You know I'm just not to sure what I am going to talk about today to even give it a title yet. I know people think she must be crazy to step away and go live in the woods. Their must be something else I could do right? No thank you I am done. Done with the been there and done that bullshit. I mean hell what else is there to see anyways? You know it is all about the timing and those doors that kept popping up in the beginning. Now I know some of you who haven't followed along probably know nothing about those doors. So let me explain when I saw outcast on the computer where my two lil sunflowers used to be. I knew those doors were gonna close.
Truth be told by I had already been shown other doors by then. I had already caught on that walking on those trails for some reason they always showed me the easier softer way. By the direction of the branches and twigs, and the direction of the branches in the trees. Even the blue berries in the shit it was a pathway to so many other doors. Everyday I walked I never fell down. I could literally hop from rock to rock along those rivers and see the huge animal faces in those rocks. Following those trails they always brought me to my destination. Something else to look at and see.
They taught me to trust. For some reason I didn't even know it but truth be told who wouldn't want to learn something new that you knew was a good thing? Who else wouldn't want to just wake up one day and see different things from a different perspective each day? Knowing all along their is a destination to end this journey to get me to the next step. The thing is that timing. It was finally going to be my time for some freedom to finding answers without having to be somewhere every minute of everyday. No where to sit and relax like you can on your couch. Nine times out of ten someone else needing something from me.
Maybe just help carry more bags today. Maybe I hurt less, maybe others I hurt more. That would be the able part. First I had to be willing. Willing to let it all go. When you are willing to let it all go, that puts the faith in me to move forward knowing no matter what I am going to live. So yes you have to be willing and able to let it all go and walk in faith. Please don't forget that other big A word. That would be acceptance. I could only take what was freely offered. (Let's just say I got a wild card in my hand) I could only go through open doors on this journey. As doors were closing I was getting stronger inside and out.
Accepting the wave of emotions. Accepting the wave of tears that wash through me no matter what. Just to feel it and see what they want me to see inside myself. What would be another part of accepting acceptance? Their is a bitter pill to this side and that would be fate. Being fated at the hands of someone else really sucks. Some days I accept it some days it pisses me off. I have learned allot by sleeping all these different churches each month. They all have something good, but each one seems to be missing a link. For example I think it is the church with the big white cross. It might of been Lutheran that follows the seasons. That isn't so bad. Right? I mean our lives are revolved around the seasons. Like how we live, and how we eat and grow food depends on the seasons. How we go on vacation and what we enjoy doing to get away and turn it all off.
Some had different kinds of crosses and one had a big purple cup on the outside. In each house I went through I learned something a lil different. If your wondering if any one of these churches saved me that would be a yes and a no. Good or bad I learned something different behind each door of each house. The only thing right now I ask is in these pretty labels and houses, don't invite someone in your home and make them feel bad about themselves. Like treating them like a criminal. If you think I am such a criminal and you want to place all these rules on my head and labels that I didn't sign up for in the first place? Then think again. If you want to do this to feel better about yourself to tell me how to live then step away. If you are ever going to tell me how to feed myself spiritually to finding the answers then don't invite me in. When the time comes you would of had made a choice.
I have had to walk through these doors each day to finding the answers for my children as well as yours. I assure you my family showed me a softer easier way and they never let me go. Oh yeah I have tried a few times. You have no idea. Truth be told I have not lied.First it got me in a mess, and now it had better get me out of this mess I see going down all around me. So I've gotten a few swats on my back end along this journey. I only fell down one time. It wasn't my words I assure you that. I got the message loud and clear.
I fell down on some branches in the woods and I got real pissed off. I stepped out of those woods with my fist out to my sides. Stomping my feet and screaming and yelling my head off. " God Dammit you named me Sassy and Sassy your gonna get. I want to go home. I want to go home right now. Now God Dammit I'm tired of this shit." I figured who hasn't yelled at their parents a time a two. I know I have said this before, but hey they put me here and asked to use my body. I gotta draw the line somewhere and let them know "I am done."
I stomped back into those woods and got lost. Walked back out and screamed " I hate you!" As I stomped back out to the main road I heard "no shortcuts." So truth be told I like my families punishment a whole hell of allot better. Better than on this planet "the punishment just doesn't fit the crime. I spoke to my lawyer from long ago about that character defect the system treats as a felony but it is a misdemeanor. I mean just my luck sitting in all these second chance programs and well I wasn't to surprised by the answer. "Pay the fine." I knew that would be the answer, I just had to hear the words myself to make sure this pathway is clear for me to be free to take the next step.
I assure you I am not paying one more fine. Lock me in jail, I just don't give a fuck anymore. 'Truly I want to know who pays when the system, the corporations break the laws? I'm not talking you smaller corporations. Trust me you pay your taxes. I'm talking about the ones who created the problem (I am making a point here. I am not side stepping the fact I got drunk and shoplifted alcohol with plenty of money in my pocket) The investors who has their hands in my Government which is truly a huge decline in our nations rights. What I realized when I decided I am not paying it, was that I have not drank that black swill in almost two years.
Spiritually I should of seen that coming. I mean when you almost drowned four times. Lets just say a heads up would of been nice. Who pays when our Governmental Corporations crosses the line by holding me back? Especially when I have been offered all these wonderful spread way to thin programs that really sound like they connect in this maze off bullshit nice titles. Not all so don't try to place blame or fix me and tell me I need to try another program. Remember the point is to follow this one and see just where it goes. To tell me to try this and that is to tell me I'm not trying hard enough or that I am lying. I assure you I am not broken and I know who my brother and father are upstairs. If you really think JC isn't ready to step into this fight think again.
We have a corporate america now that has failed. Maybe not in the public eye by what you watch on TV but proof when I tell my lawyer, this is against the law these corporations and what they are doing. The choices they are making about my life. I do not accept this. So yes it does cost to be homeless. Irony is I am sitting at a truck stop and I used my EBT card to purchase your veteran, your fellow truck driver who "wow is down on his luck." No one asked him either. I am a tobacco fairy out here it seems. Stop asking me for one. I'm about done with the tobacco bullshit. No I don't mean I'm quitting smoking. It is my drug of choice out here. It helps me to think. step away and pace. It calms me.
Nothing would make me happier if I was in the woods with my fishing pole and someone else to bait my hook. Oh yes if I'm lucky enough to catch one, actually reel it in, someone has to be willing to take that fish off the hook. Truth be told I have every day what I need either on my body or inside of me. Till I find a actual program with a roof I can live under without all the head games bullshit and rules. I am going to stay put. By the way, I spent fifteen dollars on my flag. I should of looked at the size more closely, but it is what it is. A five by three and I'm only five foot three. So if it touches the ground I apologize. I am doing the best I can. If my body is my house then I can legally carry that big flag anywhere I want to go. I can pray by my flag. I am free to pray under my flag. It pisses me off that even in some neighborhoods we can't have our nations flags out. It might hurt somebodies feelings. If you want to be in my country then you might want to remember who your gonna call when shit hits the fan. Our policemen in blue.
That is right. I see both sides. I saw seven policemen shot that night and just by chance someone sent a policeman that looked just like my brother in law to the wrong hotel that night with me. Could of been an accident, but I didn't like that timing either. I asked him to turn around and take me back to my hotel please. He did and I took a sigh of relief. I know the controversy with policeman now and trust. I have learned in every sect there are a few bad apples. Maybe they hurt more. Maybe something scared them or triggered them. Maybe they had a flash back.
If you are in my country when this goes down you better kiss that flag. You will be thankful for everything those four brothers are gonna do. You will understand they put their life on the line everyday for us. They have been lied to too. Michael the trucker stranded down on his luck feels horrible and I can tell part of him feels lied too. Every nation every country needs to stand and represent there flag. I however chose just to carry mine with me sometimes. This time however it has to be this nation that stands. I don't want anymore poison spread to any other nation. Either way. Truth be told I hate war. Hand's down I hate war.
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