You know Satan I hate you. I hate you more than ever today. No one ever thought about the other side of love have they brother? I hate you! I hate you so much today. No one ever thought about what getting all the answers to your life really is like? All those wondering questions in my mind. Something you thought that was so small turns out to be so big. Something insignificant maybe then as they have walked me through somethings these last couple of days, showing me pictures of my life and giving me the answers. Some days I think I'm going to explode getting to all these customer service counters only to find one person who doesn't even know how to do the job she was hired to do in the first place.
Trying not to explode not on the person behind the counter but the pattern of this system every time you go to get your money? Really people always mother fucking something isn't it? Fucking corporations who I really want to know where the fuck is my gold at in the first place you greedy mother fuckers? I digress, I haven't been able to get on the computer always something. Yesterday my writing could of been better but I was so tired and on another timeline. Always a timer blinking away in the corner, just doling your time in increments. Fuck you Satan and Fuck you E.T.
I have had some beautiful writing that you might think is just blasphemy but the beauty in getting the answers is a double edge sword. Sometimes when you get answers when you least expect it you truly can't help falling to your knees. Not out of gratitude but the pain soaring through my chest and body just drops me to my knees. My left hand used to go to the ground but lately it sits on my heart while my right hand is in the air bawling my eyes out. This is the part I don't want my children to see. I mean I can't help it when they show me what they show me. Truth be told this is going to be them someday. The beauty buried under all this ugly you see inside of me. As they trun my pain into love.
What can I say no one ever said love doesn't hurt. No matter what side of the fence you sit on even anger and rage hurt but its a different kind of hurt it's a release a purge of emotions you might say. Then they walk me through something, just a lil something pops behind my eyes and I always set it aside just waiting for me to feed me the answers their way in their time. I have had some beautiful writing on Gary. My "Ode to Gary" My other big G in my life, my other brother, my other Dakota in this family.
"Ode to Jimmie Jane" just who she is and who she represents in this life to me and my two daughters is breathtaking. The hits I took for this brother you have no idea, but when you get the answers to why I went through that time with that brother? Yes I will take those hits any day for that baby girl. Yes that father did too. I assure you that.
Then this one dropped me to my knees again, it was just before I walked by my X's office. I know if he sees me on my knees crying with my hand in the air he would want to put me away. I know he doesn't understand when I tell him keep my children close. Keep them safe for just a lil while longer. Please brother X for once hold out for me. Please you said to me once and many times over Greg "hold on just a lil while longer? Please love me through my children. Please don't poison my name anymore. Please don't poison them against me. Isn't it ironic the only time you never got angry at me or questioned how much I spent was always someplace I would go to find the answers?
I just want to be accepted and free to be me. No matter how I pray. No matter how I meditate or get fed my medicine spiritually and physically. I have my pride and I promise you it is that family that feeds me now. So I can feed my children not only when you look up at that milky way but in a mothers milk, no matter what race or animal. I want to be free to hold them and wipe every tear they cry. I don't want it to be that family upstairs no more. I want to be the one to catch them when they fall.
Well this next one will be called "Red Rock Lily Rose."
No comments:
Post a Comment