Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Every Rose Has It's 3,6&9's Thorns
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Four Elements
Well brother it makes me think that Mother Natures comes in more than one form. You see brother what got me to thinking about this is how Gary separates the elements, and he puts them together. Not only in colors, but in rocks and metals even. Even a round white cap to a water bottle represents out here. You know take the poison out of all these water bottles that litter my planet instead of getting water out of the faucet for free? Turning a negative into a positive, always thinking brother,that I am. I guess its just the way I process Mother Nature brother, I watch and learn from one of her son's sitting in your garbage.
Well brother when you think about water it quenches our thirst, it is where our salmon swim, ya know in the oceans and river stream's. On the other hand water cleanses. Our babies inhale it for the first nine months, yet on the other hand, water can drown. All on your perspective brother isn't that right.
Now lets take that fire? It warm's us. It heals us. It sooth's. It cooks our food. It cleanses our palettes, sinuses and well you know those bowels I hate talking about. Fire from that Sun gives our planet energy and feeds our plant and wild life all the way around this planet. That Sun gives us light by day to see better with. That Sun feeds our body and planet nutrition. It is part of this solar system. Firemen and Gardeners start a fire to cleanse our dirt and start over anew. On the other hand fire can burn. it burns our skin and scorches our food. It can burn buildings and one lil spark can cause an explosion in the air. All on your perspective brother.
Earth, well brother this planet is one big rock after all. The way I see it this rock feeds us. This rock is part of the solar system. This rock is Mother Nature. Just who in the fuck do you think owns this rock? This rock with all these volcano's that can explode with just a lil shift. You know brother if this planet is part of the solar system and well as much as you don't want others to see it, this rock gets it's energy and nutrition from that solar system. I would have to bet given what is planted on our rock that this Great Big Entity IC isn't the only energy source here? I mean like us here on this planet I have learned that every energy source has a few bad seeds. I would have to say we aren't the only ones who want to get rid of this entity. No brother we aren't the only energy source here are we brother? That would likely be why my family pulled my eye out of this solar system. To show me the big fight coming down on our heads for MY ROCK. MY LIFE. Isn't that right brother? I'd have to say Mother Nature has a set of balls wouldn't you say? No planet, no sun, no life right brother?
Wind brother? Which direction does the wind blow? Wind can warm us. Wind can cool us. Wind can spread bacteria, disease and fire. Wind can be hot and in can burn. Wind can be strong enough to pick things up and knock things over. Wind can cause a spiral, wind can shift that water. I admit a nice breeze is nice. Mix rain with wind and you got a storm. Mix snow with wind and you got a storm. Wind can change a temperature. It can take the temperature up or down even.
Earth wind fire and water, oh what a electrical storm. You know brother, I love me a good thunder and lightening show. It doesn't get any more beautiful than that. Then again when your standing out in the middle of a storm in Mother Nature with no protection, well lets just say Mother Nature can be pretty scary sometime's. Isn't that right brother? It depends on how you look at it? Mother Nature and her four elements.
I have learned brother that
Alexandra is a Capricorn, Earth in the 10th house, Her Planet is Saturn
Kiley is a Aquarius, Air in the 11th house, Her planet is Uranus
Kyle is a Pisces, Water in the 12th house His planet is Neptune
I'm a Aries, Fire in the first house. My planet is Mars
That adds up to Earth, Wind, Fire and Water in this families four square. So Satan my brother is it written in the planet or the stars already? Is it Fate of Faith? Does Fate and Faith make Destiny stronger? Who's big plan is it after all? Mother Nature's or God's? No one ever thought about who's game of life your really playing do they brother? Does this make me The God Daughter and him The God Son? I mean really Satan it never occurred to anyone that we are both their children did it brother? I have learned being Mother Natures Daughter that well their are all kinds of mothers on this planet.
I didn't don those red slippers for nothing. I don't live in the Emerald City for nothing do I brother? I don't live in King County for nothing do I brother? The way IC it there is allot of Kings in King County. I didn't just get planted in Snoqualmie Valley with the Snoqualmie Valley police officers, who happen to be backed by another tribe by the same name. A truck stop with the oldest covenant ever, A Warrior Number Two gas station owned by East Indian men. A shell Station and the way I see it shells come from my sea. A Gull station that say's Pride right under it. A hotel called Edgewick Inn, I mean how witchy is that? I have Cadman Mine with a man with a beard to the East. A old Native Man to the North of me. A pregnant bird to the South of me. Puget Sound to the West of me. A Monk Seminary to the North East of me even. Wow Satan my brother I have a pretty diversified group right around me. Let's not forget all that Native Land right around me.
Yeah I would have to say Satan our Mother Set this stage up. North, South, Eat and West, isn't that also the sign of the cross Satan?
Two Days Two Nights
"Two days, two nights, we go dark." I don't disagree, lets shut this shit down. I know I wrote that somewhere in the beginning, I wasn't sure just what that meant? I wasn't sure which direction it was coming from or why? The North, The South, The East or the West? Under ground or not I was feeling it coming from all direction after awhile. I wasn't sure if it was a political war or a spiritual war? Hell I had no idea why me of all people would even feel this way in the first place? Why here of all places? So much has happened right here on this land to me you have no idea. I really don't like these propane tanks and gas stations right here of all places? A truck stop full of more gas and more people who comes from all walks of life? A place where these men and women deliver so much to each place. In order to get it on a plane, to a grocery store or warehouse these trucks deliver it. Even your medicine well lets say that Uber trucking plan to feed us better automatically is not a good idea at all. Fucking Google! It all just happens to sit on a site of the oldest covenant ever made sitting at Heavens Gates.
It was a Uber car that a man killed his family and he said the car told him to do it. I had already clued in that these computers are controlling our lives to much and the need for them. Create the need, create the demand. It is already in debt by millions for this invention and who do you think is gonna pay for that? Then they create the fear and demand that life would be so much easier and better if we had a automatic pilot to feed us? One that thinks for itself? Already doctors go to the internet which happens to provide just the right guidelines with anything that ails you, it has just the cure to point these doctors in one direction. We are so lucky we got just the insurance and labels on the computers to pay for and guide us. One direction people. Just what is all this cost and control for all this technology gonna cost you?
I learned one thing from Mrs. Laws going to Nursing School, you take away a persons right to feed and care for themselves, you remove a part of their dignity. The basic human right and need to care for yoyself. For three weeks I took care of Mrs. Laws, I wasn't even sure why Mrs. Laws was even there in the first place? She was with it. She was intelligent. She might of spoke a lil slower but she was sharp. She could feed and dress herself, use the restroom and shower. I came into work/school one morning and she was tied to the bed screaming like a child in a crib.
How would you feel if you were put in a place that didn't fit your needs? How would you feel if you were told "no you cannot dress yourself, might be a lawsuit? No you cannot use the restroom by yourself, you might slip and fall, so you have to wait until we are ready? Heres a comode shit in this pot in front of everyone. You can only eat at this time and only this food? I realized then that when you take away a persons ability to even do the basic necessities for themselves when that is truly all they have left, yes your gonna lose it. You will take the blame and fall for getting fed up and not following the rules, all because someone else didn't want to deal with you. Sorry someone else put you here, you gotta follow the rules in our parameters and guidelines or you will be causing a scene when you try to fight back for your own basic rights to live." Create the rules and guidelines, jail time and fee's pretty much any where no matter what age you are. No matter where you are this is another version of purgatory on earth.
About a week ago I was trying to figure out a way to kill this greedy ant out of my planet and off man kinds back without killing off my rock? Then it dawned on me disconnect the battery. Mankind will not ever be able to turn off this planet for two days and two nights. To much fear and to many trigger happy people out there, not a good idea when you look at it from the conductor of the shows perspective. It never occurred to any one just who JC's mother really is did it? Where my brother got his essence that we are all so grateful to pay a high cost for a bottle that has a hint of essence in it instead of the actual fruit. Being mother natures daughter, I'm tired just because something has a good name and label it doesn't make it a good product. I want the whole fruit for my children.
If you think your nails are to pretty to get down and dirty for your mother? Then get the fuck off my rock. You don't deserve her essence. If you think you are to entitled, pious, rich, high and mighty to get down and dirty and roll in the mud for your planet that feeds you? Then get the fuck off my rock. I have figured out I'm the sister and mother standing at heavens gates with my brother. Okay I might have a couple doors to close once and for all, truth be told I don't mind this fight. I mean to figure out I'm mother natures daughter and she has my back and my families back, well lets just bring this house down. So I had to take a lil rape at these doorways so my children wouldn't have too. It finally dawned on me that I didn't just take that rape for that brother and his children, Try to take out the mother at these three doors for my children, yes I would, and I did. I didn't know why then completely but I do now. These three brothers are real assholes. Getting tested about what is truly in your heart sucks sometimes. I never even knew I was being tested.
Yeah, lets shut this shit down. I agree with my family upstairs. I have no issue doing this. "Two days and two nights, we go dark."
Monday, August 29, 2016
Trojan Horse Standing at Heavens Gates
While you all process paperwork rules, make up rules to protect me from myself, it never accored to anyone to ask "Colleen just why are you back in town?" How should I answer that one anyway's not knowing just what it is I know now? I mean here we go again lets put mother nature in a box to protect her from herself. To protect her from herself sitting out here sleeping in the woods living off my ebt card? No has ever asked me anything at all in my life anything. Know one has ever asked me why without fear. I have no idea why people fear me because truth be told I have never done anything to anyone. It takes me allot to to even speak either way I look bad when you got amother like mine. Truth be told, you can say I had a emotional release about my ex and just what my children went through having him as a father? Fine line between love and hate.
Truth be told don't bother trying to protect me I don't want your protection. I don't want any more strings attached to me. I just don't want some peoples life line and feedings anymore. I don't want your bullshit of telling me something I already know. Its not arrogance I promise you that. I mean really how would you feel knowing just what these three doors are all about?
Three of the biggest A's of this planet standing on my mother. So when you think about just how we all chose to carry our burdens in our lives and all you can think about is yourself then really I'm not here to feed the shallow howls in this life. Talk about a feeding frenzy, a paradigm that I stand in right now. Three doorways three pathways of the three biggest ASSHOLE BROTHERS YOU EVER MET! I mean I hope you understand if I just don't want to go through all those big books verse for verse and have a debate over who is wrong and who is right now. I don't care to have a meeting or process anymore paperwork and how I'm going to pay for this right now. All to save your hurt scared feelings because you can't handle the truth that it's this mother standing alone at Heavens Gates taking the hits while you all fight and squabble about who's land I stuck that staff in and who's gonna pay for it, take the hits and pay the liability for my prayers then you'll have to excuse me but I'm a lil busy processing how I'm even gonna feed myself, pay for this, keep warm following one of these God Damned programs which would just assume stick me in a institution than admit the truth how these mental institution labels insurance health plans are really covered. What this really cost society all for me to tell you it's a spiritual effect and a entity effect that really no one is to blame. I'm the evil sister, the evil daughter, they all just hope I'm a lil mental.
Brother number One Everybody, let me introduce him. Even if we don't talk about him we all wonder about that monster in the closet, well let me introduce my brother the one who turned my mothers love Evol. He planted a bad bad seed in all your lil hearts long ago, when he pitted man against woman and he left eve to take the blame. You poisoned my mothers apples a long time ago didn't you brother?
Brother Number two well he's been here a long long time now haven't you? You great big anthropoid if that even is a ant. Clogging up my sewer lines, poisoning my water, my dirt and mother natures resources all the way back to that Gold. Yes people we have brother Number Two the biggest God Damned Entity you ever did see. Mother Natures resources you suck up charging for all these air loans and compounded interest. Wow you've been sucking my mother dry a long long time now. Still you can't touch my mothers essence.
Well Last but NOT BY ANY MEANS LEAST WE GOT MY BIG BROTHER TODD. YEAH I CAN HONESTLY SAY THIS ONE CAN BE A GREAT BIG A HOLE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. GO AHEAD CALL HIM WHAT YOU LIKE JC OR BROTHER TODD. ALL I CAN SAY THIS BROTHER WANTS SOME JUSTICE FOR HIS FAMILY. Yeah what can I say it's finally dawned on me just who my big brother really is and well you'll forgive me but I've got a one path to take and it takes me to heavens gates.
I've got three of the biggest Trojan Horses you ever did see coming down the path and well let's just say a girls gotta eat. My family rocks and don't you ever forget it.
Ignorance
I mean really people, what do you think dogs ate before we went commercial? They ate meat and we are so arrogant to make our animals like my dogs vegetarians all so you feel better about yourself, like it or not we are the same species but not exactly the same, mankind has choices to get our protein from nut's, eggs, chicken, fish and vegetables, but we are so arrogant that we want to turn our dogs into vegetarians. We wonder why they are so sick and itchy all the time. I mean their is a place for vet's and pet care, in every society is a matter of fact their is room for it all, we have gottten so commercialized, dependent, lazy that with all this technology and all these cars and towns there is no excuse for ignorance.
Ignorance is just another form of denial. Not all I see that but really for those of you who abuse this word, have no excuse to refuse to look outside your box. Excuse me while I walk by and knock your ass right off that soap box you stand on. The way I see it to stay ignorant this way is just another excuse for you to say you have no responsibility in the not knowing or not wanting to know, is no God DAmn good excuse, not the way I see it. You'd just be dead weight.
By doing this you just passed the responsibility onto someone else to carry your load to eat off this planet to feed your family. Your a part of this society, you want to eat here, sleep here, shit in mothers house, then get your lazy, self righteeous ass off my rock. I don't care about your personal fear anymore. You stand around, you chitter you chatter you make allot of noise about your God, well the way I see it, you are just getting in the way of me feeding my children while others are living a indignant life all so you can be diginified, all pious high and mighty. No way, not the way I feel today that just isn't going to be a good excuse anymore, weather you walk out your door or turn on your appliance it's sitting right there. Let me see this one just might be a hard one for you to process for me, because truth be told we all process and learn and think a lil differently along the way.
Which way do you think I would choose to feed my children? HHMMMM!!!!!Let me proccess, let me think........HHHHMMMMMM!!!!!Technology, taxes, fee's a great big ant sitting and feeding all you greedy lil pigs.......HHHHHHHHMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!If I'm mother natures daughter......Wait a minute still proccessing........I', sorry I'm kinda slow........downloading......proccessinngggg......thinking what way would feed my children???????Just how far would mother nature be willing to feed all you ignorant unjustified indignant lil people....which way would my pendulum swing if I had to drop a lil weight weight to make you all happy and pleasing to your lil eye?
People who nit and pick each other talk about shallow howl.....Yeah you might think gluttony and sloth in those bears, but truth be told we all feed ourselves something to help cary the weight and burdens for our mother. We all chose different ways to take on the poison so mother nature nature wouldn't have to. Some up there chose to do this no matter what to protect this planet that up there they chose to sacrifice their bones and flesh for her. We all chose as her children not just his to take the hits in all different sorts of ways not just for him but for her. Whether you walk in fate or faith we all chose a path for this time today, and when you really think about who else would no better than your mother just where your gonna go when you leave this earth? I mean we all carry the essence of mother natures seed. None of you thought about that did you? Oh No You Did Not Did you?
You thought he was the only who gets to decide who gets through heavens gates. So when I listen to all of you whistle and whine and point the finger at each other and down your pious lil nose at your lil mother that I got bigger fish to fry. Don't coming to me looking for validation and approval when all you gotta do is follow your heart. Just who the fucks rock do you stand on?
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
You know what I have just had enough. Mother fucking enough of this system bullshit. Had enough of the disrespect. The disrespect all the way around in society and mankind. I am fucking fed up. You know there is something to be said about my generation. I mean my parents with their children. Truth be told you learned respect from those mothers. You have no idea how effective this parenting style was. What happened when you disrespected your mother? So many of my guy friends to this day and even the girls will say if you even got the wrong tone when speaking to my mother you never knew what was gonna come flying at you from what direction. Now I must say I don't agree with that method but there are days I'm ready to back hand some son of bitch who thinks they are entitled to even speak to me with disrespect, especially at my age.
I do not understand and I will never understand aside from being abused and fear of speaking your mind. Why our women and young women today put up with the mouths on these guys? Are you fucking kidding me, no respect on those potty mouths. You got a good mother when she taught you respect. Your kids disrespect you, sometimes you gotta up the ante, because that disrespect carries through to the next girl the next mother, the next generation. Even in the animal kingdom we all know you don't disrespect the mother. Even those kids in that pride know my mom bites if you step out of line, Even those pups know better, my mom don't take no shit. She will fight for her children's right to live in this animal kingdom.
Here I am sitting in the woods during what I call rutting season and I always wondered why I didn't see any animals last year except the bear? This year you have no idea what its like walking by a lone wolf sitting by a gold mound one morning. Are we fucking kidding me? This is not the way I wanted to learn about mother nature but truth be told I came home for answers and well I'm getting them always after the fact. OMG! That big lizard head sticking out of the dirt right by where I peed, yes it seems they are watching and I don't like it not One God Damn bit. It didn't help me any when Gary said you got lucky, only one wolf Colleen? Where there is one wolf there's always another. I just looked the wolf in the eye acknowledged ICU and walked on by. I mean yes I know I'm mother natures daughter but even I know you don't disrespect mother nature.
Gary said you know Colleen when you walk through these woods you might want to make some noise, like a jingle, a jangle maybe.Well it seems I got lucky yet again because I always had my rainbow storage key set hooked on my belt loop, Thank God! Truth be told even I know I don't want to surprise mother nature in the night. I know I don't want to wake her. Just the re-action of the surprise in me and her may get out of control. I might scare her and well she might scare me. I mean no one likes to be surprised anyways. I know out here I'm in mother natures territory, I know inside who my animals are, but let's face it come on everyone knows you don't get between a mother nature and her babies.
This morning I was watching a mother elk or deer cross the road first, her two babies came trotting after. Then he steps out of the woods. You know? The big daddy, the big buck, bringing up the rear. Wow! He sure had a big rack, he blended so well. I watched this big daddy, wait for cars to pass then I saw the mother step up to the other side of the street and wait for her man, her babies safe behind her. The way I see it today these animals represent. They represent family. A pride or a pack it's all the same mannerisms, the same behavior in mother nature. Society can really learn watching mother nature.
Let's not forget about the other side of mother nature? You know that food chain? Out here in this animal kingdom they all gotta eat. I hated those animal kingdom shows My X always watched. The truth behind mother nature. Everybody in this animal kingdom is fair game, the only weapon you have is yourself. It's either eat or be eaten, talk about always having to be on guard. Not a paranoia just on alert and as a mother with cubs if its just you alone with your two babies, you are fair game. Take out the mother to get the cubs. Hell no as a mother, I don't think so. As a mother no matter what kingdom I stand in I have the right to defend myself and feed my children. I can't protect my children if I'm dead. I can't feed my babies if I'm dead. Truth be told a mother can't protect, defend or feed her babies if she's dead. No generations to carry on.
I always wondered just how far mother nature will go to protect her children? Even I don't want to see my mothers storm. Even I don't want to see the beast inside my mother. Truth be told I have figured out in the bible when it said honor thy mother and father, when you really think about it who came first, Virgin Mary or Mother Nature? That is your answer right there. Mother Nature this planet go hand in hand with God. These two are the original parents. This I have figured out when they pointed me in the direction of the Lakota and the Dakota. They respected mother nature, they honored her and they thanked her right along with her husband God. They are the two energy sources you need together to feed your children. We have mother natures essence that gives birth to this life and well God didn't ever want to be alone. Remember he took himself and he made the male and the female, not just in man but in essence of the two to reproduce and evolve together not apart. Mother Nature does not serve God, they serve each other.
This baseball I wear on my wrist with a male on one side and female on the other is a representation of family. This planet, evolution, and mankind. It simply means when one parent drops the ball, the other parent picks up. It simply means, you don't just have one father, you have one mother and one father forever and always with that family upstairs. If that doesn't represent Love then I don't know what does. Love for their children together. Not just his children or her children. It's about the whole family unit. Faith, Destiny, and that ring of fire that my brother thinks he's getting. These are my twelve. My twelve fruits of the tree. With two more father for back up. Two more mothers for backup. Upstairs and downstairs. Fate, Faith, Karma, Destiny, Poison Ivy. In this family we all carry those mothers and sisters inside us. A mothers Love or a mothers hate. Hard to say someday's when your sitting at heavens gates.
It never occurred to anyone just who JC really is upstairs. The BIGGEST BADDEST ANGEL OF THEM ALL. HE IS THE BROTHER, THE KEY KEEPER TO HEAVENS GATES AND HE DIDN'T TAKE ALL THOSE BEATINGS, JAILS AND INJUSTICE FOR NOTHING. ESPECIALLY NOT TO WATCH HIS BABY SISTER SITTING DOWN HERE HUNGRY. YES PEOPLE MY FOOD IS FUEL AND ENERGY. TRUTH BE TOLD, I'M HUNGRY. MOTHER NATURE IS READY TO EAT.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Jacked Up
Yeah I'm jacked up. I have one cord and one adapter. I try to have battery back up at all times. Hard to do out here. I go to my storage to recharge. A couple days ago I actually rode that God Damned bike to storage in the evening under that hot Sun. My shoes are melting away on this hot pavement everyday.
Got the cord forgot the adapter. If I'm not hooked up I'm trying to hook up out here. Truth be told who isn't today? What a perfect set up make us dependent on technology the cords electricity airwaves and batteries to make it work charge a fortune for it. All the upgrades we just gotta have.
My favorite drink was Yukon Jack and Bailey's. Sweet with a bite. So yeah I'm pretty jacked up about all this. Jack Mehoff pissed off is more like it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Society has gone to pot
They seem to take offense every time I tell them you are out of toilet paper, hand soap or some lazy bitch hovered over the toilet and felt someone else who comes in behind her need to clean up after you finish. Who cleans that shit up the person who comes in after you who needs to use it that's who. WTF! You are women with children and it is a disgrace to me even when you leave your kid all alone to pee and you don't come in to clean up his her dribble marks. The man at the cash register told me women are pigs.
He needs to remember where he came from. A mother who used to wipe his ass too. I have even had to tell them don't get offended you have a bathroom that serves people who have a right to use it. Closing anymore bathrooms is going to piss me off, I promise you that.
You men who blame the women and quite frankly the shit you men do in the bathroom is even more atrocious. Now you were not raised in the jungle clean your shit up. Stop leaving it for the next person. Your mother or your father work here anymore. Do your part, look what you are teaching your children. Just that behavior alone is a sense of entitlement and I don't like it.
Have compassion for a homeless person it takes awhile to get all those layers off and back on, but they still have that right too that restroom as much as you.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
The Black Crow Falls
When I said something about a policeman who turned out not only looked like my brother in law, but I think someone in his family on the other side is a fireman. Plus I forgot I went to school with that guy. I had just had a dream of a policeman being shot seven times in a hotel room over love. We were sent by King County to the wrong Motel. I felt a uncle on uncle fight around him.
When I said to V "I feel a brother on brother fight between Michael and his brother Mark." I felt a brother on brother fight. I didn't discover Cane and Abel until much later or whoever the third guy is? Samuel something like that another great big S in this family line is coming back.
I know I was raped on Country Pride land and a label was placed on my head. I didn't want the blood money from that man who raped me. Truly give it to his children, they are gonna need it, education or counseling I do not care, what they choose. Let that blood money be a asset to those children not a burden. Truth is when I looked up country pride Vice President, it was Lermond. It was the name of the restaurant I used to eat in with my parents and after I moved out. Name or not a reminder of family a good luck charm. A talisman you might say. A reminder of family. There is a L in that name and it represents Love.
When I here the name John, Michael or Paul, It started to dawn on me that not only are these old fashioned names they are biblical names as well. Just listening to these people when they speak or carry themselves in some way I see the honor in their colors, their badge, their names, honor or pain in the eyes. Truth is in the eyes they are kaleidoscopes to the heart. The ones that drive me bats are a fallen angel in some way or another. I just really get tired of some of these mentally ill or honorable bouncing on my head. I don't mean honor behind the name down here, I'm talking about up there. It's like I see honor but fear blocks them down here.
I didn't even know what a lot lizard was until some trucker interesting enough gave me quite the visual education. I laughed because all I could think was "right out my door." I didn't see that, I always just saw the people who walked through the doors. Truth be told we are all bleeding hearts in one way or another.
When I saw my friend's son fighting with my daughters boyfriend. Gingerbread Jake, I saw a brother on brother fight between two animals. Might have something to do with the depression that keeps popping up in the boys around Alex too.
I saw a Eagle in the lamp light the night I ran out of the hotel to tell Greg "something really big and dark is coming for my children. To hold them tight don't let any uncle cross your door." I had no idea it was Satan, my children's uncle. When I went to a Native themed re-hab it was called the red book. I hated the metaphors. The one I hated the most was "why do you see the shadow of a eagle flying in the mountain top? What in the hell did I care why there was a shadow of a eagle? Enough of the metaphors get me out of this program and into the steps. It finally dawned on me about that eagle in so many ways. Kind of like when you come from a family of Hawks and Eagles you just have so many Eagle metaphors, you choose. One is the big Eagle that represents our nation and our planet. One thing that keeps coming to my mind is when the black crow falls. Even in the dark those black birds are mother natures children and as long as they have life, their will always be light in the dark just like that moon. We are the light in the dark and she always has her children's heart.
After I stuck that staff in the ground I gathered all the garbage and I piled it around it. I picked up the bloody carcass of a black bird and I stuck it on top. So Satan my brother it seems the lines and the doors are finally going to cross paths. I mean even Moses had a staff with a snake. I'm liking my families snake allot better.
Products of our society
Take those big burly over weight guys you see? I know some are way over the top. Products of society, our diets, our bears. I mean just because it looks like a great big scary grizzly bear that doesn't mean he's not a teddy bear inside. So stop looking and judging because truth be told its those markings today that are the key. I can decide when I look at a persons tattoo's now who they are.
It can take me ten minutes to read one lighter so bare with me. A skull, we all have them. Our minds go to the "The Little Tiki Man, Voo Doo." It can be something dark or light. A passing maybe, but I know one thing, our skulls weren't always shaped this way. People from different nationalities have different skulls. Take the giant people who used to walk the earth they had giant babies, it's a given, but we shrunk in size over time. Our skulls protect our minds and bodies before that great big crack. Our bones protect our organ's. Different cultures different shaped skulls.
I had a skull rock I used to lay on. It sat over my head on a stump. Truth be told it kinds freaked me out. You know that exceptance and let it go thing. One day I had a rib out and I guess I started clueing in about this energy thing. By day the skull looked white by night black. I didn't have my tennis balls. When my back hurts I can get a lil pissy. I picked up that skull rock and told myself I'm going to only feed it my rage, my day my pain, my rage. The pictures of all the injustice or whatever pissed me off that day started flowing through my mind and I just let the projector play, after a little while I realized I was no longer hurting in that spot that hurt. I realized my happy mad thoughts are happier now. I was actually moving into loving thoughts. Then I got all mad again, because "God Dammit I wasn't going to feed this weird skull rock my happy thoughts. I wasn't going to feed it love. I realized I just did. Well that skull rock didn't creep me out so much anymore.
It became my talisman kind of. I realized yesterday walking through that monk place off the truck stop that it doesn't matter what religion or nationality you are we all seem to have things in common, like the beads around the children's statues. Rosary bead's in a way? Prosperity beads perhaps? A woman was praying at a statue of a woman I believe with some kind of flower in her hand, the emotions and the tears flowed with this one right here. I admit I had no clue what her prayers were. I had a pretty good idea however. Love and light, prosperity and light, family.
I noticed in every church or religion that I have ever been around we all have our own talisman. Even that starfish I wear around my neck. Took me forever to figure out why a starfish? That five prong star in a different way. Turn it around people. We are all to busy seeing differences and pointing our finger than to see we are all the same. We are in a way looking for our own truth. We are looking for something good in this life, life doesn't cost people and neither do prayers.
Truly all these years I never knew I was praying and if you think I'm a heathen because I don't bow my head every time I eat go ahead. I don't have rituals. I have emotions. We all have emotions and if I want to yell fuck you asshole to my big brother upstairs I will. If I have to poke that bear every once in awhile that is my job. If I want to point my finger in air and yell at him or cry I do. One thing you truly do not understand is that when you are homeless you are never alone. You never have peace, you don't have your own space that is safe to put your stuff. Every time I use the bathroom at the library I have to pack everything up and it pisses me off. That lack of freedom everyday takes time. u So no people I don't go to any church. I don't have any expectations quite frankly. No one will ever tell me I am wrong for who I am again.
A product of my society, that is who I am. The only reason I even smoked Sativa and Indica was because I hurt. I had to step out of A.A.'s society and medical society to get this way. I tried it both those ways and quite frankly I got some medicine and food that way, but oh hell, lot of judgement and poison behind each door. So yeah I've been fated for this you might say. I was shut down, put to sleep only to be woke up to who I really am inside. Who my brother really is inside me. Who my brothers are outside me. Who my mother is and look right where I'm sitting today? Cleansed, Healed, pissed off and stronger.
When you look at Gary I want you to remember that OCD he has. That collecting Rock OCD life he carries with him each day, I want you to look around you at all those dimensions those drugs send him in. Legal or illegal. Not him you. I want you to look at that man who looks like a grizzly sometimes and at others a orangutan a product of his society he sits in every day. I have discovered that even when you run a high fever, drugs or not and you start freaking out and you don't remember that is a different dimension. I want you when you look at Gary's house just who's garbage he built it with. I know you see trails of his stuff to feed mother nature along the way, but all the other stuff lying around is your stuff. Including all those batteries that die off and he has to keep replacing for light or music. His mother comes here once a week to carry out his garbage and do his laundry, which from what I can see is more than allot of others do.
I want you to look at Gary's markings on his body and tell me that isn't prophetic brother, that is truly a off kilter genius who has so many fucking labels on his head it's not funny. He has a FBI number for nothing. The number is the biggest irony. He's only been busted for weed. He carries his meds on him to protect someone else from getting them. He gets frisked harassed and questioned with each new cop. They come in and tear down his home and he has to start over. He has never had a fire and he has no heat and all you care about is appearances and what you see in front of you. I want you all to remember this is Mother Natures son carrying a huge burden for you. I want you to think about that story when JC was standing on a corner dressed as a bum?
So no I will not take lightly to anyone stepping in his house uninvited. I walked out of there one day after coming back to visit him and a cop starts talking to me about clean up and rules. I got hot. He say's well I saw you walk out of there. I mean what a dumb shit, where do you go to visit a homeless man in the woods? He's not allowed to have company? Pretty suspicious huh? OMG there is garbage out here? What you don't have bad days? You don't leave your dishes out? Try not having any? Try cleaning house according to the weather? Try having someone else from many different walks of life decide for you how your day is going to go? How your going to eat? Where you can go to the bathroom? If you can go to the bathroom without a solicitation or sexual offense charge getting dropped on your head. Be looked at and judged.
These people you think have a lower IQ or deserve less because you think they are uneducated. In walks Keith my friends. Wow! What a shame? This man has gone to school the hard knox kind of life you have no idea. He has more morals and principals in how he conducts himself everyday. Talk about getting educated in society and never earning a degree or a dollar. The most hilarious thin about Gary and Keith both are they'd rather take a beating than give a beating to hurt someone else. These two men have taken quite the beating in this life.
When I listen to people complain about all the injustice because of race or skin or color it makes me laugh at the irony some day's. Other's I'm so pissed off I want to hit something. I got it I always got this race thing believe it or not I have seen and experienced both sides, actually three my mother is racist, my grandfather was racist and I never understood it. I mean in little innocent ways so you think. They were more at a adjustment stage coming out of the racist way of thinking to an acceptance place. The awareness of their wording dawning on them and how to apply it kind of thing. What my point is that injustice has nothing to do with race. Stop making it about race.
Stop letting the system make it about race. All these down trodden and poor people. The injustice is pointing out the indifferences in the first place and marketing it and making it about race and segregation. Even trying to stop the segregation you are segregating. Like when Russia took down the wall no more threat right? When I look around me we truly are holding on by a thread not as a society separated by race, but as nation by nation as one whole.
Adapting to the outsourcing
Politics is a gamble and it's gonna cost you the candidate and the sheeple out the bottom being bought and paid for. I know you think its a triangle but its a square. It doesn't matter how much you pay into something their is always someone out there who is really pulling the strings. I mean hell I do and I don't have all the bullshit. Well I do just the other way around. I'm literally the one hooked up to all these wires trying to listen to music, facebook, email, IM and all the while it is auto correcting my words into numbers. If I type in word at the end of sentence and its misspelled if I place a period it saves it that way and I have to keep going back to change it like three or four times before it will except.
Now I know what its like to pass a law or try to get through to congress. Sorry we're closed. All these glitches in technology everyday that is mass produced, re-made over and over, reinventing the wheel a hundred ways over, all this garbage and all these glitches are driving me nuts. When we opened up our post office, phone lines, water companies, all this food outsourcing it opened us up to all get a piece of that pie. I don't blame you the cost and control of that one monopoly was getting out of line, costly and outrageous and well we had no choices. Now we have so many choices and all the garbage to go along with it. On our planet, in our hearts and our wallet. Even though all these investors are controlling everything behind the lines we are all suffocating mother nature, pollution, garbage and technology.
I remember when I could dial a phone and make a call. Now I have to turn on my phone and hit the dial button three times to make a call. All these pop ups driving me nuts all these downloads and applications. I have to go to this location and shut it down and over hear to shut it down from another place. Can't step away for a moment without someone or something dinging you. I didn't like the cost of our phones back then but they worked. Now look at all these family plans with all these great family plans names and all these cell phones to upgrade and buy. All these different cords and attachments. To pay for and it keeps down loading and dinging me to turn down my music of all things. Its not loud in the first place. For once in my life I have music and I'll be God Dammed at my age if I need a mother fucking mother board tell me or remind me to turn it down.
These cameras every where do not protect you. They can only tell you who committed the crime after the fact. Are you going to tell someone who is getting ready to attack you, in my case animal or man, "hold on let me make a call and give them my location?" No really hold on, I got this. Just give me a minute let me make a connection here. I got call on my pauses, I need me some back up out here. Two cat's against one just ain't fair." I mean really who ya gonna call when shit hits the dust? There has not been one time out here in the minute of a emergency did I rely on that technology to get me out of a mess or bind. Every time I tried they were to scared for themselves to come back and get me. I might hurt them.
Even when I did say look at the camera or they did, no crime on my part but I got fined. This system helped me out only to see the poison and lies in it. We are outsourcing, our food, our hearts, our minds and our bodies to a system that is broken. Not you.
I went into a restaurant the other night. Well a few. It was getting later, my energy lets just say less than and my choices and cost were narrowing. One place literally added every ingredient by dollar. By the time I paid for that taco it cost seventeen dollars. To order a pizza you get the cost of the dough right up front. Option of gluten free now. How much did that printing cost? Then you get a choice of three sauces, like about twelve ninety nine at this point and I haven't even gotten to the cheese yet and additional cost for cheese on a pizza? Seriously. Then each topping a dollar for vegetables. On a pizza vegetable spread thin, here and there do not add up a dollar each topping. Then the meat choice something like two ninety nine. I get it. I get it from a business owner point of view but in the end when I see things from the bigger picture like this, I walked out. I actually had the cash this time and I had the choice but no fucking way. Everyone pretty much is on a budget nowadays and that is not okay with me.
I know the business owners of the next restaurant over. OMG! Are you kidding me. I was hungry, tired, and nauseaus (sorry computer went off in nether nether land again. I don't know why it just starts underlining. Fucking thing has a mind of its own sometimes.) The guy at the front counter, filthy, unshaven, no teeth, touching his nostrils, handling money, answering the phones. Notice one man at the counter, again. Yeah I'll look at this guy at the auto shop but not from the person I order my food from.
I look in the back and the ingredients aren't covered. Kids in the kitchen, I asked about one he was the owners son making his own pizza, no gloves. The other kid waving his hands around over the food and sticking his hands in his mouth. You order pasta now and garlic bread is extra, but your paying for a dish of pasta. I had to pee so bad but I refused to see anymore. Especially the bathroom. I was more afraid to wash my hands then not wash my hands. I chose to use the porta potty outside from the fair that day. I got lucky, wet but lucky, they just got sanitized. Still I thought to myself, I should of just pee'd in the woods.
I know the family who runs this and the people behind the counters so its not the people, its the service. From this it made me think that other place was prettier and cleaner but on my budget I guess I don't get a choice of quality and how I choose to eat after all. I come here still unhappy but I was done with pizza and red sauce for awhile. What do you really know what is happening on our front lines with the food before we get it? Not just the in-humane points I get it. I mean not just the poisons and mass production on our fruits, vegatables, fish and meat? Our nuts our tree's? I mean the whole picture. Truth is its pretty ugly. God dammit, I'm not letting some Government who puts on a suit tell me how to live my life. Just because you stand in front of society to serve society and you say your this doesn't make you this. Show your God Damn hand you mother fucker.
You know they keep taking me around to that ace of spades card for the last couple of days. To tell you the truth I don't gamble but I'm pretty certain that Jim and Haley can tell you the one and only time I played, I may not of had a clue what I held in the palm of my hand but every time I dropped my cards I kept winning. Oh Haley darling I Love You Sunshine. You are the reason I'm out here. My poisonous lil seed that I so wanted to help out because truth be told I get it. I got it and I heard you loud and clear. You and your sister and all that laundry. No matter carrying the burden of someone else's dirty laundry darling. For now on you don't except but good behavior from these young men. No more selling yourself short. I don't care how tiny and beautiful you are, I don't care who put you here or how you got here, you will never have to prove or work for your love through your body. No people she's not a prostitute. More of a prostitute of the heart you might say.
This is just my point we are all a product of our society and none of these last couple generations that we look down on for learning differently and processing differently should be told they are less than because of societies numbers and standards. These people out her or down her are truly the geniuses who have been beaten down for going off kilter. These mentally ill are like the Good Will Hunting Guy. The old souls that learn and process differently and there is no reason not to pull them in and let them and use their talents and gifts in society. They will get unstuck.
Monday, August 22, 2016
The Conductor
That was the picture I got in forth grade hanging above my bedroom door. The same year my brother died. I think I was about nine years old and that black things started crawling around in my room. Sue Sommers told me if you think a demon is there it is there. I didn't ask for them to be there. I mean they woke me up. I didn't wake them up. Oh hell yeah I was glad my mother made my sister move back home. I could finally get some sleep again. That was when those black things that woke me in the night. It finally dawned on me somewhere along that sequence of events that keeps coming back around in my life time, that all they do is shake my bed and wake me up.
They haven't hurt me yet. It was in Fall City and they woke me up twice and both times I didn't even have to turn around or even open my eyes to see them. I was still drinking and withdrawing off Paxil that was when it dawned on me on this journey that they woke me up two times right before my grandmother showed up. All I said to them when I opened my third eye in my mind was ICU and I rebuked them and they disappeared. That is when on this journey somewhere I started to clue in that these demons can't touch me and I never understood why?
Plus I clued in yesterday I think it was when I looked back at the Heavens Gates in Seattle. He let me know there is a backdoor to heaven. Two doors not just one, (you know the conductor theme) but this land with a entity and the fallen angel sit here and that is why my brother is on a white horse in a white robe holding my teddy bear with a staff in his right hand my brother is the keeper to heavens gates. That is why so much darkness and greed going down these highways, Sitting right at the gates of hell is heavens gates. That line is that close and well that is why the face of JC has changed in the face of this time.
This is why they eased me into the whole brother thing slowly at first. You know brothers and doors and somehow a brother close by just when I need him. Then he shows up in the park standing next to my brother jack with my brother Todd in a loin cloth and a rock on a rope. Then the whole sleeping with brother conversation. If you think I didn't heave when it finally sunk in that I slept with my brother Greg think again. To discover who really watches me and controls me this whole time, especially then is creepy right? I am so thankful I am not having to sleep with stranger's to feed myself or my children.
A battery is a conductor right? I had to purchase four C size batteries one day. The other day is a matter of fact. They were like $11.99 to $12.99. Didn't matter if I purchased in two's or fours pretty much the same price. I spy with my lil eye four Duracell for six ninety nine. Sweet! I get up to the check stand and he says something like twelve dollars or twelve ninety nine. Who the fuck cares anymore, just the irony in the answers alone is enough to kill me. Here we go another club another deal to hand over all of my information to save six bucks on four batteries. Why can't they just all be the smaller price and quality? Dollar store batteries are pretty much the same.
Truth be told nothing works without some kind of battery out here. These flashlights and vibrators that take three smaller batteries are any better think again. Smaller batteries and smaller parts. More things with all these lil components to make it work. I find the one double A works better than these three triple AAA's. Or in a flashlight two big double D's are allot stronger than two lil A's together or those two Big C's alone. Where is the quality when everything shakes lose or falls apart faster? How much are we paying for these batteries anyways? In our landfills and all these homeless people who use this stuff more?
A can Deet cost me ten dollars to poison me and my planet. Fuck I don't care if I am Mother Natures daughter or if my moods are causing the storms. All last summer I didn't get bit. These ants are rampant this summer. Not biting me, just everywhere. Yes it is nice to be in my smoking igloo in the forest. It's grey like my house was in North Bend. The one I painted with earth tone purple to brighten it up. I painted my bathrooms sea foam green with ivy on the edges and I hung my jewelry on a ivy shelf. I try to remember these flashbacks as I sit and watch the bugs crawl around me and not on me this time. MOFF YOU! Yeah that is when I get the mildew and off smell together.
The injustice and irony in the poison and the cost of the poison kills me today. We can put corn in everything except its to expensive for gasoline. Michael's cousin ordered sun panels to heat his house and it got stuck because of the Tariff charge. Is anyone else getting my drift? The irony in our own complacency in the dependency on this system, our technology, healthcare, food, medicine, and insurance. Know why my phone is rarely charged because when you are out here their is nowhere to plug it in even. You can pay for internet and it not work but you are still expected to pay for it.
Hell it cost more to eat and recycle those water bottles. We are paying a fortune to recycle water today. You aren't allowed to gather water in buckets even when it rains? What next people? When are you going to let the money go and lift the dollar off of people and weather they are worthy to eat and have a roof over there head? I'm telling you right now, get on board or jump overboard I don't give a fuck anymore. It doesn't mean your gonna lose your wallet or shirt. Find your rock inside you. Find that rock for this planet. Find your rock for mankind. Hell I don't give a fuck what God you pray to. I don't give a fuck if you are a scientist or a energy person, its all the same to me anyways.
This planet feeds our children and it will forevermore. If you think I'm putting up with your whining blaming me anymore think again. Blocking me and my word with all these lil technicalities going off in your head because you are so stuck on one thing and you can't let it go to open your heart for your children or family the get the fuck off my rock. I'm not here to fight for the ones who don't want to be here, disappear, go home. I hate it when people grovel. I get it but don't come to me for answers when I have freely given them.
My Brothers Justice
Its planted right there that it is evil to do these things because it poisons us and makes us sick. No that is not true. When you really look at it many nations amongst many lands had pipe tobacco and well given the amount of people who passed that pipe they didn't die of lung cancer. Weather a hookah or a pipe, a rollie around the campfire with the cowboys it wasn't the tobacco that killed them. It used to bring people together until the poison came into play. This is one of the reasons I was always sick as a child. That thick cloud of smoke in the air everywhere sinus and throat problems and many ear infections and antibiotics. I am a child of circumstance you can say. A product of my society and you made me this way.
I screamed out loud and in my head. I was so angry and hurt. I was with Kevin three to five years and it was then that I said in my head "you just poisoned my first love." I even asked Steve what if you had a daughter and you are the father and this happened? I even asked Steve this question after he had a daughter? He questioned my reaction. He took something good and turned it bad. Two brothers from another place and time pull this shit? A twin at that? So no I don't feel good about her lil hand. Not for one minute of any day.
It was her lil paw that showed me these lil birds out here with missing toes and feet. The spiritual effect of mother nature and the choices we make. Those nails above where a drinking fountain used to be. Over picnic tables in parks where the families have been re-shapen by society and the homeless. We have slow moving fans that could go over these drinking fountains without hurting them. These birds have every right to be here too, without getting hurt. They are hungry too.
So yeah their are a lot of different faces to justice. It is all how you look at it. The smaller picture step by step or just one snap shot?
Friday, August 19, 2016
Going back in Time
Fucking system. I'm so done. Done with carrying my laundry into town and putting my money in the machine for a box of soap and nothing comes out. That has happened two Mondays in a row. I mean really what is the point anymore? Who ya gonna call? No phone number to reach anyone on these machines anymore. Even if there is a number then what? I'm gonna have to wait for someone to drive me over seventy five cents or a box of soap? Better yet why don't you mail it to me? I mean when I go to use a service and there is no one there then what? Truly the first time I had to start over the second time I offered to pay the guy to use his laundry detergent because then what? I have to spend money I don't have to buy a big jug of laundry soap? Isn't that the fucking point of this convenient service that truly is an inconvenience and a scam all tied into one.
Then I go to shower and they are closed for maintenance. Then on Wednesday went all the way to Kent Kangley from North Bend. I didn't know if my rep was there or not? I usually know his schedule, but it was my only day in town. I was supposed to pick up two checks and sign for them something the receptionist can do or someone else if he's not around. Wouldn't ya know it the whole office was closed. I mean really people, I don't care if it someones birthday party somewhere else you don't shut down a whole office during business hours especially one that is state funded at that.
I had to do some shopping sometime in May and three different times I went to three different stores and their was no one on the floor. To help me find a size in this cluster fuck of clothes. Pretty much the same thing over there. Something similar but a different color and quality over there. What about what is on that mannequin? Where is that outfit at? If I had a question I had to go stand in line with everyone else to get a clerk to help me anywhere. I mean really we are the ones paying these ridiculous prices for pretty much the same thing and where are the people to work the floor? If I hear well ya know cutbacks we all have to do our share. Then why am I even here? Why I am here purchasing these clothes at these prices and their is so much to watch for before you buy. I got a list but the one that really pisses me off that is so simple and such a cheap cutback. The lock on the back of the zipper?
One night I couldn't sleep as usual I was out of smokes? It was about one thirty to two thirty I get to the twenty four hour corner mart closed for cleaning. Getting across this one intersection is like a five minute light, but I endured get across the street to the twenty four hour Chevron and it is closed for cleaning. I sat there for over a half an hour because after all this I'm not going back. Finally I looked at the guy in the twenty four hour mart and I tapped my watch. There were like six people out there waiting. If you say you are going to be open for twenty four hours then be open. No one should be working stocking and cleaning all on their own in the first place, plus the front counter? You wanna do shit like that then yes the night hours are slower and better but you do not shut your doors. Half orange moon that night.
I was supposed to get into Issaquah yesterday evening, I canceled my shuttle ride, and wouldn't you know it something happens with a pump at work of the friend who was taking me into town. Irony is like forty of those pump's were returned the next morning. They all had the same problem, they stop working in the heat. Really it cooks the paint and clogs everything up. Now I ask how long have we made pumps? I'm pretty sure they have been used in Texas and Nevada before. My point is why still all the glitches? I get stuck in town again. I think the shuttle is getting used to me. This place has stepped up there game since the last time I used their service. I have a list on this one too. No truly they saw the issue and they fixed it because I don't like the way he treats his customers and that power play bullshit. You don't like your clientele then there's the door as far as I'm concerned.
Oh yes, Michael gets to stay where he is at. I mean he was downgraded since he did what he was supposed to and get a job. LMFAO! Gotta love irony. So now that Michael has a job, and received one paycheck and he is in this housing program just getting started, he no longer qualifies for the VA. Now if you think I didn't explode inside when I said to Michael, I have been in this program for like ten months, why so long for you to get your foot in the door? He said Oh I was doing all the VA programs. So now he does not qualify for succeeding in a second hand program he no longer gets a roof over his head while working the beginning of a program? So no, really I'll stay in the woods.
Going today to get my own tent. I got organic shampoo and conditioner so I can wash my hair in the river. I have organic soap, a razor I'm good. I went and got a swimsuit. I hit every store at the outlet mall and the only one I could find in my size was, wait for it......another mother fucking flag. I swear I got flags coming out of my ass. I decided I'm going to get organic laundry soap and I too am going to wash my clothes on the rock's. I mean why the fuck not? I got the sun to dry my clothes. It'll fade my clothes but I don't care anymore. I guess I'm becoming a product of society after all.
When I look at the prices and the size of apartments Michael can afford to rent like around a thousand dollars, which truly is like de'javu. Like when Greg was going to school in Santa Clara, California. Six hundred and seventy five square feet and they are closer to twelve hundred, luck of the numbers out here. One guy in one program told me once, call as many numbers as you can, it's the luck of the draw. I feel like I'm in sales again making cold calls. On top of it I'm so sick of all this battery buying and battery charging. You have no idea what it's like for any life line you have to rely on a battery. Truly most nights I turn it off and it will be dead by morning. I have to weigh my odds out here. Well my odds are the bear will get Gary first.
I told him I will be off in the woods bouncing my flashlight on my knee trying to get it to work. Don't worry it's new, just another glitch in a new product. It comes lose inside and doesn't always work. You have no idea how many I have been through. It takes a couple minutes to get the cell phone to spiral through and turn on. Don't worry I ain't any part of stupid is as stupid does. I know the truth of everything and that is I'm the bait. I wasn't happy with that brother upstairs a couple days ago when He did what he usually does swing me up and slam me back down to the ground.
It finally dawned on me that my brother is holding my teddy bear. It finally dawned on me just who my brother was? I'm getting all cocky, I make an announcement I'm sleeping in my space in the woods for now on. Now I know I don't have lions to worry about. I just don't like surprises. I just accept that the black bears eat the ants not me. Like bears to honey. Then my period starts on the seventeenth. The night of the full moon Gary was acting up.
What came to my mind something my mother used to say, "white pony on a red saddle." Then Michael tells me something about why native women went to the red tent? Something about scent or draw, I thought it was because they didn't have tampons. I realized God Dammit my brother just set me up for another test. Another test of faith or fate I have no idea anymore? Nothing like wondering so what is this scent going to bring on? Which bear is gonna come out of the wood work this time? Is it the bear in Gary and I'm stuck outside completely on my own? Truly it wouldn't be the first time. I just know more now to be better prepared. If anyone comes into the woods where I sleep from any direction, I know they aren't there for anything good. Which is why I'm so thankful when I got back that night
Thursday, August 18, 2016
The Keys To The Code but not heavens gates
Fuck I just killed my Lady Bug. I love Lady Bugs. I stayed up all night making and decorating lil lady bug cupcakes for my children's birthday party. I even made one big lady bug cupcake. Every year I'd buy up the lady bugs and release them in my rose garden but they always went to other peoples gardens I guess. Now I killed a lady bug I found crawling on my back pack. It's been crawling around on my computer screen. I placed it there for luck. My lady bug lucky charm. I even forgot about my lady bug and shut this laptop up and when I returned my lady bug was still there. It made me happy because I was in a rage talking about all these other doctors you get sent to for all these test for just a headache now a days. Yeah thousands and thousands of dollars being spent just for migraines. Hours missed and work for doctors he had no idea why even. Yeah the standards and guidelines to treat anything else but the pain in the first place is pretty outrageous.
The doctor gave him propranolol for high blood pressure. He had high blood pressure and it helped his migraines. He explained why he's stressed. Hell you'd be stressed to always something hanging over your head just for a roof. The food they have to eat minimum choices on that. Should of been told to come back in a week and tell me how it works. Instead he was referred to doctor after doctor for months. He still had no idea why? He keeps asking along the way to each doctor, what are you testing me for why am I here? You'll have to go back to your primary for that." I was on this medication for years. I didn't have high blood pressure and it did nothing for my migraines either. It was part of the many cocktails of drugs I have been on.
He goes back and Keith asks him and he never answered him why? In the mean time Keith's propranolol has been cut in half his blood pressure is better. Still get's migraines and you know the irony? I give him my Imitrex migraine pills, which just shuts the nerve endings down and reduces the pain and for some reason the tension in the neck around it. My friend Tina who literally had a personality change when she hurt real bad in the morning pretty much living with me almost the whole time. Sent on the same doctor gauntlet highway to hell. Funny thing is for a alcoholic or addict she never asked me for my drugs but when I had them I handed them over. Those Imitrex were pretty amazing. You see my migraines are better. I don't need them so much. The same pills that I paid thousands of dollars for that are dirt cheap now to even pay cash for today comparatively speaking from then to today.
Remember most any money I got after our divorce was all these meds and doctors. All these experiments on my body. I begged the doctors and even had to beg in hospitals for that Imitrex shot I had to prove myself. "I told them literally these pills are like gold to me. I can get back to my family and my life. Minimum side effects and I couldn't get not one doctor to put in a request to get more even though I had been to four neurologist, I couldn't afford chiropractic or massage anymore, The last neurologist put his feet on his desk and said "face it, you get migraines. Some people just get them for know reason. Yours are a combination of neurological and muscular skeletal. I need both med's but I only had six to nine a month depending on the med I could get. I was always in a quandary which do I take. One works but I only get so many and the other I get blamed for taking them. I also didn't know I was a filter then either. Truth is their is such a thing as some people tolerance goes us but not the addiction. This is just one of the many points I have made about this system. I'd take it the way a doctor told me and I'd run out or told I was wrong by another doctor.
We have doctors so caught up in a system of not taking in any responsibility but still getting paid collecting checks from the insurance companies and having to cover there ass because they knew they could of easily treated Keith's migraines the first couple of times. So now Keith is getting help for half of his problem again. Just like me and all these other people out here.
Michael slipped and fell at work. This company had a Workman's comp. He reported it. He saw a doctor. About for months later he was sent to a chiropractor far away. Then four months later sent again for more x rays at another chiropractor. Like four months later another doctor further away. After a year they call him up and ask him "how ya feeling?" Michael has finally been diagnosed with arthritis after years and years right between his two shoulder blades with two different arthritis. The whole time he paid for his own massage and chiropractic and still did whatever physical therapy he could get covered. No curvature in his lower spine. He drove me nuts. I'd be talking to him and he'd just disappear. "I'd look over Michael where did you go?" Out of the blue Michael would just get a pain and fall to the floor. He was always stretching and pulling on himself.
He gets a $130 a month for all this help from the VA. Something happened to Michaels heart in a huge way then in the service and his relationship. Slam he hit the ground. She took his car, and bank account. Called the service blah blah blah. I actually wrote a song yesterday called "Hustle of the Heart." I had just sent Michael to get his own balls on his fiftieth birthday without realizing I did it and when he came back he handed me a milk and we shared a apple fruit. They were out of coconut balls at Uwajimaya of all things it dawned on me that when I was in the eight grade the only cooked apple product I ever was a apple fritter. I got a big allowance for food. My mom worked crazy hours. I stopped at Winchell's Donuts. My other donut was the devils food chocolate donut. Michael does not know this he does not read my blog.
Michael has a job he can physically do and today of all days he's supposed to be looking for a apartment for us. He is there I am here. He is in a shelter finally able to meet with his case manager. It takes Michael two hours each way to get back and forth from there to where he has a bed. Michael is paying for our storage. Phone's food and anything else he can to feed me out here. You know to take care of his woman because really I ain't going back to be told when to get up and go snack to bed. To be told when I can walk on and off a property if I do I can't come back in.
When the agreement was I have to be back inside by ten. Always been this way all along. Now church's are in fear of being hit or robbed so they allow us in but we can only be within these parameters. So now the shelter is in a jam. I can walk on coming in from a job, be told they don't know if they can let me in for a bed. Have to call someone they have to ask. They know I'm working, I mean I even had to explain how this works. I even had to point out how I had to get the number. Gotta have a job? For like three four nights always something.
Now I admit Ms. Butterfingers with the food fetish didn't help stealing heat packs and butter, but really lock it up. Don't take the whole tribe down for something like that. I see it everywhere. I have walked on and off every church and surveyed my surroundings, did my lil routine and prayer to hook me up for the day or night. After carrying other women's bags. Not complaining but never stepping out of line, I get called to the mat for doing something I pretty much was doing every night my prayer my meditation in my own way around every church. Never did nothing really but at this time my knew thing was dancing with my shadow standing on my tippy toes.
Hey I don't know who that shadow is but I know one thing it's a hell of allot better than dancing with that other shadow I threw all my hate and rage into. The one that shrouded me in pain and hid me from the truth. I have snuck out early in the morning at some places smoked three cigarettes praying at rocks under the moonlight. Am I hurting anything no not really. Caroline who works here and well I love Caroline, but Caroline some times goes to far drawing the line. Isn't always truthful about it or even fair. Truth is you have to be like that. In order to manage people however you have to have the flexibility for the individual.
I even looked at her and I said "even the volunteers and me have worked out a compromise. I do not dance with my shadow on this land in the parking lot. I step off the land under the street lamp we wave at each other now. This is my spirituality time with my right hand in the air letting my emotions go. I let my family feed me this way. I told her is my kind of prayer time. I even said, Caroline I can understand if you didn't know me but you know me. I have never stepped out of line here. Every place I go to I do something different. My contract says ten o clock and you can't keep me on a land with a ingress and a egress. Telling me when and how I can walk on. My contract this whole time and my own behavior doesn't warrant you eighty sixing me off this property for forty eight hours."
I had my sweatshirt, my double shot espresso in my back pack, my head phones, flashlight, eleven dollars in my sports bra. AHHHHH!!!Freedom is nice isn't it. Enjoy it. The movie I hated was Mad Max. It horrified me. Yeah great another movie about justice. Some other assholes who had no respect for life raped and killed his child and wife. Yeah he nearly got himself getting justice. No one else seemed to notice. He's still alone. No one else noticed that in all these futuristic justice movies their are very few people. What few people or groups their are are enslaved and living in fear. Hungry and desperate for food and medicine. Now I would call that a pretty bleak future wouldn't you? Where's the justice if we have no food, no life, no children, no future all to feed a illusion to feed the poison in someone else's wallet.
Guess what Michael can't stay in this shelter and he's back to being homeless. On a day he is supposed to be using and utilizing a program we are in together after a year of doing it the V.A.'s way and he is on the hustle to keep a roof over his head just so he can go to work. All because now Michael makes to much money. That check was not enough to pay for a motel room or food in between paychecks. He finally got two days off in a row and he is kicked out. Always just get your foot inside of one door before the rules are changed or now that you barely made it out the door, you no longer fit in here so now you have to go. We would of both been homeless out there together. I would of been alone. I may not have my family here but I do up there.
Oh yeah about that hustle of the heart. Their is no bigger crime then the hustle of the heart. Men always a scam always a hustle. The biggest crime of all is the hustle of the heart. First they pull the love, then the food, then the roof over your head. They take you down and make you pay. In this system and in the heart. They cheat they lie. Either in the bed or behind the your back, what's the point either way. To even open your mouth you are told you are lying and crazy when the truth is these two poisonous seeds were planted in the heart and in the soul oh so long ago. Some days I ask for once can't love just come easy? Why does love have to be so hard? I always have to give something to receive something out here and I don't care what anyone says it's not going to be my blood or my body anymore.