I hate this life. I fucking hate it. I don't care what people think of me. I don't care about anything anymore. Talk about a shit storm of a day yesterday. The mother fucking hits just keep coming. You know I don't know if it ever occurred to anyone but JC no matter being His Son was no easy feat. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through life knowing who you are and knowing the truth and taking the heat, the blame all because of someone else's fear? Carrying the burden all alone. Hell at least he had disciples and people to have his back. At least some people listened but not today oh hell no. A new beginning is just to scary but in the meantime I'm left out here alone.
Figuring this out and having the answers really is no great blessing either. I assure you my family have not lived a blessed life being the filters for this planet. Being a filter my whole life to my mothers demon she carries over her. Yeah that's why I was always nauseous and my stomach was always on fire. Well it's not anymore.
Told by a manager to apply for a job. Just a couple blocks from my house. I don't know how many times last week I had to go to the library to fill this thing out. Next day it's gone. It was their server's they were upgrading to a new system. I finally get it done yesterday and I walked in and I let the manager know.
All week I have not been able to do dishes or laundry because of my room mate. I was having a good day. Each day I live, I pretty much cross my fingers that things will not fall apart. You know it's all about that timing. Coming home to do laundry and dishes and start packing up my room. I have pretty much lived in my room and well my room mate has a sink full of camping dishes from two weeks ago. As I approach my house the power guy is turning off our electricity.
Had a back up plan for this too. Not the laundry and dishes but just this last week my State rep said when it turns off we will put you up in a hotel for two weeks. I think good somewhere to put the things I need each day will help. I just spent my last 30 bucks on groceries that I could not take with me. They are all bad now anyways. I was hardly eating as it was. My room mate took the can opener and the dishes. I have no money to eat out. I have lost muscle mass and more weight. I'm always so close to running out of my own energy each day. Food is fuel you know and well when your my size you need all the fuel you need walking around and carrying this back pack each day.
I call my rep and it seems due to budget cuts they can only put me up for one day at a time here and there. I am now in a motel two hours by bus away from my job interview today and that isn't counting the half hour walk it takes to get there. My stuff is in my house and I have no way to get it out of there and get it back to storage. I am so sick of losing everything I have for this journey. I am sick of worrying about this full suitcase of journals that I write each day before I blog. These journals are for my children. God Dammit I have three years to live before I go down in a plane crash. Last year it was four. Not anymore.
Another program wants to put me in a training school. Seems I need to learn even more. I'm not doing it. I'm done. I was told to call 211. I did and thank God Michael got me a phone with unlimited minutes because after a ten minute speal on how to hydrate in the weather I could leave a call back number and not lose my turn. No call back. I have no clean clothes the money or the time to go to the laundry mat. I have to go through the whole process of getting another place with someone else I don't know to be in charge of my destiny yet again.
Can't get on a lease because of that character defect I just can't seem to get past. Shop lifting alcohol six years ago. A misdemeanor that corporations are treating as a felony. My credit score is over 600. I can't get hired at corporations that do background checks. After my back started to heal, I went to Labor Ready down the road and I can't work for them either. David my rep with the State said Colleen I can get real criminals with real felonies into these places but because of this I can't get you in. He thinks its absurd too.
Oh yeah my background check came up in Oregon. Then it said not sure if it is even me. All my documentation is out of Washington where I was born. So yeah let the good times roll because here I go again, doing I have no idea what kind of shuffle anymore and I really don't care.
I have not lived with Michael all year and I was good with that. He moved to Federal Way in a residential neighborhood. Twins something, I knew he was supposed to be there. He was told he can live there forever and I was like 'hee haw" yes now I don't have to worry and I can let him go. I said to Michael, you might not want to have a plan to live with someone else for free Michael. Eventually you need to get out there and do it on your own.
I feel so much guilt knowing I'm meant to walk beside him. Knowing someday soon I'll have to walk away. Out here we really didn't see each other much and when we did we shared what we had. He worked on me every time to keep me moving right along each day. Now Michael is working a job that doesn't kill his body to do and he looks real good too. I am proud of Michael, but now the place he was staying wants there room back. The owners son is moving back.
Michael doesn't get paid for two more weeks and I got dead lines to meet. I have tried like wild fire to leave Michael but something like this happens and me and him are left with no choices. I hate someone else making choices and being in charge of my destiny each day. Every mother fucking day I had no idea what I was going to learn, see or happen and now I'm really thinking about taking that suitcase, hopping a bus and going back to that storage unit and woods.
I just don't like how Gary had a black square burned in his yard at the same time, I stuck a staff in that black square. This whole time is dejavu all over again. This time last year, I got the rug pulled out from under me and so did Cyndi and Keith.
I got my writing and back pack stolen along with my migraine meds. Gary had stuff stolen and so did Cyndi. Then I shit you not Cyndi's life falls apart. A woman who gives 200 percent to anything she does. This happens to me. They lose there place I lose mine and Gary gets a black square burned in his yard. That is why I am ready to throw in the towel.
My sister told me three things the last time I saw her a few years back. That my great grandfather was a Navajo not a Cherokee like my great grandmother, that I was born in Renton, but our first home was Kent. The Gateway. My mom moved us in the middle of the night. My dad spent the rent check at the bar. Lastly she said that when I was a child I wanted twelve children. I looked at her and I said something like bite your tongue. I told her I thought it was her and she said no it was me. I was like thank God I only had two.
Right before this went down, Kiley brings me my cross with the Lords Prayer in it that my grandmother gave me when I was five. It seems my mom had it all those years. I wear a thumb ring with a cross that was being resized I had forgotten about. Kiley brings me that too. I got my wide band silver thumb ring I wore for thirteen years back from Alex. I found a diamond ring my mother gave me awhile ago and I always wore a knuckle ring and low and behold one shows up. It was like my family jewels just showed up.
Truth be told I don't care today about any of it. I am burned out tired and hungry, but my back feels fine today.
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