07/09/2016 Family Service

07/09/2016 Family Service

Ya know Satan I've about had enough of you after the day I had yesterday? I'm so ready to vent my rage? My rage about what it's like to live in this system? What happens when the money comes through? Oh yeah brother I got my red room and I discovered allot more about myself and just who I am in this red room. "Oh Brother where art though" cuz I'm gonna drop kick your mother fucking ass out of this universe. I could really use a whipping boy about now. Someone here on this planet who will understand just what it is I'm going through? Who will understand that when things pile up that all I need is to let it go. Just be in one place and go off. I'm just venting my rage at all the injustice in this system. I let it all out in one clean swoop. It's usually about the behavior, the situation that IC. Not the person I'm venting about just the behavior of someone else piling their scams and bullshit upon me. I am done brother. I will speak.

You know Satan, Greg would always accuse me of getting scammed. Didn't matter what it was. That dumb shit mother fucking asshole never went however. My whole life I stood in the garage with the men. So yeah you can say I learned a few things. I worked on cars a few time with my father, my boyfriend Kevin my first love, who is a twin by the way Satan. Watched him take a Datsun 510 and put Mazda rotary engine in it back in the 80's. I stood in the garage with all my lil step daddies and my uncles, including my Uncle Marvin Chambers. You know him Satan right? I remember this one well. I remember and I understand just what uncle in my life he represents.

I'd go out there because I was a in betweener in this family. That's what happens when two sisters who are ten years apart hang out allot? So my cousins at my age were four to 8 years younger than me. So as a child I hung with them allot. At a time in my life it was time for me to sit at the big table, with the adults and no one noticed? Then for my older cousins it was kind of convenient to have a built in sitter to play with the younger ones. So yeah I'd hang out in the back ground watching what the big boy's do in the garage with all their toy's and tools of the trade for their time?

I got to see how cars have changed? The parts and even the tools? I got to see what it takes to maintain something? It never really bothered me a man hanging out in the garage. They don't do much, they go inside their head. They tinker and at times tanker out, taking things apart and putting them back together. That is how some people learn in life. They are hands on. When you take something apart and put it back together you learn how it works. Like Benjamin Franklin with the kite and electricity he learned electricity from mother nature herself. When I looked at it from that perspective things started to dawn on me about energy? How it flows? What components it takes to connect, to ignite that spark?

Oh Satan their I go veering off in the wrong direction just when I'm ready to let you have it. I will say this I've had it with all these scams and people ripping each other off because they are backed in a corner. So they do something illegal, they rent rooms to people and they don't tell the whole truth so now their mess becomes mine and two other peoples. She was given a check by the state for $1800 paid. My rent is seven hundred. At the beginning of this story I admit I didn't like those sevens very much. Not one God Damned bit. Who the fuck has seven daughters with two sets of twins? Who does that? I mean were they planning to have more? Horrifying right? It gets worse. Red Heads? In my head I heard "all grown" but all I could see was "one hot mess." It gets worse, his wife died in a car wreck, and he was left to raise them on his own. Cancer to boot. What the fuck brother!

That is the thing working as a server at a truck stop. You hear all kinds of shit. Men try to lure you with, their charm, their good looks and money. None of it last or is it real. Then you have the ones who try to be cute and funny wasting my time when I have a room full of people, and food to wrangle and haggle once I step up to that  line. You see when I am trying to do my job and men want to be cute and waste my time, telling me how wonderful they really are with their long drawn out stories and well some days boys I'm truly "just there to take your food order. I got a job to do. The whole time your talking to me my mind is off to the next step for me and the other people sitting at these tables.

I'm off to timing and navigation time. Dropping the bread, getting the drink's, all the while eyeing the tables I need to clear, drinks I need to refill, while customers from all walks of life, having different days of their own expecting different things, are walking in the door expecting a meet and greet with a pretty lil smile on my face just to make you happy. All for that two dollar tip. I am not on the menu and well truth be told my smiles aren't free either. I'm tired of dealing with rude people. I'm tired of working for managers who play a bunch of head games with peoples lives because they can. Just because you could doesn't mean you should. You might want to remember this point Father X. Just for future reference.

Integrity in a job any job you do, tells you allot about the quality of a person. It's not about the job or the money, it's about what you do in any job you agree to do. It's about integrity at the work place and in the work place. It's about how we treat each other everyday in society no matter who does what. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking and not being ashamed to do it. Does the company and corporation you work for make it possible on both side of the coin for you to accomplish your job everyday? Particularly when you deal with the public? No Satan these corporations that black square I see is the cause and effect on our economy. All that stress for what is it we pay for air Satan? We now no longer even need that money tree anymore do we brother? Not that it ever existed, did it brother?

I don't know about you but I am truly finding that pretty hard to accomplish. Looking back on some of my job's it occurred to me that just by looking at a persons eyes when they look at me, they are going to make me a fall guy? I realized that with my first meeting with L. Martinez when I worked at Lockheed in Human Resources. I was hired as a Admin for new hires. Literally when Lockheed stopped hiring. So instead I was placed in a file room as a clerk pulling employee files in a recession for lay offs. Still had my cubicle on the other side of the room. I walked in one morning and I watched Rita my lead going through my desk. I asked her if I could help her find something? Of course not.

During my breaks I would go to my desk and balance my checkbook. Money was tight. Rent was six hundred in California and I only made eight dollars a hour. Next thing you know I'm being called in the office to have a discussion with my new temporary boss because it seems we were starting a new thing called cross training in the office. Office cross training is when they take people and they hire them for one position, yet have them actually do and sit in doing some one else's job in someone else's department. Yeah you know get you to learn how to do two jobs all for the price of one? Looks good on the resume, don't it?

Apparently I am no longer allowed to take my breaks at my own desk, it looks bad for the department if I take personal time at my desk. The department doesn't look busy enough I could get laid off. My new training supervisor was Tim and well Tim was allot younger than Mrs. Martinez. He was our new star player.I had never seen a weaselly more piece of shit, than this man. That man's presentation alone, the way he dressed and presented himself for the job they hired him for is amazing? How could anybody look at this man and not know their is something wrong with his self esteem and he was the new star player hired to take over my managers bosses position when he retired. So much went down from there looking back it is not even funny.

Remember I don't do politics. It was in California when  I realized that whenever I watched the news it would make me really sad inside. I used to watch the news with my grandpa Paasch but for many years I couldn't even look at it. It was like something inside me didn't want to know. I didn't get depressed. It was just a emotion that passed. I avoided it by not watching the news and going on with my life. You have no idea the shit I put up with after that. Talk about office politics with a dash of bible thumping to boot. I could no longer go to or participate in office meetings. Mrs. Martinez comes back to give me a review as she is letting me know their was a problem, just before this review.

I had pulled a employee file that someone else requested who was allowed to request it. I know because I checked his credentials. It seems another employee saw her name on a file that I handed to the gentleman who requested it. I looked at L.  I said, "I work in employee files and I do my job. I don't discriminate, I'm standing in a secure department for Christ sake, I truly don't even think to look at the names on the files I am pulling or do I look in them. Actually, I did. It was the education part. What education you needed to do what job type of thing. These employee files rotate in and out, including our own. Especially during lay off time. L. cast her eye's down, She wraps her arms across her chest, this is after the first conversation we had had about the truth of what had been happening to me while she was gone. L. say's "well Colleen in the future you might want to hold these files across your chest before you hand them over." I said, "L. I have a computer to check, I'm in a secure area with people who have all been checked out and because someone else is a admin across the hall I take the hit?

L. keeps her head down, as she slides my review across the desk. Even people from other H.R. departments were pulling my file. I called one I had had enough, I asked, just why are you pulling my file? "I want you to transfer to my department" he said. As much as I would of loved that, I realized that the pay scale just isn't worth all this stress. I had dental surgery coming up again and a wedding in Hawaii to attend, it was also just when my grandfather just died.

The one who held my hand on our walks. The one I watched the fights with. The one who took me in when my mother stepped over the line. I mean looking back and knowing what I know, talk about sins of thy father. Well sins of thy father and mother. They created that storm above my mothers head. That black magic troll demon that sits on my mother head. Cause and effects of energy when a choice goes horribly wrong. I wouldn't want to of been a lil girl sitting at a table with both her parents and told  "that it is her job to service Mr. Chambers himself." My aunt Doris was a cripple he liked to call her, Hoogie. She was shot in the hip at age eleven and well I guess every grown man has his needs for lil girls? So yeah my uncle Marvin got a twofer for the price of one. Funny thing was my grandfather was not a Herbert. Funny thing is this is around the time my grandfather started having heart attacks by the age of forty. That heart chakra to be exact.

That heart Satan? Satan you are no cupid that's for sure. That is why you like it when people walk around like horses with blinders on. Oh yeah brother they won't even look at that storm that is happening all across the nations in so many ways. The weather, the politics and the end to all those big books. Yeah Satan at first I thought that black heart was mine. I wondered for awhile which brother of mine owns that black heart? My heart I admit Satan is Jaded, but it is not a cold dead black heart.

You remember brother everything I see is a manifestation and a representation at the same time. On this planet, in mankind, everything represents all the way up through planet's and heaven. So yeah Satan you remember how this works, right? Oh yeah, its been a long time for you right? You might be a lil behind on how this family tree works Let me finish up Mrs. Martinez first, I went back to that file room and I pulled her file and Tim's file. I went straight for education, employment history, and salary. You know what I found Satan? It seems Mrs. L. got passed over for a potential promotion right off the bat.

Was Mrs. L. even in the running anymore Certainly didn't seem so. I mean they certainly didn't start out on even ground. If I remember right Mrs. L had been at the company for like ten years, and our new boy Timmy is making ten grand more for the same job Mrs. Martinez had. Truth be told I still never got into this issue with equal paycheck per person, based on experience and quality of work, not race, color, gender or creed. So yeah I got the news my grandfather died, during a study group. I screamed, NOOOO! I ran to my room and I cried alone. Greg's study group even asked him "shouldn't you go tend to her? Her grandfather just died right before her wedding? Greg said "no she'll be fine." You think I didn't want out of this wedding? I made the commitment already it seems. To marry the brother with the biggest deflector I have ever seen.

What do you expect when your mother dipped you in gold to protect you? Looking back It didn't matter what I said, or how nice I said it. I would even put the blame on me starting out to lighten the load of any conversation even when it was them who crossed the respect line so many time's. Opening my mail for one. Bob actually ran over my right heel when he stopped the car outside the garage and I went to step out and he took off driving. When Bob got out of the car I said "Bob, you just ran over my foot as I was getting out of the car." He went off on how it was my fault. I just stood there dumbfounded.

It didn't matter what conversation I had, even just brainstorming ideas for the most basic thing. I would say to Greg, "It doesn't matter what it is, I can say, the sky is blue.I have your father on one side telling me how the sky is blue and your mother on the other telling me how much it cost." Never seen such a small group of deflectors who would blame someone else for others most basic reactions to some pretty big things? I never seen a family start running on assumption and start spreading the lies on their own behavior so fast. Then just sweep it under the carpet while they leave you holding the blame and the bag for their own behavior. Cause and effect. Cause and reaction of emotions. Something that is absolutely not allowed in this family. Now imagine if you were raised to not show any emotions at the most crazy things, already knowing my mothers way just isn't the way to do things? Humiliate and bully right Satan? She would even brag about how she can still kick her daughters ass. I always would just walk away and wonder to myself, "who does that or even thinks it is okay to behave or brag about such a thing? Especially your own children?"

Quite frankly I never did have any desire to go off half caulked and blame someone else for anything. Truth be told because of my mother I have been studying peoples behavior all my life. Now what happens when you marry into a family of deflectors? Looking back over everything, every scene of my whole life being re-played in my head. Stuff I had never thought off again or would ever have any desire to look at. In every picture out of all these years their is just one pattern. That I only exploded two times. I had every right to be very angry over and over you have no idea. The one common denominator is that I never blew my stack but two times. The reason why I didn't is because I have compassion for others. I have always seen the bigger picture without even knowing it why people behaved the way they do? Cause and effect of the mother and the father for each one that came before and how they came to be in their personalities and behavior in that moment. You make people deflect out of fear don't you Satan? They have fear that I am going to tell them their is something wrong with them? When it was just the behavior. disrespect and crossing of that line.


I have a tendency to walk away. Truth be told at times what is the point anymore? You can only do this dance so many times before you tire out. When we moved back from California I had discovered something in Elaine's behavior with Greg. Her body language, actions and words. Sure they were nice to his face. I realized after like three years of marriage that we have a problem between mom and son. That she really had not a clue about him but she had allot of assumptions. I was flabbergasted but I didn't show it. We spent six months living downstairs to save more money to buy a house. I knew from this one conversation this was not going to be a fun ride.

I mean this was the game plan all along. During this game plan Elaine thought it would be a good idea to move her other son Steve and his new bi-polar wife in with us all at the same time. I love Christine early on just not the behavior. So you bet I spent a couple day's for eight hours talking to councilors. One that could just get to the heart of things, not a bunch of lets just all stand in a room and scream it out. I already knew that was not gonna work. I couldn't even influx my voice without people coming all undone. I paid three hundred dollars out of my own pocket for this one. Sure enough right at the beginning of the session I watched Elaine cross her arms and turn her back on Greg. Things went well. Bob was practically dancing and kicking his heels walking out of there. Elaine I had hoped that Elaine learned it's not about blame. I realized early on it doesn't matter what you say to them they feel blamed. So they counteract with blame on their own behavior all because I have learned at a very young age to diffuse situations ahead of time.

You know what else I learned brother? That when you walk away from someone else's behavior and they place the blame on your for their own behavior, that each time I didn't stop and defend myself with the truth of those lies that I was left with that the assumption of the lie. I was left with the burdens of the lie and that each time it was spread, the assumption of the lie grew bigger and well my lets just say that's how poison spreads. That is how I get left carrying someone else's burden. They couldn't see the lie in the behavior. In that lie is a darkness we cannot see. Isn't that right brother? Another dagger to the heart. Each time someone you love and you have shown healthy love, it is another dagger to the heart. Another rejection you might say. This is the heart of the matter right here.

I have discovered that truly it when we take a hit to the heart from either the mother or the father, because lets face it it takes two to make a baby here on this planet anyways. It doesn't matter if it is the mother and father as in your physical parents here. It could be the representation of a Mother and Father, as in husband and wife who have children. Once we get hit and our heart breaks and bleeds our bodies mastitis that pain into illness. Cancer, arthritis, degenerative disease. Our physical bodies take the emotional hit. That pain grows and grows for example I have seven burning disc, that goes through now just waves of pain come on for a few days. I don't hurt all over, all the time, inside and out anymore. I am healing brother, I am getting stronger, aren't I brother?

Right at my heart chakra I have two disc that butterfly out. I am healing because I was willing and not afraid to do something different and sit on that God Damned red rock when they told me to do it. Even if the only time my back really hurt was sitting on that red rock. Like being told to stay put. I knew it hurt my children to see me on that red rock with feathers in my hair. Waiting for what I truly had no idea, not at the time anyway. I just agreed to do what I was told, and the only that got hurt on this journey is me and my children. So yeah Satan, MY BROTHER. I'm going to keep going.

That black heart brother. I shall return time for a smoke.

Oh yeah, a big thanks to Google Chrome for sending me on this pass code highway to hell. Ya know I have been colleenmof2 since around my divorce. Didn't matter the server or application same user name. Sign up for Google Chrome wow! Hell, that is all I can say and ever since moving along in this system I have so many user codes and I.D.'s, I don't even know anymore. You try being a homeless woman having my cell phone's, I'D's, and writing's lost or stolen? Always having to start over. No matter how much I carried on me at all times, well hell sometimes you just gotta put something down. If even for just a moment. The next thing ya know I turn around and it's gone.

So yeah Google Chrome I have gotten pretty creative with these pass codes and user names. It just so happens at just the right time in my life, searching out those names, numbers and families I used to know. If only to remember what I saw in each face and just who they are to me? In the eyes, the shapes, of the noses that lead right down to that smile right down to the heart. So yeah Satan at that time in my life while on your pass code highway to hell always having to start over on everything every time I switched servers? Some days I'm like fuck you, up yours google chrome. I get so mad I'm like Fuck you Satan, every time these servers shut down. I have to start over with that Colleenmof12 on everything. I'm not sure what IC in here but I never understood why a great company like google, would put blatantly in their contract they will come in to take control of everything, including what to do with it and what people see? Oh yeah, and blatantly it says their is no getting out of it. Their was no way I could shut down and reset that pink phone with the lil dove in the corner down. I just don't know what it is brother but me and technology just don't get on so well. Wouldn't happen to know why brother? I assure you Satan my family are always cooking something up.

Not with my luck in technology lately anyways. You sign on for something and you get something else these days. We now have contracts that have no contract everywhere today. We sign that form every time we go to a doctor or hospital, especially at the front doors of using all these insurance companies. Can't even use it until you sign your rights and life away at the front door. So fuck you Satan. I didn't know what injustice meant when I narrated that poem about all the injustice meant, but I do now. Especially in all these court rooms with all this addiction. That black swill and all the white rocks that lie? Yeah brother their seems to be more than one poison I agreed to take on before I came back to this planet?

I have agreed to take on the poison of that blame, from that garden, didn't I you son of a bitch? I agreed to carry the burden of that lie, in words and action's. Still brother I never took down my father, in fact I found him a home in Graham Washington after I got custody of him. I did not take down my mother funny thing how things happen when someone makes the wrong move on me in front of my children? Apparently Satan that was the truth about just where I came from, and just how I handled myself. They wanted my daughter to see the truth of just what I lived with everyday of my life. I had no idea she was standing outside my window when my mother threw the first punch. How many times did I try to walk away Satan?

They wanted her to experience and see it first hand but not actually have to experience it, didn't they Satan? Only brother again I warned her, and well she threw the first punch didn't she brother? You know what I said to my sister the last time I saw her? She asked me "well why did you come back?" For some reason I needed to see how this goes again? To see if she could actually do it? Follow through with actually helping one of her children with a roof for just a moment without all the control, the strings attached, the head trips and games? She's not capable and she has never been capable. I told my sister, "I learned just what I needed to know." That was my answer and I had no idea what that meant, for some reason me and my sister just understood.

UC Satan I remember being like three years old looking at my mother. At her nose that she happened to be picking at the moment. Yes Satan this mother made me nauseous in more than one way at a very young age. I noticed brother that my mother has a witchy nose just like my sister. It was then that I noticed I had a ball just like my daddy. I remember even at the age of three, "wondering why
the state didn't do some kind of psych evaluation before she had children?" Satan I didn't even know what the state was, a psych evaluation, or that someone could even make that choice for someone else?

So yeah, from sister to brother, "fuck you Satan." Now brother let's talk about turning my mothers love into evol once again? Let's talk about how we keep sex in our family amongst sisters and brothers? What brother again took the hits in my family? What brother escaped from Juvie like what twice? MMMMM! You know brother I wonder what happened to all those lil boys locked up in those cell blocks? In those cages with someone else holding the key's to his cage? His bed? His body? What did they do to my brothers ring of fire Satan? Who's brother took the blame, took the beating, and took the fall so I can be here today?

Where did my brother sleep when my mother dropped him off at my aunt and uncles house? He slept on the back porch with a portable heater. A open space with a tiny laundry room that went outside and into a garage where it was his job to repair lawnmowers wasn't it Satan? So I would say my brother more than paid his rent for that room wouldn't you?

Now brother let's talk about how my brother took care of his baby sister? What was I brother like three years old? That would make him eleven. I was wearing my levi's, and my lil red t-shirt. I would stand watching people sucking my right thumb with my left thumb crooked in my pocket. What was that Satan my first blow job to my brother? We were interrupted and looking back I realize my brother never got to spill his seed. Now brother I had another step brother I was eight years Then lets not forget my new step daddy who wanted nothing to do with me? That is until my sister moved to live with my dad at 1151 Juniper Street. Well actually that is my grandmothers house.

The one where I had the dream of my grandmothers and aunts bedrooms. The dream with primary colored wispy women flying around the room. Funny thing brother It was me who told my grandmother that her mentally disabled daughter is not ill due to the fever she had, but the virus meningitis's. Now Satan how ever did I know that? I was twenty. I just learned this last year that meningitis's comes with a migraine. She was still in her bassinet with a 106 degree temperature packed in ice. It wasn't the fever that killed off her brain Satan was it? It was the virus that caused the migraine, was that her frontal lobe Satan? No one knew her head hurt did they Satan? No help for the pain in my five foot ten aunt. Talk about the hits my family has taken for you brother? All for me to look back on? The pain and suffering of all these curses?

You know what brother I've learned about my family and that black heart? For awhile I wondered if it was Greg's black heart. You know Satan that last marriage he had to a woman named Ann. That was quite the scene wasn't it Satan? All those lil Annie's. Let me see he had a Ann, who by the way happened to look allot like me brother. Ann had a daughter named Anna and well Anna had a lil red headed child named Annie. My daughters niece. Wow! Talk about Cinderella children syndrome. History repeating itself right there in my children's house. My mother cleaned houses, I cleaned houses, my children even had to clean Ann's house and go back and re-do it again before they were married. The killer is she has three daughters of her own, but Greg the father of my children handed them right over.

My children worked as clerks and doing odd jobs to get paid to work in their fathers office after school. Mary Stone comes along with her two sons, who makes more money and my children are downsized to custodial duties and paid less money. A business that he stole from me behind my back. When I walked in one day and discovered my name was no longer on the business license. How did I find out? I got a call to run errands all to find out I couldn't write a check because these two opened new business bank accounts without my name. Still I did not cause a scene standing in my own office being married to this man. What she give you Greg a bill for twelve thousand dollars? I told you Greg my family business isn't for sale. I told you nobody helps anyone for free anymore. I had two surgeries back to back with a six week migraine in between. He told me to "trust him, take a break." After 12 years of marriage. "Greg just because you could you asshole, doesn't mean you should. You ass wipe. You know what I heard brother that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. Well me and my two children, well we three brother we are the perfect storm. I just couldn't figure out if it was political or spiritual? I now know it is both.

You know brother, I got lucky in my childhood not allot happened to me. Truly don't worry no bad seeds spilled here. No bad seed polluted my body. Even my councilors thought I had a healthy attitude about my childhood and that was "hey anything that happened to me is not my responsibility. I was only a child." I wasn't ashamed or did I feel guilty. I knew early on it was not my responsibility but my mothers and fathers. I just got hung over the ring of fire. Burned just a lil bit. It was always it seemed my family around me. My brothers, my sisters, who took it on. Talk about coming back to bite you on the ass. They don't blame me. I didn't pass the poison on, in my heart or mind. It did not control me. I did not have flash backs or hate men or women. It is just something they wanted me to experience and see, isn't that right brother? To look back on one day to get the answers.

You know Satan, when Alex was a toddler, whenever she said the word pop tarts. Funny thing a red king of hearts would flash in my mind. So Satan who's black heart is it? Is it the other brothers? You know the one Satan? The one who holds the cards to the other trinity at the other end of this brothers seven? W hat kind of demon did you place on that brothers head, when he took that hit to the heart? You know the one brother? The one I call Freya 2. The one who's wife died that same day with her sister. You know what I like about this brother Satan? I like that this brother is my wild card. I like that I don't know what cards he holds. Do I brother? Yes that is right when this brother wakes up to why that rug got pulled out from underneath him? He isn't going to be very happy is he Satan? Yes, brother I'm going to love watching that brother throw down the gauntlet.