You mother fucker I'm going to kill you. You know what I realized as my weekend fell apart along with that roof over my head? For a long time I went there. I didn't tell anyone. I'd just show up, I was never worried no matter who saw me walking around. The one thing my family always had me do Satan was stand out in plain site. Morning noon or night. I never hid. I never felt in in danger brother. Not even that first month I slept out in those woods. Talk about living in the land of Narnia. Funny thing is Satan no one knew just what I did. No brother, not even me.
It wasn't until after I left that truck stop that things started to sink in. Sometimes slowly as they took me back around with these rewind movies in my mind. Each time they come around they show me something a lil deeper. Sometimes it hurts so bad what they show me, I just break down and cry. No Satan not for me but for others. All my brothers and sisters upstairs and downstairs today. Funny thing Satan I knew I was meant to be alone that night and have faith that things will be alright. That no matter what happened to me, it was meant to be. I was meant to take the hits.
I had already put together Satan those woods and just what I was sleeping with? Not only had I stood in front of a black bear. Hell brother I had no idea what color bear, black or brown? For just that moment. for just that one moment I didn't want to be there myself. There I stood in my white tank top, pink and white stripe thermals, with my lil back pack on my back. Hilarious Satan feathers in my hair. Now Satan one thing I noticed is how I just relaxed. I crooked my thumbs in my lil back pack, I let her look at me and I just looked at her. We both just stood there and let whatever was about to go down go down. That mother bear, huffed! Like a lil laugh, she swung her head to the right, then the left and she walked away. You see Satan that mother bear was standing at a three way stop. I had to get by her to go any further down that trail. She walked away Satan and I crossed.
Now lets talk about those pink thermals I wore another day at another intersection I had to stand in. I was walking over I-90 exit thirty two and my children pull up beside me. I hadn't even said a word, I just walked up to the car. This was just after the forth house I slept in on the beginning of this journey. I had just hiked down a trail over a river from Rattlesnake Lake. I stopped by my children's house to get a glass of water. I had plans today to meet my in-laws. I didn't know what time, but that was the plan according to the last conversation I had had with my mother in law.
Earlier I had messaged my children if they knew what time her grandparents were coming into town? All I wanted was a conversation about Greg and how I had earlier been slammed into a vision. I think it was after they asked if they could come in me. I laid there in a zero gravity chair. I had I think four candles lit in four colored jars sitting around a round campfire. For some reason I had started setting out coconut oil and water usually in a jar or water bottle. I was lying there picturing a river of blood going from between my legs into the earth.
It was here on this land that I felt safe. For some reason during this time I knew that that dishwasher watched me at work and drove me home. I knew someone not so good was watching me. I didn't know Satan that he was the fallen angel in my vision with my unborn daughter. That faceless huge black shadow. I stood in front of you then, I just went Hmph! Shrugged my shoulders and I walked around you brother. For some reason I knew that while I was here you could not touch me. So yes Satan I did as my family asked and I let it go. I wasn't sure what was happening but I'm slammed into that garden with Greg. My X his head was on the ground and he was on his knees. My right leg had pressure. It was like I was holding back my leg. Like I was fighting something not to kick Greg in the ribs. I was begging God. To please, please don't take his life. I kept crying and begging God that he will get it right this time. I was begging God to not take the father of my children.
To please, I didn't care what he had ever had done to me. I didn't ever want my children to lose their father. I begged God for just one more chance. I screamed and I cried, "Please God, don't take the father of my children. I didn't care what I had to go through. Just please don't put my children through the loss of their father. Not after everything they had been through. I needed his hands to feed my children. It was then Satan that I just realized just now that I would do whatever I had to do. Just don't put the father of my children outside. Don't let him lose that roof that was my children's home. You see Satan I had two more visions like this. The first time I did this. I just let it go and look at what they wanted to show me? I made an agreement and I accepted the consequences that whatever happened to me on this journey. I would be safe.
The day at that freeway overpass, that I stood the three of us. Kiley's heart is breaking right along with mine. Alex plugged her ears, closed her eyes, shut her mouth and turned her back on me.
I walked to the other side of the car with fist out to my sides, crying and yelling, "for Alex to look at me. She wouldn't open her eyes. She would not unplug her ears. So I started yelling, "Alex, I am sorry honey, but this is who I am. This is who your mother is. I am so sorry." I stood there crying and I didn't want to get in the car. I think we had a discussion over a belt. I couldn't take the tension in the car. You couldn't cut this tension, these tears we all cried for nothing. I refused a ride back to that truck stop. I didn't care, how thirsty, hungry, or tired. I knew I had to get back to that truck stop. I didn't know what any of this meant at the time, but apparently it was time to go home brother. I had to get to work for the next stage.
It was just after I slept in a schizophrenic woman's house. I did not speak to her but I heard her voice. As soon as she spoke. It hit me then as my hand went to my heart and I cried. That my mother was a schizophrenic. That is why she was a opposite? Incapable, of feeling love for her children. Only blame. Always reeling us in and casting us out. It was the first night I slept outside by myself. I ran into another brother at that truck stop. We sat at the gas station across the street. We shared a bowl. I asked him about his rock design's. What they meant? We discussed the faces he saw in each rock. We always saw different things, us two. It seemed Gary's rock designs were the universe and what was going on in the universe.
Before I walked away to sleep, God only knows where on my own. Gary hand's me a white crystal angel. He kept calling it a ballerina. I kept trying to explain, "no Gary, it's one of those angel charms." He kept saying "no Colleen it's a Angel." He told me he wanted me to hold this for him. I put it in my pocket and I walked away. I walked down the road behind that truck stop. It was the big gold field with the red rock roadway. I slept under the full moon, with my back against a cement wall. The full moon shone down on me. I put my lil backpack purse under my head and I fell asleep. When I awoke maybe four hours later I felt refreshed. I walked out on to the roadway and standing to my right was Gary.
I walked up to him and I asked him "what are you doing here?" He told me, "he slept right there on the corner of that sidewalk." I had no idea at the time why? He hands me a pall mall red long filtered cigarette. I looked at it and I said to Gary, "Hmmph! My mom smoked these since she was a teenager only hers didn't have filters. Hmmph! Maybe that is all my mother really needed all along was a filter?" I had no idea what that meant at the time but I do now Satan? I am the filter to my mom's demon you have sitting on her head. That is why she made me sick and why my stomach was always on fire during my childhood. Anything I filtered through my sister took it on physically didn't she Satan? This woman right here Satan is the reason why me and my sister wondered why Karma alone never took her out?
The damage she did to other peoples lives alone was incredulous? The legal system she used? Incredible this woman who never went past ninth grade some how left a trail of bodies where ever she went. I learned in my childhood Satan, that my mother isn't happy until she makes you scream. Oh yeah my family walked me through a example of this. They told me, even though she wasn't hurting me, "to scream." I did she stepped back all smug and satisfied with what she had done. Her favorite thing Satan was to always do this when someone else was around. Yeah my mother likes to humiliate. So yeah Satan, "I know why "heaven doesn't want her yet, and well Satan my brother, "I know you don't want any of that mother do you brother? I don't blame you she's pretty deceptive, isn't she?" "She doesn't even know that just in her actions and words just what she is doing? All she is doing brother is filtering all the poisons, and lies for generations back. I truly find it amazing that after all that poisonous unfiltered tobacco she smoked that at the age of 72 her heart was just fine."
So yeah Satan, I knew when Gary walked out of those woods to go to jail that I was on my own and that whatever went down on 07/11/2016 that I would have to take the hits. Part of the reason I came back was my mind kept going back to that bone yard that I walked through? The one that a man had previously blown up in. I had already figured out about the night I looked at Greg I said I just want to jump out the window and run away. I saw myself running through the dark forest running and looking behind me. That something was chasing me. I didn't know what at the time, but I had already asked Michael if bear's eat big game? Do they drag them back to a lair? Michael said "no." The whole time I roamed and slept out here morning noon and night I thought it was the bear all along. I wondered out of all these deer and elk shit I follow why don't I see any on the East side of the woods? The woods I slept in ass wipe. Brother am I ever going to wipe my ass with you.
You see Satan I figured out spiritually that no matter what that animal was, it wasn't good. Their is no animal in these woods today that I know of that does that. Not here in this Washington anyways. You know brother I even wondered if it was bigfoot? Bigfoot is gentle. He is peaceful. Sure he is a ancestral primate in hiding and yes he has fear, but bigfoot dragging large game to a lair, that would be a big no. Well not this animal anyways. God's creatures wouldn't be hanging out by a mine brother. Like attracts like brother. Isn't that right? So yeah Satan I was ready and at peace with what or whoever was in those woods that night. Before Gary left he set me out a flashlight. I took my backup backpack out of hiding and I stuck it in his lil blue hovel in the woods. For the moment I felt safe. I didn't like being this far back however. Plus their were a few things I noticed. It was that black square that was burned outside his hovel.
I knew Gary did not like fires. Not in the woods anyways. I had already decided about nine at night I was not sleeping that far back away from civilization inside something I can't see out of. So I went back, I grabbed my backpack. I changed out of my twinkle toes sneakers. I put on my universal vans. I put on my skull cap with a skeleton on the front. It has a hole for eyes. I knew it was time to be not so seen. Time to go dark you might say. Actually it was close to ten. I sat out in the open and I watched that trucks stop from my usual vantage points. This time last year unlike last year, I can't see things so well. It seems their are way more tree's and brush. As usual I had my conversation with Snoqualmie P.D. Funny thing Satan always a conversation with these guys. Not interfering just checking in. We talked about how it had been a year since I stood on that oil can and I stuck that staff in the ground. In that black square by that well. I stuck it in the ground in brood day light, I put my fist out to my sides and I screamed "get the fuck off my rock." I did that brother. I still did not understand but hey I agreed to look crazy for my family didn't I brother? No one noticed. Amazing.
You see Satan their is one thing I knew about the location of that black square and that red rock. It is a covenant. No one truly owns it. I mean TA might pay for it but it is also ran by Tanner Electric and the water company. Snoqualmie P.D.'s territory and King County. Don't worry brother I already figured out that technically they can't touch me or 86 me off that land. I'm not in any danger, it is surrounded by cement blocks. About that word association Satan? Let's talk about covenant? Just what kind of covenant sat here centuries ago? Was it wiccan's? Was it druids? Was it something darker brother? You do know I have figured about the attraction of like and like. I find it interesting that two evil's are sitting on this land. Due to your two's work for centuries and your dark energy, I would say it's pretty ironic that two of the darker evils on this planet sit side by side? I find it ironic that all those nights pointing my flashlight from the North, South, East and West. Each time I went out their I started to notice something different. Like how the rocks that sit around the black square and the lay of the bushes, the electrical wiring all cross right over where I stuck that staff. Don't forget about that night brother that I couldn't keep my eyes open one night.
What was it four times I awoke from that cement wall, and got back out there around that black square and I did what they needed me to do. Then it started to dawn on me and that feeling I had so many different times in my life. The timing of that fatigue. My pregnancies, always when something was brewing behind my back with my ex. during and after our marriage Satan. I also heard long ago Satan that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. I have learned that since then, this rock I stand on is mine. It is my birthright. That is why I am here isn't it brother. Me and him just keep coming with the rest of my family to take care of you. I said to my mother like what five years ago or was it four, follow those red's and oranges. Those reds heal. I also said "Hee Haw we have been on this rodeo ride before." I also said "duck bucked and monkey fucked." Now brother just what do you think that means? Was it already written in the stars? Am I fated to take the poison on? I mean I've been doing it my whole life in so many different ways, right brother?
Lets talk about the last couple months of me working inside that restaurant and just what was happening to me? I have figured out that my whole life I am supposed to be right where I am. Funny brother, not only all those storms I stood in in that restaurant, but how sick I got? You asshole!!!! Let's talk about the smell of the oil that made me nauseous and at times I'd heave. I'd even throw up. Let's talk about how I couldn't eat the food anymore? The taint I could smell in some of the meat. I didn't eat it, I always gave my food to Michael. Hey Mikey eats anything right brother? Let's talk about that heavy smell in the bathrooms that I could barely walk into without getting nauseous? Let's talk about the nights I couldn't find Michael, that I hit that floor on all fours screaming yet again Satan. It was like my insides were being ripped to shreds. Everything burned and pulled. I was sweaty and I could not stand up. Each time I tried brother you pulled me to the ground. I kept coming back didn't I brother? With heat packs strapped to my back. Yes that's right brother they wanted me inside.
When I couldn't take the pain anymore it was time for me to heal. I heard "you are done serving the food." I had without even knowing what I did, I handed the reigns to my daughter to stand in that storm. You see brother, when I gave her the name tag Lil Sassy, I didn't know that I had claimed her as mine. You see brother, she stood there with you three and you didn't even recognize her as mine. At the time brother she was physically stronger than me. I understand brother sometimes you have to be touched by the poison to know what you are dealing with later on. So you can recognize later just what it is you are looking at. Isn't it amazing a few days later I'm sitting at a red rock pain free for the first time in my life and I didn't even know it.
It's all about the emotions with you two isn't it? You two squash them in so many ways. Sneaky I admit, you two evils. Well at this time I'm talking about you two seeds. I'm not talking about all your minions in disguise roaming around. Looking like a maintenance man, a dishwasher and a Snoqualmie policeman, that I heard he's playing on the wrong team. It's not only about the crossover with King County and what happens at that truck stop, oh no brother they were talking about the team of light and dark weren't they brother? That is why I got in that semi? He followed me out and told me they called the police and said their is a prostitute on the lot. I just went in to ask what the protocol was to contact someone who may be here? I had the police called so many times for just ?sitting there.That night I didn't know anymore who I could trust on what team? At the time it was both. Not all, but just a few bad apples. I was hiding, and so burned out dealing with these guys. I mean they all pretty much knew who I was. I served them their food, I never hid. Hell one night I had to show ID just for sitting on that red rock. I didn't even know at the time I was doing a sit in. I told that policeman he is "blowing my mojo, my moment, my time, for nothing." He got the message. I wasn't hurting anyone, just sitting on a red rock right out in the open with feathers in my hair. Crying the night of the blue moon on that red rock.
I was so mad at them for making me do this. Putting all that emotion into someone I didn't even know? For a brother I never knew I had in the first place. Truth be told I wanted nothing to do with him. I at that time didn't want him anywhere near me. Not at this time anyways. I may not of understood why I stood on the oil can and I heard the word niece. The day after or on I was supposed to be back. I didn't even know why I finally said "yes." Looking back I realized that looking at him something inside my jaded heart cracked. CRACK! I was so annoyed with this one. Every time I saw him walk through that door or stand around me with his coffee or smoke, it pissed me off. No matter how nicely I said, "go away." He'd do it again. I just wanted him to go away. As far away as possible from me. Just a few words exchanged, I'd do every thing to ignore him. Block him from me. The last thing I wanted or needed was another man. Especially when I was walking away. Michael was the last one. I had a second job, I loved. I was done with relationships.
Nooooo!!! Instead I get to Raging River and again, I couldn't see the computer screens just like at TA. I couldn't even hear what people were saying. Nothing was sinking in but that fatigue that dizzy feeling that was so familiar. I knew then I had had enough. I didn't know what was following me around but I sure recognized it. I was sliding fast yet so angry determined to do whatever I had to do to find this energy. I had forgotten about Michael's meth pipe that I carried in my backpack. The one he handed me I don't know how many days or weeks. It was so strange looking back that I had no idea what was happening to Michael? That spiral I would see inside him? Oh yeah it was that spiral. I didn't want Michael around me even. I didn't want him to far, just close enough to keep my eye on him.
When he finally sat down around that fire pit at V's house. Who just happened to be a Gemini, my first sponsor twelve years ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances I'm sleeping in a camper in her back yard with her seventeen year old daughter taking off in one direction, especially in the middle of the night she'd take off driving and no one would know. I told her, "I know why your doing this. I understand, all I ask is that you let me know." Lil shit couldn't even do that. I've got Michael putting me in a situation and taking the blame for his behavior yet again. Another Mother Fucking Brother. Like I hadn't seen this before.
Each guy I dated or married somehow I never tried to fix, just be there and work together. Never happened not without a price anyway. Not just the money, the time invested or the things that were stolen, that meant something to me from the start. Just taken or given away my whole life. All those hits I was taking to the heart and I didn't even know it. The let down the start over cleaning up their wake. All while cooking and cleaning for them and their children. All to take the blame for how their mother failed them or let them down just before me. Thank you Satan. You have been with me all along pulling that rug out from underneath me.
The price I have paid for not only that roof over my head. So yes Satan my brother with each relationship I always brought all my cards to the table. I was truthful. Still I never carried my baggage for what others had done before. Always a clean slate. Always a clean start. An agreement. With each relationship I walked away with less and less, but Satan these men from my childhood and past. Each brother that cracked this hard shell, the ones who snuck inside me good or bad are my brothers not yours. Don't you forget it. I know who my sisters and mothers are that I carry inside the shell of this Jaded heart. I know who's hand that I feed from all along and as it turns out brother, it never was, or will ever be yours Lucifer. I remember not only you three IC but to all the others as well who are thinking of taking me down. I remember another prayer I said long ago. You know those ones where all your doing is crying and as it turns out they caught every tear drop brother. They took me back brother to just one lil prayer that I had long forgotten about. I said with my hands in the air I was standing by a door with my hands in the air, "as long as I have a roof over my head so shall my family."
Michael hands me his Meth pipe. It was in a eye glass case. It said inside "from Herb to Michael. Michael's actual words were "it's like he's telling me, you can't have me, but he can. I grabbed that eye glass case out of his right hand and I said, "that is actually the point Michael." I walked away I went in the camper and I put it in my lil backpack and I forgot about it. When I walked all those miles in the woods in the beginning I carried it in my backpack and I didn't even know it. So when I got to Raging River I stood in that bathroom with my head down screaming inside I don't want to do this. I was already hurting inside. I knew then it was time to go hunting. I didn't know what I was hunting for. At this time I was feeling better. I knew I was already hurting but better. I was stronger. So I took a deep breath and I lined up that white rock that lies brother. I lined it up and I snorted it up. Zing, flash of lightening, a different time zone you might say. I have discovered Satan that in that dimension brother I pick up a scent brother. Actually Satan their is no flash behind my eyes. Just a scent. The movies make it look like that.
Who could forget that smell of decay? That smell of flesh rotting on the bone? Oh yeah brother inside all these rocks that lie is you. You poison the mind in the warmth illusion of a dreamy hazy time zone that you feel no pain, even if it's for just all lil while. Or the white rocks that make you zing when you should zang. You spiral, you get nothing done. You burn all your energy as your wheels are spinning and you feel no pain in that empty heart that all it needs is a lil loving. All the while Satan you either burn the spirit in that warm haze sometimes things get to hot doesn't it brother? What about the label on this drug? We don't call it Satan's Candy for nothing, do we Satan?
Then we have the crack. Well Satan that one will really crack your shell in your heart, mind and body. Well they all do don't they? Legal or illegal through the generations, isn't that right brother. All out of greed and fear you swoop in create barriers, rules and restrictions legal or illegal. Satan you create the demand and price on the white market and black market don't you? Asshole. Then on top of everything as I walk through this system and finally I get a brake or so I think. Well for just a lil while.
Got a job at a corporation that wow! Fuck that shit. I now know my limitations. My boundaries. I know what I can take. I know what I can't stand. Well Satan here I am brother. Walking through a open door, because you know out here if one door opens I have to walk through it. Even if it falls through and it's just a moment it's just about what they want me to see. The situation, the people, the behavior. The cause and re-action of that behavior and just what happens around me. For example, I printed up directions that took my mother fucking ass around a huge ass square only to end up pretty much where I started. I didn't want Michael with me I wanted to check out this place on my own. I'm at the bus stop and out of the blue Michael gets off another one. Well mother fuck.
V said in the beginning whatever Michael does he's supposed to do it. I accepted this. You have no idea how many times I have watched this rock slide out here. My Michael who picked me up and carried me after I sat for hours around that campfire. I didn't move I just sat there. I felt the energy flow from my finger tips to the ground. Hell truth be told I don't know if it was flowing in or out, but after a few hours, my arm's and back ached. My finger tips burned. I sat their just nodding with my eyes closed a smile on my face. Just saying mmmhmm! Finally I tried calling a time out. "I said, "come on guys. Try to remember I'm only human. Do any of you remember that? I'm tired, my body hurts and well my fingers are burning. They are on fire. They wouldn't stop. I pulled myself out of it. As I was coming out I saw a flash of that east Indian or woman that looked so familiar. I knew I saw her somewhere before I still wasn't sure. I was bowing and I said, "Namaste."
It was then that I realized Michael was standing there as I was about to fall over. I looked at Michael, and I asked, Michael what does Namaste mean? He said, some kind of agreement. It was then I was about to fall down. I didn't even know it. He swooped me up. I remembered seeing Michael carry me, with wings on his back. Big white wings. He placed me in bed. Tucked me in and he walked away. I don't know where he went. I didn't see him again until the next morning, I think. So no, I was and still am with Michael, he might of walked me down this rabbit hole. Michael always brought me home. I may have always fed him, but I couldn't walk away not yet. No matter what I made a commitment. Boy have I tried. I just didn't know at the time how many, or with who?
This night I kept trying to send Michael home so I could go to this strange young mans house. Whom I adored from our first message. Turns out to of had a even bigger guy friend there. No real bad vibes from him but there was something there. As it turns out I couldn't get rid of Michael yet again. He happened to be standing outside and these guys didn't even know it. It was that night that in Pioneer Square, four people were shot and killed. I was devastated. At that time, I still didn't know which way the energy flows. I had to on this journey to accept. Pretty much what I have done my whole life. This is the hardest part. Watching the chips fall hurts. The casualties in this spiritual war IC coming up. Always casualties in every war right brother? They don't even know it you smarmy slimy dog of an asshole. You dirty ass vermin. Yeah I had to pay the piper for that bullshit with you, didn't I brother?
Let's talk about that rape you mother fucker. Out of everything that has ever happened to me. I have never been a one night stand nor had I ever had one. I have never been hungry enough to feed myself like that in this lifetime anyways. Only by the Grace of God had I never had to. Never for a roof over my head. Not in any way shape or form. Now I have may of taken the hits from these brothers. Some spiritually, like all those bruises up and down my body during my marriage to the father of my children? How many doctor appointments for that spiritual beating I was taking? Hell brother I wasn't even drinking. No pills hardly except Tylenol, Motrin, and caffeine. Willow bark for pain. Melatonin, Valerian Root, and Passion Flower. I had Imitrex for the migraines but not enough. The parameters and guidelines. I could get pain pills. I kept saying I don't want them. How many fucking Neurologist, blood test and cat scans? No one believed me when I said, I hurt. I have this stabbing pain in my neck and back. It just kept coming back. I was so tired, I hurt and the 20 migraines a month were taking their toll.
I was meditating and visualizing my spine like their was a invisible battery of energy. Pushing up it. No matter what I did, I was always so tired. This deep fatigue. I wasn't unhappy. I just couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't wake up. I couldn't shake the feeling. I couldn't shake the pain. I just felt like I was always off and running. If my phone rang it was my family down both highways. Falling apart at the same time my lil universe was in jeopardy. So yeah Satan when did I take a turn with those pain pills. Was it when I had two surgeries in a six week period? Migraines the whole time. My back hurt. Well brother you lassoed my arms down with that tendentious didn't you before all this? That pain started in California. Didn't it brother? Yup brother I hurt so bad up and down. I never knew where the pain stopped or started anymore. You didn't hand me those pills you dumb fuck. My family upstairs did. Just filtering through this lil system.
They woke me up enough to get me off that couch. To cook and clean for my children while Greg and Mary worked behind my back to sign everything I worked so hard for? All those mother fucking accountants that Greg just had to go to? Four in two years. How many thousands of dollars wasted brother? All that insurance you ass hole. Yeah I've been following along with all this insurance. I know what we used to get. The quality of the doctors and how people weren't really all that sick back then. Things changed didn't they brother? We got alternative health care and Satan you didn't like that did you Satan? How many insurance claims did I have to file while major insurance companies got away with throwing them away? The letters to Debra Sen? Always a fight. Always a haggle. Even the Mother Fucking Montessori in this valley tried to pull contract for money. For services never rendered in the first place. So now we have to automatically pay companies for a certain time period even if we have no service. It's not prorated for time off or state holidays, no. It's written right there in black and white. We will pay for service even though it is not rendered. How many mother fucking insurance companies did I pay for you asshole? No that Montessori didn't get another dime from me. I exploded that day on the phone and I pointed out their contract I signed and just what it said.
Car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, flood insurance, dental insurance. Now the State says that we inherit our parents debt? Well if that ain't a crock of shit? Well you know what I have learned Satan. Which by the way I always wondered. If their is no money in heaven then why do we feel so guilty about our debt to the Government, and each other paying for all this insurance to cover how our children pay while we are here on this planet? Truth is Satan you know as well as I do that that money tree doesn't matter in heaven. Our money debt doesn't matter. It never did and I'm here to tell you it never will. So while we all sit here and ponder our debt here on this planet it doesn't matter upstairs. All that matters is how we feed our children and what is truly in our heart at the time. Isn't that right asshole. We both know after this storm ain't no insurance company or corporation going to be able to cover this damage ever. Isn't that right brother?
That is the part that pisses me off about all this. I have another brother with another ego who thinks it's about what is in his wallet and those two houses? When that is not the case. Not one God Damned bit, and because of you. A two hundred and fifty pound brother is afraid of this buck eight. He is afraid of his reputation. He is afraid for his corporation, his money, and his family. He thinks I was the wolf knocking on his door and all I want is one conversation.
Here I have stood at so many intersections lost and not knowing which direction to go in. Hell I didn't even know what it meant when I said, standing at the crossroads of the Roxy and the Emporium what it meant then, but I do now. I carried in my back pack at the beginning of this journey, a Time Magazine with a Native man from nineteen forty four. Another time magazine that had the planet mars on the front. In it I saw just how far spread Native land used to be across the United States? Before your wars. Since I have learned of the Scientist and his technology of controlling the weather and how we our Country bought those scientist. So who is really controlling these storms and our climate, you asshole? Mom is not very happy Satan. Neither is our father for that fact. You are hurting mother and making it so she cant feed her children and provide the milk. The fruits of mother nature under that sun.
You cock block me, you might say brother isn't that right? You don't want me near that ring of fire. Well Fuck you brother! My house, my life, my rules. Not you asshole, because truth be told you don't possess me anymore. I'm not anyone's cuppie doll dangling me over that fire pit. I'm certainly ain't no one's possession. Nope not anymore I'm not. I'm just one man's toy to play with. One man's lil monkey. I ain't your monkey, I ain't your puppet on anyone's string. Nope brother, not anymore I'm not. About that chain I got wrapped around my neck? You know that invisible chain I wear around my neck? The one you can't see but I can. The one no one can see that binds me to that family upstairs? Every last one of them.
Satan you tried to poison me with that rape. You tried to make me blow and spill my seed. Oh but didn't I put on a good show. How many times did I pretend to scream out in ecstasy? You lil demon man dog. Yeah I saw the demon inside you as you raised your fist, to hit me with rocks like fist. Truth be told Satan I still did not scream when you pounded me with your fist. I did not scream with ecstasy, pleasure or pain.. I never fed you anything but the truth did I brother. Yeah well demons, they just fizzle out with the truth don't they?
It was when he wanted me to go back down to do the dirty deed on his spindly lil pole. He liked making me lick his dirty ass. That was just me having to go through the gauntlet here yet again brother? After he went back on our agreement. I bartered for the use of my body all the way through. I knew when he said "he wanted to nut me up." All bets and agreements were off the table. I didn't know what nut me up meant, but it didn't sound very pleasant. I told you "my body doesn't belong to you. It belongs to someone else. You don't get the left breast. Not the one where I carry those two cancer beads close to my heart." I didn't understand then brother but I do now. Don't I brother?
That was when I heard in my head, "I have to fight for him. Him who,"I replied? " That man in the white truck" was the reply. I said, what does he have to do with any of this?" No time for answers. I never asked again either. I didn't want to know. I knew one thing however, I wasn't going to win this fight. I tried to stab him in the eye with a pair of pliers. I scratched, I bit. I got up back up front and I honked that horn three times. My outer thighs bounced from seat to seat as he pulled me back in. We scrabbled some more. He pinned me down, I just laid their as I turned my head from left and right as I got hit with rocks like fist. I did not fight. I did not want to burn myself out.
We reset. I couldn't believe for the life of me that he actually wanted me to go back down on him again. I had already bit down on him twice as he hit me with fist like rocks. I held on tight. All I had left was my words. What did I say again brother? "Please, please, their has been a misunderstanding. It is not me you are angry at but your two mothers. When your father called you his son, she thought he didn't love her anymore. Just his son." He fizzled out. He washed me off. He let me get dressed.
He told me I had to smoke a cigarette with him up front. I agreed. My usual compassionate self asked him, "how do you feel now? He replied, "rejected" I thought it odd at the time. That was the point wasn't it brother? The rejection Eve felt in that garden standing alone with that snake? The rejection he felt from those two mothers. The rejection in society for all that mental illness with all these labels that were created by man for the wrong green. These homeless rejected, Our veterans, our mentally and physically ill that your system of drugs and laws created in the first place. Rejection of our families and our Government when we get to the counters for food and a roof over our head. Yes my brother God's flock is taking the hits to that heart every time we get rejected.
I told him I will go sit on the red rock where he had found me a few nights before when we talked. I can't remember what he said, but I remember hearing a real loud screech in my head. I had heard that screech allot lately. I wasn't sure what it meant then but I do now. That lil man was adopted. He felt rejected by the mother who gave him away and the one who adopted him. I think his parents were white or maybe just the mother. He thought he was ugly because of his skin. Now Satan look at the misunderstanding that skin color causes? That anger that rage? I told him I will not look back at his truck. That even though I knew the name of every truck out here and the names and colors they represent bringing the food, clothing and water to the people.
I got out and I could hear a one, two, rhythm with each step I took. I did not look back, but I looked up. He drove a Gold truck that said CRST across the back. For some reason brother as I walked back to that red rock, I looked at the side panels of all those trucks. For the life of me it seemed 3/4 of those trucks that night were white panel trucks. I went and sat on that blanket Kiley gave me on that rock. I waited till my next move. So yeah Satan my brother. I understand how rejection works in the heart and not only our systems, but this system too it seems. Cause and effect of dark energy and white I guess. Just how off balance you two seeds, have affected my flock, his flock? Not yours to control.
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