You know Satan as much as I have enjoyed walking along this, "Cement Paradise of Hell" walking through all these open doors through this system of lies you offer. With guidelines, limitations, disclaimers and parameters to get through these programs with all these great positive names. Truth be told all these programs are spread way to thin. Hardly anyone at these counters, while all these people sitting in these waiting rooms just trying to get a start in this system, while your staff all following State lunch and break times. While hungry women, children and families wait patiently for your scraps.
Yup that's right Satan you run these people from appointment to appointment on a bus system that I stood at every morning to get to that God Damn EBT class. To motivate me to get a job. Out of ten mornings that bus didn't show up six times. You have the same bus number going in two different directions. These street names change names like four times in just a small area. Now Satan with a system like this that stresses people out and runs them through a gauntlet of bullshit how are the mentally ill and physically disabled supposed to survive? You like that. You have all these guidelines and parameters that creates all this crime from people who are just trying to survive, trying to eat, trying to have a place to call home.
My list is long on how many appointments I went to in each program and no one showed up? I finally get excepted into a program and I come back to these appointments and people have transferred out. You are having people get A.A. degree for clerical jobs. Who collects on that Satan? Who collects the fee's for all these rehabs and mental healthcare systems? Who collects the fee's every times we go to court and get fined on shit you created in the first place? These court rooms and this whole Government system is a joke. Their is no justice anymore just more guidelines, rules and fines, all the while you take our focus away on the other issues you created in the first place?
Like transgender bathrooms. How about the locks you put on the doors at these offices where the very people go to take these classes and get help? You put a code on their door? WTF Satan. My instructor Eric said to me, "well Colleen they can't get ready here." I looked at Eric and said "then just where are they supposed to go? Do you think these men and women don't want to look nice themselves and have a place to brush their teeth? What about a shave Eric? Their is more security at these front doors then their needs to be. Hell Eric I had a huge big bear of a guy run up behind me and they see me here every morning. He didn't see my badge that said RISE"
"How does this even link up?" They can't use public bathrooms anymore without going to the library. Their only place of refuge from the weather. Their are no garbage's out here anymore like their used to be. So these homeless people take the blame. The riffraff in society that you created. All to take the fall so that when we herd up these people and create laws that homelessness is against the law, we arrest them.
More trespassing fines. More blame and more drain on societies resources. Food, shelter, healthcare that is set up to fail that gives you no choices, yet more parameters, guideline's of rules running, through a maze of doctors and appointments, running here and their, and no one is treating the physical pain. Just the mental, just the emotions. Fuck you both. My flock, my rock, my food, my water. Now fuck off both of you and get the fuck off my rock because I am coming for you and I know where you live. You remember the day I snorted that white powder and I hunted you down? I walked in and out the back door of all those businesses scanning faces then I walked to that yellow house behind where my second job was. I didn't even notice the black truck then because it was backed up to the garage, I put both fist in the air and I screamed "ICU." Now I didn't know you were the dishwasher that was following me around at the time but my family always fed me brother not you. You Son of a Bitch.
What about the set up in tent city in Seattle you son of a bitch? Like their isn't guns in every neighborhood today? Like their isn't drugs illegal or legal in every neighborhood today? Their neighborhoods are prettier right Satan? Crime is every where isn't that right? White collar and blue collar. Funny thing is it's the greedy son of a bitches at the top that our own laws and guidelines trying to get to these people protect today. One man in another State poisoned the water so his own constituents would be poisoned, and that Son of A Bitch is still in office. His ass should be in prison. You fucking E.T. You think I don't see you all over this?
So brother I finally make it through a program. After all these months gambling everyday to have a roof over my head. Truth be told Satan my days were numbered and still are. Aren't they brother? Always on someone else's timeline out here, isn't that right brother? Always under someone else's thumb aren't you? Always someone pulling the strings. Now Satan my brother I ask you this, how is any of this free? How are the parameters on these EBT cards that you have America so focused on, really able to feed these people for a month at all these deli's and gas station prices? You try not being able to get a cup of hot coffee? You can't buy hot food. You can't even eat hot food unless you hop on a bus and happen to get somewhere else far away.
What about these bus tickets you son of a bitch? Yeah I see these people just trying to get somewhere. They have to go to some office somewhere else or belong to another program which half the time you get their and they don't have any or they can only give you a couple. So these people sit in these offices for hours while that two hour ticket they hold in the palm of their hand expires. How the fuck are these people supposed to survive? You make them scrape and grovel don't you Satan?
These fucking Orca cards and all these misc. discount programs you have to sign up for? How many mother fucking times did I go to West Seattle and they didn't have a replacement card for me? You see it just happens to be the one card I got was defective. They didn't have any right there to replace it. They had to re-order from somewhere else and wait for it to be mailed. I originally got that card in Kent. The office I was supposed to report too. After that West Seattle every week slogging through the rain and cold. Finally get it filled and they say "you don't have to come back until next month to refill it. I look at the date and its three weeks away.
How are these people supposed to work or get to work if the help these people need is only during office hours? These gas vouchers, what a mother fucking joke. Twenty bucks for like what brother two years? They can't come back they have to find somewhere else to get a gas voucher and that is far and few right brother? I think maybe three in the area. Have to have valid I.D. everywhere you go. Now Satan how many times have I had to do this? Great thanks for that five dollar voucher. Now where do I get the five bucks? Another program another church another journey another sob story while they decide if I'm worthy, well fuck you Satan. How many times have I had to start over with that ID alone?
The scams on these credit and background checks just to get a place? You have no idea what I went through on this one? I put it in writing everything. I get a message to apply it seems I qualify to apply now. Thanks brother. So on the phone I ask again you do know it says I have two daughters? One's in College is mine and the other is about ready to fly away. She's with her father. Told no problem, apply. Just need forty five dollars for this program that is supposed to help you out in the first place. Another barrier huh Satan? I have no bus ticket so I walk for miles and miles to that church. At the time I could only get three a week. I stopped at a fire station to ask directions and get some water. Get the check from a church in Kent, walk all the way back.
I already filled out the eight page application so the next day I go to Issaquah to deliver it and no one is there I slip it through the door. I go down the street to wait for a bus for over an hour. It seems this bus stop isn't functioning anymore. Now why the fuck is the sign still up? You have no idea the rest of the shit I went through to get back only, Catholic Community Services transferred me to Federal Way and I just found out it's my first day tonight and I'm minimum six hours by bus. I'm out of town, I got a dead line to make. It's dark out and I have no idea where I am going, hell I can't even see out the window. I got 15 minutes on my cell phone. My other stuff is at the orphanage for lost mothers. Now I got a ten o clock dead line or I'm locked out and kicked out of the program. This just happened to another friend a couple nights before at the same church.
I'm in Issaquah doing what I'm supposed to do. I eventually make it to Bus 169 to Federal Way, to catch the A line up the road for more than a few miles. A red headed homeless man helped me out. He tried committing suicide a month ago, went to jail and he was out looking for his truck because tomorrow he goes back to work. I had to walk twelve blocks to the Good Shepherd Church. When I get their the lady at the door said "oh I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow." You know where all my shit was? Back at the other shelter where I could of slept. You know where my other bag was? At that lil blue day center. If you don't come back your stuff gets donated and when I called they weren't sure if they could hold it. All my mother fucking writing. Then imagine my surprise when I get a call back it seems I didn't qualify because of my girls, but to live their I have to have two kids in school not in college. So Satan about these scams on all these credit and background checks the church's and all the good people are donating our money to? I should of invested in one of these businesses long ago, you know buy bulk background checks at a price and charge the people individually at a higher rate. Set up all these restrictions based on a computer printout. You see Satan my girls are pretty clueless on just what their mother is doing out here in the first place right, but I'm not.
What about all these mothers sleeping in cars with their children? They have to change diapers and have room to feed them, cloth them and change them. Where the fuck are these fathers? Where are these peoples families? "Truth is these men and women don't want those family doors because things are really fucked up there too isn't it Satan?" These men and women are the strong ones aren't they Satan? These people with the backpack on their backs that they carry their life in are going to be more prepared when that storm hits because these people have learned to endure and walk through the pain everyday. These people are the survivors they are the old hands. I'll just bet you these people who are out here roamed many lands before this time didn't they brother? That is why when I refused to see my children for Christmas, my favorite holiday. I sat in that church full of people, all these hungry families coming together to break bread. I saw angel wings on these families backs.
Always right where I'm supposed to be right Satan? No matter how much it breaks my children's heart. "Truth be told Satan, their just ain't no going back now. Isn't that right brother?"I have to understand for now that it breaks their heart to even look at me. For now Satan, I just can't let any of that fear I see in my children's eyes take me down. I can't let their lil broken hearts take me down. Not right now anyways. As long as they are by their father I have to have faith that he will know just what to do. I have to have faith that when that time comes all those strange things I said to him will come back and he will understand. I have to have faith that regardless of the blood and essence that flows through my veins, that underneath all these Angels and Guides I am only human after all. That I am a mother and if everything I have ever said to him was just a mother trying to get a message through to protect my children. Every last one of them then so be it. They showed me already brother that something very huge and dark is going to come right for them. Every last one of them, then go ahead and fault me. Truth be told you can't fault a mothers love for her children can you brother? I know why I released that essence all over that land?
The imprints of my essence to attract that beast to me not my children, isn't that right brother? What mother wouldn't let her brother take over to save her children? Particularly that day on the gold mound that I had to wash my whole body with river water. It had all the colors and flower petals from mother nature. I had to paint my pretty toes and fingers green. I had to brush my teeth with it. I had to drink some of it. Then I laid down facing east and well lets just say I thought I was going to take a nap, but well my brother had other plans for me it seems. Two times for the Mount Si Lions. My red's, my lions, my mountain. Mt. Si Pride.
Then later that day I had to give to the bears. I walked over by where I stood at the crossroads with that mother bear. I laid down in a round flat area of grass surrounded by stickers and well lets say I had to give one to the bears. The greens in my family. Those rocks I walked by at Cadman's Rock Quarry and I put both fist in the air. "I screamed, this is about Alex. These rocks are about Alex." You know what I learned since then Satan? I have eleven ADHD ROCKS. Don't you forget my number 17. The one who took those physical fights with her sister her whole life. The ones who's heart inside broke, because even she didn't understand why her sister was so angry with her all the time? My light, you Son of Bitch. I have learned Satan that the ones who's names start with K are the Queen's to that King and don't you ever forget it.
Alex my Angel my rock. You know what I found walking in out of these church doors and shops? I found in the Catholic store a St. Greg. As much as I'm going to tear this Catholic church down soon enough, I found who he is to me and my children and don't you forget it. If I'm an Indigo Mother well brother that makes that Daddy who works those three gardens a Indigo Daddy and don't you forget it.
Now let's get to the letter C. I believe this time around it stands for Christ daughter. Yeah Satan it's finally nice having free time on a computer to actually let my families fingers do the walking and just show me where to go. My Father is a nine, a Virgo, you remember that Irish Jack who couldn't put down that bottle? They keep showing me he didn't die alone after all that he was surrounded by kings, his mother and father. Every time they show me this they let me know who that sweet Jack really is and burdens he carried for me. They show me everyday my brother and my father on that front line.. Well the other nine you Son of a Bitch would be that brother of mine upstairs is a Libra just like my children's father. What is that a birth sign of but none other than balance and don't you forget it. I'm just going to let that pendulum swing. I'm going to let that sink in. Come on brother the clock is ticking.
Wow brother I have learned so much about my family. I mean take a look at my lil Capricorn? In her astrological sign it says 76. What did I hear that I have two more and where did I send you, but to nine layers of hell, three times over to infinity and beyond. All in between forevermore. You know what Satan, I don't feel bad about it not one God Damned bit. As scary as the stuff my family shows me and walks me through sometimes, it's nice to have things to look back on and finally understand just why I did what I did in my life, especially this last year.
My number 17, my Angel, my light. Don't you underestimate this one. I have figured out just who she is and who she represents. She don't need no markings does she brother? It's her aura her scent you want and well Satan I'm here to tell you, I think not. Somehow someway I'll get my message through to these yellow bellied pussy brothers of mine. What happened in that vision I had with my unborn daughter? I walked up to the beach and just up ahead MY X is sitting on a rock with my two year old daughter on the ocean shore. I was so angry he was there. Just then a purple triangle appeared off to my right, it exploded and a white four square appeared right there on the beach. I came out and I asked "what does that mean?" Your going from a family of three, to a family of four was her reply. Like I didn't know that, I was like eight months pregnant already. "I asked, is their a manual for this stuff? You know the colors and shapes and what they mean? Nope.
The earlier vision was of me walking around you Satan sitting in a circle of evergreen tree's. I was told I was not ready. Well brother you have no idea, right Satan? What did I do Satan, I let it go. I forgot about it. Then after when we were about ready to close up Kiley came through it seemed she had something to ask me? When do I want her to come? She told me to pick a day any day. I said "no you pick." She knew I was tired and she was asking me, my unborn daughter knew how tired I was inside. She knew all along what was coming up. I told her "I can hold out, you just come when you are ready." So fuck you Satan I don't give a fuck who's purgatory I sit in. I heard when this started that my children are doing so good because their mother is out here.
What was Kiley like four years old when she came up to me doing the Keanu Reeves move? The one where he calls his enemy step forward with a wave and a squat. She walks up to me does this move, she opens the palm of her hand and in her palm are batteries. I look at her and I ask "whats this?" She said "you know mommy they are just running on batteries" I looked at her and I chuckled, "your four and that is what you got from that whole movie? She smiles "yes mommy, that's what I got." Nothing like getting to the heart of the matter at only four years old, right brother?
Oh you have no idea the other strange things that came out of her mouth always a straight shooter that one. Right to the heart. She was five. Alex was seven and we were making cupcakes. I finally got Greg out of the house. Alex is bouncing all over searching for things including the top of the fridge, with all these wonderful grandiose ideas of just how we are going to make these cupcakes. I remember thinking, "why can't we just make cupcakes?" I was smiling. Kiley looks at me and she says "mommy your so sad inside." I took off running to the den so I could cry alone. That never worked not with these two anyways. For the longest time where ever I went they followed too along with my four lil dogs.
You see Satan just what is it I did for discipline when these two fought? I'd set the timer if one was three and the other five they had to hug for four minutes until that timer went off. Yup Satan I made these two angels, stand heart to heart to solve a problem. If they fell down giggling they had to get back up and hug until the timer went off and they never made it.
I have learned that their is a half to each heart. These are my two. That half keeps growing to some one else. Their is always two more. Two more Mothers and two more Fathers that go way back. They used to both ask me "mommy which one do you love the most? I always answered, I love you both the same just in different ways, because you are two different people." You see Satan for the longest time I saw the gifts in my children, I just didn't see it in myself.
Lets go back to those night terrors with this one you Son of a Bitch? Yes of course they took me back to these night terrors this child had brother. What happened since these started? Her left arm around my shoulder her right arm extended out behind me and she would scream mommy. I always held her and cried too, I'm right here. I'm right here." She couldn't hear me or feel me could she Satan? It was like I wasn't even there. Why is this one so afraid for her mother at such a young age?"
Satan one mother on the ground and two crazy ass red heads upstairs. How many mothers is that you Son of a Bitch? Three. Don't forget about my other red headed sister brother. Her name Stacy Gleason. Childhood friend died at the age of seventeen. Just like my brother. She to flew through a window like my brother did didn't she. What was her birthday brother, 11/17/1967, Funny I just found that out a couple weeks ago. Dates I'm not very good at dates.
My crazy ass mother and my sister on this ground. You don't want none of that. Hell brother I don't want none of that. Remember brother I have discovered what one half of a whole really means in this family. My family agreed to this because we can and well if I can, I do and that is just the way it is and their ain't nothing you can do about it.
I haven't even got to my vision begging God for Michael's life. No one said, I had to step away just yet. I just have to be willing to let him go. I have learned that together or apart I never let Michael go. He needs to learn this. Michael needs to learn to have faith in himself and to feed himself. He told me when I got on the bus one day to leave him, it was like an arrow right to the heart, when he realized what all I did and gave up for him. Even if I had to look Crazy. It's true what they say it started with Michael in this family or did it? We may never know and that is alright with me.
What is really pissing me off right now Satan is that after all those nights watching those women. Not one time was my goal to get them kicked out. It just turns out well things just have a way of working out. I hope you like irony brother because here I am doing a sit in with a demon sitting on this mothers head. Dodging eggs and olive oil as she falls apart and not one egg olive oil or object lands on me. She knows Damn well I ain't leaving that house until she is out. She is not getting rid of me so easy. This Sloth Demon is not doing this to someone else. This one is so delusional she just thinks she is re renting these rooms to someone else, for her lil scam. The owner of this house is trying to get married and he has been sunk by her too. So know I'm not leaving until that man gets his keys back to this house. In the mean time they are just teaching me to wrangle this demon in. In the end if she listens and leaves before the Sheriff shows up her and her four children's stuff won't be lost forever. In the mean time I wait as the internet is turned off, the water and the electric. Just waiting on the owner of this house to give the signal, that's all.
Then I go to the next adventure at the next house and see what I can wrangle up. Oh Satan I haven't quite gotten to that character defect that I just can't seem to get past out here. It seems shoplifting alcohol after I started drinking is labeled as a misdemeanor, but treated as a felony. By these corporate jobs and these tenant landlord background checks. You see my lawyer told me three years ago "Colleen its a misdemeanor, you should have no problem with this." I can't live anywhere with my name on a lease." This place was supposed to be my time to rest up and every fucking day something happens." All I wanted was to plant myself and write. Just to be free free to be me if only for just a lil while without all the riffraff. I want my children to let me speak without scaring them. I can't even get a meeting without all these guidelines and parameters.
Talking about rocks mother nature, the planets and the heavens are all connected. I am literally told "don't speak mom." We don't want to know, no matter how beautiful the story. They don't understand that this mother stands in her own garden." I was told that Greg can't eat until Ahmed feeds him and I don't know who Ahmed is. Do you brother? I haven't even gotten to what Satan my brother is going to do with all these food warehouses and food trucks when this goes down have I, Satan my brother?
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