Progressive Illness

 Just that word lately has been sinking in more and more. Then the question stomach infection when I had this in spring 2016, my hands, then arms particularly the left summer 2016 and by then the energy drain and weakness is full on. Then speaking to doctor on phone with questions and answers, then I look it up and it was the progression and different stages. I have said after 2 week's of being to dizzy to do anything let alone walk and be able to stay upright. 

Back to balance it was this stage and this stage hadn't happened before. I wasn't dizzy, I could lift my body off couch. I didn't have shaky legs I could walk but the different part is I still had to hold onto the wall's to stay upright. If I let go I'd fall straight over, my leg muscles and ankles aren't giving out. Just a dead fall. Like fainting or passing out from standing position, dead fall. It was like I was completly off balance, that is why I said in the past like my equlibrium is off.

Greg's birth sign is a Libra balance and Justice. We have no balance in anything. We haves no Truth in any house. We are enslaved, just with the fallen angel being on our rock, he knows I'm here. He/she knows what's coming up. All this chaos IC going on around me. 

Thinking about what I have said in the past be careful what U ask for, especially a prayer of compassion and love. These guys don't do anything gentle. Look what they chose for me, free standing. weakness and paralysis, what order and when? Turn's out nothing and anything trigger's these symptom's. The allergy symptoms' to gabapentin that were exactly the same symptom's of this illness, CIDC symptom's. The allergy to that stop smoking drug, 2 times no reaction on this drug. Then the 3rd time beginning anew the same symptom's of what I know is progressive CIDC, weakening of the muscles.

This comes on not doing a God Damned thing when it want's to. 10 times sent to physical therapy, all the doctor's that wouldn't let me speak. Refuse to treat even. It's physical therapy that blew me up on left side. I'm thinking hip's. hip socket's, sciatica, the preformist muscle, I knew I was slowly getting worse and my muscles are getting weaker. How long to get this diagnosis? All the finger pointing, my oldest saying I must be doing my PT wrong or I'm not in the right form. U R all so brain washed. 

All the while fighting to stay strong, to try and get back to strong over and over all these stages and symptom's. There was nothing I could do about this all along. I don't get in2 this dr. until end of August. I really can't risk holding off getting weaker while getting treatment twice a weak for one year and something about heavy steroids.

I want to feel good and no weird symptoms of any kind would be nice. Well after this stomach infection that I had for I'd say a little over a year, then I'm getting weaker all along. Thinking about the heart pain in my chest? Realizing once again the heart is a muscle.

I can't at time's get 1.5 feet with out falling over, I collapsed onto a chair 3 feet away, trying to stay on the edge and finish lifting my body up. Weakness and stamina, my heart. All these different reason to do a dead fall from weakness, imbalance, paralysis, fainting, I just fall and not for just one reason and I have had no control over. All the while just trying to get stronger. 

My dream's of The Fall, Standing in a crowd of people I do a dead fall face down. I can't lift my body up. Either no one see's me falling or they think I deserve this. I don't care. My teeth shattering out of my head. Over and over I had this dream. Look now what they gave me, an illness that is maybe curable, I keep falling with this for any number of reason's, no I can't lift myself up my muscles are either to weak, or paralysis.

I had to explain to Michael that when I stand my whole body shakes and trembles. I can't stand on my own, I can't lift myself up on anything. I explained how much it hurt's my whole body, when I'm this weak. The next day he goes to work, and get's me a bucket instead. I watch my caregiver walk out for the next average 13 plus hour's wondering how am I going to function today? He's now threatening to put me in a home. He tells me not to get up or do anything for myself. He will do it. Then he get's angry, hearing I have to pee. How often he's had to clean me up? Waking him at night to take me to the bathroom and he get's pissed. Get me my med's. Another damned of I do and damned if I don't in this life.

I knew one thing however I'm not getting better. He never knows what he's coming home 2. What did I fall on and break including a sprained hand, A stabbed index finger, gabapentin and the whole body weakness and tremors. I hit a nerve. Another 6 week's. The hairline fracture on my top of shoulder bone, which happens to be above where I sprained my hand still healing and it retriggered my whole left side hand shoulder and arm. Thinking it's a bruise. Then 2 hairline fractures on my 2 phalanges on top of foot  toward ankles. Well let's just say the Mortens Neuroma in both feet are also flared.

They, upstairs literally took this fall thing to a whole new level. 

Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy

CIDP tingling in arms and legs. Gradual weakening of the arms and legs. Loss of reflexes. Loss of balance and your ability to walk. Loss in feelings in arms and legs. I have gone thru hell, and so many diagnosis's, that have walked into one more symptom. Getting weaker and weaker over the years. So many ER doctor's, and neurologist sports medicine specialist, Just trying to get the diagnosis in my back what I went thru and it kept coming up, a diagnosis. Took 3 years to get that. 

Then when I got here in 10/04/2016 sight unseen. Being taken back to my hand's and the knots in my back and neck. My toes the burning and tingling but now Morten's neuroma. Which I discovered also just like that first x-ray. Being patronized by another doctor asking why it hurts here and next time over here? That's why I'm here. A diagnosis and help but noooo. I found it on my own. Scoliosis and Kyphosis. No S Curve. I'm pedaling out between shoulder blades the fucked up sacrum and tail bone.

My hip sockets crooked and shifting. All those miles walking thru the pain, all I did was stretch my back leg's and hip socket's and hold the front of my thigh and calves tight. All those year's, all those knot's being patronized and treated like a liar and a guinea pig on your bullshit solution's to pain. U doctors serve a system an insurance and a stock machine, not man. It pisses me off that My fatigue first my hands then arms, what do I have an infection in the lining of my stomach and intestines' that Got bad in the spring of 2016. 

All the while my deep fatigue, up anywhere from 3 to 5 in that bathroom every ten minutes. I wanted to go back to the woods. I was getting weaker and more tired. Crashing for 3 to five hours at a time. It took me until the summer of 2017 to get an answer from a hip x-ray that was unneeded. Then I find out from doctor who did upper GI and Lower GI. The infection cleared but still just showing as black spots. to think. that it was I now why they had me go into the hospital and get them to listen. I drank very heavily. To C what it's like physically and to lose more right's.

Having to here the words again psycho sematic just like Alex and the Judge. It just had to be sum obscure thing. The Knott in my neck and my left shoulder, then arm, then as it got bigger and harder I could feel the pin pricks behind my eye. I was still not on a large dose of pain meds and for over a year that non narcotic, that jacked me up. My physical allergic reaction these symptoms of my leg muscles weak necking until the front and back muscles don't work.

Like 18 months after this knot finally got an answer, Complex migraines that have stroke like symptom's. all the while my left leg down low and the sciatica in hip socket, constantly rolling it out to keep going. What's weird is sometimes being completely paralyzed, not even your hip sockets will move. A doctor on Friday called me back over an upcoming appointment, for Home Healthcare stuff. This doctor asked my symptoms, I told her is that it progressives almost every time it comes on. No rhyme or reason. I can't find the pattern. This time in my last hospital stay the process started for Home Healthcare.

I said in 2018 I couldn't do my walks at all. Couldn't get next door or come back with a load of laundry and trust my leg's. The dizziness, my leg's are doing their own thing. This doctor asked if I had a stomach infection in the past? I said yes, like 7 years ago my body is shutting down my fatigue and weakness, Feeling like my balance and equilibrium are off.  I just knew once again I could make this once again about something that hasn't anything to do with it.

She told me her husbands doctors name. The name of this disease. What the treatment plan is like a year. Being seen or treated twice a week. Something about large amount's of steroids. All these years once again being controlled, judged for my pain and ignored. Patronized all the way. Sent to physical therapy 10 times. Which is why freedom wears a blanket on her left shoulder. There ain't no Freedom up in this house. I said chest pain because this time the jaw, ear, mouth accommodated with chest pain that comes and goes randomly. It affects your muscles your heart is a muscle. I have more questions. Being this rocks petrified tree of life? My father took me to the petrified forest. I try to hold onto being told that I will get back anything I've ever lost. I fell to my knees with right hand in air bawling. Feeling the blessing the energy. Still having no idea what this is about.

Truth be told I can't do this another year. Even though I have a walker which only work's when my leg's are strong enuf to lift me up. The wheel chair is to much weakness to even crawl, or make a plan to fall off couch or toilet down to the floor. The scooching the crawling. The pain in my left jaw I thot was part of the complex migraines which after I slowly learned more. Can't speak, left eye is dark. The twitching. Standing there or getting ready to move. I don't stagger I just dead fall as my muscles and ankles go out. 

She the doctor who asked the question's and told me the name symptoms and treatment plan. I know I need to go in. I can't wait. No matter what I don't have a year of even knowing what I know. I never know tomorrow or if later today what stage I'll be at. When it's going to come on? What stage is it going to come on? I have to do this video. This time I want it done by 4th of July. My family reunion. 

Oh yeah 7 years ago sent to Seattle over a clogged gland. Dentist concerned cancer. Now 7 years later still there but the whole center under tongue is swollen and down the middle a red line. Like a cut and all under tongue especially on left side its all swollen. My tongue is numb. I've only had the last few day's jaw pain. that goes into ear and nothing I have is taking it down pain wise. This is just one of the what I think is it the chronic migraine? Is it the CIPD that brought these symptoms on this time? Then I find under dental pain in jaw and ear pain. Cancer. I hate that C word.

Of course it just can't be an infection of the gland? It started out like 2015 looking like a gird tongue with a white tip that I pushed out later with my tongue but the long swollen gland that looked like a bird tongue remained and now painful and altered.

Oh yes 2 other things the doctor that said to Michael Psycho Sematic. It's in my head. I'm doing this to myself. Michael got pissed stopped her from speaking with his hand up. He said I know here she wouldn't do this. I've been here care giver watching her get worse. Then he said this is not about alcohol. Know matter what she takes these symptoms keep coming back with nothing and no rhyme or reason. 

The nurses took it upon themselves to cut my hair that was finally where it needed back to. Plus the Shekinah her twin flame the Holy Spirit. In 2015 first I'm looking out of her eyes then down upon her. That's when I saw the Bodice fitting medieval white gown. Her hair. Like I used to wear mine. My weddings. I didn't know if it was a storm I was sensing because later it was a war. Snow or ash?

I want this over. I want to break the chains that bind. Give U back your heart. Give U back your Faith. Truth behind Love and our cock blockers of Love and evolution.

Boundaries

God damnit, it has just been hell, especially this last few years. All I have been thru and not in any condition to write or blog. Either my hand's don't work, or dizziness. Realizing all along I have been learning even more in my life, particularly the pattern's of my mother and Greg. Elaine well I knew all along of her judgement and lies. Another person to ruin my day. Getting shown how every time it is my day I've had these 3 even others in my life like Gwen, manipulation and control. Another person in my life creating trouble because they didn't get their way with me. Someone else whose gonna make me pay because they didn't get their way. 

Being shown when I first started taking the blame. Age 6 my grandmother. Catherine the Irish one. Being shown when I first spoke about it to Marlena my councilor. I was also clueing in at that time energy. That I associated love with energy. The cherries and the blue bowl. The cherries represented energy. It might of been Alex but on this journey the cherries came back around. I worked with them one morning. The blue bowl came back around at the second house I slept in on my first four homeless night's. I had written the promised land. I had been told by these 2 sisters to watch out for King County. I thot they were talking police, but I learned the hard way their point King County and that HIPPA form. Just another pause moment in life.

Going over my four agreements and understanding each day the hard way about slavery and civil liberties. This blanket legal system, insurance, pharmaceuticals, that schizophrenic label and when it first came up or so I thot going back over stuff, connecting more dots and having so much more to write. Going over when and where I noticed a pattern in how my body and I have reacted in certain ways. When and where I was standing? My first three times over doing a screeching inhale inside me and even outside me. Each time putting my hand on my heart.

Then it switched in another way the 3 times to the Zoro zoot zoot zoot. Very interesting when this happened. Going back over 2012 my great Cherokee grandmother showing up in my room. 3;16 in red showing thru her. I knew I recognized her but I couldn't place her. Then the 2 grey's showed up and how it was my 3rd eye that opened, I didn't have to turn around. It wasn't until this journey that I got answer's. Not yet putting together that I started seeing them in the fifth and 6th grade. Not learning until the history channel that they are the grey's. To me they were still demon's, but in 7th grade we moved again and I kept writing the strange beings off as my childhood imagination because I had watched a horror show actually 2, but at this time it was the Sentinel. The other was the entity and well not only has that movie come back around. Learning that their really is an ardor and it's not what people think.

The 3 book's I threw in my life and why. Going back over my number's, my dream's when I first discovered on this journey and how long until thing's really sunk in. Going back over the bride when she first came up and she kept coming up. Learning who the man in the navy blue t-shirt from my dream's whom I only saw the back of not knowing until he showed himself that he was a part of this. When I first saw a man carrying a cross, hearing the word Sanskrit, seeing Jesus Christ with a sun ring around his head but still not processing that this had anything to do with Jesus Christ or God and my belief's in my life. How I came to the conclusion that I don't need a box of wood and stone to have a relationship with God. I don't need a religion of their own rituals and rules. Learning how people use God as a good excuse for their bad behavior. Taking their own righteousness now thinking they are the judge now. They did not put their Faith in God instead doling out your own judgement and justice on another. Including limiting someone else's faith. Another way of slavery and oppression. Another bully in life. 

All the times JC has stood in my presence after he showed himself at the end of September 2016. My reaction's, my argument's with him at first. Me being the one fighting and arguing, him showing up later in a variety of different clothing. The navy blue t shirt, how he stands quite a bit casually with his arm's crossed. Then it was when I was put in 2 vision's with him at first standing at the foot of my bed with that white sash wrapped around his groin area, at first thorn's on his head and blood running down his face, I went to touch him and discovering what I was wearing both time's also, my reaction.

The white robes he'd wear, the conversation's at the time. Seeing a huge palm behind me and a white horse bowing in front of him. Being shown the red t shirt that I was usually in and taken back to other dream's and vision's over my lifetime. What I was doing, seeing and wearing. Putting together the time's I wasn't asleep but had vision's. I'd forget because anything that happened was done sequentially and very far apart, even by year's. Even in Fall City with my great grandmother and the grey's I'd literally fall right back to sleep unlike my childhood. Going back thru my 7's, 10's and 12's, The discoveries on this journey. Fall City, the Rose the name of the park in Fall City. Quigley Park, I was also working with an Ariel, red hair. They weren't kidding when they said I'm done serving the food. When my body started not working at what stages and the timeline. Still today people assume Alcohol I wasn't drinking. Hadn't drank in years. 

It was a policeman who'd come in on the graveyard shift. He was a single father so I had heard along with the number 7 and hearing he is standing at the door. He's hear for the son. Hearing around another policeman He's playing on the wrong team. The twin's when my 7's kept coming up but I kept hearing twins. Including finding out Darren is my twin. The other joker and fool born in this family. How twin's kept coming back around. His son's name Aron and finding out after the history channel that Moses brother's name was Aron and the name of the mountain that he was working at. Hearing the burning bush, our past President's the Bush name along with the brother Jeb and how he said their is no heart in that house.

It was the second house I slept in and his name was Mason then it turned into the Masonry and then the free mason's. Michael's great grandfather was a Freemason and he changed the family name then from a really old religious name. Yeah, God has so much word play in his codes. Well it was the book of angel's that I used as a guide. The legion. God's protector's and first family. I kept hearing Ariel, house home animal's. The black and white dog's we got while in California, Greg's birth sign and learning their was no balance at all in our relationship. How can their be when someone is so good at lying and blaming, he didn't know how to do the most basic thing's. The conversation with Steve in Phoenix, over hearing Elaine blame me for splitting from Wes and Molly as friend's how it was both of our decision. Who tells a mother whom was very aware of the stages her children were going through and why because of the book's she had read and the day care licensing class taught her so much.

She was a positive parent. Not a no parent, not creating drama or discipline when they are to young to even process it. She was very patient and not a screamer or yeller. Saving her no's for when it is important. Alex only did thing's one time but she didn't get the attention she was trying to get. Instead around the beginning of opening this office, all that she went thru getting it open all because of a secret and a lie that Greg kept for 4 month's, being shown how she was then made responsible from that moment on for having to meet these people with Greg's boss. How Greg still was not acknowledging or even cleaning up any part of the mess. Him losing his income over the next few months, without her having to pull something out of the magic hat once again.

All the time's that Greg said U have to do your being assigned more responsibility. Being shown the time's he had me back in that office to physically do my part. My father's funeral. She get's a phone call that she has to not only get this off the ground but doing all the leg work up until then getting it open. Being abandoned in the biggest fixer upper and being made responsible literally for every thing now. He wasn't going to allow her to hire someone and he wasn't going to help her.

Being shown when I first opened that office I was still working on the wall in the living room, and having our third heating system put in. Forced air. When she first had to put both kid's in the Montessori she was the one going in the office alone scheduling billing errands marketing and cleaning. I at this time had four set's of keys gone. I had to have the fire department come and break me into my own office three times bcuz for no reason he kept taking them off the key rack.

When they said sabotage you have no idea, just how it was always something with him. Always. You have no idea how I was now fighting just for the basics, including dental and healthcare for my kid's. He didn't want to pay. Being shown just how dysfunctional that house and especially that kitchen everything was. Everything was done the hard way. How long I had a refrigerator that was small and I had to thaw it by hand every month. The freezer we got for like 50 bucks and it was her who had to rinse and wash lift and drop this freezer all after she almost miscarried Alex and he not only didn't acknowledge he made everything harder. 

Being shown how he wouldn't acknowledge that she needed to hire help and he'd fuck up any help she tried to get in order to keep up, all while this guy is having to get out of town. His party and all this travel was supposed to end, but it got worse after buying this house bcuz he had no logic or knowledge of the seasonal and daily  work that goes into this fixer upper. 

Being shown all the time's that Greg left me to resolve any drama that came up bcuz he didn't even know how to communicate and problem solve. How he kept putting me on timelines. Like not going back to work right after Alex? Why pay a daycare to raise my daughter? Babies can cause a parent to miss work, and who was made responsible for even this. Being shown how when someone complimented me and or my work he'd wave his hand and say that's nothing. Being shown how often he pawned her off to another Chiropractor and just when he'd do this? How I paid another Chiropractor while pregnant with Kiley and after bcuz she was last if at all on his list of priorities. 

Being shown how much these 3 people made her pay and guilted her if they couldn't have complete control. How they'd punish her. The relationships they destroyed in my life then being shown you big brother your abuse of power. Your blanket laws and diagnosis being put in our school system. If the system doesn't allow it U have no voice. No right to speak or defend yourself. I never needed anyone to step into my life and try and control me or the life I'd built with my girls. Being shown that first mistreatment center and the manager letting him in when she and her 2 councilors said no. The conversation and threat's I got from this woman? Again someone else making decisions in my life that wasn't theirs to make. I always learned one thing in my life by experiencing and watching other's like with my mother, someone I knew I never wanted to be like. Who took the right and responsible action to not repeat history. How much these people and others have stolen, blamed and lied about. 

I still have a lot to say bcuz I get reminded for example another number I forgot about. Another name or color for example. Emotion's, not being allowed to have emotions, normal emotion's in my lifetime, when other's can have passive aggressive behavior, threaten and bully me, being attacked and or threatened in my relationships. Not allowed to speak or defend anywhere in my life. I don't think so. Not even in a Justice system that really is nothing but blind justice. No justice just a justified system. No freedom, slavery don't care nothing about the color of your skin. I have learned that slavery comes in all different forms. I had to experience all abuse, bcuz of the prayers from my heart over time.

It was a pause moment from my past. Not the prayer but how I have experienced every kind of abuse that their was up to that point or they would never of gotten the prayer's from the heart. They would of never gotten Justice or what true freedom is without me living through all the slavery and injustice. Don't ever tell me how to speak think or feel. Don't ever tell me what to be thankful for. Yes regardless of how I got here I still have every right to be angry about my life being a set up. My life and children being stolen. Remember on this journey and the one U will go thru walking through heaven. The journey of Truth, not blame. They not just one guide but many. They are witty. They make U laugh, they make U cry, they pacify then yank your chain showing you more injustice to piss you off. You purge your emotions naturally. They don't last like meeting JJ for the first time. Gwen's grandparent's, Having God show himself. Being told what to call my actual Father who has popped up a few times in my dreams and on this journey. Walking by a church and being told I'm to call him Father. The emotion's last like five minutes then you move forward. 

Why I called this boundaries? How hard and what I went through trying to set boundaries with people that have no boundaries. I see this a lot in society today. People have their own rules but no boundaries, no respect. Whom had the worst reaction? My mother age of 18 getting physically attacked for my mother's lack of boundaries. Take your Political Correctness and shove it up your ass. 

We Belong

 We Belong/PB

She's write how fitting that V of peace from just one of my granddaddy's hand signals B4 I left all the way back to the V in the last painting of the Last Supper. C ing that V in her name, 2 hands in the air then the letter Y standing with two hands in the air. There R two thru out history. I'm a little Tao the yin the yang balance. I keep going back on and off to what I said the last time in Cowlitz county. When I put my right hand on my heart and said to Michael crying  "these people R hungry for food, they R hungry for love. On a walk I went on with V our topics? One being when she's thanking me for feeding Michael. Common denominator or clue? Food and love. What does a mother feed U from the very start, we feed food and love. These 2 do go hand in hand. Also kept hearing 2 mothers. Anne and Mary Consecutively. Then Wendy. The storm.

Harden My Heart/ Quarterflash

How I've been listening to and hearing the insanity all of my life. Zion, my mother, a schizophrenic or a seer. Whom just happens to be so mentally ill she has a scientific and a spiritual label. I wasn't thinking of V and her agreement when I was on her lot making mine 2. How I've been saying their have always been 2 thru out history and time and God is energy. Crystal clear energy. Standing in front of God the first thru fourth time, I did not see, but everything permeated me. He shot straight for the heart, my answer my children. For my children. U know the who's. U knew what was going 2 cum for my children. Not where, when and why.

 As for 2, First it was V, then it was Gary. He's a good man. The only one who treated me as an equal and didn't hit on me. In any one of his characters that he represented. What a gift to watch participate all the while feeling safe sleeping in the facinity. If he was going 2B gone during the night he let me know. 

To me he represented of John the baprist, his tragic death I later found out (history channel). What he would be today being whom he really is a prophet and a seer. The curse of our system, creating all these grey areas, in that HIPPA. I'm not allowed to C. 2C in others heart's. To hear what they R saying when no one else hears or sees bcuz U put laws and guilt, that label and pharmaceuticals

Beings Standing In My Room

First Home/The gateway in the land of king's as a newborn, then where I was born from about 1 to 2 years old. I was born in the land of kings.

Monticello Apartment's. My grandparent's managed them. The color Pepto Bismo pink. I lived here from 2 to 4 years old. Cowlitz County.  

A toad in my crib

A birdie close by from age 2 to 4. He lived at the Monticello Apartment's. 4 more throughout life. 

A 15 year old in Adams County, had crush on my boyfriend. Name Birdie.

A inmate from Alcatraz, who went off when I asked him about reestablishing himself in society. He went off.

Then the last two were lawyers. One was disbarred right after my divorce was finalized. 

A Mr. Bird who told me 2 let the rape go with a company that kept calling the police the last one accused me of being a prostitute and I needed to be on that land. I was at the counter asking about protocol. Walked out going to my white sign in the woods. A man comes up 2 me that I had a conversation with 2 evenings B4 and he said she just called the police and said your a prostitute on the lot. Then a cop drives by. I ducked under a semi and crawled in that guys semi. I know better. I worked there. That agreement and Faith to go thru any open door or invited to cross.

I wanted nothing from this business. I knew the agreement I made. I was told from a medium that the slime on me is from my female ancestors. My daughter worked on that lot. Like rape hasn't come up in my life. Not me personally. They wanted me to walk thru the system and King Counties abuse of power with that HIPPA form victimizing your victims. Talk about slavery, I don't think so. Get this shit off my rock. On top small print, emotions and spirituality. I believe it's number 9 that I may only pray within a religion. I do not think so. It tells U your rights but in order to get service U have no rights. Fuck U.

From 5 to 8

Rainier, Oregon Clackamas County

A man with a man body and dog head a staff in his hand. Pointy nose he'd stand outside my window and look down at me with one eye. 

A Native woman on my bed, long black straight hair and a doe skin dress arm extended to me. My sister said she had her on my bed. Finally got a hold of her recently. She told me that yes as a child she always had something standing in her room. I knew she was a SEER. Truth Seeker.

A huge wolf that sits on it's ass and can stand upright. First it was a shadow of a wolf sitting there. Arms on elbows staring at me. One night my whole room lit up I was 7 to 8. It was coming from my closet only now he's not a shadow, he's all white with red little girls in red dresses with red hair and red bows hanging all over him.

Castle Rock

My cousin screamed one night because a Hell's Angel was looking in her window. I saw the shadow of a wolf.

Toutle River

My whole family is camping and motor cycle riding. I'm sleeping in a hatchback with 2 of my younger cousins. I wake up and there is a blond woman with a messy pony tail, t-shirt and zip up sweatshirt. She was knocking on the window, or making the signal of knocking waving me to come over and open the window. I did not.

Third Grade we moved again. Every year we moved. Still Cowlitz county. Pea Green house. My school Barnes Elementary. I had the red room with a red carpet. This time it's a man whittling wood standing between closet and doorway. Some nights Id get up and look out the window in the sky on my left a rainbow egg is floating in the sky facing North. When I'd escape to get in bed with my sister it was a black shadow at the door.

Still 3rd grade we moved again, same county. Different house. Olympic Grade school. Like Greece hasn't come up in my lifetime. I don't really remember anything in my room. One more move with just my mother and me for the summer. Black shadow was the watcher here and actually we moved again back to king county still the black shadow 4th grade. Highlands Elementary. Yes I am a Highlander.

Shadows Of The Night/PB

We moved on the other side of the block the summer going into 5th grade. Same school. I hated this place. A dirty white duplex. Went to church with my best friend on average twice a week. Forced to go to church with my babysitter at times. Her father a pastor. They spoke tongues. It scared me, especially when bam out of nowhere I get hit with a ear infection. I had to stand up front crying holding my ear while strangers put there hands on me speaking in tongues. Needless to say she was no longer my sitter.

This was the year my brother was in a car wreck, just after my mother screamed at him no you can't come home for Christmas, I wish you'd fucking go off and die. He did. I was standing right behind her.

I had no idea for years what these things were. At the time Gwen's mom told me if you think a demon is there it is there. I would scream in the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you. I had watched a movie called the Sentinel from early 70's. This woman had black beings walk out of her wall's. I chalked it up to that. It's in my imagination from that movie or it's demons.

They had spindly legs and arm's. some short, some tall. They'd crawl around my room. For 2 years I had these thing's. I once again would lay on my side watching them move around, watching me. I'd get a kink in my neck and have to lay on my back and turn my head 2 C them. I'd cross my arms across my chest. I felt like they wanted to stake me in the chest. Then 2 short ones were shaking my bed when I fell asleep watching them.

What About Love/Heart

Now I know why? They are part of the cause of the depressors. The grey's. The grey houses. My grey sports bra sitting vigilance at that red rock where I stuck the staff in the ground. I knew it represented something. Kaphoon, Japan, Mars, My Japanese mother in law raised in Hawaii. Pearl Harbor, and the Girl With the Pearl Earring, Her birthdate 9/11. twins kept coming up. Twin towers and the Israelites. To the big apple, twin towers and ISIS. Wall Street is coming down. 

The 3rd and 4th time I almost drowned another pause in Hawaii. Round top park my 2nd wedding to Greg overlooking 5 main attractions the toilet bowl, another four for me. He didn't notice he was by our friends. He touched my shoulder and laughed. A big Samoan blocked the crack and pulled me up.

We moved again the summer going into middle school. Honey Dew Estates. Still a Highlander. The things standing in my room stopped. I'd wake up a couple times a night for a minute, knowing I had been talking to someone. Someone or something was just here. 

I got woke up one night. I had just cleaned my room. It sounded like a mousses nails scurrying on paper. I turned on my lamp and crawled to the foot of the bed bent my head and shoulders down, I awoke a few hours later, looking at the clock sitting up in bed. My covers up to my waist. All I knew at this point was that my grandma Lily told me my uncle sleep walked. I thought that is what I was doing.

Fall City/Mayan Calendar/2012

My whole room lit up, and my great grandmother showed up in my room showing thru her in red the time 3:16. All dressed in Lavender with a matching head scarf. Cherokee from 12 who married a Navajo. She had a purple book and rosary in her left hand and her right hand in the air. Vietnam war era is what her cloth's reminded me of. I'm screeching pulling away, throwing my pillows through her, trying to get out In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke U. She floated to the door and turned left. She looked over her shoulder to the left at me. I'm still doing my chant, trying to hit my lamp. I turned it on and she was gone.

Then 2 tall grey's showed up on 2 different night's right after. I didn't have to turn around. My 3rd eye opened and I said my JC chant and he disappeared. The next night another one showed up again with a blanket in his hand. I did the exact same thing as the first only I got half way thru my JC chant, and he threw the blanket on my head.

Name of park in Fall City? Quigley Park. I served at Raging River, my trainer a red headed Ariel. I have also been through all my red's in my life. My first meeting to Chair, Fall City, the Rose with a picture of my girls singing at this church for Christmas to my left. Plus I stayed 2 months with a Rose, Fall City. Standing in front of the steps and traditions asking myself, how did I get here? Now I know.

I first spoke in Fall City about what I saw walking thru town, window shopping. My clueless walk. I stopped and looked behind me each step I took there was an explosion. 

I have already written since this agreement the beings that have shown up since I moved here all the weird beings in my house, people travelers, old souls, Aliens. To think I said in 3rd grade wouldn't it be great if I took the Alien's to the white house and introduced to the President?

The 

God Gave Me U/BS

 Well so many list, so little time. They obviously have been going over, Greg and my mom, like every scene of these 2 taking my time and energy for granted, creating more demands. Having me give away my things. These two just coming along and stealing from me. Ruining my character and good name. Truly these 2 are copy cat's. Just both playing games and abandoning me. Selling my stuff. Nit picking the fuck out of me. The grapes of Wrath is right. Making jokes when I'm serious. Raised as an object, then being treated like I'm a possession nothing more. Every time it was my day, Greg ruined it, my mother B4, and Elaine. All compulsive liars and blamers.

Love Story/TS

Then more list, all the times I stood in front of God, then JC. At least that's what then.

When and where these beings showed up and disappeared.

The end of my dreams I never knew I had, and all those vivid dream's I never forgot. Now that I've been back over these standing next to God screaming, punching him in the arm, screaming no no I don't want to go back. Halloween 2016. 3 dreams. My first time coping on this journey but now I understand them. Pretty much all of them/

My flowers where and when I discovered my flowers.

My wardrobe

My diet

my colors

my colors of houses

Total Eclipse Of The Heart/BT

How they taught me slowly over time

All those beings standing in my room from beginning of life thru 6th grade

My flashes I'd get on and off, sequentially so. Years and years apart.

The location the first time I played sequence, the names of the people. Aunt Mary, blue eyed Jack and Dave and it was my chair that broke that night.

Making a list of what other mediums have told me in my life, the ones that were real that is.

When I took my first communion and when I was saved and where.

5 years old Adam's county, my grandma Catherine gave me my first cross with the lords prayer.

First time at Christian Church age 3 my cousins Kimm and James, On and off for a few years then fourth thru 9th grade. Some things didn't make sense and I couldn't relate to the bible and I find out all these big books of hope are about me.

2012 Mayan calendar Fall City

Names I heard in the beginning, first I applied it to people I know here with the names and situations from the past, like conversations and with who and when? All those short conversations I had with people in my past, family then friends, then History. Then further and further out to the planets and stars.

Connect Four, yes I connected the 4. I played war with my girls with connect 4 to teach them strategy, focus. It's the four horsemen. I have been thru all my numbers in my life.

The names and I heard in the beginning.

Abuse and slavery? Who really pays?

 Thunder/ID

Good song. Been awhile once again since I have written. I laughed the last day I tried to force myself to, March 31, 2022. It was blank. I just didn't even know where to begin anymore, at that time. Maybe my hands weren't functioning. Who knows anymore. Been taken back thru my whole GodDamned life someone is alway's making me pay. Just for walking away. Not alowwed to speak or defend. 

Lose Yourself/eminem

Want what I have. Then they just come in and take it. Take everything. When I said the second prayer from the heart after my first councelor, My verbage, not being disrespectful, at a loss for this controlling psycho behavior. Then the threats, for nothing, thinking they own me, they have a right to control me. They have the right to make me pay every step of the way. Then they punich take. Destroy your character, and credit.

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark/FOB

Then I marry a man, yhe exact same behaviors and characteristics. Talk about highway robbery. Brothers, codes and doors. The Bleeding hearts blocking Rana's door. All those years, all that time, all those lies of once again, no logic. Being shown how I handed him a journal to write down his emotions after Quigley lost his leg, telling him it's important to purge your emotions. Being shown how not one time during any emergency. Family emergency, auto emergency, personal emergency, misscarriages, and almost miscarriages, pregnancies high risk and he didn't lift one finger to help me ever. He did not acknowledge any pain, migraines. Telling me I shouldn't give my children Tylenol during fever and teething at night. My Clue with this was after our divorce a medium told me, do not ask him for anything it gives him power. I didn't understand that then, knowing what I know now?

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked/CTE

Being walked thru Father past and literally every time he was expected to help me, he would just decide no. Literally tell me that. I have been walked thru every time I asked for anything in my marriage with him, I was told no. Being taken thru both of these mentally ill people, including Elaine, None capable of empathy or love. They have been in charge of my life. I have been threatened and black mailed just for sport by Zion and both just sucking the energy out of me with these unrealistic expectations and demands. Then U big brother no defense once so ever. The Grey's the Mayen Calendar Fall City 2012. Blanket justice and blame. First my great grandmother with 3 16 in red showing thru her purple atire from Vietbanm War error, purple book, purple cross in left hand, right hand in air. Now I understand. Then two different nights right after 2 tall greys pop in standing behind me. I didn't have to turn around or open my eyes. I said ICU, ICU standing there. My usual chant, in the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you.

Centuries/Fall Out Boys

Then one to two nights later the second one showed up and I responded and reacted the same way. Only the second one threw a blanket on my head. The depression, the grey's. Twin towers, and Isreal/God Moses slavery for the Israelites. From what I can tell now slavery hasn't ever gone away. Not with all these prejudices, hate and restrictions. Talk about slavery and oppression. Learning from what I can see thru out history slavery has remained consistent in one form or another. Learning why my great grandma Bishop threw away her 7 little Bishops birth certificates, including hers and her husbands. Didn't want her children to be treated like dogs. The clue, the migraines and Lincoln standing in chains. Learning my prayer went from taking on my families burdens and stop this circle of abuse. My second prayer the word circle of abuse and slavery. I hate slavery.

Just who is the Shekina?

I know I'm suppose 2 get 2 part 2. I was trying 2 do just bullet points. If it's my 4 I automatically go back over the 4 and what happened in my number before. Each time it's deeper another connection. Another experience. Another injustice. 

Then last night with Michael watching movies, the titles and names. If a saying or vs comes around. I write it down and look it up.

I wrote out a list of connections.

More titles. Then I think I'm done. More will pop in my head, likely dream's. The vivid ones I never. 4 got like my watchers in the night. Seeing a woman knocking on the car door window. Discovering she was real. 

I got the name Shekina on the angel cards. Her twin flame Holy Spirit. I can't believe that's a part of who I am. I came across her name toward end of bible. I don't know where exactly or if I read it.

Last night it dawned on me I still don't know anything about her. I input her name and I'm scrolling thru different bible text. Sumthing about God. Dammit I have 2 look it up again. C more stuff. Is this ever going to end. 

Perhaps that's why I came across her name. Don't know which bible or if they are spelled differently in bible and angel cards.

Purging

 I am so sick of this. I got it long ago balance and justice. I asked so I'm a little Toa. The yin yang. One of Gwen's expressions. Put it up his yin yang. Trident and Wrigley? Asswipe's birthdate and numbers? Hey U gave him this number. God never said, just how the beast would B marked. Christopher, they don't like him. 2 birds flew up when I asked why? Then I hear the other clue, Assassins' Creed, the apple and religion? Christopher Columbus was the religion that wanted the essence of the apple. The Serpent in the garden. Another part when the serpent married his first love it will B Armageddon. That black heart is incapable of love. Love, it was all about money guilt and blame. Then just one of my ten twelves from the start his birthdate? 10/12. Balance. There really was not ever balanced from the start, no Yin and yang in any of it. I mean come on Aleister Alexander Crowley's birthday. Same birthday as Greg. The birthdate along with his 666's, not a good sign.

I have Faith. I mean how can I not? I literally live with one of the dumbest arc angels. Michael the arc angel is being blocked by a little demon boy. It doesn't matter how much I have connected the dots? In one ear and out the other. I can tell him proof, over the head. Another fly by. 

I never realized what it means 2 B the God Daughter of all. Thy Kingdom Cum thy will B done. On earth as it is in heaven. Heaven on earth baby. thru out history and time it is said Armageddon and oh what a revelation this journey has been, walking back thru my history past, present, future. I assure U, I've been thoroughly screwed, inside and out. I am who I am, I like myself and my family tree line just fine. 

He made everything so hard. The cheapest quality. After me driving with around 1970, a very dangerous truck. He would not acknowledge. It wasn't logical to be pregnant with the 2nd child and still have no thot, what am I going to drive with 2 car seats? I put my duty in and 3 years later saying U just had to have that truck. I didn't get paid and no credit for a God Damned thing. No acknowledgement just a wave of a hand and oh she'll be fine. No empathy or thot for her well-being. I gave him a journal in Sunnyvale and asked him to write down his emotion's no matter what they are when our friend Wes lost his leg. A healthy way to purge your emotions. To get them out become aware and move to the next step, the next emotion. 

He is emotionless at the cruel things he said and did. My tone. for one, Am I worthy to eat a large fry, to even pay for a large fry? Telling a woman who either hands it over or shares without thought. This is his way of telling me I don't share, I'm being shellfish, and I am unworthy to pay for or eat. Looking back, they're right it was always some kind of accusation, the undertones of blame. How many times did I did my usual slow turn of the head when he said something off the wall, shocking? The common denominator is saying out loud that I blame him for the pain. Blaim and pain

They have been thru every car that has been sold out under me. From a teenager to him and another did too. He wanted my car, and it was cooler than his and he drove the hell out of it. I'm still angry that it's me. I know U think it's God, and it it's cool to do what I have to do? Clean this rock, clean this house. Oh yes, I have to do my part. That if I don't show up by his side other than just the guy's. He was angry if I didn't go. he demanded, not one please or thank U from him for anything 

What, I'm Actually Representing God? Just Let Me Die, It's 2 Much

When I'm yours Bruno Mars

The song came on. 8m thinking about the North, South, East and West.

I C myself being pull3d in all directions. 

Take Me 2 The Church by Hozier

I love this song this is how I feel. 

This rock is my church. I give my life to save my children. I will hurt, I will suffer 4 my children. I always will provide 4 U. Love is evolution and growth. By now I realize I'm not just the sun son I'm here actually representing God. The invisible man is right.

She will bB a 🌹. I want 2 run. I want 2 hide. it's just me and me alone. I stand alone. Human ♥️ Vs. God's love who C's it all. I am human and I hurt. I'm tired. I still need U 2 trust in me and further more trust in him. If anyone has lived my life, like others looking 4 family. Looking 4 hope. looking 4 Love, I am here. Here is where I am. This rocks Queen of heart's stands alone in the land of kings. waiting for my heart. 8f it cums back 2 U it's yours.

The House That Built Me

By ML

I came here 2 be a mother 2 my children. U Satan will not take it from me. I know who I am and who made me who I am.

When We Were Young by Adelle

Greg, I have no forgiveness for U. No love for U. Every pregnancy wondering if I have enough energy 2 feed my children, my dog's not 2 neglect them. I hated when people literally nelected what took them to the next step of love, to build care and grow. I couldn't. It was a fight a battle. Everyone taking me. My energy. I kept associating love and energy with Kai and B4 Alex all * felt was energy with her. I kept wondering do I have enuf energy, enuf love 2 feed her love. 2 feed her food. 2 hearing her wake me up like Alex. So happy, so cute and helpless. Later not crying they grow. As soon as they C U. They are jumping, smiling and laughing. Their Lil duck but's. Their 2 front toofies. Jumping smiling and happy. The one that loves U and depends on U. What is so sad is mother's waking up angry when they C that face blaming the baby and child. Starts out angry. If U can't look at he/she and melt your heart frustration and anger. U have no business having a child. 

Perfect by Ed Sheeran.

It seems no 1 is perfect in this life. Not even God. Not walking thru no justice anywhere. Our constitution free speech turns in2 what in this land of freedom? Somone discovers one-part 9f one thing, what does my own country do? Label him a conspiracy theorist, he's crazy. Big brother goes after the little guy.

We are ostracized. Destroy our reputation. Our education, our truth of 1 part of the equation. Our government hides it. I walked thru it. First character, reputation, our education even. They our government limited our education. We are not smart enuf unless we pay 4 vour education. U big brother have collected on everything. This is why I heard prohibition. Not just alcohol. Not just drugs. U this system are our drug mules. All these affiliates to confuse U. More places to report. More middlemen to supply jobs. More slavery 4 less thru out history. Everyone from Justice 2 freedom in all walks of life. No 1 is free as long as I think this land of freedom is free. I have discovered I have people doing anything 2 get here. We have no freedom or Justice. We have no truth anywhere. 4 what? More money. No 💜. Thank U big brother 4 nothing. We wonder why U in any Government expect me 2 trust U or my flock.? Flock U. Get the flock of my rock. 8 have discovered after looking up Shekina I am the Mother of this Nether nether land. I am the 01. I am God. I am the energy

The atom. The creation. I don't like anything I'm seeing with man. Wel it's all about me after all. No mother. No food. No love.

No love no life. U as man wouldn't even exist. I as man and law white to black or woman to man. No soul, no heart, no eternal life.

No spirit. No love no life.

No one wouldn't exist without me the creation of everything

The creation of whose own making? 

Reep what U sew? Only on this rock, 

Thy Will Not Be Mine Go With God, by God. written by God.

U Were Mine by the Dixie Chick's

Once upon a time. No white knights in shining armor 9nly black. Sleeping Beauty? Only black Knight's. I'm jaded I've discovered no fairy tale endings. No love, no light. What I told Greg in my first few weeks. With my right hand in the air telling him nothing grows without love and l8ght crying as I speak my heart.

For me to discover who I really am? Why I had 2 go thru extreme punishment and hate behind the scenes. The worst of the worst. I married Mr. 666 the original Beast you've heard and not knowing expiercing yourself all along. The destination, the anger and hate behind so hurt and angry nowhere 2 turn 2. U R guilty B4 proven 8nnocent.

We R the collateral. Our bodies, our Justice system protecting our civil rights our civil liberties. I followed the Adam's and the Johns from the start. First family. The Anne's, the Mary's and the Wendy's. In life what happened with people 8n my life with name and location from here first. The experience, the conversation then. 

The other things I heard. Obelisk, Ariel, house home animals. The music by Pat Benetar. Fireworks that night. My best friend Cyn the mother hen not wanting 2 let me go back 2 the rock. I felt like I was walking with a staff. A policeman another profile 2 stop me 4 walking. Sitting quietly connecting crying praying and/or writing with the beat and topic of the music. A staff, those closest in this life scared and angry. A journey no bother 2 others. No questions, no conversation from me unless at a counter and purchasing with EBT or cash on this lot. Unless spoken 2 first. 

I walk I dance, most important the 2 prayers in my life were The Lord's Prayer and Serenity Prayer. From beginning 2 end.

 At the end of both I said "Thy Will, Not Mine, Go with God." 

Faithfully, Faith, Fate, Fated, Karma and Justice

What a journey. What a long Haul. Being compassionate. Giving people the benefit of the doubt with emotions and a bad day. 

Doubt by Dove

Being short and cruel. Punishing others, takin, taking taking. Guilting U . Making me pay every step of the way. 

5 main people in my life. Taking advantage of my love. Same with my sister every step of the way.

Go Easy by Adelle 

Where do U turn 2 the Justice System? U big brother?  I always wished I had a big brother. I always wished I had a father 2 guide

 Help me thru this pain. I remembered, what Elaine said about the poem. Footprints in the sand. 8 gave it 2 her when I came acrossed it later. She didn't remember saying that. Guess I rem8ndered  her or made her forget.

Mercy by Brett Young.

C how music makes me connect the dots. Mercury. The rainbow and apple. Then the big eye in the sky Issac Newton. Only 2 discover. I have a brother. A Father. A Husband and a Mother after all. Sisters and a brother thru out history and time. Who carried me. Not one of U. U blamed, the jealousy and hate on me.  Sum 1 always making me pay there or here no1 looks or hears. Just scream my name and take my love 4 granted. Blame 3bety where not any speaking defending. No truth. No

Your Song by Elton John

The blame started age 6. Grandma Catherine Anne. I recon it got me prepared 4 my future. I was used 2 it by then. Just walking away and crossing that bridge. Here I am, walking away in peace, I paid for compassion. No onevever let me make that choice about my life my 2xperience of what I'm lived thru, I waited in chains in your justified system.

A 1000 years by CP

Doing the right thing. Do what my lawyer told me 2 do, just 4 back up, protection. None of it existed. Covered my ass as I was told. Hoping 2 get time away 2 find me.

2 late 2 apologize by 1 Republic the magic number is 7, the magic number of the universe.

 My strength of who I used 2 B B4 Greg. If I get some therapy in the mean time. All the better. The discovery. The pros the cons no balance.  The manager let him 8n. My counselor's said not to. It's what I said first. The manager let my abuser, neglector, slavery U have no idea. He made me and his family made me pay. My own mother, I paid. Not allowed 2 speak, defend or have a emotion. 

My Immortal by Everessence

I sat in your justified system. Your boxes. Your mistreatment centers, your jails, your blanket justice system making my flock pay pay pay in every which way, u sign away my rights. I either agree or I'm mentally ill. A conspiracy theorist

 Your science doesn't rule me, my heart, my flock, children or family. They were born with a soul. They never belonged 2 U 4 a reason. 

Don't speak by No Doubt

U can't speak or defend unless it fits in your blanket laws. U own my body my spirit my God.  None of U do. Abuse of power and righteousness every where I turn. Karma and Justice. U big brother are a good of example 9f bad behavior and the trickle down effect of bad behavior. This is a bad example of decomacrcy and abuse of power. U used God's name, playing God. Thinking it goes money, social apoearances and society. Sposed 2 go God family then work. The mask U wear in society. $ doesn't make this world turn. God is energy and he does.

Bleeding Love by LL

The bleeding heart flowers that blocked the door from opening. 

God does, the angel's. The true Conductor who knows the Truth. 

List of stuff I still need to type Part 1 of 2 on next page

I feel 2 slow. To far behind brain wise. Memories and connecting more dots. Fuck I hate this shite sumtimes. Yesterday I had to stop my hands were twitching and not hitting the right letters. I still have stuff to get 2. Like every time I was with Jesus Christ? I'm talking about visions. Actual conversations and time with Him. It's sinking in further why he didn't look the same as his photos throughout history, culture and different sects of religion. 

What is stranger is I actually can tell U what God looks like in human form, in my dreams and visions. What has sunk in is the vision on 10/31/2016? I was talking 2 Him got flashed in 2 3 dreams really quick. Hitting Him crying, pulling and screaming like so many times on this journey. I know I told this one. His arms crossed as usual and the dark blue T-shirt. He looks at me like come on Colleen, and says I'm right here with you, I'm God. 

I wanted to write out all dream's so U didn't have to look thru all this. I haven't finished going back to the beginning because I realize with everything so connected it's easy to get off track. I wanted to just write after carrying a key number 4 to V's mailbox and hiked thru the trail in my red slippers. Haven't earned the ruby one's yet. I took it to a huge white Teepee. I believe I made the agreement that night.

The morning after I put coconut oil and water in the circle with four colored jars. I put the jars in a square around the circle of the fire pit.  Laid back in Zero ground chair that I sat in when I made my four agreements' the night B4. Feeling energy go both ways. 1 line of energy going in from the ground in 2 my fingertips and feet. Feeding me love and giving me energy.  

Sitting with a grin on my face going mmmhhmmm, I kept doing that, eyes closed. Then I believe a Hindu woman that I met at the Gateway, she had me step on the egg that I brought and held. I stepped on it, It was an exact replica of my head with the eyes blacked out. She said he has convinced everyone you are crazy. I looked at her and went duh! 

This is exactly what this system has done. They are shutting you down emotionally. The legalization to allow the schools to take over our rites as parent's and U passing laws leaving me to have no rights to ask questions about what they are doing and why. All I heard was the system says or are procedures here are. Nothing adds up. It This includes counseling our children during a divorce and doing it again without permission. 

Back to after I made 4 agreements'

I got up from chair and Michael carried me to bed. I saw huge white wings on his back and asked him what namaste meant. I bowed to her and said Namaste. He said an agreement.

The same woman my mother sent me to that last summer as a family during Mary and Greg's 90-day plan to set her up. My sister called her a witch and U know I have learned that seer's your Truth seekers have been accused of witchcraft. The witches hammer a man can accuse any free-thinking woman of witchcraft. Even the midwives, especially if something happened to the baby.

They gathered herb's 4 medicine and seasoning on food. They were burned at the stake and threw the fags on the fire 4 kinneling. 

I have over 4000 photos 2 print as well as Kiley and Alex's. I'd like to get Kyles and Michaels printed as well. 

Screw the deleted photos and messages. I still have to print this book. It's been like over a year I think since I printed this blog. Saving it on a flash drive or disc, I don't know if they will have the software to run a computer to print from.

Another list is all the different beings standing in my room during childhood. We moved about every year. I have since learned when my watchers switched. The answer I have learned is it's the counties and cities. My father's, grandmother and aunt Judy's county was Adams County on Jupiter Street.

OMGOD! I just figured some other connection out, finally. I wondered what this street name meant in this. Jupiter is Kyle's planet in astrology. My family street name growing up and I found it I don't know if it's Kyle's relative or his wife who passed away. He didn't know either.

The King planet the 12th house. I'm Mars the first planet. The first house.

Another discovery I really want to ask my sister. What place in Oregon did we go to visit Jim the molester's sister? Roseberg, Oregon. I kept hearing the name Bell and at the time met another mentally ill person. 

At the time I was thinking 2 things, The names of the four schools right around me when in High School. 

The 2nd seeing Bell on Beauty and the Beast and the rose. It was the one that wasn't a cartoon. The mother/wife died some time ago. The father went to her bed and picked up a red rose. Then I hear she died of the plague. I wonder with all I know just what my story will be in the end? 

Please let's just get to the end, so me and others can heal. Learn the Truth and move forward.

From the Beginning

 I know I have hardly written in a long while. It took my father 6 years to get back to me in a very vivid dream. We were on my back patio me father is sitting to my right facing me, he is telling me that Jim is not a good man. My answer was love all he needs is love. Now that I know what I know now and not then that is the answer they wanted, love. The first time I stood in front of God begging God not to make my children lose their father they already lost their mother. Don't do this to them. Once again, my answer my children and love. Not me. Do what you want to do with me just not my children. Take note I didn't know what this was about.

I stood in front of God 3 different times in 3 different gardens with Greg's head on the ground, chained with his hands behind his back. My right leg feeling pushed to kick him in the rib's. I'm screaming and crying. Later it was Michael's life I was begging for. I'm hitting my fist on the ground screaming this was not the agreement. This was not the agreement God. The agreement was that nothing happen' s to Michael. He was supposed to live. Not to take Katie and Phil's father. His children have been through enough. I had seen Michael riding a red bike by someone I went to high school with property. He was an upper classman. Kyle and There's. I didn't find out this until weeks after agreement. Another twin peaks, the show and it just happens it's filming the sequel. All I could do was was think of the crazy log lady. I'm literally walking around them at that time. I said 2 myself, the father did it. 

 The 4th time in front of God Michael is wearing his tie dye t-shirt with a big white heart that he always wore whenever we see my X. I asked V Michael's X who also made an agreement B4 me why Michael always wears this shirt? She said Michael is here 4 love. She was also likely sitting in her zero-gravity chair, on zero ground, which means no power. Her agreement was also to be willing to look crazy. What I saw was Michael riding arm's wide open, head back toward the sun. A car hit him from behind. They drove off and all I could C was Michael laying in a ditch. I thot dead. I'm on my knee's pounding my fist on the ground. Screaming at God, begging and pleading. I lit all of Cyn's candles. I took out Keith's weed box with a red bike on top.

I discovered just recently that I did the same thing with Kyle. Sitting late in 2 the night. Having a peaceful spiritual moment. I was reading a old message from Craig. It said that when I look at the stars in the sky, then something about an undercover angel. I bawled. Then I'm running and screaming thru the parking lot. I got to the road heading for red rock road. I said out loud that I don't care about the rat's and snakes. I laid in the middle of the field. Curled in 2 a ball and went 2 sleep. I awoke at dawn cold. I walked to the last big mound on the left. Curled up on the side of the mound facing east, the morning sun and slept some more. Some 1 again called the police cuz some1 is sitting on a red rock. He came to check my ID. I told him he's blowing my mojo. 

I was told we were going down in a plane 4 years from now. I'm running and screaming begging God not 2 take him. They lost their 2 mothers' young. Don't make them lose their father too.

 I made 4 agreements. When I made this agreement, I wasn't thinking of V and her agreement. I felt like when I got to V's house it was set up just for me. Her and I were feeling and thinking the same thing's. V showed up at our house, we were renting a room in Si View. I had no idea she even knew where we lived. I'm sitting outside on the back patio with my bong that I was using CBD oil or high CBD flower for pain. Plus, my enhanced joint. A man whose son was addicted to meth, took it upon himself to break my bong and took the nail. 

Someone is always taking or stealing my pain med's. Like Christine another server from work. Knew where I had them, she got in my wallet and took them. Christine you are a coward. Just because U admitted to Cyn doesn't mean your forgiven. Cyn does not speak for me. Before it was Zion Mary thinking she had the right to take my med's because as an adult she thinks she own's me and has all the rights still. Before this it was Greg. I am done. U don't get 2 decide my pain and how I treat it. U don't get 2 humiliate, belittle, ruin my character, to try and take me down with your illusions and lies. U don't get to steal from me. Take thing's from my home. Throw out my holey jean's. U don't any of U to lay a hand on me. U mentally ill and mentally healthy don't get to do 1 God damned negative thing towards me. I am done paying for your sins. Pick your door.

Shadows Of the Night/PB

 I thru away all my pills except 2 the last February B4 the time I made another agreement to walk thru the valley shadow of death for 5 days. I had no idea who I was speaking to B4 I went in.I didn't know what that was. I didn't know what was wrong. 6 months later I kept hearing write, write. On this night I was to tired. I narrated what they wanted to say. Remember I'm just figuring out what a scribe is. Since I have remembered 3 things from my childhood that I had written. I was about 4 to 5 years old. I'm sitting in an insurance office writing. I had been doing this for the last couple day's writing. I wrote about emotions. There was an older man he seemed upset and emotional. The insurance office had a big elk on their sign. 

Home/BS

The second was a song in 5th grade. I don't remember the lyrics. Just the title. It was Keep On Trucking For the Lord. The 3rd I was about 20. I realized I will never have a relationship with my father. He was married to his bottle. I named it The Man Without the Bottle. I told him how intelligent he was. I wrote about his carpentry. I wrote maybe in the next life we'll meet again. Now I look back I should of named it Letting Go or Forgiveness.

Tryin to get over U/VG

Back to V's unexpected visit. Her behavior was social and very outgoing, open and honest. She was happy, laughing and smiling. This is not V's normal personality. I went with it. She sat down across from me. She tells me about the agreement she made. To be willing to look crazy. No one knew, not even Michael. That she was diagnosed Bi-polar when, I believe a teen. Take note she's a Gemini, twin's.I was angry with Michael for not telling me and him catering to her mental illness. He finally told me he didn't know. She was really good at hiding it. Months later I laughed. I had found out in spring of 2017, that I had been married to a mentally ill man. Well, I have discovered more since my agreement. My laughter was here I am being angry at him for not telling me.

Neon Moon/BD

Here I am doing the same thing with no knowledge either. It was in the winter of 2015 walking back to another house of blue at the Gateway. 1 of the 4 thing's my sister told me in November 2013. 

1. That I am not just Cherokee from my great grandmother, but that she married a Navajo. I knew this but didn't think much about it. Later I realized the suitcase of old photos that my grandmother Lily kept under her bed. I was about 3 when I started going thru these photos. My Great grandmother Bishop. Beatrice Bishop she and their children looked like birds to me. Eagle and hawks is what I saw, but this photo these native's looked much different. Very round faces. There were 7 to 8 people standing in front of a cabin. Overalls and butch haircuts. The one standing to the left had one blue eye and one brown eye. My great grandmother including her 12 brothers and sisters. 

Queen Of Hearts/ JN

2. This I didn't know was that my first home wasn't where I was born, Renton. They turned the hospital later in 2 a Kmart. The joke was that I was a blue light special baby. It was the gateway. The first person to pick up the phone was a shelter in the Gateway. I went to school with Lisa who managed the shelter. I had kept hearing house of blue. V had a pepto bismol blue house. Her beasty blue truck. This House Of Hope was blue. another house of blue.

Wild Horses/GB

3. That I was a Kennedy on my Irish Catholic side. My grandma Catherine Anne Mulligan. I knew this also but never really thot about it. What am I go8ng to do, show up at their home, howdy cousin? Like that comedy where Quaid show's up with his very red neck family for Christmas. It was Chevy Chase's house. Now I don't know if I'm a Kennedy, but I do know I carry the curse of the Rose. Later looking at the Kennedy's history, I finally discovered a few things since. I thot it was about money. Why John Kennedy was shot and killed in 63 in Dallas Texas, and Robert in 68? I thot they were killed at first because they were influential, well liked. Then I went to the money, the Kennedy's couldn't be blackmailed. They had their own money. This family had been in politics for I don't even know how many decades. 

I will FOllow U/CT/and If God Is on for us

It wasn't until after I got this apartment with the history channel. I think it was Ancient Alien's that I finally got the answer. John wanted to speak the Truth about the Alien's. The CIA didn't want this out. The excuse was it would create a panic. The Truth was our government want's the public to think that man and law their unconstitutional laws were the highest beings on my rock. Man, and law. The first time and only time I heard a voice come off someone. it was the nursing home. Mrs. Laws was there about 3 weeks. She was with it. Could communicate and carry a conversation. She was weak and slower moving but otherwise good. I was walking down the hall. She was screaming like a baby. Her night gown above her waist. No blanket and she is strapped down all four limbs. The word was dignity. She was right you don't treat my flock with dignity.

U Say/LD

 Then I finally found an article about their sister Rose. She was a young adult. A young woman who wanted some freedom. She wanted to date boys. Perfectly normal. Her father had a frontal lobotomy done to her so she wouldn't be promiscuous. This is the Kennedy curse right here and my curse of the Rose. It is also why my aunt Judy had meningitis at 6 weeks old. She never went past the age of 5. I went to her school with her as a child. I don't know how I knew the answer maybe my CNA class Junior High. My grandmother told me it was the 106-degree fever that killed off part of her brain. I explained to my grandma after almost 50 years of no one telling her what happened to her daughter. I explained it was the virus that caused the fever not the fever that did it. She sat crying. All this time and no one told her the truth. 

Faithfully/Journey

4. That I wanted 12 children when I was younger. I said bite your tongue, I felt like I barely survived, and they barely survived my 2 born daughters. I got pregnant by Greg 4 times. None planned. The first was Rose. For the longest time I saw a black cloud around this pregnancy. I couldn't see on this journey in the first 2 month's if it was a male or female. I was later reminded on this journey, that I made an agreement as a child like 5 or 6 years old. I said I will name my first daughter Rose, after my grandma Lily's perfume. I was having contractions at 4 months with Alex. I was told to go on full time bed rest. Greg laughed punched me in the arm and said U can do it. He did not acknowledge past that. 

Packing and hauling, Painting and decorating the nursery. No help from Greg. I made the crib set, with matching bumper pads and pillows. Helping Greg with the installation of the wood stove. Found a pedestal sink and a matching mirror on clearance, along with linoleum. I called Bob Greg's dad. A man who could fix and build anything. I didn't know if Greg knew anything about plumbing. They didn't put the mirror I bought back in. Bob thot Greg would do it. I had asked Greg for 3 weeks 2 put the mirror back in. I'd get a spike migraine from the smell. I have been getting shown all the time's Greg ignored me. It was all the time. He wouldn't do one thing I asked. I'd do all the investigating, pricing and quality on stuff. GO back and discuss with Greg. If someone else said something for example the brother printer. I expressed from the beginning a no. Adam liked his so Greg ignored and did just the opposite, every mother fucking time. This is what they've been showing me. Later years a medium told me not to ask him for anything. It gives him power. It's part of the curse. When he bought or did anything I requested he flat out ignored me for years. Truly this man would leave me for dead if there was no one around. I'm not even worthy to eat.They have been showing me my life with Zion and Greg and his mother. All the similarities. The control, the threats, the nit picking, judgement, River of Denial, Deflection and blame I ask what the perception of the Truth is coming from a class A narcissist, and sociopath, sadomasochism, misogynist perspective B on Truth My sister and I wondered how we married 2 men that were like our mother? My sister lived thru the same thing with the father of her children. Elaine has apologized 1 time. I wrote a 7-page letter to her B4 Kiley was born. Greg read it approved it. I wasn't putting up with the childish behavior. All because I asked if she could hold off for 3 weeks, so Greg could bond. Greg had to convince her in 2 coming to C their first-born grandchild. She never showed up 2 help at all. I pointed out the blame and the lies. That I am the only who has provided grandchildren, and this is the way U have treated me. She called after she read it and apologized. It was an empty apology bcuz she went right back to that childish behavior. I told her of all her gatherings I was right by their side, helping. I was the only one who cleaned the house and did laundry. I've discovered that they always ruined my day. Threats of abandonment, not allowed to show emotions yet they can misbehave ruining the birth of my children. My family's tradition's, being judged. Even buying easter dresses, I'm judged by the mentally ill, being judged' made to suffer and pay. All during childhood and after being punished and judged by Greg then Greg and Mary. Going over that first set up and I hadn't noticed 

All The Right Moves 1 Republic he set up the first time he had me meet with Mary. He said it was to discuss making her a partner and taking on investors in my business. That isn't what happened at all it was a spousal agreement that I had no rights to do anything, being on computer. In putting billing from files. Answer phone. A page and a half of telling me I can no longer do my job. I can only enter in 2 the front lobby. The day before my surgery he did this and the day of he was supposed to come home and feed me. Take me to the restroom. He didn't call or show. He came home all happy after 7 and said he went 2 lunch with Mary and it was her idea to make me a nice dinner. Like this is normal. The next day after my surgery Greg called wanting 2 know if I met with a lawyer about this contract signing my rights away? This man had no logic, no common sense. Dumb as a box of rocks. Later we all 3 met with my lawyer. He told them I'm not signing it and he has never seen anything like it. It was a 300-dollar bill, Greg said he's not paying it. It has nothing to do with the business. Remember the allowance I was given after years of doing the billing and managing the money. Greg had no logic with money or investments. I had to pay for grocery and gas. Whatever bill I had for going back to work, I was made responsible, we weren't even separated. He couldn't respect to live in the back. After a couple weeks he took it upon himself to come back to my bed. All 4 of my dogs attacked him, then later that night I was attacked by Greg pinning me down, dry humping me and rubbing his face in my neck and shoulders. Nope there was no Truth or justice. There wasn't a justice system at all. An unwarranted restraining order. He just screamed at me that I let my children get out of line. In my lobby, well it used to be. It was a children's class. The kids did that once or twice a class. Another set up. the 3rd time they tried. I'm told I have to watch my tone. I can't inflict my voice even with frustration. I was following behind him, What I said quietly and firmly was don't you turn your back on me. He opened the door to the other lobby. For blackmail I was told by these 2 that I would be made to pay for half of his school loans. I paid already.

With Kiley, I almost miscarried her at 2 months. I was working at this time and had to quit. I was writhing with lower back pain all night long. Greg did not acknowledge or would he take the day off work to help me. Then the fourth pregnancy by Greg. I didn't need a pregnancy test on my 2 to 4th pregnancy. It was the dizzying black cloud. I recognized the feeling from my first pregnancy. All I could do was sleep deeply. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This 4th pregnancy was Kiley's Irish twin. What upset me when I miscarried this one. Turned out 2 B my brother. The name Elijah Todd. The 5th by another man I had no idea. Her name Jimmie Jane another nick name JJ. I wanted a girl JJ.

Remember When/AJ

 I was highly stressed I didn't know how I was going to do 3 children with an absentee husband. Whom didn't stick to any agreement? The agreement to stop all this having to get out of town. To stop the party. He didn't slow down. It was all about Greg. He did what he wanted when he wanted, and it was up to me to pack load and haul for these road trips. Prepping and cooking meals, and shopping for these road trips. Plus, I was his designated driver. In California, during my pregnancies and after. Greg was my designated driver one time in California. Yes, nothing happened when we met Gwen and Kenny in San Fran at Again nothing happened, nothing. In the car all I said was I miss my friend. He say's oh here U go again. U over did it once again. He brings up 3 and a half years earlier when I visited Greg at school. I had been here many times because I had friends at Western from my school years. He was going to study after we had dinner. I wasn't very experienced with alcohol. I had 2 glasses of red wine at dinner along with him. Then I had like 2 to 3 shots of tequila. Let's just say so I didn't feel well. I never got emotional. This night for 2 hours I was just a hole to him flip flopping me around.

Crazy/Aerosmith  

That I was on my own. Just so happens Gwen was also there. He kept bringing this up over the years. I don't know what he was so upset about, he fucked me for 2 hours like he did at least the last couple of years in our marriage. Flip Flopping me around like a rag doll kitty cat. No regard for me or if I'm getting pleasure. He didn't touch me at all during. I was just a hole not a human being. I got up in the middle and turned on the light wondering what is going on? I thot it was my mixture of alcohol and being sick. I was blaming myself.  Take note from day one our first date Greg drank every day. When I first met his mother and father, martinis after work. Elaine didn't even have her coat off. 

Don't Stop Believing/J

Later at the end of our marriage I realized he was punishing me. That is what this man did after we bought that fucking biggest fixer upper ever. He punished me. Would just stop for example mowing the lawn. He just stopped. My sleep clinic doctor told me I needed to hire help. Greg wouldn't let me. He found out I gave my neighbor boy a lawn mowing job for the summer. Like 10 bucks a week. He races home b4 Cody got there and start's mowing the lawn. Then he walks in the slider and asked why I couldn't mow the lawn? That's what he would do passively aggressively drop his job, his only consistent job in our house. He'd just stop. This is the summer he came in and took the books to get caught up working from home with my girls. I had been trying since winter to get him to hire a bookkeeper. He refused. He didn't want to pay for one. Why would he, he had his Jack Ass of all trades, Jack Ass of a wife to do his bidding.

Fire and Ice/PB

I named Kiley's Irish twin, Elijah Todd. My mother who is racist. A closet racist. She said that's a black name. I said no it's a peaceful name. My brother deserves to have a peaceful name. Yes, when I named him not knowing it was really a boy and my brother, or Father Jesus Christ? However, when I named this one, I pictured an older black man in overalls sitting on his front porch, strumming his guitar on his farm. At peace, serenity. Later on this journey on the history channel. I discovered that God had a prophet that didn't die, God just took him home. His name Elijah.

Life In the Fast Lane/Eagles

On my fifth pregnancy by Jim, it is the first time ever I didn't know I was pregnant in the first 3veeeks maximum. I didn't find out until 12 to 12 and a half weeks. No sign's once so ever. Her name is Jimmie Jane. My sister's name is Kimmie. Jim's real name James. I had a JJ in my family and names carry on in my family. I wanted my own JJ. MY own bird, My own blue Jay. I aborted her with no drugs at 12 and a half weeks. As I was walking out the door the nurse stop's me, she said that was the most incredible thing she had ever seen.

U probably wonder about my two abortion's I had a conversation with both. I told God on the first. I'm not ready, emotionally or financially. I gave them both back. With Jimmie Jane I was not raising another kid when I have 2 more to feed and care for. I wasn't having a baby with Jim. He was a compulsive liar. He acted like my life and my children's didn't matter. He was an alcoholic, financially, physically and emotionally abusive. He literally lived off me for a year and paid for nothing. More broken agreements. All these lies and broken promises. Iwas not bringing her into this world with a father like him. Him and his daughter Haley was like living with the grifters. Stealing from me, destroying my stuff and no follow thru on any agreement. I heard after I made this agreement that Jim and Mary Cochran Stone are not God's. No it wasn't about revenge. I had not thot of these two yet when they said it right at the beginning of this journey. Jim and Mary R not one of God's.

Holding Out 4 A Hero/BT Secret Dreams and Forbidden Fire

Thot's Lately

I don't want to lose these thoughts so I'm just going to document them real quick they've been going over similarities of my life with my mother to the s*** that I jumped into Marrying Greg the similarities you know the games with my life running me ragged my mother I went through four cars by the time I got to this car and then she's constantly calling me threatening me that she's going to take this car she's going to you know like she has rights just always threatening me and just they're going through the similarities and then I marry a guy who actually takes the car and then who actually takes everything the rest of what I have and they're like just and I'm just fuming right now just going through this number two new paragraph

The other thing is how neither one of them could let me go both of them had to make me pay in some way and they're showing me not only how Zion Mary would make me pay but I was aware of her and her games it was how Greg made me pay every day in our marriage just for the basics just for heat just for groceries and you know demanding more and more and more and not getting credit for anything how he would just hang over me even at the end of my pregnancy telling me I have to finish painting this armor and he's standing over me telling me you have to open the store what a horrible mom you know how dare you not think of your baby and I'm like how dare you not think of the mother like he can't throw on a coat of paint and then I asked him to put the doors on and he can't even bother to put him on straight but he's standing over me and this was like the rest of my marriage you know I'm doing these projects and he's standing over me telling me I have to finish them and I'm not even getting credit for what I had to put into in the leg work for this office and you know anything that I asked for in my marriage anything no matter what it was can I we have our jasmine rice no can I plant you know large peapods in the garden no you know and he's just you're wasting money with a bag of lettuce but I want to sell it every night like I'm going to drive into Issaquah you know to go get six heads of romaine to save money and it was just asinine the nitpicking and but he couldn't start a job he didn't know how to start a job I had to learn how to you know do the sheetrock and the mudding and the taping which together was showing me I had to learn how to put in a yard and take out the boulders this guy wanted to save money and he wouldn't pay for lawn service to come and pick up the recycling for the lawn so I had to break it up and take it up to the dump he wouldn't pay for recycling so I had to take it up and the guy would just leave garbage f****** everywhere in my yard but you would nip it to f*** out of me in my home he didn't have heat issues food issues how clean my house is where I got my haircut then I worked out at the gym he had no f****** issues with anything that I did but once we got to this house he has issues with f****** everything and before we even opened this office I remember that's when my keys kept disappearing and I had four sets of keys and I found them all in his bag his empty bag was one t-shirt with unmailed bills and it's like f*** just when God said sabotage he wasn't f****** kidding this guy did everything he could do to make it hard and I literally got garbage and I was treated like garbage f*** just they're just going over this with me how much that my mom and Greg took for granted just constantly threatening me threatening me telling me how to be and there's sociopathic f****** games just to have control over something that never needed control but you big brother did not let me defend myself in order for me in my word to ever be truth again talk about destruction of character my clients and my office anybody knew that was hired

So I'm only just walking this last couple days trying to do everything I can do to keep my body going to do this video I mean I at least have to be able to stand without the dizziness and falling over and I don't want to hold on to my chest and I finally got through the shaky legs and room and the dizziness but the dizziness got worse and so I'm and I was still weak and I had to hold the walls and furniture to get into the bathroom I hate being like this cuz I'm afraid I'm going to fall in that bathroom and I did fall again it bruises all on my back because I fell between the toilet trying to sit on it but I missed and so yeah this this sucks nobody knows what I have speaking of I got to make an appointment thanks for the reminder bye

A New Discovery On My Prayers

I'm not sure if it's in a past post, like one of the last 3 maybe. They keep taking me back 2 show me more. Deeply, higher to the Truth. 

I wrote about this journal maybe. I realized they put me in another position of emotions To get t the prayer out of me. 

8 begged for Greg's life his soul for the sake of my children. The night under the full moon on the red rock. They said he goes down in a plane in 4 years. Actually it was we. 

It was the God Damned same mother flocking prayer I said 4 Greg. I was running down a deserted road screaming no. No

 No. They already lost their mother, don't make them lose their father too. This was the night * slept on the ground in the gold field. I said I don't care about the rats and snakes. 

Some of U 9n my path I've been tempted 2 send 2 hell, but I can't. Not when I look at the laws and the abuse of power.

 I'm tak8ng it all back. None of U will get my power. 

Friday The 13th

I am pissed again. It seem's In 2 to 3 day's I lost a week plus. ON tueasday I knew the date. It dawned on me Friday the 13th. I was so mad on Friday the `13th Mother's Day when I stuck the flag in the ground, I wanted itto end not be a sign. My feet were killing me I could barely walk. Especially hard wood floors or cement. In 2 day's time from tuesday to Thursday, I thot Thursday was Friday and I thot it was next wek for Friday the 13th. I'm telling myself yes. I can do this. I can get this done. Friday the thirteenth is one week from today. It was Thursday and Friday the 13th was the next day. I was thinking at the time to post this on Michael's birthday the 17th of August on a Tuesaday. Still thinking over a week away. All because I get on this post. connect to the clouds I lose track.

Papa Loves Mama.GB

Everything sunk in last night after I got on the calendar. The messages I sent Michael the day b4, about his birthday asking question's about payday and paying to eat out for his birthday. No wonder Michael was confused. I don't know if it's the movies and my family reunions about the fourth of July and the apocoplyse? Even though I'm a smart ass singing and dancing in Joy and Faith, I lack Faith when I have no idea when U want me to do this? Will I even be able to move B4 this, let alone lift anything of my body without painmeds? Pain meds and sumthing like a real muscle relaxer might help to get me thru. I know what will rellay get me thru is U. Only U well and my many many guides have the power to move me. TO speak thru me. When? When? When? It has been such a long haul in so many way's. It's not overly stressing me. Yet it is so in the back of my mind everyday, the one U want 2B, is he still alive? 

All I ever wanted CW

I really really hate U right now.

The Curse Of The Pig

That's My Story/CR

Still connecting. I keep going back to the pig. The first time it came up in my life? When I stopped eating ham? What the trigger was? What family I was with when I started eating ham again? Who served me ham the day I was handed a 2 page document saying I can't enter anywhere or do anything in my office except be a patient in the waiting area. When I had legal custody of my father, he's in a nursing home. His 3rd home in 3 years. During this time of all times, I'm in the middle of another big project, taking out a wall in my house. My father, my children, Greg's family, still not knowing it is I whom came dead last in everything.Not that Greg's parents would care. 

I had no choice but 2 open a Chiropractor office. Greg's income went from 5 thousand bucks a month, it slowly dwindled down to 1500 bucks. 

If I didn't beat feet we'd lose everything. Especially that piece of shit house. I had a plan in 2 day's. I get a call from him telling me I have 2 do my part on the office physically. With my own 2 hand's. This is what I mean by no credit. I was in there the night of my father's funeral doing my part. He didn't C the game plan. The legwork going in2 it. The going in2 Issaquah Lowe's and Je Depot pricing and picking up everything I need 2 begin with. Drawing up plans. Dealing with the city. Dealing with signage. U let Mary and Greg after all this my part bullshite. Running again 2 Issaquah whenever they needed more of sumthing. It's par for the course for me 2 drop what I'm doing 2 pack up my kid's and run last minute errands 4 him. Did he one time help me when I asked 4 or needed help? Nope. I let these 2 blackmail me by getting billed 50 percent of his school loans if I said anything about what they did. 

Knowing what I know now from then, I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Where was your so called blanket justified system? Flock U don't U ever tell me what to be thankful 4. Jaded is right. I said to Kevin when he called me that and explained what it meant. That I don't believe in love. I'm saying in my head, "well if the shoe fit's." I don't believe in love? I don't believe in a happy ending?

Living Blind/CB

Blind Justice, in a system that we have no justice. River of denial not just upstairs. Everywhere. Righteousness. U know what is missing on Justice's statue? A blind fold. I keep feeling like I discovered something huge yesterday morning? I did. Trying to reah it again. I do know what I have connected in my life. Those pigs. Who R the pig's anyway's? Is it the cop's? R they the pig's that Jesus put the demon's in the pig's?

Big Green Tractor/JA

Yup just one way. I mean we have our very sick white meat the chicken's whom R sick before they get to the slaughter. They serve us up. They can't keep up. SO we R served this poison. Then pork become's my new white meat. Who own's the pork industry. Corporate America. They get a write off serving us this shite. What do we get? What do they get? We get put in a black box any way they can. They poisoned the host any way they can to feed an industry. U passed law's Big Brother to support this. I hate U I hate I hate U. 

Her Man/Ga

 mother flocking tax machine. One thing I remembered was the pig. When my father first expalined why they called him Pij. Wgen I was kittle I asked my father why does everyone call him Pij? My father explained that he was only 2. He wasn't happy about having a little brother. He was it and he liked it that way. He explained. I was trying to say pig., it came out pij. The name stuck for the rest of Richard's life. A teacher in CAlifornia whom married a Penny the copper penny. Another teacher.

Modern Day Bonnie And Clyde/TT

The next time pig's and ham came up. Gwen's mother Sue Noon. The new CHristian. Christian Crazy for JEsus CHrist. Wait till she find's out JC was sitting at her table all those yars. She chose Mr. 666. Not the daughter. The little gorl that she saw no crazy or mental illness anytime ever. Gwen myself and Sue visited a nursing home with Gwen's dog named Peppy. Gwen had to bathe and trim Peppy B4 we went. A woman in a wheelchair and no nose just 2 hole's in her face, like a pig. She is scooching her feet in her wheel chair moving closer to me and gwen arm's out stretched. The number four keep's coming up here. I kept thinkink this happened in fourth grade, but I know we didn't start hanging out until the fifth grade. That night at dinner Sue served mushy ham. Not falling apart at the bone. If this ham had a bone I had no idea. I got a lash of that woman with a pig nose, I didn't eat ham again.

Red Rock Road/B And D

I didn't eat ham until Greg's mother's ham. I didn't eat bacon for many year's after I learned from an hrbologist the worm's that to much pork leaves in your intestines. The next time I had ham was Mary Cochran Stone. The day B4 my surgery that was planned month's B4. He call's me telling me I have to meat with Mary Stone. We had had a argument just B4. I thot Greg hired someone to catch up the basic book's. I had been asking him since that winter to hire help. He didn't want to pay out. I was slammed. Slammed. It's sumwheree in here where the firsttime in our whole marriage afterall this bullshit hearing I have to do my part. DO my part hand's doing sumthing in that office. I have to do my part on my part that while he's earning 1500 enuf for our mortgage. I'm running and gunning with 2 lil girls in tow pricing finding space and dealing with the city. The floor plan. All that we needed in this office. I priced everything down tothe penny.

Bless This BRoken Road

WHen that man showed up at my door telling me he's having an affair. He could of killed us if he'd been mental. The mental one was my husband whom truly ignored me during this. He didn't acknowledge anything about his wife after all these years. Now she has two daughter's/ All this time? All these year's is about to be gone in one clean swoop. I hate this man. I hate this man. I hate this man.The only ham I ate B4 this was my grandmother Lilies. I stopped as a child then it was this black cloud family.

Kerosene/CL

In Hawaii, when Gwen and I went. It must of been about or it was 16. I've been to remember ezaclty when I lost my virginty. It was Easter Weekend, must of been 1984. I made Kevin wait 6 months. I was fifteen the summer we met. I don't know then what came first my birthday or Easter? When Gwen and myself were in Hawaii this is where I first heard about boar's. This is also the 3rd and 4th place I almost drowned. The fourth, honeymoon. The toilet bowl. One of the five views from round top park. I didn't know then what I now have learned that at any serious situation when it came down to me or mine, my children. All he did was place his hand on my shoulder and laugh. Serious anddeadly the same reaction forthe rest of my life. Then after he'd finish with me, 2 hours of him treating me like I'm inhuman and I don't exist in bed. I am now just an unfeeling hole. Afterhe'd finish flip flopping me aroung like a rag doll kitty cat in bed, I'd turn over and that is when I'd C 2 human being's with boar's head's manking bacon. Sumtime's my tear's ran quietly. Sumtimes just inside.

Love Story/TS

U know what God. I don't care who the flying flock U R. I don't feel love still. Just pain. Aside from begging for Greg's, Michael's and then Kyles soul. I don't feel an overwhelming love from U. Regardless of my survival so far, feeling what it is like feeling my unborn children, and others whom have vrossed on. U drop to your knees hand in the air U can't help it. It just is. I don't feel that/ Just because your here now and I discover back then. Later like an awakening. U all have doled out your own justice each in your own way upon me. U have been there all along. Okay so you've been there all along. YOu've been inside all along. Why don't I feel love from U other than U have my heart. U R ready at the helm? I have faith. I feel protected, but love I don't feel.

Love sumbody like U/KU