The last

The last thing I had to do was get the record video 2 start. I'm soaked. Sweating, missing again 2 item's. 2 hats, just before my cross necklace with the keys and ring. I've got the cape on ready to go. Balanced in pain, euphoria, and emotion, ready to dance. 

I'm the last voice. I'm the last show. I feel like I'm letting everyone up and downstairs down. How 2 B a queen U ask. I'm starting at the end of everything in existence today. Being scary, the message, judgement? That's the least I'm worried after. Rape, murder, stealing not to eat, wash, cloth, get what U can carry. Don't hoard. Take what U need for now. Until a more permanent roof for U and your's. Close to get to town. Share, colonize, perhaps barter. 

It's Christmas I'm out of everything. Pain med's, weed, even very little food until the second. My left leg I now know is a cardiologist. They need to run a something down my left leg, up 2 heart. An ANA test is cardio, not neurological. Not Lupus, not arthritis. It is all but out of all of it, it's potential stroke and heart attack. 9nce again cock blocked to standing, dancing, speaking. No voice, no peace inside. No truth on why it's the end so as not to repeat what doesn't work. 

Love is the answer. Cockblocking evolution is not love. To make U question even your own truth? Truth doesn't set u free any more. U put a high price on Truth. Not tangible, U cannot C, I don't exist. The invisible man. 

Golden Gate

Bullet train is playing in the background. Thinking about the picture and Holocaust. The word that sorry corrected was holiday. That's just one of the questions about dates. It doesn't matter any more, picking a date? That hasn't seemed to work out in the past. Just more stress to add to my birthday I agreed to carry for my family tree. Flock me. 

I have no fucking is how I haven't lost it long ago. I don't care about the crazy. You've got me in costumes and hats in my mind speaking, practicing. It's never the same and I never stay on track. I get taken off course in a heart beat. Of in the other direction I go. It's not funny but I got a flask of me ass a dog. A short span of attention. SQUIRREL 🐿️ off I go. 

Physically. I am so 0hysically challenged everyday, everyday. 

I been dealing but not speaking about my back so much. As speak up ng that includes writing it sum where. Gotta document everything. The 8nsane thing is just how much I haven't chosen. Not ever. That's been a hard one. To discover literally not in control of any of it. I haven't taken the physical part so personal, I'm speaking of the resentment of pain past and present. I mean not even a color. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

It's that everything has been chosen all along. I don't feel controlled as much as I feel stolen from. On this journey step by step I've been shown from the start my mother Zion sitting me down to hand over my coat, or anything I cherished so she can steal my by item's and my time. Then being shown how people just expect me to hand thing's over or back after it's been given to me. I'm not allowed to have any reaction. Then in the end my own mother 2 diamond rings. Just to hand over to my sister. For attention. Then I'm abandoned and blamed, even in places it should be a non issue a divorce and my children's school. My friend's. Most of all the set up, the discovery of the bleedingheart's and the Scarlett Letter A, A liar, minimizer, and blamed. 

I was none. I wanted to escape, learn more about myself, have sum space and peace. Help to figure it out. I should of walked out, from that meeting I had with the manager of this place. More, blame, and shame being told what I should be thankful for. What was 21 days compared to 12 year's of misery and hell. Being shown everything I put up in this marriage. I was so invisible. I did not count. All he saw was a money tree. I paid with my life and my children's so he could become rich sum day. Money really is the root of all evil. U can't put a price on love. That's not love it's possession.

Then my mind and the bridge. I should of been able to cross that bridge and love from afar. No one would ever let me cross. This is my life my cross and my choice. Nobody knows what's best for me but me. I don't matter so much, that no one bothered to ask, ask about me. My well being. My heart.

The Golden Gate bridge. I said to Wes you've sent one bridge you've seen them all. Now a bridge of a🌈 would be spectacular to my eyes. Finally, home sweet home. 

My ring, he stole, I had no rights to speak of all he stole. How much, I really paid. I paid with my ❤️. 

I want so bad to chew ass God, it's the last voice sum will hear B4 they go home. The voice is inside them. Perhaps I should just call U the voice. 

STOP

 Not today

get the fuck out of my way

my cat's

Hell Cat's

Willow up A tree

Tiger Lily not far behind

Dumb cat goes out for more

this fucking Hell Cat

Not today. Trying not to react,

Oh cum on

The Holocaust why I saw that 

the big mushrooms

poof were gone

in a flash

Big bang

I'm just a theory 

A myth, I guess U have nothing 2 fear.

Fear that's a weapon

Fear, how could U.

What's the point?

All these emotion's?

I hate U.

I hate Hate HATE!

I'm the Holocaust.

Oh cum on,

the JEWS?

The ovens

this is hell?

Please Please Please

OH MY MOTHER FUCKING GOD
THE END
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 
PLEASE STOP
I HATE U

I HATE U 4 ALL OF IT.

PUT MY BURDENS

MY PRAYER?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO SCREAM

WHAT'S THE POINT

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP.

IM THE SIGN IAM THERE 4 IAM THE END OF THE LINE

I HATE U I HATE U IHATE U FOR THIS

ADVERSITY AND GREG

THAT MARRIAGE OF PURGATORY AND HELL

TALK ABOUT SLAVERY AND CHAINS. I HATE HIM. I WANT HIM DEAD. GET RID OF HIM. TAKE HIM AWAY. MY CHILDREN? MERCY ME OH MY. I HATE HIM FOR THIS MARRIAGE. THIS MARRIAGE. BEING CHAINED IN A MARRIAGE. RELIGION AND MARRIAGE? THE EXCUSE OF GOD AND THE EXCUSE OF GOD ABUSE SLAVERY AND MARRIAGE. HE LOCKED ME IN. HE LOCKED ME IN A BOX.  I HATE HIM. I DONT CARE. THE HOLOCAUST? WHAT'S THE POINT IN SHOWING THIS? ITS ALL GOING TO HELL GOD IN A HAND BASKET.

NONE OF IT MATTERS GOD. DON'T SHOW ME THAT

PLEASE PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO C THAT GOD.

THE 4 HORSEMEN

THE HOLOCAUST?

BOOM THE END?

THAT'S IT?

HOLOCAUST

The Holocaust that's a different perception why death why death has come back around asking do I fear death die do I walk in the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil thy rod the staff why put me through all these different hats none of it matters none of it makes a difference this is the end of the line I am the siren I am the 911 we are here we stand for love all the black hearts all the black sheep this is who we are this is how we came to be here all this judgment guilt hate shame righteousness do not ever use God as a good excuse for your bad behavior for your lack of faith judging others we have no equality we have no respect they'd love this system this heartless system and this mother f****** fallen Angel the goat the goat sitting in the sewers disguised as a joker the fool you ain't making a fool of me you fell fell piece of s*** hate that's your glory that's your passion your little entity you sit in my sewers you sit on that lot you are slavery you are the cause of all this slavery you are the reason I walked through all this slavery you stole my dignity my family my pride my love you poisoned my seed my truth blame blame blame create all this shame for love we are here for love the cock blockers of mother f****** evolution sitting right here I am the mountain I am the diamond Mount Hood those four I represent those four I stand for Love race color pride family Peace Hope Joy serenity. 

The C word

Compromise. I hate that word not everything is a compromise. I compromised myself 2 death just to get past it. Middle ground on literally nothing on nothing.

Yes, the no balance, no balance in anything. Contract's another bad word. Our document's that literally sat U cannot cancel. I had no choice at that time it was taking over. More work. Fucking new passcode over and 9ber. Fuck me. U R literally told by sumthing profiting from U, stop it. Yes, U can't compromise on my part when U just keep cuming in and taking and taking, and making the rules like emotions, stop with the emotions bullshite my power, the elements the white buffalo, Lakota, druid. Native got it. 

Get it done. We begin anew. I keep breaking it down more and I slice it I do ice it I rythym I Rhyme, my sing song. Druid Queen, Ellis, my mother once again she hovers, she laughs her wicked laugh. Malevolent isn't a mother's trait when protecting or is it. The Lion, the butterfly. Knives knives knives he stabbed me in the back any chance he got. No back up no response, a punch like Zion, U can do it. Not one time. Not 1 time

 No balance no balance this Hell Cat. Another Trident, how do I 2ant it up the ass in the eye? Persidon. Willow B. Is inside of me. 

I was so invisible. It really never mattered 2 live 2 die he did not care. As long as no one 3lse is around. He'd leave me. Having life insurance back then, he sold me for 12, 000., What would double that even would of liked me for. Money and reputation. Drink, laughter cheers, who'd endure this? At what cost.? The 666 way?

It just dawned on me how close? How many times? He left me over a river up a tree, like a monkey that's no fun no more. 

How many ID with the big eye black hearts have I walked thru. 

Stop cum on, move on a lil faster. Scribe scribe scribe. 

OMGOD, I can print from phone. 

`

Here It GOes Again by OK GO

Knocking on death's door. I wrote something about death by death I recon. 

Alien Ant Farm/ Smooth Criminal

U have no idea, the ant's that came around. Piss Ant another name by Zion. My first experience with an ant farm. Oregon. It all goeas back to the heart. All the way to Sunnyvale, the trail of ant's. Counting 9 ant mound's every morning. Then all the ant's around me and Gary. Huge mounds. The guy that came back to our site with an ant skull. Well it looked like. That's what Gary said. I said those ghost eye's have no light in them. The ant's I was working at. I took everything I had gathered that day and put in my pocket. Not knowing why? I adventually find out. 

I placed everything around 2 cables that met in the middle. I started moving my hand's. Laughing. Not really knowing why? I just go along for the ride. There were thousand's of ant's. Just thousand's. Huge ones not fire ant's. This was also the first time, I started to take notice that where ever I stop and dance at, chant. stomp, sing cry. What an emotional roller rife this has been. 

U2 Vertigo

No getting off this ride. The next day I went back and hardly any ant's. Oh yes, behind me a sewrer grate. Stephen King is not wrong. Gary the other seer, mostly when high. He to does whatever they ask and they provide. He said he had a cousin named Stephen King. Castle Rock, and standing at the window was a shadow of a black wolf. My cousin Shelly saw A man, A Hell's Angel. I said they ride with wing's on thir back. They turned a new leaf. Castle Rock my aunt's Rose garden. Finally had one. My neighbor with a cross year round, white at that. Tore my garden apart. Paying for the dog's. Why JC told me why I alway's wanted a dog farm? Becuase it's my farm. I had to grab the wall, I stood there and bawled. Of course conversation took place in the bathroom as I was standing at the sink. Jesus Christ just outside the door.

Beastie Boy's is on. Of course, no sleep for minimum 48 hours we go dark. No one in no one out of this Washington. Accept family, break bread U R family.

Otherside/Red HOt CHili Pepper's

I've been wondering why I'm still on this. I have everything I need to take the rock back, GOd's flock and energy. CAn't C that. Yet they never saw me either except to throw the book at. Getting me close to death's door, had to of gotten me close in order for me  to spend 5 day's in THe Valley Shadow of Death. Just learned who the invisible man was at the end of my bed. First not sure, Then I learned recently JC. They have gotten me close to death's door once more. I mean physically. DOesn't get any bigger than the Big C. This is the end of the line. I have to do this while I can even speak. Of all place's my jaw, and mouth. I tried getting it checked out or a couple of years.

Ben Holds 5, Brick

This Scarlet Letter A and the Big C. WHich A U ask. The Angel or the Atom Bomb. Am I going to stand against an Atom bomb. It's not about sacrifice for me, so we have a planet for my children to eat from. The other Mary. Mother Earth. 

Don't Speak. No Doubt

Hearing that all my life. 

I've realized once more, they own me. They use me. Slavery comes to mind. All my god damned life. Being judged, never spoken. When I try, the compassion goes to someone else. More of how I need to change myself to make life easier on other's.

Being raised by a mental ill woman is slavery. Walking on egg shell's. Here comes another explosion. I've been thinking what else do I need to know? COme on let's get it done. Then Mother Fuck. Technology once again. Won't print my blog. Over 4000 pictures to print still. Right now physically I'm good to do this. Not dance, I re upped my med's I want it done. I have to be in the right frame of mind. Ih ave to be to write from whomever's heart. I know now, when it's not me. The emotion's

Mother Love Bone/ Stardog cChampion

Yes I get it the clue the title. The Alpha, the Omega. Nope! I'm Sirius

I love to say that. Starting to like metaphore's after all. My mind's been going back to a few thing's from the brgginning. The local policeman, the number 7 his son. I saw and heard a black shadow standing on the otherside of the door. Then I heard He's here for the son. He's standing at the door. Now it's grown to the planet. I said to Greg in the parking lot on that lot, nothing grow's without love and light. My right hand in the air dancing. Tolerance, the higher I go the more I write until sometime's fall asleep. The elphant on my father's chest. This tabacco and in the start it was Yule Brenner, cancer. His message. Then Anna, in the King And I. I thot the cancer part Kyle took that on for his planet, his children to eat. His agrrement his sacrifice.

Counting Blue Cars/Dishwallar

Kryptonite/ JJ

Do I fear death? Why am I asking myself this one? Well I was thinking of the seal's? Is this just another seal broken? 7 years. Would I make the same deal today? In a heart beat. Live or die? Does it even matter anymore? That depression from the deprosors managing all of our pain? They turn a blind eye to pain? This insurance is just a machine. Just a machine of number's. It's controlling all of the pain. Pain? Mercy me and Pain? All while trying to survive. FInancially Michael and I are done. Physically done. It's been snowing and it was the SHekina that stood in the snow. Later I asked is it Ash. Feeling a war. The Ash?

Believe Staind

A mountain and another pun Mt. Hood. Lil Red Riding Hood. It started with the Lakota and Dancing with wolves. I have nothing left up my sleeve. I don't know what they are going to put me thru, U and FAith. Who is FAith's Twin FLame? Michael. Then Michael with ISIS stopping or making sure Jack Parson's doesn't go thru it.

When I'm GOne/3 Door's Down.

Purgatory. Survive, no hope, but hey don't worry the state will certify us for some customer service job. Up front or in the back. Your all indigent. Your alls slaves. They poisoned love. What a fucked up concept that humanity has on Love. U blocked evolution. Backwards or forward. Take your Schizophrenia and Bi Polar for praying and shove it up my Lily white ass. They'r ain't no Freedom

Half way Gone/Lifehouse. SO trueNo Freedom anywhere up in this house. I want these people gone right now. I don't give a flying flock. Alien, the fallen angel and some very very old witch craft. Adam and Eve. U posoned love and equality with Morals in my court. Freely given freely taken. String's so many string's of control right here. I'm so pissed. Immoral a Sin for Love. Equality and more children have food and homes. Science? The creation of your own making

 cum judgement day. U raped evrything and put a high price on it with all this distension. Oh the serpent or FAllen Angel, The Goat. The real Satan. Oh yeah the Alien and the Goat sitting on boulder's Friday the 13 th Mothers Day. 

My Sacrifice/ Creed

Trinity, so many. I don't know how to take this one now? Death is standing at the sun's door all because I carry Jesus CHrist inside me. Fuck fingers are tingling. Death is standing, literally standing at balance. The Yin, The Yang. Just here to balance the scales. That mean's real Death is standing at my sister's door. Same DNA. If they do this. U will literally kill off the last hope we ever have.

If Everyone Cared/Nickle Back

Amen I. Amen I. Amen I'm alive. Just where this will ever B. My nieces. At least liking my number's in this family Pride. I'm so mad at God for this. You have no idea. Don't ever tell me what to B thankful for. Just one more. Just one more. The Other Joker, the other fool. 

Home/Daughtry

Flock me. I'm mad again. I realized like 1 to 2 night's ago, writing about Death. Are we ready for Eternal life, universally so? I mean U don't need a machine to do this. No I don't know when or who on every detail of a person's life. I only get answer's when they give them. 

I said to Mike the other day, maybe yesterday, now I know who the guy was with the gun, that was laughing hysterically, where he decend's from at least. I was thinking today I could C my brother sitting in that pose just B4 my step dad beat him with a belt. A kid he'd never met. Fuck me. U know feleony and law's? A cell he should never of been in the first place. The Chamber's my whole flocking life, this is not the answer I expected. Well actually the fourth horsemen. Death.

It's Not My Time/ 3 Doors DOwn/American Standard 1995 and Friday the 13th and the 3:16.

7 Mary 3. Cumbersome

Simple Plan/Perfect

I'm torn, my b;ack shadow buried me 6 feet under. Buried me under all this pain. I looked at the black shadow and I didn't say my mantra, ICU. No it was it's U. How much more proof of life do I need? U fuck head's, I'm not the only bait. Hell's kitchen. Hell on earth/ depemds on the perspective I recon' He promised me 1995. Heaven On Earth. What the heaven's really entail? Little Miss Can't Be Wrong/Spin Doctors Pocket Full Of Kryptonite. 

His eye's and the 3rd bedrrom scene. That I realized I had two in longeray. Longerray of white, Longerray of light. My side's pulled up. Both times it was the gloves and my atire that pulled me out of my revory. It was number 3. My hair was about how it was from the start. Past shoulder's, wild curls. sitting on his chest. A sheet around me. My hair made me think, I must of dreamed this back then and theyre just now showing me.

I was bending over Him, my fingers around each eye, I said, I want 2C what UC. Later those word's sunk in. Death. I'm not sure if this is when I called Mike and asked whose death. He siad one of the 4 horsemen. Took 5 chapters to figure out I've been wrting their names all along. I wasn't so concerned then, but my reaction. The biggest, loudest, logest emotion. I sat on my knee's crying and screaming. Not wailing. One scream after another. Not my Death. Nobody want's to C Death. Not afraid today of the Horsemen or the black shadow. 

Please, please please, How much more? The promised land, and step 12. The last step to the light. 12 Fruit's Of The Tree.

Smashing Pumpkin's Bullet With Butterfly Wings

t know

Timeline Of Symptoms

I'm going to go back to when my pain was out of control. I rarely served I switched to being a Hostess most of the time. I got my Chiropractor to order a full x-ray instead of doctors and insurances piece mealing me, Patronizing me. (he did not charge me and I didn't want to take him for granted) I wanted an answer a diagnosis. I have put up with two knives between my shoulder blades that had developed knot's all across back under and over shoulder blades. My sister and I already had chronic migraines, inherited from both sides. this was 3/2015

After that we both got in a car accident. I got whiplash on the left, my sister the right. My X stopped at the bottom of a ice hill knowing a car was coming up behind. He rear ended us. My C5 was slipped to the left, my sister in the opposite direction. We both lost our lives. our marriages, our homes then our livelihood. I have hit the pavement 3 times with neurologist and muscular specialist. In the beginning of February 2015 my Chiropractor ordered my X ray. My goal was that he could at least tell me. Give me a direction. I have been slowly declining. 

I took it up to the hospital to at least get a diagnosis. 

I hiked, danced, meditated, and prayed with a back pack on. I called it walking through the pain for 15 months. Daily for the first two months my walks were 10 to 15 miles. I slept great and for some reason no fear. 

In 2016 October and all that spring and summer 2016. total weakness. deep fatigue. Had stomach and intestine infection for a year and a half. In 2017, I walked 3 miles, ran sometimes, a mixture of yoga, tai chi, ballet and physical therapy to get hip sockets loose and back of legs. Physical therapy fucked me up. flared everything. The pain in back left leg and knots I rolled out an average of 4 times a day. trying to keep my leg moving then moved same thing into right. In October 2016 my hands and arms no longer worked.

I have had a number of appointments no one found anything. Been sent to physical therapy 11 times. I do it when I can now. For to many years by 2018 Michael my boyfriend carries me to restroom if I can't crawl or schooch. I have sat in urine and shite for hours waiting for Michael to get home. Then more all over weakness, then paralysis hips and legs. Years on and off.

Now it's finally shown up, DICP and something else now. Michael has threatened me to live in a home or have me leave cuz he can't always care for me. He will be going to work soon. I need bladder surgery, haven't did because to busy with shoulder, neck and left arm. Then it moved into right arm. Chest pain, stroke symptoms I have it all. Profusely puking. Med's food water. 

Black Veil Brides/Scarlet Cross

 I just don't even no where to begin so much has happened in so little time. Yes I turned to a program with the state for housing. To find out if they have housing for someone like me. Just checking into it. I have a meeting with her this next Thursday. Tyler is going to take me so I can donate all this knew bathroom stuff for someone as disabled as myself. Plus the walker. I was honest. I told her why. Michael's behavior was off the chart's and getting more vindictive.

Simple Man/Shinedown

No I don't want to move. I have bigger fish to fry. I started out in 9th grade saying "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Murphy's law. Story of my life. SOmeone cock blocking me, making thing's hard. Standing in my way of love. Standing in my way of being a normal teen. Hell couldn't kiss a boy without high maintenance Heidi, boo hoo he doesn't like me. He kissed her. Crying loudly going down the hall. I can assure to you, just because you have a crush on him and he's nice to you doesn't mean he is crushing back on you. He is not a possesion, let alone your possesion. 

Loser/Beck

That was just the beginning of the relationship's in my life. I have been going back to the dream where it was ending with me walking through a warehouse and everyone in there were making and processing various kind's of flag's. Then at the very end I woke up at the bottom of a landfill and I had to crawl up and out of this hole. I remember thinking around here, another paws moment in my life, why is everything so hard. Why do people keep pulling the rug out from under me. Threatening me. I can't speak or defend myself at someone verbally assaulting me. Threatening me. Then as soon as I go to speak, I get physically assaulted.

First It Giveth/Queens Of The Stone Age

You know once you have that scarlett letter A. You are marked. It doesn't matter how much I turn and walk away no one let's me walk away. Not without making me pay. Like I call the cops. What do they see. That yes I've been drinking. I have said and done nothing towrd someone. Does that mean someone has the right to assault me. Does the punishment fit the crime? Your blanket justice system is done.

Ramblin Man/ABry

That is what happened with Michael a few month's back. I got into bed. Fell asleep on my right side as usual. I literally just fell asleep. I awake with Michael sitting on my chest pinning down my shoulders, His tempurpedic foam pillow on my face. Probably better that the feather or cotton pillow. I at the time didn't understand how I was able to turn my head at times, tucking my chin down to the very edge getting in someair and whispering please stop. I can no longer breath this way. So I'd turn my head in the other direction.

Feelin Alright/JC

It was the give of the temurpedic foam that made it so I could turn my head. He was pushing down and following my head. Yes, I call the cops after he released me. He get's dressed and walk's out the door during my phone call. The police assume I was drunk. Fully coherent. I am weak in the leg's, my balance (equilibrium is off) I'm standing wide legged, swaying back and forth. Because of the weakness of my leg muscles, my muscles are tired and strained from trying to stand, so this is where the shaky leg's happen's.

I KNow Your OUt There SOmewhere/MB

Just with this situation, right here and that scarlet letter. Peoples opinions during and after Greg the attitude is I must of done something to deserve this. She must of been out of control, she doesn't know what she's doing. She's a drunk. Mike said to the police I was hitting him. No I didn't have time to hit him. I could fell asleep on my right and turned to my left and maybe my hand swung around but no I was not hitting him. If I was he knew I was asleep. Since when does someone my size and his get's to turn to murder. I remember everything step by step sneaking into bed quietly, so as not to wake Michael. Yes, I'm weak and shaky. Why all the trying not to wake him with just the shaking alone.

Good Times Roll/Cars

Yes, I was honest with Min why. I have to answer the why's before I apply to even get housing. Is it the right program for me? Which mean's what hoop's do I have to jump through once again? How much more control and down grading do I have to go through once again? Every program with the State you have to be programed to fit in there box of rules. So Min couldn't get a hold of me on Thursday. I told her what I have noticed in Michael lately. This has never happened before in 11 years.

Green River/CCR

I knew I was meeting with her next Thursday to find out more. She couldn't reach me to speak about what I had noticed lately, and she turn's me in to the State for another judge to make a devision on my life and home. That is just it, once big brother get's a hold of you, you have no right's. No rights to even speak.

Baby, I Love Your Way/PF

I know now why people say, no contest? What's the point. I have been buried under ever since I got my divorce. The character assaination alone. The destruction of my life. Everywhere, my children's school, which saw nothing. There was nothing to see. My contractors in my business. My click of friend's I had made here in the valley. My friend's from my past. What I had considered family since like fifth grade. It was deafening. I still had no idea of the set up until the day before my foot surgery. I knew legally Greg couldn't sign me out of my business. For one thing he wasn't smart enough.

Can't You Hear ME Knocking/RS

He literally sold me out. He said when Mary gave him a bill for 12,000 bucks he felt he owed her. Truth is this started the day Greg came home walked into the office where I was sitting at the computer. As usual I work at home in the summer, My goal was to go in in the evening for my yoga people. Then I was going to be in that lobby at that desk while my girls are in school. They tried 2 other times to set me up. They didn't get a reaction. No this had to be done legally. There was no justice system.

Daylight]Shinedown

Your justice system is to slow and it doesn't add up to shite. No I am not standing in front of another judge. I know what V said to me on our walk. My one crazy day or so I thot. She had said whatever Michael does let him do it. Michael is going thru all the stages I have been thru in each long term relationship. Right down to a T. Wow! I have never ever seen so much hate in Michael. I've seen the childish temper tantrums due to his lil demon child. Holding him down and hiding who he really is. 

Legendary/Skillet

Is this kid doing him any favors? Not in my perspective, this is why I think when this goes down and at first crash boom bang God is taking people home to heaven. Then for the next 48 hours we go dark. The whole planet. This is the purge. This is where all the past and present God's and souls. Angels Aliens and Demons are going to hit this planet. Their is a number four. The storm. The mother and the whole God Damned family are going to hit this rock. Heaven on earth baby.

No Appologies/PR

In the mean time the timing. This is not a good time for any of this. On Friday I finally got Michael to speak. Aparently when he was talking about 35 thousand feet, I thot dropping me 35 thousand feet and then splat. I hate it when he talks under his breath, making sure I can hear part of it. It is so mother flocking childish. I had texted him on Friday when I got the message from Min that she turned us into the court system.

Lifetime/3 days Grace

Of course her day off of work. I said to Michael now look we once again have big brother up our ass making decisions for us because you couldn't stop this bad behavior. I mean my God telling me you wish I was dead, that you want to kill me? Then I realized he tried already. Going back over his behavior lately. I mean the needling, talking under his breath. Accusing me of doing something if I have any reaction to anything at all. I thot he was in bed one night. I thot the front door was locked. Mike was out front. When he walked in the front door it was loudly. It startled me I screamed. Not out of control. He's accusing me of being high. I'm not and I said that is a normal reaction for anyone.

California Dreamin/DH

Yes, I have been thru this b4. The threats of character assaination. I'm going to call your daughter and tell her your drunk and high. Your out of control and have you committed. I'm going to get you put in a home. I asked him then, why are you doing this? This hate, blame and vindictivness. So he's threatening my roof over my head. He's threatening to destroy me. Like my mother, Greg, Carey, Jim and now Mike. First I'm walking on egg shells. Dmned if I do. DAmned if I don't. If I can, I do. I have already had Mike helping me alot since he got home. Emptying my bucket full of urine and feces. Emptying my puke garbage can. 

Had To Know/JC

Cleaning me off. Getting me meds and water. Taking me to the bathroom. Normal care giver stuff. If I can I do. For example if I have to go to the bathroom, he'll get pissed bcuz he's right there. He can help me. Then if I do ask he'll do this big sigh, normally doesn't respond negatively but now he is. I can hear and see the frustration taking care of me. Mike has to do and carry all the laundry. He has to do and carry all the groceries and has had to for over a year. As I'm getting worse so has Mike physically.

MZ Hyde/Halestorm

He has a job he loves. The commute is average and hour and a half each way, but three different types of transportaions it can be hours longer. If he drives, same time. He tries to view any walking he has to do as an oppurtunity to move. That's what I did B4 I used my walking to get to bus stop to bus stop. All I did was stretch my hips and I just kept moving. Stopping I might not get started again.

Royal Blood/Light's Out

I know one thing I don't need big brother up my ass now. I'm having a hard enpugh time just to keep up my own proof of life. I know one thing neither Michael nor I can move now. We are supposed to be together. Looking at his behavior step by step I even told him on Friday this is classic abuse behavior. The accusation's, the egg shells, the threats of destruction of my character. The proof and blame game. Threats of destruction. Living back on the street's, which I know is not an option. 

Rest In Peace]Dorothy

Wow! The hate, the vindictivness. Been here done this many times over. The control. No defense, not allowed to defend or speak. Then get's physical. Truly it doesn't even have to be physical. I just can't believe everything I have been writing about, and living thru, all my God Damned life is threats and attacks of destruction. Right down to ruining my credit at the beginning of my life, which held me up from building even more credit. All because I tried to set a boundary. What happen's I take the blame for someone elses behavior who is wondering what the fuck is going on with our mother?

The Liars Club/CC

I mean I had been gone 6 days a week. Getting up early coming home late. I had no idea the destruction my mother was causing just for trying to set a boundary. So I don't hate my first job, all these demands over and over. My sister was like all this because you tried to set a boundary. Their goes my car, my wardrobe all that I had aquired to get to school, just ot make me suffer and pay. My sister tried finding the medical bills I believe a total of 3 dollars.

Blow/Eva Under Fire

Yeah I know something is brewing and coming closer, just by both mine and Michaels physical capabilities and limitations. He never knows what he's going to come home 2. Me siitin in my own urine, bcuz I can't lift my hip sockets or move my leg's to make it to the John. I can just see it, people thinking my blood is going to cure them, and I can't even heal myself. U do know woth the weakening of the muscles, the heart is a muscle. I can just see and hear Greg and my mother I am to blame. I did something to bring this on myself. I deserve this. No one deserves a delilibating disease. On top of cancer. Heart Disease, and so much more. Would I wish this on anyone at the moment friwnd or foe? No 

Worst Is On It's Way]Korn

I know it's not proof red yet. More important to write while I can.

Malevolence, Demon or simply a sign of something big is brewing out there hurry up.

 I have no title for this post. I need to type this while I once again am getting stronger. Already I feel my fingers twitching and they are weak. I need to type this out before Michael comes home or is it even Michael? Sounds strange I know. It started out with I'll be damned if I do or damned if I don't. If I am weak I'll still get up, I have to do it during the day anyway. Depending on the stage I am at. With Michael being here I'll try to do things on my own feeling safer to test out my body, am I dizzy and or weak? 

He'll get pissed I'm being told I have to stay down, that I am to ask him and he'll get it. Then their is the flip side to that he get's mad if I ask for something. I'll say things when I ask like the next time U get up or I'll compile a list and tell him the list. Usually like a glass of water and or my big girl pull ups. Just small stuff that is a big help. U don't realize how much and how draining it is to just being able to do the basic body functions until U R unable to do them independently. 

Depending on another human being for everything takes it's toll on both sides. It's like make up my mind. Which way, up or down? Just tell me or I'm stuck having to walk on egg shells, just stop telling me one thing then he goes in the oppsite direction. At first not telling me. Im expected to read minds. It might seem like I can read minds but as of yet I can't. So far it's the emotion of someone. They may show me something by making me feel and some how see the pain. The purge of emotions.

With Michael I think I am dealing with demon number 3. Today I put it out there to my angles, God, guides. Who knows whose going to answer but I need an answer. Going back to Michael showing any agression was the black wolf demon. I saw the little boy demon already and as a proof of life my POL's I found in writing she starts to C demon's. So far on this journey I've seen 4. 

Like this last year I think was the next stage I can't remember if it was the night he tried to suffocate me. I mean literally waking up pinned down by his knees on my shoulders with the pillow pushing against my face. I don't know to this day which part Michael lied to the police about like why he did it? How long he did it for? I would tuck my head down to the side and breathing out of a crack between mattress and pillow. I'm doing a whisper begging for him to stop. He told the police that I was hitting him in his sleep. Even if I was U have the right to defend but are U going overboard. I mean he's much taller and bigger.

What did I learn from this experience after I heard they released him what's the point? What is the point to once again ask for help. I said to the woman U just released my abuser. Well the policeman saw that you had shaky leg's that U likely were drunk and hitting him. All these assumptions and no one came here to ask the victim. 

I have to ask let's say I was just stumbling drunk like Michael told to the police, blah blah blah. Michael knew my symptoms and that I'm at the tremors all over my whole body, I'm weak trying to hold mysrlf up. Yes I might stay on my feet but I'm standing wide legged and swaying back and forth all while the major tremors. That's all Michael had to do was mention that scarleyy letter A and I no longer have a voice. I no longer have any truth. It seems every time I open my mouth nothing but lies fall out.

All I did was quietly slide in2 bed on my right side as usual. Fell asleep quickly. I mean I literally just fell asleep. Then later Michael starts grabbing me getting in2 my face hands on my throat threatening me. First it's the roof over my head. He say's I can throw U out right now how would U like that? In this condition yeah I could do that or make one phone call to your daughter and we can go before a judge and have U committed. He's laughing, yeah he's got me cornered.

What would start the bickering was usually this scenario, Michael out of the mother fucking blue would start making small comments to get my ire up. Accusing me of things, and Id ask people, ask not tell him to please stop. Not now Michael I don't want to do this. He will keep going like a child poking and teasing me. It's amazing I still have not exploded. I'd say to Michael everything your accusing mr of U need to look in the mirror.

What he would do is have me in his grip, he's in my face going oh oh oh not one word or I'm throwing U out on your ass. U can sleep outside in the elements. U can go back to living in the woods with the other animals. I mean really, when does the means justify the end? Lately Ive been thinking about susan powers, "stop the insanity."

Then last night Michaels behavior truly did scare me. I mean I had no idea what to do. I don't think I was thinking about this being a demon until early this morning when he said he wanted me dead. He wishes I was dead and that he hates me. Telling me he means it. This is what I mean by abuse of power. Me locked in a corner and like everyone else they want complete ownership of me.

On and off today my mind kept going back to Michael and this crazy behavior. The escalation of the verbal and physical abuse. For a few seconds I was pissed at Michael, like God damnit not another demon. U C yes I can C demons but only if they upstairs want me to C it, the part they forgot is how to dispel a demon. Yes I've been wondering where are my watcher's, my protectors, my guides and that includes my brother sitting at the dining room table. His shadow is elbow's on knees head down. When I saw my brother in 3rd grade he had just escaped juvie. Somewhere he should of never had been,

I'm removed from the house just as I C my step dad taking off his belt. I don't think my brother had ever even met this man. There my mother stands all proud of her man. This is the same pose that Mr. 666 sit's in when he is abandoning me letting me handle a situation that isn't even my issue in the first place. For example Greg's fatal attraction, I find out 4 months later from this jacked up crazy woman ruining our family, our livlihood bcuz truly this is a psycho way to get ayyrntion from your husband. Greg literally said to me it is my responsibilty to get these 2 people in Greg's office to meet with us and Mr.Chan, Greg's boss.

It just never ended. By this time my goals were to once again ge thru this fire then we can just be a family without all this drama and chaos coming down on my head.

Now back to demon number 3, turn's out I was right about who I was seeing inside him? Last time it was a what, this time it's a molevelent man, I know one thing and one thing only that is he wants me dead. I can tell U what he looked like in human form once upon a time. I can tell U his intent and why. What I can't tell U is his name? Where he's from besides hell? 

I'd have to say Michael has to know that he's there inside him by now. U should of seen him when he got home. Literally picks a fight with me. Starts digging at nothing, then he turn's around like I'm the one doing this, how he's not going to argue with me. I went to reply to an accusation and the look and the body language was like a crazy Christopher Walken. Well that might be not the best analogy. I mean the crazy Chris hair. 

 

Malevolent is the best word to describe

Maniac

 Maniac that's how I feel at this moment. Dancing needing to write. Sweat sparaying around me. I'm so amped up as my wings spread, as I figure out what's happening with my body vs. what's happening in the universe. I sometimes feel like the Blues Clues guy. With my note book in hand, connecting the dot's, feeling like I'm in a game of Clue. Who did it? Truth vs. blame all this confusion today. All this Chaos.

Paradise By The Dashboard Light/ML

Just on my body alone today, what am I currently? I'm off balance. Physically completly off balance. At the start I kept seeing the Tao sign. The black and the white waves. I'm saying to them, so I'm a lil Tao. What is Tao? Balance. What is Greg's birth sign? Libra and scales. No we had absplutley no balance in our marriage. We started out in California with a lil black dog I named Trident. I named the white Maltese Wrigley. U can't have balance in a marriage that started out as a lie. In this family that can't stop the party. All this packing and hauling. Being the designated driver. All these years of take, no credit. This family did nothing but place a value on me. All along no credit. Turning a blind eye when I fall. I mean everything at a cost all this deflection and blame. The compulsive lying. Sitting with our second marriage councelor and catching Greg in a lie 2 sentences later. How he doesn't mind helping me when he has to help pick up toys no at first whatever in the other direction He does mind. I got him red handed this time. The councilor stops and says yeah Greg which is it? Later I thot to myself what is the point going if the whole time he's going to lie. Were going to get no where. Besides I got my answer.

The Warrior Scandal

I remember in the first 2 months reading on the sign it said Warrior number 2. I'm thinking all along, so my job is to look for Warrior number 1. Just who is Warrior number 1. Does he or she know what's coming up. R they prepared? Is any one prepared? Clues, to discover it's me. Going on a journey to find myself. Clueless doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Kevin met a old man who said well make up my mind, which way do I go?

LOve Is A Battlefield/PB

This is the second song that is playing in my head. The first was Hell Hell Is For Children. I refused to let it play. I can't say the next song was any better. It was Love Love Is A BAttlefield. This just happened to be the day I got out of one of your boxes. My Best friend is mad at me bcuz I'm coming back alone to the lot where I put the staff in the ground. Cyn wouldn't let Keith drive me back. She's punishing me, she's just another mother in my life worried. Fire works are going off behind me. I'm stomping back. Back pack on my back. Feeling a staff in my hand, just walking not breaking any laws. Here comes a policeman, I recon more profiling. Another potential liability. Just checking in. I have good intentions.

Good intentions of what? Stomping all over my Civil Rights just to be walking. He say's Colleen where are U headed? Take note their was no animosity on either side of the table. For me it was just another day of come waht may, living in acceptance. Not knowing what's going to happen once I cross that thresh hold?

I have been taken back to every time Greg said no to me. It literally was any time I asked for anything. It didn't matter what it was. Back to his first time accusing me of doing something that absolutly did not happen. Going back to him I don't even know what to call it. Holding something over my head just throwing in a curve ball. Let me C I'm a grown ass woman, in a safe envoronment. I get taken back to a party where Gwen is at. Well I mixed my red's and whites together. I'm not that experienced.

Greg say's he's going in his room to study for the rest of the night. Yes I'm sick. Duh! No I'm not minimizing. Here I am with a man who the first time I met him at a gathering of friend's. Alcohol. First conversation with his mother. Doesn't even have coat off and she's got that martini made and in hand. I truly didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of the full liquor cabinet. The every friday night and holiday, party at Elaines.

Crimson And Clover/JJ and Black Hearts 

Being taken back to the blame and control. The unreal expectation and this family determining her value. Even her value to eat. by mom said to me once about her fathers parent's wouldn't cross the street to feed their son or sons family even if U were starving. Now I know from this journey, that it's because he married my grandmother, a full blooded native woman. Realizing that they

 had another son in my grand daddies family my brother, uncle Bud married a my grandma Lily's sister. I guess he was outcast to.

Total Eclipe Of The Heart/BT

Yeah those scales, we have scales of justice. No balance. Actually no justice system. No defense, no voice. I may only speak after I go to this box. I already have to establish my innocense B4 I can speak. I do it. Once again another box that is making decisions for me. I didn't ever need anyone to make a decision for me. Oh yeah, the very man I'm trying to escape, the manager of the place after speaking to Greg that yes he should be here. My 2 councilors even told her U can't let him in, we don't know what it is yet but we do know it has something to do with him. But this woman is the boss so she gives the final answer. A man that has clearly been proven in my marriage he wouldn't lift a finger to help this woman.

If she's lying on the floor and dying he'd flat out ignore me. Step right over me turn a blind eye. I no longer exist. I'm useless. He found what he's looking for, a woman that he can string along and flirt with because he sold out his wife he thought Mary was going to makehim rich. U talk about a man that did nothing absolutley nothing in this marriage for this long haul of a marriage. God has shown me just how much I was carrying just to keep this roof over our head. Yeah I worked for free. To save money on taxes. Where ever I turned just to speak about what's really happening the answers are always well I'm sure it's just U. U must of did something. U should do this. U U U. I didn't believe in blame, I believed in balance and solutions. U have no idea what I went through being married to a man who is doing no acknowledgment about what he had just done.

He locked me literally in chains in a box hearing now him and mary have decided. for example as he doles out his punishment at the same time my next assignment of what him and mary have decided like I'm going to get up 7 days a week now because I'm not bringing in a income. They have shown me how this man started long ago punishing me, making me pay, deciding the factors. Blatantly telling me when Alex is 7 months crawling sitting sticking things in her mouth or that outlet.

I call him thinking oh he probably just forgot. I'm okay light hearted and speaking to him, his answer was that it's my job now. R U fucking nuts? Could U at least tell me what my job is ahead of time so our daughter doesn't kill herself. I'm shocked, stunned in to silence.

Timeline's

Greg is not only telling me when I need to get off the phone. Making his grand statements as he walks through the kitchen like he's got a white glove on. I am just ignoring his demands, his out burst. What I'm doing wrong I over spent getting a bag of lettuce. I wasted money. Take note Greg knew nothing about money. That's how I ended up with all the responsibility. They have shown me since day one of being pregnant All I'm trying to do is enjoy myself. That is it. Enjoy my pregnancy and the birth of my first daughter, this man and family are just doing everything they can to blow it.

My first real timeline was the day of Greg going back 2 work I look down and I realize I can't leave her. I can't let someone else give her her walking feet. So I figure it out financially in reality I'd be handing over my pay check to daycare. We because well remember Greg just had to sell his car. I no longer had any right's to my car either. 

I told Greg the truth of that I thot I could leave her. I explained one car baby commute and well everything boils down to money with this guy. He just put a timeline on me, as well as finally admitting that all he did was play for 3 years. Making decisions, huge decisions with his friends which impact us finanacially. realizing on this journey all the while he is making decsions with his friends not his wife. Changing from 4 years and he will work in summers on breaks whatever. He's being fired or just quit the second job after I invested 350 dollars all the while getting out of any kind of work.

I'm stunned what are U gonna do after U play for 3 years. OMGOD! Did I really just hear that. Going back to all 4 sets of my keys and the timing of that. I would go in the office and open it take phone calls schedule appointments, setting up of the office, scheduling walk ins. It was during this time that I keep going back to get more keys made. Getting ready to walk out door to take my kids to daycare, I reach up for my keys and gone. Once again gone. For years same habit walk in front door and hang my key's on the key rack to the right.

What they are showing me is the timeing of this. Talk about sabatoge. When they said sabatoge U have no idea. If U think it was the disappearing key's? Fuck no. Why would anyone who does nothing but preach money prevent me from going in to the office to get us started cock block me? Prevent me from even being able to get inside. Three times I had to call fire department. I finally look in this empty bag and all my keys are there.

King's Dust In The Wind

I hate it when this happens having a good morning, finally finally able to blog, when I want to pace stretch get my hips then body moving doing tai chi yoga some kinda funk as I connect and move my body with the beat of the music. Letting the music feed my emotions but no I have to write what I know so far 

I Guess They Cakk It The Bkues EJ

First my fingers arehard to move. I'm totally hitting the wrong keys I'm twitching, in my head left side tingling and popping all around eye too. Pain in my Jaw and heart, My face the whole left side of my body going weak and numb. For once it's been so long since I could type. I haven't smoked in hours, nothing. It's came on hard and fast. Once again I don't know what to do, Sumatriptan, I'm on my last one. Ibuprufen pain med what? 

Promises in the dark/PB

I've been definately put on a timeline, Now with my mouth and I have more red tape. Going to the right doctor to get the referral. Getting the referal, more wait time. 10 business days to process. Then on average with any specialist a minimum of another 2 months. It's getting worse blister on tongue now a red dot all the while my body is doing this stroke muscles weakening I've got to get this down. Infection, Pain in ear coming from jaw going into my heart. Is it the big C? Their point is some of us can't do this red tape again.

Michael told me last night he wishes I were dead. I'm looking at him, I said wow. Thinking it's not like you haven't tried. I mean who regardless of the reason tries to suffocate someone with a pillow? He's nit picking me, accusing me, not looking at himself at all when hr's doing this. I don't or haven't butonce again I go to speak. He's in my face grabbing me by the throat telling me if I say one word back defending myself, hell kill me. Hell throw me out on the street's how would I like to be thrown out on the streets in this condition.

Once again I'm locked in with I have no idea what this is inside him now. 

This Is Just All Bad Timing

 I've been thinking about my body and there  is no way that my body can wait for my first appointment with this referal, It's 2 months away, plus twice a week for a year. I didn't get the tremors as bad this time, like the weakness and shakiness. I now have a commode, a walker, and a wheel chair to get me through some of these stages, I'm worse not getting better. Even when I have a good day or week, I'm weaker. I don't last long. Do you even know how long it takes me to put in just this paragraph.

I am swollen under tongue, Plus a red line, My mouth hurts roof to throat. My gum's are receding. Just the jaw pain going in to my ears, My whole neck muscles hurt. The pain in my chest. It's gotten worse. The weird shit in my brain popping and around eyes. It's even hard to tell now which migraine. It's like everything all the way down to feet. The timing, how many flocking doctors, specialist and neurologist. 

about 7 years ago I had a clogged duct, Last time at dentist I got a referal to go to another specialist, sitting in dentist chair I tell him about it, now I'm hearing I have to go to a doctor. Another flocking appointment I have to schedule and go to. I hate calling Hopelink, If I remember to. So far it's the better transportation. 

Last time my body did this Michael is holding me up to get to bathroom. I'm weak, the tremors, dizziness or equilibrium. I looked up at Michael and said U don't know how much this hurt's me. I'm supposed to be taking a stand in this video, low and behold I can't stand. I wondering why are U putting me through this. Now I faint, fall, paralysis. This morning I'm thinking I can type. My fingers are twitching and to weak to vent on this blog. Already.

This is no quality of life at all. My tongue and mouth are really concerning me. It was Spring 2016 that I had the stomach and intestinal infection. How long I had it before getting treated. Only 1 doctor out of all this time new to ask me that obscure question. It has just been one thing after another physically. oh yeah I'm making this up. Fuck that, no way would I even no to make this up. 

I have much more to break down and try to even write, printing this blog and photos, Yet I really need to do this video. I was speaking yesterday, I said come on this is ridiculous, give me a fucking break. No answer coming back this time. I'm dizzy just trying to write this. 

Progressive Illness

 Just that word lately has been sinking in more and more. Then the question stomach infection when I had this in spring 2016, my hands, then arms particularly the left summer 2016 and by then the energy drain and weakness is full on. Then speaking to doctor on phone with questions and answers, then I look it up and it was the progression and different stages. I have said after 2 week's of being to dizzy to do anything let alone walk and be able to stay upright. 

Back to balance it was this stage and this stage hadn't happened before. I wasn't dizzy, I could lift my body off couch. I didn't have shaky legs I could walk but the different part is I still had to hold onto the wall's to stay upright. If I let go I'd fall straight over, my leg muscles and ankles aren't giving out. Just a dead fall. Like fainting or passing out from standing position, dead fall. It was like I was completly off balance, that is why I said in the past like my equlibrium is off.

Greg's birth sign is a Libra balance and Justice. We have no balance in anything. We haves no Truth in any house. We are enslaved, just with the fallen angel being on our rock, he knows I'm here. He/she knows what's coming up. All this chaos IC going on around me. 

Thinking about what I have said in the past be careful what U ask for, especially a prayer of compassion and love. These guys don't do anything gentle. Look what they chose for me, free standing. weakness and paralysis, what order and when? Turn's out nothing and anything trigger's these symptom's. The allergy symptoms' to gabapentin that were exactly the same symptom's of this illness, CIDC symptom's. The allergy to that stop smoking drug, 2 times no reaction on this drug. Then the 3rd time beginning anew the same symptom's of what I know is progressive CIDC, weakening of the muscles.

This comes on not doing a God Damned thing when it want's to. 10 times sent to physical therapy, all the doctor's that wouldn't let me speak. Refuse to treat even. It's physical therapy that blew me up on left side. I'm thinking hip's. hip socket's, sciatica, the preformist muscle, I knew I was slowly getting worse and my muscles are getting weaker. How long to get this diagnosis? All the finger pointing, my oldest saying I must be doing my PT wrong or I'm not in the right form. U R all so brain washed. 

All the while fighting to stay strong, to try and get back to strong over and over all these stages and symptom's. There was nothing I could do about this all along. I don't get in2 this dr. until end of August. I really can't risk holding off getting weaker while getting treatment twice a weak for one year and something about heavy steroids.

I want to feel good and no weird symptoms of any kind would be nice. Well after this stomach infection that I had for I'd say a little over a year, then I'm getting weaker all along. Thinking about the heart pain in my chest? Realizing once again the heart is a muscle.

I can't at time's get 1.5 feet with out falling over, I collapsed onto a chair 3 feet away, trying to stay on the edge and finish lifting my body up. Weakness and stamina, my heart. All these different reason to do a dead fall from weakness, imbalance, paralysis, fainting, I just fall and not for just one reason and I have had no control over. All the while just trying to get stronger. 

My dream's of The Fall, Standing in a crowd of people I do a dead fall face down. I can't lift my body up. Either no one see's me falling or they think I deserve this. I don't care. My teeth shattering out of my head. Over and over I had this dream. Look now what they gave me, an illness that is maybe curable, I keep falling with this for any number of reason's, no I can't lift myself up my muscles are either to weak, or paralysis.

I had to explain to Michael that when I stand my whole body shakes and trembles. I can't stand on my own, I can't lift myself up on anything. I explained how much it hurt's my whole body, when I'm this weak. The next day he goes to work, and get's me a bucket instead. I watch my caregiver walk out for the next average 13 plus hour's wondering how am I going to function today? He's now threatening to put me in a home. He tells me not to get up or do anything for myself. He will do it. Then he get's angry, hearing I have to pee. How often he's had to clean me up? Waking him at night to take me to the bathroom and he get's pissed. Get me my med's. Another damned of I do and damned if I don't in this life.

I knew one thing however I'm not getting better. He never knows what he's coming home 2. What did I fall on and break including a sprained hand, A stabbed index finger, gabapentin and the whole body weakness and tremors. I hit a nerve. Another 6 week's. The hairline fracture on my top of shoulder bone, which happens to be above where I sprained my hand still healing and it retriggered my whole left side hand shoulder and arm. Thinking it's a bruise. Then 2 hairline fractures on my 2 phalanges on top of foot  toward ankles. Well let's just say the Mortens Neuroma in both feet are also flared.

They, upstairs literally took this fall thing to a whole new level. 

Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy

CIDP tingling in arms and legs. Gradual weakening of the arms and legs. Loss of reflexes. Loss of balance and your ability to walk. Loss in feelings in arms and legs. I have gone thru hell, and so many diagnosis's, that have walked into one more symptom. Getting weaker and weaker over the years. So many ER doctor's, and neurologist sports medicine specialist, Just trying to get the diagnosis in my back what I went thru and it kept coming up, a diagnosis. Took 3 years to get that. 

Then when I got here in 10/04/2016 sight unseen. Being taken back to my hand's and the knots in my back and neck. My toes the burning and tingling but now Morten's neuroma. Which I discovered also just like that first x-ray. Being patronized by another doctor asking why it hurts here and next time over here? That's why I'm here. A diagnosis and help but noooo. I found it on my own. Scoliosis and Kyphosis. No S Curve. I'm pedaling out between shoulder blades the fucked up sacrum and tail bone.

My hip sockets crooked and shifting. All those miles walking thru the pain, all I did was stretch my back leg's and hip socket's and hold the front of my thigh and calves tight. All those year's, all those knot's being patronized and treated like a liar and a guinea pig on your bullshit solution's to pain. U doctors serve a system an insurance and a stock machine, not man. It pisses me off that My fatigue first my hands then arms, what do I have an infection in the lining of my stomach and intestines' that Got bad in the spring of 2016. 

All the while my deep fatigue, up anywhere from 3 to 5 in that bathroom every ten minutes. I wanted to go back to the woods. I was getting weaker and more tired. Crashing for 3 to five hours at a time. It took me until the summer of 2017 to get an answer from a hip x-ray that was unneeded. Then I find out from doctor who did upper GI and Lower GI. The infection cleared but still just showing as black spots. to think. that it was I now why they had me go into the hospital and get them to listen. I drank very heavily. To C what it's like physically and to lose more right's.

Having to here the words again psycho sematic just like Alex and the Judge. It just had to be sum obscure thing. The Knott in my neck and my left shoulder, then arm, then as it got bigger and harder I could feel the pin pricks behind my eye. I was still not on a large dose of pain meds and for over a year that non narcotic, that jacked me up. My physical allergic reaction these symptoms of my leg muscles weak necking until the front and back muscles don't work.

Like 18 months after this knot finally got an answer, Complex migraines that have stroke like symptom's. all the while my left leg down low and the sciatica in hip socket, constantly rolling it out to keep going. What's weird is sometimes being completely paralyzed, not even your hip sockets will move. A doctor on Friday called me back over an upcoming appointment, for Home Healthcare stuff. This doctor asked my symptoms, I told her is that it progressives almost every time it comes on. No rhyme or reason. I can't find the pattern. This time in my last hospital stay the process started for Home Healthcare.

I said in 2018 I couldn't do my walks at all. Couldn't get next door or come back with a load of laundry and trust my leg's. The dizziness, my leg's are doing their own thing. This doctor asked if I had a stomach infection in the past? I said yes, like 7 years ago my body is shutting down my fatigue and weakness, Feeling like my balance and equilibrium are off.  I just knew once again I could make this once again about something that hasn't anything to do with it.

She told me her husbands doctors name. The name of this disease. What the treatment plan is like a year. Being seen or treated twice a week. Something about large amount's of steroids. All these years once again being controlled, judged for my pain and ignored. Patronized all the way. Sent to physical therapy 10 times. Which is why freedom wears a blanket on her left shoulder. There ain't no Freedom up in this house. I said chest pain because this time the jaw, ear, mouth accommodated with chest pain that comes and goes randomly. It affects your muscles your heart is a muscle. I have more questions. Being this rocks petrified tree of life? My father took me to the petrified forest. I try to hold onto being told that I will get back anything I've ever lost. I fell to my knees with right hand in air bawling. Feeling the blessing the energy. Still having no idea what this is about.

Truth be told I can't do this another year. Even though I have a walker which only work's when my leg's are strong enuf to lift me up. The wheel chair is to much weakness to even crawl, or make a plan to fall off couch or toilet down to the floor. The scooching the crawling. The pain in my left jaw I thot was part of the complex migraines which after I slowly learned more. Can't speak, left eye is dark. The twitching. Standing there or getting ready to move. I don't stagger I just dead fall as my muscles and ankles go out. 

She the doctor who asked the question's and told me the name symptoms and treatment plan. I know I need to go in. I can't wait. No matter what I don't have a year of even knowing what I know. I never know tomorrow or if later today what stage I'll be at. When it's going to come on? What stage is it going to come on? I have to do this video. This time I want it done by 4th of July. My family reunion. 

Oh yeah 7 years ago sent to Seattle over a clogged gland. Dentist concerned cancer. Now 7 years later still there but the whole center under tongue is swollen and down the middle a red line. Like a cut and all under tongue especially on left side its all swollen. My tongue is numb. I've only had the last few day's jaw pain. that goes into ear and nothing I have is taking it down pain wise. This is just one of the what I think is it the chronic migraine? Is it the CIPD that brought these symptoms on this time? Then I find under dental pain in jaw and ear pain. Cancer. I hate that C word.

Of course it just can't be an infection of the gland? It started out like 2015 looking like a gird tongue with a white tip that I pushed out later with my tongue but the long swollen gland that looked like a bird tongue remained and now painful and altered.

Oh yes 2 other things the doctor that said to Michael Psycho Sematic. It's in my head. I'm doing this to myself. Michael got pissed stopped her from speaking with his hand up. He said I know here she wouldn't do this. I've been here care giver watching her get worse. Then he said this is not about alcohol. Know matter what she takes these symptoms keep coming back with nothing and no rhyme or reason. 

The nurses took it upon themselves to cut my hair that was finally where it needed back to. Plus the Shekinah her twin flame the Holy Spirit. In 2015 first I'm looking out of her eyes then down upon her. That's when I saw the Bodice fitting medieval white gown. Her hair. Like I used to wear mine. My weddings. I didn't know if it was a storm I was sensing because later it was a war. Snow or ash?

I want this over. I want to break the chains that bind. Give U back your heart. Give U back your Faith. Truth behind Love and our cock blockers of Love and evolution.

Boundaries

God damnit, it has just been hell, especially this last few years. All I have been thru and not in any condition to write or blog. Either my hand's don't work, or dizziness. Realizing all along I have been learning even more in my life, particularly the pattern's of my mother and Greg. Elaine well I knew all along of her judgement and lies. Another person to ruin my day. Getting shown how every time it is my day I've had these 3 even others in my life like Gwen, manipulation and control. Another person in my life creating trouble because they didn't get their way with me. Someone else whose gonna make me pay because they didn't get their way. 

Being shown when I first started taking the blame. Age 6 my grandmother. Catherine the Irish one. Being shown when I first spoke about it to Marlena my councilor. I was also clueing in at that time energy. That I associated love with energy. The cherries and the blue bowl. The cherries represented energy. It might of been Alex but on this journey the cherries came back around. I worked with them one morning. The blue bowl came back around at the second house I slept in on my first four homeless night's. I had written the promised land. I had been told by these 2 sisters to watch out for King County. I thot they were talking police, but I learned the hard way their point King County and that HIPPA form. Just another pause moment in life.

Going over my four agreements and understanding each day the hard way about slavery and civil liberties. This blanket legal system, insurance, pharmaceuticals, that schizophrenic label and when it first came up or so I thot going back over stuff, connecting more dots and having so much more to write. Going over when and where I noticed a pattern in how my body and I have reacted in certain ways. When and where I was standing? My first three times over doing a screeching inhale inside me and even outside me. Each time putting my hand on my heart.

Then it switched in another way the 3 times to the Zoro zoot zoot zoot. Very interesting when this happened. Going back over 2012 my great Cherokee grandmother showing up in my room. 3;16 in red showing thru her. I knew I recognized her but I couldn't place her. Then the 2 grey's showed up and how it was my 3rd eye that opened, I didn't have to turn around. It wasn't until this journey that I got answer's. Not yet putting together that I started seeing them in the fifth and 6th grade. Not learning until the history channel that they are the grey's. To me they were still demon's, but in 7th grade we moved again and I kept writing the strange beings off as my childhood imagination because I had watched a horror show actually 2, but at this time it was the Sentinel. The other was the entity and well not only has that movie come back around. Learning that their really is an ardor and it's not what people think.

The 3 book's I threw in my life and why. Going back over my number's, my dream's when I first discovered on this journey and how long until thing's really sunk in. Going back over the bride when she first came up and she kept coming up. Learning who the man in the navy blue t-shirt from my dream's whom I only saw the back of not knowing until he showed himself that he was a part of this. When I first saw a man carrying a cross, hearing the word Sanskrit, seeing Jesus Christ with a sun ring around his head but still not processing that this had anything to do with Jesus Christ or God and my belief's in my life. How I came to the conclusion that I don't need a box of wood and stone to have a relationship with God. I don't need a religion of their own rituals and rules. Learning how people use God as a good excuse for their bad behavior. Taking their own righteousness now thinking they are the judge now. They did not put their Faith in God instead doling out your own judgement and justice on another. Including limiting someone else's faith. Another way of slavery and oppression. Another bully in life. 

All the times JC has stood in my presence after he showed himself at the end of September 2016. My reaction's, my argument's with him at first. Me being the one fighting and arguing, him showing up later in a variety of different clothing. The navy blue t shirt, how he stands quite a bit casually with his arm's crossed. Then it was when I was put in 2 vision's with him at first standing at the foot of my bed with that white sash wrapped around his groin area, at first thorn's on his head and blood running down his face, I went to touch him and discovering what I was wearing both time's also, my reaction.

The white robes he'd wear, the conversation's at the time. Seeing a huge palm behind me and a white horse bowing in front of him. Being shown the red t shirt that I was usually in and taken back to other dream's and vision's over my lifetime. What I was doing, seeing and wearing. Putting together the time's I wasn't asleep but had vision's. I'd forget because anything that happened was done sequentially and very far apart, even by year's. Even in Fall City with my great grandmother and the grey's I'd literally fall right back to sleep unlike my childhood. Going back thru my 7's, 10's and 12's, The discoveries on this journey. Fall City, the Rose the name of the park in Fall City. Quigley Park, I was also working with an Ariel, red hair. They weren't kidding when they said I'm done serving the food. When my body started not working at what stages and the timeline. Still today people assume Alcohol I wasn't drinking. Hadn't drank in years. 

It was a policeman who'd come in on the graveyard shift. He was a single father so I had heard along with the number 7 and hearing he is standing at the door. He's hear for the son. Hearing around another policeman He's playing on the wrong team. The twin's when my 7's kept coming up but I kept hearing twins. Including finding out Darren is my twin. The other joker and fool born in this family. How twin's kept coming back around. His son's name Aron and finding out after the history channel that Moses brother's name was Aron and the name of the mountain that he was working at. Hearing the burning bush, our past President's the Bush name along with the brother Jeb and how he said their is no heart in that house.

It was the second house I slept in and his name was Mason then it turned into the Masonry and then the free mason's. Michael's great grandfather was a Freemason and he changed the family name then from a really old religious name. Yeah, God has so much word play in his codes. Well it was the book of angel's that I used as a guide. The legion. God's protector's and first family. I kept hearing Ariel, house home animal's. The black and white dog's we got while in California, Greg's birth sign and learning their was no balance at all in our relationship. How can their be when someone is so good at lying and blaming, he didn't know how to do the most basic thing's. The conversation with Steve in Phoenix, over hearing Elaine blame me for splitting from Wes and Molly as friend's how it was both of our decision. Who tells a mother whom was very aware of the stages her children were going through and why because of the book's she had read and the day care licensing class taught her so much.

She was a positive parent. Not a no parent, not creating drama or discipline when they are to young to even process it. She was very patient and not a screamer or yeller. Saving her no's for when it is important. Alex only did thing's one time but she didn't get the attention she was trying to get. Instead around the beginning of opening this office, all that she went thru getting it open all because of a secret and a lie that Greg kept for 4 month's, being shown how she was then made responsible from that moment on for having to meet these people with Greg's boss. How Greg still was not acknowledging or even cleaning up any part of the mess. Him losing his income over the next few months, without her having to pull something out of the magic hat once again.

All the time's that Greg said U have to do your being assigned more responsibility. Being shown the time's he had me back in that office to physically do my part. My father's funeral. She get's a phone call that she has to not only get this off the ground but doing all the leg work up until then getting it open. Being abandoned in the biggest fixer upper and being made responsible literally for every thing now. He wasn't going to allow her to hire someone and he wasn't going to help her.

Being shown when I first opened that office I was still working on the wall in the living room, and having our third heating system put in. Forced air. When she first had to put both kid's in the Montessori she was the one going in the office alone scheduling billing errands marketing and cleaning. I at this time had four set's of keys gone. I had to have the fire department come and break me into my own office three times bcuz for no reason he kept taking them off the key rack.

When they said sabotage you have no idea, just how it was always something with him. Always. You have no idea how I was now fighting just for the basics, including dental and healthcare for my kid's. He didn't want to pay. Being shown just how dysfunctional that house and especially that kitchen everything was. Everything was done the hard way. How long I had a refrigerator that was small and I had to thaw it by hand every month. The freezer we got for like 50 bucks and it was her who had to rinse and wash lift and drop this freezer all after she almost miscarried Alex and he not only didn't acknowledge he made everything harder. 

Being shown how he wouldn't acknowledge that she needed to hire help and he'd fuck up any help she tried to get in order to keep up, all while this guy is having to get out of town. His party and all this travel was supposed to end, but it got worse after buying this house bcuz he had no logic or knowledge of the seasonal and daily  work that goes into this fixer upper. 

Being shown all the time's that Greg left me to resolve any drama that came up bcuz he didn't even know how to communicate and problem solve. How he kept putting me on timelines. Like not going back to work right after Alex? Why pay a daycare to raise my daughter? Babies can cause a parent to miss work, and who was made responsible for even this. Being shown how when someone complimented me and or my work he'd wave his hand and say that's nothing. Being shown how often he pawned her off to another Chiropractor and just when he'd do this? How I paid another Chiropractor while pregnant with Kiley and after bcuz she was last if at all on his list of priorities. 

Being shown how much these 3 people made her pay and guilted her if they couldn't have complete control. How they'd punish her. The relationships they destroyed in my life then being shown you big brother your abuse of power. Your blanket laws and diagnosis being put in our school system. If the system doesn't allow it U have no voice. No right to speak or defend yourself. I never needed anyone to step into my life and try and control me or the life I'd built with my girls. Being shown that first mistreatment center and the manager letting him in when she and her 2 councilors said no. The conversation and threat's I got from this woman? Again someone else making decisions in my life that wasn't theirs to make. I always learned one thing in my life by experiencing and watching other's like with my mother, someone I knew I never wanted to be like. Who took the right and responsible action to not repeat history. How much these people and others have stolen, blamed and lied about. 

I still have a lot to say bcuz I get reminded for example another number I forgot about. Another name or color for example. Emotion's, not being allowed to have emotions, normal emotion's in my lifetime, when other's can have passive aggressive behavior, threaten and bully me, being attacked and or threatened in my relationships. Not allowed to speak or defend anywhere in my life. I don't think so. Not even in a Justice system that really is nothing but blind justice. No justice just a justified system. No freedom, slavery don't care nothing about the color of your skin. I have learned that slavery comes in all different forms. I had to experience all abuse, bcuz of the prayers from my heart over time.

It was a pause moment from my past. Not the prayer but how I have experienced every kind of abuse that their was up to that point or they would never of gotten the prayer's from the heart. They would of never gotten Justice or what true freedom is without me living through all the slavery and injustice. Don't ever tell me how to speak think or feel. Don't ever tell me what to be thankful for. Yes regardless of how I got here I still have every right to be angry about my life being a set up. My life and children being stolen. Remember on this journey and the one U will go thru walking through heaven. The journey of Truth, not blame. They not just one guide but many. They are witty. They make U laugh, they make U cry, they pacify then yank your chain showing you more injustice to piss you off. You purge your emotions naturally. They don't last like meeting JJ for the first time. Gwen's grandparent's, Having God show himself. Being told what to call my actual Father who has popped up a few times in my dreams and on this journey. Walking by a church and being told I'm to call him Father. The emotion's last like five minutes then you move forward. 

Why I called this boundaries? How hard and what I went through trying to set boundaries with people that have no boundaries. I see this a lot in society today. People have their own rules but no boundaries, no respect. Whom had the worst reaction? My mother age of 18 getting physically attacked for my mother's lack of boundaries. Take your Political Correctness and shove it up your ass. 

We Belong

 We Belong/PB

She's write how fitting that V of peace from just one of my granddaddy's hand signals B4 I left all the way back to the V in the last painting of the Last Supper. C ing that V in her name, 2 hands in the air then the letter Y standing with two hands in the air. There R two thru out history. I'm a little Tao the yin the yang balance. I keep going back on and off to what I said the last time in Cowlitz county. When I put my right hand on my heart and said to Michael crying  "these people R hungry for food, they R hungry for love. On a walk I went on with V our topics? One being when she's thanking me for feeding Michael. Common denominator or clue? Food and love. What does a mother feed U from the very start, we feed food and love. These 2 do go hand in hand. Also kept hearing 2 mothers. Anne and Mary Consecutively. Then Wendy. The storm.

Harden My Heart/ Quarterflash

How I've been listening to and hearing the insanity all of my life. Zion, my mother, a schizophrenic or a seer. Whom just happens to be so mentally ill she has a scientific and a spiritual label. I wasn't thinking of V and her agreement when I was on her lot making mine 2. How I've been saying their have always been 2 thru out history and time and God is energy. Crystal clear energy. Standing in front of God the first thru fourth time, I did not see, but everything permeated me. He shot straight for the heart, my answer my children. For my children. U know the who's. U knew what was going 2 cum for my children. Not where, when and why.

 As for 2, First it was V, then it was Gary. He's a good man. The only one who treated me as an equal and didn't hit on me. In any one of his characters that he represented. What a gift to watch participate all the while feeling safe sleeping in the facinity. If he was going 2B gone during the night he let me know. 

To me he represented of John the baprist, his tragic death I later found out (history channel). What he would be today being whom he really is a prophet and a seer. The curse of our system, creating all these grey areas, in that HIPPA. I'm not allowed to C. 2C in others heart's. To hear what they R saying when no one else hears or sees bcuz U put laws and guilt, that label and pharmaceuticals

Beings Standing In My Room

First Home/The gateway in the land of king's as a newborn, then where I was born from about 1 to 2 years old. I was born in the land of kings.

Monticello Apartment's. My grandparent's managed them. The color Pepto Bismo pink. I lived here from 2 to 4 years old. Cowlitz County.  

A toad in my crib

A birdie close by from age 2 to 4. He lived at the Monticello Apartment's. 4 more throughout life. 

A 15 year old in Adams County, had crush on my boyfriend. Name Birdie.

A inmate from Alcatraz, who went off when I asked him about reestablishing himself in society. He went off.

Then the last two were lawyers. One was disbarred right after my divorce was finalized. 

A Mr. Bird who told me 2 let the rape go with a company that kept calling the police the last one accused me of being a prostitute and I needed to be on that land. I was at the counter asking about protocol. Walked out going to my white sign in the woods. A man comes up 2 me that I had a conversation with 2 evenings B4 and he said she just called the police and said your a prostitute on the lot. Then a cop drives by. I ducked under a semi and crawled in that guys semi. I know better. I worked there. That agreement and Faith to go thru any open door or invited to cross.

I wanted nothing from this business. I knew the agreement I made. I was told from a medium that the slime on me is from my female ancestors. My daughter worked on that lot. Like rape hasn't come up in my life. Not me personally. They wanted me to walk thru the system and King Counties abuse of power with that HIPPA form victimizing your victims. Talk about slavery, I don't think so. Get this shit off my rock. On top small print, emotions and spirituality. I believe it's number 9 that I may only pray within a religion. I do not think so. It tells U your rights but in order to get service U have no rights. Fuck U.

From 5 to 8

Rainier, Oregon Clackamas County

A man with a man body and dog head a staff in his hand. Pointy nose he'd stand outside my window and look down at me with one eye. 

A Native woman on my bed, long black straight hair and a doe skin dress arm extended to me. My sister said she had her on my bed. Finally got a hold of her recently. She told me that yes as a child she always had something standing in her room. I knew she was a SEER. Truth Seeker.

A huge wolf that sits on it's ass and can stand upright. First it was a shadow of a wolf sitting there. Arms on elbows staring at me. One night my whole room lit up I was 7 to 8. It was coming from my closet only now he's not a shadow, he's all white with red little girls in red dresses with red hair and red bows hanging all over him.

Castle Rock

My cousin screamed one night because a Hell's Angel was looking in her window. I saw the shadow of a wolf.

Toutle River

My whole family is camping and motor cycle riding. I'm sleeping in a hatchback with 2 of my younger cousins. I wake up and there is a blond woman with a messy pony tail, t-shirt and zip up sweatshirt. She was knocking on the window, or making the signal of knocking waving me to come over and open the window. I did not.

Third Grade we moved again. Every year we moved. Still Cowlitz county. Pea Green house. My school Barnes Elementary. I had the red room with a red carpet. This time it's a man whittling wood standing between closet and doorway. Some nights Id get up and look out the window in the sky on my left a rainbow egg is floating in the sky facing North. When I'd escape to get in bed with my sister it was a black shadow at the door.

Still 3rd grade we moved again, same county. Different house. Olympic Grade school. Like Greece hasn't come up in my lifetime. I don't really remember anything in my room. One more move with just my mother and me for the summer. Black shadow was the watcher here and actually we moved again back to king county still the black shadow 4th grade. Highlands Elementary. Yes I am a Highlander.

Shadows Of The Night/PB

We moved on the other side of the block the summer going into 5th grade. Same school. I hated this place. A dirty white duplex. Went to church with my best friend on average twice a week. Forced to go to church with my babysitter at times. Her father a pastor. They spoke tongues. It scared me, especially when bam out of nowhere I get hit with a ear infection. I had to stand up front crying holding my ear while strangers put there hands on me speaking in tongues. Needless to say she was no longer my sitter.

This was the year my brother was in a car wreck, just after my mother screamed at him no you can't come home for Christmas, I wish you'd fucking go off and die. He did. I was standing right behind her.

I had no idea for years what these things were. At the time Gwen's mom told me if you think a demon is there it is there. I would scream in the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you. I had watched a movie called the Sentinel from early 70's. This woman had black beings walk out of her wall's. I chalked it up to that. It's in my imagination from that movie or it's demons.

They had spindly legs and arm's. some short, some tall. They'd crawl around my room. For 2 years I had these thing's. I once again would lay on my side watching them move around, watching me. I'd get a kink in my neck and have to lay on my back and turn my head 2 C them. I'd cross my arms across my chest. I felt like they wanted to stake me in the chest. Then 2 short ones were shaking my bed when I fell asleep watching them.

What About Love/Heart

Now I know why? They are part of the cause of the depressors. The grey's. The grey houses. My grey sports bra sitting vigilance at that red rock where I stuck the staff in the ground. I knew it represented something. Kaphoon, Japan, Mars, My Japanese mother in law raised in Hawaii. Pearl Harbor, and the Girl With the Pearl Earring, Her birthdate 9/11. twins kept coming up. Twin towers and the Israelites. To the big apple, twin towers and ISIS. Wall Street is coming down. 

The 3rd and 4th time I almost drowned another pause in Hawaii. Round top park my 2nd wedding to Greg overlooking 5 main attractions the toilet bowl, another four for me. He didn't notice he was by our friends. He touched my shoulder and laughed. A big Samoan blocked the crack and pulled me up.

We moved again the summer going into middle school. Honey Dew Estates. Still a Highlander. The things standing in my room stopped. I'd wake up a couple times a night for a minute, knowing I had been talking to someone. Someone or something was just here. 

I got woke up one night. I had just cleaned my room. It sounded like a mousses nails scurrying on paper. I turned on my lamp and crawled to the foot of the bed bent my head and shoulders down, I awoke a few hours later, looking at the clock sitting up in bed. My covers up to my waist. All I knew at this point was that my grandma Lily told me my uncle sleep walked. I thought that is what I was doing.

Fall City/Mayan Calendar/2012

My whole room lit up, and my great grandmother showed up in my room showing thru her in red the time 3:16. All dressed in Lavender with a matching head scarf. Cherokee from 12 who married a Navajo. She had a purple book and rosary in her left hand and her right hand in the air. Vietnam war era is what her cloth's reminded me of. I'm screeching pulling away, throwing my pillows through her, trying to get out In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke U. She floated to the door and turned left. She looked over her shoulder to the left at me. I'm still doing my chant, trying to hit my lamp. I turned it on and she was gone.

Then 2 tall grey's showed up on 2 different night's right after. I didn't have to turn around. My 3rd eye opened and I said my JC chant and he disappeared. The next night another one showed up again with a blanket in his hand. I did the exact same thing as the first only I got half way thru my JC chant, and he threw the blanket on my head.

Name of park in Fall City? Quigley Park. I served at Raging River, my trainer a red headed Ariel. I have also been through all my red's in my life. My first meeting to Chair, Fall City, the Rose with a picture of my girls singing at this church for Christmas to my left. Plus I stayed 2 months with a Rose, Fall City. Standing in front of the steps and traditions asking myself, how did I get here? Now I know.

I first spoke in Fall City about what I saw walking thru town, window shopping. My clueless walk. I stopped and looked behind me each step I took there was an explosion. 

I have already written since this agreement the beings that have shown up since I moved here all the weird beings in my house, people travelers, old souls, Aliens. To think I said in 3rd grade wouldn't it be great if I took the Alien's to the white house and introduced to the President?

The 

God Gave Me U/BS

 Well so many list, so little time. They obviously have been going over, Greg and my mom, like every scene of these 2 taking my time and energy for granted, creating more demands. Having me give away my things. These two just coming along and stealing from me. Ruining my character and good name. Truly these 2 are copy cat's. Just both playing games and abandoning me. Selling my stuff. Nit picking the fuck out of me. The grapes of Wrath is right. Making jokes when I'm serious. Raised as an object, then being treated like I'm a possession nothing more. Every time it was my day, Greg ruined it, my mother B4, and Elaine. All compulsive liars and blamers.

Love Story/TS

Then more list, all the times I stood in front of God, then JC. At least that's what then.

When and where these beings showed up and disappeared.

The end of my dreams I never knew I had, and all those vivid dream's I never forgot. Now that I've been back over these standing next to God screaming, punching him in the arm, screaming no no I don't want to go back. Halloween 2016. 3 dreams. My first time coping on this journey but now I understand them. Pretty much all of them/

My flowers where and when I discovered my flowers.

My wardrobe

My diet

my colors

my colors of houses

Total Eclipse Of The Heart/BT

How they taught me slowly over time

All those beings standing in my room from beginning of life thru 6th grade

My flashes I'd get on and off, sequentially so. Years and years apart.

The location the first time I played sequence, the names of the people. Aunt Mary, blue eyed Jack and Dave and it was my chair that broke that night.

Making a list of what other mediums have told me in my life, the ones that were real that is.

When I took my first communion and when I was saved and where.

5 years old Adam's county, my grandma Catherine gave me my first cross with the lords prayer.

First time at Christian Church age 3 my cousins Kimm and James, On and off for a few years then fourth thru 9th grade. Some things didn't make sense and I couldn't relate to the bible and I find out all these big books of hope are about me.

2012 Mayan calendar Fall City

Names I heard in the beginning, first I applied it to people I know here with the names and situations from the past, like conversations and with who and when? All those short conversations I had with people in my past, family then friends, then History. Then further and further out to the planets and stars.

Connect Four, yes I connected the 4. I played war with my girls with connect 4 to teach them strategy, focus. It's the four horsemen. I have been thru all my numbers in my life.

The names and I heard in the beginning.

Abuse and slavery? Who really pays?

 Thunder/ID

Good song. Been awhile once again since I have written. I laughed the last day I tried to force myself to, March 31, 2022. It was blank. I just didn't even know where to begin anymore, at that time. Maybe my hands weren't functioning. Who knows anymore. Been taken back thru my whole GodDamned life someone is alway's making me pay. Just for walking away. Not alowwed to speak or defend. 

Lose Yourself/eminem

Want what I have. Then they just come in and take it. Take everything. When I said the second prayer from the heart after my first councelor, My verbage, not being disrespectful, at a loss for this controlling psycho behavior. Then the threats, for nothing, thinking they own me, they have a right to control me. They have the right to make me pay every step of the way. Then they punich take. Destroy your character, and credit.

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark/FOB

Then I marry a man, yhe exact same behaviors and characteristics. Talk about highway robbery. Brothers, codes and doors. The Bleeding hearts blocking Rana's door. All those years, all that time, all those lies of once again, no logic. Being shown how I handed him a journal to write down his emotions after Quigley lost his leg, telling him it's important to purge your emotions. Being shown how not one time during any emergency. Family emergency, auto emergency, personal emergency, misscarriages, and almost miscarriages, pregnancies high risk and he didn't lift one finger to help me ever. He did not acknowledge any pain, migraines. Telling me I shouldn't give my children Tylenol during fever and teething at night. My Clue with this was after our divorce a medium told me, do not ask him for anything it gives him power. I didn't understand that then, knowing what I know now?

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked/CTE

Being walked thru Father past and literally every time he was expected to help me, he would just decide no. Literally tell me that. I have been walked thru every time I asked for anything in my marriage with him, I was told no. Being taken thru both of these mentally ill people, including Elaine, None capable of empathy or love. They have been in charge of my life. I have been threatened and black mailed just for sport by Zion and both just sucking the energy out of me with these unrealistic expectations and demands. Then U big brother no defense once so ever. The Grey's the Mayen Calendar Fall City 2012. Blanket justice and blame. First my great grandmother with 3 16 in red showing thru her purple atire from Vietbanm War error, purple book, purple cross in left hand, right hand in air. Now I understand. Then two different nights right after 2 tall greys pop in standing behind me. I didn't have to turn around or open my eyes. I said ICU, ICU standing there. My usual chant, in the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you.

Centuries/Fall Out Boys

Then one to two nights later the second one showed up and I responded and reacted the same way. Only the second one threw a blanket on my head. The depression, the grey's. Twin towers, and Isreal/God Moses slavery for the Israelites. From what I can tell now slavery hasn't ever gone away. Not with all these prejudices, hate and restrictions. Talk about slavery and oppression. Learning from what I can see thru out history slavery has remained consistent in one form or another. Learning why my great grandma Bishop threw away her 7 little Bishops birth certificates, including hers and her husbands. Didn't want her children to be treated like dogs. The clue, the migraines and Lincoln standing in chains. Learning my prayer went from taking on my families burdens and stop this circle of abuse. My second prayer the word circle of abuse and slavery. I hate slavery.