I have no title for this post. I need to type this while I once again am getting stronger. Already I feel my fingers twitching and they are weak. I need to type this out before Michael comes home or is it even Michael? Sounds strange I know. It started out with I'll be damned if I do or damned if I don't. If I am weak I'll still get up, I have to do it during the day anyway. Depending on the stage I am at. With Michael being here I'll try to do things on my own feeling safer to test out my body, am I dizzy and or weak?
He'll get pissed I'm being told I have to stay down, that I am to ask him and he'll get it. Then their is the flip side to that he get's mad if I ask for something. I'll say things when I ask like the next time U get up or I'll compile a list and tell him the list. Usually like a glass of water and or my big girl pull ups. Just small stuff that is a big help. U don't realize how much and how draining it is to just being able to do the basic body functions until U R unable to do them independently.
Depending on another human being for everything takes it's toll on both sides. It's like make up my mind. Which way, up or down? Just tell me or I'm stuck having to walk on egg shells, just stop telling me one thing then he goes in the oppsite direction. At first not telling me. Im expected to read minds. It might seem like I can read minds but as of yet I can't. So far it's the emotion of someone. They may show me something by making me feel and some how see the pain. The purge of emotions.
With Michael I think I am dealing with demon number 3. Today I put it out there to my angles, God, guides. Who knows whose going to answer but I need an answer. Going back to Michael showing any agression was the black wolf demon. I saw the little boy demon already and as a proof of life my POL's I found in writing she starts to C demon's. So far on this journey I've seen 4.
Like this last year I think was the next stage I can't remember if it was the night he tried to suffocate me. I mean literally waking up pinned down by his knees on my shoulders with the pillow pushing against my face. I don't know to this day which part Michael lied to the police about like why he did it? How long he did it for? I would tuck my head down to the side and breathing out of a crack between mattress and pillow. I'm doing a whisper begging for him to stop. He told the police that I was hitting him in his sleep. Even if I was U have the right to defend but are U going overboard. I mean he's much taller and bigger.
What did I learn from this experience after I heard they released him what's the point? What is the point to once again ask for help. I said to the woman U just released my abuser. Well the policeman saw that you had shaky leg's that U likely were drunk and hitting him. All these assumptions and no one came here to ask the victim.
I have to ask let's say I was just stumbling drunk like Michael told to the police, blah blah blah. Michael knew my symptoms and that I'm at the tremors all over my whole body, I'm weak trying to hold mysrlf up. Yes I might stay on my feet but I'm standing wide legged and swaying back and forth all while the major tremors. That's all Michael had to do was mention that scarleyy letter A and I no longer have a voice. I no longer have any truth. It seems every time I open my mouth nothing but lies fall out.
All I did was quietly slide in2 bed on my right side as usual. Fell asleep quickly. I mean I literally just fell asleep. Then later Michael starts grabbing me getting in2 my face hands on my throat threatening me. First it's the roof over my head. He say's I can throw U out right now how would U like that? In this condition yeah I could do that or make one phone call to your daughter and we can go before a judge and have U committed. He's laughing, yeah he's got me cornered.
What would start the bickering was usually this scenario, Michael out of the mother fucking blue would start making small comments to get my ire up. Accusing me of things, and Id ask people, ask not tell him to please stop. Not now Michael I don't want to do this. He will keep going like a child poking and teasing me. It's amazing I still have not exploded. I'd say to Michael everything your accusing mr of U need to look in the mirror.
What he would do is have me in his grip, he's in my face going oh oh oh not one word or I'm throwing U out on your ass. U can sleep outside in the elements. U can go back to living in the woods with the other animals. I mean really, when does the means justify the end? Lately Ive been thinking about susan powers, "stop the insanity."
Then last night Michaels behavior truly did scare me. I mean I had no idea what to do. I don't think I was thinking about this being a demon until early this morning when he said he wanted me dead. He wishes I was dead and that he hates me. Telling me he means it. This is what I mean by abuse of power. Me locked in a corner and like everyone else they want complete ownership of me.
On and off today my mind kept going back to Michael and this crazy behavior. The escalation of the verbal and physical abuse. For a few seconds I was pissed at Michael, like God damnit not another demon. U C yes I can C demons but only if they upstairs want me to C it, the part they forgot is how to dispel a demon. Yes I've been wondering where are my watcher's, my protectors, my guides and that includes my brother sitting at the dining room table. His shadow is elbow's on knees head down. When I saw my brother in 3rd grade he had just escaped juvie. Somewhere he should of never had been,
I'm removed from the house just as I C my step dad taking off his belt. I don't think my brother had ever even met this man. There my mother stands all proud of her man. This is the same pose that Mr. 666 sit's in when he is abandoning me letting me handle a situation that isn't even my issue in the first place. For example Greg's fatal attraction, I find out 4 months later from this jacked up crazy woman ruining our family, our livlihood bcuz truly this is a psycho way to get ayyrntion from your husband. Greg literally said to me it is my responsibilty to get these 2 people in Greg's office to meet with us and Mr.Chan, Greg's boss.
It just never ended. By this time my goals were to once again ge thru this fire then we can just be a family without all this drama and chaos coming down on my head.
Now back to demon number 3, turn's out I was right about who I was seeing inside him? Last time it was a what, this time it's a molevelent man, I know one thing and one thing only that is he wants me dead. I can tell U what he looked like in human form once upon a time. I can tell U his intent and why. What I can't tell U is his name? Where he's from besides hell?
I'd have to say Michael has to know that he's there inside him by now. U should of seen him when he got home. Literally picks a fight with me. Starts digging at nothing, then he turn's around like I'm the one doing this, how he's not going to argue with me. I went to reply to an accusation and the look and the body language was like a crazy Christopher Walken. Well that might be not the best analogy. I mean the crazy Chris hair.
Malevolent is the best word to describe
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