I just don't even no where to begin so much has happened in so little time. Yes I turned to a program with the state for housing. To find out if they have housing for someone like me. Just checking into it. I have a meeting with her this next Thursday. Tyler is going to take me so I can donate all this knew bathroom stuff for someone as disabled as myself. Plus the walker. I was honest. I told her why. Michael's behavior was off the chart's and getting more vindictive.
Simple Man/Shinedown
No I don't want to move. I have bigger fish to fry. I started out in 9th grade saying "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Murphy's law. Story of my life. SOmeone cock blocking me, making thing's hard. Standing in my way of love. Standing in my way of being a normal teen. Hell couldn't kiss a boy without high maintenance Heidi, boo hoo he doesn't like me. He kissed her. Crying loudly going down the hall. I can assure to you, just because you have a crush on him and he's nice to you doesn't mean he is crushing back on you. He is not a possesion, let alone your possesion.
Loser/Beck
That was just the beginning of the relationship's in my life. I have been going back to the dream where it was ending with me walking through a warehouse and everyone in there were making and processing various kind's of flag's. Then at the very end I woke up at the bottom of a landfill and I had to crawl up and out of this hole. I remember thinking around here, another paws moment in my life, why is everything so hard. Why do people keep pulling the rug out from under me. Threatening me. I can't speak or defend myself at someone verbally assaulting me. Threatening me. Then as soon as I go to speak, I get physically assaulted.
First It Giveth/Queens Of The Stone Age
You know once you have that scarlett letter A. You are marked. It doesn't matter how much I turn and walk away no one let's me walk away. Not without making me pay. Like I call the cops. What do they see. That yes I've been drinking. I have said and done nothing towrd someone. Does that mean someone has the right to assault me. Does the punishment fit the crime? Your blanket justice system is done.
Ramblin Man/ABry
That is what happened with Michael a few month's back. I got into bed. Fell asleep on my right side as usual. I literally just fell asleep. I awake with Michael sitting on my chest pinning down my shoulders, His tempurpedic foam pillow on my face. Probably better that the feather or cotton pillow. I at the time didn't understand how I was able to turn my head at times, tucking my chin down to the very edge getting in someair and whispering please stop. I can no longer breath this way. So I'd turn my head in the other direction.
Feelin Alright/JC
It was the give of the temurpedic foam that made it so I could turn my head. He was pushing down and following my head. Yes, I call the cops after he released me. He get's dressed and walk's out the door during my phone call. The police assume I was drunk. Fully coherent. I am weak in the leg's, my balance (equilibrium is off) I'm standing wide legged, swaying back and forth. Because of the weakness of my leg muscles, my muscles are tired and strained from trying to stand, so this is where the shaky leg's happen's.
I KNow Your OUt There SOmewhere/MB
Just with this situation, right here and that scarlet letter. Peoples opinions during and after Greg the attitude is I must of done something to deserve this. She must of been out of control, she doesn't know what she's doing. She's a drunk. Mike said to the police I was hitting him. No I didn't have time to hit him. I could fell asleep on my right and turned to my left and maybe my hand swung around but no I was not hitting him. If I was he knew I was asleep. Since when does someone my size and his get's to turn to murder. I remember everything step by step sneaking into bed quietly, so as not to wake Michael. Yes, I'm weak and shaky. Why all the trying not to wake him with just the shaking alone.
Good Times Roll/Cars
Yes, I was honest with Min why. I have to answer the why's before I apply to even get housing. Is it the right program for me? Which mean's what hoop's do I have to jump through once again? How much more control and down grading do I have to go through once again? Every program with the State you have to be programed to fit in there box of rules. So Min couldn't get a hold of me on Thursday. I told her what I have noticed in Michael lately. This has never happened before in 11 years.
Green River/CCR
I knew I was meeting with her next Thursday to find out more. She couldn't reach me to speak about what I had noticed lately, and she turn's me in to the State for another judge to make a devision on my life and home. That is just it, once big brother get's a hold of you, you have no right's. No rights to even speak.
Baby, I Love Your Way/PF
I know now why people say, no contest? What's the point. I have been buried under ever since I got my divorce. The character assaination alone. The destruction of my life. Everywhere, my children's school, which saw nothing. There was nothing to see. My contractors in my business. My click of friend's I had made here in the valley. My friend's from my past. What I had considered family since like fifth grade. It was deafening. I still had no idea of the set up until the day before my foot surgery. I knew legally Greg couldn't sign me out of my business. For one thing he wasn't smart enough.
Can't You Hear ME Knocking/RS
He literally sold me out. He said when Mary gave him a bill for 12,000 bucks he felt he owed her. Truth is this started the day Greg came home walked into the office where I was sitting at the computer. As usual I work at home in the summer, My goal was to go in in the evening for my yoga people. Then I was going to be in that lobby at that desk while my girls are in school. They tried 2 other times to set me up. They didn't get a reaction. No this had to be done legally. There was no justice system.
Daylight]Shinedown
Your justice system is to slow and it doesn't add up to shite. No I am not standing in front of another judge. I know what V said to me on our walk. My one crazy day or so I thot. She had said whatever Michael does let him do it. Michael is going thru all the stages I have been thru in each long term relationship. Right down to a T. Wow! I have never ever seen so much hate in Michael. I've seen the childish temper tantrums due to his lil demon child. Holding him down and hiding who he really is.
Legendary/Skillet
Is this kid doing him any favors? Not in my perspective, this is why I think when this goes down and at first crash boom bang God is taking people home to heaven. Then for the next 48 hours we go dark. The whole planet. This is the purge. This is where all the past and present God's and souls. Angels Aliens and Demons are going to hit this planet. Their is a number four. The storm. The mother and the whole God Damned family are going to hit this rock. Heaven on earth baby.
No Appologies/PR
In the mean time the timing. This is not a good time for any of this. On Friday I finally got Michael to speak. Aparently when he was talking about 35 thousand feet, I thot dropping me 35 thousand feet and then splat. I hate it when he talks under his breath, making sure I can hear part of it. It is so mother flocking childish. I had texted him on Friday when I got the message from Min that she turned us into the court system.
Lifetime/3 days Grace
Of course her day off of work. I said to Michael now look we once again have big brother up our ass making decisions for us because you couldn't stop this bad behavior. I mean my God telling me you wish I was dead, that you want to kill me? Then I realized he tried already. Going back over his behavior lately. I mean the needling, talking under his breath. Accusing me of doing something if I have any reaction to anything at all. I thot he was in bed one night. I thot the front door was locked. Mike was out front. When he walked in the front door it was loudly. It startled me I screamed. Not out of control. He's accusing me of being high. I'm not and I said that is a normal reaction for anyone.
California Dreamin/DH
Yes, I have been thru this b4. The threats of character assaination. I'm going to call your daughter and tell her your drunk and high. Your out of control and have you committed. I'm going to get you put in a home. I asked him then, why are you doing this? This hate, blame and vindictivness. So he's threatening my roof over my head. He's threatening to destroy me. Like my mother, Greg, Carey, Jim and now Mike. First I'm walking on egg shells. Dmned if I do. DAmned if I don't. If I can, I do. I have already had Mike helping me alot since he got home. Emptying my bucket full of urine and feces. Emptying my puke garbage can.
Had To Know/JC
Cleaning me off. Getting me meds and water. Taking me to the bathroom. Normal care giver stuff. If I can I do. For example if I have to go to the bathroom, he'll get pissed bcuz he's right there. He can help me. Then if I do ask he'll do this big sigh, normally doesn't respond negatively but now he is. I can hear and see the frustration taking care of me. Mike has to do and carry all the laundry. He has to do and carry all the groceries and has had to for over a year. As I'm getting worse so has Mike physically.
MZ Hyde/Halestorm
He has a job he loves. The commute is average and hour and a half each way, but three different types of transportaions it can be hours longer. If he drives, same time. He tries to view any walking he has to do as an oppurtunity to move. That's what I did B4 I used my walking to get to bus stop to bus stop. All I did was stretch my hips and I just kept moving. Stopping I might not get started again.
Royal Blood/Light's Out
I know one thing I don't need big brother up my ass now. I'm having a hard enpugh time just to keep up my own proof of life. I know one thing neither Michael nor I can move now. We are supposed to be together. Looking at his behavior step by step I even told him on Friday this is classic abuse behavior. The accusation's, the egg shells, the threats of destruction of my character. The proof and blame game. Threats of destruction. Living back on the street's, which I know is not an option.
Rest In Peace]Dorothy
Wow! The hate, the vindictivness. Been here done this many times over. The control. No defense, not allowed to defend or speak. Then get's physical. Truly it doesn't even have to be physical. I just can't believe everything I have been writing about, and living thru, all my God Damned life is threats and attacks of destruction. Right down to ruining my credit at the beginning of my life, which held me up from building even more credit. All because I tried to set a boundary. What happen's I take the blame for someone elses behavior who is wondering what the fuck is going on with our mother?
The Liars Club/CC
I mean I had been gone 6 days a week. Getting up early coming home late. I had no idea the destruction my mother was causing just for trying to set a boundary. So I don't hate my first job, all these demands over and over. My sister was like all this because you tried to set a boundary. Their goes my car, my wardrobe all that I had aquired to get to school, just ot make me suffer and pay. My sister tried finding the medical bills I believe a total of 3 dollars.
Blow/Eva Under Fire
Yeah I know something is brewing and coming closer, just by both mine and Michaels physical capabilities and limitations. He never knows what he's going to come home 2. Me siitin in my own urine, bcuz I can't lift my hip sockets or move my leg's to make it to the John. I can just see it, people thinking my blood is going to cure them, and I can't even heal myself. U do know woth the weakening of the muscles, the heart is a muscle. I can just see and hear Greg and my mother I am to blame. I did something to bring this on myself. I deserve this. No one deserves a delilibating disease. On top of cancer. Heart Disease, and so much more. Would I wish this on anyone at the moment friwnd or foe? No
Worst Is On It's Way]Korn
I know it's not proof red yet. More important to write while I can.
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