Maniac

 Maniac that's how I feel at this moment. Dancing needing to write. Sweat sparaying around me. I'm so amped up as my wings spread, as I figure out what's happening with my body vs. what's happening in the universe. I sometimes feel like the Blues Clues guy. With my note book in hand, connecting the dot's, feeling like I'm in a game of Clue. Who did it? Truth vs. blame all this confusion today. All this Chaos.

Paradise By The Dashboard Light/ML

Just on my body alone today, what am I currently? I'm off balance. Physically completly off balance. At the start I kept seeing the Tao sign. The black and the white waves. I'm saying to them, so I'm a lil Tao. What is Tao? Balance. What is Greg's birth sign? Libra and scales. No we had absplutley no balance in our marriage. We started out in California with a lil black dog I named Trident. I named the white Maltese Wrigley. U can't have balance in a marriage that started out as a lie. In this family that can't stop the party. All this packing and hauling. Being the designated driver. All these years of take, no credit. This family did nothing but place a value on me. All along no credit. Turning a blind eye when I fall. I mean everything at a cost all this deflection and blame. The compulsive lying. Sitting with our second marriage councelor and catching Greg in a lie 2 sentences later. How he doesn't mind helping me when he has to help pick up toys no at first whatever in the other direction He does mind. I got him red handed this time. The councilor stops and says yeah Greg which is it? Later I thot to myself what is the point going if the whole time he's going to lie. Were going to get no where. Besides I got my answer.

The Warrior Scandal

I remember in the first 2 months reading on the sign it said Warrior number 2. I'm thinking all along, so my job is to look for Warrior number 1. Just who is Warrior number 1. Does he or she know what's coming up. R they prepared? Is any one prepared? Clues, to discover it's me. Going on a journey to find myself. Clueless doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Kevin met a old man who said well make up my mind, which way do I go?

LOve Is A Battlefield/PB

This is the second song that is playing in my head. The first was Hell Hell Is For Children. I refused to let it play. I can't say the next song was any better. It was Love Love Is A BAttlefield. This just happened to be the day I got out of one of your boxes. My Best friend is mad at me bcuz I'm coming back alone to the lot where I put the staff in the ground. Cyn wouldn't let Keith drive me back. She's punishing me, she's just another mother in my life worried. Fire works are going off behind me. I'm stomping back. Back pack on my back. Feeling a staff in my hand, just walking not breaking any laws. Here comes a policeman, I recon more profiling. Another potential liability. Just checking in. I have good intentions.

Good intentions of what? Stomping all over my Civil Rights just to be walking. He say's Colleen where are U headed? Take note their was no animosity on either side of the table. For me it was just another day of come waht may, living in acceptance. Not knowing what's going to happen once I cross that thresh hold?

I have been taken back to every time Greg said no to me. It literally was any time I asked for anything. It didn't matter what it was. Back to his first time accusing me of doing something that absolutly did not happen. Going back to him I don't even know what to call it. Holding something over my head just throwing in a curve ball. Let me C I'm a grown ass woman, in a safe envoronment. I get taken back to a party where Gwen is at. Well I mixed my red's and whites together. I'm not that experienced.

Greg say's he's going in his room to study for the rest of the night. Yes I'm sick. Duh! No I'm not minimizing. Here I am with a man who the first time I met him at a gathering of friend's. Alcohol. First conversation with his mother. Doesn't even have coat off and she's got that martini made and in hand. I truly didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of the full liquor cabinet. The every friday night and holiday, party at Elaines.

Crimson And Clover/JJ and Black Hearts 

Being taken back to the blame and control. The unreal expectation and this family determining her value. Even her value to eat. by mom said to me once about her fathers parent's wouldn't cross the street to feed their son or sons family even if U were starving. Now I know from this journey, that it's because he married my grandmother, a full blooded native woman. Realizing that they

 had another son in my grand daddies family my brother, uncle Bud married a my grandma Lily's sister. I guess he was outcast to.

Total Eclipe Of The Heart/BT

Yeah those scales, we have scales of justice. No balance. Actually no justice system. No defense, no voice. I may only speak after I go to this box. I already have to establish my innocense B4 I can speak. I do it. Once again another box that is making decisions for me. I didn't ever need anyone to make a decision for me. Oh yeah, the very man I'm trying to escape, the manager of the place after speaking to Greg that yes he should be here. My 2 councilors even told her U can't let him in, we don't know what it is yet but we do know it has something to do with him. But this woman is the boss so she gives the final answer. A man that has clearly been proven in my marriage he wouldn't lift a finger to help this woman.

If she's lying on the floor and dying he'd flat out ignore me. Step right over me turn a blind eye. I no longer exist. I'm useless. He found what he's looking for, a woman that he can string along and flirt with because he sold out his wife he thought Mary was going to makehim rich. U talk about a man that did nothing absolutley nothing in this marriage for this long haul of a marriage. God has shown me just how much I was carrying just to keep this roof over our head. Yeah I worked for free. To save money on taxes. Where ever I turned just to speak about what's really happening the answers are always well I'm sure it's just U. U must of did something. U should do this. U U U. I didn't believe in blame, I believed in balance and solutions. U have no idea what I went through being married to a man who is doing no acknowledgment about what he had just done.

He locked me literally in chains in a box hearing now him and mary have decided. for example as he doles out his punishment at the same time my next assignment of what him and mary have decided like I'm going to get up 7 days a week now because I'm not bringing in a income. They have shown me how this man started long ago punishing me, making me pay, deciding the factors. Blatantly telling me when Alex is 7 months crawling sitting sticking things in her mouth or that outlet.

I call him thinking oh he probably just forgot. I'm okay light hearted and speaking to him, his answer was that it's my job now. R U fucking nuts? Could U at least tell me what my job is ahead of time so our daughter doesn't kill herself. I'm shocked, stunned in to silence.

Timeline's

Greg is not only telling me when I need to get off the phone. Making his grand statements as he walks through the kitchen like he's got a white glove on. I am just ignoring his demands, his out burst. What I'm doing wrong I over spent getting a bag of lettuce. I wasted money. Take note Greg knew nothing about money. That's how I ended up with all the responsibility. They have shown me since day one of being pregnant All I'm trying to do is enjoy myself. That is it. Enjoy my pregnancy and the birth of my first daughter, this man and family are just doing everything they can to blow it.

My first real timeline was the day of Greg going back 2 work I look down and I realize I can't leave her. I can't let someone else give her her walking feet. So I figure it out financially in reality I'd be handing over my pay check to daycare. We because well remember Greg just had to sell his car. I no longer had any right's to my car either. 

I told Greg the truth of that I thot I could leave her. I explained one car baby commute and well everything boils down to money with this guy. He just put a timeline on me, as well as finally admitting that all he did was play for 3 years. Making decisions, huge decisions with his friends which impact us finanacially. realizing on this journey all the while he is making decsions with his friends not his wife. Changing from 4 years and he will work in summers on breaks whatever. He's being fired or just quit the second job after I invested 350 dollars all the while getting out of any kind of work.

I'm stunned what are U gonna do after U play for 3 years. OMGOD! Did I really just hear that. Going back to all 4 sets of my keys and the timing of that. I would go in the office and open it take phone calls schedule appointments, setting up of the office, scheduling walk ins. It was during this time that I keep going back to get more keys made. Getting ready to walk out door to take my kids to daycare, I reach up for my keys and gone. Once again gone. For years same habit walk in front door and hang my key's on the key rack to the right.

What they are showing me is the timeing of this. Talk about sabatoge. When they said sabatoge U have no idea. If U think it was the disappearing key's? Fuck no. Why would anyone who does nothing but preach money prevent me from going in to the office to get us started cock block me? Prevent me from even being able to get inside. Three times I had to call fire department. I finally look in this empty bag and all my keys are there.

King's Dust In The Wind

I hate it when this happens having a good morning, finally finally able to blog, when I want to pace stretch get my hips then body moving doing tai chi yoga some kinda funk as I connect and move my body with the beat of the music. Letting the music feed my emotions but no I have to write what I know so far 

I Guess They Cakk It The Bkues EJ

First my fingers arehard to move. I'm totally hitting the wrong keys I'm twitching, in my head left side tingling and popping all around eye too. Pain in my Jaw and heart, My face the whole left side of my body going weak and numb. For once it's been so long since I could type. I haven't smoked in hours, nothing. It's came on hard and fast. Once again I don't know what to do, Sumatriptan, I'm on my last one. Ibuprufen pain med what? 

Promises in the dark/PB

I've been definately put on a timeline, Now with my mouth and I have more red tape. Going to the right doctor to get the referral. Getting the referal, more wait time. 10 business days to process. Then on average with any specialist a minimum of another 2 months. It's getting worse blister on tongue now a red dot all the while my body is doing this stroke muscles weakening I've got to get this down. Infection, Pain in ear coming from jaw going into my heart. Is it the big C? Their point is some of us can't do this red tape again.

Michael told me last night he wishes I were dead. I'm looking at him, I said wow. Thinking it's not like you haven't tried. I mean who regardless of the reason tries to suffocate someone with a pillow? He's nit picking me, accusing me, not looking at himself at all when hr's doing this. I don't or haven't butonce again I go to speak. He's in my face grabbing me by the throat telling me if I say one word back defending myself, hell kill me. Hell throw me out on the street's how would I like to be thrown out on the streets in this condition.

Once again I'm locked in with I have no idea what this is inside him now.