That is fitting. Before this "With Arms Wide Open then I'll Be There." As usual blog won't download. Every time I have to re-sign into my Microsoft account and as usual my passwords don't work and I have to reset. You have no idea the emotions I had yesterday, then I'm rolling along in my mind.
Yesterday morning another walk through on my childhood in Rainier Oregon. On the playground I'd roam around sometimes alone at the perimeter of the fence watching the other kids play. Surveying the woods on the outside of the schoolyard. Finally it hit me as they walk me through scenes, the things I pondered sometimes. Analyzing how someone else feels. All of a sudden I'm like what? What was I like six and seven years, pondering life? What was I some kind of Buddha?
Witchy Woman by Eagles
Before this it was cosmic, universal thought, then slammed back to Rainer Oregon. Then I get taken to Japan, my mother in law, her birthdate and that Hiroshima bomb. Wow! You all fucked up here because they keep bring me back to this. I try to pay attention and document as often as I can remember what my hands do as they are speaking. If I get interrupted sometimes it takes awhile to remember what hand gesture correlated with what subject? My hands for the first time clicked my square stone ring, with my silver band. Just before I noticed I was using my left finger tips circling the palm of my right hand.
Right Down The Line
I said "getting a bit deep are we?" I realized my knuckle ring was gone and I used it, for the rhythm, the trot of a horse? Clip Clop. One Two. At times faster, like running horses. The third ring lost so far.
In My Life
Then I'm angry because I don't know who I am, who am I supposed to be? I must of been a naughty girl in my past life to be here, or am I just buried deep? I mean I am the one standing here, amazed I'm still alive after what the hospital once again missed. I get angry at what the storyline would of been? Instead I wasn't drunk, or drugged up, Just coming home to rest and not live underneath someone else's guidelines and rules. My pancreas and I could not breath. Keep taking more of those pills Colleen? Not even a glance, because I am unworthy now to even be diagnosed and allowed to live as a pain free life of my choosing, not theirs. Those deep coma sleeps all this time after? Not worthy to breath and not worthy to eat.
Far Behind
I knew it was not going to be a easy day with M being home. Turned out to be half true. Of all days, Michael wakes up to tell me he had this awakening? His passive aggressive behavior over the years, it just dawned on him how bad he really was? I literally turned my head and looked up to the left and said once again. I hate you every minute of everyday for this. This is what you hand me, of all days? Michael wants to do another ninth step. Even though its not about using its about his past behavior. That inner demon child. That wall that holds him down.
He starts out "okay, you know how you hate it when I validate to you after you have already spoken? I'm going to have to that again? My answer stop validating, action Michael. Like I don't know. Like I haven't said just this over and over, to each man is a matter of fact. Passive aggressive behavior is not love. In front of someone or behind. This ego and entitlement I see in every walk of life today. So much revenge and spite for no reason. To show face and be a coward basically.
Then he starts working on me, my hip socket and I already said, I took Tramadol and it turns me off cold. I can't feel nothing. I'm already angry at this re-hash. No I did not let him get away with nothing. I lost it. Especially when he announces he took a Molly. Mike on Molly are you fucking kidding me? What is it with these drugs? My rage rolled. After all we have been through and he does not get it?
Now I have Michael trying to get his inner child fed, in a more nurturing way. That the demands went on and on. Could you use this on my scalp, could you work on me here? Literally after I just got done saying how I feel guilty I can't work on him because of this left arm tendentious lately. Pushing with my right, and I feel pop in my left arm. I am pissed. Michael has somehow rigged me into this bullshit again.
Tequila Sunrise
Then he goes and cleans the bathroom. Look what I did? What is this approval bullshit you need constantly? Earlier I had been trying to tell Michael a story of me standing in front of the three bears. Actually it was the big Daddy. The last one. Once again, he's off on his bear story that I have heard before? Then it is how he took authority of the situation? I'm fuming. This happens everyday with every one. To wrapped up in themselves to actually learn something.
Not Even The Trees
Michael has to always talk about being in authority. How he took charge? Then it hit me? Standing in front of those bears. I had no authority. I knew that each time. I was not the one in charge. These are their woods. Bear and tiny woman standing in the forest, who do you think is gonna win. I know one thing it ain't me. Nor did I ever choose to be in authority. Who would ever want to be in charge today?
Then the next epiphany hit me last night, analyzing Michaels behavior and what I was looking at? One of my turn off's with Michael as well as other men. I watch them with the animals, the dogs. Do they have to be in charge? How do they have to be in charge? Why would someone want to be in charge? I said this to Michael, once you train those little dogs, they just follow along. Know your signals.
Jumper
How can Michael be in charge? When Michael doesn't even know himself? Then I took the thought to a bigger element. Houses and what goes on inside them, vs. what they allow others to see on the outside? I realized humanity is more concerned with the outside then they are inside themselves and their homes. God or The Lord, JC, some days I'm not sure. I have a safe place with him to vent my rage at all this enlightenment. I haven't even gotten to the parts in the bible about false witness and the whole piling on of the lies and how we jump on board, like a pack of dogs because its easier to follow than to lead. That just popped in my mind.
Angel
Yes up there, I'm still not happy with all this B.S. that still sits upon my plate. Being stuck because of a system living with a man I do not love, not the way he wants me to. The way I used to, I recon. He said, he misses my affection? The way I used to come curl up, on our down time. The way I used to just walk up and touch him? I caught myself making excuses, then I said it. "Okay Michael, it's absurd. It's all absurd. Your childish behavior all these years. Your wanting everything so simple, so you don't even try. The ego and lies you told yourself that whole time. Now once again you want to tell me about your character defects and how you are now aware they are affecting you in your life. I have been telling you everything you need to know this whole time and because of your walls you won't let go of your fear. After all this time you now tell me you are more broken than you thought even you knew you were. You want me to hang out, wait and help you get through this? After all this time? Come what may and I feel horrible but I am done with second and third chances.
Sunshine On My Shoulders
I continued with how can you be in charge of anything when you dont have the courage to look inside yourself? God and when it dawned on me Judgement time? He gave me answers not blame Michael.
Flashdance
Then I told the 3 boats and the drowning man? God is your creation, who are you to choose how they show you the answers you want. BTW you know something about everything, here I stand you wont turn off that phone and stop trying to control everything. Michael somehow everuthing I saw I realized later, oh I already went through it, and Michael who was standing next to me showing me the end of those dreams?
Then as I sat outside I had to ask myself, what is it that I lack? Is it Faith I'm lacking after all this time?
Then oh boy did the answers come.
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