Fucking computer. Well not this machine, so much as the hookup to get anywhere. Slow running and I lose my patience. I get in a groove, ready to vent my emotion of my discovery as I move along
and it will not download my blog. This internet service sucks yet had to sign a contract. Yesterday my cable shut off four times. Just shutdown and rebooted itself. I so can't wait for this dependence on all thus technology to go. All these passwords, guideleines and well contracts we have to sign that no matter the service we are gonna pay. Even if it is them who dropped the ball. It's okay it's the system. Who ya gonna blame when it's the system? The creator of goods, service and well warranties and contracts to your returns. How much you gonna pay? How much is your time worth just trying to get one part on your return?
None of it helps my mood. Reading through Revelations again last night, even the different versions say different things, yet when you put it together it is correct. God really is a profit. In one way it started with the food and just one part of this nightmare is the food. The ending of the food chain. Who's the hunter and whos the game?
What Is And What Never Should Be
When I came into this mess, I was the baby sister doing whatever bidding was asked of me for some family? Yet, I write about being God's wife. I get it I feel it. When I talk to JC he is my God. No matter how I shake a stick at it he is Gods appointed Son, the true shepherd. He has given me a safe place to lose it. Like I do with Michael and I used to do with Alex. Just stand, spiral vent get it all out. I discovered when I shout something in the middle of one of my rants the answers come along. All this proof of life. Hell I'm practically a virgin myself reading all these books.
Cities On Flame by Rock and Roll
Then you try to have it sink in "hey wait a minute these books, all these books, all these centuries are actually about me from beginning to end? My family is that family? My children really are His children? Somehow or another all this is about my husband and who my husband really is? You bet I'm all up in his shit, flock this and flock that." You bet your sweet ass I want it all to go away. "What layer of hell am I at today? You go from rainbows to mushroom clouds? These are not my happy days, I can tell you that."
We Are The Sultans
Take a hike will you? Yet everywhere I turn, right down to Walt Disney, it's about me. Right down to the age of my first stain? That prick at fifteen. Romantic right? NOOOOOOO!!!!!I want to shake it off too. Talk about skeletons in my closet? From every sect? One of everything you say? Then I start to just watch T.V. and the timing of these shows? Then I'm right back to, oh no you don't get back here. Yes at times I eat crow, I know this Lucy's got some splainin to do here somewhere along the way. Yet their are days is all this education and enlightenment, I'm like no you don't." I just watched most of American Gods let's just say I know how Shadow Moon feels. Who is who and what the flock is what?"
Life In The Fast Lane
My emotions move me through this "Cement Paradise Of Hell." You know last night, it started to sink in a little more. "Wait a minute hold your horses, if I re-call that God? That's the God we have all been talking about? It started to sink in further who is sitting on that throne? I was more concerned with my X and why is he bowed down with his head on the ground? Why am I screaming for his life?
Have A Drink On Me
What did this guy do that was so wrong? I mean my God this is the father of my children? Somehow I missed inside me that "hey Colleen you should be asking "why your standing in front of God in the first place?" I think I was cavalier about that part.
It started to sink in further "wait a minute, this is God? If I re-call I always seem to be begging God for someone's life. Really? It says here in these books that you are Him?" JC I mean. I clued into that long ago. I mean who the flock else would come here and take these beatings and the abuse that has been doled out over the centuries? The slavery. I just didn't expect it to say the same words I see and use in my writing. That ego? Yes the five realtionships and never chosen due to the behavior of an outsider. Each time asked to carry the load of someone else's behavior for the sake of the children. Yet each father were the ones who wouldn't man up or hardly put out for that fact. That's not pillow talk either.
Hotel California
For example with Carey. Three years and he would not take care of Carols bullshit behavior toward his daughter and the pressure she put on her. Carol and her sister would sit her down and tell her how I broke up the marriage. For one, so not true. I said to Carey, the emotional damage that does to her, then she has to come here and live with me? Try to not over step her mothers spite for me in my own home? Try being the teenage daughter stuck in the middle of this mess and your father is sitting on his hands waiting for Carols behavior to go away? Instead of manning up and at least taking his daughter until she could behave and not take her shit out and unrealistic expectations on her daughter. That is not a father. Everyone suffered because he wouldn't man up.
Sweet Emotion
Three years is a long time to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry, with no acknowledgement or respect. A few words when someone whom is asking you a question is not respect, especially when I am the adult expected and being the good adult for someone else whom isn't even my child is slavery. Unrealistic expectations on my love and time right up front if you ask me. Yet he never did. Yes he tried again after I left to get me back. I said no. Then I find out the truth behind him and his new gal and it's instant replay once again. So Carey as a cheater, "What's good for your goose, isn't good for her gander all over again? That relationship another "thank you God for unanswered prayers."
All Along The Watch Tower
Instead I am living with a man cutting his twelve year old daughters food. Placating that lazy behavior. He literally allowed her to campout on the sofa for two weeks at a time and do nothing but play video games day and night. Twenty four seven no one else could use that television. Pretty unrealistic don't you think? Allot to ask for no returns on thank you's, or I'm sorry's. For some reason even Carey decided that for me from someone else. He actually said don't worry about it and they were huge I'm sorry's needed to be said. Men expect me to be respectful and as I can see I was and they were not. He expected my six and eight year old to rinse and put their dishes in the dishwasher, not his daughter. Hell he cut her meat still and she did not ever do the pile of dishes she donated to. I did and my children too. I might not of paid the rent, yet I bought and prepared the food and Carey never had a cleaner house. No one had to do anything. I even served and prepared the food on the trips we took for his rally races to help him save money for his hobby I couldn't even participate in.
House Of The Rising Son
I started to notice over time it did not matter the income, I had to be in charge of something to make things cheaper on them. Even my own birthdays every time. I had to be the understanding one if it got canceled or I had to provide the work to pull it together. That is if I wanted it bad enough I had to do my part. They always had something more important than me. I always had to be the understanding one. It worked to their advantage in any relationship because I have naturally pitched in and lent a hand to anything asked or not.
Run Like Hell
No I don't hold it over anyone's head. It's part of being a good person. a nice person. Yet good people are the ones that are to be taken advantage of. When something doesn't go right they have someone else to blame. Predator and prey in just about every kind of relationship. Who doesn't want more bang for the buck nowadays? Isn't that what we all eat up? The promise of someday? When you've done enough? If you are worthy enough? How much is it really costing us? At the cost of what and who?
Carry On Wayward Son
I even got yelled at by mother for my eighth birthday party. I didn't even ask for it. She just got the recipe for a orange cake and at the time orange cake was my favorite. She made me a orange elephant cake. I know the elephant and the number eight in the angel book? Another girl named Karen found out and wanted to come. Her mother called my mother to ask if she could? My mother was embarrassed and needed someone to yell at. I mean she sent me to school with the invites. No I didn't play games and hand them out in front of others to hurt anyone's feelings. I get yelled at before school one morning. Do you really think I even want a party now?
Another Brick In The Wall
Retribution is what I hear now. I'm not sure if I ever used that word in a sentence before this blog? I'm reading through theses books and God gets to the point in the end. As a human and a mother my rudeness radar is going off? Then I'm looking at JC, The Lord or whatever I call him now? Asshole really comes to mind. "You married me off to this? All this power and all this energy. This ego everyone talks about. The high expectation without the compassion of who brings what to his table?"
Oh Hell no I'm not trying to be God. I have no issue with what God or his family ask of me. Well that's not completely true. I have no issue, yet walking through this and finding the Truth in these books, and well the last trip for Kiley was in Europe of all places? Talk about inspiration right? The other a wedding? NOOOOOOO!!!! I have no issue with God being my creation, and I do serve him, not the way you all think as usual. Then it hit me.
Paint It Black
He is so right for this expectation. Why would you ever think it is okay to bring God tainted food? In the beginning standing before God as his daughter not clueing in just who this was? Yelling at my brother so I thought. Dealing with either parent when they are angry? You learn when to run? In every life. As it was sinking in "hey I'm Gods daughter?" I'll just bet we have had a few go around's. Celestial parental go around's doesn't sound like a fun place be. Especially being clueless. What daughter doesn't know when to take cover when seeing your parents lose it? With Dad's anger it is kind of like I just want to be a fly on the wall kind of thing. Well Mother Mary (aka. Mother natures emotions) I could see myself sitting like a egg or a rock on the ground. curled in a ball, my hands clasped over my head, like take cover, she's gonna blow.
Joan Crawford
Then here I am!!!! Are you kidding me? It says right here in these books, The King is coming back this time? God in him? That egg head? That man that I thought was gonna be you? His precious prince of a son? God in all His Mighty is going to be in that man? All that tyrannical behavior? By whose good grace I'm still alive? I have thrown a few fits along the way. Looking at JC all I gotta say is "at this level at this human level, you had better be filtering my ass." Even you as Him, different yet the same, even I know the difference in all that. Now literally one in the same is God?
Paranoid
Then I sound so ungrateful myself, that God's plan is to come and take his wife back, somehow through me, which I think is you, yet that man is my king and he's the real deal? ARE YOU NUTS? That clueless man is the Zero King? The name of the coat I slept on and wore for a couple months out there? That clueless man is the Zero King?
Blue Collar Man
Once again what am I chopped liver? Felt this a few times already, five to be exact. So many Fives and all I hear is "I'm half way there? What am I half way to? What is up with all these ladies in white dresses? What's this I here about a bride and a wedding? You marry me off and expect me to trust you after all this? Playing both sides of the fence aren't you? I see you've covered your ground pretty well. You marked your territory and you expect me to know what to do with all this? To trust you?
Twilight Zone
My fear inside as being a mother and discovering all these people are my babies, and all along I'm actually worried about compassion for others in God's judgement of others? I know, who am I right? Truth is after this we are all going to be higher beings just in truth alone. As a mate to any being you know what I'll just say unisex.
Gimme Three Steps
Male or female. some more than others, some just right in the middle I'll say unisex because I don't care and you are all little beasties inside and it has been getting oppressed. The shame in sexuality and the labels. Seeing the lies behind the truth in anything? Changes ones perspective in a much bigger way. You should try it some time. This acceptance thing is lots of fun. So much its a real killer. Badaboom! As a lesser being in all this, I have to ask, how am I supposed to feel safer, not knowing if I'm walking through a trap door? Coming from a clueless human being? I have to explain how to trust higher beings hooking up? These humans have to put their faith in this human? Good times. Good Times. Dynomite! Sarcasm, I use sarcasm here.
Renegade
Politics, those that are in politics truly doing the best to their abilities to serve their people with out having to use the blanket system in writing humanities rights to a life off? A right to a quality life of your choosing and still have the right to eat and love freely? Without that dollar sign and legal system determining your value? The blanket system in religion so many people who are trying to serve are getting buried under with all these guidelines and injustice on humanities life? Slavery to feed a machine.
I thought about it earlier,our service men and policeman are policing something they don't know. How dangerous is that? Then you know discovering "Oh this is about judgement day along with destruction. " It turns out I figured out that generation gap? The Beginning and the end. The Alpha The Omega, and in my writing I started out with seeing a yin and yang. Two halves of a whole that is not a straight line. Even in the dark you have light. It really doesn't matter the whose in the what's as long as you have heart in the choices you make in feeding others?
Hey You
Then it sunk in more God is The Beasty Of all energy. Five realtionships and I aborted my first born and I did converse with God. Take it back I'm not ready. I gave over my first born son to God on faith not religion. Looking back I'm not sure I could of been able to work and survive that pregnancy. By seven weeks I looked four months and my Size B cups were a large C. I had no energy. I mean that deep deep fatigue.
Up Around The Bend
I decided bring a child in to suffer, or let it go early on? Less pain all the way around. It might of been Gods child yet it is my body, and I knew from nursing school this little bean is a blob, the size of a quarter.
I'm Burning
I told my boss about my second pregnancy early because I wanted to be honest. I did not plan this. Not like this. We hadn't even purchased a house yet. I feared being pregnant again and how quickly I was showing before and I had to explain the fatigue. I didn't want my boss to find out later and accuse me of doing this on purpose. I feel honesty is the best policy so I don't leave them in a lurch either. For the next seven months that woman made my job miserable. I had no choice but to stay, I needed the insurance and well at four months my Obstrition wanted me to quit work completely. We compromised on part time, and I lied to her and kept moving. Bills to pay fingers to cross. Along with my legs.
Dream On
Looking back each pregnancy, I didn't even come close to laying around. Not even on my days off was I catered to or cared for by Greg or his family. Each child, I had to deal not only with my mother in laws childish behavior and rejection, with all her games. My own husband did everything he could do to make me miserable and unworthy to have children. He made it as hard as possible for me to enjoy my children before, during and after. The food, the heat and any job I did with my own two hands he hounded me and nit picked me.
Sunshine Of Your Own
Then I deliver Kiley and he locks himself in the back for three days. I'm giving Ki a bath in her infant tub at the kitchen sink. He opens the door and announces to me "I am not to bathe Kiley, that for now on he will do her bathing." Yeah right. I said, "no Greg I am bathing my daughter, it is three days and it is perfectly fine." Not that I should of had to explain any of this or put up with his high handed behavior. I turned back and continued bathing Kiley.
He is nagging all the way to Bellevue and I am not saying anything. First of all he is so way off base and I am determined not to let him ruin my time with my new born daughter. Then after our appointment that he insisted on coming too,he starts up again. I pretty much just told him to knock it off. I will not let you ruin this for me." Once again no crazy behavior. After all this I have not lost it. He knows damn well I do not like scenes or fighting in front of my children. He used my children as a weapon all along. Is Greg the real beast of 666? Thank you Pope Greg the First, the catholic church made this demon a saint. Thank you for all your help, making choices about who His family really is? Thank you for writing me out of the story, and those that didn't, well thank you for turning me into the whore of Babylon. See what happens when we fuck with Gods words and kill off his son? Thanks for changing the direction of the whole story.
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple
Revelations 22:12
Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me and I will give to each person according to what they have done. I am the Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.
Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
I Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David and the bright Morning Star.
Thank You
Number seventeen again. I find it interesting the numbers of these verses and just where they happen to fall. Number 17 The Spirit and The Bride say, "Come!" And let the one who hears say. "Come!" Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
I love number 18 if anyone adds anything to his writing God will add plagues. Yea! another curse because from my point of view these books have been added and taken from to fit someone's version. I wrote the same thing on my first writing I gave to Harry at Warrior Number Two. I have no idea what they said. I do remember saying on them don't change a fucking word. Something is going to happen in that gold field and well as it turns out something did.
If anyone takes away from the prophecy he will remove any share in that tree of life and in the Holy City. Well it turns out I whom knew nothing. Any of this, No clue what a tree of life was in the beginning, it is me and those twelve babies. At times I like to gloat. I mean who wouldn't?
Stuck In The Middle With You
Revelations 22:1 even in the end you find the garden of Eden. I want so bad that garden of Eden. Then I see mushroom clouds, the size of this rock, family and humanity. The truth then yes, damned if I do and damned if I don't. I 86'd some religious solicitors off this lot a couple weeks ago.
Back In Black
I mean don't ever insult me with all your good intentions and this solicitation, assuming, profiling me and my door. That I am a lesser being of God. Unenlightened, because I don't belong to one of your clubs. If you really knew who God was you would know he is inside all of us. We are all his children. He is our creation and the creation of all. He is the light inside all of us. He is the energy of this rock, in this universe, all through the core of this rock. If you really knew this you would have faith in God and not judge or profile these people. You would not insult them with your lack of knowledge and who these people are. They are Gods children and it's not your job to determine that for me or anyone else. It is not for the State to even say this practice is allowed. That I should have to protect my door and my time because you said so? I asked her if she had permission from the manager? If she did the manager was going to get a ear full. She had awhile back ago. It is not even okay for my manager to decide who is allowed to solicit my door. On that note, I am going to go ask you to take those two people who have been standing at another door for over ten minutes of knocking on and off, the ones who said they did not speak English, when I asked them to remove themselves. To take her companions and leave this lot right now before I call the police and have you removed.
Tuesdays Gone
About that generation gap, even after all this, I'm pissed again. You mean to tell me he really pretty much left us humans flying solo until these last five generations? This is my husband? Yes, I lost myself again in all my glory of the truth. Even though I knew the Truth, I guess as a human, I get it. I mean how we not knowing can feel that way? He has been taking down names, and he's been checking it twice these last five generations. I read it humanity will be judged in one hour, perhaps because he already knows exactly what he's gonna ask before you get to the table? The same ones coming back, with the innocent flock in the middle.
Proud Mary
If I were you I'd be happy he ripped that bad aid off that fast. Just looking at the part about their being no justice. Serving an entity/ which is foreign and does not belong. An entity is another word for Corporation as well as That fallen angel/Satan/His Son/Vlad. Why did I get taken back to the beginning? This is the end. God brought back from the beginning of the first five generation, to the last of these five generations.
Take Me Away by Blue Oyster Cult
Killer Queen by Queen
When I saw on American Gods the size of the leprechauns, I laughed. Then I thought about that pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow? The Leper Colonies. The new leper's are the homeless. The Gold mines? Who really own them and why? The Blood Diamonds, the slaves and who really own them? The gold train and the green no longer has gold backs. China the Golden Lion. Why all the gathering of the gold overtime? Then the Seige number 144,000. Turns out we are still slaves. We as humans don't see that. However God does?
Bad Moon Rising
The Monks the Red rocks and rainbows. Red Rock Road, The Warrior Number Two. Then to discover that God really does have a tribe? The sevens and threes? The twin towers? Those twin towers. God freed the Israelites and the slave owners made them get there own hay for the making of the bricks. Made the job harder for asking for time off. Sound familiar? Othello the lone water tower, Juniper and Graham? The Father, the mother crossing paths. The Johns, well it seems those are some pretty big reds for a reason. The Sin of Assume the finally comes into play.
Money
All those eyes and all those nines coming back around. That number zero one. Can't have one without the other anymore. Not if you want to keep coming back and partake in this families Garden of Eden. It's free to drink from this families well.
Let It Be by The Beatles
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