I'm spiraling, I'm raging, as usual I have to vent my rage. This full time, self care job I now have is killing me. My doctor is going out of town and still no help. I have to wait for two more test for my stomach. Yet again my left shoulder is kicking my ass. This is absurd. You can't just see a doctor and get what you need. Oh hell no you might actually get help, helping yourself. Oh hell no, can't discover thinking for yourself. Can't have that. Remember the pharma's, keep you numb and dumb. Fuck this is absurd. I had to put in a request since your gonna be gone and I have to wait for other test, can I get a referral for my left shoulder?
I mean this hurry up and wait, is killing me. This eat, and peace meal these allergy pills just to breath, then the Ventolin inhaler, oops gotta brush your teeth right after. I mean my morning is decided for me and my day. I hate it. If I miss a stretch session for a day, I'm gonna pay. Hell no you still ain't gonna get my tobacco. I like it. So get off my ass about it and stop nit picking me. After all the justice and service you have put me through over the years, fuck off. You should of listened to me in the first place. I mean I had to diagnose myself and be right once again. Last I checked I didn't go to medical school.
I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow
I had a hell of a migraine Monday. Normally I can knock it out, and this one was not gonna budge. I thought okay, I'm going to go to the Osteopath and as usual, right between the blades. It hurts so bad, it hurts so good. Still it would not budge. Another Imitrex, two Tizanadine, a cat nap, still would not budge. Luckily M. was home, and those screaming massages kill me but they hurt so good. Then do I take a break? I realize I'm back at it, working out. As long as I stay moving I do great, it's this down time that's killing me. I wanna go. I wanna run. I wanna fly.
Storm Coming on Bright Morning Stars
I got Michael home more now. It's killing me sometimes. He watches me dance and move. He watches my hips flex in my sleep. Now I feel like I got prowling eyes on me. I know I'm changing, I can't help the way my body moves. I can't help my hips. I mean for peat's sake I'm asleep I can't help it. It's the beasty inside me just itching to come out I recon. Hell I have no idea what's gonna happen to the egg on my left shoulder. I mean how mother flocking weird right? I feel like, it's I don't know, like after all these alien movies is anther head gonna pop out of my shoulder? Just kidding.
Union Branch
Actually God if you do that to me I will come all undone. I can't take anymore surprises. I have a laptop again and I don't like seeing the news. The headlines. I mean really, Trump. No one else sees this? That because we are feeding a system that is designed to kill off humanity and charge you all these fees to run their business and pay once again for their insurance. Why am I sitting at a transportation department with a sign on the wall that tells them how much they will be charged per accident? Why is it humanities responsibility to pay for the insurance for them to run a business? Since when is it the employees responsibility to pay any of the fees or overhead? They make it sound like it is a service they provide to help us. While they burn you out and make you responsible.
Bird Song
I mean really we are now the weakest, stupidest nation. We are the most poisoned. All to create a marketing plan on mother natures wares. Right down to her seed, her air, while they continue to cut down trees, poison your water, bottle it control it. They started phasing out the idea of water long ago. The illusion that water is free. How absurd. I never thought I'd be sitting with my grandchildren and telling the story about how water used to be free. Yeah way back when I was a wee lil lass, yup we had water. Yup we sure did. Hell we could dance in the rain even. Bottle it up and spray it on our face even.
Tell Me True
We are the most brainwashed system of humans now, and we're supposed to be the smart ones. The first thing anyone does is defend the system. Well it must be you. It could not be the corporation or system. It must be you lowly lil human, their you go thinking for yourself again. Placing blame on others for your failures. Why Colleen look over here at this program. You are all so programmed to defend the program, first and not the human being. Think about it when you look at another human being with a back pack on their back, you think one of two things whether you know it or not, Karma or they must of deserved this through faith. Your so both wrong.
Simple Love
No this system don't have no heart. I can see throughout history how this system, has gotten or tried to get Presidents to get there hands dirty to keep the wars going. Yeah this system really plays all sides, all to kill off this rock, and bury the truth, Make us the slaves all the way around still, poison from the inside, kill of the organs, they don't care how you do it. Get hurt or addicted, and well they got you in the system one way or the other don't they. That Big A on my chest I have paid my dues long enough. I hate to say it, I really do, but I have not looked at another drug or drink addictively, Like jonesing for it, to the liquor store to get my fill, you might say. I just really have no desire to hurt myself. My heart is full up of someone else right now. Their are days I want to kick him to the curb for this.
Down To The River To Play
Oh yeah, I'm ready to play. Hey their is prayer in fun. Whether you like to believe it or not. It's the emotion of joy and fun. If you think that family upstairs wants you to get all halleluiah and praise God, nope it's not like that. They want you to have balance joy, laughter and tears. They want you to experience life without guilt and shame. You are human, humane beasty beings after all. To create and be all that you can be inside you. In that that peace joy love laughter and light they see inside you, well it grows. You are not meant to be in a classroom earning all these educations, to feed a healthcare system and educational system that will all never be paid off. To keep building more buildings that will never be paid off either. To feed a machine and keep you hooked to it one way or another.
Out Of The Woods
Yup you created in this system, products of all societies. No matter the class or color of our skin, you are kept binded within that. They like us to keep going back and fight each other about our past, they like the wars and the crime. Hell then they got just the jails and cells to lock you in and keep you fined to that too. Always labeled, always fined in this system for something they created. I'm angry now that I see why God has to burn it and begin anew. I know I'm supposed to do something with my body and this healthcare system is killing me.
The River
Hell I can't find my music this morning and it's pissing me off. I hate knowing the truth and having my hands tied. It makes me laugh how much I vent my anger on paper, someone can walk in the room and they would never know what's brewing inside my heart. Michael get's fair warning before I go off. He is learning, Michael just let me spiral, now is not the time to speak Michael. I told you now is not the time to even speak. He's a slow learner, but on the flip side, I think he likes all my colors. It pay's off in other ways.
I'm Already There
We are on different clocks, yeah I'm good with that. It's the procrastination in the personality that kills me. I can walk out and say let's do this or that. I kid you not, every time, he is just starting to actually do his P.T. No other time before. So I wait. When he gets up, it's like sludge to move him. Hours it takes. I can plan in advance, I can text him when you get home, we are taking off, he comes in sits down and says, I'm tired. You'll live. This is called better? I mean remember their is always a brighter side right? He's moving. I keep reminding him, keep moving and here drink this. I don't give a flying flock what you eat the rest of the day. At least get one healthy thing inside you. That's all I ask.
She's Everything
I'm so sick of looking at the brighter side of B.S. I realized I habitually do this patience thing, at the detriment of my sanity. This acceptance shit pisses me. I hate being stuck in a system. I WANT MY FREEDOM. That is the one thing that my father could remember after I got custody of his healthcare and well life. That counselor who didn't even bother to tell I or my sister that our father was waiting for us both to show one day, to do his ninth step. (as well as he could at the time) If I remember right her name was Mary. She set this up and didn't call either of us and let us know that he worked on this and had it all planned out, then we both do a no show
She said one thing to my father that he never forgot. I so wanted to go kick her ass for planting that seed. She said "don't ever let anyone take your freedom". Now try to remember regardless of the father you think our father was, he was our father, to us he was really kind. Regardless of the alcohol my grandfather and father were really good, kind hearted people.
I Loved Her First
Now is that seed of freedom that she planted in his head coming back to bite me in the ass now or what? To find out now who I am and whatever it is I'm supposed to do is about this planet. Kiss my ass. This tree of life, is about this tree of life. My children, this rock, this planet.
Whiskey Lullaby
I can't look at my daughters. I can't do it. Anything I say good or bad cuts like a knife on both sides. The truth and the lie. How do I get my life back God? How do I get my time with my children? You put me here God Damn you. You set me up, all I ever wanted was the truth God, yet instead even when others know the truth, it turns into, oh well. What does it matter now? It matters to me God. It matters to me God. The truth matters to me God. Now I know the truth and still I'm not free am I? Got some more penance to pay God?
Better Than I Used To Be
What pisses me off God, is I wasn't broken in the first place. Just being a good person, following the rules. Well aside from my prohibition period. Like really, they are gonna tell me I can't drink from the well.
Friends In Low Places
Now God thanks allot, now they are gonna think I drank the Kool-Aid. What about my pride God? I mean really their is another side to pride God. I'm not talking about pride of the family, that by the way no one else see's. Thanks allot for that too. Yes God, I saw. Beauty and The Beast is coming out right after The Mummy. I started collecting those movies for my children well before Greg came into the picture, and well he got those too.
Bless The Broken Road
You are the creation of all. I know, but in my life God, this family sucks. All the way around this rock God. I actually read some of the beginning of this blog. My aunt Judy with her large tricycle. I'd stand in the big basket behind her, holding on to her shoulders, riding as fast as her legs would go through the streets of Othello.
Then on Then
I'd tap her on the shoulders, yelling faster Judy, go faster Judy. Then when I try to watch those shows. The Mockingjay series. The chariot, her dress of fire, I can't look. I realized yesterday this has something to do with whatever the history is with Othello.
There Goes My Life.
Yesterday, my God really, is this supposed to help me? Sacajawea and Lakota comes up again. The Camelot. Adelaide and a Archbishop retreat to boot.
I Cross My Heart
You know God I'm thinking maybe your not such an asset after all. You've certainly cost me allot, with no return. What do you say we just cut my losses and call it a day?
If Tomorrow Never Comes
Little Bitty
Live Like You Were Dying
I'm trying too. Back to that pride thing. Like I need help to find a man God. I know I have to get past it but really? My own daughter, how many churches in my dreams did I sit inside discussing some wedding? My own daughter does not understand, it is all about her, yet it's not about this wedding for the reason she thinks. Just cancel her wedding already give me some peace of mind. I won't go and watch. I can't be made to stand and watch this and have it all stolen including my ring by her own father, which was hers, then he collected the insurance on my ring after it got stolen from him.
She's Every Woman
Told to hold it in, take the blame and the pain once more. Nope I can't do it. Watch this family curse befall unto my own flesh and blood some more. Are you nuts. I don't care about Faith God. Not today, not with my daughter. Her heart, her life God. I can't stand there and watch it. Not even for you I can't do it.
Home
Just blow me up already, hang me from that cross, I don't care anymore. What more do they want from me? What more do you want? I know my life. You got it. So bring it already. More blood, more bloody vow's and more sacrifice. Truth is God I just don't have it in me. Not even with you, JC, my brother Todd. No not my own father either.
What Hurts The Most
These women, my God. I don't even know what to call myself anymore. Yeah I can be all cocky, but have you seen the size of this rock? This universe. I have no concept on size and circumference of this rock. I just can't fathom it. I do okay as long as I stay here or there but in between.
Love Without End
It's huge God. It's all to huge. All this history and names. I mean 9/11 The Siege, 300,000. No one connected the 9/11 and the twin towers. How all this shit is coming to a head. God this is not one thing. Not one little thing. All this history. All these books. All this truth, still people want to all be smart and entitled, saving face in the face of humanity.
If I Didn't Have You
Saving Grace my ass. Saving face more like it. I figured it out. The host. Remember the Hostess station was always dirty. It pissed me off. A corporation, a restaurant right when you walk in the door the host station is dirty. Hell T.A. was even trying to re-create A.1. You can't get any better than A.1. Yet the cost of doing business is everyone has a right to do business and re-create more garbage on something that wasn't broken in the first place.
They should of been investing on smarter business. The people, and the money. I was shocked at that discount grocery store, they have a machine that just weighs the money and counts it? How many thousands of dollars did I get stuck counting on that floor while everyone walked away, Had to start over, because of this bullshit.
If Your Reading This
It was what I was seeing but couldn't explain until I saw the BBC show Intruders. The hosting of the body. These host don't care. The ones behind the lines destroying humanity from behind the scenes to feed the machines. The banks and the legal system are a machine, the education system, and the healthcare system are all the same machine. In the old days, the cost to do business came out of the business owners pocket, not yours. It's bullshit.
Yet the other way they host is that weak moment in a human. It is our children, No weaker host than a child. I mean to trick and get inside. When Elaine told me, Greg was screaming as a child, a black thing is there, well yeah, Meet Pope Greg the first is he the 666 in this life? His mom thought nothing of it. Just a fever and a illusion. Just like any other mother. Who takes their kid to a exorcist anymore? That's old school.
We Danced
Where The Green Grass Grows
Song Of The South
Now we have a failing president. Imagine that, All eyes on him while they creep and crawl behind the scenes for this One World Take Over. All These Walmart's and other places now are nothing but jails. If you or your family don't go along with this new regime, hell honey, you die. Not my problem they pulled this shit in the good old U.S. of A. and you didn't listen to your own historians, or God. You seem to be following all these star wars movies, and all this technology, to help us advance ourselves to death, right into slavery. Don't worry they put all this out there to not only prepare you, but you cheer for it. You cheer for all the people who are slaves in this system, to get out of all the injustice. Look in the mirror, are you ready?
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