Shameless

I can't do this God. I just can't do it. Just getting through the day kills me. All these road blocks just to get anything done. I hate depending on someone else. I hate it. Wait. Wait. Wait. I am going to kill him God. It doesn't matter how many times I say it. It doesn't matter how nice, how compassionate or even how loud I say it. I cannot repeat myself more about one thing to one human being and keep letting it go. I can't do it. You stuck me here God Damnit and I don't give a flying flock who he is to you. I just don't.

Neon Moon
Who the flying flock sends their girlfriend out in a car with two inches of metal extending from the tread and not bother to tell her? OMG, that day if he had been in front of me in the middle of that mess I would of decked him. Then of course later I'd feel bad for having a normal re-action. It's not my illogic bullshit, it's these men and cars. What the flying flock, just put air in the tire, say nothing and wave goodbye with a smile. No logic, no thought process once so ever, What the fuck God. Metal on a oily hot highway. Metal on a oily wet highway. Bent frame, bent left arm, just like me I recon. We have paid for and changed so many tires on this car, it is a retread, just like me I suppose.

Deeper Than The Holler
Then yesterday, once again driving along in this glider car from hell and well we've had it what six months? What is it almost mid June now still we can't roll down the windows. I dropped it off at his work the other day and walked home. I even so politely sent him a text, "hey you know that car I so conveniently parked in front of your door, how about you change that fuse during your one hour lunch break"? NOOOOOOO!!!!! Let's procrastinate some more and feed me more bullshit. Well I looked it up Colleen. Did you order it Michael? No". You need a invite, what?

Summertime Blues
Back to yesterday, I explain to him driving once again in the hot car, shining, feeling glaring, keeping my voice cool. You know Michael the other day, I had to drive this car with the door cracked open. I was a hot dog in this car. literally panting for air. His reply, "Oh I was gonna change it today but you wanted to get out of the house. But of course, it's my fault. I'm such a demanding shrew, that I am. This is after I found out like a week and a half  ago that he didn't get a certain fuse but he's gonna try this one. I don't care the excuses. Just get it in the car. In the slot.

Once again, my shower process in this hell hole sucks. I only have so much time to get everything done and I gotta get started before I even step in the shower. He has said to me, "Colleen, if you need me to drive you anywhere in the morning just wake me up. Tried that, that didn't go over so well. Needless to say, I drove in the storm. So getting gooey in a hot car that could of been prevented, pisses me off. Another shower to process.

Write This Down
I mean God I really don't give a flying flock if he's a night owl, but if your gonna be up all night, do something productive once in awhile. I mean hell even if I'm up at three, I'm doing something productive, even if it's yelling at you. When I do need him to do something, I gotta start well in advance to get him moving.

He's gotta have coffee just like me, yet I can have coffee and do something. He's gotta sit and scroll that God Damn phone for I have no idea what. Yesterday I looked at him, I wanted him to see something, I look over and there he is scrolling that God Damn phone. I said, "you might want to put that down". He's like a kid. Oh I am, Just a minute. Excuses, excuses. My God go fuck your phone already if it feeds such life into you.

More Than A Memory
Now I'm a yeller God. I don't care who hears me. I have begged him to sale this piece of shit. I don't care piece meal it. His excuse, it's got a new engine. Michael knows if I'm gonna lose my shit it's after a car ride. I don't like to cause scenes.

My Best Friend
I come walking up, dropping everything, because just getting out, it sits so low and I get caught in everything. Can't just turn off the engine, it's under the dash at that. No I have to remember to put the club on it. Then I can't get the door open from the outside and sometimes from the inside. It now bends downward and I pulled my shoulder slamming my whole body against the car just before this. I look like a spaz.

I walk up to Michael, "What time is it? Good I got five minutes and don't you say a word. Not one word. That fuse Michael. For six months a fuse to get those windows down. Finally the last week and a half you've had it. Still all I hear are excuses. Now Michael I want you to understand, {literally I'm standing outside my apartment just losing my shit, seething) I don't drive a engine Michael. I don't just drive a engine, when I get in a car, I drive the whole car Michael. Now I have asked you over and over to maintain that car. Make it drivable but I have to keep coming up behind you and keep reminding you about every little step. You know it kills me, your a nice guy Michael, but once again, I'm standing here complaining about the same behavior. Then I yelled, I mean it Michael your gonna get up one afternoon and I will have taken a sledge hammer to that car. Mark my words Michael. I really don't give a shit anymore".

Chattahoochee
He storms off. Then Damnit I leave my smokes in the car so I have to go out there. Look he's got ten minutes to get to work. He now changes the fuse. I mean don't take responsibility and leave me holding the flocking bag. I had a new car God. I had new everything before that piece of shit came up behind me and literally stole everything. The keys literally God, I haven't found a set of keys since him. Someone tries to hand me a key, and I literally feel dread. I tell people, not a good idea. I don't do well with keys or lighters.

Red Dirt Road
Don't give me a card, to much responsibility to find those things again. I panic inside every time I walk away with Michaels card. To this day, I stick it in my bra. My shoulder is killing me, I had to take a NSAID and a Tramadol. It pisses me off, because the NSAID works for milder shoulder pain, yet Holy Mackerel, I really don't look forward to being a bleeder fish. I mean really God. You know for some reason, I know even though you said, "not one more drop of blood, after all this, I really have Ye little faith in that line now. Always a curve ball comes at me. Something right out of left field and I end up with the shit.

Rocky Mountain High
Even if it turned out to be three lines not a drop. No you all know I'm gonna get my ass kicked once again. Even if I go down, I don't die. This planet perhaps, not me or mine. Yeah, JC's family don't die, right? They sure go through shit don't they God? Jesus Christ already, so far you haven't killed me, by some miracle I still live. Yeah I can name a few times someone has looked at me and said, "either you are the walking dead, or the other, you should be dead".

Because You Loved Me
Loved, hence loved God. Past tense today. High tolerance to pain is what I have adapted to God. Definitely a high tolerance to all the bullshit I see going on around me.

Let Her Cry
Driving along in the car I start once again to shed my tears, the memories of me begging you for Michaels life and the agreement we made, that Michael does not die. I didn't even know I made a agreement until that moment. Truth is until I read some of this I had truly didn't even know I was talking to you all along. I kind of forgot until the end of September that "oh yeah this is about you, and your precious son". I mean God I never doubted I was going to heaven, or that there even was a heaven, I never questioned it, yet I didn't really think about, we don't die because we have love, we have faith. Then watching Intruders and the we don't die thing came up again. The awakening, and no we are not going to be evil shits people. You just will have truth and well all else falls away. Some are just some bad apples that need to go bye bye.

The Summer IS Done With Us
For example that big stigmata. That big A that so many of us have been placed in purgatory over. Michael and we don't die. I love Michael and no I am not in love with Michael, Jeez you have no idea how hard I have tried to fly this coop, but this mother flocking system, No wonder we have so much domestic violence. Forcing people to live together because of this high cost of living. I have no ill will toward him. I want him to have a full life, with love.

Summer Of 69
Now God that whole scene you threw me in, when I thought you all were just using my body, my emotions, like that's not weird God.

Operator
I don't want to be JC's replacement God. I mean you promised a rodeo ride, not for me to be JC's replacement. I mean Freya? Am I going to throw ice and fire? Am I going to twirl my hands over my head and actually bring on a storm? Am I going to stomp my little foot and shake the ground, God? I mean all that is pretty great and all it's just the, Stayin Alive till then. Yeah Bee Gees came on. It fit so I threw it in. Fitting, so fitting. You set me out here with a broken left wing. Yes God my vanity list has grown. Yup some replacement of things. Like the little wrinkles that have formed just recently around my lip line. How about that crease between my brows. How about a lil push up and some fluff on everything. All this shit I never really thought about, until now. Let's see ya perform that miracle boost.

Time by Hootie
Give Me One Reason
I'm so tired of being hungry God. I'm really not a Betty Crocker. Hell I'm not even a Paula Dean. I have no green thumb. Yeah, you buried me real deep.

Take Me Home Country Roads. Just do it already. I Will Always Love You by Whitney, another fallen star. Two actually and as I can see many more legends fall. Adam West 88.