Real World

If You Could Only See
It's been a rough week. In more ways than one. The tears the emotions and the anger. I'm angry on so many different levels. Funny thing is I keep it inside me until I hit the key board or the pen and pad. Physically painful this week. Nothing like drawing out all the suffering and pain in this poisonous apple of a system. The poor vet's. The poor elderly, the poor mentally mislabeled. The chronic pain sufferers. The Addicted. All the blame and pain going in the wrong direction.

Out Of Touch
This left shoulder is kicking my ass. Of all things. After all this. I have had to lighten up on my workout and dance routines because of this broken left wing. Therefore my joint's and crooked spine start springing. Especially the kinked coccyx. To think a Chiropractor can adjust it back into place. Simple fix, less pain, less muscle memory springing back against my hip sockets.

She's Always A Woman
I had to let Michael have his balls today. I try to remember I'm not always such a gem. I mean he doesn't get away with anything. Not for long anyways. Then I have to crack the whip. Nothing harder than hurting a nice guy with a big heart. This week he just happens to hurt everywhere I do except the heart chakra. I can't work on him anymore. I mean hardly anyway. I use my elbows and heals. I walk on his spine dig in my heel. I feel like an Asian masseuse at times. I realized awhile back that I have done just this to people since about age four or five.

The Sound Of Silence
I have realized how much I have literally climbed my whole life. How even though I'm female because I'm the smallest one that don't matter. Send in the small one first. Makes me think of how we have treated other races on those front lines. Still that behavior happens still today. On both sides. On all levels. That is sad. The disloyalty and cover up because of the shame and blame we place on sexuality, politics and whether we are worthy to fight for our country. Not allot of valor in that behavior all the way around.

How Long
One Nation, One God people. I see in another common denominator in these big books. The distention of families. From the very start that just ain't very Godly behavior. To place brother and brother in purgatory right from the start. We lost the value of love. We lost the power of love with the way we have treated our sisters in religion and politics. That behavior is in our corporations right into the homes and we wonder why so much domestic violence and hate crimes.

I Have Nothing
I had another tear fest this morning. It never dawned to anyone that our greatest asset is this rock no matter what. This rock is our fortress. Whether you like it or not part of our creation as human beings. This energy, this rock feeds us. All of us. Right down to all of our minerals, and land being swept right out from underneath everyone. No one see's how we lost power. This isn't about Communism and Terrorism, this is about humanities food. This is about our children and our life. This is about the System. We are feeding a system that over every nation, throughout even the last two thousand years this system has come in and taken over.

Only Wanna Be With You
They have gotten everyone in power over the centuries to be bought out and get you in politics, or government, even Kingdoms to report to it and get you all to fight over. They held the food over your head, your land, your home. If you didn't hand it over they took it anyways. Raped your women and children. Yes men even, you men. Truth is some rape is about power, some is about hidden sexuality, repression and the anger behind it. Then when I look at the reality shows with these young mothers fighting over men. Literally fighting for love. Some of you think it's not reality, yet it's every where in every culture and class.

Hey, Soul Sister
Yet our children are now our biggest commodity in a divorce. Whose gonna feed those babies? How we gonna feed those babies. Whose gonna take the blame and whose gonna pay? Children everywhere need a home and yet the state can't handle the load. The sad thing is the cost of these babies roaming around in the system, lost. Others have a life where their parent's are labeled babies momma's and babies daddy's. These children grow up walking around asking, are you my father? Are you my Mother? Why did you give me away? The reasons are endless throughout the generations, these mothers wanted you to be loved twice. Loved enough to be given to a family that can feed and love you in a healthier way than either parent could at that time. So they share the gift of life and now, it's such a mess. The black market and the white market. Well this market makes me blue. What you don't understand about parent's is that in order to be a true parent, you don't let your children choose. They don't get to choose the love and how we feed them until they can feed themselves.

Shining Star
In this society parent's can't be trusted even in the best homes to do this. One mistake and you are placed in purgatory, labeled and ostracized. Could be the big Scarlet letter A of addiction, or the big Scarlet Letter S. Shame or Sexuality. One in the same. We are the twenty first century. Those glory holes at these rest stops. I'll just bet you most men would go to that Glory Hole if they thought no one was looking. The men on the down low. Please honey, it ain't just the black men. It ain't just the prison sex and all of a sudden your straight again. This is the B.S. women have been living in for centuries. Right out in the open. Purgatory. Double Standard's.

You Got That Thing
Irony is Bill Cosby. The Joker, the comedian once again. I've been thinking about clowns lately. The movie Gayce's House. Some deacon of his community. A mayor and yet his basement is full of young men. Then of all things they rebuild the house and leave the foundation. I know just a movie, but why would you do that? That is bad juju. Man I'd burn it. Séance the crap out of it. White candle, prayers. A few Hail Mary's, whatever it takes. Then The movie "It." I'm standing there in front of the policeman pointing to the pit saying, I don't know what to call "It". The guys with the puppy's in white vans. The clowns. I am so glad my girls clowns were fairies.

Be Like That
I never realized how slow and grumpy Michael is until he gets his coffee. I've been saying Michael if your angry it's okay to be angry. You have a crappy job and your back hurts. Your under allot of pressure. Hell I took pity on him when they called him to come in on his day off. He's hurting and he said "yes."  I have to realize that perhaps I'm not always so helpful.

Every Morning
I woke up at 3:16 a.m. I have been fuming at what Michael said to me about the fuse in the car. That the one he's had for week and a half, wasn't exactly the right one, yet he thought he'd give it a try. Six months people. The next sentence. "So I thought I'd continue to ask people if they know where I can get one." Then he said, "well I did find one on e-bay for $6.99. Then he get's up and goes to bed. He didn't know yet if he is gonna order it. Logic. Where's the logic?

I did laundry this morning. Every time I do laundry, no matter how quiet Michael wakes up. I can't see and the same questions and inquiries. This morning I shut him down pretty quickly. I'm doing your laundry. Every time I do laundry, it's the same thing. Go to sleep Michael.

Because You Loved Me
Michael see's his uniform folded over the back of the dining chair, he looks on the collar and his pins are gone. He's loosing it. I could feel my nostrils flaring right along with my temper.  I backed off. He is frustrated, trying to hide his anger. At what yet I have no idea. Then he mentions the pins on his lapel are gone. OOPPS!

I Go Blind
It dawned on me that perhaps I did lose something of value. I did tell him get angry here, not out there. I gotta let him practice sometimes. Practice communicating and not me biting back. I could of easily said look asshole, I did your laundry and behaved all indignite, I didn't. I was going to go back to the laundry room and search. That's what I said until his outburst. I did go look however and I looked at another shirt I washed. To no avail no pins. Time to eat crow and nothing I hate worse than eating crow.

I made Michael's lunch and I walked it to his work to keep my body moving. I went to hang up Michael's other work shirts and their on the lapel was his service pin and his work pledge pin that is required he wear. I got lucky.

Open Arms
I stuck them both in his napkin and wrote something about Faith. Letting it go, and it coming back to you it's yours. It's meant to be. Objects are replaceable, people are not.

It's To Late
How do I tell Michael what his job is? Who he really is? Why he hurts? Why he has to let me go to get life back? No matter what inside Michael, he still will feel like he failed. Like he lost. Like he didn't get the gold chalice. I think Michael finally figured out what it is he was supposed to figure out by the time he turned fifty. It makes me sad that he found love, or he thinks he has, only to be taken away. He has found love, just not the way he thinks he has. Love comes in all forms.

I wrote something long ago about Michael always bringing me home. I didn't know home was heaven. Home is your heart. As it turns out this rock and the keys to heavens gates are inside you.

Blue Ain't Your Color
Your home away from home is this rock from more dimensions than one. When your J.C.'s tribe you don't die. Only the shell, not the light you carry inside. Truth is you can't put a label on love. No one knows what GOD'S PLAN IS FOR YOU. Sloth can come from the outside. (My Phone just came on playing "Hold The Line by ToTo. It was no where near me.)

Under The Boardwalk
To discover this rock really is our church. This rock and universe feeds us. To discover we are all celestial beings of light. That God keeps bringing her back and well mankind keeps killing her off, right along with those not so dark powers that be behind that black star. You know the one that holds us in debt. Keeps us educated, yet it poisoned humanities air and food chain. I had no idea what an apocalypse is completely. Yet I can't help thinking about Chess. When you play a game of chess all the players are on the board right out in the open. Everyone is playing by the same set of rules, yet you still have to out maneuver each other. How is it a fair game if no one has a clue their is even a Monopoly? A machine that we all report to. Making it's own rules, keeping everyone in debt.

Edge of Seventeen
All these centuries, all these wars, killing off this planet, making us do it to each other. You don't need a oven to kill off humanity. Now we have a healthcare plan that does it for us. It serves nothing but itself. It keeps humanity numb and in purgatory, legal or illegal. Yet it creates the careers for all this schooling and education to keep feeding itself. I look at all these Davita clinics around, All these dialysis clinics. Just in time after you kill off our organs with all your antinflamatories. At these pharmacies you don't have warnings about NSAIDS you have warnings about Sudafed and the proceedute to get it.

Waiting For The Blow
No one can get to Sudafed now yet looking back these last few years all anyone talks about are allergies. Humanity is either depressed, physically hurting, or allergic to something. Well hell we all got our demons right? Yet this system gets to decide your allergy, your amount of suffering, and your cure. It is only one cure in this system. More doctors, more programs and more pills. Where are all these masseuses? All these doctors have no clue where insurance started and how it used to work. That insurance serves us, we don't serve them. They hold insurance over these doctors heads. They brainwash them only one cure for pain. Neurlogical suppressors. Only one cure for anxiety and depression.

Humanity serves and literally defends the system. Automatically it serves the system. You blow out humanities internal organs yet you tell them they can't use a restroom. You make them report to these state offices for food stamps, yet you put keycodes on the door. They are required to attend these classes, yet they can't brush their teeth or comb their hair and be presentable. It is a no win out here, and you should be ashamed of yourselves, for ever telling someone they can't get water or food, Have a right to a nice roof over their head with quality healthcare.

You Make Loving Fun
I'm embarrassed that my own government did exactly what their own historians have warned them of and they didn't listen. Who pay's?

Chain Reaction
Don't get me started on the high cost of living vs. the minimum wage bar. It slowly goes up over seven years. Yet the cost of living at 15 an hour, I live in a hole. I have a homeless guy or gal who sleeps under my apartment. The drive by shootings are a real treat.

If
Then walking home I heard the word Malachi. I admit I was mad and made a mean face. Then I looked it up. Are you kidding another book. All these names. I didn't want to look. Not yet I've had enough proof of life for one day. I had to return a book that I never read to the library. I laughed as I looked at the book display. So telling. I took pictures.