Heavens Gates

You know Satan my brother I was gonna wait for this juicy tid bit but I'm so pissed off at these disrespectful Herbert's sniffing around me trying to feel me out. I have the right to stand anywhere in public eat and have a conversation with Gary even without strange men pulling up to offer me there services. I just fucking learned what that bone yard really is and I'm not happy. Leave it the fuck alone. It's mother nature's beast not yours. She hasn't bothered me and I'm not bothering her or her child.
It's called respecting mother nature people. I am so tired of people hunting and killing something unique and very old for pleasure or study. You know Satan my brother I'm tired of your dogs sniffing around. You might want to remember something else. You can make mankind lower themselves to your standards. You might have machines and transformers but I assure you mother nature has her own  transformers. Mankind always want to test fate. That is just the way it is.  Some people are weak inside they just want to take something that doesn't belong to them like someone's virtue someone's life.
Well you know brother I was at King Street Station in Seattle it was my peeing spot. Of all things to show up in the bathroom one day on the shelf but one shiny red Apple. No you dumb shit I didn't eat it are you nuts. What I didn't tell anyone was years ago I didn't want Greg in Chinatown anymore. I felt like it was gonna go down. You know Satan it is so prophetic how the art work in the PNW is. I was waiting for Michael and I looked around I realized I'm sitting in a huge All white space with a certain number of lights in each fixture and gate's one through eight. I went around all happy moving my right hand just so in front of each gate. You catch my drift right brother? Oh don't worry yourself none you won't be crossing those gate's. I promise you God is in house number twelve. Yeah brother your not getting him. He's twelve levels up you dumb shit. Gotta love that white fruit huh brother? Don't forget about the other white fruit you dumb shit, bananas. I just learned they start out in a hard shell themselves. Now brother I wasn't to happy to learn I'm sleeping with Brown bears, grizzlies, lions and cougars. It also dawned on me awhile ago ISIS and I wondered why I kept that man IS mine written like that. I just let it go but I knew They"d bring me back around when I'm ready. If you take that ISIS and place it in digital form like a digital clock that would be 1515. Isn't that fifteen years since 9/11? Since ISIS is the cover story for this takeover then i would bet we got a new rising a new dawn coming up. I can just bet you aside from the zealots in this religious lot that those who read that book want peace not war too. We went from the fear of communism to the fear of terrorism, ISIS to kill each other off and truly no God of mine wants anymore or fights over resources and religion. We were only meant to share in our traditions and share resources. We were meant to love each other and respect the differences. I mean no harm to your sister's and brothers in each sect but no you spread poison and lies through fear. You make mankind grovel for water even which we have plenty of its a lie for control and guilt to do our share and well your ego grew so big to fuck with our weather which affects mothers gardens and plants and our wells which you all took over around the e coli outbreak. They call me crazy. You all only hope I am because I may not of learned allot in school but I've certainley got a first hand lesson out here.

Injustice

A few things caught my eye on my facebook the other day. Really don't have allot time for it nowadays. Between cell phones, batteries and back up chargers I paid for that don't work. It seems the lil attachment inside no longer works. I am so sick of paying for technology that just spins away and doesn't even connect. Either wifi turns itself on and I have to keep going back in and shutting it the mother fuck down again. I can't function without my music and God Dammit I paid for this phone service to work. Who do you blame when it shuts down and it doesn't work? What the fuck do they care? We still pay for it don't we. We have even accepted the blame and just accepted when we pay for something and it doesn't work, we just say "oh well it's the system what are ya gonna do? It's technology its just the way it is."

"A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right and evil/evol doesn't become good, just because it is accepted by a majority" I'm going to add written up and mass produced to this one. It doesn't make it all true. Just because it's a little true it doesn't make it all true.

Society has gotten to the point where everybody has a right, but nobody has a responsibility.

This one I like, it's one of Gary's. " If you have to say it taste like chicken, it ain't chicken."

I'm pretty sure this one is how mother nature feels right now. Just a lil food for thought but I'm sure you have all felt like this someday's. Yes you will have to put yourself in mother natures shoes for this one. " Do you ever feel like Cinderella? I don't mean the happily ever after, I mean like when she's doing everything for everyone else and it still isn't enough?" Just when is enough, enough people? Where do you draw the line? What if? What if I'm right and a conspiracy, the biggest conspiracy I have ever seen is actually happening? I'm not even a conspiracy theorist, I mean hell who has time for all that paranoia.  Does it make the people at the top, you know the educated ones angry that I figured it out?

A woman of little means, a woman of little education. A woman with pretty much technological school that's it. Why the fuck else would I bare my heart and soul? Why the fuck would any mother put it all out there on the line for you all to see? Scars and all, even the ones you don't see. Look Satan my brother, I'm still alive. You Mother Fucking E.T. I'm taking it back. I'm taking it all back this time. This is my nation, my planet. You think I don't see a Clash of Titans coming on? Bring it both of you. I promise you I know who my brother is. I promise you both I know who my father is. I promise you I know who my mother is. Don't you two ever forget all those sisters I carry in my heart. Don't you forget my Indigo brothers right here. That family represents love for my children. Oh yeah I'm all about those family traditions. It seems you two evil/evol need to just get the fuck off my rock. I'm "oh so ready for this rodeo ride, you have no idea. Yeah you two haven't seen a family bring it like my family. Oh yeah that's one thing for sure "MY FAMILY ROCKS, NOT YOURS! MY FAMILY WAS HERE FIRST AND MY FAMILIES HERE TO STAY! GET THE FUCK OFF MY ROCK!

Oh Satan my brother I've had it with all the injustice. One more fucking pop up and I'm going to explode. I carried this God Damn laptop all the way into town so I could actually have a computer that works. One that the keyboard works. One that the actual sound jack works. Something that had better not shut down. Fuck yeah even the power went out the other day. Can't even get onto your own God Damn computer without all these passwords, and constant downloading and upgrading. Fucking applications you don't need that burn up your battery and data. Then you take the blame, for using a service they offered in the first place. No mother fucking balance or justice anywhere. Where in the fuck do you all think the majority of mankinds problems are stemming from in the first place?

We are all paying for a lot of disservice. Being taxed and warrantied on it, to have them do nothing but constantly come in and take over, change the rules and take the blame. Change the laws, pay the fines. Just who are we people? Anywhere we go in America? You are the customers, God Dammit. Lets talk about dependency in this service industry. Lets talk about the rules and laws and guidelines. Lets talk about the stress in this system that we are all being lied to in the first place. Plus we are all paying tax upon tax upon tax and all these rules and guidelines keep changing as the disservice keeps changing. "Oh but you two Mother Fucker thanks for not taxing the low income on our EBT cards. Thanks for the bone mother fuckers, but no thanks. I've had enough of this disservice.

Get a mother fucking job and the managers or the owners can't even manage staff. You know what just kills me is all these questionaires to fill out an application. You know that forty five minute personality test where they keep asking you over and over the same God Dammed question so many different ways? To catch you in a lie. Some personality glitch. Something that tells them you might steal or maybe you have a personality disorder. All to see if you qualify for the most basic service job? The irony is that in order to manage people you have to be flexible. Flexible enough to see the bigger picture and well maybe that rule doesn't apply to this case.

People are human beings. Being managed by human beings who can know longer leave their personal bullshit at the door. These are the people making major choices in your life. Your managers at the job that you do should be able to see when someone elses behavior is a disservice. The bigger picture. The oxymoron is that people in the service industry can no longer make human behavior decisions either. To much of a ego I guess. As I see this everyday the disservice of these people who just want to come to work, do their job. Who are coming in giving it their all 150% but the system along with the managers set you up to fail. You leave your mother fucking ego at the door. If you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen and let that lil woman do her God Dammed job. You know the one you hired her to do in the first place.

Fucking immature drunk manager trying to be all cool in front of his girlfriend who he shouldn't be dating in the first place. The problem here is if you fight back at the injustice you lose your job and God Damit that woman has bills to pay and food to eat like everyone else. Does anyone give a damn? You know I had to call the police like three or four times after that red headed rooster cunt locked me out of the house? Instead I get a policeman who has real criminals to catch. You know I get it. I don't like my tax dollars or time being wasted on this cunt's bullshit behavior, but she's breaking the law and I don't give a fuck if it's civil court or not. That's your issue not mine.

I called you. When someone accuses me of something that is not true. That could put me in jail. I have the mother fucking right to speak and defend myself. All I said was "that is not true." The officer told me "if I didn't shut up and go to my room, he would leave." Go the fuck home and leave. By law, we call you. We are told to call you by your own people and all of these other state programs you work with. Stop blaming the mother fucking victim. The one who called you. I'm so mother fucking tired of some people in blue who have the authority who play head games because he's to tired or this is above his job. If you want it out of the way so bad, stop wasting your time and mine. Do something about it. If you can't act like a honorable person behind your badge then take it off. I don't want you on my team.

You know that is just my point a bully speaks and starts behaving injustly with his badge we blame the whole team. Truth be told not one of the other police officers who ever came to that house to deal with her behaved that way. They seemed to appreciate they could get in and out, get the picture right up front with someone I assure you knows what they are talking about tell her to knock it off and move on. Not my problem this justice system is so separated and categorized that even the policeman can't do his job. My point is of you have the job, do it right. Treat people with dignity and respect especially when you represent that uniform or badge. You don't like the injustice of doing your job do something about it. Truth is Satan all our hands are tied aren't they? When a policeman steps forward and takes a stand he would be called crazy. Out of line. Not going along with the boys in blue club.

You know what injustice is with these ebt cards that fill up our minds with poison, our bodies with poison and truth be told I'm tired of all these cards filling up my landfills with your garbage. One company actually tried to figure out a way to get hot food to the homeless people in Seattle. A real poverty stricken area. They are 7'11. You could order a large pizza for five dollars cold. They ring it up and cook it up. The State let them know they broke the rules and fined them. Removed their license. The pizza's were about a medium size not real big but I see this bullshit control everywhere.

I want to know why anyone thinks they have the audacity to say if I can have hot food? I want to know why others get to choose for me how I eat even? I want to know why every section of the store that a homeless person shops out of like, the premade and prepackaged area cost the most? I mean I paid seven dollars for a turkey sandwich. Another gas station it was five. Oh don't worry they had a special in big letters 6.99 whole sandwich with a pop. Smaller print above 6.99and up, but a get a two ounce bag of chips for free. So yeah that special cost me nine bucks. The injustice and indignity to even have to think about how I'm going to make $197.00 a month last? Just to try and eat healthy the fruit cost more. The organic fruit cost more. Adwalla is almost three dollars a bottle. I want to know why anyone would think a homeless person who is moving all day needs lowfat milk? Which by the way cost $2.39 for milk.

If any of you small minded, small hearted people are missing my point about how these numbers don't add up then go home and when the time comes get the fuck off my rock. I'm out here to feed my children forevermore. I'm out here for my childrens and my grandchildrens future. So they can have unpoisoned food and water forevermore.

Lets talk about Sin City? You know the one with all the buffets they toss out and lock up in dumpsters. Someone actually said to me "oh yeah well they can't take it anywhere and feed the homeless because of the guidelines." It is unsafe so they throw it away. I wanna know why their isn't already a program in place to come around and pick up this food and take it to one place to feed people? I wanna know why such a rich place can't have food warmers to transport that food? We transport food in all kinds of ways everyday. Including banquet food to get to all these hotels and weddings. I'm sick of all these laws that aren't feeding man kind with your excuses. Then they implement a program like that and our taxes go up and who gets the blame?

I'm done. I don't want to hear one more God Damn thing about one more tax dollar going up to feed the people anywhere. It should of never happened in the first place. I don't want to hear oh we will implement a program now, or their is a program over here or there for that. It is to late for fixes. We have way to many fixes and truly no solution. It is not fixable. You all should of been working with solutions in the first place. I'm not targeting Vegas, I'm using it as an example however.

China, Oh China. China has no resources from mother nature. They have a high pollution that is poisoning their own people and it should of been taken care of long ago. They wouldn't even allow a female character from Star Wars on the poster named Rae on the poster in there country. Irony. They are a nation who placed girls and women below them from before they were even born all for population control. They have a high suicide rate because of all the pressure in that system alone. I'm not pointing out China again because they people are bad, it's the price you placed on mankinds heads. It's about the cost of all those lil girls who come out of China just to have a better life. Instead what happens if you can't sale that child she loses, not China. Well then she will likely become a burden in society. A less than just for being born.

Lets talk about that HEN program. It's for the mentally ill. They get four hundred bucks a month to rent a room. They get to come in for a big heavy bag of monthly incidentals which will last maybe one week. Four rolls of T.P, small box of laundry, small box of tampons. small can of shaving cream. You get it. They have to make an appointment to come in and then they have to figure out how to carry that heavy bag home. So many of these people can barely move. Oh don't worry people, they get to work. The guidelines are upto ten dollars and hour. Upto ten hours a month. If they can find a job like that. Trust me they are going to need it. Gotta pay for all those basic things you need.

Just a note we should remind them Satan my brother during the depression, what are the three things that sold the most? Alcohol, Tobacco and Cosmetics. You know what pisses me off here is that you really can't even rent a room for that. If you do your living in a timebomb waiting to go off. Someone who has the control over your life can just toss you out keep your money, plant a label like a eviction on you and there is nothing you can do about it today. While people are fighting for their rights just to live a dignified life, with a roof and food to eat like every man woman and child has the right to do. We are in the mean time caught up in all the red tape. The court cost and hassle, the paperwork is ridiculous. Anyone now can plant any label on you they want. Take your money, your life, and we have turned into a society that condones it and points the finger at the customer and the victim. We have become a justice system that if someone puts a label on you we are guilty and when we try to get it removed it cost us even more to defend ourselves against the injustice of a system that put us there in the first place. More fines, more labels, less justice.

What about how uch it cost to eat processed food at a Burger King for example. No ice machine in the pop machine. Every table is dirty, shingles are falling off the floor. One unhappy person at the counter. Truth be told she doesn't have to smile the whole time, I don't like fake service like that. I like real service. Truth is she gets the blame. Not the corporation. I assure you it is not the clientele that set up this restaurant I walk into and see the disservice. Lunch time eight people in line and one person at the counter. I had to go up and get sauce while the manager ignored me and continued bulshitting with another employee instead of covering that counter.

I haven't had a normal birthday in so long. I don't even notice anymore. Michael did however it was late and he rented a Hotel with his first paycheck for my birthday. Which by the way he had work to finish up first of all days where he lives for free. We didn't actually get in the room until nine thirty. By the time we got our food and took it back to the Hotel open the bag and no utensils. I mean really come on people. This place actually offered a real buffet. With the works. I'm not a buffet fan but I was actually looking forward to it. The hotel cost about one hundred fifty a night.

What I want to know is why corporations or businesses offer a service package and when you don't get it, you the customer has to be so understanding? I'm done. I walk in to the buffet area, and they have one woman working it. What a joke. Every table was dirty, garbage cans overflowing everywhere. Not once was the whole buffet brought out. Not one time. You either had watery eggs or no sausage and bacon. Or the sausage came out with potato's but not the rest of it. Oh yeah you can't take it to the room either. You might feed someone else. Hell they check everyone's ID at the door. Don't offer the amenities for any service if you cannot provide it in the first place.

I was offered to stay in a hotel for two weeks because my rooster cunt at the house. I get to the hotel, one guy at the counter to check people in. Get anything these people need from there room. Oh yeah no phone if their even was a phone to call up front. Can't figure out how to turn on the TV and their is no instructions how. I have a king size bed with two lil pillows against a cement wall. No signs to the ice machine. With a name like Garden Inn you'd think so right. One of the amentities was a refrigerator in the room. You see this hotel works with the state to rent rooms out for a short period of time. One of the amenities to truly help any traveler is a working refrigerator. Which is one of the reasons I rented the room because my room mate destroyed my food then the power gets shut off on the last of the food I could afford on on the ebt card. Lets not forget I got bit up.

The refrigerator doesn't work. I asked the guy at the front desk,"why even his cleaning people didn't let the front desk know it wasn't working?" I had to go back upstairs the night before to get the extra pillow I asked for, but it was a new clerk. He left for the night. This one liked to talk with her cell phone on speaker and be all loud in the lobby. When I came back up in the morning the juice container and milk container was empty, the bottom of a loaf of bread. She was at the counter on her speaker phone still flirting with a guy. You know I don't give a fuck if the state paid that bill, I want to know why it was this bad in the first place? It's not the clientele again. It is the excuses of the disservice.

I had a Motel six who wouldn't rent to me when the woman I was with had cash plus the absurd deposit to rent a hotel room in the first place. This should be against the law. What do we do with a corporation that can refuse service to just anyone because they don't like the way they look. My friend Nancy was another one who waited a long time to get false teeth. Oh another "another dental scam." I got a few of these stories too. She just had a seizure, she was in her PJ's. She see's my photo I.D. which was the temporary paper kind. You could see the whole picture and number. She refused to look at it or look me in the eye as she told me she couldn't see it to read it. It was a blatant lie and I have a copy for just this point. So I had to take a sick woman who needed her rest somewhere else because she didn't like the color of her money. Don't worry a few months later I learned from another Motel six they weren't like that. I told them I appreciated their service.


Then what about the mother fucking shipping and handling now? It said in the phonebook something like "two topping large pizza free delivery $12.99." I called it came up to almost twenty bucks. I asked "how does that work?" It was the processing and handling for the box charge. So no that delivery wasn't free and I said that. If we want the pizza delivered we will pay it or go somewhere else. I hadn't a clue where I was at at the time. My point is always a scam. Always a barder. I should be God Damned able to pay for a Motel in a area where I live too. I'm sick of this disservice.

Do you want to know why I got eighty-sixed from Edgewick Inn? I walked to the edge of the property or the center of the parking lot sometimes when I went up front, usually I walked around. A trucker asked me about camping back there. I don't think I was even sleeping back there at the time. I told him "no we don't do campfires." Somehow he says something to the manager about a campfire." The front desk person freaks out calls the police who knew damn well their was no campfire. I signed the report which he had not written up yet, because really what is the point? I knew I was on a journey studying Gary and figuring things out and that it would come back to bite this establishment on the ass. I promise you it will. No I mean Karma is a bitch. Even when I write.

When I went in to request a number to speak to the owner which I have met a few times and I was second runner up for a job there. He just didn't know who I was at the time. I was told that "I could not speak to the owner." My point is I'm not looking for anyone to fix this. It's all so out of control and their just truly is no fixing this. No matter who we are as a customer we should get what we pay for. I want to know why the garbage bags we pay for, tear? I don't care if I got them from the dollar store or the discount section. Why doesn't it do what it says it is supposed to do in the first place? Why are we paying for something that is destroying my planet and no one is mandating this?

Truly mankind, and no Satan we all know I'm not talking about the ones who have really tried and gotten no where to conserve our planet. I'm talking about the ones who truly did know better. The ones at the top who were responsible for this planet in the first place. I don't want to hear anymore about no money to cover anymore cost to conserve this planet. All anyone had to do was respect mother nature in the first place. All anyone had to do was if you mess up mother nature, clean her up. If you take from her, give it back.

No we all had to follow the wrong money tree didn't we Satan and E.T. You greedy bastards. I have so much more to vent but for now you all had just better get the point.

You Fucking mess up Mother Nature. Respect her clean her up. Stop abusing her. Stop discrediting her and burning her out and expecting her to take the blame for failing you. Mankind failed her. No justice no respect, you spit on her and you treated her like trash. I can't wait for EMUSSA'S STORM. One third down and two thirds up, the rest will balance out.

The Dogs and the Bears

At this moment I cry for all the injustice I see in my heart. All the injustice for what it is truly like to be a homeless and judged so harshly? This morning on my way to storage I guess it finally sunk in just who my true brother was here on this earth? Ya know my mother told me a few of her dreams, and for some reason it finally dawned on me just what she was dreaming. Oh I can hardly type this. Sometimes its hard to have no where to go to cry privately. I guess they don't want that upstairs. I started this and well I'm gonna finish this.

She told me one morning she saw Brother Todd riding into some gates. He was on a white horse all dressed in white. It lightened my heart that he was in heaven. I mean why wouldn't he be? He was a child with heavy burdens on his back. She told me of another that when my lil Teddy Bear died that Todd was standing there in white robes, holding my lil Teddy Bear. OH my God, it just hit me my brother had a lil brown teddy bear. My mom still has that ragged thing. Wrigley my lil white dog had a hump a bear. I have a uncle Ted who looks like a bear. I did my nursery in bears. My mom made a bear quilt for my daughter and we didn't know each other did bears. My friend James gave me The Dead Bears sticker to place at the end of Alex's crib. It fell apart when she was nine weeks old. Oh my God it was Teddy Bears time to go. Teddy bear was a runner like my brother.

Teddy Bear was a steal. Oh yeah I bought that lil dog. How could I resist. I didn't care if he was a pure bred. He was four hundred dollars. He looked like a Yorkie except that one white spot on his chin. His grandmother was a Maltese like my Wrigley dog. Yeah I had four lil dogs. My house was set up for it as well as the yard. Automatic dog water dish. A lil dog door, fenced in yard. They had the run of the house along with all the children. Yeah this family loved our lil dogs. The one thing at the time I couldn't understand about Teddy Bear was he was a three pound wiggly thing, however he truly had the heart of a black lab. He was the only one who slept on my neck to feel my heart beat.

He would sit at the door and cry when my children left for school. He'd wait at the window with the rest of the dogs. This one would cry if they went out the front door without him. He didn't understand why he couldn't go too? You see my dogs came before my children. Not in the sense you might think but the dogs were first born and well they came with the family and the house. So truth be told they didn't know any better. They had to learn as well as their lil friends. Don't run up and grab them from the back, They sense your excitement and your like a great big giant when you grab them and you might get bit. Lets just say Trident taught them well. Trident was the Indigo dog that I still have no idea what breed she was but she was a small tank of a dog.

On a leash we could not move her. I would literally start pulling her on the leash when she was being stubborn. What were my choices, hurt my lil dog or give in. Truly none of us could move her. I'm not about to beat my dog to make a point. That is not okay. After Alex was born Trident had enough of the walking. First walk with Alex and Trident rode up front of the stroller. Then the wagon and jogging stroller. This dog drove Alex nuts. All Trident wanted was in her room to be by her. Hilarious the two personalities that butted heads the most between the children and the dogs was Alex and Trident.

Alex would have her friends over and Trident would always plop herself in the middle. "MOOMMMM!!! Come get Trident out of my room. MOOOOOMMMM!!! Trident is snoring. Mom come get Trident." Don't worry Trident had Kiley. All my dogs had Kiley when I wasn't around. She had that knack like her mother only Kiley's dog's are big dogs now unlike her mothers.

My children carried Babe and Teddy Bear around in baskets in the house. Babe was not very happy about this part of life, but Teddy Bear was always happy to oblige. My children learned very young to watch for the lil dogs when we were out and about. The girls were riding their bikes outside of the house and Teddy Bear would have none of this. He was beside himself. So I let him out and the girls were supposed to watch him. It wasn't until later that I found out why Teddy Bear liked hanging with them. They were putting him in their basket and going down to the dead end and riding him down the big hill as fast as they could. Yes their were lots of inhale and just breath moments and letting it go. Teddy Bear lived after all

Teddy Bear was three and like I said he was a runner. I couldn't open the door without him taking off. I lived at Rock Creek Ridge and he'd always take off for the woods. Lil shit anyways. They were showing me how my lil Yorkies, Babe who would run through the drains at the end of peoples driveways on walks, Ginnie Lee who was three pounds and stayed up all night and she killed a four pound rat. Kiley got to be the lucky one to bring the guinea pig for spring break, and I had to call Greg to come get the rat, looking back he actually did without any argument. Our house was shaped like the letter L and I had that the guinea pig on the counter and Teddy Bear was on attack. At the door to the back half of the house. He was not gonna have that rat in his house.

They showed me something else about my lil dogs they were ratters. I might not of been a cat person but they were lil ratters. All my dogs slept with me. All my life I slept with a lil dog. I wasn't even aware until I got older that I slept curled around my lil dog. Tambo the one I grew up with. Looking back what a bond. I wasn't even aware just how me  and my lil dog could just look at each other and know what each other was thinking. I was at the River in Renton and Tambo who is friendly and good with children pretended to be playing with this child who was about two. No one saw it but I knew. Tambo would look at me with his happy lil face with that great big smile, just that look and I knew what he did.

He pretended to be playing and nipped the baby on the eye lid. The mother didn't even know what happened. Lets just say me and my lil dog hightailed it out of there. All the way back to the car we had a conversation and I wasn't even aware I was doing it. Tambo hated my first boyfriend, very jealous. Tambo rode in my backpack and wore pajamas, he was my live lil doll. Kevin replaced Tambo when I became a teenager and four times Kevin fell four it. I shit you not, Tambo would pretend to be all happy to see Kevin which by the way was rare should of known right there. Tambo would get in Kevin's face wagging his lil tail. Every time like clock work Kevin would say, "look Colleen Tambo is actually happy to see me. Right there wait for it.......AAAHHHHCHHHEEEEWWW! Full on snot in Kevin's face.

When I trained Wrigley to rollover I would do hand signals with a dog treat ans say rollover. Then push her over as I do the hand signal. Finally I took the snack pretended to eat it and I rolled over, Wrigley's ears went up and she rolled over ten times. She just kept flopping over. Greg had a study group over and I showed them her new trick. After that Greg taught her Bang and to drop and roll. The not so famous trick was to teach the dog to bark every time company shows up at the door.

My point I am trying to make is When Sean at Nintendo did a favor for me and he spoke to my father. You see Sean crossed a line. It really pissed me off because yes I gave him permission to go into one dimension of my life but then he told me he tried to visit me in my dreams. I was not happy, I mean how weird right? EWWW! He said something very interesting "Colleen I have never seen anyone as protected as you are. No one can get near you. Your dog's are crazy vicious." I was told from the Native woman who started clearing the slime off of me that she said wasn't mine. She said "I don't know what it means but all of your spirit animals are white. I have a white Lynx cat. Satan my brother are you catching my drift. JC's face is my brothers face now. You might want to look down my families T-Zone. BTW Alex has gotten pretty zen with the animals in her life too brother. Alex is my lil bear Satan and today I feel that Kiley is my Golden Lion in this family.

Hanging By A Moment

Sitting here meditating writing and just letting the music feed my emotions. This one is by Litehouse and the tears started flowing. I no longer care if people see how I receive my prayers from up above. I have literally had the police called on me twice for praying with my right hand in the air and the tears flowed.
Just because I look like some rebellious native love child they see something different and they take pleasure in my tears. My tears are because of their fears not mine. People think I am the voice of evil/evol truly I pray for peace in my nation and this planet. This federal take over between ISIS and the illuminate are both the wrong kind of power for this nation or any nation. If your ego is so big that you think you are protected think again. No ones home stock or smaller corporation is covered. I am willing and able I still stand with my flag and my family upstairs. Mother nature's eggs bacon and potato's are free. So is that coffee and tea you drink. Including the water you all are paying so much for today. Mother Nature is free. My prayers for peace come from my heart and they are free too. They don't cost anyone anything just leave me to be free. If you cannot take a peaceful stance for our nation go home to that family upstairs. You can tell them face to face why you feared feeding your own flock down here? Time to get out my I.D. sheriff number one just rolled by. I got my flag which truth be told should be a lil smaller. Can't even pray on a red rock in public without getting my I.D. checked.

08/11/2016 Doors

You know I'm just not to sure what I am going to talk about today to even give it a title yet. I know people think she must be crazy to step away and go live in the woods. Their must be something else I could do right? No thank you I am done. Done with the been there and done that bullshit. I mean hell what else is there to see anyways? You know it is all about the timing and those doors that kept popping up in the beginning. Now I know some of you who haven't followed along probably know nothing about those doors. So let me explain when I saw outcast on the computer where my two lil sunflowers used to be. I knew those doors were gonna close.

Truth be told by I had already been shown other doors by then. I had already caught on that walking on those trails for some reason they always showed me the easier softer way. By the direction of the branches and twigs, and the direction of the branches in the trees. Even the blue berries in the shit it was a pathway to so many other doors. Everyday I walked I never fell down. I could literally hop from rock to rock along those rivers and see the huge animal faces in those rocks. Following those trails they always brought me to my destination. Something else to look at and see.

They taught me to trust. For some reason I didn't even know it but truth be told who wouldn't want to learn something new that you knew was a good thing? Who else wouldn't want to just wake up one day and see different things from a different perspective each day? Knowing all along their is a destination to end this journey to get me to the next step. The thing is that timing. It was finally going to be my time for some freedom to finding answers without having to be somewhere every minute of everyday. No where to sit and relax like you can on your couch. Nine times out of ten someone else needing something from me.

Maybe just help carry more bags today. Maybe I hurt less, maybe others I hurt more. That would be the able part. First I had to be willing. Willing to let it all go. When you are willing to let it all go, that puts the faith in me to move forward knowing no matter what I am going to live. So yes you have to be willing and able to let it all go and walk in faith. Please don't forget that other big A word. That would be acceptance. I could only take what was freely offered. (Let's just say I got a wild card in my hand) I could only go through open doors on this journey. As doors were closing I was getting stronger inside and out.

Accepting the wave of emotions. Accepting the wave of tears that wash through me no matter what. Just to feel it and see what they want me to see inside myself. What would be another part of accepting acceptance? Their is a bitter pill to this side and that would be fate. Being fated at the hands of someone else really sucks. Some days I accept it some days it pisses me off. I have learned allot by sleeping all these different churches each month. They all have something good, but each one seems to be missing a link. For example I think it is the church with the big white cross. It might of been Lutheran that follows the seasons. That isn't so bad. Right? I mean our lives are revolved around the seasons. Like how we live, and how we eat and grow food depends on the seasons. How we go on vacation and what we enjoy doing to get away and turn it all off.

Some had different kinds of crosses and one had a big purple cup on the outside. In each house I went through I learned something a lil different. If your wondering if any one of these churches saved me that would be a yes and a no. Good or bad I learned something different behind each door of each house. The only thing right now I ask is in these pretty labels and houses, don't invite someone in your home and make them feel bad about themselves. Like treating them like a criminal. If you think I am such a criminal and you want to place all these rules on my head and labels that I didn't sign up for in the first place? Then think again. If you want to do this to feel better about yourself to tell me how to live then step away. If you are ever going to tell me how to feed myself spiritually to finding the answers then don't invite me in. When the time comes you would of had made a choice.

I have had to walk through these doors each day to finding the answers for my children as well as yours. I assure you my family showed me a softer easier way and they never let me go. Oh yeah I have tried a few times. You have no idea. Truth be told I have not lied.First it got me in a mess, and now it had better get me out of this mess I see going down all around me. So I've gotten a few swats on my back end along this journey. I only fell down one time. It wasn't my words I assure you that. I got the message loud and clear.

I fell down on some branches in the woods and I got real pissed off. I stepped out of those woods with my fist out to my sides. Stomping my feet and screaming and yelling my head off. " God Dammit you named me Sassy and Sassy your gonna get. I want to go home. I want to go home right now. Now God Dammit I'm tired of this shit." I figured who hasn't yelled at their parents a time a two. I know I have said this before, but hey they put me here and asked to use my body. I gotta draw the line somewhere and let them know "I am done."

I stomped back into those woods and got lost. Walked back out and screamed " I hate you!" As I stomped back out to the main road I heard "no shortcuts." So truth be told I like my families punishment a whole hell of allot better. Better than on this planet "the punishment just doesn't fit the crime. I spoke to my lawyer from long ago about that character defect the system treats as a felony but it is a misdemeanor. I mean just my luck sitting in all these second chance programs and well I wasn't to surprised by the answer. "Pay the fine." I knew that would be the answer, I just had to hear the words myself to make sure this pathway is clear for me to be free to take the next step.

I assure you I am not paying one more fine. Lock me in jail, I just don't give a fuck anymore. 'Truly I want to know who pays when the system, the corporations break the laws? I'm not talking you smaller corporations. Trust me you pay your taxes. I'm talking about the ones who created the problem (I am making a point here. I am not side stepping the fact I got drunk and shoplifted alcohol with plenty of money in my pocket) The investors who has their hands in my Government which is truly a huge decline in our nations rights. What I realized when I decided I am not paying it, was that I have not drank that black swill in almost two years.

Spiritually I should of seen that coming. I mean when you almost drowned four times. Lets just say a heads up would of been nice. Who pays when our Governmental Corporations crosses the line by holding me back? Especially when I have been offered all these wonderful spread way to thin programs that really sound like they connect in this maze off bullshit nice titles. Not all so don't try to place blame or fix me and tell me I need to try another program. Remember the point is to follow this one and see just where it goes. To tell me to try this and that is to tell me I'm not trying hard enough or that I am lying. I assure you I am not broken and I know who my brother and father are upstairs. If you really think JC isn't ready to step into this fight think again.

We have a corporate america now that has failed. Maybe not in the public eye by what you watch on TV but proof when I tell my lawyer, this is against the law these corporations and what they are doing. The choices they are making about my life. I do not accept this. So yes it does cost to be homeless. Irony is I am sitting at a truck stop and I used my EBT card to purchase your veteran, your fellow truck driver who "wow is down on his luck." No one asked him either. I am a tobacco fairy out here it seems. Stop asking me for one. I'm about done with the tobacco bullshit. No I don't mean I'm quitting smoking. It is my drug of choice out here. It helps me to think. step away and pace. It calms me.

Nothing would make me happier if I was in the woods with my fishing pole and someone else to bait my hook. Oh yes if I'm lucky enough to catch one, actually reel it in, someone has to be willing to take that fish off the hook. Truth be told I have every day what I need either on my body or inside of me. Till I find a actual program with a roof I can live under without all the head games bullshit and rules. I am going to stay put. By the way, I spent fifteen dollars on my flag. I should of looked at the size more closely, but it is what it is. A five by three and I'm only five foot three. So if it touches the ground I apologize. I am doing the best I can. If my body is my house then I can legally carry that big flag anywhere I want to go. I can pray by my flag. I am free to pray under my flag. It pisses me off that even in some neighborhoods we can't have our nations flags out. It might hurt somebodies feelings. If you want to be in my country then you might want to remember who your gonna call when shit hits the fan. Our policemen in blue.

That is right. I see both sides. I saw seven policemen shot that night and just by chance someone sent a policeman that looked just like my brother in law to the wrong hotel that night with me. Could of been an accident, but I didn't like that timing either. I asked him to turn around and take me back to my hotel please. He did and I took a sigh of relief. I know the controversy with policeman now and trust. I have learned in every sect there are a few bad apples. Maybe they hurt more. Maybe something scared them or triggered them. Maybe they had a flash back.

If you are in my country when this goes down you better kiss that flag. You will be thankful for everything those four brothers are gonna do. You will understand they put their life on the line everyday for us. They have been lied to too. Michael the trucker stranded down on his luck feels horrible and I can tell part of him feels lied too. Every nation every country needs to stand and represent there flag. I however chose just to carry mine with me sometimes. This time however it has to be this nation that stands. I don't want anymore poison spread to any other nation. Either way. Truth be told I hate war. Hand's down I hate war.

08/10/2016 Cowgirl Up

You know Satan my brother from hell. I met another mother this morning you remember her don't you? You dumb shit mother fucker anyways. Thy Will not mine comes into play here. You know I've been really slammed lately if something can go wrong it does. This mother fucking system ties me up. Always a timeline in a fucked up system like this. Take this library computer for example, I get a one hour timeline and it keeps dinging me telling me how much time I have left. Then when my time is up it ask if I want fifteen more minutes? Then it ask me again. Then it finally gives me the option right at the last half hour for a half hour, then it keeps telling me how much time I have left. No you dumb shit mother fucker, I want you to keep asking me the same question over and over. I want to keep having that flashing light in the corner of my eye. Just give me the option in the first place.

Just like all these adds that keep popping up on my computer screen. Bouncing me around kicking me out and making me start over. Sometimes right back down that pass code highway to hell. Had about a hundred to a 120 dollars stolen the other day. They left me nineteen dollars however. I guess that is all my time is worth out here. You know brother lets talk about that seventeen and thirteen you ass hole. Kiley chose her birth date. Well both girls times were chosen. Irony in that number you take 3 plus ten and you have thirteen. You take seven plus ten and you have seventeen. Well those numbers just keep going round and round Mother Fucker. Every number has three fathers and one Mother. That makes four horsemen and four fathers but this time its a woman you son of a bitch.

Guess who I met this morning as I held my hand to my heart and cried? The Mother came came back to me again. The mother who will fight for her children. You remember that night I thought I cleaned your pipe and I stomped back and I said "GIVE ME BACK MY SOULS. THOSE SOULS BELONG TO ME. NOT YOU." You remember her don't you Satan? She is the mother of love. I mean who else would come back and poke the bear that night? I mean it turns out I wasn't cleaning that pipe and closing the door Like I thought after all? No brother that was Mommy Dearest letting you know she is back in town. She was really just poking the bear wasn't she brother? She gave you fare warning didn't she. I believe by looking at the date on this form here that this was the night I stomped my feet on those grates all night long and no one heard me, or was the anniversary of that rape? Hard to say truly it is ya know? So much in and out and dancing around during that time.

I mean brother isn't this mother giving people what they all really truly want? I mean answers to their prayers for redemption? I mean redemption time this book closes and so does that door I closed. Well I set the stage anyways. My song, my dance, my footprints and lets not forget about that scent I released as I marked my territory and let my family cast their lil spell all over this Washington. Tick Tock brother. The mouse ran up the clock or will I?

Now ya know brother I mean how bad could I really be to give people the answers to walk them through this time in their lives? I mean isn't this what its really all about our family right brother? I mean who in their right mind wouldn't want their family back again. A new beginning you might say. Who wouldn't want their family to heal? I mean that is what it is all about is family and the love you have for your family. Isn't that right you son of a bitch? Who in their right mind wouldn't want the kind of mother who walked this journey so our children will never have to again?

Kiley asked me once, "Mother why you? I looked at her and I said, Why not me." Know what my music happened to be today? Ya know I don't even pick my music. This time with Pandora radio I get to pick my Genre. Uncle Kracker radio random play. Yeah I like me some Lynyrd Skynyrd and one of my faves growing up is Eagles, Hotel California. Then we rolled right into some Kidd Rock, Roll On. Really it's the music that moves me when I write. That way I don't get stuck. But in this random I see Eagle and just look at that song. Just in the names of these artist I see a double D and a double Y.

Know what just happened to pop up on my phone? Yeah I dropped it again. Shit always pops up.The song selected for my ring tone was Cowboy. I never even knew I had the option but it turns out I do. Wouldn't ya know it by coincidence I found a large red hoodie sitting out on the sidewalk by the entrance near Gary's camp. When I picked it up I just glanced at it but I thought it was a Mt. Si. hoodie sweatshirt. When I got to Gary's camp this morning he was wearing it and it had a white stain just like my red t shirt. It seems we both brought yogurt to the dinner table last night and well neither had a spoon. So we slurped them out of the cup.

I then realized Gary's hoodie wasn't a cougar but a Warrior hoodie which happened to be from where he grew up up the highway in Cle Elum. Oh brother I remember another red stain I made. It was when I cut a strawberry in half and I laid it on the ground right by us. Gary walked by picked it up and asked what's this? He looked down and on the dirt was a a perfect rcircle of one small red stain. Gary jumped and started freaking out and laughing. I explained I just wanted to feed the ants like he did. I mean I never got bit. He said "Oh great Colleen now we are going to have strawberries everywhere. I laughed. I saw at the end of Danielles trailer the one with the tear drop shape in the center strawberries at the end growing. That is when I heard "Strawberry Fields Forever."

08/09/2016 Red Rock Lily Rose

My grandmothers name was Foye Lily Bishop. She was one of the seven Bishops. She came from a Cherokee mother of twelve. Her Father a Navaho. I like that I don't know what this great grand daddy holds in his hands. Some things are always a nice surprise. Come on my Great Grand Daddy is a Dakota I never knew I had so this part will be a nice surprise.

My Great grandmothers name was Beatrice. Remember she burned her and her families birth certificates so they wouldn't be treated like dogs. Blood money anyways is coming up allot here. Even that Lawyer I saw Mr Bird was going to look into that mans finances for me to get his money. First of all he wanted to brush off that I was accused of being a prostitute on that lot. He just didn't want to deal with it apparently. I guess having that label on my head wasn't bad enough but when I read the implications in the news paper article that they aren't sure if it's a crime/rape because I walked away.

That was another man I met at that red rock. I had to accept everything that came my way I had to walk the path and accept the answers to getting the answers. Truth be told I never liked my name. I never really knew my true name anyways. I was named "Coleen but it was spelled Colleen. " It didn't matter how much I told people I don't care the text or the preference it doesn't matter to me. Its just a boring name anyways. My aunt who had meningitis called me "Cowmay". My X-mother in law called me Kalean. You know I got it I never cared what any one called me but today I do. Their will be no more sullying my name or my heart. None. Their will be no more twisting my words around. It said on Gary's chest to "To Thine Own Self Be True." It was written backwards and if you think these opposites in behavior isn't a clue then fuck you. I give it all back to you.

You may no more poison my name or my reputation and heart with your fears. If you don't want to hear the Truth then turn me off. I started this journey because I was willing. Willing to let it all go in so many ways you have no idea. The other part is Able. Able is all about if you can you do. If you have something more than someone, like more food and someone next to is starving share it. If a woman or child falls down because they are to weak and you are stronger help them pick them up. That is what Abel is all about. Those that can that do. I promise you God is looking at those that can that don't. All you corporations that think that when this federal take over goes down if you think you are untouchable;e think again. They will come in and take over. They won't even need your money. It wont matter. They will take whatever they need and leave the rest behind they don't care who you are.

Growing up I always asked my grandmother questions. Always something about the difference in generations and what she didn't have then that she has now. Dirt floors for her growing up and washing the clothes on a rock. Then washboards and machines to wring them out. Then toilets to wash out those diapers. Even as a child I was aware of how much work that was for a mother back then. Chasing chickens and cutting heads off for her children.

When I was in third grade I lived in a house on Ross Street. I had a cowboy standing in my room always whittling a piece of wood. I slept with my sister allot still. What you don't know is my grandfathers name is Neil Nevell, he was a tall blond haired blue eyed cowboy. Even as a child I always saw the twinkle in his eye for me. He told me I reminded him of his oldest daughter Doris the other Foye in my family. He said you are just so tiny always like a lil Cupie doll.

My grand daddy married a Cherokee of 12 with seven Bishops. I might not know about all of his brothers and sisters. I met some of them. My grand daddy married my grandmother and when he met her he liked her fire too. She wore pants, road horses and played basketball. However I realized even back then my grand mother always wanted to be noticed. Always quiet. Most of the time when she spoke she was cut off or no one heard her words either. I did however.

My grandfather expected her to wear skirts and dresses why she took care of the children. Kept the house, worked and prepared the food. She couldn't wear make up either. My grandmother was short my grandfather was I think six foot one. He was the only tall one on this side. My grandma was old fashioned. She stood by her man no matter what. At all cost. Quite frankly I wouldn't want to be the one to sit at that table and tell my daughter its her job. I wonder with being who my family is and knowing we are filters. Actually we all are filters. We are all filters for God and this planet and we chose to take the poison on in our own way this time.

My family just made my tolerance for pain high along with the drugs. Trust me my whole life I have walked through pain in one form or another and so has my family before me. Whether you choose to believe it poison in our hearts in actions in words that is untrue is poison. No matter what you feed yourself everyday to get through I do not care. I'm done with the excuses for the bad behavior everywhere. I have given you answers and well if my X chooses not to listen to me one last time that is his choice not mine. I assure you I gave him my writing. His labels and lies and poison for his own ego and behavior all so he can poison my children against me is his problem now.

If his ego is so big not to listen to my words when this hits I no that even if he is the Cane in this Able line I did everything I could do on this journey and I have told him the truth all the way. He can go to heaven do the clearing like I did and it will hurt. Love hurts and getting answers hurts. Fate is a hard pill to swallow I understand this. He is the epitomy of Sins of the Father. I know longer care what his excuses are for his behavior. I know longer care if it is that dark energy. I told his parents in the beginning even when I didn't understand. I don't care what it takes grab him by the throat and pull him out of the closet. I told his own father this.

I even said if you can't do it get Steve and if you are to weak of a father to kick your son in the ribs then you get Steve his brother to do it. I am done. I have had enough dislocated ribs in my life because of him not taking any responsibility. I would not want to be him stand before God after he has been given at least five chances to look at me. He will feel all of the pain of what I went through for him and my children I promise him that. He better remember about my four sisters. Those two mothers and my father my brother. I kept telling God he will get this. Please God he will get this. Fucking ego thinking he had the right to punish me anyways. You have no idea what I went through all those years. The sabotage and ego.

That part when I spoke about me knowing how to work on cars. My new car for three weeks Greg kept changing the oil. By the third week I looked in the bag and I saw oil but no filter. So I asked Greg where the filter was? He told me "Oh you don't need to change the filter every time you change the oil." He would not listen to me when I explained logic. "Greg you can not pour dirty oil through a clean filter it dirty's the oil and engine again." He didn't believe me. I had to ask his friends in front of him if this was the case? All four of them looked at him and said of course. I never mentioned it again thinking he was smart enough to get the clue. Ego.

My grandfather could never understand why my tiny grandmother gained so much weight? You try carrying those four close to your heart spiritually. My grandmothers side of the family always looked like birds. Eagles and Hawks. My grandfather turned my grandmother from a Hawk to a bear. Those burdens she carried, fuck you Satan.

As a child my favorite thing was the old suit case full of old photos. My grandmothers perfume was Rose. I remember when I was a lil girl "I always said I will name my daughter Rose." As a lil girl I talked to my grandma about her name Lilly. I thought it was old fashioned at the time. Then on this journey around Easter time I learned something about JC's flower being a Lily. It was also Easter time when it was on the news about a couple who's last name was Easter set up someone else on the school board or something like that with drugs in her car. This was also around the time when a couple opened a clam shell and found purple pearls.

My grandmother used to do this lil dance. She'd stand up and wiggle her great big booty butt. So yeah my grandmothers name is "Red Rock Lily Rose."

08/09/2016 Love Hurts

You know Satan I hate you. I hate you more than ever today. No one ever thought about the other side of love have they brother? I hate you! I hate you so much today. No one ever thought about what getting all the answers to your life really is like? All those wondering questions in my mind. Something you thought that was so small turns out to be so big. Something insignificant maybe then as they have walked me through somethings these last couple of days, showing me pictures of my life and giving me the answers. Some days I think I'm going to explode getting to all these customer service counters only to find one person who doesn't even know how to do the job she was hired to do in the first place.

Trying not to explode not on the person behind the counter but the pattern of this system every time you go to get your money? Really people always mother fucking something isn't it? Fucking corporations who I really want to know where the fuck is my gold at in the first place you greedy mother fuckers? I digress, I haven't been able to get on the computer always something. Yesterday my writing could of been better but I was so tired and on another timeline. Always a timer blinking away in the corner, just doling your time in increments. Fuck you Satan and Fuck you E.T.

I have had some beautiful writing that you might think is just blasphemy but the beauty in getting the answers is a double edge sword. Sometimes when you get answers when you least expect it you truly can't help falling to your knees. Not out of gratitude but the pain soaring through my chest and body just drops me to my knees. My left hand used to go to the ground but lately it sits on my heart while my right hand is in the air bawling my eyes out. This is the part I don't want my children to see. I mean I can't help it when they show me what they show me. Truth be told this is going to be them someday. The beauty buried under all this ugly you see inside of me. As they trun my pain into love.

What can I say no one ever said love doesn't hurt. No matter what side of the fence you sit on even anger and rage hurt but its a different kind of hurt it's a release a purge of emotions you might say. Then they walk me through something, just a lil something pops behind my eyes and I always set it aside just waiting for me to feed me the answers their way in their time. I have had some beautiful writing on Gary. My "Ode to Gary" My other big G in my life, my other brother, my other Dakota in this family.

"Ode to Jimmie Jane" just who she is and who she represents in this life to me and my two daughters is breathtaking. The hits I took for this brother you have no idea, but when you get the answers to why I went through that time with that brother? Yes I will take those hits any day for that baby girl. Yes that father did too. I assure you that.

Then this one dropped me to my knees again, it was just before I walked by my X's office. I know if he sees me on my knees crying with my hand in the air he would want to put me away. I know he doesn't understand when I tell him keep my children close. Keep them safe for just a lil while longer. Please brother X for once hold out for me. Please you said to me once and many times over Greg "hold on just a lil while longer? Please love me through my children. Please don't poison my name anymore. Please don't poison them against me. Isn't it ironic the only time you never got angry at me or questioned how much I spent was always someplace I would go to find the answers?

I just want to be accepted and free to be me. No matter how I pray. No matter how I meditate or get fed my medicine spiritually and physically. I have my pride and I promise you it is that family that feeds me now. So I can feed my children not only when you look up at that milky way but in a mothers milk, no matter what race or animal. I want to be free to hold them and wipe every tear they cry. I don't want it to be that family upstairs no more. I want to be the one to catch them when they fall.

Well this next one will be called "Red Rock Lily Rose."

08/08/2016 Humility vs. Humiliate

I admit I am truly not in the mood to discuss this one today. My night last night with Gary in that storm. Pretty much smooth sailing until it rains and as much as it is an honor to get to stand beside this brother and not be ashamed of who he is to me well this is where humility comes into play. I had written it for the first time in my writing a few chapters back and I wasn't sure what I meant exactly what I said when I said Mr. Humility is looking pretty hot.

Weird way to put it I know. I mean who would put the two words together like that in a sentence right? I mean I knew it inside me but I couldn't put it into words. Then I did put it in my own words and it made me think well maybe I should look this word up to and just see what people see when they hear this word.

I was shocked for just a little while because I saw the way Religion and humility were viewed, even in the Latin term humilis is a pretty lowly view point of humility. One definition is the quality of being humble. It does not say how to be humble at least not in God's eyes anyway's. I can explain this concept and clear this up but first let's give some examples.

In a religious context this can mean mean a recognition of self in relation to God or dietes, acceptance or ones defects, (in A.A. and N.A. this would be character defects) and submission to divine grace as a member of religion. God is not about religion. Religion humiliates and makes you feel less than if you don't fit in those clubs or boxes. That is not God's way.

Then in the Latin term humilis it gets worse, it means low er self lower being. If you feel humility on someone in front of someone you feel small in the scheme of things. It talked about being made to feel small in the presence of someone else higher up. In religion and society today I see how things can be pretty screwed up right here.

Truth be told in this life we all have someone above us. Our parent's, our older siblings, teachers, instructors, bosses, and well last but not least that tax man. I have found that in society people are pretty fucked up when they manage people beneath them. Allot of dysfunctional people standing over our heads. Don't get me wrong, some are good and some are not so good people. They bring their personal shit and control into the work place or school where it just doesn't belong. People down here on this service line weather just above or below are struggling.

It comes from those above us. Our managers and supervisors which demands are getting tighter and tighter until their hands are tied and even they know things just don't match up, but hey they have a job and truth be told they will take out whoever they have to to keep it. They have families and mouths to feed. The hours and paperwork on this level of just managing the expectations while still being out on the floor with the customers. Then you have the people that really just like to make people miserable either because they are miserable themselves or they have a power tripping ego.

In society our humility has crossed with humiliation. When we are stuck in a society where things just don't add up that regardless of all these management and customer service classes people are paying to take, the truth in good management is not to humiliate the masses. To give them low quality food, life, love, money, jobs, or a roof over your head we have become a society that thinks humiliation in front of others or behind the scenes is the best way to go. Even in the latin term and religion to bow down feel lower or less than, well I can see why people think that but God does not humiliate. He will call you on your shit because he knows what is in your heart and if you choose to be an ass then so be it.

Humility is truly about the grace to be thankful. It is not to make you feel lower or less than it is about giving thanks for life, for unconditional love and life. Yes whether in some kind of therapy or addiction program we all have character defects part of learning about character defects is being willing to look in the mirror and being thankful you were never left alone after all.

Humility is grace to give thanks. As mankind God's children we were not meant to grovel. This is not God's way. So yes I am very small on this planet. Ant small I would say compared to up there, but who says ants can't move a rubber tree plant? We are all small but we are all infinite beings. Well with Gary something else has dawned on me something happens with his house every time it rains and I'm around. Now Gary knows I think of him as nothing more than a brother and he has not crossed that line. Gary has let me study, observe and participate in all his dimensions, he has invtied me into his home and he doesn't treat me like a thief like some of these churches we stay at. In return I respect Gary's home and environment.

Gary last night tore down his little hobble to build a better and bigger hobble right when it's going to rain. I have explained to Gary that I don't care the house you sleep in, I love Gary's house no matter what. I told him he doesn't need to build me a bigger better house. Truly I am honored to just get to stand in Gary's house. Even though you all think Gary is just a homeless mentally ill man, you are not even close, because without this brother I would of never figured things out. When this is done Gary can do what ever in the hell Gary want's. More on 'Ode to Gary"

WTF! Just what the fuck

You know brother after the day I've had something finally dawned on me my car? You know pretty much everybody has their dream car and the irony in my wheels just mother ducking kills me. Had my timing down today had a few snags. People really cross the line they see one moment hear a few words and they think they got it all figured out. Assumption judgement day I would say. Mercy me I'm hoping her house blows over like the house of straw when my mommy brings on the storm. Irony swings both ways sometimes its funny sometimes and well not so funny other times. Depends on your perspective.
This lady looking down her nose at me. She thought I called her a name after she turned away. She goes see I just knew youd do that call her a name. When what I said was some people only hear a few words and they think they got it all figured out. No matter What you say they only hear what they want to hear. By your words that is just my point. I didnt sware at you. You assumed that is what I would do. You need to go dot your own eyes and cross your own t's I assure you my side of the street is clean.
Then I'm stuck in mother ducking. Issaquah again. Construction this time it seems. On this journey I had to have acceptance not only in the odd stuff that goes on around me or what I hear. The other part was that I had to have acceptance of what was freely given. After an elk takes out Michaels car at that pipe where they had me poking the bear. He just walked away and left it in a Safeway parking lot in Issaquah.
Michael and Erb thought it would be a great idea to give me a bicycle. You have no idea the irony in the color? It's a mother ducking red white and blue girls bike. I have set it out my storage hoping it would disappear but noooo. Camping in the woods with no campfire but hey I got everything I need and believe it or not Michael came through again at just the right time. It killed me watching this rock slide over and over. I mean Michael still doesn't get the whole stripping us down and hurting us and literally giving us no choice but to have to hang in together. He still hasn't seen the light that this is what they do to the people who serve our country they break them down and rebuild them again into something better than before. Well that's the idea anyway. Was supposed to be a second chance for those men and women but it didn't turn out that way did it Satan? You went to far didn't you?
So irony is I have to replace my new shoes once again well I'm procrastinating and well everything I do is on foot or this ducked up transportation system. I literally get sent by a bus driver to the wrong stop and its like the last to get back to north bend. Tried the dial in system, you know the ones with all the helpful options and none are? This time to save time I actually ride this God Damned bicycle and the only couple of times I had riden it I wanted to just pick it up and throw it in the bushes. It's just something else to keep track of and I prefer my feet.
Today of all days I wanted to kill brother red. At least he had a quad and I got a God Damn red white and blue girls bike. So when this day comes my children had better remember that their mother is almost fifty years old looking like some native flower child riding this ridiculous bike.
Then it hit me my dream car. It was a old stepside Chevy with a bench seat. My stepdad Jerry got it for me and it sat in our driveway until He traded it to get our bathroom remodled.
When it came time to purchase a second car before Kiley was born I was accused of always having to have brand new things. When I already purchased a new car at nineteen and I wasn't about to purchase something that was going to lose ten thousand dollars the moment I drove it off the lot. I felt like with this family I was always accused of wanting new things. Like even if it had been the case a counselor pointed out to me is that so bad?  When I assure you I had nothing new. I made it myself or stripped it. I had changed all my wood to cherry. It seems I was turning my wood into redwood.
No one should ever have to fight for a quality of life. No one should ever have to be given substandard products with unrealistic standards and guidelines to work with expecting to create high quality each time. Those that do that really should look at themselves in the mirror before pointing that finger and judging others.
Then you know what happened brother I stopped by a friends to pick up my shower stuff on my way back into town. Lexi had those jelly fruit shots in the plastic dome. The ones you peel the lid back and suck it down. I open it and it squirts me in the left eye. Down my face and in my hair. I started screaming are you mother ducking kidding me? I'm camping out in the woods with bugs and I just squirted sugar water all over me.
This whole left eye thing I got going on I had just read something about some Egyptian history about someone named Torah I believe? Some Egyptian God that is going to come back through me the day this hits. Isn't that right brother?

08/06/2016

You know Satan I've had it. Everyday I'm out here I get more pissed off at what I see and live everyday. I take a step back to collect my thoughts and I get accused of quitting because people have their own idea of what walking away and taking a time out really is all about. Especially when I know who I am. I know and understand cause and effect of my emotions and people find fault. Truth be told I'm not sure if people can really go through what I have gone through in just this last year alone and stay sane. I assure you I am sane and I am perfectly clear about the truth in what I see. All the way around. People have this idea that this planet is gonna end or that I am saying it's going to be the end of the world.

I have never one time said this world is ending. I have said it is going to end as we see it today. I had no idea what new day was or time for a new dawn even meant. Especially that I am the New Dawn. Who would of thunk? You know before I put the bigger picture together of just what they wanted me to see I didn't even know there was more to see. I knew nothing about Babylon. I wondered why I was taking numbers and dates straight across the board and coming up with twelve. People have no idea what happened on those days that I added up to twelve, but I do. I had never done or had any idea to do such a thing. It was a couple of weeks ago that some pasture was adding numbers straight across the board and coming up with whatever Satan's numbers are as well as his own.

Hell astounded was more like it. It wouldn't be the first time right brother? I mean when Michael played a joke and pretended to be shocked and scared seeing a pile of clothes lying on the ground. I had no idea what he was talking about. He explained that when the rapture happens people are going to disappear all at once. For awhile I still thought it was like a lil ping over hear and maybe a lil while later another ping. I had no idea it was going to happen all at once. Hell that was news to me. Which explains the crash I see. People in planes trains and automobiles. Mothers holding children in there arms will vanish into thin air.

Stock market crash, but of course that's a given. I believe its Germany that has the bomb that can shut down all of our technology and kill all off our batteries. I mean I wasn't happy years ago when cell phones started coming out taking over and land lines were disappearing. That makes mankind pretty vulnerable right brother? When you think about it what would be the perfect plan than to do this take over right before our elections. Again that is so rigged its a joke. Right at a time when we are being taught to tolerate the poison in our bodies in the healthcare system, our food and water. Then making our bodies tolerate not only synthetic food but synthetic drugs which were really only meant for short term use or maybe long term use for certain ailments. Not the same drugs being used to put a band aid on for long term use for pretty much every ailment and everybody.

I mean look at our cable? Air waves already set up all around the globe and we just keep re-paying that tab everyday over and over different contracts that say we have the right to change this contract when we please. I mean really Satan I realized just why I had the jobs and carriers I have had. Contracts and insurance is huge in my life. Like I can't read a contract. Hell I used to sell insurance along with a school loan plan even. I learned about dimensions in Mr. Lee's Beauty school in High School and even more so training at Gene Juarez ATC as a hair designer. I actually had Nara from the "Lil Blue House of Lost Mothers" come right out and say to me well Colleen I know the contract says you can be gone five nights a month but it is implied four. Not much different than our justice system. It was supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, certainly not no more. More fines for each state on shit they are causing.

Basic cable is pretty much sales shows or all these reality shows. They are a lie. The one I hate the most is the bachelorette . I mean everyone is on the edge of their seat wondering who he is gonna pick? I just think WTF! Does no one else see anything wrong with a young woman standing in line with a bunch of other young women waiting to be picked. Some are based on love in ten seconds with just a kiss. Some are based on if he's rich. Now they aren't all bad my point is this is becoming the norm to watch instead of the truth of what is going on all around us.

I walk away, I go back home to my woods where I feel the safest. I mean I know some weird and scary shit happened this isn't even close to all that happened to me and others. When I think about it I got my training wheels on that land. I hated when I moved back from California all the camping and land has been taken over by the state. I mean yeah it's nice and all a shower on site, a restroom, neighbors. Truth be told that isn't camping that is taking your home and moving it somewhere else. Which is pretty much what I did when my girls were little.

Before that you find land pitch a tent or we'd hit a beach in our sleeping bags. I'd hook my dogs leash up to water jugs so they couldn't wonder off. Their is freedom to jut going into the woods with my head phones, and just being. Out here I can never be alone. Out here when you have to rent a room in someone else's home you can't just be. Someone else is always telling how to live or where to live. My ex knew he got half my income and this is how I have had to live for a long time. I didn't want my children in some of the places I had to live to have a roof over my head.

Know when he got custody. The winter I worked in Redmond and all the storms and power outages. Gas station closures. I worked for a company that we were told if we leave due to the weather we'd be fired. I got stranded more than a few times and I told him the truth.It was also the same winter when I had a landlord that wouldn't fix a heating element. Me and my children had no heat that winter so I had to hand them over. He was angry, but truth be told he had a wood stove and generator, I did not. He had the propane BBQ outside to feed them, I did not. So yes during that time I gave my children to their father so they could eat, be warm and be in a safe secure place with their father. You want to blame me then blame away. I call the police and they would say it was it wasn't a police matter that I'd have to take him to court.

So out in the woods I have come up with other stuff as they walk me though my life. My favorite moment was when they introduced to my third unborn daughter, Jimmie Jane. That was beautiful who knew. I was wondering.

Other topics today or when I get a chance

The customer is always wrong

The Truth in humility

Milky Way

I finally got Gary in a clear space and I have permission to tell his story and why he is out there.

One will be called "Ode to Gary" the other "Ode to Jimmie Jane"

These treatment centers and mental institutions and what needs to change for these people.

Safeway, safe way comes up allot. Especially that semi that almost killed me when I was eighteen and nothing happened. So many close calls car wrecks, you have no idea.

Doors and pathways

Planting seeds

Who knows what is going to piss me off till then.

This planet being part of the heavenly plan.

Rainbow Cherry Blossom

You know Satan my brother if you think I don't see just what lil flower your trying to pluck you might want to let me remind you she is very closely watched. By my brother, my father. They are right on that front line. You aren't plucking this fruit. Yeah that's right it was the day on the bus and they let me know just who's mother I am? They said "You are Eve's Mother and Eve's Mother doesn't fuck around." I yelled out in my head "Just like that! You put it out there just like that?" It hit me just then just what it meant the other way around?

I have never fucked around on any man. No their have not been that many but truth be told I am very loyal to any guy I ever dated or married. Then lets go back to the other side of that coin Satan, just why it is I am really here? Just why it is I am out here? The truth in why I am out here? The truth buried in all the lies going back generations. To make sure when I pass that baton to my children it will no longer be a gauntlet. It will no longer be a burden. It will no longer be a chain that chokes. It will be a clean slate once and for all.

We are not turning that cherry into wine just yet. She is mine to keep. It has been my blood all along that feeds this child and this planet. That is my promise to her and Alex forevermore. That no matter where I am at near or far all they have to do is close their eyes when they bow their heads and look in their heart and feel my love for them always. When they look up at that sun it will be my face they see. It will be my imprint's they will walk in. It will be me that carries my children and when I drop that ball I promise them a Father for back up forevermore. They shall not go hungry or weary knowing their mother has their back forevermore. I will feed them from that milky way and with the rivers that will flow clean waters forevermore. Yeah that's right their will be no more bloody waters not in my nation or any land across this planet.

Their will be no more bloody cross or sacrifice to feel my families love. Their will be no more holes in this cross, this cross will stand strong. That cross that intersects in the middle is my family of four. That cross that I place a circle around to protect and love forevermore. Their will be no more sad shoulders. Truth is when we bow our head and pull our shoulders forward young or old we are protecting that heart. That heart is our soul. That heart is where the gold is. That sunlight that feeds us love and warms our heart. That heart that protects and guides us. We are all one half of a whole we always have been and we always will be. Clean slate, new day, new dawn.

When Kiley told me she wanted to go to church, she is thinking about becoming religious. She knew I was cringing inside which is just why we were having that conversation. My reply was "Kiley you do not have to stand on a soap box to talk about God. He comes from within. He just is. Walk your talk baby girl. Stand tall be strong, be proud of who you are. You love who you want to love when you want to love. Their will be no more guilt and shame in your your tiny heart. You will not sacrifice nothing. You will honor your family with your pride, who always has your back.

You will not be led astray, your family will always guide. Truth be told it takes a village. You will always be allowed to defend your honor and I will fill your heart with love as you grow. I will be the hand that feeds and guides you. You and Alex are the two halves of my beating heart. My Faith, My Destiny, to love, to cherish, and honor forevermore.

Another way I just figured out how I cast my lil spell for this one. The one I never knew I was ever going to have. My CB handle was Rainbow Cherry Blossom as a child.

08/03/2016 TRUTH

Well brother shall we tell the good people just how it is I found Truth in the first place? I was lying on that zero gravity chair on that ground zero land. I was lying there and I asked" Who is that black shadow in the vision with my unborn daughter? Yeah that's right I forgot about Truth didn't I brother and just what this really is all about? I mean again slam I'm in another scene and I'm standing right in front of you. I admit at the time I had no idea what you represent to me. For some reason I started throwing all of my hate and rage into you. Every angry painful emotion. I gave you everything I had. I just kept throwing my words at you. Finally I collapsed face down on the ground my head was turned away from you.

Then it hit me. Even I had no idea what I was going to say. I was pretty exhausted brother wasn't I? I got up on all fours and I turned my head to the right and I looked at you still standing there. I said"that's it isn't it? Your burying me under all this pain to hide me from the Truth." Well that seems to be a common theme here isn't that right brother? Finding the Truth buried under all of your lies. Wow these lies are buried in peoples hearts pretty God damned deep.

Now let's talk about that heart? You know brother it's funny how the answers just seem to come along just when I wonder just where the poison really lies and a friend of mine with a broken right wing posted this on my Facebook. He is a messenger a brother and even with a broken wing he plays beautiful music. He is like a lil bird chirping in my ear. His name is Roger and he has courage he's not afraid to get up on stage and represent. He shows his true colors everyday and the sad thing is probably know one really noticed but brother I did and well the truth is right now that is all that counts right now.

Remember Satan I just pick up all sorts of clues everyday. It doesn't matter where it comes from because I can take a negative and turn it in a positive sometimes the truth is buried in the misconceptions and misunderstandings of his words.

Proverbs 28;26 (KJV)
He/she that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whose walketh wisely, he/she shall be delivered.

Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)
The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Now lets just kick this shit out of the way. Proverbs been there done that. I assure you I know who I am in my heart and soul. Well we both know Faith just does not move and I know what hand that feeds me brother. The heart is deceitful because of you. All the poisons and lies you placed on mankind's heart. Ego weather you believe yourself to be any higher than any man or woman that is ego, know matter what job you do in this life. Dignity and respect with a kind heart.

Then let's get to the wicked and deceitful heart? All the lies and illusions you created on man kind to make them feel unworthy of God's love. With all these clubs, parameters and revisions you put on God's love. That creates guilt and shame and ego, to think they are the only righteous religion to get in God's house. You placed poison in mankind's hearts. For absolutely no reason. Then people lash out hiding who they are behind their masks. Truth be told I'm not just talking about sex am I Satan? I'm talking about greed in the wallet and ego in the heart of those that feel only they are worthy and entitled to have it all.

If any of you think that you serve my country or any country and that makes you a king upstairs, think again...You did not feed your people and in turn you made it hard on mankind to feed themselves and their children. You went after the basic principals and traditions of my nation because truth be told brother that is really what it was supposed to be about our traditions and sharing them in kind with each culture. Not to make people choose because truth be told cultures aren't supposed to be based on religion. Culture and Tradition is about family and you have that you have love.

Do you know what else I discovered brother?That well the first documented version of how man came to be was that God or energy whatever you want to call it. Energy is science and mother nature. That he was a androgynous being. We are images of him remember? Then he split himself in two and he made a male and a female. Their you have it brother. Who truly is to say spiritually being inside more, male or female. We talk about spirituality in the bible and we are all spiritual beings. It takes a male and a female to plant that seed of life but it takes a family to grow that tree. Acceptance in ones self and others is LOVE. It is that simple.

07/31/2016 Clearing

It dawned on me what I have been through this last year with all this spiritual purging and healing at the same time. I know Satan doesn't want you to know the Truth about what happens when we get to heaven. I am not selfish and I do not wish to have control over mankind. I do not wish for people to suffer like my evil brother does.

When we die we go into the light. Yes we are met by family and other celestial beings. We are taken through pictures and movies over our lives just like I did right here on this planet. They show us when we were hurt and we feel it and why. It is a slow process. They show us every time we stood up for ourselves, another human or another animal and we feel it. All the emotions of everything that that action affected. Truthfully we are allowed to defend ourselves and others being bullied. W e are shown when we hurt others and yes we are going to feel that pain inside us too.

We get to create our own safe haven to do this in. My father was dressed like James Dean and he had a wood cabin on a cliff. I had heard he wanted to speak to me so I sent a friend named Sean from Nintendo who had this ability. He told me about my fathers book on the table in that cabin. Sixty two years of misery. I know I had legal custody of his well being but I had forgotten his age. He told Sean to tell me he is sorry. At the time I thought I understood that apology but what else do you say to your daughter when you are told just why she is here and what I am going to go through in my future?

This part makes me cry. What I did was go through the same thing you go through in heaven only in heaven you are safe and physically pain free. Here I was not physically pain free. You can say I purged physically and emotionally to finding the answers. One day in the woods I heard evolution and I knew then through me healing this way that the beginning of this new evolution is inside me. I don't care what people think of me. I know I am walking and talking proof and if other people want what I have I freely give it. Love is free people but that money tree is not and neither are all those white rocks that lie.

My X came in and he said to me after I borrowed money to file on him because all my accounts were rotated and cleared out to keep me stuck with him. He walks in one morning and he said "Ya know Colleen I only married you because I thought you would be rich someday." As usual I said nothing because I had lived that reality with him already. Given impossible parameters and guidelines that did not work. Given low quality but expected to do all the leg work to create high quality. That man tried to box me in and yes I knew he burned me out keeping up with all his unrealistic demands, especially when it was him who dropped the ball. Pam my room mate at the time Greg and me were dating she hit the nail on the head when she said "Colleen he takes you for granted. He doesn't even say how beautiful you are when you come out looking hot." He even told me "I'm not pretty", he shrugged his shoulders and he said "I would say you are cute but no Colleen you are not pretty."

It was right there that Greg chose the wrong money tree. So many of our friends kept saying to him "what about your wife." Somehow without me or Greg knowing who we were then I think it has affected our nation and our planet. I'm just not sure which way that energy flows? If it flowed in us or out of us? At least I know inside me I did my part and so does my family upstairs. I was not chosen from down here and neither was any of my immediate family. We were chosen from up there first to come here and carry the burden. So many times in my life people said, "Colleen this is not the life you were supposed to live. You are not supposed to be here. You are supposed to be rich." I always just laughed. I never cared about money, I cared about my family.

07/31/2016 Catholic Church Curse

Satan my brother now we all know we are sexual beings. Everything on this planet reproduces or pollinates. As well as people. Sex is natural, we have our babies by a man and a woman. Somehow somewhere the catholic church thought it would be a great idea to have all these men who represent this sect take a vow to sustain from sex. I guess kind of like JC. So now what these men get to hang out all under the guise of love and children and God. Where did allot of these men turn to and abuse? Our boys, the very boys that their parents sent them to church to do their duty in serving the Lord beside these predators. I don't believe they started out predators but just what in the fuck do you think is gonna happen.

These pious SOB's who thought JC was a virgin. I can assure you ain't no brother of mine a virgin. I have said it before and I'll say it again, just why would God send his only begotten Son here on this planet not to experience love and loss? What you think he just walked around amongst the poor being the chosen one and he didn't have sex? Please! What an unrealistic standard to place on mankind in the first place. WTF people.

Just where in the hell are my demon slayers and just why did they not see just what is sitting on the heads of these mentally ill people. The ones who certain emotions can't be felt inside the heart. It is like a piece of their heart is dead. Why in the hell did no one in that sect know anything about me? Waking me up only to find the answers and I only have three years left to live. So now all of those demons are gonna lift and the catholic church will be left with their pants down once again.

Not against religion as much as the lies and the separation of mankind. The assumptions they know everything, that they set a standard. Yes people my Irish grandmother was Catholic and I got dragged there too. Yes God and Mother Nature can plant a seed in a woman. Immaculate conception is what you call it but truth be told none of us are virgins, isn't that right brother? We recycle.

That does not mean you have the right to sully a child. To poison them with your sick beliefs and sick behavior. You do not have the right to take something that is not freely given and no one has that right to make that choice for any child. No one has the right to break a child's spirit. We don't break a child's spirit. We guide them and at times we have to push back and nip at their lil toes when they cross the line but that does not mean you abuse them in any way shape or form. We do not feed love from a child's body to feed ourselves love. That is not love that is Satan turning love into evol. After this storm their will be serious repercussions for this one.

Lets not forget the flip side of this one. These young girls showing up in bar's with fake ID or misrepresenting their true age and identity and the man takes the fall for that lie for the rest of his life. He wears the label child predator can't go near children. Like that doesn't destroy someone. You destroy someone's reputation to save face for that lie. Parents are condoning it and covering it up. I'm done with young girls that are not getting healthy love at home either due to neglect or abuse. Maybe a misunderstanding, look around you where are the fathers to these girls.

I never had a father and the last thing  I ever wanted was for my children not to have a father feed my children healthy love because if they don't have it they go looking somewhere else and that is the truth and every one of you know this. Women's bodies and children's bodies have been taking the brunt of all this sick ego shit for way to long. Quite frankly, I'm done.