WoW! What a song to come on today. I had no idea which way to go today. I have discovered so much about who I truly am. I hate this family sometimes. I hate this families bloodline you have no idea. I have been through every family member that is what I realized. Actually I'm still not sure. My Mothers pain. Are you fucking kidding me. Who the fuck hears when mother nature screams? That is the question. You talk about the fucking trees don't you?
Did it ever occur to anyone that Faith hurts? Try feelings Faith's pain. I don't know who I hate worse or which family member up here or down there. You try being torn between two worlds. Actually I can't even say two anymore. I heard the word metaphysical. So I decided to look that up. Are you fucking kidding me? How do I explain this without someone wanting to kill me?
I guess the point was to make me feel the strongest side of my families pain upstairs and downstairs. Kind of like feel it Colleen. Feel it all. Feel your Sisters Pain. In so many ways I have felt this one. Upstairs and downstairs. Truly I'm not sure if me and Freya one are even finished even tangling yet. Yeah I'm learning to identify them now. I love her but yes some sisters are a real bitch. When you have to feel your sisters heart. They are gonna make sure I hurt. Tear me down, Knock me down, kick me in the ribs. Stomp on my chest with that horse hoof then tell you to "get up bitch." You want it your gonna fight for it. Your gonna bare your soul and give it all you got. Now get up.
You know what I heard today. I said ain't no brother worth this. Not down here their not anyways. Wow! I got a good support for that one. I wasn't even sure why? The answer hit me and I cried again. God Damn answers to Faith I guess. Actually I have been having Conversations with God. That big Dog in the sky. This one is complicated. I was sitting in the Gold field a couple days ago. I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. Why I was even there. My shoes that day and today are the brown suede moccasins with faux fur I got at the thrift store. These ones were just my size. A six,
After I went there and screamed for the first time out loud, I realized hey this is a good spot to cry. The irony where I sit. That Gold field with the red rock road. Behind me that Big Daddy with a broken Heart. I face that TA sign. Or some times I stand in the middle and I drop to my knees. I was wondering when I was conversing with my Mother. Feeling her tears and her sorrows. I didn't know what for this time. I just let the emotions and tears flow. I realized looking back that I was down on my knees this time. Screaming, PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T HURT MY CHILDREN OVER AND OVER. I Cried and screamed! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T SCARE MY CHILDREN OVER AND OVER.
I realized coming into town today that I look like the Clash of Titans today. My girls would be a bit embarrassed today. I can only where what I got. Whatever is clean. Whatever the weather. It's cold outside this morning so I need my scary hat. My red and black flannel with a splash of white. My size zero Angel jeans. Eight buck's. Thank you very much. knew when I saw them they were meant for me. Of course my grey and red bloody and underneath my light grey sheer t-shirt. Of course the usual wife beater and down to only two sports bra's. This one is purple. On this last leg, My belt has disintegrated. Yeah that flag I wore, Well lets just say my grand daddies blue flannel night sure I have worn since about the age of five is in better shape than that belt.I got my answer.
I am flat ass broke. Pack of smokes well not that even. I got lucky I had I think four thirty three on my EBT Card. Somehow I made it work. Two boiled eggs, A Naked Green Machine and I'm sick of these bananas. Got eat them or my feet get real crampy. When this happens I know I'm not only low on potassium which is for my heart, but I've clued in that the rest of my vitamins and minerals get low. Lucky for me, another man from A.A. ran into me out here waiting for the shuttle and he found out I used to cut hair. So far things are looking up. Michail gets paid tomorrow. What can I say it ain't cheap being homeless and a girls got to eat. If this is my Arch Angel then I need to hang in there.
A couple of weeks ago when that moon thing and my blood moon was back, it started to Dawn on me I need to pay attention. Not really sure why yet. Fucking brothers. Then while I'm looking up apartments on line, because you know it really is a lottery out here. I'm looking at a apartment available add for a apartment called "The Red Carpet." That is when it dawned on me what my mother used to call it? The white horse with the red saddle." I happened to be right on it with that moon sitting in these woods learning about mother nature in mother nature. Not happy.
Now of all places that it will be a really really big miracle if I get in by this point. Truth is apparently I'm not even a good person in society for seven years. I don't have the right to live or put my name on a lease until I pay the fine. Well I have made it this far. I'm pretty angry. No system is going to decide if I am a good person based on a fine for being a human being. Being told if I am even worthy to eat is enough bullshit. Where and how. Is enough bullshit.
The pain this last month, is enough. This system is a joke. Well I can see my anger and rage are coming back. Time to drink and smoke some green and brown. Come back to the next phase of what I have been through in just these last few days. I may have to go back to my journals for these.
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