I didn't know what love was but I knew what love wasn't. Looking back on my life with my father I realized one thing that he didn't acknowledge me either. Not as his daughter. I remember few things about my father. He never had a problem sitting on the John with the door open. Really people shut the door. I remember being about three years old and standing on a rocking chair to unhook the chain on the door to let him in in the middle of the night.
I didn't really see him again until I was five. Divorce and well collecting that child support after my mom remarried man number three was my sister's responsibility. That is why they always fought my mom and my sister. Jim would pressure my mom and my mom pressured my sister. I remember waiting on the hood of his car waiting for him to come home on my last night's visit to see him. I waited until after dark on the hood of that car. No one came out to explain he wasn't coming home. It was pay day and the bars were a calling.
I had spent the summer before at my grandmother's. I got sent home early. It seems I didn't measure up to my sister in my grandmother's eyes. Me and the two neighbor girls snuck out and went for a walk in the park after dark. My grandmother screamed at me. She wanted to know why I couldn't be a good kid like my sister. I was like fourteen or fifteen then. Even I knew then my sister was no angel but it wasn't my place to tell my grandmother that.
The following summer I popped in for a surprise visit unannounced. Nothing has changed in that year appearance wise. My grandmother just had eye surgery and she couldn't see. I walked into the center of the living room and yelled surprise. My grandmother asked my father who this was? My father looked at me and said he had no idea. He had never seen me before. I walked in with like ten of my friends behind me. I went next door and told my mother what happened. She went over and introduced his youngest daughter to him.
The second time was a family dinner in Othello. My father forgot his teeth at home and couldn't eat. My father was talking about my sister being his daughter who looked just like him. I said no dad that would be me. I have your nose and build. Kimmie looks like mom. He told me no I was wrong.
It was about the age of nineteen or twenty and I was talking to my dad on the phone. He told me how he comes to Seattle allot and that he looks my sister up but not me and I live like twenty minutes off the freeway. It was then that I wrote the poem to my father about getting to know my father in the next life. It seems we missed each other in this one. Rejection by the father seems to be a common theme in my life.
I have learned that because I shoplifted alcohol it seems I'm a liability to landlords and employers. If something goes missing during that seven years that it sits on my record they are responsible. It seems I am a liability to this system that tells mother nature how to work eat and live. I'm tired of someone holding strings to keep me in control. It seems I'm not worthy to live a quality life. I'm not good enough for food or worthy enough for love. Looking back and today I still wonder why do I have to work so hard for love? Truth be told love shouldn't be this hard for anyone. I want love to be free. I want to be free to be me. I want to be accepted for who I am. Sharp edges and all. I want to be loved for what's inside my heart not what someone else's misconceptions of what love is. Not be judged for how I look on the outside but loved for who I am on the inside. I want to be truthful and not condemned out of someone else's fear. I want my heart back.
I realized all these gardens dreams where my dad shows up to get my answer from what's truly in my heart. I've been getting tested my whole life on the choices I made. It seems regardless good or bad of what people think they see. I always choose my children. A mother's love for her children. That is why I sit here at this truck stop. Waiting for what I don't know. I have accepted that no matter where my children are. It is my essence and my blood these two poisonous seeds want first and foremost. While my children are out there spreading their magic. I'm hoping this new York thing is just Kiley making a appearance before this goes down. I'm ready to kill these two Son of a bitches once and for all. I just have to figure out how to poison it without killing my rock this planet or creating the wrong kind of war.
People think rocks are dead and that they have no energy. Has anyone considered this rock we stand on is full of energy and life?
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