Gaslighting

04/25/2016

Lets get on with the being accused of being a shopper. It didn't matter what I talked about, somehow the conversation with my mother in law always turned back to money. For example, I wanted to get a nursery set for Alex when she was born. I hadn't even decided new or used yet. My mother in law Elaine say's to me, "You don't need a nice new crib set for your child. That is just a waster of money. You always think you have to have nice things." I don't think that Elaine really ever looked in my house. We moved in and we had a bed and TV. I bought a furniture set on my own at seven months pregnant. I must of hit 10 furniture stores along that highway getting the best quality for my dollar. Anything else in my house I did or made myself. When I shopped I shopped year round for Christmas and got the good deals for the gifts I was looking for for people. Quite frankly I really didn't like shopping. It was the biggest headache to me. I just new where to go to find my sizes in one place.

So for my crib set she said that, "she had Greg's old crib." I pointed out that it's not up to code. Elaine insisted it was just hog wash. I didn't want to hear it anymore. I already had the crib set made and ready to go. I made a set with big primary colored balloons and bears. I painted the walls all primary colors because babies don't really see pastels. What I wanted was a white crib set and I got brown. Within a couple of weeks I had just placed Alex in the crib I lifted the sides and all the slats fell out at nine weeks old.. Luckily a friend of mine just took down her white crib. It was like this with everything this stigma. No one ever noticed that Greg never ran any errands but he had lots of opinions.

When I took my own car to get my brakes checked, I was shown the brake pads and disc and they needed to be replaced. I went ahead and had the job done. When I get home he told me they conned me. My car was a couple years old by then. I bought the car and always maintained it. I had dad's and step brothers and boyfriends, trust me when I say I knew how to maintain a car. Why they took me back to this and many other situations like this is to point out one thing. Greg never went with me to do anything. Greg never saw things for himself but he was pretty quick to accuse me of not knowing what I was talking about. Especially my own car that I bought brand new before he came along.

Here's one for you. In the beginning in California Greg kept going out every weekend and changing the oil in the car. About the third week I looked in the bag and I asked Greg, "where is the oil filter?" He said, "Oh you don't need to change the filter every time." I explained to Greg "that the clean oil washes through a dirty filter therefore making the oil dirty again." Plus it only needs to be done every three thousand something miles. He told me that was hogwash. I didn't say anything and when his guy friends came over I repeated the conversation to them. They informed him I am right. I never mentioned it to him again. I did not need to harp. I thought it was enough for Greg to get the picture. Apparently I was wrong. I did things out in the open and Greg did things behind my back.

I have a arm length of shit like this. I just kept jumping through hoops being Greg's personal secretary. The labels and accusations we place on others to make us feel good about ourselves. By me not saying anything anymore. Not defending myself with all his implications. I realized that I allowed him to place the burden of the blame and accusations upon me. When I walked away anything I tried to say to anyone, I looked crazy if I got upset about anything. Even to people that were my own people. I just felt like if I have to defend myself against something to my own people then they really don't know me very well anyways to think I would ever do anything to jeopardize or let down my children after all that work? After everything I had been through in my childhood I would jeopardize my own family? I think not. I had the label of my mother placed upon my head way back then. In Greg's family emotions are not allowed. Emotions are bad. Greg had a mother who swept everything under the road and just made up stories all the time to make things happy and easier. Greg had a explosive father. To this day I love those people very much. I have never stopped loving them but they stopped loving me. I was the only woman to represent a daughter to them. I was the only one to give them grandchildren. They never asked me what happened. Not one time.  We were married over twelve years by the time I filed.

Nope I'm not afraid to die. I realize more and more everyday that we really are just shells of this energy we all carry inside us. God and the Holy Mother or planet earth gave us this life. If you don't believe in God then God Dammit believe in Mother Nature. You see her, you feel her, she is tangible. Where do you think all these colors you see around you come from? Where do you think all this water comes from? The sun, the planet, the stars. The colors in the rainbow. The colors of our skin. Where did all these colors come from? You might not know but I sure in the hell do. You better believe in something. Believe in yourself and that if you have a heartbeat and you are still here you have a purpose. You are linked not only upstairs but right here. From what I here coming from upstairs we were all brothers and sisters at one time. Some of us a little closer and more often than others.

You know what I see when I look at people in their shapes and sizes. I see people look are shaped like bears. I see people who have the heart of a lion. I see courage inside people. I see hope and I see the light hidden under all this darkness of demons setting on peoples heads. I want you to know if I have crossed paths with you here on this planet good or bad I heard you. I heard every word. I heard the pain and I see the numbers. I see the twins. I see the giants. God Dammit my Fire is back.


I have always wondered if I have Eve who is Alex? I mean I knew she represented the bear, the lion, the rock but who is she? A couple of nights ago getting lost on the bus as usual. New area and all. They told me. I knew they would tell me someday. I had just let that question go because I knew someday they would tell me when I was ready. They told me "Alex is Destiny." This time they didn't say it in my head. I said it myself. "I'm destiny's mother and destiny's mother doesn't fuck around." Then I thought,"thanks guys, no pressure their." I'm good with it actually. Can't have Faith without Destiny ya know. I have discovered that we have separated fate from faith. They truly do go hand in hand. I guess my children not only have faith and faith behind them they have grandma faith and grandma fate and well so do I.

I think it's funny the conversation I had with the gas station attendant. The one just happened to be on how Weyerhauser and Hearst pulled together because Hearst was in the paper business and they the powers that be the Govt wanted to put a squash on tobacco and Hearst didn't want to lose the money so these two worked together and created somewhere else for the media to vilify and that just happened to be weed. Weed something our ancestors like the Lakota's and Dakota's use to connect and meditate with. This is how a lie can start very easily and throughout time this has happened over and over again. Seeds getting planted based on fears and lies. I happen to find this out just as Washington is getting rid of the Medical Marijuana and replacing it with the recreational marijuana. The people who used it as a medicine can no longer get the doses and mixtures the chose to use for their medicine. So now again we have another black market coming up.  Again we are going to get accused of breaking the law and take the blame because our Govt changed the parameters and rules and we have to live with it. (If it's on the internet it must be true? Not!)

I am so sick of hearing this is just the way it is their is nothing we can do. We just have to deal with it. I'm here to tell you, no you don't. It's like this because the Government and investors got into bed together. Due to cause and effect it is having a negative effect on the energy on this planet. If it affects mankind and creates more stress things go way off balance. Due to Religion and rituals we create added stress by treating your sisters less than for centuries in the work place at home and church. Everyday we continue this action it creates a negative effect. I ask you this, how is any of this behavior related to God? You know God is Love. Love just is. We are making it hard on each other and this system is making it harder and harder on us.

They in both sects create rules that make us feel bad for being human. Like we should be stronger. We should be strong enough to handle this right? It's bullshit and hogwash. When we do this we create the stress and we feel guilt and shame for breaking laws and rules. Not being strong enough. This action is making those demons grow stronger. So does Satan. That is what they don't want you to see. Demons are elusive. Demons are nothing but a bunch of out of control children. These demons they don't like Truth. Don't keep placing the lies and blame on each other for all these demons. Get them from the inside where it hurts.

I threw all I had into that black shadow until I fell to the ground to weak to throw anything else. Then I lifted my head and I looked at it and I said, "that's it, you don't want me to see the truth. Hidden under all this pain so I can't see you." From there I just kept moving forward. Getting stronger and stronger each day. I mean come on when you really think about it, I don't just have one destiny, I have 11 more. I guarantee you each one of my baby girls have twelve more destiny's behind them. They ain't gonna let anything happen to fate. At least that is what Faith tells me. I know I write about them now in the third person but when you write about yourself you start to see different sides of my personality. We all have different sides to our personality. We all have different characters. These aren't split personalities or multiples. This is DNA and Essence all wrapped up in one person. God gave us emotions to feel and to heal. In spite of what any doctor tells you emotions don't hurt permanently. Those pictures and movies when they take you back are just that. Yes you feel the emotions of what you see, and each time they take you back they show you a lil more and then you feel differently about that. Even less tears and maybe more drive or anger or frustration when the truth of what really happened hits you.  My family I have learned upstairs, they really like to piss me off. But hey who doesn't have a bad day at work?

It's when you get stuck in a emotion for days and days. Like that heavy weight or funk. I have discovered is more metaphysical than mental. Clear that black slime and all that pain out. If you get stuck like a stutter that won't turn off in your mind. That would be a lil demon trying to suppress your emotions and make you fear them. Tell them to fuck off or "in the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you." When you think about it demons don't want you happy. They don't want you to function and be happy. I mean why would they? They don't work for my God. It's the heavy suppression of layers and layers of stress of a broken heart that triggers it. Maybe feeling rejected one to many times. Then shake that demon off. I promise you they are fighters and they are going to make everything in your path hard. Harder to do anything you enjoy. They are energy suckers. Don't focus on a situation if your mind goes there just let the emotion play out and let the tears flow. What you wash out will get replaced with light and you will be stronger inside. That way when the day comes for us to represent. That One God through mother nature you will be strong and full on the inside and ain't nobody taking down this families children.

For the last couple of days they have been taking me to the bigger picture. When you really look around us. Weather the Govt or investors or even Mother Nature and God brewing up all this bad weather and storms. It is catastrophe everywhere. These are the smaller storms. Have you noticed at the same time more mental and physical illness? Energy people. Cause and effect. It just goes round and round. As far as all these nations go. Is their any one nation who is doing what they were all supposed to do in the first place is feed their people? Throughout history the USA is slowly and now very quickly gonna crash and fall. Has anyone in Govt really did a good job of this? Especially lately?

You are paying up the ass for all this insurance here which ain't jack shit anymore. We are nickled and dimed on insurance. Now people are stressed out about how we are going to pay off this life we lived after we die? Then the Govt has passed laws that we can pass the debt down to our children. Yea! My children get to carry my debt? I think not. Do you really think God or that family upstairs cares how your gonna pay off that green stuff after you die? Now we have commercials making us feel bad for not being able to pay for the box to bury us in? Insurance to pay for medical, dental, life and disability and all in between. We have insurance to pay for our pets because even that cost has sky rocketed. Hell who can afford to live anymore? Who want to live and have to work two jobs to pay rent in a dive or you all have to pull together and live together now to make it work?

We don't have purgatory in heaven people. We have it here on this planet. It is in our minds and hearts. That is our own purgatory. Rise above it. Don't you let any dark cloud take you down including that cloud we all depend on to keep tabs on our lives. What makes you think any insurance company is going to pay out after His Fist with Her Energy hits this planet? What makes you think these corporations are still gonna be there? I've been feeling a whole lot of wet on this one.

The only time I did not get up during the night and Greg did was when a shelf fell in the laundry room all at once. Boom! I couldn't move. I froze. I kept saying just move and get to your children. I couldn't but you know what Greg didn't move very often but he did that night. I'm hoping when he feels boom inside or out that he makes beat feet and knows just what to do. I keep telling him back up plan Greg. How are we going to reach our children with no power? He keeps blowing me off. Truly it is a good question and a realistic one. I guarantee you roads will be blocked or flooded because people are just gonna disappear. Well their souls are. When this goes down I guarantee you if its another bomb or war that starts this here not only will they hit but for awhile no food or medicine. If war starts this the Govt will really be in charge of everything and quite frankly I love my people, my country, but I don't like what I see all the way around. Please pull your head out of your ass or sand. I do not care what just look up. I fully understand two things that are happening and I know I can't stop it but I can tell you in the mean time how to get stronger and get right. I can tell you where to find your inner peace and power. I see the bigger picture and one of these days very soon we will have to get off that fence and decide who do you represent?

Oppression, suppression and depression. Demons like to suppress our emotions they like us to feel bad. Society such as the insurance companies control our well being and the psychotherapist give us med's to suppress our feelings. Medical doctors treat mental health issues and no longer pain and isn't that why we go to the doctors in the first place? Society and courts tell us anger is wrong as well as in some big books. I haven't found anything yet that encourages you to feel and heal.

Funny thing was a gas station guy or who was it that day that by chance mentioned something about the father of ADHD on his death bed admitted that ADHD was made up? He went into other ailments such as bipolar etc. We fed off of it. Pharmacies created the pills. All supply and demand. Create the disease, treat the disease all for money. Just like dentist in the old days and even today with the fillings. All to make money and keep the clients rolling in the door. You go to a eye care doctor and it turns into a buy and sell gimmick. Same thing at the dentist now.

It's the emotions I see now in so many ways when I look at the bigger picture that a band aid is being put on with all these synthetic drugs. I take them at times myself. I have just been able to heal enough that I hardly use them. I think for the last couple of weeks with everything I have been doing my back and head really aren't a bother. I mean I hardly hurt. Almost ten months ago I could barely move. Now I'm a buck fifteen of muscle a size zero one and I grew a half inch. I feel stronger on the inside and outside. I did something different. I shut up and listened. I followed my heart and I followed direction and guidance. Funny how when in some religions they tell you you can only receive information from God and when it is God and I discover a whole other family I'm the crazy one. You try finding out all at once your Claire everything.