This Is My Fight Song

04/12/2016

Last night they hit me again when I least expected it. My chore was done. I couldn't
get on a computer. I needed to just veg out for awhile. I was in Judy's car with the seat
kicked back. I wasn't thinking anything sad. I don't usually sing the songs. It's the
rhythm that moves me. Along with my hips. Then BAM! A wave of emotion swept
through me. Next thing you know I have my hands in the air bawling my eyes out. My right hand balled into a fist and was raised a lil higher than my left. The
left was facing palm up. I was yelling out, "I want my children to have faith in their
mother." It lasted about five minutes and when it was over I felt good. I'm not sure
what my litany was? I wasn't speaking in tongues.  I tried to find a pen and paper to
write down some of what I was saying. Just then Judy and Janet came out 45 minutes
early to the car. The music playing on the radio was "This Is My Fight Song..

I know it might be hard to believe but this isn't religion. I don't do religion
remember? This is just part of the experience to finding the answers on this journey. I
know I have written it in other ways that I want my children to have faith in me, but
until you truly experience your wish out there in the open with your true emotion you
can't manifest it. I thought I was done with me wanting my children to have faith in
me, apparently I was not. Now I just wonder how hard the rest of this journey is going
to be? Sometimes when they do this to me it's usually about the time I wonder just
why in the hell I am doing this anyways? They remind me and pull the depth of my
true emotion out of me. This is by far not the first time they have done this. This time
I did not ask they swept in at just the right moment, when I was alone. What adversity
do I have to face today or this week even?

The church we are staying at now really is a pain in the ass. I liked the location and
the old building and all the lil rooms. Good intentions of watching others? We have a
dilemma, we are all packed tightly in a lil attic. I sleep between to chalk board stands
tucked away in a corner. Apparently we are in a dangerous location two blocks from
the police station. The church doesn't have the usual parking lot but is off a local street
with open public parking spaces. So when men come and go around here I don't say
anything. It's not a private parking lot this time. We can't prop the door open so once
you get your bedding out of the trailer you wait outside. Once your in they like you to
stay in. You can't line up outside the door because people are still using the church on
the upper floors at this hour. Oh yeah, we can't use the hand soap or paper towels in
the bathroom on the wall. They need it for daycare by day. Two people left without
doing chores and now we are all locked inside until like six forty five. Others might
be okay with this but not me. If I'm not sleeping I'm always moving around. To lie
down in that hot mess and relax no thanks. I only sleep very few hours some nights
anyways. I can't get up early and get organized like I usually do. Their is no where to
go.

Last night we had an incident with a new one. I don't know her name but I will call
her Lil' Red. I had met her the night before this. It didn't go so well. I don't know
what I could of did differently? Some things just don't work out no matter what you
say or how you say it. She looks like Cyndi. Lil spark plug body with red hair. These
two could be sisters. It's pretty uncanny. I don't engage or diagnose or figure stuff out
for people. She had lost 2 packs of smokes that she just bought. One was gone.
She had lost them in the stair well and she had two people behind her coming up. Tina
B. and Niecy. She swore up and down that it had to be the new girl who took them
because now she can't find her. Niecy has been here before. She's only back for a
couple nights to come to her doctors. Lil Red stood in the middle of the room having a
tirade accusing Niecy of picking them up and pocketing them. I didn't say anything I
just watched. Niecy and Tina hadn't come in for the night yet.

I knew one thing for certain. The place Niecy was in, she was in a good place in her
life. She had money and her own smokes, I knew that they would not take her smokes. I found them out by the trailer the next morning. I couldn't go back into the building to give them to staff and such a headache to go up three flights. I had people waiting for me to drive them in the car. I couldn't find Lil Red outside and I knew she walked out of the building. I let everyone know I had them and they will be in the office when she gets back. Earlier I had seen Niecy and Tina and I asked them
if they had heard about this missing pack of smokes when they got back last night? Oh
yes they had. Not a good scene. I put my plugs in, cat mask and took my drugs and went to bed.
I don't mind missing out on nights like this.

This morning I walked through the front gate as Lil Red was walking down the stairs
from the back. I approached her with a smile on my face and I said, "well I got some
good news, and I have some bad news." I found your smokes they are in the office.
For the bad news Tina and Niecy are sitting inside and I think you owe them an
apology. She started getting all flustered and telling me how she looked everywhere.
When she announced she gave them the chance to return them. I explained to
her that they weren't even up there when she did that? She started to say something
about karma. My reply was this, "I don't see karma's work here. Not in this case
anyways. I see someone who got lucky. Lucky that someone else hungrier didn't pocket
them. I explained when some of these women are broke and have nothing especially
when they smoke and have to constantly ask someone else to cover them. As much as
others don't understand this, tobacco is our drug for now that calms our nerve's. This
is the medicine people choose at this time in their life.

 (I can't help that the Government put the poison in but for now it is what it is) So I understand how things go missing and don't come back to you. It just might be like a Christmas present to
someone else. You could of made someones day. I said "my point is out here not
everyone is a thief and you blatantly accused two people of stealing something that
you lost after all, and they still came back to you. Needless to say I did not get a thank you
and Niecy and Tina did not get an apology.

When I look at this one my heart goes out to her. She looks just like one of my nearest
and dearest to my heart and I know she's here for me to see something. When you see
things in the bigger picture you don't really sweat the small stuff anymore. I was gone
three nights ago. So I'm not sure if she arrived the night I was gone. On the second
night new rules were starting because of the door needing to be shut and people not
being able to get in and out. I was at the trailer and I told Kim I'm going in. When I
got to the door Lil Red see's me and she starts to to speak about how she wants to let
me in but they just went down this list of new rules. I told her "I understand, you don't
know me and don't open the door you are new. If that is what they told you it's okay."
She kept starting in that she wanted to. I repeated to myself to her, "it's okay. Close
the door, I understand." I knew staff was coming up behind me anyways. I didn't want
her to get into trouble. Then she yells out, "you don't have to have an attitude." My
body stopped and my head dropped. Are you kidding me? I took a deep breath. To
tired to deal with this one. She's defensive.  I didn't say how long I was gonna take
it. I'm not out to fix people. I have no desire to get involved in all the detail in ones
life. Some things just have a way of working out. This one is scared and she has very
lil trust. She's lost a lot.

I don't know how many things I have found out here and when I saw the person, I
gave it back. People are usually shocked. Especially the ones who fucked me over. It's
hard hit to take when you stole from me, your friend and lied to me about it? Then I
turn around and still return something of value that they lost? I don't do this to feel
good about myself. If I'm meant to have something that I find and I ask around and it
belongs to no one I keep it or give it away. If I find something and find the owner it
was not meant to be for me. I didn't realize at first when I returned things to someone
else out here just what they wanted me to learn from it? I had no intention to learn
anything? I was just returning something that didn't belong to me. I am learning to
look at the small lessons in life about trust and gratitude. It is the best feeling ever. It
didn't cost me anything to learn that. Some things in life are priceless.  These women
who teach me something new everyday really aren't as dirty as you might think. Not
to me anyways. I just don't know what I can do to help them right now in this broken
system of illusions and lies?