All On Me

04/22/2016

I can honestly say I am the most grounded I have ever been in my life. However my daughters don't see it that way. I have figured one thing out and that is "we hurt those that are closest to our hearts because they share our pain." That I have discovered to be so true with the three of us. Now that I get the behavior. It help's to have the answers ahead of time. With Alex the one thing she has an issue with is disrespect. I don't give a fuck what or who I am you never speak to your mother the way she speaks to me. That is something she is going to learn and until she gets this I am going to keep walking away. Truly I don't have to put up with it. I would never let my children speak to their father the way Alex speaks to me. They will learn just what I mean when I say together or apart we are all three working in perfect harmony. Me the red rock (then literally everything else but they don't know that yet) Alex, the planet and Kiley God.

I'm going to look at that room for rent tonight. It's a half hour walk from the bus stop and I don't care. I want out of dodge. I saw Michael yesterday evening and I about snapped. Talk about biting my tongue. If I can wave a magic wand over his head I would. Michael has had a job for three weeks. He missed one day for the VA. The second day at the doctors finally getting treated for his pain after all these years. Then he gets the flu for two days. He goes to work on Wednesday and on Thursday his boss drove him home to Federal Way from Kent/Tukwila area. Michael was dehydrated. I said to him "Michael your forty nine years old. Your a big boy now and you can;t figure this one out?" I see Michael making excuses and taking the easy way out. My rock is sliding and I cannot count on him anymore. Michael's birthday is 8/17/66. V said he has to get this by his fiftyth birthday. I'm thinking it's getting close to letting Michael go. To let Michael know he can do this on his own and that he is strong enough.

I've decided if I'm going to be a writer then it's time to go back to school and learn just that. My mother and Greg both stopped me from going back to school in my past and now that I know what they want from me it's as good as time to do it. I have no idea how much it's going to cost or if I can even sit still in a classroom again, maybe I'll get a tutor.

Avicii, Wake Me Up. Still an awesome song Here are some things that I have written down that have come across my path in the last few days.

God is a rock of my salvation. That rock thing again. I wondered where that rock thing came from that I screamed about.

"It's not your life, it's life. Life is bigger than you. Life isn't something you possess it's something that you take part in and witness." Louis C.K.

Eph 6:9-20

"I am not who I used to be, I'm not what I want to be. I'm becoming who God wants me to be."

F.E.A.R.
Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything AND RISE. Who do you want to be? What do you teach your children? Do we teach them to run? We guide them. We teach them through us. Adversity, where do you stand with that?

Try this one for size. "Show respect even to people who don't deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character but a reflection of yours." People are so rude and entitled it is sickening. It has spread like a disease. This one pisses me off. The only reason I see for someone else to be an asshole of a human being is to make yourself feel better. Really you are the little person when you behave this way.

How about this one, I might of typed it before or maybe it's on my Facebook. This one is meant as a two way street. We have become such a society of hurting each other. Male and female. Sisters and brothers so you all want to play dirty with each others lives here is some more food for thought.

"Any man can fuck you, feed you, and buy you shit. It takes a real man to help you become a better woman, to build with you and work with you, in building a better life." You represent each other together or apart. All times you represent each other to move forward in your lives. In any relationship you should lift each other up and help each other become the full potential of who they really are. So they can spread their wings and fly. To become stronger. The goal here is to do it together in any relationship you have with each other. We are so broken and have a fear of abandonment that we feel threatened by each others growth. You should feel full filled together or apart with one goal in mind. My goal is my family being together and complete. When two parents have this they create strong children on the inside. To tell you the truth with what we have coming up, well it's time to empty that heart out of all the poison and lies you've been told. So you can represent. Who the hell do any of you think I mean when I say represent?

At first I didn't even understand that? I do now. It started out God and Mother Nature. Through the generations they keep coming back through a essence in all of us. We represent that family up there. That is who I am talking about. This family has kicked my ass and whipped me in shape. Some days I feel like a big hunk of dough as they slap me all up and down my body. Nothing like being stabbed in the heart and then have every layer of every emotion poured out of me. Fuck yeah it hurts. Not permanently. It is temporary, feel it, just accept it and let the emotions wash through you. It's not about blame people. It's about our emotions and how empowering it is to feel again. They don't want us to feel. They want us to hurt and to stay zombies so we don't notice what is going on around us. They want us to be unaware of all these lil pesky demons I see in the mental illness and the legal and illegal pharmaceutical and medical system.

They want us to stay hidden and buried so that when we hurt no one will see. These demons are going to lift all at once. One things demon's don't like is to be seen and truth. Demons don't like to be called out on their shit basically. You can all lift those demons off of you. The ones that make you feel shame and guilt in all this religion to keep you afraid. How do any of these religious rules play into God's plan? How is the way we treat each other in all this religion really work? The way I see it it doesn't. You don't need rules or to run yourself ragged to keep up with the Jones'. All you need to do is feel again. When all that pain comes pouring out, you will feel it. You will start to feel the light. you will get stronger in His light. That is my goal. To enlighten you on what truth really is.

I read on my Facebook this EMP Strike. Like I said I'm not sure how the power is going out, but I know it is. Also all these pretty pictures and documents you have saved will be gone. Time to go back to being Amish. No cell phones. What is your back up plan to find your family? How are you going to find your heart? How are you going to find your children? How are you going to feed your children? Especially after this hits? The Government I assure you will make a play for the food and medicine. Whats your back up plan? Who are you going to turn to when the chips fall?

Their is an ending in all these big books coming down on us. Some we created and some we did not. I think it was two nights ago, I was getting ready to walk from the transit center to the church. I look over to where I was heading and right over where I am walking to their is a pink thunderstorm going on. I just walked and smiled and enjoyed the light show. Of course I didn't have a coat or a sweatshirt that day. Universal signs? I like my families signs so much better than yours. I like how they are teaching me things first hand on shit I had not a clue about. I can honestly say I had not one mother fucking clue what all this was about. I'm dreading that conversation I need to have more and more each day. The perks in this family tree are oh so much nicer than any perk I have ever experienced. Let alone think even possible. When you think about it I got to experience not only the pain and emotion of my family tree through the generations, but now that is over I get to see and experience the flip side of that.

I wasn't a bad person before but to tell you the truth I know who I am. I might not understand fully the magnitude of who I am because I'm still learning. I have no idea how big the world really is or where places are even at? Damn that China anyways. I found out toward the end of my ebt class from Rob about the new Star Wars movie. He filled me in on how China wouldn't let the female main character on the poster be shown. I asked Rob one question. What was her characters name? Ray. I laughed my ass off. Not for the people that are going to lose their lives. Don't worry they are going home. Except some are going to the other home.

Quite frankly I'm done with this shit. Money before people. What about the air? All for money please. All those families who had to give up their daughters to work a farm? Are you fucking kidding me? My daughters might not be very big but I guarantee you my children are strong inside and out. They might not understand all I have told them but they will when it hits. I might not have a clue where my sister and my nieces are but we did this for a purpose. I promise you you touch any of my children's heads one mother fucking dot on those 12 fruits of my tree not yours you will feel the deadly repercussions of the seven deadly sins and you can join them in hell when I shut that door. Don't even think of touching my four horseman's families. I am not playing any games here. Quite frankly I don't like games. Not when it comes down to my families lives.

They woke me up for a reason and I understand what my destiny is now. I admit I was fighting it before. I realized one other thing I said to those two red heads when they woke me up that night. "No not now. I need time to find myself. I need time to find out who I am." You see even in these moments they heard every prayer. I didn't even know I was praying. I didn't even know I was fighting with my sisters back then. I didn't even know I was looking for my man. I remember writing I'm looking for warrior number one. Back then I didn't know he was warrior number one right here on this planet. I didn't know what the hell was going on? I didn't know why they kept taking me back to him? I do now. Sometimes when they talk to me when I hit the nail on the head. I will touch the ball at the end of my nose. Now I just give a nod. I think I understand what they meant by they want me to walk into the ring of fire. I admit at first I wanted to run. I mean guide what? They are all grown young women, whats to guide? What book? What new beginning? What new dawn? What the hell is this howl at the moon stuff? Who howls at the moon? Now I discovered the answer to that rodeo ride and to tell you the truth if I could walk away today I would. Not from my family, never that. I made an agreement and I made a lot of agreements down this line. So no matter what I got to see what the day brings. I'll never find out until I get at it.

I read in this Christian Science book a error happens one night. Bring it bitch. I'm ready.