From the Beginning

 I know I have hardly written in a long while. It took my father 6 years to get back to me in a very vivid dream. We were on my back patio me father is sitting to my right facing me, he is telling me that Jim is not a good man. My answer was love all he needs is love. Now that I know what I know now and not then that is the answer they wanted, love. The first time I stood in front of God begging God not to make my children lose their father they already lost their mother. Don't do this to them. Once again, my answer my children and love. Not me. Do what you want to do with me just not my children. Take note I didn't know what this was about.

I stood in front of God 3 different times in 3 different gardens with Greg's head on the ground, chained with his hands behind his back. My right leg feeling pushed to kick him in the rib's. I'm screaming and crying. Later it was Michael's life I was begging for. I'm hitting my fist on the ground screaming this was not the agreement. This was not the agreement God. The agreement was that nothing happen' s to Michael. He was supposed to live. Not to take Katie and Phil's father. His children have been through enough. I had seen Michael riding a red bike by someone I went to high school with property. He was an upper classman. Kyle and There's. I didn't find out this until weeks after agreement. Another twin peaks, the show and it just happens it's filming the sequel. All I could do was was think of the crazy log lady. I'm literally walking around them at that time. I said 2 myself, the father did it. 

 The 4th time in front of God Michael is wearing his tie dye t-shirt with a big white heart that he always wore whenever we see my X. I asked V Michael's X who also made an agreement B4 me why Michael always wears this shirt? She said Michael is here 4 love. She was also likely sitting in her zero-gravity chair, on zero ground, which means no power. Her agreement was also to be willing to look crazy. What I saw was Michael riding arm's wide open, head back toward the sun. A car hit him from behind. They drove off and all I could C was Michael laying in a ditch. I thot dead. I'm on my knee's pounding my fist on the ground. Screaming at God, begging and pleading. I lit all of Cyn's candles. I took out Keith's weed box with a red bike on top.

I discovered just recently that I did the same thing with Kyle. Sitting late in 2 the night. Having a peaceful spiritual moment. I was reading a old message from Craig. It said that when I look at the stars in the sky, then something about an undercover angel. I bawled. Then I'm running and screaming thru the parking lot. I got to the road heading for red rock road. I said out loud that I don't care about the rat's and snakes. I laid in the middle of the field. Curled in 2 a ball and went 2 sleep. I awoke at dawn cold. I walked to the last big mound on the left. Curled up on the side of the mound facing east, the morning sun and slept some more. Some 1 again called the police cuz some1 is sitting on a red rock. He came to check my ID. I told him he's blowing my mojo. 

I was told we were going down in a plane 4 years from now. I'm running and screaming begging God not 2 take him. They lost their 2 mothers' young. Don't make them lose their father too.

 I made 4 agreements. When I made this agreement, I wasn't thinking of V and her agreement. I felt like when I got to V's house it was set up just for me. Her and I were feeling and thinking the same thing's. V showed up at our house, we were renting a room in Si View. I had no idea she even knew where we lived. I'm sitting outside on the back patio with my bong that I was using CBD oil or high CBD flower for pain. Plus, my enhanced joint. A man whose son was addicted to meth, took it upon himself to break my bong and took the nail. 

Someone is always taking or stealing my pain med's. Like Christine another server from work. Knew where I had them, she got in my wallet and took them. Christine you are a coward. Just because U admitted to Cyn doesn't mean your forgiven. Cyn does not speak for me. Before it was Zion Mary thinking she had the right to take my med's because as an adult she thinks she own's me and has all the rights still. Before this it was Greg. I am done. U don't get 2 decide my pain and how I treat it. U don't get 2 humiliate, belittle, ruin my character, to try and take me down with your illusions and lies. U don't get to steal from me. Take thing's from my home. Throw out my holey jean's. U don't any of U to lay a hand on me. U mentally ill and mentally healthy don't get to do 1 God damned negative thing towards me. I am done paying for your sins. Pick your door.

Shadows Of the Night/PB

 I thru away all my pills except 2 the last February B4 the time I made another agreement to walk thru the valley shadow of death for 5 days. I had no idea who I was speaking to B4 I went in.I didn't know what that was. I didn't know what was wrong. 6 months later I kept hearing write, write. On this night I was to tired. I narrated what they wanted to say. Remember I'm just figuring out what a scribe is. Since I have remembered 3 things from my childhood that I had written. I was about 4 to 5 years old. I'm sitting in an insurance office writing. I had been doing this for the last couple day's writing. I wrote about emotions. There was an older man he seemed upset and emotional. The insurance office had a big elk on their sign. 

Home/BS

The second was a song in 5th grade. I don't remember the lyrics. Just the title. It was Keep On Trucking For the Lord. The 3rd I was about 20. I realized I will never have a relationship with my father. He was married to his bottle. I named it The Man Without the Bottle. I told him how intelligent he was. I wrote about his carpentry. I wrote maybe in the next life we'll meet again. Now I look back I should of named it Letting Go or Forgiveness.

Tryin to get over U/VG

Back to V's unexpected visit. Her behavior was social and very outgoing, open and honest. She was happy, laughing and smiling. This is not V's normal personality. I went with it. She sat down across from me. She tells me about the agreement she made. To be willing to look crazy. No one knew, not even Michael. That she was diagnosed Bi-polar when, I believe a teen. Take note she's a Gemini, twin's.I was angry with Michael for not telling me and him catering to her mental illness. He finally told me he didn't know. She was really good at hiding it. Months later I laughed. I had found out in spring of 2017, that I had been married to a mentally ill man. Well, I have discovered more since my agreement. My laughter was here I am being angry at him for not telling me.

Neon Moon/BD

Here I am doing the same thing with no knowledge either. It was in the winter of 2015 walking back to another house of blue at the Gateway. 1 of the 4 thing's my sister told me in November 2013. 

1. That I am not just Cherokee from my great grandmother, but that she married a Navajo. I knew this but didn't think much about it. Later I realized the suitcase of old photos that my grandmother Lily kept under her bed. I was about 3 when I started going thru these photos. My Great grandmother Bishop. Beatrice Bishop she and their children looked like birds to me. Eagle and hawks is what I saw, but this photo these native's looked much different. Very round faces. There were 7 to 8 people standing in front of a cabin. Overalls and butch haircuts. The one standing to the left had one blue eye and one brown eye. My great grandmother including her 12 brothers and sisters. 

Queen Of Hearts/ JN

2. This I didn't know was that my first home wasn't where I was born, Renton. They turned the hospital later in 2 a Kmart. The joke was that I was a blue light special baby. It was the gateway. The first person to pick up the phone was a shelter in the Gateway. I went to school with Lisa who managed the shelter. I had kept hearing house of blue. V had a pepto bismol blue house. Her beasty blue truck. This House Of Hope was blue. another house of blue.

Wild Horses/GB

3. That I was a Kennedy on my Irish Catholic side. My grandma Catherine Anne Mulligan. I knew this also but never really thot about it. What am I go8ng to do, show up at their home, howdy cousin? Like that comedy where Quaid show's up with his very red neck family for Christmas. It was Chevy Chase's house. Now I don't know if I'm a Kennedy, but I do know I carry the curse of the Rose. Later looking at the Kennedy's history, I finally discovered a few things since. I thot it was about money. Why John Kennedy was shot and killed in 63 in Dallas Texas, and Robert in 68? I thot they were killed at first because they were influential, well liked. Then I went to the money, the Kennedy's couldn't be blackmailed. They had their own money. This family had been in politics for I don't even know how many decades. 

I will FOllow U/CT/and If God Is on for us

It wasn't until after I got this apartment with the history channel. I think it was Ancient Alien's that I finally got the answer. John wanted to speak the Truth about the Alien's. The CIA didn't want this out. The excuse was it would create a panic. The Truth was our government want's the public to think that man and law their unconstitutional laws were the highest beings on my rock. Man, and law. The first time and only time I heard a voice come off someone. it was the nursing home. Mrs. Laws was there about 3 weeks. She was with it. Could communicate and carry a conversation. She was weak and slower moving but otherwise good. I was walking down the hall. She was screaming like a baby. Her night gown above her waist. No blanket and she is strapped down all four limbs. The word was dignity. She was right you don't treat my flock with dignity.

U Say/LD

 Then I finally found an article about their sister Rose. She was a young adult. A young woman who wanted some freedom. She wanted to date boys. Perfectly normal. Her father had a frontal lobotomy done to her so she wouldn't be promiscuous. This is the Kennedy curse right here and my curse of the Rose. It is also why my aunt Judy had meningitis at 6 weeks old. She never went past the age of 5. I went to her school with her as a child. I don't know how I knew the answer maybe my CNA class Junior High. My grandmother told me it was the 106-degree fever that killed off part of her brain. I explained to my grandma after almost 50 years of no one telling her what happened to her daughter. I explained it was the virus that caused the fever not the fever that did it. She sat crying. All this time and no one told her the truth. 

Faithfully/Journey

4. That I wanted 12 children when I was younger. I said bite your tongue, I felt like I barely survived, and they barely survived my 2 born daughters. I got pregnant by Greg 4 times. None planned. The first was Rose. For the longest time I saw a black cloud around this pregnancy. I couldn't see on this journey in the first 2 month's if it was a male or female. I was later reminded on this journey, that I made an agreement as a child like 5 or 6 years old. I said I will name my first daughter Rose, after my grandma Lily's perfume. I was having contractions at 4 months with Alex. I was told to go on full time bed rest. Greg laughed punched me in the arm and said U can do it. He did not acknowledge past that. 

Packing and hauling, Painting and decorating the nursery. No help from Greg. I made the crib set, with matching bumper pads and pillows. Helping Greg with the installation of the wood stove. Found a pedestal sink and a matching mirror on clearance, along with linoleum. I called Bob Greg's dad. A man who could fix and build anything. I didn't know if Greg knew anything about plumbing. They didn't put the mirror I bought back in. Bob thot Greg would do it. I had asked Greg for 3 weeks 2 put the mirror back in. I'd get a spike migraine from the smell. I have been getting shown all the time's Greg ignored me. It was all the time. He wouldn't do one thing I asked. I'd do all the investigating, pricing and quality on stuff. GO back and discuss with Greg. If someone else said something for example the brother printer. I expressed from the beginning a no. Adam liked his so Greg ignored and did just the opposite, every mother fucking time. This is what they've been showing me. Later years a medium told me not to ask him for anything. It gives him power. It's part of the curse. When he bought or did anything I requested he flat out ignored me for years. Truly this man would leave me for dead if there was no one around. I'm not even worthy to eat.They have been showing me my life with Zion and Greg and his mother. All the similarities. The control, the threats, the nit picking, judgement, River of Denial, Deflection and blame I ask what the perception of the Truth is coming from a class A narcissist, and sociopath, sadomasochism, misogynist perspective B on Truth My sister and I wondered how we married 2 men that were like our mother? My sister lived thru the same thing with the father of her children. Elaine has apologized 1 time. I wrote a 7-page letter to her B4 Kiley was born. Greg read it approved it. I wasn't putting up with the childish behavior. All because I asked if she could hold off for 3 weeks, so Greg could bond. Greg had to convince her in 2 coming to C their first-born grandchild. She never showed up 2 help at all. I pointed out the blame and the lies. That I am the only who has provided grandchildren, and this is the way U have treated me. She called after she read it and apologized. It was an empty apology bcuz she went right back to that childish behavior. I told her of all her gatherings I was right by their side, helping. I was the only one who cleaned the house and did laundry. I've discovered that they always ruined my day. Threats of abandonment, not allowed to show emotions yet they can misbehave ruining the birth of my children. My family's tradition's, being judged. Even buying easter dresses, I'm judged by the mentally ill, being judged' made to suffer and pay. All during childhood and after being punished and judged by Greg then Greg and Mary. Going over that first set up and I hadn't noticed 

All The Right Moves 1 Republic he set up the first time he had me meet with Mary. He said it was to discuss making her a partner and taking on investors in my business. That isn't what happened at all it was a spousal agreement that I had no rights to do anything, being on computer. In putting billing from files. Answer phone. A page and a half of telling me I can no longer do my job. I can only enter in 2 the front lobby. The day before my surgery he did this and the day of he was supposed to come home and feed me. Take me to the restroom. He didn't call or show. He came home all happy after 7 and said he went 2 lunch with Mary and it was her idea to make me a nice dinner. Like this is normal. The next day after my surgery Greg called wanting 2 know if I met with a lawyer about this contract signing my rights away? This man had no logic, no common sense. Dumb as a box of rocks. Later we all 3 met with my lawyer. He told them I'm not signing it and he has never seen anything like it. It was a 300-dollar bill, Greg said he's not paying it. It has nothing to do with the business. Remember the allowance I was given after years of doing the billing and managing the money. Greg had no logic with money or investments. I had to pay for grocery and gas. Whatever bill I had for going back to work, I was made responsible, we weren't even separated. He couldn't respect to live in the back. After a couple weeks he took it upon himself to come back to my bed. All 4 of my dogs attacked him, then later that night I was attacked by Greg pinning me down, dry humping me and rubbing his face in my neck and shoulders. Nope there was no Truth or justice. There wasn't a justice system at all. An unwarranted restraining order. He just screamed at me that I let my children get out of line. In my lobby, well it used to be. It was a children's class. The kids did that once or twice a class. Another set up. the 3rd time they tried. I'm told I have to watch my tone. I can't inflict my voice even with frustration. I was following behind him, What I said quietly and firmly was don't you turn your back on me. He opened the door to the other lobby. For blackmail I was told by these 2 that I would be made to pay for half of his school loans. I paid already.

With Kiley, I almost miscarried her at 2 months. I was working at this time and had to quit. I was writhing with lower back pain all night long. Greg did not acknowledge or would he take the day off work to help me. Then the fourth pregnancy by Greg. I didn't need a pregnancy test on my 2 to 4th pregnancy. It was the dizzying black cloud. I recognized the feeling from my first pregnancy. All I could do was sleep deeply. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This 4th pregnancy was Kiley's Irish twin. What upset me when I miscarried this one. Turned out 2 B my brother. The name Elijah Todd. The 5th by another man I had no idea. Her name Jimmie Jane another nick name JJ. I wanted a girl JJ.

Remember When/AJ

 I was highly stressed I didn't know how I was going to do 3 children with an absentee husband. Whom didn't stick to any agreement? The agreement to stop all this having to get out of town. To stop the party. He didn't slow down. It was all about Greg. He did what he wanted when he wanted, and it was up to me to pack load and haul for these road trips. Prepping and cooking meals, and shopping for these road trips. Plus, I was his designated driver. In California, during my pregnancies and after. Greg was my designated driver one time in California. Yes, nothing happened when we met Gwen and Kenny in San Fran at Again nothing happened, nothing. In the car all I said was I miss my friend. He say's oh here U go again. U over did it once again. He brings up 3 and a half years earlier when I visited Greg at school. I had been here many times because I had friends at Western from my school years. He was going to study after we had dinner. I wasn't very experienced with alcohol. I had 2 glasses of red wine at dinner along with him. Then I had like 2 to 3 shots of tequila. Let's just say so I didn't feel well. I never got emotional. This night for 2 hours I was just a hole to him flip flopping me around.

Crazy/Aerosmith  

That I was on my own. Just so happens Gwen was also there. He kept bringing this up over the years. I don't know what he was so upset about, he fucked me for 2 hours like he did at least the last couple of years in our marriage. Flip Flopping me around like a rag doll kitty cat. No regard for me or if I'm getting pleasure. He didn't touch me at all during. I was just a hole not a human being. I got up in the middle and turned on the light wondering what is going on? I thot it was my mixture of alcohol and being sick. I was blaming myself.  Take note from day one our first date Greg drank every day. When I first met his mother and father, martinis after work. Elaine didn't even have her coat off. 

Don't Stop Believing/J

Later at the end of our marriage I realized he was punishing me. That is what this man did after we bought that fucking biggest fixer upper ever. He punished me. Would just stop for example mowing the lawn. He just stopped. My sleep clinic doctor told me I needed to hire help. Greg wouldn't let me. He found out I gave my neighbor boy a lawn mowing job for the summer. Like 10 bucks a week. He races home b4 Cody got there and start's mowing the lawn. Then he walks in the slider and asked why I couldn't mow the lawn? That's what he would do passively aggressively drop his job, his only consistent job in our house. He'd just stop. This is the summer he came in and took the books to get caught up working from home with my girls. I had been trying since winter to get him to hire a bookkeeper. He refused. He didn't want to pay for one. Why would he, he had his Jack Ass of all trades, Jack Ass of a wife to do his bidding.

Fire and Ice/PB

I named Kiley's Irish twin, Elijah Todd. My mother who is racist. A closet racist. She said that's a black name. I said no it's a peaceful name. My brother deserves to have a peaceful name. Yes, when I named him not knowing it was really a boy and my brother, or Father Jesus Christ? However, when I named this one, I pictured an older black man in overalls sitting on his front porch, strumming his guitar on his farm. At peace, serenity. Later on this journey on the history channel. I discovered that God had a prophet that didn't die, God just took him home. His name Elijah.

Life In the Fast Lane/Eagles

On my fifth pregnancy by Jim, it is the first time ever I didn't know I was pregnant in the first 3veeeks maximum. I didn't find out until 12 to 12 and a half weeks. No sign's once so ever. Her name is Jimmie Jane. My sister's name is Kimmie. Jim's real name James. I had a JJ in my family and names carry on in my family. I wanted my own JJ. MY own bird, My own blue Jay. I aborted her with no drugs at 12 and a half weeks. As I was walking out the door the nurse stop's me, she said that was the most incredible thing she had ever seen.

U probably wonder about my two abortion's I had a conversation with both. I told God on the first. I'm not ready, emotionally or financially. I gave them both back. With Jimmie Jane I was not raising another kid when I have 2 more to feed and care for. I wasn't having a baby with Jim. He was a compulsive liar. He acted like my life and my children's didn't matter. He was an alcoholic, financially, physically and emotionally abusive. He literally lived off me for a year and paid for nothing. More broken agreements. All these lies and broken promises. Iwas not bringing her into this world with a father like him. Him and his daughter Haley was like living with the grifters. Stealing from me, destroying my stuff and no follow thru on any agreement. I heard after I made this agreement that Jim and Mary Cochran Stone are not God's. No it wasn't about revenge. I had not thot of these two yet when they said it right at the beginning of this journey. Jim and Mary R not one of God's.

Holding Out 4 A Hero/BT Secret Dreams and Forbidden Fire

Thot's Lately

I don't want to lose these thoughts so I'm just going to document them real quick they've been going over similarities of my life with my mother to the s*** that I jumped into Marrying Greg the similarities you know the games with my life running me ragged my mother I went through four cars by the time I got to this car and then she's constantly calling me threatening me that she's going to take this car she's going to you know like she has rights just always threatening me and just they're going through the similarities and then I marry a guy who actually takes the car and then who actually takes everything the rest of what I have and they're like just and I'm just fuming right now just going through this number two new paragraph

The other thing is how neither one of them could let me go both of them had to make me pay in some way and they're showing me not only how Zion Mary would make me pay but I was aware of her and her games it was how Greg made me pay every day in our marriage just for the basics just for heat just for groceries and you know demanding more and more and more and not getting credit for anything how he would just hang over me even at the end of my pregnancy telling me I have to finish painting this armor and he's standing over me telling me you have to open the store what a horrible mom you know how dare you not think of your baby and I'm like how dare you not think of the mother like he can't throw on a coat of paint and then I asked him to put the doors on and he can't even bother to put him on straight but he's standing over me and this was like the rest of my marriage you know I'm doing these projects and he's standing over me telling me I have to finish them and I'm not even getting credit for what I had to put into in the leg work for this office and you know anything that I asked for in my marriage anything no matter what it was can I we have our jasmine rice no can I plant you know large peapods in the garden no you know and he's just you're wasting money with a bag of lettuce but I want to sell it every night like I'm going to drive into Issaquah you know to go get six heads of romaine to save money and it was just asinine the nitpicking and but he couldn't start a job he didn't know how to start a job I had to learn how to you know do the sheetrock and the mudding and the taping which together was showing me I had to learn how to put in a yard and take out the boulders this guy wanted to save money and he wouldn't pay for lawn service to come and pick up the recycling for the lawn so I had to break it up and take it up to the dump he wouldn't pay for recycling so I had to take it up and the guy would just leave garbage f****** everywhere in my yard but you would nip it to f*** out of me in my home he didn't have heat issues food issues how clean my house is where I got my haircut then I worked out at the gym he had no f****** issues with anything that I did but once we got to this house he has issues with f****** everything and before we even opened this office I remember that's when my keys kept disappearing and I had four sets of keys and I found them all in his bag his empty bag was one t-shirt with unmailed bills and it's like f*** just when God said sabotage he wasn't f****** kidding this guy did everything he could do to make it hard and I literally got garbage and I was treated like garbage f*** just they're just going over this with me how much that my mom and Greg took for granted just constantly threatening me threatening me telling me how to be and there's sociopathic f****** games just to have control over something that never needed control but you big brother did not let me defend myself in order for me in my word to ever be truth again talk about destruction of character my clients and my office anybody knew that was hired

So I'm only just walking this last couple days trying to do everything I can do to keep my body going to do this video I mean I at least have to be able to stand without the dizziness and falling over and I don't want to hold on to my chest and I finally got through the shaky legs and room and the dizziness but the dizziness got worse and so I'm and I was still weak and I had to hold the walls and furniture to get into the bathroom I hate being like this cuz I'm afraid I'm going to fall in that bathroom and I did fall again it bruises all on my back because I fell between the toilet trying to sit on it but I missed and so yeah this this sucks nobody knows what I have speaking of I got to make an appointment thanks for the reminder bye

A New Discovery On My Prayers

I'm not sure if it's in a past post, like one of the last 3 maybe. They keep taking me back 2 show me more. Deeply, higher to the Truth. 

I wrote about this journal maybe. I realized they put me in another position of emotions To get t the prayer out of me. 

8 begged for Greg's life his soul for the sake of my children. The night under the full moon on the red rock. They said he goes down in a plane in 4 years. Actually it was we. 

It was the God Damned same mother flocking prayer I said 4 Greg. I was running down a deserted road screaming no. No

 No. They already lost their mother, don't make them lose their father too. This was the night * slept on the ground in the gold field. I said I don't care about the rats and snakes. 

Some of U 9n my path I've been tempted 2 send 2 hell, but I can't. Not when I look at the laws and the abuse of power.

 I'm tak8ng it all back. None of U will get my power. 

Friday The 13th

I am pissed again. It seem's In 2 to 3 day's I lost a week plus. ON tueasday I knew the date. It dawned on me Friday the 13th. I was so mad on Friday the `13th Mother's Day when I stuck the flag in the ground, I wanted itto end not be a sign. My feet were killing me I could barely walk. Especially hard wood floors or cement. In 2 day's time from tuesday to Thursday, I thot Thursday was Friday and I thot it was next wek for Friday the 13th. I'm telling myself yes. I can do this. I can get this done. Friday the thirteenth is one week from today. It was Thursday and Friday the 13th was the next day. I was thinking at the time to post this on Michael's birthday the 17th of August on a Tuesaday. Still thinking over a week away. All because I get on this post. connect to the clouds I lose track.

Papa Loves Mama.GB

Everything sunk in last night after I got on the calendar. The messages I sent Michael the day b4, about his birthday asking question's about payday and paying to eat out for his birthday. No wonder Michael was confused. I don't know if it's the movies and my family reunions about the fourth of July and the apocoplyse? Even though I'm a smart ass singing and dancing in Joy and Faith, I lack Faith when I have no idea when U want me to do this? Will I even be able to move B4 this, let alone lift anything of my body without painmeds? Pain meds and sumthing like a real muscle relaxer might help to get me thru. I know what will rellay get me thru is U. Only U well and my many many guides have the power to move me. TO speak thru me. When? When? When? It has been such a long haul in so many way's. It's not overly stressing me. Yet it is so in the back of my mind everyday, the one U want 2B, is he still alive? 

All I ever wanted CW

I really really hate U right now.

The Curse Of The Pig

That's My Story/CR

Still connecting. I keep going back to the pig. The first time it came up in my life? When I stopped eating ham? What the trigger was? What family I was with when I started eating ham again? Who served me ham the day I was handed a 2 page document saying I can't enter anywhere or do anything in my office except be a patient in the waiting area. When I had legal custody of my father, he's in a nursing home. His 3rd home in 3 years. During this time of all times, I'm in the middle of another big project, taking out a wall in my house. My father, my children, Greg's family, still not knowing it is I whom came dead last in everything.Not that Greg's parents would care. 

I had no choice but 2 open a Chiropractor office. Greg's income went from 5 thousand bucks a month, it slowly dwindled down to 1500 bucks. 

If I didn't beat feet we'd lose everything. Especially that piece of shit house. I had a plan in 2 day's. I get a call from him telling me I have 2 do my part on the office physically. With my own 2 hand's. This is what I mean by no credit. I was in there the night of my father's funeral doing my part. He didn't C the game plan. The legwork going in2 it. The going in2 Issaquah Lowe's and Je Depot pricing and picking up everything I need 2 begin with. Drawing up plans. Dealing with the city. Dealing with signage. U let Mary and Greg after all this my part bullshite. Running again 2 Issaquah whenever they needed more of sumthing. It's par for the course for me 2 drop what I'm doing 2 pack up my kid's and run last minute errands 4 him. Did he one time help me when I asked 4 or needed help? Nope. I let these 2 blackmail me by getting billed 50 percent of his school loans if I said anything about what they did. 

Knowing what I know now from then, I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Where was your so called blanket justified system? Flock U don't U ever tell me what to be thankful 4. Jaded is right. I said to Kevin when he called me that and explained what it meant. That I don't believe in love. I'm saying in my head, "well if the shoe fit's." I don't believe in love? I don't believe in a happy ending?

Living Blind/CB

Blind Justice, in a system that we have no justice. River of denial not just upstairs. Everywhere. Righteousness. U know what is missing on Justice's statue? A blind fold. I keep feeling like I discovered something huge yesterday morning? I did. Trying to reah it again. I do know what I have connected in my life. Those pigs. Who R the pig's anyway's? Is it the cop's? R they the pig's that Jesus put the demon's in the pig's?

Big Green Tractor/JA

Yup just one way. I mean we have our very sick white meat the chicken's whom R sick before they get to the slaughter. They serve us up. They can't keep up. SO we R served this poison. Then pork become's my new white meat. Who own's the pork industry. Corporate America. They get a write off serving us this shite. What do we get? What do they get? We get put in a black box any way they can. They poisoned the host any way they can to feed an industry. U passed law's Big Brother to support this. I hate U I hate I hate U. 

Her Man/Ga

 mother flocking tax machine. One thing I remembered was the pig. When my father first expalined why they called him Pij. Wgen I was kittle I asked my father why does everyone call him Pij? My father explained that he was only 2. He wasn't happy about having a little brother. He was it and he liked it that way. He explained. I was trying to say pig., it came out pij. The name stuck for the rest of Richard's life. A teacher in CAlifornia whom married a Penny the copper penny. Another teacher.

Modern Day Bonnie And Clyde/TT

The next time pig's and ham came up. Gwen's mother Sue Noon. The new CHristian. Christian Crazy for JEsus CHrist. Wait till she find's out JC was sitting at her table all those yars. She chose Mr. 666. Not the daughter. The little gorl that she saw no crazy or mental illness anytime ever. Gwen myself and Sue visited a nursing home with Gwen's dog named Peppy. Gwen had to bathe and trim Peppy B4 we went. A woman in a wheelchair and no nose just 2 hole's in her face, like a pig. She is scooching her feet in her wheel chair moving closer to me and gwen arm's out stretched. The number four keep's coming up here. I kept thinkink this happened in fourth grade, but I know we didn't start hanging out until the fifth grade. That night at dinner Sue served mushy ham. Not falling apart at the bone. If this ham had a bone I had no idea. I got a lash of that woman with a pig nose, I didn't eat ham again.

Red Rock Road/B And D

I didn't eat ham until Greg's mother's ham. I didn't eat bacon for many year's after I learned from an hrbologist the worm's that to much pork leaves in your intestines. The next time I had ham was Mary Cochran Stone. The day B4 my surgery that was planned month's B4. He call's me telling me I have to meat with Mary Stone. We had had a argument just B4. I thot Greg hired someone to catch up the basic book's. I had been asking him since that winter to hire help. He didn't want to pay out. I was slammed. Slammed. It's sumwheree in here where the firsttime in our whole marriage afterall this bullshit hearing I have to do my part. DO my part hand's doing sumthing in that office. I have to do my part on my part that while he's earning 1500 enuf for our mortgage. I'm running and gunning with 2 lil girls in tow pricing finding space and dealing with the city. The floor plan. All that we needed in this office. I priced everything down tothe penny.

Bless This BRoken Road

WHen that man showed up at my door telling me he's having an affair. He could of killed us if he'd been mental. The mental one was my husband whom truly ignored me during this. He didn't acknowledge anything about his wife after all these years. Now she has two daughter's/ All this time? All these year's is about to be gone in one clean swoop. I hate this man. I hate this man. I hate this man.The only ham I ate B4 this was my grandmother Lilies. I stopped as a child then it was this black cloud family.

Kerosene/CL

In Hawaii, when Gwen and I went. It must of been about or it was 16. I've been to remember ezaclty when I lost my virginty. It was Easter Weekend, must of been 1984. I made Kevin wait 6 months. I was fifteen the summer we met. I don't know then what came first my birthday or Easter? When Gwen and myself were in Hawaii this is where I first heard about boar's. This is also the 3rd and 4th place I almost drowned. The fourth, honeymoon. The toilet bowl. One of the five views from round top park. I didn't know then what I now have learned that at any serious situation when it came down to me or mine, my children. All he did was place his hand on my shoulder and laugh. Serious anddeadly the same reaction forthe rest of my life. Then after he'd finish with me, 2 hours of him treating me like I'm inhuman and I don't exist in bed. I am now just an unfeeling hole. Afterhe'd finish flip flopping me aroung like a rag doll kitty cat in bed, I'd turn over and that is when I'd C 2 human being's with boar's head's manking bacon. Sumtime's my tear's ran quietly. Sumtimes just inside.

Love Story/TS

U know what God. I don't care who the flying flock U R. I don't feel love still. Just pain. Aside from begging for Greg's, Michael's and then Kyles soul. I don't feel an overwhelming love from U. Regardless of my survival so far, feeling what it is like feeling my unborn children, and others whom have vrossed on. U drop to your knees hand in the air U can't help it. It just is. I don't feel that/ Just because your here now and I discover back then. Later like an awakening. U all have doled out your own justice each in your own way upon me. U have been there all along. Okay so you've been there all along. YOu've been inside all along. Why don't I feel love from U other than U have my heart. U R ready at the helm? I have faith. I feel protected, but love I don't feel.

Love sumbody like U/KU

Softly And Tenderly Cu My Savior

 I'm going to try and go back if I even have the photos still. My 6903 number phone was stolen. Passwords and usernames. pictures walking thru my day every day that I was being shown. It was my 17 year old kitty river dance. I walked under the bridge and to my left was a cement  rock wall. In a black pen it said trust in him with a cross. When I woke up this morning I saw white streaks in the tree's. I was picking up sperm. It looked like my lynx cat came thru jumping thru the trees all around us. Now it was egg's. It made me wonder right then if whatever is down where I stuck that staff, Like it was a snake having babies. I drop my back pack purse. My two coats Gary gave me, One looked like a Navy black pea coat that said zero king. The other a Australian raincoat. I  remember the next photo walking along the river the first boulder looked like a Ram's head. I took a photo. The last one red stairs. 

I Like The Way I Burn

I'm swinging my ass 2 the East bending over, singing that man is mine. I swinging dropping and getting down rhythm and rhyming. On the way back I'm waving my phone in the air. My hair is up in a 50's pony O on my head. It was a yellow wrist band wrapped 12 times around. At the end I looked to my left and said bring it daddy. I looked 2 my right and said bring it mommy. Went back to the boulder my bag and my Sumatriptan and sinus pain medicine is also gone. My poetry, my visions. My first journal gone. All I have to say is it better be brother red who took it. I was up early the next morning looking every where. knocking on local doors. I was pissed. My 0 King coat is gone also. Sitting by the river an opened bottle of Tylenol still sealed next to a unused honey chap stick. My Australian coat left drag marks going in the direction back out, I picked it up half way up the path. Leaving the Tylenol; and chap stick. I was so pissed. 

 My Immortal/Everessence

I always intend to go back through my journals. All those discovery's and conversations. I get so far ahead I don't even know where to look. I had the movie Lincoln on. It was verse he quoted on equality. He also said he was an uneducated man but this stuck in his mind. Didn't quite understand name Euclid or is? 

All things that are equal 2 the same thing are equal to each other. It's balance it's mathematical reasoning. 

Common notion begin with equality origin balance fairness and Justice.

I don't believe or know if I've written about the Jezebel being inside me and what this medium did. She said she is very powerful and leaned back in her chair. As I walked out she gave me a wide berth.  I knew that God knew she was there. I felt nothing, no energy surge. Nothing.

The name Elijah. The name I gave Kiley's Irish twin. Elijah Todd. I told Zion I want my brother to have a peaceful name. I discovered Elijah in kings, Israelite King named Omri. A neighbor boy. Baby blue's too. An Ahab married a woman named Jezebel. 

Loser/3 doors down

On June 22nd of this year I was looking up the astronomy charts. I remembered long ago that it said I'm house 1. It said he's house 12. this site went even further in to detail. My house say's the beginning. His house say's the end, healing and closure. On this chart the number 69 wasn't Pisces. Another clue. U know the book's called Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus? I'd like to add something to this one that King Planet in the Universe, in my experience Men Are Stupider From Jupiter. It doesn't matter the truth. Thin skinned yellow bellied pussy boy's if U ask me.

RX Medicate

No. No. That's okay I got this. As usual, I got this. As usual U men stand around with all your hierarchy, I got this one. Don't any of U fret none. If it wasn't for a wrist band I got from Michael's that is Psalms 36.6 She will not fail.

Monsters

 Monsters/Shinedown

Sitting here once again trying to process that I'm God? I still have to go back and cut and paste my last post. Supernatural and the little brother half dark half light? The angel that turned into God? I froze. I know why they keep taking me around and around, going lower or higher. Hell some days I don't know. JC told me he was God taking me back thru my dreams. That was Halloween 2016. Blue cap shrooms. He said it, Colleen I'm God. Then I heard him yet I still processed Him as outside me. God is out there, the energy I stood in front of God 4 times. Crystal clear every where.. Eye on is one of the first words. I kept seeing Isaac Newton his big eye on me. Then it sunk in energy. Standing in front of a energy panel, being asked to leave a restaurant at 3:16? I needed fuel to keep stomping my feet on that steel grate. Letting it know ICU. I'm cumming back for U.  I knew it had to do with Alex her time of birth. Hell her birthday and the number 13. The moment Alex was born I kept feeling an energy between us that is bouncing off each other. Conversations with my counselor talking about Alex and energy. The blue bowls, cherries and energy. Never enuf love. Then the hole in the bottom of the bowl.

Sweet Home Alabama/LS

Then the Atom, the Adam and the Atom bomb came first. Then, we are watching U and the big eye in the sky. Which one I ask today? So many, so many God's  and Goddess' that God has provided thru out history and time.  Talk about money being the root of all evil.? Sin, morality and taxes? Fines like flies? Fees like fleas?  U have a pretty high price on sin IC. So much we don't C. Then well at that energy panel, I put my hand on it, and I said brothers, codes , doors. Then it was the ION. Then Protron, Electron and Neutron. Jimmy Neutron is where my mind went right at that moment. Then I'm asking hey isn't this that P word? Am I doing that P. word.? Isn't this the Atom. I wondered for the longest time who was working with me on this one. Hearing scribe and now understanding why I wrote P.E.N. Power Of Pen. The Atom.

Don't Stop Believing/Journey

Going back to okay. Closer 2 acceptance.  I finally get it this man from my dreams that I only saw the back of is God in His making. The real one. Okay. Before I was still seeing Him as JC not God. To me God is inside U. The soul. The heart of the soul U do not C. Not literally standing inside me.? That seems 2 B the case. Then two spirits, the mother and father. Inside Michael was ISIS on the right and OSIRIS on the left. It took I have no idea how long to connect ISIS on the right inside Michael. I mean the first word was ISIS, then twin towers, and Oregon/organ. Then I'm an aunt and the petulant child. 

Rockstar/Nickelback

I saw the lightening bolt the mother. Still not processing that the man in the navy bright blue t shirt is The God and He's inside me? Shock, thunderbolt? Don't we all want to be a star today? A superstar.? I finally processed last night that why I was standing in front of a yellow house in Fall City with a star in front. Then Ancient Aliens and ISIS holding up the sun. I'm being a smart ass. Always A-Ten in this family tree line. I can do no wrong. I didn't clue in when Michael told me his birth star is the sun. I knew he was a twin flame by then. Still not comprehending. I didn't comprehend when I asked how are U going 2 bring Chiva and ISIS together? The answer came on the TV right then. ISIS holding up the sun. Yes I'm bent over head in closet, hearing just breath. Then the song came on. I was hyperventilating. Now I'm figuring out just looking at the power in the sun the creation of the sun is God. Well I don't know how to be God?

Free Falling/Tom Petty and the Heart Breakers

I really am the Queen of the Damned, The God Damned. U know if I had known it was going to be 6 years later on this agreement. I would of never made the agreement. U all kept stringing me along. First it's one crazy thing. NOOOOO! Then 4 years he dies in a plane crash. Then I heard 1 year in Issaquah 2016. I'm pissed at that. Still seeing the jack ass being led by a rope and a golden carrot dangling in front. On and on U go. Just cum in me and end it already. I hate being the only one knowing the Truth.

Cum Monday/JB

"OH CUM ON. I HATE THIS PLANET. THIS IS PURGATORY. THIS IS HELL. HELLS KITCHEN IS RIGHT. U POISONED MY LOVE. U POISONED MY SEED, U POISONED MY TRUTH."

Jesus Take The Wheel/CU

It just dawned on me, the Seraphin. The Fiery 01 is the sun this time. 

A little while later still processing, walking back thru connecting more dot's to more answer's. Answer's on Leonardo Davinci. The painting's with the curly haired man pointing his finger up. The curly hair is making waves. My mother in law accusing me of being the one making waves and hearing Greg once again lie. Blame me for a decision we both made. We both agreed to. Wes and Molly Quigley telling me starting at 7 mont's with Alex, that I need to tell her no. I need to teach her now. Disciplin her now. Then again at age 3. All week Molly wouldn't let it go. 

Pointing the finger up part, I saw as them in the heaven's up above. That God in the heaven's up above. That creation in the heaven's up above. Out there, outside me energy. My emotion's energy and the storms. The atom energy. Alex energy. Lift a rock I am there, energy. Is a rock a weapon? David and Goloath. This planet energy. This universe energy. So much energy. Everything is energy. God is inside us. Blood is energy with the heart and soul. U don't just need the brain and heart to think and feel and function. It's all energy in that central nervous system too. I've even written he cums from within. U don't C Him. He's your soul. I've written the Dog Star. The God Daughter. The Dogter. Yet still didn't compute that I am literally The God.  That 01 is me, the God? Can't we go back to the JC?

I Hate This Mother Flocking Planet

To Where U R/JG

I am so mad. So mad at my last discovery. Fuck me now font won't change. It's so tiny I can't C it. Last night Michael was scrolling thru TV shows. It was the Supernatural picture. It was the guy with the voice from the Allstate Insurance commercial.  I got a point about the color of God? To U white people, God is of all color. All I knew was that his role in the show was God. I hadn't watched these episodes or even part of. This is where Michael sees the kid who played half evil half light angel. I knew about him. Michael then said, he turned into God. I froze my mind going back to the shadow photo I took. It looked like I had wings. 1 pointy, 1 rounded. The pointy wing was a very heavy bag from the HEN.

 

Come Thou Font Of Every Blessing/CR Peace Like A River  

The Angels 101 book I used as my guide.  Carried it on me everyday in my backpack or back pack purse. I've been thinking lately about how God said His Son in His making. I accepted Jesus Christ as God. Heaven on earth. What God is in the son on this rock. Then when I get taken back to those three dreams with JC. He said it then and there. He validated it in His words. It went right over my head at the time. I'm screaming 3 flashes 3 dreams. I'm punching Him . Screaming at Him No. No. I don't want to know I don't want to go back. He looked at me like I'm being ridiculous.  Like oh for Pete's sake, "Colleen, I'm God. I will B right beside U"

How Great Thou Art/CU

I didn't pick this music. I promise.. I'm just as surprised as U R. I thot it was one Christian Song. I have some in Thumbprint radio on this journey.  The first songs that played, as I'm stomping back late at night. I think I was raped or another mental institution for praying peacefully. I felt like I had a staff in my hand. Fire works going off behind me. I get stopped once again by a local cop. He knew who I was. He knew right where I was going. I didn't hide. I stayed in the open as much as possible. The locals knew right where I slept at. Hell probably served him his food. He gets out of his truck and he say's. " Colleen, where U headed?"  Didn't know it was illegal to be walking? Didn't know it was illegal 2B homeless? Not on my mountain. Not on my rock. I said, I'm heading back.

Theory Of A Dead Man/Wait 4 Me

Back to my white vinyl sign I laid my head. My naturally shaped skull rock above my head. U don't get to tell me I'm manic because of lack of sleep. I was never sleep deprived out here. I napped in Torgeson Park. I cried I screamed, I wailed at another large boulder.  A climbing rock behind that. I was so mad when I figured out what it was about later. Making me pray for someone I didn't ask 4 once again. I'm wailing and screaming. On my knees both hands in the air. "BRING THAT MAN HOME. BRING THAT MAN HOME 2 ME. I must of sat there a half hour doing this. 

I slept on the gold mound facing  East The mountain with the man with the bruno beard. Trying Not 2 Love U/5back The Final Phase. 

ANIMAL/DL/Hysteria

I went back to my white vinyl sign and slept. Hell one night I slept openly in that gold field off of red rock road. That man again. Telling me he's going to die. I'm screaming No No and running.  Out loud standing in the middle of the road,  I collapsed in the field at about midnight and I curled up in a ball,  saying I don't care about the rat's and the snakes. I woke up cold and went to my spiritual gold mound. Where I had a very spiritual orgasmic experience. First I had to wash my whole body with river water. I added mother natures wares to it. I had to rinse my mouth and paint my nails. Right when I felt Him touch me not knowing who, I said Oh Id recognize that touch from anywhere. I rolled for the Lions 2X and the bears 1X. Then I went into another area that laid flat, and I laid back and orgasimed 1 more time for the bears. Feeling like I'm Anita Baker policing the ware animals, the lycanthrope and that ardeur.

Live And Let Die/Gun's And Roses

As usual how many time's have they shown me? How many mother flocking times? Hell JC told me He was God walking back in time. Scrooged is right. I already know that it was Nike who lightening bolted me. I still just saw myself as JC and I knew He was a part of me. I still saw God as Crystal clear energy, but not me. Not me. I saw it as I was just the messenger, representing God and His/Her family. 

Centuries/ FOB

God still stood outside of me. Like he did with JC. I already knew that no matter what. Even with JC on this rock he's the God son. He's I guess I was kind of seeing him as a God. It didn't dawn on me that I'm God. Oh FUCK U. Just Fuck U. I knew U were gonna lightening bolt me. I accepted even as that lightening bolt kept getting bigger and bigger.  Fuck I accepted when U told me on the bus that I'm not Eve this time, I'm Eve's mother. This to me was still about Kiley. A virgin and the conversation when she said she needed me. She doesn't even no what to do with boy's. I truly remember that feeling. I asked my sister about boys in 7th grade. Zina's behavior was already over the top. I got back handed by my sister. I flew off the bed across the room and hit my back and head on the dresser.

With Arms Wide Open/Creed

Then she saw what she did. Now she's rubbing my forehead holding me. I just wanted to ask some normal questions. I tried again after she moved to Germany. I was in the 9th grade. I got a letter back from my sister that said I'm just a spoiled rotten little princess bitch. It wasn't until we got older and had kids that I learned she had to clean my room. Zion Mary pulling my name in every screaming argument that I had nothing 2 do with didn't help one God damned bit. She'd scream that I'm her favorite. 

It was about Zion Mary one conversation after I was 18 and my sister moved in for a little while that she saw it 2. Zion telling me to stand up straight. Suck in my stomach. Like I'm some kind of princess. My sister said something at dinner one night the 3 of us. I'm like 5 3 90 to 93 lbs, and she's nit picking the fuck out of me. I have learned to ignore it over my life If I didn't and I took heart to what she said to me I'd be anorexic or bulimic. My sister points to me and looks at my mother and she goes why R U like this with her?

Prayed 4U/MS

U didn't weigh her weight since grade school. Zion didn't say 1 word.  Neither me or my sister are going to last past the next winter with this woman. I'm God and I probably picked this bitch to B my mother. She has left so many bodies in her path. They showed me in 9th grade that she's not happy unless she makes U scream. They walked me thru step by step word for word. Evey punch and kick she doled out I was told to give right back. She just went off on me. Fist and feet flying everywhere. She wasn't hurting me. Then they told me to scream. I screamed and she stopped. As I walked back to my room where Gwen was waiting 4 me when Zion Mary show's up in my room to pick a fight. This is how less and less I had company over. U have no idea how many relationships she has destroyed in my lifetime. Especially what she said to my twin in my family? She has ruined so many relationships.

When I've Been Drinking/JP

The other Joker the other Fool. Yeah Gregory Allan. Mr GAP. Mr. 666. All I said was when he calls wanting to come up for the weekend, I was always okay. I just didn't want her to say yes and I have reservations or a wedding to attend. That was it. He calls and want's to come up and my mother told me what she said. I was embarrassed and horrified. Like he'd really want to visit now? Talk about doling out rejection. Like he did something wrong? He did nothing wrong. She said "I told him he can't just call up and invite himself over. I knew she said it angrily to him just like she is repeating it to me. My God he's my cousin. All my cousins visited for a week or a weekend. They were with me the whole time. Not her. 

We Were/KU

My mind goes back 2 God. 

Not God? Oh Come on. I represent U guys. I am the messenger. I speak for U all. Please don't let me be God. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I never wanted to B any God, Goddess, angel or deity. I never wanted power or riches. I just wanted to be happy in love with my husband and children.  My family. I wanted my children to be loved and happy. I liked lots of people being a part of their lives I thot it would enrich their lives. That way they wouldn't be so judgemental. Learn the good leave the bad behind U. No harm no foul.  I never said that out loud. Then people want to step in and be just that.  They want to be the ones to inspire. To teach and speak. That's my job, not anyone else's. I wanted it to happen naturally.

If I Told U/DR. 

I hate this planet. This is purgatory. This is hell. Nothing adds up. Not one god dammed thing.

Calling All Angels/Train/My Private Nation

How perfect of a song. I've been pacing wanting to chain smoke, pace stretch then I start to dance. I'm in shock Still. processing. The higher these assholes and bitches go with their wit and humor step by stepping stone by stepping stone. Around ind around each God prophet and angel, which are my guides. Yes your God's are my guides and take Allah I think that's the right spelling. I didn't know that the emotional blog that I signed Allah too, I really didn't know who he was or the religion or the story, but I remember the company and the guy that just bugged me every day to go to Wendy's with him for lunch.

Californication/RHCP

I looked at my friend and lead whom I stayed with for 3 weeks during the gas and oil shortage. Plus the bad storm. This is where I lost custody of my kids. For that storm and oil shortage. No I have to pay 10000 bucks for a lawyer? The set up was so bad in the beginning. I had this judge tell me I deserve everything I have coming to me. A Mormon lawyer told me this too. I said what is happening now. I went in just some of very little of how this came to be. They keep showing me how I sat in chains. No more friends. No more volunteer work. No more play groups. No more evenings out with our friends. It is silent. I was completely abandoned, and no one bothered to ask. I knew what people thot of Greg. Oh so funny. Oh so charming. Oh so caring. He's a natrupathic doctor. They are showing me that I was the herbalist and the Naturopath. Not Greg. I had the brains and brawn. Greg was dumb as a box of rocks.

Light's out/BB Shallow Bay

Shallow Hal? IC a lot of this. U know people don't need to just look in the mirror at your own physical flaws or what you feel R physical flaws. U need to look inside. I can't end all this body image shaming until U do to. We change as we get older. Remember Faith is the  key, the lion heart, courage. Wisdom the brain. U get wisdom from the heart b4 U even think to judge another or make them pay. 

Nobody Praying 4 Me/ SEETHER

Truth Seeker. The Book of Vines. The book of life. 

Awesome song. I want to dance. I slept all night on ice. I have been rolling the knot's, trying to get my locked up spine and neck to adjust. When Michael pushed on a very small knot on the right of C4 it was like an electrical zap went thru my brain. The Complex migraines were bad for a few days but so was my neck, especially at C3. 

My Last Breath/ Everessence

So I'm God? Fuck me. Talk about Thunderstruck. Okay I've been writing  I still stand, but now where do I stand? Even in the center of this complex it will blow out their windows. Do I go next door where it was painted in green Gods spot? It was where I saw a piece of plastic that had been ran over. I took a photo. It was the exact Punisher emblem. I recon this is one of my question and answer session. I don't always get words. I learn there point by walking thru more slavery. I walk thru it my answer at times to a question, I mean the complete answer is done in steps. Then I forget. My Faith is strong.

Not Strong Enough/Apolcalyptica

Hey they pick the music. It seems my writers and musicians carry Truth inside them just at the right moment for me to learn something new. Talk about a purge. I haven't cried at this discovery.  My anger here is diispitating. Yes I know why God said in the beginning Mary Cochran Stone and James Wayne Robertson aren't one of God's?

Body Like A Back Road/SH

My Clue wasn't just the names what happened then. Well the twin fator. After my father showed up about 6 years after he died in a very vivid dream. I woke up like in acceptance of him. First it was just why my father came to give me a message about Jim? He said he's not a good man. My answer to him, was all he need's is love. The next dream about Jim was with my Uncle Marvin. The reason why I felt like I had an uncle close by with darkness in him and he wanted to get to me. 

I hadn't connected my own uncle to this. Like an Anne Rice novel. I hadn't even connected that both my father and uncle showed up about Jim. My second dream was I stepped out of the attic window on a glass platform. My uncle standing like he always did. Big belly, baggy butt jeans and hands in pockets. Head down. Of course I'm a knothead thru my grandfather and uncles. I have a few more in my family. That family trait is Akaknoten then king Tut then well Moses. He was here to end slavery.

Good Life/ 1 Republic.

Another fitting song and title of group. Still not picking. Then I discover Moses brother another story a staff named what to my twin? Arron. Yes. Wait until the Kennedy's find out who they descend from. I felt a real Jackie O for awhile. I had a Jackie O outfit. Royal purple. Then the history channel. The documentary with Lincoln and Jackie O. How cheaply she redecorated the white house? Flock me. History. Another mother flocking curse and feminism. The role women still played in society. Like 2 thousand years later  do U in any house upstairs or downstairs fully proceeses equality?  Mysoginist still in every house. All because U have 2 dingalings. Between your legs and ears. Dumb shite mother flockers.

Shape Of U/ES

Thunderstruck

Thunderstruck by AC/DC 

That's a good one and True. The least humanity will feel is Thunderstruck.

A 1000 Years

I finally got an answer on how do I begin this video? I mean it's a lot all those names to make a point about who it is I really am? Then they showed me. It was bad ass. Wicked funny. I told U they do have a sense of humor. Being who it is that I am, walking thru all this bullshit. Injustice. So no I don't think they are always so funny. The point is slavery. Slavery all the way around this planet. What U R really R enslaved 2? No 1, no 1 on this rock knows what U R really serving? The true entity. The Fallen Angel. Black cloud is right. Still getting a real serpenty feel here.  

I'd Cum 4 U

I just want to pace with my music, smoke my Marlboro red and blacks, or my enhanced J's. I connect let my emotions flow. I stretch. I dance. I loosen up. Then I write, somewhere. It has been a very long time since I have done that. I like to do this. I learn a lot during these session's. It feel's dangerous now, the cigarette's alone. The heart pain, everyday. The face numbness. The needles behind my eye. Pain spots going down left arm and leg. Of course C3. The twitching of my muscles, the darkening eye site. Then the not getting your mouth to work correctly. Complex migraine's. 

One Last Breath

The thing I don't know about these is does it cause weakness down left side? Does it cause whole body weakness? Does it cause whole body paralysis? The jaw pain and sharp ear pain? The Sumatriptan is a waste on this kind of migraine. The only thing that kick's this feeling back are the real pain med's. Your opiates. The only thing on my knot's that I fight daily, with these symptom's or muscular skeletal knot's. Was the real Lorazepam, (OMGod! Lorazepam and Lazarus? To think Jesus brought this one back to life. Mary Magdalene's brother. Another mother fucking brother? That Fuck head. I'm going to kill that man when I get upstairs. Asshole! Another curse? U doling out your own Justice? Holding out IC)  That shite works especially on the neck. I don't know if it's that same nerve from car accident about 20ish years ago? or a different nerve in my neck? Another doctor whose specialty are these very same symptom's?  Another 1 that cut me off. He knew the answer's already apparently and would literally not let me speak.

Wanted Dead Or Alive (so true)

Family? It's definitely a love and hate relationship some moment's of some day's. Thinking about my black shadow the clue's I now know from him? They stuck me in purgatory. They stuck me in hell and buried me 6 feet under all this pain? They made me a slave? Can't defend or speak anywhere in this system? Hell's kitchen is right. Wow! It's getting pretty hot up in this house. Now I have people from all walks of life who want to kill me and my family tree line? Upstairs and downstairs? Was thinking earlier another saying in my life. Expect the worst and hope for the best. The other "O cum on." It started the morning after DUI. I woke up, sat up, looked up and said O cum on this isn't funny. This isn't funny anymore. I had to of known subconsciously that I am on a mission in this life. On this journey when something goes wrong, or once again the hard way? The long way? A shocking discovery? Another proof of life written or recorded somewhere? I look up automatically, arms open wide, My hand's in fist. "OH CUM ON."

Paradise City

Another saying popped in my head, "when hell freezes over." It's odd really, I don't have fear. I have no fear of doing this. Taking it all back. Speaking the Truth. The song is now My Sacrifice. That flocking Crux. The Southern Cross written in the stars? When I saw that? I admit I laughed and that is where I wrote early on, This is my Country Pride. That's right I'm from the wrong side of the tracks. I'm from way down South. Way down under. I'm hearing Dahlia Lama. I have no idea why? Also seeing Crocodile Dundee from where? Down under. Australia. 

U R Right Where U Belong

As far as the Dahlia Lama goes, I've been wondering when his name was going to cum up? So it was Gandhi whom starved himself to protest against violence? I think. Okay Dahlia? OMMFLGOD? OMGOD! How many time's has The Black Dahlia came up in my life? The movie was a photographer with a sick perception of the art of death. She was found cut up in a ditch. Never solved. I'm not kidding, it's in the name's. Why? So that when I heard the Dahlia Lama, I thot it was Dahlie Lama, not Dahlia. I immediately recognized the spelling of the name. The woman. The murder. I recon, the purpose? To stand out today, How we still treat our women, Our mother's. Our daughters. Our grand daughters. Our Future. Still no RESPECT, No equality anywhere. 

Flock, I don't know Dahlia Lama's true message is? It's the first he came up. I mean IC Dahlia being murdered as a stand for feminism upstairs. I don't C Dahlia being about Feminism. Maybe equality and peace. Maybe about Freedom. Freedom to choose. Civil War, number 13 and slavery. Civil laws, civil courts. Our law makers really dropped the ball here. None of it even adds up. 

My first number 69. Then I'm a lil' Toa? I knew it was about balance. Then 2 fishes? Pisces. Number 69 is birth year. Somewhere in Bible I found a 68 and 69. and turns out 3rd in line to one of my white square's.  

Greg's birthdate 10/12? If only I knew then what I know now? I mean if I paused at the 666, imagine my pause being about the birthdate? Who they really belong to? The meaning the sign? Libra is called what? The Scale Of Justice. No balance in anything. No Truth. We R way off kilter. Way off the chart's. Way off scale. Way off balance.

OH, My God U married me to the fucking beast? Talk about knowing then what I know now? I would not of begged God for this man's life for nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. This I do mean now that I know what I know now? I am not lifting one God damned hand 4 U 4 nothing. I was deceived when I did that. I had no clue whom U really R. UH UH! No mother flocking way. U R on your own brother. Not one time did U lift a hand to help me. Married or not. U treated my children the same way and put them in the same situation as me. No one had any defense. At an even younger age, they were abandoned. and left to fend and defend for themselves. He just couldn't stop the party. No heat either. It was like history was repeating itself.  I couldn't get anyone to listen to the first time around with me at the start. I couldn't get my foot back in that door for nothing. Now they R showing my prayer to stop the neglect. The abuse. I understand I had to walk through it in order to put the prayer in my heart, and I called it outloud. Sick concept huh? Walk your talk. Can't talk it until I walked it.

Is my 6th prayer still even alive?  I don't know why I am so mad about this prayer too? It wasn't even my prayer. It wasn't for me. It wasn't about me. It was for him and there is nothing about nothing that I can do with what came B4. I recon what counts now is what cums after. 

As I say everyday. I hate this planet. Oh no more blasphemy.

The Best Trick Satan Can Do Is Convince U He Doesn't Exist.

 Beast Of Burden

I have no idea what to even call this one. I have figured out more. Why I'm the conductor and the sun/son? Why ISIS is the one holding me up? She was the first name the day I stood on the oil can. ISIS, Twin towers and Orgon/Organ. The heart. By giving them back Faith I give humanity their heart back. Faith is a common denominator.

Make Up Your Mind/Theory Of A Deadman

I figured out my dreams that the person in chains in two of my dreams turned into a woman with long curly hair? The eagle and the mountain. The Red Book/AA. I hated metaphor's. That's all I needed to figure out was why the shadow of the eagle was seen in the mountain? The man, the native man in my dreams, his name the White Eagle. The article on the eagle is a religious symbol. My picture's I was taking of a white eagle on a passer bys window. The Box of past angels and God's, shaman's and seers. All the twin flames from the angel's down. What U in history and time are called witches. Why the flying flock would I don't want U to connect to the light. Learn what your spirit animal really is, why the flock not? Oh yeah, all this machinery to profit off. 

A Place For My Heads

That is just one way they would point me to my animals. My spirit animals. A medium told me all my spirit animals are white. I'm walking away, a fat lot of good that does me. Not one of those beings or spiritual beings through out history and time have given up on their curses I bear. When I said the prayer from the heart, give me my families burdens, I'll stop the circle of abuse. If I wasn't abused I couldn't of said the prayer from that prayer from the heart. I just didn't know my life was going to be about slavery and judgement, in order to become justice.

I Can't Tell U Why/Eagles

My mind keeps going back to the fourth house I slept in. A blue room, a counter frame on the floor. Humanity want's out of these boxes. This was the night I put my hand on my chest, and cried. My mother is a schizophrenic. Then just like the show the gifted and the inferno, They are sitting in your mental institutions. The ones who carry the voice and the light. Then the Seers with their heads on backwards, Inferno.

Walk This Way

It was after that I stood with my arms wide open, begging my daughter to look at me. Telling her I'm sorry this is who I really am. That is not the first time that came up. Who I really am? I wrote the promised land the next morning. 12 Fruits of the tree, putting my agreement in writing. I will guide. You walked thru the ring of fire no worse for wear, this diamond that lay in the palm of my hand. We will run in the sun and splash in the sea. I knew inside there unconscious fear they are having for their mother. It's about these 2. Michaels Wolfe demon said, he wanted to tear my children's heads off and mail them to me in a box. Demon's move so fast U don't see them move before their hands are around your throat.

I Love Rock And Roll

The Davinci Code Daughter, My grand daddy's rock and roll sign was his I Love U sign. We are gonna rock and roll. Those fault lines are gonna shift. Are my eyes blue like those blue skies or shit brown from the garden that U have soiled and poisoned in so many way's. U poison my seed, U poison my love. I told Greg I will get everything back I ever lost. Boy are those fault lines gonna shift. Then I'm crying right hand in the air, I said nothing grows without love and light to Greg.

Evanescence Fallen

I'm so not the fallen angel. Hell I ain't even Loki. I'm the under cover angel. Yes my pause moment was the first year I did our taxes. Those three sixes sitting right in the center of his social security number. I thot no way he doesn't really exist. Not in my lifetime anyway. I knew in the beginning the numbers 10 and 12. It had something to do with his birthdate. I learn on the history channel about Alistair Alexander Crowley. The purple scarf that said Alexandria in the Free Masons. My second daughters given name, Alexander.

Iris

I also know why his birthday falls on Christopher Columbus Day. Genocide. When I heard the serpent is going to come back and marry his first love, it will be the end of time. Love? Love? He's incapable. That man's heart is so black. It's so black I couldn't see what I was looking at. Neither could his brother. When he said theirs something missing. Then I hear Ann said the same thing after only 2 years of marriage. It's called a HEART. He's The beast, he's the serpent, he's Mr. 666.

Rebirthing/Skillet

Born without a marking on him. What a lie he was. All he had to do was plant me with labels that did not exist. Alcatraz in the car I said, I miss my friend. He goes into alcohol. I over did it. It makes me emotional. I wasn't crying or pouting. I simply stated a fact. I met Gwen at Alcatraz 3 and a half years later, the first and only time I tied one on. He brings it up then. This guy had drinks in his thermos our first date. Gross, I hate Rum. I really didn't care for alcohol, it made me sleepy and gave me a headache. Beer, well I couldn't belch. I'd suffer. 

State Of My Head/Shinedown/Threat 2 Survival

Our whole marriage, he couldn't stop the party. Any party. I'm so pissed when he came in and took my work and told me I need to start going out with my friends. I'm home. I'm having surgery. U need a break. You've needed it for awhile. That is all I heard through out my marriage. When it was always one more thing he just had to do right now. More packing and hauling, more being the designated driver and parent. Dr. Pasqually was right. He said U need to hire help. U do the work of three women a day. The number in my head was nine. I broke down and cried, My husband keeps saying just hold out just a little while longer and U can have your turn. Every time I asked, to go back to school or for anything, including California, when I tried to just get tutoring in math and science. I was told no, when we get back to Washington. 

Eminem/Music To Murder By/Godzilla Bride is right. They keep showing me how I paid for everything. All this man did was make me pay. All the while he is destroying my work I just did. Destroying my house. Right to the end, I had no choice Real Estate. Hell I did 10 transactions my first year. He didn't show up to watch the girls so I could study. 

Lazarus

They keep showing me how every agreement in our marriage, he did not show, unless it was a social gathering. Hell I wasn't allowed to hire help, running the office after having to put it together and build, location and city. Marketing. Rent, and money. What am I doing taking out a wall in my house when that man knocked on my door, telling me he's having an affair for four months. They are showing me how he did not once again acknowledge his wife or clean up the neat pile of clothes she left in the front yard. All this work. All this time I put in to this life, this marriage. Literally doing everything outside Greg's work. Then they show me I used my fathers money. The first time something is about me. Something of my own, that we can grow on, together. In 90 day's I'm even more in chain's. Labeled and abandoned, 100 percent. All four bank account's transferred my name removed now including the 3 business license. 

Change/NF/The Search

Then I'm locked in, everything stolen, including my identity, he stole. I borrow money just to get him out. Hoping to speak about the set up in court. Me being treated like garbage. I was now a useless piece of garbage. Greg's priority was always money just like his mother. No logic, no reality on anything. They have shown me just how I was expected to do my part in every way. I/we get the garbage. We get the dangerous truck to drive. 15 months we drove that. I'm pregnant, it's not logical. Where am I going to put Kiley? In the back. I got no credit on anything.

The Gift/Seether/One Cold Night

Nostradamus

I really had to go back to my journal's for this discovery. Who was really with me in that Valley Shadow Of Death? Nope not in the prayer and why you don't want The Good Shepard 2 guide? Makes me wonder were U inside me in me dream's, or standing on the outside looking in? That Goat came up a couple of time's again. In David 8, it talk's about a ram and a Goat. Yes, I've been thoroughly scrooged this far, but I have been asking about the goat I saw in my dream, my last morning being in Fall City. It also mention's the name Elam, turn's out to be another marriage and another name in my family tree line. What's even more interesting is the name of the Hotel they got married at? The same name as the pepto bismol pink apartment's my grandparent's managed and I lived in. Monticello apartment's and The Monticello Motel. Elam was a province. Then Danielle Ch8. Vs. 21 The Goat is King of Greece. I accidentally type o'd Kong. Large Horn between Goat's Eye's. My 3rd eye of Truth. It is 1st King, and only because your inside me when U choose too. Humanity is gonna take that personal. It's up to you all. Figuring out that the reason I met these angel's, past God's, prophet's, seer's, King's and Queen's throughout past lives? Where their is a life their is a soul. They are all coming back. With Truth and Love in their heart. Fighting for this rock. Fighting for love and evol. Freedom and Justice. The end of slavery. It say's in AA spirituality a God of my making. Hippa on top gets to control and illegalize emotions and prayers. Number 9 I may only pray in a religion. Wow, what an abuse of power. Pharmaceutical. The depressors. Then I heard this morning don't remember where, regardless of religion, race, national Origin. Well all I can say is I stand and was born in the land of Freedom. U sitting up there might want to ask why I stand in the land of King's? Getting ready to close the journal and I forgot what Danielle Ch8. Vs 17 said? It's Michael's birthday. It mean's human being, Ben Adam. Then I remembered, Jack my father Adam's County, Then how many times in how many way's have so many went over the atom? The apple and the atom? The Adam from the Adam's family, or just to be naughty and scary, "The Atom from The Atom's family. A creation of your own making. Just like my X always the opposite of what I'd request. I should of taken that Brother machine and beat it with a baseball bat in the baseball field. Right in the center of that diamond. It was the dial up. Oh that mother board with all your porn and 6 of my lotions sitting right there. How many day's and hours have U locked yourself back here? The full bag of porn hidden in plain sight, and I'm being told to cancel the rat's he caused and that I'm not bringing in an income to get a haircut. A hair designer who cut everyone's hair. Flock me get me off this retread. I'm tired of U pulling my chain. The higher and deeper I go.

Being reminded Halloween 2016, shrooms. Got taken 2 3 dreams. I got the 3 flashes. Started screaming pulling and punching him in the arm. Crying no no I don't want 2 go back. I don't want 2 know. 

He rolled his eyes, " Colleen don't be ridiculous,. I'm God. I always forget. He sent his son in his making. I accepted this is the God Son. God is energy always there inside U. God provided all around this rock. It also explains why he doesn't have blond hair. 

I've tried 2 figure out how many times he's stood outside me? How many conversations since that first summer, when 👁️ said Jesus Christ are U nuts? I know the size of the dick, hip bone 2 hip bone. Now what about the bull balls? 

I read somewhere that the wrath or rapture is where U R automatically sending people 2 hell. I've been writing that your taking them home 2 heaven, but it seems they're going 2 the other home from down under. Holy hell. Just do it already. 

Mirror Mirror on The Wall

I thought that Cassiopeia held a wand but  its a mirror. I was messing with Star Walk 2. This time she moved and that's when I saw the wand, the straight line in her hand turn into a mirror. Of course it took me back to a conversation my siste and I had. Why dies she nit pick me. Saying thing's like stand up straight, tuck your stomach in. I mean I should of been anorexic or bulimic with this woman. I had to ignore her. It made no sense. She needed to take a look in the mirror at herself. My sister told her one night when the 3 of us were at a restaurant, Zion was starting in. My sister said why do U do that to her. Nit pick the fuck out of her. U haven't weighed her weight since high school. It's right here that I discovered how she used us for attention. She'd show up at my sisters work, with people she worked with. She was loud. The more drinks, the louder and more embarrassing she got. The reason why she'd sit me down and ask me to hand over my stuff, including my favorite coat was because she got attention. Weather I'm there or not. She got to use me and my sister to use us and our time for her attention. I mean just think of the conversations she has at work now? Making plans for me to cut her friends hair on my time, but she get's attention. What my sister doesn't realize is that after she moved back, I was sat down by Zion and Kimmie wanting me to trade my Mickey Mouse plate set for hers. They were identical but the vinyl picture on my sisters had 1 plate that the vinyl was folded over then glazed over. Zion is telling me how it's a collectors because it has a flaw. I'm thinking then why doesn't she keep tU hem? I didn't care anymore. How many times have I done this and been lied to but hey, Zion get's to step in and make it happen. Of course U remember the story when I ran away in the 9th grade when she showed up drunk in my room telling me how my father never wanted me. How he sent my sister a watch when she was 10. I was 5 big difference. Going on about how he does not love me. I'm sitting there thinking and U R love? Give me a break. She said if I want to leave to go. This is after her standing over Tim Ellis pointing her finger down at him laughing. Jerry and I were horrified. She had already caused a scene thinking she's funny going to far. The next day she was taking me shopping for a new wardrobe. This is par for the course when she fucks up. She's bragging that the same police officer showed up with me that showed up with my sister and brother when they ran away. First of all impossible. She's making it sound like her children are the problem and that the policeman couldn't believe that another one of her kids would run away. I looked at her in the mirror and I said from the backseat, "U C that mirror that your looking at me thru? U might want to take a look at that mirror and look at the common denominator between U and your 3 children and just why we ran away. This woman has always threatened me. As an adult with my car threatening to take it. Threataening to call the police if I go to Bellingham to C Greg. She didn't have an issue B4 this when I went to visit friends. She just demanded more and more laughing making a joke. Smoking in my car lighting a cigarette in my apartment with my room mates saying I'm her mother and she will smoke where she God Damn well pleases. I never understood this with her thinking she's my mother and she has rights. To threaten me, because she was co signer on my car? My oldest Alex, I don't know some Bdaite's just the sign's, and I also asked if she told Zion Mary where I'm at, that only U and Kiley have been here. My daughter once again tell's me I have to let it go. My answer U have no idea how much I have let go. I told her she know's nothing about me. She doesn't understand that I have the right to cross the bridge and love from the otherside when some1 has this negative of an impact in my life. Only when I was fine or down. TO find out who I really am? RU NUTS! They have been showing me how much a sociopath doesn't acknowledge anything. Taking me back to these two. To humiliate me in front of my daughter and her friends. All to show she's in control. It's sick. It's just sick. For 5 years she was pretty good. She wasn't threatening me or causing trouble, until my divorce. I tried for over a year to get this woman to stop calling me over and over threatening me that she's gonna call Greg and say I'm doing drugs. I don't need this headache in my life. I don't need these two making unrealistic demands bullying me. It is U big brother who removed any control I had in my life. All because U set up boxes and U industrialized me for something I did because my lawyer told me to cover my but. Knowing of the set up. Coming in after 10 years taking my work and finally telling me to take a break. That I was to go out every other weekend with my friends. That he will also go out in-between weekends. For years and years. I had to stop anything I was doing for me and my girls. Every time he either didn't show up so I can do what I needed to do, for personal growth. He made things harder like not paying for recycling so now I have to keep loading up the back of the truck and go to the dump myself. All because I had to do my part. I finally have sumthing of my own. Sunthing that I can still be a parent and have flexibility for fund raisers and volunteering in the class or school trips. If they R sick or need to go to the doctor. Immunizations too. He handed it all over to him and Mary. Did not acknowledge but blame me for becoming an alcoholic. Of course I'm drinking more. Im not the designated driver. I have permission. What is Greg doing during this time, telling me I have to give up sumthing. Sum comfort or necessity. This is after lectures on food and groceries. Lectures on a heat bill that he has no clue what it is. He's now getting up in the middle of the night when he thot I was asleep and turn it off. Just like he constantly unhooked the speedometer on my car. Constantly fighting for the basics. U big brother now I have to prove myself to U and U made it court mandated. Yet I had no defense. I no longer had control of anything. I'm so done. I'm done. I wouldn't fuel my flames my anger. Rage. U made me go off topic once again. back to that mother flocking mirror and people using me once again. Once again I had the right to walk away, but no I had to pay. His porn turning it on in the bedroom when I'm trying to sit down and read? That's why I wouldn't go 2 bed. I remember telling him, U do absolutely nothing for me. Nothing that I ask. I have kid's and animals on me all day, I have no more energy to give to someone who does nothing for me. Besides. He made me nauseous, I didn't want to be touched anymore. Zion Mary I find out after Jim moved in with me about an antique mirror. Zion once again just had to have something some else had. Just didn't get off it. She bet him that he wouldn't even get a kiss from me. That no one get's in my pant's. We finally went to a movie and dinner. Steak and lobster. Not planned. WHen I told Zion the next day, she pushes me down and say's I want that. Later this woman is keeping my children's dog 2 make them pay once again. Hell she drops it off unexpectedly how many years ago. I saw her in town grabbed my dog out of the window. I'm standing there and not saying a word. She pokes her nail in my 3rd eye and call's me a whore. Then she goes to my car walks to my window and pokes me in the forehead. I said to my girls get out of the car and hug your grandmother, I'm done. Zion slams the door and say's no she's not going to hhug them. We went to a park my girls and I in tears. This is the behavior I tried to protect them from. I never expected my children to never believe a word I said. They're all excuses. Nothing I can do about it now. Yet their is. I can blow this mother flocking planet up and send these slave driver's to hell. I should write a section on every time I physically or spiritually met with Jesus Christ. It's all thru here from about end of September 2016. That navy blue t-shirt and the man from my dreams? The one who only had his back to me. Hell I didn't even realize until a couple years later that I wore this exact t-shirt on this journey. I've discovered something in the book of David. Not sure what television show sent me here. Oh yea, Astrodmus? To understand the main point's of what he's talking about. Next chapter.

2 things mediums told me

The first was setting boundaries, the first time I tried to set boundaries, the chaos it caused in my families life, and who paid? The second one was after our divorce, I had just asked Greg to use his mailing ID to do a mailer for Doggy Duty. It was after this I was told that I give him power. I've been going all the way back to how that was another key, another answer I should of had before. I realized in our marriage, it didn't matterwhat I asked him for the answer was no. If I sumhow attained it on my own by doing sumthing with my own 2 hands just to have sumthing nice, yes I paid still. This man did nothing but turn a blind eye to anything that involved me, me and my girls. It was a conversation my sister and I had. How did we marry the same personality as our mother. Even these two fathers from completly walks of life. They did nothing but punish us, download on us, turn a blind eye abandon and blame. What we didn't understand that by punishing the daughter and the mother to these children, U R punishing the children and truly they didn't care. The curse of the black heart. The blind spot U don't C. When they used the word sabatoge with Greg. U have no idea. My keys kept disappearing. I had to have the fire department break me in 3 times. Since our first apartment in Sunnyvale I walked in the door and hung my keys right away on that hook. I get another set made. Hang them both up, next morning both gone. I get 2 more sets made. Hang up all 4, next morning they're gone. Greg walks in and drops a huge bag on the floor. I have no idea why he carriesit back and forth. I spied with my little eye that bag. I walk over, lift the one t-shirt in it, and there underneath are all 4 sets, along with unma iled bills. I didn't discover until late why Greg checks the mail and mails the mail. It was his way of doing his part. It was his way of hiding all those porn videos. I'm being sat down and told that what makes me think I should be paying for a haircut when I'm not bringing in an income. THis is after him and Mary stol my life. Everything I worked for. Everythig I did to keep this roof over our head. Poof gone. I'm a useless piece of garbaget. I was garbage B4 but I had use. How can U have balance when literally everything was a lie. He knew how to do nothing. Nothing. I went to marriage counceling to be aware of issues that come up. Communication, not blame. I statements. I'm the whole time communicating about money, with someone who has no logic. Including balancing a checkbook. Investments that was his job. He said if I did not agree with him he'd come in and just take it. He did just that. How can U have balance when anything he has agrred to do, he just stops doing it. His passive agressive way of assigning it to me. My sleep doctor said U do the work of 3 women a day. My number at that time was nine hats. He said, your husband is a doctor. Hell I couldn't walk in with a bag of lettuce, bcuz he did anotherwalk thru the kitchen when he comes home, giving his report on what I'm doing wrong. I'm wasting money. Sorry your hineous I didn't have an hour and a half out of my day to drive back down the highway to go to Costco to get those 6 heads of romaine that barely fit in my pint size refrigerator. He couldn't problem solve or communicate without me. He not only leaving me to sit in the shit on my own, like with his fatale attraction, her husbamd and his boss. This is not the first time he has done this. Sitting with his elbows on knee's. Head down. No eye contact anywhere. It didn't matter the scene, if I'm being verbally assaulted. Speaking rationally. Sorry I'm on atangent. I mean they have shown me sequentially so how I'm a seer. How they made me a seer my whole life. So when I did this journey, I'd have Faith and be comfortable. The sequence game I played the first time in Mt. Si. with blue eyed Dave and Jack, and ant Mary. My chair broke. I'm the smallest. Tmhey have shown me sequentially so just how Zion Mary, and Greg. His parents used me. Used me for their attention. I came across something and the mirror in that solar system. My next story Mirror Mirror on The Wall. Jay Z & Linkin Park I have it on Y2K music trying to get more musicians in my writing but I write with emotions so far this station and the one I had it on B4 soft Rock, just isn't hard enuf 4 me today. More things they've been going over from my past, is what a medium said to me during my marriage with my girls. It was about setting boundaries with my children. I watched them and I realized they don't get into anything and they listen really good. Justin Timberlake/Sexyback Since I have discovered just who it is that I really am, it was a message not for the present, but the past and future. I have been taken back to the first physical fight after my sister got back. I was being accused of my mothers bad behavior because I tried to set a boundary. I didn't want to hate my job B4 I even got started. I'm only home during this time of my life, Saturday night and Sunday's. Zion Mary every 2 weeks like a broken record, over and over I'd hear "oh, my hair, it's like a horses tail. It's so thick and it mushrooms out on the sides right here. She'd grab both sides of her hair and laugh. On top of that she is bringing her friends home voluteering me to cut their hair, on my one day off. I know Zion Mary was paying 50 bucks a month for my schooling. She paid 200 dollars thus far out of 500. This woman has never met the terms of any agreement she has made helping someone. She liked to get people to spend any money they have, like my sister came home with $5000. Zion Mary hounded her to go to electrolysis school, it happened to be $5000. With her best friend of over 30 yrs got an inheritence of 10,000 bucks. She was poor, living frugally. Zion Mary was right there to get her to buy up more mice to go to her collection. All collectors of course. Then the eating out. Yup, Zion becomes your best friend. Then these two took a cruise to Alaska. Later Zion Mary made her suffer. Zion was being paid from the state to care for her. She wasn't. Deanna asked for help, tried to have a conversation, instead Zion Mary punches her in the face, for even saying anything to her. Did I tell U Deanna was in a wheelchair with one leg. She removed all the cable cords to the television and all the window dowl's out of the window. Never spoke to her again. With my sister she kicked her out in the middle of the night with Courtney a 3 yr old. Left them homeless because she could. She liked for people to come back and beg for her forgiveness. I never did. I knew her game. I was just trying to get thru school and get tot work so I can get out of all this chaos. Instead I asked her to come in, I'm burning out already. I knew I'd be taking over the payments and I was fine with that. THe pro's do not out way the con's. I'm on the floor in front of the TV, kevin is behind me and my sister on a chair to my right. She loses it. SHe's leaning forward in the rocking chair down toward me. She said mom is in a bad mood and it's all your fault. I start to say balogny and she jumps me. She's sitting on my chest. my shoulders pinned down, hitting me back and forth across the face. Kevin pulled me out from underneath, told me to get my clothes, I'm coming with him. My sister follows us into my room apologizing to me. I told her then, I was just trying to set a boumdary so I don't hate my job. My sister's face as it was sinking in. Zion Mary comes in I told her what was going on and Zion said good I probably deserved it. Kevin said come on your staying with me. A couple nights B4 X-mas Eve. My favorite holiday. Family, food and laughter. I stayed at Kevin's for Christmas. I didn't want to intrude on his family traditions. I didn't get all the clothes I needed for school. I had to dress a certain way. I didn't take my car either. To punish me, she sold my car that my dad and Kevin built. She kept my clothes, then I found out later from my sister, that she owed $3 in medical for 2 bills in my name. I had had my tonsils out the previous summer. She kept opening and hiding hese bills. My sister tried finding them to pay them knowing what she's doing. It wasn't until I wasin Sunnyvale that I discovered what she did. Luckily it didn't show up when I bought my car. Can U imagine going to buy my car with Zion Mary sitting there and I find out what she did to make me pay? Four months later she calls me at school guilting me for not showing up or calling for Christmas. She's the adult and she caused all this. SHe had my number and knew where I was at. I knew since the age of 10 that my mother is a blamer. She takes no responsibilty for anything let alone acknowledge. Just like Greg and his family. it was all about blame. Who doesn't want to take niceness for granted. U have a blanket system of labels, U have a label for everything. Here I am truly just a nice person. Doing nice things for people with no strings attached. U got a label for that? Every person has made me pay. People throughout my life had no boundaries. COming up and saying whatever they want, knowing it's insulting, and it get's turned back around on me for speaking, everytime. When that medium said that to me, she wasn't talking about my own two children, she's was talking from the perspective of who I really am. The True mother of this Holy land.