The Promised Land

I wrote this at the beginning of this journey. Before I knew I could write. I was up during the night fighting with these two crazy red heads. It was like Whoopi Goldberg on Ghost. I flew up out of bed with my usual mantra when I'm not ready for something. "No, no, no." Not another man. I'm done with men. I'm walking away. Not another man. No, please! Not another man. I'm done. Then they kept saying he is an honorable man. At the time I didn't know for sure what they meant? Or did I care. I was done. I knew what I saw inside him honor wise. Just not for me. Not another man. Please!

Take It Easy/Eagles
I was sitting at a desk and their was a newspaper article cutout taped to the wall. The heading was this meth, small towns, and native tribes being taken out. How does it get in? I knew the answer to that. That is why I left Patty a note, telling her what I knew up to that point. I had a police detective come in and question me one night and show me photo's. I knew them, 2 of them I had seen and served. Especially the woman. I had a sit down conversation with her one night. Let's just say word got around the valley that a cop questioned me. The local dealers were threatened by me. They had no reason to be as long as they left Michail alone. I wasn't sure what was wrong with Michail and I was literally just figuring it out. Then the woman came back in with her driver one day. They sat for four hours. It turns out the third guy in the picture I went to High School with.

Yes, I knew how they were getting into the casino's and onto the native land? Later I learned why they are focusing on taking out the natives? Oh yes, in case you don't know, all this insurance that is being used for native tribes, is the same for our veterans, our elderly, our disabled and mentally ill. It's all the same, being doled out from the same place. Determining everyone's value. Suffering and pain. Hell my doctor wrote me for a real muscle relaxer, because my back was like a rock. I just had surgery. I can't get an adjustment or physical therapy for 3 months. I get to the pharmacist to pick it up and the insurance company put it on hold. I get a call from the pharmacist yesterday, telling me the insurance company would like me to try flexeril, which I do take. It does nothing for this. The other compazine. I have taken that for fifteen years. It does nothing but make me sleep. I have a black cloud I can't shake until dinner time. I told the pharmacist this is not your job or your place. This is my doctors job, who knows this already. She is the doctor with my records and it is up to her, not the insurance and pharmacist. I went through this with imitrex that is only cents on the dollar now. How many trips have I had to take to the pharmacist just to get my pain meds. Who hurts the whole time? Who is supposed to be staying down? It's not just me. It's everyone people. You do not have the right to blanket judge someone else's pain and suffering. Even if you have addiction in your family. It is not your place to ever refuse service to the hurting and suffering in a hospital anymore either. Just because Big Brother changed the pain charts, changed what a narcotic and pain med is it does not make it ethical. It makes it inhumane.

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
You are not treating the human race with dignity by locking these bathroom doors or telling them you can't serve them, or they get served and treated differently because they are homeless. When you have a customer in front of you, I don't give a flying flock if they are homeless. They are a human being who has a right in this united states to be treated with dignity, not judgment. I'm here to tell you you are not the judge. None of you. You don't know if their job got pulled out from under them? You don't know if they lost their home or family? You don't know if it was a medical or mental illness that took them out? Hey how about this high cost of living? How about this changing of the industry getting the human race to adapt to your numbers to feed all your marked up industry of everything good? Then you hold it over their heads? To get medical treatment? Shawdy treatment at best. This hell care industry has almost killed me several times because they wouldn't use the machine to diagnose me. They kept treating the wrong thing the wrong way. I am not the only one. 

It's Been Awhile/Staind
This is the Untied States Of America none of what I have lived through in the last 19 to 20 years has been freedom. Not the 10 years before that being married to this man, that you didn't protect me or my children from. This mother could not get her foot back in the door to get them out. I had to watch my children being turned into Cinderella Children. Fighting for every basic necessity. A price being put on everything. This is not Love. You cannot put a price on love. Those of you that are having babies to feed you love, you need to stop. You must love yourself, not how someone else values you before you can love a child. Especially a baby whose only language is crying. If you can't handle some one else's screaming or your own then what makes you think you can handle a newborn?

Blurry/POM
Oh Big Brother, I got a "BIG BROTHER" for you. I got a "BIG DADDY" for you. I've got the "MOTHERS OF ALL MOTHERS" behind me. This is the end, and your nine lives are up. When I looked up the name of my Seraphim angel, I found another nine. Yes! As for their being four horsemen, their aren't, their are five. I saw my fifth black heart walking through pioneer square one day, during a wedding. This was the day I got taken back to my own wedding. That other number five? We had a view from round top park of five major attractions.

Meant To Live/Switchfoot
As I was walking out I looked down on the ground, this was my fifth black heart. Watching and reading up on these horsemen, yes I see that you have four documented, but their are five. It was the first and really only time I tried to read a bible. I thought it was fourth grade but it was fifth. I opened it to the four horsemen, and I threw it. I said, "my God, my father is not like that. He wouldn't do that." Yes he would. It is clearly written an end to all these books of hope. The wrath, Vishnu, the apocalypse. Judgment Day.

The Joker/SMB
You are no longer welcome to use the human race to experiment on, nor my beasties, nor my river, ocean or land. You have and you have had answers for a long time. It is you this system, and Congress whom allowed this. Your job was to feed the people. To provide jobs for the people, to make sure they had health care, not misery, suffering, blame and death. It was your job to make sure we had water, clean water in this united states. You poisoned literally with your synthetics or your high taxes and fee's. I repeat I am not happy that the human race in this united states has to buy a bottle of water to get a drink, that goes in my land fills. No you in congress get an F. Get your wars and poison off my rock.

Sweet Home Alabama/LS
It dawned on me after a few weeks that they are literally having me do in some way the steps every day. Which I did before I went into treatment. I stood in front of the steps and traditions, I read them, then I said to myself. I already do this. I have been taking inventory on myself practically all my life. I have stepped back and came up with solutions if their was an issue. I talked to God. How did I get here? My X, the Gin, the beast, not only in his name but his numbers. A sociopath that is also a sado masochist. He is the missing link. The GAP that others kept mentioning to me over the years.

Tequila Sunrise/Eagles
Their is something missing, and he takes you for granted. It is that veil, a mask he wears. A lifetime of watching others party and have fun. A lifetime of joking around. Never taking any responsibility for anything. Never having to work hard for anything. His parents did it all and lied to me all the way pointing the finger at me to do more, and they left him out of any responsibility. Just like this system, my family and friends. Just because the justice system said so or put it in writing, or make it a law it does not make it true.

Sail On/TC 
When I wrote this it was the morning after Freya 1 and Freya 2 woke me up. First I wrote a letter of apology to Kyle. It said I'm sorry to place my burdens on you. I am sorry to place my money issues on you. That is one of the reasons I didn't ask anyone for anything. Not even the people I knew. I don't like to be a burden to anyone. I don't like to ask for help. Especially not a man. The way a man values a woman today is atrocious. It is disgusting and despicable. A man buys you a drink or dinner and your expected to do your part by serving them back sexually. I have never and I will not do that.

Small Town/JM
I had a conversation a couple weeks ago with a man. Older than I. It was about his retirement. Where he lives. Nothing much more. I guess I missed something? I went to the restroom and walked out the door and he stops me. I told him I'm going home. I was writing and well he bothered me. I wasn't getting my work done. Just trying to get out of my box. Then he asks me if I'm seeing anyone? I said yes. Then he said why didn't you tell me that before? Before what? A conversation? Had you known I had a boyfriend, you wouldn't of wasted my time telling me about your worthless life? I mean my God? The audacity of this man? The possession and ownership? The control?

What It's Like/Everlast
I had no desire to start that first date lying process all over again. A man tells you what they once were a sob story. A man tells you what his dreams are and he is driven. A man tells you what they think you want to hear to charm you. To lure you. They will do and say anything. Money is the big turn off. I worked a job, where my boss kept leaving his paycheck wide open. Literally sitting right where I worked. I just kept ignoring it. Then he writes me a poem, the black haired angel. I'm sitting on break listening to this, just going OMG! It was his boss that accused me of using my body to get an interview with the president of the company. Irony?

Broken/Seether
I'll be damned if I do. I'll be damned if I don't. My whole God Damned life. I remember when I was physically attacked for the first time by a man. He football tackled me from behind. I walked away again. He didn't like that. He has me in a choke hold pinned me down to the bed, and I whispered in his ear, "go ahead. Be a man. Show me what a man you are. I'm half your weight. I'm half your size go ahead. Be a man." The policeman said, I shouldn't of said that. Challenged him like that. Why not? I'm in it. Nothing you do with a personality like this will ever be right. I have the right to speak and defend myself any way I can when being attacked. If it was my words that he couldn't handle? Then he's not a man he's a lying piece of shit coward. Weather you like it or not. I lived.

Lying Eyes/Eagles
This was the guy that later I found out he had four DUI's not just one. This was the guy that I asked him if he ever hit a woman? He said no. Laughing one evening with Michail, I told him this story. I said what I should of done, was gotten more down to detail. Jim have you choked a woman? Jim have you football tackled a woman? Have you lifted her over your head and thrown her down to the ground? Have you bitten her? Have you picked her up and thrown her threw a door? I supported him and his daughter for year. He cleaned out my bank account and left me with nothing. I had no choice but to move back in with him. Try and save money. Move again.

You Are The Woman/Firefall
Jim collected half of every bill from me during that time. During that time I was looking for somewhere else to live. It was to expensive at the time. Michail asked me why I dated him? He was talented. He was driven. He just lost his father. His sister literally came in and sold his home out from under. He had a daughter. I wanted peace. Even though my mother insisted for a year I date this guy. He knew the truth about my mother. At the time I didn't pick up that I was quite the catch. The fall girl once again. The perfect girl to use and abuse. A nice girl who worked hard. A nice girl with a heart. That like to help others. Jim behaved like he was in high school. The character assassination he did for his bad behavior. Later another apology that came to late. He apologized for the lies and character assassination with my X. He admitted that he used women to live off from. Clean them out and leave them high and dry.

Swayin To The Music/JR
I've been around bullies all my life. This mother does not like bullies. I realized up to this point in my life that I have dated an abuser every time. Something you can't see but it is there. They were each abusive in a different way. Not one of them took responsibility for allowing the mothers to control the children when they are in our home. Especially when I am not speaking ill of anyone. I am just being a friend and a mother to these girls. These girls went through hell themselves having to walk on egg shells when they didn't have to. I kept getting told my whole life to hold on. It will disappear. It will just go away. It never did because the fathers wouldn't stand up to these daughters or mothers. They wouldn't draw a line at the bad behavior these women were doing.

Tuesday's Gone/LS
Michail is not an obvious abuser. He hit the nail on the head when he came to me all these years later apologizing for his passive aggressive behavior toward me. I realized that was just it? I have put up with this in every relationship. Dating man boys and not men. I always said my picker was broken. I had no more trust for anyone anymore. Certainly no man. I was done. I just wanted to work in Fall City at Raging River as a server. Rent somewhere close by. Just be with my girls. Then I find out that this was my families plan for me this whole time? I find out that this is just what they wanted me to go through to learn something about human nature? Abuse in all forms? Neglect in all forms? Being told my whole life to accept? Gotta do your part? Now they want me to trust them? Some scars you do not see?

Killer Queen/Queen
To trust them with love? When I know what love is? I know I've never had it. I decided long ago I'm done. I'm done with love. I'm done with people treating my life like it's a game. Taking my heart for granted in all walks of life. Playing the blame game with my heart. No I'm done. Then they pull this shit? It just kept getting worse. The names? The labels? The titles? The power behind those names? How normal is any of this? How normal is it for me to say well if you want to date me be prepared for a storm? Our family is taking this rock back? In the mean time we are the only ones who can get all these really bad bad bad dark beasties standing inside one man out and off this rock? Talk about having to earn love? Do I feel honored? Is this an honor? That is a great big NO. To find out I'm the Queen B? The Queen Bitch? Babylon?

Have You Ever Seen The Rain/CCR
I'll Do Anything For Love/Meat Loaf
If any of you think when this day comes that I will dishonor these women. Dishonor this family that stands above me. Dishonor these four horsemen. Dishonor my brother, my one true father. You might want to think again. I just have to get over this hurtle. I just have to somehow speak the truth with him standing in front of me so I can't hang up the phone. So I can't not answer the phone. So I can't walk away. You can't really tell someone else's tone or expression in a message. You can't see their eyes in order to know I speak the truth. Still it's not me I'm worried about? It's him how he's gonna take being told your whole life was chosen for you? You didn't make any decisions? They own our bodies? They own us? They have a really big big scary plan for us. Not just today. Not just the next day, but for the rest of eternity here on this rock and in the heavens? Like that's not the other big C? Crazy. I am calling this poem, The Promised Land. I realized this poem they had me write from the heart. Right at the start, that this is what mankind has been asking for in all walks of life. Especially after I saw the white tiger at the Olympics. The symbolism of mother nature and God coming together. I had just found a black sweat shirt with a tiger on it. That says Girls Bite. I just want to get to the next book. The next stepping stone. God let this be the last step to Truth and Love.

I Love You/Climax Blues Band/Flying The Flag
The Promised Land
From The First Time I saw you, from our first conversation
HHHMM....This is a good man, this is a good man
From the next time I see you, that bald head I see
HHHMM....I like that bald head, that bald head I see
I like this man, I like this man
I always saw you Kyle, I heard every word
You stand by with your coffee, hanging around
I saw you Kyle, I always saw you
From that slouch of your shoulders, right down to your feet
HHMMM....I like that man, I like that man
HHMMM....I like that nose, I like that nose
It's a beautiful nose,
HHMMM....I like this man, I like this man
I saw you Kyle, I always saw you
I heard you Kyle, I always heard you
From that smile on your face, to that serpent you wear
HHMMM.... I like this man, I like this man
We will run in the sun
We will splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon Kyle
We will dance in the rain
HHMMM.... I like this man, this man is mine
Give me all your pain Kyle, give me all your fears
Give me all your sorrows, your anger and rage
Give me your burdens, I'll kiss the tears away
We will howl at the moon Kyle, we will dance in the rain
Give me all your rage Kyle, give me all your pain
I will take it inside me, I will wash it away
Let me fill the hole in your heart Kyle, give it to me hard
Let me heal you with my love, let me lighten up your heart
We will howl at the moon Kyle, we will dance in the rain
We will play in the sand Kyle, we will splash in the sea
That purple aura above your head, makes me drop to my knees
You will never stand alone Kyle, I will always represent
You will never sleep alone Kyle, I'll always be near
Tucked up underneath or over the top
Where you go Kyle, I go too
We will howl at the moon and dance in the rain
Give me all your rage Kyle, I'll take it all in
Give me all your fears Kyle, I'll wash them away
What you feel Kyle, I feel too
You cry, I cry too
I like this man, this man is man
I will lift those heavy shoulders, I will take your pain away
I will fill you up with love Kyle, I will wash away those tears
Give me all your pain Kyle, give it to me hard
We will run in the sun Kyle, we will play in the sand
We will howl at the moon Kyle, and dance in the rain
I will bow before my king, I will honor you
Where you go Kyle, I go too
Give me all the bad, the sad, the ugly, if it's you Kyle, it's all beautiful to me
To me your beautiful, I will represent
Wherever you be Kyle, I be too
Wherever you go Kyle, my home is with you
Let me touch your skin, I want to inhale your scent
We will play in the sun and splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon Kyle and dance in the rain
HHMMM....I like this man, this man is mine, I will represent
I will kiss away the tears, I will wash them away
I am standing here before you, do you know who I am?
That purple aura above your head, this diamond rock in my hands
I'm standing here before you Kyle, do you know who I am?
I've traveled through these valley's, my purple socks upon my feet
I'm standing here before you Kyle, do you know who I am?
I will honor the mothers, I will honor this father
I will honor his tribe, I will take them by the hand, I'll help you guide
I'm standing here before you, do you know who I am?
I've walked through someone else's valley of death
You've come through the fire no worse for wear
Your beautiful Kyle, your beautiful to me
It's pretty ironic, this last time we come back
I was raised by a schizophrenic mother, absentee alcoholic father
All I ever wanted was my children, and the love of a man
He burned out my fire with his lazy demands
He left me to die and tossed me out with the trash
I said to God, I don't need love God, I don't need love
Just as long as he loves his children, maybe he'll love me through them
That did not happen, I was abandoned and alone
Come to find Kyle, he loved another man
It was good to me Kyle, I did not care
If you love yourself Kyle, that love can grow into your children
That's all that mattered to me
His hate for me, is his hate for himself
I pray he steps out of the closet and into the light
Then and only then can he be the man
The father he was truly meant to be
Here you are raising 10 children, all Indigo, all on your own
Two bouts of cancer, you suffered alone
You stood by your children, I don't care what you lost
What you lost, I carry close to my heart
I was told I'll lose my small intestine for everybody else's shit
It's a small price to pay Kyle, our bodies represent
Those two mothers up above, told me who we represent
It's a new chapter, it's a new book
I don't want to waste any more time Kyle, no more separate nights
No more standing alone Kyle, no more lonely nights
Do you know who I am Kyle, do you know who we represent?
That purple aura above your head, that diamond rock that lay upon my hands
We will run in the sun Kyle, we will splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon and dance in the rain
We've got four years left Kyle, not one more lonely night
I like this man, I love this man, this man is mine
I will honor the mothers, I will honor this father
I will guide his tribe, I will represent
Do you know who I am Kyle? Do you know who we represent?
Not one more minute, not one more wasted minute
I love you Kyle, I always have, to infinity and beyond, to infinity and beyond
I will represent, and honor this father, this man IS MINE.
Set Fire To The Rain/Adele
Fire and water baby. What does fire and water do? They cleanse, they heal. We begin anew.
Love The Way You Lie/Skylar Grey
I admit I haven't read this in about two years or so. Reading it now I see it in a whole new light? I mean my God? You had me read this to this man three years ago? I put this on my blog a couple years back? Oh my God. You literally put me through this? Right up to feeling his sorrows? Perhaps I should of read this again before I blogged it? I can't believe you did this to me? I can't believe he doesn't remember this? How could anyone forget someone who wrote this after a few conversations? Kind of like that poem the "Black haired Angel." I want to crawl under that red rock right now. Presumptuous comes to mind? Do you think? Petulance is on for this one. Can we please just get on with this? Bring on the storm already? Let this be the last chapter all ready? God Damn!
Smoke/FGL
Freya! Freya, are you mother flocking nuts? In the beginning you said, just read it. Push. Just say it. Push! He will know what it means? He doesn't even remember the words or this. It all just went right over that bald head of his. I mean Cecelia the other big C that stands above me. How could you do this to me? It has been so long since I have been mad at you. I had to accept you. That if you are there at this time in my life, weather I like it or not, you are one my guides. I mean who the flying flock would ever want a X anything as a guide? Good partings or bad partings? Oh my God. Like this isn't flocked up? 
Bring On The Rain/JDM
Almost Lover/A Fine Frenzy
Stay/Sugarland
Cowboy Take Me Away/DC
A Love Without End, Amen/George Straight
Xxx's and Ooo's/Trisha Yearwood