Middle Of A Memory/CS
I haven't written in awhile. So much has happened you have no idea. Last Saturday Kyle messaged me. The moment I've been waiting for. Once again I just didn't know what to say? How do I tell him your like Kryptonite in my heart? I know who you are to me? You break me inside every time. Talk about eating crow? I know back to myself right? Sometimes what you don't realize is once I have written something down I didn't just get to that realization it takes awhile to come back down and around to acceptance and destiny. Well some of the things I have written in past on assumption comes back around and bit me on the ass. Just picture a lion with black feathers being coughed up as I listen to his words. Evidence all over my face on this one.
I haven't written in awhile. So much has happened you have no idea. Last Saturday Kyle messaged me. The moment I've been waiting for. Once again I just didn't know what to say? How do I tell him your like Kryptonite in my heart? I know who you are to me? You break me inside every time. Talk about eating crow? I know back to myself right? Sometimes what you don't realize is once I have written something down I didn't just get to that realization it takes awhile to come back down and around to acceptance and destiny. Well some of the things I have written in past on assumption comes back around and bit me on the ass. Just picture a lion with black feathers being coughed up as I listen to his words. Evidence all over my face on this one.
I See You/LB
I was supposed to be the one to walk through the pain this time not him. He was supposed to go home and get on with his life. My brother was holding my teddy bear under the crook of his arm which gave me the faith to let him go. Nothing will happen to him. Then it gets worse. He had cancer again with no one there for him. He gets kidnapped, held for ransom. Shot and left for dead. I saw those pictures, and I can't stop looking at them. At least I knew why I was taking the hits and not swinging back he didn't. In this family tree of life, the just reward once you walk through it is, "your not dead yet, you lived." My mantra all along this journey, "I ain't dead yet" and he said just those words talking about faith. The blessings are so bountiful in this family tree of life I carry upon my back. It's a love and hate relationship each day.
I was supposed to be the one to walk through the pain this time not him. He was supposed to go home and get on with his life. My brother was holding my teddy bear under the crook of his arm which gave me the faith to let him go. Nothing will happen to him. Then it gets worse. He had cancer again with no one there for him. He gets kidnapped, held for ransom. Shot and left for dead. I saw those pictures, and I can't stop looking at them. At least I knew why I was taking the hits and not swinging back he didn't. In this family tree of life, the just reward once you walk through it is, "your not dead yet, you lived." My mantra all along this journey, "I ain't dead yet" and he said just those words talking about faith. The blessings are so bountiful in this family tree of life I carry upon my back. It's a love and hate relationship each day.
Jumper/3rd Eye Blind
This group, I remember writing if I was standing underneath him, I'd reach up and knock right on that third eye I know you have. He tried calling and I wouldn't pick up the phone, I didn't want to hear his voice, I know what I would do if I heard his voice or saw him? I'd do nothing but cry. I wouldn't be able to say one God Damned word that made any sense. I didn't expect to still be with Michael. In the beginning aside from this agreement I made, does no one understand anymore "jumping from the skillet to the fry pan?" I couldn't do that. I'm to old for this bullshit.
This group, I remember writing if I was standing underneath him, I'd reach up and knock right on that third eye I know you have. He tried calling and I wouldn't pick up the phone, I didn't want to hear his voice, I know what I would do if I heard his voice or saw him? I'd do nothing but cry. I wouldn't be able to say one God Damned word that made any sense. I didn't expect to still be with Michael. In the beginning aside from this agreement I made, does no one understand anymore "jumping from the skillet to the fry pan?" I couldn't do that. I'm to old for this bullshit.
Free Bird/LS
What he doesn't know is I don't have to have him on the phone to hear his voice. I could hear him loud and clear like he was standing right there. I know his voice like I know my own. I tried to tell him all I knew about him before we moved further into the conversation. He kept going back to that one thing that I could not answer? This man is like a dagger in my heart. I said to him after all the strange stuff I have said to you about this agreement I made you still only have this one question? I want so bad to answer that question because only God knows I can, its just the interim? It's how we get to that point that scares me? I told him I see mushroom bombs on one side and him on the other. I want to run right to him but I'm scared. What will this do to his children that I can communicate and do communicate with his wife? What will this do to him and his children emotionally? Like I want to bring that up inside them again?
What he doesn't know is I don't have to have him on the phone to hear his voice. I could hear him loud and clear like he was standing right there. I know his voice like I know my own. I tried to tell him all I knew about him before we moved further into the conversation. He kept going back to that one thing that I could not answer? This man is like a dagger in my heart. I said to him after all the strange stuff I have said to you about this agreement I made you still only have this one question? I want so bad to answer that question because only God knows I can, its just the interim? It's how we get to that point that scares me? I told him I see mushroom bombs on one side and him on the other. I want to run right to him but I'm scared. What will this do to his children that I can communicate and do communicate with his wife? What will this do to him and his children emotionally? Like I want to bring that up inside them again?
Hanging By A Moment/Lifehouse
How horrifying is this? I wanted to tell him the end result where we will end up yet how do I explain that I know this? I asked him questions about his childhood and he didn't remember. If he's my twin how come he doesn't have the third eye? Then I remembered, oh yeah I'm the seer. I'm the oracle and in the old days the kings had their oracles and seers. This poor man probably thinks I go into some kind of trance the funny thing is I don't its just a part of who I am. It's an all day thing with everyone, to me its not bad because I don't try on my own to do this. I don't want to intrude. I let my guides lead me where they want me to go what, where and when they want me to see things. I don't think about it as I move through my day. I do and behave like normal people. Then they get me alone and I dance we play charades while I start my day.
How horrifying is this? I wanted to tell him the end result where we will end up yet how do I explain that I know this? I asked him questions about his childhood and he didn't remember. If he's my twin how come he doesn't have the third eye? Then I remembered, oh yeah I'm the seer. I'm the oracle and in the old days the kings had their oracles and seers. This poor man probably thinks I go into some kind of trance the funny thing is I don't its just a part of who I am. It's an all day thing with everyone, to me its not bad because I don't try on my own to do this. I don't want to intrude. I let my guides lead me where they want me to go what, where and when they want me to see things. I don't think about it as I move through my day. I do and behave like normal people. Then they get me alone and I dance we play charades while I start my day.
Shooting Star/Bad Company
His daughters are having children of their own now. In the beginning that is exactly what I was freaking out about? Protecting the babies. I told him why I looked him up, because I kept feeling a bull presence? I wanted to know if he was the Taurus, the bull? I explained the sequence of numbers I did find where he fits in at? My number three. With Alex, Kiley, Kyle then me the Joker mother the fool in this family tree. That quite frankly is tired of being the butt end of every ones joke. He said my name came up in a conversation and he heard I was doing better. I forgot to ask but I wanted to ask how could you have a conversation with someone else about me? For starters not one person bothered to ask me the what's or the why's the whole time? Anyone's opinion of me would be based on assumption and nothing more. How could anyone know anything if they didn't ask? It's been like that for me for thirty years and I am done with that shit. The gossip, bullshit and lies all based on someone else's fears, and my X's black jaded heart of stone. He couldn't speak the Truth if it came up and bit him in the ass. He is incapable of love and compassion.
His daughters are having children of their own now. In the beginning that is exactly what I was freaking out about? Protecting the babies. I told him why I looked him up, because I kept feeling a bull presence? I wanted to know if he was the Taurus, the bull? I explained the sequence of numbers I did find where he fits in at? My number three. With Alex, Kiley, Kyle then me the Joker mother the fool in this family tree. That quite frankly is tired of being the butt end of every ones joke. He said my name came up in a conversation and he heard I was doing better. I forgot to ask but I wanted to ask how could you have a conversation with someone else about me? For starters not one person bothered to ask me the what's or the why's the whole time? Anyone's opinion of me would be based on assumption and nothing more. How could anyone know anything if they didn't ask? It's been like that for me for thirty years and I am done with that shit. The gossip, bullshit and lies all based on someone else's fears, and my X's black jaded heart of stone. He couldn't speak the Truth if it came up and bit him in the ass. He is incapable of love and compassion.
Drops Of Jupiter/Train
I want to see any of you have the balls to do what I did? Man or woman? No every one else is to worried about what every one else will think. The Truth is I never did give a damn because in my life no one ever asked. On the rare occasion someone does, it's another program or box. Another system to report to. Truth is I never asked. My spirit and my life no longer fit in any one of your boxes. This rock is my church and it belongs to me and mine. Like I said to Greg in the beginning before he sold me out, this is a small family run business and that is all it will ever be. The one true thing that man ever said to me was this, "if I don't agree with him, he's just going to come in and take it." It was from day one of opening those doors all of a sudden people want to partner up or buy into my family business that wasn't for sale in the first place. Greg just kept trying to jump on board and we barely got started. Constantly some kind of get rich quick thing with him. I kept explaining money doesn't grow on tree's. You work for what you have when your younger.
I want to see any of you have the balls to do what I did? Man or woman? No every one else is to worried about what every one else will think. The Truth is I never did give a damn because in my life no one ever asked. On the rare occasion someone does, it's another program or box. Another system to report to. Truth is I never asked. My spirit and my life no longer fit in any one of your boxes. This rock is my church and it belongs to me and mine. Like I said to Greg in the beginning before he sold me out, this is a small family run business and that is all it will ever be. The one true thing that man ever said to me was this, "if I don't agree with him, he's just going to come in and take it." It was from day one of opening those doors all of a sudden people want to partner up or buy into my family business that wasn't for sale in the first place. Greg just kept trying to jump on board and we barely got started. Constantly some kind of get rich quick thing with him. I kept explaining money doesn't grow on tree's. You work for what you have when your younger.
Be Like That/3 Doors Down
Mary Stone talked Greg into becoming incorporated so others can buy stock in my little business. First of all I was Incorporated we just didn't need to do this now or ever. She wanted to become a partner this way. Work for free to buy her way in to earn her part and I said no. In less than 90 days at this time Greg and Mary removed my name off from everything. In the interim he's getting people to watch me for something that I wasn't doing. Going to the doctors and four neurologist for migraines. Trying to figure out what the cause is so I can move forward. Being married to a sociopath with a black heart all those years?
Mary Stone talked Greg into becoming incorporated so others can buy stock in my little business. First of all I was Incorporated we just didn't need to do this now or ever. She wanted to become a partner this way. Work for free to buy her way in to earn her part and I said no. In less than 90 days at this time Greg and Mary removed my name off from everything. In the interim he's getting people to watch me for something that I wasn't doing. Going to the doctors and four neurologist for migraines. Trying to figure out what the cause is so I can move forward. Being married to a sociopath with a black heart all those years?
Angel/Shaggy
A sociopath doesn't see pain. A sociopath is lazy and entitled. If you cross their path they have such egos that you are gonna pay and pay I did. I lost everything and never allowed to speak or defend myself in court. He pointed the finger and this system didn't take care of the trigger, but hey that's justice for you in this land of freedom now. Having a blanket game plan set in stone in the justice system? To fill your institutions right from the start and from there it just piles on. I couldn't speak ever, I meant the Truth without being told, I'm lying, blaming or minimizing. No it's not that at all, its the Truth and you set your system up this way long ago.
A sociopath doesn't see pain. A sociopath is lazy and entitled. If you cross their path they have such egos that you are gonna pay and pay I did. I lost everything and never allowed to speak or defend myself in court. He pointed the finger and this system didn't take care of the trigger, but hey that's justice for you in this land of freedom now. Having a blanket game plan set in stone in the justice system? To fill your institutions right from the start and from there it just piles on. I couldn't speak ever, I meant the Truth without being told, I'm lying, blaming or minimizing. No it's not that at all, its the Truth and you set your system up this way long ago.
Tequila Sunrise/Eagles
The blame game for your finger pointing and labels to cover your own bad behavior and crimes of the heart. Not mine. Now I see they are testing children at the age of twelve for depression? Does no one else see a problem with this? How big brother put their nose in every kitty long ago right their in our children's public schools. Then they train the councilors and teachers to jump on board to the new game plan. Just like they did with that ADHD label because you changed the curriculum to feed a system of numbers not my children.
The blame game for your finger pointing and labels to cover your own bad behavior and crimes of the heart. Not mine. Now I see they are testing children at the age of twelve for depression? Does no one else see a problem with this? How big brother put their nose in every kitty long ago right their in our children's public schools. Then they train the councilors and teachers to jump on board to the new game plan. Just like they did with that ADHD label because you changed the curriculum to feed a system of numbers not my children.
Forever And Ever Amen/RT
I didn't ask when I went into that first treatment on the advise of my lawyer whom never let me explain anything to have to be labeled and report to big brother for the rest of my life. When this is done, big brother you will get your nose out of my ass as well as the rest of this United States. This is not freedom, nor is it a fair justice system. From what I can see our justice system has done nothing but feed and support the elite. When you hand someone a state attorney they aren't fighting for you. They are walking you through the states timeline to fill a machine. On guidelines and standards to fill other machines and institutions. It's a monopoly.
I didn't ask when I went into that first treatment on the advise of my lawyer whom never let me explain anything to have to be labeled and report to big brother for the rest of my life. When this is done, big brother you will get your nose out of my ass as well as the rest of this United States. This is not freedom, nor is it a fair justice system. From what I can see our justice system has done nothing but feed and support the elite. When you hand someone a state attorney they aren't fighting for you. They are walking you through the states timeline to fill a machine. On guidelines and standards to fill other machines and institutions. It's a monopoly.
Lady/LRB
You never should of allowed insurance to come in and take control of another human beings life. The value, the high cost of sin that you have placed on it. You allowed it to make its own laws, set it's own guidelines and standards in all walks of life. This system is not life it is death just like you were told from your past with all your taxes, mark up and fee's on everything. The Boston Tea Party, still today we've got some jack ass working on the outside trying to get there hands in the mix too. Go around and make money off the little people. Fuck all the rest right? Feed yourselves I see? I'm just done with this bullshit. I'm Justice and that is my book in her left hand.
You never should of allowed insurance to come in and take control of another human beings life. The value, the high cost of sin that you have placed on it. You allowed it to make its own laws, set it's own guidelines and standards in all walks of life. This system is not life it is death just like you were told from your past with all your taxes, mark up and fee's on everything. The Boston Tea Party, still today we've got some jack ass working on the outside trying to get there hands in the mix too. Go around and make money off the little people. Fuck all the rest right? Feed yourselves I see? I'm just done with this bullshit. I'm Justice and that is my book in her left hand.
You Found Me/The Fray
Now that I got that out of my system, I just want this done. Kyle still wanted an answer to that one question even after I told him of the wish I had made for him after our first conversation. "He is a good man. I hope he finds the one. This man deserves to find the one." I just didn't want that one to be me. I was stepping out not in. Then the second conversation as he was speaking, this is where I saw a man walking through the pain every day. Some scars you do not see. Even though he spoke of his children in my heart I kept thinking and seeing a man that did this for those two mothers and he had me right there. This is the Father, this man is a real man. This is everything any woman would want in a husband and a father.
Small Town JCM
Now I understand what his wife meant when she said he is an honorable man? That is exactly what I saw in this man that he honored those children as a father but in my heart what broke me was that he honored his wife. He didn't drop that ball because he honored his wife, his life, even after that rug was pulled out from under him. He just kept taking the hits and moving forward. With no one to feed him unconditional love and he had no outlet. When you have that you don't need anything more. A man with heart. This was all before I knew I was a heart reader. I thought I married that. I married the complete opposite. Even more so because my X was marked for this from the get go, just in the numbers he received and that birth date? The reason why he lost his wife and his life is because of me. How do I bring that into his life and yet here thinking about it, it is in his life. He's cursed and fated just like I told him, everything we are doing is so our children don't have to.
Now that I got that out of my system, I just want this done. Kyle still wanted an answer to that one question even after I told him of the wish I had made for him after our first conversation. "He is a good man. I hope he finds the one. This man deserves to find the one." I just didn't want that one to be me. I was stepping out not in. Then the second conversation as he was speaking, this is where I saw a man walking through the pain every day. Some scars you do not see. Even though he spoke of his children in my heart I kept thinking and seeing a man that did this for those two mothers and he had me right there. This is the Father, this man is a real man. This is everything any woman would want in a husband and a father.
Small Town JCM
Now I understand what his wife meant when she said he is an honorable man? That is exactly what I saw in this man that he honored those children as a father but in my heart what broke me was that he honored his wife. He didn't drop that ball because he honored his wife, his life, even after that rug was pulled out from under him. He just kept taking the hits and moving forward. With no one to feed him unconditional love and he had no outlet. When you have that you don't need anything more. A man with heart. This was all before I knew I was a heart reader. I thought I married that. I married the complete opposite. Even more so because my X was marked for this from the get go, just in the numbers he received and that birth date? The reason why he lost his wife and his life is because of me. How do I bring that into his life and yet here thinking about it, it is in his life. He's cursed and fated just like I told him, everything we are doing is so our children don't have to.
Under The Bridge/RHCP
He said it, he's tired of walking through the pain everyday. That I already knew, I too am tired of walking through the pain everyday. I'm tired of being alone inside my heart. Then he tells me, of all times his girlfriend was cheating with the neighbor. Once again during a tragedy in his life someone else drops the ball. I asked "Kyle who fed you?" I knew the answer? Left alone to pick up the pieces and begin anew once again.
Ask Any Ole Barstool
I have lived just this scenario over and over. What kills me is how some people only see what someone has on the outside and not what someone carries on the inside. It's not pity I have, it's compassion. I want to feed this man in all walks of life. Hell I cant decide to feed him or eat him. He is adorable. I have been taken for granted over and over. Since when is it a crime to be a good person? Why do the good ones have to pay the high price for love? Putting it out there and not getting it back depletes the human spirit, then slowly our soul suffers and we wonder just why are we here doing this all alone?
He said it, he's tired of walking through the pain everyday. That I already knew, I too am tired of walking through the pain everyday. I'm tired of being alone inside my heart. Then he tells me, of all times his girlfriend was cheating with the neighbor. Once again during a tragedy in his life someone else drops the ball. I asked "Kyle who fed you?" I knew the answer? Left alone to pick up the pieces and begin anew once again.
Ask Any Ole Barstool
I have lived just this scenario over and over. What kills me is how some people only see what someone has on the outside and not what someone carries on the inside. It's not pity I have, it's compassion. I want to feed this man in all walks of life. Hell I cant decide to feed him or eat him. He is adorable. I have been taken for granted over and over. Since when is it a crime to be a good person? Why do the good ones have to pay the high price for love? Putting it out there and not getting it back depletes the human spirit, then slowly our soul suffers and we wonder just why are we here doing this all alone?
She Will Be Loved/Maroon 5
What do you want me to do? You call me two days before a major surgery that I have needed for years. I wanted so badly to walk away from all of it. The surgery and everything, but it took to long for me to get this far. What he doesn't know is why I don't want that surgery? Not only do I have to start over once again. Go back on pain pills long term. Not just a week here and there. How can I look up at him? I was risking losing flexibility in my neck. The symbolism of what this braid really means for this rodeo ride and they want to do surgery on my neck? At this time in my life? To put something steel inside my body when I know their is a lightening rod out there with my name on it? I knew when he told me he was shot and one of those bullets is still inside him, that was the answer I needed to move forward, pull back tell him what I needed him to know once again. No matter how crazy it sounds.
What do you want me to do? You call me two days before a major surgery that I have needed for years. I wanted so badly to walk away from all of it. The surgery and everything, but it took to long for me to get this far. What he doesn't know is why I don't want that surgery? Not only do I have to start over once again. Go back on pain pills long term. Not just a week here and there. How can I look up at him? I was risking losing flexibility in my neck. The symbolism of what this braid really means for this rodeo ride and they want to do surgery on my neck? At this time in my life? To put something steel inside my body when I know their is a lightening rod out there with my name on it? I knew when he told me he was shot and one of those bullets is still inside him, that was the answer I needed to move forward, pull back tell him what I needed him to know once again. No matter how crazy it sounds.
Peaceful Easy Feeling/Eagles
If he can go through cancer a third time on his own? Kidnapped, beaten, shot twice and the first bullet missed his head, for this rock and he doesn't even know why? He still has a bullet inside his body to boot and he never did nothing to anyone. If he can, I can move forward. The day of my surgery I looked up and a white van drove by, the word on the side was Berge. I couldn't believe they gave me this sign, this close of all days, because he turned me off yesterday? I know those labels can be a heavy load, but I needed him to hear the Truth in my words. He doesn't understand the power behind those names and what is being handed to him for the rest of his life. His children's life. His grand children's life.
If he can go through cancer a third time on his own? Kidnapped, beaten, shot twice and the first bullet missed his head, for this rock and he doesn't even know why? He still has a bullet inside his body to boot and he never did nothing to anyone. If he can, I can move forward. The day of my surgery I looked up and a white van drove by, the word on the side was Berge. I couldn't believe they gave me this sign, this close of all days, because he turned me off yesterday? I know those labels can be a heavy load, but I needed him to hear the Truth in my words. He doesn't understand the power behind those names and what is being handed to him for the rest of his life. His children's life. His grand children's life.
Reminiscing/LRB
I kept trying to explain what I could and he kept bringing me back to me and him. I told him I'm still stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean talk about feeling that chain around my right ankle right now? Standing on that fence line chained in purgatory? Ready to leap and in the interim while we figure this out I have no where to leap to. I don't want to be with Michael, I haven't for a long time. I gave up on love long ago. I accepted I would never find love long ago. That was okay as long as my children had their father, they had love. Then I discover this father isn't even feeding them but making them work for their food? I knew Greg never worked for his food a day in his life. At that time Greg had me before that his mother. Just because you can work a garden and plow a field it doesn't mean you are feeding others. If your not feeding others whats the point being all alone with no family?
I kept trying to explain what I could and he kept bringing me back to me and him. I told him I'm still stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean talk about feeling that chain around my right ankle right now? Standing on that fence line chained in purgatory? Ready to leap and in the interim while we figure this out I have no where to leap to. I don't want to be with Michael, I haven't for a long time. I gave up on love long ago. I accepted I would never find love long ago. That was okay as long as my children had their father, they had love. Then I discover this father isn't even feeding them but making them work for their food? I knew Greg never worked for his food a day in his life. At that time Greg had me before that his mother. Just because you can work a garden and plow a field it doesn't mean you are feeding others. If your not feeding others whats the point being all alone with no family?
Danny's Song L&M
I wanted to tell him about the night in August when I sat crying under the blue moon, what I heard and why I took off screaming, running for that gold field? Why I left it all behind? I wanted to tell him why I hated his plane? I heard we go down in a plane in four years. I was running and screaming, "no no no, you can't do this. Only four years to spend with our children and our grandchildren? We only get four years together on this green earth? Then I yelled up at the sky, I don't care about no rats. I don't care about no snakes." I laid down in that gold field under the moonlight curled up in ball crying, rocking myself to sleep. When I woke up at sunrise I was cold. I got up and walked to that gold mound. I laid in the sun facing East on the side, I curled up in a ball circled by stickers and I fell back to sleep. When I awoke I didn't want to know no more. I didn't care about anything else up to that point. I went and got my tobacco and my perc me up. My coffee bean, found my green and I began anew once again. Hoping and praying that everyday I'm out here I'm buying us more time together on Gods green earth to spend with our children not just in spirit, but the heart, body, mind and soul. The real deal for just awhile longer.
I wanted to tell him about the night in August when I sat crying under the blue moon, what I heard and why I took off screaming, running for that gold field? Why I left it all behind? I wanted to tell him why I hated his plane? I heard we go down in a plane in four years. I was running and screaming, "no no no, you can't do this. Only four years to spend with our children and our grandchildren? We only get four years together on this green earth? Then I yelled up at the sky, I don't care about no rats. I don't care about no snakes." I laid down in that gold field under the moonlight curled up in ball crying, rocking myself to sleep. When I woke up at sunrise I was cold. I got up and walked to that gold mound. I laid in the sun facing East on the side, I curled up in a ball circled by stickers and I fell back to sleep. When I awoke I didn't want to know no more. I didn't care about anything else up to that point. I went and got my tobacco and my perc me up. My coffee bean, found my green and I began anew once again. Hoping and praying that everyday I'm out here I'm buying us more time together on Gods green earth to spend with our children not just in spirit, but the heart, body, mind and soul. The real deal for just awhile longer.
I Go Crazy/PD
I told him my fears? "Great I'd fall in love with a man and he'd up and die on me. You get cancer again and live? Kidnapped, shot twice? Heart and lung shots the third bullet missing your head and you lived? Your a heart attack on a plate" He doesn't understand I get it. What he doesn't see is the bigger picture that I see. Is that I finally find the one and he dies? I wouldn't want to live. I'd have no choice but to carry on and walk alone through the pain once more. It's not just me and mine anymore I don't just have five I have another ten. All of whom have lost so much already, the last thing I could do is walk away once again, because now I have all these other young women with crazy emotions to walk through. I know what he doesn't know is that both sides lost their mother. He only knows one side.
I told him my fears? "Great I'd fall in love with a man and he'd up and die on me. You get cancer again and live? Kidnapped, shot twice? Heart and lung shots the third bullet missing your head and you lived? Your a heart attack on a plate" He doesn't understand I get it. What he doesn't see is the bigger picture that I see. Is that I finally find the one and he dies? I wouldn't want to live. I'd have no choice but to carry on and walk alone through the pain once more. It's not just me and mine anymore I don't just have five I have another ten. All of whom have lost so much already, the last thing I could do is walk away once again, because now I have all these other young women with crazy emotions to walk through. I know what he doesn't know is that both sides lost their mother. He only knows one side.
Get Me Some Of That/TR
Then he said it again my greatest fear, that their are grand babies in the picture all red heads. He not only brought me back to my sun but his own son and this mother wants to scream inside, "That fault line is going to come crashing down, pull them in. Pull them all in behind me." More words I didn't want to know and the numbers again? Those sevens and those reds? What's in a name? Everything. Back to that Namesake and son I go again.
It's me who trained my whole life for this. It's me that they trained inside my heart body mind and soul for this. I don't think they brought me back for this weather I'm Jesus Christ or Moses, The Original Sky Mother From from beyond, this rocks creation to lose this fight? Now I heard we were going on a rodeo ride well before I knew I was on a journey not of my own making, but one that was created eons ago.
Then he said it again my greatest fear, that their are grand babies in the picture all red heads. He not only brought me back to my sun but his own son and this mother wants to scream inside, "That fault line is going to come crashing down, pull them in. Pull them all in behind me." More words I didn't want to know and the numbers again? Those sevens and those reds? What's in a name? Everything. Back to that Namesake and son I go again.
It's me who trained my whole life for this. It's me that they trained inside my heart body mind and soul for this. I don't think they brought me back for this weather I'm Jesus Christ or Moses, The Original Sky Mother From from beyond, this rocks creation to lose this fight? Now I heard we were going on a rodeo ride well before I knew I was on a journey not of my own making, but one that was created eons ago.
Hell Of A Night/DL
Then he said it, "he was here for his children to protect his children." I knew just what he was talking about. I too pace like a sentry all through the night. I wouldn't open their bedroom window in the summertime. I had Adam Ant at Alex's bedroom door. Anytime anyone walked by it "you'd hear hark who goes there? I couldn't bring myself to shut there bedroom doors or my own. I didn't care about a fire. I had little dogs that would trigger any alarm during the night. It was right when he said those words I saw the bull inside. That was the trigger to my heart right there. The words I needed to hear. This is my attraction to this man right here. Hot! Just let me feast on him already.
Then he said it, "he was here for his children to protect his children." I knew just what he was talking about. I too pace like a sentry all through the night. I wouldn't open their bedroom window in the summertime. I had Adam Ant at Alex's bedroom door. Anytime anyone walked by it "you'd hear hark who goes there? I couldn't bring myself to shut there bedroom doors or my own. I didn't care about a fire. I had little dogs that would trigger any alarm during the night. It was right when he said those words I saw the bull inside. That was the trigger to my heart right there. The words I needed to hear. This is my attraction to this man right here. Hot! Just let me feast on him already.
Basket Case/Greeday
He said I can't walk through the pain much longer on my own. I just want to go home to my wife. OH MY GOD. I know. How do I explain just how I know? I tried telling him that I asked one day Salmon Days 2015, Grandmother who are these two red heads IC standing above me? The answer your sisters another place from another time. I wanted to tell him, sisters have a love and hate relationship sometimes, but no one is going to make you get up and fight like your sisters and brothers. I wanted to tell him I've known for 3 yrs who he is to me inside. It not about blame. It was about fate. That It's to teach you something to get to the next step. Adversity to make you stronger for the next fight. Faith grows bigger, taller, stronger.
He said I can't walk through the pain much longer on my own. I just want to go home to my wife. OH MY GOD. I know. How do I explain just how I know? I tried telling him that I asked one day Salmon Days 2015, Grandmother who are these two red heads IC standing above me? The answer your sisters another place from another time. I wanted to tell him, sisters have a love and hate relationship sometimes, but no one is going to make you get up and fight like your sisters and brothers. I wanted to tell him I've known for 3 yrs who he is to me inside. It not about blame. It was about fate. That It's to teach you something to get to the next step. Adversity to make you stronger for the next fight. Faith grows bigger, taller, stronger.
Paralyzer/Finger 11
Screaming at Freya after I was raped? Have Faith to go through any open door? One of my rules at the time was to only go through doors open to me. She was a great big cartoon worm. I stabbed her in the tail to the ground with my Trident, and I said stay there until I know what to do with you. I knew inside she got me in and she got me out. No spilled seed and he hit me in just the right spots. Hell I knew right away he knocked my axis back into alignment. Yeah this family doesn't do anything the easy way. I had been screaming up at God, Oh and where's your precious Prince Of Tides now, back at the Yule Tree Farm living the easy life, and I find this out? Can we just get to the Crow Chasing The Butterfly part and skip all the rest please?
Screaming at Freya after I was raped? Have Faith to go through any open door? One of my rules at the time was to only go through doors open to me. She was a great big cartoon worm. I stabbed her in the tail to the ground with my Trident, and I said stay there until I know what to do with you. I knew inside she got me in and she got me out. No spilled seed and he hit me in just the right spots. Hell I knew right away he knocked my axis back into alignment. Yeah this family doesn't do anything the easy way. I had been screaming up at God, Oh and where's your precious Prince Of Tides now, back at the Yule Tree Farm living the easy life, and I find this out? Can we just get to the Crow Chasing The Butterfly part and skip all the rest please?
Jar Of Hearts/CP
He kept going back to us? I said for once in my life I don't have the answer to that. How do I tell him I know where we end up I just don't know how to get there? It's the interim, and all that stands in between that scares me. All those storms? Two Day's and two night's a total eclipse of the sun. He wanted to know why I let him in the door if I'm still with Michael? My answer the Truth is more important.
He kept going back to us? I said for once in my life I don't have the answer to that. How do I tell him I know where we end up I just don't know how to get there? It's the interim, and all that stands in between that scares me. All those storms? Two Day's and two night's a total eclipse of the sun. He wanted to know why I let him in the door if I'm still with Michael? My answer the Truth is more important.
On My Own/Three Days Grace
I could feel in his words that he's ready to pounce. He told me I want to hear you say it. Once again I got timing and Michael standing in my way. How do I explain, he's a vessel for my pain. God stuck me in a box to write this book of Truth. To break the news to me slowly step by step just who it is I am. V. said that Michail wears that tie die heart shirt every time I have a family gathering because he's here for love. Little did I know then that love is me and him. Not me and Michael.
I could feel in his words that he's ready to pounce. He told me I want to hear you say it. Once again I got timing and Michael standing in my way. How do I explain, he's a vessel for my pain. God stuck me in a box to write this book of Truth. To break the news to me slowly step by step just who it is I am. V. said that Michail wears that tie die heart shirt every time I have a family gathering because he's here for love. Little did I know then that love is me and him. Not me and Michael.
If I Told You/DR (Could you love me anyway?)
I started my marriage with a Michael during mine and Greg's first dance together. That some how looking back God has given me a Michael to stand by me ever since. That I already begged God for Michael's life. Screaming no God that is not the agreement. The agreement was to let Michael go, not that any harm would come to him. When I screamed those words down on my hands and knee's pounding my right fist on the ground I didn't even know I had an agreement with this man. To feed him. To pick him up and feed him love until he can feed himself again. You think I don't know that no matter whom Michail is in all this it will never be good enough. He will always feel rejected and unloved. He can't feel love like the rest of humanity until this is over. They can't feel love until we feel love. You think I don't know that Michails emotions in all this can bring on a storm? Our power is in our true emotions of the heart.
I started my marriage with a Michael during mine and Greg's first dance together. That some how looking back God has given me a Michael to stand by me ever since. That I already begged God for Michael's life. Screaming no God that is not the agreement. The agreement was to let Michael go, not that any harm would come to him. When I screamed those words down on my hands and knee's pounding my right fist on the ground I didn't even know I had an agreement with this man. To feed him. To pick him up and feed him love until he can feed himself again. You think I don't know that no matter whom Michail is in all this it will never be good enough. He will always feel rejected and unloved. He can't feel love like the rest of humanity until this is over. They can't feel love until we feel love. You think I don't know that Michails emotions in all this can bring on a storm? Our power is in our true emotions of the heart.
Fake It/Seether
Talk about feeling chained in purgatory. To love a man just as a friend, but not be in love with him? Stuck living with him, is purgatory and hell to me. No where I want to be, and I never want my children to be here either. Some one else holding the keys to the kingdom, determining my children's value, how they eat, how they hurt all to carry labels and lies is not freedom. It is slavery it is a lie and my children will not feed this matrix machine that humanity poisoned. You removed my first amendment right to speak. You labeled me, and I have more than met the terms of any contract I have signed. You have abused these labels with your marked up institutions with your labels. The abuse behind that H.I.P.P.A. is a disgrace. You rewrote the human race to turn us into droids to feed the Artificial Intelligence. What else is there to buy and sale off but what I have very little left of to feed my children? I do mean all of my children. My constitution you poisoned my constitution inside and out. I have no civil liberties because of these labels.
Talk about feeling chained in purgatory. To love a man just as a friend, but not be in love with him? Stuck living with him, is purgatory and hell to me. No where I want to be, and I never want my children to be here either. Some one else holding the keys to the kingdom, determining my children's value, how they eat, how they hurt all to carry labels and lies is not freedom. It is slavery it is a lie and my children will not feed this matrix machine that humanity poisoned. You removed my first amendment right to speak. You labeled me, and I have more than met the terms of any contract I have signed. You have abused these labels with your marked up institutions with your labels. The abuse behind that H.I.P.P.A. is a disgrace. You rewrote the human race to turn us into droids to feed the Artificial Intelligence. What else is there to buy and sale off but what I have very little left of to feed my children? I do mean all of my children. My constitution you poisoned my constitution inside and out. I have no civil liberties because of these labels.
Should've Been A Cowboy/TK
The day I saw a hippopotamus jump out of the water, that speed, that power in that heavy beast? I laughed. I can't wait for that to fall down on your heads for this mess you created on my rock. This is about that copper penny, and Lincoln. That 13th amendment. Freedom of all slavery once and for all. Not one piece here and there. Not one half of to feed your machine. You just came along and placed yourselves in the middle and you took it. You doled it back at a high price every step of the way. It was never for you to take in the first place. Now the way I see it. It ain't stealing if it never belonged to you in the first place. Weather you like it or not, I'm here to break all those chains that bind because our children will not live in a box, ever. My daughters are done doing the laundry, wiping your asses, carrying the load, working harder than any man and getting paid less. Taking the blame, being beaten and raped, sold into purgatory, sold into slavery under any circumstances. They will be free to come and go as they please, respectfully so. Equal ground we come from two or nothing. Like Oden said at the end of American Gods, you will get it back when you pray for it and not a moment before.
The day I saw a hippopotamus jump out of the water, that speed, that power in that heavy beast? I laughed. I can't wait for that to fall down on your heads for this mess you created on my rock. This is about that copper penny, and Lincoln. That 13th amendment. Freedom of all slavery once and for all. Not one piece here and there. Not one half of to feed your machine. You just came along and placed yourselves in the middle and you took it. You doled it back at a high price every step of the way. It was never for you to take in the first place. Now the way I see it. It ain't stealing if it never belonged to you in the first place. Weather you like it or not, I'm here to break all those chains that bind because our children will not live in a box, ever. My daughters are done doing the laundry, wiping your asses, carrying the load, working harder than any man and getting paid less. Taking the blame, being beaten and raped, sold into purgatory, sold into slavery under any circumstances. They will be free to come and go as they please, respectfully so. Equal ground we come from two or nothing. Like Oden said at the end of American Gods, you will get it back when you pray for it and not a moment before.
I Hope You Dance/LAW
He said, you know I'm quite the catch. Like I didn't know it already. I could clearly see me throwing a King Size Salmon back in the river. Then I clued in to Solomon and the Salmon. Then I get walked into Solomon's ring, given to him by the angels. Who wears a ring with Gods name on it. Their he stands. I told him the Truth that I keep getting slammed into scene's and what I have done to him up to this point.
He said, you know I'm quite the catch. Like I didn't know it already. I could clearly see me throwing a King Size Salmon back in the river. Then I clued in to Solomon and the Salmon. Then I get walked into Solomon's ring, given to him by the angels. Who wears a ring with Gods name on it. Their he stands. I told him the Truth that I keep getting slammed into scene's and what I have done to him up to this point.
Stairway TO Heaven/LZ
He is talking it all so personal. Not understanding what he ever did to make me so angry at him in the first place? I tried to explain, it's the timing and circumstances surrounding it. I asked him to read Daddy Issues, I forgot to give him the name of the blog. It was from that point forward after all this, that I discover my whole life was a set up. That they sold me out? Slavery? Getting me out of chains of slavery and I find out I did all this for a man? A man I did not want or ever ask for? My rants all along, it's always about the son isn't it? Your precious son? I tried to tell him some proof of life's I do not like. The higher they go sometimes the lower I go. All these labels adding up in between? No way Jose. I told him all I had figured out about him up to this point. "Then what Colleen? I want to hear you say it." He's just walking through the labels and I know its not sinking in. He just wants to step over it all and get to the next step. I can't until he accepts the responsibility of the Truth behind those labels. It's not a game. It's not a hurdle I can just step over and let go, because he does not believe me.
He is talking it all so personal. Not understanding what he ever did to make me so angry at him in the first place? I tried to explain, it's the timing and circumstances surrounding it. I asked him to read Daddy Issues, I forgot to give him the name of the blog. It was from that point forward after all this, that I discover my whole life was a set up. That they sold me out? Slavery? Getting me out of chains of slavery and I find out I did all this for a man? A man I did not want or ever ask for? My rants all along, it's always about the son isn't it? Your precious son? I tried to tell him some proof of life's I do not like. The higher they go sometimes the lower I go. All these labels adding up in between? No way Jose. I told him all I had figured out about him up to this point. "Then what Colleen? I want to hear you say it." He's just walking through the labels and I know its not sinking in. He just wants to step over it all and get to the next step. I can't until he accepts the responsibility of the Truth behind those labels. It's not a game. It's not a hurdle I can just step over and let go, because he does not believe me.
Please Remember Me/TM
I sit up at night and I start from the start with everything I did in those first few months. Trying to walk him along, step by step with me up to a point of this agreement I made. Trying to let it sink in. Trying to give him time to think about some of the rituals and the meanings? I mean my God he lived in the UK. He tells me Trondheim, Norway. The Viking Center. I remember thinking when I looked him up and saw the picture, he looks like a viking. The Celts, the druids, slavery? Come on Kyle does any of the sequence of any of this sink in? Then he's a Tao, a 69, the yin and yang in the beginning I knew nothing about. A water sign with a serpent that sits across his shoulders. I just laughed inside. Liking even more what it is I'm looking at. My Simple Man/LS I've always wanted.
I sit up at night and I start from the start with everything I did in those first few months. Trying to walk him along, step by step with me up to a point of this agreement I made. Trying to let it sink in. Trying to give him time to think about some of the rituals and the meanings? I mean my God he lived in the UK. He tells me Trondheim, Norway. The Viking Center. I remember thinking when I looked him up and saw the picture, he looks like a viking. The Celts, the druids, slavery? Come on Kyle does any of the sequence of any of this sink in? Then he's a Tao, a 69, the yin and yang in the beginning I knew nothing about. A water sign with a serpent that sits across his shoulders. I just laughed inside. Liking even more what it is I'm looking at. My Simple Man/LS I've always wanted.
You And Me/Lighthouse
Then the next night I go a little further in to the Truth I didn't want to tell him. The Truth and heaviness behind all these labels adding up. Feeling the fear as it grasps his heart. I'm sorry you are the father of those 7. Those Palaidies 7 and the bull is you. Its your ring of fire. I'm the atom, the sun and your the first Adam, the son. You are mother natures son. You are the father and I know you feel alone but you are the most watched son that roams this earth.
Then the next night I go a little further in to the Truth I didn't want to tell him. The Truth and heaviness behind all these labels adding up. Feeling the fear as it grasps his heart. I'm sorry you are the father of those 7. Those Palaidies 7 and the bull is you. Its your ring of fire. I'm the atom, the sun and your the first Adam, the son. You are mother natures son. You are the father and I know you feel alone but you are the most watched son that roams this earth.
High Cotton/Alabama
You are never alone even though you feel alone. The hits you are taking is so our children won't ever have to. I was supposed to be the sacrifice not you. You were supposed to be done walking through the pain. I let you off the chains in my dream, I let you go. I'm sorry Kyle but I need you to understand these 12 are those twelve from the beginning and this is the end. This is why I said, I just wanted a normal life? Does any of what they have planned for us sound normal?
You are never alone even though you feel alone. The hits you are taking is so our children won't ever have to. I was supposed to be the sacrifice not you. You were supposed to be done walking through the pain. I let you off the chains in my dream, I let you go. I'm sorry Kyle but I need you to understand these 12 are those twelve from the beginning and this is the end. This is why I said, I just wanted a normal life? Does any of what they have planned for us sound normal?
I Cross My Heart/GS
I had to rip the band aid off. I couldn't let him step in front of me without knowing all the truth no matter how much it hurts. I knew no matter what it's the Truth that sets us free. I try to remember he is the other half, whom didn't ask for any of this either. The only difference between me and him is that I know the Truth of why I'm here, and why I'm going through this? Some days I hate Truth too. I hate the heavy labels and I have tried over and over to find a loop hole, but I can't give God back his bloody tear drop until this over. I can't step into something without the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.
I had to rip the band aid off. I couldn't let him step in front of me without knowing all the truth no matter how much it hurts. I knew no matter what it's the Truth that sets us free. I try to remember he is the other half, whom didn't ask for any of this either. The only difference between me and him is that I know the Truth of why I'm here, and why I'm going through this? Some days I hate Truth too. I hate the heavy labels and I have tried over and over to find a loop hole, but I can't give God back his bloody tear drop until this over. I can't step into something without the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.
She's Every Woman/GB
I will not base this on a lie even though once again I've been speaking the truth all along. Having Faith in others when they don't have faith in themselves is the hardest part of all. Then I remembered Oh my God his words? He thinks I'm rejecting him. He's not going to accept anything I have to say until I just say it. Say what? I didn't know what Armageddon was? I thought it was the Bruce Willis movie with the meteor hitting the earth? Then I figure out their is no way I can stop this. Then I figured out I don't want to stop this. It's either put the Truth out there, set it free. Let it go and let God. Knowing full well he's gonna shut the door. It's best he do it now rather than later.
I will not base this on a lie even though once again I've been speaking the truth all along. Having Faith in others when they don't have faith in themselves is the hardest part of all. Then I remembered Oh my God his words? He thinks I'm rejecting him. He's not going to accept anything I have to say until I just say it. Say what? I didn't know what Armageddon was? I thought it was the Bruce Willis movie with the meteor hitting the earth? Then I figure out their is no way I can stop this. Then I figured out I don't want to stop this. It's either put the Truth out there, set it free. Let it go and let God. Knowing full well he's gonna shut the door. It's best he do it now rather than later.
Tell Me I Was Dreaming/TT
I just spit it out. My worst Truth ever to be said out loud as I take a deep breath and step over the line, I never wanted to step over. I feel like I'm about ready to trip on a land mine. "How do you tell a man whom lost his wife tragically that he has more than one soulmate in this life time? That we are the original two and that we haven't touched each other in over fifty years? I said to God isn't this kind of cliche' he delivers the food and I serve it. The crux of the storyline is our family has a reservation to take this rock back and I don't know when. My Grandfather used to give me hand signals when I was a child. They pretty much raised me. He'd do a it's going to be A OK Knot Head, A peace sign and a I Love You sign. I just figured out yesterday (after talking to him) that I am the Oracle for that family upstairs. Today I am the messenger but someday I will be the Assassin to set this rock straight." That if I don't do this our children and grandchildren have no future. That it's the end of the line. I'm just here to clean house. It will be A OK my first broom was a dirt devil, I got this. Just get our babies. Oh I wish I was dreaming for this one. Drift Away/Uncle Kracker. Oh I how I wish some moments of some days.
I just spit it out. My worst Truth ever to be said out loud as I take a deep breath and step over the line, I never wanted to step over. I feel like I'm about ready to trip on a land mine. "How do you tell a man whom lost his wife tragically that he has more than one soulmate in this life time? That we are the original two and that we haven't touched each other in over fifty years? I said to God isn't this kind of cliche' he delivers the food and I serve it. The crux of the storyline is our family has a reservation to take this rock back and I don't know when. My Grandfather used to give me hand signals when I was a child. They pretty much raised me. He'd do a it's going to be A OK Knot Head, A peace sign and a I Love You sign. I just figured out yesterday (after talking to him) that I am the Oracle for that family upstairs. Today I am the messenger but someday I will be the Assassin to set this rock straight." That if I don't do this our children and grandchildren have no future. That it's the end of the line. I'm just here to clean house. It will be A OK my first broom was a dirt devil, I got this. Just get our babies. Oh I wish I was dreaming for this one. Drift Away/Uncle Kracker. Oh I how I wish some moments of some days.
When You Say Nothing At All/KW
I told him the rest of it knowing he's going to shut the door. Okay here it goes, You think I'm rejecting you, I'm not IC what they see now? A couple of weeks ago I asked what do you see in this man that I do not see besides play time with my own beastie in that garden of Eden? (yeah I know I still got my pride. My river of denial is still a mile wide. Like he didn't have me hook line and sinker after that first conversation?) Their answer love. You are all heart. When you have that you don't need anything else.
I Wish It would Rain Down/PC
Head Over Boots/JP
Your the one I want. Your the one I need. If I was a queen, you'd be my king.
Better Man/LBT
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic/TP
I want To Know What Love Is
One More Night/PC
How To Save A Life/The Fray
Livin' On Love/AJ
Closing Time/Semisonic
Young/Kenny Chesney
Cool Change/LRB
I told him the rest of it knowing he's going to shut the door. Okay here it goes, You think I'm rejecting you, I'm not IC what they see now? A couple of weeks ago I asked what do you see in this man that I do not see besides play time with my own beastie in that garden of Eden? (yeah I know I still got my pride. My river of denial is still a mile wide. Like he didn't have me hook line and sinker after that first conversation?) Their answer love. You are all heart. When you have that you don't need anything else.
I Wish It would Rain Down/PC
Head Over Boots/JP
Your the one I want. Your the one I need. If I was a queen, you'd be my king.
Better Man/LBT
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic/TP
I want To Know What Love Is
One More Night/PC
How To Save A Life/The Fray
Livin' On Love/AJ
Closing Time/Semisonic
Young/Kenny Chesney
Cool Change/LRB
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