Bleeding Hearts

Ain't Worth The Whiskey/CS
So many things have been rolling through my mind? The discoveries moving forward and the discoveries going back? I feel like I'm one step forward and one step back right now. I was going through my rant in my mind just what it is I'm gonna say to Elaine? At first I had guilt over what I have to do to my children's father? Then I remembered God is the conductor of this show. That is exactly what I had been seeing. That it was all a show to Greg. How I was noticing over time, he's repeating things I would say to him to someone else. Then he'd look right at me to make sure I heard him. When he cried one to two tears would drain then he'd start squinting and he'd put his head down like he's trying so hard not to cry. Lying sack of shit married a compassionate bleeding heart like me. Oh what a catch for a sociopath.

Move/LB
Naive me thought he was understanding parenthood but no it's like when Wes said to him about the night I got up like ten times in an hour it was unusual but Alex kept falling back to sleep. It was her first ear infection. I stood up and I said "fuck." Greg said Oh my God Colleen that's your child." Like I shouldn't be tired? I discovered she had an ear infection. She was doing the ear tug and when she laid down the pressure hurt her. I sat up all night rocking her. Greg repeated the scenario to Wes whom was a not a father yet. When he became one a man in a wheel chair did it. He looked at Greg and he said "yeah Greg were you the one getting up?" The thing I noticed but I couldn't put a finger on it was right before Greg walked out the door to go to work, he only opened the door looked in without one word.

Used To Love You Sober/KB
I mean he's a homeopathic doctor? Who literally knows the anatomy of the body. Took classes on ear infections in babies and children. My whole marriage was like that. The blind eye to pain to his daughter's and me? Where's the compassion for his wife who sat up all night in a rocking chair, a sick baby up all night? I think at this time I was borrowing Greg's dad old Ford truck, or I would of had to drive Greg to work then drive back home to North Bend. Then back into Issaquah for her pediatrician. This was how we did things when I needed the car to take her to the doctor.

Singing It To Me/DL
For awhile I was thinking I can remove this beast off his head for my children's sake. I have already learned when I read Solomon's ring that Kyle is the one I need to help me remove this Beast. This one's gonna take two, and I need my Jezebel to remove his Gin. Nothing like a pissed off hunchback Jezebel whore for a curse to carry upon my back. Pain has a tendency to piss people off too. Right along with that poisonous apple I ate from.

Cruise/FGL
No pressure getting Adam and Eve out of purgatory. When I realized what God did? This started out with Kiley bringing me a bag of apples and the strange things I just happen to be doing with them? The following of the heart and after that last conversation every thing started to click into place. "Adam is carrying Eve's heart." I trusted this man with my heart to hold once upon a time. The thing I said to Michael before I knew what this was all about "these people are hungry for food Michael. These people are hungry for love." That was when I was learning what meth was and watching people's behavior on meth.

Cold One/EC
Later people kept asking me, couldn't you smell it Colleen?" No, this was when my allergies were taking a turn, the chronic sinus migraine I had to fight every day that would turn into an actual migraine. Then I'd need Imitrex. Yet I could only get 9 a month. The first sign of congestion in the morning and the slightest pain over my left eye, I'd be on a hunt for a decongestant then Imitrex if that didn't work.

Fly/SR
When I went into that first rehab center, the three things I learned walking out the door was that he broke my heart for what he did with Mary Stone. I was labeled at a time I was told to go out. The first time in my life I was having a normal relationship with friends again. My friends that later we all became couple friends. The set up alone. I knew I was set up but I had my proof of every thing now. I had to create a collage of what I had become and what I used to be. I got it done in less than half hour because I still was these things I just wasn't allowed to do anything that I once was, without a price tag being put on every thing I wanted to do that didn't used to be an issue until the day I told Greg I'm staying home with Alex. Financially it made no sense to go back to work.

The Reason/Hoopstank
The commute, gas and daycare with a newborn on my income? In this state, I was making seven dollars and hour for a job I got paid sixteen to seventeen dollars an hour in California. Plus I had income for a year still. The first words out of his mouth to me then what am I gonna do to provide an income after three years? This is where the three year timeline came from. Now Greg whom has convinced every one that Chiropractic school was hard and stressful for him. He didn't start continuously going to class until it was required the last three quarters or he wouldn't graduate. Do you know why that was? Greg was just getting other peoples notes and memorizing the answers for the test in his study groups in the evening's. By day Greg was at the beach or he was to tired. Looking at an insomniac and telling me this?

Meant To Live/Switchfoot
This little shocking to me scene right here, this is where he was admitting what he was denying to others? That he played for three years. I had to put a rule that we are only going to road trip every other weekend that last year. I was working sixty to seventy hours some weeks to pay for these excursions. The wear and tear on my new car. When something normal needed to be fixed I was scammed and didn't know what I was talking about? All this first year any little part time sales job, multi level marketing thing that came along here comes Greg. Something for me to continue to earn my part. Did I tell you I also had a day care license by the time Alex was seven to eight months old.

Addicted/Saving Abel
I did nothing but load up. Pack and hall that man's ass around all those years. Remember Greg was at work now, so it was up to me with a one year old to take that little gold truck and rent tent trailers far away and tow them back to North Bend, load it all up for Greg so we could just hit the road when he got off. The tent camping gear we had before that? My grandmother and father paid for that to provide that lifestyle. It was an apology for my grand mothers blaming behavior toward me as a child. Remember I was the child taking the blame. I was also the one whom had the revealing conversations step by step with my family. Somehow at a young age I had the answers, because I had already been through it.

Here Without You/3 Doors Down
I wanted to go into rehab for a break for 3 weeks to find myself again. I had no where else to go to step away the way I'd like to to find myself.  Space and time alone with my children. My bank accounts had been cleaned out, the character assassination, gas lighting, were all still in play. Truth is I was now just the slave. When it came my time to read the collage and what everything represents?

Heart-Shaped Box/Nirvana
Once I got to the picture of the bleeding hearts, I put my hands on my heart I couldn't speak. I stood there bawling and couldn't go any further in the presentation. That was the clincher right there was how no one even thought about what I was going through? How heart breaking for me to have to leave my children's father? I wasn't allowed to speak about nothing because I was the liar blaming instead of doing my part to take responsibility for my bad behavior. What bad behavior? Hurting,  being human, abandoned, everything stolen and the sabotage to me?

The Eagle And The Hawk/JD
All that volunteer work I did, because I liked doing it? Gone. All these years of hearing you got to do your part? Being nitpicked for even trying to work out. Greg always had a better time for me to be able to do it, or a cheaper, better way for me to do it. Anything that made me whom I was became about the dollar sign and part of that dollar sign was worth it for Greg to stop his life and come home from playtime for me to get some time. The only time Greg showed up for me was if I was actually working. The only time Greg left me alone in the house and didn't nit pick was when I was actually cleaning, maintenance or yard work. and doing the books at home.

Holiday/Green Day
If I happen to sit down in the evening after the kids went to bed here would come Greg telling me it's time for me to go to bed. The thing I used to do to wind down was read before I fell asleep. Something I did since I was a child. Greg's new thing was when I'd climb into bed to do this he'd come in and turn on group porn. I had already noticed by then that the only time he touched me was to have sex. Lets just say the day I kept hearing Sadomasochist, I finally asked Michael what it meant? That made sense. He might not of had the gear like they show you in the movies but this was the behavior.

The Sounds Of Silence/Disturbed
It was the off behavior in the sack. Like I wasn't there and I didn't matter. My needs didn't matter. When he touched me I couldn't feel him I was numb not turned on. He sickened me, then when I could feel him it was to late because now the only thing I felt at his touch was pain. When I tried to tell Greg what I needed like a husband and partner by day. He'd tell me no, this is how we're gonna do it. It was literally like I wasn't there I was there to serve him. I was done by this point. I had already asked for a divorce yet I was already pregnant with Kiley from that last trip we had taken. I had completely emptied the tent trailer and truck. I had every thing put away and I had started the wash. Greg got up at noon, it was a four day weekend, this was a Sunday. Greg had been up for two hours drinking coffee watching TV in the family room.

Over And Over/3 Days Grace
Alex and I had not seen him all morning. truth is we hardly saw him the whole weekend. Which is why I stopped the tent thing and started renting trailers. Plus I had two dogs. No bathroom, no shower and Greg just showed up when he felt like it. Then we'd play for an hour riding jet ski's then I'd be back at camping alone with my daughter and my two little dogs while Greg would go back out and play. I went in the back, I wasn't in a foul mood. I was glad I was caught up.

Paralyzer/Finger 11
All I asked him to do was to bring the cooler in and put it away? It was heavy. I didn't want to have to empty to bring it back in. Plus Alex just woke from her nap. I had to feed her. He said, no this is his time now. I didn't even say when I want this done by. I still needed to return that trailer to Everett. If I didn't we would have to pay for an extra day. Well we just can't have that to make something easier on me? No siree Bob. That was when I looked at him and I said I want a divorce. I'm done.

Centuries/Fall Out Boy
I had opened that first business. Not being paid. I opened it only because I had no choice after Greg's four month fatal attraction at his job. If I wanted to keep that roof over our heads and food on the table I had no choice but to move my feet quickly. Greg's income dropped substantially and was now only enough to pay the mortgage but he still had to work his full time contract in Seattle. In two days I had a game plan, and figured out the money to do this. He got to work filing his own name on the insurance. I did every thing else, up until it came time to build.

Meet In The Middle/DR
Even then I was the errand girl. I did all the packing and hauling of wood. How did I know how to do this? I just had a wall knocked out in my house and was still in the middle of it when some man shows up at my door. He had been following Greg home. How scary is that? It didn't even dawn on him. All to tell me Greg was having an affair with his wife. That was the reason right there why I had been falling to the floor. Dizzy and shaky. This was a new thing. I felt like my blood sugar would just drop. This is where I started going to the doctor. Blood test after blood test. The white water leaking out of my breast. The twin lump that I had since about the age eighteen or nineteen. I developed that in my right breast.

Just Got Started Loving You/JO
I learned he broke my heart. I had a broken heart. I had known for a long time that he wasn't feeding me love, but I couldn't escape. It was about a month after I got my other two businesses open. Mind you legal guardian of my dad, but he was in Graham and situated. I did this while opening the first business. I did this with chronic migraines. It was December or January of the first year of the first business that he caused this wreck and collected the check. he was right because the blanket insurance said so. He did the minimum. Mind you while pregnant with Kiley I had to pay another chiropractor to adjust me. I couldn't get him to do it consistently. I'd always get later later later.

Callin' baton rouge/GB
The benefits I received marrying this man? It was the front of Rana's front door that this bleeding heart plant grew so big, that you could only open her front door maximum 18 inches to get through. We agreed, it's to beautiful to cut it back. Leave it and let it grow." I saw a bleeding heart seed I wanted to plant, but where I live I have no sun. Only shade. Of course the other two things Greg and Mary did it was illegal. A major crime. I thought I could get my name back, my reputation. I thought I could tell the Truth. I was labeled. I no longer had any rights to speak with out being told I'm blaming, minimizing, lying or not owning up to my part of the blame right Greg? I had to own up to my part for every thing, except being a human being with a heart. Even when I'm only analyzing. Working my through it tossing it around from different perspectives, not allowed I am wrong.

How Do You Like Me Now?TK
The third thing, when I went home for a day pass two days before I was released from my first penalty box, I walked in my front door. You could see nothing of my floor. Every thing was destroyed. The one thing I liked in ship shape but it was the one thing he held over my head. One little spot or dot it was my job. He told my mother when she took her one week vacation time for me to go into rehab in order to cover my ass in this divorce and the character assassination. He said to her the first day he walked in the door from work, that he expects the house to stay clean.

Chasin' That Neon Rainbow/AJ
My mother said, I want groceries. She knew he wasn't feeding us. Then she said bring home a bottle. No my mother didn't mean 3 half gallons that Greg came home with with my best friend Rana. They got so drunk my first night in rehab she had to spend the night. Greg was also keeping his bottle at Rana's so he could stop off on his way home and have a few before he came home. The curse of the Gin, the reason for all the depression is right here. The reason for ISIS is right here. Greg, Mary and that black ten back. The number of the beast with nine sixes. His birth date is Aleister Crowley's. It's the same birthday of Christopher Columbus which my family does not like.

I Wish It Would Rain Down/PC
Then the one wish I had was for no harm to come to him just that he would disappear. Then I discover the line of biblical prophets and names in my family tree and our unborn son? I do know whom my family is? I want this. I want Justice to reign in all her glory. Yesterday I started to think Greg has three strikes against him standing inside his body. Going right down that CNS. His TOL and up around to the top of his head. IC three things shutting him down. When God brought me to the heart of the matter, the heart break once again. I remembered I described God as getting to the root of the issue with Greg. It was his head on the ground in three of Gods gardens not mine. It was his second chakra where two of his disc were born fused. What chakra is that. The fertility chakra. It's blocked. I can't un-fuse those disc to open those channels.

In Too Deep/Genesis
Then move that energy path up to his heart? It's coal black. He is incapable of feeling love. Not because he is blocked spiritually in the heart, but he is mentally ill. This man is black in his head. He can't even see what love is. He is completely blind to seeing it or feeling it. You need these three things to be a parent. Every thing about him was a rehearsal. His behaviors were learned. The fun stuff. From both parents. No one taught this boy any responsibility. Then Mary came along and taught him a whole new ball game. Gas light her. I went to counseling when I moved to California because I was finished with my mother. I didn't want that divorce from my mother to trigger any ill effects in my future life or marriage. especially with my children. I wanted to be aware and whole.


Dust In The Wind/Kansas
Embetterment. Self discovery into myself? Since when is that a crime? He turned it on me. Telling people oh yeah she needs to go to counseling. She had the fucked up child hood. I really didn't. I was aware. I learned what to watch for. I learned compassion and that things aren't always what they seem. I learned to communicate productively with Greg and that was just it. I got no where. Looking at these papers I found ten and eleven years later I'm still telling him the same thing. He's still writing it down. It never occurred to anyone how broken my heart was. To be locked in all that time? I wasn't allowed to speak about anything I went through because now I'm blaming him for going to rehab. That wasn't the case. I couldn't bring to the table, the crime, the set up, the game, the neglect and how he doesn't see pain. They handed the educated one keys to the kingdom over my well being.

Who's Crying Now/Journey
Then it dawned on me, why the fuck should I feel guilty about what my X had done to me and my children? Why should I feel guilty about what this will do to his family when they learn she raised the beast? Not just the Beast here but here she raised a sociopath. Who presents this normal hard working family with values and all she did was cripple him and hands her lazy pathetic dirty work off to me? Poking me all the way. Handing me garbage for my children? Telling me I just want new things? I just want nice things. If I mentioned food I like or a restaurant I was told I like to spend money. I just like to waste money, yet they could eat out? The were allowed to eat the way they wanted? I was right along with them.

Witchy Woman/Eagles
Not complaining on all these never ending excursions that Greg couldn't miss. That was what Steve said to me. It was to much. The parties and the outings never ended. It was sold as family time when it really was their time and quality. Why the flying flock should I care what happens to her son or their family? The way I see it Elaine, when this day comes. I'm gonna have to put your son down, for the greater good of mankind. His essence is poison. Is soul is poison. His TOL is poison. His heart and his mind. No he was the black cloud. My mother is too but she's the filter for this family for the curse of that ten back black family I married into. I don't give a flock what God nor his son/sun because they are interchangeable. Your not getting one without the other anymore. Their will be no more picking and choosing. No more telling your holy parents how they are gonna raise their flock.

Simple Man/LS
This is how we got here, we allowed big brother to stick their nose up our asses and take over. They handed the human race over, literally slavery all over this rock. My point is we are so entertained and hooked up to that instant gratification of this electronic family plan raising our children. Going in our landfills? All for that instant hook up no one can live without? They made you gullible and dumb.  We allowed a machine, a system with no heart to come in poison every thing and devalue the human races suffering over the price of that machine. Well IC very clearly why I'm Justice. Nothing like taking a spiritual loving woman, whom came here to be a mom and steeling it all. He literally castrated me. Both of them did. So no Elaine. Your son is like an invisible rabid dog with that mask he wears. They have shown me, over and over that he has not met one agreement we have ever made, or will he ever. Especially when Mary Stone is still out there trying to shut me down. Bitch you right along with Greg and his ten back are nine layers in hell. This mother says 7000 years.

Who'll Stop The Rain/CCWR
Elaine, Bob, and Greg you can take your black ten back and get the fuck off my rock. You can take that German and Japanese curse and get it off my rock. You made your bed and you can lie in it. You can lay in hell in all the shit I had to sit in all these years. It's gonna be hot. When I figured out last night my tat on my back, the way her Magenta gown disappeared? That pink cloud disappeared and now her wings are pointy, she's got horns and a staff in her right hand that she has a name after all? You will not burn out my fire or the torch I carry for this rock. The Fiery One. I'm gonna put you and your demons dogs down once and for all. Take your Billy Goats at all these toll booths and get the flock off my rock.

Running Against The Wind/BS
Get all this slavery off my rock. Those of you that want to label this about that race card. Fuck you all. On this rock we come in all shapes and sizes. I like the colors and shapes of my beasties just fine the way they are in all their imperfection. You know what I believe, that some times its those imperfections that give you character and color. What would this rock be if we were all the same? What if we were all the same personality shape and color? We would have no color. That's right we would have no love and light. We would have no heart. Sometimes its our emotions that give us power. Yeah it's a fight not only for this rock, this crown, it's the last fight for Love. Without love in our hearts, we are dark, we are hungry. It's time to clean house Dad and Mom. Like Kyle, I'm tired of walking through the pain alone. I want to go home where my heart is.

Just Remember I Love You/Firefall
At least Kyle has someone to go home to.  It's just to weird for me to go home to my own brother and call him my husband. Let alone treat him like my husband in all walks of life. No way. UHHHH UHHHH that is just to weird even for me after all this. I was wondering why God was drawing this out after mine and Kyle's last conversation? He wanted to EEEEKKKK out of me every last vestibule of emotion of discovery about this man every step of the way. I recon he wanted it documented. That apple and that heart. Back to the apple of Gods eye and I found my heart. He had it all along. God is a sneaky bastard sometimes. Do I want to hand this family back? Some moments of some days. Will I ever? No. I'm not going to dishonor them either. I have no idea what more emotionally they want out of me?

Won't Go Home Without You/Maroon 5
Better Man/LBT
Playing With Fire/TR