The Original Agreement

The date today July 14th, 2017. It is 10:20 a.m. I have been awake since about four. As usual in a good mood ready to start my day. Somehow no matter the pain, I might be angry about the pain, deep down emotionally, I am happy. I am not depressed. Usually something has to get me angry or enraged. I like to write with my emotions. I have discovered since July 5th my blog stopped downloading. Yesterday I am determined. "I don't care what it takes. Take the time and get it fixed. Figure it the fuck out once again Colleen." Fucking song is pissing me off. "Take It To The Limit" my ass. I find out it's not a tech support site but a soliciting site to get me to spend more money to sign up for help for another club. More mother fucking marketing and I don't know where the issue really lye.

More wasted time and energy for an affiliate site that in order to get their service, I have to get this service to download. We wonder why I lose my shit at all the affiliate's? The hand off and blame if you lose it. If you use a swear word then I am out of line. I told this bitch "it is her job to handle angry customers who swear. It is her job to serve me, not tell me how to behave at their dis-service. That this is not customer service to tell me how to behave as an adult for being unhappy with your products that are your affiliate's and leave me holding the bag. Taking the time to figure out to get your service to work."

A lie it turned out to be. She told me the problem is on my end. I accepted that until she couldn't tell me what it was, but kept trying to get me to stop telling her I'm not paying for another program? I called you for help, not another mother fucking club. I asked for her manager? She went to the next program. I asked for tech support? she went to the next program. Her English which I did not mention. I mean any excuse to cut me off for my own racist behavior in all this bullshit marketing.

She had my number, was supposed to email me how I could fix this problem myself in one of two ways. I never received anything let alone a call back if we get disconnected. Which of course a flat screen cell phone against my cheek? Finally sign up to get another call back. This guy had no idea how I ended up with someone who tried to sale me a program. His name was Caesar and he was a dream. He got online with me, and he serviced me real good. Told me it was an error in the framework of a Microsoft Edge product. I had switched my information to Microsoft about a month ago when I got this laptop. Something so easy right? Not for me. Not so much. I have the worst luck. If something is going to go wrong it's going to be me. Especially in customer service and technology. Quite frankly any service. I am always wrong. It is amazing how the customer is always wrong today? Perhaps humanity is recyclable to these corporations after all?

Free Fallin' by Tom Petty
I asked Caesar, so when I get up in the morning, I can just turn on my computer and it will work? He said yes. I was so happy. Do you know why I put the time down this morning, because it took me this long of being bounced back to Microsoft service board. Getting caught up again. That virtual customer service, when it is a machine that is your server, it has to go has to go. Machines don't get to tell customers to fit in their guidelines and parameters. Kept asking me to re-frame my questions? I literally said, Tech Support. I got nowhere. Asked to repeat question.

For about the last two weeks I haven't been so re-active to my discoveries. Until about Wednesday July 5th it finally happened, the wind got knocked right out of my sails. I have felt a loss. Not so fulfilled anymore. For someone who was lost in the beginning and thankful to be found, I sure feel lost again. Numb most of the time. Each day I get up and somehow, I'm back at it. Working out and pushing myself. I either keep moving, or I crash once again. I do not care what these doctors say. I'm getting stronger come hell or high water.

Fuck this shit, back to John Denver. My Sweet Lady. It's on Shuffle. I like the T.V., I Quit, by TWAT. That's more like it. I need some emotion to keep me moving. Anger and rage is what I want. It just doesn't last long. Flash dance, that's how I feel some days. Like I just can't stop dancing. Some days its heavy funk, getting my dancing feet on. John Travolta Staying alive with, some Egyptian funk, my geriatric hips start twirling and shaking. My ass wiggles all day, it doesn't matter if I'm sitting down or lying down, they even rock in my sleep.

 This last week, I haven't felt like dancing. I just wanted to put my pack on. Pull my shoulders back and feel the weight. I wanted to push myself to the next level. Get to the next level of pain and hurt. I wanted to be in the sun, and sleep peacefully in the woods. I wanted to walk red rock road and sit at the circle.  It sits on the Hay Stack line and that TA sign. Here I seem to have the best moment's of communication's. This is where I wailed for my children's life down on my knee's. This is where I transitioned from Mother Nature's daughter to God's daughter.

Lady by LRB
I just wanted answers. I wanted it done. I had a trigger hair temper, and I knew it. I dared inside to be harassed. To be approached once again for literally walking peacefully. I only knocked on one door in two years. Sadly he thinks I'm the big bad wolf knocking at his door. I have no idea why I have this urge, to speak the Truth? Hell in the past even when I knew the truth inside of how I felt or knew. I did not speak. Why bother? Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves. They hurt worse than myself, they like to up the ante and compete for suffering, instead of just simply letting me speak, from finish to end, then I know no matter what you believe, I tried to tell the truth. I agreed to look crazy. I'm so done with carrying the load.

I Got A Name by J.C.
I had been feeling like a Other lately. Like what color am I now? It seems Faith is black. The Lakota is red. Mary being a lil' Jew would be brown. In the beginning I felt a lil' Tao so that would make me yellow. Then you tell me I'm the rainbow? That I represent, this planet and all it entails. Like that's not a hard pill to swallow? Yet after awhile I accept. I accept the Hindu, I accept I'm the rainbow, the pot of gold, as well as the milk and honey. I accept all that I represent. I accept my animal side. I accept my beasty side.

Somethin' I'm Good At by B.E.
I mean playfully so. I cannot not wait to play with my beasty side, all my beasty sides in that garden of Eden. That is the best part. I admit, the human side is still a bit fearful, yet my curious monkey, can't wait to play with my Kitty Kat. With permission of course. With God in all those dimensions, all those tribes, all those good fun lovin' hurts so good inside of me. Gotta string me along with that carrot stick somehow, because money and a man is not going to cut it this time. Been there done that and this time I want all of it. I want the passion, I want the drive, I want The Love, I want the beast, and most of all God I want the heart.

Far Behind by Candelbox
I want the Lion, I want that Great Big Monkey Man. I hope to God the Snake is a symbol of that Excalibur scenario I got a snap shot in my mind. Yeah, that's gonna be the good part. Just think their ain't nothing I can do about being God's little beasty? Who would want to? I just want the next part over with. Just do what you have to do to get me there. I don't care what it takes. Get me to that Garden of Eden, the right way, please. For once can something just be easy? Not so hard? If it is, can it please be the good kind of hard? Can we please get this over with? I know your setting me up for more downfall, more hurt, more pain. I just want this over with. Hurry up get me stronger. Take me down, and pick me up, just get this torture over with. Put me out of my misery already.

Something In The Way She Moves by JT
I had been wondering what color of a box would I check for my skin today? I mean thanks for the Identity Disorder. I had been thinking lately about how you brought me in as the little sister? I would not want to be the victim of that wrath. Being the little sister to that brother. One thing Kimmie and I always had was compassion and understanding for my brother and all he had went through. Finding that their was a record way back then on my uncle. Two other little boys were removed when my uncle tried to be a foster home. No one went back again. Yet it's okay to not bother to take a look when a little boy keeps running away? Make him take the pain and carry the blame. Make my brother pay for sins of thy father, thy brother from that garden. Just for being born. No, my brother didn't even have a wing and a prayer from the very start.

Wild Horses/New Kid In Town
It was as if my Uncle Marvin owned Todd. It was accepted and it was absurd beyond disbelief how everyone including the state turned a blind eye. Even locked him in juvie for years. No I wouldn't want to be the victim of just this lil' sister's rage.

Follow Me by UK
Then to be the daughter of all I went through with my father? Learning the Truth of why he suffered, and why he looked like the walking dead? The truth in knowing that this man chose to come back, to suffer just to be my father? The Truth in why he showed up with test question's about my heart in my dreams? My answer, for love. He just needs love. I didn't ask Jim for nothing, all he stole from me and the excuses. It is not okay. All because I saw the Truth and had compassion for all he had gone through. No I never tried to fix any man. They make their own choices. Why get in a relationship to fix? Support is one thing. Teamwork is plural. More than one. I gave it. They didn't. To busy looking at what I had and what I could provide. No being this daughter and the rage I feel over this? I wouldn't want to be on the other end of my rage.

Chain Reaction
Then God you brought me in as Sara. You made me feel things from Sara's perspective just being the daughter in hiding and all she had been through up to a point. I'm getting the Helen Of Troy spirit here. The symbolism and dishonor of what you did to another child, who had spirit.

Then God you brought me in as Mary. You made me feel Mary. You made me feel her broken heart. Her rage for what happened to her husband. No way would I want to feel the wrath of that wife's rage. Then you bring me in as the mother in the garden. Adam her heart, her love. The apple of her eye is coming back? On this rock, in this life? Then back to BABALON/BABYLON I go. I was sitting in the car, and it started to dawn on me, wait a minute, who am I again? You have switched me to all these women. Including, the upside of Hope, Faith, and Karma. Let's not forget about the down side. Freya, Her children. ISIS, His Children.

All Star and The Fighter
I had been feeling the last few day's like a shift in gears inside me. Like something a change is coming up inside once again. I was having flash backs of The Predator holding up my spine, and me saying "oh thank you, that feels so good. Now can you just dip it in some ice before you put it back?" I know take note God, I find out their really is a predator looking to rip the tree of life right out of me and my babies does not make me happy.

Gypsy and Let's Groove
I'm thinking about J.C. being jailed and the similarities? The commitment vs. the agreement? My spine, the finding of the Tree of Life in Revelations? Then my mind is getting flashes of J.C.'s flogging and my spine. The answer sinks in. You mean to tell me, the whoosh inside my mind, I'm the actual J.C. that hung on the cross? Your Son and His Tree of Life, why he took all he took, was me? Inside me it was silent. Like crickets. I should of known. I was numb. I have been numb, ever since. Hardly any reaction. I just keep moving, eating, sleeping, working out throughout the day. I no longer want to dance. It's one thing to carry Jesus Christ inside you, it is a whole new ball game to tell me I was actually Jesus Christ.

Can't Help Falling In Love by C.I.
I knew inside somehow, I have to deal with this. That the agreement I made goes that far back. I felt astonished and breathless. I mean when I looked up at God, A name God? I need a name? Who am I in all this? He said, Jesus Christ. I couldn't even get mad enough to call God an Asshole. I just haven't had it in me. The banter the jokes, the tears, the emotions, and all I had been through, in the discoveries alone in the last two years? My mind should of turned to flubber long ago. Standing out here moving amongst the suffering? Finding the Truth? Cursed or gifted? Tragic really.

Just Remember I Love You and Rocky Mountain High
I haven't felt myself inside ever since. I caught myself sitting in my over sized chair turning my head to the left and pushing my whole body back into the chair. Wanting to shrink and disappear. It started to dawn on me, OMFLG! I'm Jesus Christ and I just wrote this blog, this book, with child molestation, sex, swear words up the yin yang all the way up the line? This way and that? I'm Jesus Christ? This is the book? This is the Truth of what it's like to be Jesus Christ? The rebellion inside me is Jesus Christ determination and anger to walk through the pain again? That's a pair of shoe's I never wanted to fill.

It was the next day, I looked up and I said "thank you, I now I have a G.I.D. because of you. Not only do I have the burning bush, I now officially have a G.I.D. Never a S.T.D my whole life. Now you just made me have to ask myself, wait a minute, am I male or female now? Gender Identity Disorder, thanks allot."

Your Song and IF
I mean you always kept me on the female perspective side. I was happy on that side by the way. More than happy to stay on that side of the line. I guess, I got my answer once again to why am I the one standing under the men? The other shoe always has to drop with you.

Take MY Breath Away
That is the reason for that huge metaphysical dick I carried? It's actually Jesus Christ Dick? That is whose balls I carry when I said, I have your balls?" You present yourself as a male. You introduce me to my brother, my father, over and over, each relationship as the female. It started to dawn on me, their you go again. You keep repeating relationships. First the little sister with my brother and in the garden. Then my own father on this rock from this timezone and Jesus Christ Daughter Sara. Then your daughter, your creation. Then you represent me as the wife. Then you break it to me I am the wife of Jesus Christ by flashing me into a scene, I'm in white lingerie and a man with thorns leaning over me. Then I'm not only His wife but yours too? In bed in white lingerie with Big Daddy behind me, and I'm off, then I am out. Crying and running, I don't want to know. Then Abe, Moses, the rose, in my life and all around me the name of all these flowers? The women, here and there the names? The fruits of life?

Hotel California/Think A little Less
I had had no reaction once so ever. Waiting for me to just go off and lose my shit. I was changing, standing at the foot of my bed. All of a sudden I start yelling. Spinning stopping like a robot in all directions. The East, the South, the West and the North, I yelled, "Come on, please tell me I'm smarter than this? Please tell me that who I really am is smarter than this? How could I not know? How could I not know after all the times you have dropped the other shoe? From the very beginning the first words out of my mouth was Jesus Christ, Are you kidding me? I figure out it's my calling to speak to you truthfully for how I feel inside, but this?

To Think I used To Love You/Sara Smile
I still love you, Yes at times I feel like an ungrateful shit for all this glory and hand holding in the greatest love story ever written. I didn't know for how long it was actually J.C. who was feeding me and walking with me? Months it took me to figure out my swear words were my calling. So who am I calling now God? Myself? The gender issues between us in past lives, is something I don't even

Bad Bad Leroy Brown
want to know? Stop God, please the past lives and finding out I'm J.C.? It's that commitment I made, it's bad enough. I don't need a visual of you two as males, which turns out to be who? Me? I can't get past Michael the Arch Angel sticks close to God? The John's are by J.C. in all those books, a John close by. No God, my fear is your going to up the ante by finding out that I am God and you have been back inside me all along? I want you to be the King, inside Him. Kyle. He is going to need you as God more than I am at that moment. I might be smaller God, but I can handle more pain. I have been the one who walked through all these dimensions not him. He's going to need you more than I will at that time. Of course the girl's God.

I'm Comin' Over/Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
They go home God. Broken hearts go home. I think it was the next day, this is my favorite part, it's sad because it didn't even cheer me up for very long. Bless his heart anyway. I know I have to deal as honestly with my emotions no matter what they are in order to get through this. Even if I feel like the heel at times, a complete jackass at other times.

Life After You by Daughtery
Honesty is the best policy for any successful relationship. Finding out my husband is God, no matter what I do nor think, I know for certain their ain't nothing inside me he doesn't know. He gave me him to be honest and get it all out. Even my beasty side. My angry throat grabbing side of me. Out of all the times I have had my throat grabbed now by four different men, it's incredible still to me the first thing I did as a reaction was to go right for the throat? Talk about a beasty test.

I took a break from trying to get my blog to connect to the server at the library. Not even the guy with a laptop next to me could do it.

Baby Goes Bang/Can't Find My Way Home
Standing in the parking lot smoking, dancing, stretching like I do. I never stand still. I can't sit still unless I'm ready to curl up and wind down on my heating pad. Curl up and crash. It started to Dawn on me past conversations I have had with past people? Talk about a wide river of denial? Needing to take a look in the mirror? One finger up, three fingers down? Reading in Revelations and Liber 49, blind? Yes, I am now blind as a bat. I have broke two pair of reading glasses in the last week.

Slide/Go Your Own Way
Both pairs, just came to me for free, the right reading number just in the brink of time. I broke the ones with three diamond gem stones on the corners while camping my first night. No I had no back up. This was my last pair. Look what turns up the next day just my size and numbers? A pair of reading glasses that Gary found on the ground. Told me I could have them and they weren't to wide. Yes, I had a happy feet moment. I lil' thank you upstairs my own way.

Lost In Love/I Like The Sound Of That
Off base Colleen. I said to Lisa about Clarissa and her outburst, "boy that one is buried deep. She doesn't even know who she represents or what she's screaming about? She screams at night and in the phone at her mother, "tell Mary and Jesus, I hate them". Then I got a couple more pictures about people screaming J.C. around me. How I have just let you lead me along? You being the Shepherd to the misguided such as myself. How I don't really ask, I let you tell me who I am before I go through any acceptance. I keep that person or being off to the side until they keep coming up and I have verification, a proof of life. That Blind Faith I carry inside me, trust in you to lead? Look where it lead me? Back to me, and you. Yes I am hooked God. Hook line and sinker you got me.

Carry On Wayward Son/Can You Feel My Love Tonight
Then I lose my shit. It started to Dawn on me. "OH MY God!!!! You Just played the biggest April Fools Joke on your own wife. I'm not the fool of the Universe? I'm not the laughing stock? Yet hear I am. I am the biggest fool in the universe after all. That at times why I feel like all eyes are on me, when I lose my shit, or I realize just how naive and gullible I really am?  Like how did I not see that coming? The comedians are going to have a hey day with this one. Talk about a roast? That is why I would get a feeling every now and then, hey, watch her lose her shit at this discovery? Wait until she finds out the truth of this? Watch her.....and their she goes"

It sunk in all the nicknames, another play on the fool. "I kind of choked and laughed when I realized this. I said, "well played. Touche'! You must like your nickname, ASSHOLE! I haven't even called you that in like two week's. Well not hardly."

Always A Woman/Under The Boardwalk
What you miss it? Not getting much of a re-action out of me lately?" Then the open palm, all I wanted to do was go home and get more answers, to get me to the next step. Just like I do every time I go back, to heavens gates. It started to dawn on me walking around the woods and trails taking pictures, how long it took me to fully comprehend what being a seer means? What it feels like? Why in the beginning one connection over the phone, and I would start flashing on the spot. I had no idea what it meant or what was happening to me? I would flash heavy with him at first, well after a conversation, then it started the flashes with him that evening at the red rock. I wasn't even aware I was doing it until after again. Up until about a week ago I finally started to fully comprehend what being a seer feels like? A heart seer anyway. Would of been nice to know some of this in the beginning. I mean Jesus Christ which turn's out to me, got forty day's and night's in a desert.

I laughed last night understanding how he survived. How you fed him in your own way all along. Just like you did me and still do today. I get fifty years, blind faith, clueless at that? Talk about unfair and well played. No wonder you felt so familiar at that touch?

Peace Train/I Want to Know What Love Is
I mean the whole druid thing took me how many times going back around, and until I saw him asleep in the Sorcerers Stone and my dreams? That Druids still work. The name Tim Ellis on a druids name in the beginning. My first boyfriend ninth grade. He cheated. First broken heart.

Nothin' Like You/If You Could Read My Mind
Then seeing that black snake sitting at the black pit for two days in the beginning of October 2016, obviously watching for me. Their is another seer in the locale'? Let it watch me. Let it hear every word. Let it know here I am. I'm still here. Anytime you want to rear your ugly head, whatever the fuck you are. I am right here. I am ready at the helm. As long as you are there. I am here.

Still it took me awhile actually about two weeks ago. The dark witchcraft behind that one. The name of the Hotel across the way. The reason for seeing the whatever those people were in that pit in the woods, with Adam and Eve each tied to some kind of post. All Adam can do is watch what is being done to Eve.

Body Like A Back Road/Smoke Break
Pretty horrifying and no I don't want to see no more. I figured out my other five God? It began for me on this rock this time in Renton, the number five. You better get me to Camelot in the end that's all I got to say. So it ends in a five once again? I started rinsing that truck stop with river water and saying The Lords Prayer in 2015. Another five, with a ten back. Yeah I see the upside. I still don't care God. It's still not enough. Not this time, it's not enough. You can't even yank my chain and piss me off for very long anymore. You can't make me laugh for very long anymore. Even if out of all the beings I have met, Robin Williams was the best gift still after all this. Even the timing, superb and beautifully timed.

It's Been Awhile/Rhiannon
Nope, even if the good old United States of America still say's the services we receive in the United States in America is good enough. Not according to my standards they are not. This is not freedom. If I am your wife, you want me to speak for you, then let's move this along. Burned out and tired of being fed up, being fed all the bullshit lies and excuses. You get me off this ride.

Sunshine On My Shoulders/Me and U and a Dog Named Blue
I'm tired of being strung along. I'm tired of all the injustice. I'm tired of the burdens and having my hands tied. I'm tired of all the discoveries of Truth and well the Jesus Christ Truth about did me in inside, I did not want to know that. I did not want to see things from Jesus Christ perspective. Now God Dammit, I have no idea how to be Jesus Christ, or still how you expect me to comprehend this?

Right Here Waiting/The Best Of My Love
I went off Wednesday night. Just sitting in my chair. Yelling this is insane. This is insane, This is insane. (my left hand doing chopping signs) How do I comprehend this? How am I supposed to feel about this? What am I supposed to do with this? How can I not future trip?

Then last night how am I supposed to tell another human being, "oh no, I'm Jesus Christ, your God?" Insane. If I can't comprehend this after two years myself, just knowing full well you were gonna pull this shit? I can't comprehend the insanity of this. I can't comprehend the insanity of my words. At the moment, I'm not sure if they are His Words, JC's word's or my own, as a wife and mother. here nor there, are you flocking kidding me? For once in my life God, I don't even know what to do with this. I'll stand by you. Whatever that may be. I know full well, I'm not done kicking and screaming, or else, I wouldn't still be out here. So get it over with, I hate to ask once more, how much worse can this possibly get? I'm not gonna get my answers until I put some declaration in writing out there.

I was thinking this morning, I once believed in Soul Mates. I was hoping for a soul mate once upon a time. I lost hope of that dream a long time ago. Finding your true love and best friend. Keep the knight in shining armor. Keep the white horse. Just feed me the good love, with no strings attached for once in my life.

I Just Wanna Stop
I just want off this train wreck. Get me out of this box. Stop making me live with a man I do not love. I know how ungrateful of me to say that out loud. Truth is Michael is not going to like himself when he finds out. Just get this shit off me and take it back.

P.S.
I still love you, a lil' bit.