The United States Flag Reigns

I believe I was working in a small town for a YMCA or YWCA. It was a after school basketball program for kids. Yeah truth is I know nothing about basketball, except their is a hoop, a ball. One team has to stop the other team from making a basket. Yet again in every dream I had a job to do and more discoveries to make.

This was a very small community. It mainly survived off of a local warehouse. It had small lil' wooden houses. The nice strong ones, not the cheap crappy ones created today. I took a young girl home. Her mother was a single mother who worked a second job to feed her children. She worked in the warehouse for years and this mother was struggling. You see in this town everything was controlled. How much you made for example?

My goal was to get these kids basketball scholarships and something positive to focus on. When I got their this part makes me cry. This mother had five children, because their were two younger ones that the older kids had to take care of. Feed them, entertain them, and try to get them to bed all the while trying to care for themselves and get their own homework done. This was poverty.

I snuck into the warehouse to see what was going on inside. It was a shipping warehouse of cheap goods. Basically garbage. I found my way up to the office trying to get around the guard in the aisle by the trucking entrance. I watched the manager of this warehouse being controlled by the small town mafia going on behind the scenes.

I met up with one of the delivery truck drivers. No better way to get on the inside than to date a local delivery truck driver. I'd sit in his truck when it would park on the outside and watch the going ons from the outside going in. I had already snuck into the second warehouse. The one this mother worked in at night. She was scared, she had to be careful. Their was no one left to care or feed her children if something happened to her. They were keeping track of the people also where they went and who they conversed with through this church. They saw who attended and this little mafia found out the truth of what people were doing, through the pastor of this church. Only he wasn't really a pastor. He was a cult leader using religion and God to keep control of this community for the mafia behind the scene's.

After we left we were being followed. Somehow we ended up on backroad in the woods. I had been there when I explored the town and the backroads over the days before snooping around. We ended up at a dead end. He was killed. I got out and ran into the woods. I came to a landfill in the center of the woods. It had some machinery around it. Used to fill the hole with the garbage that came in. It was deep and garbage was going up the sides. Of course their were more of them than me.

I hid. I was discovered and when I came too. I was left for dead at the bottom of this landfill. Yeah it seems I got my ass kicked allot in my dreams.  This just might be the spiritual cause of my spine being so out of whack. The beatings my body took in these dreams. This definitely wasn't the first time.
I crawled out. I lived. I stand. As for what was in the second warehouse, it was a manufacturing company that sewed and mass produced flags. Actually that's right the people that worked in the second warehouse basically were slaves, who sacrificed their own lives to work in a warehouse by night to secretly sew united states flags and ship them out through the first warehouse. Hope Floats. Even in my dreams.

You know about six weeks or so I heard the word Tierney just after I discovered I'm the lost Anastasia. I wasn't sure what Tierney meant? I believe it means a take over? You see this system, the Government's or the different way each Government is ran, their is one entity behind each one for centuries. It created war. It provided weapons so we can kill each other off. It planted itself back before we learned about the Egyptians. The Egyptian's, the God's and the different Entities that invaded this planet. They bred with us, they altered our DNA, and well we have been sacrificed and enslaved to this system ever since.

Through pretty much each nation and each culture we have been enslaved fighting for our freedom to love God and to be fairly taxed on our resources that Mother Nature (aka. Mary) and God gave us as a planet. One unit to eat on, to get our medicine from, our tobacco, our oil. Everything across our nation's that is good through mother natures resources have been mass produced and poisoned. All under the guise and control of one entity for mass production, lying to mankind making us feel like we can't survive without them. Without that money tree that does not exist here and defiantly not our first home, heaven.

This system wants us and our children to adapt to all this synthetic reproduction of everything good. This system wants us to forget that God came before any religion. This system doesn't want us to know that each religion only tells part of the story. It doesn't want us to remember our natives going way back. The ones who based their lives on mother nature, this rock and God. Family and Traditions.
Systematically each religion has taken over other religions throughout time. Changed God's rules over time. They created their own rules in each sect to get a ticket to heavens gates. All you need is love in your heart. Family and traditions. The Grace to respect and give thanks to each parent every now and then. We love God and our family each day, no matter where we are at, no matter what class you sit in, by our own behavior toward each other. You disrespect one parent you disrespect the other. Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father you honor and represent heaven here on this planet. God gave us life. We carry that life, that soul inside our hearts.

It was about the fourth or fifth grade that I wrote my first song. I wrote this when Sue used to drag me and Gwen around from church to church. It was called "Keep On Trucking For The Lord." Let's break these chains that bind us through religion and this system as a whole unit, under one God, under one Mother, for the whole of mankind and this rock. For our children and their future. Let Freedom reign for everyone once and for all. Our ancestors fought for freedom from each Nation that came to the United States long ago.  Not only for our Nation but all of them. As God's children we no longer pilgrimage and rape each other or this planet. We stand as one and we stand strong. We represent that one family of Love, because together we are one family. We are God's flock.

We came from the heavens. We are born of this rock on this rock. His Flock, My Rock. We all carry that rock inside our hearts. That rock is God. He is our fortress and this planets protector. You don't need life insurance or representation when you carry that rock inside you. No entity is getting my rock, my ring of fire or that sun. I stand for one nation under one God for all of his flock.

The Game

I have discovered that I have had a pattern in my dreams. I have gone to different fair's in my dreams only to discover the truth behind all these fair's and games. Each dream was something to figure out, discover or find. Usually it was the truth behind the games and how they really work. This is one of the dreams when I was slammed back into with a few others to make a point. To help me to connect the dots.

In this one it was a big video arcade. It had rides, games, balloons, and food. The entrance was set up like a entrance at the reptile area at the zoo. It was cement, on the right going in you got tickets and checked your coats. To the left is where families walk out. On one ride you stood in a big line, it was similar to going down a big water slide, that took you into the next phase at the bottom.

The fun house entrance. In the first part you walked through. It was easy and fun. On the second part you got on a ride. This part of the fun house things got darker and scarier. After you got off the ride you had to walk the rest of the way. This is the part that got even darker. This part was where you had to fight for your life to get to the exit. Once out of the exit, people were laughing still and having a good time.

Their were other rides as well going on that you could see moving through the video arcade floors. Once out of the fun house you have a choice of different rides to enter or games to play. This is the part where I walked into a room, I don't remember all of this part. I know I was observing something going on out the window to the main floor of the arcade. I was also conversing with someone. I was observing one man standing in the middle of the floor. He was not good.

When I came out of the game I stood at the exit and entrance. I noticed many things that the human race didn't notice. That is the people are the energy that is making this game work. This arcade. Like we were the balls bouncing around in the games. Being bounced around and making the bells and whistles going off. When we went down the slides we were providing the energy to make the game work.

When we exited the fun house people were disappearing from groups. The ones that did walk out seemed to have forgotten about the other friends and family they walked in with. Poof ! Gone from their hearts, gone from their minds. Standing at the exit people were so busy having a good time they didn't even notice that hardly anyone walked out compared to others walking in.

Burn out this planet, poison it, you poison God's flock. This system has so much energy to use on this planet in so many ways. Think of it as a whole unit. In this bubble we have all sorts of different kinds of energy to make it work as a whole unit. One of those energy units/vessel's is you as a human being. What happens when you take something that is a whole organic being and you poison it with synthetics? You suppress, shut down, damage or kill off one or different parts of your system inside.  Poison in the drug's legal and illegal. Poison in not telling in the whole story in each religion. We can't reach for the stars or truth inside us until we know the whole truth.

Just different parts creating distention, rules and guidelines to be closer to God creates distention. Guilt, shame and judgement that was created by man not God. Poison of the heart from the start, burns energy just within, with the guilt and shame we carrying our heart and mind hurts the body inside. When we hurt or don't feel it has a negative impact on 100 percent of our energy. It turns us as 100 percent organic being to a 10 percent heart, 8 percent mind, the other 47 percent healthy body mass. Now what happens to the other 35 percent? This is the start of the poison at the first heart break and rejection, triggered through the mother and/or father. This 35 percent is the poison that slowly grows and erodes our bodies with disease.  It's synthetic pain we carry inside us. We need to be more of a 33.33 heart, 33.33 body, 33.33 mind. Balance to heal.

Our energy and this planets energy suffers because of this entity/corporation/system. It is set up to make mankind fail. This planets system suffers and is off balance then so do the inhabitants. The ones closest to this rock born of this rock. It creates a negative dark energy inside us and it grows all around us in different ways. We pass it through judgement, shame and negative actions to others. Sin grows or the illusion of it grows, right along with the negative dark energy. Mankind suffers as a whole in different ways. Through our hearts and minds, the labels and guilt that is placed by this Entity/Corporation/Monopoly for getting sicker and sicker physically and mentally. All for the poison and labels they created through our food, water, medical healthcare, the prescription drugs, religion and rules. The guilt and shame in the fines for no longer being able to feed yourself or afford a decent roof over your head.

What I want to know is where is the civility in all these civil cases? No one can manage, especially not the victim or the police. All these corporations and the civil cases they create making and changing the rules to humanity as they go along. This legal system that serves itself but fines us for being human and reacting to the injustice. All these civil court cases, weighing my holy blue jeans down low with all the bullshit they feed me. All the way to the top in the blue suits they float to the top of this Monopoly going on behind the scenes. No what else floats? Shit floats. All those civil court cases that they create the guidelines and rules? If,  how and when you get reimbursed from a corporation, does not make a very fair game to play does it? All these hospital cover ups and all the red tape this whole system encompasses to get anywhere. It is set up to burn you out and make you look crazy for being a spiritual being with emotions, just like God made us, in his image with her heart.

Cain Reincarnated

OOOOHHHH Cain, this ones for you. You know at times this internet shit comes in pretty handy. Yeah Cain, I've been processing again. It seems I'm like a human computer after all. Download, download, download, process, process, process. I admit this journey to finding the answer's is getting pretty old. You see Cain, I have learned even more about that garden.

I have learned that Eve likely had more than nine children. I have heard five, ten and fifty. No one is sure when Eve died. It seems their isn't any record. No record on Sara or how many daughters or the names. The story of the woman named Christ from way back when, who had children with two half brothers. One had compassion and the other didn't. Later her name changed to Mummy. Interesting how in the early times the children were kept in this family tree. I'm seeing a common link here, a familiarity.

So Cain not only did I spell your name wrong in the beginning, sorry about that. No, not really. It seems Cain that I have discovered just how you came back into this family tree? I have discovered how you stuck so close to this family tree? Remember brother where there is light there is dark. Mankind may not of been able to follow the women in this family. You know the ones from the garden that even today some of these lil pecker heads are so arrogant to think the women weren't important in the bible. They are so arrogant today to think they are above Eve, to think they are above their own mothers because they were born male. Now we both know brother where these lil pecker heads really came from? We both know they wouldn't be here without Eve. Nothing on this planet is created without mother nature aka. Mary and our one true father not knowing about it. You know The Big D in the sky? The one True Father. Always a representation of your true parents throughout time right brother?

Yeah I wondered just how this family kept track of you for so long too? Follow the light right brother? You keep coming back and you keep following the light in this family alright. You know keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Always poisoning my mothers love. Not only did I figure out that if God and that family upstairs have been following me this close and watching me my whole life then yes Cain they followed Eve too. As well as you. What is in a name anyway? This one is good brother. I admit some of it is horrifying but somehow I can relate to Eve. At first I just thought I was a vessel for that family upstairs. I thought all along they were just using my emotions. That just isn't the case after all. It really is about those triggers and that first broken heart from the mother or father, even a man and woman in a marriage is a representation of a broken heart from the mother and father. Some it affects deeper than others.

Well I got online to ask some questions about Eve and I'm not sure if I knew this before, the names of Eve's sons? Three of them is a matter of fact. I'm pretty certain Eve didn't know about you. Eve was a young trusting innocent soul. Anew seedling made of the dust and Adam's rib. What did we, your own mother and father name our first born son? Cain. That would be you right brother? We come from those angels right brother?

 In my nieces wedding standing inside Greg, father X. You are the fallen angel reincarnated in that garden through your mother Eve and your father Adam. That would make me give birth to you how many times over through out time? I mean come on Cain, their were more people in that garden, right brother? I mean their were other couples going up to do a ritualistic pure breed. I'm thinking their is a reason why our father let mankind blow these mothers off all these centuries? Part of the big plan right brother? The one I knew nothing about.

So that would make me stronger than you, right brother? So Eve's heart was broken, she had a hole in it because you poisoned Adam too. In poisoning Adam, You planted the ego in the son. You poisoned the love, the apple. What does mankind look for when they aren't sure if someone is male or female? That Adam's apple and all these gender issue's you have everyone focusing on. Truth is we have had people of different genders inside this whole time.

Probably I'd say back through Egyptian time when the male was down on his knees and the woman was taking him from behind. Metaphysically or real still not sure, however their is a erogenous spot behind that rim, right brother? You planted guilt and shame, you turned brother does not lie with brother, into sex. Our Father is a androgynous being of light and love. Some of us have a lil more female in us and some a lil more male. Estrogen for Eve and Testosterone from Adam.

You created the positions to keep things pure. You made it so women couldn't enjoy sex right from the start. The purity of a virgin. That red stain. For the life of me, I never understood why someone would want a virgin? To pluck that flower is about power, right brother? Power and ego.  To make sure the women don't get tempted, to find love anywhere else, you planted guilt and shame, so men cut it out or shamed them. The men are in the other gardens, trying to keep their own bedroom's and wives pure.  Double standard I'd say. If a woman wants sex she is a whore. If a woman like's sex she is a whore, and if the woman doesn't she is a ice queen, cold fish. Another persons object to use as a doormat. Beneath you, keep her under your thumb. Only you and you minion's treat a woman as a possession instead of a human being. Your kind will no longer posses anything.

How is it pure when the man poisoned and soiled that garden with his own needs and desires being met with a stranger, instead of his wife? Truly Cain in order to have a honeymoon phase last in a marriage, you need to learn about compatibility in the bedroom also. You need to learn about trust and whether this guy or significant other is a locker room talker at any age. Now we have people going straight to the bedroom pretending to be something they are not for love. Kind of like looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in all the wrong faces. Trying to fill that hole in their own heart. It's the love of God and that family that get's you through the hard times right brother? Well you just serve people and help, with a agenda. That agenda is not love. To serve anyone with a agenda isn't love it is evol. It is a disservice.

By poisoning Adam, you poisoned the Atom's. You let the Entities into our family. You flocked with mother nature and this planet, with that anti gravity device in Alaska. It came from WWII and we bought the rights and planted it there in about the early seventies.You flocked with our garden's air and weather. Wow Cain, you two have been very busy. You poisoned the wheat and gardens and recreated the organic gardens that were pretty much organic in the first place. Poison the wheat, poison the flour. Poison mankind take all the power. Part of mankind can't eat or afford the GMO and Celiac diet and the other wheat allergy is Gliadin. It's an opiate that binds into the opiate receptors of the brain. It stimulates appetites.  All these special diets and processing. Putting labels on just the essence of something good instead of feeding God's flock the whole fruit. The real medicine we need. We might not pay taxes on the ebt card but truth is the rest of mankind pays taxes over and over. Including taxes on all that mark up and poison.

I also heard that your father Adam kicked your ass right out of his village once again. Still not sure if it's because I (eeewwwww!!!!!) had sex with my own son or not. Since we kept things in the family I'm sure Adam was also having sex with his daughters. Pretty disgusting right brother? No, you like that one don't you? Either way Cain I want you to remember one thing, who's heart your children really came from? I want you to remember who's father you really came from? Truth is you still think your more powerful than me don't you? The turning a mothers love for her son into evol and the fathers love for the daughter into evol. All this rape, molestation and hell. confusion of the spirit and heart right from the start. Rape of Mother Nature (aka. Mary), rape of her daughters and sons, right brother? You two like that don't you brother?

Now I learned of another seven brother? Something like God gave you grace? That if someone tried to take you out they would suffer seven times over. Now brother I sent you to nine layers of hell times three to infinity and beyond. In my family I always have two more, but if you really were born from me 6000 years ago, then you don't have two more over and over like me. You remember you made me who I am? When Eve ate the apple from the Tree of Wisdom, you poisoned my mothers fruit. That might be why your father rejected your fruit, and accepted which brother's sheep and fat? Seth, the S's in this family tree are my snakes in hiding. You killed Able and that would make you the cause of the disabled, right brother?

When you were sent out of the village once again you were a farmer and you were told that you can no longer farm. You can no longer turn the soil and plant a seed in a garden. You didn't like that did you? Over time people forgot this part. Depends who can afford to get something mass produced right brother? Only part of the story over here and over there, right brother? You figured out how to plant a garden alright. You and this system and all those red and blue seeds in the gardens. The ones our own Government secretly watches on these farms to make sure the farmers don't wash them off. All under the guise of mass producing food and all that poison you put in the garden's. To hold back all those weeds in those gardens right brother? To keep the weeds and pests under control.

Isn't it those weed plant's that around the early seventies had to be in every yard in all thirteen colonies? Those were used to fertilize the soil I believe and to keep the weeds under control. Then the Government figured out mankind had a natural medicine that helps mankind spiritually connect upstairs. so it became illegal and you made everyone rip them out. You created the Monopoly on the weed and the legalization rules and boundaries once again. I know that genetically weed is the closest similar plant to our own DNA. The Government did one study in Mississippi and that is all. Truly brother this Government and the way it functions has lost the right to control anything.

About those sixes and nines brother, I figured out I have a lot more than you? Your family is in hiding, as well as mine. I think my niece Shari over rides you too brother. Those born in Renton in the sixties especially the ones I went to school with. We were born in the 60's, Most of us had our children in the nineties and then well that would make these children all in their twenties, right brother? Always two more in this family. Kiley's numbers, 02/17/1997 = 10/36 or 46 then it is her numbers this year brother 02/17/2017 = 10+10 =20 and to think she turns twenty. That would be K for King 2.0. Irony, gotta love irony.

All those changes, and all those wars when our parents were born and our grandparents. All those pioneers who came over to Ellis Island for a new beginning of freedom. People we respected from our own history saw the light and warned us about you. Was one of them Thomas Jefferson?

I was nine I believe when my brother died and he was eight years older than me. He died at seventeen and the next nine was when I was eighteen. It was my first Christmas alone. My sister pinned me down and was punching me back and forth across the face. Kevin my boyfriend who was also raised as a twin. He pulled me out from underneath and told me to pack my stuff. Why was my sister doing that again brother? Our dear sweet mother causing distention and blame for her own horrible behavior, once again. She used my brothers death as a poor excuse. She had not shown much reaction to his dying all those years. Aside from blame. Saying he was nothing but a bad seed.


Kimmie my sister came into my room to apologize and I told her "I am no longer her lil sister that she can use as a punching bag anymore. To place all this families blame on anymore." Zina, our mother came in and said "good, you deserved it." I was at school six to seven days a week. At times until after ten to avoid these two. Once again I don't even have to be around to take the blame for their feud. That is when I went to spend my first Christmas alone. My favorite holiday. I had to live with four guys until I started work. Another four from Renton Indians High School. If I remember right class of eighty three. I was class of eighty six from the Hazen Highlanders. All those people and numbers, all those races who's families spread out. Yes Cain some brothers and sisters have taken the hits for you two. Much more than my family.

My father hung on that cross because of you the entity which planted itself on this planet, in my Washington, right Cane? Oh that's right we were here first. All the way around. The Druids before the Viking's even. Over time those old Druids turned into the Natives. The ones who honored the mother and the father, their family and community. Funny how they are being taken out by all this meth, crack, heroine and that black swill, to drowned them in? When I said the white rocks that lie, it wasn't just the illegal drugs but the legal ones too.

You and the iron curtain behind my Government all set up for failure. To kill off mankind and save themselves. I mean God, your own father is a moral being right brother?  God is full of Love, light and compassion, he see's the bigger picture, right brother? How is it moral to kill off mankind? To use God's name as a weapon to lie? To use God's name in a honorable position and poison God's flock with your lies and poison. To make us blame each other and kill each other off? To fight for mother nature's resource aka. Mary, the very resources that never belonged to you. You create religion and wars to keep us separated and to make us blame each other with all this panic and fear that those in the illuminati created. You do not get to choose who lives and dies this time around, God does and my family does, not yours Cain.

Adam and Eve in Purgatory

OMFG! Yes, Satan I hate you. I hate you. You Mother Fucker! Yes! I remember what I saw down in that hole out of the corner of my eye. I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was real? Let me see brother she had Eve's hair. Hands tied and bound to another piece of wood at a angle. What's the matter brother you gotta tie a woman down to get her to flock you and your minion's? Yeah that's pretty vial.

That' explains how I was My X's rag doll kitty cat. Talk about feeling nothing. No satisfaction you lil prick. After I'd turn over and all I could see was a vial, not such a cute lil piggy's making bacon kind of picture. You are rot, you are evol. No you are dark, vial, like a rutting pig with tusk getting off. I would turn over into a ball and cry inside. Feeling violated. Horrified! Nauseous! Drained like you had taken something from me. You were draining my energy. Draining my essence. Weakening my core. Killing off my tree of life.

That visual in that pit, their were two of us down there right brother? We were both bound and tied. Adam and Eve stuck in purgatory with the Beast. Black Magic brother? Yeah, brother their is no purgatory in heaven. I'd have to say that after all this, purgatory is here inside us and we carry it back many dimensions inside us. Through our life times and our dreams. Our demons we carry inside us. That is why "the demons in the white rocks that lie. The demon's and lie's in the pills. In our healthcare. Our religions and in our bodies. What no one knows brother is that because we are born from this planet of this planet, we are all hurting and being poisoned as a result of this E.T. just like this planet. We are all connected through the heavens and mother earth. We are all a part of this rock and that family.

Yeah you piece of shit. I admit this one is a hard hit to take. That you have literally been inside this mother and my mother before me. " Hey you all, I don't know what to tell you, I guess it's true what they say brother, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." You kept trying to turn me back then. Every time I'd try to shut down before bed. You'd come in change the channel. Always group sex. Funny it was those nights that I'd turn over and actually fall asleep. No you tried. You did not turn me. For a long time I'd get a flash of this in my head and I never wanted to be touched again. Greg was addicted to porn or you told him this shit is for real? That this is love? To a Sociopath that can't feel empathy. No empathy, no compassion, no love. It's all a act. To be married to a man who for anything I went through, physical or emotional pain around my family dying, I was not allowed to show any emotion, because he couldn't. He mislabeled assertive with aggressive. He used the word respect for him when you spoke to him, but in truth you couldn't call him out for his disrespect or behavior toward you. Deflector's, what are they hiding? Neglect is the most invisible abuse of all.

The mirror that I kept asking Greg to replace back in the wall? I was pregnant with Alex, I kept telling him, it was making me sick and giving me migraines. He did not care. It was the smell of death under that backward shaped L crooked lil house that you stuck me in and pretty much walked away. In a barely functioning house, each day.

So what did you do to Adam? You know that special entitled pussy boy of a brother I married in this life and from what I can see others too. Thing's have been way off kilter for a long time right brother? I saw what my father carried in his heart, his demons of his flock his children getting slaughtered. The burden's he carried, so what did you do to the other father? The one who's ring of fire, I hold in the palm of my hand, along with that diamond. You do remember who this diamond really belongs to right brother? I knew I was being shown this again to see the Truth, but to get me to the pissed off stage once again.

The Beast

I don't know which way to go? I don't know how to handle this one? Can't speak out loud to anyone about all this. I try not to future trip and I noticed last night after I actually ate a meal. That shaky feeling was back. That darkness that fatigue pulling me down. This was the feeling I started getting when Greg had that fatal attraction show up at the office for four months behind my back. I thought I was low on fuel. Even when I ate I couldn't shake this feeling. I gained up to a 112lb, for the first time in my life. You know what people said to me after I lost my weight back down? All the ones who told me, "I was to skinny that I needed to gain weight?" Including my X said, "you were getting chunky." Always nitpicked all my life. Always judged for the slightest thing. Funny the ones saying it to me were the ones stabbing me in the back and lying to my face. No one ever thought about how this affected me did they?"

Here on this planet, the psychological label is anxiety. For me like before it means the darkness is getting nearer. I recorded a video, well many of me going back with my emotions in this family tree. It was then in that video that I discovered for the first time that it was thirty years ago when my brother died. I was nine years old. Looking back something major happens every nine years for me. Eighteen years old my first Christmas alone. I loved Christmas, It's my favorite holiday. I loved recreating the Christmases I had with my family as a child. It's gone up in smoke for me inside. I'm not celebrating again this year. No children, no family for me. I found out Alex is going back to the UK to see her Alex. I can't do this again. Do another walk through peacefully on the outside while I hurt so bad on the inside
At twenty seven, Friday the 13th, I delivered Alex. Nineteen hours of labor while Greg slept on the couch. Don't most fathers look forward to this moment? I mean Greg went to lamas classes with me. He is a naturopath after all and he didn't participate. I did it on my own. I didn't realize until lately that their is something very wrong with that. She was born at 3:16 p.m. and thirteen extra people walked into my room to watch her be born. Including my friend Mary M. her husband's name was Jack. Beautiful baby blue's in that father too. I loved these people. They moved to Goldbar and life caught up and we lost touch.

Thirteen pearls on that dollar bill with that one big Eye on top. Please God, this is my lil rock. One half of my heart. How do I convince her father I am telling the truth? How is my X ever going to know or feel what love is with Cane sitting on his head?  How do I show Greg the light that no matter who he is, this is our baby girl? I can't do another one of my children's voyage's while they pacify me from upstairs. Keep me busy and walk me through. Not this time. While I watch history repeat itself in another marriage.

I realized yesterday that in my dreams I was time traveling. I realized too that I was always very calm except one. I got the impression I had been to this place a few times to check it out and I needed to go back to these woods in the dark. I had asked a man to drive me there and wait out by the road. I have no idea what he looked like. We drove past a turn off to the right, like a Y. We went straight and up above on the right was a house sitting alone in the woods. I get the feeling I was in this house talking to the people and that is why I wanted to come back?

My driver parked the car in the center of the gravel road. I got out and walked into the woods alone to the left. I came up to a hole in the ground like a large crater. Similar to the ones behind TA in the gold field, however this one was in the forest. When I looked down their were people in it doing something. It wasn't good. A old woman with fly away white hair just past her shoulders. A black dress and shoes from another time. A older man bald with hair around the back and sides. He had on a dirty white shirt, trousers, suspenders and boots from another time.

Their was another man tied to a tree trunk. A lil taller than he, stuck in the ground. Their was something else going on that I don't remember. It was not good and some scary shit that no one in their right mind ever wants to see. It was the shack. A tiny one room shack that I kept seeing men and this old woman walk in and out of. How this shack held all those people I will never know? This was the reason I came back. I wanted to see what was in the shack? I snuck around, their were big knot holes and cracks in the wood it was so old. It was lit by candlelight or a lantern. Their was something or somebody on the bed. I just remember it wasn't human. Not Alien just not a man and not human. Whoever this family was? I got the impression family somehow. This was a dark family and they were serving it. They were somehow keeping it alive. It had something to do with what was going on in that hole.

I don't remember if I was seen or what but I ran. I was terrified. I ran and ran back out to the main road and when I got to the driver  he wasn't in it but he was close by. I started screaming, to take off. To get out of here right now. I remember we backed out as fast as we could in the dark to that house at the Y. I don't remember anymore. I begged God not to take me back. The first time I got taken back through these nightmares and being hit with the key point's. To feel them emotionally and relive them. No these are not places I want to go back to. This time God was standing right beside me.

The next day when I'd see it in my mind again. It was still to fresh and I kept pulling my head to the left with my eyes closed. My whole upper body pulling away from the scene. It finally dawned on me I was time traveling it was in that barn of my fathers that I came out into a bright room. Like a hay barn with the doors open or a hangar of some sort. I heard voices as I was creeping around. Just like brother red said to me that day in the woods. "Colleen, you have to stop creeping around in these woods." Asshole, he scared the shit out of me. Pissed me off because I figured out he was the one who called me there in the first place. I stood in the woods looking around wondering why I was there myself? Apparently I did some creeping around in those dreams all those years looking for answers.

Their were a couple of guys up there. I stepped out into the open. I felt safe. We had a conversation, it was here that I think I came up with a plan to get the sheep out. I realized then that all those really old houses in the woods and the clothes they were wearing were not from this time or was any of the stuff around me. So yeah, I hope you can understand that after all these discoveries especially these last couple of weeks if I have a panic attack. I mean holy shit! What is the opposite of light? Darkness! I saw death. Right here on this planet from this dimension, I saw death. Nothing I ever want to see again. To look at the beast in the eye and to discover that Cane was living in my house the whole time.

I now know why while pregnant with Kiley, I saw another Chiropractor? They didn't want Greg touching me. Not with this child. He depleted me. He depleted my energy. He poisoned my tree of life. It was a Michael Golden that Greg had pawned me off on yet again. He is the one who said, 'Colleen I think you have scoliosis." I asked Greg to check me out? He of course said, "no." Just because I got addicted to pain pills for four months of my marriage, does that mean that I have no right to be treated for my pain all these years? No one ever questioned if I was really in pain? Not worthy of food, not worthy of love, and not worthy to be healed from my pain?

Let alone acknowledged, told "I was lying and that it's nothing. It's all in your head. Your just making it up. Look it says right here on this chart it's mild. This is the diagnosis. It says right here in this computer. That says one size fits all. Here take this suppressor for your nerve endings. This suppressor for your brain, because its all in your head remember? Oh here is another anti inflammatory, and lets up that calcium channel blocker. What you can only get nine of these pills for cardiovascular, so the rest is just nerves. No we are blind, here is another pill for that side effect's, here is something else for you to tolerate. To convince the public who pay for this healthcare, we are doing all we can do. It's her fault for getting addicted in the first place. Now she shall suffer the consequences, be judged heavily, no longer adored, but abhorred for being a human. A invisible human with a number on my head. No value in society. A great big zero. She must be a whore being homeless trying to feed herself. Must of done a few lube job's and blow jobs to feed herself?"

Poison the fruit, poison the apple of Eves eye. Poison her love with your lies. Poison the wheat, poison the flour isn't that right Cane? Poison the water, poison the well, with all these tax dollars. Your love is poison, you twist and turn my words into lies. Sitting in that backwards L shaped house with my children, you piece of shit lil man whore. You poison my sugar, my sweet essence. Hell Cane, you even poison the sugar Cane. It's not about that Gold Chalice this time brother.

It's about the mother this time. This honey pot that sits at the end of every rainbow. This milky way that I carry inside me through the stars up above. It's about this mother you lil cocksucker, always cock blocking me, while I take it from behind.  I'm shutting the gates to hell forever and I'm throwing away the key this time. I don't give a flying flock what it takes this time. You my brother are going back on the chain gang. Yeah, ICU. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust brother.

Chained in Purgatory

The dream with my father on the sheep farm. I may have been following my father, but it wasn't until last night that I saw who it was wielding that butcher knife. When I remembered my father, the house, the sheep, I started pleading and screaming no. I didn't want to go further and see more, I remembered the cages and who was in the cages just the significance nearly killed me from inside.

Only because I got a flash of another dream. What I saw and what I did. This is when I started screaming why God? Why would I do that God? Why would you show me this? No I don't want to remember God. I could not believe that I had forgotten about all these horrible dreams and what I witnessed? To have them come back all at once and sit in a place, to pretend to be normal. To pretend to have a good time. I could not participate. I knew this night was going to be a rough ride. No way could I write this pain. To many different dimensions, time zones. To much to carry and for the first time I realized I was in coping mode. I was trying to be in acceptance. I was trying to remember I got through it. I was trying to remember the timing of being shown this.

Like the other times on this journey when I already walked through the darkness, and I didn't understand until much later. Each place I went and observed, participated, accepted the weirdness and letting the rest go. I tried to remember what God showed me and who I truly am in the last few days. I was and am still trying to come to terms with this part. Some part's was like "Thank God." Some was like OMG! Yet other part's were like "OOOHHHH Gooood!" So many different perspectives, from so many points of view. I still haven't walked through this part and accepted. I mean yes, it's God and well it's a heavy load God carries. Because it's about God and his family, I have Faith that all will work out. I just need to hammer a few thing's out. Deal and maybe stop trying to barter Kyle. I realized, "I was actually asking if after we die, can you keep him? Let me go back to be with my children and just be with you? You know toss him back in daddy? Let's skip this one. I don't want this fish daddy."

I love irony. Irony in humor. Irony in life. Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing a grown man scream like a girl. Their is good sides to irony and bad sides to irony. Some irony is light and some irony is dark. Well some irony is funny and some isn't funny at all. So yeah, I'm stalling trying to hold onto the light of what I know today and the dark of what I saw yesterday. Irony is "I was told to let the dreams go." I never know how to let something go until I've processed it in my mind. Then I just write and let my fingers do the walking with whatever music flows from Pandora, so not to get stuck. That is also why some of the grammar errors and misspelling and punctuation . That and I have no idea how I graduated. Apparently I learned just what I needed to know to get me to the next step.

I have no idea how big the planet is. I have no clue the Government's or what they are called. I have not a clue what religion is what. What culture is behind most names. By me not knowing it leaves me open to acceptance to the people and lives around me and not have any judgement or any race card to pull. That race card creates separation. I don't like it and it is a good excuse for bad behaviors. No one in any culture wants to represent the bad side of the bad behavior all created on lies to feed a system your loyalty, your fear, your dollar. You feed this entity your fruits of labor, the lion of your loins grow silent. They poison your heart, body, mind and soul. The guilt and dependence on the system they created behind your back to make you suffer and feel boxed in. Held down in fear. Dependent on them, instead of your one true father. Who stands behind you. That one huge shadow that weald's the big fist in the sky.

I had forgotten what I saw in my mind when this started, me as a tiny ant holding up the planet. The reason they are doing good is because I am out here. So I heard. When I got a flash of this place, this dimension I got a flash of what I did. I wanted this place along with all the other dimensions I walked through to burn. I want it gone. I want off the chain gang.

It was dark outside. It was a open space that had old industrial machines out of commission. Some being used as a office. The old machinery circled around this one space. I had walked through it a few times and observed. Their were cages and in front of all these cages was this one cage and it had a man suspended in it. He was hanging by chains with hooks in his flesh keeping him suspended face down. Each night I slept I kept going back. I was trying to figure a way to get that man out of the cage. It wasn't going to be easy, someone always watching in the dark.

Oh yeah so much more in the cages behind that I don't remember. Last night they were showing me this one man suspended and what I did that I didn't know. It was something sexual, but not. I learned last night that in my dreams in some of these strange old warehouses I walked through and hid in, when someone got close or I wanted to cover someone else's scent, so they could get away. They would release a small light orgasm to dispel some how. I stepped into the cage and I released a orgasm. Some how I unhooked him and got him down.

The part I didn't see before was that somehow when I released him. I replaced him. It was an exchange. Time to do my time. I have no idea the face of the man I took down. I get the impression it was a brother. I have no idea how long I hung there. I don't want to know when I did the exchange or for how long.

It was bad enough watching JC carry the cross and have rocks thrown at him. Seeing him spit on, the ring of thorn's, the blood, the bird's. That this was actually a human being hanging there with a woman at his feet. Realizing that this man is real. That it did happen. How heavy that cross was and learning why on this journey I was feeling and seeing it? My twisted spine, that cross and the pulling of my heart strings, last night hitting me all at once was an overload. Today I try to remember that I went through it already. I try to remember that my family would not be putting me through all this for nothing. Do you really think God would send his own son back and not experience love and loss in a big way? You can't help anyone else until you have walked through it. I ain't going back. Their is no going back.

By hiding the Truth all these centuries it seems somehow as each generation that keeps coming back carrying the load for this planet, for that family, for this universe that it is part of the heavenly plan. somehow the load that family carries for us is heavy and dark. Hiding the truth is blocking us from seeing the light. It's blocking us from healing. I'm getting the impression JC wasn't the only one hanging on the cross throughout time. No I have been sent to many other dimensions, some even more horrifying than this by a long shot. To see the darkness behind the scenes, as time has passed, to see how the darkness grows, cause and effect on mother nature, in this universe, and both parents. It was never one, always two. To see the pain my father suffers inside as his children, his flock are sitting in purgatory, suffering and being slaughtered all for this rock, this kingdom he built for his wife to feed his children love forevermore.

I said toGreg the day I stepped into his office. "please Greg. go take your daughter by the hand and tell her her mother has this fight? No amount of money for food is worth this." I told him that "by me working there I am seeing the bigger picture's with these semi's and drug dealers." I also said, "Greg you put me out here in this. You put me in this purgatory." Now I understand why I said this.

How deceptive of you to sit on my rock disguised as a pretty boy. Working in the naturopathic field. All those people you touch. All those people you place your hands on. To make you a sociopath to boot. Put in charge of my children's mental and physical health. Put in charge to feed my children. Their is more than one way to feed your children Cane. Come on we both know that don't we brother? Oh the lies and deceptions. My house Cane, my children Cane, my rock Cane.

Who put me on the chain Cane? What brother am I doing this for? What Father Cane? What Mother Cane? Who's children Cane? My children Cane. Only I feed my children Love and Light. You are a coward hiding behind the scenes. You are a coward to hide inside my children's father. My fury, my rage and all the energy you sucked from my body while pregnant. Oh yes, cane I remember when I was two month's pregnant with Kiley? It wasn't food poisoning was it Cane? It was you trying to make me abort my daughter. Even at two months in the womb Cane, that child held on. This child is strong and she belongs to me.

My Father's Burden's

Like I said earlier, we never know the burden's one carries inside them. It is true the scars someone carries inside them, the invisible ones, no one see's. At times not even ourselves. My fathers demons and the scars he carried in his heart, ran deep. So scarred up, it is nothing but a tough piece of hard flesh. This dream is the hardest, well one of them. If only in my dreams? No God, I don't want to go back. I don't want to know. Just the symbolism is horrifying.

To my family and my friends from Hazen Highlanders and Renton Indian's. The gold, the blue, the red and white.  I am truly sorry down deep inside for any pain and suffering you or your loved ones have experienced this time.  Why we are all here today? Why we walked this journey one last time together? To all my brothers and sisters from so far back you don't even know. Please try to remember where we live? Please try to remember just who we are inside and why all the pain inside we carry? We are here for our children. Something about the ages and the last five generations. We are warriors and we are here for one last fight to clean this God Forsaken house. By God this is my rock, this is my heart, this is my family and if I'm God's God Damned daughter then so be it.

God's big plan, and who you are inside. This dream was the hardest one. Please find that rock and light inside you. I know it's hard to believe just who's family we truly belong to. We are the indigo children, we are the lion's, we are the native's, we are the wild ones. Together we are all brothers and sisters and I'm so sorry to tell you up in heaven we are all brothers and sisters through blood and essence. Our names and numbers keep over linking and crossing paths again and again to be here today. We fallen Angel's are related to that one fallen angel. It seems I married Cane. For this dream I am so sorry. It is our family. It is our numbers. It is my children, Your flock is my flock and its time for a heads up. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. The one face I did not see in this slaughter was Greg's. My children's father. Greg's/Cane's job was to take out the mother, burn me out and kill me off so I can't feed my children.

On this journey, I saw my father after he died in my dreams only. I thought it odd that he was the one who showed up just before Jim moved in with me or just after. I was on the back porch and we were sitting on a bench. My father told me "he's not a good man." My answer was "I know dad. All he needs is love."

He disappeared I didn't see my father for about ten years until sitting in Earthwork's Park. He stood next to my brother in a white shirt. My brother in a loin cloth. Brother Todd had dark shoulder length hair, swinging a rock on a rope in his right hand.  It was here I sat and wrote "I am here for these two ring's, but later I discovered their are three."  I had just taken off after the third set of sevens walked through the door.  I said "dad, I can feel you. I do not see you. Where are you in all this?" Then the conversation with me saying "no dad, I don't trust that German man and Japanese woman to bring my children home." 

I started to wonder after my brother grew bigger and the answers came to just who my brother truly is. The sex and orgasm's were weird. The intensity. I didn't know what to call my own father? I could not and would not look to my own father, for who was doing that to me. So I asked one day, what do I call my father? Who does he represent? I was walking down the hill by a white cross that said, Dale Shepard and he lived and died on his 32nd birthday, sometime in July. I was standing in front of a church and the answer hit me, "JC."  I started wailing and screaming with my right hand in the air. My head thrown back. I didn't care who saw me. Never alone out here anyways. No place to have a moment. My father was a good man and I loved him very much. It turns out my fathers burdens were heavy. Until I got taken back to these dreams last night and what they meant. All those dreams I didn't remember having. I never truly understood just how heavy my fathers burdens were and just how he represents JC.  The pain and suffering of JC's sacrifice and what he went through inside his own purgatory. I never knew their was even an answer to that question.

My father had a younger brother named Richard. My brother/father couldn't say the word pig. He was only two. It came out Pij. So that became my Uncles name, Pij. He married a woman named Penny and they moved to California and had two daughters. They both became school teachers. Their daughters were Sandy and Sherry. I believe Sherry had the migraines.

I went back in my dreams to stay with my father. He was living alone in his parents house. It was in Othello Washington. 1151 Juniper Street. The house was a lil different this time. I did not see my father hardly. We barely spoke. Most of the time he was in my grandmothers old room locked away. This was the room that I saw primary colored women floating around in in my dreams. They were my families, Irish Fairies.

 I was following my father one day.

In the backyard their was a train track that wasn't there before. It was dark inside. Allot of shadows. An old black steam engine train. I snuck and followed my father onto the train. It was abandoned. It took us to a old barn huge barn. I followed my father inside. Their was movement and I remember hiding somewhere in the barn and watching something. The second time I snuck out and did the ride alone, actually I wasn't alone I was being followed by someone I could not see. So I rode out in plain site on this train. I kept going back day and night on my own. Usually followed by no one I could see. Another place to hide out in and watch and see. It was what I saw that was so horrifying. Just the representation of what I saw in this dream.

In the backyard where their used to be crabapple tree's and a garden, my father and his brother had a farm. They were the two in charge. It was my father wielding the butcher knife. I had to be part of the team to see what was inside. I pretended to go along. Like I was their to work. So I could see in every room. In every cage. It was people. In cages disguised as sheep. It was a slaughter house for sheep. In these faces, cages and bodies were my classmates that I crossed paths with. From Renton Indian's to the Hazen Highlanders. Their are two other schools in King County. Lindbergh and Liberty.

I stayed with my father for two weeks. I kept going back each night. Not even aware I was having the dream. I kept going back to dig around. The town was pretty desolate. Like so many houses in so many other dreams I went poking around in. I remember sneaking the sheep out, and making deals with the workers to turn their backs.

This took place toward the back of the house  It was off my grandpa Jack's bedroom back then. He was an alcoholic too. Sweet. sweet, peaceful man. He had a fruit and vegetable stand sometime in the past. I heard it was because of him that my fathers family had a comfortable life. Every one I knew back then always told me what nice people they were. Truly they were. They loaned money to people who were struggling and it was amazing they always paid it back. They were burdened but not unkind. They kept a nice neat house on the outside. My father wouldn't leave that house. I remember the last few times I saw him. It was like he was transforming each time.

Once a neat clean man. James Dean type in good looks, except that lil ball on our noses. He grew his hair long along with his beard to cover the scabs and scars from Wolfe Disease. He looked like he had a rough ride each time I saw him. He looked like Rip Van Winkle for awhile. Like he was chained inside a cave a dungeon long ago and forgotten about. No matter what, my father went from being a quarter back of his school, a carpenter and a gifted man. Over six feet tall with that wiry wrangley look. To a decimated shell of a man. He had long thigh bones and I described my father as the walking dead. Except that half smile with a chuckle and sparkle in his blue eyes.

He died hating me, his daughter for taking his freedom away. I know one thing, I gave him a house to fall into. Thank God he could not know alive then what I know today. I took my father out of that house. Their was no freedom in that house. It was hell's slaughter. My family was keeping those gates closed for another generation. At my Fathers funeral attended by his brother Richard, Cane my X, my sister and my niece, I sang Amazing Grace. I kept my singing voice hidden. I didn't like to sing out loud in front of anyone, but for my fathers so called miserable life, knowing what I know today, releasing my father from those chains of hell.  Just in that one song. From Father to daughter I now know what that song means, along with the rest of those dreams.

Found my father a place in Graham, Washington. He died in a convalescent home alone, or so I thought. When the nurse called me she did not tell me or my sister he was dying. Just giving us a check-up, but not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, she told half of the truth and left us to carry the load and blame for not being there when he died. My father was a King. He was a hidden King his burden's he carried inside so I could not see, yet somehow I got handed the burdens.

In these dreams during these drinking dark times. Shari was usually there. My brothers daughter who was in my wedding in Hawaii. The one who when we stood together, I could see in our T-zones just how much alike we really look. Different shapes, but everything else the same.  My father's name is Jack. He is the other Big J in this family of Johns.

Purgatory, If Only In My Dreams

OMFG! The answers were in all those dreams in all those layers. All those dimensions of hell. Purgatory I had to walk through. OMFG! I said in the beginning somewhere that no one truly knows the burden's one carries inside their hearts. I know why I drank all those years. I know why I was put to sleep. OMFG! The dark layers of illusions and answers in this family tree are horrifying and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I have been given answers in different stages, during different times in this life as well as many others. Fuck yeah, induced coma for this time for this shit. I am thankful my children were no where near me during this time. Just the energy alone between the three of us. That bond to strong. No fucking way would I want my children in the same location as me during this time.

By day I had no idea. The pain and the fatigue a trigger to drink, a trigger to go back to where I don't wanna go. I was screaming inside, Noooo God! Why? No I don't want to know. I don't wanna go back here for answers I don't want to remember. All those weird dreams all my life that I had to keep going back to over and over. Week's at a time, month's and even year's of the same dreams going back around getting deeper and deeper more horrifying with each house, each dimension, each family tree. So fuck yeah I understand why people don't want to read this. The triggers, the emotion's the fear's. The pain in my face, and around my left eye. Lighter this time like before, and the migraine trigger. The pull of that migraine trying to shut me down once again. Pain between my shoulder blades.

Threatening me. The pain in my lower back. That sixth chakra where I notice as we get older we loose curvature of the spine. It's affecting mankind with fertility on both sides. Male and female. It doesn't matter what the reason is for the pain, remember their is always a spiritual cause and reaction in the body. The pain in my lower back, where my grandmother Red Rock Lily Rose had cancer in the spine, right their at that chakra where I carry my pain in my spine. The sixth chakra. My families tree of life I carry through me. We all have a tree of life, weaken the core, weaken our tree of life. That family tree of pain that we carry inside us for that family upstairs. I hated my family once again last night for taking me back. Knowing I had to go back. Screaming NOOOOO!!!! What am I going to do with this?

I can't release this. I can't release this pain to the world. To anyone, it hurt's to bad it's to heavy. I wouldn't let Michael sleep with me or touch me anymore. I wanted My Michael as far away from this as possible. I would not give Michael this pain. I would not tell him. Michael is my vessel and I couldn't do it to him. It was to heavy of a load, I chose to carry it and walk through it alone. I was horrified and guilt ridden that I lived with Michael during these dream's. Not all of the nightmare's but the darkest most horrifying dreams that as much as I knew I had to walk through it once again. Zapping into each dream and dimension the horrifying part's of my discoveries. What I saw, and what I did during the dreams. It was like I walked through these dream's like I do in this life. Watching participating, not taking action. Doing thing's here and their secretly in my dreams through each discovery. Standing out in the open but always hiding, running, or stopping things from happening to someone else. Trying not to be noticed and the only thing I can say I was doing is dispelling. After I figured out what I was seeing more and more with each dream I had to keep going back to stop it and not be discovered. Twelve years of my life I was put to sleep to walk through hell.

After about ten year's of marriage, when Greg told me his retirement plan. "HMPHH! Actually, no Colleen I never even thought of you during my retirement." Like I wasn't already gone from Greg's mind. That is when I read Greg's journal that I gave him like eleven year's before when a friend of ours lost his leg during a boating accident. When I saw I wasn't included in any of it. My name not even mentioned or our children's. I curled up in a ball on the floor, I rocked and I cried. That is what it was like for me being married to Greg. Invisible unless he needed something. Another demand where I have to once again drop my own needs and go pick up Greg's ball. It was like once Greg graduated and went to work, that was it. Greg's expectation was to go in the office and work as a Chiropractor during work hours only. The rest was up to me.

Greg's created his work days to be Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. With a two hour lunch. Saturday 9a.m. to 12 p.m.  I was right beside Greg through all of it. He was the Chiropractor and well the other nine hats were mine.  Then their is the rest which was also all mine. Their is something called supply and demand. Part of supply and demand is the work hours you create. The time available in which to do so and with the rest you create balance in other walks in your life. Family time, work time, spiritual time. Whatever takes you away from life for a lil while. Whatever it takes to release and let it all go. Zone out relax in your head for some maybe planting a garden. Others climbing a mountain top.

For Greg it was work and he was done with the rest. It was like pulling teeth with Greg. Everything a debate and a barter for the most basic necessities in life and part of the most basic necessities is what we do with our body and what we put into it. Our food, our diet and our healthcare system. Just this alone is a illusion, a scam. A scam to poison the food, poison the people, draw out the pain and suffering, while man kind takes the blame for sin. A high cost on taxes and cost of living. A heavy burden in this system. A heavy burden on our system.

When you take away something good, that gives them fire and drive to move forward for your own selfish needs. You burn out someone else's fire. Someone else's zest for life. I always wondered why God, just let me go off? Not budge, not judge, just wait patiently for me to accept in order to get to the next step. Watch me spiral, and go off, piss me off at all the pain and injustice. God doesn't want me to burn out my fire. He likes my fire. God is here to light my fire and give me back my power. If he had not already shown me this I would of never got through last night. As I was screaming inside no God. No God, why would I do that? Why would I take that on? I kept hearing, because you can. Your strong enough and you can. You can carry the load.

Greg always accused me of getting scammed on any repair job on the car or house, but Greg never went or participated in any of it, in order to know and see for himself. In truth I could show Greg the truth and facts. He would still look at it and tell me I am lying or wrong, I'm making it up. The bulges on my tires while pregnant with Alex. Greg could see them and he told me it was fine, I don't need new tires, I'm making it up that it's not dangerous to drive with bulges on the outside of my tires. He would just accuse me for example getting the brakes replaced on my car after like two to three years. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look at those pad's and brakes and not see very clearly they were fucked up. So each time I had to take care of something, anything, I was accused every time for wasting money and the Truth is Greg was like his mother, they had no reality how much daily living, maintenance on the basic's really cost. The time in the work, the investigation, being Greg's gopher girl.

This is what happens to a human being when a parent does all the work to provide for their children. They get lazy entitled and they have no reality, concept or drive to work for anything. Never had to. Greg watched his mother never stop moving, however what Greg didn't see or care to acknowledge is that his father worked right along beside Elaine. They were a team and they carried the load together. Greg would just dance around anything that had to be done as long as he could in order to do very little to none. While he stood there pointing his fingers, deciding whether I'm worthy. The longer the debate and discussion the less Greg did or paid to provide. He would remove himself from any responsibility when he needed to pick up the ball. After Greg and Mary stole my business and life, I was told it was my job since I'm not working and providing financially for this family anymore that it was now my responsisblity to get up seven days a week with the children. You see even though nothing interfered with Greg's life, no matter what was going on around us, he just moved forward with his party life and image.

That was always more important. Greg's free time everyday was play day for Greg. Even though Greg was off doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, we would rotate every now and then for me to get to sleep in. Take note Greg was always off in lala land but my lala time was very limited and controlled. Always gotta provide for that magic money tree he saw inside me. Greg made sure each day, I paid triple time for every minute. How do I feel about my babies living with Cane their father during this time? Let's just say I want to kick in the door and bring my children home to me close by me, where I can clearly see deception, darkness and lies. It took me about four or five months before they actually showed me what was inside Michael when he grabbed me by the throat and said he wanted to, "tear my children's head off and mail them to me in a box." The first time I wrote out, "those were not Michaels eyes, that is not Michael's mouth and those are not Michael's teeth." that I realized what I was seeing inside him.

It was already done and over with, and they walked me through it without allowing me to see the truth of what was inside Michael. Just like they only show me one piece at a time what is going to happen when God's fist hit's the earth. They just allowed me to see a lil here and there until I figured out step by step and gain acceptance step by step of the end and New beginning. A clean slate, a fresh start for every family. Answers, getting answers no matter how horrifying is healing and a spiritual purge. The only thing I held onto last night was who I am today. Even though I was alone I knew inside I wasn't alone and that I already walked through it. I have gotten stronger in order to handle it inside and out. I had already been through these dreams over and over I just needed to force myself to cope with the truth behind what I saw and why?

Sometime about nine years into my marriage I kept dreaming over and over my teeth were shattering and falling out. It didn't matter what dream my teeth kept shattering. Then the dreams over and over and no one seeing me fall, or helping me up. No matter how hard I tried to get up, I couldn't I kept getting pulled back down. No one saw or noticed. I was invisible, just like in my marriage. If someone saw something good about me, Greg made sure to dispel that. Anything I made or did, Greg would be right there to say "oh that was nothing." How would he know, he wasn't around. When he was he locked in a room and relaxing.

Any joke, I'd get the look. My father used to take me to the petrified forest and well every alternative healthcare provider I went to always mentioned my back muscles and how the were equivalent to a solid piece of wood, or rock. Every time he said anything to me only a few words to criticize me, I could see a finger nail flaking the bark off the side of a tree.

I started with the dreams again, not seeing what's in the dark, screeching, inhaling, not being able to breath, waving my arms and backing away. I could never see or remember what I saw. One night I woke up terrified. My heart racing. I could feel the imprints on my upper arms like I was being grabbed and I turned looked to my left and Greg had his back to me already back to sleep. That was when it started to dawn on me what kind of husband pins their wife down in her sleep and within a minute turns his back and is back to sleep? What kind of husband doesn't hold your wife after something like that and make sure she's okay?

Then again Greg never touched me unless it was for sex. He did not hold me after my miscarriage or acknowledge it or me in any way. I laid in bed and rocked and cried myself to sleep. I can honestly say looking back, Greg did not meet me in any way emotionally. Greg had no emotion, except to laugh, smile, be the center of attention, fun, fun, fun. I in turn was not allowed to have the slightest emotion about anything. Any flick of my eye or flex of my voice, I was out of control. Rude just like my mother. I never lost it. Not one time and the two times I shut two doors between the front of the house, and the back of the house as far away from my children as possible, to let Greg have it, Alex got up both times and walked in on us before I could even speak. The second time I kicked a empty laundry basket after Alex rounded the corner, and Greg said, "their you go, your so out of control. Just like your mother."

I was nothing like my mother. I loved her and I understood something more from her past affected her, by seeing the bad stuff. Cause and reaction, feeling the emotions of the victims my mother took down, out of spite, envy and revenge, no flocking way did I carry that shit inside my heart. I had compassion, but their comes a time you have to walk away for survival. Every time I walked away from my mother or Greg they both made sure I paid. To set a boundary or stand up for me or my children. I paid these two were not happy unless I was suffering for walking away. Greg can smile and shed a tear, looking back I saw Greg shed very few tears and when I did maybe one or two. Now I know it was all an act, the illusion of love and a lie. I married the biggest lie of all. I learned their is more than one way to cheat on your wife. More than one way to stab your wife in the back. You marry someone for anything more than love, it is not real. That is not pure clean healthy love. Love is pure, love is light. Love is God. God's job has always been to protect Gaya. Two light's, two energies, two heart's that are truly one forever and always. It's all about one family. Not just one man, because behind every good man is a good woman. Behind that one man and one woman is a family full of love and light.

Eve Reincarnated

So many emotions flow through me from all different directions. Having God as your personal councilor, giving me the answer to questions I never knew I had. Has been truly a emotional roller coaster ride. Letting it all go and letting God. I was walking along a few days ago and I hitched my breath, it finally dawned on me, "OMG I'm Eve. I'm the reincarnation of Eve? The most hated woman in the world." I never understood how people believe that JC reincarnated and came back but otherwise they refuse to believe it about themselves. What do you think, poof we just die and disappear forever? Not even close.

I wrote something in the last couple of day's called Eve's Reign. Yeah, Eve's pain is deep. Her anger her rage. I can't blame her. Not one God Damned bit. Over 6000 years I've been taking the hits because Adam threw God's gift of life, a untainted wife to begin anew away. Adam was eating out of another woman's garden the whole time. He felt entitled to dip his stick in another well. Yeah, you bet your sweet ass I hurt. You bet your sweet ass I'm angry. You all assumed it was Eve who ate the poison apple first. You assume it was Eve who poisoned Adam. One thing I said in the beginning to my X. "Nothing grows without love and light. Nothing grows without love and light Greg." Really people, these two were not the only two in this garden, First came Cain, then Adam, then Eve. Did Eve even know about Cain? I certainly didn't, so I will just have to bet my sweet peachy ass that she didn't either. Their is another trinity, another fight between three brothers. Cane, Abel and Seth. Fucking Uncle Sam. Thank God for my Uncle Sam's Talons.

Adam was the apple of Eve's eye, he was the beating of her heart and the air in which she breathed. She worshipped the ground her husband walked on. She trusted Adam and would of followed him anywhere. He was her best friend. Her heart. Her soul. Her light inside her heart. So she thought. He wanted what Cain offered in the other garden Adam thought it was freedom to do what he wanted. All the riches a man could want, because your God's son. Your special. You are the only entitled and worthy one. Come on Eve, she's second class. She's a virgin. She's beneath you."  Poison Eve's love of Adam and you poison Eve's heart. Adam neglected Eve, he rejected her and he treated her like trash and let others do the same, all to hide his dirty secret. To think God gave Adam Eve's apple and he poisoned it. Poisoned her garden's, poisoned her love, poisoned her garden and turned it into evol with his lie's.

Greg blamed Adam in this lifetime and now I know why? Even with Cain sitting on my X's head it seems he's still a tattletale. Even in the lies their is truth. I didn't understand why I was being taken back through my marriage? I do now, so many things I didn't put together. Some I did but it was the system that protected Greg. This set up alone as I get taken back through the years, to discover I married a sociopath who had a agenda the whole time. I wanted a family, a father to love me and our children. I wanted a simple life, I wanted a family with old fashioned values. I wanted the love and Trust of a good man. Instead I got the shaft, the blame, to carry the load. Truth is no one ever asked or even bothered to see how I was doing. I was abandoned and alone. Now I have come back to clean up Adam's and Cain;s mess. You bet I'm pissed off.

To discover I got flocked over by both brothers in one garden. Now I really don't know what God want's me to do with this? How do I forgive Adam and move forward? Today I can't.  I'm angry that you thought my mother Mary wasn't even acknowledged in some sects. You just cut her out. You made my father JC a virgin and I assure you, ain't no brother/father of mine a virgin. Certainly not in this family tree of life. We pro-create, we create life and love for our children. You have family and traditions you have God. It really is that easy. Anything done out of pure love of the heart is a good thing. To have a agenda is not love. To take something or to want something from someone and you will go to any lengths to get it, like lie, cheat and steal, is not love. What is Love, is to give your children, a rock to stand on, with food and medicine for everlasting life. To feed the heart body and soul everlasting love and light. Without the bondage of this system and only part of the truth in religion. I want to break those chains that bind me.

Truth is love. Is it love to kill off God's Son/Sun that he sent you to die for your sin's? My fathers own people had him killed, beaten and jailed to keep the power and control of his mother's resources. Couldn't let it go could you? The control of man kind through religion and taxes on mother natures resources, that doesn't belong to anyone but me and my family. Thank God he doesn't let any of you decide who get's through heavens gates. Thank God he really is there and see the bigger picture. It's that easy, to thank God sometimes. To have the grace to give a simple thank you and respect life and family, you've got that family inside you. That family comes from the heart. That family is Faiths heart. In this family Faith hurts sometimes, but Faith's Love for her family, her God, Faith's Love for my one true Father, Faith does not sway.

Now God I want to know is that man you are trying to set me up with, is he Adam? Is this why I'm so angry at him? You have shown me so many faces alone in just one face. The bone structure I see inside and you want forgiveness from me? Mercy me, oh my. Not today I don't think so. Still not feeling the love dad only pain and deception. I'm tired of hurting inside, feeling my families pain inside me. When I told Gaya a couple of weeks ago to download, let's just get this shit done, I thought it would be a universal process again and instead I get taken back to family.

I always said my picker was broken, and now you want me to trust you with my heart? You show me my asshole brothers all hiding secret's of their own. All to much of a pussy to stand up and speak the truth. Forgiveness from me after all this time? Trust from me after all this time? I said to Kiley before this journey started. Well before I truly knew what it was all about. I said "Kiley, sometimes our poisons are our solutions. Take the creation of a inoculation. Got mix a lil poison into that anecdote before we can get a cure." Looking back I still see a "lay with dog's get bit by fleas" kind of thing.

Poison Ivy, poisoning Ivy's body. Poisoning Gaya and mother nature aka. Mary, is poisoning our children. In our heart's mind's and bodies as well as our own. This was at the very beginning and now I have this shit bomb dropped on me. You bet I wanna get off this rock. You know the old saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well their have been a few times I have felt this way. Isn't that right daddy? Just this last week alone the discoveries just keep piling up, about who I really am? So I would have to say the discoveries have about doubled in load capacity alone. just in the last few day's. I wondered why, I was getting away with so much shit? Well the answer's just keep right on coming, don't they daddy? Yeah, it seems daddy's coming on a lil strong. The next phase of getting the poison out of Eve's garden. Get ready for a wild ride.

My Nines

Oh you bet your sweet ass I'm angry. To discover the nines and who they are and just who they represent really pisses me off. The nines my original nines from Adam and Eve in that garden are truly mine after all with a trinity backup to boot. To find out the truth in that garden and just where Adam was and why she felt so abandoned and alone? Fucking asshole! Just had to have your cake and eat it to. Lilith you son of a bitch! The tears and the rage inside me. You created the curse on Lilith and Eve with your lies and deception. What did this brother tell you? You piece of shit mother fucker. The pain inside my heart is unbearable. All those hits to my spine and heart all these years. You made my children go back and clean Anne's house when she had three daughters of her own.

You and Anne left all five girls alone after my daughter's had to clean her house. Then the next day you made my two daughters clean it again because it wasn't good enough for Anne. The five apples and five girls? The next day five apples are gone and Alex get's blamed. You poisoned me you asshole and I am Gaya this time and you poisoned me and my children and I am going to kill you where you stand. I don't give a fuck who's fathe3r you are. I am going to shut the mother fucking door and throw away that key forever. I am going to slit your throat and gauge out your eyes you mother fucker. I am going to tear your heart out and no brother I wouldn't feed your heart to my wolves or anything on this planet and earth. Ashes to ashes dust to dust brother. I'm coming for your cold dead black heart.

You stole my wedding ring that I paid for you self entitled lil bitch. Irony asshole! London blue Topaz with ten lil diamonds across the bridge. Ten years of marriage and I wasn't even in your journal not even a thought. Not our children, our honeymoon, our wedding. I had to go to your work and confront this husband and wife that you are not her knight and shining armor with your boss sitting there. You certainly weren't mine either. You as usual said nothing. All those years I told you money doesn't grow on tree's. When we are young we work hard for things. Then later in life like your parents and my parents we accumulate and retire.

The only time you'd mow the lawn was when you found out I was gonna pay the neighbor boy. You abandoned me all those years all so you can run off in the woods. Oh yeah you asshole I found it. Those journals you stole from me. The night you came home to tell me you and Mary are going out to celebrate a new contract together with my office. You remember, you not getting paid but just enough to cover our mortgage yet again because you are a spineless coward. Who had to rush with two young children, her grandmother dying down one end of the highway and her fathers life falling apart up the other direction? You nitpicked the shit out of me the whole fucking time while you just had to keep getting out of town and taking a break.

You wouldn't let KiKi walk across the street to eat after school at my house but you wouldn't let her go to the store either. While you remodeled the kitchen you gave no thought to how Kiley was going to eat and she was eating green beans out of a can, telling me its alright mommy, I like eating cold green beans out of a can. Not one article of clothing I ever bought for these girls came back to me either. You remember it was my responsibility. I bought eight bathing suits in one summer alone and still Kiley is wearing shorts and tights to parties. You wouldn't even let the girls have a picture of us together in their rooms. I never understood how your actions behind the scenes? How you spoke to me and how you spoke in front of other's?.

In these papers that I had to break into my own office one night after you and Mary went out to celebrate is nothing but the truth of a mother literally asking her husband for help for the sake of her children and when I asked you to please put Alex to bed I can't do it, you wouldn't. She was running free with no supervision and you expect me to be able to go to bed?  I kept explaining I can't until I know she is safe in bed. So I asked you what is so important on the computer that it couldn't wait? Your reply, "so I can go to bed and relax." I heard this everyday from you. Just a lil while longer, I'll stop. I'll slow down and do my part and when it came time just after I get you set up again with two businesses, you sign it all over including my personal accounts.

I had to ask for everything. It actually says in these papers, I felt the light again. Conversations with God. I even said I hadn't felt you in two years. So I started taking my life back. I set boundaries, I painted and added color to my house and I told you to hire someone that I just want to oversee the office that I had to much on my plate for the first time in my life and you bailed and sold me out. Your work horse. Yeah you mother fucker, I got Germany's, Japan's and Hawaii's anger through you.

The gold mine. The backpack over half my weight down a 1700 foot cliff. Had to carry my weight right Greg? Everywhere we went that you were supposed to be in charge of. I paid the price. The river of snakes in California and what you said to me? I had worked long hours all week and prepared and packed everything so it can all just get loaded up. It was finally dawned on me that these road trips aren't fun anymore. It had been a long week and a long day. It never occurred to anyone that I wasn't just married to Greg. I was married to basically four or five other guys at a time. Yes I loved our friends, but I was the only woman in this bunch. It never dawned on anyone that I worked to provide Greg's pretty lil life. I had to go through all these guys anytime I bought anything or did anything for myself. Who's credit got the house?

I had just popped open a water and sat down. Everyone else get's up to start unloading my car, Jeff, James and Xavier. They just get to my car and you look at me and you say, "what are you doing sitting there?  \You need to help unload the car. You need to do your part." You didn't Greg, You didn't did you? You made mountains our of mole hills. You abandoned your wife when I most needed you and you took the easy way out. You didn't know how to do any of it did you Greg? I took the blame with my sister for your Royal Crown under my car seat. I didn't even hardly touch a drink, did I Greg?

My sleep doctor was right. I was carrying the load of three mothers. When he said if you don't sleep you will die. Your dying. Why couldn't I sleep you son of a bitch? All those years of you getting up in the night turning off the heat in the house. Even in the winter, you'd tip toe out of bed, I'd watch you, wait for you to fall back to sleep and I'd turn it back on. It's all there.  I had wondered what happened to those papers. I had no clue I had them all along. What it was like to be married to Cane. Just why I had no energy. Through the pregnancies. You made sure I worked my ass off during both and you made me beg for the most basic necessities in life. You took credit where lite3rally credit was not due to you.. All those parties I threw for you.

You planted those seeds in my belly and ever since I have paid in your purgatory of lies. All those things that happened to my children. Always the nines. Kiley what a trooper and she doesn't even know why she's paying for those nines. Wake up happy as a lil flower each day. Just like her mother no matter what she took on the day before. Yeah you piece of shit my children are walking through your muck. They had to relive everything I went through with you. This depression in the guys around Alex and the depressions in the ground are from you.

Everything we do on this planet has a cause and effect in mother nature. Her animals, her garden's, her waters, minerals and mountains. We cause it with our actions and behaviors no matter what we believe. Yeah these two have created the darkness that you do not see anymore because they taught you not to see it long ago. Through these taxes, and all these guidelines and parameters in our judicial system. In our healthcare and food in which they suck the life and money out of you. Make you feel guilty, like your not worthy to even use a restroom, or worthy of food because their just isn't even for these human beings you treat as garbage. All to keep your pretty houses and your pretty life serving a system. Not on my clock.

Your dead. I'm done. I don't give a fuck what it takes. No wonder I couldn't get you to meet me alone. A few words out of me and your true colors are going to appear just in your fear of me alone. Yeah I see you. You mother fucker. All you can do is suck the energy and life out of me. Nothing else, except your physical form. I don't need a weapon, you piece of shit. All I need are the wings I wear upon my back.

One fallen angel named Vlad. Black magic all around you. Yeah I know why I felt poisoned and still I kept it together regardless of what you all think. Satan on Snq. P.D. I heard he's playing on the wrong team. He's here for his son. You are dead. Number three Cane. Oh Cane, my brother, I am going to hurt you. I am going to remove you brother. No more poisonous foundation to regrow on. Well could it be this Lucifer is the big ant, that sits in Gaya's bowels? Oh you cunt and all you lil minion E.T's who thinks this planet's essence and souls belong to you. Think again. God's flock, My rock. My diamond, not yours.

I am ready for war. Cane, guess what other sister I found long ago? That would be Mercy. Oh yeah another sister who is real pissed off?  Jezebel, the one that keeps pulling me down to keep me hidden to cover up your secrets and lies about me. That cunt, the one in which you placed the Jezebel label upon her head. For your lies of your affair. How many others were there? I mean you felt entitled because you were a man right? The son. That precious spineless coward.

Yeah that cunt of a mother you have. Acheluis  to protect her lil baby boy. I assure you ain't no legend across any land a saint. You were all just products of your society serving these two. You bet your sweet ass Jezebel is pissed. You made her remember? Cause and effect from way back then repeating itself today. Just in a different way. I want you out of my house, out of my business and yes it's time now for me to get my wish.

After all you put me through Greg, I still couldn't stab you in the back. Not in words or prayer. People offered many times to take you out. My answer was no he is the father of my children. Those hands feed my children. No matter what you did to me, I would not put it in words or actions. Well their was that wish, that one wish. That you would not be harmed, but that poof you'd just disappear.

Oh Cane, one other thing, I'm going to tell my daddy on you. Not the one upstairs, I assure you he knows but the Big Daddy down here. I'm starting to see the light on this daddy, who he is. Who he represents and why? Who caused his two mothers to die on that fatal day. Oh I am going to enjoy watching you die. Oh Cane, Lucifer, Satan and Fallen Angel, guess what? My daddy is bigger than your daddy. My daddy's wields a mighty big fist, and I can't wait. Thy Kingdom Come, My Will Be Done. On this planet and on your head. Like I used to sing to my girls. "Ding dong the wicked witch is dead" It is you and that feminine presence I get from you isn't it brother?

I'm just here to set the record straight. The Sin of Assume. You all thought you had it right, with all these degrees and technology. All this truth in these big books that you labeled, when truly you separated out all the truth long ago. When that happened it makes it all open to personal interpretation, by looking at and only learning one thing and one way. This is my storm and my family. The storm of EMUSSA is coming. I gladly take credit for this one right along with my family. My families justice is gonna hurt.

Five Star Family

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Let me introduce you to my family. My brother, my father, brother Todd. That big T of Trust. The one who stands above me. You do not see him but I assure you he is there. Not only are we related by blood but by essence in my family line. It seems my brother is the biggest baddest Angel of them all standing at heavens gates, holding my lil teddy bear tucked safely in his arm. My brothers all about the justice, and well you can say my brothers justice hurts when you flock with his lil sister.
My sister Freya (well one of them anyways) Now Freya she don't flock around when comes to protecting her lil sister. Touch Freya's flock and you bet her justice is gonna hurt. Yes, lets not forget about my mother. Yes it seems my mother is mother nature and her name is Mary. Let me introduce you to God's wife, who has stood by her husband, her man all this time. She does not serve her husband. They serve each other. When one parent drops the ball the other picks up. It may not always be even steven between these two. In any relationship with children and a family to watch over, and feed. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes it's 70/30. Either way you shake a stick at it, between these two it's always 100 percent unconditional love.
Yes it seems my father, my one true father is God. He is the Big D. He is the Big Daddy. He is the big dog in the sky. When it comes to protecting his daughter, well you can say my daddy yields a mighty big fist, right along with my mother Mary's storm I see brewing above me.
So no you may not see my family of four and with me that makes five. Yes this is my five star family that stands above me, with me, and inside me. This five star family is my light each day I walk along. Some days I hate them, some days I love them, some days I may not understand them. Some day's they make me laugh, some days they make me cry, but hey what can I say that is what a family is all about. We laugh, we love and we cry but no matter what this family IC above me is my pride, and in this family tree I never walk alone. Hey, who hasn't said I hate my father growing up? Who hasn't said you ruined my life?
No matter what they watch over me and they see the bigger picture. Peace Love Serenity I carry inside me. My family, my light, my rock, that I trust in in my heart. Love, Honor, Cherish, Respect, Trust and Honor in my family line. I take pride in my families flock.