OMFG! The answers were in all those dreams in all those layers. All those dimensions of hell. Purgatory I had to walk through. OMFG! I said in the beginning somewhere that no one truly knows the burden's one carries inside their hearts. I know why I drank all those years. I know why I was put to sleep. OMFG! The dark layers of illusions and answers in this family tree are horrifying and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I have been given answers in different stages, during different times in this life as well as many others. Fuck yeah, induced coma for this time for this shit. I am thankful my children were no where near me during this time. Just the energy alone between the three of us. That bond to strong. No fucking way would I want my children in the same location as me during this time.
By day I had no idea. The pain and the fatigue a trigger to drink, a trigger to go back to where I don't wanna go. I was screaming inside, Noooo God! Why? No I don't want to know. I don't wanna go back here for answers I don't want to remember. All those weird dreams all my life that I had to keep going back to over and over. Week's at a time, month's and even year's of the same dreams going back around getting deeper and deeper more horrifying with each house, each dimension, each family tree. So fuck yeah I understand why people don't want to read this. The triggers, the emotion's the fear's. The pain in my face, and around my left eye. Lighter this time like before, and the migraine trigger. The pull of that migraine trying to shut me down once again. Pain between my shoulder blades.
Threatening me. The pain in my lower back. That sixth chakra where I notice as we get older we loose curvature of the spine. It's affecting mankind with fertility on both sides. Male and female. It doesn't matter what the reason is for the pain, remember their is always a spiritual cause and reaction in the body. The pain in my lower back, where my grandmother Red Rock Lily Rose had cancer in the spine, right their at that chakra where I carry my pain in my spine. The sixth chakra. My families tree of life I carry through me. We all have a tree of life, weaken the core, weaken our tree of life. That family tree of pain that we carry inside us for that family upstairs. I hated my family once again last night for taking me back. Knowing I had to go back. Screaming NOOOOO!!!! What am I going to do with this?
I can't release this. I can't release this pain to the world. To anyone, it hurt's to bad it's to heavy. I wouldn't let Michael sleep with me or touch me anymore. I wanted My Michael as far away from this as possible. I would not give Michael this pain. I would not tell him. Michael is my vessel and I couldn't do it to him. It was to heavy of a load, I chose to carry it and walk through it alone. I was horrified and guilt ridden that I lived with Michael during these dream's. Not all of the nightmare's but the darkest most horrifying dreams that as much as I knew I had to walk through it once again. Zapping into each dream and dimension the horrifying part's of my discoveries. What I saw, and what I did during the dreams. It was like I walked through these dream's like I do in this life. Watching participating, not taking action. Doing thing's here and their secretly in my dreams through each discovery. Standing out in the open but always hiding, running, or stopping things from happening to someone else. Trying not to be noticed and the only thing I can say I was doing is dispelling. After I figured out what I was seeing more and more with each dream I had to keep going back to stop it and not be discovered. Twelve years of my life I was put to sleep to walk through hell.
After about ten year's of marriage, when Greg told me his retirement plan. "HMPHH! Actually, no Colleen I never even thought of you during my retirement." Like I wasn't already gone from Greg's mind. That is when I read Greg's journal that I gave him like eleven year's before when a friend of ours lost his leg during a boating accident. When I saw I wasn't included in any of it. My name not even mentioned or our children's. I curled up in a ball on the floor, I rocked and I cried. That is what it was like for me being married to Greg. Invisible unless he needed something. Another demand where I have to once again drop my own needs and go pick up Greg's ball. It was like once Greg graduated and went to work, that was it. Greg's expectation was to go in the office and work as a Chiropractor during work hours only. The rest was up to me.
Greg's created his work days to be Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. With a two hour lunch. Saturday 9a.m. to 12 p.m. I was right beside Greg through all of it. He was the Chiropractor and well the other nine hats were mine. Then their is the rest which was also all mine. Their is something called supply and demand. Part of supply and demand is the work hours you create. The time available in which to do so and with the rest you create balance in other walks in your life. Family time, work time, spiritual time. Whatever takes you away from life for a lil while. Whatever it takes to release and let it all go. Zone out relax in your head for some maybe planting a garden. Others climbing a mountain top.
For Greg it was work and he was done with the rest. It was like pulling teeth with Greg. Everything a debate and a barter for the most basic necessities in life and part of the most basic necessities is what we do with our body and what we put into it. Our food, our diet and our healthcare system. Just this alone is a illusion, a scam. A scam to poison the food, poison the people, draw out the pain and suffering, while man kind takes the blame for sin. A high cost on taxes and cost of living. A heavy burden in this system. A heavy burden on our system.
When you take away something good, that gives them fire and drive to move forward for your own selfish needs. You burn out someone else's fire. Someone else's zest for life. I always wondered why God, just let me go off? Not budge, not judge, just wait patiently for me to accept in order to get to the next step. Watch me spiral, and go off, piss me off at all the pain and injustice. God doesn't want me to burn out my fire. He likes my fire. God is here to light my fire and give me back my power. If he had not already shown me this I would of never got through last night. As I was screaming inside no God. No God, why would I do that? Why would I take that on? I kept hearing, because you can. Your strong enough and you can. You can carry the load.
Greg always accused me of getting scammed on any repair job on the car or house, but Greg never went or participated in any of it, in order to know and see for himself. In truth I could show Greg the truth and facts. He would still look at it and tell me I am lying or wrong, I'm making it up. The bulges on my tires while pregnant with Alex. Greg could see them and he told me it was fine, I don't need new tires, I'm making it up that it's not dangerous to drive with bulges on the outside of my tires. He would just accuse me for example getting the brakes replaced on my car after like two to three years. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look at those pad's and brakes and not see very clearly they were fucked up. So each time I had to take care of something, anything, I was accused every time for wasting money and the Truth is Greg was like his mother, they had no reality how much daily living, maintenance on the basic's really cost. The time in the work, the investigation, being Greg's gopher girl.
This is what happens to a human being when a parent does all the work to provide for their children. They get lazy entitled and they have no reality, concept or drive to work for anything. Never had to. Greg watched his mother never stop moving, however what Greg didn't see or care to acknowledge is that his father worked right along beside Elaine. They were a team and they carried the load together. Greg would just dance around anything that had to be done as long as he could in order to do very little to none. While he stood there pointing his fingers, deciding whether I'm worthy. The longer the debate and discussion the less Greg did or paid to provide. He would remove himself from any responsibility when he needed to pick up the ball. After Greg and Mary stole my business and life, I was told it was my job since I'm not working and providing financially for this family anymore that it was now my responsisblity to get up seven days a week with the children. You see even though nothing interfered with Greg's life, no matter what was going on around us, he just moved forward with his party life and image.
That was always more important. Greg's free time everyday was play day for Greg. Even though Greg was off doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, we would rotate every now and then for me to get to sleep in. Take note Greg was always off in lala land but my lala time was very limited and controlled. Always gotta provide for that magic money tree he saw inside me. Greg made sure each day, I paid triple time for every minute. How do I feel about my babies living with Cane their father during this time? Let's just say I want to kick in the door and bring my children home to me close by me, where I can clearly see deception, darkness and lies. It took me about four or five months before they actually showed me what was inside Michael when he grabbed me by the throat and said he wanted to, "tear my children's head off and mail them to me in a box." The first time I wrote out, "those were not Michaels eyes, that is not Michael's mouth and those are not Michael's teeth." that I realized what I was seeing inside him.
It was already done and over with, and they walked me through it without allowing me to see the truth of what was inside Michael. Just like they only show me one piece at a time what is going to happen when God's fist hit's the earth. They just allowed me to see a lil here and there until I figured out step by step and gain acceptance step by step of the end and New beginning. A clean slate, a fresh start for every family. Answers, getting answers no matter how horrifying is healing and a spiritual purge. The only thing I held onto last night was who I am today. Even though I was alone I knew inside I wasn't alone and that I already walked through it. I have gotten stronger in order to handle it inside and out. I had already been through these dreams over and over I just needed to force myself to cope with the truth behind what I saw and why?
Sometime about nine years into my marriage I kept dreaming over and over my teeth were shattering and falling out. It didn't matter what dream my teeth kept shattering. Then the dreams over and over and no one seeing me fall, or helping me up. No matter how hard I tried to get up, I couldn't I kept getting pulled back down. No one saw or noticed. I was invisible, just like in my marriage. If someone saw something good about me, Greg made sure to dispel that. Anything I made or did, Greg would be right there to say "oh that was nothing." How would he know, he wasn't around. When he was he locked in a room and relaxing.
Any joke, I'd get the look. My father used to take me to the petrified forest and well every alternative healthcare provider I went to always mentioned my back muscles and how the were equivalent to a solid piece of wood, or rock. Every time he said anything to me only a few words to criticize me, I could see a finger nail flaking the bark off the side of a tree.
I started with the dreams again, not seeing what's in the dark, screeching, inhaling, not being able to breath, waving my arms and backing away. I could never see or remember what I saw. One night I woke up terrified. My heart racing. I could feel the imprints on my upper arms like I was being grabbed and I turned looked to my left and Greg had his back to me already back to sleep. That was when it started to dawn on me what kind of husband pins their wife down in her sleep and within a minute turns his back and is back to sleep? What kind of husband doesn't hold your wife after something like that and make sure she's okay?
Then again Greg never touched me unless it was for sex. He did not hold me after my miscarriage or acknowledge it or me in any way. I laid in bed and rocked and cried myself to sleep. I can honestly say looking back, Greg did not meet me in any way emotionally. Greg had no emotion, except to laugh, smile, be the center of attention, fun, fun, fun. I in turn was not allowed to have the slightest emotion about anything. Any flick of my eye or flex of my voice, I was out of control. Rude just like my mother. I never lost it. Not one time and the two times I shut two doors between the front of the house, and the back of the house as far away from my children as possible, to let Greg have it, Alex got up both times and walked in on us before I could even speak. The second time I kicked a empty laundry basket after Alex rounded the corner, and Greg said, "their you go, your so out of control. Just like your mother."
I was nothing like my mother. I loved her and I understood something more from her past affected her, by seeing the bad stuff. Cause and reaction, feeling the emotions of the victims my mother took down, out of spite, envy and revenge, no flocking way did I carry that shit inside my heart. I had compassion, but their comes a time you have to walk away for survival. Every time I walked away from my mother or Greg they both made sure I paid. To set a boundary or stand up for me or my children. I paid these two were not happy unless I was suffering for walking away. Greg can smile and shed a tear, looking back I saw Greg shed very few tears and when I did maybe one or two. Now I know it was all an act, the illusion of love and a lie. I married the biggest lie of all. I learned their is more than one way to cheat on your wife. More than one way to stab your wife in the back. You marry someone for anything more than love, it is not real. That is not pure clean healthy love. Love is pure, love is light. Love is God. God's job has always been to protect Gaya. Two light's, two energies, two heart's that are truly one forever and always. It's all about one family. Not just one man, because behind every good man is a good woman. Behind that one man and one woman is a family full of love and light.
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