The Beast

I don't know which way to go? I don't know how to handle this one? Can't speak out loud to anyone about all this. I try not to future trip and I noticed last night after I actually ate a meal. That shaky feeling was back. That darkness that fatigue pulling me down. This was the feeling I started getting when Greg had that fatal attraction show up at the office for four months behind my back. I thought I was low on fuel. Even when I ate I couldn't shake this feeling. I gained up to a 112lb, for the first time in my life. You know what people said to me after I lost my weight back down? All the ones who told me, "I was to skinny that I needed to gain weight?" Including my X said, "you were getting chunky." Always nitpicked all my life. Always judged for the slightest thing. Funny the ones saying it to me were the ones stabbing me in the back and lying to my face. No one ever thought about how this affected me did they?"

Here on this planet, the psychological label is anxiety. For me like before it means the darkness is getting nearer. I recorded a video, well many of me going back with my emotions in this family tree. It was then in that video that I discovered for the first time that it was thirty years ago when my brother died. I was nine years old. Looking back something major happens every nine years for me. Eighteen years old my first Christmas alone. I loved Christmas, It's my favorite holiday. I loved recreating the Christmases I had with my family as a child. It's gone up in smoke for me inside. I'm not celebrating again this year. No children, no family for me. I found out Alex is going back to the UK to see her Alex. I can't do this again. Do another walk through peacefully on the outside while I hurt so bad on the inside
At twenty seven, Friday the 13th, I delivered Alex. Nineteen hours of labor while Greg slept on the couch. Don't most fathers look forward to this moment? I mean Greg went to lamas classes with me. He is a naturopath after all and he didn't participate. I did it on my own. I didn't realize until lately that their is something very wrong with that. She was born at 3:16 p.m. and thirteen extra people walked into my room to watch her be born. Including my friend Mary M. her husband's name was Jack. Beautiful baby blue's in that father too. I loved these people. They moved to Goldbar and life caught up and we lost touch.

Thirteen pearls on that dollar bill with that one big Eye on top. Please God, this is my lil rock. One half of my heart. How do I convince her father I am telling the truth? How is my X ever going to know or feel what love is with Cane sitting on his head?  How do I show Greg the light that no matter who he is, this is our baby girl? I can't do another one of my children's voyage's while they pacify me from upstairs. Keep me busy and walk me through. Not this time. While I watch history repeat itself in another marriage.

I realized yesterday that in my dreams I was time traveling. I realized too that I was always very calm except one. I got the impression I had been to this place a few times to check it out and I needed to go back to these woods in the dark. I had asked a man to drive me there and wait out by the road. I have no idea what he looked like. We drove past a turn off to the right, like a Y. We went straight and up above on the right was a house sitting alone in the woods. I get the feeling I was in this house talking to the people and that is why I wanted to come back?

My driver parked the car in the center of the gravel road. I got out and walked into the woods alone to the left. I came up to a hole in the ground like a large crater. Similar to the ones behind TA in the gold field, however this one was in the forest. When I looked down their were people in it doing something. It wasn't good. A old woman with fly away white hair just past her shoulders. A black dress and shoes from another time. A older man bald with hair around the back and sides. He had on a dirty white shirt, trousers, suspenders and boots from another time.

Their was another man tied to a tree trunk. A lil taller than he, stuck in the ground. Their was something else going on that I don't remember. It was not good and some scary shit that no one in their right mind ever wants to see. It was the shack. A tiny one room shack that I kept seeing men and this old woman walk in and out of. How this shack held all those people I will never know? This was the reason I came back. I wanted to see what was in the shack? I snuck around, their were big knot holes and cracks in the wood it was so old. It was lit by candlelight or a lantern. Their was something or somebody on the bed. I just remember it wasn't human. Not Alien just not a man and not human. Whoever this family was? I got the impression family somehow. This was a dark family and they were serving it. They were somehow keeping it alive. It had something to do with what was going on in that hole.

I don't remember if I was seen or what but I ran. I was terrified. I ran and ran back out to the main road and when I got to the driver  he wasn't in it but he was close by. I started screaming, to take off. To get out of here right now. I remember we backed out as fast as we could in the dark to that house at the Y. I don't remember anymore. I begged God not to take me back. The first time I got taken back through these nightmares and being hit with the key point's. To feel them emotionally and relive them. No these are not places I want to go back to. This time God was standing right beside me.

The next day when I'd see it in my mind again. It was still to fresh and I kept pulling my head to the left with my eyes closed. My whole upper body pulling away from the scene. It finally dawned on me I was time traveling it was in that barn of my fathers that I came out into a bright room. Like a hay barn with the doors open or a hangar of some sort. I heard voices as I was creeping around. Just like brother red said to me that day in the woods. "Colleen, you have to stop creeping around in these woods." Asshole, he scared the shit out of me. Pissed me off because I figured out he was the one who called me there in the first place. I stood in the woods looking around wondering why I was there myself? Apparently I did some creeping around in those dreams all those years looking for answers.

Their were a couple of guys up there. I stepped out into the open. I felt safe. We had a conversation, it was here that I think I came up with a plan to get the sheep out. I realized then that all those really old houses in the woods and the clothes they were wearing were not from this time or was any of the stuff around me. So yeah, I hope you can understand that after all these discoveries especially these last couple of weeks if I have a panic attack. I mean holy shit! What is the opposite of light? Darkness! I saw death. Right here on this planet from this dimension, I saw death. Nothing I ever want to see again. To look at the beast in the eye and to discover that Cane was living in my house the whole time.

I now know why while pregnant with Kiley, I saw another Chiropractor? They didn't want Greg touching me. Not with this child. He depleted me. He depleted my energy. He poisoned my tree of life. It was a Michael Golden that Greg had pawned me off on yet again. He is the one who said, 'Colleen I think you have scoliosis." I asked Greg to check me out? He of course said, "no." Just because I got addicted to pain pills for four months of my marriage, does that mean that I have no right to be treated for my pain all these years? No one ever questioned if I was really in pain? Not worthy of food, not worthy of love, and not worthy to be healed from my pain?

Let alone acknowledged, told "I was lying and that it's nothing. It's all in your head. Your just making it up. Look it says right here on this chart it's mild. This is the diagnosis. It says right here in this computer. That says one size fits all. Here take this suppressor for your nerve endings. This suppressor for your brain, because its all in your head remember? Oh here is another anti inflammatory, and lets up that calcium channel blocker. What you can only get nine of these pills for cardiovascular, so the rest is just nerves. No we are blind, here is another pill for that side effect's, here is something else for you to tolerate. To convince the public who pay for this healthcare, we are doing all we can do. It's her fault for getting addicted in the first place. Now she shall suffer the consequences, be judged heavily, no longer adored, but abhorred for being a human. A invisible human with a number on my head. No value in society. A great big zero. She must be a whore being homeless trying to feed herself. Must of done a few lube job's and blow jobs to feed herself?"

Poison the fruit, poison the apple of Eves eye. Poison her love with your lies. Poison the wheat, poison the flour isn't that right Cane? Poison the water, poison the well, with all these tax dollars. Your love is poison, you twist and turn my words into lies. Sitting in that backwards L shaped house with my children, you piece of shit lil man whore. You poison my sugar, my sweet essence. Hell Cane, you even poison the sugar Cane. It's not about that Gold Chalice this time brother.

It's about the mother this time. This honey pot that sits at the end of every rainbow. This milky way that I carry inside me through the stars up above. It's about this mother you lil cocksucker, always cock blocking me, while I take it from behind.  I'm shutting the gates to hell forever and I'm throwing away the key this time. I don't give a flying flock what it takes this time. You my brother are going back on the chain gang. Yeah, ICU. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust brother.