The dream with my father on the sheep farm. I may have been following my father, but it wasn't until last night that I saw who it was wielding that butcher knife. When I remembered my father, the house, the sheep, I started pleading and screaming no. I didn't want to go further and see more, I remembered the cages and who was in the cages just the significance nearly killed me from inside.
Only because I got a flash of another dream. What I saw and what I did. This is when I started screaming why God? Why would I do that God? Why would you show me this? No I don't want to remember God. I could not believe that I had forgotten about all these horrible dreams and what I witnessed? To have them come back all at once and sit in a place, to pretend to be normal. To pretend to have a good time. I could not participate. I knew this night was going to be a rough ride. No way could I write this pain. To many different dimensions, time zones. To much to carry and for the first time I realized I was in coping mode. I was trying to be in acceptance. I was trying to remember I got through it. I was trying to remember the timing of being shown this.
Like the other times on this journey when I already walked through the darkness, and I didn't understand until much later. Each place I went and observed, participated, accepted the weirdness and letting the rest go. I tried to remember what God showed me and who I truly am in the last few days. I was and am still trying to come to terms with this part. Some part's was like "Thank God." Some was like OMG! Yet other part's were like "OOOHHHH Gooood!" So many different perspectives, from so many points of view. I still haven't walked through this part and accepted. I mean yes, it's God and well it's a heavy load God carries. Because it's about God and his family, I have Faith that all will work out. I just need to hammer a few thing's out. Deal and maybe stop trying to barter Kyle. I realized, "I was actually asking if after we die, can you keep him? Let me go back to be with my children and just be with you? You know toss him back in daddy? Let's skip this one. I don't want this fish daddy."
I love irony. Irony in humor. Irony in life. Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing a grown man scream like a girl. Their is good sides to irony and bad sides to irony. Some irony is light and some irony is dark. Well some irony is funny and some isn't funny at all. So yeah, I'm stalling trying to hold onto the light of what I know today and the dark of what I saw yesterday. Irony is "I was told to let the dreams go." I never know how to let something go until I've processed it in my mind. Then I just write and let my fingers do the walking with whatever music flows from Pandora, so not to get stuck. That is also why some of the grammar errors and misspelling and punctuation . That and I have no idea how I graduated. Apparently I learned just what I needed to know to get me to the next step.
I have no idea how big the planet is. I have no clue the Government's or what they are called. I have not a clue what religion is what. What culture is behind most names. By me not knowing it leaves me open to acceptance to the people and lives around me and not have any judgement or any race card to pull. That race card creates separation. I don't like it and it is a good excuse for bad behaviors. No one in any culture wants to represent the bad side of the bad behavior all created on lies to feed a system your loyalty, your fear, your dollar. You feed this entity your fruits of labor, the lion of your loins grow silent. They poison your heart, body, mind and soul. The guilt and dependence on the system they created behind your back to make you suffer and feel boxed in. Held down in fear. Dependent on them, instead of your one true father. Who stands behind you. That one huge shadow that weald's the big fist in the sky.
I had forgotten what I saw in my mind when this started, me as a tiny ant holding up the planet. The reason they are doing good is because I am out here. So I heard. When I got a flash of this place, this dimension I got a flash of what I did. I wanted this place along with all the other dimensions I walked through to burn. I want it gone. I want off the chain gang.
It was dark outside. It was a open space that had old industrial machines out of commission. Some being used as a office. The old machinery circled around this one space. I had walked through it a few times and observed. Their were cages and in front of all these cages was this one cage and it had a man suspended in it. He was hanging by chains with hooks in his flesh keeping him suspended face down. Each night I slept I kept going back. I was trying to figure a way to get that man out of the cage. It wasn't going to be easy, someone always watching in the dark.
Oh yeah so much more in the cages behind that I don't remember. Last night they were showing me this one man suspended and what I did that I didn't know. It was something sexual, but not. I learned last night that in my dreams in some of these strange old warehouses I walked through and hid in, when someone got close or I wanted to cover someone else's scent, so they could get away. They would release a small light orgasm to dispel some how. I stepped into the cage and I released a orgasm. Some how I unhooked him and got him down.
The part I didn't see before was that somehow when I released him. I replaced him. It was an exchange. Time to do my time. I have no idea the face of the man I took down. I get the impression it was a brother. I have no idea how long I hung there. I don't want to know when I did the exchange or for how long.
It was bad enough watching JC carry the cross and have rocks thrown at him. Seeing him spit on, the ring of thorn's, the blood, the bird's. That this was actually a human being hanging there with a woman at his feet. Realizing that this man is real. That it did happen. How heavy that cross was and learning why on this journey I was feeling and seeing it? My twisted spine, that cross and the pulling of my heart strings, last night hitting me all at once was an overload. Today I try to remember that I went through it already. I try to remember that my family would not be putting me through all this for nothing. Do you really think God would send his own son back and not experience love and loss in a big way? You can't help anyone else until you have walked through it. I ain't going back. Their is no going back.
By hiding the Truth all these centuries it seems somehow as each generation that keeps coming back carrying the load for this planet, for that family, for this universe that it is part of the heavenly plan. somehow the load that family carries for us is heavy and dark. Hiding the truth is blocking us from seeing the light. It's blocking us from healing. I'm getting the impression JC wasn't the only one hanging on the cross throughout time. No I have been sent to many other dimensions, some even more horrifying than this by a long shot. To see the darkness behind the scenes, as time has passed, to see how the darkness grows, cause and effect on mother nature, in this universe, and both parents. It was never one, always two. To see the pain my father suffers inside as his children, his flock are sitting in purgatory, suffering and being slaughtered all for this rock, this kingdom he built for his wife to feed his children love forevermore.
I said toGreg the day I stepped into his office. "please Greg. go take your daughter by the hand and tell her her mother has this fight? No amount of money for food is worth this." I told him that "by me working there I am seeing the bigger picture's with these semi's and drug dealers." I also said, "Greg you put me out here in this. You put me in this purgatory." Now I understand why I said this.
How deceptive of you to sit on my rock disguised as a pretty boy. Working in the naturopathic field. All those people you touch. All those people you place your hands on. To make you a sociopath to boot. Put in charge of my children's mental and physical health. Put in charge to feed my children. Their is more than one way to feed your children Cane. Come on we both know that don't we brother? Oh the lies and deceptions. My house Cane, my children Cane, my rock Cane.
Who put me on the chain Cane? What brother am I doing this for? What Father Cane? What Mother Cane? Who's children Cane? My children Cane. Only I feed my children Love and Light. You are a coward hiding behind the scenes. You are a coward to hide inside my children's father. My fury, my rage and all the energy you sucked from my body while pregnant. Oh yes, cane I remember when I was two month's pregnant with Kiley? It wasn't food poisoning was it Cane? It was you trying to make me abort my daughter. Even at two months in the womb Cane, that child held on. This child is strong and she belongs to me.
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