I'm To Blame

I'm To Blame/KM
That seems to be the case right God? So much has been rolling through my mind. Falling asleep on the couch yesterday, the TV is on a channel that I thought I could tune out and what do I hear? A conversation explaining "The Spear of Destiny."

Drunk On A Plane/DB
I knew about the Spear of Destiny. Well what I knew, was that my husband was stabbed to drain His essence, His blood of life to be spilled forevermore. I thought to end his suffering and pain sooner. The symbolism of this hit me in more ways than one? JC bled for you. The other part was Alex. My 5. My Rock and in my writing I refer to her as Destiny. She is Destiny's Child.

I Don't Dance/LB
Then my mind went back to what I said to Marlena? I see my emotions in pictures sometimes. I said "it's like Alex is bowl full of cherries and no matter how much love I feed her, it's never enough. When I picked up this blue bowl, their was a hole in the bottom." When you are a mother feeding your child love, you burn energy. They are a part of you in every thing you think and do. I mean this little beasty challenged me and fought me every step of the way.

Kick It In The Sticks/BG
I loved her for it every minute. I couldn't fault her. She was creative. She didn't hurt no one. A Curious George. If their was a will, their was a way in this one. It didn't matter how much I showed her and told her. I get it, just not yet. Alex was to big for her britches most the time, and she was a happy child. Great whit and humor. Called her dad on eating ice cream in the back at the age of two. he said no Alex you can't have ice cream back here? She looked at him and his bowl of ice cream she only wanted a bite of and she said "well you are." She was right. She was good and well he should of just shared. 

Lose My Mind/BE
Alex didn't like pretend, she wanted the real thing like her mommy. The real baby to feed, not a fake baby doll. I just accepted, let her go play football with the boys and Ki play Barbies and Dolls. The key was to burn her out, and let her run. Then crash landing in bed she goes. The two times I shut three doors between us so she wouldn't hear me let her dad have it for all the bullshit? Just sit down and the rattle of the door knob. She would not go down until I went down. Both times.

Think Of You/CY
God you have a name and an investigation of the heart for everything. I am still angry about my fate. I'm a queen? So he tells me. He showed me that "grass roots ritual" at the age of five. The blocking of this lil' mouses door with green grass. Done by Tammy under a blue swimming pool first trailer park in Rainier Oregon. You know child's play? Then I find out my destiny was to come down here and marry Satan. I thought this was some kind of faux beast thing? NOOOO! That is just not Gods way. He has to give this mother the real thing.

Hey Girl/BC
Still trying to give my X and God the benefit of the doubt I recon. Yet how fowl. Who would ever want to touch me again? I bore the beast daughters? I had four pregnancy's by this man? None of them were normal. I looked normal, but no the energy drain alone. The weird symptoms. Talk about feeling defiled. Then I got taken back to that conversation when my wedding blew up.

Sangria/BS
(The night I got my DUI I had four Sangria's) Back to that wedding from hell. When Elaine said, let's just get married in Hawaii. I thought Elaine had ten relatives tops. How it came up? She asked me "what time is the wedding at Round Top Park?" I said "I want to get married at sunset. When the sun sinks into the water. She said no you can't do that. Why not Elaine? My family is to old to eat that late. Elaine how much family do you have in Hawaii? " She said "well Colleen my mother is from a family of 10 brothers and sisters alone." It really was the wedding from hell after that. I wanted a small wedding a few friends and family.

Break Up With Him/OD
Then I got to thinking about it. Here was this woman whom was abandoned. Raised poor on a farm it probably would be nice for her to have one of her sons get married with family. I let it go and kept moving forward. The honeymoon suite had an adjoining door with a two inch gap. Three feet from my bed. My phone when someone left a message, would go PHH PHH DING, over and over. It wasn't the kind of phone I could unhook. Gwen calls me at 6 a.m. on my honeymoon morning to discuss her hurt feelings. I placated her and let it go.

The One That Got Away/JO
An agreement in the fifth grade and she wasn't a good friend during that time. She did not get along with any of these people in my wedding. Gwen was a drama queen that would act like someone is staring at her and starting something with her. She causes a scene. The whole thing is in her mind. Then later after some kind of confrontation they become her best friend. Sorry for all the misunderstood feelings from before kind of thing. It was the same thing over and over had I been local yes, she would of been in my wedding.

Sugar/System Of A Down
My wedding got to be more than even I bargained for. I found out that after the second trip to the airport, Greg and I get another phone call on our honeymoon with the expectation we are going to pick up and drive everyone too the airport. After the third person we asked Tom, whom was an awesome guy and understood. Who told you this? He said. Elaine. She volunteered us on our vacation and honeymoon to be the chauffeur and didn't tell us. When I got the salad dressing I didn't like, I got up with my plate to go ask the waiter for ranch. I as the bride was told no. Then he stepped on the train of my dress I had hooked up under my bow and ripped it down the back of my gown. I had to carry it for the rest of the night. Did I make waves Elaine? Nope wouldn't want to make waves. Not in this family. Standing up for yourself is not allowed against their labels and put downs. Who had all the alcohol parties all those years? Not me.

Country Must Be Country Wide/BG
Gwen was my friend, I loved her dearly. She just had a baby to boot. I had enough on my plate. Yet I'm the bad guy, when she pulled shit at her wedding? I was honest with her all the way. I tried getting out of it. I will be pregnant, how can me being pregnant getting fitted for a dress going to work when I'm growing? She said "don't worry Colleen, your dress can be different." Then myself and two other friends are at the bridal shop, and Gwen is just being Bridezilla. She's entitled to behave this way.

Play It Again/LB
I keep my cool as well as Lisa and Natalie wondering what's going on? I get a phone call that since I didn't follow through with my agreement in fifth grade that she has decided to cancel me from the wedding. Spite, I saw spite and jealousy. Jealousy over nothing from what I could see. I tried over and over to meet with her and hang with her to re-connect before I moved to California and she turned me down every time. I couldn't get Gwen to even speak to me. I had no choice but to write her a letter. I spoke the Truth about her behavior time and time again. I'm supposed to be her friend, yet I'd go out of my way to invest in her and when I'm sitting right there Gwen is on the phone repeating her same drama to someone else over and over looking for attention. Making my life miserable because she didn't get her way. Spoiled brat material and her mother made excuses and defended this behavior because she didn't want to deal with it or her? Is no excuse to abandon me a little girl whom never did anything take the blame and not look back is not faith, unconditional love nor is it ever Gods way.

Gonna Know We Were Here/JA
She had my attention over and over, yet when I needed a friend she felt entitled to this bad behavior. That is what I called Gwen out on, was this bad behavior. Not her, it was her behavior and she couldn't handle the truth. Here I'm standing talking to Sue her mother and she tells me what's going on with Brittney, and all I can click into is the rejection of thy father, the fine and the fees of child support that tore this family apart. She's hitch hiking and biking alone in Alaska. All I could do was click click click right into Gwen's heart. Brittney is my Shunzel. My 12 Schunzel's. No excuse for that girl to be rejected by such a large family. Especially when she went to school with her cousins? I called her my Morning Glory. Then I read the list of JC's name's? Well I gotta few names to add to that list. God has been taking me back to how I took the responsibility and blame for everything.

Get Your Shine On/FGL
I married a naturopath turns out I married a sociopath. What I couldn't figure out is how everyone thought Greg was such a saint? Pope Greg. Then the Gin. Yup, put the weapon in your hand pull the trigger. The thing was no one that made any accusation ever saw any bad behavior out of me. I came to court with all my proof, and because of that scarlet letter A? I was made to pay. I was made responsible for my families medical insurance and told that if I want to come back on Greg and Mary Stone for the theft, that I will be made responsible for half of his school loans. I have to file another time because here in this State of Washington we don't recognize abuse. You sure dole it out with your blind eye of justice, don't you. I have documents of conversations begging Greg for money to feed my children.

Make Me Wanna/TR
That is what God was showing me, how I could accountant for every drink because I hardly drank. I just had someone over the years pointing the finger in the other direction. He never spoke the truth. The car accident that he walked away scott free from including treating his wife. Why it was so hard for me to see, was the tactic. I figured it out and couldn't speak. I could call out my mothers tactics. The whole public humiliation she would do to my step dad to shut him up when he spoke. She did it to me, several times.

Driving Class/LB
It was only when I would sit down to relax that he would call me out. It didn't matter what I did, I was wrong. taking a break on my own was not allowed. Greg had a list of complaints how I could do things better to make it cheaper on our family. Isn't that right Greg? Do my part right Greg? For the house or myself? Yet he tells me I can't give him a honey do list of more than three items. He stuck me in a fixer upper and said we would do it. Greg did nothing unless, I did all the work and provided everything for him before he got to the table. Including an assistant for him. My list of responsibilities grew and his got shorter to the point that I was responsible for everything. Greg worked, he needed to relax which was the reason for all the sports and all those road trips I had to put together. For him to relax while I did everything else. He said to me all the time in any job, or project. "I gotta do my part."

One Hell Of An Amen/BG
I changed my routine to doing laundry after the kids went to bed. Then I could get in more time with them. I could turn on the TV, veg out and do laundry in peace. He would come out and tell me it's time to go to bed now. My routine changed during all this Mary Stone shit, didn't it Greg? I'd have wine while watching TV and doing laundry and I ignored him. Which I had the right to do. I was his designated driver for ten years. I'm pregnant going to a Christmas party on the way there in Kent and Greg won't turn around and take me home.

Ain't Worth The Whiskey/CS
NOOOOO!!!! He got drunk on royal crown kissing ass with some asshole. I had to drive him home. I needed to go to the hospital. Can't miss a party right Greg? What I did was called cause and effect. I mean who wouldn't sit up and avoid going to bed with a man who sold me out for twelve thousand bucks? It was all my fault? Yet Greg I wasn't allowed to speak about all your drinks, all those years. All that porn, that you had mailed to my office to hide your addiction. The Truth why the mother board broke down, right Greg? All because I accepted the set in stone game plan with your justice system. I followed your rules for help and you shut me down.

Bait A Hook
Your blanket justice system? The one's I like to call BJ's? From that day forward I wasn't allowed to stick anything in my mouth without being judged. Everything I would say when speaking the truth I'm minimizing or lying. I am an analytical person. I analyze things before I re-act. I'm not a trigger happy personality when it comes down to anger. I walk away give the person a few more tries and I analyze a situation to see if it's me or something else going on? God has shown me that when I got fired from Red Robin for an agreement I followed through with to help this manager?

Wild In Your Smile/DL
Then he pulls your not getting your night shift back? I took that job for the night shift. A line cook asks me a question I go to answer and I am told I'm not allowed to speak to the cooks. Usually this is during rush hour, This day was not rush hour. Then he said smile Colleen. I did not and I was fired. I did not make a scene because I didn't want to burn bridges. I took my uniform back the next day when the general manager was in. He told me he could not discuss with me what happened when I was fired. I want to know, since when?

Like A Wrecking Ball/EC
This is the problem with Corporate America. They tell you when and how you can behave. When you don't cross that line yet come back to discuss this calmly with a higher up, I'm told to late I can't speak? That is what you have done Corporate America, you justify the bad behavior. Let the little people who are at the bottom suffer. They took me back to Tammy at Nintendo. My own boss stepped forward and said this firing is unjustified. Tammy was my bosses boss. I was told by the President of the Company to let her know I was interviewing for a job.

Wanna Be That Song/BE
I do what I'm told. I come walking out of the bathroom stall and she's walking in the door and blatantly accused me of using my body to get this interview. It was after work. I was shocked. I went home and I decided I will see what her behavior is the next day. You know see if it's just me. I don't like to point fingers or make waves before I have a chance to see if this is really what I'm seeing? The break room is ten minutes away. I walked out with a banana in my hand. I did not even realize it until I was down on the floor.

Buy Me A Boat
I stuck it in my cart and walked away. I didn't want to waste time at work to run back to the break room. She see's it and fires me for it. When I go to tell the agency I was working for, they said to late. I felt if I made waves in advance then I blow the interview. I look like I'm causing trouble right up front. I went back to work to do my job, and she pulls this? Then the agency pulls that? They wouldn't listen to my direct boss. Yes Tammy was over weight. No I didn't care. When I work for someone, I expect them to be professional and not care.

We Went/RH
Then the job I had when I lost custody of my children. It was the winter of all the storms. We would walk out of our cubicles only to discover their is a storm outside. We are all parked on hills. The bosses knew but not the staff. During these storms, I couldn't always get home. Their was no gas. The stations were closed. We were told that if we go home and get stuck we are fired. I had a choice tell Greg the Truth and make a living, or lose my job and not be able to feed them? This company listened in on our persona phone calls. Even in the break room on break. They kept changing the pay scale and to top it off I couldn't get my landlord to replace a heating element in home.

Love You Like That/CS
The same winter. I had to heat my home with a wood stove. We slept in the living room allot that winter. I get a DUI, I get fired yet you have kids in there getting arrested for drugs. They were better sellers so they didn't get fired but I did for getting a DUI. They mentioned to me about my DUI that I got after hours and being a mother? The day I went to the court to get my hearing postponed I couldn't get a lawyer. I couldn't find anyone to change the date. I get a phone call well after. Now normally I can do my own taxes and legal work up to a point. This time every lawyer said good luck. It's a cluster fuck now. I still never got to speak. So fuck your blanket Justice System. Sitting in these rooms, I kept hearing from other men how they followed the system did the right thing. They got a label and they never got to speak about the other half and how they came to be standing there. No matter what you say after that scarlet letter A. Your a liar. Your a minimizer. I'm out looking for a gateway drug.

Are You With Me/EC
I ask you this, would any of you want to go to bed with this man? People who do drink (not labeled alcoholic such as myself at the time), wouldn't you do the same thing? I wasn't even getting lit up. A couple glasses of wine Greg would fall asleep and I'd got to bed. Whether you like it or not. Sometimes in life, you turn to the bottle. It doesn't make you a liar then, or for the rest of your life. In my writing when I wrote I knew what I was doing was dangerous, I meant the label and what he perceived in his jaded mind as a problem.

Neon Lights/BS
Me and my behavior? I had no behavior. I wasn't allowed to speak. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion. Haven't got to the pain between my shoulder blades and I couldn't go to the office to get a treatment. He sold me out. Got a restraining order for an accusation and another set up. Mary and Greg tried over and over to get me to act out in public. They baited me and I wouldn't do it. I didn't but I got accused of it. All to cover a crime? The criminal was my lawyer, Greg and Mary. Diane Vanderbeek got disbarred after me. I couldn't get her to look at anything. I was telling her the Truth of what was going on during the divorce, the rumors coming out of the office? What he did was take my group of friends that I introduced him to. We all started hanging out as groups and couples, and he was talking behind my back getting my own friends to monitor any slight. I'm right there with them. I didn't act out. It was Greg pointing fingers and needling me. Finding fault in anything. It is only him and his mother who devalued me from the start.

Beer Money/KP
Greg had a young woman for a wife that started doing biofeedback therapy and meditation at the age of fourteen and fifteen years old. I was seeing an Osteopath then too. All of a sudden I have Reynard Disease. The reason for the bio-feedback and told then to drink coffee for my cardiovascular and my headaches. Which you doctors today tell me not to do. I read Edgar Gayce books on homeopathic. I went to all different kinds of counseling in California, not because I was crazy but personal growth in discoveries. I didn't want a trigger hair temper when I didn't get my way. I never wanted to bully or humiliate my children outside of the normal parameters of a parent embarrassing a teenager. It's not hard to do today, but to bad.

The Sweetest Thing/JN
I invested my time in sewing classes and volunteer work. I believed in balance in everything. Our food and over all balance in healthcare. I gave my children cat nip for teething. It was an organic barbiturate that calmed fussy children during teething by about fifty percent. I only used Tylenol when they couldn't sleep. He would walk by and say something snide. I'm following doctors orders with my children and he would criticize me. Yet he never went. He never asked. He didn't care. Yeah, this piece of shit has a ten back.

Tusk/FM
The lion I saw roaring was the curse of this tree of life. That blind eye you have turned toward this tree of life as my animal kingdom erodes away. Who allowed this? You lawyers and politicians protecting Corporate America all these years. Protecting these pharmacy companies and hospitals. With all your marked up fees and blown up character assassinations to be right when you are clearly in the wrong? Label and bury the truth speakers under? Wiping out the indigent ones with all your ignorance? Including the hospitals? They have a guideline now that you can only come back on a hospital for their behavior in two to three years time yet I can go after Greg forever? You can go after the little guy but not the big guy? Corporate America's, justification in this United States for bad behavior? No I will not take the blame and responsibility for any of this.

Should I stay Or Should I Go/The Clash
Half of the Truth does not make it the Truth. It is a lie. I never got to speak. I just followed orders. I wanted tools not purgatory. You buried me under and made me responsible for his thievery. You in this system protected him. I have gone to the police station. I have called the police station that this is wrong to have every one talking and reporting to him. It doesn't matter what I was doing. I was always in the wrong. This system has never protected me. Makes me wonder how many others out there that just this has happened too? I have heard story after story on just this issue. I get it no one wants to deal with crazy? I walk away from crazy always told to be the bigger person and when some injustice happens to me, policemen and others see no bad behavior. Just in that I am told to be the bigger understanding person and accept the label? I got labels for you now.

Time Like These/FF
You running the show. You know the ones our lawyers, and congress because you couldn't be bothered to put a cap on your hospitals? All their random mark up on service in a hospital? The judge the jury and the prosecutor? To make the little guy look guilty and foot the bill on all this mark up is unethical. The rest of corporate America all this mark up on food that you have poisoned, all this mark up on this justice system, which their is no justice anymore? is unethical and immoral and inhumane. You boxed humanity and put a cap on humanities services the ones you swore to protect?

Smile On Your Face/
The services you provide has been a dis-service. This insurance and all the mark up is a scam. Insurance is the biggest scam out there and you all know it from the top. Yet you have literally sold out the little people down below with all your labels mark up and fee's. You put a cap on your landlords tenants and the fees for all these background checks and the abuse behind it is absurd. You didn't listen to the people because the industry is all ready out there and its out of control. All you do is cap it instead of remove that right they abused long ago in more ways than one. All I have seen in the last twenty years is bullshit with the landlord tenant laws. Do you now what it's like to have to clean and repair every place in order to live in it? For years I have done this and had to get apartments up and running. These landlords break the law and well we can go to court while they label us and hold the tenants money? We can write a letter or move. Nope I am done

Creep/RH
I now get to put a cap on your ass. For now on any service done on this rock will have one mark up price for the owner to make money. If you carry a product in your store, the product will be returned to that store. No more guidelines and bullshit on the human races money. You got a problem with equality when we do business on this rock, then jump ship. Go home, I don't want to hear from the top anymore excuses on your bad behavior. If you couldn't look at this Obama plan and see the Truth of who is getting served and how? You need to step down. Take the documentary, The Impressionist? My family by the way. I love my family. I am here for my visionaries and what my family created. That you assholes didn't create it nor do you share it. To late, to bad. Don't even try. They had to create their own club to get away from you and you still stole it controlled it priced it and stole and re-sold on the black market. I want it returned for all to enjoy. You had no right to castrate my statues or cover them. You re-created shame of the human body with your small minds.

Scar Tissue/RHCP
Right here it shows you the educated and higher ups got to make the decisions on my families creativity. You just moved in and took it over to control it. You labeled my artist, my visionaries as crazy. Yet why does the pharmaceutical companies and these HMO's, these State plans get to label and choose your crazy? Why do they get to make you a zombie with your legal drug dealers serving up your BJ's? We are all receivers on this rock and you are no longer welcome to tell my family how to receive Gods love. You and labeled my family as crazy?

Enemy/Sevendust
What about Hamlet? From what I see allot of my visionaries and artist had some kind of addiction, if they didn't you labeled them addicted. Like weed and Lakota's it's a gateway to connecting as well as that black swill. The Catholic did the same thing, all these other religions. I think their are over 300 books of hope written out there today. Canotations they call them? What a word. Incantations more like it. Yet put them all together and you got a story closer to the Truth. Don't put words in my mouth, I'm not angry at the Pope today, I'm not angry at the people in any religion today. I am angry about the lies created long ago. Those working behind the scenes in any institution that know the Truth and hide the Truth. You are stopping other's from healing. You are stopping evolution from happening on the inside to feed the soul love. Knowing the human race are running on half a heart? All because of the ego, the passive aggressive behavior being used in the word obey today in the wedding vows? You have a ding a ling and I am here too serve you? It makes you smarter and more worthy of Gods love? My goal is respect. Mutual respect. The safety to walk away.

American Woman/LK 5 (Reissue 1998)
Whether you like it or not we are all brothers and sisters, not only through blood but essence. They are wiping out everything good inside you and outside you. I love everyone, I love their colors they wear, I look at the tats. I see the zest for Truth in that marking. It is you who look at another human beings marking and turns it bad. I see the tats as hope, or a reminder, been there done that, I'm done. You don't let anyone have second chances. You will never believe that I am no longer addicted. I have no desire to ever let a room full of people that you stuck in a box judge me or mine again.

Sweet Child O' Mine/Guns and Roses
Don't you ever come knocking on my door, and tell me what I need to do. Don't you ever tell me, I could of done better. I don't want to hear one could of or should of come out of anyone's mouth. I couldn't believe everywhere I went, my own friends turned their back on me. Sue and Pat didn't bother to look back. To this day she thinks she's serving God. She got had by Satan. Thank you justice system. Whether you like it or not, my whole life has been nothing but a test of all the injustice you have placed up on me and my family. This one person, who you still today standing in a doctors office sends me back to the beginning? Their is no excuse for any of it. Bernie Sanders, shut the fuck up. I do not want to hear how you are going to tax and fine these people that this system failed to serve long ago.

Low/Cracker
I know God sounds like an asshole. He's not. That O.T was your God, your creator speaking the Truth of what was to come. He is a prophet that spoke the Truth about what was going to happen before he sent his own son in his image. Still not good enough for you is it? The creator of everything around you. Including your science. You know that God Particle in Sweden? What are you up to about a seven or an 8? You don't need a God particle or a machine to find God. He is your creator, he is your life. He is that light inside you that makes your machine run. In Christian Science, the author meant balance. Not to, not go to a doctor. Balance of that whole body is that tree of life. Part of the over all well being. That CNS that ladder that DNA that goes from that root chakra, up to male and female's sexual organs we need for love and to procreate. Then number three the solar plexus to communicate and connect with the universe. Then the heart, the throat, the third eye and the funnel to golden light at the top of your head. If this Tree Of Life is out of alignment so are we. The root is number one. God didn't blame me standing in front of Him. He got to the heart of the matter, the root issue of the problem on this rock? The one every one wants to deny exist, for me to find out it is my children's father? My X, that tenth planet is the beast, the Gin the number 666 himself. Thank you friends and family in this United States of America. I got this. It pisses me off.

Losing My Religion/R.E.M.
Once again all I have is the saving grace that God took Cain's son Elijah and took him home. The other prophet to stand by Gods side. It is my brother. I heard long ago that Kiley is going to marry a twin and she knows Him. For me to find out it's Elijah Todd, my brother? Jesus Christ re-born whom rides the white horse with a staff in his hand standing at heavens gates? Is my brother and my children's uncle you piece of shit. Yeah, I'm still pissed off. I look at God today, all I can say is asshole.

I Love You/GL
Nice try God. You place me here and make me marry Satan? The whole reason for pregnancy number five? A twin, James Wayne and John, because of that piece of shit? I took the scarlet letter A for my children? I took this tree of life for my children? All to walk through all the injustice of a justice system? Get rid of Satan once and for all, is me this mother? Let me at Him.

Chevy Van/CS
I wanted to turn that Yoga studio into a women's clinic later on. They showed me not only the pictures I lined the halls with but the three painting by Picasso, I believe. The three doves, red white and blue. They made me cry when they took me back to that waiting room. They made me feel justice for what was stolen from me. I loved all those reprints. It was amazing the timing. I thought it odd then. Thinking about money and decorations? Some kid walks in with a trunk full of reprints, Picasso and Monet. I had never stood close to any original painting by any artist. This is the closest I had come. They didn't belong in the actual yoga room so I lined them down the halls. The one with the depressed woman that reminded me of a depressed fig? Knowing nothing of no fig tree then.

Can't You See Me/TMTB
Then I discover the truth behind the first three centuries when a woman spoke she could be accused of being a witch and killed by any man. For any slight because he had a ding a ling? Then they threw the faggots on the fire when they burned the women at the stake. I learned on a comedy show. What can I say I think our comedians should run the county. They speak so everyone can understand them. They can stand outside the box from a different perspective. They see the Truth in the lies. They just through the faggots on like kindling for the accused witches they burned at the stake. Turn about is fair play in my family tree. You know that circle of life? What comes around goes around. Do unto others as they have done unto you? My families got my eye on you. To have God go over just how Greg's family devalued me? The list is long. They had a young woman, who was a nurses aid her junior year in high school, graduated beauty school at the same time as high school, advanced training that summer. Managed my own salon by 19. Stepped away from everything to go back to school became a waitress in the meantime. Yes I walked away bouncing between jobs until I decided what I wanted to do.

Amie/PPL
They didn't know me then. I had a new car, my own place. I had everything by the time I was eighteen. I worked with the special-ed kids in high school. I took a job selling vacuum cleaners. I sold three in the first month. $1500 for that machine. Of all the names they were called Queen's. I walked out because I won a trip to Hawaii, the catch I had to fly out of Canada. Plus

Papercut/Linkin Park
I helped Kevin my X, open his own industrial paint shop. What was the corporation name of his first clients? Quantum. The name of his business. Phinal Phase Phinishing, with a purple triangle. I left my waitress job because I discovered my manager was using me as cheap labor, and I wasn't actually in management training. Told by the ones who were in management training, making like 18 thousand a year and I made five bucks an hour.

Lady/LRB
When I worked at Gene Juarez. I left because I had a 106 degree temperature, and I was told I could not go home sick. When I worked at Cocoa's as a waitress I loved my job, and their was balance. Maybe me and Don on that cooking line didn't get along so great, but we pulled it together, to get the job done and serve the customers. I had a busser cleaning tables and restocking that line. It wasn't the servers job unless he fell behind then we became back up.

Kiss/Cold Gin
I got fired from the job as a cashier in Sky-way and I never knew why until Shari told me a year later? "Didn't you know Colleen, you look like her only ten years younger." I had that job long enough for me to meet Alex Styles. A chiropractor across the street whom happened to be looking for a chiropractic assistant. Greg was working as a server at Long-acres at the time. I got Greg that interview and he got the job, and when he got out of college he went back to work for the same people. It was funny because Alex Styles thought we named Alex after him. I loved this guy. He told me about what Mormons believe about marrying your soulmate here and in heaven. We remain together. I thought it was a nice thought but at the time I did not believe that.

Baby Please Don't Go/ACDC
No religion is wrong, it's just the entitlement and ego in man. get rid of that and the unrealistic expectation of that. Including the lifetime commitment to not be able to walk away when their is abuse behind it? God and His Son JC, and the Holy Spirit which turns out is I, do not ever want that. Use God as good. Sometimes it's okay to let go to grow. We as a society are hungry for love in all walks of life. We feed the wrong love when you have strings attached to it. That is all I am saying on religion, for now until I discover more and God please let there be no more.

Disturbed/Stupify
I worked at Lockheed and every computer company in California, and I loved my flexibility and I learned from these places like Apple, you take care of your people and they will take care of you. They were flexible with their employees. I was even offered jobs from these places. I'm sitting with a woman, Greg's mother Elaine, who from day one de-valued me. She told me everything I am doing is wrong. No one needs a new car at my age. No one needs all this new stuff. That I collected along with my mother to have for my first place over the years. I had never made a late payment. I did the used car thing. I liked having a car I could rely on.

A Horse With No Name/America
Greg's dad worked at Boeing all those years hating his job, but he did it for his family. Just like my own family. Elaine worked as a word processor, my mother a cherry picker. Blue collar people and I saw value in them but they did not in me. They nitpicked my holidays with my children and what my mother and I provided. They nitpicked my very first Christmas with my own family that hadn't been together for to many years to count. I was a good hostess at all their gatherings. I brought food, I cooked and I cleaned beside this woman. I went mushroom picking, fishing and crabbing with this family. I had to keep buying clothes for two children for all these excursions. Packing and hauling. Load unload, reload, load unload, then unpack it all and wash it all. To start all over again. It never ended. If I said anything about my own home, I was being difficult.

Strange Magic/ELO
Their gatherings had no traditions. It was the same gathering and party time after time. Potluck dinner, no theme and a full bar. I went and I participated. All Bob could do was criticize me. Not recognizing that hey I might not eat the mushrooms I pick when we go, but I'm with you participating. Not criticizing. That man criticized me for everything. I ignored it and walked away. They literally devalued me when I liked to eat out, telling me it is not necessary, I just want to spend money, but they could. I grew up eating in nice restaurants, because my family worked. To not even let me look at nursery sets to get some ideas? I was cut off told all I want to do is waste money.

My Best Friends Girl/The Cars
I literally went home with a crib from when Steve and Greg were children, and a play pen with a big hole on the side. I tried saying it's not up to code, and like Greg would tell me about all these new codes now, it's all hog wash. I stuck the Grateful Dead Bears on the end to try and blend it into the rest of my crib set, that I made. The slats fell out at nine weeks. This is a prime example of how they valued me. Having children and buying a house, which they said, buy a house when you get out don't waste your money on rent. Literally we do the game plan their way and all they did was nit pick, hound, abandon and blame. For nothing.

The Logical Song/Super-tramp
That last trip packing my kids up once more during my holiday, Christmas. They did nothing but nitpick me on this trip for anything I tried to do for my children. I forgot the stockings for my girls. I wanted to go to Walmart for my family traditions and I had to hear about it. They had no toys to entertain them. Then I over hear my mother accuse me of making waves. I had not ever made waves. Not one time. Not when Kelly's mother stood in the kitchen talking to me, not knowing I was the little girl you abandoned at Skate King. All I ever heard from anyone was how Kelly lost a brother. Sue and Pat were around then too and no one acknowledged. Truth is nothing to acknowledge because their was no behavior as a child or adult. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion in this family.

Brain Damage/PF
I took a daycare class with Alex, I took parenting classes with my children. I did music class and mommy and me swimming. I made them hug when they fought and I set the timer for between their two ages. I said indoor voices. C food, feet on the floor and walking feet. I believed less is more. Truth is Greg did not take one class. I read spiritual books, Conversations With God, Which Greg's brother Steve gave me. I read the Four Agreements. I read meditation books. When all this was going down I kept telling doctors I'm not depressed. I would sit and picture energy going up my spine. I hated pills, I'd always start with herbs and meditation with myself first.

Love Reign O'er Me/The Who
My only issue was I married a sociopath, whom knew I had a crazy mother, that I understood and loved. I just watched for behaviors like my sister. I called my dad's family home, the funny farm. Yes I loved my family and I was aware. No better way for a sociopath to marry a woman like me. A smart woman, who kept picking up what I knew from before and took it to the next job. That is how I opened the offices.

Nazareth/Hair Of The Dog
Out of four projects that I left him with? Not one was done to my specifications that we had agreed up on before. He didn't bother. I had a right after all those years of my time and investment in my marriage, to be there for my family when they needed me. Just as I was with Greg's. They could not be there for this mother. Not even when I delivered their only grandchildren. When you look at the writing Greg stole, all it shows is me doing everything including constantly stepping back and taking the time to work through Greg's family issues. These were Greg's issues, but I was doing all the investing and coming up with the most peaceful resolution. Greg wouldn't even bother.

Plush/Stone Temple Pilots
So yeah, justice system not one time have you helped me when I called. Always a civil matter you say? Okay, well here I am. I'm taking it all back. You had your chance over and over. Including the bullshit I have had to walk through in this State Healthcare System. Which ain't shit for help, but you tag the little people at the bottom for more fee's with more laws putting the lower class in more purgatory? It's a fee with an illusion of service. Really it's a permission slip to draw out suffering, being bounced from box to box. More pills to tell you are wrong and don't hurt. Psychologically shut you down. This system doesn't care how you get hooked into it. Indebted to loans bank mortgage and school, and anything you can do to help burn out those internal organs on all your suffering even better? Once you get hooked in you don't get to make any more choices. Those working behind the scenes know we need our emotions to ascend, not all this machinery.

Angie/TRS
For me to have to sit and watch from the outside the same thing happen to my children with their father, and be told to accept Colleen? Their is nothing you can do about it? I have this to say, "it is your turn to accept. You will accept the consequences for your actions. Time for you to accept the truth of what you do not know, nor bother to ask. Time to accept the box, I will place you in. You have boxed me and mine in long enough. I don't give a flying flock what institution? Jail, treatment center to receive all your new treatment for what you have doled out to me and mine."

Yes/Sweetness
As far as a mental institution? Nope, to nice of a place for you. You will not have your white collar jail cell no more. You know that TV show "The Good Place?" This is purgatory. This is one step away from that inferno I am sending you back too. I feel like just that. Over and over we go, and as soon as I figure it out, we start over. My whole life has been like that. Ground Hog Day. I have heard this from so many others. The other an alcoholic woman, with one blue eye, yelled it at me as I was walking away once again. "Colleen I feel like I just keep repeating life over and over." My head drops right along with my shoulders, I knew just how she felt. Sometimes when other women approach me from my distant past, I have had to ask them which lifetime do you come from again? I feel like I have had so many just in this small town.

Hey Hey What Can I do/LZ
So Greg this next blog is for you it's called family. I'm gonna tell you the truth of what you do not know about my family from my childhood. I'm going to tell you about my family traditions. From what I can see just by looking at you and yours you didn't have much to brag about, bitch boy.

































Kiss