The last

The last thing I had to do was get the record video 2 start. I'm soaked. Sweating, missing again 2 item's. 2 hats, just before my cross necklace with the keys and ring. I've got the cape on ready to go. Balanced in pain, euphoria, and emotion, ready to dance. 

I'm the last voice. I'm the last show. I feel like I'm letting everyone up and downstairs down. How 2 B a queen U ask. I'm starting at the end of everything in existence today. Being scary, the message, judgement? That's the least I'm worried after. Rape, murder, stealing not to eat, wash, cloth, get what U can carry. Don't hoard. Take what U need for now. Until a more permanent roof for U and your's. Close to get to town. Share, colonize, perhaps barter. 

It's Christmas I'm out of everything. Pain med's, weed, even very little food until the second. My left leg I now know is a cardiologist. They need to run a something down my left leg, up 2 heart. An ANA test is cardio, not neurological. Not Lupus, not arthritis. It is all but out of all of it, it's potential stroke and heart attack. 9nce again cock blocked to standing, dancing, speaking. No voice, no peace inside. No truth on why it's the end so as not to repeat what doesn't work. 

Love is the answer. Cockblocking evolution is not love. To make U question even your own truth? Truth doesn't set u free any more. U put a high price on Truth. Not tangible, U cannot C, I don't exist. The invisible man. 

Golden Gate

Bullet train is playing in the background. Thinking about the picture and Holocaust. The word that sorry corrected was holiday. That's just one of the questions about dates. It doesn't matter any more, picking a date? That hasn't seemed to work out in the past. Just more stress to add to my birthday I agreed to carry for my family tree. Flock me. 

I have no fucking is how I haven't lost it long ago. I don't care about the crazy. You've got me in costumes and hats in my mind speaking, practicing. It's never the same and I never stay on track. I get taken off course in a heart beat. Of in the other direction I go. It's not funny but I got a flask of me ass a dog. A short span of attention. SQUIRREL 🐿️ off I go. 

Physically. I am so 0hysically challenged everyday, everyday. 

I been dealing but not speaking about my back so much. As speak up ng that includes writing it sum where. Gotta document everything. The 8nsane thing is just how much I haven't chosen. Not ever. That's been a hard one. To discover literally not in control of any of it. I haven't taken the physical part so personal, I'm speaking of the resentment of pain past and present. I mean not even a color. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

It's that everything has been chosen all along. I don't feel controlled as much as I feel stolen from. On this journey step by step I've been shown from the start my mother Zion sitting me down to hand over my coat, or anything I cherished so she can steal my by item's and my time. Then being shown how people just expect me to hand thing's over or back after it's been given to me. I'm not allowed to have any reaction. Then in the end my own mother 2 diamond rings. Just to hand over to my sister. For attention. Then I'm abandoned and blamed, even in places it should be a non issue a divorce and my children's school. My friend's. Most of all the set up, the discovery of the bleedingheart's and the Scarlett Letter A, A liar, minimizer, and blamed. 

I was none. I wanted to escape, learn more about myself, have sum space and peace. Help to figure it out. I should of walked out, from that meeting I had with the manager of this place. More, blame, and shame being told what I should be thankful for. What was 21 days compared to 12 year's of misery and hell. Being shown everything I put up in this marriage. I was so invisible. I did not count. All he saw was a money tree. I paid with my life and my children's so he could become rich sum day. Money really is the root of all evil. U can't put a price on love. That's not love it's possession.

Then my mind and the bridge. I should of been able to cross that bridge and love from afar. No one would ever let me cross. This is my life my cross and my choice. Nobody knows what's best for me but me. I don't matter so much, that no one bothered to ask, ask about me. My well being. My heart.

The Golden Gate bridge. I said to Wes you've sent one bridge you've seen them all. Now a bridge of a🌈 would be spectacular to my eyes. Finally, home sweet home. 

My ring, he stole, I had no rights to speak of all he stole. How much, I really paid. I paid with my ❤️. 

I want so bad to chew ass God, it's the last voice sum will hear B4 they go home. The voice is inside them. Perhaps I should just call U the voice. 

STOP

 Not today

get the fuck out of my way

my cat's

Hell Cat's

Willow up A tree

Tiger Lily not far behind

Dumb cat goes out for more

this fucking Hell Cat

Not today. Trying not to react,

Oh cum on

The Holocaust why I saw that 

the big mushrooms

poof were gone

in a flash

Big bang

I'm just a theory 

A myth, I guess U have nothing 2 fear.

Fear that's a weapon

Fear, how could U.

What's the point?

All these emotion's?

I hate U.

I hate Hate HATE!

I'm the Holocaust.

Oh cum on,

the JEWS?

The ovens

this is hell?

Please Please Please

OH MY MOTHER FUCKING GOD
THE END
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 
PLEASE STOP
I HATE U

I HATE U 4 ALL OF IT.

PUT MY BURDENS

MY PRAYER?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO SCREAM

WHAT'S THE POINT

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP.

IM THE SIGN IAM THERE 4 IAM THE END OF THE LINE

I HATE U I HATE U IHATE U FOR THIS

ADVERSITY AND GREG

THAT MARRIAGE OF PURGATORY AND HELL

TALK ABOUT SLAVERY AND CHAINS. I HATE HIM. I WANT HIM DEAD. GET RID OF HIM. TAKE HIM AWAY. MY CHILDREN? MERCY ME OH MY. I HATE HIM FOR THIS MARRIAGE. THIS MARRIAGE. BEING CHAINED IN A MARRIAGE. RELIGION AND MARRIAGE? THE EXCUSE OF GOD AND THE EXCUSE OF GOD ABUSE SLAVERY AND MARRIAGE. HE LOCKED ME IN. HE LOCKED ME IN A BOX.  I HATE HIM. I DONT CARE. THE HOLOCAUST? WHAT'S THE POINT IN SHOWING THIS? ITS ALL GOING TO HELL GOD IN A HAND BASKET.

NONE OF IT MATTERS GOD. DON'T SHOW ME THAT

PLEASE PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO C THAT GOD.

THE 4 HORSEMEN

THE HOLOCAUST?

BOOM THE END?

THAT'S IT?

HOLOCAUST

The Holocaust that's a different perception why death why death has come back around asking do I fear death die do I walk in the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil thy rod the staff why put me through all these different hats none of it matters none of it makes a difference this is the end of the line I am the siren I am the 911 we are here we stand for love all the black hearts all the black sheep this is who we are this is how we came to be here all this judgment guilt hate shame righteousness do not ever use God as a good excuse for your bad behavior for your lack of faith judging others we have no equality we have no respect they'd love this system this heartless system and this mother f****** fallen Angel the goat the goat sitting in the sewers disguised as a joker the fool you ain't making a fool of me you fell fell piece of s*** hate that's your glory that's your passion your little entity you sit in my sewers you sit on that lot you are slavery you are the cause of all this slavery you are the reason I walked through all this slavery you stole my dignity my family my pride my love you poisoned my seed my truth blame blame blame create all this shame for love we are here for love the cock blockers of mother f****** evolution sitting right here I am the mountain I am the diamond Mount Hood those four I represent those four I stand for Love race color pride family Peace Hope Joy serenity. 

The C word

Compromise. I hate that word not everything is a compromise. I compromised myself 2 death just to get past it. Middle ground on literally nothing on nothing.

Yes, the no balance, no balance in anything. Contract's another bad word. Our document's that literally sat U cannot cancel. I had no choice at that time it was taking over. More work. Fucking new passcode over and 9ber. Fuck me. U R literally told by sumthing profiting from U, stop it. Yes, U can't compromise on my part when U just keep cuming in and taking and taking, and making the rules like emotions, stop with the emotions bullshite my power, the elements the white buffalo, Lakota, druid. Native got it. 

Get it done. We begin anew. I keep breaking it down more and I slice it I do ice it I rythym I Rhyme, my sing song. Druid Queen, Ellis, my mother once again she hovers, she laughs her wicked laugh. Malevolent isn't a mother's trait when protecting or is it. The Lion, the butterfly. Knives knives knives he stabbed me in the back any chance he got. No back up no response, a punch like Zion, U can do it. Not one time. Not 1 time

 No balance no balance this Hell Cat. Another Trident, how do I 2ant it up the ass in the eye? Persidon. Willow B. Is inside of me. 

I was so invisible. It really never mattered 2 live 2 die he did not care. As long as no one 3lse is around. He'd leave me. Having life insurance back then, he sold me for 12, 000., What would double that even would of liked me for. Money and reputation. Drink, laughter cheers, who'd endure this? At what cost.? The 666 way?

It just dawned on me how close? How many times? He left me over a river up a tree, like a monkey that's no fun no more. 

How many ID with the big eye black hearts have I walked thru. 

Stop cum on, move on a lil faster. Scribe scribe scribe. 

OMGOD, I can print from phone. 

`

Here It GOes Again by OK GO

Knocking on death's door. I wrote something about death by death I recon. 

Alien Ant Farm/ Smooth Criminal

U have no idea, the ant's that came around. Piss Ant another name by Zion. My first experience with an ant farm. Oregon. It all goeas back to the heart. All the way to Sunnyvale, the trail of ant's. Counting 9 ant mound's every morning. Then all the ant's around me and Gary. Huge mounds. The guy that came back to our site with an ant skull. Well it looked like. That's what Gary said. I said those ghost eye's have no light in them. The ant's I was working at. I took everything I had gathered that day and put in my pocket. Not knowing why? I adventually find out. 

I placed everything around 2 cables that met in the middle. I started moving my hand's. Laughing. Not really knowing why? I just go along for the ride. There were thousand's of ant's. Just thousand's. Huge ones not fire ant's. This was also the first time, I started to take notice that where ever I stop and dance at, chant. stomp, sing cry. What an emotional roller rife this has been. 

U2 Vertigo

No getting off this ride. The next day I went back and hardly any ant's. Oh yes, behind me a sewrer grate. Stephen King is not wrong. Gary the other seer, mostly when high. He to does whatever they ask and they provide. He said he had a cousin named Stephen King. Castle Rock, and standing at the window was a shadow of a black wolf. My cousin Shelly saw A man, A Hell's Angel. I said they ride with wing's on thir back. They turned a new leaf. Castle Rock my aunt's Rose garden. Finally had one. My neighbor with a cross year round, white at that. Tore my garden apart. Paying for the dog's. Why JC told me why I alway's wanted a dog farm? Becuase it's my farm. I had to grab the wall, I stood there and bawled. Of course conversation took place in the bathroom as I was standing at the sink. Jesus Christ just outside the door.

Beastie Boy's is on. Of course, no sleep for minimum 48 hours we go dark. No one in no one out of this Washington. Accept family, break bread U R family.

Otherside/Red HOt CHili Pepper's

I've been wondering why I'm still on this. I have everything I need to take the rock back, GOd's flock and energy. CAn't C that. Yet they never saw me either except to throw the book at. Getting me close to death's door, had to of gotten me close in order for me  to spend 5 day's in THe Valley Shadow of Death. Just learned who the invisible man was at the end of my bed. First not sure, Then I learned recently JC. They have gotten me close to death's door once more. I mean physically. DOesn't get any bigger than the Big C. This is the end of the line. I have to do this while I can even speak. Of all place's my jaw, and mouth. I tried getting it checked out or a couple of years.

Ben Holds 5, Brick

This Scarlet Letter A and the Big C. WHich A U ask. The Angel or the Atom Bomb. Am I going to stand against an Atom bomb. It's not about sacrifice for me, so we have a planet for my children to eat from. The other Mary. Mother Earth. 

Don't Speak. No Doubt

Hearing that all my life. 

I've realized once more, they own me. They use me. Slavery comes to mind. All my god damned life. Being judged, never spoken. When I try, the compassion goes to someone else. More of how I need to change myself to make life easier on other's.

Being raised by a mental ill woman is slavery. Walking on egg shell's. Here comes another explosion. I've been thinking what else do I need to know? COme on let's get it done. Then Mother Fuck. Technology once again. Won't print my blog. Over 4000 pictures to print still. Right now physically I'm good to do this. Not dance, I re upped my med's I want it done. I have to be in the right frame of mind. Ih ave to be to write from whomever's heart. I know now, when it's not me. The emotion's

Mother Love Bone/ Stardog cChampion

Yes I get it the clue the title. The Alpha, the Omega. Nope! I'm Sirius

I love to say that. Starting to like metaphore's after all. My mind's been going back to a few thing's from the brgginning. The local policeman, the number 7 his son. I saw and heard a black shadow standing on the otherside of the door. Then I heard He's here for the son. He's standing at the door. Now it's grown to the planet. I said to Greg in the parking lot on that lot, nothing grow's without love and light. My right hand in the air dancing. Tolerance, the higher I go the more I write until sometime's fall asleep. The elphant on my father's chest. This tabacco and in the start it was Yule Brenner, cancer. His message. Then Anna, in the King And I. I thot the cancer part Kyle took that on for his planet, his children to eat. His agrrement his sacrifice.

Counting Blue Cars/Dishwallar

Kryptonite/ JJ

Do I fear death? Why am I asking myself this one? Well I was thinking of the seal's? Is this just another seal broken? 7 years. Would I make the same deal today? In a heart beat. Live or die? Does it even matter anymore? That depression from the deprosors managing all of our pain? They turn a blind eye to pain? This insurance is just a machine. Just a machine of number's. It's controlling all of the pain. Pain? Mercy me and Pain? All while trying to survive. FInancially Michael and I are done. Physically done. It's been snowing and it was the SHekina that stood in the snow. Later I asked is it Ash. Feeling a war. The Ash?

Believe Staind

A mountain and another pun Mt. Hood. Lil Red Riding Hood. It started with the Lakota and Dancing with wolves. I have nothing left up my sleeve. I don't know what they are going to put me thru, U and FAith. Who is FAith's Twin FLame? Michael. Then Michael with ISIS stopping or making sure Jack Parson's doesn't go thru it.

When I'm GOne/3 Door's Down.

Purgatory. Survive, no hope, but hey don't worry the state will certify us for some customer service job. Up front or in the back. Your all indigent. Your alls slaves. They poisoned love. What a fucked up concept that humanity has on Love. U blocked evolution. Backwards or forward. Take your Schizophrenia and Bi Polar for praying and shove it up my Lily white ass. They'r ain't no Freedom

Half way Gone/Lifehouse. SO trueNo Freedom anywhere up in this house. I want these people gone right now. I don't give a flying flock. Alien, the fallen angel and some very very old witch craft. Adam and Eve. U posoned love and equality with Morals in my court. Freely given freely taken. String's so many string's of control right here. I'm so pissed. Immoral a Sin for Love. Equality and more children have food and homes. Science? The creation of your own making

 cum judgement day. U raped evrything and put a high price on it with all this distension. Oh the serpent or FAllen Angel, The Goat. The real Satan. Oh yeah the Alien and the Goat sitting on boulder's Friday the 13 th Mothers Day. 

My Sacrifice/ Creed

Trinity, so many. I don't know how to take this one now? Death is standing at the sun's door all because I carry Jesus CHrist inside me. Fuck fingers are tingling. Death is standing, literally standing at balance. The Yin, The Yang. Just here to balance the scales. That mean's real Death is standing at my sister's door. Same DNA. If they do this. U will literally kill off the last hope we ever have.

If Everyone Cared/Nickle Back

Amen I. Amen I. Amen I'm alive. Just where this will ever B. My nieces. At least liking my number's in this family Pride. I'm so mad at God for this. You have no idea. Don't ever tell me what to B thankful for. Just one more. Just one more. The Other Joker, the other fool. 

Home/Daughtry

Flock me. I'm mad again. I realized like 1 to 2 night's ago, writing about Death. Are we ready for Eternal life, universally so? I mean U don't need a machine to do this. No I don't know when or who on every detail of a person's life. I only get answer's when they give them. 

I said to Mike the other day, maybe yesterday, now I know who the guy was with the gun, that was laughing hysterically, where he decend's from at least. I was thinking today I could C my brother sitting in that pose just B4 my step dad beat him with a belt. A kid he'd never met. Fuck me. U know feleony and law's? A cell he should never of been in the first place. The Chamber's my whole flocking life, this is not the answer I expected. Well actually the fourth horsemen. Death.

It's Not My Time/ 3 Doors DOwn/American Standard 1995 and Friday the 13th and the 3:16.

7 Mary 3. Cumbersome

Simple Plan/Perfect

I'm torn, my b;ack shadow buried me 6 feet under. Buried me under all this pain. I looked at the black shadow and I didn't say my mantra, ICU. No it was it's U. How much more proof of life do I need? U fuck head's, I'm not the only bait. Hell's kitchen. Hell on earth/ depemds on the perspective I recon' He promised me 1995. Heaven On Earth. What the heaven's really entail? Little Miss Can't Be Wrong/Spin Doctors Pocket Full Of Kryptonite. 

His eye's and the 3rd bedrrom scene. That I realized I had two in longeray. Longerray of white, Longerray of light. My side's pulled up. Both times it was the gloves and my atire that pulled me out of my revory. It was number 3. My hair was about how it was from the start. Past shoulder's, wild curls. sitting on his chest. A sheet around me. My hair made me think, I must of dreamed this back then and theyre just now showing me.

I was bending over Him, my fingers around each eye, I said, I want 2C what UC. Later those word's sunk in. Death. I'm not sure if this is when I called Mike and asked whose death. He siad one of the 4 horsemen. Took 5 chapters to figure out I've been wrting their names all along. I wasn't so concerned then, but my reaction. The biggest, loudest, logest emotion. I sat on my knee's crying and screaming. Not wailing. One scream after another. Not my Death. Nobody want's to C Death. Not afraid today of the Horsemen or the black shadow. 

Please, please please, How much more? The promised land, and step 12. The last step to the light. 12 Fruit's Of The Tree.

Smashing Pumpkin's Bullet With Butterfly Wings

t know

Timeline Of Symptoms

I'm going to go back to when my pain was out of control. I rarely served I switched to being a Hostess most of the time. I got my Chiropractor to order a full x-ray instead of doctors and insurances piece mealing me, Patronizing me. (he did not charge me and I didn't want to take him for granted) I wanted an answer a diagnosis. I have put up with two knives between my shoulder blades that had developed knot's all across back under and over shoulder blades. My sister and I already had chronic migraines, inherited from both sides. this was 3/2015

After that we both got in a car accident. I got whiplash on the left, my sister the right. My X stopped at the bottom of a ice hill knowing a car was coming up behind. He rear ended us. My C5 was slipped to the left, my sister in the opposite direction. We both lost our lives. our marriages, our homes then our livelihood. I have hit the pavement 3 times with neurologist and muscular specialist. In the beginning of February 2015 my Chiropractor ordered my X ray. My goal was that he could at least tell me. Give me a direction. I have been slowly declining. 

I took it up to the hospital to at least get a diagnosis. 

I hiked, danced, meditated, and prayed with a back pack on. I called it walking through the pain for 15 months. Daily for the first two months my walks were 10 to 15 miles. I slept great and for some reason no fear. 

In 2016 October and all that spring and summer 2016. total weakness. deep fatigue. Had stomach and intestine infection for a year and a half. In 2017, I walked 3 miles, ran sometimes, a mixture of yoga, tai chi, ballet and physical therapy to get hip sockets loose and back of legs. Physical therapy fucked me up. flared everything. The pain in back left leg and knots I rolled out an average of 4 times a day. trying to keep my leg moving then moved same thing into right. In October 2016 my hands and arms no longer worked.

I have had a number of appointments no one found anything. Been sent to physical therapy 11 times. I do it when I can now. For to many years by 2018 Michael my boyfriend carries me to restroom if I can't crawl or schooch. I have sat in urine and shite for hours waiting for Michael to get home. Then more all over weakness, then paralysis hips and legs. Years on and off.

Now it's finally shown up, DICP and something else now. Michael has threatened me to live in a home or have me leave cuz he can't always care for me. He will be going to work soon. I need bladder surgery, haven't did because to busy with shoulder, neck and left arm. Then it moved into right arm. Chest pain, stroke symptoms I have it all. Profusely puking. Med's food water.