THE DOGTER

Wow! It's been the most bizarre yet very educational last few weeks. So many reminders and so many time zones I walk through or they just keep popping up. As you can tell I have chilled a bit on my anger at daddy for awhile. For now some things will go back on the shelf. I'm not sure today how I feel. Probably the most calm in awhile. I don't mean panic and anxiety, more having to see things from a different perspective of the different things I have discovered about myself.

Oh yeah before I begin that last fortune cookie I read was the one after I moved. Into what dimension? Well that depends on who and what dimension and what time zone? I don't know if they are flashing me back or pushing me forward. As usual pissing me off. When I realized what this was really all about I was not happy, for a number of reasons. The one I opened after I had been going off on Dad. It basically said, "shut up and listen to someone else's advice." I laughed out loud and called him an asshole. It started to dawn on me a lil more that even though he just stands there not moving an inch as I vent my anger that is what I do with Alex. I could hear in my head, "aaannnnddd sheesss off." As things start to sink in and my anger grows and grows. So no I don't get anywhere. Part of that acceptance thing when your daddies, God. You know the BIG D in the sky?

Choices? Nope! Apparently not when your on some mission I had no clue about in the first place. So many things have sunk in and yes, I smoke and I pace. Not so anyone will notice. Waiting. waiting, waiting everywhere I go everything I do. Figured out my next poison. Next scam. I just knew on moving day, star date 10/3/2016 I awoke at 444 a.m. On the shuttle by 6:15, and at the corner stands a man waving his arms. Of all people a blind man named Jessie, veteran. Late 60's, early 70's. Jessie is trying to get home to Kansas of all places, but in the mean time he needs to get to Seattle. I had been worrying that my back wasn't going to get through moving day, but I woke up feeling pretty good. I was shuffling along in front of Jessie and he asks me, "Colleen is my bag to heavy?" In my head it sinks in I'm carrying a blind mans bag from the service and I yelled up at God, "are you fucking kidding me God? I had to carry yet again another bag? I didn't even realize what I was doing.

It's like that all the time out here. I mean could you really stand and watch some old lady hurting trying to carry out those heavy cots, big bags, tripping in the mud, just to have a bed and they hurt? Their bones atrophied, muscles weakened. Yup this system sets you up to have a weak core. Some of these churches had us go in doors the furthest away from the trailer. You know out of the way. Some would hold services late and leave the women out in the cold and rain. One thing I notice out here also is allot of blown out disc in spines, back problems up the yin yang and it's not from the back pack.

Tried taking Jessie to the closest location, went to Salvation Army and they wouldn't even let him in. Me and Michael had to take him to the warmest place, tried calling the Veterans office, but no one was in. Michael gave him some cash and again my last pack of smokes said our goodbye's in a Starbucks. God Damn give these people back their tobacco. It doesn't mater where I am at someone wants a smoke. Literally cars have driven by me, gone down the road stopped the car, ran up a hill to ask for a smoke. I am so not the tobacco fairy anymore. Michael said something about helping him, and I turned trying not to cry, did we Michael? We had to go sign papers for a apartment that wasn't even finished. Imagine that. Another scam, another poison, stewing or brewing I never know anymore. So I write.

So yes, I call my family assholes. Bitches and whatever else I feel like. I love them, I hate them, and yes I know they have my back. I mean really, some times they make me laugh. The ladies are wicked and well the brothers are crude. Like I didn't know that toilet on that gold mound wasn't a brothers idea of a sick sense of humor. I'm not sure at the time if I had clued in to that brother upstairs yet.

So apparently I'm a druid. Read up, not as bad as you might think. Now I really like my scary hat. I wondered about why I chose a starfish to wear around my neck? Family of five. Oh yes, I found another five. Not good. Found another white buffalo. Apparently the Lakota's weren't the only ones who had a white buffalo. Somewhere along the way before I realized my conversations were transferring over to God, I had found a green rock and put it in my pocket. Another gentleman on this journey handed me a green rock in the beginning. He had just lost three hundred and fifty million in a divorce. Since the beginning of this journey I had considered my green rocks the tree's.

Somewhere along the way I finally figured out my mothers name? I mean do I keep calling her Mother Nature or what? Then an FBI agent knocks on my door and ask for Mary. I've got fucking Mary's coming out of my ass. You would of thought I had figured that out by now. When they are one in the same it can be hard to tell. I guess the moods. Been catching up on some movies. You know the ones that are based on a true story from our history. We have our fantasy. The last interesting one I finally watched was Snow White and the Huntsman. Who knew Snow White had a sister named Freya? Like I haven't figured out my mother on this planet and up there. The storm, the black cloud. Let's talk about that Wicked Witch from the West? That house of cards I brought down. Then the flash of Glenda the good witch behind me. Does anyone even know who Snow White or Freya's mother really is? Truly my mother can be a real bitch. Who do you think is here to freeze hell over?

When I stepped out of the woods one morning I felt a chill. I caught myself calling my mother a bitch. For a split second I thought "oh shit, then I laughed, and said well isn't that just the point. That was end of September sometime.  I think it was last week sometime a woman on the bus said, "she heard the devil is a woman this time. I had to ponder it then it started to Dawn on me, ant/aunt. Big ant in the ground, lil ant above the ground. Not happy. Let's just say in so many way's inside me I feel this, "if the mother ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Something that simple and we joke about it everyday and it is so true. I find it interesting how when I look at the titles of movies I see allot of the same themes. One caught my eye. A group of people who think they can all survive in a building on just food and water, then the truth comes out when resources run low.

In our advertising alone we see all these one eye's. The minions for example, those cute lil one eye's. Haven't watched it yet. I wonder who they are enslaved to? I kept getting taken back to scene after scene with my ex as I move through my days. The set up all along. I kept hearing the word sociopath for a couple of days. Thought I should look it along with narcissist my dear sweet mommy dearest. OMFG! Are you kidding me? A sociopath feels no empathy. Love you like behavior in the beginning but if you let them down, well lets just say your toast. The lazy ass entitled behavior with a smile on his face, charming as a fucking snake. He had so any pillows I couldn't fit in my king size bed. Telling me if I'm sure I hurt enough to go to the hospital while I'm down on all fours. I'd been up for three nights and he was asleep on the couch the whole time. Then he tells me I am not to blame him or say any such thing to him before I go in to deliver her.

Every happy occasion for me, every tragedy, yeah Greg was there alright. Nit picking me, whispering in my ear. Don't be rude Colleen? What will other people see Colleen? Every time something happened Greg would go get me to fix it. I'd find out what's going on and every time I'd turn around and that man would be gone. We were on a trip to somewhere another couple we were with were arguing. It was late and dark. Snowing and icy. My friend Stephanie looked at him and couldn't believe he left me to walk alone through that village and those side roads all alone.

I had to fight or actually I didn't fight, we discussed or rather whatever, I got nowhere. For example Alex had cavities. Remember cavities spread? Like wildfire, just like her mother. I couldn't get him to let me take her to a dentist. Always, a debate, always a wait around, to get out of paying for something. Always the most basic necessities was a fight.

The one time I left my children at ski class to go to a tea party, I see Greg going up the off ramp and I'm going down the on ramp. I come home and Alex's face and mouth are bleeding and swollen, one front tooth is broken and hanging half way out. She is lying on her bed crying and Greg is watching TV. I just looked at him and all I said was, "you didn't even take her to the hospital?" I didn't have to yell it did me no good. I came from a mother who screamed and yelled so no I wasn't going to do that to them. I am loud, I speak loud, yes, I can get Italian. I am a human being. Apparently I'm about to get a lil black.

Just the comparison of the two and it answered so many questions for me and my sister. One's not capable and the other has a agenda for you from the very beginning. I see this in our behaviors toward each other and well let's just say this sociopath reminds me allot like our system. So yeah my X is the missing link I've been looking for. I could never figure out how he could refer patients after a x-ray to get a spot looked at but I swore to God every time it came down to getting any kind of service from Greg it was minimum three days later.

He would insist that I needed a massage from him. Greg's massages were this superficial rub down. The whole time I'm laying there and I'd feel his hand go over knot's between my shoulder blade and just need him to push on it for a minute, or thrust down between my shoulder blades. He always told me what I needed. Never listen to what I needed. He would tell me he's not a masseuse, or it's not that kind of massage for this time. One evening I just needed to shut down and stop moving. I turned on The Drew Carey Show. A show we once watched together. He comes up behind me and he said, "why don't you watch something with more educational."

Oregon. Fucking Oregon again. The dairy farm and riding through wolves lined up along a road from the woods to the house, after she ran a mini bike up a tree and left me in the woods. Greg leaving me alone on a river bank in Oregon. Somewhere in the redwood forest. Our first trip back from California, that looking back I paid for. Who invites a woman on a trip and only brings fifty bucks? A one week trip, then when I was hungry I had asked if he could stop and get something? I didn't care what. If I get to hungry, I get weak and really tired. I told him that and he kept driving. Finally after an hour, I lift my head up and I realize all he has driven by. I get angry, what in the hell are you doing? I need food. It was my money even. I couldn't figure why he ever hooked up with me, and the only thing is the twelve hundred bucks in my ash tray when I got stranded one night in the snow. Locked my fucking keys in my car. After I had Alex I had to get four sets of keys. You'd swear I had a ghost.

Taking Alex to the doctor and he had all of my keys in his bag. I gave that man three jobs to do, bigger than normal. Big boy job even. Made sure he had everything he needed, set it all up and each time he sabotaged it, didn't do what I asked, changed the plans without letting me know. Each time I was with my family. Looking back he was punishing me. The house he would trash the first time I let him down. Couldn't even pick up his laundry that I set neatly in my front yard with the picture of his stalker, that if he'd just told me I'd met her in the parking lot. One conversation looking back is all it would take. Couldn't get him to get pay checks that were owed him because he was embarrassed to say we need the money. My God this guy graduated before you. Dr. Chan. years earlier.

Twice I got him to meet me in the back of the house and I shut all three doors in between me and Alex. I'd check on the lil shit, I'd see and hear the door handle, so now I get to put Alex back to bed. Once I kicked a empty laundry basket. I didn't say anything, it went about a foot. Greg was like look at you Colleen, your so out of control." The things people were telling me well after the divorce. I didn't even ask these people or know some of them. Just the rumors Greg and Mary spread about me to their new employees in my office. That I am a big time drug addict. People thought I was a waste land of meth and heroine. That I am this crazy out of control woman.

When I called a lawyer, it turned out to be Mary's soon to be x-husbands divorce lawyer. Of all the lawyers for me to call. She didn't divulge anything about Bills divorce, but she gave me a run down about how Mary met Greg. After that she was on line every night on a mission to destroy me. Counseling on line degree, how to remove a persons name off of a business license. How to open bank accounts without her name and stop using the other accounts. Oh and Greg said she is a nice lady to do all this for free. She gave Greg a bill for twelve thousand dollars. After Greg sits on my couch to tell me he and Mary are going out to celebrate their new contract. Comedy and dinner. We didn't even celebrate our wedding anniversary.

The allowance they gave me for groceries for me and the girls. It went toward gas, any extra school stuff that came up, and oh my credit card bill for a hundred and fifty bucks. Did I tell anyone I never collected a paycheck for two years? I was the designer, the gopher, the cleaning lady, the book keeper, the receptionist, the insurance collector, the debt collector. When I tired to send people to collections Greg thought it would be rude of me. What is rude is my neighbors not coming in to discuss the bills with me in the first place. P.R. at night. Dinner parties, holidays, I even dressed as the Easter Bunny and handed out Easter Eggs. Then I watch Greg come in with his own groceries and wow, cook his own food even. Finally I asked him, how did you pay for this? Greg had been getting the same amount for himself.

I cut all four of our dogs hair, I trimmed my bangs. Did my own hair. I cut Greg's hair and our daughters hair. Every four to six months I'd get a haircut at Gene Juarez, where I was a hair designer and I'd get the talk about wasting money. In the beginning Greg always wanted to share our food. After awhile like years, it started to dawn on me that I don't like Greg's food. I might take a bite, and well I'd start to want different stuff. After my kids, I truly never got one banana without it being split in to thirds. Grab a chicken breast out the door. It started to Dawn on me that I'm hungry and Greg  would tell me I'm selfish for not sharing my food, but he is mad at me because Alex wants a bite off his plate after he gets home?

For once I got him to stop off at a burger joint to get milkshakes and French fries. I order a large and Greg said to me if I get a large I have to share with the girls. He didn't want to pay for two small fries and a large fry. He caused mold in my tent trailer and rats in my house cutting corners. I need to shift gears before I explode.

My Angel board
Taurine
A druids opening prayer. The decline, or so we thought. I was wondering why I was ready to chop off heads and I saw myself with a sword. Not sure if we did this already or is it coming up? What no one ever considered is that as mother nature declined so did her magic. I have discovered through every sect and tribe from going way back their is always a darkness to fight. We talk about it. It's in the bibles. We have gotten so far removed from mother nature and the good stuff we never considered that something else darker has been here all along trying to kill her off? It's in every story, good and evil, conspiracy, technology, the human race. I see anxiety in so many people I see going up or down.

Did it ever occur to anyone that God is a androgynous being? A celestial being? A spiritual being? I was wondering for awhile what all this bat shit behavior was all about. No I don't like being the mystery shopper from  hell. I don't like being the guinea pig. I don't like the medieval way my family moved my thoracic and lumbar out of the rigid kyphosis mode. Only to find out after over a year my own doctor wanted me to get a cortisone shot in my spine. Not against it, but it finally dawned on me she has no clue what she is dealing with. Quite frankly I need my spine and they mention surgery. To look like what I looked like eighteen months ago? No thanks. I don't need pills everyday. If you all turned off those poisonous clouds, that acid rain in my air I wouldn't need all this Sudafed that I discovered makes me pee.

So I discovered on this wonderful apple insurance a D.O., the dying breed of doctors. The whole muscular skeletal, whole body and spiritual doctor all wrapped up in one. I thought yea! I found one. It seems they are no longer accepting Apple Health. I wonder why. Maybe because the system doesn't want again the muscular skeletal spiritual healing kind of thing going on. Only one way. Even the medical doctors who accept this plan get tied up in paper work meeting more and more demands. I'm waiting to see if this doctor is honest with me and treats me or the insurance. Doctors don't treat the patient anymore. So now I get the impression that since they won't let me take over my own healthcare after I have tried so many times to hand it over. Looking back I kept going in for back pain and not one doctor figured it out. So no they will not put me back in that condition again and make that choice for the quality of my life again. Truth is I don't know if I am going to be healed after this. I'm not sure what all I agreed to.

I have asked daddy what's the big lie? I have figured out so many. What's the big lie? It's obvious this systems not going to heal me or live out the rest of my life the way I see fit, so it finally dawned on me I don't truly know how far my daddy is going to go with my spine and this system? I don't know if I agreed to look like the hunchback of this planet so my children, wouldn't have to?

As I sat here one day it started to dawn on me about my brother and sisters justice, my mothers storm, so what would my daddy's justice be? Then I said "Holy Shit! The Wrath!" I know I mentioned this stuff before but they take me around and I forget. They rile me up and pacify me sometimes. So I ask you this are any of you sitting in your one sect, pointing your fingers at each other blaming each other, are you fully ready for "THY KINGDOM COME THY WILL BE DONE?"

Are you ready for heaven to hit the earth? Are you ready to tell my daddy why you used his good name to get you elected? Did you poison his flock? Now is that very moral of you? Is it moral of you to represent freedom and not rise above the religion to feed the people? Is it moral of you to rape his wife over the coals over and over, poison her, treat her like trash, spit on her, you drain her of her essence and you charge mankind, mother natures children to feed your selves and line your pockets?
Are you ready to stand in front of your children when this hits? Do you even know where they're at? I watched that Dracula movie and again children slaves? Turns out in the end and agreement between a mother and father to end the slavery.

We are a generation that has been coming back around and around for this planet. The ones with the heavy shoulders are carrying the heavy loads right now. I can't do anything but stand back and wait until my daddy releases these straps that bind my wrist. I know my daddy can sound pretty scary as well as the rest of my family, I promise my daddy ain't gonna leave you with anything you don't already carry inside you.

Your heart.

Who's the sociopath now?