All of Me

I am sad. I am bewildered. I am horrified as I learn just who I am. My sister it seems is ahead of her time. She once called me, I was at the end of my pregnancy. She was screaming that all I do is run away. I remember looking around my living room and thinking, I got married moved to Sunnyvale for three years, came back bought a house in North Bend right after. I truly did not see that as running away. I left for a lil while and I returned.

As I sit crying, Where do you go when your God's daughter? Their is nowhere to hide and no one to call? My tears are not for fears for myself. It is others. My family. I want to explain but no one will let me speak. Oh Oh Oh the education I have gotten. What do I call my children's father? My X, who is my children's father who is a mentally ill sociopath who can't feel empathy. How can you feel love when you have no empathy? So yes he has a demon on his head. Just like the ones behind the curtain. I said earlier they cannot feel love. Then I discover their is a tenth planet called planet X.

Mar's my planet I notice is deplete of water and resources. I have discovered the annunaki, the gold from back in Egyptian time. That RH-blood. Not happy. That iron and copper. Not happy to learn I am the mother of all mothers and that the Illuminati who are controlling all of my planets resources using my Government who claims to represent God as their marionette puppets. Yes I know how it feels. You've been played, serving the wrong power or not how can you choose money over mankind? Using religion fear and money to control Gods flock. All to help these two take down the strongest nation all to take over this planet it's resources and mankind. You poison people for profit so five months of our tax dollars go in this entity this corporation behind the curtain.

They are cowards. Anything done behind your back to take down mankind as a whole is a coward and no they do not represent God. God is about love and humanity. I know why when Moses had that face off with the pharaoh with the staffs and well let's just say they lost. Even though God took the oldest sons he knew they were going home to heaven. What makes you think a celestial being like my Father doesn't see what is going on? Look all around you at the storms, the people dying, hurting and hungry, suffering in every nation because of these two brothers? My father does not hate, he is about love and justice to protect his wife and his planet for his children. You are God's flock, not theirs.

Pretty evil right to hold out a nice hand of gesture smile in your face, teach you all sorts of good things all so you become dependent, on the money and the system? Who blocks our good technology? Who blocks our good resources? Who charges a arm and a leg for the most basic human rights? From what I see by this system, both of them they create these barriers for food and help. They are already turning our children into slaves by controlling our schools, how we discipline and raise them, how we teach them. OMG! Everything they gave touched they have poisoned. They created the stigmata. The stigma on everything good in every country. Our spirituality, our medicine our food, our water, the technology. They create the poison. They are in control of your medicine. Your technology and create the labels on how you feel and how you love. Who you can love. Even by skin color and religion it creates separation. All across these borders. They create the fear and the war. They make our stocks by controlling the stock, controlling the people. They do not care about you, but I do. I don't want to hear black lives matter. I want to hear all lives matter.

Not happy to figure that I'm the aunt that has come back to fight this bitch. When I watched Revelation's and it got broken down about the first five stages then stage six, God's wrath. I know who I am. I don't give a fuck if I have their blood, they are not welcome on my rock. In any way shape or form anymore. I see the poison in the bibles the different one's not knowing if it's angel or E.T. Pretty angry about that. So much confusion because we are made to look in one area only and not outside the box. They control the media and they keep the blinders on you. They keep you hurting and stupid.

For Christ Sake, I am not the false prophet. When I saw and heard the reference about the sheep, goats and lamb, the ten horns, the seven lion heads. Then the eleventh horn. This lil mother and those ten daughters are mine you son of a bitch. I do not fear you. My body is just a shell of my true self. I My true heart. The love I carry inside me for my rock. My nation, All nations are mine, This is my ring of fire, my flower my seed, my rock. Take your fucking Gold and get the fuck off my rock. Who needs the fountain of youth when you got God? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. God is the healer, the one true healer. Heaven is about truth they know saw and love. Not condemnation and hell fire. Yes God has double duty up there to, you know the alien thing. The planet and the universe.

When I saw in The Kingsman, the cell phone signal that caused us to kill each other off, who controls our technology, even our social sights? Can't sign up for anything without a phone now a days. Who are they gonna call when this goes down? Yes it is true, I already wrote that, what does a demon do? He kills you spiritually and physically. Demons need a host. Kill the host or the host kills you. Look at the Truth inside your heart. Your heart is your soul and it belongs to my family. So yes, I will gladly bleed for my father. When I saw how those disciples didn't re-cant what they saw with their own eyes, what they heard with their own ears, and they still spoke the truth they did not re-cant.

Am I crazy or is this faith?

In my life I started with now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to take.

Then the Lords Prayer

Then the Serenity Prayer. Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom to know the difference. With each step I take

I don't know that Druids opening prayer so I will say my own,

From the North South East and West this rock is mine
His flock is my flock
From all in between, up above and below this rock is mine
This is my house,
This is my daddies house
This is my families sun in heaven and of this earth
This is my families moon in heaven and of this earth
These are my families twinkling stars
Get the fuck off my rock
My family was here first
My families here to stay

THE DOGTER

Wow! It's been the most bizarre yet very educational last few weeks. So many reminders and so many time zones I walk through or they just keep popping up. As you can tell I have chilled a bit on my anger at daddy for awhile. For now some things will go back on the shelf. I'm not sure today how I feel. Probably the most calm in awhile. I don't mean panic and anxiety, more having to see things from a different perspective of the different things I have discovered about myself.

Oh yeah before I begin that last fortune cookie I read was the one after I moved. Into what dimension? Well that depends on who and what dimension and what time zone? I don't know if they are flashing me back or pushing me forward. As usual pissing me off. When I realized what this was really all about I was not happy, for a number of reasons. The one I opened after I had been going off on Dad. It basically said, "shut up and listen to someone else's advice." I laughed out loud and called him an asshole. It started to dawn on me a lil more that even though he just stands there not moving an inch as I vent my anger that is what I do with Alex. I could hear in my head, "aaannnnddd sheesss off." As things start to sink in and my anger grows and grows. So no I don't get anywhere. Part of that acceptance thing when your daddies, God. You know the BIG D in the sky?

Choices? Nope! Apparently not when your on some mission I had no clue about in the first place. So many things have sunk in and yes, I smoke and I pace. Not so anyone will notice. Waiting. waiting, waiting everywhere I go everything I do. Figured out my next poison. Next scam. I just knew on moving day, star date 10/3/2016 I awoke at 444 a.m. On the shuttle by 6:15, and at the corner stands a man waving his arms. Of all people a blind man named Jessie, veteran. Late 60's, early 70's. Jessie is trying to get home to Kansas of all places, but in the mean time he needs to get to Seattle. I had been worrying that my back wasn't going to get through moving day, but I woke up feeling pretty good. I was shuffling along in front of Jessie and he asks me, "Colleen is my bag to heavy?" In my head it sinks in I'm carrying a blind mans bag from the service and I yelled up at God, "are you fucking kidding me God? I had to carry yet again another bag? I didn't even realize what I was doing.

It's like that all the time out here. I mean could you really stand and watch some old lady hurting trying to carry out those heavy cots, big bags, tripping in the mud, just to have a bed and they hurt? Their bones atrophied, muscles weakened. Yup this system sets you up to have a weak core. Some of these churches had us go in doors the furthest away from the trailer. You know out of the way. Some would hold services late and leave the women out in the cold and rain. One thing I notice out here also is allot of blown out disc in spines, back problems up the yin yang and it's not from the back pack.

Tried taking Jessie to the closest location, went to Salvation Army and they wouldn't even let him in. Me and Michael had to take him to the warmest place, tried calling the Veterans office, but no one was in. Michael gave him some cash and again my last pack of smokes said our goodbye's in a Starbucks. God Damn give these people back their tobacco. It doesn't mater where I am at someone wants a smoke. Literally cars have driven by me, gone down the road stopped the car, ran up a hill to ask for a smoke. I am so not the tobacco fairy anymore. Michael said something about helping him, and I turned trying not to cry, did we Michael? We had to go sign papers for a apartment that wasn't even finished. Imagine that. Another scam, another poison, stewing or brewing I never know anymore. So I write.

So yes, I call my family assholes. Bitches and whatever else I feel like. I love them, I hate them, and yes I know they have my back. I mean really, some times they make me laugh. The ladies are wicked and well the brothers are crude. Like I didn't know that toilet on that gold mound wasn't a brothers idea of a sick sense of humor. I'm not sure at the time if I had clued in to that brother upstairs yet.

So apparently I'm a druid. Read up, not as bad as you might think. Now I really like my scary hat. I wondered about why I chose a starfish to wear around my neck? Family of five. Oh yes, I found another five. Not good. Found another white buffalo. Apparently the Lakota's weren't the only ones who had a white buffalo. Somewhere along the way before I realized my conversations were transferring over to God, I had found a green rock and put it in my pocket. Another gentleman on this journey handed me a green rock in the beginning. He had just lost three hundred and fifty million in a divorce. Since the beginning of this journey I had considered my green rocks the tree's.

Somewhere along the way I finally figured out my mothers name? I mean do I keep calling her Mother Nature or what? Then an FBI agent knocks on my door and ask for Mary. I've got fucking Mary's coming out of my ass. You would of thought I had figured that out by now. When they are one in the same it can be hard to tell. I guess the moods. Been catching up on some movies. You know the ones that are based on a true story from our history. We have our fantasy. The last interesting one I finally watched was Snow White and the Huntsman. Who knew Snow White had a sister named Freya? Like I haven't figured out my mother on this planet and up there. The storm, the black cloud. Let's talk about that Wicked Witch from the West? That house of cards I brought down. Then the flash of Glenda the good witch behind me. Does anyone even know who Snow White or Freya's mother really is? Truly my mother can be a real bitch. Who do you think is here to freeze hell over?

When I stepped out of the woods one morning I felt a chill. I caught myself calling my mother a bitch. For a split second I thought "oh shit, then I laughed, and said well isn't that just the point. That was end of September sometime.  I think it was last week sometime a woman on the bus said, "she heard the devil is a woman this time. I had to ponder it then it started to Dawn on me, ant/aunt. Big ant in the ground, lil ant above the ground. Not happy. Let's just say in so many way's inside me I feel this, "if the mother ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Something that simple and we joke about it everyday and it is so true. I find it interesting how when I look at the titles of movies I see allot of the same themes. One caught my eye. A group of people who think they can all survive in a building on just food and water, then the truth comes out when resources run low.

In our advertising alone we see all these one eye's. The minions for example, those cute lil one eye's. Haven't watched it yet. I wonder who they are enslaved to? I kept getting taken back to scene after scene with my ex as I move through my days. The set up all along. I kept hearing the word sociopath for a couple of days. Thought I should look it along with narcissist my dear sweet mommy dearest. OMFG! Are you kidding me? A sociopath feels no empathy. Love you like behavior in the beginning but if you let them down, well lets just say your toast. The lazy ass entitled behavior with a smile on his face, charming as a fucking snake. He had so any pillows I couldn't fit in my king size bed. Telling me if I'm sure I hurt enough to go to the hospital while I'm down on all fours. I'd been up for three nights and he was asleep on the couch the whole time. Then he tells me I am not to blame him or say any such thing to him before I go in to deliver her.

Every happy occasion for me, every tragedy, yeah Greg was there alright. Nit picking me, whispering in my ear. Don't be rude Colleen? What will other people see Colleen? Every time something happened Greg would go get me to fix it. I'd find out what's going on and every time I'd turn around and that man would be gone. We were on a trip to somewhere another couple we were with were arguing. It was late and dark. Snowing and icy. My friend Stephanie looked at him and couldn't believe he left me to walk alone through that village and those side roads all alone.

I had to fight or actually I didn't fight, we discussed or rather whatever, I got nowhere. For example Alex had cavities. Remember cavities spread? Like wildfire, just like her mother. I couldn't get him to let me take her to a dentist. Always, a debate, always a wait around, to get out of paying for something. Always the most basic necessities was a fight.

The one time I left my children at ski class to go to a tea party, I see Greg going up the off ramp and I'm going down the on ramp. I come home and Alex's face and mouth are bleeding and swollen, one front tooth is broken and hanging half way out. She is lying on her bed crying and Greg is watching TV. I just looked at him and all I said was, "you didn't even take her to the hospital?" I didn't have to yell it did me no good. I came from a mother who screamed and yelled so no I wasn't going to do that to them. I am loud, I speak loud, yes, I can get Italian. I am a human being. Apparently I'm about to get a lil black.

Just the comparison of the two and it answered so many questions for me and my sister. One's not capable and the other has a agenda for you from the very beginning. I see this in our behaviors toward each other and well let's just say this sociopath reminds me allot like our system. So yeah my X is the missing link I've been looking for. I could never figure out how he could refer patients after a x-ray to get a spot looked at but I swore to God every time it came down to getting any kind of service from Greg it was minimum three days later.

He would insist that I needed a massage from him. Greg's massages were this superficial rub down. The whole time I'm laying there and I'd feel his hand go over knot's between my shoulder blade and just need him to push on it for a minute, or thrust down between my shoulder blades. He always told me what I needed. Never listen to what I needed. He would tell me he's not a masseuse, or it's not that kind of massage for this time. One evening I just needed to shut down and stop moving. I turned on The Drew Carey Show. A show we once watched together. He comes up behind me and he said, "why don't you watch something with more educational."

Oregon. Fucking Oregon again. The dairy farm and riding through wolves lined up along a road from the woods to the house, after she ran a mini bike up a tree and left me in the woods. Greg leaving me alone on a river bank in Oregon. Somewhere in the redwood forest. Our first trip back from California, that looking back I paid for. Who invites a woman on a trip and only brings fifty bucks? A one week trip, then when I was hungry I had asked if he could stop and get something? I didn't care what. If I get to hungry, I get weak and really tired. I told him that and he kept driving. Finally after an hour, I lift my head up and I realize all he has driven by. I get angry, what in the hell are you doing? I need food. It was my money even. I couldn't figure why he ever hooked up with me, and the only thing is the twelve hundred bucks in my ash tray when I got stranded one night in the snow. Locked my fucking keys in my car. After I had Alex I had to get four sets of keys. You'd swear I had a ghost.

Taking Alex to the doctor and he had all of my keys in his bag. I gave that man three jobs to do, bigger than normal. Big boy job even. Made sure he had everything he needed, set it all up and each time he sabotaged it, didn't do what I asked, changed the plans without letting me know. Each time I was with my family. Looking back he was punishing me. The house he would trash the first time I let him down. Couldn't even pick up his laundry that I set neatly in my front yard with the picture of his stalker, that if he'd just told me I'd met her in the parking lot. One conversation looking back is all it would take. Couldn't get him to get pay checks that were owed him because he was embarrassed to say we need the money. My God this guy graduated before you. Dr. Chan. years earlier.

Twice I got him to meet me in the back of the house and I shut all three doors in between me and Alex. I'd check on the lil shit, I'd see and hear the door handle, so now I get to put Alex back to bed. Once I kicked a empty laundry basket. I didn't say anything, it went about a foot. Greg was like look at you Colleen, your so out of control." The things people were telling me well after the divorce. I didn't even ask these people or know some of them. Just the rumors Greg and Mary spread about me to their new employees in my office. That I am a big time drug addict. People thought I was a waste land of meth and heroine. That I am this crazy out of control woman.

When I called a lawyer, it turned out to be Mary's soon to be x-husbands divorce lawyer. Of all the lawyers for me to call. She didn't divulge anything about Bills divorce, but she gave me a run down about how Mary met Greg. After that she was on line every night on a mission to destroy me. Counseling on line degree, how to remove a persons name off of a business license. How to open bank accounts without her name and stop using the other accounts. Oh and Greg said she is a nice lady to do all this for free. She gave Greg a bill for twelve thousand dollars. After Greg sits on my couch to tell me he and Mary are going out to celebrate their new contract. Comedy and dinner. We didn't even celebrate our wedding anniversary.

The allowance they gave me for groceries for me and the girls. It went toward gas, any extra school stuff that came up, and oh my credit card bill for a hundred and fifty bucks. Did I tell anyone I never collected a paycheck for two years? I was the designer, the gopher, the cleaning lady, the book keeper, the receptionist, the insurance collector, the debt collector. When I tired to send people to collections Greg thought it would be rude of me. What is rude is my neighbors not coming in to discuss the bills with me in the first place. P.R. at night. Dinner parties, holidays, I even dressed as the Easter Bunny and handed out Easter Eggs. Then I watch Greg come in with his own groceries and wow, cook his own food even. Finally I asked him, how did you pay for this? Greg had been getting the same amount for himself.

I cut all four of our dogs hair, I trimmed my bangs. Did my own hair. I cut Greg's hair and our daughters hair. Every four to six months I'd get a haircut at Gene Juarez, where I was a hair designer and I'd get the talk about wasting money. In the beginning Greg always wanted to share our food. After awhile like years, it started to dawn on me that I don't like Greg's food. I might take a bite, and well I'd start to want different stuff. After my kids, I truly never got one banana without it being split in to thirds. Grab a chicken breast out the door. It started to Dawn on me that I'm hungry and Greg  would tell me I'm selfish for not sharing my food, but he is mad at me because Alex wants a bite off his plate after he gets home?

For once I got him to stop off at a burger joint to get milkshakes and French fries. I order a large and Greg said to me if I get a large I have to share with the girls. He didn't want to pay for two small fries and a large fry. He caused mold in my tent trailer and rats in my house cutting corners. I need to shift gears before I explode.

My Angel board
Taurine
A druids opening prayer. The decline, or so we thought. I was wondering why I was ready to chop off heads and I saw myself with a sword. Not sure if we did this already or is it coming up? What no one ever considered is that as mother nature declined so did her magic. I have discovered through every sect and tribe from going way back their is always a darkness to fight. We talk about it. It's in the bibles. We have gotten so far removed from mother nature and the good stuff we never considered that something else darker has been here all along trying to kill her off? It's in every story, good and evil, conspiracy, technology, the human race. I see anxiety in so many people I see going up or down.

Did it ever occur to anyone that God is a androgynous being? A celestial being? A spiritual being? I was wondering for awhile what all this bat shit behavior was all about. No I don't like being the mystery shopper from  hell. I don't like being the guinea pig. I don't like the medieval way my family moved my thoracic and lumbar out of the rigid kyphosis mode. Only to find out after over a year my own doctor wanted me to get a cortisone shot in my spine. Not against it, but it finally dawned on me she has no clue what she is dealing with. Quite frankly I need my spine and they mention surgery. To look like what I looked like eighteen months ago? No thanks. I don't need pills everyday. If you all turned off those poisonous clouds, that acid rain in my air I wouldn't need all this Sudafed that I discovered makes me pee.

So I discovered on this wonderful apple insurance a D.O., the dying breed of doctors. The whole muscular skeletal, whole body and spiritual doctor all wrapped up in one. I thought yea! I found one. It seems they are no longer accepting Apple Health. I wonder why. Maybe because the system doesn't want again the muscular skeletal spiritual healing kind of thing going on. Only one way. Even the medical doctors who accept this plan get tied up in paper work meeting more and more demands. I'm waiting to see if this doctor is honest with me and treats me or the insurance. Doctors don't treat the patient anymore. So now I get the impression that since they won't let me take over my own healthcare after I have tried so many times to hand it over. Looking back I kept going in for back pain and not one doctor figured it out. So no they will not put me back in that condition again and make that choice for the quality of my life again. Truth is I don't know if I am going to be healed after this. I'm not sure what all I agreed to.

I have asked daddy what's the big lie? I have figured out so many. What's the big lie? It's obvious this systems not going to heal me or live out the rest of my life the way I see fit, so it finally dawned on me I don't truly know how far my daddy is going to go with my spine and this system? I don't know if I agreed to look like the hunchback of this planet so my children, wouldn't have to?

As I sat here one day it started to dawn on me about my brother and sisters justice, my mothers storm, so what would my daddy's justice be? Then I said "Holy Shit! The Wrath!" I know I mentioned this stuff before but they take me around and I forget. They rile me up and pacify me sometimes. So I ask you this are any of you sitting in your one sect, pointing your fingers at each other blaming each other, are you fully ready for "THY KINGDOM COME THY WILL BE DONE?"

Are you ready for heaven to hit the earth? Are you ready to tell my daddy why you used his good name to get you elected? Did you poison his flock? Now is that very moral of you? Is it moral of you to represent freedom and not rise above the religion to feed the people? Is it moral of you to rape his wife over the coals over and over, poison her, treat her like trash, spit on her, you drain her of her essence and you charge mankind, mother natures children to feed your selves and line your pockets?
Are you ready to stand in front of your children when this hits? Do you even know where they're at? I watched that Dracula movie and again children slaves? Turns out in the end and agreement between a mother and father to end the slavery.

We are a generation that has been coming back around and around for this planet. The ones with the heavy shoulders are carrying the heavy loads right now. I can't do anything but stand back and wait until my daddy releases these straps that bind my wrist. I know my daddy can sound pretty scary as well as the rest of my family, I promise my daddy ain't gonna leave you with anything you don't already carry inside you.

Your heart.

Who's the sociopath now?

Today I Hate You

You try finding out your JC"s lil sister in blood and essence. You try finding out what that seed meant that Ive been talking about. You try finding out the reason why these people do meth is because when you hurt so bad with no reprieve is that you will poison your body just to get a reprieve from the pain even for just one day. No matter how bad it hurts when you come down. Hell its not like these people haven't walked through the pain before.
Then try finding out they chose to poison their bodies with the LYE so mother nature won't have to. Yes I hate you.
You try finding out Michael is my vessel for my pain. You try finding out you have to hurt him. You try feeling like Im lying knowing the truth that this family has made sure I can't step away no matter what. So yes today I hate you.
You try finding out just why these alternative healthcare practitioners have been murdered mysteriously and knowing they are looking for someone like my children's father. Yes asshole I hate you.
OMFG I haven't even gotten to that bloodfire. That tree I sat in front of with the trucks and horses. You try finding out it's not just about your sisters. If I ever hear another man fucking complain or disrespect their mothers and sisters again after this fight I'll turn them all into toads.
To find out how much I hate you today and I'm not even close to being done.
To find out my whole life I have been taught not to respond or react to the injustice. To find out I have been trained to have a high tolerance to the pain and the poison my whole life you bet your sweet ass I hate you today.
When I finally got to my apartment and see a necklace with a big blue eye and a movie sitting next to it snow white and the seven dwarfs that no matter where I go on this journey they dont let me forget. Like the black wooden wolf mask hanging on my front door. Oh yeah the apartment number alone I should of known this was going to not be a reprieve. I mean the fucking eight slugs in my kitchen isn't enough. I finally make it out of those woods away from those disgusting things. So yes I hate you today.

I haven't looked up the word bethrothed but when I saw that woman in white in the end of Shanarra. I remembered that woman in white in the first month of this journey. At first I looked out her eyes and everything is white then I looked down upon her from the clouds she was surrounded by white and I didn't know if it was snow or ash? The hair alone dark curly hair down to her waist. Will the guy in the story line. I've been writting about Will. I've lost my will. Im not sure what that word fully means but if it means anyones buying me off I'm not for sale. So fuck you.

I had no mother fucking clue you yellow bellied pussy boy what this was all about. It just kept coming back to you. Then when it dawned on me what I wrote give me all your pain all your rage. I thought it was words.
I already figured out that you take things in and you don't release it. I wanted that rage for the fight. I wanted you out of everyone around me because I wanted you to win. I wanted you to be ready inside you then I learned what a ardeur is.
Now you fucking asshole your thirteen inches taller than me and I'm down to 106.6. You weigh two fifty. You do the math.

I promise you I don't care how bad this hurts. I promise you it's going to hurt me, just like our parents used to say before us, well not mine. It's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. I might be small but anything you do to me I give right back to you.

When I go back to when I said I'd rather take the pain on myself than to hurt someone else. I still for the life of me remember why I said that? That's why I walked away. The day I saw you in February and I couldn't bring myself to hurt a innocent. Your girlfriend. To me your an innocent so is mine and yours but when I figured out your name yes even I hate you today.

Don't you ever say those mother's don't got your back after this. Those women and that family above me doesn't give one flying fuck what I have to do down here to save this fucking rock. Which is mine.
I have learned on this journey I'm that big dick in the skies daughter and when it comes down to his family he can be a real asshole.

Don't worry he might be an asshole but he still makes me laugh to soften me up. I opened my fortune cookie and it said on the inside everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.

Weather you like it or not your the son/sun. Your God's son your our mothers sun. I'm God's daughter I'm my mother's moon. If anyone thinks our children are going to live in a fishbowl you think again.

Those armies that I felt were being built are those demons being released over time. Along with the system. The demons have changed over time that part I figured out. When I saw the troll demons that army thats just another set of what's going to hit this planet and head for our children. They wanted them this age and strong for a reason.
You brought me your numbers I bring you mine. So for today yes I hate you.

Big Daddy Issues

Big DADDY Issue's

I've lost my heart. I've lost my motivation. I've lost my drive. Truth be told I never cared about the power. My fury inside me is impalpable.
To discover I'm God's daughter this time? To discover I have been watched taking the hits from both sides? This flocking E.T. and Satan. To discover that my own Father has had the power to heal me this whole time and he never lifted a hand to heal me not once?
I'm not sure if I'm Eve from the Garden of Eden but if I was how does just that punishment fit the crime? If I have been coming back all these centuries to pay penance for that one apple when is enough enough?
I don't even know if it was JC in that garden? Had to of been. If the face of JC keeps coming back and changing then who the flock knows?
Common denominator are these two right here.
No they were not the first two beings. Not even close. This planet has been remodeled along with its occupants going way way back.
I know for a fact if I've been watched this closely then so the flock was Eve. No way she ate that forbidden fruit without God knowing.
Then when I screamed at him who is that black shadow God? Is it you? I remembered later that was not the case. I had just asked Cyn the name of the dishwasher that used to follow me around? Good times this name. I even went back and said are you sure its not the Russian dishwasher that used to kiss me on the cheek and tells me he loves me? No that would be to easy. Vladimir. A Mexican Vlad. Imagine that? Just keeps getting better.
So after it dawned on me just everything I went through pounding my fists on Gods chest grabbing him by the throat demanding he release my dogs.
Telling me who I really am watching me hurt flock this God shit. Neglect on me and this planet? Because of these two you could of gotten rid of so so long ago before everything got so out of hand? You watched only? I don't give a flock what I agreed to. I'm only human after all God. Having a human experience for mankind. Where the flock is the humanity man? The humane in humanity. The humane in the human? Just where the flock did this go?
Just how the flock do I forgive God my Father? I'm angry that after all I went through with that family upstairs from so many different perspectives each one. Then I find out I'm not finished? Now God wants a piece of me too?
Are you flocking kidding me? I mean who doesn't want face time with God right? The blessings in this family are just bountiful. Really?
You drop all this shit on me? I want none of what you have to offer. Keep your riches keep your mother flocking house. Keep your mother flocking jewels. I don't want no gold crown. I'm starting to feel like Eve in that garden. Maybe smarter this time? I have no idea what that fucking black snake offered?
So no God. keep what you offer. I know inside you'll protect me and my children for the greater good of mankind and your mother flocking son, but no God like I told my mother long ago, "you can't buy my love."
I don't want power God, I want justice. I want a simple life with good people. Heal them God. Hold my children, I will do as you ask living in a flocking society that gets to decide if and how I eat? I get scraps while they have a full plate. You keep or my guides, angels, brother's and sister's seem to come in from up above to make sure I am given just enough to get by and be thankful for my fathers blessings you bestow upon me.?
Ill just keep writing my discoveries moving along everyday wheather I hurt or not.
Sorry to bite the hand that feeds me. After what I have seen happen to my family all these centuries? I am angry at you. I can't for the first time ever on this journey let this one issue go?
I not only deserve an answer but my children do too? I'm just so angry I can't seem to hear or see you. Yes dad anger stems from pain too.
I know your hurting me and keeping me hurting to piss me off for my emotions all so I can become this families rabid bitch. Make me hungry and hurt enough, right dad? Abuse or Love? Love and hate are a fine line after all. Reminds me of those who abuse the dogs? Hurt them. Beat them. Starve them. Make them hungry. Make them mean. Cold hearted bitches right God?
My grandmother had it right when she burned her families documents at least she didn't want her children to be treated like dogs. Your love God to me is very cold. Just like my children's father.
Yes I have figured out this universal thought process is coming from you isn't it? Forgiveness this time I'm not sure how?
I have a twenty one year old who wants to marry a kid she met abroad. I'm angry because again God there is nothing I can do while I am out here to stop it. After what I have learned about commitments in this family and how loyal we women are to our husbands? Marriage of endurance right God? The other just waiting for her mother and you pull this shit? A postponement until after I am 49 years old? Another Christmas and other holidays without my children? I don't have a choice do I? I never did did I? Their is nothing inside me that would ever make me raise my hand and say yes God I'll do this? I'll hurt my children like this? Another man? Another postponement? Looking back out of the men who said they wanted to marry me. After awhile I realized I didn't want to marry them. Their egos so big it never dawned on them why that is?
So God I ask is this love or just part of the big evol plan? You claim to love my mother and your children. Yet you allow this to happen to your wife? Your daughter and her children for centuries? How is allowing others to be harmed in the bigger scheme of things good dad?
I get it? The lessons alone in humanity and mankind are huge but as a husband and father you should set a better example so we can actually learn what love really is? I'm still not feeling it. The only thing I have learned about honesty in this system is more purgatory and jails. More punishment for being truthful and honest. If your God then I'm here to tell you just as your daughter I deserve better from you and so do my children.
Truth is in the last few days since it finally sunk in that you were the one behind this all along Hope sunk. I realized all along you've been keeping Hope just afloat. Barely afloat when she sees the light God she soars. This whole journey I have never seen Hope slammed to the ground so many times and told to start over or not yet. This time God Hope can't get back up. Inside my heart God hope can't get back up. Not because I don't have Faith in you or me.
This job I had no idea I had my whole life but to find out you broke my heart? My own father broke my heart? You allowed this to be done to me? In doing this to me you did it to my children? In front of my children with my children? To be hurting and no help? The set up alone all the way around is horrifying God? Out of all the broken hearts you showed me I endured and why I was able to endure it for so long is because I was born with a broken heart and I didn't know any better? You did my Father my God and you either just watched or walked away. You have a cold heart. Not me God. Remember mine's just broken. You have the power to heal it and you wont. You have the power to heal my spine and you won't. You wanted honesty dad you got it. Crimes of the heart dad. Yours or Satan's? Is it my heart that's up for grabs dad? Is it my heart that you sacrificed and put on the line all these centuries or is it your precious sons?
Today I'm here for my mother's, my children. Not for you. You can keep your precious son. Oh yeah God don't worry I'll be sure to stay loyal. Don't worry I know my place. Right where you put me. Purgatory. 

A Man Again God?

I was sitting in my tent and it finally dawned on me  what this is all about? Lets just say I got this sinking feeling then along with that sunrise
so did my rage.
God you set me up?
You made me look like a fool
All for a man?
All for a man, God?
A Mother Flocking man God?
Again God?
You put me through hell
All for a man?
You mother flocking bet I'm pissed off.
Oh I'm raging
My fire is raging inside of me
You flocking bet I want answers
If I'm the God Daughter
I'm here for a reason
Why God? Why all the pain God?
Why all the burdens God?
Where's the Love God?
All I'm feeling is pain God
If I'm your daughter for this long
Where's my beef cake?
Wheres my healing touch?
You make me look like the fool
All for a man again God?
It's always all about Him God
I don't care if I'm my mother's daughter
The April Fool's Child
I don't care if I'm the Joker
This families last laugh
This families only hope
I want to know again God
Why I'm left to carry the load?
I want to know why I'm out here
All alone, towing the line?
Again God always searching some body else's soul
What about mine God?
When are you going to feed my soul?
When are we going to get to my pain?
When am I going to get the healing touch?
When Does someone else get to feel my pain?
So I ask again God
Where's the love?
You set me up
You show me my family line
All murdered generations back
You clear a pathway right for my children
You made quite the bee line
Yeah I'm pissed off
I never wanted any of this
I didn't want no man
I dont want to be no princes bride
I don't want to be any queen of no land
I don't want to be queen of no rock
I ain't never had no desire for no crown
Yes God, you bet this pisses me off
This royalty shit is a pain in my ass, not yours
The Joker
The Queen of Hearts
The Fool
You bet I'm pissed off
You set me up God Dammit
And I want to club somebody
If I'm the Ace of spades
If I'm the diamond in the rough
Where's my rough rider God?
Just where the flock is my white knight?
Where's my thunder?
Where's my lightening rod?
Where's my raging storm?
Lets get this ground to quaking
Now stop dangling that carrot
Im tired of being the work mule
Carrying the load
Towing this families line
Out here all alone
Even when I'm with someone else
I'm alone, you know that
Where's my love God?
Wheres my light God?
Where the flock is my heart you show me?
Now you want a extension
No God I have to say, still feeling only pain
No God I'm not feeling no Love
Not even a clear view of Mt. Rainier
Not from my perspective anyways
So yeah you can say God
I'm flocking pissed off at you
Wheres the love God?
Who's gonna feel my pain God?
Who's gonna take on my rage God?
I don't want to feel someone else's soul God.
I wanna feel the Love
I wanna feel the Light
You got me talking about
Where's all the Love God?

Entity

Dumb shits. You called my flag garbage. Does the artist sketch of the football player that took the air out of the balls look familiar?  Nine ant hills on my way to work every morning. Tunneling through our planet with advanced technology. The face in my woods of that big antman behind the iron curtain. Is this who you want you children to serve? Is this what you want to enslave them to? Native land. Mt. Si. And im the crazy log lady? Get the flock off my rock. My blood. My DNA. My bone. My rock. My family. My family was here first and my families here to stay. The face of the evil behind tbat iron curtain. 

 

The Rose

I now know why this song cuts so deep. I know why the rose is red and bloody. Just one bloody tear drop can be so heavy. Now I wonder how do you give God back his bloody tear drop. Always wondered why I never could donate one tiny drop. That families red stain.  Each time my iron to deplete. Always wondered why that is. One of mine passes out it drains her of her essence her energy. One quart she is sapped. The other universal.
Anna's come back around only its Anastasia. Isn't she lost or is she found. Maybe it is just folklore. An old wives tail.
Kennedy curse. My families curse. Two uncles down. My uncle John. My uncle Bobby. Two brothers shot dead. Rose frontal lobatamy. Sins of thy fathers ego. Uncle Ted black swill curse. Michael and rape. John and Carolyn go down in a plane. Is that my J? Is that my C? My JC who went down in a plane for me? How long has it been now?
Trying to make someone they are not. Looking back way back to those Egyptian tomb and others i have now discovered my family tree. One common denominator? All murdered throughout time. Slavery to this system goes way back in my family. Now the first family? Please Scotty beam me up.
Conversing with that Big Dog today told me I don't need a lawyer to represent me. For I have God.
When you ask how I'm doing? Well this bloody tear drop got heavy.
Sitting in that Gold field crying my mothers tears. I just let them flow. I stopped. Looked to my left. I said Oh shit! What about God? If I have had to feel my sisters pain. My brothers pain. My mothers pain too. You bet your ass I asked Oh shit! What about God? How am I going to feel God's pain. In his words only. Brutal. Horrifying brutal truth no matter how gentle. My Fathers Truth hurts. Truth is Our Mother Our Father are deeply saddened inside. This pain i dont want to feel. You bow to a entity you feed it but you cant honor the morher? You cant do your job and serve a nation for your true mother and true father? This mother has a heartbeat and feels love. This planets heart beats red. It burns with hot lava. Ring of fire burns then comes the rain.
His justice for those who did not serve there nations by feeding there people. Should know to honor Gods Name to serve any nation you do not serve religion. You serve God by serving mother nature and her children. Instead you chose to poison his family his rock all to enslave our nation for profit and gain on mankind.
I thought my sister and brothers justice was brutal. Well just wait till you feel God's. You might have a clearing upstairs but its gonna hurt right here. Yeah conversations wirh God. What can I say Trurh hurts on both sides of this family tree. You poison one leaf you poison them all.
You poison that washington with all your greed. You poison my washington my family tree. My spine you coiled like a snake. You feed that corporation that entity there you grew it here.
Clash of the Titans coming on. The end of the Quaran
The end to Revelations. Is my families revolution. You wanted a solution. Two days two nights we shut this system down.