You know Satan, I learned early on the day I couldn't move Michael. He just stood there with his arms crossed across his chest. He started to wear his hair a lil longer, the breeze was blowing against him. I could see a ten year old boy inside him. He had dark hair, a red shirt and dark circles around his eyes. This boy did not look well. Standing behind that little boy was a egyptian woman on the right with her hand positioned out to the right. Then the figure on the left was male, the same pose with his left hand. It was somewhere around the first week in July 2015. At V's house. The same place I heard the horses run up behind me.
Again my fist out to my sides. I yelled and I cried, "Michael why can't I move you? Michael I have always been able to move you." I kept crying and saying it. It was then that I ran into my camper. It was open to my Facebook page and right where a picture of my two daughter used to be was gone. It was my favorite picture. People always asked me if they were twins. I got them matching lil yellow Easter dresses with big sun hats for their lil heads. They looked like two lil sunflowers.
No I wasn't happy when I saw their picture gone and in it's place the word outcast was in big letters across my screen where their lil happy faces used to be. I got on my Facebook page and I went off. It was like a big fist coming down inside me. The rage inside me. I said something like "who the fuck has been fucking with my Facebook? Where the fuck is my ROCK? It seems and I didn't even know it that I have been on a hunt for warrior number one. Well Satan from their more hits kept coming. I mean WTF brother was that?
I must of already did the river of blood flow ritual by then because what happened between me and Michael after that. Well Satan that was some fucked up shit you pulled on me. What was it seventeen days V spent in the mental institution? When she came back that woman was full on manic. I was so thankful Katie left for the night to a friends house. V brought home a man from the mental institution. His name was Matthew. Mathew was off his rocker. I spent time with Matthew. I just listened to his words and the crazy shit he was saying. I knew instantly this one was a opposite right away. They say things that are opposite of how they feel inside. I mean polar opposite words. These words are the key when I listen and watch. He said my family was the evil of this planet. Something to that effect. So again Satan the word family comes up. I don't care what anyone says. No I'm not married to Michael or will I ever be, but Michael is my family. What had it been for us at this time?
Twelve years of friendship and six years of dating. Talk about a six year itch Satan? I had already made a commitment to V when I went into her garage and sat down. I had already seen the weapons all over the house. She had already told me about a troll that lived under her house. I went into the garage after I heard the horses. I realized then that that is why V asked us to move in six months before. She was scared of her house. I felt horrible. Truth be told I am not living with this woman and all her grand ideas of how others should live their life. So many women she reeled in to live there to help them. Then at whim toss them out. So no when Michael told me she wanted us to move in six months before, "I looked at Michael and I said, "you know those woods in back, one of us will end up buried back their and that someone ain't gonna be me."
I loved V but not on your life do I have any desire to live with this one. Fuck that shit. Here I am in a camper in her backyard right when the house we lived in sold. Timing. I should of went to V's then and found out for myself what was going on. So I made the commitment I would find out what was going on. I would find out what was scaring her in a house she has lived in for more than twelve years.
It was right before this went down that out of the blue V shows up at our house. She has never in her life done this. You see V's pattern is to try to rule Michael with a iron fist from afar. Not around me did she pull this shit. Michael's mother was bi-polar and a hoarder. His father a alcoholic. He was called the ugly duckling by his uncles. He has a brother Mark who is two years younger. I kept feeling a fight in the beginning between brother and brother. I didn't know anything about this Cain and Abel at the time did I Satan?
I was on the back deck. My room mate who has a meth addict for a son had just destroyed my oil pipe. The oil with THC and CBD for pain. He thought it was a meth pipe. I understood it, he denied it, but I was pissed off. I got a steel nail and pipe and it was a steal at just the right time in my life. I had just put out a joint and V pulls up in her big blue truck. She sat across from me saying some unusual stuff. T zone of her face. I never realized how much V looked like my brother in her T-Zone. She was telling me that no matter what happens I will always have a home with her and be welcome. I had no idea what that meant. By the looks of V's house she had it set up for a take down. That bulk food you order on line. That garage was a supply shelter for a storm. Batteries, flashlights, candles and water proof matches. V is the one who out of the blue the summer before tore up her back yard. She made that round fire pit and a round flower garden in her back yard.
In her spare bedroom drawers, a locker full of smaller clothes. White Large children size wife beaters. She even called me one day and told me what I needed to do with these clothes. In the locker was a short sleeve nylon black dress with a white stain on the left thigh. I thought that very interesting at the time. V shows up again the next day.
She brings me a belt she just made. It was leather with large copper rings. She told me she was leaving town and that while she was gone she wants me to lie on it. She literally passes it to me lying across both hands. I thanked her, I said "okay." V went off to her gun club camp trip. I had not laid down on it by the time V got back in town. I didn't want to lie to her, so I ran in and I laid down on it. I placed it down the length of my spine, I was out like a light for four hours. I fell asleep on my back with my head turned to the left. When I awoke, I shit you not. I could move fifty percent more. Whatever this belt was it was better than that Gavipatin shit the doctors gave me. I didn't have nerve pain. It did nothing but knock me on my ass and I couldn't even hardly get out of bed, I hurt so bad.
V came back to pick up the belt. I said, "I don't know what that was, and I don't care. I want more of that shit." V went on to tell me about how she hardly slept. Like four hours at a time. She always woke up refreshed. She said, "she felt clear." She told me why she ran nude down a trail that day. She was told she was being watched. I realize today that V. is another mother who agreed to look crazy for the sake of her children. Remember brother I heard too when this started "I was being watched and at the time I didn't know by who but I do now don't I Satan?
Michael was acting unusual still even more so after V came home. I told him he could sleep in the camper. Now brother WTF! Talk about "wolf in sheep disguise." I was up above lying on those white balls. Michael said something about his timeline of when the last time he had used meth. I thought it had been eleven but he said five. It hit me the shit he pulled during this time. The night Michael allowed his daughter to take off at like almost midnight. I had already asked before this "who was the face of that black shadow in the womb with my daughter?" It was the face of the man I worked with. That dishwasher. At the time I didn't know he lived in Fall City in the yellow house behind my second job.
All I knew was that he was the one in that nameless black truck who was watching me at work when I took a break. I got so tired of this black truck that one day at work I walked right up behind it and wrote down the license number. I still had no idea I was working with this guy at the time. When I got in his black truck for him to drive me home I walked around the front. Michael was taunting me, needling me and threatening my roof because it was his X's house. I sat in the yard again with my fist out to the sides. "I screamed "Michael you get that child home to me right now. You don't know who is watching her Michael. Please Michael bring that child home to me." I walked into that house and I handed him the computer I said, "I don't care what it takes, you find her." It was the first time ever I raised my fist to anyone in my life. Well I shouldn't say first anyways. I didn't see Michael for two days. That night I fell asleep waiting for Katie to get home. I wanted her to see me there when she got back. I wanted her to know "I am still here for her."
Right before V. went into the hospital out of the blue she bought Katie a new black Mustang that had lit up horses on the side. I have learned brother that peoples true animals aren't only in there feet, but in the cars they drive. Hell one day I had to call the police and put a search out for her. That pissed her off. I did not care. If no one else was bringing that child home it was my job. So no I did not care if she was pissed at me. Hell her rock was in a mental institution. Found standing on her roof with a gun protecting her house and her family. Her father was spiraling off somewhere. Hell you'd think I had a clue, but I truly had no idea what was happening to Michael. My Michael always paid his bills. He had excellent credit for a man who had very little.
Yes I know brother that was your big plan wasn't it to blame the drugs? Literally Michael's and my income crashed coming in. Not going out. They just wanted me to see the behaviors and learn to identify didn't they Satan? You know when I moved back to North Bend after trying again to escape it was like I felt like Meth was coming up fast behind me. I didn't know what it meant at the time it was not only in the house behind me but I was surrounded by it and I didn't even know it.
Now Satan this is the thing I know you don't want people to know. So I'll tell you what I have learned. That as well as the doctors who don't treat peoples pain anymore. Hell brother I sat in the ER with one woman and I had not a clue what was happening to her. Hell brother when these people who have arthritis and other pain when they take this drug they get a reprieve from the pain for just a lil while. That freedom from the pain is worth the pain when they come down. You Son of a bitch.
Let me tell you what else I have learned Satan, those dreams I had a couple years before the end of my marriage? You know the ones where my teeth kept shattering and falling out. I kept having that dream over and over didn't I. I don't even know if meth existed back then. This is what you don't want people to know, is that the ones who use these white rocks who lie is that we all agreed to take the poison on before we got here. These ones you blame so much for all that is wrong with this Nation is a lie.
These are the ones who without even knowing it took the biggest hit of all for this planet. They chose to sacrifice their tissue as it dehydrates like beef jerky They chose to turn their bones to dust. They chose to burn their organ's up. Make the human bodies bowels burn. You poisoned Mother Nature and her children, isn't that right brother? We all chose to carry the pain in our bodies and minds. We all chose to take the pain on at the first hit to that heart for Mother Nature. Some of us chose to sit in purgatory in our minds and bodies. These people chose to take the blame and pain. They chose to lose their homes. All for this planet didn't they?
Truly their bodies are just a shell. When that black cloud lifts and these people are pain free for just a lil while, they will all know what love feels like, won't they Satan? It's true what I have said so many times on this journey "we all feed ourselves something each day. Some just like to eat the shit and lies to feed themselves with everyday." Isn't that right brother? They feel safer that way don't they? Satan you have created so much fear and shame in people that they are afraid to look outside the box and see the truth of what's coming down the pike. We are all hungry for something in this life isn't that right Satan? "We are all hungry for food, we are all hungry for love." It's just what we choose to feed ourselves each day to make it through this "pavement paradise of hell" I walk through each day.
So yes Satan the night I let Michael sleep elsewhere in that camper and I realized he lied to me and left me take the heat for that Monkey on his back with his daughter. I still kept control didn't I Satan? Got to give me credit for that. "I stood over Michael and I tapped him on the back. I said, "what did you just say to me? Five days Michael, five mother fucking days? Michael was behind the table on his stomach. I was standing by his head just at that camper door.
For such a sloth, for such a slow moving guy, I have never seen anyone in my life and get a hold of my throat so fast. I heard long ago in my head when I take the hits from the two Leo women in my life, my sister my mother, to go limp. He grabbed me by the throat and lifted me over the table. He jostled me around. He shoved me into a corner still by the throat. He stared down at me with gritted teeth. What did you say Satan? "You'd like to tear both of my children's head's off and mail them to me in a box?" I sighed. I stared you in the eyes and very calmly I said, "I just bet you would." What did you do then brother? You let go and you spit in my face. You walked away.
My whole body trembled. I climbed up to my bed and I laid down on those two white balls Michael made and I fell asleep. The next morning I don't think I saw Michael. It was like I forgot what happened and how many months later did I write that scene? It was then that I wrote and I didn't even know it. "Those are not Michael's eyes, those are not Michael's teeth, and that is not Michael's mouth. It was the first time I realized just what I was seeing and how they walked me through it by not showing me until later. Isn't that right brother?
Do you know what my family showed me brother is that that angry ten year old child in Michael is very strong. That Michael can carry the burden of the pain that demon caused him. I admit brother the hard part is watching Michael hurt and try to work. It seems every time I hurt in my back so does he. Yeah brother even I feel like I am holding Michael down with my pain and yes it hurts me inside very deeply. V told me that Michael has to get something by his fiftieth birthday. Hell brother I thought it was Michael's big 50 last year. Just not my luck it seems brother. What day is Michael's birthday Satan. 08/17/1966. What does that make him brother? Another lion another Leo. That makes three lions who tried to take me down.
What happened around July 12th brother. Was that the day me and V took a walk up to that truck stop picking up the garbage. It seemed whatever we talked about it just happened to apply to the garbage I was picking up. V gave me direction about Michael. "She said "whatever Michael does, let him do it. He is supposed to. At the time I didn't know what she meant but I do now don't I brother. I got to the Gull station I dropped the garbage in a shallow hole. Oh fuck I'm going to kill these brothers and sisters when I get to heaven for some of the stuff they had me do. I climbed up on that cement picnic table. I started screaming and yelling of all places, the Gull station. I pointed to the garbage and I started yelling "this gulls me. This garbage Gulls me."
After for some reason I took Michael's eyeglass case out of my lil brown purse canvas backpack that Kiley got me for Christmas. I had the eyeglass case in my right hand I went to the woods to the left behind the gull station and I walked in the woods then I took off running like I was in a race. My arms flew straight out behind me. It just flew straight off. I kept running. I stopped at a tree and I buried it. I went back to find my purse and it was gone. I took off running to the South and I saw a red fire truck stop at the end of the trail. I hit the ground running to a stop. I tore through stickers running slicing up my arms and body. As I was running by I picked up a coffee can. I looked down I saw it had all the elements in it. For some reason it was important to me. I set it on the cement table to the left of the gull station and I think I stirred it a stick. I walked away and when I walked up to that oil can. I saw it and hopped on and stood up saying the Lord's prayer and This Land is Your Land. Crying.
I went back into those woods and still my purse was gone. I think this was when I started picking up black feathers. So I spent the next three days going right around, through and in the woods of TA. After the third day of this, I walked down Tanner road and all around that truck stop with a dragon fly rattle. I recognized it from earlier inside TA. It had a rainbow tail. I walked to the woods again where I lost my purse and I took off running. I literally ran back to the place where I left my lil backpack and I ran to the same spot where I lost it. It was open and all my stuff was laid out real nice. My Imitrex, my smokes. My notepaper from work. I dropped to my knees and I cried. It was just like nothing to put my hands in the air and give thanks. I loaded it back up. I slammed the tail of that dragon fly in to the ground. I said the "Lords Prayer, cried and I walked away.
It was three days later I walked into those woods and their was my purse. Right where I dropped it.
a
in
Friday, July 15, 2016
07/14/2016 Willing
You know Satan all I had to do was be willing. I have made lots of agreements and that is the key to this journey. Willing. Willing to trust them with my children's life. Willing to trust my family with my life. So that is why I decided to spend the night in those woods alone. I already checked things out. I knew I was alone and that I didn't have any back-up on this planet. Truly I just didn't care anymore. I told Snoqualmie PD, "oh hell no I'm not sleeping back that far in the woods alone." So I tempted fate a lil.
For some reason yet again I had everything I needed on me for the night. I had my own flashlight. I now know that the only weapons I need are the wings I carry on my back. I know that when the time comes I don't have to make a move. Yup that's right brother that is what my daddy told me. That day at the park. What was it the third homeless mother with seven children and three fathers. I was so frustrated. I didn't want to see another seven in my life. Not like this anyways. I mean really I got it. No matter what I do out here it's for his flock. Seven or ten it didn't even matter anymore. After he told me, he took on three more with two bouts of cancer. I only saw in my head ten from there on out. Seriously sometimes brother even these seven drive me nuts. All I wanted to do was have time to myself and write actually sitting quietly on the couch. In comes walking in the door the third set of seven. I grabbed my writing my backpack and I hit the pavement running.
I went to Earthworks Park in Kent. The park with the two rings surrounded by water that I wrote about. It wasn't until later that when I looked at it again I realized their wasn't just two rings but three.
I'm going to take a moment here brother. Lets talk about the music. The emotion of the music. How the music feeds the emotions of ones soul. Yeah Satan that is just the point isn't it. Any kind of spiritual healing is bad to you right? You make spiritual healing about God in a church. Funny thing brother God is outside with his wife and children.
Being homeless I don't get to pick the music I listen to. Any chance I could get into one of those bag ladies cars, turn on the music and bounce my hip to that rhythm. The beat, the drive, that's what feed's me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, and well sometimes I get real angry. No matter what I realized every time I do this and just let the music and emotion flow. I just accept it and after all lil while I feel better. At times I just write and let the rhythm of the music tap away on the keyboard.
Sometimes it's Eminem, "I Love the Way you Lie" Today I started out with Uncle Kracker. Yes I like me some Uncle Kracker to feed the soul. I started out with the "Memphis Soul Song and Chris Daughtery, Home" You know Satan when I wrote about going home. I meant to my home, my heart, my children. Imagine my surprise when I realized heaven is home brother? It's true what they say brother, "Home is where your HEART is." My home I discovered brother is THIS MOUNTAIN. My home is this ROCK. This ROCK is my promise from my family brother. That ROCK, that MOUNTAIN THAT IC INSIDE ME BROTHER, IS MINE NOT YOURS.
That was the day I asked, "Dad where are you, I know I can feel you but where are you in all this? There I sat as my own Irish father and my native brother appeared in front of me. He went over in my mind the scene that day in the hospital room. When I asked "Okay Greg, you wanted to pick out her name. What is it going to be? He looked at me and said, "I don't have one." I looked at him. I couldn't believe it after the fit he through that he was picking her name and he doesn't have one? I'm holding her in my arms, I named off like eight names. One of them was Kiley. I said, "pick one Greg. Just pick one." He chose Kiley. I Chose Rae after the LaRae name in our family. So yes brother even though you were in the womb with this one keeping tabs. My father and brother showed me just where she got her name and they were with us the whole time. So yeah Satan my brother, imagine my surprise when I looked up the Sir name to her name? So fuck you Satan my family showed me that this brother who let me down, that they were at my back up. Imagine that my family took a very sad ugly painful moment in my life and they made it beautiful again.
So yes Satan. I know who's family you got your eye on. So yes I knew I was meant to be alone. I knew all along I just had to be willing. Most of what I have committed too they had already walked me through it and I didn't even know it. What was it brother, after one a.m.? I woke up it seems I had to pee and other stuff. Shit brother. I want my body back at times, but I accept that while I am here on this planet, well that just isn't gonna happen. Now I had already told the policemen, I'm not sleeping back there. Funny thing is they never knew where I went to sleep the whole time from before and I'm certainly not going to start now.
I decided those cushions Gary had would sure be nice about now. I know who I am and well if it's meant to be then lets just get this done. I grabbed my lil back pack purse and back pack. I headed back into those woods with my lil flashlight. Just when I shined my light on Gary's little abode's gate. I stopped and I realized, that isn't the way I left this gateway. I shined my light inside. This isn't the way I left those cushions. Hell, I didn't even know he had a pillow? What about that tray where did that come from? Great so someone has been here in the four hours I have been gone. So I'm not alone and by the looks of things this one is human. Well truly who knows who they are inside especially in these woods.
I stepped inside and shined my flashlight around, just then the brush goes whish on the East Side. I thought "Oh shit. I have had enough lets get this done. I tore through the gate knocking it down. I stood there with my flashlight." I said something like God Dammit, I'm done." I shined my flashlight around. Things grew silent. No more snaps of the twigs. No more rustling leaves. Now Satan I might have balls but I ain't crazy. It took me two loads to get what I needed out and two loads in and out of that long trail. For some reason I wasn't scared. I have learned I don't like sleeping inside a box, that I can't see out. No where to run, Your caged in. Your trapped. No where to go. As much as my body is nothing but a shell for that family, I have no desire for disfigurement and to be taken down in a fight for Karma to handle later on. Yeah that's right Satan. I have other sisters inside me. Another three.
I have Faith. Their just ain't no moving Faith. Now faith she don't fuck around with this Demon shit. Faith does not sway. I have Destiny. Well brother we both know their ain't know stopping Destiny. Isn't that the reason why they wouldn't let me get through to any of my family brother? So I could go around leaving my footprint's, blood and that special essence I released. What was it brother seventeen times one day, and two early in the a,m, plus seventeen is what brother?" That would be nineteen times asshole.
All I needed for these sessions was my magic pink wand that said evolved. How many other times and places did I release that essence with no pink wand and no one was there to touch me? Just boom out of no where I orgasm. Yes brother it seems they started releasing that special essence long ago. Talk about the reactions of people around me. The strange things they would say out of the blue? Strange men speaking weird things and coming toward me? I learned Satan that is the essence. The animal instinct inside human beings when they pick up my scent. Don't forget it was already written in the stars brother. All I had to do was put my bloody palm on that rock and say the Lords Prayer.
Funny thing is Satan I did this jaunt during the salmon run and I didn't even know it. Don't tell me you forgot about sister number three brother? Karma brother. You remember her. Allot of justice in karma. I have learned how Karma works and the power behind truth and Karma and just how this sister works. You see Satan the thing about Karma is you never know the moment she's going to take you down. I have Faith in Karma to make those choices for me after I walk away. Truth Makes Karma very strong brother.
Oh Satan you know it is hard to choose which sister I like best inside me? I just can't decide. I mean these sisters are strong and they have been here a long long time. Sister number four, imagine my surprise when I discovered sister number four? You remember Poison Ivy right brother? You know Satan for the longest time I thought I was Poison Ivy. I thought it was me who was hurting people. The tears shed over this one. Then one day it hit me just who Poison Ivy is to me? My family turned that thought right around when they showed me, well lets just say "I love me some Poison Ivy." Poison Ivy she scratches, she bites and when that demon dog asked me "to look on his back, he has this burning pain right between his shoulder blades on the left. I saw my teeth marks. Now Satan I told the truth to that lil demon dog all the way through? Every question he asked me, I told the truth, I noticed every time I did he fizzled out all a lil more each time.
So yes Satan I ain't crazy or stupid for that fact. So I told a lil white lie. I said, "no, I don't see nothing at all. I mean come on brother my goal was to get out of that truck alive. I was not letting him know I left him with everlasting pain. He died brother. I also remembered earlier on in the beginning when they would just take over and write for me. They said "don't touch her." I might be a touchy feely person, but I only touch those I want to touch.
Willing brother, so I sat in those woods. The interesting places I slept right out in the open. What did I move four times? I walked right out in the open to each location each time before I went into hiding to catch a few Z's. Nothing happened. No one caught me off guard did they brother. You have no idea what it is like to walk through these woods morning noon and night like I did, but their is nothing worse then being caught off guard. I about killed brother red when he showed up in the woods that day. It was like walking into a wall.
So yes Satan I have been fated for this path. Anything that happens to me is meant to go down. This is my life's purpose brother to take the hits so our children won't have to forevermore, you asshole. After this I ain't coming back and neither is he. It is our time to just be. So yes Satan if this is the way I was supposed to live my life for this brother. These sisters, some who have suffered so much more than me. These brothers who have so much pain inside they don't understand and well if it was my destiny to experience all different kinds of neglect and abuse at the hands of these brothers, then so be it. Anything so my children never have to live it. History will not repeat itself with all these lies, but with the Truth. This lil mothers truth because brother this is my life not yours to fuck with anymore. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh yes Satan also when I was out in those woods thinking about strolling through that bone yard. I saw that Cadman mine had been doing some plowing. Right at a four way intersection, right under that mountain with the man with the beard. Lying right in the middle is one lone egg. Open just at the top. Funny thing Satan, you know my bladder the size of a pee. I just had to pee right on top of that egg. You see Satan, I might not of gotten my conversation but I no longer had the urge to go back to that bone yard. When I saw that egg I knew I was right where I was supposed to be right at the right time. I have so much more on these eggs to cover you mother fucker. Our children's eggs. The experiments you two do on them. Not for good but evil. The hybrid creations you two are creating out of mother natures children's. Trying to create a army you mother fucker. I will kill you for this one alone. You don't fuck with mother natures DNA and essence you two son of a bitches. I haven't even got to the rest I know about these eggs you mother fucker.
All those boiled eggs I had to eat so Snoqualmie PD and King County come together. It was Tanner Road and North Bend Way. So all these contract ambulance companies can come together. My diet going over my lifetime has been pretty interesting brother. Now Satan my favorite hot cereal is cream of wheat. I like it nice thick and lumpy. I was eating bowls and bowls of cream of wheat again. Cauliflower with melted cheese, I even drank ensure, organic fruit drinks even. I started chugging milk. This was how I ate the whole time my body hurt. During that delirium brother every time I woke up I didn't know if it was day or night. Once in awhile I'd see Michael sitting in the dark clicking away on the keyboard but only twice. No Satan I don't care what anyone thinks. Michael left after our exchange when I was talking to my sister at the foot of the bed. He left me once again.
It was Michael who carried me out of that restaurant after those two episodes of me screaming and hitting the floor. It was Michael who took me home and put heat packs on me. It was Michael after that five day delirium that each time I woke up he was pushing all up and down my spine to help heal my pain. I couldn't work on Michael anymore. I hurt to bad, my hands and body were to weak. It hurt me even more to work on him.
I remember each time I woke up, I used the bathroom and I fixed myself three cups of cream of wheat and a tall glass of milk. I'd barely finish and get the bowl to the headboard before I passed out. Look at my wheat fields brother? It lacks nutrition it is small and weak. Not tall and hardy and full of nutrition anymore. Hell these stores right around me don't even carry instant cream of wheat anymore. Just oatmeal.
For some reason yet again I had everything I needed on me for the night. I had my own flashlight. I now know that the only weapons I need are the wings I carry on my back. I know that when the time comes I don't have to make a move. Yup that's right brother that is what my daddy told me. That day at the park. What was it the third homeless mother with seven children and three fathers. I was so frustrated. I didn't want to see another seven in my life. Not like this anyways. I mean really I got it. No matter what I do out here it's for his flock. Seven or ten it didn't even matter anymore. After he told me, he took on three more with two bouts of cancer. I only saw in my head ten from there on out. Seriously sometimes brother even these seven drive me nuts. All I wanted to do was have time to myself and write actually sitting quietly on the couch. In comes walking in the door the third set of seven. I grabbed my writing my backpack and I hit the pavement running.
I went to Earthworks Park in Kent. The park with the two rings surrounded by water that I wrote about. It wasn't until later that when I looked at it again I realized their wasn't just two rings but three.
I'm going to take a moment here brother. Lets talk about the music. The emotion of the music. How the music feeds the emotions of ones soul. Yeah Satan that is just the point isn't it. Any kind of spiritual healing is bad to you right? You make spiritual healing about God in a church. Funny thing brother God is outside with his wife and children.
Being homeless I don't get to pick the music I listen to. Any chance I could get into one of those bag ladies cars, turn on the music and bounce my hip to that rhythm. The beat, the drive, that's what feed's me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, and well sometimes I get real angry. No matter what I realized every time I do this and just let the music and emotion flow. I just accept it and after all lil while I feel better. At times I just write and let the rhythm of the music tap away on the keyboard.
Sometimes it's Eminem, "I Love the Way you Lie" Today I started out with Uncle Kracker. Yes I like me some Uncle Kracker to feed the soul. I started out with the "Memphis Soul Song and Chris Daughtery, Home" You know Satan when I wrote about going home. I meant to my home, my heart, my children. Imagine my surprise when I realized heaven is home brother? It's true what they say brother, "Home is where your HEART is." My home I discovered brother is THIS MOUNTAIN. My home is this ROCK. This ROCK is my promise from my family brother. That ROCK, that MOUNTAIN THAT IC INSIDE ME BROTHER, IS MINE NOT YOURS.
That was the day I asked, "Dad where are you, I know I can feel you but where are you in all this? There I sat as my own Irish father and my native brother appeared in front of me. He went over in my mind the scene that day in the hospital room. When I asked "Okay Greg, you wanted to pick out her name. What is it going to be? He looked at me and said, "I don't have one." I looked at him. I couldn't believe it after the fit he through that he was picking her name and he doesn't have one? I'm holding her in my arms, I named off like eight names. One of them was Kiley. I said, "pick one Greg. Just pick one." He chose Kiley. I Chose Rae after the LaRae name in our family. So yes brother even though you were in the womb with this one keeping tabs. My father and brother showed me just where she got her name and they were with us the whole time. So yeah Satan my brother, imagine my surprise when I looked up the Sir name to her name? So fuck you Satan my family showed me that this brother who let me down, that they were at my back up. Imagine that my family took a very sad ugly painful moment in my life and they made it beautiful again.
So yes Satan. I know who's family you got your eye on. So yes I knew I was meant to be alone. I knew all along I just had to be willing. Most of what I have committed too they had already walked me through it and I didn't even know it. What was it brother, after one a.m.? I woke up it seems I had to pee and other stuff. Shit brother. I want my body back at times, but I accept that while I am here on this planet, well that just isn't gonna happen. Now I had already told the policemen, I'm not sleeping back there. Funny thing is they never knew where I went to sleep the whole time from before and I'm certainly not going to start now.
I decided those cushions Gary had would sure be nice about now. I know who I am and well if it's meant to be then lets just get this done. I grabbed my lil back pack purse and back pack. I headed back into those woods with my lil flashlight. Just when I shined my light on Gary's little abode's gate. I stopped and I realized, that isn't the way I left this gateway. I shined my light inside. This isn't the way I left those cushions. Hell, I didn't even know he had a pillow? What about that tray where did that come from? Great so someone has been here in the four hours I have been gone. So I'm not alone and by the looks of things this one is human. Well truly who knows who they are inside especially in these woods.
I stepped inside and shined my flashlight around, just then the brush goes whish on the East Side. I thought "Oh shit. I have had enough lets get this done. I tore through the gate knocking it down. I stood there with my flashlight." I said something like God Dammit, I'm done." I shined my flashlight around. Things grew silent. No more snaps of the twigs. No more rustling leaves. Now Satan I might have balls but I ain't crazy. It took me two loads to get what I needed out and two loads in and out of that long trail. For some reason I wasn't scared. I have learned I don't like sleeping inside a box, that I can't see out. No where to run, Your caged in. Your trapped. No where to go. As much as my body is nothing but a shell for that family, I have no desire for disfigurement and to be taken down in a fight for Karma to handle later on. Yeah that's right Satan. I have other sisters inside me. Another three.
I have Faith. Their just ain't no moving Faith. Now faith she don't fuck around with this Demon shit. Faith does not sway. I have Destiny. Well brother we both know their ain't know stopping Destiny. Isn't that the reason why they wouldn't let me get through to any of my family brother? So I could go around leaving my footprint's, blood and that special essence I released. What was it brother seventeen times one day, and two early in the a,m, plus seventeen is what brother?" That would be nineteen times asshole.
All I needed for these sessions was my magic pink wand that said evolved. How many other times and places did I release that essence with no pink wand and no one was there to touch me? Just boom out of no where I orgasm. Yes brother it seems they started releasing that special essence long ago. Talk about the reactions of people around me. The strange things they would say out of the blue? Strange men speaking weird things and coming toward me? I learned Satan that is the essence. The animal instinct inside human beings when they pick up my scent. Don't forget it was already written in the stars brother. All I had to do was put my bloody palm on that rock and say the Lords Prayer.
Funny thing is Satan I did this jaunt during the salmon run and I didn't even know it. Don't tell me you forgot about sister number three brother? Karma brother. You remember her. Allot of justice in karma. I have learned how Karma works and the power behind truth and Karma and just how this sister works. You see Satan the thing about Karma is you never know the moment she's going to take you down. I have Faith in Karma to make those choices for me after I walk away. Truth Makes Karma very strong brother.
Oh Satan you know it is hard to choose which sister I like best inside me? I just can't decide. I mean these sisters are strong and they have been here a long long time. Sister number four, imagine my surprise when I discovered sister number four? You remember Poison Ivy right brother? You know Satan for the longest time I thought I was Poison Ivy. I thought it was me who was hurting people. The tears shed over this one. Then one day it hit me just who Poison Ivy is to me? My family turned that thought right around when they showed me, well lets just say "I love me some Poison Ivy." Poison Ivy she scratches, she bites and when that demon dog asked me "to look on his back, he has this burning pain right between his shoulder blades on the left. I saw my teeth marks. Now Satan I told the truth to that lil demon dog all the way through? Every question he asked me, I told the truth, I noticed every time I did he fizzled out all a lil more each time.
So yes Satan I ain't crazy or stupid for that fact. So I told a lil white lie. I said, "no, I don't see nothing at all. I mean come on brother my goal was to get out of that truck alive. I was not letting him know I left him with everlasting pain. He died brother. I also remembered earlier on in the beginning when they would just take over and write for me. They said "don't touch her." I might be a touchy feely person, but I only touch those I want to touch.
Willing brother, so I sat in those woods. The interesting places I slept right out in the open. What did I move four times? I walked right out in the open to each location each time before I went into hiding to catch a few Z's. Nothing happened. No one caught me off guard did they brother. You have no idea what it is like to walk through these woods morning noon and night like I did, but their is nothing worse then being caught off guard. I about killed brother red when he showed up in the woods that day. It was like walking into a wall.
So yes Satan I have been fated for this path. Anything that happens to me is meant to go down. This is my life's purpose brother to take the hits so our children won't have to forevermore, you asshole. After this I ain't coming back and neither is he. It is our time to just be. So yes Satan if this is the way I was supposed to live my life for this brother. These sisters, some who have suffered so much more than me. These brothers who have so much pain inside they don't understand and well if it was my destiny to experience all different kinds of neglect and abuse at the hands of these brothers, then so be it. Anything so my children never have to live it. History will not repeat itself with all these lies, but with the Truth. This lil mothers truth because brother this is my life not yours to fuck with anymore. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh yes Satan also when I was out in those woods thinking about strolling through that bone yard. I saw that Cadman mine had been doing some plowing. Right at a four way intersection, right under that mountain with the man with the beard. Lying right in the middle is one lone egg. Open just at the top. Funny thing Satan, you know my bladder the size of a pee. I just had to pee right on top of that egg. You see Satan, I might not of gotten my conversation but I no longer had the urge to go back to that bone yard. When I saw that egg I knew I was right where I was supposed to be right at the right time. I have so much more on these eggs to cover you mother fucker. Our children's eggs. The experiments you two do on them. Not for good but evil. The hybrid creations you two are creating out of mother natures children's. Trying to create a army you mother fucker. I will kill you for this one alone. You don't fuck with mother natures DNA and essence you two son of a bitches. I haven't even got to the rest I know about these eggs you mother fucker.
All those boiled eggs I had to eat so Snoqualmie PD and King County come together. It was Tanner Road and North Bend Way. So all these contract ambulance companies can come together. My diet going over my lifetime has been pretty interesting brother. Now Satan my favorite hot cereal is cream of wheat. I like it nice thick and lumpy. I was eating bowls and bowls of cream of wheat again. Cauliflower with melted cheese, I even drank ensure, organic fruit drinks even. I started chugging milk. This was how I ate the whole time my body hurt. During that delirium brother every time I woke up I didn't know if it was day or night. Once in awhile I'd see Michael sitting in the dark clicking away on the keyboard but only twice. No Satan I don't care what anyone thinks. Michael left after our exchange when I was talking to my sister at the foot of the bed. He left me once again.
It was Michael who carried me out of that restaurant after those two episodes of me screaming and hitting the floor. It was Michael who took me home and put heat packs on me. It was Michael after that five day delirium that each time I woke up he was pushing all up and down my spine to help heal my pain. I couldn't work on Michael anymore. I hurt to bad, my hands and body were to weak. It hurt me even more to work on him.
I remember each time I woke up, I used the bathroom and I fixed myself three cups of cream of wheat and a tall glass of milk. I'd barely finish and get the bowl to the headboard before I passed out. Look at my wheat fields brother? It lacks nutrition it is small and weak. Not tall and hardy and full of nutrition anymore. Hell these stores right around me don't even carry instant cream of wheat anymore. Just oatmeal.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
07/13/2016 RAGE
You know what Satan I have had enough of all this injustice sitting in your purgatory. Yeah that's right brother, I figured that out too. Somethings finally sank in, the truth of why I do this everyday? You know what brother I am so mother fucking sick and tired of having the rug pulled out from underneath me you don't even know. That is just one of my point's brother. How many times have you done this? Not only to me, but to my brothers and my sisters? It is astounding the timing of just how things fall apart around me. Not only with me but the truly good people in my life.
You mother fucker I'm going to kill you. You know what I realized as my weekend fell apart along with that roof over my head? For a long time I went there. I didn't tell anyone. I'd just show up, I was never worried no matter who saw me walking around. The one thing my family always had me do Satan was stand out in plain site. Morning noon or night. I never hid. I never felt in in danger brother. Not even that first month I slept out in those woods. Talk about living in the land of Narnia. Funny thing is Satan no one knew just what I did. No brother, not even me.
It wasn't until after I left that truck stop that things started to sink in. Sometimes slowly as they took me back around with these rewind movies in my mind. Each time they come around they show me something a lil deeper. Sometimes it hurts so bad what they show me, I just break down and cry. No Satan not for me but for others. All my brothers and sisters upstairs and downstairs today. Funny thing Satan I knew I was meant to be alone that night and have faith that things will be alright. That no matter what happened to me, it was meant to be. I was meant to take the hits.
I had already put together Satan those woods and just what I was sleeping with? Not only had I stood in front of a black bear. Hell brother I had no idea what color bear, black or brown? For just that moment. for just that one moment I didn't want to be there myself. There I stood in my white tank top, pink and white stripe thermals, with my lil back pack on my back. Hilarious Satan feathers in my hair. Now Satan one thing I noticed is how I just relaxed. I crooked my thumbs in my lil back pack, I let her look at me and I just looked at her. We both just stood there and let whatever was about to go down go down. That mother bear, huffed! Like a lil laugh, she swung her head to the right, then the left and she walked away. You see Satan that mother bear was standing at a three way stop. I had to get by her to go any further down that trail. She walked away Satan and I crossed.
Now lets talk about those pink thermals I wore another day at another intersection I had to stand in. I was walking over I-90 exit thirty two and my children pull up beside me. I hadn't even said a word, I just walked up to the car. This was just after the forth house I slept in on the beginning of this journey. I had just hiked down a trail over a river from Rattlesnake Lake. I stopped by my children's house to get a glass of water. I had plans today to meet my in-laws. I didn't know what time, but that was the plan according to the last conversation I had had with my mother in law.
Earlier I had messaged my children if they knew what time her grandparents were coming into town? All I wanted was a conversation about Greg and how I had earlier been slammed into a vision. I think it was after they asked if they could come in me. I laid there in a zero gravity chair. I had I think four candles lit in four colored jars sitting around a round campfire. For some reason I had started setting out coconut oil and water usually in a jar or water bottle. I was lying there picturing a river of blood going from between my legs into the earth.
It was here on this land that I felt safe. For some reason during this time I knew that that dishwasher watched me at work and drove me home. I knew someone not so good was watching me. I didn't know Satan that he was the fallen angel in my vision with my unborn daughter. That faceless huge black shadow. I stood in front of you then, I just went Hmph! Shrugged my shoulders and I walked around you brother. For some reason I knew that while I was here you could not touch me. So yes Satan I did as my family asked and I let it go. I wasn't sure what was happening but I'm slammed into that garden with Greg. My X his head was on the ground and he was on his knees. My right leg had pressure. It was like I was holding back my leg. Like I was fighting something not to kick Greg in the ribs. I was begging God. To please, please don't take his life. I kept crying and begging God that he will get it right this time. I was begging God to not take the father of my children.
To please, I didn't care what he had ever had done to me. I didn't ever want my children to lose their father. I begged God for just one more chance. I screamed and I cried, "Please God, don't take the father of my children. I didn't care what I had to go through. Just please don't put my children through the loss of their father. Not after everything they had been through. I needed his hands to feed my children. It was then Satan that I just realized just now that I would do whatever I had to do. Just don't put the father of my children outside. Don't let him lose that roof that was my children's home. You see Satan I had two more visions like this. The first time I did this. I just let it go and look at what they wanted to show me? I made an agreement and I accepted the consequences that whatever happened to me on this journey. I would be safe.
The day at that freeway overpass, that I stood the three of us. Kiley's heart is breaking right along with mine. Alex plugged her ears, closed her eyes, shut her mouth and turned her back on me.
I walked to the other side of the car with fist out to my sides, crying and yelling, "for Alex to look at me. She wouldn't open her eyes. She would not unplug her ears. So I started yelling, "Alex, I am sorry honey, but this is who I am. This is who your mother is. I am so sorry." I stood there crying and I didn't want to get in the car. I think we had a discussion over a belt. I couldn't take the tension in the car. You couldn't cut this tension, these tears we all cried for nothing. I refused a ride back to that truck stop. I didn't care, how thirsty, hungry, or tired. I knew I had to get back to that truck stop. I didn't know what any of this meant at the time, but apparently it was time to go home brother. I had to get to work for the next stage.
It was just after I slept in a schizophrenic woman's house. I did not speak to her but I heard her voice. As soon as she spoke. It hit me then as my hand went to my heart and I cried. That my mother was a schizophrenic. That is why she was a opposite? Incapable, of feeling love for her children. Only blame. Always reeling us in and casting us out. It was the first night I slept outside by myself. I ran into another brother at that truck stop. We sat at the gas station across the street. We shared a bowl. I asked him about his rock design's. What they meant? We discussed the faces he saw in each rock. We always saw different things, us two. It seemed Gary's rock designs were the universe and what was going on in the universe.
Before I walked away to sleep, God only knows where on my own. Gary hand's me a white crystal angel. He kept calling it a ballerina. I kept trying to explain, "no Gary, it's one of those angel charms." He kept saying "no Colleen it's a Angel." He told me he wanted me to hold this for him. I put it in my pocket and I walked away. I walked down the road behind that truck stop. It was the big gold field with the red rock roadway. I slept under the full moon, with my back against a cement wall. The full moon shone down on me. I put my lil backpack purse under my head and I fell asleep. When I awoke maybe four hours later I felt refreshed. I walked out on to the roadway and standing to my right was Gary.
I walked up to him and I asked him "what are you doing here?" He told me, "he slept right there on the corner of that sidewalk." I had no idea at the time why? He hands me a pall mall red long filtered cigarette. I looked at it and I said to Gary, "Hmmph! My mom smoked these since she was a teenager only hers didn't have filters. Hmmph! Maybe that is all my mother really needed all along was a filter?" I had no idea what that meant at the time but I do now Satan? I am the filter to my mom's demon you have sitting on her head. That is why she made me sick and why my stomach was always on fire during my childhood. Anything I filtered through my sister took it on physically didn't she Satan? This woman right here Satan is the reason why me and my sister wondered why Karma alone never took her out?
The damage she did to other peoples lives alone was incredulous? The legal system she used? Incredible this woman who never went past ninth grade some how left a trail of bodies where ever she went. I learned in my childhood Satan, that my mother isn't happy until she makes you scream. Oh yeah my family walked me through a example of this. They told me, even though she wasn't hurting me, "to scream." I did she stepped back all smug and satisfied with what she had done. Her favorite thing Satan was to always do this when someone else was around. Yeah my mother likes to humiliate. So yeah Satan, "I know why "heaven doesn't want her yet, and well Satan my brother, "I know you don't want any of that mother do you brother? I don't blame you she's pretty deceptive, isn't she?" "She doesn't even know that just in her actions and words just what she is doing? All she is doing brother is filtering all the poisons, and lies for generations back. I truly find it amazing that after all that poisonous unfiltered tobacco she smoked that at the age of 72 her heart was just fine."
So yeah Satan, I knew when Gary walked out of those woods to go to jail that I was on my own and that whatever went down on 07/11/2016 that I would have to take the hits. Part of the reason I came back was my mind kept going back to that bone yard that I walked through? The one that a man had previously blown up in. I had already figured out about the night I looked at Greg I said I just want to jump out the window and run away. I saw myself running through the dark forest running and looking behind me. That something was chasing me. I didn't know what at the time, but I had already asked Michael if bear's eat big game? Do they drag them back to a lair? Michael said "no." The whole time I roamed and slept out here morning noon and night I thought it was the bear all along. I wondered out of all these deer and elk shit I follow why don't I see any on the East side of the woods? The woods I slept in ass wipe. Brother am I ever going to wipe my ass with you.
You see Satan I figured out spiritually that no matter what that animal was, it wasn't good. Their is no animal in these woods today that I know of that does that. Not here in this Washington anyways. You know brother I even wondered if it was bigfoot? Bigfoot is gentle. He is peaceful. Sure he is a ancestral primate in hiding and yes he has fear, but bigfoot dragging large game to a lair, that would be a big no. Well not this animal anyways. God's creatures wouldn't be hanging out by a mine brother. Like attracts like brother. Isn't that right? So yeah Satan I was ready and at peace with what or whoever was in those woods that night. Before Gary left he set me out a flashlight. I took my backup backpack out of hiding and I stuck it in his lil blue hovel in the woods. For the moment I felt safe. I didn't like being this far back however. Plus their were a few things I noticed. It was that black square that was burned outside his hovel.
I knew Gary did not like fires. Not in the woods anyways. I had already decided about nine at night I was not sleeping that far back away from civilization inside something I can't see out of. So I went back, I grabbed my backpack. I changed out of my twinkle toes sneakers. I put on my universal vans. I put on my skull cap with a skeleton on the front. It has a hole for eyes. I knew it was time to be not so seen. Time to go dark you might say. Actually it was close to ten. I sat out in the open and I watched that trucks stop from my usual vantage points. This time last year unlike last year, I can't see things so well. It seems their are way more tree's and brush. As usual I had my conversation with Snoqualmie P.D. Funny thing Satan always a conversation with these guys. Not interfering just checking in. We talked about how it had been a year since I stood on that oil can and I stuck that staff in the ground. In that black square by that well. I stuck it in the ground in brood day light, I put my fist out to my sides and I screamed "get the fuck off my rock." I did that brother. I still did not understand but hey I agreed to look crazy for my family didn't I brother? No one noticed. Amazing.
You see Satan their is one thing I knew about the location of that black square and that red rock. It is a covenant. No one truly owns it. I mean TA might pay for it but it is also ran by Tanner Electric and the water company. Snoqualmie P.D.'s territory and King County. Don't worry brother I already figured out that technically they can't touch me or 86 me off that land. I'm not in any danger, it is surrounded by cement blocks. About that word association Satan? Let's talk about covenant? Just what kind of covenant sat here centuries ago? Was it wiccan's? Was it druids? Was it something darker brother? You do know I have figured about the attraction of like and like. I find it interesting that two evil's are sitting on this land. Due to your two's work for centuries and your dark energy, I would say it's pretty ironic that two of the darker evils on this planet sit side by side? I find it ironic that all those nights pointing my flashlight from the North, South, East and West. Each time I went out their I started to notice something different. Like how the rocks that sit around the black square and the lay of the bushes, the electrical wiring all cross right over where I stuck that staff. Don't forget about that night brother that I couldn't keep my eyes open one night.
What was it four times I awoke from that cement wall, and got back out there around that black square and I did what they needed me to do. Then it started to dawn on me and that feeling I had so many different times in my life. The timing of that fatigue. My pregnancies, always when something was brewing behind my back with my ex. during and after our marriage Satan. I also heard long ago Satan that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. I have learned that since then, this rock I stand on is mine. It is my birthright. That is why I am here isn't it brother. Me and him just keep coming with the rest of my family to take care of you. I said to my mother like what five years ago or was it four, follow those red's and oranges. Those reds heal. I also said "Hee Haw we have been on this rodeo ride before." I also said "duck bucked and monkey fucked." Now brother just what do you think that means? Was it already written in the stars? Am I fated to take the poison on? I mean I've been doing it my whole life in so many different ways, right brother?
Lets talk about the last couple months of me working inside that restaurant and just what was happening to me? I have figured out that my whole life I am supposed to be right where I am. Funny brother, not only all those storms I stood in in that restaurant, but how sick I got? You asshole!!!! Let's talk about the smell of the oil that made me nauseous and at times I'd heave. I'd even throw up. Let's talk about how I couldn't eat the food anymore? The taint I could smell in some of the meat. I didn't eat it, I always gave my food to Michael. Hey Mikey eats anything right brother? Let's talk about that heavy smell in the bathrooms that I could barely walk into without getting nauseous? Let's talk about the nights I couldn't find Michael, that I hit that floor on all fours screaming yet again Satan. It was like my insides were being ripped to shreds. Everything burned and pulled. I was sweaty and I could not stand up. Each time I tried brother you pulled me to the ground. I kept coming back didn't I brother? With heat packs strapped to my back. Yes that's right brother they wanted me inside.
When I couldn't take the pain anymore it was time for me to heal. I heard "you are done serving the food." I had without even knowing what I did, I handed the reigns to my daughter to stand in that storm. You see brother, when I gave her the name tag Lil Sassy, I didn't know that I had claimed her as mine. You see brother, she stood there with you three and you didn't even recognize her as mine. At the time brother she was physically stronger than me. I understand brother sometimes you have to be touched by the poison to know what you are dealing with later on. So you can recognize later just what it is you are looking at. Isn't it amazing a few days later I'm sitting at a red rock pain free for the first time in my life and I didn't even know it.
It's all about the emotions with you two isn't it? You two squash them in so many ways. Sneaky I admit, you two evils. Well at this time I'm talking about you two seeds. I'm not talking about all your minions in disguise roaming around. Looking like a maintenance man, a dishwasher and a Snoqualmie policeman, that I heard he's playing on the wrong team. It's not only about the crossover with King County and what happens at that truck stop, oh no brother they were talking about the team of light and dark weren't they brother? That is why I got in that semi? He followed me out and told me they called the police and said their is a prostitute on the lot. I just went in to ask what the protocol was to contact someone who may be here? I had the police called so many times for just ?sitting there.That night I didn't know anymore who I could trust on what team? At the time it was both. Not all, but just a few bad apples. I was hiding, and so burned out dealing with these guys. I mean they all pretty much knew who I was. I served them their food, I never hid. Hell one night I had to show ID just for sitting on that red rock. I didn't even know at the time I was doing a sit in. I told that policeman he is "blowing my mojo, my moment, my time, for nothing." He got the message. I wasn't hurting anyone, just sitting on a red rock right out in the open with feathers in my hair. Crying the night of the blue moon on that red rock.
I was so mad at them for making me do this. Putting all that emotion into someone I didn't even know? For a brother I never knew I had in the first place. Truth be told I wanted nothing to do with him. I at that time didn't want him anywhere near me. Not at this time anyways. I may not of understood why I stood on the oil can and I heard the word niece. The day after or on I was supposed to be back. I didn't even know why I finally said "yes." Looking back I realized that looking at him something inside my jaded heart cracked. CRACK! I was so annoyed with this one. Every time I saw him walk through that door or stand around me with his coffee or smoke, it pissed me off. No matter how nicely I said, "go away." He'd do it again. I just wanted him to go away. As far away as possible from me. Just a few words exchanged, I'd do every thing to ignore him. Block him from me. The last thing I wanted or needed was another man. Especially when I was walking away. Michael was the last one. I had a second job, I loved. I was done with relationships.
Nooooo!!! Instead I get to Raging River and again, I couldn't see the computer screens just like at TA. I couldn't even hear what people were saying. Nothing was sinking in but that fatigue that dizzy feeling that was so familiar. I knew then I had had enough. I didn't know what was following me around but I sure recognized it. I was sliding fast yet so angry determined to do whatever I had to do to find this energy. I had forgotten about Michael's meth pipe that I carried in my backpack. The one he handed me I don't know how many days or weeks. It was so strange looking back that I had no idea what was happening to Michael? That spiral I would see inside him? Oh yeah it was that spiral. I didn't want Michael around me even. I didn't want him to far, just close enough to keep my eye on him.
When he finally sat down around that fire pit at V's house. Who just happened to be a Gemini, my first sponsor twelve years ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances I'm sleeping in a camper in her back yard with her seventeen year old daughter taking off in one direction, especially in the middle of the night she'd take off driving and no one would know. I told her, "I know why your doing this. I understand, all I ask is that you let me know." Lil shit couldn't even do that. I've got Michael putting me in a situation and taking the blame for his behavior yet again. Another Mother Fucking Brother. Like I hadn't seen this before.
Each guy I dated or married somehow I never tried to fix, just be there and work together. Never happened not without a price anyway. Not just the money, the time invested or the things that were stolen, that meant something to me from the start. Just taken or given away my whole life. All those hits I was taking to the heart and I didn't even know it. The let down the start over cleaning up their wake. All while cooking and cleaning for them and their children. All to take the blame for how their mother failed them or let them down just before me. Thank you Satan. You have been with me all along pulling that rug out from underneath me.
The price I have paid for not only that roof over my head. So yes Satan my brother with each relationship I always brought all my cards to the table. I was truthful. Still I never carried my baggage for what others had done before. Always a clean slate. Always a clean start. An agreement. With each relationship I walked away with less and less, but Satan these men from my childhood and past. Each brother that cracked this hard shell, the ones who snuck inside me good or bad are my brothers not yours. Don't you forget it. I know who my sisters and mothers are that I carry inside the shell of this Jaded heart. I know who's hand that I feed from all along and as it turns out brother, it never was, or will ever be yours Lucifer. I remember not only you three IC but to all the others as well who are thinking of taking me down. I remember another prayer I said long ago. You know those ones where all your doing is crying and as it turns out they caught every tear drop brother. They took me back brother to just one lil prayer that I had long forgotten about. I said with my hands in the air I was standing by a door with my hands in the air, "as long as I have a roof over my head so shall my family."
Michael hands me his Meth pipe. It was in a eye glass case. It said inside "from Herb to Michael. Michael's actual words were "it's like he's telling me, you can't have me, but he can. I grabbed that eye glass case out of his right hand and I said, "that is actually the point Michael." I walked away I went in the camper and I put it in my lil backpack and I forgot about it. When I walked all those miles in the woods in the beginning I carried it in my backpack and I didn't even know it. So when I got to Raging River I stood in that bathroom with my head down screaming inside I don't want to do this. I was already hurting inside. I knew then it was time to go hunting. I didn't know what I was hunting for. At this time I was feeling better. I knew I was already hurting but better. I was stronger. So I took a deep breath and I lined up that white rock that lies brother. I lined it up and I snorted it up. Zing, flash of lightening, a different time zone you might say. I have discovered Satan that in that dimension brother I pick up a scent brother. Actually Satan their is no flash behind my eyes. Just a scent. The movies make it look like that.
Who could forget that smell of decay? That smell of flesh rotting on the bone? Oh yeah brother inside all these rocks that lie is you. You poison the mind in the warmth illusion of a dreamy hazy time zone that you feel no pain, even if it's for just all lil while. Or the white rocks that make you zing when you should zang. You spiral, you get nothing done. You burn all your energy as your wheels are spinning and you feel no pain in that empty heart that all it needs is a lil loving. All the while Satan you either burn the spirit in that warm haze sometimes things get to hot doesn't it brother? What about the label on this drug? We don't call it Satan's Candy for nothing, do we Satan?
Then we have the crack. Well Satan that one will really crack your shell in your heart, mind and body. Well they all do don't they? Legal or illegal through the generations, isn't that right brother. All out of greed and fear you swoop in create barriers, rules and restrictions legal or illegal. Satan you create the demand and price on the white market and black market don't you? Asshole. Then on top of everything as I walk through this system and finally I get a brake or so I think. Well for just a lil while.
Got a job at a corporation that wow! Fuck that shit. I now know my limitations. My boundaries. I know what I can take. I know what I can't stand. Well Satan here I am brother. Walking through a open door, because you know out here if one door opens I have to walk through it. Even if it falls through and it's just a moment it's just about what they want me to see. The situation, the people, the behavior. The cause and re-action of that behavior and just what happens around me. For example, I printed up directions that took my mother fucking ass around a huge ass square only to end up pretty much where I started. I didn't want Michael with me I wanted to check out this place on my own. I'm at the bus stop and out of the blue Michael gets off another one. Well mother fuck.
V said in the beginning whatever Michael does he's supposed to do it. I accepted this. You have no idea how many times I have watched this rock slide out here. My Michael who picked me up and carried me after I sat for hours around that campfire. I didn't move I just sat there. I felt the energy flow from my finger tips to the ground. Hell truth be told I don't know if it was flowing in or out, but after a few hours, my arm's and back ached. My finger tips burned. I sat their just nodding with my eyes closed a smile on my face. Just saying mmmhmm! Finally I tried calling a time out. "I said, "come on guys. Try to remember I'm only human. Do any of you remember that? I'm tired, my body hurts and well my fingers are burning. They are on fire. They wouldn't stop. I pulled myself out of it. As I was coming out I saw a flash of that east Indian or woman that looked so familiar. I knew I saw her somewhere before I still wasn't sure. I was bowing and I said, "Namaste."
It was then that I realized Michael was standing there as I was about to fall over. I looked at Michael, and I asked, Michael what does Namaste mean? He said, some kind of agreement. It was then I was about to fall down. I didn't even know it. He swooped me up. I remembered seeing Michael carry me, with wings on his back. Big white wings. He placed me in bed. Tucked me in and he walked away. I don't know where he went. I didn't see him again until the next morning, I think. So no, I was and still am with Michael, he might of walked me down this rabbit hole. Michael always brought me home. I may have always fed him, but I couldn't walk away not yet. No matter what I made a commitment. Boy have I tried. I just didn't know at the time how many, or with who?
This night I kept trying to send Michael home so I could go to this strange young mans house. Whom I adored from our first message. Turns out to of had a even bigger guy friend there. No real bad vibes from him but there was something there. As it turns out I couldn't get rid of Michael yet again. He happened to be standing outside and these guys didn't even know it. It was that night that in Pioneer Square, four people were shot and killed. I was devastated. At that time, I still didn't know which way the energy flows. I had to on this journey to accept. Pretty much what I have done my whole life. This is the hardest part. Watching the chips fall hurts. The casualties in this spiritual war IC coming up. Always casualties in every war right brother? They don't even know it you smarmy slimy dog of an asshole. You dirty ass vermin. Yeah I had to pay the piper for that bullshit with you, didn't I brother?
Let's talk about that rape you mother fucker. Out of everything that has ever happened to me. I have never been a one night stand nor had I ever had one. I have never been hungry enough to feed myself like that in this lifetime anyways. Only by the Grace of God had I never had to. Never for a roof over my head. Not in any way shape or form. Now I have may of taken the hits from these brothers. Some spiritually, like all those bruises up and down my body during my marriage to the father of my children? How many doctor appointments for that spiritual beating I was taking? Hell brother I wasn't even drinking. No pills hardly except Tylenol, Motrin, and caffeine. Willow bark for pain. Melatonin, Valerian Root, and Passion Flower. I had Imitrex for the migraines but not enough. The parameters and guidelines. I could get pain pills. I kept saying I don't want them. How many fucking Neurologist, blood test and cat scans? No one believed me when I said, I hurt. I have this stabbing pain in my neck and back. It just kept coming back. I was so tired, I hurt and the 20 migraines a month were taking their toll.
I was meditating and visualizing my spine like their was a invisible battery of energy. Pushing up it. No matter what I did, I was always so tired. This deep fatigue. I wasn't unhappy. I just couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't wake up. I couldn't shake the feeling. I couldn't shake the pain. I just felt like I was always off and running. If my phone rang it was my family down both highways. Falling apart at the same time my lil universe was in jeopardy. So yeah Satan when did I take a turn with those pain pills. Was it when I had two surgeries in a six week period? Migraines the whole time. My back hurt. Well brother you lassoed my arms down with that tendentious didn't you before all this? That pain started in California. Didn't it brother? Yup brother I hurt so bad up and down. I never knew where the pain stopped or started anymore. You didn't hand me those pills you dumb fuck. My family upstairs did. Just filtering through this lil system.
They woke me up enough to get me off that couch. To cook and clean for my children while Greg and Mary worked behind my back to sign everything I worked so hard for? All those mother fucking accountants that Greg just had to go to? Four in two years. How many thousands of dollars wasted brother? All that insurance you ass hole. Yeah I've been following along with all this insurance. I know what we used to get. The quality of the doctors and how people weren't really all that sick back then. Things changed didn't they brother? We got alternative health care and Satan you didn't like that did you Satan? How many insurance claims did I have to file while major insurance companies got away with throwing them away? The letters to Debra Sen? Always a fight. Always a haggle. Even the Mother Fucking Montessori in this valley tried to pull contract for money. For services never rendered in the first place. So now we have to automatically pay companies for a certain time period even if we have no service. It's not prorated for time off or state holidays, no. It's written right there in black and white. We will pay for service even though it is not rendered. How many mother fucking insurance companies did I pay for you asshole? No that Montessori didn't get another dime from me. I exploded that day on the phone and I pointed out their contract I signed and just what it said.
Car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, flood insurance, dental insurance. Now the State says that we inherit our parents debt? Well if that ain't a crock of shit? Well you know what I have learned Satan. Which by the way I always wondered. If their is no money in heaven then why do we feel so guilty about our debt to the Government, and each other paying for all this insurance to cover how our children pay while we are here on this planet? Truth is Satan you know as well as I do that that money tree doesn't matter in heaven. Our money debt doesn't matter. It never did and I'm here to tell you it never will. So while we all sit here and ponder our debt here on this planet it doesn't matter upstairs. All that matters is how we feed our children and what is truly in our heart at the time. Isn't that right asshole. We both know after this storm ain't no insurance company or corporation going to be able to cover this damage ever. Isn't that right brother?
That is the part that pisses me off about all this. I have another brother with another ego who thinks it's about what is in his wallet and those two houses? When that is not the case. Not one God Damned bit, and because of you. A two hundred and fifty pound brother is afraid of this buck eight. He is afraid of his reputation. He is afraid for his corporation, his money, and his family. He thinks I was the wolf knocking on his door and all I want is one conversation.
Here I have stood at so many intersections lost and not knowing which direction to go in. Hell I didn't even know what it meant when I said, standing at the crossroads of the Roxy and the Emporium what it meant then, but I do now. I carried in my back pack at the beginning of this journey, a Time Magazine with a Native man from nineteen forty four. Another time magazine that had the planet mars on the front. In it I saw just how far spread Native land used to be across the United States? Before your wars. Since I have learned of the Scientist and his technology of controlling the weather and how we our Country bought those scientist. So who is really controlling these storms and our climate, you asshole? Mom is not very happy Satan. Neither is our father for that fact. You are hurting mother and making it so she cant feed her children and provide the milk. The fruits of mother nature under that sun.
You cock block me, you might say brother isn't that right? You don't want me near that ring of fire. Well Fuck you brother! My house, my life, my rules. Not you asshole, because truth be told you don't possess me anymore. I'm not anyone's cuppie doll dangling me over that fire pit. I'm certainly ain't no one's possession. Nope not anymore I'm not. I'm just one man's toy to play with. One man's lil monkey. I ain't your monkey, I ain't your puppet on anyone's string. Nope brother, not anymore I'm not. About that chain I got wrapped around my neck? You know that invisible chain I wear around my neck? The one you can't see but I can. The one no one can see that binds me to that family upstairs? Every last one of them.
Satan you tried to poison me with that rape. You tried to make me blow and spill my seed. Oh but didn't I put on a good show. How many times did I pretend to scream out in ecstasy? You lil demon man dog. Yeah I saw the demon inside you as you raised your fist, to hit me with rocks like fist. Truth be told Satan I still did not scream when you pounded me with your fist. I did not scream with ecstasy, pleasure or pain.. I never fed you anything but the truth did I brother. Yeah well demons, they just fizzle out with the truth don't they?
It was when he wanted me to go back down to do the dirty deed on his spindly lil pole. He liked making me lick his dirty ass. That was just me having to go through the gauntlet here yet again brother? After he went back on our agreement. I bartered for the use of my body all the way through. I knew when he said "he wanted to nut me up." All bets and agreements were off the table. I didn't know what nut me up meant, but it didn't sound very pleasant. I told you "my body doesn't belong to you. It belongs to someone else. You don't get the left breast. Not the one where I carry those two cancer beads close to my heart." I didn't understand then brother but I do now. Don't I brother?
That was when I heard in my head, "I have to fight for him. Him who,"I replied? " That man in the white truck" was the reply. I said, what does he have to do with any of this?" No time for answers. I never asked again either. I didn't want to know. I knew one thing however, I wasn't going to win this fight. I tried to stab him in the eye with a pair of pliers. I scratched, I bit. I got up back up front and I honked that horn three times. My outer thighs bounced from seat to seat as he pulled me back in. We scrabbled some more. He pinned me down, I just laid their as I turned my head from left and right as I got hit with rocks like fist. I did not fight. I did not want to burn myself out.
We reset. I couldn't believe for the life of me that he actually wanted me to go back down on him again. I had already bit down on him twice as he hit me with fist like rocks. I held on tight. All I had left was my words. What did I say again brother? "Please, please, their has been a misunderstanding. It is not me you are angry at but your two mothers. When your father called you his son, she thought he didn't love her anymore. Just his son." He fizzled out. He washed me off. He let me get dressed.
He told me I had to smoke a cigarette with him up front. I agreed. My usual compassionate self asked him, "how do you feel now? He replied, "rejected" I thought it odd at the time. That was the point wasn't it brother? The rejection Eve felt in that garden standing alone with that snake? The rejection he felt from those two mothers. The rejection in society for all that mental illness with all these labels that were created by man for the wrong green. These homeless rejected, Our veterans, our mentally and physically ill that your system of drugs and laws created in the first place. Rejection of our families and our Government when we get to the counters for food and a roof over our head. Yes my brother God's flock is taking the hits to that heart every time we get rejected.
I told him I will go sit on the red rock where he had found me a few nights before when we talked. I can't remember what he said, but I remember hearing a real loud screech in my head. I had heard that screech allot lately. I wasn't sure what it meant then but I do now. That lil man was adopted. He felt rejected by the mother who gave him away and the one who adopted him. I think his parents were white or maybe just the mother. He thought he was ugly because of his skin. Now Satan look at the misunderstanding that skin color causes? That anger that rage? I told him I will not look back at his truck. That even though I knew the name of every truck out here and the names and colors they represent bringing the food, clothing and water to the people.
I got out and I could hear a one, two, rhythm with each step I took. I did not look back, but I looked up. He drove a Gold truck that said CRST across the back. For some reason brother as I walked back to that red rock, I looked at the side panels of all those trucks. For the life of me it seemed 3/4 of those trucks that night were white panel trucks. I went and sat on that blanket Kiley gave me on that rock. I waited till my next move. So yeah Satan my brother. I understand how rejection works in the heart and not only our systems, but this system too it seems. Cause and effect of dark energy and white I guess. Just how off balance you two seeds, have affected my flock, his flock? Not yours to control.
You mother fucker I'm going to kill you. You know what I realized as my weekend fell apart along with that roof over my head? For a long time I went there. I didn't tell anyone. I'd just show up, I was never worried no matter who saw me walking around. The one thing my family always had me do Satan was stand out in plain site. Morning noon or night. I never hid. I never felt in in danger brother. Not even that first month I slept out in those woods. Talk about living in the land of Narnia. Funny thing is Satan no one knew just what I did. No brother, not even me.
It wasn't until after I left that truck stop that things started to sink in. Sometimes slowly as they took me back around with these rewind movies in my mind. Each time they come around they show me something a lil deeper. Sometimes it hurts so bad what they show me, I just break down and cry. No Satan not for me but for others. All my brothers and sisters upstairs and downstairs today. Funny thing Satan I knew I was meant to be alone that night and have faith that things will be alright. That no matter what happened to me, it was meant to be. I was meant to take the hits.
I had already put together Satan those woods and just what I was sleeping with? Not only had I stood in front of a black bear. Hell brother I had no idea what color bear, black or brown? For just that moment. for just that one moment I didn't want to be there myself. There I stood in my white tank top, pink and white stripe thermals, with my lil back pack on my back. Hilarious Satan feathers in my hair. Now Satan one thing I noticed is how I just relaxed. I crooked my thumbs in my lil back pack, I let her look at me and I just looked at her. We both just stood there and let whatever was about to go down go down. That mother bear, huffed! Like a lil laugh, she swung her head to the right, then the left and she walked away. You see Satan that mother bear was standing at a three way stop. I had to get by her to go any further down that trail. She walked away Satan and I crossed.
Now lets talk about those pink thermals I wore another day at another intersection I had to stand in. I was walking over I-90 exit thirty two and my children pull up beside me. I hadn't even said a word, I just walked up to the car. This was just after the forth house I slept in on the beginning of this journey. I had just hiked down a trail over a river from Rattlesnake Lake. I stopped by my children's house to get a glass of water. I had plans today to meet my in-laws. I didn't know what time, but that was the plan according to the last conversation I had had with my mother in law.
Earlier I had messaged my children if they knew what time her grandparents were coming into town? All I wanted was a conversation about Greg and how I had earlier been slammed into a vision. I think it was after they asked if they could come in me. I laid there in a zero gravity chair. I had I think four candles lit in four colored jars sitting around a round campfire. For some reason I had started setting out coconut oil and water usually in a jar or water bottle. I was lying there picturing a river of blood going from between my legs into the earth.
It was here on this land that I felt safe. For some reason during this time I knew that that dishwasher watched me at work and drove me home. I knew someone not so good was watching me. I didn't know Satan that he was the fallen angel in my vision with my unborn daughter. That faceless huge black shadow. I stood in front of you then, I just went Hmph! Shrugged my shoulders and I walked around you brother. For some reason I knew that while I was here you could not touch me. So yes Satan I did as my family asked and I let it go. I wasn't sure what was happening but I'm slammed into that garden with Greg. My X his head was on the ground and he was on his knees. My right leg had pressure. It was like I was holding back my leg. Like I was fighting something not to kick Greg in the ribs. I was begging God. To please, please don't take his life. I kept crying and begging God that he will get it right this time. I was begging God to not take the father of my children.
To please, I didn't care what he had ever had done to me. I didn't ever want my children to lose their father. I begged God for just one more chance. I screamed and I cried, "Please God, don't take the father of my children. I didn't care what I had to go through. Just please don't put my children through the loss of their father. Not after everything they had been through. I needed his hands to feed my children. It was then Satan that I just realized just now that I would do whatever I had to do. Just don't put the father of my children outside. Don't let him lose that roof that was my children's home. You see Satan I had two more visions like this. The first time I did this. I just let it go and look at what they wanted to show me? I made an agreement and I accepted the consequences that whatever happened to me on this journey. I would be safe.
The day at that freeway overpass, that I stood the three of us. Kiley's heart is breaking right along with mine. Alex plugged her ears, closed her eyes, shut her mouth and turned her back on me.
I walked to the other side of the car with fist out to my sides, crying and yelling, "for Alex to look at me. She wouldn't open her eyes. She would not unplug her ears. So I started yelling, "Alex, I am sorry honey, but this is who I am. This is who your mother is. I am so sorry." I stood there crying and I didn't want to get in the car. I think we had a discussion over a belt. I couldn't take the tension in the car. You couldn't cut this tension, these tears we all cried for nothing. I refused a ride back to that truck stop. I didn't care, how thirsty, hungry, or tired. I knew I had to get back to that truck stop. I didn't know what any of this meant at the time, but apparently it was time to go home brother. I had to get to work for the next stage.
It was just after I slept in a schizophrenic woman's house. I did not speak to her but I heard her voice. As soon as she spoke. It hit me then as my hand went to my heart and I cried. That my mother was a schizophrenic. That is why she was a opposite? Incapable, of feeling love for her children. Only blame. Always reeling us in and casting us out. It was the first night I slept outside by myself. I ran into another brother at that truck stop. We sat at the gas station across the street. We shared a bowl. I asked him about his rock design's. What they meant? We discussed the faces he saw in each rock. We always saw different things, us two. It seemed Gary's rock designs were the universe and what was going on in the universe.
Before I walked away to sleep, God only knows where on my own. Gary hand's me a white crystal angel. He kept calling it a ballerina. I kept trying to explain, "no Gary, it's one of those angel charms." He kept saying "no Colleen it's a Angel." He told me he wanted me to hold this for him. I put it in my pocket and I walked away. I walked down the road behind that truck stop. It was the big gold field with the red rock roadway. I slept under the full moon, with my back against a cement wall. The full moon shone down on me. I put my lil backpack purse under my head and I fell asleep. When I awoke maybe four hours later I felt refreshed. I walked out on to the roadway and standing to my right was Gary.
I walked up to him and I asked him "what are you doing here?" He told me, "he slept right there on the corner of that sidewalk." I had no idea at the time why? He hands me a pall mall red long filtered cigarette. I looked at it and I said to Gary, "Hmmph! My mom smoked these since she was a teenager only hers didn't have filters. Hmmph! Maybe that is all my mother really needed all along was a filter?" I had no idea what that meant at the time but I do now Satan? I am the filter to my mom's demon you have sitting on her head. That is why she made me sick and why my stomach was always on fire during my childhood. Anything I filtered through my sister took it on physically didn't she Satan? This woman right here Satan is the reason why me and my sister wondered why Karma alone never took her out?
The damage she did to other peoples lives alone was incredulous? The legal system she used? Incredible this woman who never went past ninth grade some how left a trail of bodies where ever she went. I learned in my childhood Satan, that my mother isn't happy until she makes you scream. Oh yeah my family walked me through a example of this. They told me, even though she wasn't hurting me, "to scream." I did she stepped back all smug and satisfied with what she had done. Her favorite thing Satan was to always do this when someone else was around. Yeah my mother likes to humiliate. So yeah Satan, "I know why "heaven doesn't want her yet, and well Satan my brother, "I know you don't want any of that mother do you brother? I don't blame you she's pretty deceptive, isn't she?" "She doesn't even know that just in her actions and words just what she is doing? All she is doing brother is filtering all the poisons, and lies for generations back. I truly find it amazing that after all that poisonous unfiltered tobacco she smoked that at the age of 72 her heart was just fine."
So yeah Satan, I knew when Gary walked out of those woods to go to jail that I was on my own and that whatever went down on 07/11/2016 that I would have to take the hits. Part of the reason I came back was my mind kept going back to that bone yard that I walked through? The one that a man had previously blown up in. I had already figured out about the night I looked at Greg I said I just want to jump out the window and run away. I saw myself running through the dark forest running and looking behind me. That something was chasing me. I didn't know what at the time, but I had already asked Michael if bear's eat big game? Do they drag them back to a lair? Michael said "no." The whole time I roamed and slept out here morning noon and night I thought it was the bear all along. I wondered out of all these deer and elk shit I follow why don't I see any on the East side of the woods? The woods I slept in ass wipe. Brother am I ever going to wipe my ass with you.
You see Satan I figured out spiritually that no matter what that animal was, it wasn't good. Their is no animal in these woods today that I know of that does that. Not here in this Washington anyways. You know brother I even wondered if it was bigfoot? Bigfoot is gentle. He is peaceful. Sure he is a ancestral primate in hiding and yes he has fear, but bigfoot dragging large game to a lair, that would be a big no. Well not this animal anyways. God's creatures wouldn't be hanging out by a mine brother. Like attracts like brother. Isn't that right? So yeah Satan I was ready and at peace with what or whoever was in those woods that night. Before Gary left he set me out a flashlight. I took my backup backpack out of hiding and I stuck it in his lil blue hovel in the woods. For the moment I felt safe. I didn't like being this far back however. Plus their were a few things I noticed. It was that black square that was burned outside his hovel.
I knew Gary did not like fires. Not in the woods anyways. I had already decided about nine at night I was not sleeping that far back away from civilization inside something I can't see out of. So I went back, I grabbed my backpack. I changed out of my twinkle toes sneakers. I put on my universal vans. I put on my skull cap with a skeleton on the front. It has a hole for eyes. I knew it was time to be not so seen. Time to go dark you might say. Actually it was close to ten. I sat out in the open and I watched that trucks stop from my usual vantage points. This time last year unlike last year, I can't see things so well. It seems their are way more tree's and brush. As usual I had my conversation with Snoqualmie P.D. Funny thing Satan always a conversation with these guys. Not interfering just checking in. We talked about how it had been a year since I stood on that oil can and I stuck that staff in the ground. In that black square by that well. I stuck it in the ground in brood day light, I put my fist out to my sides and I screamed "get the fuck off my rock." I did that brother. I still did not understand but hey I agreed to look crazy for my family didn't I brother? No one noticed. Amazing.
You see Satan their is one thing I knew about the location of that black square and that red rock. It is a covenant. No one truly owns it. I mean TA might pay for it but it is also ran by Tanner Electric and the water company. Snoqualmie P.D.'s territory and King County. Don't worry brother I already figured out that technically they can't touch me or 86 me off that land. I'm not in any danger, it is surrounded by cement blocks. About that word association Satan? Let's talk about covenant? Just what kind of covenant sat here centuries ago? Was it wiccan's? Was it druids? Was it something darker brother? You do know I have figured about the attraction of like and like. I find it interesting that two evil's are sitting on this land. Due to your two's work for centuries and your dark energy, I would say it's pretty ironic that two of the darker evils on this planet sit side by side? I find it ironic that all those nights pointing my flashlight from the North, South, East and West. Each time I went out their I started to notice something different. Like how the rocks that sit around the black square and the lay of the bushes, the electrical wiring all cross right over where I stuck that staff. Don't forget about that night brother that I couldn't keep my eyes open one night.
What was it four times I awoke from that cement wall, and got back out there around that black square and I did what they needed me to do. Then it started to dawn on me and that feeling I had so many different times in my life. The timing of that fatigue. My pregnancies, always when something was brewing behind my back with my ex. during and after our marriage Satan. I also heard long ago Satan that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. I have learned that since then, this rock I stand on is mine. It is my birthright. That is why I am here isn't it brother. Me and him just keep coming with the rest of my family to take care of you. I said to my mother like what five years ago or was it four, follow those red's and oranges. Those reds heal. I also said "Hee Haw we have been on this rodeo ride before." I also said "duck bucked and monkey fucked." Now brother just what do you think that means? Was it already written in the stars? Am I fated to take the poison on? I mean I've been doing it my whole life in so many different ways, right brother?
Lets talk about the last couple months of me working inside that restaurant and just what was happening to me? I have figured out that my whole life I am supposed to be right where I am. Funny brother, not only all those storms I stood in in that restaurant, but how sick I got? You asshole!!!! Let's talk about the smell of the oil that made me nauseous and at times I'd heave. I'd even throw up. Let's talk about how I couldn't eat the food anymore? The taint I could smell in some of the meat. I didn't eat it, I always gave my food to Michael. Hey Mikey eats anything right brother? Let's talk about that heavy smell in the bathrooms that I could barely walk into without getting nauseous? Let's talk about the nights I couldn't find Michael, that I hit that floor on all fours screaming yet again Satan. It was like my insides were being ripped to shreds. Everything burned and pulled. I was sweaty and I could not stand up. Each time I tried brother you pulled me to the ground. I kept coming back didn't I brother? With heat packs strapped to my back. Yes that's right brother they wanted me inside.
When I couldn't take the pain anymore it was time for me to heal. I heard "you are done serving the food." I had without even knowing what I did, I handed the reigns to my daughter to stand in that storm. You see brother, when I gave her the name tag Lil Sassy, I didn't know that I had claimed her as mine. You see brother, she stood there with you three and you didn't even recognize her as mine. At the time brother she was physically stronger than me. I understand brother sometimes you have to be touched by the poison to know what you are dealing with later on. So you can recognize later just what it is you are looking at. Isn't it amazing a few days later I'm sitting at a red rock pain free for the first time in my life and I didn't even know it.
It's all about the emotions with you two isn't it? You two squash them in so many ways. Sneaky I admit, you two evils. Well at this time I'm talking about you two seeds. I'm not talking about all your minions in disguise roaming around. Looking like a maintenance man, a dishwasher and a Snoqualmie policeman, that I heard he's playing on the wrong team. It's not only about the crossover with King County and what happens at that truck stop, oh no brother they were talking about the team of light and dark weren't they brother? That is why I got in that semi? He followed me out and told me they called the police and said their is a prostitute on the lot. I just went in to ask what the protocol was to contact someone who may be here? I had the police called so many times for just ?sitting there.That night I didn't know anymore who I could trust on what team? At the time it was both. Not all, but just a few bad apples. I was hiding, and so burned out dealing with these guys. I mean they all pretty much knew who I was. I served them their food, I never hid. Hell one night I had to show ID just for sitting on that red rock. I didn't even know at the time I was doing a sit in. I told that policeman he is "blowing my mojo, my moment, my time, for nothing." He got the message. I wasn't hurting anyone, just sitting on a red rock right out in the open with feathers in my hair. Crying the night of the blue moon on that red rock.
I was so mad at them for making me do this. Putting all that emotion into someone I didn't even know? For a brother I never knew I had in the first place. Truth be told I wanted nothing to do with him. I at that time didn't want him anywhere near me. Not at this time anyways. I may not of understood why I stood on the oil can and I heard the word niece. The day after or on I was supposed to be back. I didn't even know why I finally said "yes." Looking back I realized that looking at him something inside my jaded heart cracked. CRACK! I was so annoyed with this one. Every time I saw him walk through that door or stand around me with his coffee or smoke, it pissed me off. No matter how nicely I said, "go away." He'd do it again. I just wanted him to go away. As far away as possible from me. Just a few words exchanged, I'd do every thing to ignore him. Block him from me. The last thing I wanted or needed was another man. Especially when I was walking away. Michael was the last one. I had a second job, I loved. I was done with relationships.
Nooooo!!! Instead I get to Raging River and again, I couldn't see the computer screens just like at TA. I couldn't even hear what people were saying. Nothing was sinking in but that fatigue that dizzy feeling that was so familiar. I knew then I had had enough. I didn't know what was following me around but I sure recognized it. I was sliding fast yet so angry determined to do whatever I had to do to find this energy. I had forgotten about Michael's meth pipe that I carried in my backpack. The one he handed me I don't know how many days or weeks. It was so strange looking back that I had no idea what was happening to Michael? That spiral I would see inside him? Oh yeah it was that spiral. I didn't want Michael around me even. I didn't want him to far, just close enough to keep my eye on him.
When he finally sat down around that fire pit at V's house. Who just happened to be a Gemini, my first sponsor twelve years ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances I'm sleeping in a camper in her back yard with her seventeen year old daughter taking off in one direction, especially in the middle of the night she'd take off driving and no one would know. I told her, "I know why your doing this. I understand, all I ask is that you let me know." Lil shit couldn't even do that. I've got Michael putting me in a situation and taking the blame for his behavior yet again. Another Mother Fucking Brother. Like I hadn't seen this before.
Each guy I dated or married somehow I never tried to fix, just be there and work together. Never happened not without a price anyway. Not just the money, the time invested or the things that were stolen, that meant something to me from the start. Just taken or given away my whole life. All those hits I was taking to the heart and I didn't even know it. The let down the start over cleaning up their wake. All while cooking and cleaning for them and their children. All to take the blame for how their mother failed them or let them down just before me. Thank you Satan. You have been with me all along pulling that rug out from underneath me.
The price I have paid for not only that roof over my head. So yes Satan my brother with each relationship I always brought all my cards to the table. I was truthful. Still I never carried my baggage for what others had done before. Always a clean slate. Always a clean start. An agreement. With each relationship I walked away with less and less, but Satan these men from my childhood and past. Each brother that cracked this hard shell, the ones who snuck inside me good or bad are my brothers not yours. Don't you forget it. I know who my sisters and mothers are that I carry inside the shell of this Jaded heart. I know who's hand that I feed from all along and as it turns out brother, it never was, or will ever be yours Lucifer. I remember not only you three IC but to all the others as well who are thinking of taking me down. I remember another prayer I said long ago. You know those ones where all your doing is crying and as it turns out they caught every tear drop brother. They took me back brother to just one lil prayer that I had long forgotten about. I said with my hands in the air I was standing by a door with my hands in the air, "as long as I have a roof over my head so shall my family."
Michael hands me his Meth pipe. It was in a eye glass case. It said inside "from Herb to Michael. Michael's actual words were "it's like he's telling me, you can't have me, but he can. I grabbed that eye glass case out of his right hand and I said, "that is actually the point Michael." I walked away I went in the camper and I put it in my lil backpack and I forgot about it. When I walked all those miles in the woods in the beginning I carried it in my backpack and I didn't even know it. So when I got to Raging River I stood in that bathroom with my head down screaming inside I don't want to do this. I was already hurting inside. I knew then it was time to go hunting. I didn't know what I was hunting for. At this time I was feeling better. I knew I was already hurting but better. I was stronger. So I took a deep breath and I lined up that white rock that lies brother. I lined it up and I snorted it up. Zing, flash of lightening, a different time zone you might say. I have discovered Satan that in that dimension brother I pick up a scent brother. Actually Satan their is no flash behind my eyes. Just a scent. The movies make it look like that.
Who could forget that smell of decay? That smell of flesh rotting on the bone? Oh yeah brother inside all these rocks that lie is you. You poison the mind in the warmth illusion of a dreamy hazy time zone that you feel no pain, even if it's for just all lil while. Or the white rocks that make you zing when you should zang. You spiral, you get nothing done. You burn all your energy as your wheels are spinning and you feel no pain in that empty heart that all it needs is a lil loving. All the while Satan you either burn the spirit in that warm haze sometimes things get to hot doesn't it brother? What about the label on this drug? We don't call it Satan's Candy for nothing, do we Satan?
Then we have the crack. Well Satan that one will really crack your shell in your heart, mind and body. Well they all do don't they? Legal or illegal through the generations, isn't that right brother. All out of greed and fear you swoop in create barriers, rules and restrictions legal or illegal. Satan you create the demand and price on the white market and black market don't you? Asshole. Then on top of everything as I walk through this system and finally I get a brake or so I think. Well for just a lil while.
Got a job at a corporation that wow! Fuck that shit. I now know my limitations. My boundaries. I know what I can take. I know what I can't stand. Well Satan here I am brother. Walking through a open door, because you know out here if one door opens I have to walk through it. Even if it falls through and it's just a moment it's just about what they want me to see. The situation, the people, the behavior. The cause and re-action of that behavior and just what happens around me. For example, I printed up directions that took my mother fucking ass around a huge ass square only to end up pretty much where I started. I didn't want Michael with me I wanted to check out this place on my own. I'm at the bus stop and out of the blue Michael gets off another one. Well mother fuck.
V said in the beginning whatever Michael does he's supposed to do it. I accepted this. You have no idea how many times I have watched this rock slide out here. My Michael who picked me up and carried me after I sat for hours around that campfire. I didn't move I just sat there. I felt the energy flow from my finger tips to the ground. Hell truth be told I don't know if it was flowing in or out, but after a few hours, my arm's and back ached. My finger tips burned. I sat their just nodding with my eyes closed a smile on my face. Just saying mmmhmm! Finally I tried calling a time out. "I said, "come on guys. Try to remember I'm only human. Do any of you remember that? I'm tired, my body hurts and well my fingers are burning. They are on fire. They wouldn't stop. I pulled myself out of it. As I was coming out I saw a flash of that east Indian or woman that looked so familiar. I knew I saw her somewhere before I still wasn't sure. I was bowing and I said, "Namaste."
It was then that I realized Michael was standing there as I was about to fall over. I looked at Michael, and I asked, Michael what does Namaste mean? He said, some kind of agreement. It was then I was about to fall down. I didn't even know it. He swooped me up. I remembered seeing Michael carry me, with wings on his back. Big white wings. He placed me in bed. Tucked me in and he walked away. I don't know where he went. I didn't see him again until the next morning, I think. So no, I was and still am with Michael, he might of walked me down this rabbit hole. Michael always brought me home. I may have always fed him, but I couldn't walk away not yet. No matter what I made a commitment. Boy have I tried. I just didn't know at the time how many, or with who?
This night I kept trying to send Michael home so I could go to this strange young mans house. Whom I adored from our first message. Turns out to of had a even bigger guy friend there. No real bad vibes from him but there was something there. As it turns out I couldn't get rid of Michael yet again. He happened to be standing outside and these guys didn't even know it. It was that night that in Pioneer Square, four people were shot and killed. I was devastated. At that time, I still didn't know which way the energy flows. I had to on this journey to accept. Pretty much what I have done my whole life. This is the hardest part. Watching the chips fall hurts. The casualties in this spiritual war IC coming up. Always casualties in every war right brother? They don't even know it you smarmy slimy dog of an asshole. You dirty ass vermin. Yeah I had to pay the piper for that bullshit with you, didn't I brother?
Let's talk about that rape you mother fucker. Out of everything that has ever happened to me. I have never been a one night stand nor had I ever had one. I have never been hungry enough to feed myself like that in this lifetime anyways. Only by the Grace of God had I never had to. Never for a roof over my head. Not in any way shape or form. Now I have may of taken the hits from these brothers. Some spiritually, like all those bruises up and down my body during my marriage to the father of my children? How many doctor appointments for that spiritual beating I was taking? Hell brother I wasn't even drinking. No pills hardly except Tylenol, Motrin, and caffeine. Willow bark for pain. Melatonin, Valerian Root, and Passion Flower. I had Imitrex for the migraines but not enough. The parameters and guidelines. I could get pain pills. I kept saying I don't want them. How many fucking Neurologist, blood test and cat scans? No one believed me when I said, I hurt. I have this stabbing pain in my neck and back. It just kept coming back. I was so tired, I hurt and the 20 migraines a month were taking their toll.
I was meditating and visualizing my spine like their was a invisible battery of energy. Pushing up it. No matter what I did, I was always so tired. This deep fatigue. I wasn't unhappy. I just couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't wake up. I couldn't shake the feeling. I couldn't shake the pain. I just felt like I was always off and running. If my phone rang it was my family down both highways. Falling apart at the same time my lil universe was in jeopardy. So yeah Satan when did I take a turn with those pain pills. Was it when I had two surgeries in a six week period? Migraines the whole time. My back hurt. Well brother you lassoed my arms down with that tendentious didn't you before all this? That pain started in California. Didn't it brother? Yup brother I hurt so bad up and down. I never knew where the pain stopped or started anymore. You didn't hand me those pills you dumb fuck. My family upstairs did. Just filtering through this lil system.
They woke me up enough to get me off that couch. To cook and clean for my children while Greg and Mary worked behind my back to sign everything I worked so hard for? All those mother fucking accountants that Greg just had to go to? Four in two years. How many thousands of dollars wasted brother? All that insurance you ass hole. Yeah I've been following along with all this insurance. I know what we used to get. The quality of the doctors and how people weren't really all that sick back then. Things changed didn't they brother? We got alternative health care and Satan you didn't like that did you Satan? How many insurance claims did I have to file while major insurance companies got away with throwing them away? The letters to Debra Sen? Always a fight. Always a haggle. Even the Mother Fucking Montessori in this valley tried to pull contract for money. For services never rendered in the first place. So now we have to automatically pay companies for a certain time period even if we have no service. It's not prorated for time off or state holidays, no. It's written right there in black and white. We will pay for service even though it is not rendered. How many mother fucking insurance companies did I pay for you asshole? No that Montessori didn't get another dime from me. I exploded that day on the phone and I pointed out their contract I signed and just what it said.
Car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, flood insurance, dental insurance. Now the State says that we inherit our parents debt? Well if that ain't a crock of shit? Well you know what I have learned Satan. Which by the way I always wondered. If their is no money in heaven then why do we feel so guilty about our debt to the Government, and each other paying for all this insurance to cover how our children pay while we are here on this planet? Truth is Satan you know as well as I do that that money tree doesn't matter in heaven. Our money debt doesn't matter. It never did and I'm here to tell you it never will. So while we all sit here and ponder our debt here on this planet it doesn't matter upstairs. All that matters is how we feed our children and what is truly in our heart at the time. Isn't that right asshole. We both know after this storm ain't no insurance company or corporation going to be able to cover this damage ever. Isn't that right brother?
That is the part that pisses me off about all this. I have another brother with another ego who thinks it's about what is in his wallet and those two houses? When that is not the case. Not one God Damned bit, and because of you. A two hundred and fifty pound brother is afraid of this buck eight. He is afraid of his reputation. He is afraid for his corporation, his money, and his family. He thinks I was the wolf knocking on his door and all I want is one conversation.
Here I have stood at so many intersections lost and not knowing which direction to go in. Hell I didn't even know what it meant when I said, standing at the crossroads of the Roxy and the Emporium what it meant then, but I do now. I carried in my back pack at the beginning of this journey, a Time Magazine with a Native man from nineteen forty four. Another time magazine that had the planet mars on the front. In it I saw just how far spread Native land used to be across the United States? Before your wars. Since I have learned of the Scientist and his technology of controlling the weather and how we our Country bought those scientist. So who is really controlling these storms and our climate, you asshole? Mom is not very happy Satan. Neither is our father for that fact. You are hurting mother and making it so she cant feed her children and provide the milk. The fruits of mother nature under that sun.
You cock block me, you might say brother isn't that right? You don't want me near that ring of fire. Well Fuck you brother! My house, my life, my rules. Not you asshole, because truth be told you don't possess me anymore. I'm not anyone's cuppie doll dangling me over that fire pit. I'm certainly ain't no one's possession. Nope not anymore I'm not. I'm just one man's toy to play with. One man's lil monkey. I ain't your monkey, I ain't your puppet on anyone's string. Nope brother, not anymore I'm not. About that chain I got wrapped around my neck? You know that invisible chain I wear around my neck? The one you can't see but I can. The one no one can see that binds me to that family upstairs? Every last one of them.
Satan you tried to poison me with that rape. You tried to make me blow and spill my seed. Oh but didn't I put on a good show. How many times did I pretend to scream out in ecstasy? You lil demon man dog. Yeah I saw the demon inside you as you raised your fist, to hit me with rocks like fist. Truth be told Satan I still did not scream when you pounded me with your fist. I did not scream with ecstasy, pleasure or pain.. I never fed you anything but the truth did I brother. Yeah well demons, they just fizzle out with the truth don't they?
It was when he wanted me to go back down to do the dirty deed on his spindly lil pole. He liked making me lick his dirty ass. That was just me having to go through the gauntlet here yet again brother? After he went back on our agreement. I bartered for the use of my body all the way through. I knew when he said "he wanted to nut me up." All bets and agreements were off the table. I didn't know what nut me up meant, but it didn't sound very pleasant. I told you "my body doesn't belong to you. It belongs to someone else. You don't get the left breast. Not the one where I carry those two cancer beads close to my heart." I didn't understand then brother but I do now. Don't I brother?
That was when I heard in my head, "I have to fight for him. Him who,"I replied? " That man in the white truck" was the reply. I said, what does he have to do with any of this?" No time for answers. I never asked again either. I didn't want to know. I knew one thing however, I wasn't going to win this fight. I tried to stab him in the eye with a pair of pliers. I scratched, I bit. I got up back up front and I honked that horn three times. My outer thighs bounced from seat to seat as he pulled me back in. We scrabbled some more. He pinned me down, I just laid their as I turned my head from left and right as I got hit with rocks like fist. I did not fight. I did not want to burn myself out.
We reset. I couldn't believe for the life of me that he actually wanted me to go back down on him again. I had already bit down on him twice as he hit me with fist like rocks. I held on tight. All I had left was my words. What did I say again brother? "Please, please, their has been a misunderstanding. It is not me you are angry at but your two mothers. When your father called you his son, she thought he didn't love her anymore. Just his son." He fizzled out. He washed me off. He let me get dressed.
He told me I had to smoke a cigarette with him up front. I agreed. My usual compassionate self asked him, "how do you feel now? He replied, "rejected" I thought it odd at the time. That was the point wasn't it brother? The rejection Eve felt in that garden standing alone with that snake? The rejection he felt from those two mothers. The rejection in society for all that mental illness with all these labels that were created by man for the wrong green. These homeless rejected, Our veterans, our mentally and physically ill that your system of drugs and laws created in the first place. Rejection of our families and our Government when we get to the counters for food and a roof over our head. Yes my brother God's flock is taking the hits to that heart every time we get rejected.
I told him I will go sit on the red rock where he had found me a few nights before when we talked. I can't remember what he said, but I remember hearing a real loud screech in my head. I had heard that screech allot lately. I wasn't sure what it meant then but I do now. That lil man was adopted. He felt rejected by the mother who gave him away and the one who adopted him. I think his parents were white or maybe just the mother. He thought he was ugly because of his skin. Now Satan look at the misunderstanding that skin color causes? That anger that rage? I told him I will not look back at his truck. That even though I knew the name of every truck out here and the names and colors they represent bringing the food, clothing and water to the people.
I got out and I could hear a one, two, rhythm with each step I took. I did not look back, but I looked up. He drove a Gold truck that said CRST across the back. For some reason brother as I walked back to that red rock, I looked at the side panels of all those trucks. For the life of me it seemed 3/4 of those trucks that night were white panel trucks. I went and sat on that blanket Kiley gave me on that rock. I waited till my next move. So yeah Satan my brother. I understand how rejection works in the heart and not only our systems, but this system too it seems. Cause and effect of dark energy and white I guess. Just how off balance you two seeds, have affected my flock, his flock? Not yours to control.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
07/09/2016 Family Service
07/09/2016 Family Service
Ya know Satan I've about had enough of you after the day I had yesterday? I'm so ready to vent my rage? My rage about what it's like to live in this system? What happens when the money comes through? Oh yeah brother I got my red room and I discovered allot more about myself and just who I am in this red room. "Oh Brother where art though" cuz I'm gonna drop kick your mother fucking ass out of this universe. I could really use a whipping boy about now. Someone here on this planet who will understand just what it is I'm going through? Who will understand that when things pile up that all I need is to let it go. Just be in one place and go off. I'm just venting my rage at all the injustice in this system. I let it all out in one clean swoop. It's usually about the behavior, the situation that IC. Not the person I'm venting about just the behavior of someone else piling their scams and bullshit upon me. I am done brother. I will speak.
You know Satan, Greg would always accuse me of getting scammed. Didn't matter what it was. That dumb shit mother fucking asshole never went however. My whole life I stood in the garage with the men. So yeah you can say I learned a few things. I worked on cars a few time with my father, my boyfriend Kevin my first love, who is a twin by the way Satan. Watched him take a Datsun 510 and put Mazda rotary engine in it back in the 80's. I stood in the garage with all my lil step daddies and my uncles, including my Uncle Marvin Chambers. You know him Satan right? I remember this one well. I remember and I understand just what uncle in my life he represents.
I'd go out there because I was a in betweener in this family. That's what happens when two sisters who are ten years apart hang out allot? So my cousins at my age were four to 8 years younger than me. So as a child I hung with them allot. At a time in my life it was time for me to sit at the big table, with the adults and no one noticed? Then for my older cousins it was kind of convenient to have a built in sitter to play with the younger ones. So yeah I'd hang out in the back ground watching what the big boy's do in the garage with all their toy's and tools of the trade for their time?
I got to see how cars have changed? The parts and even the tools? I got to see what it takes to maintain something? It never really bothered me a man hanging out in the garage. They don't do much, they go inside their head. They tinker and at times tanker out, taking things apart and putting them back together. That is how some people learn in life. They are hands on. When you take something apart and put it back together you learn how it works. Like Benjamin Franklin with the kite and electricity he learned electricity from mother nature herself. When I looked at it from that perspective things started to dawn on me about energy? How it flows? What components it takes to connect, to ignite that spark?
Oh Satan their I go veering off in the wrong direction just when I'm ready to let you have it. I will say this I've had it with all these scams and people ripping each other off because they are backed in a corner. So they do something illegal, they rent rooms to people and they don't tell the whole truth so now their mess becomes mine and two other peoples. She was given a check by the state for $1800 paid. My rent is seven hundred. At the beginning of this story I admit I didn't like those sevens very much. Not one God Damned bit. Who the fuck has seven daughters with two sets of twins? Who does that? I mean were they planning to have more? Horrifying right? It gets worse. Red Heads? In my head I heard "all grown" but all I could see was "one hot mess." It gets worse, his wife died in a car wreck, and he was left to raise them on his own. Cancer to boot. What the fuck brother!
That is the thing working as a server at a truck stop. You hear all kinds of shit. Men try to lure you with, their charm, their good looks and money. None of it last or is it real. Then you have the ones who try to be cute and funny wasting my time when I have a room full of people, and food to wrangle and haggle once I step up to that line. You see when I am trying to do my job and men want to be cute and waste my time, telling me how wonderful they really are with their long drawn out stories and well some days boys I'm truly "just there to take your food order. I got a job to do. The whole time your talking to me my mind is off to the next step for me and the other people sitting at these tables.
I'm off to timing and navigation time. Dropping the bread, getting the drink's, all the while eyeing the tables I need to clear, drinks I need to refill, while customers from all walks of life, having different days of their own expecting different things, are walking in the door expecting a meet and greet with a pretty lil smile on my face just to make you happy. All for that two dollar tip. I am not on the menu and well truth be told my smiles aren't free either. I'm tired of dealing with rude people. I'm tired of working for managers who play a bunch of head games with peoples lives because they can. Just because you could doesn't mean you should. You might want to remember this point Father X. Just for future reference.
Integrity in a job any job you do, tells you allot about the quality of a person. It's not about the job or the money, it's about what you do in any job you agree to do. It's about integrity at the work place and in the work place. It's about how we treat each other everyday in society no matter who does what. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking and not being ashamed to do it. Does the company and corporation you work for make it possible on both side of the coin for you to accomplish your job everyday? Particularly when you deal with the public? No Satan these corporations that black square I see is the cause and effect on our economy. All that stress for what is it we pay for air Satan? We now no longer even need that money tree anymore do we brother? Not that it ever existed, did it brother?
I don't know about you but I am truly finding that pretty hard to accomplish. Looking back on some of my job's it occurred to me that just by looking at a persons eyes when they look at me, they are going to make me a fall guy? I realized that with my first meeting with L. Martinez when I worked at Lockheed in Human Resources. I was hired as a Admin for new hires. Literally when Lockheed stopped hiring. So instead I was placed in a file room as a clerk pulling employee files in a recession for lay offs. Still had my cubicle on the other side of the room. I walked in one morning and I watched Rita my lead going through my desk. I asked her if I could help her find something? Of course not.
During my breaks I would go to my desk and balance my checkbook. Money was tight. Rent was six hundred in California and I only made eight dollars a hour. Next thing you know I'm being called in the office to have a discussion with my new temporary boss because it seems we were starting a new thing called cross training in the office. Office cross training is when they take people and they hire them for one position, yet have them actually do and sit in doing some one else's job in someone else's department. Yeah you know get you to learn how to do two jobs all for the price of one? Looks good on the resume, don't it?
Apparently I am no longer allowed to take my breaks at my own desk, it looks bad for the department if I take personal time at my desk. The department doesn't look busy enough I could get laid off. My new training supervisor was Tim and well Tim was allot younger than Mrs. Martinez. He was our new star player.I had never seen a weaselly more piece of shit, than this man. That man's presentation alone, the way he dressed and presented himself for the job they hired him for is amazing? How could anybody look at this man and not know their is something wrong with his self esteem and he was the new star player hired to take over my managers bosses position when he retired. So much went down from there looking back it is not even funny.
Remember I don't do politics. It was in California when I realized that whenever I watched the news it would make me really sad inside. I used to watch the news with my grandpa Paasch but for many years I couldn't even look at it. It was like something inside me didn't want to know. I didn't get depressed. It was just a emotion that passed. I avoided it by not watching the news and going on with my life. You have no idea the shit I put up with after that. Talk about office politics with a dash of bible thumping to boot. I could no longer go to or participate in office meetings. Mrs. Martinez comes back to give me a review as she is letting me know their was a problem, just before this review.
I had pulled a employee file that someone else requested who was allowed to request it. I know because I checked his credentials. It seems another employee saw her name on a file that I handed to the gentleman who requested it. I looked at L. I said, "I work in employee files and I do my job. I don't discriminate, I'm standing in a secure department for Christ sake, I truly don't even think to look at the names on the files I am pulling or do I look in them. Actually, I did. It was the education part. What education you needed to do what job type of thing. These employee files rotate in and out, including our own. Especially during lay off time. L. cast her eye's down, She wraps her arms across her chest, this is after the first conversation we had had about the truth of what had been happening to me while she was gone. L. say's "well Colleen in the future you might want to hold these files across your chest before you hand them over." I said, "L. I have a computer to check, I'm in a secure area with people who have all been checked out and because someone else is a admin across the hall I take the hit?
L. keeps her head down, as she slides my review across the desk. Even people from other H.R. departments were pulling my file. I called one I had had enough, I asked, just why are you pulling my file? "I want you to transfer to my department" he said. As much as I would of loved that, I realized that the pay scale just isn't worth all this stress. I had dental surgery coming up again and a wedding in Hawaii to attend, it was also just when my grandfather just died.
The one who held my hand on our walks. The one I watched the fights with. The one who took me in when my mother stepped over the line. I mean looking back and knowing what I know, talk about sins of thy father. Well sins of thy father and mother. They created that storm above my mothers head. That black magic troll demon that sits on my mother head. Cause and effects of energy when a choice goes horribly wrong. I wouldn't want to of been a lil girl sitting at a table with both her parents and told "that it is her job to service Mr. Chambers himself." My aunt Doris was a cripple he liked to call her, Hoogie. She was shot in the hip at age eleven and well I guess every grown man has his needs for lil girls? So yeah my uncle Marvin got a twofer for the price of one. Funny thing was my grandfather was not a Herbert. Funny thing is this is around the time my grandfather started having heart attacks by the age of forty. That heart chakra to be exact.
That heart Satan? Satan you are no cupid that's for sure. That is why you like it when people walk around like horses with blinders on. Oh yeah brother they won't even look at that storm that is happening all across the nations in so many ways. The weather, the politics and the end to all those big books. Yeah Satan at first I thought that black heart was mine. I wondered for awhile which brother of mine owns that black heart? My heart I admit Satan is Jaded, but it is not a cold dead black heart.
You remember brother everything I see is a manifestation and a representation at the same time. On this planet, in mankind, everything represents all the way up through planet's and heaven. So yeah Satan you remember how this works, right? Oh yeah, its been a long time for you right? You might be a lil behind on how this family tree works Let me finish up Mrs. Martinez first, I went back to that file room and I pulled her file and Tim's file. I went straight for education, employment history, and salary. You know what I found Satan? It seems Mrs. L. got passed over for a potential promotion right off the bat.
Was Mrs. L. even in the running anymore Certainly didn't seem so. I mean they certainly didn't start out on even ground. If I remember right Mrs. L had been at the company for like ten years, and our new boy Timmy is making ten grand more for the same job Mrs. Martinez had. Truth be told I still never got into this issue with equal paycheck per person, based on experience and quality of work, not race, color, gender or creed. So yeah I got the news my grandfather died, during a study group. I screamed, NOOOO! I ran to my room and I cried alone. Greg's study group even asked him "shouldn't you go tend to her? Her grandfather just died right before her wedding? Greg said "no she'll be fine." You think I didn't want out of this wedding? I made the commitment already it seems. To marry the brother with the biggest deflector I have ever seen.
What do you expect when your mother dipped you in gold to protect you? Looking back It didn't matter what I said, or how nice I said it. I would even put the blame on me starting out to lighten the load of any conversation even when it was them who crossed the respect line so many time's. Opening my mail for one. Bob actually ran over my right heel when he stopped the car outside the garage and I went to step out and he took off driving. When Bob got out of the car I said "Bob, you just ran over my foot as I was getting out of the car." He went off on how it was my fault. I just stood there dumbfounded.
It didn't matter what conversation I had, even just brainstorming ideas for the most basic thing. I would say to Greg, "It doesn't matter what it is, I can say, the sky is blue.I have your father on one side telling me how the sky is blue and your mother on the other telling me how much it cost." Never seen such a small group of deflectors who would blame someone else for others most basic reactions to some pretty big things? I never seen a family start running on assumption and start spreading the lies on their own behavior so fast. Then just sweep it under the carpet while they leave you holding the blame and the bag for their own behavior. Cause and effect. Cause and reaction of emotions. Something that is absolutely not allowed in this family. Now imagine if you were raised to not show any emotions at the most crazy things, already knowing my mothers way just isn't the way to do things? Humiliate and bully right Satan? She would even brag about how she can still kick her daughters ass. I always would just walk away and wonder to myself, "who does that or even thinks it is okay to behave or brag about such a thing? Especially your own children?"
Quite frankly I never did have any desire to go off half caulked and blame someone else for anything. Truth be told because of my mother I have been studying peoples behavior all my life. Now what happens when you marry into a family of deflectors? Looking back over everything, every scene of my whole life being re-played in my head. Stuff I had never thought off again or would ever have any desire to look at. In every picture out of all these years their is just one pattern. That I only exploded two times. I had every right to be very angry over and over you have no idea. The one common denominator is that I never blew my stack but two times. The reason why I didn't is because I have compassion for others. I have always seen the bigger picture without even knowing it why people behaved the way they do? Cause and effect of the mother and the father for each one that came before and how they came to be in their personalities and behavior in that moment. You make people deflect out of fear don't you Satan? They have fear that I am going to tell them their is something wrong with them? When it was just the behavior. disrespect and crossing of that line.
I have a tendency to walk away. Truth be told at times what is the point anymore? You can only do this dance so many times before you tire out. When we moved back from California I had discovered something in Elaine's behavior with Greg. Her body language, actions and words. Sure they were nice to his face. I realized after like three years of marriage that we have a problem between mom and son. That she really had not a clue about him but she had allot of assumptions. I was flabbergasted but I didn't show it. We spent six months living downstairs to save more money to buy a house. I knew from this one conversation this was not going to be a fun ride.
I mean this was the game plan all along. During this game plan Elaine thought it would be a good idea to move her other son Steve and his new bi-polar wife in with us all at the same time. I love Christine early on just not the behavior. So you bet I spent a couple day's for eight hours talking to councilors. One that could just get to the heart of things, not a bunch of lets just all stand in a room and scream it out. I already knew that was not gonna work. I couldn't even influx my voice without people coming all undone. I paid three hundred dollars out of my own pocket for this one. Sure enough right at the beginning of the session I watched Elaine cross her arms and turn her back on Greg. Things went well. Bob was practically dancing and kicking his heels walking out of there. Elaine I had hoped that Elaine learned it's not about blame. I realized early on it doesn't matter what you say to them they feel blamed. So they counteract with blame on their own behavior all because I have learned at a very young age to diffuse situations ahead of time.
You know what else I learned brother? That when you walk away from someone else's behavior and they place the blame on your for their own behavior, that each time I didn't stop and defend myself with the truth of those lies that I was left with that the assumption of the lie. I was left with the burdens of the lie and that each time it was spread, the assumption of the lie grew bigger and well my lets just say that's how poison spreads. That is how I get left carrying someone else's burden. They couldn't see the lie in the behavior. In that lie is a darkness we cannot see. Isn't that right brother? Another dagger to the heart. Each time someone you love and you have shown healthy love, it is another dagger to the heart. Another rejection you might say. This is the heart of the matter right here.
I have discovered that truly it when we take a hit to the heart from either the mother or the father, because lets face it it takes two to make a baby here on this planet anyways. It doesn't matter if it is the mother and father as in your physical parents here. It could be the representation of a Mother and Father, as in husband and wife who have children. Once we get hit and our heart breaks and bleeds our bodies mastitis that pain into illness. Cancer, arthritis, degenerative disease. Our physical bodies take the emotional hit. That pain grows and grows for example I have seven burning disc, that goes through now just waves of pain come on for a few days. I don't hurt all over, all the time, inside and out anymore. I am healing brother, I am getting stronger, aren't I brother?
Right at my heart chakra I have two disc that butterfly out. I am healing because I was willing and not afraid to do something different and sit on that God Damned red rock when they told me to do it. Even if the only time my back really hurt was sitting on that red rock. Like being told to stay put. I knew it hurt my children to see me on that red rock with feathers in my hair. Waiting for what I truly had no idea, not at the time anyway. I just agreed to do what I was told, and the only that got hurt on this journey is me and my children. So yeah Satan, MY BROTHER. I'm going to keep going.
That black heart brother. I shall return time for a smoke.
Oh yeah, a big thanks to Google Chrome for sending me on this pass code highway to hell. Ya know I have been colleenmof2 since around my divorce. Didn't matter the server or application same user name. Sign up for Google Chrome wow! Hell, that is all I can say and ever since moving along in this system I have so many user codes and I.D.'s, I don't even know anymore. You try being a homeless woman having my cell phone's, I'D's, and writing's lost or stolen? Always having to start over. No matter how much I carried on me at all times, well hell sometimes you just gotta put something down. If even for just a moment. The next thing ya know I turn around and it's gone.
So yeah Google Chrome I have gotten pretty creative with these pass codes and user names. It just so happens at just the right time in my life, searching out those names, numbers and families I used to know. If only to remember what I saw in each face and just who they are to me? In the eyes, the shapes, of the noses that lead right down to that smile right down to the heart. So yeah Satan at that time in my life while on your pass code highway to hell always having to start over on everything every time I switched servers? Some days I'm like fuck you, up yours google chrome. I get so mad I'm like Fuck you Satan, every time these servers shut down. I have to start over with that Colleenmof12 on everything. I'm not sure what IC in here but I never understood why a great company like google, would put blatantly in their contract they will come in to take control of everything, including what to do with it and what people see? Oh yeah, and blatantly it says their is no getting out of it. Their was no way I could shut down and reset that pink phone with the lil dove in the corner down. I just don't know what it is brother but me and technology just don't get on so well. Wouldn't happen to know why brother? I assure you Satan my family are always cooking something up.
Not with my luck in technology lately anyways. You sign on for something and you get something else these days. We now have contracts that have no contract everywhere today. We sign that form every time we go to a doctor or hospital, especially at the front doors of using all these insurance companies. Can't even use it until you sign your rights and life away at the front door. So fuck you Satan. I didn't know what injustice meant when I narrated that poem about all the injustice meant, but I do now. Especially in all these court rooms with all this addiction. That black swill and all the white rocks that lie? Yeah brother their seems to be more than one poison I agreed to take on before I came back to this planet?
I have agreed to take on the poison of that blame, from that garden, didn't I you son of a bitch? I agreed to carry the burden of that lie, in words and action's. Still brother I never took down my father, in fact I found him a home in Graham Washington after I got custody of him. I did not take down my mother funny thing how things happen when someone makes the wrong move on me in front of my children? Apparently Satan that was the truth about just where I came from, and just how I handled myself. They wanted my daughter to see the truth of just what I lived with everyday of my life. I had no idea she was standing outside my window when my mother threw the first punch. How many times did I try to walk away Satan?
They wanted her to experience and see it first hand but not actually have to experience it, didn't they Satan? Only brother again I warned her, and well she threw the first punch didn't she brother? You know what I said to my sister the last time I saw her? She asked me "well why did you come back?" For some reason I needed to see how this goes again? To see if she could actually do it? Follow through with actually helping one of her children with a roof for just a moment without all the control, the strings attached, the head trips and games? She's not capable and she has never been capable. I told my sister, "I learned just what I needed to know." That was my answer and I had no idea what that meant, for some reason me and my sister just understood.
UC Satan I remember being like three years old looking at my mother. At her nose that she happened to be picking at the moment. Yes Satan this mother made me nauseous in more than one way at a very young age. I noticed brother that my mother has a witchy nose just like my sister. It was then that I noticed I had a ball just like my daddy. I remember even at the age of three, "wondering why
the state didn't do some kind of psych evaluation before she had children?" Satan I didn't even know what the state was, a psych evaluation, or that someone could even make that choice for someone else?
So yeah, from sister to brother, "fuck you Satan." Now brother let's talk about turning my mothers love into evol once again? Let's talk about how we keep sex in our family amongst sisters and brothers? What brother again took the hits in my family? What brother escaped from Juvie like what twice? MMMMM! You know brother I wonder what happened to all those lil boys locked up in those cell blocks? In those cages with someone else holding the key's to his cage? His bed? His body? What did they do to my brothers ring of fire Satan? Who's brother took the blame, took the beating, and took the fall so I can be here today?
Where did my brother sleep when my mother dropped him off at my aunt and uncles house? He slept on the back porch with a portable heater. A open space with a tiny laundry room that went outside and into a garage where it was his job to repair lawnmowers wasn't it Satan? So I would say my brother more than paid his rent for that room wouldn't you?
Now brother let's talk about how my brother took care of his baby sister? What was I brother like three years old? That would make him eleven. I was wearing my levi's, and my lil red t-shirt. I would stand watching people sucking my right thumb with my left thumb crooked in my pocket. What was that Satan my first blow job to my brother? We were interrupted and looking back I realize my brother never got to spill his seed. Now brother I had another step brother I was eight years Then lets not forget my new step daddy who wanted nothing to do with me? That is until my sister moved to live with my dad at 1151 Juniper Street. Well actually that is my grandmothers house.
The one where I had the dream of my grandmothers and aunts bedrooms. The dream with primary colored wispy women flying around the room. Funny thing brother It was me who told my grandmother that her mentally disabled daughter is not ill due to the fever she had, but the virus meningitis's. Now Satan how ever did I know that? I was twenty. I just learned this last year that meningitis's comes with a migraine. She was still in her bassinet with a 106 degree temperature packed in ice. It wasn't the fever that killed off her brain Satan was it? It was the virus that caused the migraine, was that her frontal lobe Satan? No one knew her head hurt did they Satan? No help for the pain in my five foot ten aunt. Talk about the hits my family has taken for you brother? All for me to look back on? The pain and suffering of all these curses?
You know what brother I've learned about my family and that black heart? For awhile I wondered if it was Greg's black heart. You know Satan that last marriage he had to a woman named Ann. That was quite the scene wasn't it Satan? All those lil Annie's. Let me see he had a Ann, who by the way happened to look allot like me brother. Ann had a daughter named Anna and well Anna had a lil red headed child named Annie. My daughters niece. Wow! Talk about Cinderella children syndrome. History repeating itself right there in my children's house. My mother cleaned houses, I cleaned houses, my children even had to clean Ann's house and go back and re-do it again before they were married. The killer is she has three daughters of her own, but Greg the father of my children handed them right over.
My children worked as clerks and doing odd jobs to get paid to work in their fathers office after school. Mary Stone comes along with her two sons, who makes more money and my children are downsized to custodial duties and paid less money. A business that he stole from me behind my back. When I walked in one day and discovered my name was no longer on the business license. How did I find out? I got a call to run errands all to find out I couldn't write a check because these two opened new business bank accounts without my name. Still I did not cause a scene standing in my own office being married to this man. What she give you Greg a bill for twelve thousand dollars? I told you Greg my family business isn't for sale. I told you nobody helps anyone for free anymore. I had two surgeries back to back with a six week migraine in between. He told me to "trust him, take a break." After 12 years of marriage. "Greg just because you could you asshole, doesn't mean you should. You ass wipe. You know what I heard brother that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. Well me and my two children, well we three brother we are the perfect storm. I just couldn't figure out if it was political or spiritual? I now know it is both.
You know brother, I got lucky in my childhood not allot happened to me. Truly don't worry no bad seeds spilled here. No bad seed polluted my body. Even my councilors thought I had a healthy attitude about my childhood and that was "hey anything that happened to me is not my responsibility. I was only a child." I wasn't ashamed or did I feel guilty. I knew early on it was not my responsibility but my mothers and fathers. I just got hung over the ring of fire. Burned just a lil bit. It was always it seemed my family around me. My brothers, my sisters, who took it on. Talk about coming back to bite you on the ass. They don't blame me. I didn't pass the poison on, in my heart or mind. It did not control me. I did not have flash backs or hate men or women. It is just something they wanted me to experience and see, isn't that right brother? To look back on one day to get the answers.
You know Satan, when Alex was a toddler, whenever she said the word pop tarts. Funny thing a red king of hearts would flash in my mind. So Satan who's black heart is it? Is it the other brothers? You know the one Satan? The one who holds the cards to the other trinity at the other end of this brothers seven? W hat kind of demon did you place on that brothers head, when he took that hit to the heart? You know the one brother? The one I call Freya 2. The one who's wife died that same day with her sister. You know what I like about this brother Satan? I like that this brother is my wild card. I like that I don't know what cards he holds. Do I brother? Yes that is right when this brother wakes up to why that rug got pulled out from underneath him? He isn't going to be very happy is he Satan? Yes, brother I'm going to love watching that brother throw down the gauntlet.
Ya know Satan I've about had enough of you after the day I had yesterday? I'm so ready to vent my rage? My rage about what it's like to live in this system? What happens when the money comes through? Oh yeah brother I got my red room and I discovered allot more about myself and just who I am in this red room. "Oh Brother where art though" cuz I'm gonna drop kick your mother fucking ass out of this universe. I could really use a whipping boy about now. Someone here on this planet who will understand just what it is I'm going through? Who will understand that when things pile up that all I need is to let it go. Just be in one place and go off. I'm just venting my rage at all the injustice in this system. I let it all out in one clean swoop. It's usually about the behavior, the situation that IC. Not the person I'm venting about just the behavior of someone else piling their scams and bullshit upon me. I am done brother. I will speak.
You know Satan, Greg would always accuse me of getting scammed. Didn't matter what it was. That dumb shit mother fucking asshole never went however. My whole life I stood in the garage with the men. So yeah you can say I learned a few things. I worked on cars a few time with my father, my boyfriend Kevin my first love, who is a twin by the way Satan. Watched him take a Datsun 510 and put Mazda rotary engine in it back in the 80's. I stood in the garage with all my lil step daddies and my uncles, including my Uncle Marvin Chambers. You know him Satan right? I remember this one well. I remember and I understand just what uncle in my life he represents.
I'd go out there because I was a in betweener in this family. That's what happens when two sisters who are ten years apart hang out allot? So my cousins at my age were four to 8 years younger than me. So as a child I hung with them allot. At a time in my life it was time for me to sit at the big table, with the adults and no one noticed? Then for my older cousins it was kind of convenient to have a built in sitter to play with the younger ones. So yeah I'd hang out in the back ground watching what the big boy's do in the garage with all their toy's and tools of the trade for their time?
I got to see how cars have changed? The parts and even the tools? I got to see what it takes to maintain something? It never really bothered me a man hanging out in the garage. They don't do much, they go inside their head. They tinker and at times tanker out, taking things apart and putting them back together. That is how some people learn in life. They are hands on. When you take something apart and put it back together you learn how it works. Like Benjamin Franklin with the kite and electricity he learned electricity from mother nature herself. When I looked at it from that perspective things started to dawn on me about energy? How it flows? What components it takes to connect, to ignite that spark?
Oh Satan their I go veering off in the wrong direction just when I'm ready to let you have it. I will say this I've had it with all these scams and people ripping each other off because they are backed in a corner. So they do something illegal, they rent rooms to people and they don't tell the whole truth so now their mess becomes mine and two other peoples. She was given a check by the state for $1800 paid. My rent is seven hundred. At the beginning of this story I admit I didn't like those sevens very much. Not one God Damned bit. Who the fuck has seven daughters with two sets of twins? Who does that? I mean were they planning to have more? Horrifying right? It gets worse. Red Heads? In my head I heard "all grown" but all I could see was "one hot mess." It gets worse, his wife died in a car wreck, and he was left to raise them on his own. Cancer to boot. What the fuck brother!
That is the thing working as a server at a truck stop. You hear all kinds of shit. Men try to lure you with, their charm, their good looks and money. None of it last or is it real. Then you have the ones who try to be cute and funny wasting my time when I have a room full of people, and food to wrangle and haggle once I step up to that line. You see when I am trying to do my job and men want to be cute and waste my time, telling me how wonderful they really are with their long drawn out stories and well some days boys I'm truly "just there to take your food order. I got a job to do. The whole time your talking to me my mind is off to the next step for me and the other people sitting at these tables.
I'm off to timing and navigation time. Dropping the bread, getting the drink's, all the while eyeing the tables I need to clear, drinks I need to refill, while customers from all walks of life, having different days of their own expecting different things, are walking in the door expecting a meet and greet with a pretty lil smile on my face just to make you happy. All for that two dollar tip. I am not on the menu and well truth be told my smiles aren't free either. I'm tired of dealing with rude people. I'm tired of working for managers who play a bunch of head games with peoples lives because they can. Just because you could doesn't mean you should. You might want to remember this point Father X. Just for future reference.
Integrity in a job any job you do, tells you allot about the quality of a person. It's not about the job or the money, it's about what you do in any job you agree to do. It's about integrity at the work place and in the work place. It's about how we treat each other everyday in society no matter who does what. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking and not being ashamed to do it. Does the company and corporation you work for make it possible on both side of the coin for you to accomplish your job everyday? Particularly when you deal with the public? No Satan these corporations that black square I see is the cause and effect on our economy. All that stress for what is it we pay for air Satan? We now no longer even need that money tree anymore do we brother? Not that it ever existed, did it brother?
I don't know about you but I am truly finding that pretty hard to accomplish. Looking back on some of my job's it occurred to me that just by looking at a persons eyes when they look at me, they are going to make me a fall guy? I realized that with my first meeting with L. Martinez when I worked at Lockheed in Human Resources. I was hired as a Admin for new hires. Literally when Lockheed stopped hiring. So instead I was placed in a file room as a clerk pulling employee files in a recession for lay offs. Still had my cubicle on the other side of the room. I walked in one morning and I watched Rita my lead going through my desk. I asked her if I could help her find something? Of course not.
During my breaks I would go to my desk and balance my checkbook. Money was tight. Rent was six hundred in California and I only made eight dollars a hour. Next thing you know I'm being called in the office to have a discussion with my new temporary boss because it seems we were starting a new thing called cross training in the office. Office cross training is when they take people and they hire them for one position, yet have them actually do and sit in doing some one else's job in someone else's department. Yeah you know get you to learn how to do two jobs all for the price of one? Looks good on the resume, don't it?
Apparently I am no longer allowed to take my breaks at my own desk, it looks bad for the department if I take personal time at my desk. The department doesn't look busy enough I could get laid off. My new training supervisor was Tim and well Tim was allot younger than Mrs. Martinez. He was our new star player.I had never seen a weaselly more piece of shit, than this man. That man's presentation alone, the way he dressed and presented himself for the job they hired him for is amazing? How could anybody look at this man and not know their is something wrong with his self esteem and he was the new star player hired to take over my managers bosses position when he retired. So much went down from there looking back it is not even funny.
Remember I don't do politics. It was in California when I realized that whenever I watched the news it would make me really sad inside. I used to watch the news with my grandpa Paasch but for many years I couldn't even look at it. It was like something inside me didn't want to know. I didn't get depressed. It was just a emotion that passed. I avoided it by not watching the news and going on with my life. You have no idea the shit I put up with after that. Talk about office politics with a dash of bible thumping to boot. I could no longer go to or participate in office meetings. Mrs. Martinez comes back to give me a review as she is letting me know their was a problem, just before this review.
I had pulled a employee file that someone else requested who was allowed to request it. I know because I checked his credentials. It seems another employee saw her name on a file that I handed to the gentleman who requested it. I looked at L. I said, "I work in employee files and I do my job. I don't discriminate, I'm standing in a secure department for Christ sake, I truly don't even think to look at the names on the files I am pulling or do I look in them. Actually, I did. It was the education part. What education you needed to do what job type of thing. These employee files rotate in and out, including our own. Especially during lay off time. L. cast her eye's down, She wraps her arms across her chest, this is after the first conversation we had had about the truth of what had been happening to me while she was gone. L. say's "well Colleen in the future you might want to hold these files across your chest before you hand them over." I said, "L. I have a computer to check, I'm in a secure area with people who have all been checked out and because someone else is a admin across the hall I take the hit?
L. keeps her head down, as she slides my review across the desk. Even people from other H.R. departments were pulling my file. I called one I had had enough, I asked, just why are you pulling my file? "I want you to transfer to my department" he said. As much as I would of loved that, I realized that the pay scale just isn't worth all this stress. I had dental surgery coming up again and a wedding in Hawaii to attend, it was also just when my grandfather just died.
The one who held my hand on our walks. The one I watched the fights with. The one who took me in when my mother stepped over the line. I mean looking back and knowing what I know, talk about sins of thy father. Well sins of thy father and mother. They created that storm above my mothers head. That black magic troll demon that sits on my mother head. Cause and effects of energy when a choice goes horribly wrong. I wouldn't want to of been a lil girl sitting at a table with both her parents and told "that it is her job to service Mr. Chambers himself." My aunt Doris was a cripple he liked to call her, Hoogie. She was shot in the hip at age eleven and well I guess every grown man has his needs for lil girls? So yeah my uncle Marvin got a twofer for the price of one. Funny thing was my grandfather was not a Herbert. Funny thing is this is around the time my grandfather started having heart attacks by the age of forty. That heart chakra to be exact.
That heart Satan? Satan you are no cupid that's for sure. That is why you like it when people walk around like horses with blinders on. Oh yeah brother they won't even look at that storm that is happening all across the nations in so many ways. The weather, the politics and the end to all those big books. Yeah Satan at first I thought that black heart was mine. I wondered for awhile which brother of mine owns that black heart? My heart I admit Satan is Jaded, but it is not a cold dead black heart.
You remember brother everything I see is a manifestation and a representation at the same time. On this planet, in mankind, everything represents all the way up through planet's and heaven. So yeah Satan you remember how this works, right? Oh yeah, its been a long time for you right? You might be a lil behind on how this family tree works Let me finish up Mrs. Martinez first, I went back to that file room and I pulled her file and Tim's file. I went straight for education, employment history, and salary. You know what I found Satan? It seems Mrs. L. got passed over for a potential promotion right off the bat.
Was Mrs. L. even in the running anymore Certainly didn't seem so. I mean they certainly didn't start out on even ground. If I remember right Mrs. L had been at the company for like ten years, and our new boy Timmy is making ten grand more for the same job Mrs. Martinez had. Truth be told I still never got into this issue with equal paycheck per person, based on experience and quality of work, not race, color, gender or creed. So yeah I got the news my grandfather died, during a study group. I screamed, NOOOO! I ran to my room and I cried alone. Greg's study group even asked him "shouldn't you go tend to her? Her grandfather just died right before her wedding? Greg said "no she'll be fine." You think I didn't want out of this wedding? I made the commitment already it seems. To marry the brother with the biggest deflector I have ever seen.
What do you expect when your mother dipped you in gold to protect you? Looking back It didn't matter what I said, or how nice I said it. I would even put the blame on me starting out to lighten the load of any conversation even when it was them who crossed the respect line so many time's. Opening my mail for one. Bob actually ran over my right heel when he stopped the car outside the garage and I went to step out and he took off driving. When Bob got out of the car I said "Bob, you just ran over my foot as I was getting out of the car." He went off on how it was my fault. I just stood there dumbfounded.
It didn't matter what conversation I had, even just brainstorming ideas for the most basic thing. I would say to Greg, "It doesn't matter what it is, I can say, the sky is blue.I have your father on one side telling me how the sky is blue and your mother on the other telling me how much it cost." Never seen such a small group of deflectors who would blame someone else for others most basic reactions to some pretty big things? I never seen a family start running on assumption and start spreading the lies on their own behavior so fast. Then just sweep it under the carpet while they leave you holding the blame and the bag for their own behavior. Cause and effect. Cause and reaction of emotions. Something that is absolutely not allowed in this family. Now imagine if you were raised to not show any emotions at the most crazy things, already knowing my mothers way just isn't the way to do things? Humiliate and bully right Satan? She would even brag about how she can still kick her daughters ass. I always would just walk away and wonder to myself, "who does that or even thinks it is okay to behave or brag about such a thing? Especially your own children?"
Quite frankly I never did have any desire to go off half caulked and blame someone else for anything. Truth be told because of my mother I have been studying peoples behavior all my life. Now what happens when you marry into a family of deflectors? Looking back over everything, every scene of my whole life being re-played in my head. Stuff I had never thought off again or would ever have any desire to look at. In every picture out of all these years their is just one pattern. That I only exploded two times. I had every right to be very angry over and over you have no idea. The one common denominator is that I never blew my stack but two times. The reason why I didn't is because I have compassion for others. I have always seen the bigger picture without even knowing it why people behaved the way they do? Cause and effect of the mother and the father for each one that came before and how they came to be in their personalities and behavior in that moment. You make people deflect out of fear don't you Satan? They have fear that I am going to tell them their is something wrong with them? When it was just the behavior. disrespect and crossing of that line.
I have a tendency to walk away. Truth be told at times what is the point anymore? You can only do this dance so many times before you tire out. When we moved back from California I had discovered something in Elaine's behavior with Greg. Her body language, actions and words. Sure they were nice to his face. I realized after like three years of marriage that we have a problem between mom and son. That she really had not a clue about him but she had allot of assumptions. I was flabbergasted but I didn't show it. We spent six months living downstairs to save more money to buy a house. I knew from this one conversation this was not going to be a fun ride.
I mean this was the game plan all along. During this game plan Elaine thought it would be a good idea to move her other son Steve and his new bi-polar wife in with us all at the same time. I love Christine early on just not the behavior. So you bet I spent a couple day's for eight hours talking to councilors. One that could just get to the heart of things, not a bunch of lets just all stand in a room and scream it out. I already knew that was not gonna work. I couldn't even influx my voice without people coming all undone. I paid three hundred dollars out of my own pocket for this one. Sure enough right at the beginning of the session I watched Elaine cross her arms and turn her back on Greg. Things went well. Bob was practically dancing and kicking his heels walking out of there. Elaine I had hoped that Elaine learned it's not about blame. I realized early on it doesn't matter what you say to them they feel blamed. So they counteract with blame on their own behavior all because I have learned at a very young age to diffuse situations ahead of time.
You know what else I learned brother? That when you walk away from someone else's behavior and they place the blame on your for their own behavior, that each time I didn't stop and defend myself with the truth of those lies that I was left with that the assumption of the lie. I was left with the burdens of the lie and that each time it was spread, the assumption of the lie grew bigger and well my lets just say that's how poison spreads. That is how I get left carrying someone else's burden. They couldn't see the lie in the behavior. In that lie is a darkness we cannot see. Isn't that right brother? Another dagger to the heart. Each time someone you love and you have shown healthy love, it is another dagger to the heart. Another rejection you might say. This is the heart of the matter right here.
I have discovered that truly it when we take a hit to the heart from either the mother or the father, because lets face it it takes two to make a baby here on this planet anyways. It doesn't matter if it is the mother and father as in your physical parents here. It could be the representation of a Mother and Father, as in husband and wife who have children. Once we get hit and our heart breaks and bleeds our bodies mastitis that pain into illness. Cancer, arthritis, degenerative disease. Our physical bodies take the emotional hit. That pain grows and grows for example I have seven burning disc, that goes through now just waves of pain come on for a few days. I don't hurt all over, all the time, inside and out anymore. I am healing brother, I am getting stronger, aren't I brother?
Right at my heart chakra I have two disc that butterfly out. I am healing because I was willing and not afraid to do something different and sit on that God Damned red rock when they told me to do it. Even if the only time my back really hurt was sitting on that red rock. Like being told to stay put. I knew it hurt my children to see me on that red rock with feathers in my hair. Waiting for what I truly had no idea, not at the time anyway. I just agreed to do what I was told, and the only that got hurt on this journey is me and my children. So yeah Satan, MY BROTHER. I'm going to keep going.
That black heart brother. I shall return time for a smoke.
Oh yeah, a big thanks to Google Chrome for sending me on this pass code highway to hell. Ya know I have been colleenmof2 since around my divorce. Didn't matter the server or application same user name. Sign up for Google Chrome wow! Hell, that is all I can say and ever since moving along in this system I have so many user codes and I.D.'s, I don't even know anymore. You try being a homeless woman having my cell phone's, I'D's, and writing's lost or stolen? Always having to start over. No matter how much I carried on me at all times, well hell sometimes you just gotta put something down. If even for just a moment. The next thing ya know I turn around and it's gone.
So yeah Google Chrome I have gotten pretty creative with these pass codes and user names. It just so happens at just the right time in my life, searching out those names, numbers and families I used to know. If only to remember what I saw in each face and just who they are to me? In the eyes, the shapes, of the noses that lead right down to that smile right down to the heart. So yeah Satan at that time in my life while on your pass code highway to hell always having to start over on everything every time I switched servers? Some days I'm like fuck you, up yours google chrome. I get so mad I'm like Fuck you Satan, every time these servers shut down. I have to start over with that Colleenmof12 on everything. I'm not sure what IC in here but I never understood why a great company like google, would put blatantly in their contract they will come in to take control of everything, including what to do with it and what people see? Oh yeah, and blatantly it says their is no getting out of it. Their was no way I could shut down and reset that pink phone with the lil dove in the corner down. I just don't know what it is brother but me and technology just don't get on so well. Wouldn't happen to know why brother? I assure you Satan my family are always cooking something up.
Not with my luck in technology lately anyways. You sign on for something and you get something else these days. We now have contracts that have no contract everywhere today. We sign that form every time we go to a doctor or hospital, especially at the front doors of using all these insurance companies. Can't even use it until you sign your rights and life away at the front door. So fuck you Satan. I didn't know what injustice meant when I narrated that poem about all the injustice meant, but I do now. Especially in all these court rooms with all this addiction. That black swill and all the white rocks that lie? Yeah brother their seems to be more than one poison I agreed to take on before I came back to this planet?
I have agreed to take on the poison of that blame, from that garden, didn't I you son of a bitch? I agreed to carry the burden of that lie, in words and action's. Still brother I never took down my father, in fact I found him a home in Graham Washington after I got custody of him. I did not take down my mother funny thing how things happen when someone makes the wrong move on me in front of my children? Apparently Satan that was the truth about just where I came from, and just how I handled myself. They wanted my daughter to see the truth of just what I lived with everyday of my life. I had no idea she was standing outside my window when my mother threw the first punch. How many times did I try to walk away Satan?
They wanted her to experience and see it first hand but not actually have to experience it, didn't they Satan? Only brother again I warned her, and well she threw the first punch didn't she brother? You know what I said to my sister the last time I saw her? She asked me "well why did you come back?" For some reason I needed to see how this goes again? To see if she could actually do it? Follow through with actually helping one of her children with a roof for just a moment without all the control, the strings attached, the head trips and games? She's not capable and she has never been capable. I told my sister, "I learned just what I needed to know." That was my answer and I had no idea what that meant, for some reason me and my sister just understood.
UC Satan I remember being like three years old looking at my mother. At her nose that she happened to be picking at the moment. Yes Satan this mother made me nauseous in more than one way at a very young age. I noticed brother that my mother has a witchy nose just like my sister. It was then that I noticed I had a ball just like my daddy. I remember even at the age of three, "wondering why
the state didn't do some kind of psych evaluation before she had children?" Satan I didn't even know what the state was, a psych evaluation, or that someone could even make that choice for someone else?
So yeah, from sister to brother, "fuck you Satan." Now brother let's talk about turning my mothers love into evol once again? Let's talk about how we keep sex in our family amongst sisters and brothers? What brother again took the hits in my family? What brother escaped from Juvie like what twice? MMMMM! You know brother I wonder what happened to all those lil boys locked up in those cell blocks? In those cages with someone else holding the key's to his cage? His bed? His body? What did they do to my brothers ring of fire Satan? Who's brother took the blame, took the beating, and took the fall so I can be here today?
Where did my brother sleep when my mother dropped him off at my aunt and uncles house? He slept on the back porch with a portable heater. A open space with a tiny laundry room that went outside and into a garage where it was his job to repair lawnmowers wasn't it Satan? So I would say my brother more than paid his rent for that room wouldn't you?
Now brother let's talk about how my brother took care of his baby sister? What was I brother like three years old? That would make him eleven. I was wearing my levi's, and my lil red t-shirt. I would stand watching people sucking my right thumb with my left thumb crooked in my pocket. What was that Satan my first blow job to my brother? We were interrupted and looking back I realize my brother never got to spill his seed. Now brother I had another step brother I was eight years Then lets not forget my new step daddy who wanted nothing to do with me? That is until my sister moved to live with my dad at 1151 Juniper Street. Well actually that is my grandmothers house.
The one where I had the dream of my grandmothers and aunts bedrooms. The dream with primary colored wispy women flying around the room. Funny thing brother It was me who told my grandmother that her mentally disabled daughter is not ill due to the fever she had, but the virus meningitis's. Now Satan how ever did I know that? I was twenty. I just learned this last year that meningitis's comes with a migraine. She was still in her bassinet with a 106 degree temperature packed in ice. It wasn't the fever that killed off her brain Satan was it? It was the virus that caused the migraine, was that her frontal lobe Satan? No one knew her head hurt did they Satan? No help for the pain in my five foot ten aunt. Talk about the hits my family has taken for you brother? All for me to look back on? The pain and suffering of all these curses?
You know what brother I've learned about my family and that black heart? For awhile I wondered if it was Greg's black heart. You know Satan that last marriage he had to a woman named Ann. That was quite the scene wasn't it Satan? All those lil Annie's. Let me see he had a Ann, who by the way happened to look allot like me brother. Ann had a daughter named Anna and well Anna had a lil red headed child named Annie. My daughters niece. Wow! Talk about Cinderella children syndrome. History repeating itself right there in my children's house. My mother cleaned houses, I cleaned houses, my children even had to clean Ann's house and go back and re-do it again before they were married. The killer is she has three daughters of her own, but Greg the father of my children handed them right over.
My children worked as clerks and doing odd jobs to get paid to work in their fathers office after school. Mary Stone comes along with her two sons, who makes more money and my children are downsized to custodial duties and paid less money. A business that he stole from me behind my back. When I walked in one day and discovered my name was no longer on the business license. How did I find out? I got a call to run errands all to find out I couldn't write a check because these two opened new business bank accounts without my name. Still I did not cause a scene standing in my own office being married to this man. What she give you Greg a bill for twelve thousand dollars? I told you Greg my family business isn't for sale. I told you nobody helps anyone for free anymore. I had two surgeries back to back with a six week migraine in between. He told me to "trust him, take a break." After 12 years of marriage. "Greg just because you could you asshole, doesn't mean you should. You ass wipe. You know what I heard brother that I don't need to be inside to clean any house. Well me and my two children, well we three brother we are the perfect storm. I just couldn't figure out if it was political or spiritual? I now know it is both.
You know brother, I got lucky in my childhood not allot happened to me. Truly don't worry no bad seeds spilled here. No bad seed polluted my body. Even my councilors thought I had a healthy attitude about my childhood and that was "hey anything that happened to me is not my responsibility. I was only a child." I wasn't ashamed or did I feel guilty. I knew early on it was not my responsibility but my mothers and fathers. I just got hung over the ring of fire. Burned just a lil bit. It was always it seemed my family around me. My brothers, my sisters, who took it on. Talk about coming back to bite you on the ass. They don't blame me. I didn't pass the poison on, in my heart or mind. It did not control me. I did not have flash backs or hate men or women. It is just something they wanted me to experience and see, isn't that right brother? To look back on one day to get the answers.
You know Satan, when Alex was a toddler, whenever she said the word pop tarts. Funny thing a red king of hearts would flash in my mind. So Satan who's black heart is it? Is it the other brothers? You know the one Satan? The one who holds the cards to the other trinity at the other end of this brothers seven? W hat kind of demon did you place on that brothers head, when he took that hit to the heart? You know the one brother? The one I call Freya 2. The one who's wife died that same day with her sister. You know what I like about this brother Satan? I like that this brother is my wild card. I like that I don't know what cards he holds. Do I brother? Yes that is right when this brother wakes up to why that rug got pulled out from underneath him? He isn't going to be very happy is he Satan? Yes, brother I'm going to love watching that brother throw down the gauntlet.
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