Black Veil Brides/Scarlet Cross

 I just don't even no where to begin so much has happened in so little time. Yes I turned to a program with the state for housing. To find out if they have housing for someone like me. Just checking into it. I have a meeting with her this next Thursday. Tyler is going to take me so I can donate all this knew bathroom stuff for someone as disabled as myself. Plus the walker. I was honest. I told her why. Michael's behavior was off the chart's and getting more vindictive.

Simple Man/Shinedown

No I don't want to move. I have bigger fish to fry. I started out in 9th grade saying "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Murphy's law. Story of my life. SOmeone cock blocking me, making thing's hard. Standing in my way of love. Standing in my way of being a normal teen. Hell couldn't kiss a boy without high maintenance Heidi, boo hoo he doesn't like me. He kissed her. Crying loudly going down the hall. I can assure to you, just because you have a crush on him and he's nice to you doesn't mean he is crushing back on you. He is not a possesion, let alone your possesion. 

Loser/Beck

That was just the beginning of the relationship's in my life. I have been going back to the dream where it was ending with me walking through a warehouse and everyone in there were making and processing various kind's of flag's. Then at the very end I woke up at the bottom of a landfill and I had to crawl up and out of this hole. I remember thinking around here, another paws moment in my life, why is everything so hard. Why do people keep pulling the rug out from under me. Threatening me. I can't speak or defend myself at someone verbally assaulting me. Threatening me. Then as soon as I go to speak, I get physically assaulted.

First It Giveth/Queens Of The Stone Age

You know once you have that scarlett letter A. You are marked. It doesn't matter how much I turn and walk away no one let's me walk away. Not without making me pay. Like I call the cops. What do they see. That yes I've been drinking. I have said and done nothing towrd someone. Does that mean someone has the right to assault me. Does the punishment fit the crime? Your blanket justice system is done.

Ramblin Man/ABry

That is what happened with Michael a few month's back. I got into bed. Fell asleep on my right side as usual. I literally just fell asleep. I awake with Michael sitting on my chest pinning down my shoulders, His tempurpedic foam pillow on my face. Probably better that the feather or cotton pillow. I at the time didn't understand how I was able to turn my head at times, tucking my chin down to the very edge getting in someair and whispering please stop. I can no longer breath this way. So I'd turn my head in the other direction.

Feelin Alright/JC

It was the give of the temurpedic foam that made it so I could turn my head. He was pushing down and following my head. Yes, I call the cops after he released me. He get's dressed and walk's out the door during my phone call. The police assume I was drunk. Fully coherent. I am weak in the leg's, my balance (equilibrium is off) I'm standing wide legged, swaying back and forth. Because of the weakness of my leg muscles, my muscles are tired and strained from trying to stand, so this is where the shaky leg's happen's.

I KNow Your OUt There SOmewhere/MB

Just with this situation, right here and that scarlet letter. Peoples opinions during and after Greg the attitude is I must of done something to deserve this. She must of been out of control, she doesn't know what she's doing. She's a drunk. Mike said to the police I was hitting him. No I didn't have time to hit him. I could fell asleep on my right and turned to my left and maybe my hand swung around but no I was not hitting him. If I was he knew I was asleep. Since when does someone my size and his get's to turn to murder. I remember everything step by step sneaking into bed quietly, so as not to wake Michael. Yes, I'm weak and shaky. Why all the trying not to wake him with just the shaking alone.

Good Times Roll/Cars

Yes, I was honest with Min why. I have to answer the why's before I apply to even get housing. Is it the right program for me? Which mean's what hoop's do I have to jump through once again? How much more control and down grading do I have to go through once again? Every program with the State you have to be programed to fit in there box of rules. So Min couldn't get a hold of me on Thursday. I told her what I have noticed in Michael lately. This has never happened before in 11 years.

Green River/CCR

I knew I was meeting with her next Thursday to find out more. She couldn't reach me to speak about what I had noticed lately, and she turn's me in to the State for another judge to make a devision on my life and home. That is just it, once big brother get's a hold of you, you have no right's. No rights to even speak.

Baby, I Love Your Way/PF

I know now why people say, no contest? What's the point. I have been buried under ever since I got my divorce. The character assaination alone. The destruction of my life. Everywhere, my children's school, which saw nothing. There was nothing to see. My contractors in my business. My click of friend's I had made here in the valley. My friend's from my past. What I had considered family since like fifth grade. It was deafening. I still had no idea of the set up until the day before my foot surgery. I knew legally Greg couldn't sign me out of my business. For one thing he wasn't smart enough.

Can't You Hear ME Knocking/RS

He literally sold me out. He said when Mary gave him a bill for 12,000 bucks he felt he owed her. Truth is this started the day Greg came home walked into the office where I was sitting at the computer. As usual I work at home in the summer, My goal was to go in in the evening for my yoga people. Then I was going to be in that lobby at that desk while my girls are in school. They tried 2 other times to set me up. They didn't get a reaction. No this had to be done legally. There was no justice system.

Daylight]Shinedown

Your justice system is to slow and it doesn't add up to shite. No I am not standing in front of another judge. I know what V said to me on our walk. My one crazy day or so I thot. She had said whatever Michael does let him do it. Michael is going thru all the stages I have been thru in each long term relationship. Right down to a T. Wow! I have never ever seen so much hate in Michael. I've seen the childish temper tantrums due to his lil demon child. Holding him down and hiding who he really is. 

Legendary/Skillet

Is this kid doing him any favors? Not in my perspective, this is why I think when this goes down and at first crash boom bang God is taking people home to heaven. Then for the next 48 hours we go dark. The whole planet. This is the purge. This is where all the past and present God's and souls. Angels Aliens and Demons are going to hit this planet. Their is a number four. The storm. The mother and the whole God Damned family are going to hit this rock. Heaven on earth baby.

No Appologies/PR

In the mean time the timing. This is not a good time for any of this. On Friday I finally got Michael to speak. Aparently when he was talking about 35 thousand feet, I thot dropping me 35 thousand feet and then splat. I hate it when he talks under his breath, making sure I can hear part of it. It is so mother flocking childish. I had texted him on Friday when I got the message from Min that she turned us into the court system.

Lifetime/3 days Grace

Of course her day off of work. I said to Michael now look we once again have big brother up our ass making decisions for us because you couldn't stop this bad behavior. I mean my God telling me you wish I was dead, that you want to kill me? Then I realized he tried already. Going back over his behavior lately. I mean the needling, talking under his breath. Accusing me of doing something if I have any reaction to anything at all. I thot he was in bed one night. I thot the front door was locked. Mike was out front. When he walked in the front door it was loudly. It startled me I screamed. Not out of control. He's accusing me of being high. I'm not and I said that is a normal reaction for anyone.

California Dreamin/DH

Yes, I have been thru this b4. The threats of character assaination. I'm going to call your daughter and tell her your drunk and high. Your out of control and have you committed. I'm going to get you put in a home. I asked him then, why are you doing this? This hate, blame and vindictivness. So he's threatening my roof over my head. He's threatening to destroy me. Like my mother, Greg, Carey, Jim and now Mike. First I'm walking on egg shells. Dmned if I do. DAmned if I don't. If I can, I do. I have already had Mike helping me alot since he got home. Emptying my bucket full of urine and feces. Emptying my puke garbage can. 

Had To Know/JC

Cleaning me off. Getting me meds and water. Taking me to the bathroom. Normal care giver stuff. If I can I do. For example if I have to go to the bathroom, he'll get pissed bcuz he's right there. He can help me. Then if I do ask he'll do this big sigh, normally doesn't respond negatively but now he is. I can hear and see the frustration taking care of me. Mike has to do and carry all the laundry. He has to do and carry all the groceries and has had to for over a year. As I'm getting worse so has Mike physically.

MZ Hyde/Halestorm

He has a job he loves. The commute is average and hour and a half each way, but three different types of transportaions it can be hours longer. If he drives, same time. He tries to view any walking he has to do as an oppurtunity to move. That's what I did B4 I used my walking to get to bus stop to bus stop. All I did was stretch my hips and I just kept moving. Stopping I might not get started again.

Royal Blood/Light's Out

I know one thing I don't need big brother up my ass now. I'm having a hard enpugh time just to keep up my own proof of life. I know one thing neither Michael nor I can move now. We are supposed to be together. Looking at his behavior step by step I even told him on Friday this is classic abuse behavior. The accusation's, the egg shells, the threats of destruction of my character. The proof and blame game. Threats of destruction. Living back on the street's, which I know is not an option. 

Rest In Peace]Dorothy

Wow! The hate, the vindictivness. Been here done this many times over. The control. No defense, not allowed to defend or speak. Then get's physical. Truly it doesn't even have to be physical. I just can't believe everything I have been writing about, and living thru, all my God Damned life is threats and attacks of destruction. Right down to ruining my credit at the beginning of my life, which held me up from building even more credit. All because I tried to set a boundary. What happen's I take the blame for someone elses behavior who is wondering what the fuck is going on with our mother?

The Liars Club/CC

I mean I had been gone 6 days a week. Getting up early coming home late. I had no idea the destruction my mother was causing just for trying to set a boundary. So I don't hate my first job, all these demands over and over. My sister was like all this because you tried to set a boundary. Their goes my car, my wardrobe all that I had aquired to get to school, just ot make me suffer and pay. My sister tried finding the medical bills I believe a total of 3 dollars.

Blow/Eva Under Fire

Yeah I know something is brewing and coming closer, just by both mine and Michaels physical capabilities and limitations. He never knows what he's going to come home 2. Me siitin in my own urine, bcuz I can't lift my hip sockets or move my leg's to make it to the John. I can just see it, people thinking my blood is going to cure them, and I can't even heal myself. U do know woth the weakening of the muscles, the heart is a muscle. I can just see and hear Greg and my mother I am to blame. I did something to bring this on myself. I deserve this. No one deserves a delilibating disease. On top of cancer. Heart Disease, and so much more. Would I wish this on anyone at the moment friwnd or foe? No 

Worst Is On It's Way]Korn

I know it's not proof red yet. More important to write while I can.

Malevolence, Demon or simply a sign of something big is brewing out there hurry up.

 I have no title for this post. I need to type this while I once again am getting stronger. Already I feel my fingers twitching and they are weak. I need to type this out before Michael comes home or is it even Michael? Sounds strange I know. It started out with I'll be damned if I do or damned if I don't. If I am weak I'll still get up, I have to do it during the day anyway. Depending on the stage I am at. With Michael being here I'll try to do things on my own feeling safer to test out my body, am I dizzy and or weak? 

He'll get pissed I'm being told I have to stay down, that I am to ask him and he'll get it. Then their is the flip side to that he get's mad if I ask for something. I'll say things when I ask like the next time U get up or I'll compile a list and tell him the list. Usually like a glass of water and or my big girl pull ups. Just small stuff that is a big help. U don't realize how much and how draining it is to just being able to do the basic body functions until U R unable to do them independently. 

Depending on another human being for everything takes it's toll on both sides. It's like make up my mind. Which way, up or down? Just tell me or I'm stuck having to walk on egg shells, just stop telling me one thing then he goes in the oppsite direction. At first not telling me. Im expected to read minds. It might seem like I can read minds but as of yet I can't. So far it's the emotion of someone. They may show me something by making me feel and some how see the pain. The purge of emotions.

With Michael I think I am dealing with demon number 3. Today I put it out there to my angles, God, guides. Who knows whose going to answer but I need an answer. Going back to Michael showing any agression was the black wolf demon. I saw the little boy demon already and as a proof of life my POL's I found in writing she starts to C demon's. So far on this journey I've seen 4. 

Like this last year I think was the next stage I can't remember if it was the night he tried to suffocate me. I mean literally waking up pinned down by his knees on my shoulders with the pillow pushing against my face. I don't know to this day which part Michael lied to the police about like why he did it? How long he did it for? I would tuck my head down to the side and breathing out of a crack between mattress and pillow. I'm doing a whisper begging for him to stop. He told the police that I was hitting him in his sleep. Even if I was U have the right to defend but are U going overboard. I mean he's much taller and bigger.

What did I learn from this experience after I heard they released him what's the point? What is the point to once again ask for help. I said to the woman U just released my abuser. Well the policeman saw that you had shaky leg's that U likely were drunk and hitting him. All these assumptions and no one came here to ask the victim. 

I have to ask let's say I was just stumbling drunk like Michael told to the police, blah blah blah. Michael knew my symptoms and that I'm at the tremors all over my whole body, I'm weak trying to hold mysrlf up. Yes I might stay on my feet but I'm standing wide legged and swaying back and forth all while the major tremors. That's all Michael had to do was mention that scarleyy letter A and I no longer have a voice. I no longer have any truth. It seems every time I open my mouth nothing but lies fall out.

All I did was quietly slide in2 bed on my right side as usual. Fell asleep quickly. I mean I literally just fell asleep. Then later Michael starts grabbing me getting in2 my face hands on my throat threatening me. First it's the roof over my head. He say's I can throw U out right now how would U like that? In this condition yeah I could do that or make one phone call to your daughter and we can go before a judge and have U committed. He's laughing, yeah he's got me cornered.

What would start the bickering was usually this scenario, Michael out of the mother fucking blue would start making small comments to get my ire up. Accusing me of things, and Id ask people, ask not tell him to please stop. Not now Michael I don't want to do this. He will keep going like a child poking and teasing me. It's amazing I still have not exploded. I'd say to Michael everything your accusing mr of U need to look in the mirror.

What he would do is have me in his grip, he's in my face going oh oh oh not one word or I'm throwing U out on your ass. U can sleep outside in the elements. U can go back to living in the woods with the other animals. I mean really, when does the means justify the end? Lately Ive been thinking about susan powers, "stop the insanity."

Then last night Michaels behavior truly did scare me. I mean I had no idea what to do. I don't think I was thinking about this being a demon until early this morning when he said he wanted me dead. He wishes I was dead and that he hates me. Telling me he means it. This is what I mean by abuse of power. Me locked in a corner and like everyone else they want complete ownership of me.

On and off today my mind kept going back to Michael and this crazy behavior. The escalation of the verbal and physical abuse. For a few seconds I was pissed at Michael, like God damnit not another demon. U C yes I can C demons but only if they upstairs want me to C it, the part they forgot is how to dispel a demon. Yes I've been wondering where are my watcher's, my protectors, my guides and that includes my brother sitting at the dining room table. His shadow is elbow's on knees head down. When I saw my brother in 3rd grade he had just escaped juvie. Somewhere he should of never had been,

I'm removed from the house just as I C my step dad taking off his belt. I don't think my brother had ever even met this man. There my mother stands all proud of her man. This is the same pose that Mr. 666 sit's in when he is abandoning me letting me handle a situation that isn't even my issue in the first place. For example Greg's fatal attraction, I find out 4 months later from this jacked up crazy woman ruining our family, our livlihood bcuz truly this is a psycho way to get ayyrntion from your husband. Greg literally said to me it is my responsibilty to get these 2 people in Greg's office to meet with us and Mr.Chan, Greg's boss.

It just never ended. By this time my goals were to once again ge thru this fire then we can just be a family without all this drama and chaos coming down on my head.

Now back to demon number 3, turn's out I was right about who I was seeing inside him? Last time it was a what, this time it's a molevelent man, I know one thing and one thing only that is he wants me dead. I can tell U what he looked like in human form once upon a time. I can tell U his intent and why. What I can't tell U is his name? Where he's from besides hell? 

I'd have to say Michael has to know that he's there inside him by now. U should of seen him when he got home. Literally picks a fight with me. Starts digging at nothing, then he turn's around like I'm the one doing this, how he's not going to argue with me. I went to reply to an accusation and the look and the body language was like a crazy Christopher Walken. Well that might be not the best analogy. I mean the crazy Chris hair. 

 

Malevolent is the best word to describe

Maniac

 Maniac that's how I feel at this moment. Dancing needing to write. Sweat sparaying around me. I'm so amped up as my wings spread, as I figure out what's happening with my body vs. what's happening in the universe. I sometimes feel like the Blues Clues guy. With my note book in hand, connecting the dot's, feeling like I'm in a game of Clue. Who did it? Truth vs. blame all this confusion today. All this Chaos.

Paradise By The Dashboard Light/ML

Just on my body alone today, what am I currently? I'm off balance. Physically completly off balance. At the start I kept seeing the Tao sign. The black and the white waves. I'm saying to them, so I'm a lil Tao. What is Tao? Balance. What is Greg's birth sign? Libra and scales. No we had absplutley no balance in our marriage. We started out in California with a lil black dog I named Trident. I named the white Maltese Wrigley. U can't have balance in a marriage that started out as a lie. In this family that can't stop the party. All this packing and hauling. Being the designated driver. All these years of take, no credit. This family did nothing but place a value on me. All along no credit. Turning a blind eye when I fall. I mean everything at a cost all this deflection and blame. The compulsive lying. Sitting with our second marriage councelor and catching Greg in a lie 2 sentences later. How he doesn't mind helping me when he has to help pick up toys no at first whatever in the other direction He does mind. I got him red handed this time. The councilor stops and says yeah Greg which is it? Later I thot to myself what is the point going if the whole time he's going to lie. Were going to get no where. Besides I got my answer.

The Warrior Scandal

I remember in the first 2 months reading on the sign it said Warrior number 2. I'm thinking all along, so my job is to look for Warrior number 1. Just who is Warrior number 1. Does he or she know what's coming up. R they prepared? Is any one prepared? Clues, to discover it's me. Going on a journey to find myself. Clueless doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Kevin met a old man who said well make up my mind, which way do I go?

LOve Is A Battlefield/PB

This is the second song that is playing in my head. The first was Hell Hell Is For Children. I refused to let it play. I can't say the next song was any better. It was Love Love Is A BAttlefield. This just happened to be the day I got out of one of your boxes. My Best friend is mad at me bcuz I'm coming back alone to the lot where I put the staff in the ground. Cyn wouldn't let Keith drive me back. She's punishing me, she's just another mother in my life worried. Fire works are going off behind me. I'm stomping back. Back pack on my back. Feeling a staff in my hand, just walking not breaking any laws. Here comes a policeman, I recon more profiling. Another potential liability. Just checking in. I have good intentions.

Good intentions of what? Stomping all over my Civil Rights just to be walking. He say's Colleen where are U headed? Take note their was no animosity on either side of the table. For me it was just another day of come waht may, living in acceptance. Not knowing what's going to happen once I cross that thresh hold?

I have been taken back to every time Greg said no to me. It literally was any time I asked for anything. It didn't matter what it was. Back to his first time accusing me of doing something that absolutly did not happen. Going back to him I don't even know what to call it. Holding something over my head just throwing in a curve ball. Let me C I'm a grown ass woman, in a safe envoronment. I get taken back to a party where Gwen is at. Well I mixed my red's and whites together. I'm not that experienced.

Greg say's he's going in his room to study for the rest of the night. Yes I'm sick. Duh! No I'm not minimizing. Here I am with a man who the first time I met him at a gathering of friend's. Alcohol. First conversation with his mother. Doesn't even have coat off and she's got that martini made and in hand. I truly didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of the full liquor cabinet. The every friday night and holiday, party at Elaines.

Crimson And Clover/JJ and Black Hearts 

Being taken back to the blame and control. The unreal expectation and this family determining her value. Even her value to eat. by mom said to me once about her fathers parent's wouldn't cross the street to feed their son or sons family even if U were starving. Now I know from this journey, that it's because he married my grandmother, a full blooded native woman. Realizing that they

 had another son in my grand daddies family my brother, uncle Bud married a my grandma Lily's sister. I guess he was outcast to.

Total Eclipe Of The Heart/BT

Yeah those scales, we have scales of justice. No balance. Actually no justice system. No defense, no voice. I may only speak after I go to this box. I already have to establish my innocense B4 I can speak. I do it. Once again another box that is making decisions for me. I didn't ever need anyone to make a decision for me. Oh yeah, the very man I'm trying to escape, the manager of the place after speaking to Greg that yes he should be here. My 2 councilors even told her U can't let him in, we don't know what it is yet but we do know it has something to do with him. But this woman is the boss so she gives the final answer. A man that has clearly been proven in my marriage he wouldn't lift a finger to help this woman.

If she's lying on the floor and dying he'd flat out ignore me. Step right over me turn a blind eye. I no longer exist. I'm useless. He found what he's looking for, a woman that he can string along and flirt with because he sold out his wife he thought Mary was going to makehim rich. U talk about a man that did nothing absolutley nothing in this marriage for this long haul of a marriage. God has shown me just how much I was carrying just to keep this roof over our head. Yeah I worked for free. To save money on taxes. Where ever I turned just to speak about what's really happening the answers are always well I'm sure it's just U. U must of did something. U should do this. U U U. I didn't believe in blame, I believed in balance and solutions. U have no idea what I went through being married to a man who is doing no acknowledgment about what he had just done.

He locked me literally in chains in a box hearing now him and mary have decided. for example as he doles out his punishment at the same time my next assignment of what him and mary have decided like I'm going to get up 7 days a week now because I'm not bringing in a income. They have shown me how this man started long ago punishing me, making me pay, deciding the factors. Blatantly telling me when Alex is 7 months crawling sitting sticking things in her mouth or that outlet.

I call him thinking oh he probably just forgot. I'm okay light hearted and speaking to him, his answer was that it's my job now. R U fucking nuts? Could U at least tell me what my job is ahead of time so our daughter doesn't kill herself. I'm shocked, stunned in to silence.

Timeline's

Greg is not only telling me when I need to get off the phone. Making his grand statements as he walks through the kitchen like he's got a white glove on. I am just ignoring his demands, his out burst. What I'm doing wrong I over spent getting a bag of lettuce. I wasted money. Take note Greg knew nothing about money. That's how I ended up with all the responsibility. They have shown me since day one of being pregnant All I'm trying to do is enjoy myself. That is it. Enjoy my pregnancy and the birth of my first daughter, this man and family are just doing everything they can to blow it.

My first real timeline was the day of Greg going back 2 work I look down and I realize I can't leave her. I can't let someone else give her her walking feet. So I figure it out financially in reality I'd be handing over my pay check to daycare. We because well remember Greg just had to sell his car. I no longer had any right's to my car either. 

I told Greg the truth of that I thot I could leave her. I explained one car baby commute and well everything boils down to money with this guy. He just put a timeline on me, as well as finally admitting that all he did was play for 3 years. Making decisions, huge decisions with his friends which impact us finanacially. realizing on this journey all the while he is making decsions with his friends not his wife. Changing from 4 years and he will work in summers on breaks whatever. He's being fired or just quit the second job after I invested 350 dollars all the while getting out of any kind of work.

I'm stunned what are U gonna do after U play for 3 years. OMGOD! Did I really just hear that. Going back to all 4 sets of my keys and the timing of that. I would go in the office and open it take phone calls schedule appointments, setting up of the office, scheduling walk ins. It was during this time that I keep going back to get more keys made. Getting ready to walk out door to take my kids to daycare, I reach up for my keys and gone. Once again gone. For years same habit walk in front door and hang my key's on the key rack to the right.

What they are showing me is the timeing of this. Talk about sabatoge. When they said sabatoge U have no idea. If U think it was the disappearing key's? Fuck no. Why would anyone who does nothing but preach money prevent me from going in to the office to get us started cock block me? Prevent me from even being able to get inside. Three times I had to call fire department. I finally look in this empty bag and all my keys are there.

King's Dust In The Wind

I hate it when this happens having a good morning, finally finally able to blog, when I want to pace stretch get my hips then body moving doing tai chi yoga some kinda funk as I connect and move my body with the beat of the music. Letting the music feed my emotions but no I have to write what I know so far 

I Guess They Cakk It The Bkues EJ

First my fingers arehard to move. I'm totally hitting the wrong keys I'm twitching, in my head left side tingling and popping all around eye too. Pain in my Jaw and heart, My face the whole left side of my body going weak and numb. For once it's been so long since I could type. I haven't smoked in hours, nothing. It's came on hard and fast. Once again I don't know what to do, Sumatriptan, I'm on my last one. Ibuprufen pain med what? 

Promises in the dark/PB

I've been definately put on a timeline, Now with my mouth and I have more red tape. Going to the right doctor to get the referral. Getting the referal, more wait time. 10 business days to process. Then on average with any specialist a minimum of another 2 months. It's getting worse blister on tongue now a red dot all the while my body is doing this stroke muscles weakening I've got to get this down. Infection, Pain in ear coming from jaw going into my heart. Is it the big C? Their point is some of us can't do this red tape again.

Michael told me last night he wishes I were dead. I'm looking at him, I said wow. Thinking it's not like you haven't tried. I mean who regardless of the reason tries to suffocate someone with a pillow? He's nit picking me, accusing me, not looking at himself at all when hr's doing this. I don't or haven't butonce again I go to speak. He's in my face grabbing me by the throat telling me if I say one word back defending myself, hell kill me. Hell throw me out on the street's how would I like to be thrown out on the streets in this condition.

Once again I'm locked in with I have no idea what this is inside him now. 

This Is Just All Bad Timing

 I've been thinking about my body and there  is no way that my body can wait for my first appointment with this referal, It's 2 months away, plus twice a week for a year. I didn't get the tremors as bad this time, like the weakness and shakiness. I now have a commode, a walker, and a wheel chair to get me through some of these stages, I'm worse not getting better. Even when I have a good day or week, I'm weaker. I don't last long. Do you even know how long it takes me to put in just this paragraph.

I am swollen under tongue, Plus a red line, My mouth hurts roof to throat. My gum's are receding. Just the jaw pain going in to my ears, My whole neck muscles hurt. The pain in my chest. It's gotten worse. The weird shit in my brain popping and around eyes. It's even hard to tell now which migraine. It's like everything all the way down to feet. The timing, how many flocking doctors, specialist and neurologist. 

about 7 years ago I had a clogged duct, Last time at dentist I got a referal to go to another specialist, sitting in dentist chair I tell him about it, now I'm hearing I have to go to a doctor. Another flocking appointment I have to schedule and go to. I hate calling Hopelink, If I remember to. So far it's the better transportation. 

Last time my body did this Michael is holding me up to get to bathroom. I'm weak, the tremors, dizziness or equilibrium. I looked up at Michael and said U don't know how much this hurt's me. I'm supposed to be taking a stand in this video, low and behold I can't stand. I wondering why are U putting me through this. Now I faint, fall, paralysis. This morning I'm thinking I can type. My fingers are twitching and to weak to vent on this blog. Already.

This is no quality of life at all. My tongue and mouth are really concerning me. It was Spring 2016 that I had the stomach and intestinal infection. How long I had it before getting treated. Only 1 doctor out of all this time new to ask me that obscure question. It has just been one thing after another physically. oh yeah I'm making this up. Fuck that, no way would I even no to make this up. 

I have much more to break down and try to even write, printing this blog and photos, Yet I really need to do this video. I was speaking yesterday, I said come on this is ridiculous, give me a fucking break. No answer coming back this time. I'm dizzy just trying to write this.