Progressive Illness

 Just that word lately has been sinking in more and more. Then the question stomach infection when I had this in spring 2016, my hands, then arms particularly the left summer 2016 and by then the energy drain and weakness is full on. Then speaking to doctor on phone with questions and answers, then I look it up and it was the progression and different stages. I have said after 2 week's of being to dizzy to do anything let alone walk and be able to stay upright. 

Back to balance it was this stage and this stage hadn't happened before. I wasn't dizzy, I could lift my body off couch. I didn't have shaky legs I could walk but the different part is I still had to hold onto the wall's to stay upright. If I let go I'd fall straight over, my leg muscles and ankles aren't giving out. Just a dead fall. Like fainting or passing out from standing position, dead fall. It was like I was completly off balance, that is why I said in the past like my equlibrium is off.

Greg's birth sign is a Libra balance and Justice. We have no balance in anything. We haves no Truth in any house. We are enslaved, just with the fallen angel being on our rock, he knows I'm here. He/she knows what's coming up. All this chaos IC going on around me. 

Thinking about what I have said in the past be careful what U ask for, especially a prayer of compassion and love. These guys don't do anything gentle. Look what they chose for me, free standing. weakness and paralysis, what order and when? Turn's out nothing and anything trigger's these symptom's. The allergy symptoms' to gabapentin that were exactly the same symptom's of this illness, CIDC symptom's. The allergy to that stop smoking drug, 2 times no reaction on this drug. Then the 3rd time beginning anew the same symptom's of what I know is progressive CIDC, weakening of the muscles.

This comes on not doing a God Damned thing when it want's to. 10 times sent to physical therapy, all the doctor's that wouldn't let me speak. Refuse to treat even. It's physical therapy that blew me up on left side. I'm thinking hip's. hip socket's, sciatica, the preformist muscle, I knew I was slowly getting worse and my muscles are getting weaker. How long to get this diagnosis? All the finger pointing, my oldest saying I must be doing my PT wrong or I'm not in the right form. U R all so brain washed. 

All the while fighting to stay strong, to try and get back to strong over and over all these stages and symptom's. There was nothing I could do about this all along. I don't get in2 this dr. until end of August. I really can't risk holding off getting weaker while getting treatment twice a weak for one year and something about heavy steroids.

I want to feel good and no weird symptoms of any kind would be nice. Well after this stomach infection that I had for I'd say a little over a year, then I'm getting weaker all along. Thinking about the heart pain in my chest? Realizing once again the heart is a muscle.

I can't at time's get 1.5 feet with out falling over, I collapsed onto a chair 3 feet away, trying to stay on the edge and finish lifting my body up. Weakness and stamina, my heart. All these different reason to do a dead fall from weakness, imbalance, paralysis, fainting, I just fall and not for just one reason and I have had no control over. All the while just trying to get stronger. 

My dream's of The Fall, Standing in a crowd of people I do a dead fall face down. I can't lift my body up. Either no one see's me falling or they think I deserve this. I don't care. My teeth shattering out of my head. Over and over I had this dream. Look now what they gave me, an illness that is maybe curable, I keep falling with this for any number of reason's, no I can't lift myself up my muscles are either to weak, or paralysis.

I had to explain to Michael that when I stand my whole body shakes and trembles. I can't stand on my own, I can't lift myself up on anything. I explained how much it hurt's my whole body, when I'm this weak. The next day he goes to work, and get's me a bucket instead. I watch my caregiver walk out for the next average 13 plus hour's wondering how am I going to function today? He's now threatening to put me in a home. He tells me not to get up or do anything for myself. He will do it. Then he get's angry, hearing I have to pee. How often he's had to clean me up? Waking him at night to take me to the bathroom and he get's pissed. Get me my med's. Another damned of I do and damned if I don't in this life.

I knew one thing however I'm not getting better. He never knows what he's coming home 2. What did I fall on and break including a sprained hand, A stabbed index finger, gabapentin and the whole body weakness and tremors. I hit a nerve. Another 6 week's. The hairline fracture on my top of shoulder bone, which happens to be above where I sprained my hand still healing and it retriggered my whole left side hand shoulder and arm. Thinking it's a bruise. Then 2 hairline fractures on my 2 phalanges on top of foot  toward ankles. Well let's just say the Mortens Neuroma in both feet are also flared.

They, upstairs literally took this fall thing to a whole new level. 

Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy

CIDP tingling in arms and legs. Gradual weakening of the arms and legs. Loss of reflexes. Loss of balance and your ability to walk. Loss in feelings in arms and legs. I have gone thru hell, and so many diagnosis's, that have walked into one more symptom. Getting weaker and weaker over the years. So many ER doctor's, and neurologist sports medicine specialist, Just trying to get the diagnosis in my back what I went thru and it kept coming up, a diagnosis. Took 3 years to get that. 

Then when I got here in 10/04/2016 sight unseen. Being taken back to my hand's and the knots in my back and neck. My toes the burning and tingling but now Morten's neuroma. Which I discovered also just like that first x-ray. Being patronized by another doctor asking why it hurts here and next time over here? That's why I'm here. A diagnosis and help but noooo. I found it on my own. Scoliosis and Kyphosis. No S Curve. I'm pedaling out between shoulder blades the fucked up sacrum and tail bone.

My hip sockets crooked and shifting. All those miles walking thru the pain, all I did was stretch my back leg's and hip socket's and hold the front of my thigh and calves tight. All those year's, all those knot's being patronized and treated like a liar and a guinea pig on your bullshit solution's to pain. U doctors serve a system an insurance and a stock machine, not man. It pisses me off that My fatigue first my hands then arms, what do I have an infection in the lining of my stomach and intestines' that Got bad in the spring of 2016. 

All the while my deep fatigue, up anywhere from 3 to 5 in that bathroom every ten minutes. I wanted to go back to the woods. I was getting weaker and more tired. Crashing for 3 to five hours at a time. It took me until the summer of 2017 to get an answer from a hip x-ray that was unneeded. Then I find out from doctor who did upper GI and Lower GI. The infection cleared but still just showing as black spots. to think. that it was I now why they had me go into the hospital and get them to listen. I drank very heavily. To C what it's like physically and to lose more right's.

Having to here the words again psycho sematic just like Alex and the Judge. It just had to be sum obscure thing. The Knott in my neck and my left shoulder, then arm, then as it got bigger and harder I could feel the pin pricks behind my eye. I was still not on a large dose of pain meds and for over a year that non narcotic, that jacked me up. My physical allergic reaction these symptoms of my leg muscles weak necking until the front and back muscles don't work.

Like 18 months after this knot finally got an answer, Complex migraines that have stroke like symptom's. all the while my left leg down low and the sciatica in hip socket, constantly rolling it out to keep going. What's weird is sometimes being completely paralyzed, not even your hip sockets will move. A doctor on Friday called me back over an upcoming appointment, for Home Healthcare stuff. This doctor asked my symptoms, I told her is that it progressives almost every time it comes on. No rhyme or reason. I can't find the pattern. This time in my last hospital stay the process started for Home Healthcare.

I said in 2018 I couldn't do my walks at all. Couldn't get next door or come back with a load of laundry and trust my leg's. The dizziness, my leg's are doing their own thing. This doctor asked if I had a stomach infection in the past? I said yes, like 7 years ago my body is shutting down my fatigue and weakness, Feeling like my balance and equilibrium are off.  I just knew once again I could make this once again about something that hasn't anything to do with it.

She told me her husbands doctors name. The name of this disease. What the treatment plan is like a year. Being seen or treated twice a week. Something about large amount's of steroids. All these years once again being controlled, judged for my pain and ignored. Patronized all the way. Sent to physical therapy 10 times. Which is why freedom wears a blanket on her left shoulder. There ain't no Freedom up in this house. I said chest pain because this time the jaw, ear, mouth accommodated with chest pain that comes and goes randomly. It affects your muscles your heart is a muscle. I have more questions. Being this rocks petrified tree of life? My father took me to the petrified forest. I try to hold onto being told that I will get back anything I've ever lost. I fell to my knees with right hand in air bawling. Feeling the blessing the energy. Still having no idea what this is about.

Truth be told I can't do this another year. Even though I have a walker which only work's when my leg's are strong enuf to lift me up. The wheel chair is to much weakness to even crawl, or make a plan to fall off couch or toilet down to the floor. The scooching the crawling. The pain in my left jaw I thot was part of the complex migraines which after I slowly learned more. Can't speak, left eye is dark. The twitching. Standing there or getting ready to move. I don't stagger I just dead fall as my muscles and ankles go out. 

She the doctor who asked the question's and told me the name symptoms and treatment plan. I know I need to go in. I can't wait. No matter what I don't have a year of even knowing what I know. I never know tomorrow or if later today what stage I'll be at. When it's going to come on? What stage is it going to come on? I have to do this video. This time I want it done by 4th of July. My family reunion. 

Oh yeah 7 years ago sent to Seattle over a clogged gland. Dentist concerned cancer. Now 7 years later still there but the whole center under tongue is swollen and down the middle a red line. Like a cut and all under tongue especially on left side its all swollen. My tongue is numb. I've only had the last few day's jaw pain. that goes into ear and nothing I have is taking it down pain wise. This is just one of the what I think is it the chronic migraine? Is it the CIPD that brought these symptoms on this time? Then I find under dental pain in jaw and ear pain. Cancer. I hate that C word.

Of course it just can't be an infection of the gland? It started out like 2015 looking like a gird tongue with a white tip that I pushed out later with my tongue but the long swollen gland that looked like a bird tongue remained and now painful and altered.

Oh yes 2 other things the doctor that said to Michael Psycho Sematic. It's in my head. I'm doing this to myself. Michael got pissed stopped her from speaking with his hand up. He said I know here she wouldn't do this. I've been here care giver watching her get worse. Then he said this is not about alcohol. Know matter what she takes these symptoms keep coming back with nothing and no rhyme or reason. 

The nurses took it upon themselves to cut my hair that was finally where it needed back to. Plus the Shekinah her twin flame the Holy Spirit. In 2015 first I'm looking out of her eyes then down upon her. That's when I saw the Bodice fitting medieval white gown. Her hair. Like I used to wear mine. My weddings. I didn't know if it was a storm I was sensing because later it was a war. Snow or ash?

I want this over. I want to break the chains that bind. Give U back your heart. Give U back your Faith. Truth behind Love and our cock blockers of Love and evolution.

Boundaries

God damnit, it has just been hell, especially this last few years. All I have been thru and not in any condition to write or blog. Either my hand's don't work, or dizziness. Realizing all along I have been learning even more in my life, particularly the pattern's of my mother and Greg. Elaine well I knew all along of her judgement and lies. Another person to ruin my day. Getting shown how every time it is my day I've had these 3 even others in my life like Gwen, manipulation and control. Another person in my life creating trouble because they didn't get their way with me. Someone else whose gonna make me pay because they didn't get their way. 

Being shown when I first started taking the blame. Age 6 my grandmother. Catherine the Irish one. Being shown when I first spoke about it to Marlena my councilor. I was also clueing in at that time energy. That I associated love with energy. The cherries and the blue bowl. The cherries represented energy. It might of been Alex but on this journey the cherries came back around. I worked with them one morning. The blue bowl came back around at the second house I slept in on my first four homeless night's. I had written the promised land. I had been told by these 2 sisters to watch out for King County. I thot they were talking police, but I learned the hard way their point King County and that HIPPA form. Just another pause moment in life.

Going over my four agreements and understanding each day the hard way about slavery and civil liberties. This blanket legal system, insurance, pharmaceuticals, that schizophrenic label and when it first came up or so I thot going back over stuff, connecting more dots and having so much more to write. Going over when and where I noticed a pattern in how my body and I have reacted in certain ways. When and where I was standing? My first three times over doing a screeching inhale inside me and even outside me. Each time putting my hand on my heart.

Then it switched in another way the 3 times to the Zoro zoot zoot zoot. Very interesting when this happened. Going back over 2012 my great Cherokee grandmother showing up in my room. 3;16 in red showing thru her. I knew I recognized her but I couldn't place her. Then the 2 grey's showed up and how it was my 3rd eye that opened, I didn't have to turn around. It wasn't until this journey that I got answer's. Not yet putting together that I started seeing them in the fifth and 6th grade. Not learning until the history channel that they are the grey's. To me they were still demon's, but in 7th grade we moved again and I kept writing the strange beings off as my childhood imagination because I had watched a horror show actually 2, but at this time it was the Sentinel. The other was the entity and well not only has that movie come back around. Learning that their really is an ardor and it's not what people think.

The 3 book's I threw in my life and why. Going back over my number's, my dream's when I first discovered on this journey and how long until thing's really sunk in. Going back over the bride when she first came up and she kept coming up. Learning who the man in the navy blue t-shirt from my dream's whom I only saw the back of not knowing until he showed himself that he was a part of this. When I first saw a man carrying a cross, hearing the word Sanskrit, seeing Jesus Christ with a sun ring around his head but still not processing that this had anything to do with Jesus Christ or God and my belief's in my life. How I came to the conclusion that I don't need a box of wood and stone to have a relationship with God. I don't need a religion of their own rituals and rules. Learning how people use God as a good excuse for their bad behavior. Taking their own righteousness now thinking they are the judge now. They did not put their Faith in God instead doling out your own judgement and justice on another. Including limiting someone else's faith. Another way of slavery and oppression. Another bully in life. 

All the times JC has stood in my presence after he showed himself at the end of September 2016. My reaction's, my argument's with him at first. Me being the one fighting and arguing, him showing up later in a variety of different clothing. The navy blue t shirt, how he stands quite a bit casually with his arm's crossed. Then it was when I was put in 2 vision's with him at first standing at the foot of my bed with that white sash wrapped around his groin area, at first thorn's on his head and blood running down his face, I went to touch him and discovering what I was wearing both time's also, my reaction.

The white robes he'd wear, the conversation's at the time. Seeing a huge palm behind me and a white horse bowing in front of him. Being shown the red t shirt that I was usually in and taken back to other dream's and vision's over my lifetime. What I was doing, seeing and wearing. Putting together the time's I wasn't asleep but had vision's. I'd forget because anything that happened was done sequentially and very far apart, even by year's. Even in Fall City with my great grandmother and the grey's I'd literally fall right back to sleep unlike my childhood. Going back thru my 7's, 10's and 12's, The discoveries on this journey. Fall City, the Rose the name of the park in Fall City. Quigley Park, I was also working with an Ariel, red hair. They weren't kidding when they said I'm done serving the food. When my body started not working at what stages and the timeline. Still today people assume Alcohol I wasn't drinking. Hadn't drank in years. 

It was a policeman who'd come in on the graveyard shift. He was a single father so I had heard along with the number 7 and hearing he is standing at the door. He's hear for the son. Hearing around another policeman He's playing on the wrong team. The twin's when my 7's kept coming up but I kept hearing twins. Including finding out Darren is my twin. The other joker and fool born in this family. How twin's kept coming back around. His son's name Aron and finding out after the history channel that Moses brother's name was Aron and the name of the mountain that he was working at. Hearing the burning bush, our past President's the Bush name along with the brother Jeb and how he said their is no heart in that house.

It was the second house I slept in and his name was Mason then it turned into the Masonry and then the free mason's. Michael's great grandfather was a Freemason and he changed the family name then from a really old religious name. Yeah, God has so much word play in his codes. Well it was the book of angel's that I used as a guide. The legion. God's protector's and first family. I kept hearing Ariel, house home animal's. The black and white dog's we got while in California, Greg's birth sign and learning their was no balance at all in our relationship. How can their be when someone is so good at lying and blaming, he didn't know how to do the most basic thing's. The conversation with Steve in Phoenix, over hearing Elaine blame me for splitting from Wes and Molly as friend's how it was both of our decision. Who tells a mother whom was very aware of the stages her children were going through and why because of the book's she had read and the day care licensing class taught her so much.

She was a positive parent. Not a no parent, not creating drama or discipline when they are to young to even process it. She was very patient and not a screamer or yeller. Saving her no's for when it is important. Alex only did thing's one time but she didn't get the attention she was trying to get. Instead around the beginning of opening this office, all that she went thru getting it open all because of a secret and a lie that Greg kept for 4 month's, being shown how she was then made responsible from that moment on for having to meet these people with Greg's boss. How Greg still was not acknowledging or even cleaning up any part of the mess. Him losing his income over the next few months, without her having to pull something out of the magic hat once again.

All the time's that Greg said U have to do your being assigned more responsibility. Being shown the time's he had me back in that office to physically do my part. My father's funeral. She get's a phone call that she has to not only get this off the ground but doing all the leg work up until then getting it open. Being abandoned in the biggest fixer upper and being made responsible literally for every thing now. He wasn't going to allow her to hire someone and he wasn't going to help her.

Being shown when I first opened that office I was still working on the wall in the living room, and having our third heating system put in. Forced air. When she first had to put both kid's in the Montessori she was the one going in the office alone scheduling billing errands marketing and cleaning. I at this time had four set's of keys gone. I had to have the fire department come and break me into my own office three times bcuz for no reason he kept taking them off the key rack.

When they said sabotage you have no idea, just how it was always something with him. Always. You have no idea how I was now fighting just for the basics, including dental and healthcare for my kid's. He didn't want to pay. Being shown just how dysfunctional that house and especially that kitchen everything was. Everything was done the hard way. How long I had a refrigerator that was small and I had to thaw it by hand every month. The freezer we got for like 50 bucks and it was her who had to rinse and wash lift and drop this freezer all after she almost miscarried Alex and he not only didn't acknowledge he made everything harder. 

Being shown how he wouldn't acknowledge that she needed to hire help and he'd fuck up any help she tried to get in order to keep up, all while this guy is having to get out of town. His party and all this travel was supposed to end, but it got worse after buying this house bcuz he had no logic or knowledge of the seasonal and daily  work that goes into this fixer upper. 

Being shown all the time's that Greg left me to resolve any drama that came up bcuz he didn't even know how to communicate and problem solve. How he kept putting me on timelines. Like not going back to work right after Alex? Why pay a daycare to raise my daughter? Babies can cause a parent to miss work, and who was made responsible for even this. Being shown how when someone complimented me and or my work he'd wave his hand and say that's nothing. Being shown how often he pawned her off to another Chiropractor and just when he'd do this? How I paid another Chiropractor while pregnant with Kiley and after bcuz she was last if at all on his list of priorities. 

Being shown how much these 3 people made her pay and guilted her if they couldn't have complete control. How they'd punish her. The relationships they destroyed in my life then being shown you big brother your abuse of power. Your blanket laws and diagnosis being put in our school system. If the system doesn't allow it U have no voice. No right to speak or defend yourself. I never needed anyone to step into my life and try and control me or the life I'd built with my girls. Being shown that first mistreatment center and the manager letting him in when she and her 2 councilors said no. The conversation and threat's I got from this woman? Again someone else making decisions in my life that wasn't theirs to make. I always learned one thing in my life by experiencing and watching other's like with my mother, someone I knew I never wanted to be like. Who took the right and responsible action to not repeat history. How much these people and others have stolen, blamed and lied about. 

I still have a lot to say bcuz I get reminded for example another number I forgot about. Another name or color for example. Emotion's, not being allowed to have emotions, normal emotion's in my lifetime, when other's can have passive aggressive behavior, threaten and bully me, being attacked and or threatened in my relationships. Not allowed to speak or defend anywhere in my life. I don't think so. Not even in a Justice system that really is nothing but blind justice. No justice just a justified system. No freedom, slavery don't care nothing about the color of your skin. I have learned that slavery comes in all different forms. I had to experience all abuse, bcuz of the prayers from my heart over time.

It was a pause moment from my past. Not the prayer but how I have experienced every kind of abuse that their was up to that point or they would never of gotten the prayer's from the heart. They would of never gotten Justice or what true freedom is without me living through all the slavery and injustice. Don't ever tell me how to speak think or feel. Don't ever tell me what to be thankful for. Yes regardless of how I got here I still have every right to be angry about my life being a set up. My life and children being stolen. Remember on this journey and the one U will go thru walking through heaven. The journey of Truth, not blame. They not just one guide but many. They are witty. They make U laugh, they make U cry, they pacify then yank your chain showing you more injustice to piss you off. You purge your emotions naturally. They don't last like meeting JJ for the first time. Gwen's grandparent's, Having God show himself. Being told what to call my actual Father who has popped up a few times in my dreams and on this journey. Walking by a church and being told I'm to call him Father. The emotion's last like five minutes then you move forward. 

Why I called this boundaries? How hard and what I went through trying to set boundaries with people that have no boundaries. I see this a lot in society today. People have their own rules but no boundaries, no respect. Whom had the worst reaction? My mother age of 18 getting physically attacked for my mother's lack of boundaries. Take your Political Correctness and shove it up your ass.