World Peace

I have been just fuming over the fact that Satan was in the womb with me when I was pregnant with Kiley? That is why I felt so drained? My body was burning up fighting him away from my unborn daughter? That's why the food poisoning while I was two months pregnant? No one else got sick except me? I called Taco Bell, Taco Hell. I almost miscarried at four months with Alex. All I have to hold onto is Greg telling me at the worst possible moments in my life "to buck up, I can handle it." I mean really Greg, even if this is a darkness I was fighting on the inside on the human side, why would you never help me? Why did you always leave your dirty laundry for me to clean up when it was your mess?

They took me back to a prayer that I had when I said, "all I want is peace." It wasn't voices in my head it was simply that I couldn't just spend time with my children and relax. I always had so much to do. I was always in a rush squeezing in even play dates, owning three business and volunteering at school? When I think about it back then I didn't like for myself, the two working people in a family like I thought I would? I wanted to be away for just a lil while to do something for myself that was a part of me.

After Alex was born I signed up for voice lessons like every other week over by Greg's work in Bellevue. I figured he'd get alone time with Alex for a lil' while and I can get something done for me. I mean Greg had two hour lunches everyday and sometimes he had reports and charts and others he'd meet someone for lunch to expand his clientele. Wouldn't you know it Greg canceled three out of the four times on me. If something came up it fell on my day every time.

From the beginning way of my life I always worked out. I wasn't a fanatic but I pretty much did something everyday, always a combination of weights, running, aerobics or yoga. After we had kids it was a battle just to get to go to the gym. It didn't matter how cheap, it didn't matter if I went if he was at home, it was a battle. I have figured out that when you meet someone you can't take away something that is good. That is a part of them. Truth be told you don't take care of your bitch, you create a bitch. I haven't lost it yet.

The only reason that I went to that meditation class was because I was having a hard time connecting. I wasn't even aware how much I really connected. While I was there I was told that I was here for Kiley that she wanted me there. I said, that would be a no, I'm here for myself. Little did I know who I really was? I had forgotten all about that black shadow and that is why I compartmentalized it. When you pray, you pray from the heart. You pray with what you are feeling inside. It's not about any one situation its just the emotion.

The reason why I let them have it upstairs the way I do is because hell they had to of lived with me before? They knew what they were getting into upstairs with me? If I'm thinking it when I'm pissed off I let them have it. I mean come on, if they had told me before that Satan is making a play and that play is to take out the Father through the mother and her children, I would of said, "uh uh no way, you all get someone else for this one."

At first I heard family, and when they asked if they can come into me I never even realized until later on that their was a they? I forgot about the they part? I heard family and save. Then they took me right into my children's father. Wow, the energy of that scene was real old. I have figured that the G this time represent God. I have faith in Greg that he will bring it when the time comes and I know in the mean time he's going to schmooze behind the scenes through my children. I figured out that the issue was that Greg took the all three businesses out of my name behind my back with Mary Stone. Looking back Greg did a lot of things behind my back. He apparently is angry for some reason and if I failed him it's only because he failed me first. I couldn't even get a chiropractic treatment from him. If a client came in when I'd sneak to lie on that hydro bed. A walk in would come in and Greg couldn't ask them to wait for ten minutes for his wife?

Then after the divorce I couldn't afford health insurance and I asked Greg if he could keep me on and I'd pay the difference and he said no? I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on migraine medication and being a guinea pig for the lamest ass studies ever. The most assinine shit they put me through for years? I needed more than six to nine migraine pills a month. Because of the guidelines I couldn't get that. They made me feel guilty as a patient for needing help for my pain in my neck and back. I had never been diagnosed and told I was lying just to get pain pills. Then I'd get paranoid of the pain. I mean how can I take care of my daughters day after day, do all that volunteer work, 3 businesses and a fixer upper? Hell my kitchen never got done. My fridge was on the other side of the kitchen and I sure as hell didn't need white linoleum floors not with all my children, our friends and all their animals? Yes my friends brought their animals to my house too. I was the dog lady after all. I took in the strays too.

I always understood little dog's. Why they moved so fast and why they were so yappy. You'd be fast to if you had to move around all these giant feet? You'd be yappy if you were always getting stepped on. I always laughed when the lil' dogs would line up on the couch and get those big dogs in line if they crossed their nose over the couch edge. Yes I stepped in and made my dogs stop, no being rude in my house.

I had always seen a Cain and Abel fight from right around the second month I think. I felt a huge brother and brother fight. I didn't want certain boys around each other at the time because I felt a real primal fight coming on between brother and brother from long long ago. Later on I sensed a real David and Goliath fight. I also don't know how it never dawned on me that I was David in this story line. I wasn't happy about Satan being in the womb with my daughter. I'm not one God Damned bit happy that my children's uncle is Satan/Lucifer. Yeah their is a few of those dark essence carrying through people. To finally realize how close my family is to Satan?

The fine line of Love and Hate? Not for me this time. That line has widened into all of this gray matter I see around me. The gray matter in our minds. That purgatory they have placed us in with all of our fears. I was not happy to find out that the E.T. and Satan are the two brothers working within the investors. The insurance, pharmacy health care and lies in that are huge? All those labels of mental illness and pills that are made up to suppress us? This technology we count to much on today. It is literally shutting us down and holding us back. Plus all these maintenance cost warranties upgrades new software taking over new contracts and binds and disclaimers that are all lies.

The fear in the bibles? The fear of sin and pitting and creating blame right from the beginning from brother to sister? Eons ago people. It is a huge old lie. The rules and rituals to keep you stressed and to busy to accommodate all the demands on peoples heads today? I mean working two jobs to pay the rent is unforgivable. All we do is blame others who struggle and they like that in hell. They like us fighting and all this discontent. The way I see it, their really isn't one nation that can really point a finger at each other right now? It's not about blame anymore people. We see what blame creates? It creates distention, and fear. Satan feeds on that and grows and grows. It's not the bible or story lines that I have a issue with it is the parts that create distention. How is that distention Love? I mean ask yourself WWJD? That time is coming. I can't stop it but I can give you the answers to get stronger inside.

The job I started last week that I love. Even if I'm slinging red sauce. My arms are strong but my hands are to weak to carry the tray or plate. I couldn't even finish running food. After one week my hands are strained. Satan at work in me. Today thank God Michael gets off early because I have to go buy two hand braces to get through work tonight. If that doesn't work, I'm fucked. The rug gets pulled out from under me again.