Stormy Day

Stormy Day Country Radio today and that about sums up just how I feel. Yup indeed my halo feels a lil crooked, a bit on the wild side. Ready to throw it all to the wind. Explode doesn't even begin to cover it for me these last few weeks. Wow! Weeks, I mean months. Yup our computer is tit's up and once again I just know it's the sign to shut me down and turn me off from upstairs. I let this family angels and guide's use my emotions and my body for how long now? Always a double edge sword with this family. Just trying to get answers to one simple question can be pretty complicated. Just who's emotion is coming through me today, is it the upside, the cocky side of her today. Then to figure out just who is gonna walk me through my day? Which husband today?

Seeing pieces of myself not only mythically with you all, fantasy or terrestrial. Kind of pisses me off ya know. I mean to see that throughout life this family has been fighting this battle for a long time. Yeah some day's I am and I sound like a ungrateful winy lil bitch for all this enlightenment down deep into my soul. Your heaven or my hell? To tell you the truth their are a couple of bad apples in every bushell. Just how am I going to break the news to mankind without getting everyone killed and or panicked. Especially, all of my children that I hold inside me.

To see a man carrying a cross. Yeah that is the apitomy of faith hurts. Yeah I'm ashamed of my own ungrateful behavior as they unload all this shit on me one piece at a time. I hurt. I hurt like you could never understand in so many ways. Lately right between the shoulder blades, My neck and thorax locked up on Friday. I couldn't lift my left arm from my body. I stretched and had Michael try and work it out I knew what it is was doing. I had a thought and my muscle twitched. I thought I was gonna come out of my skin. My doctors tell me I'm making it up. Started physical therapy a couple weeks ago and yoga again about a month ago just trying to keep the blood pumping and the knots from forming. Once the curve starts it's hell to try and prevent my spine muscles and tendons not to go back to the old muscle memory.

A massage and weekly chiropractics during the hard times would benefit me more than Tramadol that makes me smoke like a fucking chimney and keeps me awake or all the other allergy and noninflammatory blowin out my kidney's liver and spleen, burning my stomach till I'm puking. Finally I truly want no poison, Truly this has been my attitude all along, and I have been told I am lying or not worthy that I fucked up so I have to take all this nerve stuff that shuts me down emotionally and fatigues me so that I can't move, more Tordol for those knot's Colleen, It's a flocking head trip to get in anywhere with the labels. Truly this system serves the pharmaceutical and the synthetic droids they are trying to turn us all into as they try to get mankind to forget we used to have organic food and medicine before all this disease control.

Now we kill them off right along with mother natures and God's flock. Oh yeah he's watching. I want so much to tell you all just right where he is at and just where you can find him, I want you all to have your own kingdom and your own power. Learning lately just how big this Religion and God shit is well let's just say, it's shit. Couldn't be more blunt than that. Yes I fight with God. Yes I chew him out and every time in his own way he gives me the answers and usually someone else will pop in at times to move me along. So yeah, that lil Sara and who I am? Let's just say JC's incentive to follow through and not swing back because of his seed in Mary's belly. The secret seed in this families line. Let's just say I know how he feel's. At least he had a clue and others did to at just who he was. Would of been nice ya know. Like I didn't look at my brother about the Eve thing and say "you could of told me. His reply, shrug of shoulder's, it's God. I know what are you gonna do right?"

So discovering just who that man is to me as he hung on that cross, yeah he is my cross to bare. It seems we've done this before. Did he have it worse or me? He did. Hands down. He did. How long did I live as Mary Magdalene you ask? I don't know and I don't want to, but yeah that was you all better remember That was Mother Mary, that was Mary Magdalene, and Sara's footsteps I walk in. Which daughter is Sara I have no idea. Alex my rock, our first song together after she was born, "was you and me against the world." I truly never felt more alone in my life until after Alex. Everyone was so angry at me for being pregnant, at twenty six years old, married and years and many different kinds of counseling under my belt and many books read to prepare myself for her. I remember another prayer I said in the past. It was after I a counselor told me, "Colleen that's not discipline that's abuse." Now I know in my heart that I was not like my mother, but what if my backs against the wall? Frustration, anger and well maturity and awareness goes along way in raising a child.

I sat in the car outside the office and I cried. I can see myself with my hands in the air, telling God "I'll stop this God. I'll stop this circle of abuse in my family. I can do this God. Put my families burdens on me God. I'm younger and I'm stronger God." After I moved to California I went to every kind of counseling I could get my hands on. On my own. I knew two things, that you cannot control a child's emotion's. Emotion's are important and as a parent I had to learn to let them have their emotions and guide them and the other, not to break their spirit doing it. So yeah, it was C food to get them to open their lil guppy mouth's, feet on the floor, indoor voices and my favorite one most of all. I'd set a timer in between their ages. If one was 4 and the other 6 they had to hug for five minutes. If they continued to fight and fell apart, I reset the timer until everyone was laughing and the situation forgotten about.

Learning how much was stolen from me, literally right in front of my eyes while still married, from Greg and my mother. I was told before I filed that the State of Washington doesn't look at abuse in a divorce, and the year before he literally removed my name from everything and I also was told if I did anything about it I'd get half of his school loans. So many times I could of taken him down, but I wouldn't because of those two. I stood in front of a judge and never got to speak, she told me I deserve everything I have coming to me. While in mitigation I said something about Mary and fifty bucks and she said to me, well from what I understand you were no Angel. Afterward's I got a bill from my lawyer for ten more thousand dollars and after that twenty thousand, after that she was disbarred, who paid the price for her? So yeah I understand how this planet Guya feels, Neglect is the most invisible abuse of all, and well how about mother nature?

The one who feed's you, your medicine and your food, all so we can act like Lord of the Flies down here turn a blind eye and blame someone else. For example the vegetarians blame the meat eaters for the ozone layers and animal cruelty, so they don't care if the meat eaters have meat and dairy, and well the meat eaters could care less about those garden's. It's no one's fault as much as you think. This system like my mother, was hoping that some of us would forget how things used to be.

Funny this system doesn't treat mankind's tree of life on insurance, no alternative healthcare either. What about the psychiatrist who said on his deathbed he made up ADHD along with other other mental illnesses all to support the pharma companies and they keep diagnosing and writing the pills like it's real all to fuck up our emotion's that God and Mother Nature gave us. Any healthy psychological or spiritual healing will tell you getting through the emotions is the most important, but only in this system and religion is anger wrong. Sex is wrong in religion or so misguided, I mean really when you think about it why wouldn't it be? They wrote off half of your soul as unimportant, only in religion and this system like the pay scale vs. gender. The woman is less. This is the ego in the religion that has killed of my natives and mother nature, so yes it makes me sad and other days pretty angry.

To figure out pretty much every life I've had to fight somehow for this brother and Father of mine is a pretty hard pill to swallow. Do I have faith in that family, yes. Do I love and and honor that family, in their eyes yes, in yours no. The Catholics, my Irish fairy side cut me out and hid my body. Are you flocking kidding me? The Jewish had the Roman's kill my husband and I'm supposed to be happy about this? None of this religion honors any Father I know from up above and quite frankly you all should be ashamed of yourselves to be so arrogant to kill me off over and over. Kill every messenger God ever sent you through politics, Abe Lincoln and the Kennedy's. Just to name a few. I haven't a clue who this Anastasia is or who she represent's but we killed her and her family to didn't we. What about Ana the mummy they have on display here in the states? Anne's just keep popping up and it makes me cry.

I see so many common links continuing today from way back then. Slavery, rape and pillage. I assure you ain't no legend in any land a saint because of these two thing's that are killing off mankind. This Entity that has been working behind the scene's and boy what a impression they made back in the Depression didn't they. Cause and effect today all this depression in the ground and in our minds. What ever you want to call that dark shadow in your life, that dark cloud, dark energy or Satan. I really don't give a flying flock what you call it. I'm here as a celestial being living in a human shell having a human experience just like all of you for this planet, and to tell you the truth some day's I tell this family, blow it the flock up.

I am so angry that I can clearly see how we have advanced technologically and most of you think this is how you are supposed to advance. That you need a actual visual aid to see another dimension, for how much money? How much garbage in our landfills, our wallets and minds? When all you have to do is look inside yourself to find your light and your power, it's that easy. Have a conversation. If your angry, sad glad or mad, give it all you got to that man upstairs. That's what he's there for, For Christ Sake's he's God. He already knows what your thinking, he goes everywhere you go and so does your mother. Yup they are both right there.

I'll tell you what for one month give that family all you got upstairs, let it all go. I mean he's God, been around for awhile, he is your creator, your light and he ain't in no box and neither are you so stop acting like it. Step back and when you least expect it you'll notice a song or a conversation meant just for you. You start to notice things that are different and maybe things that are the same. You remember God couldn't tell us who we really are inside, you wanted to be clean slates on your own journey to finding the light. Some of learn what love is by living in what love isn't. Turn it back around. Turn that negative you see into a positive, awareness is a big key to change. So are dreams and so is our creativity, we are organic beings if some of us are more gifted in one way and some gifted in another. It's all alright with me. I just want balance.

Don't let someone else's values tell you who you are. I am appalled that we are willing to go live on another planet with aliens but you can't except another gender for whoever they are or whoever they love? Truly no one man on this planet is a mistake. It is mankind and someone else's old belief's that if they don't add up to healthy love, no agenda and no strings attached it ain't God. So yes people people religion is covering up who you really are and just where Christianity really came from. I've got the nice Christian's killing my natives who just happen's to honor both the mother and the father, like other masters God has sent, Buddha for example. In Buddhism God comes from within.

You don't have to stand on a soap box and get all religious, for peet's sake's please don't. I want you to feel your family from within, I want you to walk and talk it. Just in your actions and behaviors to both the mother, father and each other. Kindness and respect go along ways.  I want you to have family and traditions, laughter and joy, from all the good stuff. I want you to ascend, I want you to transcend and go as high as you wish, just don't take out and do others harm doing it. We are all brothers and sisters, Some of us are cowboys and some of us are Indians, Some of us are a lil tao, and others a lil chi, to me it's all the same. One love, one God, One Family and one light and with you you are part of that five star family. We are all related to that family with wings. Who say's this family can't throw down. Who says God's family isn't a lil cocky and bad ass, all for the good stuff in life. I'll end with John Denver, Loved this song growin up, "Thank God I'm A Country Boy/Girl."