THEY say God does not hate. Sadly your mistaken

We wonder why I want out of this because once again I am in a loveless f****** relationship that I have to walk on eggshells sitting here having an awesome conversation with Michael about the end of the world and we're actually connecting the dots and having a really great night and I have had no f****** sleep and I was happy and joyful and writing and just wanting to get to the next f****** step and I go outside to have a cigarette come back in and I ask one mother f****** question did Antonio have his baby yet and he said I don't know and I said wanting to continue the conversation why I was asking that question and what it is I had seen so far like he was getting out of his truck I didn't see what he was getting out of his truck with that's what I was going to say and instead I get my f****** head bit off with he wanted to make sure I was ending my conversation with him nobody can live like this and he's angry and he's frustrated so then he goes into the blame game how oh it's all his faults and I'm like when you act like that yes when you behave like this yes I just got done telling him a little while ago how hard it is for me to keep it together every f****** day living with his bad behavior and how great it is to have a night like this with him and he blows it because I asked one f****** question and this is the journey that I am on is to put me in another f****** loveless relationship that makes love about servitude blame and minimizing and once again once f****** again who the f*** is doing that there was no reason to blame for anything there was no reason to have the argument there was no reason for him to be upset 5 minutes ago he was fine instead he picks up his f****** plate and throws it and starts with his tangent and I'm so tired everyday of these guys wanting this video down and I want this video done and I can't even f****** your support in that yeah I might be getting my pain meds just in the f****** nick of time I'm serving you and I'm not doing a very f****** good job because I don't even know what you want me to do what kind of video do you want this is the end of the world video to the new beginning and it is the most important video ever and Christmas Day I'm f****** laid up Christmas Eve I'm not f****** laid up all day no instead I'm trying to get the f****** computer to work and I had it all and I kept my emotions good getting through getting this computer just so I can get this thing at least started while my body is working while I am in the right frame of mind and mood to be able to do this and I can't even f****** get prescriptions the right prescriptions I can't even get a f****** muscle relaxer a real one for the base of f****** face for my lower back because now it is consistently at the base of my ribs a couple vertebrae up one more vertebrae and we go into the scoliosis spot going down I am tight twisted and turned and out of alignment after you get to the base of ribs right here I am tight and twisted. I am fucked just 9n this spasm just very cute Jack just on the spasm alone from the left side at the base of my ribs two to three vertebrae in this is where I get a huge knot that causes knots going across and then not going across to the right after that going on up we just go into my scoliosis that goes all the way across my ribs of nothing but not going underneath my shoulder blades and on top of my shoulder blades nothing but not going back to my f****** spine nothing but not going up to the base of my f****** neck huge knots to my neck that is nothing but has no curb anymore but nothing but not and more f****** nuts so you stand me here alone being stuck physically not able to f****** move and every day all I think about is you want me to represent you and I can't even f****** stand and yes I have discovered some of this I've been doing myself and that's not going to stop so let's just face it it can't I'm not going to be healed in time but you got something out of me didn't you got my f****** book so you know what you got your guide there's their guide and it really was so simple all along but you know what wasn't simple getting the education of death that you call life because this mother I only see death I don't ever want to hear I could have I should have I would have because you didn't walk a f****** day in my shoes I have hate I have hate you have done nothing to make this easy aside for telling me that you're there and showing me that you're there but from the step forward I haven't really seen or felt it and you f****** know it because you are me and truth be known I want to walk away seeing that f****** mushroom bomb I can't it's the end it's the end it's the end of everything regardless of all these f****** emotions that you have put me through all these f****** years and you have not told me the truth that I am that I am God everything about me and I am standing here like a whiny f****** b**** and I just want this done I am tired of living in misery and pain and being judged and living with a man who does not care who is incapable of f****** caring and you stuck me with another one I can't say something as simple as do you know if they've had their baby and said it turns into he's angry wants to know if I'm done asking him questions and I asked him that one question but now I'm back to walking on f****** eggshells cuz he's angry for no f****** reason we had a f****** great night and he blows it every time somebody always blows it I can't even ask him to leave me alone for a couple of minutes of him and his f****** temper to let me have a f****** orgasm I'm tired and I am done with this slavery I am done with somebody else judging me and telling me that I am causing them and their bad behavior. The burdens we Carry in what I wrote being ascribed about my father no one knows the burdens you carry inside and right now there's just popped in my head cuz I'm so f****** angry and now I'm angry cuz I lost it and it was a good one you can't show me any more about who I am but when it comes down to whatever day I'm living in misery forward being somebody else's fuel for their bad behavior. See I had a great night with Michael but it ended abruptly somebody's always ruining my f****** day but you know what I feel like you have lied to me and you have lied to me if you have done nothing but lie to me and it's the same time make me physically pay and some f****** way to live in someone else's judgment every f****** day live in somebody else's opinions and if they think that they're right even I can't even say let me have an orgasm in peace and you know what he said to me he doesn't give a f*** because he doesn't give a f*** about anything or anybody and this is another relationship that you put me through at the end of the world and you expect me to have love and to be thankful for what you put me through and my children because you put me through it you put my children once again repeat history what I hear slavery my girls having to clean and do the cooking while he taught them how but he didn't do it and I realize you just think it's about the cleaning but my girls are going to clean this f****** house of you once you've gone Satan I never want to see you again the serpent the beast the Mr 666 everything evil that you are snap crackle Pop I want you off my rock I have a lot of hate and I actually have it for Michael and I have it for you guys right now because you're still putting me through the physical f****** turmoil of my body at the same time trying to do this video the last video the world will ever see coming straight from the heavens I don't want drugs anymore I don't want pain anymore I don't want alcohol anymore I don't want tobacco anymore and when I say drugs I'm talking pharmaceuticals you f***** up you took everything of value and you put a f****** high price on it my Constitution my Bill of Rights my freedom my Justice yeah how can I pray about something I've never had?

After finally speaking to my sister, I learned more detailed information than what I learned before. It was years ago I'm still realizing I don't know the whole thing