I know I have hardly written in a long while. It took my father 6 years to get back to me in a very vivid dream. We were on my back patio me father is sitting to my right facing me, he is telling me that Jim is not a good man. My answer was love all he needs is love. Now that I know what I know now and not then that is the answer they wanted, love. The first time I stood in front of God begging God not to make my children lose their father they already lost their mother. Don't do this to them. Once again, my answer my children and love. Not me. Do what you want to do with me just not my children. Take note I didn't know what this was about.
I stood in front of God 3 different times in 3 different gardens with Greg's head on the ground, chained with his hands behind his back. My right leg feeling pushed to kick him in the rib's. I'm screaming and crying. Later it was Michael's life I was begging for. I'm hitting my fist on the ground screaming this was not the agreement. This was not the agreement God. The agreement was that nothing happen' s to Michael. He was supposed to live. Not to take Katie and Phil's father. His children have been through enough. I had seen Michael riding a red bike by someone I went to high school with property. He was an upper classman. Kyle and There's. I didn't find out this until weeks after agreement. Another twin peaks, the show and it just happens it's filming the sequel. All I could do was was think of the crazy log lady. I'm literally walking around them at that time. I said 2 myself, the father did it.
The 4th time in front of God Michael is wearing his tie dye t-shirt with a big white heart that he always wore whenever we see my X. I asked V Michael's X who also made an agreement B4 me why Michael always wears this shirt? She said Michael is here 4 love. She was also likely sitting in her zero-gravity chair, on zero ground, which means no power. Her agreement was also to be willing to look crazy. What I saw was Michael riding arm's wide open, head back toward the sun. A car hit him from behind. They drove off and all I could C was Michael laying in a ditch. I thot dead. I'm on my knee's pounding my fist on the ground. Screaming at God, begging and pleading. I lit all of Cyn's candles. I took out Keith's weed box with a red bike on top.
I discovered just recently that I did the same thing with Kyle. Sitting late in 2 the night. Having a peaceful spiritual moment. I was reading a old message from Craig. It said that when I look at the stars in the sky, then something about an undercover angel. I bawled. Then I'm running and screaming thru the parking lot. I got to the road heading for red rock road. I said out loud that I don't care about the rat's and snakes. I laid in the middle of the field. Curled in 2 a ball and went 2 sleep. I awoke at dawn cold. I walked to the last big mound on the left. Curled up on the side of the mound facing east, the morning sun and slept some more. Some 1 again called the police cuz some1 is sitting on a red rock. He came to check my ID. I told him he's blowing my mojo.
I was told we were going down in a plane 4 years from now. I'm running and screaming begging God not 2 take him. They lost their 2 mothers' young. Don't make them lose their father too.
I made 4 agreements. When I made this agreement, I wasn't thinking of V and her agreement. I felt like when I got to V's house it was set up just for me. Her and I were feeling and thinking the same thing's. V showed up at our house, we were renting a room in Si View. I had no idea she even knew where we lived. I'm sitting outside on the back patio with my bong that I was using CBD oil or high CBD flower for pain. Plus, my enhanced joint. A man whose son was addicted to meth, took it upon himself to break my bong and took the nail.
Someone is always taking or stealing my pain med's. Like Christine another server from work. Knew where I had them, she got in my wallet and took them. Christine you are a coward. Just because U admitted to Cyn doesn't mean your forgiven. Cyn does not speak for me. Before it was Zion Mary thinking she had the right to take my med's because as an adult she thinks she own's me and has all the rights still. Before this it was Greg. I am done. U don't get 2 decide my pain and how I treat it. U don't get 2 humiliate, belittle, ruin my character, to try and take me down with your illusions and lies. U don't get to steal from me. Take thing's from my home. Throw out my holey jean's. U don't any of U to lay a hand on me. U mentally ill and mentally healthy don't get to do 1 God damned negative thing towards me. I am done paying for your sins. Pick your door.
Shadows Of the Night/PB
I thru away all my pills except 2 the last February B4 the time I made another agreement to walk thru the valley shadow of death for 5 days. I had no idea who I was speaking to B4 I went in.I didn't know what that was. I didn't know what was wrong. 6 months later I kept hearing write, write. On this night I was to tired. I narrated what they wanted to say. Remember I'm just figuring out what a scribe is. Since I have remembered 3 things from my childhood that I had written. I was about 4 to 5 years old. I'm sitting in an insurance office writing. I had been doing this for the last couple day's writing. I wrote about emotions. There was an older man he seemed upset and emotional. The insurance office had a big elk on their sign.
Home/BS
The second was a song in 5th grade. I don't remember the lyrics. Just the title. It was Keep On Trucking For the Lord. The 3rd I was about 20. I realized I will never have a relationship with my father. He was married to his bottle. I named it The Man Without the Bottle. I told him how intelligent he was. I wrote about his carpentry. I wrote maybe in the next life we'll meet again. Now I look back I should of named it Letting Go or Forgiveness.
Tryin to get over U/VG
Back to V's unexpected visit. Her behavior was social and very outgoing, open and honest. She was happy, laughing and smiling. This is not V's normal personality. I went with it. She sat down across from me. She tells me about the agreement she made. To be willing to look crazy. No one knew, not even Michael. That she was diagnosed Bi-polar when, I believe a teen. Take note she's a Gemini, twin's.I was angry with Michael for not telling me and him catering to her mental illness. He finally told me he didn't know. She was really good at hiding it. Months later I laughed. I had found out in spring of 2017, that I had been married to a mentally ill man. Well, I have discovered more since my agreement. My laughter was here I am being angry at him for not telling me.
Neon Moon/BD
Here I am doing the same thing with no knowledge either. It was in the winter of 2015 walking back to another house of blue at the Gateway. 1 of the 4 thing's my sister told me in November 2013.
1. That I am not just Cherokee from my great grandmother, but that she married a Navajo. I knew this but didn't think much about it. Later I realized the suitcase of old photos that my grandmother Lily kept under her bed. I was about 3 when I started going thru these photos. My Great grandmother Bishop. Beatrice Bishop she and their children looked like birds to me. Eagle and hawks is what I saw, but this photo these native's looked much different. Very round faces. There were 7 to 8 people standing in front of a cabin. Overalls and butch haircuts. The one standing to the left had one blue eye and one brown eye. My great grandmother including her 12 brothers and sisters.
Queen Of Hearts/ JN
2. This I didn't know was that my first home wasn't where I was born, Renton. They turned the hospital later in 2 a Kmart. The joke was that I was a blue light special baby. It was the gateway. The first person to pick up the phone was a shelter in the Gateway. I went to school with Lisa who managed the shelter. I had kept hearing house of blue. V had a pepto bismol blue house. Her beasty blue truck. This House Of Hope was blue. another house of blue.
Wild Horses/GB
3. That I was a Kennedy on my Irish Catholic side. My grandma Catherine Anne Mulligan. I knew this also but never really thot about it. What am I go8ng to do, show up at their home, howdy cousin? Like that comedy where Quaid show's up with his very red neck family for Christmas. It was Chevy Chase's house. Now I don't know if I'm a Kennedy, but I do know I carry the curse of the Rose. Later looking at the Kennedy's history, I finally discovered a few things since. I thot it was about money. Why John Kennedy was shot and killed in 63 in Dallas Texas, and Robert in 68? I thot they were killed at first because they were influential, well liked. Then I went to the money, the Kennedy's couldn't be blackmailed. They had their own money. This family had been in politics for I don't even know how many decades.
I will FOllow U/CT/and If God Is on for us
It wasn't until after I got this apartment with the history channel. I think it was Ancient Alien's that I finally got the answer. John wanted to speak the Truth about the Alien's. The CIA didn't want this out. The excuse was it would create a panic. The Truth was our government want's the public to think that man and law their unconstitutional laws were the highest beings on my rock. Man, and law. The first time and only time I heard a voice come off someone. it was the nursing home. Mrs. Laws was there about 3 weeks. She was with it. Could communicate and carry a conversation. She was weak and slower moving but otherwise good. I was walking down the hall. She was screaming like a baby. Her night gown above her waist. No blanket and she is strapped down all four limbs. The word was dignity. She was right you don't treat my flock with dignity.
U Say/LD
Then I finally found an article about their sister Rose. She was a young adult. A young woman who wanted some freedom. She wanted to date boys. Perfectly normal. Her father had a frontal lobotomy done to her so she wouldn't be promiscuous. This is the Kennedy curse right here and my curse of the Rose. It is also why my aunt Judy had meningitis at 6 weeks old. She never went past the age of 5. I went to her school with her as a child. I don't know how I knew the answer maybe my CNA class Junior High. My grandmother told me it was the 106-degree fever that killed off part of her brain. I explained to my grandma after almost 50 years of no one telling her what happened to her daughter. I explained it was the virus that caused the fever not the fever that did it. She sat crying. All this time and no one told her the truth.
Faithfully/Journey
4. That I wanted 12 children when I was younger. I said bite your tongue, I felt like I barely survived, and they barely survived my 2 born daughters. I got pregnant by Greg 4 times. None planned. The first was Rose. For the longest time I saw a black cloud around this pregnancy. I couldn't see on this journey in the first 2 month's if it was a male or female. I was later reminded on this journey, that I made an agreement as a child like 5 or 6 years old. I said I will name my first daughter Rose, after my grandma Lily's perfume. I was having contractions at 4 months with Alex. I was told to go on full time bed rest. Greg laughed punched me in the arm and said U can do it. He did not acknowledge past that.
Packing and hauling, Painting and decorating the nursery. No help from Greg. I made the crib set, with matching bumper pads and pillows. Helping Greg with the installation of the wood stove. Found a pedestal sink and a matching mirror on clearance, along with linoleum. I called Bob Greg's dad. A man who could fix and build anything. I didn't know if Greg knew anything about plumbing. They didn't put the mirror I bought back in. Bob thot Greg would do it. I had asked Greg for 3 weeks 2 put the mirror back in. I'd get a spike migraine from the smell. I have been getting shown all the time's Greg ignored me. It was all the time. He wouldn't do one thing I asked. I'd do all the investigating, pricing and quality on stuff. GO back and discuss with Greg. If someone else said something for example the brother printer. I expressed from the beginning a no. Adam liked his so Greg ignored and did just the opposite, every mother fucking time. This is what they've been showing me. Later years a medium told me not to ask him for anything. It gives him power. It's part of the curse. When he bought or did anything I requested he flat out ignored me for years. Truly this man would leave me for dead if there was no one around. I'm not even worthy to eat.They have been showing me my life with Zion and Greg and his mother. All the similarities. The control, the threats, the nit picking, judgement, River of Denial, Deflection and blame I ask what the perception of the Truth is coming from a class A narcissist, and sociopath, sadomasochism, misogynist perspective B on Truth My sister and I wondered how we married 2 men that were like our mother? My sister lived thru the same thing with the father of her children. Elaine has apologized 1 time. I wrote a 7-page letter to her B4 Kiley was born. Greg read it approved it. I wasn't putting up with the childish behavior. All because I asked if she could hold off for 3 weeks, so Greg could bond. Greg had to convince her in 2 coming to C their first-born grandchild. She never showed up 2 help at all. I pointed out the blame and the lies. That I am the only who has provided grandchildren, and this is the way U have treated me. She called after she read it and apologized. It was an empty apology bcuz she went right back to that childish behavior. I told her of all her gatherings I was right by their side, helping. I was the only one who cleaned the house and did laundry. I've discovered that they always ruined my day. Threats of abandonment, not allowed to show emotions yet they can misbehave ruining the birth of my children. My family's tradition's, being judged. Even buying easter dresses, I'm judged by the mentally ill, being judged' made to suffer and pay. All during childhood and after being punished and judged by Greg then Greg and Mary. Going over that first set up and I hadn't noticed
All The Right Moves 1 Republic he set up the first time he had me meet with Mary. He said it was to discuss making her a partner and taking on investors in my business. That isn't what happened at all it was a spousal agreement that I had no rights to do anything, being on computer. In putting billing from files. Answer phone. A page and a half of telling me I can no longer do my job. I can only enter in 2 the front lobby. The day before my surgery he did this and the day of he was supposed to come home and feed me. Take me to the restroom. He didn't call or show. He came home all happy after 7 and said he went 2 lunch with Mary and it was her idea to make me a nice dinner. Like this is normal. The next day after my surgery Greg called wanting 2 know if I met with a lawyer about this contract signing my rights away? This man had no logic, no common sense. Dumb as a box of rocks. Later we all 3 met with my lawyer. He told them I'm not signing it and he has never seen anything like it. It was a 300-dollar bill, Greg said he's not paying it. It has nothing to do with the business. Remember the allowance I was given after years of doing the billing and managing the money. Greg had no logic with money or investments. I had to pay for grocery and gas. Whatever bill I had for going back to work, I was made responsible, we weren't even separated. He couldn't respect to live in the back. After a couple weeks he took it upon himself to come back to my bed. All 4 of my dogs attacked him, then later that night I was attacked by Greg pinning me down, dry humping me and rubbing his face in my neck and shoulders. Nope there was no Truth or justice. There wasn't a justice system at all. An unwarranted restraining order. He just screamed at me that I let my children get out of line. In my lobby, well it used to be. It was a children's class. The kids did that once or twice a class. Another set up. the 3rd time they tried. I'm told I have to watch my tone. I can't inflict my voice even with frustration. I was following behind him, What I said quietly and firmly was don't you turn your back on me. He opened the door to the other lobby. For blackmail I was told by these 2 that I would be made to pay for half of his school loans. I paid already.
With Kiley, I almost miscarried her at 2 months. I was working at this time and had to quit. I was writhing with lower back pain all night long. Greg did not acknowledge or would he take the day off work to help me. Then the fourth pregnancy by Greg. I didn't need a pregnancy test on my 2 to 4th pregnancy. It was the dizzying black cloud. I recognized the feeling from my first pregnancy. All I could do was sleep deeply. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This 4th pregnancy was Kiley's Irish twin. What upset me when I miscarried this one. Turned out 2 B my brother. The name Elijah Todd. The 5th by another man I had no idea. Her name Jimmie Jane another nick name JJ. I wanted a girl JJ.
Remember When/AJ
I was highly stressed I didn't know how I was going to do 3 children with an absentee husband. Whom didn't stick to any agreement? The agreement to stop all this having to get out of town. To stop the party. He didn't slow down. It was all about Greg. He did what he wanted when he wanted, and it was up to me to pack load and haul for these road trips. Prepping and cooking meals, and shopping for these road trips. Plus, I was his designated driver. In California, during my pregnancies and after. Greg was my designated driver one time in California. Yes, nothing happened when we met Gwen and Kenny in San Fran at Again nothing happened, nothing. In the car all I said was I miss my friend. He say's oh here U go again. U over did it once again. He brings up 3 and a half years earlier when I visited Greg at school. I had been here many times because I had friends at Western from my school years. He was going to study after we had dinner. I wasn't very experienced with alcohol. I had 2 glasses of red wine at dinner along with him. Then I had like 2 to 3 shots of tequila. Let's just say so I didn't feel well. I never got emotional. This night for 2 hours I was just a hole to him flip flopping me around.
Crazy/Aerosmith
That I was on my own. Just so happens Gwen was also there. He kept bringing this up over the years. I don't know what he was so upset about, he fucked me for 2 hours like he did at least the last couple of years in our marriage. Flip Flopping me around like a rag doll kitty cat. No regard for me or if I'm getting pleasure. He didn't touch me at all during. I was just a hole not a human being. I got up in the middle and turned on the light wondering what is going on? I thot it was my mixture of alcohol and being sick. I was blaming myself. Take note from day one our first date Greg drank every day. When I first met his mother and father, martinis after work. Elaine didn't even have her coat off.
Don't Stop Believing/J
Later at the end of our marriage I realized he was punishing me. That is what this man did after we bought that fucking biggest fixer upper ever. He punished me. Would just stop for example mowing the lawn. He just stopped. My sleep clinic doctor told me I needed to hire help. Greg wouldn't let me. He found out I gave my neighbor boy a lawn mowing job for the summer. Like 10 bucks a week. He races home b4 Cody got there and start's mowing the lawn. Then he walks in the slider and asked why I couldn't mow the lawn? That's what he would do passively aggressively drop his job, his only consistent job in our house. He'd just stop. This is the summer he came in and took the books to get caught up working from home with my girls. I had been trying since winter to get him to hire a bookkeeper. He refused. He didn't want to pay for one. Why would he, he had his Jack Ass of all trades, Jack Ass of a wife to do his bidding.
Fire and Ice/PB
I named Kiley's Irish twin, Elijah Todd. My mother who is racist. A closet racist. She said that's a black name. I said no it's a peaceful name. My brother deserves to have a peaceful name. Yes, when I named him not knowing it was really a boy and my brother, or Father Jesus Christ? However, when I named this one, I pictured an older black man in overalls sitting on his front porch, strumming his guitar on his farm. At peace, serenity. Later on this journey on the history channel. I discovered that God had a prophet that didn't die, God just took him home. His name Elijah.
Life In the Fast Lane/Eagles
On my fifth pregnancy by Jim, it is the first time ever I didn't know I was pregnant in the first 3veeeks maximum. I didn't find out until 12 to 12 and a half weeks. No sign's once so ever. Her name is Jimmie Jane. My sister's name is Kimmie. Jim's real name James. I had a JJ in my family and names carry on in my family. I wanted my own JJ. MY own bird, My own blue Jay. I aborted her with no drugs at 12 and a half weeks. As I was walking out the door the nurse stop's me, she said that was the most incredible thing she had ever seen.
U probably wonder about my two abortion's I had a conversation with both. I told God on the first. I'm not ready, emotionally or financially. I gave them both back. With Jimmie Jane I was not raising another kid when I have 2 more to feed and care for. I wasn't having a baby with Jim. He was a compulsive liar. He acted like my life and my children's didn't matter. He was an alcoholic, financially, physically and emotionally abusive. He literally lived off me for a year and paid for nothing. More broken agreements. All these lies and broken promises. Iwas not bringing her into this world with a father like him. Him and his daughter Haley was like living with the grifters. Stealing from me, destroying my stuff and no follow thru on any agreement. I heard after I made this agreement that Jim and Mary Cochran Stone are not God's. No it wasn't about revenge. I had not thot of these two yet when they said it right at the beginning of this journey. Jim and Mary R not one of God's.
Holding Out 4 A Hero/BT Secret Dreams and Forbidden Fire
