Killing You Softly

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How Is This Love?

When I first started dating Michael we moved in together. We had been best friends for five years. Except the one year he re-married Vivian his ex-wife. I wasn't in love with Michael, I was hurt and I knew it wasn't a good idea. Michael announced to me on the phone that he and V were getting married again. I asked Michael, "what is different this time that makes you two think this is going to work? Michael said, "we have God." I didn't say it but I thought it, "where was God the first time?" Both Michael and V told me later that if I had said that out loud it would of stopped them both dead in there tracks. Sometimes unanswered prayers are a blessing.

Michael went to a local church, it was called Cascade Covenant here in North Bend. I had attended it on and off over the years but I just wasn't feeling it. I was not against Michael going to church and doing his thing to find his God. I never cared what religion someone followed as long as they were happy. I always believed at the top it was just one God. Either the Son or the Father they were one in the same to me. I never understood how? Now I understand all to clearly.

Michael was in the choir, band and he did volunteer work with the teen's doing skit's for the church. Michael was at the church a average of five nights a week and two sermons on Sundays.  Whenever a woman who was single and in distress Michael would get a call to go help with whatever small repair they needed done. Every Halloween he volunteered for Night in the Dark, it was a outdoor haunted house. I had met Michael's band and choir leader before and I had been drinking it was the day I moved in with Michael. I attended church one time, I had a conversation with a woman I had known for years, I told her that yes we live together, that we had known each other for years. Michael hadn't drank in like seventeen years. He was good for me, he was kind and loving. No he didn't have allot of money and I did not care.

This woman took it upon herself to tell Michael's band leader who just happened to be the assistant pastor. Later Michael get's a call and asked to meet with the assistant pastor. He was told that because he was living with a woman in sin that he could no longer participate in his choir and band, that he was a senior member of the congregation. That it looks bad for a senior member of the church to live with a woman in sin. That he is more than welcome to attend church but that he could no longer participate. Michael had no idea he was considered a senior member of the congregation. This was the first he heard of it. I mean no one ever called Michael and asked him to come over and hang out. When he sat in the congregation he sat alone unless his children attended with him. Pretty political right?

I told Michael " I will move Michael, I will not stand between your church and your God." I'm not like that. Michael said "no he will not let a church dictate who he loves or how." This assistant pastor, who I always thought resembled a pig kept trying to meet with Michael to make him feel guilty for sinning in his eyes, not God's. As a leader you guide. You teach. It is not your place as man to punish and judge. As any rep for any true religion that you use God's name you know that inside but some choose to misuse God for the wrong power.
That pig keeps coming up in my life. Those two rutting demonic pig's I'd see rutting in my mind after Greg finished with using my body. I never understood why two because, I certainly didn't get off? I felt defiled, and drained. I'd turn on my side and cry. How can a man do all that he has done and, still expect to have sex with me?

Steal my business, my family, making mountains out of mole hills for being human? Spreading rumors and lies even after. I said to him one day one the phone, "you wish I was dead, you wish I'd just disappear don't you Greg? He said, "you know Colleen, my lawyer told me that you'd never amount to anything after leaving me. You'd just bounce from man to man and fade out. Then he said, you know Colleen I just want you to get better for the girls." I said, well how does these two things you just said to me add up Greg?" "How does any of your actions and words match with just what you just said?"

In the fourth or fifth grade me and Gwen went to visit a convalescent home. A woman came at me with her arms outstretched shuffling in her wheel chair toward me. She had two holes in her face where her nose used to be. That night at dinner Sue served ham and that woman came up in the conversation, I didn't eat ham again until I ate my mother in laws ham. I ate bacon sometimes growing up, but usually only when my grandmother Lily cooked it up and served it to me.

I have learned since just maybe why some religions don't eat pork. Turns out JC cast some demons into pigs. Would of liked to of learned this at church, but we sinner's weren't good enough in this cults eyes. When I moved to California I learned in a homeopathic seminar about bacon and I didn't eat bacon for about seven years and it was rare even then. I don't think I even ate pork chops for many years until a young woman in California gave me a recipe. You know the other white meat.

After this happened to Michael, I called Sue because she attended the same church in another location and she knew the lead pastor. I wanted her advice. She told me that these rules are God's rules. I asked her "how is that love?" I mean as a church anyone who is hurting should be able to attend and participate. Isn't it the hurting and suffering who come to God? Isn't this why we come into his house, to learn about him first and make choices? Shouldn't they offer love to me and Michael instead of judgement? Who is man to judge anyone?

It's not love. It is not God's rules. They are mans rules. Jesus Christ came here during a time of all this religion and all this war and controversy. Funny that timing right? He spoke of peace walking through all these religions, he did not raise a hand. He said God is not about rules and rituals. He is about LOVE. Even if they are God's rules that does not give man the right to ostracize and judge. It is not your job in any house you place his name on. All these clubs and rules that hold mankind back from learning what God's true love for his children are. God is about love and compassion. He sees the bigger picture. He has known all along why we feed ourselves poison when our heart is empty. Those who sit in your big houses that you label a church do not have faith in God when you judge others. You do not have faith in him and his family to drive this bus.

Growing up being bounced from church to church watching others behaviors in these church's I wondered just how this is gonna work? I mean all these different religions and each religion thinks they have it right. They think they are the only way to connect with God is through their own religion. I couldn't see how any one religion or one person thinks they are the only entitled ones to get into heavens gates? So everyone else is going to purgatory or hell? All those people from the dark ages went to hell for all that rape and pillage? All these beatings and rapes you do to your own wives, mothers and sisters. You think because you have a kick stand you are entitled to take from me and get into heavens gates? Lucky for mankind God doesn't follow religion. God follows what each person carries in their hearts and that is all. You are a organic being. Not a synthetic being. You are from the heavens born of this rock on this rock.
This rock is your home away from home. We are God's flock and we carry that rock of salvation inside our hearts. We stand for one God under one family. We do not serve a system who has no love for this planet. We do not serve a entity we serve each other through God's love only.
I know who I am inside. I know who I am on the outside. I know who I stand for. I know who carries me when I am down. I know who has picked me up each time I fell. I know who holds this mothers heart in the palm of His hands. I will serve him and only him. My creator, my father, my brother, my one true love, forevermore.