Rage At The Machine

01/19/2016

Hello! You don't know who I am. To tell you the truth 7 months ago I didn't either. This is going to be one long blog. Some of you who read this might recognize who I am. Truth is what can you tell by looking at someone from the outside? I have learned so much about myself and my family in the last 7 months. I hope as you read this you can see lil pieces of myself inside you. That is what I learned on this Journey. First I called it a spiritual journey. I didn't know what else to call it. I just knew it had something to do with my family. If it had something to do with my family I wanted my family not to hurt anymore. Something about Michael my friend of 12 years and my boyfriend of 7 years. Something about my sister, something about my mother, something about my children. I kept feeling a presence around me. One I hadn't felt inside me for such a long time. I thought that I was walking alone all these years. Watching as my life slowly slipped away and I wondered like maybe you have at times "why me, why me God? Why did you place me here around all this insanity? With this crazy mother?  I remember hitting the wall and sitting on the floor in my mother and step fathers house bawling my eyes out. I was tired and burned out and I didn't understand at the time what all this crazy behavior going on around me was all about?

If you do not wish to have the answers to what is really going on with our food, with our children, with our families and why all the pain and chaos going on around us, then turn me off. If you have a religious point of view and want to stay within the parameters of your religion, then turn me off. If you have a lot of fear and anxiety and maybe you just don't like change then turn me off. If you don't like swear words, or cursing then turn me off. If you think sex is evil then turn me off. Quite frankly I don't care what you think about me. I'm not asking for you to fix me because I'm not broken, At least not anymore I am not. If you want to live your life in denial to everything that is going on around us and you are waiting for someone else to fix it for you, then turn me off. I don't have the energy to argue with you anymore. You are not free to place your judgments, your fears upon me anymore. I am not taking the heat or blame anymore. This is my story to tell not yours. This is my family, my life not yours. I am not suicidal for 1 minute. I am not the voice of doom like you think. I am hoping that if I share what I have learned with you that maybe I will help to lighten your load. Even if its just a lil bit that is a good start. Some of my story has to do with our food, all those big books, all those theology books and the stories we have been led to believe for centuries. All these books came from somewhere and they have been altered here and there. When this started I did not follow religion and I don't now. I did not follow politics to well because when it came down to making a choice the candidates and issues all had some good and bad. I'd get lost in the issues because of all the red tape involved in a choice. I guess you can say a lot of choices added something but it took something else away that was crucial to the point of what the issue was. All that confusion in the labels we have placed on each other in everything. Everything has a label now even emotions and feelings. Having feelings about something is bad. Now a days their is a pill for every emotion. Legal or illegal, their is something for anything that ails us in life. The only true thing I knew in my life is that their was a God and that no matter what I did in this life, he would understand why I did the things I did. That as long as I didn't take something from someone else that didn't belong to me that no matter what I would be fine. That anything I had inside myself he knew. I knew I couldn't keep secrets from him. I knew that no matter what their had to be a point to my so called miserable 47 year old life and when things started getting weird. I mean really weird it was time to find out. This was my last ditch effort to finding the answers and maybe you won't judge me so harshly when you read this. I did this out of LOVE.

This started with triggers. Some triggers in life bring us up and some bring us down. Some times the hits just keep coming and coming and you don't even have time to catch your breath.  The hits just kept coming and coming. My paychecks at work were messed up. Short hours short dollars. It was a mess trying to get it fixed actually it never did get fixed. I worked at a truck stop along I 90 as a server. I know I could of done something else with my life. Truth be told, I liked the hustle and bustle and the different personalities of people. I liked to make people smile, give them a reason to come back. Even a smile can make someones day. You just never know how much a smile can heal someone else. At that truck stop things were getting harder and harder. Things were coming down from the top in that corporation that made no sense at all.  They kept trying to cheapen the quality of food and taste while cutting the portions. The servers were in charge of restocking the salad bar which made our customers have to wait. The truckers wanted more fruit on the salad bar and something consistent with the price. Plus they would shut it down at 10 p.m. even if people ordered food with a salad. Or an all you can eat soup and salad bar. We had no buss er so they would try to get the dishwasher to double up and they would be behind. It was always double duty for everyone. The water in the place never worked right. Always a water issue somewhere. Our server line flooded all the time and we didn't have mats to prevent us from slipping on that line. The line was gridlocked with the way it was set up. We couldn't get our food from the kitchen all at once or even cooked right most of the time. Always short handed it seemed and it was the customers that suffered, then the servers. The servers are your contact to the customers and in order to be a good server you have to work for a company that is going to put the customers first and set up the servers and staff to succeed at their job. By giving great service a long with great food. When something would go wrong the blame would just get passed back and forth. When you work for a corporation that is about money and not quality their is a problem. Especially when that corporation keeps raising prices and cheapening the quality of the food and the service. That they care so little about the truckers that they created a program called something Kings. Big name, right? Makes you feel like it right? You go through the pain in the ass hassle of using this card for points for something free like a pop here and there. Free meal on Holidays if you happen to be a trucker at one of there truck stops. Sounds nice right? What about the rest of all the other rules and hassles, the stipulations just to use this card that offers you offers always within a parameter that is less than. You can only have this at this time by this price.This is what we offer and you accept the offer of what they are serving and the server takes the order, puts it in the system, only the system is messed up and always changing how we charge and prices they nickel and dime everything they offer for any add on or substitute, and you get it back and your steak is MW and you ordered rare. They didn't give what they offered and you have to go, then the real bargaining begins. You accept whatever just to get going to earn your paycheck and you pull cash out of a machine to pay for your food and the ATM charges the truckers and locals extra just to use a machine to pay for their food that they offered and it was less than. You get to the cash register to use your card and no Hostess, she's on the floor taking orders and running food. You wait she comes running and the reader card doesn't work on your card, or they have to use a coupon and run a code a certain way and the code doesn't work and your time is running out and boom! You pay unhappy and you didn't get fed anything that they offered and in the end those truckers pay the price and the servers and the cooks and the managers and the locals and the tourist who come up and down those mountains everyday. They only truly cater to the truckers and the corporations pocket book. Corporations take credit and if they give credit I guarantee you, you will pay the price. Some corporations only care about money not people not customers their bread and butter. Corporations everywhere feed you a bunch of lies and horse shit and when the chips fall they take your money, your job, your livelihood, they fuck it up for just trying to take what a corporation offers you, what you are owed and they make it hard to get the money. They change the parameters of where the money goes. How you get it. You sign contracts with the State our Corporate America the Federal Go'vt and they have their hand in every cookie jar. Going back and changing the rules of every contract you ever had with anything in the State as they go along. They hire people and open all these programs to help people that have already paid with their lives our veterans our elderly our disabled and ill or hurt and they offer food stamps even and as soon as you get something from somewhere else they change the parameters of this agreement and how you can get it and where to go and who to call come back in a week bullshit. You follow all the rules and keep showing up everything they tell you to do and you can't reach anyone. You get directed elsewhere in a cluster fuck of information that provides nothing but a waste of your energy and time. When you get to your destination and again those DSHS employees are dropping like flies. Transferring, over worked doing double duty in a case load in s short amount of time and expecting them to take the heat and pull off miracles because when they turn around no one showed up for the program, except the client. Every door that has been offered to me in this system does not connect because non of it connects anywhere. This is how people get lost in the cracks and then told sorry your time is up here. I know nothing really connects out here. People follow the rules of the state to get somewhere and you get no where. But they always make it about those food stamps and how much money is going out on those. I want to know where is the rest of it? I have shown up they have not. As the system erodes, so does the people. They slip away and lose a lot just trying to follow the two year gauntlet of rigorous hell going to the doctor and that, check here check there, not a paycheck you morons. More letters telling you to get to the next step while you run around hurting you lose your home and family and life. That is just one of the many examples of the horse shit we get fed everyday. While they treat us like cattle, while they poison our meat and set up all these guidelines on adding more poison to our quality meat care, dairy care, fruit care, while they have contracts with these companies that spread poison in our seeds in our tomato plants. Did you know that they check farmers to make sure they aren't washing the poison of their seeds. That seed then poisons the soil. The Gov't has contracts with these soil companies for money, not food. For poison, not life. The whole reason we have a Gov't is for the people. The Gov't feeds the people not poisons them. Making contracts for money to poison us and then make it an issue about the food stamps. Where is the rest of the money? Our land is eroding and so is our people. The illusion of the hand out is just an illusion. They spend more money in advertising these programs and acting like they are doing all they can do. When what they can do is remember why we have a Gov't in the first place. Truth is each time we get a new candidate here and there it is such a mess they can't fix it and it gets worse and worse. I just want the Gov't to stop feeding us poison while feeding the wallet. The image. Feed the people their civil rights, their right to eat and drink the water without being poisoned. The right to put the people first not the label. Stop feeding the bullshit and lies.

When you follow along with my life in the last 7 months I'm going to ask you this, pay very close attention to my emotions. That is what I have discovered that was missing for so long. Emotions! I'm going to talk about people in my life. I's my life not yours. These are my feelings not yours. Don't try to tell me how I should of did things differently, because everything I did, is all done. That is just the way it is. I can't go back. I can't change one God Damn thing. So don't waste your breath trying to change me, change my point of view. When you try to change someone, you are judging them. It doesn't matter what your intentions are. Good or bad the outcome of telling someone they are broken is not for you to decide. When I talk about my family and my past it's not about judgement for me. It shouldn't be for you either, it's not your life or story, its mine.
Before you go further I'm going to tell you something I have learned about pain. Pain is an emotion. Pain affects us in different ways. It affects us mentally, emotionally and physically. All three hurt. No doubt about it. When my family walked me on this journey, they started healing me first, they kept me moving. They kept my blood to pumping and my muscles have gotten stronger. When this started I could barely walk. I worked with heat packs strapped to me ir taped to my spine and back. I asked my chiropractor for an x-ray and when we looked at it he said "I have never seen anything like this. I don't know what to call it even. Your messed up and I can't help you with this one." He helped me and he didn't even know it. I had no curvature in my spine. My tail bone was tucked under and it face one way while my pelvis went in the opposite direction. Plus I learned I had scoliosis. Undiagnosed for about twenty years. I went to the doctors to discuss the next step. Wouldn't you know it? The x-ray technician said mild scoliosis and all the other measurements are good. Had he bothered to do his job and read the x-rays like he should of then maybe I wouldn't have to sit looking at a doctor treating my like I'm making this pain up. She's telling me my pain is only mild based on what that misread x-ray technician put in the report. While I was getting the x-rays done, the technician who took them and could see disc in my back protruding and out of place. I checked out other options in pain management. I knew one thing I was tired of this doctor and insurance B.S. for everything. At the time weed became legal. I studied Indica and Sativa. Indica brings you down and Sativa brings you up. Not everyone is the same. I have discovered that some people are opposites. Nothing wrong with that. To me it means that something that brings you up may bring someone else down. Some people bodies react differently than the status quo.  Something to keep in mind. I was tired of taking all these inflammatory that burned the heck out of my stomach and intestines and who knows what else after continuously running this throughout the rest of our organs. They weren't effective they side effects were higher than the benefits of these pills. I'd get the run of the mill muscle relaxer that just put me to sleep and did nothing else. I couldn't take them by day only at night. Then I was given gavipatin for nerve pain. It knocked me on my ass and I couldn't move when I woke in the morning from not moving all night. Yes my muscles hurt, my disc, and all in between. I had pinched nerves not nerve damage. That is why it didn't do anything. regardless of how my pain escalated or what caused it, my point was I hurt. Going to the doctors you couldn't get a reprieve from the pain only more poison to add to the mix. You see their is this veil of addiction and addictive medication, cause and effect. Apparently if you become or have the potential to be an addict of any kind when you go to get medical care bottom line is you lost the right to be free of pain. It's available, but their are so many barriers it's horrendous. If you move or transfer doctors you have to start all over. You have to see the doctor a certain amount of times before they will treat pain. Their are doctors who flat out won't treat pain. Physical pain, a M.D. a physician will write a prescription for antidepressants, that kind of pain before they will treat physical pain. We use antidepressants for all sorts of things. If you feel bad emotionally. A lil sad. You are given a pill not to feel so bad. If you are angry you are given a pill to suppress your anger. Your told by religions and others that anger is bad. Anger is a emotion, like pain. When we take legal or illegal drugs not to feel a certain way after awhile we turn into zombies. We start to not feel things that we should. Out of all the pain I have endured the last 7 months as they have peeled back the layers of emotions, some not even mine. Cause and effect through the generations. How we pass the pain on down to our children. As they have brought me back home and all around this Washington where I live where I was born, they have walked me back through conversations I had never thought of in years, places I hadn't been to in a long time. Some of those places I had no desire to look back. The most painful part for me has been the emotions. It hurt worse than those fist like rocks. It hurts worse than a burning muscle or disc. As I have cried my tears away as they walk me through this journey showing me myself. My truth for who I am. My truth for "why God?" Now I ask "why not, why not me?" Truth hurts and my family has shown me things I had never heard of or even knew existed. Sometimes when I asked questions I didn't like the answers. They usually made the point for what they were showing me and teaching me one step at a time. They brought me to it slowly before they showed me just what the point is. When this started I didn't know their would be so many layers to this story and their is a lot of symbolism I have discovered. In a name of a person or place for example. My journey and story just keeps growing and getting bigger and bigger and closer and closer to the truth.
When someone puts a book out their and only tells you part of the story. Would you call it truth? What if we were so busy putting labels on books like the big book, the bible and theology. What if we left one part of the story out because it seemed to hard to believe it could be true? So society labeled it theology. A theory, or science fiction, which is another way of saying not true. Only a dream. We have categorized ourselves to death. We put our selves in the boxes. We let someone else determine who I am by the color of my skin. It is determined what class I sit in. Before I'd check white. Now I'm not so sure of what category I sit in. I'm not sure where I fit in. I have become a number in society. The dredges of society. The burden. The drain on society with my ebt card. When I started this I never went hungry until the ebt card came in to play. I am now a 47 year old homeless woman because I buried one day in the woods, someone else' monkey. Not mine. I took the heat and the blame for that eye glass case and what it contained. I did that because something was very wrong. When Michael handed me the eyeglass case that contained his pipe, he read to me what his friend wrote inside, "To Michael From Herb." He then said "Colleen it's like saying to me "you can't have me. He can." I said back "exactly." That was the point at that time. I didn't know it, but looking back, that was the point, "who gets Michael? Me or him. I took that eyeglass case and stuck it in my back pack purse. Basically I didn't think to much more about it. I think I forgot about it. So much happened around this time, it's hard to know exactly where things started. It's hard to know when at this point I have been returned to my past as far back as the day I was born. I have been taken back through my parents lives, my mother and my father. I have been taken back to just what their burdens were in life and they didn't even know it themselves. I have been taken back through so much of my sisters life through the beginning of just where her burdens her pain started for her. I have been taken back through my brothers life who died in a car crash in December around Christmas sometime. He was 17 years old and my brothers life was horrible by a long shot. Looking back that boy never had a chance. I have learned that when we come to this place, I'm talking about earth, some of us weren't born with clean slates. I have been taken through parts of both sets of my grandparents lives. I have been shown the parts where our lives crossed in certain places, at certain times of our lives. I have seen things I had since long forgotten about. In order to do this Journey with me you can start by putting on my shoes, for just a lil while. That is what I had to do was put on someone else's shoes that I thought were mine. It turns out they were not my shoes after all. It turns out I thought I was making choices and decisions all along in my life. I thought I was the one in control. I thought I was the one driving the bus. This body this vessel. This shell. I have been walked through just how and when the pain started for me. How it changed and how it effected me. When they showed me this it dawned on me just how pain differs in our bodies. In these shells. By my family showing me this I started to learn about cause and effect on me. How when certain things impact me, I became aware of what part of my body hurt and where it hurt. As they have shown me this about my self, I would re act to these answers in a different way. When this started somewhere around the beginning of July last year, I would be laying outside on a zero gravity chair and I wouldn't be thinking about much at all. I'd just let my mind wander. I let it wander to where ever it went and I accepted what I was seeing. They would show me scenes around my heartbreak for me. They would show me how I responded to that heart break inside me. As they took me back to certain conversations and re-walk me through it. It was like I was in it myself not looking down on my self or outside the scene. I was re-living and re-feeling the scene. The emotion and the pain. How I hurt and how I felt and just where it felt in my body. As I would relive the scenes I could feel knives slide out of my back, it was a release. It felt better. I wasn't even moving but I could feel my muscles shift and at times a slam feeling. Like something popped into place. I became aware that whatever was happening to me, that know matter how weird things were. I was healing, I could move easier with less pain. I wasn't so locked up. That was good, my life was a mess, I didn't know what was going on with the people around me. Why people were acting so extreme. I knew something was wrong. Wrong with me physically, not just my back but every time I went to work I hurt in all sorts of ways. Things were weird for me that's for sure. The smell of the water made me nausea's. At times just walking in the restrooms I wanted to dry heave. Not from the fecal matter smell just a sickening heavy smell. The oil vats were the worst for me. The smell of oil in that place I couldn't go near it let alone look at it. I would get this heavy feeling. Like a deep fatigue behind my eye that I could not shake. I would feel like I was being pulled down to the floor. It got so bad that my insides felt like someone was pulling my internal organs down to the ground and they would be on fire. Each time I went to work I came home sicker. I wasn't aware that work made me sick. I liked work. When you work with the public you work with so many different personalities each day that no day is ever the same. In order to do this job, you had to be able to wear many hats. Some people had good days, some people had bad. You had to be flexible in physically and mentally. Especially with truckers. Truckers are really a different breed. You really can't judge a book by it's cover with truckers. Hey we all get burned out and tired, and when you eat where you sleep, sometimes those truckers just came in for a cup of joe and off they'd go and others had no where else to go while they waited for their next destination. So much plays into the next destination for each trucker. So much more than you would ever know. You live where you work and you work where you live most days of your life. When your a long hauler most do this alone. Cut backs happen everywhere in life, it affects all of us. So when a trucker comes in and he's got "I'm a prick written all over his face." I have to determine just what kind of prick this one is going to try to be?" You also have to determine if this was going to be a long process or a short one." My goal is to get the job done as efficiently as possible for both him and me." Remember, some days I hurt so cause and effect come into play with some of these guys. Truckers are bored and or lonely and usually truckers just wanna play and have a good time. A lil laugh. Share something about themselves. No one else to listen. At least that they didn't have to pay an arm and a leg. We all pretty much have X's. children, heart breaks and woes. We all have our own burdens to carry. We all have our own crosses to bare you might say. Truckers come in all shapes and sizes. Some are dumb as a bunch of rocks, or highly intelligent. Some are disrespectful and feel entitled to my time for that potential tip. They want to run me ragged and push my buttons. One thing I know for sure when your a server your always moving. Multi task up the yin yang and multiple personalities in the kitchen and at the counter. All sitting in one hodge podge of a eclectic group of people. We were all different races, some are rich some are not so rich. Some are happy and some are sad. The ones that are angry those are the ones to look out for. Anger flows all sorts of ways and gets past around. If a person is angry and you are serving their food, you bet your bottom dollar that server is going to pay the price. Some people in life think they are the only one in life and that it is all about them. I learned right off the bat, who the assholes were, and just what they were angry at. It usually wasn't the server after all, it's usually what came out of the kitchen, and how it came out of the kitchen. then things would usually take a turn for the worse. You bet your bottom dollar I want to serve that asshole of a trucker his food right, the first time. Not because I think he is entitled to his behavior, but whether myself or the customers can waste our time placating his every demand. Sometimes some truckers were angry with women period. A woman broke their heart some where along the line I suspect. All for that dollar or two tip? No, some people you know that no matter what you do or how right you do it, your going to be wrong. I prefer to be with a customer who wants me to be with them. As the kitchen would back up, the tables would get grid locked as well as the servers getting grid locked on that line trying to put together our wrong plates to get them out plus restock the salad bar, who suffered in the end? The trucker? The Server? The customer? or the corporation?

I have discovered that their all types of corporations in this world. We have the corporation with in our Gov't structure and we have corporations publicly owned. Then we have small business owners, the employee and the customers. First and foremost the whole idea of having a corporation is to make a profit. As the money gets distributed from top to bottom the earning potential increases down that line. For a couple of decades maybe more working for a corporation had benefits. Money in your pocket, insurance medical and dental and different types of insurance's short term and long term. Sick day's, maternity leave and medical leave in case of sickness or injury. You had backup if something happened to you. You and your family were covered. You use your body and your mind to earn that pay check. You put in your time and energy for a quality of life.

In the federal and state Gov't you had back up in case something really went wrong with your life. You paid the state and Federal Gov't out of each pay check, even unemployment. It is I believe mandatory to pay this. It is mandatory to pay all kinds of taxes and fees in your life. Especially the toll booths and schools. We paid taxes already for this service. Including the postal service. No matter what the burden's all fall on us the tax payer. Our grandparent's had this kind of life. Some went through the depression, others war's. They lived through it. Things started to balance out. The American dream was achieved right? For awhile yes. Things changed, our parents tried for that dream and for many things started slipping away, then came my generation, more addiction. more stress more illness and disease. People are dropping like flies. You see I have figured out that over time we moved away from monopoly's and we had more opportunity for your own chance to make something. Many people went into small business' and grew and grew. Then computers and technology, more investors adding up. Then recession and war. War has been going on for generations and generations. In every country, suppression. Every place had their own issues. The people in other countries are struggling for their own food and water and right to have a home. To raise a family in peace. Pretty soon this USA, this Nation. People want what we have. We had different Religious sects, we had different culture's, different races. For the most part we had some semblance of peace. So it seemed.

We have a National Debt that keeps growing. All this money to provide weapons and food and clothing to other countries. That cost us the tax payer money. I have noticed that their is no balance. We have money going out hand over fist. We are becoming weaker and weaker. The people at the bottom of this are really taking the hits even harder. I ask this "Why isn't our debt ratio going down? Why is our veteran's, our elderly, our mentally and physically ill, the unemployed, the weaker ones taking the hits. I didn't know any of this. I have learned a lot in the last 7 months. I didn't know nothing about which religion is religion, I didn't get involved in politics to much. I didn't fit it anywhere because we label everything. For example Democrats and Republican's. The Red and the  Blue's. I liked some of what side had and some of what the other side had. Each side giveth and each side taketh. More labels more choices. More colors, more classes. I don't want to see any Nation hurt. We have Religion every where and for Centuries people have gone to war over God. God and land. Killing each other off. Fighting for something that doesn't belong to anyone. Any one culture. In the old day's of Kings this was going on then too. Just a lil different, but the people were taxed back then too. Back then people had family and land. It got slowly taken away for taxes and others going to another country and taking it from them. Back then it was sword's and gun powder and poison that we used to kill each other off. Including fire and rocks. People went to battle close up.  We fought with our bodies, we fought with our fist and lives. We destroyed our planet back then but in a different way. Our weapons were taking away from each other not so much our land that grows our food and provides water. Our animals, our animals that provided cheese and milk and meat to feed us and feed our children and for awhile things grew. We learned to share our resources. We taxed the crap out of each country for everything. Each country has a big debt to pay to each other and quite frankly not a lot of resources left to pay each other off. So now each country is in panic. Especially our own that started very basic with a constitution. It was a very good start to something that could help people. It was a good start.

Not anymore. We have become more separated in our own Nation with all these different labels and classes. We are under more stress. We have less land, less animals, less food. All the while we keep making more stuff and more technology. All these standards on our food and medicine that 20 to 30 years ago would of never been approved. We are getting sicker and sicker. We are getting weaker and weaker. Their are three essential things needed to sustain a life. It is our food, water and medicine. Lets face it our bodies are sick.  We are turning the human race into computers. Look at McDonald's, the computers to input and pay for your food. They invested in that because dealing with us humans and paying for the benefits has out weighed our race. The human race. We are eating more and more processed food. Excepting less and less nutrition. We strive to get it other ways the quick fix method. We are all busy just trying to stay ahead of the storm. Most of us are one pay check from losing that roof over your head. What makes you think something won't happen to you? A lot of stress in each day you wake up. Hoping something doesn't go wrong today, this month, this week. I guarantee you it's not to far away. We are so stressed that families don't get along. They can't stand to be around each other. We are all so tired and angry and we don' even know why. We look at other states and nations. Everyone's food supply is getting smaller and smaller. We drink our water out of bottles that we pay for in so many way's. Not just at that cash register but to dispose of it. It creates more garbage for water that should be clean in the first place and free. Out here their are no drinking fountains, no bathroom's to use. Their are more and more people out here, who just want to use a bathroom and they have to get a code or pay. They have to be approved to use a bathroom. A homeless person carries everything with them. Out here where I live their are four season's. I don't always have the option to be warm and dry. These are things people take for granted everyday. So do you see how we create our own garbage right down the line? It is a trickle down effect. Every time we create new technology with a different brand name old technology gadgets get thrown away and replaced with the same garbage over and over. To sale you something to make your stressed out life easier.  We are building more and more places for people to live and we have enough empty places to get the homeless off the street. Where do you think that old construction garbage goes? Every time we build something new, anew home anew structure, we are throwing the old garbage away and creating new garbage to build it. All the while we are taking more land from our ancestors, each other and our animals. The human race is slowly eroding away. All to buy and sale something. Even all these gift cards that you can only use at one particular store. Some have more charges and stipulations and fees. Some have limits on what you can get. Not only are we getting charged for this, where do you think our garbage goes for all those cards? Being homeless, when someone gives me a gift card to a certain store with certain stipulations, you are choosing for me where I am going to have to go to get a cup of coffee for example. Then it may not be close enough to walk so I have to get a bus ticket. I only get three a week. So I'm going to need that ticket to get to some appointment with the state. When I use this ticket, I get another piece of paper that I have to keep track of in all these pockets. I try my best not to lose it. That piece of paper gives you two hours to get into your appointment with some State affiliate trying to get through this Maze of rejections everyday. No you don't fit within our guidelines. Usually when you sit in these offices, it takes more that two hours and I had better have another ticket. So using a ticket to get that cup of coffee somewhere to far to go limits me. The intention is good, but when you give me something that doesn't give me freedom to use to eat or use as a place inside out of the rain for a night. You are deciding my destiny for me. So until you walk through it. Don't judge any of these homeless people. You never know how much work someone really does just to eat something or be warm. You cannot make decisions about someone else from one conversation. I want to know why we are even going through this in the first place? It should of never got this bad for anyone.

I have learned that the Gov't will do anything to not hand people their money once they are in control of it. They keep creating stipulations and parameters that eventually phase you down to nothing. Just trying to get through to a State official or DSHS office uses so many minutes on your phone just to get anywhere. So think about it this way you have or was govern somehow a phone with 250 minutes on it. BTW you have to belong to a different state program to get one of these. You spend so long on hold and being directed here and there as the minutes on another service through the state pays for. Another dead end. I just tried calling again for something simple, now I have to have a pin number. Out here I have had my cell phone stolen. I didn't use it as a phone. I had a finished poem in it that I posted at the beginning of this. It had my pass codes to my employment sites. My web site address for all these different places I have applied to either look at or read or try to get somewhere in this gauntlet of download information. In the state system it is such a maze and when you do get a hold of one of your reps in these programs they have moved on or transferred. So my time ticks away here in this Homeless boot camp life I live. I stay by day in a woman's day shelter. Imagine that I'm 47 years old. I have opened a few business in my time. I just went to high school and beauty school in the 12th grade. So I could be up and out of my house ASAP. My home and my stuff living with my tyrant of a mother was always on the line depending on her vindictive behavior. Yes I had a mother that wanted such control of my life that every time I tried to step up she would come in behind the scenes and try to destroy me. So every time I tried to do things the right way as peacefully as possible without hurting anyone, my mother made me pay. If she couldn't have all of me in her cesspool of spite and contempt for her children standing in the way of love in her life, She hurt the ones closest. So everyday I picked my battles. I learned how to dance that way. I guess you could say. It wasn't until 7 months ago that I was in a schizophrenic woman's house for the night. It was my fourth night homeless and I had to go wherever my feet led. I was learning to read things in other people's lives by sitting in four different homes, four different environment's I learned a lot about who I am, by learning to see myself in others. I thought I was there to learn something about their lives. By my family teaching me this way I got hands on training you might say. I had to have trust in my family that no matter what on this journey, that I would always be safe. That no harm would come to me. Looking back in those houses and my friends lives I learned just how they are my family after all and how we all connect. Not by our family we were born in, but family up there. I learned why I am out here. Looking back at that fourth house that I spent the night and read that my mother was a schizophrenic. When I walked in the door there was a woman sleeping in a chair, she had very light blond wispy shiny hair. She wasn't very big. She had two cats at her feet they were white. She slept curled up in a chair. She had a twin bed in her living room set up a certain way. The bedding was white if I remember right. She had a white oleander flower in a pot at the food of the bed. It's funny I had been thinking about white oleander flowers for awhile now. They were pretty and high maintenance fragrant and I liked the shape and how just a couple lil firm  flowers sat atop long green stems. There on the head of the bed was a mirror frame with the shape of four window pains. Their was moldy coffee in the coffee pot. Like she had been waiting for someone for awhile. Their were many other intricacies I noticed in that house. I walked in to a all blue room. with a crooked sink hung on the wall. A frame shell box sat on the floor. You know a box with no walls, just the frame. I have seen two  on this journey. Part of my journey was to spend time with a schizophrenic so I could participate and learn from. So I could learn to see what they see. Part of this journey of being a participant in this life, I have to live it. I have to live in it. I have to learn to see what is going on inside people and out. Lets face it you can't help someone until you have been there yourself. I understood that from the beginning. I thought it was just something to do with my own miserable lil family. I thought it was just one thing, one thing that I agreed to look crazy to figure out the crazy stuff in my families life. My story keeps growing and going so much deeper in so many ways.
This voice this feeling inside my heart isn't an auditory voice, it's a feeling an emotion inside me. They show me pictures of my life by taking off my shoes and putting on theirs. I didn't know it was going to go on this long. I thought a week maybe, then I could go back to my life again. As they take me back in their worm hole they walk me through mine by showing me answers to questions I didn't even know I could ask let alone existed. Hell for the longest time I didn't even know I could  ask questions. Sometimes when they answer it's like a loud whisper that no one else can here like me. Like when you blow a dog whistle and at certain octaves only the dogs can here it. Sometimes they have me walk somewhere to here a conversation like it was just meant for me. At times that conversation can lead to a name or a book or a website to look something up. I have been led along. Guided you might say. At times I hear words whispered that I didn't even know what they meant. But everywhere I went their was a story or a word to look up. It was a direction for them to point me to. Funny thing everywhere I look it exist, just what they have already shown me or made me feel the emotions of what I go through or hear. As I speak if this scares you to much and you want to sit in the parameters of whatever rule or law that keeps you safe and naïve. Remember what you don't know can't hurt you right? Wrong. How can you know if something is holding you back, holding you down, if you don't look outside the box? How do you know what my journey was really about if you can't even read the words? Then ask yourself how would you feel if this was happening to you what it was like to walk through it? Alone everyday I walk. I walk in the rain the snow, the heat the cold. I have learned that the cars we choose to drive represents our animal in us. Well it used to be that way. Now a lot of people don't have cars. We can't afford them or our fines have gotten rid of that option for a lil while longer. It's okay. I'm not complaining. This is just my observation.
I was reading on my face book and one of the post talked about the scent of leather and the perfume new car smell. Then it hit me, that is why men and now women name their cars usually women. If we had a horse a mule or whatever animal we used to carry our things or we rode on, they had a Hyde and they had a scent. Then I thought a lil further, how our rides have changed, but our animals inside us have not. You see we are all connected. Our people, our human race, mostly we are meat eaters and some plant eaters, we share that DNA with our mammals and fish. So their we have two races at risk. No food, no water, no medicine, no animals and the human race just slowly dwindles away. We get replaced by all this garbage and technology, we get put in parameters and food chains, we are told if we break the laws, that have gotten so ridiculous that Jeb Bush is right, it's not about the people. The heart, the top of the food chain. Us the adult's, as parents ourselves, as brothers and sisters and sons and daughters that was what the most important thing they have shown me. That is why I am putting my life on the line like this. So if I can make one person understand just why my family showed me what they showed me and put on their shoes through the generations going back to Adam and Eve, I had to look up that story. I never read the bible except in the fourth grade. I read revelations the part when the four horsemen hit this planet. It scared me so much I threw that Bible. It scared me. I said no. That will never happen, that is not my God and my God is loving. He's not that mean. He can't be that scary. He can't be that bad. Over the years I went to church's all sorts and they all had one thing in common, Ego. Man is more than woman and woman is less than. That is bullshit I want you to know. The other part is the guidelines and parameters the rules in each sect or religion that said you have to follow this set of rules and do this and that to be close to God. You have to follow these guidelines. So put your time in and your energy and you do your best to follow these exhausting rules and then our lives are slowly dwindling away. Some sects and religions tell you you can't find answers any other way except by this set of rules. If you look outside of that book for answers it is sin. We are wrong we are unworthy. We are sinners and we are going to hell. Eternal hell fire. So I never had an issue with other peoples ideas of sin. I always said and I still believe that the rules of the religion work for you and your are happy and others around you, because if your truly happy we spread happiness and love when we are whole right? In order to be whole we have balance, Take for example a man and a woman in a relationship. Together the two are 100 percent. At times it's 70/30 60/40. Your relationship makes you happy and complete because you can depend on each other 100 percent. Balance is not a straight line. Life is not a straight line, and neither is each person's journey to finding the answers for eternal happiness and peace. In that peace is harmony.

What if I have learned that this life and our future connects to this planet. Think about it. Do you really want to live a life where someone else puts a price on your head through rules and monetary gain? That is what is happening. We pay out money for all this insurance, and we use it it goes up. Our insurance is supposed to be an investment in our future not our debt. We have insurance for every thing. We have insurance for our plots, our debts, our homes, our cars and it all has a loop hole to take your money if you don't follow these rules and live in these guidelines. I am telling you this because no matter what we do in this life now it's all about the dollar. We have turned into sheep and we are accepting the poison in our food and medicine from our insurance. Did you know other countries wont take our food? Every time we go to any table anywhere we come back with less and less. So does this planet that feeds us. On top of that food water and medicine we need to sustain life. We need that sun. It supplies heat and flowers and oxygen. It feeds our food and our bodies nutrients. Why our we investing so much money into living somewhere else? What if we can stop? I know it's just a pipe dream. What if we forgave all of each others national debt and started to share our resources and stop charging for it? What if we had money and bartering in the system again? When this started I said something crazy like 7 things come together. Their were so many 7's I saw and still see. Those 7's are slipping away as each day goes on. I didn't know anything about the star's planet or geography when this started. My family showed me that I have been describing the rapture. I didn't even know when I got on line that I could scream for a rock. Part of not wanting to be judged for just loving God and trusting that he knew me inside, it prevented me from knowing what is in all those big books. So I wasn't afraid to look outside that box. To step out and find out who I am.

I am a Mother and when this started I followed the shit. The animal shit on the trails. I have no idea what kind of shit it was. If it was a passage way that someone else in this life stepped through before me I felt safe. You couldn't see anyone beside me, but I felt them. In order to start this journey I had to follow the good fertilizer, that was natural and came from the wild. Not us. I learned today, I was following Mother Nature. Well she taught me a lot. So have those legends I see inside me. My sisters some of them are from this time and that. Some are before that even. Some are from Ireland. I even have a Asian little face with a big smile. I follow My sisters, Lakota, Freya one and Freya two, Some Irish woman with a purple aura. I follow my brother here that red head that has been inside me and we have never touched. I follow that Native brother I see in his breech's and Tomahawk, I see my Irish Father. He had a curve to his shoulders too. Now I know what burdens him and my grandfather John carried inside them. I know why I drank, I know why I had my mother and my sister and my children. I know who they are. When I stood on that oil can I heard the word Niece. I thought it meant my brothers daughter that was in my wedding over 26 years ago. I couldn't tell her at the time who my brother was here. Now I think I can. I am representing those mothers. Those sisters. Sisters and Brothers toughen us up in life. Sometimes it hurts them to hurt me. They did not place anyone in my life hurt me or try take me out to really make me suffer like you might think. It was to make me stronger inside and out. A long time ago I was told I am not ready for the truth of that black figure that I saw in my vision. The one that was there with my unborn child. The one who spoke to me before she was born. She is Kiley, she is my light. It was the same day when I walked on a beach and I saw the father of my first born Alex was almost 2 years old sitting on a rock looking out on the ocean. I was annoyed to see him there. I didn't want him to be any part of this. Because I felt like he was taking me down. And he nearly killed me with the name of a woman who was Mary Stone. Next to them was a purple triangle that exploded and turned into a white square. We are a family of four. We are it people. My dysfunctional lil family. I lost my children once. You see I have learned that letting go is the hardest thing to do. I have discovered who had my children when I wasn't around. You have to lose something to know what you are fighting for. Now that I know what this is about. All this chaos and misery all this energy that is slowly eroding my family. My human race. Dammit these are my daughters and my sisters daughters all the way around and upside down. Every last one is mine. Every last Brother, Every last Father is mine. I don't care if there is one  fallen Angel or twelve. I didn't even know there was more than one. I do now! You see I didn't sleep a lot as a child when I lived in Rainier Oregon. At first I knew I was wondering which Oregon this was about. It's about all of them especially the heart. Love and sickness grows in the heart. My family has been purging my body with these emotions. As I clear away the emotions I get stronger. Never judge a book by it's cover or size. Dynamite comes in a small package. In Oregon I always had a Native woman and a Wolfe with children climbing all over him. My family showed me I started marking my territory along time ago. Those that turn our love into evol by feeding off our children by taking love in all shapes and sizes from them instead of giving it. In order to know what love is you have to feel it.  You can't feed healthy love to someone until you experience it yourself. If we don't know and we have a misconception of what love is and we place that on someone else expecting healthy love it will fall apart. We are then taking something from someone to feed ourselves. Love we give to our children and loved ones unconditionally we can't expect it from someone else if they don't even know what it is.

My family told me they were here first and my family is here to stay. Love hurts. That man that raped me he straightened my TM J. Their are a lot of things I have learned in the last 7 months. I'm not trying to be a burden or take something from you. I am telling you the truth and I am not lying. I carry no weapons. Each day I walk alone I am not alone. This is about our future and I didn't know what it meant when I said our nine lives are up. So please try to understand who ever you are what  ever entity I see in a corporation or the other entity. I love those seven seas and all those fishes all that wildlife under the water. My family is out there too. I don't want the seven seas to come together. It really is about that ring of fire, the one I had no idea what I was talking about. Because with each thing I find it symbolizes something else. Something good. I didn't know what represent meant either. I didn't know what it meant when I said Freya the agreement is no one touch's me. Words only that she was my sister, or that their were books to back them up. They are labeled under theology and fiction. Man chose those labels because people feared what they did not know. I promise you I knew nothing about nothing, I just wanted to move on with my life and get off that red rock and step forward. I can't move forward in my life until something happens, I just don't know when or what it is going to be. I wish I knew. That is why all the crazy post and text and words. You see I don't hit send. I do not choose. My family does not me. If anyone try's to kill this messenger because of my words, it is because of your fears not mine. If you have to hide something then you hurt. I will not let anyone hurt me I will fight. I will take a stand. My body is not up for barter anymore it belongs to my family. I trust them, because all I see here is pain and fear. People fear what they do not know by putting labels on me to hide their belief system and secrets. I'm done arguing with different nationalities, religions, cultures for speaking about our children, our future our lives. We are meant to transcend in our hearts through healing. Their is a healing coming on. It's going to hurt, emotions hurt the worst. After whatever is going down I don't know just what the trigger is up there, We were meant to transcend and time travel not with machines but with our family upstairs. I'll keep typing as I figure things out. I am pretty determined to keep up these post. You logged on so thank you for walking through this journey. This is where fate and faith cross paths. Stay tuned.

Before I go any further I think I need to explain something. First of all I do not hate our Government. I love our Government. I just don't like the way it is being ran at this point. In order to help change something either it starts inside us. We are human beings first and for most. We on this planet are the top of the food chain. No food, we die. This synthetic stuff is here for a reason, to help us. To help get us through temporarily. That is why we have all different kinds of science's. Medically here for us and we have science that starts with below the sea right to the center of the earth, and Science has expanded all the way through the planets and the stars. Science helped us to advance, it helps to discover things all around us and in just one plant, rock, human or animal, science pick's it apart inside and out to help us heal and advance into the future. We count on science to live. It is one part of our lives. It is when science has gotten so advanced that it is no longer serving us helping us but hurting us. When something isn't in balance it either adds to much of one thing or it takes it away. Science in a lot of ways in our medicine for example, it is helping us to move forward but the side effects in some of this medicine out way that balance. I looked up the word tolerate the other day. I wondered what exactly is this word tolerate. We use it in our schools and our bodies. I looked it up under various sites. The one common link I found was the meaning as to teach our bodies to tolerate something unpleasant. In the schools we teach a child to tolerate something that is unpleasant about someone else. Really? So I looked back at times in my life when my body didn't tolerate something like a antibiotic that I took twice for two different reasons under two different brand names. Oh let me tell you I was sick for three weeks. To tolerate something taken at it's dosage and I get sick that is a allergy. That made me think we are teaching our children to tolerate something about someone else that is unpleasant? Is that an allergy? No! That is an uneducated judgement that we placed on the value of another person for being a lil different. We aren't teaching our children acceptance of someone else. If they can't accept someone else for being different then it does turn into a allergy to that other class mate they have been taught at home or in the school system then in a sense we just taught our own children to repel another human being for maybe having a limp. Our children were not taught to just let another person be on their own path in this life and accepting that. When you accept something you are open to learning more. Maybe they make friends and they start learning something else about someone else' life. That is hands on training in life, being open to learning from someone else, like their food they eat and how and why. Myself I was a picky eater so I liked my friends who were a lil different than me even if I didn't like the food they served me. I enjoyed being somewhere new and experiencing it. Participating and learning about them and myself. That is how we grow and that is how we pass on the good. When you have hands on experience that you can see, touch and feel something about it is heightening our senses and participating is part of growing. My point in this is that when we label based on our own opinions or what someone else said then we are limiting our potential growth. By feeding our selves we do this a few different ways.

We feed ourselves food or someone else does. When we put something in our bodies to eat for our own health and function in life we need it to be nutritious. Something good that helps us sustain our lives in the most effective manner. When we feed ourselves processed food no matter what we have altered it. It is altered to last longer on the shelf in certain conditions and certain temperatures. We have had to change the dynamic of it's basic nutritional element. We have other additives like to much salt or synthetic colors and other nutrients. It takes away from the full nutritional value. When you add something to our natural food source and we alter it by adding something we are taking away something. It is no longer a 100%.  I'll use broccoli as an example. You pull out of the ground a stalk of broccoli and you eat it raw you are getting 100% of the value that the broccoli added to your body. Even just boiling it depletes the 100% nutritional value adding that hot water maybe made it's nutritional value 70/30. It's still a whole stock of broccoli we altered it and added water so it became about two things water and broccoli. We changed the structure of it and we changed how our bodies process it. No matter what it is 100% whole is the number to be. Because we are all different on the inside and out to be 100% of your potential we all have different pathways to take to get there.

Let's go back a lil further the dirt our food sits in. It is the soil. It is the start to a seed growing in the ground. To grow a seed you need nutritional dirt, light and water. Three basic elements right there. Now ask yourself what if that soil is less than. Not turned right and left to sit in the sun and rain to re fertilize our dirt naturally. That dirt needs time to heal. To get it's nutrients back, if we just keep replanting something over and over again in the same spot over time the nutrients we need in our dirt becomes less than and for example our wheat suffers. Wheat is an essential element that our bodies used to process in a healthy way. It added something good that our bodies needed to sustain life. Being a server I have noticed a pattern in the customers that their bodies are changing getting sicker and sicker. A lot more people are getting sicker from our food. That is we have become allergic to our food over time. We have removed our farm land with machines to process faster and faster to make more. To fill a need for a basic element in life wheat. We have tried to turn what farmland we had into a machine and over time it became less than and more poisons were added to keep up the demand. In our fertilizer and our weed and insect killers. it spreads everywhere it has become so wide spread that poison has the effect of poison all the way around. As poison grows on our planet it has poisoned our bodies and poisoned our minds.

Their are three ways we feel and three ways we heal. Our body has three things that affect our whole well being. If one is affected the other two parts of us will suffer.

Today is 01/24/2016
Today was a bad day. I don't know how much longer I can move forward knowing what I know? I was guided to the documentary on Enoch and I walked out the door and cried. I hurt so bad inside. Some of you might think it is great knowing all the answers to stuff I never knew about before. Not one God Damn thing. Each day I move forward following the clues of my life and just who I am inside. Who I represent. Who my children represent. Who my four fathers my four brothers represent. Why am I the only one to know? I want to go on camera and scream it's me I the Davinci Code daughter. I didn't even know what I was talking about on my crazy face book post 7 months ago. When I wrote something, a dark poem that I didn't remember reciting, about all the injustice and that I'm the sheep, I'm the Lamb, I'm the goat. I'm the ram and I'm not afraid to bleed for you. So many fours I see inside me. I just want them to bring it. Lets get this party started. I'm ready for this Rodeo Ride, I claimed it all back 7 months ago, when I screamed on that native land along I-90, My rock, my bone, my DNA. I took it all back. I screamed get the Fuck off my Rock! Get the fuck off my rock!  All those storms a brewing out there. Is it me? Is it my inner turmoil? My tears? Is it my energy? If it is I don't ever know which way it flows. I swear they like to piss me off and make me cry. At times make me laugh as they pacify me. This family up there is kicking my ass out here to make me stronger. How much longer until this shell cracks? Breaks? Shatters? I just don't know anymore. Today I'm not sure I want to know anymore. These heartbreaking times usually last me two days I discovered. Tomorrow is day two. We will have to see how I weather this storm before I snap?

January 25, 2016

Oh God I just read the last part of my point of doing what I do here. I put it all out there. I have been for awhile now. Today is a hard day. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot. The days I want to scream because I just don't know which way to go anymore. They keep dangling my family in front of me. Then my children. Then this man I didn't even know. Well I guess I did and I didn't even know it or understand what was happening to me. Then my children's father. I begged for his life three times. Once he was down on his knees. With his head on the ground. I'm crying and I'm pleading for his life. I kept saying "NO! No God! He'll get it this time. He will get it. I promise. He will get it this time. Please! No God! My right leg in this vision (that I didn't even know I was having at the time.) had this pressure like something was pushing it forward. I'm holding back. When I came out I was crying with tears streaming down my face. I had two other scenarios of me begging for his life. I couldn't let him go. I didn't care what he did to me. He is the Father of my children and I won't let any harm come to him, no matter what his life is not up for grabs not as long as I have anything to do with it. This is one of those people in my life that I learned the lesson of what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Hold onto that thought. It seems to be a theme in my life.

The other part that keeps popping up is the heart. In so many ways. From the black ones to the bloody red ones.  I was shutting down I was done. This was the last one for me, Michael. I was giving up. I hurt so bad inside and out. I couldn't take this life anymore. The biggest turn off to me was men hitting on me. Lying to me right from the start. I had learned through being single a time or two in my life that men tell you more about who they want to be or used to be but never who they really are. You know what they really are all about. I hate the charming ones. Those ones are the deceiving ones. Well not for me that charm turned me right off. They are liars from the start. Never get a straight answer out of those ones. They are always side stepping to avoid responsibility for pretty much anything in life. Then we have the smarmy ones. The ones who think it's even okay to speak to me the way they do. As if! Talking about my body parts and what they want to do with them. Like I'm just gonna jump on that kind of guy. No respect for me once so ever. Truly not a lot of respect for himself. If you have to resort to that behavior to get laid then maybe it's time to learn some respect. It didn't matter how many which way I have said no to these 13 steppers in my life. These are the ones who are still sick themselves and have no business putting their sick behavior off on me. I'd never lost it with these kind. Just said this is inappropriate to even speak to me this way. Stop now! They never did it was like a challenge a game to them. My life isn't going to be a pawn for anyone else anymore.

I have figured out that a lot of illness starts in our hearts first. You know that time when you feel your heart take a hit and it hurts. Literally! Bang! The impact! When something hurts us no matter what it is. physically or mentally. We take a hit. I have learned that when that happens the pain spreads, throughout our system. We may not even feel it or be aware of it. Usually because we are to busy to stop and do anything about it. Face it we are all to busy and so many people are stressed out. Some of us feel sad and others squash those feelings down. Deal with that heartbreak later when we have time. Pretty soon that memory, that flash of memory hits you every time we stop moving. We push it back down. later I'm to busy. I've got children to feed and a roof to keep over their head.
I don't know how to explain other than to say that hurt turn's into like some kind of poison in our bodies.  When we keep pushing our feelings down they manifest themselves in our bodies. Like the pain spreads we get depressed which is in the mind or our body gets sick in illness or disease. So then we have a broken heart and now something is wrong with one of our organs. Our body reacts to pain from the heart and it impacts each one of us differently. Some it impacts harder than others. Mine was between my shoulder blades, and my migraines.  When I was pregnant it was the lower back deep and my hip sockets. They have shown me each time my heart broke over my life, they have walked me back through every time I took a hit how it hurt me physically in my body.

Remember this too that I kept getting woke up throughout my life something was always waking me up. In my childhood when I lived in Rainier Oregon with my mothers third husband James Broyles we moved every year so I could remember what room and age I was. Looking back when I'd get woke up the beings standing in my room always just watched me they never hurt me. I had forgotten about them. It wasn't until about 8 months ago that I heard the word LaKota coming from the woods behind me. It is like a dog whistle for me. I guess I hear things at a certain pitch. I am partially deaf in my right ear so maybe that has something to do with how I hear words that I never even knew existed. Remember I look stuff up when I have a chance and for those first two months I had no computer or phone. The timing on everything that happened was planned just that way. I guess so I would have to learn to follow my instincts and build trust within myself. You see you can't help someone or find out what this is all about until you put yourself in someone else' shoes. I was never stuck in any religious category so I didn't have fear of sin. When I screamed for my rock 8 months ago on that crazy Facebook post I didn't even know that was in the bible. My daughter my youngest Kiley did because she had been going to church and was a counselor for her peers for the last two years so she knew something was very wrong. If you think for a moment I wish to scare my children you are wrong that is the last thing I want to do ever. In order to understand what all this crazy stuff is all about I had to see and hear what others were saying and doing in order to understand and how I was able to that was acceptance and understanding of why I am going into these places was to meet people in there environment and listen. I do not ask people questions. First of all I don't know what to ask. People just somehow would come to me they would want to tell me their story and I would listen and through listening I could see certain patterns of what these people in these places were feeling and doing and some seeing. A large part of what I learned in all this mental illness and physical pain people were enduring is the differences in the types of schizophrenia and their behaviors. This is a large part of what I was seeing in people in so many different ways. Some days I am angry because no one else has figured this out what is really going on. Just me. It makes me angry that people have so much fear that I want something from them when really all I ever wanted was a conversation. Just some answers to another part of what I see. When I see the people in my life and am shown the people that my family up above me wants me to protect I guess, my hands are tied because of someone else's lies and fears. It is blocking me from answers that I need and it is blocking me from telling someone what this is really all about. I don't want this man to think I ever lied to him because as it turns out I never did and I didn't even know what I was talking about. Now I have answers and I am concerned for the safety of my family (well that is what they tell me upstairs) I can't get him to listen. Truly if this was about my children I would want to know and I would be angry that someone blocked me from knowing what it's really about out of fear. When someone refuses to pass a message along they are making a choice for someone else that is not their choice to make. If my family didn't tell me that this was about my children I'd be pissed. They didn't tell me right away. They walked me into it piece by piece as I put the  clues together. It sucks having the answers for everyone that will help people to heal. People want answers but when the time comes they want to reject it out of fear that they did something wrong. Truth is we did nothing wrong. We did everything right. This life was never about punishment. It was about teaching us to be stronger and having faith in ourselves and my family upstairs. It's hard to have faith when we hurt so bad and we don't understand why. I am just one woman and their is only so much I can do. When I talk about my ex husband it is not about blame it is just what happened. It's about cause and reaction and my feelings. How it affected me. I am angry at times still because I just got the answers not to long ago to something I didn't understand. I still have not gotten to vent my rage about this one. I have not gotten to vent my rage about what happened to my mother, my sister and my brother. The ones who took the pain on so I wouldn't have to. Cause and effect and how we pass that pain on and my family does not understand just yet why? You see I can't find my sister. She always lived in hiding from my Mother and my family because my mothers goal in life was to destroy her to cover up her own pain. So remember it's not just about those sisters upstairs. My trinity I have with those legends I see up above my head. My sister was very sick and she had slipped in a mentally ill mans shit right outside her bathroom door on her way to take a test for nursing school. Her kids were grown and she had a 4.0 and after two years she had to take a test to advance to the next stage and since then she can't she has been bed ridden and sick for 6 months and some doctor put in her chart it was all in her head. So no doctor would look at her. I felt my sister dying alone when this started and for some reason I wanted my mother with my sister. Or me I didn't want her to die alone. When this hits whatever is going to happen I don't know if her body is going to be strong enough. I can't find my sister or my nieces and my new nephew all I know is either Longview, WA. or Seattle somewhere. So I am under stress already. Those women up there keep taking me back to my sister and because of the family riff I can't reach anyone. I just want to know where she is and her family. For my sister and my brother upstairs, I want justice now. I realized I have never had justice for  anything or have I ever asked for it when it came down to myself. As long as my children are safe and my family all the way along this West Coast line. You see somehow I get the burden of waking him up to what this is really all about and I can't find him either. The last time I saw him in his truck he had a woman with him and I couldn't bring myself to have a conversation with him while I had to deal with another woman's fear. I just wanted to lay all my cards on the table and let him know the truth and why things are happening no matter how angry he got with me. I didn't care if he hit me. He does not know how many times I have been punched in the face the last few years in my life that I might be small but I can take it. I don't blame him for his fear and anger but I wanted to be the one to break the news to him. I do not have fantasies about him. Not like he thinks. I'm not sure what they want me to do with him later on or what they want us to do about any of this. Now that I see what I see I'm thinking we just might need those refrigerated food trucks. So people can eat after this goes down. I feel a power outage and a storm. People are going to need food and water and something to keep warm. Hell I didn't even know what twelve fruits of the tree were. I didn't understand the seven baskets that feed people but I understand now. People are going to need to eat. I don't care about myself. I just know that it is about ISIS and that atom bomb and that when that bomb hits the earth because of cause and effect and who I am. I somehow will take a hit. Hell if that guy fixed my TM J what ever impact I take they promised me I will get back up. That is what it means to take the poison on. It is the transference of energy through people places and things. I never asked about myself in the beginning of this. I started screaming I didn't want to know. I have to have faith, because during this they sent my youngest to Los Angeles California and my oldest to Thailand.

When this started I placed beads in a tube. A man, a woman, a ball, 2 cancer beads and other beads and at the end of the tube I plugged it with a elephant bead. Through generations people have used beads as a decoration or money. I wrote her a letter on some web site called collective evolution and I posted a letter under a poem I think about elephants. So I hope and pray those beads represent something. Her first day in Thailand she got to play with the elephants. Truly I want her home by me but their is nothing I can do about it. One day when I was sitting in the park talking to my father and brother I said to my dad I don't trust my Japanese grandmother and German Father in law to get my children home. My father let me know that Greg was going to let me down. I had just accepted that I would follow through on this journey with what they asked of me. Just then my phone chimed and it was Alex texting me that she wanted to go to Thailand. I jumped up from the bench in the park and I started screaming "No F'N way!" No way not this! How can you ask me this? I don't care that they have shown me every car wreck and every time I wasn't there that they were that somehow they have kept my children safe. How can they ask me this? I am only human. I am a mother. All I knew was something was going to happen at the time I didn't know what. I didn't know it was the rapture I was describing. Some one was talking about the book left behind and the movie. I watched a few minutes of it and what I picked up was that the ones that were left behind they didn't understand why? That was the missing element? I understood clearly for some reason. The answer is the ones that are left behind are meant to rebuild the planet the right way. Whoever is left behind will have a clear understanding of how and what we need to do. One morning I was getting coffee and I over heard another woman talking about the pomegranate being Eve's forbidden fruit not a apple after all. I was meeting Michael in a lil while. Michael is my gauge for what goes on around me. I go to him when I have questions about something I overheard or need to know about. Michael always works on my muscles in my spine and adjust my back at these bus stops. Michael helps me get through the pain in my spine as it acts up. Michael sells his plasma to pay for my tobacco. Did you know that even though these plasma places get most of their plasma from homeless people they have what I call a cover up and more red tape by not allowing these people to have a shelter address so they have to go through the hassle of trying to get another address to make a few bucks. I can't do that because before I moved to Kent, WA. my backpack and wallet and migraine meds were stolen. So when I came out here to Kent I literally had to start over with everything. I didn't even have the five dollars to get a new I.D. I didn't even know until the last time I saw my sister over two years ago that after I was born in Renton Washington that I had lived in Kent for a few months. It seemed because of my dads drinking the paychecks away my mother would move us in the middle of the night to avoid having to pay back rent and she did this so we could keep a roof over our heads. I always thought that the house in the Renton Highlands was the first home I'd ever lived in. So imagine my surprise when Kent was the only place that called me back. Believe me when I say I was ready to move on. I had been sleeping in a storage unit at night. I thought I was sleeping on a guitar case of Michael's that I rigged up against a wall up off the ground. Later I found out I was sleeping on a rifle case. Funny thing is that I woke up every morning feeling great. My back didn't hurt except sometimes and my migraines were hardly ever. Mostly it was sinus migraines that I got. Other than that I ran through those trails and I Hiked miles everyday with my purple socks and my lil back pack purse seeing what they wanted me to see.  I am also with Michael because I feel safe. Even though Michael took me down his rabbit hole and it was his monkey I buried that day in the woods. The day my back pack flew off my back. My arms went straight out behind me and it flew off. I ran to a tree and I buried that eye glass case at the base of some tree. When I came back my back pack purse was gone. Before I took off running in the woods I had been walking with Michael's ex wife. The one who is a Gemini and started acting strangely. She is a strong woman who lived in her house for years and years. Vivian was my first sponsor twelve years ago. It was unusual for her to be standing on the roof of her house with a gun beside her screaming and yelling. My first night there after she had gone into the mental hospital which again was highly unusual. I was getting up from the backyard to walk into the house and I heard running up behind me horses and when I turned around their was nothing there. I ran into the house and went into the garage and I discovered where Vivian was sleeping because she was scared of her own house. I made a promise then to figure out what this was all about. My first commitment to many agreements I have made on this journey. It seems I have made many when I came out of my visions. One time I heard Namaste and I had to ask Michael what it meant. I recognized the woman then as a woman I went to before my divorce. I had a conversation with her mother back then. Her Mother told me she had 12 sisters who were placed on the twelve corners on the planet and that they were all healers and empaths. Imagine my surprise when I made a agreement with her daughter? I had to ask what Namaste meant. Later I discovered just one of the twelves I represent. I represent many twelves. They have shown me this. I forgot all about that family and conversation until they took me back.  Now if you want to call my emotions personalities you go right on ahead. Don't you get it all along we are told emotions are wrong especially anger. We are told in religion don't look outside the box for answers. Only from God will you get answers. Take a look people your answers to this life and all that is going wrong is right here. Here in this Washington. That day on the bus when I heard I was half way there when I asked Michael about the fruit Eve ate out of that garden he happens to hand me pomegranate red licorice. He explained it was a Quince. We looked it up and it looked like the pear apples I used to feed my daughters. Imagine that? This was also the weekend my coin showed up in my suitcase because I had not even realized it had been a year since I had a drink. I got stuck in North Bend for three nights again in that storage unit. You see even though I moved away whenever I get asked to go to North Bend if I have the means I go. It takes me 6 hours on a bus to get there but I go. That is part of what I agreed to. If one door opens I go. I always go. They always have more they want me to do or see. Another time I felt a presence around J.C. That would be Jesus Christ for those of you who don't know who he is. I guess even I forgot about him. Michael explained that there was a story about him and Mary Magdalene. Something about her being accused of being a prostitute. Just before this I asked if JC was a virgin? I laughed out loud because you see up there we are all brothers and sisters at one time. We are all from that blood and her bloody tears that all you men thought those were tears just for the men. You forgot about the Mothers didn't you? I knew one thing for certain after my brother who I was seeing now upstairs, my red headed step brother named Keith from when I was 8 years old and that red headed shaman that was standing at the same place at the end of the counter exactly where another man with 7 children all red heads all ADHD with two sets of twins. The one that they showed me again one evening when I was getting in the car only this time he had a purple aura over his head. I thought I was getting soft thinking of him and that was the first time I had ever seen a aura above anyone's head. I knew no brother of mine was a virgin. Especially JC. Come on now do you really think God his Father would put him here on this planet to suffer all the indignities that he suffered when he died on the cross for our sins in that hot sun, and not have him experience love? True Love of a woman? Why do you think he didn't want to die? Later Who the hell would put such a lie in a bible in the first place? The word Pious popped in my head and I didn't even know what that was but it sure seems to fit. The pious ones. The ones who set up a unrealistic standard for everyone to live by that JC was a virgin. My Ass.  It was during that conversation that I asked Michael what was the Davinci Code? You see because I felt the whole time on this journey that my children and his children the one named Kyle why they were protecting these Fathers doors? I felt like I had to have a code to get to my ex when I wanted to have a conversation about what I saw when I begged for his life three times in three different scenario's. The first time I had to stop my leg from kicking the father of my children in the ribs. God wanted him out of the house for three nights and he couldn't eat until Ahmed fed him. I'm still not sure who this Ishmael character is, the one written next to my mirror in the place I called 7th Heaven.  So later when I had the chance I got on utube to a documentary. Imagine my surprise when In Leonardo Davinci paintings there was a woman next to JC. At the table with the twelve disciples. I wondered what was up with my mother and my sister and Michael all being a Leo. Then I find out he may of had a daughter. When I was raped at that truck stop someone called the police and said their was a prostitute on the lot. I worked at that truck stop. I was out there everyday at that pit I sat on that rock for hours right in front of that building. I picked up my checks when they fucked up my paychecks all those months getting a 99 dollar advance from that place and I am far from a prostitute. I have never had a one night stand and I had a relationship with the men I slept with. I am not sexy and I don't dress sexy. I was pretty tired of King County by that time. When I worked there and I called the police it was Snoqualmie PD who showed up and they had to fight for that truck stop that King County wanted to keep in there jurisdiction. The last thing I felt like was the police when all I was there for was a conversation. From me being a real estate agent in the past I also knew and I pointed out to Snoqualmie PD that there is a covenant right where that well is. That TA is not the only ones who have access to that spot. The electric company does and so does the North Bend water company and King County so they couldn't touch me. I did nothing illegal. I still followed the rules then. Not now. I'm done. One night I was out there and I walked out to the road where a black pipe went from that black square to North Bend Way and I could see the black in that pipe. I danced there for hours with my water bottle and black feather. I screamed you let Larry my manager go. you have no hold over his family and he owes you nothing.  Remember that essence I was talking about? It seems we carry the essence from our families upstairs but others carry the essence of the ones downstairs. What you don't know is that when I was at Vivian's I asked who that large dark shadow was in my vision when I was pregnant with Kiley? The face of the man who had been driving me from work to Vivian s house was the dishwasher at that truck stop. The one who was causing all the uproar in the kitchen with Cyndi New, my best friend who was also my neighbor, the one who's paychecks were also messed up and was having to pawn her computer weekly just so she could eat while they jacked her around trying to get her checks like they did me. You see when I started this journey I heard you are being watched. I already knew I was because every time I stepped out of the woods behind Vivian s house coming off from a trail I would see it coming out of a road way and doing a u turn and turning back around. I was not paranoid about this truck but I was aware. When I would sit out during my breaks it would sit in back and watch me. I called it the truck with no name. Because on the back of it it didn't identify what kind of truck it was. It was the same truck parked behind my second job at the yellow house. U see the last time I had gone to work I couldn't see the computer screens or hear what people were saying to me. So i left work and I came to a yellow house and I started screaming I see you. I see you. At the time I didn't know it was the dishwashers house behind my second job and I didn't know it was the black truck following me because it was backed up to the garage.  So when that mans face popped up and I had Vivian's seventeen year old daughter sneaking out at night to take her new black mustang out for a long ride I was upset that I couldn't reach Michael to get her to stop disappearing on me. I had Michael acting strangely and her mother her rock was in a mental institution the last thing I needed was for my friend to come out and me tell her something happened to her daughter. So imagine my surprise after I danced and sang and prayed and chanted to get the fuck off my rock and leave those people alone. I sang and danced a jig and I pointed to that mountain the one with the beard to the East of that truck stop and I said "THAT MAN IS MINE." When I was done and I was walking away I came back to that pipe where I left a black feather and I said give me back my souls. Those are my souls not yours. When I walked away I heard fallen Angel. I heard we are sorry we didn't know he was so deep. I laughed and I said thanks a lot. Now at the time I only knew of one fallen angel. Imagine my surprise when I went in to get a cup of coffee and was told I was 86'd from the restaurant? Seriously? I sat down and ordered a cup of coffee and a cinnamon role. As I was walking out I heard the word agreement again. As I was walking out I could sense this had to do with the assistant managers brother.  She was the one who always called King County. She was the one I gave a note to telling her everything I knew that was going on there. I hadn't caused a scene and all the dancing and stomping my feet on that grate all night long was usually when no one saw me. As I was walking out something popped in my head about a police officer from the Snoqualmie PD that always had the graveyard shift pick the cranberries out for his oatmeal. He was rude and had a long list of special orders that he would just ramble off and then he would just turn away when he was finished. Like I was dismissed he was finished with me. I wanted to make sure I got his order just right so I still had questions. You see policemen and servers go hand in hand. It is a cliché but it is a true cliché. They serve and protect the people and I serve their food. So we are nice to each other. They get crappy shifts and well so did I. I kept hearing that he is playing for the wrong team. I wasn't sure what team they were talking about. At first I thought King County vs. Snq. PD. Even though they both patrolled the Snoqualmie Valley when someone in King County had a case for example a rape that happened to a server after closing at another local restaurant they wouldn't tell the Snq. PD anything. Not even the kind of mask the guy wore. So if the Snq PD pulled someone over with a mask in there car they wouldn't even know if the guy had anything to do with the rape. King County doesn't share information with the local police department that is detrimental to know in order for every one to work together protecting that Snq Valley. Weird Huh? So at the time I wasn't sure what that meant. That night I heard the word Satan. I wasn't sure what that meant. I thought Satan was the fallen Angel. So imagine my surprise when about a month ago someone had me watch Angels and Aliens and stone hedge all that? I couldn't understand why people didn't get how something dark wouldn't plant itself at a native truck stop along I-90? Then I see this and learn that their is more than one Fallen Angel. You see by me going into some of these places you know the nut house the one a King County woman put me in because she didn't like that I had bloody socks. You see if she had let me leave I could of gone to my storage unit and gotten clean ones along with a shower. I was a little busy doing what they needed me to do for a few days. Funny how the whole time I ran through those woods around that truck stop I never got bit up by any of those ants. You know the ones all over behind those gas stations and that motel there. I slept right next to them. I peed on those ant hills and for two months I never got bit. Funny how the only place I got bit was on the bruises from that rape on the outside of both my thighs. Only on those bruises. Funny how the whole time I was in there I had to keep getting up and down to pee and I had to wash only the knots and bruises on my forehead in my migraine spot. I had to wash every bruise and knot and bite with soap and water. Then I had to wipe everything I washed with alcohol pads then I asked for some lotion and Mary my nurse the red head from A.A. she gave me honey lotion. Funny how my ex husband has as a hobby a bee keeper. Honey keeps popping up in this story. I had to do this all day and all evening and no one knew I was doing it. I got the sense they wanted me to cleanse and sanitize these spots on my body. You see that king county rep had no reason to put me in a nut house. you see I was praying in a intersection where I was safe from cars for one voice to hear me God just one and I will step out of the intersection. Two people I worked with showed up and I stepped out. You see the woman who called the police was taking pictures of me praying with my finger in the air and then I would get down on one knee. She told the police I was laying in the intersection. What a liar. She uses me for her entertainment and then lies. I told the policemen that was the point for someone to listen. That I was not suicidal or was I ever in any danger because there was no traffic. So it doesn't make me happy when people put words in my mouth or lies about me for there own personal fears. While I was in that last place the psychiatrist said I think it is awesome you wear feathers in your hair and pray at rocks. So when I came back from court he was surprised that I had to stay. He released me. I am a peaceful person. I am rational. I don't blow my top. I don't hurt anyone or myself. I am not a danger to anyone and I assure you my family has my back. They woke me up for a reason. They wanted me asleep. They didn't want me to see things during my life because they didn't want to trigger me to what it is I see going on now.  The first time I went in I did it for my children to give my two daughters peace of mind. So if anyone thinks that anything I say is a joke think again. Not in a million years would I put my daughters through this hell. Through this pain I see in their eyes. The pain and terror when I got on my Facebook post and I saw the word outcast across my computer screen where the picture of my two daughters used to be, You just think again. I knew I was going to be outcast from my friends and family and I accepted that. I knew I had to look into the lives of other people who were losing it around me. I saw a black square on that cooks line and I knew it didn't belong there. I knew it was foreign out of place. I just didn't know at the time that it had something to do with my children. My blood. The reason I keep moving everyday in this broken system that I see all to clearly just where his flock are going. The flock I wrote about a long time ago when I said I am her for his sheep, his flock. That I am not afraid to bleed for you. I had no idea what I was talking about but now I see all to clearly just who and what all this is about. I bled all over that land. I assure I did and I'm not afraid to say it. I was told in the beginning I can only take what is freely given so I had very few tampons and I peed every where they told me to pee and I bled through those tampons and at times I didn't have any to use. I'm the one who got hit with fist like rocks a coming down on my face. The one my daughter worked on because she wouldn't quit. You see her father who was getting child support from me and was single and a chiropractor plus I heard he had a monthly stipend coming in from family. I wasn't sure if that part was true but she never had enough money to get her through the month while she was in college. Her father would only give her enough for two weeks but the fruit and vegetables would be bad or wouldn't last through the month, so she worked three jobs to make sure she didn't have to keep begging for money for food. The point here is not what was going on between them but it was a trigger that triggered me. You see I went to his office and the door was open and I only enter open doors or doors that I have been invited into. I begged him to please just go in and take her out of there. Take that ball away from her. It's only one day a week. I begged him to tell her that I have this fight. At the time I didn't know what all this was really about but I knew it had something to do with my daughter and she was standing in the den of hell. I wrote her a letter when all this started before I knew what this was really all about I told her I would dance in that rain for her and for two months I did everything they told me to do. Every time I left I marched right back to that land with my back pack on my back and I slept outside and about the last few weeks in a storage unit. They didn't need me out there in the middle of the night anymore. So I ask any of you mothers and fathers wouldn't you agree to look crazy and do whatever they asked for your two daughters lives? What about when someone breaks into your home and they want to harm your daughter or wife wouldn't you say take me? Take me instead? You see I haven't had time to check out my family and who they are until lately. So when I looked up names and tribes and I remembered my Cherokee grandmother standing in my room all dressed in purple from the sixties with a scarf on her head with a purple rosary and a purple book in her hand I thought she was the evil one too. So I rebuked her I sent her away to. I didn't know that my whole life was a journey you might say.  It was time to wake up. She had 12 brothers and sisters and she married a native man from Mexico. He was Navajo. Their last name was Bishop. Those two had 7 children with one set of twins. When this started I knew it had something to do with Kings. I thought it was in my friends name. Kimberly King who screamed my name 3 times at work and over reacted was a blessing after all. That I have a friend who's business was called King and Bunnies. Or that I live in King County or that I opened the gates at King Street Station in Seattle. Those gates looked so familiar. I knew this had something to do with those twin towers and I haven't ever been to New York City. I saw 9 silver bullets and I knew this had a European feel what was happening to me with those red heads. My first love was a twin and I had a twin in my wedding who married a twin. They showed me my twins. They showed me my brothers daughter. Someday I'll tell her who I am. Just not now. I know who those legends are above me. My sisters from another place and time. They showed me who they want and I claimed my family along time ago. I took it all back when I screamed my blood, my bone my rock, my man not yours. My family was here first and my family is here to stay. I'd like that conversation. I don't know if the name Wendy means anything but since I see my brother I don't know if it's the name of his mother or yours. My children s birthday is 1/13/95 and 2/17/97 and mine is 4/1/68. Everything that has happened to me happened in sync. I'm missing my number three are you number three? Who are you? I need to know? I need to know if you know what rodeo ride I told my mother over two years ago when I said follow those reds. Those reds heal. Who are you? I need to know. I know what is happening to his sheep and these people are going to need those trucks. They need to eat.

In my room when I lived in Kelso Washington I used to have a man standing in front of my closet and at times in front of my bedroom door I had a man either in a baseball cap or a cowboy hat. He always had in his hand a piece of wood and a knife he was always whittling a lil piece of wood. Do you know a lil wood whittler? He is the only one I can't identify. Did you know that during the age of the Egyptians that God allowed some of the extra terrestrial's to breed with some of us? He allowed that because they added something good to us. How do you think the pyramids got built? Come on everyone knows their are some kind of ET's all around us. Some don't like the energy here it is to much chaos. You might say we all got a lil black in us. Those shadow figures that people see out of the corner of their eye just want to be acknowledged. Think of it as your shadow. I met a East Indian man in the last place and he told me something about Mars and that at the end of the Quaran it says something about a ET trying to take over our planet. It seems some of these books had an ending. I think that the place where I stuck the staff might be just the place. Funny thing about that ET thing is It was pouring down rain one day and I was under cover in the rain. I found green nail polish and drew a circle on top of a red cooler. My circle was crooked so I drew another circle next to it and then I wanted to make it look like a sun, so I drew 12 rays coming off from it. The next morning when I woke up their was a lil leaf placed right in the center of the two circles. I don't think I knew about the ET thing yet from Marshal. It seemed I was always doing something first without understanding what it meant at the time. I have a feeling of a Cain and Abel feel. I think three things are going to happen all at once or it will be a chain reaction, boom! Boom! Boom! That Atom bomb is what these beings are waiting for to go off. It attracts them here and it has something to do with all these sink holes. Because of cause and effect whatever that ET is they are working in harmony with whatever the fallen Angels are. So the fallen Angel and ET some how are doing the negative cause and effect on our planet. Like our weather system I'm not sure even if they know that by causing the control of the weather on our planet it is causing a gravity pull in people down words. Those chem trail are holding the smog in as they poison us and make us sicker. With the gravity pull I feel it is hurting people and causing physical pain like fibromyalgia for example. Here in this Washington I discovered amongst my classmates a high suicide rate and we have the highest MS here also. Atomic Bomb, ET and Fallen Angels all three will hit probably all at once. Those souls I released I think will come up all at once. I have always had a rainbow of colors on me or I carry them. I have the whole time. When I looked up everywhere including Angels 101 it talked about a rainbow. My moon under my birth sign is pink. My flower is the honey flower. This time around it is not a chalice it is the honey pot. We are going back to nature it seems. I am not a conspiracy theorist at all. I truly have been guided. Someone else and Michael talked about the homeless and how they drop there clothes because they can't carry it. He explained about the rapture and how God just takes people. I thought it would be one at a time kind of thing. After I read the book of Enoch I got a clear understanding of just how that is going to work. I wondered all along how things were going to work out and then it hit me good or bad all at once it will be peoples time.  I remember saying we go dark for two days and nights, I did not really know what that meant. I kept saying circle up no one in this Washington or out. Funny that poison they put on the red and blue seeds is called round up. I wanted my children at the round house in Renton, looking back it is up above Lake Washington on a hill and not right by the West Coast line. That TA truck stop good or bad is where I got my training wheels. So because of the essence or the imprints of what I was doing I believe the day will come that that truck stop is going to call the good, the bad, and the ugly. While I was out there I had people coming up to me wanting me to meet their pets. It was sweet. People kept telling me they were drawn their for some reason they didn't understand and at the time neither did I. Funny North Bend has WeyerHouser and Cadman mine all around it. I don't know if I mentioned it but one time I went back that gold hill I napped on under the sun, the one that after I had went around certain areas cleansing land with that river water and saying the lords prayer and singing This land is my land all the way through. I prayed with my hands on rocks and at the bottom of those strange holes in the gold field, always the Lords prayer. One day after a cleansing I went up to that hill and I had to wash myself off with that river water with the flowers I took around Cadman's mine, I brushed my teeth with it even and painted my toe nails and used the knife that Gary stuck in the ground in front of me, happened to be the night that someone was killed off of Edgewick road. I used it to cut the stickers back all around me, then I laid back and listened and somehow my brother that red headed shaman was talking to me. I did not know at the time he was my brother, I didn't understand how he controlled my internal organs. Somehow on this journey I was fed different colors of food, Red, Green, Yellow and brown, and at times sugar days. I had to accept what people fed me. Lucky for me no onions, mushrooms, or beans. I projectile vomit beans. Growing up I lived on Cream of Wheat, lumpy. My grandmother made it for me, and during my pregnancy with Alex after being gone like 13 14 hour days, the only time he fed me was while I was Pregnant, was Cream of Wheat. In the first place I went after being up all night arguing with these red heads all night I wanted hot cereal and it was cream of wheat day. I got to the kitchen and it was watered down. I was pissed, I told the councilor who releases me from that place about this psychiatrist who my first day I was truthful and I never lied, I explained I take paxil every six day and lately that 6th day had been a crying fest. So bad I couldn't watch a funny show without laughing while tears streamed down my face. My 6th day was coming up. She agreed this is the place to get me off of it. Me and the doctors tried everything over the years to withdraw me, I would go black behind my eyes. I had no visualization inside my head. When we even think about something we automatically visualize it in our minds, but I wasn't depressed even. All I could see was black. The next day this same psychiatrist came in trying to get me to take one of three pills. My choice. I gave her a run down of each and why I was not taking them. I learned that anything out of the norm scares people. I told her it wasn't a auditory voice it is a spirit a feeling that I see inside me through movies in my mind. I did not have the Angels 101 book at the time. I told her she was the one that does not like my words, I do. I like myself and I am fit and I feel great and you are not shutting me off. That as long as it helps someone I will not turn it off. I didn't know I had already withdrew off paxil. I told the councilor that released me that of all places where these people need nutrition, you water it down to save money. The rest of the food was usually cold. Their was a food issue with my oldest Alex when she went to LA. The same place my youngest is at now.

I understand what love hurts mean now. I never believed that love hurts but in a sense it does because when I feel love coming from others around me it hits me and it will make me drop to my knees. When you had the two bouts of cancer and you took those other three under your wing it was because you were supposed too Kyle. Those three young women are your trinity and that Father of those three are your four square. It wasn't to harm you but to make you stronger. You had to walk everyday through the pain honey. You couldn't call in sick. What I am telling you is real I can't make up something I didn't know about in the first place. Truly I never wanted you involved or did I want this discussion. I am not desperate for love and I am truly jaded I do not believe in knights and the whole white horse thing. I never talk about God nor am I religious. He just keeps coming up. The plan this time is that the loved ones we have lost crossed paths this time around. We have two and three and four generations this time who have crossed paths from here to up there. They have shown me after I got to Kent the roots of the trees and the animals I see in them. Our ancestors never left even the spirit animals, we just forgot how to see them. I don't know what is going on in Europe or do I do now but somewhere someplace something very important got left out. I am feeling a take over with the investors and our food. That is the wrong kind of power to have. That power is ego and it is not for the people. It is greed and all these laws and contracts we are dealing with is all just red tape to where there really isn't much of a legal system. Google and Facebook are trackers. These state phones are trackers. Now they want to tag people under the guise of helping us. I think that has something to do with the markings on others triggering me. Trust me when I say I know how much of a burden one feather can be to carry. I am not obsessed with Angels, the tribe we come from that we represent is from way up there. So whoever my family is they did this to us to hide us under the shroud of darkness. I told my daughter that I will not turn off this voice because if it helps just one person it is worth it to me. It is a start. The essence I carry inside me from those up above are not personalities they are just a part of who I am. I don't puke green stuff and my head does not spin around. It is my voice, sometimes my words sometimes theirs. So please I need to have a face to face it is time to wake up and I am still angry that I had to be the one. I used to have a lot of patience for others and right now my temper is flaring. I don't know which way my energy flows or just how it works. I have a job to do and I don't get paid for this one and I really don't care about that. I just want to sneak in under all this God, the fallen Angels and Aliens to discuss this. No one else I don't need to deal with others fear. I have no patience for it. I have been writing about a salmon and that is the one fish I have not caught yet and some day I would like the opportunity to do that. I just don't know if it will be there later on. I also found under astrology something about that too. Our salmon, the tomato's the apples all GMO poisoned. When I said wash the tears away I didn't know that their was going to be a flood. You asked me once what I wanted and I want to live and as far as guiding now that I understand I will do that also whether you are around me or not. I am not going to stop. I have had 8 months to accept who I am. I heard on that oil can around you "Sorry their wasn't enough time." I believe it was time for them to go so those two women can adjust to who they are and it was time for them to go to learn and get to work you might say. It was time for you to go through hell so you know very clearly what it is you are fighting for in this life. You agreed to this before you came back. I don't get how people can understand how JC reincarnated but they don't understand it about themselves. People look for the bad in everything out of fear.  You might want to look on google under indigo children. I just found that two nights ago.

HHHMMMM! Where do I begin again telling you just all that it is and I actually see. Their is so much to tell. I cannot believe the font of information I know. It's incredible how they caught me up. Sometimes I know things I don't even know. Sometimes it's just a passing thought from long ago that somehow pops in my head today. I don't have a lot of time today. Places to go and people to meet. It is actually a pretty nice day today and I really like that. To be outside, walking around and just letting them guide my lil feet to just where they want me to go and what they want me to see I just never know what is in store. This at times get's very old. All these passwords and technology all under the guise of helping you make your life easier. I haven't been able to get on websites to apply for a job because of pass codes and websites I applied to over two years ago. Some days I want to scream my F*n head off. It is amazing the things I know and have learned and I can't get a job because of all this sharing of technology and some stuff out their isn't even correct but such a hassle to fix isn't it. Can't get anyone on the phone. Can't connect customer service without creating a account with a password and all the while they gather more information. We have corporations taking a misdemeanor and treating it like a felony from so long ago.  I had one thing on my record and I can't get a job at labor ready. That is to much power to have. How is anyone to get a new start in life with all this sharing of information and all these pass codes and applications it is all just the wrong font of information to have because someone out there somewhere for a home or work gets to decide my destiny and it pisses me off. We have become a society of to much information and we have lost control of our paths because when someone else decides my path without meeting me they are placing me in a category I don't belong in in the first place. Someone else gets to judge me and we never even met. I see all these categories that people get placed in in society and our laws and all those books telling us what to do and how to do it. It's amazing how all this has even come to pass.

When you are homeless you are always on someone else' timeline. Never your own. You truly lose a lot of choices that you had in life before that you totally took for granted, When this started I got handed like a inch thick of paperwork of information that I had to carry on my back. None of this made any sense at all. WTF! is transitional housing? What are the parameters in each place and what do you have to give up of yourself to get in? How are you going to get back and forth? Is it dark? Are you walking alone? How dangerous is the area you have to walk through? When I first got here I had to meet a van here at this day shelter to drive us to a church every night. Each month is a different church. I walk around and learn new things about these religions and places. I get to look inside each house to see what it is all about. Church of Zion was the worst. Not the religion, just the toilets. Welcome to the land of Zion. If something was to go wrong it did at that place. I hadn't had a migraine like that in a long time. Throwing up in ziploc bags because someone was either in the bathroom or I didn't want to wake my posse up getting up and down trailing around each lady. Nothing like learning the meaning of hurry up and wait. In the morning we get woke up at 5:30. I'm usually awake. Now I got this stuff down. Got wake up, pack up your bed and cot and get it to the trailer. Out here our stuff doesn't stay with us. It is not guaranteed to be there when you return. I kept my phone on my body at all times. It only left me to shower or pee and all people can say is shouldn't of lost that phone. I have a lot of pockets, I don't carry a purse, no way! At times I bring my back pack. Every time I go outside to smoke I have to layer up and down. I layer up everywhere I go. My family has taught me how to survive and they placed me in here for a reason. From the beginning they showed me how to follow trails and the directions of the way a tree grows and the colors. Which mountain each rock and tree faces. That rock wall behind TA in the gold field, what direction it faces. I carried a knife for a few days at the small of my back. Somehow I knew how to weave it through my cloths and how to place the handle. Instincts I guess because no one ever stood beside me. They taught me to have a to go bag with things that are most important to me. Things you don't want to get stolen. A change of panties and a bag of tobacco. My meds and my journals of my emotions on this journey. I have figured out that purple book is not mine it is there's. That they put me through the emotions at that place and this place for a reason. Emotions hurt but love heals. You might think they hurt me but no one did. Like so many of our ancestors before who carried our children on our backs or in a pouch oup front. Even the animals carried their babies close by. Somehow on this journey I have always carried on my body or on my back exactly what I need to get through the day. They might knock me down but they do it for the words. Words hurt sometimes. They knock me down to show me that I always get back up and walk away and that I still stand alone. No matter what I'm going to keep coming back. I don't care if I have all these damn's above my head. I don't give a Fuck! Somehow I will survive and whatever I'm left with or wherever I am that is just where I need to be. One thing I learned standing in the woods when I look at the holes in the ground at that truck stop at all those weird holes and the direction of the trees I don't care what science says. When you add it all up together, Mother Nature made that land just the way it is supposed to be. Their is a damn above that truck stop. Behind the man with the beard in those mountains. I had been up to cadman mine, good or bad there was something they wanted me to see. Their are huge deep holes and that mtn with the man with beard is going to block any damn breaking. Pretty good teaching I would say. That big gold field with the black rock wall facing that mountain with all these higher ground gold mounds. So you see I learned something from my family. I can't find a job, at least not one that is going to cover this outrageous rent and cost of living. What a shame when people judge a book by it's cover and make choices for me they had no right to make in the first place. I learn something new everyday, I aint going back in this life. Only forward, I move full throttle I push through this system that is set up to stress people out and cause all this anxiety and mental illness in people. Did you know in this Washington our soil is so dirty that they don't want our children playing in it? I'm feeling a cleansing coming on and their is nothing I can do to stop it. My patience with this is pissing me off. I think they like to piss me off. The irony is just to much and these ladies I see above me, they have a wicked sense of humor.  A couple months ago when I went back I always walk the land and I don't usually tell anyone I'm in town other than the person who asked me to go. On the mound was a toilet. At the church of Zion toilet issues. This lil blue house of a day center can't handle the amount of women toilets always overflowing. I read maybe a couple weeks ago that North Bend doesn't want to supply water to the Casino. I read them as something dark not good at the time. I did not know at the time just what this was adding up to. I here today that Sh*t is going to hit the fan.

I knew this had something to do with catholic church. I heard they are sorry they meant well. So whatever it is they know something and are not sharing it. Not surprising, but when you hold something back in religion, man is controlling that religion by only telling part of the story. Not God! One of the programs out here is the Catholic Community Church. Man! the stuff that happened with this program, aside from also being spread to thin with employees. You notice when you get on job sites everyone wants a degree in something. They create training now and standards to get these jobs for something that someone can learn on the job. I hate these employment sites they burn up you email and text, most jobs you start to fill out the application only to find out it's a school site. These Gov't phones that now don't even show you a number or a contact for who is sending the text, it just starts the conversation like it's someone you know. Bam! .30 cents gone off my phone for solicitors to sell me something. These phones where you can get 250 minutes for free a month. I'm not in that program, because you can not have a shelter address or you can not share a address with someone else who has lived or lives in your building. More BullShit! Now our Gov't passed that they would release cell numbers to advertisers. If we don't want that we have to go to such and such website to cancel it. No one should ever have to do that. They made a personal choice about my phone and they are ticking away my minutes on these pay as you go phones. You can bet the Gov't again offered a program but they have their hand in the cookie jar with this one. All to buy and sell us something. Usually job help offers, insurance or school all under the guise of help. If I cancel this wonderful service I just re registered my phone with the Gov't again. Another tracker. Thank you good ole' USA for that help but no thanks. What about google taking over programs and constantly asking to track your location or share anything you did that day. Pictures, text, Facebook post. Then you have to reset your phone to get rid of it and download all your info in the cloud or some other tracking location. You can't tell me that they aren't downloading or tracking your phone every time it pops up and blocks me from using my phone. For a corporation to continue punishing you after you break a contract is just wrong.

These Orca cards everyone thinks are so great. Please! Different office and location for each place you got it from. Some people get this Orca card for free, our vets and disabled still pay to get it filled and at times they can get a discount. The vets and disabled barely have enough left over to pay for food. Because now the ones who have a stipend only get like $16.00 a month.  Lets not forget the parameters for this income is constantly changing and these people come back with less and less. Try getting it stolen just after I finally got it along with my phone. Looking up the contact on the internet is a lost cause to much information out there and all the old numbers are not updated on the internet. I got this card here in Kent and my rep transferred again, so every week I had to go to Seattle off somewhere to get it refilled. Every week I showed up for a couple months and it still never got filled. Told to keep coming back. In AA you keep coming back and you work it if your worth it. Out here that is not the case.  You can work this system and do everything they ask, usually keep coming back. The goal for me is to find a job and get the heck to the next step, always and for most. Now that I know something is on my record from 5 years ago that my DUI lawyer from 10 years ago told me two years ago that me shoplifting alcohol, when I had money. Funny thing is I would not steal from anyone before this even a corporation because someone somewhere started it from nothing. Who knows what I was thinking. Apparently not to clearly. I even gave the name Mary. When I heard King County I gave my real name. You get stuck in King County and no one tells you what is going on until well after any missed appointments that you will finally get to see the judge such and such date and time and even then it could be hours later until someone shows up. It is dirty to all get out. They insist on doing all these exams even pap's etc. that you do not need or even want to be touched with. Did you know some jails you use the bathroom out in the open in the middle of the floor even in front of Male Guards. Most women in jail are already traumatized by men and to have to strip in front of them is horrendous. Some jails around here have you packed in a overstuffed small cell and only the guard can come in and flush the toilet. Horrendous! Talk about losing dignity to something so personal for someone. In King County they let you out of jail all hours day and night and usually without a bus ticket. If you don't have a cell phone and if you do you hope they turn it off you have no way to get home. For this to happen to someone the system is putting people in danger. I do not believe people in jail should be catered to don't get me wrong but a lot of people in jail just had a bad wrap in life and truly being a number in the system is so frustrating that I can see why people go back out or start to go out and self medicate. They give up. Anyways I chose Issaquah, the 5 stars of local jails. Don't get me wrong but given the choice for the crime, it is Issaquah. Even the criminals in Issaquah aren't so bad. If you treat someone at face value and they are not a threat their is no reason to judge or mistreat someone. I guess that made this journey easier on me because I choose to treat people with dignity. If they cross my path negatively I have no issue on letting them know the principal of what the issue is. It has usually been principal not personality with me on issues. Out here everyone wants what you have, hands down. Even in the middle class and upper class. It becomes an issue on how they are going to manipulate you to get it. Especially tobacco.

I recently learned that the tobacco in the packs is full of poisons and additives, the ones we role ourselves aren't. I loved that. Rolling is messy and time consuming. At times it goes smoothly at times not so much usually the tubes don't match up right with the filters or it is to dry whatever. It is amazing how many people circle around me when I do this. Doing anything they can to chat me up for a free smoke. Everything out here is a barter, give and take. In the beginning anything I had I freely gave especially if I had backup. I learned the ones who don't give back. I learned it does not matter if I am standing in the expensive shopping district in Seattle someone wants just one smoke. Now that I roll no way. It is time consuming and I hate it. It takes up space and I always have to carry those tubes in a box so they wont get smashed. Always have to carry the machine just in case. I stopped giving them away out in the street and then only to the women in this house. The ones I would say no to. Don't ask me again or this is your last one I'm down to nill and I don't have backup. Nine times out of ten they would. I do not budge anymore. Just to my posse that we cover each other with. Someone always has a issue or some sob story why they have to have it.
 My ex never understood the difference between aggression and assertive. So back then I pretty much stopped talking. No matter what I asked of him or how I asked it was always not ever don't more than once. For example please just read the kids a story before bed so I can have a lil time to turn off. By the end of the day having three business', a husband who was never home and when he was he needed a break. If their was something physical that needed to be done I had to be right beside him and do my share. He never cared what I went through before we got to the physical stage of any project. Especially with babies. They were always on me especially Alex. My lil monkey with wings on her feet. When I parented I always told my children what they needed to do not what I didn't want them to do. Kiley my patient one who hardly cried or raised a fuss. She told me before she was born to pick a date that she will come when I wanted her to. I said no baby girl I can hold out you come when you are ready. Not when I'm ready. I can hold out. I realized that that conversation for her is coming to pass again. Like so many things in my life and people that have come back in my life lately or the names of my classmates. It was those t-zones that were triggering me. That lil ball on the end. So much familiarity in those faces that I know I have seen somewhere else before. I just didn't know it was a different time zone. This one Kiley I knew was an empath and intuitive just recently I recalled a scene when she was four years old. She loved the movie the Matrix. She sat right through that movie. She came up to and did that stand where Keaunu Reeves extended his arms and squatted down and waved his fingers to his opponent to bring it. She did this and when she opened her hands she had I think two double a batteries. I asked her what this was and she said "you know mommy, those people run on batteries."  I looked at her and I said "you are four years old and that is what you got from that movie?' Alex used to call pop tarts hearts. When she said this I always saw a red King of Hearts in my head. Another thing I saw back then when I couldn't take anymore stress. It seemed I was always cleaning up his messes. Literally, I could not trust him to even manage his part of the bargain. So when he dropped the ball I picked it up until I ran myself into the ground keeping up with his cheap behavior. The stuff I fought him on was the exterminator. I had rats in my walls and in the kitchen and garage. I couldn't get him to pay sixteen dollars to take some sheet rock up to the dump three miles up the hill. He set a tarp under Alex's bedroom window the rain caused moisture under the tarp and the rats burrowed under the foundation of the house. He did not understand that when he wanted to borrow or do something cheaply I made up the difference for his low standards on our life with my mind and body. Every time I closed my eyes I could see a fingernail against the bark of a tree being chipped away piece by piece. If I watched Drew Carey a show he watched just to shut down and relax he would criticize me and tell me I should watch something educational. He criticized everything and no matter that I made the curtains and valences by hand, if someone complimented me on the artistic stuff I was doing on my own he would say "oh that, that is no big deal." I prayed to God one day and I forgot about that one that I don't need Love God. Not healthy love anyways, as long as he loves me through my children that is good enough for me." I never had healthy love anyways. All I wanted was to be a mother and work. I liked working on the house, I learned how to dry wall and faux finish the walls. I quilted and sewed. I fed my children out of the garden and I didn't like Gerber. I didn't like how watery it got so if I fed them baby food it was usually the organic stuff. I did soy and turkey dogs and Annie's. That way if we ate out or something not so healthy it wasn't a big deal. I gave them for teething by day catnip. Not real catnip. It calmed them down by 50 percent while teething and then If they were sick or to fussy, you know suffering then they got Motrin, pedia-care or Tylenol. He would criticize  me for Tylenol and he didn't do the work or have a clue. One night I we were sitting in bed, he starts telling me what he wants to do when he retires. " I want to get a RV and hit the road. I replied, "so where do I fit into this and he said "Hmmmph! I never thought about it."  Greg only spoke to me to criticize me and tell me something was wrong with how I did something, or he added a list of more stuff I needed to do for him. he only touched me for sex and even that changed. Every time he touched me I felt violated. It was all about him. I gave him a journal ten years before and I never read it and finally I scanned it only to see I was no where in there or was either one of our children. Nothing not one word. I curled up in a ball for the first time ever and I cried and cried. I never wanted a divorce. Things just got worse and his demands became more, while my family in Othello grew sicker and sicker. I kept getting calls for a road trip from that town and at the time it was just me. It was time to step in and find a home for my Father. The man who really didn't know me and I didn't know him. I prayed to God that as long as I had a roof over my head, my family would always have a home. Not my home. My dad was to sick. It took weeks and hours and hours of being on the phone and lots of road trips to Wenatchee pregnant with Kiley about to deliver in a month or two. he was placed in Wenatchee temporarily until I could find somewhere nice and safe and warm. Someplace like home. That man had water on the brain and basically had Alzheimer. He despised me. Someone said to him don't ever let anyone take control of you. His memory to do anything was maybe 10 minutes. By the time he died alone of lung cancer that the state missed a year ago. That man died hating me. My own father. I didn't care he was safe and not hungry and warm. The family he lived with took good care of him. I also put on my ten year reunion during this too, which the reunion place didn't get the invites out until 2 months before instead of like 8 months before. I called Greg one day crying I asked him "why can't you be here for me?" He said I don't know I just can't. So many times with the car I was in danger of being stranded with our children or pregnant and I drove a old Datsun pickup from the early 70's or late 60's  Put together with bondo and the seat belts didn't work or did the doors barley shut let alone locked. He drove my Toyota Corolla I bought brand new out of high school. he never came to our rescue on time. I now know who was really protecting me and my children at those times. It was truly a miracle nothing to bad ever happened. I always hung my front keys by the front door and they kept disappearing. I had four full sets of keys because they always disappeared. One morning I had a appointment for one of my children and no keys anywhere. When Greg got home I checked his bag and all four sets of keys were there including bills he never mailed off. Those are just some examples. I only remember them because of the answers why have come to me.

I was told by that Gypsy woman who told me their is a curse on my family, she was the one with the mother with twelve sisters. She told me my husband was sabotaging me. That was not any news to me. I never lost it on him not one time. I held it in any emotion I had was not acceptable. Because my mom was crazy he liked to tell me I was. So when I started slipping away becoming paralyzed because somehow Greg always needed me for more work. Like switching accountants every 6 months in two years to have more write offs. I like my first accountant right down the road. Inexpensive knew their stuff and they taught me some to do the books for free. Greg told me I couldn't go to them anymore. We spent well over twelve thousand dollars out of our pockets while he bounced us around. After I borrowed money to file for a divorce, I had to do that because Mary Stone whom my ex hired wanted to work for us for 90 days for free. Which I was against because nothing is ever free. She lied to him and he accepted it. She wanted to own a percentage of our business. I told him no way! I started this and it is not for sale. They kept the bank accounts open for the business and our private accounts and re-opened new ones without my name and illegally removed my name from the business license. I got a stipend to get gas and groceries and pay for anything else. Greg was showing up all the time with his own food and groceries and I discovered he was getting the same grocery amount all to himself and would not share it with me or his children. When I went to the sleep clinic because I know longer slept and I had no addictions. I couldn't fall asleep until after Greg would sneak out of bed to turn the heat off completely in a house in the winter with windows that blew air through them. I had to stay awake until after her fell asleep to turn it back on. Always something. They even changed the locks on the office and tried to get me to sign a spousal stipulation that I would have no access to my office except the front door and waiting area. I had to open this business because my husband went to lunch with a woman that turned out to be a fatal attraction. I found out four months later because her husband had been following me and him. He brought me pictures and told me they were having a affair. I sent my daughters in two different directions and piled his clothes in the front yard with a picture on top. Four months, this was not okay at all. He had a key to a lock that I did not know he had and came in. He said it was some mistake and instead of talking to me he was more worried about what others thought and got on the phone to them. I had to call those people and tell them to meet me in his office in China Town and explain to these people that my husband is not having an affair and I don't want to hear anymore disruptions in my families life. While my husband and boss sat there. For three days his clothes sat out side in a neat pile and I had to clean them up. He wouldn't.  When I filed for divorce I had full custody and would not give Greg partial custody until he got to know his daughters. I handed over 49/51 because I believed that no matter what happened to us every child deserved both parents. He would not work with me on anything. No matter how civil I was, he made everything hard. I still bought all the clothes for them and many times had to keep replacing stuff because nothing ever got returned. If I filed through the State to collect child support, he told me he would always be late. I didn't get anything really in the divorce not the house or business because him and Mary Stone wanted to use his school loans against me. I was to receive half of that debt. Even though I worked 70 to 80 hours a week or I moonlighted as a cocktail server.

I move all day I never stop moving. We get woke up at 5:30 and so many women out here are disabled. They can't carry their own stuff or get their own cots. Let alone drive their cars in the dark. No matter how much my back hurts their is always someone less capable than me who needs help. I now don't even bother with the cot for myself. To heavy and to much work. Plus I have the other women. When I walk in I unload other peoples stuff along with Tracy. We take it in and set up like three women for bed. I just toss a mat on the floor with my blanket. I do plugs, drugs, face mask and sleep. Usually only a few hours for me. Their are no drinking fountains out here and no where to sit. In that day center they have what is called a respite room down stairs. They provide a bottom sheet. Nothing else. You can be in there for up to two hours. The room for the longest time was like ice. So if you want to catch a nap you have to tote your blanket and pillow with you. Always carrying others stuff and I can't go in anywhere without someone less fortunate needing something also. I always had patience for this. Until I discovered that at times with some of the stuff they can carry or get themselves they would not. It was just easier to have me pack four loads of stuff up stairs through the mud and rain outside. I had asked one woman for two nights what mats she wanted for on top of her cot. She always said she didn't care. I'd get her stuff unloaded and mine get my shoes off ready to put my plugs in my ears and write so I can shut down. She looks at me goes these are the wrong mats. I pointed out that this is the third night that I have asked her this question and I reminded her of her answer. She says "well I could just get them myself." I said that is my point. You choose not to. She tried acting all in dignified. I said truth hurts doesn't it? I tossed her her car keys and I said you are on your own. If you cannot communicate with me and keep playing games with me by not telling me what you really want then don't waste my time. She would not stop and this was the night that something about JC kept coming up. She kept spiraling out of control and would not shut up even with my ear plugs in. I told her to stop. Finally I said "Shut up now! Not another word. This is my time now not yours. The only boundary I have set is when I put my ear plugs in leave me alone. I run for myself and people all day long. glad to help, but it was dawning on me that others really just have no respect for any boundaries you set. What ever someone else wants of you is always more important. I love these women and I understand them. People hurt and they are burned out too! So am I.

Sorry I'm bouncing around right now from location to location to computer to computer. I'm going to just keep going their is so much to tell. From the last 8 months to the 47 years before that. So many signs my family has shown me and just how they taught me. Trust me I am never making excuses for anything I have done. Trust me I relived and felt every emotion so far. I have purged and as I purged I healed. I wasn't even thinking about my chakras in the beginning. They are not letting me move forward I guess till this is all out of me. Writing is my outlet. Music is another outlet. When this started I am telling you this white girl can"t dance. I had two left feet. I had no rhythm but I could carry a nasally tune or two. Music does not have to be about God this and God that. Music is about the emotion and the beat. The Rhythm. Before you know it your dancing in your chair. Any way you can move your body in the beginning is good. It keeps the blood pumping those rivers flowing all through those pipes you carry inside. It nutritious to the tree inside you. It feeds your soul. Music feeds your soul. It inspires. it doesn't matter if it's country or heavy metal. What ever your heart desires. If you need angry music to be angry then listen to that angry music. Just place it in your own ears. No one else. it's your moment anyways. your emotion no one else'. That way if you  get through the emotions through music it might help you not take out anger on someone else. It's okay to be angry just be careful where you place it. I'm in to soulful when I write. A beat. Something that drives me inside. If you want to cry. Cry just let it flow. I do. That way the emotion passes and I can get through my day. When this started I could barely move my spine. I started a lil over a year ago rocking deep rocking motions in my sleep. Michael had better be a sleep before me or he was going to feel the motion of that bed. Later someone said I was rocking the planet, I was like yeah right whatever. Then when I think happy thoughts, or get irritated waiting at another crosswalk when it is safe to cross. These lights are set up to make people have to stop and buy stuff in town. They keep us stuck. All about the money, and the food out here no matter what or where their is always trying to sale you something and you don't even know it. Drives me nuts. When Gary that shaman man behind that truck stop that lives in the woods he said "your wagging your tail." I still do that but now when I listen to music even when I just want to shut my eyes my hips are always moving with the beat. I never stop moving. My nick name when I was a baby was worm. I recon I was a wiggly lil thing. With baby gorilla hair that stuck straight up. Yeah someone just called me a wrong number they asked for Wendy of all names. Names names names! My sister used to tease me because she said I had a fine mist of hair all over me. My other nick name was Colt, spidy legs and petite butterfly. Among-st my sister and mother it was lil Bitch. The apple doesn't fall from the tree. I learned how not to be from that woman. Just a name to tear me down in life. Those fucking monkeys just keep popping up everywhere in this story. In so many ways. It is about our monkeys our DNA after all I guess. So many different monkeys now in so many ways. We went from monkeys in the trees to carrying monkeys on our backs.

When this started I knew it happened something to do with our DNA. It might have to do with our new special order a baby from a menu. It might have to do with experimenting to much not only with sheep but with people. It might have to do with the fact that we are now into creating synthetic people. It's okay if you can't have a baby but we have gone to far. Way over the line. We no longer need two human beings only the sperm and ovaries and that can now be done in a test tube. Pretty soon what is inside what makes all of us human beside these organs they can control our behavior and appearance. We lose the connection spiritually with the good essence upstairs that we  all carry inside us. We become robots, tagged and easier to track and control like animals. We will no longer be on top of this food chain. Not if science is used for evil. Science is to help the flock not kill us off.  It could have to do with those nuts you carry between your legs. All this stress the system is creating is causing all this high blood pressure and low sperm count. It weakens our blood flow. They blame the smoking because of the poisons they put in them. They blame the stress they created. It makes a man feel less than if he can't perform and the woman thinks their is something wrong with her. All that stress will lift soon. What about the women who can't have a orgasm. It is so hard for them, they feel frigid like their is something wrong. Lets not forget all the pressure just trying to get pregnant. It really takes the fun out of things. So people go further and further and darker and darker to feel something. Women already feel ashamed in so many ways because of how they were brought up to be ashamed to always be a lady. Blah! Blah! Blah! Sex isn't supposed to be so much work. Sex is supposed to be a healing for each of you. A mutual exchange between two people. Who compromise and figure things out together. Their is good pain in life and bad pain to much of anything is not good. When you orgasm it is a release that flows through your whole body, you loosen up. You get the blood pumping in that power derive both of you together find your rhythm and flow. Some like a lil pain. Like Oh it hurts so good. Some expect things to always be the same robotic. It's not a release if you leave someone unfinished. I'm not talking about the ones still figuring it out. Don't put words in my mouth. When it is mutual for both you have balance together. That is how love grows. You have no fears only desires for each other in that moment in time. When people take and walk away from the table and leave someone else hanging for their own selfish desire then that is not healing that is not balance it takes away. It doesn't matter what you both like in your play time. When their is balance and joy in sex again that love will grow and grow inside you and all around. A orgasm is a whole body experience. Even if it's only just you at times that is okay that is how we learn about ourselves. That is how we learn to heal ourselves without all this possession, guilt and shame. All these stipulations. Now we remember if we are just sleeping around around their isn't any emotion in it. Sex is about the emotion the healing emotion of love. When you do something selfishly just for yourself and you go around and around after awhile you feel empty again and alone. It's okay to be choosy. It's your body. it's not for someone else to make you feel less than or ashamed. It is not a vessel for someone to use and deplete and throw you away. Treat your body nice you feel nice. Let others treat you nice too. Kick back, scream move around, find your rhythm that takes you higher and higher. It's okay if it doesn't happen at the same time, keep practicing it will cum for both of you.

I was shocked and angry when me and my two daughters went shopping for my youngest daughters birthdays. We were in Victoria's Secret and Alex and me were going round and round having fun and Kiley ran away crying. When I found her she was crying. She was confused it seems someone planted it in her head that lingerie was slutty and bad. God I need time with this one. I told her some is for play time between a man and a woman or whatever. I told her lingerie is not slutty, it is pretty it is feminine. It is your secret what you wear under your clothes. you can still be in sweats or leggings or work clothes, but underneath you can be as pretty and as feminine as you want. That is no one else'e business but your own. Just like you can still be sexy, classy and still leave some mystery. You don't have to down grade to attract someone. If you do you need to take a look in the mirror. What you put out there like attracts like. It's your vessel wear it proudly, wear it anyway you like, just don't be offensive to others. Respect yourself and you will get respect. It might take awhile that new you, that is okay play around figure it out. have some fun when you go out. Dress up with flash and flare or bad ass black boots. be who you are just don't scare the neighbors. Don't let others decide your self worth, your value because today their is always someone who wants what you have and others are just spiteful and jealous. That is their issue walk away. Don't let that negativity of others take you down. Just don't take down others as you go up in life. Right now people are so hungry for acceptance and love that they keep sacrificing lil pieces of themselves as you bounce around walking on egg shells trying to keep someone else happy who isn't happy themselves. Be better than that find your inner power. Don't take what God gave you. Don't take the good energy mother nature gave you. Find your inner peace, find your balance, get rid of all that excess baggage, drop it at the door. Most of that baggage is probably someone else' misconception of how you should be in life. Most people are tired and brain washed anyways. Leave their baggage at the door so you can move forward in your true path, not someone else'.  I had just discovered not to much before this that Alex's favorite perfume was the same I wore at her age. Heavenly! I liked that heaven scent. I liked that even though we aren't always together somehow they still pick up lil pieces of me along the way. Funny how somethings just work out in life. Miracles happen everyday and we think it just happens. When you learn to stop and look at all the intricacies in people and what makes them them you realize we aren't so different after all. My daughters always fought. Usually Alex, Kiley was usually really hurt inside. When one hurt the other it tore me apart. I never knew how much I really felt the both of them and how much they impact me. I explained to Kiley you two are so different yet just the same. You each are looking for answers you just have two different approaches to finding it. After that it was nice. I always told them friends are fickle but sisters are forever. These two are soul sisters I see that very clearly. Where one is weak, the other is strong. These children would not be mine if they were weak. These girls are both strong just a lil misguided and bull headed. I don't like people placing their issues and fears on them with negative labels. They both work hard and have their whole life. They love people in each their own way. They both have big hearts and love life, the just do it a lil differently and nothing in my life could ever top these two gifts in my life that that family up there gave me to cherish than my Alexandra LaNae my rock, my lil evergreen tree and my light Kiley Rae. It is amazing how out here I seem to always be doing something that applies to the journey they are on currently. My path this time was the red rock. All three of us seem to be moving in harmony with each life and they don't even know it. They are to afraid of what I am saying before I even open my mouth they have stipulations because of others labels they fear their Mother. I promise after this no one will touch our children. They will have the fear of God in them and I have a purdy good idea with whatever goes down, just who is going to win this fight.

So much to tell, so little time. Out here I am always on someone else' timeline. Can't even have sex no where to do that. Now I have a new compassion for couples or people trying to find somewhere to go to have that release. Don't think that crosses my line with perverts. Not even their is a difference. In the libraries they are set up so their is no where to sit unless you in front of a computer. In Seattle you can't just show your current library card with ID when someone who was told this came back with their information they were told they needed even more documentation. It is a joke. I have discovered nails on top of light post in parks, all so the birds don't bother us. Wow! I have discovered we never let our children just day dream anymore, they don't know how to just go inside themselves to shut down. Always on the go or connected to something. It made me angry when someone criticized how my children shut down and soothed themselves. One was a thumb baby one a binky baby. We are always putting pressure on them to grow up and learn and do things by a certain timeline. Especially if they have to go into daycare at a young age. We are removing things that are imperative to child's inner connection by removing play time and music and art from school. Those are things that teaches a child to go in side themselves to hear or create something with their own hands. Their bodies. We keep them so busy keeping up with the Jones with all these sports. Don't get me wrong but children are on over load always trying to achieve. They achieve more with technology than do learning to do things themselves. Like learning cause and effect by planting a seed, caring for a garden. Taking care of a small pet and learning responsibility for life. Our pets aren't for our children to abuse, but to be a side kick in life. To cherish life, help it learn, help it grow. We don't teach them to learn to build something or fix something. We replace it, with more money and more garbage. When children don't learn in a healthy way to be self sufficient they don't learn confidence and how to go back and fix mistakes. We don't teach them responsibility, we give them things they don't earn because everyone is so stressed out trying to have to parents working to cover this high cost of living that these numbers just don't add up. Plus more taxes, more donations, more money when you get nickled and dimed to donate to school. They tell you to do homework with your child to spend quality time. Why don't you cut back on all this homework and stop teaching them to maintain a score to pass a test. To much homework not enough time. Alex had homework in pre-school. Are you kidding me that is what school is for. Of course as a mother I did the ABC and worked with her on reading at a young age. I learned what she struggled with at a young age and made games, but to mandate homework to a ADHD child. Are you kidding this one didn't play with dolls, she played ball with the boys. To lock her down at times made everyone miserable. To much bad stuff education is outrageous, all this money all this pressure. I like that their is so much more for kids today to be successful at, like snowboarding and skate boarding. These kids that do this give more to society and teach us more in a lot of ways. They took what made them happy, they work outside with their bodies, they learned to workout like anyone in gymnastics. They were dedicated. They had ambition for something they had drive a reason to succeed but we place pressure and labels on education. Society created the demand well our gov't who changed the parameters. Two years ago I had a passing thought. Who really benefits from all these treatment centers, addictions and fines? Who benefits from our take down? I did not know later it would come to pass, that that is what they had me looking for in all those names from my classmates. It kept taking me down through history and it made me connect dots on just who knows who then. From pilots, to other service men Gov't to slaves. Hey I connected the dots all the way down through the entertainment industry and who was really related to who and just how some of these contestant programs really work. That isn't the point the point is I was connecting the dots all the way down. I'm like you cannot tell me some of these families still aren't connected today? I threw it away. I stopped. Those names really didn't matter, truly I don't remember the names of anyone. I think they just wanted me to be aware of how things really worked in different industries in this life. You have to remember I didn't know Navajo's connect with weed and I was using the oil back then, for pain, that CBD oil.  Plus every time I tried to type a text no matter what I typed oil kept popping up on my screen. I have finally connected some of what I see has to do with Geography and all this war. I still get frustrated because I wonder what Greg was thinking not asking our girls to wait to travel until after the war. Their is one that is coming on very soon.  I had to marry a man with a Japanese mother and a German father. I keep getting that my children put the native back in the native. Something about their appearance, I guess. That hint of Asian they have in their features. I always saw my mothers side of the family the Native side as hawks. They all had that bird look to them. The curve of their noses and shapes of the chins and mouths. My family at one point wanted to see how Native we were, but my great grandmother threw away her and her husbands birth certificates. She didn't want her children treated like dogs. I think she and her husband lived in the camps at some point in their lives. I'm not always 100 percent on because those 12 have passed on. I also have another twelve. I have 12 Shunzel's. My best friend had a child with the youngest Joseph and he gave her up for adoption to her step father. Talk about feeling rejected. She was older when this happened and when she went to see him they left sand went out and left her to babysit. The money and resentment got passed from him to the daughter. This one travels and hikes all over alone and on her own. I want her home when this happens. I don't know where she will be. I call her my morning glory, my morning star. If she didn't feel so rejected she wouldn't be putting herself in harms way all the time. She is searching for her broken heart. She feels rejected and empty inside. I haven't seen her since she was lil but when her grandmother told me. It hit me just what was going on in that one and I hadn't even started this reading people yet. Or so I thought. I kept feeling my mother pinned own as a little girl and another young guy who had a problem with drugs. That boy said just a few words and I felt his mother's pain when she sent him to that mountain top to find himself in one of those programs. he is angry and hurt by her. She doesn't know what happened and he won't tell her why he is so angry.

It's so weird all these numbers. All I knew after awhile of being out there was that their was a angel in that book that worked with math and numbers. Another wrote poetry and music. Ariel comes up a lot she works with housing and animals. I don't remember all the names but I felt good and safe doing all that stuff. When I hit that bone with the white rock I realized I changed it to gold dust and I knew gold was a good color. I never thought about the power and energy in water. If it's on this planet it has energy. Any energy that is connected to the planet is good. If you do good with it. I see it working with water rocks and flower petals as good. We make it dark. The perception of this is wrong. Don't ask me I don't know any spells or nothing, but I've gotten pretty good with the rhythm and rhyme of words. Well when it comes to your children you gotta get down and dirty some times. You gotta bring the bitch out. Mothers always protect their babies. We have instincts. We carried those babies inside us, we have that energy that bond. if you stop judging them and putting them down but lift them and explain things to them when they think a little lopsided sometimes that is our jobs and no one else's. You think I don't want my closet back, my black boots, my nice coats. Yeah someday but for now everything I do is for the weather the elements out here. You can dress in nice lil shoes to go to the car but not out here. Everything I wear has somehow shown up. Even the names and colors. I do not choose. I don't even choose what is on T.V. I just hear a lil here and there as I walk through. Some what I hear pisses me off. Like a pharmaceutical company merging with another to be the biggest pharmaceutical company. Really? No one else see's a issue with that? No one sees a issue with how they did a drug bust and a shooting here in this Washington at a homeless parking area? Really I smell set up all the way. We have drug dealing and shootings every where in every walk of life. Gotta get those homeless people out of here. Now their are some places that have laws that it is illegal to be homeless. Seriously? Who created this sh*t in the first place with all this cover up? Have you noticed on TV how policemen are more dressed for combat. One thing I noticed about Kent you call one cop and they all come like a swarm of bees. You don't know how many places I have walked out of and cops come zipping in all around because right behind me something is usually going down. I remember one night I was coming back from the bus station and about two blocks back from the main road at the bottom all the way up the it was coordinated off by cops. I think it is just to coincidental that Kent is hiring more cops at $7000 a month. Timing, homeless, I see a federal take over and I'm not sure our own cops or servicemen are really going to understand at first what is really going to go down. I think it is so ironic about those toilets that keep popping up around me. Walmart! Closures due to plumbing no papers were filed for that. last minute lay offs. You see Walmart had a program going with our State's to hire people for a certain amount of money and a small amount of hours and they kept the limits right with State guidelines. So they can get tax breaks hiring this diverse group of people but they employees could still get benefits from the State that tax payers are paying for. Who really benefits and who really pays for this? If you look at them they have securities and jails already set up. Five of them with more to come. Interesting I might say. It's all about that timing. Walmart opened everywhere? All over. What about some of these grocery closures? If our Gov't does any take over or goes to war, what do you think is going to happen to peoples food? What little we have left? Our own Gov't controlling and rationing food with all these people here now. I see people disappearing out here. these homeless are disappearing. I see population control. Who do you think those tags are really for? What tags are we going to get what markings? Will they be in our bodies or on our toes? Some food for thought. I haven't even finished telling you why I screamed for my rock in the first place? What sign was that. I haven't told you what I saw in those four houses or who that schizophrenic man at that truck stop, who he really represents. I haven't told you what else I buried and what I did with all those apples Kiley gave me. I haven't talked about pheromones. I have other fruit to talk about. So much to learn about that other fruit. What this really is about is our children and their future here. Everything we do from here on out will impact this planet and how our future grandchildren eat.  I have only lived on this West Coast line. Washington, Oregon and California. Six weeks in Mississippi. The things I did, the things I know. Who knows just what I know?  Sometimes I wonder out here stuck in this system, just who I am? Am I just another number? People always try to kill the messenger out of fear.  So be it we will just have to wait and see.

I'll start with what happened to make me scream for that rock. Michael just was not himself. Their was something very wrong. shortly before this looking back, I always made organic fruit drinks with my nutri-bullet. I wasn't eating at work anymore. Sometimes when I tried to have a hamburger I could smell the taint in the meat. Other people were eating it and they were fine. I have learned that I have a unique sense of smell. The smell of something dead gives me a bad migraine and I get sick. Others can't even smell death but looking back at those strange smells and how my body re-acted. One time we went to my favorite local Chinese restaurant. I got broccoli beef. I wanted iron. Michael got in the car with it and I was like OMG! What is that fish smell? Did you order seafood? He had not.  I opened the container and dry heaved I opened the door and dropped to my knees retching. Michael could not smell it at all. He ate it, not me. Back to those fruit drinks. Michael's favorite is when I prepare food for him. Pretty much that is most men's joy in life. Food and having it served.  Michael's favorite thing is those fruit drinks. When I would make them up in the morning and I'd just let him know that his is ready like usual. He started stomping his feet and he had his fist in balls to the side. Just like a child having a temper tantrum. No! I will not drink that? You can't make me? Why do you make me drink this stuff? The anger and animosity was extreme. A six foot one 185 lb. grown man having a temper tantrum. It just got worse. Always when I tried to feed him something. Anger, rage! The only place I could get him to eat was at that truck stop. Michael was working for someone at his dream job. However, on top of my paychecks being messed up, and Michael working all the time and only getting paid here and there was just not good for us. Talk about bad luck and timing. Looking back I understand now. I found out about a month ago that their is a demon in meth. Maybe crack, and all the white rocks that lie. That make you feel energetic and good. Invincible for awhile. Meth opens some doors for some and closes doors for others. After I heard this that explained so much. This is part of my family only letting me see what they want me to see. Protecting me and not letting me no until after I walked through that storm. Sometimes I don't really see what was happening in front of until I write it out or words that I never meant to say just spring from my mouth. You don't know how many times in the last few months I have walked away going what the F was that? Why did I say that? OMG! At Vivian's I think before Michael handed me that eye glass case, we were standing in the yard. Michael slept in the house. I thought maybe he was acting so weird being at his ex-wifes house. I wasn't sure. They kept me pretty busy however. I was crying and I had my fist to the side. I was standing in front of Michael saying "Michael, why can't I move you?"
Michael, what is wrong with you? I could always move you. I start yelling a lil louder "Michael! Why can't I move you? Just then I could see two spirits in Michael. A male and a female. Each looking out to the side away from each other. Then I saw a 10 year old lil boy in a red shirt. That boy did not look happy he had circles under his eyes. This was the first time I had seen such a thing. Michael stood there with his arms crossed just staring at me. Straight face not even blinking. I got no response from him. Nothing! Michael had been wearing his hair a lil longer. I actually kind of liked it. Looking back I realized Michael looked like JC. The picture of the man I got in fourth grade that hung over my bedroom door for the rest of my childhood. So many other strange things happened in fourth grade in my room at night. I kept getting woke up. I would hear my name whispered and I would wake up. So I ran in saw my Facebook with my children's faces gone. With the word outcast. That is when I screamed for my rock. I wanted Mark Driscol. I liked listening to him speak. He was very good at drawing you in and working with this young men to be responsible in this life. He taught them priorities and about families and responsibility. Their was one recording I listened to him speaking about when he started out with his church. I remember hearing something about women, and in my mind I heard SCREECH! Now I've always been able to listen to someone and walk away with the good and leave the bad. That was Mark Driscols downfall unfortunately his attitude that women serve the men and that they are less than. That was truly the only part he had wrong other than that he was good. So I screamed "Where the fuck is my rock!"

I noticed Michael wasn't cooking for his daughter or even being aware if she had eaten. He didn't care if she took off in the middle of the night. Well he did but he was using it as a game to get under my skin because he knew I was stressed out by this. Those games people play with their children just to get their way is not good with me. When I realized my husband had been doing that with my children and he tried it again to use my children as a excuse. For the first time in my life I got angry and I nailed his ass to the wall. I have done everything I could do to let him know, I don't know what it is but their is something about our children. This is about our children. He uses it to make me look crazy. Remember any emotion with this man was bad. Mary Stone taught that man manipulation. Control! Games! I could care less what he does, just don't let my children out of your sight and if they are keep tabs on them. That day in the park when I saw my brother standing inside Michael and my father for the first time. They let me know they have them. My first line of defense with my children are these two. I said I don't trust that Japanese woman and German man to get them home in time? They let me know that Greg will let me down yet again. Then my phone chimed. A text from Alex. Mom! I need you to sign papers to go to Thailand! I jumped up from that bench with my fist in the air screaming "No F'N way. Not that. Not that place. I didn't care that I carried that bead of the elephant or wrote her a letter under some elephant poem. I don't even know if she ever saw it. Truly I have no idea what it said. When Kiley was a baby until about 8 years old she had night terrors. The one my mind keeps going back to is when she was between one and two years old. I was crying because she could not feel me holding her. She could not hear me. It was like I wasn't even there. She extended her right lil arm out screaming MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! NOOOO MOMMMYY! When this started I didn't want my children beside me when this went down. I kept seeing Kiley screaming and my other daughter begging me to just take the pill mom. Don't do this turn it off make it go away. Not now mom. She's screaming for me. I didn't want them near me because I know I would need to focus on whatever is going down. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to see the weird stuff going on around me. My mind needs to be with my family upstairs and whatever they need me to do. I just wanted them with their father. No matter what I do, that man will not let anything happen to his daughters. He has let them to lose and he will find out just who those two represent. No father will let any man near their daughters at this time. If Greg needs help I know my family upstairs will walk him through this storm. I remembered writing something about my scent and Greg's scent. Something about our scents attracting all the good bad and ugly. I wanted Alex at home to work out whatever is going on between her and her father. I had also realized Alex's long term boyfriend was depressed. That ginger head guy. Her first love that broke her heart. It hurt me that I wasn't beside her when I told her this. She called me upset about the way Jake was acting toward her. She told me the things he had been saying to her. I told her to brace herself. This is going to feel like someone punched you in the stomach. She was in Pullman. I was in North Bend. I said honey! He is trying to tell you in so many ways that he wants to break up. You just don't want to hear it. He is young and confused right now. He is young he doesn't know what he wants yet in this life. It is not her fault. I don't agree with how he has treated you in the process. The games, disappearing act. Blowing her off. Not okay. He kept reeling her back in then he would distance himself again. He was depressed. The next guy Alex started to date. Depression. She was spiraling all alone and stressed out trying to work. Carrying a full school load. My ex doesn't understand ADHD children. He wanted me to put her on black cohosh. Which is a naturalistic medicine for depression. I said she is not depressed. She has ADHD and she is just a child. It was Kiley. That is why I wanted her on it. She was just taking all her anger out on that one.  When I would get her from her fathers because at the time he didn't think she needed it. He just wanted her to criss cross apple sauce and everything will be alright. He did not get it. Or did he understand that she was roller coasting up and down from taking it at my house and not at his. She was depressed and would not sleep. He does not get how ADHD children have to have a break to let all their energy out. That to much stress, most from him was causing her to spiral. She punched a wall for the first time in her life. Had to come home and get surgery. She told me it was a blessing in disguise. I made her my dependent so she wouldn't have to bother her father so much. Lighten the load some I guess. I told her Alex I don't how baby girl, but trust me somehow I will feed you. You are in college, you should not have to work for your food. Your father didn't ever have to worry while in college because he had me and for the first year we had his parents help. That man never had to work for his food. He doesn't have a clue. Still doesn't so this faith thing is really hard for me. I never really thought to much about God. He just was. If it wasn't for all this happening to me now. I wouldn't even talk about it. I have no desire to stand on a soap box and talk about God and the big plan. I am just one woman who sees what I see. I cannot do that alone, but I will do my best. I said I would swim in a sea of sharks for four years. Then we go down in a plane. That was eight months ago. I have no idea if I bought anyone more time at this point. I do know if this is true my time clock is ticking down. I was angry one night that they made me sit on that rock for hours. This was not logical and I knew it but I couldn't get off it. Finally I got angry and I left everything there on that rock. I started screaming four years! Four F*N years to spend with our children and grandchildren. That is all we have left. Damn fours anyways! Always popping up.

After Vivian came home which I was happy about until I saw her. Wow! Off the charts up in the air with jovial unrealistic behavior. Katie went to a friends house. I went to the camper and work. Later that night I was lying in bed and Michael said something to me about the number of days he was off meth. I knew I took that eye glass case more than 5 days ago. I knew then that he had me take the heat with his daughter for his odd behavior. Somehow this was my fault. I jumped out of bed and actually I don't even know why he was in that camper because he usually sleeps in the house. He was ignoring me when I said how many days Michael? How many days? How long have you had a problem? Is this why I'm really out here? I had already gone over the books and I couldn't find money missing their just wasn't hardly any coming in. I tapped him with my right hand on the shoulder. I said "I am talking to you, don't ignore me this time Michael! I am not taking the heat with your daughter for this. Michael didn't know about the face I saw when I asked who that shadow was when I was pregnant with Kiley. Michael has never touched me. He didn't call me names. I just knew I was done. He swings around really fast. grabs me by the throat. I went limp and I let him jostle me around. I learned a long time ago from my mother and sister to go limp so my body doesn't take the impact so hard. "Michael said "I want to tear off both of your children's heads and mail them to you in a box. For some reason, I relaxed, gave a lil grin, I nodded my head and I said " I just bet you do." He let go and I have no memory of where he went or if he even went anywhere. I climbed into bed and my whole body shook. It vibrated, that is right. Michael was still in the camper with me. I fell asleep. When I awoke I was fine. Later I remember writing somewhere. Those were not Michael's eyes, I see. That was not Michael's mouth, That was not Michael's teeth I see. As I was writing this they were showing me again just what I was looking at. For some reason. I still had no fear. They didn't show me then what I was really looking at until well after. I had overheard another conversation from another woman who was in this house her name was Lily, my grandmothers name. She said that in Peter I don't have a clue what verse that you start to see things you didn't see before.
Learn something new everyday.

After I left Vivian's to do this journey I had met up with Michael. More like I had to strong arm him to meet me. I needed to do a check in. Michael would not leave Vivian's. I knew what her game plan was with him. It was not good. To much control. Vivian had tried to get Michael about six months before this to move in with her. Michael came home all excited like it was such a great idea. I was like are you nuts? Do you know that ID channel I watch on TV? One of us will end up buried in those woods behind her house and it aint gonna be me. Vivian always has people move in with her and then on short notice if any notice she kicks people out. Her intentions are good, but Vivian can't just let people be. She always has these great ideas how others should live their lives. Plus she is very opinionated. I get a long with Vivian and I love her, she will always have a place in my heart, but to live with Vivian, no way. I wasn't happy being there in the first place but that damn timing thing how things just kept coming. Just in sequence. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Vivian had dated a guy I think a couple years before this and V does not do drugs. She found out the guy was cooking meth in her lil shed. She kicked him out. She told me I went to school with him but she won't give me his name. I don't need it. It does not matter. I don't know if I told you but while I was living in Si View, Vivian came by. She never did this. She see's me outside I had just smoked some indica with CBD for my back. She saw me hurting and that I could hardly move. She comes back with a copper ring belt that she made. She told me to lie on this. I had not done this by the time she got back from her camping trip. So before she came to pick it up, I laid down on it and I fell asleep for four hours and I did not move. When I awoke, I felt fifty percent better. I could move freely. It still hurt but the stabbing pains were lighter. Even though my curvature is coming back in my spine now, someday's I hurt and am so locked up I don't even know it until Michael touches me. I know after he works on me that my spine is going to be on fire, but hey what can I say healing hurts sometimes. Vivian was talking strangely but I just went along. You can't find out what is going on inside someone until you sit and listen and go along like this is just a normal conversation. Growing up I got used to this. It was a couple days later that she went in and the house the owner was trying to keep sold. Plus my checks were still messed up and Michael was hardly getting paid. I paid for my oil from the recreation place and food, rent, phone, insurance. The usual stuff. Money was tight. I did not skimp on food. I had already lost over 35 lbs from taking that African fruit. Mostly I ate steamed vegetables and my fruit drinks. I needed my energy. The oil wasn't to expensive and it lasted longer and was more potent. It took less. I got more for my money this way. When I worked it was sativa and CBD. I needed a clear head. Funny thing is when I smoked this I didn't ever get fuzzy or giddy. My mind was clear. The CBD cuts the THC effect. When I was home I laid on ice and heat packs the whole time. I slept on them. I realize looking back that this helped with my patience with everything going on. No one ever killed anyone on weed.

I digress when I met with Michael he was still the same. He didn't seem surprised by what I saw. Weird I know. His family had a name for this side of Michael. First I had heard of it. I wanted Michael away from Vivian and his daughter. Vivian had told me in the beginning of this that whatever Michael does he is supposed to do it. So Michael is my gauge at times. She also said he had to figure something out by his fiftieth birthday, which is August 17th. I told Michael that boy is ten. He insist he is 12. I'm like 10. I see a strong ten. From their on out all I saw was 10. Strong ten. Michael didn't want to leave V's. He kept insisting he wanted that roof over his head. I could not get through to him. I did say to Michael that that boy is very strong for a 10 year old. The meth is gone now and he is back. He has a lot of pain coursing through his body. He just dropped out of school. So I got my eye on Michael. I see him like once a week. I get my back adjusted.

One time during this, we were at V's a couple months ago. He had just pulled some sh*t and got me stranded in North Bend for three nights again. I was not happy. Remember whatever Michael does he is supposed to do. He went to adjust my back and he heard "take her pain in." He did as he put his arms around me and adjusted me. Then he bends over he can't breathe and he hurt bad. I felt better. I left and headed back to Kent. Later I had to speak to him because he had some papers I needed. I was not happy to speak to him. He ended up in the hospital that evening with a kidney stone. This is how we purge and transfer energy. This is what they were showing me. When he told me he got a kidney stone. I said "good, I hope it hurts." That it did. No fun being a guy passing a kidney stone. Another night Michael was working on my hips in the park. When he finished I walked to a big metal grate that water flowed underneath. Michael was down at the water in the park on his knees dry heaving. I stood above him watching. I stood and I bore down on my body somehow and I could see white sparkles all around me. This is how I learned about transference of energy. Cool huh? People do not realize that everything we do to our bodies has a energy and a spiritual effect. I mean energy spiritually. The more we purge our bodies of pain the clearly we see things.  That third eye that is in so many symbols out there. The one over the pyramid on our dollar bill. I have discovered that their is just one eye above us after all. Maybe it's just a symbolism for around when the pyramids were built. The part everyone knows inside themselves but never really talks about. I think the shadows that we see are the watchers for the E.T. part of this planet. Those are two very different eyes up there, but truth be told they are both a energy source. Look at our planet and how for centuries and centuries way back when. The part that is just on all those special lil programs. We have become such a society of just getting our news from one source and blowing off all the rest. We have rules in society. We watch the news, we got to work and some of us follow different Gods. Those are the rules right? Its safe that way. Thinking inside that box. Do you really think that we have just one source, one energy on this planet? I had to ask Michael, is there a 13th man on a football team. He said no, only 12. I said then why do I feel like their is a invisible player, someone coming up from the behind. Nothing here is just about one thing. It is about everything. I'd have to say on both sides up their we have backup. They all played a part in history. We all played a part right here on this planet. Good, bad, brainwashed it doesn't matter. The part I'm concerned about is right here. This big rock. And both sides up there have back up but they for got about one. JC's father. Been awhile for this one huh? It seems both sides have a bad seed down here. One from Heaven from his lil tribe and the other presence here. Amazing they turn up in one place after all.  Right where everyone least expects it this time. The beauty of this plan hidden underneath all this insanity. Hidden underneath all these shrouds of darkness. Why do you think all these animals and sea life we thought were extinct are starting to surface? Cause and effect all the way around baby! I have discovered something else that will backfire, All this pain they hide us under. Poisoning us from up above and on the ground. All this homelessness. Thinning the herd as people disappear. We all agreed to come back and take the pain on in so many different ways. Mine just happens to be the energy for me and a lil of this and a lil of that. As my body gets pulled down even more. As all these people who hurt physically, all this disease and stress on our bones, The poisons in the medications and pills with hardly any reprieve from pain. We grovel for one lil pill. We grovel for food. The mentally ill, oh their is so much more going on. In my family the migraines and meningitis.  Yup it is affecting all of us in many different ways. These people out here weather drug addicts, OCD, Veterans and disabled. They are the meek this time. It's about all those blue collar workers, all these schizophrenics, who really just see things in another dimension. They are very connected to the energy on this planet. Some with this planet wildlife and the stars up stairs. Some it is the energy they see. The paranoids, see things much darker coming through. They are the scared ones. Some just have a broken heart and took it in the head like my mother. Hers is emotional pain and she will heal. Some have physical pain and are schizophrenics. Covered under all this pain is our spirit animal coming out. By the time this happens these ones who hurt will be ready for the pain, and the relief. BOOM! Yup I figured that out too. That's what happens when you shut your mouth and just go along for the ride. You discover new things. Others like me had to hurt bad enough, like me. I just had to be willing.
One morning I had to go to that pit with a straight razor. I knew what they wanted me to where I stuck that staff in the ground. I just wanted to get it over with. I got this straight razor for Michael for Christmas. It was from China and I was so happy it was a dull razor. I had to put it on my hand and slice it back and forth. It was so dull. I put my bloody hand on that rock where I stuck that staff. I recited the Lords prayer with my right hand in the air. I then went to the end of the staff put my left palm on it and said the Lords prayer. I said "bring it Daddy!" 'Bring it Mommy!" "Lets get this bitch!"

Then I went to the woods. I said grandmother "I thought you said not one more drop of blood?" I took off my gloves, earlier I didn't want to look. Then I went to the woods to write and took off my glove. I said HMMPHH! You didn't say anything about two lines. Then I could see one lil slice connecting the two lines. Trinity! I got stuck there three nights again. Damn bus. I think it was the next day that I put my panties on the end of the stick. My panties were not coming back from my daughters. The one who did my laundry. That girl washed everything. Including a black dress with a white stain on the left thigh. It wasn't my dress. I held on to it I thought that was strange. So she gave me Alex's panties. I wore them. You know that special aura that imprint. I didn't know what I was calling. I didn't know if I was weakening it but I knew it had something to do with my scent.  I took a picture. I posted on my Facebook to that red headed shaman that better be a rocket. I had to bite my tongue I only got it half way out. I wanted to say don't make me hunt you. My children's life is in his hands. I wrote in that poem 8 months ago that I would give up my small intestine. That our bodies represent. I just had to be willing. I thought I was going to get cancer in my intestine. I said okay. Whatever they wanted at the time. I didn't know that that red headed shaman was going to be controlling my insides. I only had to be willing. I had no idea what our bodies represent meant at the time but I do now. That is why those heavy shoulders I see. That is why I could see eagles and Hawks in my family. That is why I see bears in people. Lions and tigers. Gary that homeless man. At times just in the way he sat or carried himself at times he looked like a bear sitting on his ass. Then other times he looked like a gorilla. For awhile I could see rocks in people. Some people had great big rocks others had magical little rocks. I discovered that we all have rocks inside us it grounds us to this planet. Those animals and rocks I see in people are the spirit in us. Those rocks represent this rock and that is how we connect. Those animals are the spirit animals. Some of us look like those cartoon vultures with those droopy eyes. Who knows? I'm short people are usually looking down on me. Even at that counter, I was shorter than those guys.

When I was pregnant with Kiley almost to the end. I was wondering where Alex learned to climb? She climbed up walls. Their was nothing she couldn't get to. Where there was a will there was a way. I realized at that moment, I was jumping up on the counter. I didn't need a ladder, I usually just climbed or jumped up wherever I needed to be. It was then that I learned where she got it. So much for telling her feet on the floor Alex. She was a monkey just like me. We always had Kiley a tagging along. Alex didn't have a root beer belly. No tummy on that one. Kiley did and she loved her root beer belly. She was almost three and we were getting in the shower. I rarely showered alone in those days. heck even the dogs were in the showers in those days. I said "Kiley, you lost your root belly." She freaked, and cried. While Alex and me laughed. Kids!

What other strange stuff did I do? So much to think about here. Did I tell you I had to smoke twelve cigarettes on that oil can. I cheated. Those cuts itched. I was thirsty and I had to pee. Lets not forget hot I was standing in the sun, after all. So I smoked three at a time toward the end.  I had to place 6 on each side in the hole on the top. I think for the next couple of days. I carried a black feather through that truck stop. I think I was out there all day. Doing God knows what it was so long ago,  I didn't ever get back to V's house until like 7 to 8 p.m. at night. I never went hungry. I had also somehow acquired a big dragon fly rattle that I knew I had seen before in that restaurant. Oh my Lord! I went everywhere shaking that rattle. All around that truck stop. Doing what I don't remember. I think I even walked the long way around that truck stop on North Bend Way down Tanner road back to Vivian's. I think I shook that rattle all around for two days. On the third day of my purse being gone, for some reason I went back to the woods where I had lost it. I ran right to it. I had no idea what I was running too. I came to a stop at my purse and it was all laid out. Including my note pad from being a server. My smokes and Migraine medicine. All laid out on the ground beside my purse. I dropped to my knees and I felt so emotional I bawled my eyes and said thank you.  Again I laughed and I cried. I gathered up my purse and stuff and I took that dragon fly and I stuck the tail of it in the ground. I think I said a prayer and pretty much skipped home.

One day I was tired and I just wanted to head back to V's. They wanted me to walk around. I was told when this started that I was walking for this one. Walk I did. I usually wore around this time, jeans and V had some children size wife beaters in a drawer that she happened to buy right before she went in.  They weren't even anyone else' size. Just my size. I always had on a blue sports bra. I didn't know why. Always that blue bra. Someone told me later that some female protester wore it at a protest and when everyone stepped away from her she was laying in the ground with just her blue bra on. To this day I haven't looked it up.  Sometimes I have info overload and I have to turn it off. I digressed again. I wanted to take the short cut through the woods. That did not go over well. Not at all. I get lost, fall on my ass on some underbrush. I got pissed! I started yelling I just want to go home. God dammit you named me sassy and sassy I will be. Well needless to say, I ended up going out to the street again back to that house with the big red kitchen. I loved that kitchen and the name was a name of a classmate. I had already saw him as a Eagle a hawk. It was a good sign. I heard "no shortcuts this time." ' I tried rebelling one other time. Not to long ago. I have no desire for anyone to drug me up. I have discovered that they over drug these schizophrenics. They shut them down to much. They slow them way down. Change their way of thinking because they are misunderstood. No one see's what I see about the other dimensions. We austicize them and make them feel bad about themselves for being psychic and connected to this planet in so many different ways. Hopefully some education can change that someday. Maybe people won't be so afraid all the way around. Anyways, I told them I'm done. Good luck getting me out of this one. I went to the hospital and said check me in. The hospital that admitted me before. I didn't lie  I never lied to any of these guys. I just called it like I saw it at the time. Wouldn't ya know it, I got TV all night and some sleep. I wasn't sleep deprived. Next morning breakfast and hot coffee and a taxi ride back to that lil blue day center in Kent. Assholes! Up stairs. They made their point. Who really is in charge of this vessel. I have accepted and I understand that when I talk about my family upstairs they are not different personalities. They are a part of me. They are just a part of who I am. Even though some days they piss me off. Truth is I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. They have just made me aware. That is all. The ones who have passed on in our lives didn't understand their lives at first and why things happened. When they passed on and they look over us they feel the emotions for their family still. they just needed time to adjust and re-establish who's essence they carried with them while they were here. These one's are no small potato's by any means. I get hit both ways. I feel what others feel. I feel my own pain. I feel their sadness and joy. Just like they are here. They cry. I cry. That is just the way it is. I am okay with this. In the beginning they hit me with everything all at once. I didn't know what was going on. I just know I made a lot of agreements. I just didn't know that every conversation was so truthful and honest. I didn't know it only takes me a few words. Some days out there and even still out here I felt like I was running a race and others they walked me through it. This is my family. My family doesn't F around when it comes to their own. I told Kiley I can hold out. I will, I trust that. right now that's all I got to hold onto. Is that family up there. They sent mine away.  If Faith is all I have to move forward with, then faith it is. I have to have Faith that things will just work out.

02/12/2016
I know you probably want to know what I saw in those four houses. You are probably dying to here the words that that man who raped me said. It was very interesting that in all times in my life that the words exchanged just happened to be about this great big mess. Oh so much to tell and so lil time. Their were so many numbers that kept popping up in this story. Their was a huge sign in those ant hills in the woods to the East of that truck stop. Aside from the number 2, the numbers 17 and 32 also kept popping up.

Some nights I would have to go out to what I'll just call the pit. I had these beige lil shoes that Kiley picked out for me when we were shopping in the store forever 21. They had a lil zipper on the inside with laces and they were lil high tops and those lil shoes fit just great for me. I even screamed up at them one day leave me alone. I'm not wearing those lil red slippers I am going to wear my own shoes today. Not yours but mine. Little did I know that everything about my wardrobe was already picked out for me. It all had a special purpose. The colors, the brands, the coats, the jeans, my sports bras, the color of my t-shirts even all had a part. Everything I carry on me is a sign for something. I have learned that everything on me represents. That was the night I went and sat on the red rock. These shoes were very flat. Like wrestling shoes. Some nights before I went out to do what ever dance or whatever they needed me to do. All my jeans are jeggings. I'd put these shoes on and I'd start adjusting my toes moving them up and down and all around. I'd rotate my ankles to loosen up. Gary was watching me one night and he said I wish I had a camera, I feel like I am watching art. Like your going to a dance. I realized that those shoes felt like ballerina slippers or great fitting moccasins. At the time I didn't realize what I was doing. Not even the stretches I would do to loosen up.

I always carried a flashlight in my sports bra. I'd go out to the pit and I would be pointing North East west and south. I learned to line up the rocks on the ground with the directions I was pointing to. I would point in places in between the North East West and South. Every time I went out there they would show me with the flashlight just where and how everything lines up around that pit. It was weird because along the wall of stickers to the west there were certain places that would go into the stickers like two feet. It wasn't from animals. People would notice if animals slept there as often enough to make those markings. I would stand out there and shine the flashlight in the different directions and I learned how the directions lined up with everything there. The mountains, the business', particularly the gas station. The place where people park those trucks. I'd always work with the flashlight and I moved my hands like a belly dancer. I had no idea I could even move my hands that gracefully. I would always pray. Always that Lords prayer. At times I'd be angry out there. One night I slept with my back against the cement wall by the rock. I couldn't keep my eyes open. It was a deep fatigue and I could hardly move my body it felt like lead. I would just fall asleep for a lil while and I'd get back up and go do whatever lil dance or signal I gave to those upstairs. Then I'd sleep a lil while longer and get back up and do it again. It was like a energy pulling me down. The same deep fatigue I felt when I was pregnant with my children.

I had heard two more. I didn't know what that meant. After awhile I was starting to think whatever was there had two more, because between the dishwasher, and Patty, It seemed I was going to a lot of places and clearing a lot of land. It seemed it would never end. One night the number 17 came up from Gary. His ex would say he was like a seventeen year old kid sometimes. He out of the blue asked me to wear this baby blue t-shirt with I think a eagle or flag and it said number nineteen. I can sassy looking back after another song and dance I did that I felt like a seventeen year old kid. I had energy, I never fell, as I hopped from rock to rock. I felt alive and happy. My daughter was 17 at this time also. What I had figured out later is that I always have two more. Thank God for that because I didn't know how I was going to keep up. How can just me keep up if they always have two more. I didn't know at the time who they were either. The next morning Gary saw me with the t-shirt on and he goes, "Oh God!" Don't tell me that you wore that shirt. It is dirty and disgusting. The t-shirt is washed and I still have it.

Stuff like that always happened to me. I had to do what people asked of me at the time. So I did. The other number that kept popping up was 32. My daughter brought me a pair of panties that were navy blue with 1932 printed on the front. I remember I liked myself at thirty two. I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. Don't think I look in the mirror and say "you are gorgeous." I don't I'm kind of plain looking. I call my profile squanchy. My ex would tell me that 'yeah your not pretty, just cute. My room mate in the old days said to me Colleen he takes you for granted. I'd have to dress up for work. She said you look beautiful and he doesn't even say anything or compliment you. I said I don't need someone to tell me that anyway. I don't need a man to determine how I look. I don't need that justification. Looking back I'm not sure he ever said anything. That kind of stuff makes me uncomfortable anyways. I don't like it. I don't like to stand out. I always go walking around my home base. get a feel for the place and just what is around me. Just a little ways up the hill was a white cross with the name Dale Shepard. He died on his birthday at 32 years old. I think my mothers sister was born in 1932. The one who had bad arthritis. Her name was Foye Doris. She went by Doris or as my grandpa called her hoogie. That poor woman with a limp was called hoogie. As she got older her gray hair was disappearing and it was coming in curly. When this started my roots were about 1 inch of black and white. With a reddish brown in the middle and black ends. In two weeks time my hair went from just below my collar bone to the center of my lower back and it was curly. Now it is all natural from no hair dye and the sun. That essence from my family you might say. I assure you she knows just what is up up there and that woman suffered and so did my mother and her children. Her husbands last name was Chambers. My family will not sit in that chamber anymore I assure you. Good or bad everyone had a role to play. Their was a reason. They just didn't understand at the time.  I asked Michael a little while ago when this JC character kept popping up. I asked how old was JC when he died? Michael said thirty two or thirty three. There is some debate no one knows for sure. I'm pretty sure I know. JC was 32 years old. Pretty young huh? He had a short life. When I was younger I thought by the time I was thirty I would have all the answers. Truly at thirty two their is so much more to know. We change so much from twenty to thirty and thirty to forty. I'm almost 50.

On the number two subject they have pointed out to me that I have a twin. Right down the highway from that truck stop in Lewis and Clarkston. His Name is Darren Scott and we were both born on the same day. We have two April Fool's babies in this family. They have pointed out to me that right here in this messed up lil family I have a twin. One day I was walking to the weed store in Issaquah. It was on Juniper Street. The name of the street my Grandmother lived on for like 50 years. My fathers Mother. I met a young man on this outing he asked me for a smoke. He looked just like my ex brother in law. My sisters ex-husband. Cody something he had the same last name as someone else I knew. He worked construction and he was homeless and he lived under a bridge in Seattle somewhere. We got to talking and he said two jokers and a diamond. Who knew? I thought that was odd for him to say that because I never told him about my cousin down the highway.  On this note his father, my mothers brother is Neil after his father and we called him Sam. Now my Uncle Sam has diabetes and it causes nerve pain in his feet and he can barely walk. I can't wait to tell him, that all that pain is his talons coming to surface. I don't know if it is spiritually or physically. Everything our body goes through has a spiritual effect on us. My mother always hated her feet being touched and so did I. It bothered me and there is a spot on my right foot that if you press on it it will drop me to the floor. It's the same on the left, but mostly the right. For years I had a spot that itched at the bottom of my right foot and their was never anything there. I tried everything to get rid of that deep itch that I just could not seem to reach. Later it started on top of my foot as well. After a couple years of this pain in the foot dilemma. Finally a little pin prick appeared on the top and the bottom. Just a little bump. Finally it stopped itching and bothering me. When I started to visit with Gary a bit more. He had a knot on the bottom of his right foot. Where my spot was. It bothered him too. I can't make up this twin thing. I have discovered that this time around those rules don't apply. All that being born in the same womb and all.

After I saw those two spirits in Michael they were pointing out the Lakota and Dakota's to me. Just who was what. Apparently I was practicing some of the traditions of that tribe. They had it right, family, land, pride and God. Saying a thank you and respecting Mother Earth. Until white man came along and introduced Christianity with all the rules you need to follow to be closer to God. Society took something so simple and made it complicated. It doesn't matter today what tribe you represent, we all started from somewhere once upon a time. Remember up there we are all their children. Every last one.  Every where I went I could see the Lakota and Dakota in people. I knew instinctively who each person was. I could even see who was related to who long ago and who they are today. Why certain people live together or hang out together.

I was born in downtown Renton and the hospital was replaced with a K-mart. The children born at that hospital were called blue light special babies.  My doctors name was Dr. Pettibone of all names. I have a story about the bones and what happened to me right before all this started. Talk about passing bones and feeling everything. I also lived in Fall City then. So much happened to me in Fall City. The time Michael and me house sat for people on Lake Alice and we were so sick. For the first time I couldn't even wake up enough to answer the phone when my work called. I was so weak I could barely move and so was Michael. I also during this journey met a man named Dominique. He had bites all up and down his body. When I met him I heard Leper. He somehow was associated with the bloody knife I saw in my dream.

Lets talk about those ants. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I worked in Bellevue at a Architect firm and on the North side of the I-90 I counted every morning nine ant hills.  Odd thing but I saw them every time I passed by.  To the East of that truck stop in the woods behind that hotel and Warrior number two. Which was owned by East Indian men, and the Gull station. You can say going into those woods was like stepping into Narnia. Nothing dizzying or anything. Just so much happened back there.  Their are these huge ant hills everywhere. All over the place. Gary would set out orange crackers in the wrapper. I thought the wrapper was opened because the ant's migrated to it. I never got bit. One day they had me go through the woods behind edge-wick in. They kept showing me 1 tree sitting in a circle of trees. Then they would show me two trees sitting in a circle of trees, and so on and so on. Around most of these trees were these big ant hills. Once I had to go through stickers to pee on a ant hill by a tree. I never got bit.  On a walking path behind there it goes right up to Cadmans mine and to the left was this huge ant hill. I would throw my bloody panty liners on it. At times I'd pee around it. In the past place I went into their was a schizophrenic woman who came in and her name was Carleen. Carleen was off the charts. I woke up one night with her standing over me in bed. She had come into my room and when I was in the shower she took a feather I wore in my hair and my hair pretty. I call hair bands hair pretties. I went to staff the next day. I had it with no one watching her. It wasn't just my room but a couple other people that have a role in this. It was just us. Mostly me. The first day she came in she brought me a picture of two lion cubs and sets it on the floor in front of me and she said they are still there. I knew she was talking about my daughters. I knew Carleen was going to share more. She brought me a couple other pictures. I don't remember now but they had a meaning to what was going on. I would wake up earlier than most people and I would walk the halls up and down to get some exercise. They placed Carleen in a room that you had to walk through another room to get to her room and it had a window so the front desk could see her sneaking in and out. If I walked in the hallway with just my socks she could not sleep because she could hear my footsteps. I understood another intuitive person that says off that wall things that makes no sense to anyone else but I understood. One morning she was at her bedroom door on the floor killing something that wasn't there. I asked her what she was doing and she said killing theses ants. I have been thinking about her lately. Today on the bus I was coming back from an interview and she walks on. I went to where she sat and she was like I knew I'd see you again. She had just gotten out of the hospital again and was catching a bus ride home. She started to cry and so did I. My heart broke. She doesn't have a phone but she gave me her address. I gave her my number here to the guest phone.  Don't forget I drew in green nail polish a circle, but by the time I was done it looked like a big green ant with twelve legs. I didn't connect the ant thing yet. That was the day I was catching rain drops that dropped through the tarp in a empty flashlight.

My favorite thing besides listening to a man scream like a girl is irony. I love irony in my humor and irony in life. The first time I went to Hawaii I was about 15 years old. I went with someone who was once my best friend. Funny thing their was a big to do over Wendy's restaurant. When I came back I had lost 10 lbs and had toned up from swimming and I liked to swim out and go under the water and I would go lose and let the current flop me all around and I'd come flopping up on the beach. I didn't eat a lot because I didn't care for warm pineapple on everything. I was tan but I couldn't stay awake. When I went to the doctor he took a blood test like he did every time I went in, but that doctor didn't miss a thing. I had 2% iron in my system. I had the choice of a blood transfusion or iron shots every day for two weeks. My mother didn't interfere when I made choices about my medical. I chose iron shots.

02/13/2016

I had to take a week off in between because quite frankly my lil ass hurt. I couldn't even sit down. I had these huge purple marks on my ass for years. I have almost drowned four times nothing tragic someone always grabbed me and pulled me. When I was in Hawaii I got caught up in the current and I kept going further out no matter how hard I swam. Two guys came out with a board. The last time was on my honey moon it was the toilet bowl in Hawaii. The water rushes in and spins you around. A big Samoan guy blocked the whole where the water and me would of washed out to sea. No one would of noticed not even my husband. He never noticed. That Samoan guy grabbed me from underneath and pulled me back up. Damn toilet bowls anyways. So many toilet bowls I see because shit is about to hit the fan. Sorry people spell check sucks. Even if I add a word the next time I log on I have to spell check again.  Pissing me off I'm about ready to not spell check it slows me down to keep fixing things and then having to go back and fix them again.

When I type I just let the words flow. On my Facebook when I read post that someone else posted to my timeline It inspires me. It's not necessarily about the person just the words. Just the quotes, It triggers me in a good way. I had a friend that I used to hang out with at times. He let me keep shower stuff and my condiments and a back up pair of sneakers for when my feet are wet at his place. My friend has a lot of anxiety, that is okay. I have made it very clear don't place your anxieties and burdens off on me. So he got upset about something I had said to him, instead of communicating he cancels people off of his Facebook with no explanation and turns off his phone. He was angry that I didn't mention him in my post. When I have time I sit and read them and comment but not lately. Remember out here I'm on someone else' timeline not mine. Only two hours on the computer out here. I try not to mention peoples full names in my blog because some people don't want that. He wanted credit and he felt rejected I guess. I have been pretty busy doing this instead of getting on my Facebook so much. What he didn't understand that the stuff he post is credit. It is inspirational. He even got on my Facebook and deleted pictures of me he had posted without even asking. This person gets upset and they cut you off and erases things that weren't his anymore to erase. It is his choice not mine. He showed up here yesterday right before I had two major appointments that were very important and I needed my head in the game yesterday. Men are not allowed here unless they are volunteering or doing a repair. He showed up in the backyard and scared a friend of mine who had been abused by a man. Handed her a bag of my stuff and said that I asked for this back. I was hot. He literally left me holding the bag. So I had to pull all my bags out of the trailer at the church in the rain to sort these lil things out. This is the example of how actions impact someone else. Cause and effect. This is not the first time, but if it has a negative impact on me I don't need that in my life right now. So I had to let him go. I will miss him. I did not have any kind of relationship outside of friendship. When I needed a break from all this chaos I'd sleep fully clothed on the couch. I have guy friends as well as girlfriends. I do not discriminate. It is abusive to just get angry and take it all back like that  and I have had enough people like that in my life.  Especially with love. That is how people emotionally abuse someone. Give Love with strings and pull it all away.  Not for me anymore. Love is unconditional, games are just not my bag anymore.

Being out here I feel like I am in a video game. I go to places and without even knowing it I gather information and I bring it back to people in my writing. They have made it clear their is no going back. My first Facebook post that I had with all the crazy post in the beginning I cannot get onto. One time long ago I tried to read something I had posted and I couldn't get through it. I bawled my eyes out my heart broke. It defiantly shut doors and made things so hard to get them open again. Everywhere I went all I could see in my mind is closed doors. I had to figure out just what the key was to opening them.  I only had two hours then to post at the library. I'd start writing and they would take over. They even gambled with my life literally.  Whatever I wrote is gone. So I started over. I posted stuff under collective evolution under something about farming and five things to connect. It was on August 8th if I remember right. I don't have any idea what I said.

The First House

My friend who I used to work with at that TA truck stop. Oh yes on this note I lost my T and A at T and A and I want it back. I heard I was at my true form. That I am just how I am supposed to be. While I was out there I had no mirrors except the medicine cabinet at my friends house where I would go at times to shower or the pool. I could only see from my shoulders up. I was close friends with my friends husband. ADHD all the way. He vibrates energy. Talking to him he is very intelligent. He believed like me if you work for someone you do your best. Cyndi would mother me and she won't sleep when I'm around. She is afraid I will disappear like the first time. Great people hard life. Family took them out long ago. They are meant to be together. I believe they have been together before. They are soul mates. Cyndi would clean rooms late in the night after she got off work. In her black Greek looking sandals. I believe she was wearing black also. She looked like  Greek warrior princess with her dyed red hair. To me she was beautiful. With her big tummy and big heart. They are my soul family. We were meant to come together at this time. I have figured that regardless of what doctors and scientist say, the ones with the big bellies carry there children close to there heart. Spiritually they do. I don't want them to hurt anymore or have to work so hard. Keith's body hurts all over and he is rail thin and wiry strong. He looked like a Eagle and Cyndi a Angel with wings. I could literally see their wings on their back. Angels don't really have wings, it is just a sign they showed me. Like all those feathers I'd find in my path. Or all those white feathers I kept cleaning up around my bed. Even if their was a lil hole in my pillow to cause it. It was a sign I just didn't know it then. All those baby soft white feathers that floated around in my room when I started rocking in my sleep.
 They found a picture somewhere. I think it was black and white with a bright red swastika on it. That red was beautiful with the way it stood out. Some of you might freak and go running screaming, but my journey was about acceptance and just seeing where things go. I have discovered that that swastika is a sign. Good or bad it's a sign. Since I have learned that the swastika actually is something spiritual, it is good. Hitler made it bad and we forgot that it once was something good. For the longest time I felt fire all around. I hated those propane tanks. I see explosions everywhere and those propane tanks are gonna blow. Keith would smoke outside by the road by that propane tank behind his place. He didn't know it but I did. He was watching it. He felt fire too. When I talk to people it's not a compulsive topic for me just an awareness. When Vivian got out she didn't like those propane tanks either. I met a woman in the last place I went into.  Her last name with her husband was from my childhood and out of the blue one day she felt fire and the ground shaking. She was protecting her children and she wouldn't let anyone near her or her children. She was on the phone with dispatch and she thought she was talking to her brother. I didn't talk about what I was feeling with others, I was just gathering information.

Around where my friends live, it is a old place but that garden grows and grows. It's amazing. Their is stuff all around that is very old and sacred. If that place goes up in flames so does other things that are beautiful and very old. When I first got into room number four, both my daughters were coming at me from both sides. I kept saying I hear you. I hear you both. I hear every word. Cyndi had to help me kick them out so I could shut down and rest. It was weird I understood everything those two said just at a much deeper level.

I'm going to go back a lil more. I saw in Patty the assistant manager at my work, she was on a big white horse. She was some kind of warrior. Regardless of her 86ing me out of fear I heard I don't have to be inside to clear any house. I was not meant to be in that place it made me sick but I had just cleared that pipe and I thought this journey was done. I didn't know it was just the beginning. Sometimes I want to pick up that red rock and throw it in the middle of that restaurant. My dad told me that day in the park I don't have to move not one God damned thing. One day I sat out in the ditch on a hot sunny day with a water bottle and I got angry then happy and I changed that black square into a heart. Don't ask me how. I just let them come through and I let it go. I visualized it in my head as I did a rhythm with that water bottle. The VP at that TA truck stop is Lombardi, the name of someone I went to school with. I used to go eat at that down home cooking restaurant with my family and by myself.

When this started I followed the hearts. I have learned that your heart isn't inside a building like a home. Your heart is inside you and the person your with. As long as you got that it doesn't matter where you go. Home is where your heart is. It doesn't matter the building. The first heart I saw was blue and it was on a big cement block. I thought it was odd but I walked by it everyday. After I got out of the first place a place I'd go to pee was a unusual hole in the ground. There was a heart engraved in the dirt. After I got here someone sent me a picture of a heart in the clouds in the shadow on Mt. Si. Can your family do that? Apparently mine can. They let me know I was on the right path. Behind this house after I got here there is a round look out and on the ground was a big heart made out of rocks with two sticks put together with some kind of twine. It has been made twice. I had a friend in AA. We met on line. He is a red head and he had been sober for a couple of years. Out of the blue he got these bad headaches. He had all these clusters removed from his brain. I'm not sure where exactly. When I was raped that dog hit me only on my sinus migraine spots. My left jaw and above my left eye. I still have the knots and for the longest time I had three huge knots. His last surgery was above his left eye. It was weird because my migraines got better. That dog never hit me directly on the face. I got two black eyes after from all the blood pressure and I didn't want my children to see me either. Alex felt like it was her fault and I was told she was looking for me. I called my mother in law and father in law. I wanted to meet with them to explain what I am seeing with their son and my daughters. They would not come. They were more afraid I was going to tell them I had did something wrong or that I was going to ask for something. I asked my mother in law for twenty dollars one time after I had moved and money was tight to feed my children. She acted like I was pulling her teeth. I have never asked them for anything from them. After my divorce I walked away. Whatever lies were spread about me was their issue not mine. They spread them to my children and that finally pissed me off. Their behavior and gossip and lies and fears were blocking the trust my children should have for their mother. Elaine would not come So I asked her not to tell my children. She did. I couldn't find Alex so I left protective custody to find my daughter to let her know this is not her fault. It was meant to be. She does not know the hurt and damage she has caused in my relationship with my children. I had had enough. I had never spoken to them about my marriage with them. They were his parents and I didn't want to taint them. After that I let them know every thing. I was done.

When I was in Seattle I think it was one of the days I heard you are half way there I saw a black heart on the ground. I think it was painted on. In a lot of ways I do follow my heart. My children do not understand, but I do this for them. When I wrote in that first poem New Dawn that is pretty much what happens to me each day as new things dawn on me.  When I was sitting on that red rock during I think it was the blood moon, that looked white to me. I was writing something not to long ago on my face book post and I had a flash back as to why I did that. I wrote it out on my Facebook as it was happening. It was something about the weed. My children s future rights to choose their own medicine in this life. With out any poisons in it. That was the first time they showed me that. I was angry. Four years to spend with our children and grand children. Only four. Then I went into that golden field and curled up in a ball. I screamed I don't care about the snakes and the rats and I fell asleep. In the morning when I woke I was cold and the sun was coming up and I went to sleep on that mound by the black rock wall facing East. The sun was coming up and it warmed me and I fell back to sleep. I walked by that red rock and I wouldn't look I didn't care if my phone and everything was gone. The bald guy that worked in that TA store. I call him a Eagle. He gathered it up and stuck it behind the red rock. Later that afternoon I looked and their my stuff still was tucked safely behind. Someone is always watching, so it seems. He was the one who watched me clear that pipe. He wanted to talk more but I never saw him again.

I only have like 15 minutes so I'll tell something short. When this started after I said yes to them coming inside me. At the time I did not know they were already there. They wanted the committment and for me to go through the paces. Physically in that place. One evening I had been sitting for hours in the zero gravity chair. I was being loaded with information. Just a flow of information that I kept going mmmhmm! The electrical current that flowed from my fingertips right down into the ground. After a few hours my arms were aching and my finger tips were burning. I finally said stop! They kept going. Finally I'm like hey guys remember I'm human. Stop! It's enough. I stood up and Michael was watching me and he saw how week I was. He picked me up and carried me. It was strange because I could see him carrying me with these big Angel wings on his back. I was at peace. Don't ask me what they were telling me because I have no idea. Even right after words. I think they let me know things piece by piece.

I want to tell you what I did when I went through the commitment. I'll try to find a computer in a lil while. For now I'll tell you this I always liked to take something old and make it new like a house or a old Chevy step side that my step dad bought me but never finished. I like garden's, quilting and animals. I always have. Now I say I'm the Jack of all trades and I didn't even know it. I still don't know what to call what I do. I have no name for it once so ever. You see my dads name was Jack.

02/14/2016
About that Jack of trades. I don't have a name for what I do. I know it is different to hear this but remember these are my shoes. Not yours. I assure you that every thing I do is for them upstairs. Not you I don't work for you. I work for them. I don't get paid for what I do. Even a parking space makes more money than me. A piece of cement gets paid to take up space. Probably think I can write a book about this journey. Through this journey I discovered I wrote lots of books. I might not be able to access them. It's all out there as I've planted my seeds all along this path. I've given you some food for thought. A different perspective. That is what they have shown me. How something looks different under the moon light than it does under the sun. They have taught me to see things differently each day. Like things that are the same and things that are different. Things that stand out. That catch your eye. Even the lighting in a room changes the mood changes just how you see something.

This last week Someone said lets go to the beach. I'm out of here I'm ready for a change I'm going to snap. I have learned that even in pictures you see things differently when you look in the lens to when you look at it head on. Or you can blow them up and see what is really there. I took a picture of a friend and we saw something in those chem trails. He took lots of pictures of those chem trails. Right there in those fake clouds that poison us and hold our air supply in. Their are two faces I see. One of a scary looking woman with longer hair and a scary mans face. It didn't scare me for some reason. When I was out at that truck stop I asked what is that look I get on my face? I have no fear just a curl to my lip. I heard Malevolence. I can't say it. So I say Malovence. Notice in that word is Love. Some times you gotta bring the bitch out for your family. No nice words when I'm out there. I get down and dirty and I say all kinds of nasty swear words. I got my rhyme my rhythm, things I never had before. I got my rattle it's in my hand. I don't need a rattle snake, as long as I'm moving, I'm shaking and at times my whole body vibrates. I don't give a Fuck who they are. Whatever it is called Fallen Angel or ET. It is time for them to go. These two I think is one in the same. That Wolfe in Sheep clothing I've been looking for. My Mother dangled me over that fire all my life. Always coming close but not quite burned. I'm still here. I still stand. No matter the hell I went through, I somehow keep popping up. Every where I look, there I be. I've always been someones bait. Always strings attached to Love every thing. All those lines all those wires, to find out I was just a puppet on a sting my whole life and so has my family. Let me explain to you. Do you remember the Movie Mad Max and that Horrible movie water world with Kevin Costner? Good or bad do you want a life like that? That is the direction we are headed and I'm sorry to be the Angel of Death. The Barer of bad News, but our nine lives are up people. I am sick and tired of Marking this Washington's territory with my blood, urine and pee. My smoke, my tobacco.

I'm burned out on every one being put in one class and not being treated for pain. Even as an addict you have a right to have less pain to get through the day. People that aren't addicted can't get relief. This predisone which makes Michael whacked out. Right down to that last nerve. I swear every time this man does something to get ahead. Something hurts in his body. When I think of every time we lived or stayed in Fall City how sick we got. How many times I dropped to my knees screaming, I was in Fall City. When I left work I heard you are done serving the food. Truly I just want to serve food and have my life back. That is up to them. It doesn't matter what I do something is stolen or I can't access something with all these fucking pass codes.

I want to know why we make products that don't do their job. Like my 3 umbrellas. Someone gave me and Diana one for when we were in Federal Way, walking twelve blocks to the good Shepherd after taking to a line buses to get there, Out in the dark we are on our own bogged down with luggage and we can't protect ourselves if someone grabs you. What are we going to say wait a minute let me make a phone call. Hold on let me call 911. Oh hell bells, whats the address where I'm at again. Really? I assure when I was told we were going to this I stood in the office with my finger straight up in the air, How safe is this for any woman? A jail in this town. You are here to protect us not put us in danger. Isn't that what this is all about a leg up in life a chance to not fear for your life. In this town I have learned that you can have the same bus number that goes in two different directions, and the names on these roads changes names 2, 3, and four times in a short distance. I have stood in so many intersections, not knowing which way to go. When I am on this West Coast line I know my North, East, West and South. Try being mentally ill or drugged up on legal or illegal drugs and figure this mess out. Back to those three umbrellas, a friend saw me and Diana out in the rain. I could of got a ride but Diana is not walking alone. That mother has 7 children three fathers and she took the heat for someone else' addiction and mental illness. Her teeth are bad because of all the calcium sucked out of her bone's carrying those children. She had pain in a tooth and hadn't been set up with a dentist yet. It truly is a full time job being homeless. The doctor thought she was lying because of her teeth. So she put her in a different class and wouldn't help her. I see this every where. Even when I take people to the doctors, I see the same thing. No relief for pain no matter what. I have someone in here who has been through the gauntlet with her neck and doctors and still no relief. The MRI finally gets done and she needs surgery. So she now has to wait three weeks to see her doctor. I see every where I go a under lying anxiety, all the way around. People are anxious and stressed out. I don't care if it's bi polar or schizophrenia, depression or anxiety. It is all a anxious fear. I was so happy when I walked through the TV room and that inventor was on from a long time ago, the one with the longish hair, white and a big mustache. Sh*t I can't remember his name. Something about the fabric around our planet and one small thing causes a ripple effect. They are starting to see the light in those discoveries that maybe he knew even more than we thought he was talking about. I don't know what it's called but that is what I've been saying all along. Cause and effect baby. It goes around and around.

Damn those umbrella's. Debbie got me and Diana each a umbrella something compact. Open them up and they break right away and it's not even open. The second one Diana got from someone else. It was new. A big red Umbrella. It's a little bit windy when I opened it up, but not for what happened. It wasn't windy enough for the whole umbrella to just turn inside out. Whish! I'm standing on a corner in the pouring rain with a red umbrella inside out. No garbage can to throw it away. Funny thing about this garbage. Not a lot of place to throw it away out here. It cost to throw away garbage now. Someone is going to pay for it. It is the homeless. Not a lot of garbage cans out here. They get the blame. Then I get a third umbrella from QFC a pretty bright pink one. I go to use it and the lock won't lock unless I set it against the cement and at times that doesn't work. When I pay for something, I don't care how much it cost. It should still do the job it is labeled for. We create all this garbage for profit for someone else. What about these garbage bags? I can carry one light comforter in a garbage bag I pick it up and it tears. So now we have all this thin plastic on our planet, that can't even serve it's purpose. Their should be quality in some things we pay for. Even if it is offered for free it should still do it's job. We as a society ignore it. let someone else pick up these cigarette butts. Let someone else clean up this garbage all this riff raff. I'm doing good still. I got my big house and my lil dog. Those are those people.That's not me. It will never happen to me. How many other people got taken out during Hitler, they weren't even Jewish. How many peoples lives did that affect and countries.

I have learned in this house. I get along great with people until I see them try to take the whole house down because they didn't get there way with their aggressive behavior. I don't know how many times I have heard, now Colleen, I don't want to start something with you. Can we just take this outside just the two of us so we can be alone? I said to another woman, no we can't T. I've seen this behavior over and over and you are not the only person in this house. Their are other people here who just want a place to come in side and not have to sleep in the cold and rain. No I can't T. You are a bully that's the bottom line. I don't like bullies. T you tell people in a threatening way, if they have something to say, to say it to your face. T, you aren't approachable. I'm not going to waste my time while you justify your bad behavior. T, I love T something happens to her in this house from a outsider, no matter what we got her back, but in this house we are all in the same boat and we are all sisters. You know the Tyler Perry movies. The character that uses God as a excuse for their bad behavior? T would sit in the van and not move over so someone else could sit down. She's been 86'd for this behavior. We all have to suffer, because she doesn't feel like it. I'd say T, move over your going to have to anyways, so lets just get this van going. She would yell out "God, why do you put me here with these crazy people?" Why do you make me suffer like this Jesus." I'm on the phone and three times I had to ask her to please be quiet, I can't hear. She couldn't hear me, because she was so loud. So I had to yell over her rant, T! I can't here this person. She goes off. After I told her no! I will not go outside with you. She had to save face because Shawna was sitting right behind us. Another black woman. I'' get to the skin color in a minute. T-jumps up and now I'm a white trash horror. My friend Niecy another very bad, bad ass black woman who doesn't take no sh*t. She can dish it but she can't take it. Another friend of mine Tina. Who drives this black truck called the beast. She's a temperamental bitch. Some days she runs smoothly and some nights she barely makes it up the hill. Tina has to roll down the passenger window, lift the window frame up to shut it. She has to hit the left head light lens to turn on. She has to put water in it every morning and boy can this beast eat the gas up. I call us the Beast Black Bitches. Even if some of us are white on the outside. T-storms out the door before anything goes down. I didn't know what these women were doing in the other room until later. My point is that when we look at someone else' skin color we only see the differences not the similarities. I come outside later and Tina is playing Beautiful White Trash Bitch. We were laughing and dancing.

When I went shopping with my two daughters, I was looking at leather wrap around the wrist bracelets. Alex looks at me and said "Mom you have enough bracelets on. I hold up my wrist and I show her what all these bracelets really are. Mostly hair bands. The color of the rainbow, looped around my wrist and fingers. After all the feathers, hearts, pennies and odd coins, Everywhere I went I kept finding hair bands. After awhile they just became a part of my makeup. I said Alex "I take what I have and I make it work. "I'm you white trash mamma, and I come from this side of the tracks now. I had never thought about it before, those train tracks I learned to sleep through all my life at my grandparents house. I slept through those damn Cu-coo clocks and trains. I adapted to my environment. I'm kind of a chameleon. I didn't realize it, but I did that all my life. Funny thing is no one ever noticed me. Never saw me sitting on the hood of a car, with a RV flipped upside 6 feet in front of me. None of the police noticed me. I kept having dreams I was falling down and no one ever saw me falling. They didn't even notice me standing right there. They showed me even though I gave my daughter my name. I tagged her lil Sassy. She looks like me with a hint of Asian. Those that weren't meant to notice noticed. She could blend right in that truck stop. She is a lot like her Mother after all. It still scares me. I'm only human after all. I don't care how much they tell me she represents every evergreen tree. It still hurts me.

Actually I did call my in-laws. Alex's car. She got in a wreck. Coughing rear ended a car. Her car wasn't fixed and she was driving five hours to school in the desert in a car that leaks water. Her father wouldn't fix it. I did not like my daughter being put in that danger over money. So someone can save a buck. Hell she could of disappeared in LA. It was a rich kid she went with. She set her boundaries. No hanky panky we are just friends. She met his friends and they inquired about her relationship with this young man. She said friends. Just friends. He got angry, he wanted more. So he went back on the food agreement. She didn't want to call her father. I didn't mind her calling me, but it bothered me she didn't want to put him out about this food issue again.

How did I get the name Sassy? The truckers. I was working a graveyard shift and I got a few Wiley ones this morning. The ones who just want to poke some fun and have some play. The topic is hilarious. We were talking about the laws on weed. How this corporation won't let you smoke weed but the state will. One was joking around and I came back on him. Then another and another. I'm hitting those balls right back to them. Pretty soon a couple men move from the table to watch me spar. Someone goes your a Sassy one. From then on the name stuck. I wore a fake wedding ring and I like that they didn't know my real name anymore. Some truckers get to personal and they want to know to much. That ring would stop some, but not all. One time I had a couple truckers in one night and in between tables I was talking to one of the men about books. Later they go out to the cab to sleep and my phone rings and it was that man. His truck was parked right outside my door. He was out of line by a long shot. He looked up the number to this restaurant wanting me to come out to the truck. He said that he thought we had something good going a talking about books. I am a server of food nothing else. I don't serve nothing of myself. I don't like the ones who tell me their sob stories hoping I'll feel sorry for them and take them on. Sorry not me. Take that sob story and manipulate someone else. Not interested not me. You want cream with that coffee, get it off the table not me. I got hot with that guy on the phone. How someone can take nothing and turn it into something is beyond me. Lay that load of crap in my lap. I got bills to pay and mouths to feed just like you. I said don't you ever call me in here again. How dare you put this shit on me. This is my job, not that you jerk. Now I have to work the rest of the night with that outside my door. I didn't let him get to far under my skin and I never saw him again. Men like this are also the kind to get you fired because they didn't get their way.

The side door in that place doesn't even lock. I could be their and someone can sneak up behind all because the didn't want to pay for a lock. I didn't discover that until someone used it and shocked me. I expect the company I work for to keep me safe enough to do my job, not put me at risk. This company has a hard time hiring people, because no one wants to work for them. Any job in that restaurant needs back up and it falls to the servers and we have no back up. They forget they are still a part of the community. Word spreads in your company about how you treat the locals who work for you and they don't come back. We have the truckers, the community, and the travelers who come in that place and they cater to one and not very well. The expectations of the servers goes way beyond the call of duty. Double duty, triple duty in a place that has the desert fridge in the middle of the line instead of on the end. We have to get all the drinks off the line. If we had a place to get drinks off the floor customers can see us when they come in and see just what we are doing. Not sit in a restaurant with no staff around.  Even the cash register faces the doorway. One cash register should always face your customers, not away. When I had to count the till the cashier that came on always would leave while I had to stop every few seconds to cash out someone else. No till should be counted on the floor anyways.  You want people to give customer service then set me up so I can. Set me up to succeed not fail. If I succeed so do my customers. Don't make us fight for food on that cooking line. While the cooks ignore us. During rush hour we should have a expo person anyways.  Not some assistant Manager telling us no questions go away!  I don't know how many times I watched a certain cook ignore a server because part of her order didn't come up. If she left the first part in the window it would dry out, the other customer is waiting. If those cooks don't communicate with the servers then we can't communicate with the customers. All those people have to work together for one goal in that place. A team of people working together to do the best they can to serve these people their food. With quality, commitment and drive. I don't care what someone's personal issues are all that extra garbage needs to sit on the sidelines until the job is done to the best of our ability. That corporation created a lot more stress on us and the people we serve by saving money. Each extra step that server has to make is time lost from our customers. Our corporation just has one point of view. Dollar signs. When I was going to the ocean we stopped off to get lunch the restaurant was packed so we hit the corner store, happened to be a truck stop. Dave would buy me a pack of smokes once in awhile. I didn't ask but I sure appreciated the offer. It was a real treat. I picked the Marlboro black and reds. I usually pay $7.30 a pack tops locally but at a truck stop it's 10.01. Imagine that. They gauge the customers that would have to move a semi out of a parking spot to get a cheaper pack of smokes. More time and effort than it's worth. This corporation knows that. They gauge the people they serve. Just because they can. It is every where. Where is the appreciation in this company for the people who work these front lines and serve the people in so many different ways? No truckers people, no food and water. Imagine having that stuff flown in and dropped on the ground? That is where we are going to be. Emergency service only. Do you want that? Not me, not for one minute. People have to let the money go. I'm telling you that now. Pretty soon how much you made in your past life isn't going to matter one damn bit. Who and what you used to be won't mean a thing if you don't have something to offer, something to bring to the table. That bank account isn't going to matter one damn bit.

I would not eat fruit for the longest time. I didn't care how beautiful and enticing the display. I would not eat it. The only way I would eat a apple was when Michael would sit by me and cut a apple with a knife. Slowly Over time I started to eat a slice here and there. Pretty soon I wanted two slices. They tasted good. I'd only eat apple when Michael cut it and fed it to me. When I started to sleep in the storage unit my daughter brought me a bag of Apples. My Kiley who washed my laundry to help me out. I showered at V's at times, or Cyndi's or the pool. I was clean for a homeless person. I'd even take off my tank top on hot days and rinse off in that river and get a drink. It's hot out there in my lil brown suede shoes and pant's every day.  Hiking trails, pathways and road ways. I never slowed down, I always kept moving forward no matter how unusual things were. I also figured out that at times I didn't go hungry because whatever that shaman brother ate it fed me. Somehow I don't know how. Trust me when I say my vanity is gone. I never talk about this sh*t but it's part of my story and it isn't all a bed of roses out here. I'm not sure if I even knew at the time that that red headed brother was controlling my insides.

One morning I awoke as usual but this time I did things a little differently. I had porta potties and restrooms for my bi potty time. I was on my period too. I went big potty in a cup without a tampon so their was some blood mixed in. I peed in a cup with a bloody tampon. I put it in  little red cooler. I had a apple and I always carried a bag of balloons that were all the color of a rainbow. Plus I had my tampon applicator. When I got there there was about a foot of water in that black pit. I took a bite of the apple and I had put a staff in front of that electrical box and power line. I propped it up the night before with one of Gary's beer cans. It pointed to the that haystack. I spit the apple out  by the staff. I took another bite of the apple I swallowed it. I threw the fecal matter cup, the bloody urine with the tampon, the apple and the tampon applicator and I threw them all in that black pit. I wasn't even aiming and they all lined up with that staff going North to South. The apple landed in front. I took the balloons and I threw them all around that staff. I put my hand on the ground just where that black pipe intersects one hand on the ground the other on the ground. I said the Lords Prayer. With keep coming back, You work it because you're all worth it. The next morning I went back. Early as usual before most woke up. There were other apples in that pit, the one I took a bite out of was on the North side of that pit. I picked it up and I threw it back in the water. How it got out I'll never know. It was maybe two feet. Not even close to the top. What did that apple do? Fly out? Who knows I'll probably never know that one. The next time I went back it was all still there. Hey I'm from Renton we're all a little mucked up. Us ladies from Renton and Kent. We don't need a glass. We drink our beer from the bottle. I heard one day on the bus just who's Mother I am, then I heard you don't fuck around. I got P.O.d I said Really? You throw it out there like that? That was the point I got it real clear. I never fucked around. I never cheat. Not one time. Not with any man. I had rules. I admit I thought about it in marriage. That man never touched me except for sex. Not one nice word. Not one helping hand. He flopped me around like a rag doll. It was all about him. At times he would lie their with his hands behind his head. After the long days and short nights I had. I had had enough. He was changing, turning on porn when I'd try to watch TV group sex. Always. I'd turn my back and turn off my light on my side of the bed. He could only get off touching one thing. Usually by surprise. Like Hello! Sorry not for me not this way. Not anymore I definitely felt less than now. Like I wasn't good enough anymore as I'm doing all the work with his hands behind his head. His excuse was always I work, I need to relax. It was always about him. I'd just get off and walk away. Get dressed and go to bed. As far as I was concerned, He doesn't want to participate because he is more worthy than me. He needs a break my Ass. He just showed up in this marriage. By the time got to any event, it didn't matter what it was every thing was in place for him. With no credit for  me how it got that way. How I pulled this off all on my own. Greg had a way of entering a room. Laugh and bump hands, like he has arrived. In the end I'd finish the clean up. Not him. If their was something physical that had to be done I had to be with him by his side too. It didn't matter all the trips I had to go to town to get building material for example. Loading on the carts off the shelf. Checking out every piece of wood, making sure those two by fours wern't to knotty or crooked. All the hardware. Loading all the bolt's and nails. Truly my favorite store is the hardware store. I love it. Nothing better than all those tools. Some were just my size. Now tools were coming in different colors. The electric screwdrivers that are plugged in all the time. Just ready to go for a quick job here and there. In our house I had my own tool drawer. Greg's were in the garage. He hardly ever used them. If he did it would either be me or my neighbor Jim. He loved fishing and he made these awesome lil bird houses. A man who works with their hands and isn't afraid to get dirty is my kind of man. I remember one time when things weren't so great. I was having another heating system put in and we needed a ditch to go from one part of the garage to the house. I let Greg know ahead of time this one is yours. He didn't put up to much of a fight. When it came to Greg's wallet, saving money on heat was a must in this fixer up from the early seventy's. This house was sectioned off in three sections and that wood stove only heated one part. I loved the wood stove but I didn't like the smell and mess. All those spiders on the wood. I'd carry it in and I wouldn't even know. But paying out all this money on electric and wood for three sections was pricey. I think this was the propane line. Our electric bills were like 300 with the wood stove. The windows were the problem. I couldn't put a screen door on the front door because no one noticed this house was privately built and not much was up to code. The awning in front curved down to low for a screen door. The closets weren't wide enough for hangers and the sheet rock was hung the wrong direction so it sagged long and wide with popcorn ceilings. I had fake brick on the walls nailed on with huge nail going in all the wrong direction. The cupboards were up to the ceiling so I always climbed. Greg said when we bought this house we can fix it up. Little did I know that Greg really didn't know how to do any of this. Nor did he care to learn. Greg needed to relax people, he worked. He was to tired to do anything else. He was entitled because he brought home the bacon right? Nope, not to constantly anyways. He would just expect me to write a check for our mortgage with nothing coming in. It was all so magical, right? Good times all the way. Not so much. Greg worked for friends and even though he worked and met his part of the contract he didn't want to put them out by asking for his check. Money was tight for his friends. We were in front of the office. We had just my car and I would drive him to Bellevue after Alex was born. We didn't have that Datsun yet. I said "Greg, look at Alex behind you." She needs that roof and I need that check. You bring home a check. I did not yell. he just didn't get that money does not grow on trees.

I had this issue in California while in College. He would tell me the morning of that he needed a check for two hundred and fifty to three hundred dollars at times. I would say Greg, you had to know in advance that you needed this money? So I got the second job or worked long hours, plus packed up every weekend for every last road trip Greg had to go on before he started to work for a living. Lets not who had to purchase and pack all this stuff. One time at snake River I had did everything. I got out of the car hot and burned out. I worked all day, a long week. Lets not forget on these drives I was the one pushed up to the dash or I'd squeeze in top of everything in the back seat with maybe 10 inches below the ceiling. Never a thought for my comfort level just his. Don't forget I was in charge of reading the maps and making the sandwiches on the go if I didn't make something before. I got pretty good at this prepping and preparing all food before I go. I digress again. Silly me. You know looking back he never gave me advanced notice. I realized before it was his parents not me.

I would have to sit him down and explain to him that your parents worked hard for what they have now Greg. They started out with nothing and your dad and mom worked at those rental houses after work. I explained they sacrificed when they were young to have the life today. I had to explain during the first year that we bought a fixer upper, so we not only have to fix the things that need to be updated. Like these outlets that didn't work. Plus we have maintenance, for every season. We can't just leave it Greg. So then Greg wanted to barter everything, but it was up to me to arrange this and meet these demands. Pull it all together. This one is my favorite, I bought a solid teak table set that the leaves fit inside. It was a beautiful table and it fit twelve. It was like $475.00. He didn't go he never did but I was told I had to cut that price down. I would be so embarrassed. This was a find and this woman took beautiful care of it. So I got it for $450 to make him happy. I'd always have to borrow stuff and call people whenever he wanted to do something and go pick stuff up. One time I found out Greg borrowed a classmate's jacket for graduation and he lost it. I found out the hard way when Greg had me call to borrow something else. Jeff, I loved Jeff. Sweet guy. Big heart. He informed me that Greg borrowed a three hundred dollar jacket and lost it. I was done with this borrowing stuff for him. We had to camp practically every holiday and weekend. I loved camping, no problem sleeping in the woods. Trying to do this with two children at these camp sites. Greg would disappear all day. Wouldn't see him and leave me with two babies in a tent. Just how am I going to use the restroom? Let them crawl around on the floor? I'd try to say Greg, I need help. Greg was like no this is my time to relax. I work I need to relax. If we didn't go out of town he would want to go to his parents. I'd have to load the car again. Play pen and all to go take care of my daughter somewhere else. So now me and his mom can take care of things. While Greg made himself a drink or drank a beer. Always something with this one. He didn't realize how much he would not pick up that ball in our marriage. Hey if you don't participate you don't have to take any responsibility when the chips fall? This is just one small part of everything. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Funny how Greg married a woman who looked a lot like me. Her name was Anne. I didn't like the way my girls were treated. Kiley hid in that room for a reason and when she had company, Anne would all of sudden have something that Kiley needed to do. Kiley was becoming OCD she was so stressed out if the rug fringe didn't line up just right. My mom was the same way. Not so much on cleaning but when I had company, she never knocked. She'd throw that door open so hard it would hit the wall. Bam! There she would stand naked. With her big belly and big breast a hanging down. Not just this reason but one other that I stopped having friends over. That woman was a tyrant all the way.

Anne however put Greg's Ass to work. She was not moving in to that house until it was up to par. That man was finally having to get to work. I had been in that house about ten years. with that Kitchen that wasn't even a kitchen. It was pieced together all that time. Irony huh? Good for her. Oh yeah that marriage lasted two years. Anne said something to Alex however, she said he was real secretive and he would come in with large amounts of cash and it would disappear. She said he just wasn't connecting. Something was a miss. Some how I understood this. Anne also had two more Annes right under her. The youngest a little red head.

Okay so how and what did I do to commit to this journey. This place I like to call homeless boot camp. Well remember they were already healing me. When they showed me movies of my past, I felt a knife slip out of a rib. I had to ask about this rib stuff. It seemed Eve was made from Adam's rib bone. It seems she was second class. I'm here to tell you not so. You know even Adam came from somewhere. It is a link to life. It does not make woman less than. Not by any means. I guarantee you Greg wouldn't last out here doing what I do. He would of freaked out a long time ago. Probably would of screamed like a girl when Michael didn't quite look like himself and later when they showed me. I still had Malovence on my face. Sometimes you gotta bring the Bitch out. Us women have taken the heat for all this B.S. long enough. We have carried the burden we have carried the load. We took the blame. Even some of your Mothers took the heat in this life. You cut out our clitoris so we can't have a orgasm. All done out fear by man. Let's hold these women down, lets tie them and chain them to this illusion that Mary shed those bloody tears for man. Please as if. Women used to have babies and put them on their backs and get back to work. Hell they didn't have epidurals for the pain. I had epidurals. I wanted to enjoy this. Besides I was told if I get out of line and blame him for this pain he is out of there. Truly I never had any desire, but it would of been nice if he hadn't of left me alone all night while I fought the contractions and pain all by myself. It was four thirty and I was down on all fours panting. I woke him and I said I'm ready, I'm done. He said are you sure you can't hold out for awhile longer. He was tired. This was my third night of being up. I worked all day and I couldn't shut down and sleep anymore. After Alex was born at 3;16 that day. Greg was calling friends and I was feeding Alex. He wanted me to talk on the phone to someone, I said not now I'm to tired. He informed me of how rude I was being.

I had forgotten that I wrote out what they were telling me to do. I wrote it out for my sister. The last conversation we had had she wasn't feeling very well and she was waiting for the next message. For some reason it wouldn't go through. F'n technology. It was where I envisioned a red ruby on my lower abdomen and I had to picture it lighting up bright red until the red grew and grew brighter, it lit me up. Then For a few days I had to picture a flow of blood going from me down into the ground. At times I stood and I would bare down. It flowed into the ground. Their was a small piece of wood on fire just the end. This would looked like a eel with a lil mouth. I circled the smoke over my head. Then I inhaled it and blew it out. I went into the woods in my red slippers. I came to a clearing in a circle of trees and when I looked down it looked like a big dog turd. I looked up at the sky and I said Oh come on! Not this Sh*t! I hate this Sh*t. When I looked back down it looked like a pheasant with a bone sticking out of it's neck. I blinked and it turned into a talon. I picked it up and I used the nail of that talon to dig a deep hole. I stuck it straight in the ground. I hit it with the palm of my hand real hard and I covered it with dirt. I patted it down and I peed on it.

It felt right. It felt good. I didn't start this sh*t. They did long ago. I discovered a lot about myself since then. You know what people may not understand, but I like myself, just fine. I realized all those crazy post when they hit me real hard in the beginning was supposed to happen. So when the time came they would remember at which point people turned me off. They will remember just what it was I said. I called out a lot of people and when I watch the news I see all these policemen and politicians and pharmaceutical people being called to the mat, being called to the table. I saw a policemen shot seven times, and that night King County sent him to the wrong Motel to door number four. I'm in the backseat, I asked just where are you taking me. He said a different motel. I said you know what you go up to that circle just a ahead and you turn around. You take me back to the other one with Keith and Cyndi. The people I learned that the carpenters in Vegas and actually all around are the last to get paid. That is right, pretty mucked up if you ask me. The ones who use their bodies to build you a house. They are the disposable ones. The ones doing all the work. In vegas they lock up all the food in those garbage bins so the homeless can't eat. I'm afraid Vegas isn't looking so good upstairs. Not so much the gambling, not really. Just the gamble with other peoples lives. This sh*t is not okay. Not by any means. When I got asked by someone to feed food to the homeless I went. I liked it. All those people, all those colors. Especially that black and red it stood out. Those people with no teeth. These vet's and senior citizens that can't afford to eat so they come their to that lil church for a meal. It was sad yet so beautiful. Just a different perspective. Just some food for thought about peoples priorities. Things are pretty basacwards out here. I still learn something new everyday. I still got a lot more to share. So tune in people. next time. Happy V-day to all and to all a good night. I think I'll take a walk.

One thing I have learned is hiding in plain site is the best defense of all. Safety in numbers, witnesses to the storm. Even if I'm out there alone. Alone I will stand, I do not care. Their are cameras every where out here. On the bus in this house, on the corner. Someone is always watching me. I have my family. last night I made it clear. Those twins are mine. Every last one. Mine all mine. Not theirs whoever that Wolfe is I see in sheep clothing I see. I am the sacrifice this time. After this their will be no more sacrifice, not for anyone or anything. Not for any animals either. No more race cards, no more excuses. We will grow again. This planet will be cleansed and reborn.

02/15/2016
This writing might make some of you uncomfortable. It is one where I was just listening and writing. For this one I had to put on someone else' shoes. It is just another point of view another way of thinking. I am not condoning in anyway. I just see the bigger picture is all. When I first meet someone, I take them at face value. I don't judge a book by it's cover. I accept people for who they are if their life and actions do not have a negative on me or others at the moment I just watch and learn as I move forward on this journey.
I know it is hard to believe or understand why God would make this so, but trust me when I say he has a plan in place. For everyone.

Out Meth addicts, our crack addicts, our heroine addicts, who use these black and white rocks that lie to feed a hole in their heart. Face it we all are feeding something that is broken inside. These addicts are our dredges of society, the cause of a big problem right? Before these drugs came along our parents had their own drugs to get through life. The diet pills the barbiturates it doesn't matter what you call it it altered us to make feel better in some way to help us through the tough times. It's hard to believe but these people are the warriors this time around people. They agreed to this kind of pain. The drugs that eat your bones and strip your soul making you a zombie that no longer feels. These one's are the strong ones up stairs. They agreed to sacrifice their bodies for us. So our planet wouldn't absorb so much poison. The ones you judge for having no teeth. They were the chosen ones. They were chosen up there first. I have taken someone not to long ago to the hospital coming down off meth. I didn't know it at the time but I learned something in this too. Hospitals always take a urine test first. If they have meth in their system they are judged and not given any help for the pain. The doctors don't even hook them up to a I.V. to wash those drugs out of their bloodstream. Meth dehydrates you and makes your tissue like beef jerky. When your on it you don't feel pain but coming down every nerve ending is on fire. The ones who look old and beaten down for you. They could even give them charcoal to help absorb the poisonous acid in their stomachs and intestines. It will help filter going through the rest of their organs. They chose this life for you so you can have your homes, your cars, your families. They did this for you and they don't even know it or understand. That is what I mean when I say their bodies represent. We all represent something good or bad.

Those dealers chose this too. Regardless of what you think someone hurt bad enough in their lives to do this to someone else. It's not about the judgement just an awareness. I can guarantee you they lost loved ones in this fight for our planet. I'm not saying I condone this or go out and get high, I'm saying wake up and smell the coffee people. We have all lost in this fight with the drugs legal or illegal. I'm not saying that while here on this planet that their shouldn't be consequences. Those dealers sit in prison cells everyday whether they are running free outside. I assure you being a dealer would be a paranoid defensive way of life. Someone always wanting to take you or your loved ones out all the way around. What a way to live in fear. We all paid a price this time people just in different ways. If that dealer goes down so does their family, their children too. I guarantee you if the dealers really knew what this was really all about they would drop their weapons and stand their ground for their real family. Those ones upstairs. No planet, no food, no medicine, no need for that money either. This is really about their God up there not down here. I met some really great people who do these drugs. Some have integrity still.  Some are really good people inside. I met a young girl with no teeth, she had a baby squirrel in her purse. She was taking it home to take care of it. Even something like that no matter how small the animal that one is not a zombie she has a big heart and so did her boyfriend on that motor cycle I saw around me so many times before. I do not help take people down. I do not give names of the ones who are suffering, dealer or user. Truly I don't know any names anyways.  These drugs are just a part of the big picture, that is all just one part.

02/16/2016

You might not like a lot of what I say. It might be somewhat confusing for those of you who have no idea who I am. My goal is not to scare you. I hate sounding threatening but I have spoken the truth all along this journey. I guarantee you could not go through anything I have gone through in these last 8 months and not lose your mind. Most of you couldn't ever walk out of your life and sleep in the woods. Be willing to go into the places I have been in just to take a look inside what someone else is going through and connect these dots like they have taught me to see. To be judged and walk away from so much hope and happiness and to know there is nothing I can do until then.  To get to the next rock on this journey of mine. If any of you think for one moment this is easy on me I challenge you to give this life a try. To see so many people hurt inside and I know what is doing it, but their is nothing I can do is this.  I heard you are done serving food and I just want my life back. I want all of me not just little pieces of me. Not anymore. I may not have a job, or a home but all I can offer you are my words. These words are free and they don't cost you one thing but everyday I post this, I truly put my life on the line in so many different ways you don't even know. My children I write for my children, no one else in the hopes that my children will have something to look back on and know that I did everything I can do to save this planet. When this started I didn't know it was about the planet at all. I was like you I thought someone else was taking care of this issue. We pay all the extra dollars to recycle. We donate and pass our used items around.

This planet is part of the heavenly plan people. My favorite movie is What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. The colors the beauty it is pretty close to what it is up there. Different layers people. We go there to heal and learn and feel unconditional love. Some of us have never had it such as myself, but I don't care as long as my children do I do not care what happens to me.

People are more uncomfortable with my rape than I am. Their was a reason. I learned from someone that I don't wish to have around me anymore. He showed me just how men think and other women as well. What did I do to deserve it? How was I dressed? Did I lead him on? We have become a society that can't look at someone without judging them. The victim. Who was out there just to save my family. My children, and yours. You just don't want to hear the truth. I only speak the truth. My truth, as a woman, as a mother. I assure you you may not understand just what I did but I may have saved this God Forsaken Place. So did that man who lives at that truck stop.  He is out there for you saving your life and you haven't a fucking clue. Last time I saw him, a few months back he said someone not so good was looking for me. I said, I know. You think I don't see your cars parked across from this house. Yes I see you. The last one sat there for a couple of days. I got tired of it. It was time for him to go. All the windows were blacked out, but I could see your shadow. I should be able to broad day light I stood right in front of your truck. As you were watching me I was watching you. Weather I am there or not you are seen. I have backup, you might not see them and you don't have too. I didn't come down here for one last time to let this place go down without a fight. I go to the back of the truck and saw it was on. It was so quiet. It left.

What about another showing up saying I ordered a ride. Never happened I ordered no ride and I wasn't even there. Funny how things work out. Using a carpenter hammer looking for a brunette in a car. Wrong woman. Funny carpenter hammer and our carpenters get paid last. Imagine that? I wasn't sure about this one but they had me take another look. When I talk about the voices in the beginning I heard one man. He was gambling with my life. I don't like that. I haven't gotten to spend hardly any time with my daughters. To teach them to see just what I see. I can't wait for the day to teach them. To guide them. To touch them. Their little faces that have missed the mothers touch for so long. To hold them and wipe away their tears or see their face light up when they see me get back up. I want them to know just who I am and why I did this. It was for my daughters at first, but now it's every ones children, not just mine.

My daughter has a twin out there on those seven seas too. She was born the same day and at the same hospital. Her brother is on that front line, and so many other peoples children too. So I don't think for a minute any of this is funny.  Part of going through hard times is learning something from it so when someone else goes through it they can pass what they went through on to the next person.

After I was raped, I was 86'd off that lot. The very place that all I wanted to do was talk to the property manager. His name was I think Pruis and a maintenance man who I have served several times did not recognize me. Must of been the curls, I don't know. I didn't want anything just to let him know. I was told by that maintenance man I was 86'd. I don't know why I walked off. I was into following their rules back then. I walked off. I heard them say something. I went to the Hotel across the street and the clerk said this happens a lot. I'm surrounded by paramedics and police and the maintenance man, the one in charge of the water. The place the bathrooms made me dry heave and that oil made me sick.  Stands with his arms across his chest on the opposite street corner. I said inside my head. Pretty big for a maintenance man that is. I lifted my arms in the air and I said bring it. My daughter isn't there anymore and she is a lot like her mother after all. She can stand in the middle of the room and no one noticed just who that little lion cub is. I tagged that one "Lil Sassy." That one is a little rock and she isn't going down without a fight either. She may not know what is going on but I do. When I sat in that veterans office. The tags I still carry in my pocket from that day. They showed me acres of evergreen trees. That one represents our trees people. I wrote for a long time that day just writing what they are showing me.

The other one was going to be a Irish Twin. It was a boy. My ex's only begotten son that I miscarried and after he never even acknowledged me, not one word. He never even came in the room. You might not see her twin but I know just who her brother is. You don't see that ones brother but I do. They have made it very clear. That one walks in the light. This one doesn't need any markings at all, She is crystal clear. I have here in those two 2 rocks right here. They both don't understand but I see their tribe.

After I went to the hospital I let another policeman interview me. I wasn't crying or upset, I was still figuring things out. He said it was the most perceptive interview he had ever had, especially from a woman who had just been raped and 86'd off the very land, that I assure you will still stand. The only thing I wanted was for the servers to get that line fixed and back up help. Security at night so it doesn't happen to someone else' daughter, mother or grandmother. They ignored me and blew me off. They were very good at it. I got a lawyer, his name was Larry Bird! He said well if they called in and said their was a prostitute on the lot, lets just let that go. Seriously? He was going to look into his finances. I was thinking of only taking a couple thousand and the rest to his children. I never went back. I don't want a lawyer that is okay with letting that label stand on my head. That money I decided would be blood money, and those kids are going to have a hard enough time learning their father is a serial rapist. I knew instinctively that he had left a few women on the side of the freeway. He was looking for a rope to tie me up. I never cried I bartered the whole time. I heard you have to fight for him. Whoever him was I had no idea. I knew physically I'd lose. So I gave it my best shot. I bit him twice downstairs with his fist a coming down like rocks on my head. I tried stabbing him in the eye with pliers. I acted so coy, like I didn't know what I was doing. I honked that horn three times. I faked three orgasm's that man wasn't getting that part of me. During the struggle I bit him on the back. I didn't even know it. Finally I used my words. I never begged, I never cried. I just wanted him to hear me out. I yelled "please! please! It's not me your angry at. It's your two mothers. Your children are doing good because your mother has them.When your father said "his son." She thought he didn't love her anymore. He fizzled and washed the blood from my face and allowed me to get dressed. He had me take pictures of his wounds. He said he could swing a story if I told on him. He said he would be back for my daughter. That is why I waited. I wanted him far away. He had me look on his back, I pretended to be so concerned for his well being. He said it burned. I saw my bite mark. I said I don't see anything. I wasn't letting him know I was leaving him with everlasting pain after he pulled away. He said it sure does burn. Nope! I don't see nothing. He told me I had to have a cigarette before he would let me go. He said he didn't even get to nut up. I had no idea what that meant. When he told me I said no. That is not for the taking. That is something personal that happens between two people. Someone you can trust. I asked how he felt now. He said "rejected."  It was a few months later that something about Eve came up. I wondered if that was how Eve felt? Did she feel rejected in that garden? Trust me I know how she feels after this. I'v had so much rejection in my life I didn't even know it.  Especially lately.

One other thing my left hand was flowing like my right hand does when they speak. I heard very faintly, your family wants you to come home. About forty minutes later he died in Fife. It seems he went home after all. My family? Who knows? I don't hit send they do. Not me, they are the key here, not just me. I wasn't chosen from down here, but from up there. We all were.

This is the interesting part. The nurse comes in after and takes my stuff, a male nurse sits at the foot of my bed and they open the doors and blinds. I'm asking what is going on? I am told if I try to leave or cause a scene I will be committed. I just helped the police catch a serial rapist, very clearly I told them everything and then some. This is another interesting part about you can't help someone else until you have been through it yourself.

Their was a boy across the hall. I recognized his hand going to his face and it being pushed to the side. I think he had cerebral palsy. He was one of the children born with broken wings. He was pushing his face into the pillow and yelling Annie. I watched and listened. Somehow I understood every word. I asked the nurse about him. I asked do you understand him? She said no. I said well I do. He is staying in a home. Annie his friend is being raped by someone named Troy or Roy. Later he was sitting in a chair looking at me and he was pulling on the crotch area of his pants. Troy or Roy was messing with him too. He started pulling at his thighs telling me, He wants to help Annie, but his legs won't work. He loves Annie. Annie is his friend. I had asked the consultant who came into analyze me to see if I needed a mental institution or protective custody.  It would of been easy to check out, I don't know if anyone ever did. The name Annie has come up few times in this story. All those little Annie's are mine. Especially that baby red head that is my daughters niece. I told Kiley, I won't turn this voice of. If it helps just one person, I don't care if they think I am crazy. I won't turn it off.

You cannot believe the way I have been treated after that rape. I took it because they wanted me to experience something and hear the words. It turns out that man was adopted. I think by white people, he thought his mother rejected him for the color of his skin. It was the first he had heard and understood just why his mother mistreated him.

It was a couple of months later that I stopped and yelled out he washed me off. Just like I did with my daughter when I wore my pink long johns, It's about the rocks it's about Alex. Everyone wants proof of life. Another price tag on somebodies head. I put up with a male nurse sticking a needle in my arm and for over twenty minutes I said, it hurts take it out. Blood running down my arm the whole time. Finally I got angry my patience was done. I told him several times it's in wrong, take it out. My daughter looks at me, "mom! He's just trying to help mom. I had to make her leave the room with tears in her eyes. That was hard, but it had to be done. I have given myself my own shots for migraines for years. Doctors are always taking blood from me. I bled all over that land for them and they haven't a clue. Everyone wants proof. It seems words aren't good enough anymore. Not even when you speak the truth.

These hospitals are full of people from my past or their family members. No one cares they are nuts. Lets write them off. You have not a clue how strong they really are to be judged and mistreated for seeing things and feeling things a little differently. These people I have watched taught me so much. They may have just saved your life. I could see so much of you out their in these people who are not only locked inside their minds and condemned. Just go away, these people are crazy right? They just see things from a different perspective that is all. In different dimensions. If I can help just one of these people like they have helped me to understand just why I do this, then heel no. I won't turn this voice off. I'd rather live out here with them anyways.

These people with all this cancer and diseases. You have no idea what pain is until you walk through their shoes. To be bounced around in a system, put in all these parameters and boxes. All because our system has failed them and so have their families. I wonder where are the fathers, the husbands, the brothers, to these women that cross through this lil blue day center. I call home. These mothers who sleep in the cars with their children at night, the only roof they have over their head to be sabotaged by the fathers. The fathers of those babies in those cars. Trying to take that single mothers roof out of spite. They become prey. Don't you understand. Our homeless our veterans who fought for our countries for this red, white and blue I wear on my ass.

Yup that's right. I wear my colors on my ass! Hey at least I represent. Which is more than most you do. You fight over race the colors of our skin. We allow rocks to be thrown at our mothers. We don't understand just how bad it is when someone accuses the victim by asking her what she was wearing. I can assure you. You ask any man from any of my schools, you ask any of my guy friends or any of my boyfriends if I ever dressed like a whore. Not one could say yes! The gull of you people to allow this to happen by your brothers. To your sisters, your mothers your grandmothers your children. People laugh at a man getting raped. I think that man who had the nerve to ask me that question. I think he should try it out. So I can ask him what are you wearing? What did you do to deserve it? Shouldn't of been out there, your crazy. I finally got to read the article in the paper, imagine my surprise when they said it was alleged because I walked away from that truck. Wouldn't that be murder or attempted murder? Wow! Yes! I asked for it alright. To figure this out for you people. So I can sit here trying to help you and you judge me. How about these prostitutes anyways?

I've truly been fortunate enough to never had to do this to feed my family. To feed myself. We all feed ourselves something people. Our own service men don't know whats coming down that pike. Our sisters, our brothers. Our children. We have all been so beaten down in this life we prosecute and judge others so we won't have to see inside ourselves. I assure you most those prostitutes male or female did not put themselves out there on those streets. They had help with someone before that and before that helping them out with that. We are so broken we break are children and that is what we pass on. We have children to feed us love. Not for us to feed them, so they can grow and grow into big strong lions, big strong trees. When are we going to stop feeding each other this B.S. This poison this swill? When are we going to stop letting someone else take the heat for your own bad behavior. This is not everyone I'm talking to. So don't you put words in my mouth. You know who you are. Looking down your nose at people for their differences. Sizing them up. Are they worthy of your Love? Now ask yourself, Are you worthy of theirs?

Are you worthy enough to learn that all these gangs whether on a motor cycle or in a gang are our Lost Boys this time around. Quite frankly we all have been a little lost. Been misguided and felt alone. I have seen so many people turn it around and turn a new leaf to better themselves and not get rich at all but they pass on what they know. Happily so they pass on the best of who they are. That don't cost a dime.

Their weathered skin with no teeth. Our people who sit in jails everyday either inside their head or in a cell. Someone else dropped the ball and broke their heart. Sometime long ago. It began with a broken heart and it grew and grew. All for a misunderstanding it grew and grew. It spread across our nations in so many ways. After I was raped they took the belt my daughter gave me to where. I couldn't get it back. I thought when I bought this shirt it was red, white and black. I use the arms as a belt. It turn out it is red, white and blue. I work with what I got every day. I love this belt. Sorry if this belt offends you. This is about family and traditions people. As long as you have that, Love grows. If I can plant just one seed. let it be Truth! Honor! Courage! Love! When we love, this planet grows. All you really need is heart. All you need is love.

Everyone today wants proof of life. Put a price tag a bounty on someone else's head. Hey let it be someone else as long as it's not me right? Let it be someone else not me I don't wanna know. Hey what you don't know you don't have to take any responsibility right? You don't answer to me you answer to them upstairs. What is your excuse going to be?

You wanna know a little secret? The one where I broke the rules. I broke the law with that card. By the time I re-ordered a new card and the mailing system I had $740.00 on it. You see you can't get hot food or hot coffee on it. I can only use it on me not anyone else. Wanna know what I did, I fed my family with it. You see I'm not complaining it's just a fact we eat a lot of spaghetti and chili in this house. Everything is donated. Who doesn't have a great recipe anyway? One you hardly get to make for a large group of people? Now I'm not knocking these volunteers by any means. These people are great, they donate their time and money. Some do it every week. My point is this, we didn't have anyone bringing anything in so I took mu lil EBT card and I won't down to the Mexican Market place down the hill. I bought a 6 lb. roast, 20 lbs of potato's and three pounds of carrot's and I carried it in three trips up the hill. I went back for ice cream bars. A special dairy treat for us. I got Lipton onion soup just like my mom used to make. It was time for these women to eat some meat. A little down home cooking you might say. Eat we did it was a feast! Their is one woman in here and she was putting it on weight, getting a little chunky. She hadn't eaten in three years. I said Girl! You eat time to fatten you up. I love this one she is strong. She is my lil J.

The milk is donated and at times we don't have any coffee and cereal, so I walked down the street and I used that little EBT card of mine. Sometime's in Seattle people will ask for food because they are hungry. Hey I'm not there to judge. These people are hungry they need to eat. So out comes my lil EBT card. The day someone tells me that I can't feed my family, thy kingdom, come you have little faith. The day some one tells me these women aren't my sister's well let's just say I'd beg to differ. We have stipulations on food. Tell you the truth our foods not so great, but for now these people got eat it and if I got IT I gladly give it.

These women might piss me off! You gotta learn to fight with your sisters somehow and still love them. Not trade them in or send them back, then it might as well be in this lil blue day center I call home for 2 more weeks anyways. I've cleaned out this donation closet many times over and the last time I swear it was my old closet. Right down to the pink and white polka dot shirt that took me back to bad customer service experience. We had this aggressive schizophrenic in here for awhile. She destroyed the kitchen and I'm standing back, telling myself I'm not cleaning up another schizophrenics mess, not again. Next thing you know I'm cleaning it up anyway! Someone from my past was due to arrive to make lunch. She does it every Sunday. She is a sweet bear with great big brown eyes and a beautiful smile. The Schizophrenic I'll call her madam X, she looks at me and says I'm just helping. I look at her Please! No more help, stop helping me. Right before Madam X left a hot iron in the bathroom, she walks out I walk in. That's the way it is in this place. She freaks out, I open the door. She tells me she is protecting me. She is defending me. No sorry! I'd like someone less defensive defending me, thank you.

The first time I met her she was having a moment. I got staff. I don't get paid to take care of this on my own. Madam X is sitting on the floor, she's looking all big eyed! She looks at my legs and grabs my thigh real firm like. That's okay honey! You wanna touch me you just go right on ahead. I'm not untouchable. She still taught me a lot about myself. These women might drive me crazy a little nuts some time, but they are mine. Each and everyone of them. Where are the fathers, the brothers, the sisters. I wonder where is there family is?  Where are the husbands, the fathers to these children. Why are these women out here alone?

Tell you another time they took me back to. Right back to Oregon again! That place keeps popping up. It came back after that Labor Ready background check, my Social Security number came up in Oregon. I got mine in Washington. Then it said it may not even be me. It was the first place we lived in with my new step father James. I was in preschool, the bus driver dropped me off in a snow storm. She wasn't supposed to leave if nobody was home. Well she left me anyway. Wouldn't you know it I had to pee. I literally have a bladder the size of a pee. I checked the car it was unlocked. I peed up front on the passenger side. I curled up in a ball and waited a little while. So I started honking the horn! We had a duplex and the neighbor poked her head out. She went back in. I honked again. I was the only car out there. She carried me inside and gave me a warm bath and hot chocolate. She had three daughters and the youngest had a box in the backyard. Where she liked to inside in the dark all by herself. I liked being in that box. It was just my size from knee to knee. I wonder what she saw inside?

A day or two later, I was in the back seat with my brand new step daddy and my uncle Marvin in the passenger seat. He turned around and said "knot head, you peed in the car." They both looked at me I looked at each of them, Yup, I sure did. Uncle Marvin's feet were in my pee. I thought it gross they hadn't cleaned it up. You see Uncle Marvin never got a hold of me. This ones last name is Chambers, he took out my mother, and my brother. The one who took the beating with the wire hanger for my uncles behavior. He almost got me but I told my sister. You see she got real good at fighting him off. He got his arm slammed in a few doors. Boy did she let him have it. This James barely got me. I stood in that parking lot after the divorce she tried to send me off alone with him. He wasn't even my father. I screamed in that parking lot! I won't go! No I won't! Let's just say lots of people in my life have tried to take me out, but I just keep popping up. Every where I look, well their I am again.

Now when this started I didn't know what this was about but I sure cried at a lot of rock's with feathers in my hair. Deep Deep sobs, I didn't even know I had in me. It wasn't about no one else. Just me I let it all out all my pain all my sorrows, I have no idea just what I said. I learned on this journey each time I have cried they have shown me they heard every word and I didn't even know I was praying. They let me know they heard every word. I only had a few conversations with my father, I didn't even know I felt rejected. They took me to few times he didn't even know who I was. I understood. When someone said your father said "I'm sorry" I thought it was about the bottle. That bottle is only part of the story. That wasn't the reason for the apology at all. I learned it takes me very few words to get the whole picture inside of me. It takes just a lil glance for me to see who you are. You look so familiar. Like I've seen you somewhere before.

I went to the River one day across from Si View pool. I was sitting on a rock on a island in the middle of the river. I took off my shoes and I started crying I raised my arms in the air and I let some more tears out. I was yelling it all out to them. I started picking up big rocks and throwing them in the river. I made a circle with all the colors of emotions and I cried over that. I made a circle of pain sorrow's and drugs. I cried some more and more. I picked up those rocks that lie. I swung this great big white rocks in the river screaming and yelling! I picked up one huge white rock and swung back as far as I could and I threw it in that that river, I screamed and shouted. I made a third circle of rocks I don't quiet recall, I remember one big white rock I cried over and wiped away my tears. I saw all these lil red rocks, so many were heart shaped. I wanted to take one. Just one, but I couldn't bring my self too. So I left those hearts behind. Perhaps for someone else to pick up some day. This is part of letting go, and if it really is yours, if it really was meant to be, my heart will come back to me. It's about that King of Hearts. Apparently some of us did some things just right.

02/17/2016

The third house
I will call this one Dani's house. This one is definatly my soul sister. A few years back I met a old boyfriend for a drink after I got off work one night. It was a dive bar in North Bend. It was quiet with only a few people. Their were a couple at the pool table and he was body slamming her into the pool table. I approached and said hey guys why don't we take a break a little time out for just a little while. Dani did not like this. I went to the restroom and from inside I could here her start in with Carey. I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder and I asked are you looking for me? She turned around and picked me up and threw me a good fifteen feet across the room. I slid on my ass the last 5 feet. A old man got up quaking standing between me and her as I got up. They took off running and I went after.

A few years later it turned out we worked together at that truck stop. It wasn't until I heard her mothers voice that I recognized just who Dani was. It did not matter to me. I loved this woman. It is funny how some people come back into your life good or bad and she was a good sign. She was a single mother with a 18 year old son who went to school with my daughter. Alex described him as a great big teddy bear. It turned out that I had been serving this table of young men, usually on graveyard shift. Dani also has a seven year old son. Dani sent the father of that little boy packing across seven states and she told him don't you come back near my children. Funny thing I was on my way to a A.A. meeting and I noticed him walking on the side of a road on his way to the same meeting. We gave him a ride. I knew who he was. He told me he was moving and I asked him about his son? What about him? He didn't have much of an answer. It was not for me to judge him because in AA people get second chances in life. A chance to start a new, a place to go where we love you until you can learn to love yourself.  It was after that I saw Dani again.

So much at this house. When I woke in the morning I did my usual. I took a tour of the house and land. Dani had a tear drop shape in the center of her drive way. Thier were horses roaming her property and big trucks. I picked up that Dani is confortable here, with the horses and the sound of the big trucks. When I walked her property I came upon a huge tree  that I could feel energy come off from it. At first I didn't know what to think. I had never felt such a thing. I sat down at the base of that tree just feeling the energy. When I got back around to the front she had strawberries growing at the end of her place right under her window. I stood and looked at it and I heard the song strawberry fields forever. I saw a celebration a coming on. The night before when I walked upto that property the horses circled around me. For some reason it did not scare me. Horses and me have a understanding because our history was painful. Painful for me. Painful for my ass, and my back. My 3 experiences were not pretty for either one of us. As they circled around I just accepted what I was seeing and feeling. On the chest of one was a jagged scar right between it's breast. If horses have breast I have no idea.

Dani's mother had moved in recently because she became ill. She had a cough. While they slept I sat in between them just absorbing the energy. I could see Dani's pain of her broken heart pulling her down and it was pulling her family down with her. Especially her mother, that cough and not being able to breath freely. When her mother awoke she opened these great big eyes. I started bawling and I said. Oh you love her oh so much. You are not going anywhere, yet she is so angry with you. I could see by her mothers things that she was ready to get back to the water. Dani had some Asian decal on the wall. I sensed a hint of Asian. I did not know from where but their was a hint of Asian flair. Her older son big bear was dating older women. He wanted to sleep with me. A notch on his belt you might say. I explained that would be like sleeping with my own son. I also explained to him that he needed to stop dating older women. I picked up that these young men are looking to fix another older woman they want to feed them love and be loved in return.  I explained to him why he was doing that. I told him your mother will be fine. She will go back to her true form. She will heal. I also explained about sex with someone else is about give and take. It is not a conquest but a healing for both if it is done right. That to be a true lover he had to be a giver not a taker for his own selfish reasons to make himself feel better. I could also read her kitten. I told her that all that kittens little feet pouncing on her was like beat feet. The kitten was saying wake up. Wake up. I could read her lil dog too. She was waiting for her mom to get better. I saw 7's all around her. I told her that whoever that trucker was at work that he had been watching her a long time and that her true love will be back. I saw other stuff too. Right now this is just some of it. Before I left I stuck a black feather in the ground. I do not know why I did this. It was just something I did. Leave something behind I guess. Remember this was all new to me too.

I forgot to add about the fourth house. The schizophrenics, that in that blue room was a stack of gift cards. I recognized these because I had a customer on the graveyard shift a young man who wanted to eat but none of that stack of cards worked. In the bathroom their was a hairbrush it was white. In V's yard while I was sleeping out in the camper someone had been around I found the same hairbrush but it was red with fine white cat hair. Just like the white one with the cat hair from her two white cats which slept at her feet. In the yard I found a Safeway card by the hairbrush also. No matter where I was at I always surveyed the land every morning. Right now my sweet friend is a little afraid of me. I love her very much. If what I do helps her then so be it. I love her little family very much.

The second house was a real eye opener for me. This little one has been in my life three times. She keeps pooping up. Her mother died and she was a single mother, very young with no high school education. You see she has some learning issues. She has found her nitch however, she loves cars and working on them. At the time it was just her and her little son Mason he was about one years old. She had a older woman renting the second bedroom. In the morning we all call her mamma she was getting up to go to work. It hit me that they were related long ago and that even though she has her own family she was there for her. For Alexis for her children. Mamma had no teeth she used to have a meth problem but not anymore. I picked up Dakota tribe with these two. Mamma said no I'm a black foot. I said I have no clue what that is but that they go way back. She was her grandmother from long ago. When I walked outside their were to black bear paws in stone right outside the back door. Mason woke up before Alexis this morning and I took care of him and let her sleep in. I did not know this but I could talk to babies. He wore a red t-shirt with a orange tie. He would bring me little bowls all the colors of caution and peace. He brought me little toy guns and knives all the colors of caution. He brought me a child's toilet seat ring and went and got a girl baby doll. He dunked her head first in to the toilet ring. This little one lived with her father and it was not good. He was a major emotional manipulator and abuser. I felt Cheyenne pulling inward into the fetal position. She was sad living with addicted parents. Take note to the names of her children it is crucial here. Alexis was pregnant with her third child and she was giving it up for adoption. I noticed with a lot of people that they were drawing lines. She wanted some of her money back that she loaned Alexis. I told Alexis don't you drive that white jeep. She wasn't supposed to be anyways. I told her you sale that other car and that you must put Mason in a stroller and walk. I told her she didn't have to have the whole amount just half. She did this. She got mamma her money back.

When I went to wake Alexis I sat on the floor at the foot of her bed and I took the room in. The white wolf hanging above her bed and the rebel flag caught my eye. Downstairs in her living room Alexis had shrines set up with her I guess cowgirl stuff. She had her mothers stuff all around. Her mother was close by. Her two children because they went through this with their own parents are going to be assets. I'm not to up on the Masonry but I believe that lil guy is going to be a big part of the Masonry and that things will be done right. Her little Cheyenne is really a little princess up there. These children are strong. They are a big part of this planets future. Alexis drove me to work in Fall City she had just given her son up for adoption and Mamma was there and would not let her hold that little guy. This was when things started to get strange for me. We were parked outside of my work and right before I went in I turned to her and I said "Oh Lexy, what a better gift to give up that little boy for a better life. Like God did when he gave us his son for our sins. We both started bawling. I said to her do you think I can work with this strange stuff coming out of my mouth? The next time I went to Lexi's house she had a braid in her hair it was pulled off to the side. She was holding Mason and singing to him. I walked around the corner in the kitchen and cried. It was quite a sight. In all the years this child has popped in and out of my life I had never seen her not one time do this. Lexi asked me once if I could fill in for her mother who had passed on. I would get irritated with her because she was looking for love in these guys who really just wanted someone to emotionally abuse. To use and walk away. This one really needs to love herself and find who she is first before she moves on. Like so many others. Broken people looking for love. It does not work. Oh yes Lexi's house was clean too. I was so proud. I will just continues to love her until she can love herself and pass it along to someone else worthy of her and her children. For now she's got mamma a keeping an eye on her.

It took me about a month or two ago that in each house, I was finding pieces of me. It was a gift for them to invite me in. I thought I was reading them. It turns out that I was seeing pieces of myself in each little family. I truly had no idea. Funny how things turn out.

One week before my wedding Greg was in our friends wedding. It was the wedding of the woman that I was told was my niece. My brothers daughter. I was at the reception, I was talking to someone I had dated in Jr. High. If you call one kiss after school dating and not calling each other for the rest of the summer. Curt had a bit to much to drink. Before I left for California he was going to buy a house. So I asked him how that was going? He got really angry. He spit his beer on me. What a shock. After he was taken outside and the only person he wanted to talk to was Greg. Imagine that. Greg went out and was all buddy buddy. When we got in the car I asked him if he said anything to him for what he had done? He said no. He didn't know what I had said to him. . I wanted out of that wedding. I felt stuck because we had thirty to forty friends going to Hawaii for our wedding and a huge wedding planned at round top park in Hawaii with over 100 of Elaine's relatives. What kind of man would ever allow that? Why would he ever want to marry me if he thought I was like that? Deserving to have a friend spit his beer on me. I used to say for a Chiropractor he sure was spineless. I guess you just might understand just what the rest of my marriage was like. It didn't matter how much I did, how much I did each day to pull together a two person relationship with just one person. I never stopped. I could not shut down, not with this one. I could call him and ask if he could pick up a gallon of milk on his way home from work, he would tell me no. It was right behind his office. I'd have to stop whatever I was doing and at times in the middle of dinner, I'd have to load up two baby girls, my four dogs. They were family to. I left no one behind when I went anywhere, weather appropriate I mean. Usually I had other kids over, my house was busy to say the least. You try having your dad needing a home and he only had ten minutes of memory left. Having water on the brain is like Alzheimer, only if anything changed in his environment it was like starting over and not knowing what you were doing there in the first place. His mother and sister that he had lived with for twenty years moved to California. He had to move out of a home he had for most of his life. Good or not that was his structure. He had one minute of short term memory left. It took me one year to get him settled and moving around from nursing home to nursing home until I find him a place. I knew one thing for sure I found him the perfect place, horses, a swimming pool ad Gym, with a tool shed he loved building things. He was very good. He couldn't do any of it, I knew one thing for sure, my father hated me. He blamed me for taking his freedom and taking him out of that home. I moved him out to the country surrounded by woods. It was a peaceful place. I went to the only store in town, I showed them his picture and I said, "don't you ever sale him any alcohol. I think I gave them the picture for there wall." On top of everything I took away his bottle and his freedom. No more car with a rigged ignition. Him and his dad's little practice. You know how many times a drunk loses their keys? Their cars never got stolen either. Whenever my dad would get pulled over they would just say "come one Jack lets take you home."

My dad had a sister, she was my mothers age. She became ill as a baby. High fever, 106 degrees. My grandmother said the fever killed part of her brain off. I don't know how I knew I was like twenty something, and she said this to me and my aunt was like fifty. She was five foot ten with the mentality of a five year old. She was a blast as a kid. I realized for fifty years she never learned what happened to her daughter. I said grandma, the fever did not kill her brain off, she has meningitis. I have not a clue looking back on this. I just somehow knew what she had. My grandma started crying and I didn't understand at the time what all the commotion and tears were for. I had never seen her cry. My father had bad migraines too.

It wasn't until that third place I was in I met a woman there, because she had meningitis. I'm going to give you a visual of how mortifying this would be for you. If this happened to you you be very angry. I did not know that when you have mangetouts you have a bad soar throat along with a bad migraine. She was in the shower crying she hurt so bad. The neighbors called the police, she was nude in her home and they kicked in her door. She was shocked, naked and a very large young woman. The police hand cuffed her wrist and ankles and dragged her down 3 flights of stairs. Did I mention they were kicking her in the breast? She got charged and put in the mental institution. I was the only person that she had shown. She had eggplant purple, the size of large egg plants on her breast. Oh yeah, she had to pay $1200.00 for the damage to her apartment before she could go home. She worked for a xerox company. How much money do you think she made?

This woman helped me a lot with something strange with my roommate the one with 7 kids. I looked at this young woman and I said something is going down with my roommate. Earlier that day a kid named John, he had longish black hair. I don't think and I ever spoke, it was like a understanding between us. Nothing no one would notice just the eye contact. He made me a circle with a big crow foot in the center. Three prongs in one direction and one in the the other. She made the five of cups. I made a cross with a circle around the center. I realized a couple days ago. That was a four square. Their was a drawing on the wall in the bathroom, something like a circle with a line. I drew up a couple of other cross designs, and I hung everything on the window. I knew it was going to be a long night and sure enough it was, yeah I got woke up and had to do a few things. For this one it was really a rough night. The strangest things would wake me up and I would just get up and know what to do. Somehow I knew she would be alright but she had to go through it. She fell out of bed hard, I would very calmly get the nurses and I would see the colors they were wearing and I could some how describe what was happening to her. A little while I remember two lazer lights going acrossed me and I would get up and there she would be on the floor. Two more times, two more wake up's, two more falls. The 3rd father of her children was OCD but he started doing crack and when she would see him she got nuts. She would say things like if you come near my children, I slit your fucking throat. I didn't know anything about demons back then but I understood just what she was reacting to. That man's mental illness with that drug brought out the darkness in him. I just realized, just now that was her third eye.

Now lets go back to madam-x the one with meningitis. She got really ill before she went home. f I recall it was a migraine, she left me her photo album of her family. When I saw her mother with red hair, she looked familiar, and pictures of her lil red headed niece. I knew we were meant to meet. When she explained to me what it was the symptoms of my aunt. I realized she was a baby packed in ice. A little baby with a migraine. Just like my grandma Bishop, the one with 7 lil bishops.

02/19/2016

Bad morning this morning. All these passwords and technology. Keyboards that don't work properly and back spaces that either don't backspace or deletes every thing.  I bounce around as much as I can doing this blog and today the Government tried shutting me down. Got to the library and my card and Michael's card has been canceled.  I imagine that? This is not a threat to the citizens of Washington, but to the ones trying to shut me down, I've got one thing to say, don't even think about touching me or my family. I go down and so does this planet if I disappear. Nothing I can do about this, I was surprised myself to learn of this and just who it is I represent. They let me know upstairs that every veteran who has passed on is my family. I not only have the backing of this Washington, but two Washington's. It turn's out I have 4 schools. I love these names. Hazen High School, Renton High School, Lindberg High School, and Liberty High School. Pretty interesting for them to show my just who it is I represent. I'm done with this shit. All these passwords and software applications that want to take over and gather information, bouncing from computer to computer with keyboards that don't delete or they delete everything. If I could sit on a computer and just tell this story everyday and night I would. It seems I have hit a soar spot telling everyone just what all this stress that we all feel is really all about. These homeless people are mostly physically ill, disabled, our veterans, you all judge these drug addicts. You try being rejected, the black sheep who came here and took on these burdens so you wouldn't have to. For you, your children, your planet. Thinking that this time around it's all about deserve. Not even close. It is about worthy.

So many scams out here in a system that makes money off these people. Charging for all these background checks, that these companies can sign up for for one bulk price. Background checks on people in these programs that are to give them a leg up, a new start. Try being disabled and getting the check from somewhere else and dropping it off. I did this and I walked 3 miles to and from a church for the check because I didn't have a bus ticket. Dropped it off in Issaquah the next day and I waited at a bus stop that was still there and I waited over an hour to find out it was no longer in use. I filled out everything right up front about me and my two children. Got a call at this day center. I repeated everything on the phone. I filled out the 8 page application also and I got dinged for something I told them right up front on the first form. Oh yeah I also almost missed having a roof over my head for the night trying to make it back in three hours.

What about another woman in this house 18 months without her teeth. She had been showing up and calling and they claimed they couldn't find her file. She goes in and they show her her file and the dentist was charging her for teeth being pulled that she no longer had. She freaked, started yelling and they called the police on her.

How about Nancy W. I worked with her 26 years ago at Boeing, I did not recognize her at first. She was on the phone and she said her name. She was a single mom and she worked for Boeing for 11 years and a elevator shaft fell on her head. She didn't get Workman's Comp the first year at all. Her stocks that she invested in all those years ago cannot be located. Her nephew works in HR and he told her brother in law he emptied her account. When we went to Boeing and all around trying to track it down no luck. An awful lot of passwords and phone holding on her short term disability she was missing checks and the wouldn't fax a certification to the bank that she can't find her stocks from.  What do you think happens to your money if you fall between the cracks in this system?

It was three years ago I asked myself who profits from this Nation going down? All these fines and treatment centers that most are a joke. Why is it 3 years ago I slept in a house with ten other woman in the same room and I am the only one that got bit from head to toe?

One night out there a man was parked down by Cadman's mine. We started talking and he said he is getting bit up now by something and he can only see things in ribbons. I told him what happened to me up at Cadman's mine the day before. I was standing in front of Warrior Number two. Just watching things. I can't remember what I saw to my right. It was something. I glanced to my left and saw a black truck going in. Their were two following me the dishwashers and an older one. So I decided to take a walk. I didn't even know I could getto the mine from there. It was closed. A single man on a motorcycle black helmet comes up to my left. One thing I learned is I hide in plain sight and safety in numbers. I'm not going to be up there alone when it was closed. I took off through the bush's I didn't take the trails so they wouldn't see my footprints in the animal shit. I tore all the way down and I came out on the freeway off ramp going West. Right there on the ground was a stick caked with black oil about 18 inches. I ran to the stop sign and for some reason I took that black oil and I ran it across that road. I walked up to the sidewalk and I stood in front of that Travel Centers of America. I stood in plain site if someone was going to grab me they were going to have to do it in front of everyone. I had so many people not liking just what I was learning about what was really on that land.

That guy went up to the mine on his own. I came walking out from behind Edgewick Hotel. That guy was waiting for me. He had strapped to his waist two bones. I had asked him for some water and all he had was water in a smelly old alcohol bottle. I explained to him that if I do something strange to let it go, I am supposed to do it. That night the gates were opened to Cadman mine and a car had it's head lights on coming right for me. I took that smelly water and I spit three times in front of the gate area and then I took that water bottle and started spinning it around that water flew out in a perfect circle. The car coming out seemed like he was expecting me. He even waved. I took that kid to Gary and Gary said those bones look like a big ant skull. I said it looked like a ghost with black eyes and their is no light in the dark in those eyes. The kid left with the bones to get analyzed somewhere else. He told me some things that he knew. He taught me a few more things. That night I didn't sleep in my usual place in my own area away from Gary. For some reason I would not leave him. It was more like I was protecting him from something. I slept cross wise at his feet. I slept at the edge of those weird holes. In the morning when I awoke, I was talking to Gary and a Toad pops up right beside me, then two black moles then the small bag of donuts started vibrating like their were snakes in it. I jumped up and said I am out of here. I walked out to the driveway shaking myself off. I took a deep breathe and I went back into the woods. Gary had this white wispy stuff that looked like a big eagle or crow sitting on a branch in a tree. I was walking to the West of the hole I looked over to it and it looked like one huge white rat. I stepped in front of it and it looked just like a big possum with a big stick going through it's mouth. I asked Gary if it was his and he started freaking out, it was like he couldn't see it. They told me what to do to dispose of it. That was when I noticed that the white smear marks that I knew had something to do with our sperm, I could see the animal faces in those tree's. Most were nice. Some not so nice. So I stood in front of each face and I twirled my hand up words to the sky and after awhile I turned those frowns into smiles.

Did I tell you about the day I walked into a bear in the woods. I was wearing my pinks for my children. I almost took off running up a tree anywhere else but there. For some reason I just relaxed and hooked my thumbs in my lil backpack and me and Mother Bear stood there and stared at each other for about three minutes then she swung her head and took off back into the woods. It wasn't until much later after Micheal returned to himself that Michael explained to me that in Native beliefs that was an honor of some sort. It wasn't until much later also that Michael finally told me just where the accident happened outside my work one night when he came to pick me up that A Elk ran right into his car. It was at that pipe that I spent hours cleaning out. I didn't understand how that happened. Michael had never had a ticket. It was under the light with no trees around. It was right at that time that this vision quest began for me. I told you I get my information from Micheal. He knows so much more than he thinks. Sometimes Michael gets to talking to much in details that don't matter, but I told V it is when he says very few words that he says just the right words that I needed to hear.

What about the pit bull at my face. I waved a cigarette pack at the truck stop with some notes, it was nothing really, I stepped away and a trucker got out and took it and went to his truck and I waited, I came back he replaced it. I picked it up and took it to a house with a pit bull. I sat on the ground and started drawing a small circle in the rocks. I kept my head down. That pit bull stayed back so many feet and never came near me. How I knew to do this stuff I have no idea, but if it is for my children then so be it. Any day, any minute, hands down, I will fight for my babies.

I had spread river water all over a bone yard in the back of those woods along the edge of Cadman mine. I was ingingthis Land is Your Land and praying. It wasn't until about two months later that a Snq. P.D. officer told me that it was about a month a go that another man stepped on a mine back there. Thanks a lot guys. Couldn't of told me that sooner?  Apparently I walked through a mine field. I also found out that their were bones that weren't human found up on Mt. Si.

Another day I was going around the woods and I was flowing my hands up spelling out LOVE. Then it hit me how the love was turned to EVOL. I started taking the EVOL and pushing it down into the ground. Slapping my hands all down my body and pushing that EVOL into the ground. It hit me the the EVOL is the sex, the shame, the guilt, the pasay attitude toward rape and all this child molestation. I got angry. After I threw the apples in that pit with my blood and urine the next morning I came out of the storage unit and made out of the pine needles and leaves it made a big open mouthed pacman. I walked by and put my half eaten apple in it's mouth. Another time I took a apple and I made crosses on the pavement around that truck stop. Sorry if it scares you but I do what I have to do  for my family and it might be a little unusual, I had no idea what this was about, but I heard once and said to a policeman, sometimes you have to go back to the beginning to fix what is broken today.

I stood outside that BBQ place at night time working with my 3, 6, and 9's. Now I didn't go past ninth grade math, apparently I didn't have too. I just knew in that Angel Book 101 that an Angel worked with numbers. Who else would know what to do with these numbers but Those Angels Upstairs I now call my family. They are the ones who work through me everyday. It is their essence inside me. Those Angels are my brothers and sisters too people. I wrote in a letter a long time ago. I'm so sorry for placing my fears up on you, but if you are going to have me in your life you have to accept that I am a vessel for God. A lot I wrote back then I have no idea what I said, they only let me know lil bits and pieces as I go along this vision quest.

I met another man in protective custody. His name was Michael, he bailed himself out of jail. He used the words that he felt like he was swimming in a sea of sharks just like I wrote in my original poem. He also had a broken right hand.  He also looked familiar and we started comparing notes. His wife had the third eye and voice she took Paxil and lost her vision, her voice. She came from a country that had no Gov't and she committed suicide. He was dating a woman at the time that someone murdered their own family here in Snoqualmie on Christmas a few years back and it turns out we crossed paths at that truck stop. We just got some things figured out and he went to DSHS the next day and he got a blood clot and never returned. While I was out there after I got out because I went right back to that truck stop when I got back. I was behind the motel and I got up and walked behind Warrior number two I was talking to that red head in my mind. Some of my stuff went missing again and I thought he wanted me to do something else. I wasn't going back in those woods after I ran into him. I said "oh hell no" I stomped my right foot. I turned around and went back to the pathway behind the Motel and I heard if I want to save Michael I would come into the woods. There was a van with a green and black plaid jacket in the seat. My eye went to the direction of the scratch marks which were all pointing back into that direction. I went back into the woods and I had to dig out a tree that the roots looked like a talon. I could not break any of the roots.

The other man I met in protective custody, his name was Mark. He had arthritis really bad he could hardly move. He kept tapping his third eye. I told him you get rid of this pain somehow and you will start to see what you are supposed to. The pain was blocking him.

I met a woman named storm. I liked her. She was tall thin and wiry. She was here to identify a woman named Wendy who's body was found in suitcase on the side of the highway. She was hiding from a old boyfriend who wanted to find her. She felt he had something to do with it. He painted police cars for a living and he would always play this old song from the seventies and he would start saying these cold, odd things under his breath. She would ask him what he said and he would say nothing. Nothing at all. He creeped her out.

Gary has a son named storm and he wants one day of being normal to spend in the garden with his new granddaughter. My friend in here has seven children and a son named storm. One day after a couple months of me going from place to place and appointment to appointment I decided on a Sunday when everyone was going to church that I would go into the TV room and spend some time alone, another woman walks in Homeless seven children, red heads. I went to the park.

I think it was the next day I got called into the direction further behind the Motel and I walked into the woods where the bear came out of and I could see a mans legs in boots. I turned around pissed off yelling "Are you kidding me?" I knew who it was but I had enough of these guys popping up. He was standing by a oil can. It was the guy that I confronted in the restaurant. I think he was a propane tank driver. He looked so familiar. He had the same last name as people from my child hood here in Renton. So I had my red headed lion. Because I learned that these red's are my lions. That other guy represents the bear.

So much more to tell. but it's time to log off. Going to South Center to apply for a server job. I want to work. I'm tired of getting blocked and being broke. I want my life back. It's the place that it was a e-mail from three years ago and I can't get on. I called the South Center number and it was another tracker saying that my number was not registered with them and they wanted information. After I hung up it dials back. This is B.S. all the way around. I tried doing a recording so you all can here me speak and just understand that even though I did this I am a normal outgoing person. I just have a few extra gifts that I didn't know about.

Have you all noticed that we have way more people coming out of the closet about being gay or bi-sexual? Has it ever occurred to anyone that battle and the hard roads these people went through, a lot of these people lose their families, their friends, their loved ones? So many have been beaten and abused it is so not funny.  Have you noticed more women born with dicks? More hermaphrodites just accepting who they are and being true to themselves. Imagine their childhood? What it was like for them growing up? I think at first they wanted me to say I don't care I accept them. I don't care who they love, like my ex-husband when I walked out of his office, I stopped and I said "are you kidding me? He's gay? Is that what this is all about? I walked out and shook my head and said how could I not see that before? Did he stick a crazy label on my head because of my mother? Because he could? Is that why I lost the people who stepped in as my parents? Because of his lies all to save face? I truly don't care if he is a conversation would of been nice and it explained so much. I kept seeing brother fighting brother back then. Like a Cane and Abel feel. You know what I see in people who come out of the closet, the men who dress as women and the women who dress as men? I see courage.

That man who I hung out with and observed the one who lives in those woods around that truck stop, the one the police kicked out and tore down his home. The very police that I assure you with all the crazy stuff he did with donuts may have saved their lives. I was walking out one day by the side of that motel a trucker asked me some questions and nothing came up about a fire. Next thing you know a policeman show's up and they want me 86'd off the property, because some trucker said something about a campfire. Gary has never had a fire back there. Not one time, the manager got panicked. I never caused any commotion there, I stayed on the outskirts not interfering with the business. I even interviewed there and the owner really liked me. I'm sure whatever I did saved that business. You see their were all these ants crawling all along that black cable that goes around that lawn and I would get a septic smell. One day I took everything I had gathered that day out of my pockets. A couple rocks and flowers, I laid them all out on a cement block and I stood there waving my hands around for awhile. I have no idea why. The next time I went back the ant's were gone and that sewage smell went away.

So many night's I went around that black pit and I placed thing's around it. Once it was the coke can's with peoples names on them Gary said something about a tsunami and all those missing people. Some trucker took some so I got more and I opened each one and took a drink and I stuck purple flowers in them. Another night I placed a couple things around and at times trucks park along that cement block facing South. I didn't want whatever was going to hit to take that truck out or those trucks parked down that line all the way to that Shell gas station. I placed a knife in the ground in between that pit and that truck, the second time I placed a big bolt in the ground with a square on top. and the third night I placed a spoon. I went to take a picture of the spoon and when I looked through the camera lens the tip of the spoon was all lit up red. I would take my eye away and it looked normal. I had to do stuff like this four times.

Another day I was in town and on my way back I found a orange pair of scissors sitting on a guard rail. I picked them up and I went to the corner of that truck stop by the TA sign and I stuck them in the ground. This was a very orange time. The color orange and caution kept coming up. Now if you ask me why I did these things, I just did, I have no idea. I agreed, that is all I know. I went through a boiled egg stage I had to stand along North Bend Way at a intersection and eat a hard boiled egg. It had something to do with King County and Snoqualmie Police Department working together. Hey I just had to go through the motions. I never hurt anyone, not one time. One day I walked into North Bend and I saw my friends cat flattened with it's tail skinned. I took my water and poured it around it with a line through it and I slammed a rock down in the middle of it. I had to walk around the circle by Les Schwab counterclockwise 3 times and then I stood in front with my feet spread wide and I had to take my hands out to the side stopping in between and bring my hands together into a point pointing up to the sky. I left a black feather and I walked away. I have no idea what all I did anymore but if it was for my children and all my friends children then so be it.

Gary wants his OCD to end, he wants a normal life again. He can't stop collecting rocks and seeing the faces. When I was young my mother told me that I would take bags of rocks and store them under my bed. He wants to know if dogs can have a park to go to why can't he have a place too? He has been 86'd out of every place for standing outside and collecting rocks. People assume he is on meth and drugs. The only drug charge he has ever had was weed. Years ago. The cops harass him and he hurts no one. The last time I saw him I was walking out of his place and a cop saw me and started to say something to me like I live there. I said no I don't live here. I was visiting a friend. Where else do you go to visit someone when they live outside? They can't have a guest? The cop knew who I was, he hadn't seen me for awhile but seriously, what a asshole. For a homeless person Gary kept his place clean. He had everything sorted that no one understood, (but I understood somehow, he never explained, I just watched) by color and elements. When I was there he would have something metal and big set somewhere out around me, so that when lightning hits it will hit that and not us. He left some food out to donate back to the animals and earth as a thank you for letting him live there and that man is shunned by society. That man is in touch with the planet and stars and he is labeled a schizophrenic for being in tune with his environment. He could talk and understand the birds. He could see deep inside someone and read who they really are inside and what they are thinking without saying a word to him.  He told me a story once when he had a home he had a dog that kept pissing in the house and Gary had had enough so he peed in a cup and threw it in the dog bed with the dog in it. He heard the dog say, "it's about time." Part of acceptance is just listening and not judging. I never laughed so hard. He was a very nice man. He allowed me into his home to share his life with me and trust me so I could learn from him just to see what is going on.

One day I was walking I think by the Gull Station and I never wore braids but that day I had two in my hair with feathers, I had my lil backpack purse on that Kiley got me with a striped rolled blanket that Kiley gave me. I was carrying it in the bottom loops of that backpack and I walked by a guy with big blue eyes and stark white hair and another red bike. His name was Scott I went to J. High with him and he worked at Tommy's when I was younger he was a server he had three boy triplets, I asked do I know you? He said no. I walked on. Another day I was walking through the parking lot of warrior number two and a guy that looks like another classmate of mine had a red Mustang and he stood wearing red and black with his armed crossed looking at me. I did not speak to him but I just noticed. He looked like a classmate with the name E.V. I remembered V. That is how I got the word evolved.
I know now that that evolution is inside me.

When I started this I came here with one small backpack and a small suitcase. Now I have four. It doesn't matter how hard I try to keep things compact and small, stuff just keeps growing. A couple of nights ago, I lost my own bag, because I haul other women's bags in and out of the trailer. I do it for the women who are weaker and hurting from all the other diseases that causes them pain daily. Then staff pops up with yet another bag I had out there. I'm standing there saying I have lost my own baggage. I don't like excess baggage. Some days I just want to carry my own bags not someone else's. The good thing is now the other women who are younger and stronger pitch in and help each other out. I let people know in advance if my back hurts to bad so I don't leave these women hanging. It's called communication. So many of these women are out here due to surgery and illness. Can you imagine having surgery or arthritis and not having anywhere to rest your head, to heal for a day? Food for thought if you think you have it bad, look at homeless person carrying their backpack. Sometimes the zipper comes open and stuff they need falls out. Like I.D., and medicine.

I have a older woman in here with I believe Parkinson Disease, she had breast implants done in 1981. They are leaking now and they hurt her everyday. The insurance won't cover it. The company quoted her $16,000.00 to have them removed and that is just a bunch of B.S. I'm tired of looking at insurance and all the fine print on the bottom, all those exclusions which pretty much excludes things people need. This Apple Health isn't so bad but in order to change something like an address you have to call three different places and sit on hold for so long. Things need to mainstreamed without all this grey matter in the middle of all this insurance B.S. We have so many programs out there which needs to mainstreamed in one location like these DSHS offices. This disability taking two years to get approval and help is a big crock.

02/20/2016

One afternoon I decided to take a nap. I was pretty much wide awake the whole time out there, but on this day I got a deep sleepy feeling. I laid down with my head propped up an a piece of wood, in my usual place. I heard and felt this water breaking on my head. Not like water splashing on me but I heard like a porp noise. When I awoke the ground was shaking I flipped over onto my hands and knees and I started yelling for Gary. I ran around to where Gary's area was and he was gone. I kept yelling for him and it was getting darker and darker. I ran out of the woods. I shook it off and walked back in I was looking and yelling for Gary. I grabbed his stuff that was valuable to him and his sleeping bag and I stuck it behind the red rock. I can't remember what I did for the rest of the evening but I was getting tired. I tried going back in to the woods and the palette that I was sleeping on looked like bear claw marks going down it. I knew then they didn't want me in the woods. I grabbed the blanket Kiley gave me. It was one of those Mexican blankets it was brown and white striped. I wanted to go sleep where I usually did in the golden field and I tried walking over there but for some reason King County was all over the place. Not one Snoqualmie Policemen around which was unusual. So I went behind the lil blue church at Warrior Number Two. I curled up in a ball and put the blanket over my head. I knew I looked like a rock. I awoke at about three a.m. I come walking out and right in front of me was King County with it's head lights on aimed right at me. I walked over and used the restroom at T.A. and when I came out I sat on a bench at the East side of a building and I started rubbing a knot in my neck. I knew Greg was asleep so somehow I tuned into him and I used his hands in my mind as I used my own hands, I visualized him getting in deep under the muscles and nerve's in my neck. I visualized him working energetically to loosen up the tiny grit feeling in my neck. It took about 15 minutes and when I was done so was the pain. I know someday I'm going to teach him to connect with people energetically sending currents from his fingers into a patient. He is capable now he just doesn't know it yet.

That sound when the water sound awoke me on my head reminded me right away of when I had my epidural with Kiley and I felt and heard a pop sound, Greg heard it too. He thought to himself you just fucked up my wife. It was weird how my mind went right to it. I don't know if I told you this but Kiley came here for Alex. I think it has to do with her sister being in Thailand so far away. Alex wasn't always the nicest to her lil sister but if Kiley had a night terror Alex stepped right up and put her arms out protectively around her sister and she would tell people to stand back. That she doesn't know what she is doing. Alex would take over. One other night when Kiley had a night terror we were Living at Rock Creek Ridge and I had a bunk bed that was a double on the bottom and a twin on the top. I installed a extra rail for Kiley. Kiley was standing at the foot of the bed and I couldn't reach her very well. Kiley was screaming and moving around, plus I knew I wasn't tall enough or strong enough to grab her and pull her down. After that Alex took the top bunk and she hated the top bunk. She felt to claustrophobic.

One night I had a dream after my Grandma died. My dads mother. I only had it one time but I never forgot it. It was at my grandma's house and there were all these colorful women flying around my grandma's room and my Aunt Judy's room. They had kinky curly hair and they were all the colors of the rainbow. They were laughing and they didn't have legs the bottoms of them were wispy like air. When Kiley was little I used to tell her if you close your eye's you can see the leprechauns and fairies if you just relax and turn off your mind. With Alex she was the flowers. I hung flowers and fairies in their rooms with glow in the dark stars and at tonight when I turned off the light there rooms would light up.

About four or five months into this vision quest I asked Kiley, do you think fairies are bad? She said no. I asked if their was such things as fairy magic would that be bad to you? She said no. I don't know how to explain this but for about a month people were looking and dressing like fairies around me. These tights and leggings with skirts. We had a young one in here and I could tell she had a connection to animals. She had a bunny rabbit even. We had two preying mantis who lives at a apartment complex we would walk by sometimes. Another young one from here walked by one day and smashed one with her fist. Out of the blue. I liked that we had a couple preying mantis. I thought of it as a good omen. House full of women with that insect, pretty sweet to me. She took it in and took care of it. We would sit with it on our shoulders. Then one day she found a coin, kind of like I find unusual coins. Her coin had four animals on one side with a verse on the back. I felt it was fitting.

The first coin I found was the red coin from A.A. that I found in my suitcase for my one year being sober. I hadn't even realized it had been one year. Then one day I found a European coin, it was a dime and Michael said it was worth eleven and a half cents. This was just a sign of Europe coming back up again. I carry it in my back pack still. Then about a month ago I was up by King and Bunny's in Renton and I found a dime with a woman on it with wings coming from a helmet. I couldn't read the date, but I carry it. Lets not forget the pennies for a few day's I found nothing but pennies in my path.

02/21/2016

I think I forgot to tell you that when Mason brought me those bowls with his little toy gun and knife in caution colors, he brought me two names in two different bowls. One was Jeb, I didn't even know anything about Jeb Bush running for President. I overheard him say something about the United States being run with heart and how it's gotten so bad. I know what club's this family runs in. Those Bush boys, have been on this Rodeo Ride before. They don't mess with Iran. Wasn't their something about a burning Bush in the Bible? But hey what's in a name anymore, Right? Lets continue to follow the dollar signs and all this war, instead of our constitution. Our four Fathers when things were still messed up but things were changing for the better back then. The other name I pulled was Meg or was it Gem? I'm not sure but I met a Meg in this house. She kept yelling at everyone to shut up, and be quiet. I understood Meg was wanting peace. Long ago I was sitting in a rocking chair so overwhelmed, I was on overload and that last straw was ready to break. I prayed for peace. I kept saying "all I want is peace."

When I first went to A.A. however many years back, I read the 12 steps, and The Promises, and The Traditions. I thought to myself, "yeah, I lived my life like that." How in the hell did I get here? I really didn't even like alcohol. It made me kind of tired and I didn't like being tired. Looking back I forgot about that pain between my shoulder blades. When I had a glass of wine while making dinner, it warmed that spot and it eased the pain. The Chiropractic adjustments were not holding and I never knew what was wrong. I don't even think I mentioned that pain to any doctor, neurologist or pain clinic. I got used to it, I guess.  Do you see how the 12th step is the promise's? I do. I like that number twelve now that I understand. You see the ones who have truly suffered with alcohol and drugs had the answers all along. My problem was, I wasn't understanding because I didn't understand the strange things that were happening to me in my life and why some people acted so extreme toward me. It seem's some people just don't know what they are looking at and they would get angry, like they wanted me to do something. On this journey living the twelve steps out there, I got answers, and it made the acceptance part so much easier. I'm hoping I am giving you some answers and some peace of mind. That will help you on your journey to sobriety.

Don't get me wrong, you still have to get right with God. This is no means a excuse to go out and fill that hole in your heart with more poison. I hope that you understand that they see the bigger picture and they have a plan for each one of us. Not just me people. It's not just my journey but as I share it with you, I am passing the LOVE on to you. So you can heal inside and stand strong. I'm going to need my warriors one day. Safety in numbers, together we stand united and we will lift that dark cloud over our sisters and brothers, that demon in that swill and drugs. In the program they talk about your addict being out there doing push ups in the parking lot. For some of us that is more real than you know. Remember when you pray, their is always someone praying against you. That is Okay with me. For everyone against each one of you, we each have two more. Two more parent's and two more parent's for many many generations going all the way back. That is why we have two parent's a man and a woman.

I was walking one day I think from taking pictures under the bridges. I posted some of them. Very interesting, I will tell you what I saw now that thing's are finally dawning on me. I was walking on the trail going East back to the truck stop. I was walking by the cougar and bear reserve in front of Mt. Si. A reply came out of my mouth out loud. Brother does not lie with sister. That is disgusting. When I got back behind that hotel. I stepped to a certain location, I was facing the woman, the pregnant bird to the South. I flexed my hips forward and I orgasmed. Just like that. Fully dressed. I thought it had something to do with the mountain, but I was wrong. Gary was sleeping about two to three feet in front of me.

The next morning Gary kept saying out loud "girlfriend come in her panties." I got tired of hearing it, and I was getting angry. It was freaking me out. I had my back to him and he kept coming up behind me and doing like this long sniff up my back. He never touched me. I kept asking him to stop. Gary had just given me the knife the night before. I had it at my back. It was like he could not hear me. I started screaming at him, to STOP! It's like you can't even hear me. I had to stay away from him for two days afterwords. The next morning I tried coming back and it was the same thing. By the third day he was back to normal. I was a little Leary for a little while. I kept seeing something spray inside my head. Gary started laughing and he sprayed his drink all over my foot. I started to crack up. He didn't know just what I thought was so funny. But I did. My first night that I slept outside in that Golden field against that cement block, when I awoke the next morning I came out and went right and standing right there was Gary.  He didn't go to his place. He stayed close by. The next day after I freaked out and ran out of the woods when the ground was shaking I come walking out alone and there was Gary again. I knew he was there for me. Not to harm me, but a safe person for me to look into their lives and spend a little while. For the longest time I thought of Gary as a father figure, now I see he is another brother. He is not some pervert or freak, he was very respectful unlike most of the men I had come across. So please no one bother him, if you know who I am talking about. That man just want's his life and family back, he doesn't understand just who's Son he really is. Remember J.C. didn't have a good time of it. Gary's life crashed right around my divorce and I didn't know him then. I have always said, from the beginning that when the time comes, that was when I didn't know what it was all about, to just let him go. I have seen Gary connect upstairs and he doesn't remember it. Gary is one that will be a huge asset to this place. He is so connected up there and this planet. He was made to look this way for a reason. I owe so much to him for everything. Have you heard the stories of JC disguised as a bum? I said to V once and we weren't talking about Gary, would people visit JC in a castle? Probably not. So please let him be, each person's journey is there own. It has been hard on me not to pull him out of those woods myself. Thy will not mine on this one. Gary is watched very closely.

When they brought up the brother and sister thing about us sleeping together, and I got disgusted, it was their way of breaking me into the next step. I somehow heard I had married my brother and in my mind I bent over and heaved as I grabbed my own stomach. Then after they told me those red heads were my sisters from another place and time after I sliced my palm, I remember I looked to my left and He was standing there , actually two brothers in the same place at that T.A. counter working as a cashier. That was when I realized that red head was my brother from another place and time. I knew he looked familiar. Some day's I still want to throttle him, some days I want to hug him and not let go. The day I wrote "brother where art thou" on my Facebook post.  I was walking back into town on a Sunday when I got stranded again in North Bend.  Three nights every time. It was the day I put my panties on the end of the staff with that special aura, that special scent I guess, I was walking from the bus stop by the Senior Center and I put my arms by my side, palms up again. I was walking, crying and singing Kumbaya. I started bawling each time I got to someone is dyeing. I knew that someone was me. I still can't touch my babies faces, I can't tell them anything yet. Just one more time before I go.

When I got to Kent, and I took pictures of the park across the street. It was a circle of water surrounded by a ring and then a ring of water. I knew it had something to do with the planet, I just wasn't sure just what yet, even if I did, I'm kept pretty busy each day back then. When I saw the Book of Enoch on u tube, not the one where the guy sits and talks about it. The one with the video game that was used for effects, that was when it hit me. I said something about two rings, I was talking about the universe. Later I realized their are three rings. I took a picture of a woman here with her grandchild sleeping on her chest. Actually that baby girl held on for dear life when she slept like that. It now reminds me of our primates. It has nothing to do with race people, not color anyways, just our primates. It was this woman who had a lot of pain inside her. She was here with three daughters and two grandchildren. I learned right away that these women represent family. It was one of her daughters that I goofed off with. She reminded me of Gus from Cinderella. I loved her so much. I told her mother that and we had a good laugh. Madam L I will call her. She was the one who told me, you gotta a lil black in you. We all do. How do you think we have hid under the shadow of darkness for so long? Time to start healing people.

One afternoon I went to the library to get on the computer. For some reason I decided to go for a walk. I went right to that bridge across from the water refinery or sewage refinery rather. I noticed right away where the direction of things, the weird holes under there and the faces on the cement cylinders. I got a cement wall under the road. I took pictures of another schizophrenics home. She or someone had painted alien's with the one big eye above it like on our dollar bill. She to kept her home very clean. Another day I went back because that is where I went searching for my pink bag with all me and my children's I.D. were stolen along with my car. The morning I heard someone in my apartment. I now know it was my brother the one with red hair. I was taking pictures of the river and the direction of the tree's. I got half down that trail and there in the center was purple bike on it's side. I took pictures of the lil flowers and the other intricacies I saw. I went up to the bridge that said Pacific North West. Someone gave me a sweatshirt that said North Face. In my head it was face North. I had to wear it a few times and set it on a rock facing the haystack. The day I felt 17 and was following all the sign's in the sand and rocks, when I first entered under the bridge by Mt. Si. it looked like eggs to me. All those white rocks. I'm getting the impression it has to do with our eggs. All our little babies here on this planet. I was getting the impression they were at risk.

One evening I don't think I was in North Bend anymore just visiting I went out to that pit and some of my missing tampons were laid out opened up like lil angel wings. Yup! I could of used those a time or two, thanks brother. On another day I think it was right before I was leaving North Bend. It was a sunny day and I took one step up onto that curb and a pain hit me in the rib's. I grabbed that spot, then another pain shot in my spine, then another. I kept getting hit. I got in front of Warrior Number Two and a sharp pain hit above my left eye. Right in my migraine spot. I grabbed my head and I got to the corner and I stood bent over holding my head for a few. By the time I got to Gary it had resided and in a few it went away. It was weird. Whatever they were doing to me some of this stuff hurt like a son of a bitch.

When I got to Kent, it was like all the pain in my spine was back. I felt older not young and free anymore. Like I said I got a place to go and I go. I was told their was a job fair. I decided to walk. Big mistake. Hot day, with a backpack. I found a large screw again with a square on top. I walked for what felt like miles with it. I got to the US flag and I stuck that screw in the ground. I think I said a prayer and I walked on. Lost as usual, I couldn't find the place. I had a rock in my hand I walked to some motel by Highway 18 and I threw the rock and it landed on a sewer grate. By the time I had found the job fair for a farming warehouse it had just locked up.

One evening I had just left Michael and I had done some things at this intersection at the bus stop. There was a sign across the street. It said Monkey in red, so I decided to go back and see just what this place was. It said the year of the MONKEY. It was closed. I got back on the bus and I curled up like a cat in the seat. I lost track of time again. I looked out the window and there on both sides were all these lit up monkeys on both sides of me. They were lighting up running down both sides of the building. I about flipped my lid inside. I was hungry, lost, and really late getting back. You see out here food stamps only work in certain places, certain area's. Then I saw Safeway up ahead. I was so relieved. I grabbed a sandwich and waited for the bus on the other side. I made it back here just in time. Always someone else's timeline. Not mine. T.V. off at 7:45, for some of the other women on the van by 8:30 to go to the church. This where hurry up and wait kicks in. We get woke up at 5:45, I'm usually awake already, we hurry up and do chores and clean the church back up, load up the cot's mat's and bags the they wait for the next ride. Usually about 45 minutes they wait. Then if we get here early we wait out in the rain until it open's at 7:00 a.m. It's just the way it is for now. The people that work here have to prepare and set up and you can't do that with 20 to 30 women a coming through the door. Imagine being hurt or ill with some disease and having to do this. So many of these people are out here because of all the landlord/tenant B.S.

Someone I knew once had a month before his lease was up. He was getting strong armed to renew for a higher price. This happens so much to people these big jumps in rental prices until people can't afford it anymore. Apartments less than par. Small square footage for a high price. The rent is outrageous. It was outrageous twenty plus years ago in California. I noticed all these homeless people standing on expressways before I moved back to Washington like they were getting closer. I know the Mayor is wondering why all these people moving to the PNW. It's because this Washington is a hot spot. Just like that place where ISIS was destroying all this history and no one did anything at all. Why all the fear if it's not true? I wonder just what it is ISIS fears? They had no right to destroy that history, it wasn't there's to do such a thing. So many people fighting over land and history that does not belong to anyone, but all of us.

02/22/2016

I got off at the park and ride in Renton, I had never been there. Lost again, I walked up to the main road and there on my left there were these big circles on post, they were purple also. I liked the one with the big eye. I find it funny how some of the architecture and art work in Renton, Seattle and Kent go right along with everything I had discovered. Even the circles on the ground I think for power lines all faced in certain directions and places. All along I-5 is Boeing. I went to the Senior Center one day just to look around and under a bridge was a big piece of wood, it looked like a big historic salmon. I saw that in Seattle across from The Monkey. Even the art work going into Seattle says a lot for what is going on. All those artist had a good eye. Behind the Senior Center in Renton is a plaque for our Veterans, The Renton Lion's club is big in Renton and a art piece of a ship with different shapes I think it spoke of brotherhood. Renton definitely represents. I also found out it is the Year of the Monkey. Interesting huh?

The place at the end of Tanner Road down at the river where I would go to get a drink of water and wash off on those hot days, I was sitting on a big rock in the river. I looked down and a rock looked like the bag of a demon dog. It represented the man who raped me. When his fist were coming down on my head and jaw he had this look on his face he didn't look human. I tried rebuking him, and then I said "oh shit, your real." I can't remember right off the top of my head but I saw the head of a serpent and another rock looked like a big bull. I started twirling my hands, I guess clearing it out. It was about dusk and when I looked over in the underbrush of the tree's it was all black. I hadn't noticed it before, I looked further down and it looked like a wrecked pirate ship and there was like a doorway and a couple of other things I saw that looked very old from the pirate days. I sat there with my hand's flowing again for about an hour. I wasn't thinking to much. I started laughing and thinking of Alex. This one was going to enjoy learning from me. Truly I don't have spells, I just let them use my hands and body to do what ever they need doing.  I am not a witch or have I ever practiced witch craft of any kind. I once read a chapter about Wicca, it looked like to much work to me. To revolve my life around the moon. No thank's. Out there and out here I notice certain things about me revolve around the moon, and the new moon. I had to look up new moon. I was shocked to read some of the poetry that some of these women write. Nothing like reading the writing of someone who has walked the talk. It is all heart in those words. One woman in particular that I said represent family, her poetry was about the New Moon, New Day and New Dawn. I don't show people my journals. They aare for my children to read someday. It is for them to understand. I also noticed my periods usually revolve around this time now. They last 3 days. When I spoke to him on the phone I said something about my periods, but I didn't understand at the time what it meant. I just knew that it had something to do with them. I have been fortunate I don't get moody around my menstrual like some women do. I don't even get cramps.

In the place I called seventh heaven I met a young boy, about 17 I think or was it 15? He told me he lived by Ocean Shores and then the night I got out I met up with a friend of a friend and she told me she had a little brother that lived there about the same age. I knew then it was her little brother. It was her father's son. They were half brother and sister. I met another woman she was Asian, I liked her name. She was a little out there. I wore these adidas sweats with three white stripes down the legs. Whenever I put my hands on my hips she told me I exude all this power. She said it is a energy that goes into her. I laughed. I said if I do this then tell me how to reel it in? She told me no! That I had cheated and that I am on my own. She told me to stop coming into her dreams and that I want to be her. Not even close. I like myself just fine thank you very much. I met another man named Gerald he had the same name as my mothers fourth husband. He was a functioning Meth addict. He looked great and young for someone who has abused his body for so long. He was fit, he raised I think three successful children all with degrees. All the while on Meth. He was having a hard time finding help here from his tribe because he was from Alaska. I told him he needed to go home to his family for awhile, to get the help he needs. The next day he had a place in Alaska.

I feel like crying today, I am pretty emotional today. For some reason I went outside last night. I didn't usually get up to go back outside after my boots came off. I love my boot's by the way. Mike gave me red and black plaid jacket. I hung it off the back of my backpack when I walked around. It was heavy. Someone stole it out of Nancy's car. Then a friend took me shopping and we hit 3 or four places. I couldn't find boot's small enough to go over the top of my foot they were all to big and Dave said let's look in Renton, I was about to give up and tucked off to the side, behind some children's rain boots, I found in some boxes some red and black plaid rain boot's. They were just my size. Funny how things just turn up. Anyway's I know you all maybe still think this is about drugs, the illegal ones. This is only a small part. I walked to my friends car and I saw a piece of tinfoil. I got in the car  and we had a talk. I held her as we both cried. She had been clean for like five months. This one works like a dog. Her son is with her family and she misses him so much. Her husband is renting a room somewhere else and talk about a guy who places his burden's and responsibility on her, it pisses me off. She explained she was always the fixer in the family and with working as a temp and all the B.S. that goes on in those places. They used to be great but now they treat people poorly. She would sit there all day while they called men in and they would tell her no she is a woman. She explained to me that she had been having nightmares every night that it was just her and son and that they finally got there own place and he got hit by a car and died. I knew then what was up. I explained about that addict that sits in the parking lot doing push ups getting stronger while you fight to stay sober. I explained that it is more real than she understand's. I said "Oh baby girl, their is a demon linked to some of these drugs, and those dreams are the key to take you down, so you will go back out. We cried together, I cried for her and her family. I'm so sick of this. She went inside and flushed it down the toilet. It didn't get this mother, not this time. I don't know why I go where I go or do what I do but I have never been so glad to get up and put my boots back on then last night. This one carries a heavy burden for her family and some don't understand what this fight is all about. They aren't getting this one. I love her and she is mine.

There was a young beautiful girl that I 86'd out of that truck stop. Her behavior was era-dict and explosive, she was beautiful. Long curly blonde hair down to her waist. I want that one back. So many people's lives that I crossed path's with at that place. I didn't know what was going on with some of these people, now I do. I don't like it one bit. That place called seventh heaven, I found a article about small native town's and these drugs. I kept it. It was in the back pack that my shaman brother took, along with other personal writing. The poem I wrote I only made four copies. I am down to one. The night I stomped all night on the grates I had a letter from my daughters that Kiley wrote and that poem, it was under the blanket on that rock. I walked around to the side of the building to use the restroom and the same guy that showed up at Cadman Mine pulled in. I ran back to the rock, I didn't want to be seen. When I got back the two writings were gone. Later that day I walked into town to speak to my children's father, the door was closed and my head turned sharply to the left and I went right to the sewer pipe. I saw the black in it. Right under his building. L got down with that one. I saw Patty all over it. It was carried through with Alex. Of course the police came. Nothing they could do. I had my water bottle. Later I went to Torguson Park. I was looking for the other end of that pipe, and right where I had cried and prayed at a big rock and I had napped one afternoon right by it. I saw it there too. I took my water bottle and I worked all the way through that ditch and across the rocks. No one was around.  I used to serve the man who's family the park was named after. He was a sweet old guy.

One day I was walking down the road approaching the house with the big red kitchen and right there on the ground was a inch wide bloody rabbit skin. When I worked at Raging River the young woman who worked there, the one I saw as a scared rabbit, this reminded me of her. I was getting tired of all this weird stuff but for some reason, I just knew what to do. I just walked through it. The last time I saw Michael he said that when I spoke you could see a flame around the iris of my left eye. I'm hoping that means my fire is back. I'm not afraid of the fire anymore. Fire can warm and heal, and cleanse. I never thought about any of this at all before. I didn't know anything about anything. Quite frankly I don't care who knows anymore. When I was raped, I had a bracelet on my wrist, it had a soccer ball. I always wondered why I pick the balls I pick to wear between that man and woman. The one that represents, when one parent drops the ball, the other picks up. I have to ask, just what parent are you going to trust when the time comes? The ones upstairs? Or this one down here? Who do you think has your back when the chips fall? Something about those cherries, and our daughters. Something about that fathers scent. Those pheromones, I didn't know anything about. Sometimes we don't know just why we do the things we do at that truck stop, but I do. It's called heaven scent. Some of did things just right. Some of us already walked through the pain. I understand it is all part of the big plan.

I was walking yesterday in Renton and I remember thinking that my ex-husband is going to be deep in the sink hole with me when all this is said and done. Then it occurred to me why would I say sink hole? Then I thought am I causing these sink holes? That would be a huge cause and effect. I haven't given much thought to my great granddaddy. The Navajo who married my great grandmother with twelve brothers and sisters. The cherokee woman who showed up in my room all dressed in purple. Then I started to understand some things about myself. You see when I lived in Rainier Oregon my mother made this huge pot of chili. I like the sauce but the beans are slimy. My mother was being her usual peachy self. She was poking her spoon on the table, saying eat, God damnit, eat. Nothing nice ever came out of her mouth with her children. She could never ask just give demands angrily. I started to eat the beans and I got a few down me. Then I projectile vomited across the table. I think on that new step daddy. I got PB&j's after that.

I still can't eat beans. I don't know if it has to do with Texas or Mexico. I have family in Texas. Then it hit me, just what this weed is all about. That Navajo great granddaddy from Mexico. I wondered who is the big shaman from Mexico and just who he represents? What burden's did he carry inside him? I never met this one. He passed on long ago. Then it hit me, it is all the poison in the illegal drugs. He want's to heal these people. He want's them to get off the drugs. He want's Mexico to heal. He doesn't want them to get a bad wrap anymore. He want's all the pain and suffering of his people, his tribe in Mexico to end. Whoever my great granddaddy is he is huge up there. I told you all awhile ago. This isn't about one thing, or one God. It is about everything.

Then I thought about my Mother in law. Her Mother was Japanese and she married a Hawaiian man. Elaine was rejected big time. Different from my mother but rejected by both parents. That is why she is upset with me and she doesn't know why. That is why she was such a pain in my ass, don't get me wrong I love the woman. They are making me understand. Her father signed away her birth rights when she was born. She was very hurt by this. I don't think he ever met her. Then her mother was a live in Housekeeper. Elaine watched her mother duck down in the back seat with her little sister when she was young. Leatrice snuck out. She was hurt by this too. When I worked at KW International at Samsung in Auburn, it was after I kept saying I do not choose either daughter or either father. My mother was a cherry picker at Associated Grocers. I got to be a cherry picker for a day. I shipped packages to Canada and other international places. I got to pick and file parts with numbers. So I was happy I did not have to choose. The passcode on those handheld machines that kept timing out was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. That was my new permanent job that when I told Luke my new boss a Japanese man who didn't speak very good english. I went to say, do some jumping jacks, that will keep you warm. Instead it came out jump jap. I walked away going WTF! was that? I have Japanese children. How could I explain this one? He didn't speak very good english. I'm pretty sure he heard those words before. Needless to say, I never got to go back. They said they didn't need anyone anymore after all. My dad's name is Jack. Thank's for that guy's. Family? What are you going to do? I keep wondering now, is that comment Jump Jap for my mother-in-law? Or Japan?

Leatrice her mother, Elaine's mother kept walking around and repeating that she is allergic to shell fish. She kept repeating it to me and then my children, it drove us nuts. Now Greg used to steam clam's and oysters in the house. It made me sick literally back then, I could smell it in the house for three weeks afterwards. Alex tried Oysters when she like 5. She had very mature taste buds. She didn't like them either. It makes all three of us nauseas to smell them cooking. When this started I didn't know know my daughters birth sign's. Capricorn and Aquarius.

A old woman named King explained revelations out of the blue the number 97 and one half. Something about the pit. The fire and who is going down. My youngest daughter was born 2/17/2017. Good numbers people. Their is a story just how she got her name. I went to discuss birth names for Kiley with him. He said he is picking it out this time, not me. I thought we both picked Alexandra LaNae. We never discussed it again. After she was born I was holding her and I asked Greg, Okay what is her name going to be?  He hadn't picked one. I named off like 8 names. One was Kiley he picked it. While I was in the park talking to my dad with my brother, they took me back to that day and they let me know that they were there and that they named her. Not Greg. Kiley is the female version of Kyle.

Now I don't talk to dead people. I never thought too much about my family after they passed on. This was all new to me too. While I worked at that truck stop their was a kid named Kyle and he was so angry after I noticed that he seemed down. Furious! I didn't understand at the time. Michaels best friend's name is Kyle and we had a few go arounds. He is really ill and has a heart problem and high blood pressure and his father knew he was sick and called him names as a kid, and made him play football. He belittled and tore into that kid and Kyle grew up to be angry and on that football field in High School he hurt people. Some real bad. Cause and effect people.

The J names represent Jesus Christ this time. Those K names this time are the Kings. The women are the queen's to those kings. A is for the Angels. I'm not tooting my own horn here it is just what I have learned recently. I'm sure you can figure out the C names and who they represent. I heard with Mary Stone and James Robertson that those aren't God's Mary, or God's James. I understand we are all his children so it was confusing to me just what that meant. James stole from me major, big time. I was angry when I found out he was stealing money from me. he took food out of my children's mouth. He cleaned out my bank account and I couldn't pay rent. He never followed through with putting money in my account to pay bills either. I paid them and when our heat got shut off because I was supporting five people he sat there and fumed with his daughter. It was all my fault. He never took any responsibility. I applied with a program with the State to get it turned back on. Then like two day's later I got a bill for a extra $250.00 from the electric company for using the program. Does that make any sense to you? How can I pay that if I couldn't pay the bill in the first place? I moved out, he cleaned me out, I never paid the deposit because I moved and shut it off. Now I can tell you every name in the alphabet represents something good. Their are some wolf in sheep clothing out there and those will be the one's that the WRATH OF GOD WILL DEAL WITH. I think they will just disappear, I'm not sure. This was the only time during my life that my dad showed up in a dream and he said this is not a good man. I said no dad, he just needs LOVE. He just needs to know he is loved. I didn't know that was a warning. I didn't know just who I am back then. I didn't know what it is all about. I just learned from that old woman that there will be no warning this time. Their is, it is me. I have figured out that some of these old women who are nice people but who like to stir the pot behind the scenes, like my mother. My mother is very good at stirring the pot. These are our witches, shrouded under darkness. They are the good ones if you can believe it. I got angry with Rae in here for going to the office to talk about someone else, I exploded and said to Rae, whom I love dearly, stop stirring the pot.

All this mental illness is a dark cloud that will lift off these schizophrenics of all kind's. All this mental illness will lift. People will heal, after two days of darkness. I can't make this stuff up, because I knew nothing about any of this. I heard the word watcher a couple of weeks ago. I think I am a watcher for upstairs. They wanted me to see this so I can pass it on.

Go with God people.

02/25/2016

I had a nice evening. It didn't start out that great. My Orca card only woks on the metro. It used to work on all three. I got a pink ticket from the day center and wouldn't you know it I lost it. I went up late trying to catch the transfer the express to Issaquah from Seattle. I always have to use the King Street station to pee. So I had to go to Renon, Bellevue P&R and then Issaquah. Thank God I only had to wait a half hour. Then Issaquah to North Bend. It was another 6 hour day of no bathroom's and  accidently threw away my lil water ball that I refill. I just wanted to get to the Chiropractor then Cyndi and Keith's. I haven't seen them in four months. I love this Chiropractor. He is very good and run his office as a walkin and he makes his family the priority. The office doesn't rule his life. Brad Kaasa D.C. I hope someday I can repay him for everything he has done for me. I haven't had an adjustment in 8 month's full body. I used to be an owl but I couldn't turn my head to the right, my scoliosis was on fire and the rest of my spine was on fire. Migraines for four day's huge knots all up and down my nech and shoulders. Yesterday morning when I woke up I had this huge wide swollen long spot of tissue on my left shoulder and that was the only spot that didn't hurt.

After I ran into Michael. He got stuck in a rain storm in North Bend picking up stuff out of storage so he got kicked out. It was hard just going with the flow. Acceptance and trust is so hard. V said and after I learned that Michael was the key that whatever he does, let him do it. I do but it is so hard to just stand back and watch. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew something was wrong. So wrong. They have shown me who Michael is in this story. I have let him go so many times. I agreed to that but I didn't agree to him being killed. I screamed No God! Not this way. Michael is not to die, God! Not this way no more sacrifice and so many times I have screamed out in my head "No Michael, you don't sacrifice! I ran in to cars coming at me. One with 3 square light's. One with four coming right at me. Another once circle. That was so long ago. He looked horrible. He didn't hug or kiss me like usual. He couldn't focus, I recognize that spiral anywhere. He promised me. Acceptance of letting him do what he need's to do is hard for me. They showed me how strong that 10 year old boy was inside him. They showed me two parent's in him. Then the day in the park they showed me my brother in Michael. I don't know if that is my brothers fight from upstairs, or this red headed ones down here, or is it me? I met this one the night he grabbed my throat. This was when Michael looked like JC, the day I  couldn't move him. The day I screamed for my rock. Of course they are taking him down to make him stronger, and it's killing me inside. I didn't touch him and I walked away, sad!!! I hate this letting go stuff. I told him Michael what ever happens, whatever I do, I LOVE you. I tried to save him once the day I took off in the woods and buried that eye glass case. He told me that one day as I was getting on the bus something hit him in the heart. Something jolted him. He said his LOVE for me grew. I realized just what I walked away from and gave up for him. Truly he has no idea. Still after all this. He know's I'm telling the truth but he doesn't understand why he is still suffering? I can't let anyone take me down. Not anymore. I got a job to do. I hope he remembers everything I ever told him. My gauge is now gone.

When this started I gave my ex-husband my cell phone with all my passwords and any writing. He chose this moment not to take a look at anything. I told him I was in town and that we need to talk. He told me he is leaving town. We could of met last night and he didn't reciprocate. This is a man who would show up in my work trying to gather information on me with my boyfriends ex-wife. This is a man that if he found out I knew anyone he would turn charming and funny towards them and leave me standing out in the rain.  This is a man that told all of his new employees to watch out for me I'm crazy. I found out because his employees would stop me in the streets and tell me that him and Mary Stone would sit people down and tell them this. I never once did anything. Not one time. Toward the end of my marriage I waited until after the girls went to bed and I went to the family room in the back of the house, so we could have it out, and wouldn't you know it in walks Alex. If I didn't sleep, neither did she. If I was upset she was awake. So I never ever got to let him have it for anything. Now he is using this label with my children. I have never done anything like this in my life. I tried to tell him, I was crying, I tried to say it's true we are the four square. I didn't even know what the four square was before any of this. I just learned it I think like two months ago. It never dawned on me about my vision with my daughter until just awhile ago, what this means. My mother is crazy. Not me! Just because you can, does not mean you should. I let him do it I never fought him. I felt when we got our divorce that people will figure it out and well if they don't know by now and if they didn't want me in there life anymore then so be it. This is what a lie does. It makes you ignorant so you don't have to take any responsibility. I told him, that my dad said he would let me down that day in the park. Thank God my dad has my children, and those mothers, I see above me.

I saw on the news all those tornado's and storms. I saw the christian church charging for prayers. You don't pay for prayers people. Those prayers are free of charge. Only you know what is truly in your heart, not anyone else. They are waiting for the prayers, from your heart. Not someone else's. Just you, they know how you feel. They know just what you need and when not someone else. Heal your heart, your lighten that load. then your mind heal's, then your body. Thing's don't hurt so bad and you become stronger inside and out.

I watched a fit biker at the bus station in Seattle eating under cover because it was raining. He put's down his teriyaki garbage and picked up his bike and took it up the escalator.  I picked up so much garbage and cigarette butts at that truck stop. I picked up the garbage out side the Cadman mine entrance. Always so much garbage lines that street. I set the garbage bag on c adman's mine sign. No one want's to pick up the garbage or clean up their own shit anymore. Just leave it for somebody else to clean up, Right? I see these dog's by the wells, lakes and rivers and no one want's to clean it up. Most of the food we feed our dog's is poison to them? All those carb's and additive's. Did you know dog's used to eat just meat. Look at wolves, and we are trying to make our dog's vegan's. So we feel better about ourselves. You know what attracted me to my guy friend's on my Facebook post? It was the big guy's with the little dog's. The ones who said Yes i'm a big guy and I love my little dog. Those men have courage and big hearts. Their were three from my childhood that popped up on my Facebook.

I should probably explain the witch comment, I have figured out that the women in your life the one's who seem sweet and normal, but behind the scene's they are doing the opposite. Using whatever excuse to wreak havoc in your life. Come on we all know women like that? Mother in law maybe? I have figured out that they represent all those witches that were burned at the stake. The one's who did good magic they worked with the planet and nature. Mother earth, they worked with the herb's and the flowers. It seem's someone put a label on there had too. I think some of these women were accused whom weren't even witches but someone put a label on their head for their own gain. Spite, envy, jealousy, hate, revenge and fear. That is a bad mix and it turn's out that behavior like that spreads darkness around you. When someone does this to someone else they are the bad one's. Not the person they are doing it too, they aren't spreading it, but you poison them with your hate. That is not good in God's eye's. That behavior. So now we have a bunch of women and some men that behave this way and we caused it. Their heart's get broken and this is how these people re-act. We give you pills now to control your behavior instead of searching from with in yourselves. I pray when the time comes that these women's true colors come out. That dark cloud is going to lift and you will find that pretty much most of these people work for him upstairs. Part of the big plan. I never thought about witch craft or Wicca. I don't cast spells but if they are showing me the personalities of these women, then I understand. You judge, you stick your nose in all your books where it is safe only to find out we need it all everything when the time comes. It's not about one thing people. Their is good in everything, everyone, you just have to know how to look. Stop looking for the bad, stop judging. Open your eye's their is more to this life than you know. I never knew this to even go looking for it. They took the magic and put it in our personalities, to keep you shrouded in the darkness. These women will fly with the Angel's. It's all about balance. I wonder just who my mother was? I wonder if she was a good one and she got burned at the stake? I wonder just who's daughter she really is? If I see Mother Nature all around me, I just wonder?

I wonder what God's demon bitches look like? In order to fight the bad you gotta be a lil bad yourself. A little Bad Ass I'd like to say. When you really think about it, heaven hitting the earth to get rid of The Fallen Angel, Wouldn't you hope that God and Mother Nature would bring out all the ugly for you? Do you really have delusions that angels with wings are gonna come down all pretty and nice and wave their magic little wing's and that bing, all better and nice? Not even close! You forgot about the one's who protects. I would hope the one's that protect this universe be some big bad ass JOHN. THE ONE WITH THE BIG DICK AND BIG FIST? A KING KONG, to bring down this house of cards. What a better shroud than the nice guy's? You know the one's? You know the saying, Nice guys finish last. Who say's that anyway's? I think the nice guys are going to have the last laugh. The regular Joe's.  The one's who have been through all the shit already. The ones who have weathered a few storms themselves. Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You still stand and don't you forget it.

Because of this ET feeling I have going on all around me, I'd have to say that our batteries and electrical isn't going to work they will be drained. That I believe is why I said in the beginning we go dark for two days and two nights. We will have no power. I don't even think the car batteries are going to work. I said I felt a crash a coming on, I didn't say what kind of crash but that stock market hasn't been looking so hot lately. What about all the plane crashes, and auto accident's if people just disappear and leave their clothes behind?  I wondered why I saw so many crashes going on around me. The night of the full moon I was standing at n intersection in Renton and a guy does a hit and run just to my left. I looked up and it was a full moon. Go figure? I'm still trying to figure out this moon stuff.

When I was eighteen working at Gene Juarez in down town Seattle, a crazy guy jumps by my window like a monkey. All the way across the window. When I was like 15 or sixteen my best friend Gwen spent the night and I kept waking up and everything was fine. The next morning she told me she kept waking up, I knew I kept waking up right after her. Gwen said she looked over at the heater vent and it was the tidy bowl man in a boat and he spiraled and went down the heater vent. The strange things that happened to me in my life. I promise you my ego is not this big. I don't want this kind of attention, not for one minute. I don't want to do this to my children not for one second. What would you do if they told you your daughter can be free, no more burden's, no more guilt or shame, for being a woman? No more rape for your daughters, they can be free to own their own bodies and be proud of who they are. No more chains if we just work together for either sex from here on out. No more persecution and labels for having emotions. Free to love who they choose and free to use their own medicine. Free to eat and drink without all the poisons. Free to eat whatever fruit she loves to eat. Wouldn't you put your life on the line too? For your children? No more hatchet jobs for my children, not anymore. After all that I have learned and seen what I have seen with all this fracking, and tunnel digging. The only thing this tunnel in Seattle is going to be good for is to take on water before the storm hits Seattle.

Leaving something behind and if it comes back to you it is yours. That means it is meant to be. To find out I've been walking in Fate and living in faith in the end having the answers and faith is the hardest part at times. Times like this seeing the ones you love hurting and suffering and just having faith in if it comes back to you is yours. I don't care if they have shown me it is written in the stars and in the rock's and the stones. I don't care how many monkey faces they show me I don't want to know no more. I don't want to see Michael and my children so far away from me. I felt safe with Michael because I learned just who he really is and just why he hurts so much might be because of me. He chose this and I lost my rock. His heart got broken while in the service and Michael snapped he just wasn't the same. Remember it affects us differently that first broken heart. Especially if we were hurt before and who hurt us. They showed me all those veterans have his back. That he represents them. I pray that 10 year old is strong to take on whatever it is he agreed to take on. I just don't know anymore. I don't want to see it, but I have to. That demon Bitch! I don't know who she is, but she's mine! This is my fight, I don't care anymore. I am so angry carrying all this baggage and it isn't even mine. I just want to unload to just let it all out. All my ANGER, HATE, AND RAGE. For everything, that is going on all around me and I want them to unleash it. I want it all unleashed.

This is some of what I carry on my back each day, aside from the Angel book 10 and my journals that are for my children, quick change of undies and socks, heat packs, ear muff's and gloves. Some one for Christmas, it was from a girl scout she gave me lil red gloves with black bats. I cried, it was a good sign. When you fight for that man, that brother even the ugly is kind of cute sometimes. My lil skull log johns that a friend gave me. Little Boy's just my size. It's amazing how some thing's just show up. Something to keep you moving forward. I carry
one lil red candle with my red coin in a blue camel crush box. When I sat on that oil can, I opened a filter and I saw the blue line. I said to myself you aren't getting my mint. I got real angry and pissed off.
Yellow and pink ear plugs with a green rock. I got the ear plugs from Michael and the guy that I took a ride from only because he looked so familiar. He wore a shirt like my grandfather a cowboy hat, his Name was RonWhite and he just got a divorce that he lost his shirt. He showed me his new job, he said it was time to turn a new leaf and go back to what he likes to do. He showed me how our garbage can build the roof of a house and old glass in our cement, stuff like that. It was awesome! He looked just like a friend of mine his name was Ron Hirsch and I love his family. His Sierra and Aspen. His ex-wife was my best friend at one time. Ron in the truck was blowing in his blow and go. I knew he was a good sign. The green Rock is for all those evergreen trees I see.
I white heart shaped rock I found one day and the nuts I picked up walking with Michael, When it hit me no nuts no tree's. These nuts are our seeds people.
I carry a rock shaped like a bear claw. I carry a silver pendant with 8 lil crystals all in a circle. I found it on the floor one day. I carry it in a old MJ tube. I do not know why I just do.
In the beginning I think over by V's house I found a golf ball with one red band. I've carried it ever since.
I carry a glass cube with gold trim I found at the house on the floor. I liked it.
Someone named Alydia gave me a necklace with a black butterfly pendant. The chain broke. I carry a blue square peace of glass I found at the Kent Transit Center. It came out of the cement. I carry the gold European coin, I found in Seattle. Michael said worth 11.5 cents. I think it was the day I heard I was half way there. The Liberty dime the one with a woman with wings on the side of her head. I can't read the year. That was over by King and Bunny's in Renton. One day someone found a bracelet that belonged to a woman with 11 brothers. I put it on my wrist to give to her. She said it wasn't her's and she said that isn't my name anyway's. I looked and It said Katie. It has purple and pink beads with a silver star fish. The star fish broke off and I carry it. I'm hoping it helped Katie when she walked away from the car wreck that totaled her car. She was 17 like my brother and I didn't want her out there anymore. I feel like they were reeling her in closer to home. I was so happy. What a relief. I carry one tiny brown hair clamp and one copper penny. I can't read the date. I carry them in a cyclobenzaprene bottle. I don't know why. I just do.

Since my phone and wallet were stolen I got a q-tip box. Can't lose this. It is a Diaso Japan box I carry 4 fall leaves with two green leaves. I white rock with a triangle on one end and a square on the other. One black and white dice. One Metro bust ticket black and white with the letter T. I carry one white tiny triangle rock. My orca card, ID and EBT card and misc. business cards. Plus my bag of balloons. Each color of the rainbow I guess. I have carried them all along. If this makes me a bad person to you then so be it. It is about my children. I carry that tube of beads with the elephant on the end. When my dad died he felt like he had a elephant on his chest too. I carry a white candle that uses batteries. I won't tell you just what it is I carry close to my chest. I have carried it from the beginning, always close to me. I got one of them from Gary. For now everything I carry on me is my burden, including that tobacco bag. These are my burden's and this is my heart and these are my purple pen's.

I am not the big bad wolf a knocking on your door
I am not a omen I am your savior
I can't make up something I didn't know about
You might want to look me up
I'm always hiding a hiding in plain site
Nobody see's me nobody ever see's me
At least not for a long time now
Not even when I'm just standing there
I never know just what my families a cooking up
A dash of this a sprig of that
A lil nip here a lil flick there
I got my rattle's in all four corners
I got my families jewels
The day I hitched my breath
When I said inside my head
Your the One,
Your the one with the Seven
Your the one with the Three
All those crazy red heads
All those lil Monkey's
A jumping up and down on your head
It's about those Mother's
Those Mother's Upstairs
I stood in front of my children's Father
 at that TA Truck stop
I stood there crying and I said
Nothing grow's without Love and Light
Nothing grow's without Love and Light
Please everybody let the Money Go
Just let the Money Go
It's about our Children
It's about this Mother Earth
It's about the Sun
It's about those rock's
It's about that dove
It's about that Evergreen Tree
It's about this Mother's Rock
It's about this Mother's Light
It's about all those bloody red hearts
I see I see inside my head.
No more boxes
No more bloody boxes
No more bloody diamonds
No more fire at my feet
No more Chambers
No more bloody Chambers
No more leashes
No more bloody chains
No more blood stained fist
No more blood stained sheet's
Not in my family anyways
Not in this family
This is My Country Pride
I'm the little bow peep
Oh my did I lose His Flock?
This Kitty Cat want's out to play
Won't you come play with me?
I'm I might be a lil mucked
I might be a lil ducked up
Hey I'm from Renton
I'm from this far South
I'm from this side of the tracks
We lady's we drink our beer from the bottle
Don't let the look's fool ya
I might just carry wing's on my back

02/26/2016
I realized today that my family has been drowning me pretty much my whole life. The first time I was a couple years old and I went under the water and my sister felt something kicking her. She reached down and picked me up. The second time I must of been maybe 6 or 7 and I was walking on the inside edge of a pool and I slipped in to the center. I saw above the water my cousin James trying to reach me. Our hand's outstretched to each other. Our finger's touched then he grabbed my hand and pulled me out. The third time in Hawaii when I got caught up in the undercurrent. It was a guy named George Paddleford and a friend that got me out. Of course my honeymoon in the toilet bowl. Then the alcohol. When I read my friend Lexy I saw her drowning in a pool of black water and I remembered feeling that way in my marriage. I remember one day I got up from the couch and I said to myself, "I am dying, I am dying inside. I can't be any kind of mother if I'm dead. Their was a big black cloud over that house and I just couldn't breath anymore. It was weighing me down. I just d
Now today I don't like to get wet. My pet peeve is to splash me with water. It makes me mad. Don't get me wrong I like to be clean, but it is usually in and out for me. The whole process especially now being homeless gathering all your stuff out of one suitcase and transferring it to another bag to carry along. Then I get here and find shampoo, conditioner, soap, and usually a crappy razor that is going to slice me up.  Again why do we keep making all this crap that doesn't effectively do it's job? Everything is a process around here. What about the toilets? You know when I flush a toilet I expect everything to go down. Not keep coming back up. These toilets now a day's with low water pressure all under the guise to conserve water. Again I call B.S. I'd watch these toilets and these septic systems.

02/27/2016
Yesterday I went to a church function for the first time. It was in Renton at the Seattle Revival Center of May Creek Park Drive. I would go for walks to go smoke and stretch my legs. I would walk down to a new residential area and stand there and smoke. Later it occurred to me to look at the residential neighborhood that I am smoking at, it was called Eden's Grove. I took a hike on a trail and did my usual spreading of the magic aura those pheromones are getting stronger. I peed twice out there and later when I looked around I noticed I peed on both sides of that propane line that goes between the church and that neighborhood. But hey what's in a name?

Now as far as what the speakers were talking about it was exactly what I have been getting shown. The moon, the planets, the stars, this planet, God, and his wife, his mother to his children, Mother Nature. I was listening to a speaker and I realized he had it right except for one part. He said that He is Coming. It will be soon and heaven on earth is going to finally happen. He took a chair and he set it down to represent God. I wanted to know where the other chair was next to God? I was so close to grabbing my own chair and setting it down next to God's chair. I couldn't believe it even with these prophets they still aren't seeing the whole picture. Where's the Mother? Even in this place with these people they forgot about the mothers. People do not understand that in that trinity their is a woman. No Mother, no children. I don't care who you pray to up there, not one bit, the energy of this planet is female. She is a female presence. You all might think that this is some psychosis that I keep harping on and on about the Mother presence and that it is inside me. Think what you like. I assure you it is not a psychosis. These Mothers upstairs are not happy at all. You know the saying behind every good man is a woman? That is true. A true Mother does not let her children go down without a fight. My favorite movie as a kid was Jaws. Didn't she get angry about her child? Didn't she go after everything that stood in her way? Didn't she go on a feeding frenzy? When I saw in that scene where Jaws was swimming on the top of water and I saw the power in that shark and the power in that water, it terrified me and made me have a whole new respect for Mother Nature. It may be just a movie to you like so many others out there. Look at all the t.v. shows and video games people are playing. You can put yourself in that movie characters situation, but when it comes down to real life and someone is speaking the truth you block me. When you don't like what I have to say, you turn me off and call me crazy. We will see about that. For my children's sake and your children's sake you better hope I am right and that someone knows what is up.

When I was walking through the woods one day I saw in red paint I think, the word DaKota and Emily. This was after I heard the word LaKota. At the time I had never heard the word DaKota except in a name or state. I saw a blue heart yesterday with the word yes AK. Yes Alex and Kiley the two daughters that had better still be standing when this is all done and said or we go down. I go down, this planet goes down. That ring of fire goes down and He goes down. That Father I have been talking about. People just sit back and wait and see, they wait for proof of life. By the time you get proof of life out of me it will be to late for you.

I know so many of you think this is a joke. It can't be! It can't be her! No way! God wouldn't put someone chosen through so much hell? You think you know the answers and you truly do not get that I couldn't be more serious, about getting right with God. I'm talking to the ignorant one's. Now not only is Greg pissing me off but I just spent over two hours re-doing a fafsa application for my daughter. They changed how you log on due to more security. This is another example of the system making it hard to get to your money all under the guise of security. I said to them you have so much security that your patron's can't even get into the system's you create. They just keep re-creating new ways. So I changed my user ID to Mothernaturebitesback, I was so pissed off and you will just love the password I created after getting asked over and over the same questions that I already sent over.

I hope this goes down soon. Regardless of what you think I think my family likes it when I get angry. Cause and re-action people, one small thing causes a ripple affect. Last night it occurred to me when I said Michael is spiraling and all those tornado's I see across the U.S. I had been watching my rock slide for awhile, I dealt with Michaels demon before, he needs to do this one. He needs to find his inner strength. They asked me if I was willing to let him go? I said yes. Now this is where faith comes in. Having faith in my family upstairs. I have to have faith that they will guide him on this part of his journey. They have shown me just who he represent's and for everyone's else's life you better pray he has the strength to fight this demon. I'm under the impression that with the timing of everything that it is Michael's turn and that this demon is a pretty big one. It would have to be to show my brother standing inside Michael that day in the park. I truly never thought about my family upstairs when this started, you better hope I have enough strength to continue with my destiny due to cause and effect. I wonder why I said rockslide? We will have to wait and see, won't we?

They talked about corporations yesterday.  When this started I had no idea it had anything to do with the corporations, but from everything I have seen this corporation is going down. The one that is making your lives so hard. Oh yeah to those ignorant ones that choose to sit in your safe little box to be safe right? The ones who aren't struggling and thinking this will never happen to me, this will never happen, I am a good man. Just look at my car, my friends, my God, My god would never do this to me I'm a good christian, right? I sit here and tell every one of you the truth and you bury your head in the sand, call me evil. Say I walk on the dark side, I'm making excuses for my life, I'm blaming somebody else for my problems? Right? Someone told me a little while ago and they asked someone else who knew me and they said this is not the Colleen I know. Try being me. I'm trying to save your life and your children's life and you close your doors, your ear's and your eyes. The only thing open is your pie hole. Funny thing is I'm spreading the good word. The true word, and just because you have never heard of family upstairs doesn't mean it doesn't exist. All the religious ones talk about HIS COMING and HEAVEN ON EARTH, it's just not the way you thought it would be, so I have to be crazy? Not her no way? God would never make her the chosen one? It would be someone like you right? The Pious, judgemental religious ones. The sin in those books are lies, those fears are lies. It gives you permission to judge others and their is only one true judge, and I assure you all my brothers and sisters up there follow hierarchy up there. I'm pushing your buttons to make you think. Again I don't care what God you pray to upstairs, I do not care. It's all in those big books and then some. You're just to lazy to look or you don't want to know. Truly you do not know the names of the people to cross my path, but I do. Everytime I look there I am. I am finding little pieces of myself everywhere. Those names keep coming back around around. HMMM! I wonder if by saying around around if it's going down? I tried telling you everything we do down here affects upstairs, major. Close your eyes for a moment, and just pretend I am right, isn't that so much easier? To pray without all the fear and rules on how to pray and what to say, without all the judgement.

While I was out there it had been I think a little over two months and one morning I had a dream that I woke up and put my feet on the floor, I was relaxed and happy and I stretched my arms to the sky. I was told I was done sitting on that red rock. I was so happy. Truly that rock killed my back. It would throb. I would lie down on certain spot's with the boulder digging into a muscle to relieve the pain. You have no idea how much that red rock killed my back. Now I just want to pick it up and throw it. I am fed up with this red rock shit, I am fed up with this native shit, I am fed up with this JC shit, I am fed up with this God shit, I am fed up with my ex, I am fed up with Michael, I am fed up with this ring of fire. Hey yes I call everyone upstairs assholes when they piss me off. I haven't been struck dead. How many times in your life have you gotten mad at your parents? Thrown a temper tantrum? Said I hate you? You ruined my life? Trust me when I say they know just how I feel. I can't hide anything from them. Hell if they are going to give me all they got, I might as put it all out there. They know what is inside of me. I'm not hurting anyone else. They can take it, I promise. Give them all you got, give them all your rage. They know! They know! It makes them angry to watch their children suffer. Try to remember we chose this for her. For this planet to kick this fallen angel out along with his minions once and for all. To get rid of whatever this E.T. thing is I'm feeling. It is cause and effect with these two which is putting all the pressure on us and the system. You want it to end then take a stand. Stop waiting for everyone else to clean your shit up. Stop with the lies you tell yourself and others to make you feel better. I'm talking about mankind. This is the only planet like this. This is the only planet that is part of the heavenly plan and how it functions up there. Yes they all take part but right now this is the one I care about. My daughters are here and so are there's.

Wow! I went to Renton today. Remember the three umbrellas that fell apart in my hand? Today just when it started to rain there hanging was a big strong black umbrella that said Black Minx on the inside. I got to thinking just what am I going to have to do to get Greg's attention? Now this man is the appitimy of cold. He can look you in the eye smile, give a lil laugh and be as cold as ice. I started to think about that Achileus Heal he snapped while out with the guys from Renton for Four days. This man couldn't get out of bed with a fake head cold, he couldn't be bothered. So just how far am I going to have to go with this? How far across the line do I have to step. You know I don't have to like all my brother's. I'm thinking like you at time's of I was the chosen one from up there why would they give me the wicked witch from the west as a mother, and this KING SIZE ASS HOLE for a husband? Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and well lets just say two can play at that. Let's see how strong that acheleius heel really is because after I tell you just how cold this bastard is you'd be drowning too. The shit, the servitude for his ego that he stroked in so many way's especially in bed. When this started all I could here from Greg was figure it out Colleen. Real loud he would repeat that. So since this is my game of life, and so far I see the sequence of things. I've decided my life, my rules. This is my POKER GAME after all. I've got two diamonds and 2 jokers and in MY POKER GAME the Jokers are the wild cards. You don't know how many times I've wondered what BROTHER RED has in his hand. Now I haven't had a conversation with him I think only one time and it was real brief. For a red head he was cute. I remember Steve Dobson said he hated it when girls said that, but hey guilty as charged. Steve was good looking too. It makes me wonder why are the girls considered the fiery one's that need taming? What about the guys? Where is there fire? I see something in both of these men. The two from completely different walks of life.  I admit in brother red's life sometimes I wasn't thinking to nice about what I would do to his family if thing's fell apart. He ain't ever touched me but I assure you he has been inside me. Last conversation that day in the woods when for some reason I get called beck behind the Gull station,again. Where my purse disappeared and re-appeared 3 day's later. I have lived in North Bend for twenty years and I have never walked in those woods.

I didn't know what else to do so I thought maybe I was supposed to find the eye glass case I buried. So I started looking around and I stop and I sneak over to a area and it was like I walked into a wall. I stepped around a bush and I said "wait, don't I know you? You look so familiar, I reached out my hand to touch him, he looked sick like he wasn't well. I knew it had something to do with whatever that dark energy was. I felt like he was absorbing it somehow so I wouldn't have to. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to heal him somehow. Take his pain away. I saw his quad, it was yellow. I wondered how I hadn't heard it. He said to me "you have to stop creeping around in here." I remember turning around shocked and pissed off, because it startled me that he was there. It really takes something out of you to unexpectedly feel like you walked into a wall. I was pissed because he was the one that called me into those woods. I had not connected that he was a brother of mine and that we may not have ever touched but our lives have. The way I see it someone from up there taught him too and they were teaching me so if he found me, I can find him. He also said he would like to have a conversation with me just not right now. Trying to get a conversation with some of these brothers really pisses me off. I mean am I really all that scary? What is it everyone is so afraid of? These are just words after all, right? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt right?

When I worked at KW International with Luke, the one that I said jump jap to? OMG! Jesus Christ! Really? I stuck my foot in my mouth big time. At the time I didn't know I was a vessel, I still thought I was in charge of me. In a way I am. Think about it do you really think my family would put me through all this and take me out this close to the end of the game? No way! Not even, their are no straight lines in my game of life. Sometimes I zing and sometimes I zang. Which I decide to go with this nobody really know's, sometimes not even me.

So anyway's KW International, Samsung part's password on that unit 1 through 7. Picture this, remember I said that all the files were set up backwards. In most of the isles the A's were on the bottom and the H was the last row on the top. In this warehouse no one was willing to file anything on shelf H. They wouldn't get the two step step ladder, it seems it was to much work. They would only go to G. At the time I remember oh great, they are willing to go to God, but they won't take the two step's it takes to get to heaven.  Now remember this is my game of life not yours. My rules, I remember saying to a mother in here, delegate! Teach your children right the first time and you won't have to go back to fix anything. My life, my analogies.

I have lived my life by normally taking a negative and turning it into a positive. For example I learned what to not do by watching my mother. Some of what to not do by watching others. So when I was out there if I saw something negative, like a frown on that Cheshire cat with a half black and half white face. I turned frown upside down. Without knowing I was doing magic. Mother's magic, the good stuff, the good energy from the planet. I didn't realize until now that if I saw something bad like a black square I turned it into a heart. A black heart is better that a black square. On the bottom of the heart is a V and when we reach our hands up to Heaven we make a V. then two half circles and the two meet in between. That is your family. It is there essence that I carry inside me and you have it inside you you just have to find it. Part of finding it is letting any pain go to those ones upstairs. It doesn't matter what you have to say to them, just get it out, stage through stage. Get through the emotions, it is a start.

I forgot when this started I was lying down in that zero gravity chair and I saw that black figure that stood in front of me the one with my daughter. I hurled everything I had at him. All my anger, all my rage I could muster. I threw every word, everything bad. I never fed it love. No love for this one. When I was exhausted and I hit the floor out of breath I leaned up onto my arm's and I said that is how you do it? That is how you are blocking me from seeing you? You have me hidden and buried under all this pain? You are holding me down with this pain. I look at it this way, I was finding my answers and as long as I released my rage into that thing then I'm not hurting anyone. It reminds me of the song I used to sing in 5th grade with Mr. Obo, I Can See Clearly Now. I also look at it this way, if this black figure is a part of me then just maybe I can release all that rage on someone else. If not then I'll let my Father and Brother handle him when the time comes. Who know's maybe it is this mothers spank bank. I would re-think those whips and chains you all fantasize about. You know that is what porn is? Fantasy, Actors and actresses with makeup and drugs to get it up and keep it soft and up. No fun, not for me. I like things all natural. I like the real thing, The real deal. I've had enough of these spineless week men, who think it is all about ego and braun. They think it's about quantity not quality. These little boy's have not a clue. They think they have to force to show a woman just what it is they got all in one shot. Time to man up boy's and learn just what it is a real woman want's and I want someone who is a matter of fact, I've had enough of this bullshit, all these lies I sacrifice. I sacrifice for what? I find out for you? So I can see what this is really all about? I had to experience every kind of love and pain, just so I can see what this is really all about. My family didn't take me down, they picked me up, brushed me off and said get back in the ring little sister. We got so much more to show you. Some day's I think didn't JC just get 40 days and 40 nights in a desert? How in the hell did I get 47 years living in someone else's purgatory? I mean really, that was until I discovered just who my brother is. Brother JC, oh that man had it so much worse than me. They just spread my pain out slowly over the years. A little at a time. Those fist like rocks is nothing compared to what some of my brothers and sisters have had. So yes someday's I'm thankful, some days not so much. It's not for you to tell me just what I am thankful for, not for a minute no way. You see their are those of you who think inside your boxes. I never got stuck in one. I went to so many churches I couldn't even count. I truly took the good and left the bad.

The biggest sin is me not being able to just sit and learn some of this stuff, because of the way I saw others being treated. I never cared to much about myself or what others thought of me, but I always cared more for the other person. I have seen so many people feel vilified and ashamed for just being human. Every day out here even though I know who I am, I am after all only human, and that is the biggest flaw to have for any of us in their eye's. We are ant's down here compared to them. I see big giants coming down to smash out whole colonies. I really would of liked to know some of this stuff. Just some thing to hold on to and out there I had Gary and I had Brother Red and that book of Angels 101. I stepped on a egg once and when this East Indian woman picked it up it was a replica of my head with the eyes blacked out. She told me my husband was sabotaging me and that there was a curse on my family. The women, she worked on me and prayed for hours at night but she couldn't lift it. I forgot about it. If my family is the Poison Ivy then I am so sorry for that. I promise you if I had known what this was really all about I would of ran right to you and told you everything I ever knew right up front. Like you, this time around, I had not a clue. This outcome isn't any out come I could of ever imagined or dreamed up. I would of liked to know that my dreams were real all along. I would of liked to of known that all those thing's I saw in my room at night were real. I would of liked someone to tell this too. I couldn't even talk to Sue the woman who filled in as my mother in the fourth grade. I would just try to tell her how I was feeling and why, just try to understand and instead I'm told I'm not allowed to talk about Greg, that they aren't going to choose between us. I never asked anyone to choose not one time, not one fucking time. I should however of been able to go to the woman I most looked up to to want to talk about myself, my emotions without them talking to me about Greg. Hell they have known me since fourth grade and I had never acted out and somehow when I would go to my house they would be there at Greg's. Not one phone call to even say they would be in town, instead I get I hope you aren't upset catching us here and all? Then I got the we aren't going to choose, but I figure if you have to lie about it and squirm about you just made your choice. Now excuse me while I step out. So no I never let my emotions out but I sure got rejected. I mean what is wrong with you for leaving such a great guy?

You tell me if you could still keep your head up high after all this shit? You tell me that when push comes to shove and it's about my children then hell yes I'll scream it at the top of my lung's. I was ready to walk away quietly and leave it all behind, but the more my family shows me the more pissed off I get. Try finding out that you are a energy person and that when something impacts you it it hit's three times harder than the average person? No one can see me going down. You can't see energy to the naked eye. You don't see those blank bullet's and those arrows aiming straight at your heart. Try finding out that every fucking arrow was a black arrow? Try finding out that things really are a lot simpler than people realize and that because someone planted a label on my head, I'm going to pay. Not anymore that label he placed across my mouth is coming off. Even if it hurts my girls to wear my shoes for just a little while. You see I didn't complain to Greg's family and friend's. I didn't believe in that stuff. I thought it imature and I wanted my children to respect there father and I was hoping for the same respect. If I got to let it all out to wake him up then so be it. I need him to understand. I'm done FUCKING AROUND. From the very beginning I heard agreement and I found out that he had a agreement with me a long time ago. Not that piece of paper. The one you get from the state. The one from up there. He can keep up this arrogant charade, like I'm just crazy like he tried to threaten me again the other day. He doesn't want to hear or even know because he is afraid. This man is the spineless biggest prettiest piece of shit you will ever meet. If they gave me a bitch for a mother they gave me a bastard for a husband to take me down. Whatever he is holding in, whatever that label he put on me I figure if he is the father and he can be a cold harded dick then so can I.

I told your dad and brother to grab you by the throat and pull him out of the closet. It's not about him it's about my children. I need them to listen up. I'm not taking the heat anymore, this is my game of life on the line, not yours. This way I get no more interruptions.

Right before my wedding my grandfather died. My mother's father. He took care of me and filled in at just the right moments in my life. I had my walks and my tiger tails with this grandpa. We were close. He died right before my wedding one week before I think, I got the call and I screamed no into the phone, Greg had a study group over. I went into the room and I cried. Later I found out from James that he said to Greg we should go and Greg said no don't bother she will be fine. He never came in. You see when my mother in law told me that it would be easier to plan a wedding in Hawaii I thought it was a small family gathering. It wasn't until well into this like the time of the reception to be chosen, the only thing I said was a sunset wedding on a cliff top. I was told pretty much before the pre-nups that "oh no I cannot have that because of all the old people." What, all the old people are you talking about Elaine? I thought you only had a few relatives. Your sister, her family, a few aunt's and uncles? No! Oh No! I have over 100 relatives. In my head the dollar sign's were going up, even if I wasn't paying for the reception they were, It turned out beautiful. Even if it wasn't sunset. The homemade leis and purple dresses. The smell of the flowers. I wanted to run however, I wasn't feeling good, but I had committed already. From the beginning Greg said just four years then three, then two, then one and you can take a break. I heard that for like 12 years. When I stopped sleeping and went to the sleep clinic, he said Colleen if you don't sleep you die. All I could say was Greg say's hold out just a little while longer then you can take a break.

I found out I was pregnant in the first 3 weeks with Alex. I couldn't keep my eyes open one day. That deep fatigue. He kept calling me to come to Kirkland. A friend was in town. I told Greg I can't do it. I have this deep fatigue, like this black behind my eyes. I couldn't stay awake. I told him this on the phone and that I think I'm pregnant. I was told I was being rude. What kind of man doesn't tell a friend his wife is sick not feeling well and that she is pregnant? Instead I was rude.

How about when I was like 7 months pregnant with Alex and we had no furniture still. I was lying on the floor preganat and Greg didn't want to go furniture shopping. He needed a break. Oh yeah did I tell you I was working too? So I borrowed his dad's old Ford pickup truck and I hit every furniture store all the way down I-5 getting the best quality for the dollar. I was a bargain shopper, not cheap but not over the top. I got it loaded and brought it home.

How about when I was like six to seven months pregnant with Alex and on my Toyota the tires had all these bulges. I kept trying to tell him this is dangerous for me and the baby. He didn't want to spend the money. It blew on me on I-90. I was this big pregnant woman stuck on the side of the road, getting ready to change a tire. Luckily a father showed up with his son.

How about when I was at work at four months and had to leave work because I was starting labor. I went to my doctor and she said at the most part time work stay off your feet as much as possible. That night I told Greg in the car what had happened, he punched me in the arm and said "oh Colleen, you'll be fine."

How about being toward the end of my pregnancy and I got this dark armoire from my aunt and uncle and I re-painted it. I couldn't strip it. Remember I was pregnant. I was working and trying to get this house together, commuting to jobs in one car. I was glad to do it. Everyone struggles in the beginning right? The hard stuff you do while your young enough to do it right? Instead he bitches at me one evening because it wasn't finished and he didn't like it in the kitchen. It is December and this house is very drafty. I start painting on the last coat and he goes how dare you not open the window? Are you trying to kill the baby? I had made the whole bassinet set and painted that whole room and was trying to get this fixer upper in some kind of order before the baby is born and he can't put a coat of paint on a dresser and stand in a cold kitchen for his wife and baby. Don't worry, he is tired, he has had a ride day. he need's to rest. So I gave him the two doors and the screws and screw driver and I said here put these on for me. I'm a little big up front to get these back on. He ask's, how do you do it? See those hole's, see these screws, it's not rocket science. I did not say that however. I was encouraging, you can do it. No he can't, or wouldn't? They were on crooked. I just said thank you, I was to tired myself. Plus if you say anything to Greg no matter how you say it, then you are being aggressive or mean. What a pussy, I say and I hate that word. You might here it a lot. I'm just sick and tired of weak minded men. If you have a weak mind you have a weak body.

02/28/2016

You know all of this nature shit just keeps popping up. You might want to take a look around you and tell me I'm the one that is full of shit. She just keeps popping up here and there and these mothers above me well let's just say they got a set of balls. His ball's to be exact. I have talked about nature a lot in this story and I never really hit me the full impact yet of just what Mother has to say about this and just who it is that she is. What bothered me yesterday as I was listening to the speaker that talked about God and their only being one chair. Still no one understands that behind every man who has children is the Mother. She has been carrying his load for a long time. He talked about a bride and that really made me angry because I forgot about the bride part. I remembered in the beginning of all this when I said to someone he want's to make her his bride. I thought of Patty. A lesbian divorced mothere with two boys. Now I promised my daughter I would get her out of this. I think I'm understanding this bride stuff. The way I see it that just isn't going to go down the way those three think it is. So I forgot their is a dark black bride involved in this.

I re-call looking back that I followed the shit trails. Most of the time when they led me somewhere I could see passage way's with doorway's made of twig's, vines and branches. When I followed these doorway's I noticed that it not only led me to someplace they wanted me to see or even someone. Remember that guy in the woods that never let me know he was there and I got taken back to him four times and by the fifth I was done with this shit. I wanted to see his face and something with this guy bothered me with Gary. I wasn't sure what. Some of the Snoqualmie Cops would ask me who was in the woods where before they entered. I'd fill them in on what I knew. So I oh this kills me to say out loud. I took a crap at the entrance to his trail and that man would not come anywhere near me. He freaked when he saw me is a matter of fact. I didn't understand then just what it is I'm figuring out now. Marking MY TERRITORY and MOTHER NATURE.

I re-call talking about the honey pot at the end of the rainbow. It is not gold coins like you think this time around. This is about nature.

I re-call talking about scent. I wrote something about scent and I hadn't a clue what that was about. I guess they are talking about that natural musk that some people carry on them after a hard days work. That would be MOTHER NATURE talking.

I re-call talking about pheromones. I asked Michael about this pheromone scent talk that was going through my head. So people have pheromones as well as animals, even the flowers give off a scent, and the tree's and the sea. Heaven scent, that would be your Mothers Perfume you smell as the wind blows across your face. How long has it been since you really smelled your True Mothers scent? Have any of you ever stepped outside and inhaled those redwood tree's mixed with the scent of snow in the air? I could always smell the snow. It's a crisp clean smell that can at times gets so cold it burns your lungs inside. Maybe that is why I like that mint tobacco first thing in the morning, it has that bite crisp burning feel. I liked to say that my Camel Crush Blues gave me fresh breath in the morning. Now I like Marlboro Black's Long. Come on Tobacco company, it was your idea to take our words away in exchange for colors. I was a Camel Crush Blue girl but now I'm a black and red long.

Now the last time I was in that hospital when King County Bitch put me in that place. I told her some Native Lawyer I spoke to told me to follow this State Path. I told her you put me in that place and your going to get me behind. She didn't like me washing my purple socks in the sink. If she only knew just what was going on. I had already picked up that their is nothing special about my DNA but that scent in my blood was going to be a problem. Mary a nurse, let me know tent city was right around there and I thought about running, but not with blood on my skin. I am picking up that whatever is going on with me it's about the essence in my blood and you can't get that in no test tube. So yeah these cheap razors slicing my legs up doesn't make me happy, but oh well, whatever goes down it is just meant to be. This Bitch failed to tell them, the nurses so much when I got in there. For some reason I didn't have my sports bra on and they tried to give me size 3X cloth's to replace with mine, after being asked to strip down and get inspected, kinda like going to jail. Then they had me go stand up front by the elevators for I have no idea why as people are circling around me. She failed to tell them I was raped. I stood at that desk with my finger in the air as I went down just exactly what is wrong with this picture. Excuse me King County Bitch who stuck me in this place failed to tell you a very important detail about me, I was raped and I am not wearing your size 3X clothe's I have tried to explain several times just why that wasn't such a good idea. I will be in my room waiting for some clothes that will fit and not expose my body parts for all the world to see. That is not their choice to make for me, not any day of any week. Yeah, just one of the joys of this journey seeing what it is like to be put in the system and lost several times. You see they might say three day's or five or seven but that is a crock of shit. Could be a holiday or a weekend, or maybe your lawyer just didn't get to you in time, or listen to me for that fact. This place had one thing going for it and it was the food. It was ordered on a menu and portion size plus for those that could have coffee could get it and those that couldn't get it didn't. Plus it came up in a cart and was served hot. Now that was great. The other places they treated everyone the same. Cold wet bland food. Aren't we supposed to be making these people feel better. This place called itself a hospital and they didn't even have a band aid. It wasn't until later that I discovered just what some transportation service you get through the State, oh yeah, Hope Link. I could of gotten a taxi ride home from that place that I had no idea where I was at, instead many bus stops that I have never seen before, I had not a clue. They chose the cheap way. Did you know that this program is for someone like me but not the Senior Citizen's or disabled? They have even crappier more unreliable transportation system's. It needs to be streamlined. All this is to much and spread way to thin. I have seen Hope Link change women"s rides without telling them in advance, oh sorry, your not a GAU but a GAX and so therefore we changed how we do things, sorry we canceled you but you no longer meet our criteria that we just changed or screwed up in the first place.

Putting people in these rehab's and hospitals and crashing them off everything cold turkey is not a good idea at all. The headaches and mood swings and then telling people no tobacco, that tobacco has been around a lot longer than most of you by centuries. It's the Corporation's that put the poison in it. We used to, the people make a living off that tobacco but now just the investors do. Some of you might not like tobacco but reality is it's a safe drug that help's us calm down compared to benzo's and other synthetics. I met a man named Jeff in the last place, he started drawing these mushrooms with that little pencil, beautiful work. When he was 8 his daddy had a tobacco farm in New York City, he said he was in the loft and it was like he was out of his body and his dad was running across that field carrying him. It was his Fathers farm and after that his Father lost it to a uncle and his immediate family went down hill. He said that he felt cursed. You see whatever this is that is going on has been around for a long time and it is affecting everything.

You know I went back to the Seattle Revival in Renton again and it hit me just why at times when I pray I put one hand in the air and the other pointing down. I didn't get why I did this but then it hit me that I am connecting the planet to the heaven's and the stars. I remember saying something about taking the poison on and that this is gonna hurt, but oh shit are you kidding me? I thought it was some little prayer thing, not that. I knew it was a lightning storm but I was thinking of sticking those hot feet things all over my body, I'm kind of thinking that is not going to work to my advantage. I mean are you kidding me, like I'm going to outmaneuver those guys upstairs. I can't get away with anything that they don't want me to do. It seems they are happiest when I write. I remember one day I refused to write for like three day's I was so mad about being here. Purple pen's started crossing my path way. Purple coats on the sidewalk in my path.

They also told me just what it was with Mark Driscol. It was his down fall for the arrogant behavior about women. Well they did that to make him stronger and spread out his pain. Sorry brother but you are going to have the fight of your life when this hit's. You will not need weapon's. All you need is what you carry on the inside of you in the heart. It really is all about the heart, and well those women up there can be real bitches. They will put you through the ringer, whoever your protecting in your family your family upstairs is strong.

Now back to Greg. I've been getting this Greek feeling and I read somewhere that achelius Mother dipped him in something to protect him. I personally was hoping for lead paint, but I digress. You know he certainly has a air of servitude about him. I have figured that these people with the G names are God names they represent some God up there. He act's untouchable. I heard from that Native woman he is sorry when I had the first cleansing of my ancestors slime off my body or soul or spirit, I don't remember. So I married a guy that act's like a entitled self serving lazy piece of shit who really doesn't like working. Sound's like some prema-donna little boy bitch from upstairs to me. If this is about the Sister and her Brother's which brother is he? Is he my David and my Goliath? I got that because I'm a energy person that I got his parent's burden's through him. He doesn't get this energy thing, or he doesn't believe that it actually is us? So if a Brother wanted to take down a sister as a cover up then all I have to say is he better catch on and remember everything I told him. They have shown just how people re-act to me and well when this hit's it's going to be about Mother Nature and her Children, not just His. No matter what, remember I am human first and foremost. Those are my baby girls and they wouldn't give me a cold hearted S.O.B. like this for a brother for no reason? When it comes down to my children he better be as untouchable as he thinks he is. We will have to wait and see. Like I say as long as I have a date there is a future, I just hope the date he gave me is a good sign. So much is happening this next month.

I learned something new today at that church with all the flag's and colors that they represent. I had to ask what a Brethren was? I even pronounced it wrong. Go figure? Brethren Dwelling Together in Unity. Psalm 133:1 Who knew? Brethren means brothers. What about the Sister's fella's? Just where do we fit into this great big plan? Behind every sister there is a brother and well quite frankly my mother was married four times, my sister three times and me once. Never again, not me. To pissed off at these brothers of mine to ever go through that shit again. These brothers have kicked my ass. I don't care if I still stand, These smug sumbitching little girl bitches. I however discovered, I dodged a bullet on this one a loop hole you might say. I lived with four guys, my first time out of the house. It was Christmas of 1986. I lived with a Kevin with a twin John, the other three guys were another John, Jeff and a Patrick. Those Pat's keep coming up. Over and over they practically revolve threw the door. I have discovered that like the Kyle's in my life with strange re-actions that I went to that place because of a woman named Patricia King. I follow the King's especially the women. I had someone I used to know ask me what I did to instigate that rape? What did I do to bring it on? How was I dressed? That prissy little bitch wouldn't last for one week with what I've been through, not any of them and still keep moving forward to see just when this part of my journey is going to end. I thought about turning the tables and asking him after he get's raped, just what he did to bring it on?How were you dressed? I told him not a good idea to go there with me on that. I can assure you none of my room mates or boyfriend's or even my ex could ever say I flirted or dressed provocatively and if I did alone with my partner well that just isn't anyone else's business but my own.

With this animal magnetism thing and animal attraction and animal instincts I'm feeling well of course this is going to be about Mother Nature one last time. Lets just say I'm seeing Primal. Thing's are going to get very Primal. By the time this is done it will be about Primal Fear with Mother Nature and God. It's going to be ugly for just awhile. Well I have figured out I am the bait this time around. A couple of day's ago Cindy gave me something on the tenth Chakra. I knew Chakra's had something to do with this but I thought their were only 7 or 8. I had no idea that the heart was a Chakra. It said something about when this is open you see clearly and feel clearly. That is what they did to me in the beginning. They opened me up wide. They showed me so much all at once for the first couple of months after that each month was something different a new lesson a new point of view. Now I wonder of what they showed me is just a sliver, because if it is more I'm in trouble. Better of than others are going to be.

I hate this, it makes me cry. i'm tired of crying, I'm tired of this pain in my heart. All this worry. All this pain. I'm so sick of this rain. The tears the fears, for my family here on this planet. I'm not worried about them upstairs. Particularly the bigger pieces of my heart. The one's I hold inside me, my dear children. I want to scream inside all these storms a brewing. In the movie or book left behind. People were lost they didn't know what to do. I don't want my children to be lost like me. I want you to be found. I don't want you to cry. I want to catch you when you fall. Let me wrap my arm's around you one more time before I die.

I want it to be my face they see each night when they bow their heads.
I want it to be me they see standing there with their Father, each time they reach for the Sun.
I want them to put their weight and burden's on me, so I can wipe the tears away.
I want them to know everything I have been through was really for them so they don't have too.
I want them to know they will never weather any storm like me.
I want them to know there LOVE will never be taken for granted
I want them to know there bodies will never be used and abused
I want them to know I am always here for them even when I am not close by
I want them to know I heard every word ever said
I want them to know I felt every tear drop
I want to be the one they see every time they close there eyes.
I want it to be me
I want it to be me they see when they walk into the light.
Each blessed child of mine
I want it to be me they see every time they see a sunflower
I used to sing to them you are my sunshine
and in the morning when they awoke I would sing
Good Morning! Good Morning! I love you!

02/29/2016
Well I have certainly had another bad luck day. I have to take a class through the State. One day I walked for 45 minutes trying to find the place. No make up days that week. So I had to wait until the following week and then it was canceled. Tried again this morning, I got given two different direction's and I was late, so I heard sorry come back tomorrow. Funny thing, there was a guy I knew from North Bend and he happened to walk by me waiting for the bus. Red headed alcoholic, still practicing. He really is a sweet heart of a guy. Red head again and I couldn't remember his name but I think it starts with a K. After he walked away I sat there and cried. I just cry and feel someone else's hurt inside and I have accepted this part of me, so I just let the emotion move through me.

I figured out last night that the people I have met that look so familiar out here homeless, in the psych ward, which really was just like a hospital, not a dungeon well not to me anyways except I wanted outside to run in the woods again. They were outside and I could see the tree's but not smell or touch them. As far as me saying the word dungeon it is because that is probably how these people feel locked inside the parts of there minds that they don't understand.

When I was younger I would notice how people looked alike. I could picture them all separated out being sorted by categories of features.  It didn't matter what the class of people were it was the features I noticed. I spoke to someone from High School last night on IM I asked if he or his brother had a daughter? The one that looked just like her grandmother. I had no idea what her name was until I saw her wrist band. It was Pickett. I asked her what her fathers name was? She wasn't sure but she thought it was James. So this is what I figured out with all this familiarity and what and who represents who and who? These names, these faces have all crossed paths before through the generations. This time back it is the ones out here who hurt in there mind and bodies represent someone who is hurting somewhere in my old classmates lives. Until I talked to Cary last night I wasn't sure what that part of this was all about.

At times I try to ignore names or I let it go, put it on the back burner until he or she pops up again. Until the numbers keep coming back around. It doesn't matter at times how hard I try not to go there with someone they keep reminding me there is someone out there I need to remember or touch base with. I have done this most my life looking back. I would do a check in with people just to see what is up. For example, Jason Parker. A block down from where I am at is Jason Ave and behind me it's something like Parker Street. He is the one who's father I would see hurting. His pain is the burden he carries through the generations.

With the word association, some again I just can't ignore. Like in the Davinci Code on utube, there was something on there about Mt.Si. That is right where I was at. Where I used to reside with my family and children. There was the name niecy and I had a niecy in my house at the time and a few other thing's I noticed. Oh yes, ISIS. Oh yes the Leo's, It explained why I was using fist like rocks. I was wondering earlier why I was writing thing's like my mountains, my valleys, my river's of blood that flow's. I didn't get it but now looking back I would bet this has to do with Mother Nature.

I see so many people around me suffering from migraines. They didn't normally get them, now they are. I even had some guy whom I had just met I think his name was Tony. He didn't even know me but he got in my face holding his head and he kept repeating, Colleen, why am I getting migraines? I've had it for three weeks now, what is up with this? Even when I tell people the truth of what is happening about energy and cause and effect they won't listen. So why do I even bother? Quite frankly their are day's I am to tired to listen. I put my ear plugs in sometimes just so I won't hear the conversations that go on around me. People who say they understand when I say I need to turn off. They don't really, especially if they want to make it about them again. It doesn't matter how nice or firm I am, some people can be so needy, they want me to understand them, the way they want me to understand them, instead of trying to explain, I already know because all those details they want to share is just cause and effect of the bigger picture that I see. People like to make things so much harder than they really are. They want details, they want answers right now. They just can't let go enough to open up to the possibility that I'm right.

In the beginning you have no idea how wrong I wanted things to be.  The night I ran out of my room and saw the eagle fly over my head. It was Twin Peaks 20th anniversary in North Bend. Sorry I tried to chalk it up to that. I even excepted that at the current time I was the crazy log lady acting all peculiar.

I know I wrote about going back in time, I discovered a couple day's ago their is a leap day this month and Easter. My grandmothers name was Lilly. I have no idea what the dates of any moon's are yet. I truly don't focus on any one thing. I wait till I notice something, then it finally Dawn's on me how many times the moon has come up or a name. As something unusual is said or happen's I realized I categorize things in my mind and when it comes back up I check the file. That is the time that they show me thing's over time and slowly show me how big this really is. If you think I go around in my life on some kind of power trip, like I'm in control. Not even close. How can I when I see and feel the pain of others inside me? Only someone with a truly cold heart would enjoy something like that. To use someone's pain and suffering for control is just down right wrong. I have discovered we do this every day to each other without even realizing it. Like when we want someone to get bad Karma, which is cause and effect or when we say God will punish you for what you have done to me. Cause and effect in words and energy again. No one want's to pick up their own shit let alone someone else's. So we tell each other just what they need to do to fix their lives and they get angry at you for their unrealistic expectations. All that just keeps building and building all that animosity turn's to despair inside us.

I want my life back, I want all of me this time. Not just bits and pieces of me. I want to be free to be me without all the fear and hurt I see inside. I want to be accepted for who I really am inside and not condemned or feared because someone else or something else poisoned your mind against me. I don't know if they want me to let all my anger and rage and everything I have held in for so long, out all at once and then I can let it all go at the right p[lace and right time. When I was little I used to sing another little tune. "Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead." I still see one more silver bullet and a bloody knife. Is it for me or Him. I do not know, but I am willing to find out. They promised me I will get back up. I have heard this from the beginning, I never connected it to JC.  I read somewhere that someday someone is going to come along and they are just going to know things they should not even know. It was pretty shocking for me to realize that someone was me. I had a conversation with Kiley not to long ago. I said "Kiley, sometimes our poison's are our antidotes. I was talking about the inoculations and it made me think about the country that is using meth to withdrawal these people. At first I thought it was a good idea but now that I know their is a demon involved I'm not so sure. Now I think I am or was the poisonous energy. I said to Shari Peterson once the one in my wedding that when I looked at pictures of us ttogetherback then I wondered why no one else noticed how much alike we really look. I said to her I don't want to live in Renton when I come back from California, I fell like there is a dark cloud there. She wasn't happy but she was adopted, looking back my mother lived in Renton. The last time I saw my mother and sister. They lived in the same town but did not speak, life time restraining order. My sister had her accident and got vertigo really bad and my mom started getting vertigo too. I also thought about whatever country has the atom bomb using it to attract whatever is here since the E.T. is attracted to it. In the beginning this is about Atom, Atom's and Adam. I said something like Adam does not know that he gave Eve the poisonous Apple. I don't know if that is Greg toward me or Kyle's life somehow impacting mine and my body and the planet is affected by me or me by it? I'm not sure. I know what happened to him. The double impact he took inside turned into two bouts of cancer. While raising ten red-heads, all ADHD, with two set of twins in the seven. Thank God he had money and land. Jesus Christ. They kicked his ASS all the way around. He still got up and fed those baby girls. He knew he had a commitment to those Mothers Upstairs. He couldn't fall apart. He had to block the bitches who wanted him for his money to send those girls to another place or school or just neglect and abuse them for their own greed. He walked everyday through the pain and he never let go. That is will. He has a strong will, I just realized that. He has a big heart. Two of them and he doesn't even know it, he doesn't understand, that is why I wanted to tell him myself, so I can help him to understand just why they knocked him down wasn't to hurt him but to make him stronger on the inside. I just got the impact of what that means a lil more. I know I had a crazy conversation with him, the one where I said what has to go down. The one I truly could not make up, my imagination just isn't that great and if you think I want to do what I told you needs to be done, it makes me so angry inside, because again I didn't get to choose. I'm not given a choice in any of this and with a stranger at that it really pisses me off. If you think I like exposing myself like this you are all so wrong. It truly is about my Children and your's. Those pheromones I spread around that truckstop when no one touched me. Those pheromones you spread when someone did. Either way this is going to hurt. They made me go through migraines with my children, no taking time out for that. They have kicked my ass out here inside and out, not to take me down but to make me stronger inside and out. They have opened my eyes a long time ago. Truly I don't feel anything like I did in the beginning when they cracked my heart open to let me see what is inside. I'm not even that passionate, I'm hurt and I'm so angry inside. I'm so ready for a throw down right now you have no idea. They asked me in the beginning "if they can come inside me to save my family?" I said yes, my family is your's and we all connect from there. I'm sorry believe me when I say I didn't want it to go down this way. I wanted a good life with my children and a good man who had my back. I wanted to be loved and to pass that onto my children and if this is what I have to do, put my life on the line like this then so be it. Anything for my babies. Anything for my brothers. Especially my sisters. They won't stop jumping around on my head. I think they gave me this Migraine I woke up with. My Father told me last night he is worried about my sister and if her pain inside represents her body and all she has gone through then that is enough pain for me. Let's not forget the Fathers.

In the beginning I gave my writing to a East Indian Man I had just one conversation with. He works at Warrior Number Two. I remember writing I need warrior number ONE. I gave him my writing in the beginning what is going to go down. I wasn't sure when. Some of us had some catching up to do. A lot of lessons in all the lives and generations they have put me through right here on this planet. I didn't know it was about Mother Earth either. I had no idea. Why would I stand across from a East Indian man with a blue turban on his head and me wearing feathers in my hair if we weren't brother and sister a long time ago. We aren't the only brother and sister out there. My life goes on and on and even in this life I touched a lot of people in a lot of different classes. Good or bad I'm glad we have hope again. Apparently I have all white animals up in that great big sky. Those are my spirit brother and sisters and so do all of you. We are all connected. Good or bad we all agreed to come back and take on this pain in all kinds of different ways. We all represent each other. We can spread the LOVE. I heard we are going back to the 60's and if that is what it's going to take to spark this fire then let's everyone spread the good LOVE and let's get rid of this EVOL. Cause and effect between the investors/Corporations, this E.T. and the Fallen Angels. If I've fallen from grace to hide in the dark, so be it. Now that I see what I see, I'm done. I've had enough.

I think they have turned any negative in me into a positive. If that is the case Thank God! I am so sick of this shit. It truly can't get any worse. Maybe it can because it hasn't hit me just what this truly really means the impact of the bigger picture hasn't truly hit me yet. I have been carrying this poem around for the last 8 months. My other copies are gone. The other three. With the way stuff disappears out here, I decided I'm going to post this. If it goes missing I don't want anyone else to get credit for something I did. I had a conversation with my daughter Alex before she left. She was worried about her side business she started. She said she doesn't want someone to take something away from her that she started. I understood just what she meant. I had a Mary Stone in my life too. She took everything, for greed. She gave Greg a $12,000 bill for her services that I told him nothing is free in this world. He handed it over. Then she taught my children values and principals. I couldn't and I can't believe the irony, but I do love irony. I can't even keep track of my own bags anymore or just where I put things or drop thing's. I remember saying at one time it is like everyone is just standing back and watching, even the undercover police. God only knows who else at this point but I might not have trust for my brothers but I have trust for my family upstairs, After all they see the bigger picture even more than me. For the longest time I wondered who that woman was I saw standing in that medieval white dress with curly hair down to her waist. It was like I was seeing out of her eyes then down up on her. When they said bride, at that church I was so pissed off, you have no idea. You have no idea how much this pisses me off. No more pieces of paper for me. It cost to much money and pain. After what I went through with cause and effect, never again. I hate this shit, but March is a long month. All these people standing around waiting to see what happens to your fate and this planet well it just might be to late for you but not my Mother or Sisters. Not my Brothers. Brother Red, I still want to kick his ass and a few others while I am at it. For now I prefer the easier softer way and later on whatever they deem necessary to wake me up. I remember writing it is going to all come back at once, then black out. I don't know just what that means but no more hospitals for me. I'm not letting someone stick a needle in my arm and knock me out. No one is going to slow me down again or turn me off. I make the choices about my body and if I'm not able My Father Will. Thy Will Not Mine.

So here goes it, this belongs to me and not anyone else.

A Mothers Prayer (I just made up this title, just now)

From the first time I saw you, from our first talk
HHMMM....This is a good man, this is a good man
From the next time I saw you, that bald head I see
HHHMM...I like that bald head, that bald head I see
I like this man, I like this man
I always saw you Kyle, I heard every word
You stand by with your coffee, hanging around
I saw you Kyle, I always saw you
From the slouch of your shoulders, right down to your feet
HHMMMM...I like that man, I like that man
HHMMMM... I like his nose, I like that nose
It's a beautiful nose,
HHMMMM...I like this man
I saw you Kyle, I always saw you
HHMMMM...I like this man, this man is mine
We will run in the sun Kyle
We will splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon Kyle
We will dance in the rain
HHMMMM...I like this man, this man is mine
Give me all your pain Kyle, give me all your fears
Give me all your sorrows, your anger and rage
Give me your burdens, I'll kiss your tears away
We will howl at the moon Kyle, we will dance in the rain
Give me all your rage Kyle, give me your pain
I will take it inside me, I will wash it away
Let me fill the hole in your heart Kyle, give it to me hard
Let me heal you with my love, let me lighten up your heart
We will howl at the moon Kyle, We will dance in the rain
We will play in the sand Kyle and splash in the sea
I see you Kyle, I've always seen you, You are not alone
We will run in the sun Kyle, we will splash in the sea
That purple aura above you, makes me drop to my knees
You will never stand alone Kyle, I will represent.
You will never sleep alone Kyle, I will always be near
Tucked up underneath or over the top
Where you go Kyle, I go too
We will howl at the moon and dance in the rain
Give me all your rage Kyle, I'll take it all in
Give me all your fears Kyle, I will wash it away
What you feel Kyle, I feel too
You cry Kyle, I cry too
I like this man, this man is mine
I will lift those heavy shoulders, I will take away your pain
I will fill you up with love Kyle, I will wash away your tears
Give me all your pain Kyle, Give it to me hard
We will run in the sun Kyle we will play in the sand
We will howl at the moon Kyle and dance in the rain
I will bow before my King Kyle, I will honor you
Where you go Kyle, I go too
Give me all the bad, sad and ugly if it's you Kyle, it's all beautiful to me
To me you're beautiful, I will represent
Wherever you be Kyle, I will be there too
Wherever you go Kyle my home is with you
Let me touch you skin Kyle, I want to inhale your scent
We will play in the sun and splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon Kyle and dance in the rain
HHMMMM...I like this man, this man is mine, I will represent
I will kiss away the tears Kyle, I will wash them away
I am standing here before you Kyle, do you know who I am?
That purple aura above your head, this diamond rock in my hands
I'm standing here before you Kyle do you know who I am?
I've traveled through these valleys, my purple socks up on my feet
I am standing here before you Kyle, Do you know who I am?
I will honor the Mothers, I will honor this Father
I will honor his tribe, I will take them by the hand Kyle, I'll help you guide
I'm standing here before you, do you know who I am?
I've walked through someone else's valley of death
You've come through the fire Kyle no worse for wear
Your beautiful Kyle, Your beautiful to me Kyle
It's pretty ironic, this last time we come back
I was raised by a schizophrenic mom, absent alcoholic father
All I wanted was my children and the love of a man
He burned out my fire with his lazy demands
He left me to die, and tossed me out with the trash
I said to God, I don't need love God, I don't need love
Just as long as he loves his children, maybe he'll love me through them
That did not happen, I was abandoned and alone
Come to find Kyle, he loved another man
It was good to me Kyle, I did not care
If you love yourself Kyle, that love can grow into your children
That's all that mattered to me,
His hate for me, is the hate for himself.
I pray he steps out of the closet and into the light
Then and only then can he be the man and Father he was truly meant to be
Here you are raising 10 children, all ADHD and all on your own
Two bouts of cancer you suffered alone
You stood by your children I don't care what you lost
What you lost I carry close to my heart.
I was told I'd lose my small intestine for everybody else's shit.
It's a small price to pay Kyle our bodies represent
Those two Mothers up above, told me who who we represent
It's a new chapter, it's a new book.
I don't want to waste anymore time Kyle, no more separate nights
No more standing alone Kyle, no more lonely nights
Do you know who I am Kyle? Do you know who we represent?
That purple aura above your head, that diamond rock lay upon my hands.
We will run in the sun Kyle, we will splash in the sea
We will howl at the moon, and dance in the rain
We've got four years left Kyle, not one more lonely night
I like this man, I love this man, this man of mine
I will Honor the Mothers, I will Honor this Father
I will help guide his tribe, I will represent.
Do you know who I am Kyle? Do you know who we represent?
Not one more minute, not one more wasted minute.
I love you Kyle, I always have to infinity and beyond baby, to infinity and beyond.
I will represent, and Honor this Father, this Man of MINE

You know when I first wrote this it was the night after they woke me up. At first I didn't know what was going on or even who they were. I used to cry when I read this a long time ago. It's been a long time since I read it and I didn't read it before I wrote that I was going to post this. I am so cringing right now, I want to be sick. I can't believe I even wrote this let alone felt this strongly about I man I've only had very few conversations. Reading this now makes me understand why I said the things I did. It makes more sense, but right now I'm not feeling the LOVE, not at all. I agreed to look crazy not some deprived lost lorn puppy. Are you kidding me? When I get up there I swear I am going to throttle every last one of them for putting me through all this embarrassment actually I haven't been to embarrassed about any of what I've done except that day on the phone when I said I got your balls. That was pretty mortifying. If you truly knew who I am, you would know I would never do any of this. This was never me. At his moment I think the Angels, Guides or Legends or whatever you want to call them, wrote this not me. I am so HOT, right now. You better be worth this that is all I have to say. I just want this over with, not for me but my children and theirs. My daughters wrote me a poem back saying he will come, it was beautiful I read it and cried sitting on the red rock along with something someone else wrote when he said he would dedicate a star to me, It was stolen from me too.

Put yourself in my shoes on this journey after all this I have been through and found out, just how far would you go for your daughters?  This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg for what I have been through, this is only one small part of my story. Someday's I'm angry, someday's I'm sad, the tears only last a moment now. The waves of emotion wash through me faster and faster. I want balance, I prayed a long time ago for peace and I didn't even know I was praying, they took me back. I just want to laugh, have fun and spread the LOVE any way I can. My way, the way they taught me from up above, not someone else's sick idea of what LOVE really is.

One other thing I called out for one eye like 8 or nine months ago. He was a classmate that lost his eye. His last name was Codiga. Someone else in the class below me lost a eye in a firework accident. Last name Burger. I love fireworks. It makes me angry they are taking away that tradition too.

Someone gave me this the other day from Mother Teresa of Calcutta,

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for,forgotten by everybody is a much greater hunger than the person who has nothing to eat, this goes along with we all feed ourselves something. What do you feed your children?  Is the life you want to feed your children?

I'm listening to the short documentary on End of Day's. Seriously? This is everything I have been talking about. Everything I have been writing about. If any of you think that when I grew up I would ever talk about God or any of this you have no idea how wrong you are. I didn't know it existed somewhere out there in one place. I new the catholic church had something to do with this and geology, which I don't know about. I've never been anywhere. I knew it had to do with war and the power outage only it will be not only North and South with Putin and Obama but upstairs and downstairs with Heaven and Hell and Heaven and whatever that E.T. thing is I see. The last time I went back to that place I think it was I don't remember January first maybe, I walked to that pipe with a friend, I walked through it I felt nothing, my friend was walking behind me and he got pushed down.

Yes, now I remember the word Shite on that Davinci Code Documentary. When this started the first thing I yelled out was "Oh come on, not this shit again. I hate that word, absolutely hate it. I think it is disgusting all the way around and my modesty on this is extreme however I have been using it a lot. It was the word my mother used to use, again mine was Dammit. I don't usually even swear so much but at times I get so angry at the things I go through just getting through this system and seeing the other people hurting. Let's not forget sending my children to other states and countries. Ironic that Kiley is on a women's training mission for God. Alex through her college is there in Thailand to learn about the planet. If the leader of Russia is a sign and Obama like I heard tonight then whatever is going on with WWIII then America will be protected. I don't know what Washington they plan on hitting. I think here. That pipe bomb down by highway 18 is any sign then the time is drawing near.

03/01/2016
This is what I posted on Facebook today I thought it might be nice to share. A bit more food for thought you might say. Lead with what is in your heart not by what others see. You might not know it but you are being watched upstairs. It doesn't matter what people see here, it doesn't matter how big your wallet or your house. It matters what is inside your heart. If you are doing something just to earn brownie points, it isn't real and it will likely fall apart. You can go ahead and build a house from straw and come that first storm it will fall to pieces. Stop building your house on a shaky foundation and crossing your fingers behind your back, depending on good luck. Hoping no one else will notice just how weak you really are. This is not real when push comes to shove those domino's will fall right along with your family, your loved ones. Don't follow that panic button that goes off in your head, the one that say's me me me I I I. It is only real when you follow your heart, that is what they see. That is what matters. It is only real when you do something good from the heart, no string's attached. That is what they see. They know you better than your family down here, they see the bigger picture. The people down here might have good intentions, but they only see one small part of the picture when they try to fix you. Some of these good intentions might be stressing you out might be dragging you down, rise above it. Follow what is in your heart. It's that easy to get on the path to happiness. Happiness grow's and so does that bleeding heart. It grows and grows.

I am so fed up with all these computers and software applications. We are on information over load and it stresses people out. These computers with key boards that don't work so great, spell check's that are outdated or just plain don't have the word your trying to spell. Not even close. I put my heart my soul in this stuff and out of everything it's the technology that get's me real mad. You probably wonder how I go from one thing to another but it's just the way I am. Especially since I have discovered just how this system of overloaded information really suppresses you and holds you down. There is a place for technology and truly I love the library and getting to use the computers I would just like it to work. I was in a class this morning and the computers just bouncing from one screen to the next was a long waiting period. That is our wonderful technology in our state. It affects my state of mind. All the excuses to many people on the server, to many people all at once. If you offer a service you should be able to full fill it. I'm just getting tired of broken promises all the way around today. All this waiting, being patient, all this hurry up and wait to have to wait on a system that isn't there to back you up like they said they would.

A couple day's ago I saw a huge rainbow cast over Renton High School from end to end it was awesome. I didn't care who saw me with my black umbrella standing in the corner in the rain with my right hand in the air, saying the Lords prayer. Sorry if that offend's, actually I'm not, I can pray anywhere I choose. I don't need to be in a building or on a special land to give thanks for that beautiful sign, right when I needed to see it. I am a peaceful person, but also I am a lil RAM.


 Yes! I figured it out tonight when I was walking in the rain in Renton. The other big issue in the bible is brother does not lie with brother. You all thought it was about sexual encounters, thats why all this sexual confusion all the way around. That's why people being different on the inside than they feel on the outside. Yes! It was a ending of this lie. It is the end's of time for this lie and confusion. All the way around. They don't care who you love as long as it is clean love. I don't mean sexual positions like missionary. How boring is that anyway. The same thing all the time the same way what a rut. Alway's being on the bottom never the top. That is also why I get upset when people forgot about mother nature. The last time that God hit this planet and God only knows how many other times but I think those greek mythology and stuff just maybe real. That is why I see this. You all thought it was just God, not even close. That was Mother nature all wrapped up in that. It is not about servitude between man and woman. They go hand and hand. Yes! I got this one. Yes! I read something once that God can't be everywhere that is why we have Mothers. The other half of that equation. It is never a Straight line between man and woman especially with children. The love isn't so straight either. When one drops the ball the other picks up. That is why I wrote long ago. I like to poke the bear. Before that I learned not to poke the bear. Easier softer gentle way is the Mothers touch. SOmetimes you just got rouse these brothers of mine.

At the time that a guy named Matthew in that third place I think he said it was in Matthew even, I couldn't find it. I was confused. I knew they didn't care and I thought it wasn't the point I just didn't know why. Now when they show me something, I don't harp on it or rack my mind, I put it away until it comes back up. They have taught me so much even when I don't know they are showing me something or I think it's me who is talking my voice it turns out it is one of them coming back around. Getting me to the next base. Anyways I digress, I was confused because until I saw Noah, the Movie I didn't know there was a third brother. I think his name starts with a S. Who ever he was. Just because you think he is dead does not mean that Brother is dead and gone. POOF! Out of the story forever. The trinity. The brother does not lie with brother means a prediction a end of times. They do not lie together in evil. If they were going to be able to then it would be the death of us.

What got me to thinking about this is Brothers. Brother Red saw me first. Way back when from my childhood sometime. He started me on this journey. I followed him around in my head. I didn't here his words but I respond with answers. Thats is why I don't always know which brother is working through me. It's pretty much my voice having conversations on stuff I didn't know about. It wasn't about sex people, that is a huge part of turning LOVE into EVOL, all the shame from the beginning. Not good. These men who molest felt something missing from mommy dearest I guess. Or they feel shame for being more feminine in side they turn to children, boy's or girls depending on what happened to them that broke their heart or mad e them feel that hole I guess. Anyways if only Brother Red really saw me for who I am first, then someone else saw me too. They saw something in me. Maybe something familiar, who the heck knows. That means I have two people on this planet who truly know what is going to go down and before that it was the Mothers who woke me up. Even before the two red's. When they asked to come into me to save my family. It was women I was making agreements with first. I didn't even know about brother RED when this started.

This better work. Okay! the other part I said earlier Adam didn't know he fed Eve the poison Apple. Later I learned Eve talked to the serpent and Adam placed the blame on her right off the bat. That label stuck on her even though they were both in the Garden. She should of never been alone with the snake or made to feel unworthy in the first place. So Greg, doesn't understand this energy thing. The sabotage and the lies for money.Because I was no longer a use to him. Sometimes people always want to take the easy road. It didn't work out Mary Stone cost him so much more than he will ever know. I would of been just fine working side by side. He has no idea just how much I did. Even my own sleep clinic doctor said, Colleen you do the work of three women in one day. My reply was Greg said just a little more time, it didn't ever come, he took me down because he knew he could. Before Mary Stone Greg wasn't arrogant. He might of been lazy but arrogance really wasn't to much part of his make up. She put him in the hole financially. She got more money than me after all those years. I still didn't care about the money. I was selling the house and had three offers, but Alex said mom I want the house. I signed it over I walked away. It was there first home in this family. It might not of been real pretty or a mansion, but it was the first family home my girls had. It's not about blame like you think it is about cause and effect. I'm just figuring it out after what they told me. Putting the pieces together.

So the thing about Adam not knowing he fed Eve the poison apple is because of cause and effect on my body. I couldn't have emotions with Greg. So I held in the energy of that poison, then he planted a label. Just like Eve. Just because you can blame someone else doesn't mean you should. So many of us do not understand that we pass energy along in our actions. It's not always about the words. So I can't get Greg to wake up. Those are my baby girls all the way out there. I told him a long time ago when this hits, you send every mother fucking dog to me. I got this fight! So when these lights go out things are going to be real ugly in the dark. You better rely on instinct, scent and gut feeling. That is why they have woken up so many of my senses. So many animal instincts.

This is not just about heaven and hell and the bad seeds in the alien pod. Remember that cause and effect in the universe and the Aliens are affected by this planet too. They are sick of this shit too. They gave us science and medical. They were more advanced to help us that way. There is still one huge great big huge grand daddy of all grand daddy's on this one. Even the Alien's have't seen his power in a long time. He's the invisible one swinging around the back. He's the one coming up behind. So trinity people.

This is what I see, This isn't about three brothers this time. This is about two brothers and one sister. Right here on this ground. But wait. I have 2 red giant Red Heads. I have That LaKota Sister, and who ever the Irish woman is. I'm hoping that Asian figure is about all Asian's. So Toa or buddha. I don't know yet.

These women were the queen's to the kings. It was never about servitude in this family. It was about teamwork. When one drops the ball the other picks up. That is all.

I figured out two more major things in these big books. The sexual confusion, the Adam and EVE stuff. Still never read one, but I know anyone can take a good book and make it bad. Do you really think a religion about getting 17 virgin's is real? To blow up your children because you can as a short cut to heaven. God any God up there is going to see that as Loving and God like. Please the depravity in these ones and brainwashing is so deep. Big holes in that group. They are desperate. Please we are all using and feeding off our children. Even the ones with good intentions and the ones who mean well and some just don't know any better. Stop pro-creating and spreading your seed making babies you can't feed. Women having babies to hold onto a man for love. Honey if you don't know what LOVE is then don't have a baby. I know now it is so hard, with all these broken homes. Trying to fill that empty hole isn't the way to do it not with another life on the line. Oh we all are, well most to be more specific are feeding something and expecting less and less and we settle for less than. Looking for love from each other.  Can't find love in a broken home, and well some are just an illusion. This will change for the better. I see that clearly, and I can't wait to spread the LOVE the right way.

You remember maybe Greg's coldness was just a way to make me stronger for this time. It was always a "oh buck up and a punch in the arm. In some of the most detrimental times. Oh if not, after this is over I am going to hang him by his testicles. That man better start to see something very soon. He is killing me and he doesn't even know it. Let's not forget cause and effect North and South. One other thing Michael mad a new friend awhile back from Canada. They screwed up on surgery on his testicles, sent him to the US for repairs, then sent him a letter that he is a dredge on Society. He has to figure out a way to go back home to his wife. He misses her. This is not a good testicle sign to have. Turn's out he is Cherokee and a good old boy at that. So the way I see it, his agreement upstairs for this sign is huge. Big burden to carry to agree upstairs to take that on. he chose to risk those testicles for us. He may not be very pretty, but I see the beauty in people, from the inside. You don't even know. All these homeless people have huge homes upstairs, that I do know. The mothers who lost there children, those women upstairs for generations are very angry for taking the heat. Those Mothers are coming back full throttle. You forgot about Mother Nature, You forgot about God's wife, and she is not carrying this burden anymore. God takes care of his wife and she takes care of Him. With these two upstairs I see balance, I see peace at last for all eternity. Her love of her children's Love will never be taken for granted, they will not be treated like a work horse. They carry the burden's together. Cause and effect people. Time to start cherishing these mothers, these daughters, these sisters, without them no energy, no good energy, no planet to feed her children, they aren't just HIS. They share in the burden's. No more burden's people, Peace, Harmony, Joy and Love. Mutual Respect, no more OBEY. Honor and Trust. No more signing in her blood.

03/01/2016

I think I figured out this Color Code and just who I ma and what my colors represent. A few years back my sister handed me my red mitten's with 2 green stripes and two pink stripes and 1 purple stripe. I think that is the numbers of the colors. I needed heavier red mitten's. Talk about how just the right thing pops up in just the right color at the right time. A thick pair of Red Black and White mittens appear in just my size. They have the Canadian Leaf on the outside. I carry those and I wear them and other days I might just need thin gloves. It's funny the colors of those that pop up at just the right time or later I will make the connection with my colors and the day I'm having. Where I wore them and what intersections I walked through wearing them.

So in the beginning I saw a lot of Red and Blacks. But Now I'm seeing the white. Are you catching my drift here? The trinity of the colors and just what my families colors represents. My true Colors, My True Nature on the inside of me. I have talked about we all have A Lot of black in us. I guess you can say I am Red, Black and White on the inside of me. These black Ladies Have all said to me after I have had enough with some of this crazy behavior from these women, the impact on all of us with this bad, selfish behavior. They either say "Oh No! Oh No! Did you see her backpedal? Oh NO Girl you had that one. No one needed to say a word, you were all over that. I'm not bragging because I don't like to get mad to the point of having enough. It's my family teaching me about myself. Even the bad lessons you might think are bad, getting angry and putting someone in place without tearing them down. Just calling out the behavior. You might not know this but sisters can be a real pain in the ass too. Always right behind you in tight spots with their backpacks, knocking each other over just trying to get to the next location in this tiny blue house. Just like V's house was Pepto Bismol Blue. Everyone said that doesn't make any sense, until they saw it. Plus V. Drove a big Bright Blue Truck, I saw another Blue Truck. I just remembered this right behind me the whole day I stood on that oil can. I had no idea who's truck it was, but when I finally was able to get off that oil can, I went and sat on the edge by the door and later I turned around. I tried the door handle and I was going to say take me anywhere. I didn't care where I went just anywhere but here. I wasn't so sure that I wanted to do what they asked. I didn't care for about 10 seconds, luckily the door was locked. I knew it wasn't meant to be. Evidently I had more to do.f I was hoping that was the one crazy thing they wanted me to do. Stand on a oil can in the middle of a truck stop. I think that was the first stand of many more in all this injustice, never getting anywhere in all this red tape, the buses are such a set back on time and stress. Try to manage your time, Call customer service and ask where is the bus I've been here for over a hour. They look at the computers and insist it was there. Only to find out it wrecked right before me. You can't rely on computers for customer service. It does not replace the real thing. Only more stress in the middle of this information technology that takes us down.

Let me tell you some of what I learned today. Not good, not by any means. I am angry.
Actually I'll start with my notes that popped into my head.

So much ego in the men and women today. It is pretty much wide spread. Which makes me think of this Zeka Virus. My mothers name is Zina, big clue. It is all about population control this one is and many others. Lets look at it affecting the fetus, Now it's a STD.

Didn't Aids start out with the Monkey's? I wonder what happened in HIM. You know cause and effect of the heart is it what's to come or has it already passed? I never know about the two's some day's. Two minutes, 2 week's two month's or I realized I think I've been on this part of the Journey four four and a half years. So who know's?

I remembered today that while I was having a busy day running all over I got hungry and I ate out of Greg's garden. This is one of his two and I ate out of it twice. The First time one red beet. I had never eaten a beet like this before. It was the first for me. I found seven small strawberries and three bigger ones. Now I did not choose that was all that he had for me to eat. I filled his beer bottle with water and drank out of it.

The next time all I found was 7 small tomato's and 3 bigger ones and I think three strawberries. That is all I found again. He is also a bee keeper and I wrote somewhere Greg remember Honey turn's to glass. Now I know why? I learned this eating two peanut butters the same brand. Both creamy and Cyndi New put Honey in One a long time ago and forgot. I was eating peanut butter with a spoon. Big shards of glass was in my mouth. My sweet friend almost killed me and didn't know it. I laughed and I learned something new. Just like the day I was eating my favorite cereal, coconut something and it had slivers of nuts. I was sitting around the fire pit, all happy. I remember kicking my feet then something formed in my mouth. It was like the number eight. It placed itself perfectly in the two missing teeth I have on the bottom of my left jaw. I couldn't bite it or break it. It was no nut I ever ate before.

I saw one little crab apple on my way to the bus today. I found out that on been verified, you know that background search stuff. That it was not true. It says I have five criminal charges. So if someone wants to pull up misinformation on me their is nothing I can do. You know when someone else screws up how come I am left holding the bag trying to clean up this mess. In the gauntlet of information technology. It is not the first time. My Mother pulled some serious stuff on my credit report. Right from the start of my life. I had a new car I had it over one year not one missing payment or late and I couldn't get a gas card. I was told if I wanted to fix it I would have to send out 300 hundred letters to 300 different places to explain the circumstances. I didn't need a gas card that bad. I wanted it for budgeting and tracking spending. When we bought are first house when I was working and then Greg started as a Chiropractor, that loan officer said she had never seen such beautiful credit. Funny my sister married a man who's X wife happened to have her first and middle name. So when she married Brad who inherited this woman's credit report and what a migraine that was to clean that mess up.

Let's not forget the car accident Greg caused with me my sister James and Adam and he took no responsibility. I have a degenerative disk now and my sister so took the brunt of that car accident and I didn't even know it but Greg did. Or he should of. This car accident is where my sister life fell apart. Who stops at the bottom of a hill of ice with a car coming up on the other side of a hill. We get rear ended by Adam and after I couldn't get Greg to adjust my neck. He made Adam do it and accused him of causing it. When I was pregnant I had to pay another Chiropractor two block over to adjust me. It took Greg minimum three days after to get to me and even then he was to burdened.

When my Grandmother died. My Mom's mom. Greg called me on her death bed and told me I was being rude to the people that were coming over to our house for a paint party if I was not there. I was four months pregnant with Kiley, the day a RV flipped over and landed 6 feet in front of me. When I got home Greg was lying on the couch and all he said was you almost died today huh? I said yes, almost. The next morning I got up early to set up and hit the hardware store and bar for the keg of beer, for our guest. While I was standing on a ladder painting the trim of a closet door, the phone rings and Greg yells across the room, Colleen, your Grandma just died. The one who took care of me. Who fed me when I was sick. She always nursed me back to health. To this day I want to pick up the phone and call her when I need to remember how to cook something. I remained on the ladder, I didn't say or do anything, I just kept painting. He walked up behind me and said, you are being rude. These people are here to help you. You need to move faster.  I had already asked him for a divorce. When I did that. it was like 3 days later I discovered I was three weeks pregnant with Kiley.  You don't know how many times Greg sent me to fight his battles and he bailed every time.

When I was almost at the end of my pregnancy with Kiley and I couldn't keep driving that Datsun. I needed a bigger reliable safe car. Well I already needed that, but Greg drove my car. For three weeks I searched for cars. He would not acknowledge anything I brought him. I had money saved for the IRS that wasn't due yet. I went down with Alex and picked out a used truck and called him to come sign the papers. After I got the car. It was a Gold Ford Exploder a few years old. I was happy. He got mad because he expected me to rotate cars with him every other day or week. Transfer two children, car seats, diaper bags, pack and play pens. I said nope. I was told I was a selfish bitch. Plus the Toyota was still more economical on gas. He drove long distance.

I did volunteer work the first couple years, that was a big help for clientele when Greg's job fell apart in Seattle. When I said to Greg, that I can't leave Alex. I thought I could just be fine with going back to work. I told him our finances from my end are covered for almost a year. He said "Oh! So what happens after three years of not working? He said this because he felt this is my time off grace period because he didn't work for the three years while he went to college. It was his way of keeping track and just how much I am going to pay for this. Staying home with my children. I said I assure you even if I'm at home, I'm still working, Greg. So much more on this one. I was supposed to go back to school and when I tried he said no. He always pushed for my hobbies my down time or quick get rich things. He switched accountants on me 6 times in two years to try to get a deal. Who does he think had to keep starting over, and only to end up owing way more in the end. Who paid? Me or him? Energy wise and stress it was me. Nothing grows without Light and LOVE. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger or is that just a sign for me?  To save money during all this I cut my daughters hair and his and all four dogs and about every sixth months I'd get a haircut at Gene Juarez. Where I worked as a hair designer. I paid $45.00 and he told me that I am paying to much. Just why do you think my hair cuts lasted so long? A haircut a month for everyone but me. It wasn't okay.  My hair is in a braid today and some guy tried to light my cigarette lighter. Red, white and blue. I said no thanks I have my own. Red, white, and orange red.  He told me to go home let my hair down and take a bubble bath, for him. I said can't do that I am homeless. He told me to listen to the Lena Horne song on my smart phone called, Don't You Change Your Hair For Me. Funny thing is I don't care about my hair or what it looks like. My skin is broken out because I'm either hot, sweaty and wet, or I'm cold, wet and then I'm sweating. No time for a shower. To long of a process and no shower available during the slotted time.

I just though of a sin. EMUSSA!!!! The sin of EMUSSA!!!! The irony in this one. When I saw today on that verification site when I goooled my name. I learned this is my IDENTITY! THIS IS AA LABEL. Look what is in label. It is ABLE. Am I able to walk through this shit? To get mucked up? You know what they say. Lie with dog's and get bit by fleas. Holy crap, I've been bitten up and eaten alive by so many things. You see any poison you take in you build a tolerance. When I was allergic to Mother Nature and everything under the sun, including asthma, I went in for a allergy test. The one where they put a dose of everything in you. I was so allergic. I passed out and went into shock. I went home and slept for three days. Afterwards hardly anything as far as allergies goes. It was a cure for me, but not so much for my sister. After that she became allergic to everything.

Or is this CAIN and ABEL? Now that makes me think about Greg. Is he a illusion? Did he take me down with Mary Stone? Is that our Cane and ABEL fight? Is that how it played out? Is he the one brother who figured out that I am for real? While another Brother sleeps in the woods waiting for the big day? He doesn't even know why? Who's gonna be coming up from behind in this fight? Who's coming in the rear? Did I get it? Did I slide into home plate? Or Who is Gonna Block me? You know I've been foot ball tackled from behind, from A James. He played football and was 180 to 190 pounds, I might of been 93. I just dropped my overalls to climb in to bed. He hit me from behind. This had never happened before. Not even close. I mean who does this, just because I told him, it isn't any of your business where I go, not when you act this way. I'm 32 years old and this is my house and I will not be treated like that. I stayed gone, so he would be asleep when I got home. I went to a friends house across a field. Someone else a alcoholic who just happened to not be drunk, drove me home. He walked home in the freezing cold. I wasn't even drunk. We talked while Shelly slept. Nothing happened not even close. No disrespect either way. I never messed with my friends beaus, Not even close. The weird stuff out of the blew that he spewed out of his mouth. Out of the blue. I was watching TV and nothing had happened and he started saying the most bizarre insane things right out of left field.

We fought he grabbed me by the throat. I said "You wanna feel like a man? I'm a woman, I'm half your weight? Is this what it's gonna take? Let's do this. He let go. He got off me. I grabbed my cell from my pocket he threw it across the room, and said you aren't going any where. No one is gonna help you. I said your right. I pretended to be weak coy and afraid. Like I could hardly walk oh yes this was after round two. I crawled past with a limp. I got out the door and made a bee line for the phone. I dialed 911. The call went through. When they called back the number it was the wrong address. I got accused of not calling for help from the policeman after calling from a pay phone across the street barefoot in a sweat shirt and I think thongs. The first thing that policeman said to me is I have 10 seconds to tell him what happened after that I am done. I didn't say another word. I didn't know what happened. I couldn't explain it. I knew I was lucky to get out alive. Round two he had me pinned on top of me face down. So you see my family prepared me for that rape. Bringing on the pain slowly is a double edge sword. That is for sure.  I didn't cry even then or after. I just kept moving forward to see how this would play out. I got my answers. This was the only one to lay a hand on me. Good or bad I don't have to like all my brothers.

After a conversation with Kiley! She was crying as I walked away. We were both crying after that conversation. I hugged her and I said, All I have to be is willing, I have to walk away. Someday I hope you understand. I wasn't letting her go not ever. All I have to be is willing people. I said on that rock when I was crying under the blood moon. I can walk away, but I can never leave my children. Then I ran into the gold field. I said I don't care about the rats. I don't care about the snakes. I fell asleep in my blue and white sweater. The one when this started I wore as a belt. Then the red white and blue and now just this red white and blue shirt.  After my brother went to Juvie, For running away from my uncles house. My mother and the family blamed him. He was the problem. He is just a problem child. I was living in Rainier Oregon. The place that is about organ's. I inherited my brothers pet rat. I carried it on my shoulder. I kissed it's lil nose. My mother kept taking it across to the acreage across the way. The very next morning, Tambo my lil dog, my best friend, would stand out on the back deck, barking at the rat. Waiting for me at the back sliding door every morning after my mother did that.  My mother did this to all my lil animals. My lil bunny rabbit, and other small dogs. She would tell people she knew a old couple out on a farm looking for just the lil dog. She would drop them off on the road ways in Rainier Organ and Drive away. She did it to my first lil dog Tina. Right in front of me and drove away. I didn't cry then either. I just accepted it. Sometimes when they give you answers it sucks.

This class I'm taking they want me to open a LINKEDIN account. I'm like great, more time, more technology for someone to contact and download me again. I experimented with this one years ago and it was just another bother. Now I have to go through the gauntlet of trying to get that email and password figured out. I said out loud that would be very dangerous of me. A picture. Put my true Identity right out there. Then this came out of me. Out of my lil mind. LINKEDIN= Put out there what you want your future to be. Put it out there put it in writing. Manifest it. Make it happen.
I think I'll call it Aspire 2 Inspire. I mean how else can I explain this employment gap for 8 months after having two jobs. Well you see I've gone on this Vision Quest 2 learn different personalities, and correlate it with there pain and behavior, just who these women really are? Cause and effect with Physical and mental pain, just where the burdens lies through the generations spiritually. I think in the trinity one of them is a woman. I look at there re-actions to triggers of pain. It helps with patience and compassion. I have learned, I only have so much energy to go around. Some I have had to walk away because there pain and burdens are getting to heavy to close and it burns me out. Being patient and understanding. It get's exhausting. Especially when I see the bigger picture and there is nothing I can do. These women live in a society of broken links. They carry the burdens of generations of pain. So do these men. Being in this system. I God! Got me off this!

I have learned somethings just aren't meant to be together. Not this Brother and Brother anyways not like this. Some people don't bring out the best in us. Cause and effect and some things are just part of the big plan. I realized I have been living the twelve steps and serenity prayer everyday on this journey. The one thing missing is acceptance through every step. Acceptance of every emotion, and that it just is. It is not a dooms day to get angry. It may be a blessing in disguise. Something else you don't know about my numbers. The other part of my equation and only my children know. I always told them the truth. Yes! I like this one. Just which one holds the key to that equation you will never know.

You know yesterday I went to lunch for the first time with my friend Julie. Don't get me started with what happened to her in the Navy when she had a baby. This story is not a good one. The treatment of women in the service is atrocious. All this rape and cover up. The service was not fit for women in the first place. I'm not talking about the women. I'm talking about the service. They know better. She just happened to be in it for 3 years, 3 months and three days, until she had a baby. She was threatened with losing her child because she couldn't afford 24 hour daycare for her child. Not on her pay. The baby was going to stay with family, which she really didn't want in the first place. The father had a stroke and they already had 3 children of there own he was the only that worked. They threatened they would turn her into CPS anyway if the daycare plan had she been able to afford it failed. So she had to go out on a less than honorable discharge. How this affected her life you have no idea.

I wrote earlier
Cinderella, Cinderella Children, Glass slipper or boot? What is my destiny? What is my path? The book the Edge of Eternity caught my EYE. Is this edge of eternity just the end or a new beginning? You know that double edge sword? I've lived in some one else's purgatory, that felt like a eternity to me especially these last eight months. Always dangling that Golden Carrot right in front of my EYE. That bright light.  I've lived in eternity for 48 years and I didn't even know it. You know Eternity in the beginning goes on and on from this day forward? Is it a New Day? Is this one the New Dawn? I didn't pick the dates, turn's out neither did he. I don't hit send. Is it my Brothers and Sisters upstairs? Or my Brothers and Sisters down stairs? Let's get this party started. I'm ready to dance. I'm ready to rock and roll.

03/03/2016

As I was walking to the bus I heard the words that they want me to go into the RING OF FIRE. Now when they say something like that I don't know just what that means. It can mean so many things. I forgot there is a Pacific Ring of Fire. I wonder if that will make Mt. Rainier blow. I wonder that because I forget about it and at times it catches my eye.

Yesterday I said in my head, Mercy Me. I have never used that word before. Just why would I even think that? That made me question, am I mercy? I can't be Mercy, can I? Then it made me think that at times, I better have no Mercy. At times in my life maybe I should. Mercy me! Oh My!

In this class that I am currently taking. It is reminding all that I used to know about computers. A refresher course. Then I saw the Binary Code. The zero and ones. That took me back to 2 coats that Gary gave me one day out of the blue. This was a time that I had to take what was freely given and I had to do what people requested or asked. This was part of my direction. Part of my discovery to opening more door ways and pathways. I was willing. Willingness is the key here. When you are willing you are open. Open to change. Open to a new way. We keep changing our language it is not good.

Gary gave me one man's coat that later I discovered said Zero King on the tag. The second was a rain coat from Australia. It was some kind of Hyde. Not bulky light weight and it kept me dry. For awhile I carried both. I slept with the Zero King under my neck and shoulder. The other under my hips and legs. Including the day that I lay on the Mound. The day I learned so much more and just who was controlling my insides. I left the Australian Coat later up on the mound with my cell phone and emergency things in my pocket. It came in handy when my cell got stolen. I placed a silver metallic supervisor on the mound later with big rocks. Sometimes when I came back that visor looked like a big winged silver bird. I'd replace it on top of the mound with the rocks. It wasn't until later that I would see the different herds of animals that slept up there. That was my meditation spot. At times I let it all goon that mound. I  still have the Zero King coat.

I have picked up other coats as well one is my rain coat it says VIKING! Another is a red one and it says TITANIUM. I used to have a pair of jeans from here, they said American Eagle. The women around here get excited when they have something in my size. They got in a stack of size two jeans and I just tossed a pair out. They did not work out. At this time in my life I cannot wear a boot cut or straight leg. When I get wet I don't like that fabric flapping around me. Jegging's for now only size 2. Someday maybe I'' get my boots back the ones I like actually I'd be happy to have a pair of Harley's with a flat foot. I don't want a heal. A black Harley Moccasin for me. That would be bad ass chic, yet comfortable. Now I like my heels too but not for out here, now is not the time.

I have discovered that we have separated something out. No one put it together. Fate and Faith go hand in hand they are not two different things but one and the same.

In the class I'm taking one of the Topics is Living in the Online World. This is what popped into my head. There is no life in the online world. We don't connect. It keeps us separated with all this download in formation.

The next one was USING the Cloud. Okay let's do it. That cloud represent's that dark cloud I've been talking about. That Main Frame up in the sky that stores everything Forever right? Wrong! I'm not kidding around with this one. I told my girl's to download everything they have on memory sticks, that Facebook all those personal and business things we send to the cloud will disappear. It will be a clean slate literally. My original Facebook that I can't get on. I think that is the end result of what's coming down. I don't have backup on that or truly know what it all says. Poof! Gone deleted forever. Any investment or stocks are gonna crash, I can tell you that. Better pull your money because when I say clean slate, I mean everything starts over. Money in that bank, well you batter have records or poof! Gone! Might want to have some back up on some of this. Money will count still but not so much. Hey if we ain't got it you don't know just what you lost. To those that do well prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. I believe our identities are going to change and balance will be replaced.  I truly don't know what I sent to the Cloud when this started. I changed my passwords so many times around this time I couldn't access it if I wanted to. I wonder if what is going to get lost to never be seen again, if it really is worth something after all? I don't know about money, just the words.

That also brought me to the RAM. Ram is temporary memory. Wow! Since I am a lil RAM, I wonder if I'm going to lose my memory temporarily or have I already? The doorway's are opening now. Are they going to open me up to everything all at once? Is that why they shut me down? Out here I discover something new everyday about myself through others. Have to go on adventures to find out who you really are. Some day's hurt more than others. Some lesson's hurt more than others.

I realized how when I was married to Greg, I had all these bruises all over my body. People would stop me to ask if someone is beating me. My reply was if you really new me, you would know that is not an option. Then I was talking to another woman here about how emotional abuse and neglect can be the hardest because no one really sees your scars, your battle wounds. Then I thought about cause and effect energetically and spiritually. The bruises was the sign of the beating I took inside myself. I realized that sometimes when I had that black cane, I carried on my shoulders like men at war. Today at the bus stop there was a purple cane on the ground.

I got fired from a job once at Nintendo of all places. I was at the Gym and the VP or President recognized me. We spoke professionally, nothing more and he wanted me to come into interview to be his administrator. I told the woman I worked for. Tammy was her name, that I would need to leave for an interview. That night in the restroom she accused me of getting something more. Something back handed. I said not even. Not even close. The next day I had a banana on my cart. I walked out on the floor by accident with it in my hand. It was 10 minutes back to the break room. So I stuck it in my cart. I was in charge of inventory. I got fired for it. Now that I think about it that makes me angry.

I was thinking last night that made I should call this storm coming up the curse of EMMUSA instead of being a sin.

The sin is assumption. When you are assuming something you are adding in your personal view point and opinion. When you do that, you create a lie. When you do this, you are drinking the wrong kool aid.  It is not the KOOL AID of TRUTH. Just where do you get your information? Did it come straight from the horses mouth? If not I always say add a grain of salt to that.

I know I'm bouncing around again but I realized a couple days ago that I loved planes, trains ,and automobiles. The scene where they turned into a skeleton. I'm thinking their just might be something to that now. I remember taking pictures in the middle of a rain storm of a sign that said watch for ICE.

I have learned that some people don't like to deal with the responsibility of TRUTH. Not the truth inside them they want to close the door on TRUTH. they want TRUTH to go away, don't change things. We have a TRUTH inside us we want to ignore. IT's scary and at times TRUTH hurts. I have discovered that if Greg is my CANE and I am ABLE, then through my family they have shown me how to take the power of my X. Everyday I discover who I am, I am removing that power of that LABEL. His words will no longer have the power over my children. Their is no justice in lies and TRUTH. Some people just can't handle the TRUTH! The TRUTH that I AM 4REAL. Ask yourself what if? Are you going to be caught with your pant's down? Japanese Proverb, Fall Down SEVEN get up EIGHT. African Proverb, If their is no enemy within. There is no enemy on the outside. Pain is part of your Product not His.

PASSION KEEPS POPPING UP! To be passionate about something doesn't necessarily mean lust, but if it did are these traits of passion so bad?Strong Work Ethic, Ability to Focus, Push yourself to be stronger inside and out. Idea's brainstorming. It is a beginning to a solution, Serve, share knowledge, share food. share your Love. Make it grow. Improve, I learn something new everyday without being defensive. You can't improve on something until you even know something needs to be changed. Persistence to keep moving forward can create consistency and things get easier.

For example, Negative people are like parasites. You can change a negative into a positive. When you focus on the negative your brain slowly dies. It goes in circles and burns you out, that candle inside you. When someone or something suppresses you it depresses you. It holds you down and holds you back. Identify the negative and turn it around. Like I did waving my hands around out there. When I thought it was just about my physical body, not my energy. Like when I changed the cat with two faces from a frown to a smile. Do it inside you.

Fear is a killer and it can be paralyzing, If you listen to the news it based on a lot of fear. It creates viewers, numbers, anxiety, panic for the investors not you. I hated watching the news when I lived in California, it made me sad. I cried inside myself. Just because I get sad or cry it does not mean I am depressed, because I have awareness of my emotions, I can identify the what and why I feel that way. I just accept the emotion and let it wash though me and it passes quickly now. For now I hide my tears. I don't like people to see me cry. I stood in the back of the church of angels, crying my eyes out, I wouldn't turn around. I am aware that I stand out now, wherever I go, I stand out. I don' try to, it just is. I have accepted my appearance and the fact the make up I wear is mascara and well it is gone by the end of the day. I never did care to much for make-up anyways. I do miss my Bare Minerals. Someday they will let me move forward. I was crying because they want me to speak in front of people. Depending what emotional State I'm in I have no issue, otherwise I have no desire to stand on a box and talk about God? I truly am not the type to yell out Amen, or even give thanks for my food. If I have God, JC, and The Holy Spirit in me I would rather lead by example. I want it to be just so. I don' teven bring God into topics of conversation, because you don't have to. He just is. You don't have to talk about him to Present HIM. It just is.

The only time I scream out is when I see someone I care about die. The only time I scream out, I hate you all, upstairs. Is when they push me to put myself out there a lil farther with certain people. You don't know how many times in my Head I say "JESUS CHRIST!" "Are you kidding me.' Then it goes into more expletives. The thing about talking in front of people is that I swear and I SWARE. I am AWARE,  It is part of my make-up. I cannot have someone tell me you can Inspire within these parameters only. I read some where about how this swearing things are going to change to a blessing. I figured out every time I yelled JESUS CHRIST, it wasn't a OMEN but a Blessing. I called my Brother out. Who else are you going to call when something shocks you? It's OK to yell "Oh God" for an orgasm but otherwise you better use the word nice. It's a bad OMEN. No it's not. If I want to yell Oh GOD or JESUS CHRIST during the good and bad times that is my choice not someone else's. Truth be told that is my family. You go to your family during the good the bad and the ugly. I won't be forced to change my ways to make someone else happy. I remember I wrote I think somewhere, my writing is not for the children but the adults. Get a sitter and expand your horizons.

A.N.T.S. = Automatic Negative ThoughtS. Turn it around. Actions speak louder than words anyways. How far up that ladder are you willing to go to have a happy life inside MY HEART?

I was thinking earlier about the word LIE and the association with the word LYE. The stuff we put on our dead to dissolve the tissue and bone. The DNA any evidence of life. They are both poison's in life due to cause and effect and the energy it created. My mind opened the drawer about these drugs. That dry out our tissue and weaken your bones. It just occurred to me the connection in those three.  Did this come about because of the way we all agreed to take the poison and pain on this time? Did it really start with me and Greg? Those dreams where my teeth shattered and fall to pieces.

It makes me think of another dream I had over and over as a child. It was me and my step brother Keith, we were hiding in the little store we used to walk to. It was after hours and we escaped on a motor cycle. We were being chased by Vampires. Keith the son of the man who got me just a lil bit.

When I was in the fourth grade and those black things were crawling around in my room, the ones who would shake my bed. I would sleep on my stomach with my arms crossed against my chest. I didn't want to be stabbed. This was also the times that my breast started to hurt. I thought I had breast Cancer. I prayed to God, don't let it be. My Mother said they were growing pains. It grossed me out.

My mind keeps going back to my children. We found out in the front yard, a white butterfly. It's wings were weighed down with water. We got a Easter Basket and put some grass in it and sprayed some water lightly in it. For three day's that butterfly went on walks with us. Remember if we went, so did all the dog's and well this time it was a butterfly. On the third day we took it out into the sun. It wasn't enclosed, every morning my girls got up and their would still be the butterfly. On the third day we set down the bucket, and we all three looked down and it flew away. Talk about a representation. Mr Lott called me Petite Butterfly. I didn't understand then. But I do now. Alex was my Rock, who came first. She could shake the ground, that one. Then Kiley with the vision of the purple triangle and White Square. One represent's this ROCK. This Mother. The other the Light. This Mother. Two halves of one heart and those two go on and on to eternity and beyond. The LOVE just keeps growing and growing.

As you can see, I'm a pretty deep thinker? Try sitting in a classroom and realizing their is no life in that cloud? That dark Cloud that suppresses us and our energy. I'm so ready for that cloud to wash all this crap away. Try walking and it hitting you about the brother doesn't lie with brother, it creates a LYE inside our bones. Sometimes it sucks knowing just what it is I know.

Just what do you think all these beating that women take? It represent's all those other countries who mistreat women with rocks and stone's. Did it ever occur to any of you that those women stayed in those relationships was part of the plan for when time came? They would be stronger for the big day. It makes us immune to the pain. Some day's I have such huge knot's in my shoulders and down my spine and I don't even hurt until someone touches me. All those migraines, the pain in the brain and eyes and still taking care of your family, didn't build a tolerance to me? I realize looking back I built a tolerance to a lot of things, so when it hit me, it won't hurt, well hopefully not so bad. If I can move, I move. I can, turn's into I do. That is just the way it is. Willing to trust. To be open. I remember a few weeks ago I walked into the doors of King Street Station, Right when I stepped inside, I almost fell backwards, I got such a big chill. Maybe that is the day my wings sprouted? Metaphorically speaking I mean.

When I was in Rainier Oregon, I used to try and do surgery on the ants. I wanted to save them. I'd gather caterpillars and put them in jars. I climbed the tree's and watched the bee-hives. Looking back I think I was ADHD too. You would never know it I kept myself pretty contained.

To reflect is to grow your heart, it is not to meant to deflate or defeat you but to make you stronger. When you deflect you are putting your burdens on someone else out of fear. You are forcing someone to think like you. Be the way you want them to be. That is what BULLIES do. It is out of fear of rejection. So they strike, they bully. They try to force themselves inside you. To control you so your won't leave so the bully you. Or if the have a bad day they have a punching bag, Then say oh honey, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Or my favorite I do it out of LOVE. That love is EVOL. It is out of LOVE but it is the wrong way to LOVE. You can't LOVE somebody until you LOVE yourself. You can't LOVE somebody else in a healthy way if they are broken. Some things that are broken can't be fixed, not by you anyway's. Don't let someone else's sick idea's of what love is take you down. Two broken people can't just become unbroken, thing's shatter they fall apart. Their you are on the floor left to pick your broken self up. If you fall, fall on your back, so you can look up. It you can look up, you can get up. I heard that one in class. If you can't get up pray to God your family has your back. I kept telling Michael, when you walk through someone else's insanity, walk through it and RISE above it. Funny I got handed a purple pen, for my name on the RISE name tag. RISE COLLEEN. I'm ready I told Alex last week, I am ready to fly, you have no idea just how ready I am to fly. I want to be free. Free to be me. Is that so bad? If I'm free, my children will be free.

The night I stood at the intersection I jumped off the big rock after I put the Harley Sweat shirt down. I had on a choker Cross chain that Gary gave me. As I was running for the intersection I ripped it off my throat and I said something like, I don't care about this cross. I let it go. Truth is I still have it but Gary doesn't. He has not let me forget it either.

Did I tell you that I remembered the kids name who showed up at my door twice, the first to teach me to shoot a pistol? That goofy looking lil red's name is Solace. Solace is like rain man with a gun. It is a good thing. I don't like gun's especially not now. People have a lot of fear and they just don't know what they are looking at. To defensive. Their is a difference between to defend and being defensive. One is to protect, the other is to take down. Scary thought, do people understand how fast a bullet can drop you? Not fair to animal.

I think people will open up and see what inner beauty is. Like when some people look like animals, the same characteristics as a bull dog. Or maybe they have the dark circles around the eye's like a cat. Even bug eye's are kinda endearing. It is this way because we are all connected, whatever has been we have been, It's hard to believe I know. Those animals and bugs  and the sea life even we are all connected. Those are our spirit animals. Even our colors are our spirit colors. I get white in the winter and dark in the summer. Did you know that women are supposed to have wrinkles? It give's us wisdom and integrity. Acceptance in ourselves well for me I think the extra skin I get under my neck, well I hope it tighten's, if not, well we just have to wait and see. Even I'm not 100 percent happy with myself, but truly if I was going to transform myself, I would rather it be from the inside out.

Part of having acceptance is to LIVE in THY WILL NOT MINE, even in the bad times it can get you through.

I just realized something. I'm sitting in a blue house, V's house was Pepto Bismol Blue. The neighbors house next door to V's on the North side is a blue house tucked up behind the neighbors house. I didn't even know it was there. It was the time I discovered the old play house that Michael had built for Philip and Katie years ago. It caught my eye, the way it withered and fell apart. It was a cross sitting in destruction of the vines and tree's. It was the framework that looked burned even, it must of been the moss. It get's pretty wet around here. I looked further to the South and I saw a fountain attached to a electrical cord. I stood and looked at it. It seemed peculiar the set up. Like it wasn't real, like it wasn't really there. I looked over and there on the front porch sat 2 chairs. It took me back to the book I had read about a man who was in a car accident and he was on his way up to the woods, where OMG! his redheaded daughter had been kidnapped from. He spent three day's with JC, God and the holy spirit. I went to the sliding back door, I wasn't sure if this was real and a woman sat at a table reading. She was surrounded by all different colors of balloons. I asked her her name, she said Angela, I thought in my hand Angel, it fits. It was her children's party. It was her mother-in-laws house, I asked what her name was and she said, Dorthea. I knew then this was about my Aunt Doris. The one who's gray hair turned dark and it was growing in curly and it was straight. The one my grandfather called HOOGIE. It makes me cry to think about it now. The sister to my mother whom I  knew all along about her lil sister and what her duty had become. It broke her heart, that he wanted her instead of her. She thought it was about her disability with her leg. That she wasn't whole enough. Today someone posted something on my facebook with a woman with a prostetic leg. Do you know what I saw in the word. dis- ABEL ed. What a representation? I'd say so.

Then I thought about my house with Greg, light grey with purple trim. It had window panels where their were supposed to be walls and french doors. To keep the peace for Alex while she slept, and I could see if she got up. They were red, I stayed up all night in the winter for like 3 nights refinishing those doors in the freezing cold. Did you know varnish got cold? Yes! What was the garden Greg put out front? It was so zen, I wasn't happy about the tree's being gone, they kept the house cool in the summer.

When I thought about the blue houses, it made me wonder, am I lil boy blue. Did lil boy blue have a horn of some kind? Who sounds the horn? Or is it trumpets blaring?

We eat a lot of spaghetti in this house and Lasagna. I noticed waves of different food that walk in the door, especially red sauce pasta. I don't know if the food we eat in here is helping Italy, but truth be told I don't want to see a marinara sauce for a long time. We always have apple pie or something apple here. Today it is chocolate (dark) croissant's with cherry pie. I digress!

When I went to Subway with Julie, I saw that Marinara meatball sandwich. I ordered the foot long. I had to have that one. My mouth watered and I got real excited. I ate all of it. I should of counted the balls. To hungry to count. I usually order double the meat, but someone else paid so I didn't. When I go to Uwujimaya in Seattle I always get those shishkabob coconut balls. Four at a time. I don't think it matters what balls I eat, what color or what kind, I think they have shown me there all kinds of balls, out there. Some are a lil spicy and some are oh so sweet.

You know what I did the last time I was in North Bend. I thought the first thing I would do is turn on the T.V. and turn into a vegetable getting cozy on the bed. I knew I would crash.  When I turned the T.V. on I heard the beat of the music and I danced. I danced all by myself. It didn't matter how bad my back hurt, I had just had a chiropractic adjustment and I figured might as well keep the blood a pumping, the hips a moving. I shook it all out. It was so cleansing. That night Cyndi came down to get me and we had steak, mashed taters, and asparagus. The first time I had fresh asparagus I was 16 years old and I loved it. I always got my steak well done before. It didn't matter what cut. I would tell the servers, get it well done, run it over with a truck. But lately, I noticed, I like my steak a lil more bloody. My Aunt Doris ate her steak and hamburger barely warm. I couldn't look at her plate. Regurgitate! Also while I was out there I was eating white albacore tuna out of the can. I never do this. It was tasty! Spicy tamales, and I had already started eating peanut butter with a spoon. Something else I never did. I'd only eat white meat poultry, no fat on any meat. No veins or I'm done, I walk away from the table. In here I'm learning to eat dark meat, but it's to slimy, and veiny. It grosses me out. Surf and Turf cums to mind.

03/04/2016

Two things happened last night. I'll start with the second. Do you remember how I said that conversations that go on around me are like they are meant just for me. I know it sounds nuts but when these mentally ill people speak others might not know what they are talking about but I do. I was rolling my cig's and Julie is sitting behind me. She was telling of what happened to her yesterday in the restroom at the library. She thought this woman was on the phone at first. She was saying out loud how "she needs to take a shit, or the world will die. In my head I was saying Oh come on. Then I started pleading, please don't make me do this. In front of everyone, in front of Him outside? No fucking way. Those Mother Fucking brothers of mine. Guys are so disgusting. Remember I am very modest. This is not good, not for me. They want me to do this when ever this hits. I think they want me to be animal like. Then the woman started talking about masturbation. The issues around this one with my mother and mother in law takes me back again. This one really pisses me off. They don't let me know everything right up front just pieces at a time. Fucking Brothers anyway.

So much stuff is popping around in my head. So many things have come to light.

You know what? Remember that Beast I was talking about before. Well she's finally street legal. Still rides a little rough at night, but she's smooth sailing in the mornings. It's my friends Tina's truck. She has a Hawk blanket she sleeps under every night. She is really in these Veterans right's and all they have gone through. She very defensive if you even breath her daughters name. She explodes, just goes off. I didn't tell you about another lil dog I used to have. I got the dog from my principal, his name was Mr. Hightower. I loved that lil terrier dog. She was peach. My mother left her on some back woods in Rainier Oregon. I sat and watched it get even smaller and smaller as my mother drove away. I have figured out my mother has been sacrificing these lil dog's. I feared for the coyote and wolves. I wonder if that was a representation of me? My very big friend Tina, She has long blond curly hair.

Something else happened last night. They needed someone to do the dinner dishes so I volunteered. I get-to the kitchen and the dishwasher is full of dirty dishes. Can't just load and unload like usual. Huge amounts of left overs and king size dishes. They couldn't find another volunteer. I yelled out LADIES! A quiet lil tiny thing was standing right behind me. I didn't even see her standing there. I said with a smile, speak up girl! She said I did. Then I remembered her quiet voice, I'm right here your help is here. I said, yes you did, THANK YOU. I had clean dishes ready to be rinsed in the sink and on the left the dishes were pretty full in the rack. Stacks of dishes to my right. A woman walks in with a basketball tucked up under her arm. She wanted to know if we had eaten. Yup! We sure did, but the food is still out, go ahead and help yourself. Then more children are piling in behind her and I thought "oh LORD! I still had to get Elanore's smokes from the store, plus my other chore to clean the upper parking lot all by 7:45. Then she steps to the sink and ask, can we wash our hands? I asked her to use the restroom. She comes back and said well their is someone in there. I replied well you can either wait or their is another restroom downstairs. She had already told me they were from Cambodia and they love beans. She starts asking me if I am homeless? I just look at her. I didn't say it but I was thinking yeah, they people to wash dishes in this volunteer house. I didn't get a chance to speak before she goes off about being a homeless mother trying to feed her children. When you walked in an hour late for dinner I said go ahead and eat feed your children. There are two sinks, those are your options. So she starts getting hot under the collar. Well in my culture. I cut her off, I'm not in your culture, your in MINE! and at's called MANNERS.. People who use their culture and situation as a poor excuse for bad behavior is really getting very old. My COUNTRY is about GOD, MY COUNTRY is about TRADITION, MY COUNTRY is about FAMILY. Get it right or get the FUCK OUT! I'm sick of this SHIT!

I realized this morning as I was trying to get my Orca card out of it's box. The way I tap it out. I tap the bottom hoping those lil rocks will knock these cards out. It's kinda like a deck of cards. What card am I gonna draw? What are the numbers on that card? What's the pass code? HMMM! I wonder just who's the dealer in this deck of cards I play.

The word association came to mind again today Academic Vs. Ademic Vs. Epidemic. Another word just popped in Anemic. I was so ANEMIC on and off in my life.  I wonder what is going around in my head? My friend Julie the accountant who was in the NAVY. She handed me her business card and it was ANTZ in red. I laughed and I looked at her, she does, OMG! She reminds me of a Point Dexter ANT.

When I was out there after my purse disappeared and came back on the back of that red rock was two hair bands. A black and white striped one and the other was either navy blue or black. I think black, they were hanging there like GOOGLY EYES! I remember when I ran away in the middle of the night, the night the EAGLE flew in the shadow of the lamplight. I was thinking twin peaks, please let this be twin peaks stuff a going on. Every time I thought that it kept crossing my mind, ALIEN. I kept hearing Alien in my head, so I kept arguing with myself, NO THE FATHER DID IT. It wasn't a Alien. Cause and effect comes to mind.

I realized looking back over my life that they always planted me in a very diversified group of people. Working at Gene Juarez, my best friend was GAY. His name was rick, strawberry RED. Plus most my clientele was Lesbians and transvestites. I didn't even know there was a name. I did not care. Steve explained the birds and bee's to me and my clientele. He told me two women to watch out for. Red Mustang Gun carrying WOMAN. Pretty FUNNY now. Let's not forget the pimp who I slapped across the face. I wondered why people kept asking me if I needed a ride. I'd just stand there and wave and say No thank you. He was not a good JOHN to have. Not that I was looking for one either. Just then Kevin pulled up in the car I wrecked.

Toyota Corolla, second car accident in that car. First time was him and second time was me. I was on 405 and it was raining. Over cast sky's. A Safeway semi turn's on it's blinker and just pulled over. Either he didn't look or didn't see me. I tried tapping the brakes but my windshield was coming to close to the back of that semi, and my hood was under the semi. I hit the breaks and spun around 4 times in the center of 405. I bounced off one van then spun. When I came to I was facing WEST. I opened my eyes and four lanes of cars were all stopped way back. I could see everyone's mouths open. I should of got out and took a bow.

11717

At the bus station I walked by a purple Prius with a East Indian couple ASK6236. Saw a woman who looks like RAE driving a car just like hers. Then at the transit center all these fire trucks and a aid car.

You know what makes me mad is all these slow servers. Charging for Hot Spot's and air waves. Internet companies who slow down our service to get us to pay more money. For airwaves? Really!
These grocery stores who charge all these different prices for the same product, because they can. Hell even my JACK LINKS cost like 7 to 8 bucks. Ding on the EBT card just to eat on the go. My power lunch is A small can of DOUBLE SHOT STARBUCKS. Two Seventy nine for that. It is ridiculous. Can't get a cup of hot coffee though. I have no choices living in this sheltered life. Even THE RITE AID forgot two of my prescriptions I needed. Now a week later that I could of used the drugs, I have to take a couple hours out of my day, plus phone time to fix something they broke. These four rite aids don't even connect. They don't know where your prescription is or have the numbers to direct you. Oh damn not back on line to look up yet another number.

You know, I've been catching bit's and pieces on the news, elections, weather and politics. It made me think of all these storm's, this huge mess a going on all around, it made me think about Dave getting pushed down. Dave has a pretty big cloud over his head. Like attracts like. It is getting stronger. Still hasn't touched me though. It didn't like him. I wasn't sure if I opened something or weakened it? The hot spots all the way around. Everything we do in this country is having it's cause and effect going around and around. With that sitting open is it negatively affecting people and this planet? The animals are coming to surface. Our wildlife. Remember I have discovered more than one poison. I wonder if there is anyway to weaken this in the mean time?

Inthis class I'm taking the rooms are named after animals.I started out in the Salmon room, then I moved to the Orca room. I have never been in the cougar room. Today I went to the Lions room. I opened my notebook to the last page. My eye caught on a note I made awhile ago. Revelations 7 Thunders. Funny I didn't know that. I didn't read it actually. I don't have to I only need to know the things they show me. My work book 7 habits of Highly Effective people I came across a Psalmist, whatever that is. Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issue of life. Doesn't that sound like what I have been doing? Learning this hands on. Now I wonder if that is a prophecy? I wonder if that prophecy is me?

It also said in this book, I highlighted it:
Did you ever consider how ridiculous it would be to try to cram on a farm - to forget to plant in the spring, play all summer and then cram in the fall to bring in the harvest? Timing on this one. It takes time to grow a garden, different seeds to plant at different times. Even for the flowers. I love the spring flowers. I used to have a rose garden and in this house I have met a lot of roses. They are all a lil different, but I love them all. Even the ones who prick me and try to make me bleed. They are the ones who stand out the most.

I wondered about this binary code, is it a bad sign or a good one? You know that zero and that one.

I just looked up Little Boy Blue, I couldn't remember the whole thing or just what that flock was he lost while asleep? I looked at the origin and meaning,

It say's this:
Sleepest or Wakest thou: Jolly shepherd?
The sheepe be in the corne; and for one blast of the minikin mouth
Thy sheep shall take no harme.

The things they show me. Isn't there something going on with this corn now? Doesn't have to do with gasoline or oil? Or is the GMO poisons and drugs? Are we looking in the wrong direction? Replacing God with the dollar along with his flock? We are slowly eroding, being replaced with all this technology that suppresses us? This Federal Jurisdiction with all these out landish laws and regulations, Walking on all these egg shells around this system, placating all these race cards? The servers are slow because in this Hell's Kitchen you just can't get anything out of without a fight. What's the hold up? That Black Heart I still see on that server line. I'm ready to turn it bloody red. Am I the Minikin Mouth? Am I the Jolly Shepherd this time? Am I the Joker? That Wild card? I'd like 'to call that bet. Show me your hand. Time to pony up, cuz this house of card's is coming down.

I look at what we are teaching our children in schools and out. We teach to pass a test. It takes away from everything that makes them children, it takes them from Mother Nature. They lose the essence this way. I didn't even know those three stars I look at every night was the O-Ryan belt. I forgot about the milky way myself.  I've been getting schooled in Mother Nature first hand. This started with my lil dysfunctional family, then my extended family. Then I was found by a brother I never knew I had his name is Brother Red. Actually now that I see more clearly I saw him standing there at the end of my counter before. He is Lion Number one to me. Then they showed me my sisters, all those legends I see who carried there heavenly essence across this life. Then they showed me my brother, my Father and It took me awhile to learn about JC. I forgot all about him. I don't know what brother I represent, I'm thinking Able. Not sure and I don't care what brother I represent. The one with the letter S don't count him out of this game. I got my four Fathers and My four horsemen, I got 12 lil Cherokees and seven bishops inside of me. I've been wondering about the twins. I wrote anything you got I got two more. I think those ladies up above were twin's once before. I think my two daughters were sisters before and may even of been twins. I think the same for my sister right her on the ground.

I've already agreed to a gang rape. If those women I see above me took the same abuse with fist like rocks and rapes through the generations, If I got 12 sisters they are from the East side I'm pretty sure I got those women who were stoned all those angry women a standing at the helm. Well I can say this is going to be a storm of destruction like no one has ever seen. What do people think when they talk about a bride this time, that she's Mother Natures daughter. Some people don't see the bigger picture like I see it. All those grand daddy's I see from generations back. They are the BIG KAHUNAS, They are the ones who have your balls, your seed's, your nuts. No nut's, No seed's. No tree's. No more bee's no more honey pot's at the end of every rainbow. No more river's, no more oceans, Those mermaids you think are folk lore they still exist, right here and no one even knows it. They don't believe it. You have to believe to make it so. No more rock's no more diamonds a twinkling in that great big sky. We are the only planet like this in the universe. This planet is a layer in the heavenly plan. The things I have seen inside me is pretty wild I know. I wonder if my white horse is a Stallion or maybe a Unicorn or Pegasus. Even the animals had wings at one time.



Do you know who helps others? The one who has been there before, that is who. The hungry ones feed the hungry people. They are the ones who do not judge, they see the journey to healing. They help you on your path to enlightenment. They are the first to give freely what they have to another brother or sister. They lift them up, they do not kick you when you are down. They lift you up to inspire you. They do not look you up and down and judge whether you are worthy enough to be fed. In my book every one eats. Everyone drinks from that milky way. In my book we all heal, we all sing and dance. People of all shapes and sizes and every color. I do not care because everywhere I look I see the family inside me.

The song's I listened to today was All of me by John Legend 10000 Angels by Mindy McCreedy I used to love this song. Some Randy Travis, Together Forever and Ever Amen! and some Uncle Cracker.

Acceptance of Thy Will Not Mine come into play even in the hard times. Kind of like Thanking God for Unanswered Prayers. Remember the pain inside you is just a lesson, a teaching. something to look at from outside the box for a lil while. Being open to change you have to be willing to change. This lifetime isn't about deserve like you think. Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Work on your side of the street don't be in such a rush. Slow down feel the emotion and let it all out. No matter what you feel get it off your chest. I'm not going to lie to you emotions hurt worse than physical pain. Pretty soon those tears will wash away with the tide and you will find your burdens getting a lil lighter and you a lil stronger inside. Do not feed your ego. Ego's will wither, ego's will die and dust they shall turn. Feed your eagle inside of you. With the eagle you have pride. Growth starts on the inside. It's not what you see on the outside. Someday someone will see inside you too. Don't try to attract someone to that pain you carry inside your broken heart. Attract someone who sees the light inside of you. Your day will come. Clean out that attic, clean out that closet, clean out those defeating voices in your head trying to suppress you and keep you down. You RISE above it Honey! I'm ready to fly, how about you?

03/05/2016

You know this Google shit is really pissing me off. All these passcode resets on each device a new passcode. A passcode that I had to recreate yesterday told me it was wrong. It tells me when I changed it and I know that I wasn't given a choice to get in because again they said the wrong passcode. All this shit started with Google and the software that takes over all your applications and keeps popping up like a secretary always wanting to download your location and wanting to know if anything private you have done on the computer or cell, they ask do you want everyone to know what you did today in your private life? How about if we stay on top of you including everyone else? What what is wrong with you what are you hiding in your life that you don't want everyone to see? Sound familiar? In this informational society, where anyone can dig up any dirt on you even if you didn't do it. Let's talk about the sin of assume people. It's going to backfire, I can promise you that. Even after you shut down the account they keep hassling you knocking on your door. I'm starting to wonder who this wolf is I'm looking for and this mans name keep's popping up. I keep talking about an investor. You know what I found today? That it is these State Phones where we pay as we go, does it on purpose so you have to burn up your minutes. Buy some more time. Now Mark Zuckerberg's name keeps popping out. I wonder why? This name has popped out from the beginning. I see the names on that illuminati list. HHMMMM!!!! You know I knew I was walking on the line all along. Searching in plain site. Hiding in plain site. Makes me wonder Mr Zuckerberg which kind of brother are you? Are you the wolf in sheep's clothing? I have had my eye on you. You might not know me, but I'm sure we've met in another place and time. Remember one thing, My family has made it very clear from the beginning I am being watched. I didn't understand what that meant before. I thought it was those two black trucks a following me around, sitting at my work and my place of residence. I know who's these three are. Actually there is a fourth.

You know I have wondered about that sweet innocent face and all that technology brainwork you do. Makes me think my family keeps bringing me back to you. The last time they did that I took a shit outside that man's door. Thinking back to that shit or shite whatever you want to call it. It is all the same to me. The shit get's flushed down. It goes down. People with Ego's like you they wither and die only to never come back. This time the ashes and dust to dust isn't about those families who burned up in the incinerator it's about you.Makes me think that maybe you to have a demon inside you? What do you say Mark Zuckerberg you wanna dance? I've been walking on eggshells my whole life to sharpen me from the pain. Hell Mark those round rocks I got hit with ain't nothing what your gonna get hit with. Who's your daddy Mark Zuckerberg? Who the Fuck is your Daddy? I promise you MY DADDY WAS HER FIRST. I promise you Mark Zuckerberg if you are part of the take over I see. You will burn in hell for all eternity NINE LAYERS DOWN TIMES THREE TO INFINITY AND BEYOND. How did you get so smart you little protege I see? Now I grasp full well where these protege's come from. They carry the essence on both sides. Extra Terrestrial and Mother Nature, the sweet milk. The sweet Honey Pot I see. Don't forget about the essence of that Big Grand Daddy upstairs. I know who's daughter I am and I know who's Motherly Essence I carry inside my veins, inside my body, inside my mind. Today I know a few other things as I put together this family tree, I know who's daughter I am and I know who's granddaughter I am. You might not see my family, but I do. They have made very clear just who's mother I am. Come on Mark Zuckerberg you got a little ET inside you that I need to excise. It really is no problem. Glad to help.

You know this cause and effect shit is really pissing me off all the way around. Come on who is in bed with these Walmart's beside our own Gov't? The United States of America has been played and our own Government doesn't see it coming. The dark shadow's working behind the scenes I see. Let's talk shop about those markings my family showed me. So many markings I see, so many different kind's too.

I'm listening to OUTKAST it just came on utube I chose the 1990's and the year 2000 to listen to today. It seem's fitting for my mood today.

Now back to those Marking's IC. Those Marking's that made me flash back to another time. Is it the Lakota's and Dakota's IC coming on strong or it the Marking's of that TRIBE UPSTAIRS? You know what I discovered which I knew but the impact just hit me personally, a LITTLE closer to my heart. It hit me I have more than one daughter in this story line. I have 12 daughters inside of me. Wow! What a concept, what a thought. Now, I'm not the DIAMOND not just The DIAMOND I'm the BLOOD DIAMOND IN THIS STORY LINE.  I PROMISE I have a contract to full fill. Now I ask how do you see it, is this glass of MILK HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?

Now I've got the Technical ET, I've got INVESTORS IN THOSE WALMART'S IC. Those tag's that keep coming to my mind, the ones they want to place under our skin's the one's that tag us GOvernment's Property as they drain us dry and weaken our blood and weaken our bone. Let's talk Pharmaceutical's. You think they haven't (wow I just typed started for some reason right here at this point of the sentence) shown me all about this pain pill addiction and how convenient my sheep hurt, you weaken the spirit you weaken the mind by not treating the pain. You know what I have learned about pain is that if you don't have backup for your pain when you are in pain, it makes you paranoid, that your gonna be stuck in a situation out there with no pain relief. So you made the pain relievers that had less side effects and that worked. Let you function without being tired or brain fogged and you put stipulations on those pills. Like you can only get six on the insurance and it is over $300 bucks without insurance. Pain pills were real cheap back then right? I said to my doctor, those are like Gold. I like those, but I could only get six. I assure you I had well over six migraines a month. Why don't you try minimum 20. All this alternative healthcare cost a fortune and the Government makes it sound real bad. What little the insurance companies do cover, I had to send pretty much any bill for services rendered on clients, The insurance companies threw them away. Instead of paying out the measly 35 dollars for a alternative health care visit and or treatment. The extra work I went through day after day, the gauntlet just to get a payment from them and it was allowed with excuses of Oh YA know this is what we have to do for payment. They sure paid those medical doctors didn't they?

Let's not forget the guilt they put you through for needing these pills? For instance, I don't know Colleen, let's try another one of the same doctors with a different name to recheck what was already checked but this doctor might find something else. I don't know Colleen this might be Psychological? We should get your head checked again? Are you sure your not making up the pain and migraines? Are you sure your just not looking for that pill? What my body went through with that Topomax, over 300 hundred dollars for six months. It hurt my body from head to toe and I couldn't fell my hand's my pinkies and she told me I was lying. Do you know how long 6 months is with your body hurting and to be told your lying only to have a back tooth completely dissolve. One day after a State Dentist appointment. Fuck you pill gauntlet, Fuck all the doctors you don't let treat your patients. Fuck this Insurance and all these Middle men. Fuck all this Red Tape. Fuck this SYSTEM, Fuck all the ILLUSION and THE PAIN. FUCK THIS PAIN! By my fourth Neurologist I got Colleen you just get them. It wasn't the answer I wanted but I accepted that. You know what all those pain pills did to me? I could get 4 to 6 cc's dilaudid at a time and still walk out. It would of dropped a horse, but not me. I got real tolerant to this real fast. Now I have lived with this back pain behind my heart chakra for 22 years. My husband told me I didn't have scoliosis. So truth is I'm hurting and I don't even feel the pain. Would that make me stronger or weaker? Wow! That was a long time ago, the night I walked out of the hospital, with all those nurses and doctors lined up on both sides of that hospital and I had a brother hold my hand. When I walked out and looked back, I knew it was some kind of spiritual experience. Just the way it was set up. This was when I was on Paxil and that shut me down it closed my third eye. I learned even when my eye's are closed and I think I'm all alone that my family is still behind me. I learned even in the bad times they still get through. They let me know even if it was something to look back on. I now know if I fall just who is gonna be there and who is gonna pick me up.

Now how many wolves do I see?
Travel Centers of America
Maintenance Man, hey it's been a long time.
Dishwasher yellow house on corner behind Raging River Fall City, been doing a lil magic I see. I just wonder who's going to sit in a cell now. You know what is worse than sitting inside a cell, is sitting in HELL everyday, inside your head. Your the Fallen Angel this time I see and I've got news for you so am I.
How about that Snoqualmie Police Department Officer? The one who made my servant pick out the cranberries for your oatmeal. They just keep taking me back to the fruit, and all that poison in the fruit. I've been eating a lot of fruit lately. A lot of apples and you know even with the poison in those apples it still taste pretty good to me.  Now ya know I'm a cream of wheat girl myself. I like it real lumpy I don't mind a lil dry even. I like it with a dash of Pure Cane and MILK. You see I like oatmeal just fine but I'm really not into slime, but I know someone else who is. I wonder what fruit he likes in his Oatmeal? We'll just have to see just what fruit tree he comes from? Do to the cause and effect on NAture it makes me think you have something to do with the poison in our soil? I did here Satan when I saw you a sitting the there. The night you were so rude and just dismissed me, like I'm your servant. I don't serve you. I'll SERVE you up all this shit you've been dishing out? The pesticides in the air and all the poisons we breath in everywhere. Now the way I see it we aren't as bad as some places, We are just one of the HOT SPOTS for corruption in the air. The country with the worst air pollution, is that CHINA? The one making all that money on those people? With the children and the stress you put on those people to succeed feed the economy to buy and sale. So many suicides in these Countries. To much stress but the ones who have got it right, are ones with the land and animals and they say Thank You. Who is it that is rich and making money off of your suffering? You know what they say, follow the money?

The Atom Bomb and it's ingredients? Just where is that stuff, go ahead set it off you bastards I dare you. Putin isn't that your name, are you the lesser of two evils? This one is going to backfire I assure you, you might turn off our power and kill our batteries and everything, but then we regroup, we get stronger. You can't take out the SUN. Hey it's gonna get daylight. It does it everyday. All we need is that SUN to keep us warm and grow our garden's. We just need the SUN. His CHILDREN will eat. His children are strong. He told me so. All those quaking red rocks I see inside me. I remember he said what those red rocks did to those PUSSY BOYS trying to work that farm. You think those Children walked through HELL everyday with there FATHER all alone on that farm for nothing? The rage in those ROCKS is huge. You think those baby girls aren't connected to this planet this earth. What do you think all these quaking lil rocks were all about?

You know when I was out there, a song kept trying to pop into my head. I wouldn't let it. Not one time would I let it play. The only one I let play every time I left that land and I kept stomping back was "LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD." Hilary Butler sounded just like her, my other red headed friend. It was "HELL IS 4 CHILDREN." No more hell no more purgatory for children. Not his children, no more child labor, no more sex with our children, no more fist or belt's, no more cane's, no more Razors or Glass, no more rocks, no more stones, no more blood, no more DNA a slipping away, It's a Clean Slate. No more first heart breaks a taking us down so hard. These children from now on will not carry any of that spiritual goo and slime on the psyche and our hearts and our bodies anymore. Thing's will not be perfect for a lil while. While we re-build and refertilize Mother Nature, We will heal and from there we will ASCEND thing's wont be so hard anymore. Well maybe something's will be coming back.

Now did I leave anyone out? Did I miss someone? Do I need to add someone else to list? I'm a checking it twice to see just who has been naughty and who has been nice. Now I've been a NAUGHTY LIL SISTER. But hey if being NAUGHTY made me stronger then so be it. If being Hurt and Knocked down inside with every broken heart then so be it. I don't Give A DAMN ANYMORE. IF the Father of MY CHILDREN IS CANE and I"M ABEL and if they put me through it so they would never have to feel that way. Left alone, left to suffer with a label on my head. One thing I did was I always held my head up high amongst all those rumors he spread around. The sin of assumption is coming on strong because I'm here to tell you this is my family. Those are my Heaven's those are my Stars that light up the sky. I said from the beginning there's always light in the dark. We may not see it but I do. They taught me to see just who is really hiding under all the insanity. All those black SHEEP you walk by everyday, the ones you don't see. Is it time to find Waldo, or is it COLLEEN?  I stand in this WASHINGTON. THIS WASHINGTON REPRESENTS OUR NATION AND THE COLORS OF THIS NATION ARE ON THIS ASS. MINE SO YOU OUT THERE WHO WANNA DANCE WITH ME? LETS DANCE! I HAVEN'T BEEN DANCING IN A LONG TIME AND WELL I'M READY TO DANCE. I'M READY TO PLAY. MY FAMILY TAUGHT ME HOW TO DANCE, HOW TO MOVE MY FEET. NO ONE SHOWED BUT I DID. I ALWAYS SHOWED. I MIGHT SING OFF KEY BUT MY FAMILY TAUGHT ME TO SING. THEY TAUGHT ME IT'S ALL RIGHT TO SHOUT. IT'S OKAY TO SCREAM AND CURSE. ALL THOSE CURSES ARE BLESSINGS AND I'VE CALLED MY BROTHER'S NAME A LOT. LET'S NOT FORGET ALL THOSE OH GOD MOMENTS I'VE HAD IN MY LIFE. SOME DAYS IT'S 16, 17 OTHERS MY NUMBER IS 19.

One other thing you don't know about this vessel, is my family has gotten real good at setting me off. At just the right moments. BAM! I explode. when i least expect it. like the day at the veterans office right when I saw the FLAG. BAM! I EXPLODED a long time. LET"S not forget the night when I was all alone on the bus and BAM! I EXPLODED inside me again. When I opened my eyes and looked out the window it was DOWN WASHINGTON AVENUE. THAT WAS A LONG EXPLOSION. BUT HEY what can I say I'm a MOTHER who will do anything for her CHILDREN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOURS? I Know who's vessel I am. For my children anything, anytime day or night. I'M READY TO THROW DOWN.

I was just at the TC in Kent and I just experienced the most beautiful thing. You know I have some people who have touched my life who I have missed. They were my best friends parent's. My best friends name was Gwen K.S. the one with the tidy bowl man vision. I started thinking about the fact that I have had two Bunyon surgeries. That is a sign two Bunions. I'll take that. Then I started thinking about her Grandmother always prim and proper that one. She was always very elegant. Always poised, make up done from like the sixties. Hair done just so and dark lipstick every morning. It got me to thinking about her Hammer Toes and no matter what she would not switch shoes. Always those pointy toed shoes with heel's no matter how much she hurt. She even had a hunch back. Then I started crying with my hands in the air at that bus top. I wanted to stop the tears and I thought know. Just stand here and feel the presence and fell the LOVE. I heard this woman is A queen. Her name was Gene. Then they SHowed me RObert and that scene. They apologized for letting me go. I got down in that runners tuck position and I cried and cried. My instant answer was Apology not even NECESSARY THEY WERE THE PERFECT SIGN. As I felt the Love grow and the tears flow. It made me think of my Father in LAw and that fight we got in when I had had enough of the put down's on my family and that garage full of crap he said. That crap was full of baby furniture for the next child and every holiday decorations because I didn't miss a one. Then the stuff that Greg through in, like it or not that was my Garage, those were my tools not his tools. He barely touched them and when he did he left a mess and made me pay dearly for every request. Regardless I realized I have Two Grandpa Bob's in my family and I love them both very much.

Now you might not know this but I got some Moon's in my family and a Few Summers to in my life. I'll take them any day. When push comes to Shove these families Represent. These people Stood in at my Wedding for my family. The only reason I didn't let Mr. P. Walk me down the Aisle was because I never had a dad anyway's I didn't need one now to walk me down the Aisle. No Thank You! Not ME. I'll do that on my own, Thank You. Hell I had no family to Represent but that Wedding Represent's. You know what else I heard? I heard the word LAVA ROCK! Now can that be that Pacific Rome of Fire or Mt. Rainier and isn't there a few Volcano's in Hawaii? I thought of Volcano before but not LAVA ROCK. Well if it's a Rock down Here, I'd say that Would be My Rock. My Ring of FIRE. It took me back that fire and how after both my surgeries I was up and around. I maybe sat around 1 day. The thing is on the first foot, after the anaesthesia completely wore off late at night, I didn't want to wake Greg so I sat in the living room screaming a loud whisper. It burned so bad. Now I had the percocet but I already took one and I wouldn't take a second to early. Finally on me next dose time six hours I took two and fell asleep. Then on the other foot, down for one day only because my stitches split, it didn't hurt a lot. I was right back up and moving.

The tendonitis that I developed in my arms in California. I couldn't lift my arms outwards or straight up. I kept having a dream that I was asking My Uncle Marvin about what is causing this pain and when I had Alex and Kiley it was at a all time high. I couldn't lift my arm behind a seat to hand them anything to comfort them. It hurt to pick them up and the scoliosis and the migraines, Then the sinus migraines triggering the migraines. Are you kidding me? The anger flowing through me is just simmering. It is a slow burn. And to think I just figured something else out. It seems I learn something new every day. That thing on a rope, swingy thing with a rock. The term David and Goliath popped into my head. The first answer was a sling, the second answer was that thing with two balls. Some other countries cowboy rope swing. The country, What is that country? Then it got me to thinking doesn't Australia have something like that? Then I was told that thing with chain, and a spiky ball. The answer was Morning Glory, Morning Star. This one is huge because that is my best friends daughter who comes from a family of 12. Can you say, BOOOYAA??? You do remember my brother had one in his hand with a loin cloth on? 12, can you say 12? 12 Cherokee's!!!!12 Monkey's and it was about a week maybe two ago a lil red bucket of monkey's showed up in this house. I started playing it one day in a meeting and without even thinking I drew 10. There were 10 lil monkey's all linked up. Not one broken link in that line. So if I'm learning about weaponry, for generations back from all across this world then I'm just telling you the power behind those weapons going back through the generations that I see in side of me. The question I am asking is are these my Daddy's that I see inside me or are these just my big brothers.

You know what else I figured out about this action and reaction thing is Colombia Mexico, Spain these ones and a few more this drug stuff with any country that is making a living off of the people selling drug's is this it about cause and reaction all the way around the world. I wear on my coat that is red that say's titanium it also say's Columbia. I have worn a red hair band in my hair and on my wrist since the beginning of this. I would twine it nine time's sometime's ten, sometimes 12 in my hair in the beginning of this. Who else do I have in this family tree of mine. How about that Medieval Cross I picked out that Michael Got from his Father. I like it because it looks like that weapon with a blade that swings both ways. Know what else I figured out about Gene with the Hammer Toe Feet. As a GrandMother she REPRESENTS A HAMMER SHARK OF THE SEA. This GrandMother might look elegant but this Grandmother has a bite.  I really wish I would of studied Geology more. I used to think why bother, I'll never get to go there. It was like these foreign countries weren't real. You know lately it has been dawning on me just what it is all these Nations and all these people and all this suffering really represent's. I found my three C's in a class at Gene Juarez. There were five of us. One Asian Male and Female. Three white girls all names Colleen. I figured out my FOur C's in a old class mate. He know's who he is. What I have figured out is that I have touched and interacted with just about every culture out there. Truth be told, I never saw the color of any of my friends skin. I saw the inside of them. It was always others around me making an issue and me being shocked that racism is so rampant. You know what else I figured out is it's these WHITE BITCHES that are the scariest. They are the most deceiving ones. I used to want a licence plate that said DCVING or DVIOUS. I've seen all of bad ass in all colors of women lately, but it is these quiet white ones, it's these rambunctious ones that you have to look out for. THESE MOTHERS HAVE SOME BITE. They Strike real fast. You know what else I can be pretty much the only white woman around and I don't even notice.

What I do notice is the harking order on mannerism's. When you see a Senior Citizen on a bus that needs to sit down, Move your ASS. I'm talking to you boy's. You girls that seem entitled like you are just to important in all your drama turn it the Fuck OFF. No one needs to hear your drama, and move your ASS for someone hurting or that is older than you. What are we teaching our children about Hierarchy in manners and all this disrespect for authority because you didn't want to deal with your children. You show them every day in your own actions and behavior, they see you. Teach these babies some respect. Their is nothing wrong with respect and Chivalry in any culture. For Christ Sakes pull up your pant's and put a shirt on in public. Ladies nobody really needs to see the crack of anyone's ass. You want respect then present yourself respectfully. Respect yourself. All this explosive cops going of is also a product of our out of control and disrespectful Society. We are causing our own children to get killed because they don't respect authority enough to Stop when a policemen present themselves as such. Now I know that cops have been in over kill mode and over stress mode but they have homes and families to get back home to and they are losing there family members and brothers and sisters to all kinds of war. This in our Nation is affecting other Nations. It's not a quick fix but Damnit it is a start. I keep telling Michael and Others. RISE above IT. There are so many people IN OUR NATION RIGHT NOW THAT REPRESENT ANOTHER NATION. From What I see those numbers are pretty good to me. Afterwards people will want to go back to there own country with there family and ancestors and rebuild. We Started out As There CHILDREN, We Will be there Children again and you will heal. HOLD ON PAIN ENDS.

Something else I just remembered I used to say to Michael, DUCK BUCKED AND MONKEY FUCKED. Yup that is MY Family. We might be a lil bit ducked up, we might be a lil bit mucked up but just DON"T FUCK WITH MY MONKEY"S. DONT FUCK WITH MY TRIBE. MY TRIBE IS COMING BACK. Lie with dog's you get bit by fleas and I've been bit by an awful lot.

I was down stairs doing house laundry and it hit me in observing these women. You know I see waves of personalities and colors going through this door from day to day. Not just the skin colors but the colors of the clothes. Some day's they would step out in black and whites, other days plaids and purples and reds.It hit me that I have just been schooled in Mother Hood in this house. I have cooked not very often, Thank God! That would be Mercy kicking in. But I have washed these dishes, at times side by side with another Rose, With another mother I have cleaned up after several times the one that drove me batty the most. She was a Damn good cook but boy did she make a mess. I have vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed toilets and you know I really don't mind. I'm pretty used to this because looking back I cleaned a few sister houses cooked meals disciplined and drove them to school. In one I literally shoveled shit off that carpet. Boy that house was almost inhabitable. I digress. I have learned to listen and think outside the box. I see the good inside those women and those women are gonna fly. They are going to go far. We have just had a few schizophrenic that stands out but lately it has been for lack of a better word, Actually I'm kinda liking it. This door has been a revolving door of batty women the last couple weeks but this last week and the last few day's let's just say for lack of a better word, you know that speechless word where your just seeing the big picture another element of surprise for a sign is WOW!!!!I mean just WOW!!!! Just listening to them there lost energy going every where. These women some can barely breath they are so paranoid. ONE SCREAMS AT HER MOTHER TELL JESUS I HATE HIM> TELL MARY I HATE HER. She is what I call a opposite, like she just doesn't know where these bizarre behavior and words are coming from. She doesn't feel that way inside. It's a cover a very deep cover for that one. WOW! That Child is buried down deep. The paranoid fear of there surroundings and no understanding of why? I do she is like a Cindy Lou Who. That little nice demeanor really is a Tiger. You see the beauty in seeing the animal the true nature inside someone. I never understood the term EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. Who is the Beholder and way? Is it him or is it me. You know what I saw just now typing the word BEHOLDER. I C A B then a E, Is it a B or Be or Bee Hold. I C a prophecy in another word.I think I understand this and it makes me cry. I just don't know on this crazy time line. This sequence of events. To find out your whole life you've been getting schooled. In so many houses and so many doors I've walked through. I used to ask Why Me God? Why did you sit me in this insanity? Now I ask you WHY THE FUCK NOT ME? I SEE THE WORD BEHOLDHER. Just a lil word play my family likes to play with me.

I just realized being schooled this way that My Mother brought me back to Nature. I had some young one ask me one day, were your parents flower children? I looked at her and laughed, not even close but afterward I walked away and I thought to myself. Who knows? Maybe. Just Maybe. Have to wait and see. I still have tomorrow and you never know just how I'm gonna feel tomorrow. My cloths didn't get dried, after everything getting mixed in with the dirty and clean and had to start over. I had to wash everything again. Now everything I have is wet including my sweat shirt and coat. It's OK this isn't nothing living this sheltered life I live in. Always a new adventure. Never the same, not with this women anyway. Some day's are good and some days are bad. Right now I got house laundry to finish and cig's to roll.

03/06/2016

This morning my music of choice is CREED. The songOpen arms hit me hard. The relationship of a mans first child. Creed for me has soul and truth in the emotions. Remember what I said it doesn't matter who you listen to as long as it inspires a emotion, something that  drives you to feel something inside you. Earlier I listened to some GODSMACK. It was the titles of the songs the lyrics. Not my choice of music style but truly we all have our own taste for music in this life.

You know what I used to do with my children, who used to fight like cats and dogs. It tore me apart. Screaming and yelling over Alex's yelling get's me no where especially when Kiley was the quiet one in the background and it upset her deep inside when they fought. My solution to this problem was they had to hug between the minutes of their ages. If Kiley was six and Alex was eight, they had to hug for seven minutes. The fighting would turn into groans. They would eye each other up and down. You could see them connecting in their own way just how are they going to maneuver around this. Always the end result was laughter and giggles.  Hugging as a punishment. What a concept. I have learned that if your child has a strong will, you as a parent better have a stronger will. They up the antie on behavior and so do you. If not they truly turn into lil out of control demons who grow up with no respect and no boundaries. They don't develop the tools to cope with diversity and have patience if you don't teach them. I was IMing with a old friend. We had the talk about rough housing and playing with your children. When you think about it it teaches your children just what boundaries are. It teaches them limits on hurting someone else by accident. What to do with those boundaries. A mother cat or dog, plays with the babies and nips when they get out of line and go to far. That is how we teach our children. Teach them to be the best they can be. Teach them about strength inside and out.

You know these computers and customer service is really standing in the way in society today. I heard of a woman at a veterans office sue the computer as a fault. It's not my fault it's the computer. Really? All these re-assessment's are a fucking joke. Even on a prescription for cough pearls, it was written for a year. After six months I had to go back to the doctor to get a re-fill. My doctor couldn't write me for a muscle relaxer that she wanted to choose for me. It was a five day hold and a mess of paper work to the insurance company. The re-assessment on insurance that you have for a year get's canceled until you re-asses after six months. Think about being homeless and phone limits to keep track and wait on hold. You have to call three different numbers just to update anything. To much red tape in this mess. These slow servers and passwords slow me down. The truth is after this hits we won't have to input orders an a machine. It will have to be done the old fashioned way. Writing it down and communication with the cooks. No more blaming the servers. Those cook's in the kitchen will not be able to blame the servers anymore. Time for the cooks to start actually being able to multi-task again. Get those neurons to firing in over drive. I have also noticed something else here about these burned out truckers and customers.

Time to clean up your mess people. Do you have any idea how many cigarette butts and garbage I picked up at that truck stop. I don't give a fuck who you are. Stop being lazy and littering. It's not just the truckers but the commuters. On another point these truck stops can set the truckers up better to succeed in this. More garbage's available as well as a outside dumping containers for the urine you need to dispose. Think about having to keep puling off the road and park that semi just to pee. Huge pain in the ass especially with the time frame these truckers are given to commute. How about some undercover sitting areas. How about a latte stand. How about these companies, these corporations stop leaving your crew holding the responsibility for all this garbage and shit. Those homemade milkshakes made the old fashioned way need to go, especially when you are working by yourself. Having us leave a huge restaurant open. I'm talking about the sections on the floor. Did it ever occur to you that when you pick the furtherest table away to sit alone or with a group that that is time and energy the server has to put out to get to you. You want great service help your server to serve you better. When this happened I was very honest and up front with what the outcome is going to be with  a room full of people on one side and you far away on the other. Honesty was the best policy. My goal is the customer not the corporation standards, that truly they couldn't do it themselves. Passing broken stipulations down a line creates broken links in that chain of service. When I came back six months later to TA the fire extinguisher was sitting in the same place behind the Hostess station. Didn't move a inch. Plus the night a truck caught on fir right outside the door Cyndi and me had no idea where the extinguishers were on the floor in the first place. I am sorry I just let my fingers do the walking but these spell checks are a joke. The keys don't work right. I hate going back to fix this shit.

This is just the beginning of the changes a coming on.

I have noticed through old classmates and people around my generation that we look and feel way younger than out ancestors before us even with the heavy burden's and battles so many have fought today. So many different battles, so many different wars. So many of us have pulled through and we look DAMN GOOD doing it. Those battles we fought in this lifetime were not to take us down but make us stronger. The ones who looked older and battle scarred took on heavy burdens for us and don't you ever forget it. Do not judge the ones who fought a harder deeper war. Lift them up and rejoice them. Inside they are stronger than you know. They have homes in heaven I assure you.

Do you know what angers me is this Facebook choosing our audience. Who sees our stuff. They use the guise to pick key words to attract a bigger audience. I choose my audience not them, well that is the way it is now, but not for long. I'm tired of this. They keep changing the parameters. I have contacted Facebook through there parameters and I still can't get on my original Facebook post during that crazy time. I'd like to know what I said at times. I have discovered those are predictions of the truth of what is going to go down. Some of you are going to get left holding the bag, and some of you are going to be caught with your pants down with your dick in your hand. For those of you behind the scenes, might as well bend over and take it up the ASS. Kiss your ASS goodbye. It is not a threat just the truth. I know at times I get pretty cocky but I have discovered that is my job.

I love that it is springtime around the corner. I love the cherry blossom tree's. I always wanted a a long drive way lined up with cherry blossom trees alternating pink and white. That way when you walked under it the cherry blossoms fell onto your head like snow. How fun is that. My own snowy lane in the spring.

Their are two stories I'd like to tell you about my youngest daughter. Actually three stories but first let me tell you something else that makes me laugh at how easy some of the stuff is inside my head to figure out I mean. MY GOD we made things so hard didn't we? Really everyone makes such a big deal about Eve being made from Adam's rib. This is the good part. Wow! What is it that Adam has of Eve's? Come on think about it? OH HELL! Adam has Eve's apple. She has his heart, but she is the apple of his eye. Now you can go on all you want about which fruit Eve ate in the Garden that day when she stood alone with the Snake. When you really think about it, ask yourself why Eve turned to the snake, what drove her to that snake. I don't know about you but even being Eve one of God's creations being alone with a snake wouldn't be the creature I'd want to be alone with. Greg and I had a conversation a long time ago. I said rat in the grass, he said Colleen it was a Snake. Funny why did I think rat anyway? Did I smell a rat back then as he admired himself in the mirror. I wonder what was up with that anyway?

We draw the heart with two halves, but their are four chambers. Don't forget about that ying and yang that the first thing I noticed is there is always light in the dark. Ying and Yang means hand in hand there is balance. We can get balance back in this miserable lil life I live and through me and my brothers and sisters balance grows and grows.Then that light in the dark grew to hidden under that shroud of darkness. Let's not forget that dark cloud I see. You know when I said when Alex called pop tarts, hearts and I saw the RED KING of HEARTS, Well I think we are about to find out who that BLACK KING OF HEARTS REPRESENTS. Funny how it really is all part of big God's big plan after all. Hey what about those tornado's a brewing in the East, I wonder just what our East is a representation of? Creed, tell me which is you? That is the song I hear in my head. Now it's funny how when I think of that, my mind goes back to those snake eyes I found in stone. Those were Gold Snake EYES I SEE. I wonder who is holding the black dice I SEE? I remember I didn't like it when they were gambling with my life. I didn't like that, not ONE GOD DAMN BIT. You got questions about my essence now? You got questions about my DNA and just who's blood really runs through my veins. I used to hate that my Mothers blood rand through my veins. It made me angry it made me sick. That one is hidden beneath that Shroud of Darkness, she's buried so deep. Who knew all that distention between Mother and Son, and Mother and Two daughters was part of the big plan. My Mother is still strong as an OX and well her baby brother TED well he is looking a lot like a bear the last time I saw him. He looked beautiful to me. He has two daughters with my strawberry red aunt from Germany, Their initials are J and S and by seeing and knowing what I know about these two they both carry a very strong Father inside and a very strong Mother. Nope I tell you my family still stands. The youngest I was worried for awhile about this one. You know my Aunt Ingrid and I have had just a few words I remember the last one when my Uncle Marvin before he died he got really bad case of shingles for a really long time on his ASS and Testicles. Me and my Aunt laughed as I said Karma can be A REAL BITCH. Hilarious, I can't wait to tell het this part, her youngest one Travis, the one she worries about but she's ready for him to fly to stand on his own. This one Travis he aint got much but he's got family. His best friend shot himself in the head when he was in the house. He was a logger and a branch tore through his abdomen. He really is a strong lil tree Ferry after all. I always loved this kid and I'd say he was misunderstood too. I see a lil ADHD in that one too.

Janine grew into a bear and has learned to stand on her own two feet. She has been getting stronger, now she's got three children. Two boys and a girl. Funny how she even resembles a bear like my grandma Lily. This story just keeps getting better and better. Now I got my lil Shelly. She used to be called the ugly duckling, I never agreed with that she blossomed into a swan. Her God is strong in that lil family. She's got a few lessons this one but it will be awesome. She was married to a red head with mental illness and he tried to take her out. Guess what she won. Her God is stronger. She's not small and petite I love this. She was always beautiful to me.

My uncle Sam and Pat. Talk about differences. They have hung in through the thick and thin for a long time now. These two represent.

My cousin Robin being raped by her husband brutally in front of her children because it was legal in that State. His name starts with a K. She stands and so do her children. They represent this mother she don't mess around.

Now how about Neil Sam's son. He married a sweet Christian Red Head, who after he married felt that sex was just for pro-creation like in the BIBLE. Really? I'd drink too. After all we are only human. Here's the kicker however. Three red headed children and they owned and made candy. Little confections. Now this family, I see wings on their backs, Lil fairy wings after all. Some burdens we carry are heavy. It's all about cause and effect.

Darren who had a woman show up at the door with his son Erin I think at the age of four. He is my twin and we were kissing cousins after all. Look how my family grows.

Nothing like listening to the music. The beats the song to get me in the mood. I switched it up to Queen: We ARE The Champions. This is the CD that Kiley kept stealing from me so I got her her own, my God She was like eight. Then mine disappeared and I happily acquired it back. The music we pass back and forth through the generations is so awesome.

Something about my lil Kiley. She was born over 8 pounds I believe 8 lb's 4 ounces. The doctors wanted to do a C section. I was like no fucking way you aren't cutting in my stomach. Kiley came on fast and hard. The thing about Kiley is she had a big head. Just a lil bigger than the rest of her lil body. Because we shared clothes well Alex head would slide through some shirts and well KiKi's not so easy. I used to tell her it was because she has big brains to go with that big head. She'd laugh and be all proud. When Kiley was about two or three we went camping up at Lake Kachess and I always got the best camping spot. One time we opened the car doors to get out. When we got out of the car we didn't think about the mosquitos getting in with her and with in seconds those mosquitos only attacked around her eyes.

When Kiley was about I think it was just a couple of months old my mother in law put her in her car seat and didn't hook the seat belt straps on her and just covered her with a blanket. When I went to lift her up into the Ford Exploder she fell out over my arm's and went splat right on her fore head. I didn't say a word. I was HOT. Who does that put a baby in a car seat and not strap her in? Kiley was fine.

When Kiley was about three we were in a old fashioned tea shop. I loved the owners. Wonderful food made out of old family recipes and these mothers were very gifted. They could read your tea leaves. Red Headed daughter my age. Why they keep pointing out the reds in my life I don't know  anymore. So many red's I see. Kiley tripped over her own two feet and she flew into that refrigerated glass case and she moved it a good four inches. She was just fine. This one is a lil hard headed I guess just like her Mother. This one was born with Angel Wings on her back. She carries the light she is so strong. Kiley feels her animals. Kiley slept with her first red chicken until it died and she was like 17 yrs old. Alex she runs with the gold lions and bears. I got a magic rock and a planet rock. I like the word Meteorite. I hear something else.

Now I have another two first cousins that I hold very dear to my heart. When this started I saw on a rehab my cousin Belinda standing staring out of a window. I already knew something was weighing this one down and the dark cloud over head the one that makes her so tired but she can't sleep. She is buried very deep. you try being the first daughter to Marvin. She holds a lot inside. She holds the secrets and lies in. This one has no shame or guilt or burdens when this is over. She's got a daughter who has two children and some of us agreed to carry the burdens for us. Because she is strong. She married a Dell. Oh this Dell, I love this Dell. So sweet, so easy going. You know this Dell might not have two nickels to rub together but you know what he doesn't need to. His heart is huge and he has had issues with what you all label a mental illness and you would never know. Beside Belinda is quite the firecracker, but he always had her back.

Then their is a Big Kimm to my sister. Oh yes this one has weathered a few storms. She had her own James who made her feel shame because she wasn't small and petite. You know what she is the way she is for a reason. She is the way she is because she is a great big MARE. She is a black stallion to her sister Belinda. Her husband Tom Red Head heart problems. It makes me sad. The love of her life is ill and oh so sweet. The thing about the women in our family our pickers might be broken. That is what I would tell people about myself. My picker is broken. I think it's funny that it was broken for a reason. it was never to take us down. All that heart ache and pain wasn't for nothing. None of it will go unnoticed. My family is being watched. Now this Big Kimm she has two children one with my grandma Lily's first name and she grew up with a boys name and I carry her very close in. Let's not forget my lil Jay. My lil JJ. This one huge heart big stick. He's got that James and that KING in the queen in Big Kimm. Oh yes my family grow's and grows. They might not stand beside me but they represent this storm I feel a coming on.

You know I remember the first time I popped Alex on the butt. She was three and she took off running from the sidewalk into a parking lot. She needs to stop when I say stop. It is dangerous, you do not mess around with the Safety of your children. The next time was when she got on a power trip at four and pooped her pants blatantly in front of me. She got two pops on the butt and made to clean up her own mess and she never did it again.  If all you do is spank your children then that discipline does not work but it kills them inside. I tried the wooden spoon with those two after my divorce. You see they were getting bigger and when it was time to go to bed it was time for bed. So I would start the process early knowing full well what was going on. They wouldn't see the smile I hid behind my eyes. Every time. I never did anything like this when I was angry, not one time. They caught on real fast and Kiley would hand Alex a pull up right from the start. This of course didn't happen but a couple of times because to tell you the truth trying to pin down something almost my size to me it looked pretty horrible. Besides trying to aim to pop that lil butt, they were so strong and wiggly. I was afraid I'd hit there lil hand. My grandma used the fly swatter on me. Needless to say they settled right down at bed time. You just got to wear them out first. Children have so much energy and handing them a computer screen when you are busy instead of learning the big motor skills is so out of balance. We have turned into a society of feeding the brain but not the body and spirit. This parenting thing is going to get so much easier because all this stress is going to lift. I even popped my friend Shelly's son Aspen on the BUTT one day. he kicked his mother. This one is so angry and disrespectful now, I fear jail for him and poor sierra needs to take a step back and re-evaluate just how worthy she is. Both of these children have fought a battle through the generations all the way down the line. Even under that dark cloud my oh so sweet family sits under the answers are coming. These Women are strong. They have our Mothers in them and well these boys they love their mothers and Fathers. I can't wait to tell them that the chair I used to sit in at V's and I took it to storage reminded me of my Uncle Marvin and my Grandfather. he was a cowboy too. My cousin Darren he has already ridden in a few rodeo's himself.

I went out to have a cigarette and one of these young women is feeling happy today. She just got scammed it cost her $39.95 to change her address. Are you kidding me? These scams are outrageous. The scams of background check fee's and all this paranoia to rent to someone is so ridiculous. The Government because of cause and effect of the dark plan that is trying to go off right under our noses is about to come to a end. The first word I heard in this house is family. You know why this is coming down now? Our Mothers have carried the burdens of the Ego of the fathers for far to long and the women are out here now and I ask where are these responsible husbands and fathers? They see this upstairs sisters against sisters now. Brothers against sisters. Let's not forget the injustice of our children and this cause and effect. We are stealing our children and using them as drug mules and the mothers do it to feed there children. We are adopting or foster care is pretty rampant with the snakes who use our children for a pay check and some abuse and scar already scarred children. We have sacrificed our children's hearts all the way around theses Nations for the EVOL of LOVE and the price tag we put on there heads and bodies. I caught on to the pedophelia and that way EVOL was turned from LOVE. I'm a quick study and Mr Obama. Mr President I call you out. If you are thinking about a take over for the muslim pride think again. If you know anything about anything you remember you have to daughters a wife and a mother. We have become a Nation of image and dollar sign's. This Shit is done as long as I stand. I'm taking this stand with you. The President of our Nation in this United States of America. This Red White and Blue. You stepped in a lot of shit and muck stepping into such a controversial society. You think about what people are saying about the muslims and Martin Luther King. Do you represent's the Zealots with big Egos or do you have family? Do you have pride? I assure you those who have passed on before you have a good understanding of the mistakes already made with the Ego's and Women and all this suppression. I don't know about you but I want my daughters to fly and represent. What do you represent? Who's Father are you and what Father do you represent? Our time is ticking away that is all I have to say.

Do you know what else I have on my side the freedom of speech. You try to shut me down from my web post or limit my audience and I will keep coming back in another way. Just how we will have to wait and see. you know what I see in the women who work here I see big hearts with big Daddies and Mothers standing behind them. Now I have a few special ones but for now I will talk about Nara. I love this one. You know when I see the shape of her body and hands hurting and small with arthritis I see a Tyrannosaurus. She has the voice of an Angel to match. Now I have another who for a few days drove me nuts. His name is George. I call this George's jungle. He is from Liberia and he has educated me on how the families pretty much hand over our daughters to the highest bidder. You see just what I mean. Even today with this issue there is no balance. No one has the right to put a price tag on anyone's head. China, really? No excuses and you should just be glad I don't know even more but I know just what this means. I see it. You might think I lived in a small sheltered life but my world is pretty big. I may carry bag's for cig's now. Before I just did it, but I'm not to proud. It's a barter system out here. Oh yes the other thing about Georges jungle and what he brought to this table is he has two more older brother. I like my nines. People don't realize that at times they drive me nuts for a reason. If these ladies aren't bouncing on my head well I assure you out here someone is giving me a reminder. In there own way you might say. I can tell you this much this George to me represents West Africa. it only takes one to light my path and show me the way.

Let's not forget my lil Red Robin, and I love my G in Geneva. I have my Sidney and lil Michelle who recently just shrunk a lil more. I have a Gail and a Caroline and a Audrey. Let's not forget my other sister Sherry. How about Sara. Now this lil woman I loved from the start. Now this lil lady she has a lesson coming around but it is all good in the end. remember some are just lessons and teachings but for a alil woman she packs a big punch. You should of heard what T called her behind her back. Some kind of Satanic thing. Something Evil. This lil woman's Evil comes from God. She has a big God. I know who her Mother is. I have a Eleanor. I LOVE this Eleanor. She represents in the name and heart. I don't care what anyone says. I am appalled when someone asks why I help her. The answer is because I can.  I can't wait until the day I can tell Lisa just who I am. This one grew two inches from Scoliosis and our families connected in the past. She is studying religious Theology and I so want to pick her brain. Someday very soon I will hug her because she is gonna fly. Now don't forget my Chris and all the Lilies and Roses and all my lil gemstones I see in these women. You know we might all pray to a different God but it doesn't matter not to me anyway's. To tell you the truth I'll take there God's anyday. Through them I have learned about different God's through exploring these different churches I sleep in I have picked up pieces to the story here and there. Who knew that the thought of God, my God, my Mother can cause so much fear that no one even want's to talk about me or share me. I do not mind. I have learned there is enough of me to go around. I go around and around through other peoples lives. Remember I don't work for you. I work for them. They are my vessel. Not you! My swear words weather you like it or not gives me power. Time to grow up people. I'm talking to the adults. I don't want to here any pussy ears out there. If you are scared or offended turn me off. That is about as much control you are going to have over me. I am on a MISSION.  I might be small, I might be nice, but when it comes to my children, I don't fuck around. I am catching on to just who I represent. These bitches are ready to get down and dirty. One other thing I have learned it doesn't matter where I write it. I just have to write it and say it and put it all out there. Weather you believe me or not this is my promises, this is my promised land I SEE. I don't have patience anymore for people who stand around and take up space. You know the kind who sits in a chair and blocks me from my bags while they go on and on about how they are just sitting there. Like they are doing me justice sitting there blocking me from my bags. Such blow hards. If you hand someone a paper plate and are so desperate for attention that you get down in her face for five minutes requesting a thank you then take a look in the mirror. The person that I saw this done to was a senior citizen who couldn't hear very well. This entitlement and bullying is gonna stop.

The lesson in judgement and how when we place our opinions over someone else's life and what they should do because you are being a good Christian with good intentions. I don't know any God who thinks this is appropriate. Let's talk about this smoking thing. I asked Eleanor for a Cig. A volunteer saw this and saw that poor lil Eleanor smokes and heavens to bitsy she is homeless at that. This woman goes into saying to her well do you think you should be smoking? You are homeless and oh so poor? Plus it's not good for yourself. I've had enough of the judgement on smoking. It's the Government who poisons it and charges different prices in different locations just like everything else. Let's take note on this one. How dare someone place a judgement on someone else's life who has lost so much already and you are going to try and make her feel worse for the choices she makes about her body and her life. It doesn't matter to me who you are you have no right to even question or so kindly on a mission for God with all theses good intentions to make her feel worse. I assure you not everyone that is in here is because they are dirt poor. They have a income some just not enough and they fell between the cracks. That tobacco paid for your america in the beginning and don't you forget it. It doesn't matter how much you save by not smoking you don't have enough to live on anyway. If that is her drug of choice so be it. She ain't hurting you. How dare you do this to someone else to make you feel better. That is a poor excuse of any God I know. Until you walk a day in my shoes or these women you better think again about just who has a house in HEAVEN. If I represent that Mother and those legends I see inside me and those brothers upstairs and fathers, I assure you this ANGEL SMOKES. You wanna talk about a marking and just what I carry on my back. It used to be a Angel in a dark Blue gown with a pink and blue aura around it. I got it before my divorce. You know so I always have a Angel on my shoulder kind of thing. Over the years I have forgotten about it. Before this journey the pink aura was there. Now you can say my pink cloud is gone. Because those Angel wing's got pointy. I don't know weather it is a big bad Fairy I see or God's and Mothers daughter getting ready to go into battle. If you think everything is going to be all pretty for you and a bed of roses think again. You better be thankful it's a woman this time. You should be thankful it's not another brother. We tried it the brothers way and all you people stuck with the ego inside especially the men with the attitude that women are the servers of man. They sent a woman to do a man's job this time. With this woman I have a full heart. A full house and a full deck. Time to lead with the heart not with the braun. All that braun just goes to the head anyway. With the drugs you use to get all big well lets just say you can kiss that head goodbye. I'd rather have the heart  any day. I don't see a whole lot of Cherish the wives, cherish the mothers a going on around here. I kinda like that there is a New Sheriff in town and that this lil sheriff will have the last laugh along with all those John's I see.

One other thing I had to ask who it was that pulled the sword out of the rock. It was King Author. I loved hearing this. You know what this Mother did. I stuck that staff in the ground. I stuck that Talon in before that. I set this stage with my brother's and those mothers. Lets talk abut Character your true nature your true character. Just what character are you? Just who does that mask you wear on your face really represent? I don't have anything against rich people I'm not bitter about money, I'm bitter about the greed and the entitlement and justifications that you think is going to buy you a house in Heaven. I got news for you. My Kingdom up there doesn't cost one GOD DAMN DIME. My ex thought money grow's on tree's. Reality check it is bout the tree's those evergreen tree's those redwood trees those willow trees and I liked it yesterday when I looked at the sycamore tree's and what that bud looked like in the center and of all days to see that lil pod. It looked like a Morning Glory. You will not take my SUN down that SUN is there SUN not yours.

I just got back from a little walk and I thought about what I had said earlier about in this house you can't stop in a corner or a doorway or pause in a hall with a woman always right behind you. In this house you've always got a woman standing behind you and that is the beauty of how my family teaches me lessons in my so called miserable life. To tell you the truth I never had a successful friendship with any best friend or friend. I had never had a lasting healthy relationship with any woman. You know what the truth with in this lesson is the one I would always say to my two daughters when they would fight your friends are fickle but sisters are forever. Your sister always has your back. That is so true in my life today. If my sister and I were able to speak she would know pretty quickly just what it is I'm talking about. Oh that conversation would be long and grueling because sometimes my sister keeps repeating herself an awful lot to me especially when she is upset. Oh this cannot be a phone conversation. God not for a minute. To put me through the emotions of that conversation to lighten that load to tell her "OH BABY GIRL! YOU ARE A QUEEN AND YOU HAVE A KINGDOM. TO TELL HER WE HAVE BEEN SO MANY SISTERS IN SO MANY LIFETIMES IT IS NOT FUNNY.THE LIFETIMES OVER AND OVER OF SISTERHOOD AND JUST WHAT IT MEANS TO ME AND HER. THAT HER STRENGTH SERVING HIM AS HIS DAUGHTER AND THAT SHE IS OH SO STRONG AND SHE WENT THROUGH BECAUSE SHE CAN AND SHE DID. FOR HER MOTHER WHICH IS MINE. I AM HONORED TO OF SERVED MY LIFETIME BESIDE MY SISTER THROUGH THICK AND THIN. I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HER THAT SOON WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK IN ONE LAST BATTLE BEFORE WE GO HOME. THAT WE DO NOT HAVE TO COME BACK ANYMORE, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD FOREVER MORE WE ARE DONE FIGHTING WITH OUR HEARTS OUR MINDS OUR BODIES AND OUR SPIRITS AND MOST OF ALL OUR BLOOD. WE WILL BE DONE GIVING BLOOD. WE WILL NOT BE DONE GIVING LIFE AND MILK TO THIS PLANET. OH KNOW NEVER THAT. THIS IS THE OTHER HALF OF MY BEATING HEART. FROM THIS DAY FORWARD FOREVER MORE OUR FEET MOVE FORWARD AND OUR BEAT DANCES ON. TWO HEARTBEATS. TWO DRUMBEATS TWO FOOTPRINTS FOREVER MORE. WE ARE THE TWO SOUL SISTERS. WE DANCE TO THE BEAT OF OUR OWN DRUM. SISTERHOOD KEEPS MOVING FORWARD FOREVERMORE. TWO HEART BEATS ONE DRUMBEAT FOREVERMORE THE BEAT GOES ON FOREVERMORE. OH SISTER DEAR YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PART OF ME FOREVER MORE. THROUGH OUR CHILDRENS PAIN AND BROKEN HEARTS THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHAINS AND NO MORE BLOODY TEARS. TEARS TURN BACK TO WATER. I COULD NOT OF DONE THIS JOURNEY IN MY SO CALLED MISERABLE LIFE. FIST THROWN OUR BODIES BEAT WITH WORDS SLICING INTO OUR SPINE AND DICING OUR BRAINS WITH OUR BROKEN BLEEDING HEARTS. THROUGH THIS JOURNEY I HAVE LEARNED THROUGH YOUR PAIN AND SACRIFICE I SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER. YOU ARE A QUEEN ALWAYS IN MY HEART. ALWAYS A QUEEN OF DIAMONDS ALWAYS THE QUEEN OF MY HEART. I AM HONORED TO OF SERVED WITH YOU BESIDE ME BECAUSE I LEARNED ON THIS JOURNEY YOU ARE THE BEST PART OF MY HEART. THE SOUL SISTER OF MINE INSIDE OF ME. WE PASS THIS CODE UNTO OUR DAUGHTERS FROM THIS DAY FORWARD FOREVER MORE. HEARTS GROW MY RUBY RED DIAMOND. MY SISTER LION. MY SISTER TWIN WITH HUGE WINGS I SEE STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU. NO MORE BURDENS FROM OUR FATHERS NO MORE REJECTIONS FROM OUR BROTHERS. NO MORE LABELS.NO MORE BLOODY DAUGHTERS HEARTS. NO NOT ANYMORE. YOU SACRIFICED YOUR BODY BUT OH HONEY YOU NEVER SACRIFICED NOT ONE PART OF YOUR SOUL. OH BABY GIRL. THROUGH ME THROUGH US WE HAVE FAMILY FOREVER MORE. NO MORE RELIGION NO MORE RULES. NO MORE CHAINS THAT BIND US NO MORE MORE WHIPS NO MORE CHAINS. NOT ONE MORE DROP OF BLOOD SACRIFICED FROM THE TIPS OF OUR FINGERS ON THAT A WHIDDLING LOOM. YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PART OF MY SOUL. WITHOUT YOU I WOULD OF NEVER CLEANSED THAT BLOODY DIAMOND. THROUGH YOUR TEARS THROUGH YOUR PAIN. YOUR PAIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY PAIN. TOGETHER WE CARRIED THAT PAIN. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST QUEEN OF MY HEART I SEE. YOU AE THE OTHER HALF OF MY SISTER SOUL. SOUL SISTERS THAT WE ARE. WE DANCE TO OUR OWN DRUM. WE HAVE OUR OWN RHYTHM BUT TOGETHER WE WILL DANCE. WE WILL SING. I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL FOREVER MORE YOU ARE FOREVER MORE TO ME. FRIENDS ARE FICKLE SOUL SISTERS ARE FOREVERMORE.

03/07/2016

Today I am hot I am to the boiling point. Before I go any further on what they have shown me last night and this mornings rain just not a good day at all. I am going to go back some maybe that will help me cool off. Right now I am listening to Fire Away some country song I haven't ever heard before. I don't have music to listen to out here unless I am on a computer. Talk about music soothing the soul. It helps me when I'm angry, it helps when I'm sad. It helps me work through what is going on. Boy when I am angry and ready to roll it is the beats that drive me.

I wanted to point out how they keep taking me back around to certain people. Like my sister for example. I know she represents those women I see above me. Every time they take me back around to someone, they have me see something a little deeper. Along with the emotion. I have to feel it. I have to feel everything every step of the way. Just when I thought I couldn't feel any deeper any more emotional I think no more. I don't want to feel this anymore. When you love so so deeply and you worry about someone or you just want to be near to make sure they are okay, what can I say LOVE hurts. I just want this pain to end. I don't want to feel anymore. No more feeling. Give me a break. Just when you think your heart can't break anymore no matter what they are going to pull you through it kicking and screaming. So if my writing helps me to process and analyze , then so be it. Let's just get it over with. I was crying last night of realizing just what my sister truly means to me inside. At times I hate them for showing me.

Then right after they took me back to Greg. Oh the shit I went through I already knew but I don't want to know because my rage is unpalatable. I have no tolerance for anything. To be around other people no thank you. I'm afraid I will explode out of context and take it out on someone else. Plus I'm hungry and already feeling tired. My two double shot espresso's and cup of coffee isn't cutting it. Nothing to eat at the house or take with you. My tobacco is the priority over anything right now especially today. I had to roll, crunched for time as usual. Let's not forget the space and waiting in line to pee every time. Hold's me up. If I had the cash today would be a double pack day. Two packs Marlboro Black Long. When I stood in the tobacco shop last time I saw the bag that said Red River. I wanted it. I wanted that tobacco. Then I saw a smaller bag that said RED. I settled. I took that one. It wasn't until a couple day's later that a friend pointed out I was smoking pipe tobacco.  OMG! WTF!  These fucking public servers are slow. The keyboard button's don't work right and this mouse clicker doesn't click or grab. I highlight to spell check and it doesn't have the most basic word. You highlight to separate and it highlight's everything. You move the mouse to unclick unselect and it sends you off somewhere else I didn't want to be in the first place. The backspace button that freezes then deletes everything and again I'm on their timeline.

I just wonder if all my animals are white. you know those spirit guide animals, I wonder what I would be in the kingdom under the sea? They keep taking back to that shark. That great white. you know top of that food chain? Just who the fuck am I anyways? They showed me this with Greg, that's when they took me back around. I don't know if they like to piss me off or what? I kind of think they want my anger?

They showed me the time I asked Greg to keep me on the company insurance the one he illegally removed my name from with Mary Stone and cleaned out the accounts and transferred. I was told if I want half this business back then I get half his school loans. I was told by Greg that I could go back to school after him and whenever I tried he said no. I was cheap labor. So when I asked Greg this he said no he didn't want to do something illegal. I paid out a hundred bucks for Paxil and Relpax and imitrex 3 to 4 hundred. The other crap they put me on. I felt  like a guinnie pig and if there experiments didn't work then I'm being difficult, because it says right here it should work. I felt like a human pin cushion and the needles didn't bother me anymore. So yeah it cost a lot. He could've but wouldn't. The Mother of his Children hurt and he wasn't going to lift one finger that really didn't cost him anything.

I had to go on State Insurance to pay for Alex's med's. That was going to be a battle. So I made it work on my side. He wouldn't give them to her the longest time. I'd get her and she couldn't sleep, I had a depressed daughter crying in my lap on and off during the nights a emotional mess because she was roller coastering up and down from being only on them part of a time. I had my suspicions because every time we transferred I gave him his half and at times he still had those pills. One time I went in and pretended to get a glass of water and I opened the cupboard we kept the med's in and there on the shelf 15 pills. The interesting thing I found was antidepressant for Greg. Wow! Didn't he stand up above me and make snide comments about me needing these pills. I was weak. Then in the hospital he convinced Kiley and Alex to tell me to take the pill. Because you know they always check in with him. I gave him everything from the start. My phone my pass codes and writing. He told the girls no I don't want to invade her privacy. Invade my privacy you showed up at my work and my friends gathering information. Truth is I am only human and as a human who's spirit is dying you can only take so much.

When Greg stayed home with me for Alex I thought it would be fun. The three of us. The first day back I asked if he could do something. He said no. The dishwasher broke and he thought it would be fun to cook on the wood stove. I was breast feeding Alex and he had not washed one dish and we had company coming over and I asked if he could clean the kitchen? He said you know this is my time off, this is my break. When Greg left for work three weeks later my house was destroyed and as he was walking out the door, I asked can you write a check today to pay the mortgage. He said no. While in the hospital I had a cough and after I got out we discovered later I had bronchitis. One hundred and three point five temp. He was not happy with me. He did enough I guess. Playing video games and watching TV

After I came home from the hospital with Kiley I made sure my mom was there this time. He locked himself in the back and we didn't see him for three days. You see Greg managed my time. He decided how and when I could take a break. So on weekends that we needed to be home to work on the house and get things done, every weekend we didn't pack up to go someplace because ya know Greg worked he needed a break. He wanted to Go to his parents house. That way I had his mom to help. Instead it turned into two women cooking cleaning and feeding while even his dad pretty much did the BBQ and prep work. I got to where no way I am not packing up this place to go stay somewhere else evry weekend, while my own home got behind. I realized now that Greg thought the women were to serve him. I asked his parents about this lack of motivation or drive? Bob said Elaine didn't make the boys do chores. She grew up poor on a farm and she didn't want her kids to have to work. That lil woman never stopped moving and neither did the dad. Now if I was a father with two strapping boys and I invested in fixer uppers, you'd bet those boys would be right with me. See to much one way or the other isn't good no matter what the intentions are. Greg really only saw his Father at meals and camping, fishing, mushrooming. Look at what he could of learned.

I'm the type of person that if it's broke, try to fix it. take it apart, if you can't fix it, you didn't hurt anything because it was already broken. If I messed up something that was broken and it turned out okay I could always go back and do it again because I learned something. I learned what to not do.

When Greg came out of the back after three day's I was giving Kiley a bath and he told me not to. I have no idea why? It was three days after all, it was safe to do it. At the hospital on the way over he was acting all put out. I let it go him disappearing again. I just moved forward. If I asked Greg to throw in a load of laundry, he would pack the washer with everything and anything so full it could hardly regurgitate. Colors ran and the clothes got the lil balls all on them. I was already aware of the money going back out the door when he ruined things because he didn't care. I told him this I tried pointing out that this is counterproductive and costly. The point was Greg didn't want to be bothered.

I had torn the bathroom apart and had retuxturized everything. I put everything back in place and I asked Greg to go up in the attic and hook up the fan. He did but Greg laid on the sheet rock instead of the beam and cracked the ceiling. Everything was like this. I was so tired of keeping up with Greg's impossible demands that after Kiley was born and a few times being stranded at a public campground with two babies. I went and bought a tent trailer. Cheap payments. It was my trailer and I took care of it immaculately. I put it up cleaned restocked for next time around and reset everything to be ready to go. At night if a battery died I got up to change it out, including the propane and the water tanks. One time Greg asked me if him and Mike can take it up to the pass to ski? I was pretty hesitant. I said OKAY! On his way back down the mountain he didn't push the step back in and bent it. He didn't close the trailer all the way and it got moldy.

While in California Greg wanted to sell his car. I said Okay, but if you do don't think you are taking my car to school. I'm going to work. Greg said don't worry, I'm only three blocks away, I'll ride my bike. He starts riding with a friend across the road. Greg decided he wanted to drive sometimes. I said no. I always work overtime and for awhile a second job. I was a selfish bitch. Greg hardly went to class the first couple of years except around exams. Other than that Greg was playing or at the beach. It wasn't until after the last 3 quarters that it was mandatory to go to class. Greg said he wanted to pain the inside of apartments as extra money with a friend. Greg did two jobs, and by the end of school we still had not been paid out for the machine I paid for. When I asked Greg if he could do x-rays on me he said no. My own chiropractor couldn't believe it. It cost a few bucks for the film and I offered to pay for it. he said no I'll write you a referral. When I signed the house over we had a agreement that Greg will pay the deposits for me to move. I got there and realized that Greg did not pay the animal deposit. I'm outside of the apartments with the moving van and I had to sign over every last penny that I needed for groceries for the month. Also he didn't pay alimony or child support for four months while in the house. He lied and said two months. Then why was my house going to be repossess? I finally got paid through real Estate and I had to sign the whole thing over to get it out of Hawk. For my children. When I went to hand Greg papers in court, he nods his head forward and said just set it there I'll get it when I'm ready. he loved to do this shit in front of people. Their was absolutely no reason for this behavior at all. I walked away with nothing but monthly payments and I did not care.

Greg slept with a patient and charged her. After he told her she would be cute if she lost 25 pounds. She sued him because he was such and insufferable prick, so he showed up at her work and competitors adding to the rumors that she wasn't really pregnant from a boy friend before, which was proven in court that she was. I had the State calling me and others wanting a statement. I had already decided to step out because I wasn't going to take the father of my children down. he called me later and said that if I say anything I won't get any money from him once so ever. If I file with the state he will make sure every payment is late.

My children did some clerical work in the office and Greg was paying them here and there. Mary came in hired her two boys and my children were reduced in pay and turned into janitors. While her two sons got paid ten dollars an hour. Greg allowed Mary Stone to sit Alex down and chew her out for not conforming to Mary's way of thinking. It was so far out of line and bullying it wasn't even funny. He sat there pretending to do charts and Alex looked at her father and said your going to allow this and she exploded. You see Greg didn't want to deal with anything and if we didn't conform he guilt-ed us or handed us off to someone else.

Then the time he walked in the house and stole the computer I used for work. The mother board ruined and while my children were playing a game in the den, I was across the hall making dinner. My girls started screaming and freaking out because they had to see two people one with a huge fallic having oral sex. It was my fault for not supervising. Supervising something that I never even knew was on the computer in the first place. Then showing up and telling me he never even loved me. He only married me for the money because he thought I'd be rich someday. When I made dinner he wanted a salad every night. So I started buying bag o lettuce he would stand there and criticize me for wasting money on something I could do myself. To serve his King. Fuck him. I'm done. I don't care what he knows or doesn't know. His life is in God's hands not mine.

It made me think this morning on my way into town going to the bus how in Mexico they can come here and work for three years tax free and send there money home and buy a house and new car. It made me think of all the people crossing the boarder to have medical and babies and food stamps everything if they stay. When really I know Mexico is rich. You can't tell me they are a poor country. The people maybe but not the Government. It made me think how when we go to college in the State we pay a fortune here and people come here and get discounted fees and rent. Other countries have free education and some of the degrees from there don't cross over to here. So people who are highly educated have to start from nothing. You know what, I'm tired of cleaning up the messes of other countries. It's not the people so much as all these Government officials everywhere are creating suppression. They will either fix this mess or they can get the fuck out. I just don't care who goes down today. Including my Children's Father. As far as I am concerned he can go down. he can fight his own demons. I remember a story about what Greg saw when he had a high fever. I remember this well and I have learned just when and what people see in different dimensions. That boy is going to freak and it serves him right. To hell with him.

I got up this morning I walk outside and it's pouring down rain. I know I have about 6 loads to the trailer. It's not just my bedding and bags I load. The word Wendy vs. windy popped into my head. Who knows just maybe. I get back inside and I find out I have a chore. I normally don't mind but it starts to make me think. We have about fifteen to twenty women on any given night. Their are maybe 3 or four chores. Pretty much every morning I have a chore, so how is it that we have all these other women and I'd say 98 percent of the time I have a chore? They see me hauling other peoples stuff they know I'm pretty active. Remember I can I do. Then I got to thinking why do they always give it to me? The answer is because they know they don't have to worry and it will get done. They don't have a fuss with me like the other women who try to avoid or I just caught someone trying to sneak out. I looked at her and I said if you don't someone else will have to. That's not good. No one want's to clean up ther own shit. They don't care about there own side of the street. So what now when those two parent's up there decide what would they see? I was thinking the other day what would you carry on your back? If you had to leave everything behind and you can only take what you can carry what would it be? Pictures a family album? I have learned out here papers get heavy. torn. bent and lost. Things just disappear. Remember in this sheltered life I live everything is temporary. Nothing is guaranteed to be there if I leave something behind. Today the words popped in my head trust vs. trusting vs. actually having Faith that they got my back up stairs. Trusting that if I screw up somewhere down the line that it will set me back. I'm so tired of going back and searching. Searching for everything. Always a pocket or a hole. Did I leave a zipper open where did it go?

At Christmas I was given a purse. I liked it enough, but I don't carry purses and I don't need another bag to carry or worry about. However I like the Hyde. It's soft almost supple to the touch. I leave it anywhere and everywhere it could be a couple months and here someone comes handing it back to me. Kind of pisses me off. I like this bag but I don't want another bag to lose something else in. I take what is given and if I don't want it I give it back or donate it. Sorry if it's a lil back pack, yes. But other wise no thanks. Then last night I'm telling the women this is the one bag that no matter how hard I have tried it keeps coming back. When I stuck my hand in a shampoo bottle had come open. I thought yea! It's ruined I can toss it out without any guilt. Wouldn't ya know it, no damage. I remember dropping this on the ground when I'd climb over the seat to get out of the back of the van and it's still beautiful. Pissed me off. I just kept thinking inside if it comes back to you it's yours. I scream in my head God Dammit! I don't want another bag. Not now anyway's. I'm already the bag lady and they aren't even my bags. Enough with this baggage already. I don't want any of it anymore.

 I look at my boots, the ones I just got and they are already almost worn through. I had to ask myself how did my shoes that used to last so long get so wore out so fast? The answer was because I pound a lot of pavement a lot of miles in just one day. Maybe some day I'll be a lil Jack Hammer. Or maybe just maybe that Jack Hammer is my dad? Either way I'm covered. Hell I ain't dead yet. I'm posting stuff that should just shut this world down. Make it stop cold and all because no one want's anyone to see just who really is at the controls behind the curtain of your life. Everyone thinks I still have time. Nope! That's not true is a matter of fact. Look at that west coast line. Look at the Tornado's in the East. All this weather all the storms and sink holes. All these natural disasters and you just want to bury your head in the sand with your ass in the air. I understand, someday's I feel like that too. I know what they expect and I don't care anymore. All this natural disaster is to prepare us in a smaller way for what is coming on. Give you a chance to prepared. Like I'm thinking coffee presses and campfires for a few day's and as for the rest I have no idea when what comes back or when it comes back. Roads jammed with traffic and wrecks. Air traffic control out. Remember no power we go dark. Two day's two nights I remember screaming and writing this too. It's you ASS on the line then not mine. Can't say I didn't warn you. Every last person who knows inside, she's on to something here. NO NO WAY! She's crazy! Good luck with that but this lil RAM is right and I'm gonna have the last laugh. Remember two Joker's and a Diamond, who knew?

When I thought about me and my sister going through time together when this really hit me what we've been through. How deeply entwined we really are. She knows I'll never let her babies down and right now I would rather it be me instead of her. She has been through enough. Then I thought about someone telling me and my mother were together before in Paris during the war. I the male and her the female. I about zooked. I was so angry. I remember thinking I want her gone from my life. I'm not going to keep coming back and seeing that woman. I wanted her gone from me forever. I was told we parted friends. So then I thought, this really wasn't that long ago. That we left and came back down. That is a fast pass over. Then I remembered the soul mate thing. Is this what we do every lifetime? Find each other every time? Are you kidding me is that what soul mates do? Every lifetime we come back together? If that is the case looking back over all the lifetimes they have taken me through that's not enough time together. If we have to keep starting over here and there? Isn't our credit line over extended? When is enough enough? I don't feel the emotions now. Last nigh I thought of how much angrier and angrier I'd get every time I saw him. The last time when he sat near me I threw a plate in the dish bin. I wasn't very nice. Not nice at all is a matter of fact. I stormed out and didn't look back. The only time I looked back is when they showed me. Then they showed me later who he really was not just to me but to everyone. Everyone thinks it's some possession I have with him. Not even close. I only went back when I had to. The last time I was called back I said no.  After what I was told at work about him and Tami I didn't want another asshole anywhere near me. I wasn't happy the night I got woke up. I hadn't even consciously thought about him. I mean why would I anyway? My plate was full, I'm done with these pussy boys I now call brothers. Whiny lil spineless chicken shit bitches I like to say. Makes me think when Sean tried to visit me in my sleep. I did not tell him he could cross that line. You don't come into me with out asking permission. I learned something else about my gift with dogs. my lil side kicks. He said no one can get near you. I've never seen anything like it. Your dog's. You've got a pack of dogs, like I've never seen. No one can get near you. Now this I liked to remember hearing again. Just because you can it doesn't mean you should. Comes in to play here. Like when Greg tried to move back to the bed all four dogs attacked him. I noticed and I knew just who these four really belonged to. I'd love a dogie farm with lil fainting goats with lil fluffy pillows to fall on. If I know my girls we'd have a lot of fun with this.

If he is my Soul mate then I understand, why now I don't want to come back. That is why I want this fixed so I can hand over the baton. I'm not leaving my children with this mess anymore if this is the case. Look at our President's and Congress. It is suck a mess to walk into and since we can't seem to clean this shit up ourselves they are going to do it. For us to be together for forevermore. If this is what it is like every time with things just getting harder and harder and way more pain and confusion. Just look at the strong one's up there and all they have been through down here just so you can walk through a lifetime here again. So we can all have this planet forevermore. No! Not me. No way.

Makes me think of that chore list when all the work you do people just want you to keep doing it because it makes it easier on them. Everyone is so worried if they are going to get into heaven or be found out just who there true character is inside?  How do you think you look to them upstairs? The only future people think about is money. Prestige, they think with these two things, you are a good person? I mean they look good and successful on the outside? Must be awesome for him in heaven right? Oh so bassackwards. Like the storm of EMUSSA I feel coming on. It's about that evergreen tree this time. That is the money tree this time. My tree is the tree of life. My tree is the honey tree. No more bad apples and bad seeds in this families POD. They are gonna clean this shit out once and for all. This is one last battle, we're taking it down. I'm picking it apart. It's going to get rebuilt weather you like it or not. Quite frankly looking at this mess I see. All these race cards and boxes, rules and religion, women are less than and the men entitled. Your going to find out we don't serve each other. We are all on one team. Hey I never knew any of this but then again I am a quick study. Quite frankly I'm tired of this hard knocks life and hard knocks school. Has it always been so hard for me and my family every lifetime. I remember thinking why is everything so hard. After my divorce I could see myself walking down the street with a lil purse in the crook of my arm and seeing all these bombs going off. I knew these bombs didn't have anything to do with me. After awhile I hid and took cover.

I love Seattle and the four seasons. I didn't like not having it when I was away. My favorite thing out of everything is thunder and lightning. Those loud storms that shake the ground. I relax for some reason. My Favorite thing is a big window to watch it light up the sky, with a fire and a comfy couch and blanket. The last few I slept right through them. I'm locked inside anyways in this sheltered life I live. I want to be outside again. My mind went to where I wrote something to Alex that I would dance in the rain naked for you. Now I tried getting out of the truck, naked. I did not care. I knew I'd lose the physical fight they told me to get into. Then I think about the bigger picture and all they are putting together in my head. Piece by piece I see. It's not pretty, not at all. This where I hope for willing but I know they want action.  Sorry not feeling it. I lost that feeling, that passion a long time ago. When is enough enough?

The other thing that led me back to Google the other day was when I type in Google blogger it comes up under the highlighted paid sites. The ones highlighted on top are paid for. They bought that spot for advertising. Why would give up a key word such as this to a Government site? Who's hand is in who's cookie jar? Why the crossover right there again? You see even when I try to ignore a name, person place or thing they keep bringing me back around even when I don't want to know anymore. If my life is a bout a house of cards here and there then just give it a lil while if you have it. Am I bluffing? Am I a full house? Or am I still missing a few marbles to you? Something else for me to figure out here? I know my red white and blue belt I wear represent's this flag. I know it represents the O'Ryan's belt upstairs. I know where we got a few bad boy's and one bitch to take care of. Have I ruffled some feathers? Got your lil girl panties in a bunch? What is it/ Am I to much to handle? Your afraid? I'm tired of people dishing it out but not taking it back. That's what I'm sick of pointing the finger in the other direction always. I never wanted to look back through any of this. Not for one minute. I knew anything that happened to me as a child was not my responsibility. I mean I was three, six and eight years old. They made me see it so my children won't ever have to. They made me go back and DAMMIT, I'm not going to be the only one. I want my life back, I want my family, I want my home, I want my business to be mine again and not anyone else's. I want this book and all the others I have written on this path. I have written down three sections of it on line. It is still mine. The book I carry on my back is mine. Wouldn't this make a great seller? Wouldn't this be a great LOVE story? With a happy ending this time? I assure you if the woman isn't happy then neither is the man. Behind every great man is a good woman they say. Lately that has not been the case. We are dropping like flies and eroding away and drying up. We are hungry for everything but LOVE because it hasn't touched us in so long we don't even know what it feels like anymore. Hey look at me I can't even write but here I am. A trucker an server. One delivers the other serves it. What a correlation with upstairs. All right under your nose this went down and you didn't even know it. How cliche' of me a trucker and a server. I'm only going along because I know the end result whether I'm feeling it or not. I don't have a choice. I can't just walk away knowing what I know now. I don't get hind site or second chances, not anymore. Lets do this right, so others can too. Especially our children.

Walking back up here trying to focus on an hour of homework which I just despise right now. I didn't want to be in that classroom. I sat down frustrated on a cement wall this is a place i never do this at. After a few I looked around wondering what's so special about this spot? Why here of all places? I look down I'm sitting over a gas main. I hope that works out well for someone. I was thinking about the word oppression and it made me think If I had to feel like these women felt through the generations I have seen only I had to experience today so I can teach my children what to not do so they won't have to walk through it. Looking back that is a whole HELL of ALOT of oppression and tolerance built up over a long long time. I never really thought about oppression before or even realized what it felt like. I mean HELL I didn't know. Their is so many different kinds of oppression. No matter how much women of today try to step forward they feel like something bigger them is holding them down. I used to see inside my head like I was pulling this big heavy rope over my shoulder, and I felt like I was hardly moving. It was so heavy to pull it forward behind me. I guess like a slug trying to move faster. The only sweat I'm working up is more slime and more debri to trudge through. Is that why I said, I'd swim in a sea of sharks? Because so many people really don't like my point of view from down here at the bottom of this food chain. Is that why I ripped that choker cross off my neck and I said I don't care about this anymore? I'm done! Am I tired of carrying the burden of those lies. That label someone placed on Eve's head Oh so long ago. For the wrong kind of green? Is that why you traded in your mule horse for the wrong green stuff? Truth be told I was really to tired to fight I had no fight left in me, but so many lines I did not cross out of respect for someone else but I always knew one thing for certain things will somehow work out. It was a broad spectrum of faith to have but inside I knew one thing I answer to one God and ONE GOD only. He is the only one I answer to. My God MY Father don't make me bow down to anyman. Funny thing even I forgot about Mother. Mother Nature, Oh YES! She is the best part of the missing link you all forgot about. I always knew the spirit was a woman. Behind every good man is a woman. I never thought about Mother teresa or Mary's bloody tears and just who those tears really were for. The oppression through the generations. You know us women were getting there, but some serious lines have been crossed. For Oh so long now. I always thought about my Grandfather always making the girls wear skirts and act just so come in by a certain time. Not the boys. I knew inside that that did not go over very well. To be told to wear skirts yet told to lift that skirt. What a MOther Fucking Moron contradiction if I ever heard one. Talk about OXYMORON. To have your face pushed down in the bed and have your Daddy say lift your skirt. It's you job! You good for nothing worthless piece of shit. Your a loser you'll always be a loser. You picker will always be broken. There is your curse amongst all the confusion I see. To think my Grandaddy was good to me he protected me from her and kept me close when he is the one who broke her. He made her ride bare back in that rodeo. He broke her spirit. The Mother shattered the soul. The lines crossed right there. What did anyone expect was going to happen with that scenario?

Wow! It only got worse from there. Holy Shit! Who knew? Not me, no way I didn't see this coming. I should of known they wouldn't leave this one alone. I really didn't want to touch base on this. Right now I'm listening to Welcome to the Jungle by Gun's and Roses. It just a random song that came on. Wow it is amazing how my life even connects to the music I hear. I hear music really sets the mood. I could never fall asleep with the music on. No matter how quiet. The words just kept banging around in my head. It drove me nuts. I couldn't shut down. I've had a lot of living through a large amount of lifetimes in such a short time. Imagine not knowing this before you died? What all this shit this time around, REALLY is ALL About. Talk about feeling chained down. Held back. Like my Family still holds on to my collar. Is that my collar or my crooked Halo I see? Just who the FUCKS DAUGHTER DO YOU THINK I AM ANYWAYS? Funny when I typed think, it came up tink. Am I tinker bell or am I SATANS SPAWN? Come on you chicken shits, just point that finger my way, call me a demon out of your own fear. Take a look in your GOD DAMMED mirror and just who do you really see a looking back at you? Now I ask you again, what SIDE OF THE FUCKING FENCE DO YOU SIT ON ANYWAYS? SHIT or get off the pot anyways. You know what I heard about blocks anyways the ones that get in your way? The ones who hold you back? JUMP THE FUCK OFF THEM. STOMP THEM. WE DON'T WALK AROUND THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! WE STOMP THROUGH IT!!! I never liked the dog fights. The ones where you put the lil dog in the pillowcase and use them as bait. You close them in and sacrifice my lil dog's. You make my big dog's fight for money. You abuse, them you poison them you slice them you dice them you catch them on fire and throw them out with the trash when you ain't got any fight left to fight. Is that who I am to you? Just some lil dog? Is that what you think Greg that I'm just some dumb lil bitch? What did you think after all I've been through and sacrificed through the generations that they were gonna let you see me coming? Didn't expect this did you? You think my family isn't gonna call me in the ring after all this shit? I always heard it is okay to defend yourself. GOD DAMMIT when I say STOP! I mean FUCKING STOP!!!! You think they are going to send in the big boys right up front? FUCK NO!!! It's these BITCHES TURN TO FIGHT. Silly boy's thought it was about the brothers? Whats that I hear, NO FUCKING GIRLS ALLOWED IN YOUR HOUSE UNLESS THEY ARE ON THERE BACKS. This shit ain't going down missionary style. That is all I gotta say. THAT DEMON DOG MADE ME LICK HIS DIRTY ASS and he still couldn't nut me up the ass. He was just a lil man anyways, hardly felt a GOD DAMMED THING. FUCKING PUSSY anyway's. I have had to eat a lot of shit and a lot of crow. I even apologized to that man. My MR. X. Now I ask you ladies, would you want to sleep with your husband if he treated you this way? If he just went on for hours a pumping away stroking his ego all along. Funny thing is you oppress the woman you oppress the man. We are all connected weather you like it or not. Made me sick too. All the shit they put me through. All for what I ask? This? This Planet, that HEAVEN, the moon the stars. I want you to know one thing I heard it's about that SUN. No matter what you try to do, no matter what you say. You can't take out the SON. Took me awhile to grasp that concept. Just what that really means? I think I'd call this day D DAY. It's going to be a real BIG D DAY I SEE A COMING DOWN THAT PIKE AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING YOU CAN DO. D DAY is coming upon us. Their ain't nothing I can do about it and quite frankly after what I've seen I don't want too slow it down. BRING DOWN THE LIGHTNING, BRING DOWN THE THUNDER. I decided I like that RING OF FIRE AFTER ALL. You know what else, I never pictured the kingdom, not one time. I only saw the MAN. I only saw HIS MARKINGS. I CANT WAIT FOR THAT HEAVEN SCENT. He just need's LOVE DADDY!!! Oh DADDY that's all he needs. Can I keep him? PURDY PLEASE DADDY!!!!LET ME OFF THIS LEASH, LET ME OFF THIS CHAIN. I knew from the beginning I was here to PROTECT!!!NOW I ASK YOU WHAT GOD DO YOU FIGHT FOR????WHAT GOD DO YOU SERVE?????JUST WHO THE FUCKS DAUGHTER DO YOU THINK I AM ANYWAYS?

03/08/2016
New day new emotions. Hey what can I say I am a roller coaster ride of emotions. I love Roller Coasters and the scary rides. They throw you around and turn you upside down and make butterflies a dance in my stomach. Been a long time since I had butterflies in my tummy. Good Times. God I hate these computer mouses. Got to the library today and the computer I reserved was shut down. Becuase I had to wait on the system vs. the registration it got me a lil behind. I don't like that. Not one DAMN bit. I'm tired of these old keyboards with keys that don't work right. It's seems to me all these community services are a lil slow. I'm tired of the mouses that just don't click. I was listening last night to ACDC. Been a long time for me. Those Hells Bells a pumping through my veins making me angry yet driven inside. Some day's I just don't give a fuck anymore.

I don't know if I typed this yesterday but I rewrote it down today to remember; Road to success is paved with failures. you know what failures are. Lessons in what doesn't work for you. Been there done that kind of shit. Are you determined today? Are you motivated? Are you ready to walk through the storm? What drives you today? What keeps you moving forward and keeps you getting back up? What is it you look forward to everyday? What is your passion? Now ask yourself this who in the hell do you serve? Which Lord, which King, which God do your represent today.

To Thine Own Self Be True. This does not mean be selfish. What do you value? Who do you Value today? Who do you cherish? Who do you hold up high? This morning I was feeling real compassionate but sometimes this music drives me. It pisses me off today that irony, normally I LOVE irony but at times my patience are just gone. Who in the Hell said patience is a virtue anyway? Who said this because I'm here to tell you I'm only human so here it goes. I sit in a classroom with homework to listen to shit I already know? I found out I hate siting in a classroom. I can;t sit still, my right leg is shaking like it used to in school. I used to do this keep moving so I can focus on the teachers words. First grade I sat on a pillow, they said I had a bony but those chairs must be uncomfortable. The biggest discomfort I remember is Mrs. Gates. She would dig her nails in my skull and neck and grab me buy the hair and bounce me up and down in a chair. She didn't like that was so wiggly. Truth be told I didn't like Mrs. Gates. Old School, old HAG. Rainier Oregon with that bitch. Yeah looking back my family started me out young for my destiny, my true calling, my path. I WALK A FINE LINE.

Standing at the bus stop this morning I looked up and saw number four and I realized this is where I bowed down. I bowed down in my warrior prayer stance. I sat there as I cried as they showed me the pictures of the bad times. Another broken heart. I was getting bestowed the blessings of my family life. My family took a negative and turned it into a positive. They turned my broken heart into a beautiful broken heart. They give me the gift of knowledge. They bestow on me the gift of life. Look I still can't get a job because of a identity that someone else placed on me or it isn't even true. These programs to help you get a leg up are all about the numbers. Everything is a numbers game. Looking back and even on this journey in this DSHS hell, it's a numbers game. I have had the worst luck. I am the most capable person in that blue house, the best shape of anyone, The most driven and I can't get in front of anyone. It's this stigma, that homeless stigma. Quite the Enigma I know. Kind of liking my word association today. I learned a new word today, it was dogmatic. Dogmatic, someone who wants to impose their will on me. They are judgmental and opinionated people. They live and think inside that box. Basically I say, you live in that box you die in that box. Only in happiness do you experience more. More open doors, more opportunities in life. Are you WILLING to be happy? Being willing is a first step to learning just what THY WILL really means. Only when you truly open your eyes to all the good, bad and ugly can you see the true beauty in HIS big plan. The beauty in those crazy nuts. If your not happy you get stuck in a rut? DO you know what ruts are? Things that hold you down, make it so you can't move. They instill a lot of fear in the word RUT.

Where do you stand in Adversity? Do you work for it? When you work for something you know what you have. Hey you worked hard for it Cherish what you worked for. Cherish that food. We don't teach our children to work for something. We just hand it over. If teach our children the wuality of good work then they learn the quality way of life. When your child knows where something came from and how it came to be then they can appreciate the work that went into it. Know more caning our children and wives to our way of thinking. Get your hands dirty, it's your child. Feed them good nutriment, get there nose out of a computer and kick them outside. I'm talking about balance. your child has to know what ugly is someday so when they stand in adversity they know where they stand. Not to bow down and cower, but to use your words not to tear down to lift and aspire.

A woman in my class Jaclyn has a tattoo, it said Face the sun and the shadow will fall behind you. She also said, if you have dirty dishes you have food. I loved that one. The Power within you it just is. It EMULATES.

This came into my head today. If your character is made up of material things, that is your makeup your mask. Material things can be taken away and disappear. Then who are you? People always want what you have even if you have very little. Human nature lately, I guess. It can turn into something like Spite, Envy, and Jealously. Then with people like this out of fear of that mask coming off, they get vengeful and vindictive behaviors. I don't want to be around anything like that. When I analyzed my relationship with women, I heard the word jealousy. I thought jealous of what?

I grabbed a copy of this one today. Let a man radically alter his thoughts, and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life. Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot. It rapidly crystallizes in to habit and circumstance. I've been saying that all along. you can't hide from them, not in a shelter or underground. They see you. They see everything. Then the last two lines. Poison' grows. Like becomes like. You will just be a empty shell. Empty shells stand alone. They have no life. You can stand alone in a room full of people and still be lonely. What do you carry inside you? Who do you carry inside you? Are your actions and words emulating that?

Men and women are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. Change comes from within. Not outside. They blame others in the eye of Adversity. Stand outside the box and analyze the patterns in your life, and the words. Instead of changing them, change you. If they keep triggering old behaviors. Walk away until you are stronger inside. Strong enough to break it down and figure it out. What sets you off and triggers you in this life. Don't avoid your triggers rise above it. Walk through it. Better than things getting worse wouldn't you say?

One other thing. We do not sleep with our livestock. We do not cuddle we do not cuddle. We might be the top of the food chain but we don't abuse our animals. Rape is rape it's not okay. If you want to be at the top of the food chain, then represent that. We do not chain up our animals in the hot sun with no food and water, no shade. If you can't bring that animal inside, like dog's. If you can't bring them in and make them a part of your family. Then you have no business having a dog. you aren't worthy of owning anything that lives. If that is the kind of domination you want in life then you can go to hell. If you have no heart or compassion then get a stuffed animal. If you can't feed it and love it and respect it and honor it for the value that it adds to your life, then you are a cold hearted bastard and I don't want you around. You know who you are. This isn't everyone I know. I used to be called the dog lady. I didn't mind not one damn bit. My friends brought their dogs over and I dog sat alot.

Some words have popped up lately. For instance the word ain't. It's not normally one of my words to use. I really only use that when I'm feeling cocky. Some day's I feel a lil cocky and well others I get pretty big cocky. To be cocky is to be confident. I've had some confidence, A whole hell of allot of confidence I would say. Confident of the outcome. That's a hell of a lot of Faith. Never really thought about it that way. What can I say I'm a pretty deep thinker. This lil Tinker Bell has a pretty big set of balls. Having the answers in this lifetime has relieved some pressure. I mean that is my goal. To lighten that load. That Load of horse shit you've been fed. Sorry to say but these walls are coming down. I'm feeling pretty good about that. Have to say I'm feeling pretty cocky today. It made think about that word ain't and let's correlate. Let's figure this one out here. I know I said "It's like I can smell the taint in the meat. It just makes me sick. I'd have to say my family doesn't let my mind wonder without showing me something. About that word again. You know like I said, I put it all out there all me emotions. I say what I think and think what I say. I guess you can say when I'm felling cocky, pretty sure about myself. When I say ain't, I'm taken the poison out of taint. I'd been writing that way for a pretty long time. Who know's how long ago. Who know's maybe I am from the South After all? Have to wait and see just how far South I'm willing to go with this. You'll just have to wait and see what happens with that.

Then it got to me thinking about those seven's that keep popping up. You know there are a whole lot of 7's I see. For instance what about those Seven Dwarfs? You know those lil worker bee's I see? That lil red apple story I see. You know I alway's thought my sister and my mother had witchy noses. I'm kind of thinking there might be some truth to that. Let's turn that around just a lil bit. Not to hard to turn these seven dwarfs around to my benefit. You know something I could use. I lil nip here alil tuck there. A lil dash of that. That's the thing about my family, I never know what it is there cooking up. Lets see how this works out. How about we try this one on for size....Let's make that Seven Deadly Sin's. What you think my MOTHER isn't coming down on all this bad behavior? It's out there, it's in writing. Did you know seven deadly sins come in all shapes and sizes. They might look cute and sweet on the outside, better watch that ring of fire. Fire can Heal and Comfort, but this fire BITES. Now how would you feel if someone tried to poison your children? Just who the FUCK DO YOU WANT BEHIND YOUR BACK? If I'm the lightning, who the FUCK DO YOU THINK the THUNDER is? Come on you know what I'm a talking about? That fist that great big FUCKIN ROCK! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

I learned something else in class today, well more like something I saw. People think I don't notice something but truly I do. I see a lot. A whole Hell OF A LOT. The instructor randomly hung pictures on the wall. The first was a triangle, The second a square. The third a circle. The fourth a rectangle. Then a squiggly line. In my head I heard trinity, four square, circle of life, but why the rectangle. Why is it so big? Now I know I said a four square both sides. Oh yeah that is why? I see it now. We're talking trinity on the floor with another BIG Daddy I see. Oh yeah that squiggly line I see, well that is the serpent I see. NOW! I ask you again just what side of the fence do you stand on? The way I see it, I've dealt with a few snakes. Don't particularly like them but somehow those snake eyes they seem so familiar. Now I ask you this. YOU WANNA DANCE WITH ME NOW? I've worn a lot of hats in my life time. I remembered something else I said to Greg. I didn't say rat in the grass. I said rat in the dark. He said snake in the grass.
I've been adding up a few things in this numbers game. I've got two open doorways on that land. I've got four. I count four. The dishwasher, the maintenance man, Fallen Angel playing on the wrong team I heard. Now what about this Patty? he want's to make her his bride, his bitch. He ain't the only one that's going to be giving it to her. But what about that dark tribe I SEE. Are the other FALLEN ANGELS I SEE. Let's not forget I opened another door. Well actually it was more than one. That day in the bathroom where sat on the shelf, one shiny red apple. I opened many doors that day to . Three oh Three King Street Station. Do you really think God didn't plan his own Fallen Angel that may of fell from your GRACE but not HIS GOD DAMNED GOOD GRACES. No never that.

I thought about the word LION then it hit me LOIN. The way I SEE it there is allot of LOINS that I SEE. We got the tenderloin. The pork tenderloin and it makes me wonder do lambs have loins? FIRE OF MY LOINS. That is what I see a coming inside of me. I SEE THE FIRE A BURNING INSIDE OF ME. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE. A COMING UP THE REAR. There are four elements here. For right now let's focus on just the two. FIRE AND WATER after the storm. Let's see who's cleaning up who's mess now? This ones tired of cleaning up the mess. The way I see it, messes are a two way street. FOUR ELEMENTS, EARTH, WIND, FIRE and WATER. Which one do you represent?

Now come on you don't really think God isn't going to throw HIS SON in the ring if he hasn't had a few go around's in past lives and even right down here? You think God wouldn't throw His Son in the ring if he hasn't played a few rounds of ball in this lifetime? I'll bet you he's even played a few hands of cards in his life time. Now for me I don't like board games they are pretty boring to me. Card's I learned Solitaire from my grandpa, then later on sequence. I changed the rules however. The first to go out got three sequences then right on down the line. That might not be what the directions said. But as long as your playing by the same rules, then it's a fair game. First time I played poker, I played with Jim and Haley and wouldn't ya know it? I didn't have a clue what I had in my hand but I'd drop my cards, and BINGO! I won again. I went to play golf with Jim and I'd never played before and I got a hole in one. I'm not shitting you! Now just to be clear I shot from the women's line, but not to bad for someone who's never played before. Jim still wouldn't let me play with him and his friends. His bosses wife could, but not me. They wouldn't let me play. So when I finally got to play, afterwards Jim said she's been taking lessons for a year and you to were neck to neck. I still never got to play again. Spineless weasel anyway's. Who's say's your wife can't play a game anyway?

These lessons in my life might have taken me awhile to figure out. Hey you try being told just who you are and process that? I guess it's how I compartmentalize and then go back and pull a file later on. Maybe I am a human computer after all. Cuz ya know I've been through allot of transformations just this last year. With every month I seem to transform. Not only in appearance but on the inside too. I remember before this started I had this weird growth under my tongue. It wasn't gross just a weird feeling and it looked like a bird tongue. I kept looking at that and I thought it was in my imagination. Then my second toe on my right foot starts burning and hurting on the tip. That tongue is back and so is the discomfort in my toe.  I can't wait to find out just what my true nature is? What is my animal? I thought it was pretty funny when I saw that couple who found a pair of purple pearls. They said, not worth any money. No maybe not but those sure meant allot to me. Even if I only get to see it it's good enough for me. My mind goes back when someone said that's not the Colleen, I know. I kinda like it that way. Hey there are still days when even I say who knew? Not me, never. My imagination isn't that big and well hell bells, I'm just not this creative. Hell I couldn't make up something I didn't know about. But hey! Who's gonna have the last laugh?

03/09/2016

Going through my homework or trying to anyway. I hate homework, but this one was pretty interesting. Cognitive Psychology, memory, attention,memory decision making and problem solving. The psychoanalytical perspective, Childhood experience and the unconscious mind. Perspective of personality hidden in the unconscious mind get's revealed through dreams, free association and slips of the tongue. Sound familiar?
Then my favorite discovery this morning was the Anima. Which is the feminine image inside a man. Animus the male image in side a woman. This is the good part it equals true self. Syzygy or the divine couple. Wow! This just keeps popping up. Who knows what else I will learn about myself today. Then it went in to Origins of Archetypes. You know there are times I like this class. Today I got up at 4:30 rolled some cigs in the restroom and got everything rotated and organized, loaded the trailer, cleaned the bathroom. Then we hurry up and wait out in the rain until seven when the door opens to let us in. Yes it is a Homeless Boot Camp I live in out here. The other night I was goofing around. I had bags in both arms and I was holding my arms straight out and lifting the bags up and down like a weightlifter. Damn these bags get heavy. When this is done I don't want to see another bag.

You know me and these servers just aren't getting along lately. I just have the worst luck. I get ready to log into #207 and it just loading and loading. Spinning in circles. Lat time this happened I was told to unplug it to reset it and then the server shuts down. For anyone trying to log on and for any one wanting to print a job. Me and these Mother Fucking SERVERS are really pissing me off. I do what I am supposed to do and the Fucker SHUTS DOWN. We rely to heavy on all this technology. It causes all this undue stress and you don't even realize it.

Made me think about games. I haven't played a sport in a long time. Isn't hunting a sport ya know? There is a way to hunt somebody down.  All sorts of ways to hunt out here. I've learned to track and keep track. I've always categorized. Analyzed and adjusted myself pretty well through any situation. You know I'm not diagnosing these women I'm just discovering the underlying personalities hidden in this Mother Nature classroom I've been placed in. I'm watching it go down right before my eyes. I pay attention to interactions vs. re-actions. I can pretty much call a play in this house. I take what I learn each day and I apply it to myself. I pull it all together and I run with it. You know what popped in my head today. Arrogance vs. Cockiness. I'm not arrogant, but I admit I'm pretty cocky. I get my cockiness not from arrogance, but FAITH. Something I have learned about my self lately. I hate walking beside someone. It drives me crazy it drives me nuts. Keeping track of someone who is always dragging along behind you. Out here, I'm on a mission. I got places to be and people to see out here and as I walk along or hop a bus that is when they talk to me the most. Someday's whatever they say drives me harder to get to the next step. What if your life work was stolen from you? What if the Father didn't pass a test? A really big test? What would you do if something really bad was coming down on your children's heads? What if you were the Mother and the Father won't listen to anything I've said? He has so much fear he won't even get in front of me. Alone at that. Chicken shit needs back up? I guess I had the unrealistic expectation of thinking my partner was once my best friend? That he would have my back? Unconditionally LOVE me enough to give me the respect that I know just what I'm talking about? He won't go back he wont remember. He's just not very willing to look back and remember the very best part of me and who I really am to him. Who I once was a long time ago. He once said he married me for my fire. Why won't he see my fire is back? My passion, my drive. My motivation in this life is my children. I have one goal in this life. To bring on the WRATH of those seven deadly sins. The thing about me is no one has noticed me or just who I really am. They only see me in one dimension. They don't see the whole picture. The bigger picture I see. My other Goal is to feed my children for the rest of their lives. To give them nourishment from the son and milk from the earth. I want my family back together. All in one piece. I want to make it a peaceful and a warm place again. I guess you can say I want to nourish this life. I want to be the nectar in that fruit tree of life. I want to be the sweet pea flower again. Wouldn't it be great if life could be a vacation again? Do I sound relevant to anyone? Does anyone understand just what I'm talking about? Is this planet relevant to HIS WIFE? Am I relevant to HIM and HIS CHILDREN? First they IGNORE, then they LAUGH, and then they FIGHT you. Then you win. Gandhi. When I first meet someone. I stand on even ground. I don't stand above them or I don't stand below them. I repeat I stand on even ground. In the very beginning I buried a few things here and there. I called for my ROCK, I sounded the SIREN. I called out for ONE EYE, I called out for Warrior number ONE. I washed THIS, I washed THAT. I have noticed that every brother I ever had has walked me to a certain point for me to see and experience something. Every brother only takes me so far and they disappear. Now if I'm watching you. Just who is my WATCHER now? They have shown me I not only had a watcher up there but they have placed a brother in my path down here. They always let me know I had a brother close by a watching me. A knowing just what I need. Now I got a job to do. What job do you think I'm talking about? Being a server I've had to ,earn to navigate, to get to point A to B in the shortest amount of time. With the biggest load I can carry and still have to dodge traffic that can make me drop my load. My goal was to get it there all in one piece, yet the most efficient in some quality control. Take some pretty good time management I'd say? When you have a job like that you learn to be pretty flexible on the inside as well as the outside. Got to endure a lot of shit, to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Now I like to go n adventures and have a good time. But to tell you the truth some blessings get really old. These women have stood against adversity long enough. It might of made them stronger, but truly it's time to let these women off the hook. It's time to let them off the chain. The chain that binds them and holds them down.  Time to get rid of some bad apples and talk about those cherry trees I see. Nothing pisses me off more than when my cherry falls off my butt. It's to risky, things burn and catch fire. Today my instructor hung going downwards a square, a squiggly snake, a rectangle, then a circle and a triangle. Hey someday's I'm just along for the ride. Now I don't take peoples lives lightly. I don't take it as a joke. Some day's I just like pushing the envelope or shall I call it poking the bear? With my great big stick. That lightning rod that is my families staff.  Thing's have been off balance for a long time coming. What can I say "All's fair in the game of LOVE and WAR. Especially this wild card. Who do you want behind you when this goes down? Those four Horsemen? His Four Horsemen? Or that Fallen Angel and his tribe. I heard 1/3rd down for the count. Just learned that a few weeks ago. You know these women may not be witches, but they sure act pretty witchy. My family always has something up there sleeve.

I used to play a game with Alex. This one stuck everything in her mouth. So instead of freaking out and chasing her down running the risk of her choking. I made it into a game. We called this game See Food. Whenever she had something in her mouth she wasn't supposed to have I'd say SEE FOOD! Greg and her loved this Game. She looked like a lil fish. A lil guppy. No we didn't play this game at the dinner table to often. Unless Greg wanted to show this latest trick off. Then came Kiley. Now Kiley wasn't to bad. By the time she came along she followed her sister. Alex was two so she was out of this game. Just a natural process of following in your older sisters footsteps. This is Kiley's favorite story. It really was one of mine too. Kiley was more passive and she wasn't aggressive, but she got her point across. Sometimes having a older ADHD sister can get pretty old when your ready to take it easy and shut down. Our house was a long L shape so I wasn't always in the room or on the same end. I kept finding the yellow broom on the floor in the family room. After a couple of times I thought to myself "Is this really happening again?" It just seems to show up when there is no one around. I walked in the kitchen and I see the back of Kiley in her red and blue overalls. Walking with her thumb in her mouth dragging it behind her. I followed behind and waited around the wall. I watch Kiley she was tops 18 months old. She set the broom on the couch climbed up. She positioned the broom between the cushions and she held the handle in her right hand. In her mouth was her left thumb. This was how Kiley watched TV sometimes. I waited and watched and whenever Alex came near Kiley. Kiley would look at her and swing her arm left or right depending which side Alex was on and she'd whack her. Alex would walk away and go and sit down. Like it was nothing. No big deal. Kiley always thought I didn't notice, but I noticed alright. Like I noticed the picture of her leaning off a mountain with the sky behind her as a bird sat in her hand. This one is so hard headed, that I saw everything. Even when I wasn't around. I heard every word before she was born. She told me that day. Mom I promise!  I promise mom! I'll be easy, I won't make a fuss. Oh my heart broke that she already felt how tired I was and she was already worried about me. She hadn't even come into the world. And She worried about me. Now when I do my best to tell her as gently as I can that that conversation was the Key. That she holds the cards this time. I can't get her dad to listen to the significance of my last words and just what they mean. Please listen to all those crazy text and words. Please, here me out.That I really do know what I'm talking about on this one. I just figured out some more numbers. Kiley was born at 10:33 a.m. and Alex was born at 3:16 p.m. My Great grandmother showed up in my room at 3:16 a.m. I heard that was the hour of the dead. Now I wondered who's death and final destiny are we talking about here? Is that my time to shine? Is that the hour we throw down? Is that when it's lights out for them and lights on for me? I know either way this goes down something is gonna light up the sky. I agreed to take on the Thunder Bolt. So Either way this goes down something is gonna light up the sky. I told my daughter before she was born. I can hold out. I told her her a few conversations ago for you baby girl. I can shine. I can't remember my exact words. I said all that Pink is Alex and that pink moon I see. This one has been thrown in the ring a few times. I might of not liked the way it happened, and on top of all I've said to her, she's gonna show her strength when this goes down.. She's gonna find out just how connected we truly are across these nations, she will stand. I told Kiley she was my red. The red was for her. Without her we have no Sun. She is the light. She is the light of the next generation. She will be a pioneer and leader. I know this to be true down deep. I've been keeping my eye on her all along and she doesn't even know it.  Now I don't know if the red is my blood to that family upstairs. I don't have to wear a red t-shirt to represent this one. I know what color my blood really is. I know what family line I come from. I don't need red-roses or someone to open my door. I haven't the patience. I like to do things myself. I don't need to be cottled and babied. I hate that baby shit anyway. I don't like to be served, I'd rather do it myself anyways.

I decided to post videos of the journey and what I knew of so far. Some part's make me cry. Actually most of it does. To tell you the truth even though I have shed a lot of tears on this journey. I think it was the first time I spoke about it. No interruptions of someone else blocking me with they're own fear. It took a few days. Plus a whole heck of a lot of interruptions. I sat in a friends car. No where out here to be alone. Some of it I repeated and as I have progressed through this journey. I have noticed some changes in me. Looking at the video's I think it is the first time I cried in an awareness of how I felt. When I prayed at rocks and cried with my hands in the air. It wasn't about any situation it was all about the emotions. I went out to have a smoke and the cherry fell of my butt again. After a few minutes I realized my hair was smoking. Maybe when this goes down with me feeling fire all around, the power, the thunder, the lightning and electricity lighting up the sky, I was thinking I might want to pull my hair up. If I have enough time that is. Remember I'm not sure when. I don't hit send. They know the sequence of events, not me. I don't see somethings until after. Again that's what FAITH really means to know who your true family is. It's kind of nice knowing just where I'm from. They aren't going to put me through this LIFETIME of living in someone else's purgatory, and make me walk through this HELLASHISH LIFE, I have lived for nothing. GOD DAMNIT! This downloaded server life sure is slow moving. I still got tomorrow to finish copying those files. Who knows maybe, I'll post it on UTUBE. It's not about money for me. It's about life.  Blue October: HATE ME. It's been a long time. The lies that the bottle tells you about yourself. Way down inside myself. I was never suicidal, but somehow when I heard this song a few years ago. It just somehow made sense. Hey what can I say, some people hate me, some people get me, some people understand just what a emotional roller coaster ride this journey can be. Hey if your not hurting, your not healing. Pain is an emotion that sits in everything. Inside of us. It sits in our, heads, our bodies, our spirits and our souls. Pain hold's you down. Then you get anxiety about the fear of the pain. From there it just grows and grows.

I JUST CHANGED THE NAME OF THIS BLOG FROM POISONOUSFRUIT101.COM TO POISONOUSFRUIT101

03/10/2016

Sat in class again this morning. The other night my homework was on self awareness. I thought to myself, really? How do I explain this one? Well I've been on a journey where my family has made it very clear to me, in letting me know just who the HELL I AM. I had know idea just what my topic is going to be on today about self awareness. Just to let you know right up front I'm going to push the envelope here. I'm going to push button's. I'm going to really piss you off. Maybe this is what my family meant by stepping into THE RING OF FIRE. You know push the boundaries, I'm goingto cross lines and I'm going to break rules. Well not my rules. You will need that mirror again.

EGO
If I just removed EGO from the bibles why the fear inside? You know their is a whole bunch of EGO in so many ways I see. How about the first one, man is greater and more superior than woman? When has this one applied to your life today? Your spouse, your significant other, your son your daughter, you sister, your niece, your boss, your co-workers, your friends, or how about the ones who serve us everyday in this life? The ones who work with the public. How do you treat them? What do you show your child when you represent yourself? Now ask yourself this one after you remove that part of the mask that part of the fear, who do you see now? Do you like who you see? Is that so bad? To look in your heart and analyze who you are on the outside compared to who you really are on the inside. Is this having a positive effect on your with that mask? Is it working out for you? Wouldn't it be easier to let that go. This one is a big one. It might take awhile to feel this one. Feel it and let what ever you feel wash  through you. Maybe this isn't your ego.

We have the EGO of incomes, classes and races. We have EGO over cultures. A little side note here. People who use your culture or any of this as a excuse for bad behavior is not okay by any means. Every culture has a set of manners and guidelines. Something good about you and who you represent. I'd get on board and look at your self on this one. I see a whole lot of bad behavior that is so rude and disrespectful to each other it is out of control. How about this for EGO: Your in a car and someone is crossing the street, in the crosswalk or not. I see the same people get impatient and bully people with there cars. Then I see the same people using the crosswalk and someone honks there horn and he turns and goes off he hits the car. I see a whole lot of entitlement in this scenario. Just with the crosswalk example apply this to life. Your life, your religion, your income, your class, your culture, Does any of this give you the entitlement to be rude to someone else? These are the things they look at upstairs. I even said you don't have to believe in GOD. What is in your heart is truly what matters. to  them. I'm just trying to lighten your load. I'm not asking you to look at the world yet or anyone else. Just you. Remember change starts on the inside. If you can't self asses yourself with a critical truthful eye, then how do you think others see you? Can't point that finger until you start with yourself. It's called living and being who you are with out all the guilt and shame in your own behavior. How did your actions make someone feel? Did you tear them down, humiliate or belittle them? Some times it's best to walk away and self assess. That is courage. Finding who you are takes courage. Being who you are takes courage.

The second one is huge. LOVE turns into EVOL. Judging who and how we love. This one is Satan all the way. All that guilt and shame we placed on someone else all under the guise of God's Rules. If they don't care upstairs then why in the HELL do you care downstairs? What has been your role in this one?  This one was never anyone's right. Not for one GOD DAMN minute. If that were so then half of the planet would be sitting in HELL. Once you go to HELL this last time. Their isn't going to be any coming back. This door is closing once and for all. Do you really think GOD and THE HOLY MOTHER ever let man make this choice for they're own children? Even your children's children do not belong to you. They aren't yours to judge and abuse anymore. Now ask yourself about this one when you look in the mirror? Who do you see and who do you want to see? Would that be so glad to let this one go. It doesn't mean we can't have children together, a family is your's. This started with one man and one woman, I get that. Look around you at all those orphans who need a home. Or need to get out of the homes that are abusing and neglecting all for a check? Our children we feed. What do you feed your children? Their is so much sexual confusion right now. People are so hungry to eat or for love or a warm bed that they are crossing lines they don't want to cross. This is not for you to JUDGE, it's not your journey into exploration and acceptance of themselves. No one get's to decide this. You don't always see the bigger picture. Most of you only see thinks one dimensional.

EVOL molesting our children and using you just want to LOVE them as a excuse. We do not search out sexual LOVE and DESIRE FROM OUR CHILDREN in any way. We educate them and protect them. We guide them and if we can understand this is t okay, then stop doing it. So the next generation can have a chance in this life. This has gotten really out of hand. When this is over this will be no more or a severe penalty. I'm under the impression this will work out after this is over. Most of these abusers were abused from the start either sexually emotionally or physically. After that they are made to feel guilt and shame for being broken for a burden someone else placed on them.

EVOL in parenthood. Having children to hold onto someone else is so wrong it's not even funny. If you have to do this then you don't know what love is yourself or who you are yet and you damn well don't have any business having children. Right now we have teen's and adults doing this and we don't even have the means to feed them. This is another example of having children and expecting our children to feed us that LOVE. We feed them LOVE. Right now we have a epidemic on this and if we can take some responsibility for how it came to be this way, by being aware of our intent and actions this can turn around. Now ask yourself how has your behavior on this impacted someone else's life? How did it come to be in the first place? How did it happen in your family if it happened? What are you now and how do you want to turn this around? Love yourself then that LOVE can grow in your children.

EVOL in the labor our children do for us for money and the placing them in war zones with bombs or making them pack mules or making them pass the drugs so it doesn't go on your record? That is just wrong all the way around. Placing your burdens on your child. That is some pretty low self worth we just placed on a child?

EVOL in sex. In all this rape. It made me angry when the laws placed just what rape consisted of rape according to age is wrong. Any entry in that lil body is wrong. Our blase behavior about rape is wrong. In the military or anywhere. We have boy's raping girls and not think twice because of entitlement and the attitude that she is less than. Who gave them this idea anyway? No man has the right to man handle any woman just because he wants it and he is going to take it. That goes for women who do the same.

I took care of MAN does not LIE with MAN. Fixed that. It just meant in EVIL or EVOL. That is all, just a prediction. We will see how this one works out. That is coming to head very soon. Now ask yourself this when that day comes to look GOD in the EYE or HIS SON or HIS WIFE or HIS DAUGHTER, what do you want the answer to be when you go to enter those pearly gates? Squish an empty can of pop and it collapses, squish a full can and well it's a lot stronger. Fill yourself up. Who's warrior are you anyways?

I have seen a connection in the faces of people and I noticed how people that look like each other even with different colors of skin they are your brother and sisters from another place and time. Some of us are the Indigo children who keep coming back with different gifts that we were told bad. We have Indigo Children in all walks of life and cultures. I see how we connect when I see the animal inside you. Some of our ailments represent the burdens we carry even in the names. I noticed that people with the same names really do represent each other and how we impact each other. This Washington and West Coast line represents someone else. Their are so many cultures here. I always like Washington because we rain. That makes us green. That replenishes our planet and feeds it. This planet is our food people. Anything that we have pulled together on and turned it into mass production it is disappearing. We are counting on somehow getting to live somewhere else. Nope not gonna happen. The timeline of our resources are running out and won't even last until that comes to be.

We have become a society of relying so heavily on technology that without it everything shuts down. Where are you going to be then? We can't even reach a customer agent rep anymore. If a customer has a complaint 9 times out of ten now the customer walks away more frustrated than before. We have become a society of all this information gathering and tracking all for the benefit of better service. Bullshit! We just keep reinventing the wheel with all this garbage and we are still losing our natural resources? We are forcing our children to be more like computers than humans. We are placing standards on them based on someone else's idea of what we need to be to keep up with each other. Our homeless are disappearing and slipping through the cracks. Out here I see a lot of people who represents others I know and it just keeps growing and growing from there. What we do here affects the other Nations. What do you want our Nation to be? Who does our Nation Represent? What do we stand for under this flag. Freedom, free to choose, freedom to speech. Freedom to defend and protect our children when this goes down. You want freedom for our future planet and children then look in the mirror. Ask yourself do you want your family traditions back? Do you want your family back? Do you want to fell God's and the Holy Mothers LOVE again? Just have a good heart and good morals. When you have this you won't care to judge and when we don't carry judgement we don't carry the burdens the guilt and shame sitting in a box that someone else put you in for generations back.

Whether you believe in Heaven or not, do you like this planet? Even if you believe it is only a one time thing ask yourself what if I can come back and do this again without all this suppression and barriers? I Don't know about you but I don't want to see this. I'll be DAMNED if I'm letting someone else take it down. If this is my home then I'll be DAMNED if this is going to happen. If you want out of this life then break open that box you sit in. As long as you represent your family upstairs you have a path to enlightenment. Are you willing to hurt for your FATHER? What burdens did your parents carry and what did you pass on? What is you excuse going to be come JUDGEMENT DAY? How are you going to explain your behavior? How are you going to explain it when you had the chance and you didn't take it? Because of FEAR.

This is all SATAN"S work, I assure you. CAN you RISE ABOVE him? Who do you carry inside you? I'm not judging I'm just asking. Some food for thought you might say.

By the way my name is Colleen L. Mulligan, I'm still posting those videos. I have four downloaded so far. I think I have five more to go. That was only just part of what I knew before this. I don't know how much longer for me. Word got back to me that someone was overheard asking, if she was here? Do you see her? I'm still here. I hide in plain sight and I'm always being watched. You watch me they watch you. I'll see what they want me to see when the time comes. I'm always right where I am supposed to be.

Thought it was interesting how when I typed something up about about putting the small dogs in pillowcases I originally wrote suitcases. Made me think of the women I met who was here to identify a body in a suitcase.The victims name was Wendy. I'm wondering if they somehow represent each other? This cause and effect shit I see. When I went outside to light up a cig, they said something, oppression. That with the women being suppressed it is suppressing the men too. These are our Mothers, Sister's and Daughter's. Don't forget about the generations of all those grandmothers went through through the centuries. Those Grandmothers and Mothers aren't going to let anything happen to this Mother that she can't handle. Those daughters, every last one are here for a reason. You think these girls went through any of this for nothing? You think that we put her through this for nothing? You think she's lying? You think she's crazy? Can you even afford to ask yourself that? Is it so wrong that she is right? What bothers you anyway's. That time is ticking away? Not enough time to figure this out? I would of known about this before her? Is she so bad let's say if she is delusional and she only wanted to save this planet and her family and yours? Did you reject her? Did you close your door? Do you wish she would just go away, so you won't have to look in the mirror and face reality? Is she just to real? To smart for you? To cocky for you? Did she hit a nerve? Did she get in your craw? Did she burst your bubble? Did she go to far this time? Just trying to save your lives? Or is she creating your HELL. Is she your fear all wrapped up in one little present? Is she to HOT for you to handle? Does she need to be taken down a peg? Put in her place? Is she sacrificing everything for you? Everything she holds sacred? Everything she holds dear to her? Everything to her is those children. So you can feel better about yourself? To much to handle for you anyway.

Know what else I figured out in this storyline it say's brother doesn't lie with brother. It doesn't say brother doesn't lie with sister. Everything that people have missed this one is the most obvious. This Nation wasn't in the bible either. Funny that. Irony again. Gotta like that irony.

03/11/2016

Today I want this journey over. I want it to end today.  I actually slept until I got woke up at 5:45. Very unusual for me. I woke up tired like I can't shake that deep fatigue again. I was going to order a cell phone from the State today but you can only do it at certain places at certain times. We have this woman here who is 88 years old. Strong lil thing for 88 that is for sure. The first night she came in and slept with a mattress on the floor with no air in it and a small blanket. I have seen her pass out from all the exhaustion trying to live in this homeless boot camp life. I've seen this more than once. I've seen her trip and fall a few times too. She got a grandson whom I just discovered today has two daughter of his own and she has one son. She took them twenty bucks yesterday for gas. They called again last night needing grocery money. She got rear ended in her car, and she has a rental for five days. Her car was totaled. She asked me if I would take her this time? I had an appointment this morning to pick up a check for my Orca card. No one was there. I took Judy to the bank to get her cash. I already decided it was time for some truth talk with these two.

I let them know right off the bat. I know about the meth and where this money is really going. I was  already angry about them taking her car before and she didn't get it back in one piece.The grandson's with the D.O.C. as a client. He said he's not doing it anymore. I told them what it was like for a homeless 88 year old woman. I told them I know the meth strips your soul. Makes you do things you normally wouldn't without any emotion. I let them know that DSHS is on to them for elderly mental and financial abuse. That this is just a warning, I said it's time for you boys to get your shit together. She's mothered you long enough. I said to them you are the only family she has and she wants you back. They cleaned her out so much she couldn't pay rent. She looked at one of those Stuart Anderson places. It advertised for a certain amount. She went in and when they found out she had a bit more of a monthly stipend they upped her rent amount. She figured out that she couldn't afford anything else. You see these programs really aren't what you think they are. Somebody is always to greedy on the top. Plus this took so long I missed my appointment to get a cell phone. Another day in paradise.

Google chrome froze up a lil while ago. Cost me another twenty minutes. The lighting on the keyboard has a glare and I can't see it very well. What can I say I'm having a bad day. I want this done. I don't give one flying fuck what happens today. I'm ready to snap. All the music just seems wrong today. The weather was sunny this morning and no it's pouring down rain. I actually heard the forecast for this weekend and it looks pretty stormy. Talk about burn out. When is enough enough? No where to get comfortable. No where to lie down and sleep. Today my back feels pretty good. The rest of me does not however.

I listened to some friends last nigh talk about ordering a sandwich to be toasted at a seven eleven store. She asked him is he could start toasting it because the two people in line were behind her were with her and by the time everyone was done her sandwich would be done? He agreed and just set it aside and waited on 4 other people. When he was finished she asked for a box for her sandwich? He said boxes are for regular customers only. Jessica said well this is my sixth night and every night I got a box. He said it would cost 15 cents for a box. She said I'm calling your manager. She already bought a drink, chips and pizza while she waited. The guy picks up the phone and starts hitting it on the window. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. We outgrew our customers. Even our customers are replaceable now a days. I don't care how much they show me to make it worth it for me to do this. I know where my daughters are going. I know where I am going. So what do I care anymore? They tell me it will be worth it in the end. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I don't care about the rainbows or what it represent's. I don't care about the Father or these fucking brothers or this great big fucking plan to fix all this and turn it off for awhile and start over. I don't care about the cause and effect on me and this planet. Wasn't very happy to discover this about myself in the first place. I wasn't happy about this being hidden under the shroud of darkness and me writing about light in the dark. I wasn't happy how far I have had to go with this and sound crazy and scare people. Who would ever be willing go through this anyways? Who would choose to walk away from the light? From the SUN and the Moon anyways? Who would choose to leave the tree's, leave the rivers and oceans and all that it holds inside? For God's Sake why in the end of so many Lords Prayers would I say, keep coming back your all worth it? Not me. Not me anymore. If they can't give me my life back, my children, my family then why in the hell should I give you life? I'm doing all that I can do with all that I got everyday and today it just isn't enough. Quite frankly whoever the fuck you really are today I HATE YOU. I really really do. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to see anymore or know anymore. Know more beauty in someone else's pain. I don't want to see inside anybody and have compassion and understanding. I'm to tired of all this stress and all this shit. Let the SUN go down. I don't care about the father or the sun. I don't care about myself. Holy shit do I represent the moon? Is that what all this moon shit is all about? Wasn't there a eclipse two nights ago? MOTHER FUCKING MOON anyway's. Is that what the trinity is, the sun, the moon, the planet? Fuck that shit. I'm walking away.

03/13/2016
Ya know it's been a pretty tumultuous couple of days for me. Every fucking time I want to walk away and just let it all go. Just turn it off and ignore everything. Just for a couple of day's I don't want to know what I know. I don't want to deal. I found out something big happens in the month of September. They just keep stringing me a long like this. Hold out just awhile longer. We've got you this far. Are you Fucking kidding me? I said swim in a sea of sharks for him. Just what the fuck did I agree to anyway's. I don't care if it works out and everything will be allright. Just where the Fuck have I heard that before? Everytime he actually looked at me, he would actually look me in the eye and smirk, Just a lil while longer and you can take a break. Just a lil while longer and I'll stop playing around. Just get me to the next point in my life. He always had a point to get to and no matter what I made sure he got there. I didn't give up, not even with a crazy mother that is either not showing up and laughing about it. Likes it's oh so funny. Not even with my dad's family losing it four and half hours down the highway. It was like walking into a funny farm of insanity. My mom always needing money at the last minute and what the banks put me through trying to deposit a check from my business account to her and we used to bank there and they fucked up on my business account and it took them months to fix like a whole $66.00. They know who I am and they won't pick up the phone to call the bank a few blocks over to verify funds. What the fuck happened to customer service around this place. Even customers are a risk right now. They don't give a fuck about your money. The point is to always make the customer feel like they are wrong. Even when that simply is not the case. So we take less and less as we walk away from that table again. It's gotten so bad that your identity isn't worth one fucking thing anymore. What the fuck is up with this credit shit anyways. Now they get the credit for giving us credit and they get to score us on that?

You know what really set's me off everytime I think I'm just gonna have a normal day. It's either dead or extreme in this house. It went from batty to just downright childish. We actually have a woman in here who tattles on herself all the time. After awhile you'd think she'd figured out just why she always ends up having to leave. This woman never stops talking. Everything she thinks comes right out of her mouth. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Oh boy, here we go not again everytime she walks in a room, drama is gonna go down. Right before your very eyes. This one is always a show for sure. Not making fun of her like you think even when they piss me off, ya gotta love them anyways. I have learned out here someone is always bouncing on my head. Pushing my button's. I let these one corner me one time. I can learn allot in one hour. Once ya know, you get it. you know. Once I get it I get it. Enough getting it already. I'm tired of getting it and understanding. I want out of this house right now.

Just as I hit a point of acceptance. Alex always pisses me off. Now I get it. At first I had to walk away. This conversation sounded so familiar to me. Then it hit me, her father's favorite tool was trading assertive for the word aggressive. Then comes the next word. Rude!!!! You see when you do this try to speak up and draw a line and say enough. Didn't matter how many times I said to him this is just not okay. Like I have done with her several times, this you telling me what to do is not all right. You don't disrespect your mother like that. I don't care who you are. It just isn't okay any way you shake the stick at it. I said if you are so worried about what others think over your mother then I don't want you behind my back. This sounds so fucking familiar. She's like no mom don't shut me off. INo Alex I'm not shutting you off baby girl, I'm just turning you down for a lil while. I'm not letting go. I know who has her and just who's daughter she is. You know some lessons in life hurt more than others. Some aren't to take you down, but to make you stronger. She doesn't get even for me this is the hardest lesson for me to take to. I hate this part of the lesson every time that I hate. The lesson of THY will not mine, really pisses me off too.  For her the lesson of even if I'm not there, I know just what's going on. She's got to understand that as much as I love my children, I can't let those words take me down. I can't let them piss me off and say something I can't take back.

(Even as a child no one could ever say I was a rude child. Even the teachers said, she sure does talk a lot but she's always polite. Right up to that DUI. You were the easiest DUI I ever had. You were so easy, so polite.)

You've got to trust me you've got to have Faith in your Mother. You think I don't want to see her and hold her in my arms and tell them both it's over? We can be together right now. Yeah I really hate this Thy will shit, not one GOD DAMNED BIT. My Fucking EYE! Before I posted the first video. I said pay attention to my words, not my emotions. There is a point to all this. It's not what you think. I have talked about emotions over and over. I realized when people see one emotion that makes them uncomfortable they apply it to everything. Then they think they have it all figured out. My favorite point has become, this is only one facet one point. People take the one thing they see and apply it to everything. That one moment or ten minutes of emotion and no one can look at it. They only want to see one thing. They haven't read one God Damn thing and they think they have that one moment in time all figured out about me. You know what happens after I cry? After I just break down and cry. The only time I when I prayed about someone else. I wanted it so bad I just let it all out. That ten minutes of tears washed away and got me to the next step. I was done with that phase of my life. Nothing like when you've finally had enough that you just put your true emotion on the line, all you can do is let it go after that and hope for the best. I didn't take the red pill or the blue pill either. My daughter has to understand I have a job to do. One last Mother Fucking JOB and she can have all of me. I can't wait to give them everything and celebrate our life. Together we will celebrate. When they are ready they will stand behind me, I have FAITH in that. When the time comes they will know just what to do. I don't know more than I can tell them right now. No daughter of mine is going to judge there mother on a lie, that goes so far back, I don't even know, HELL I don't care, I'm tired of sitting in purgatory. I'm tired of the fickle friends and family plan. It might not of made sense at the time, but it sure makes sense to me right now. LACK OF FAITH IN YOUR MOTHER IS COMING TO AN END. It don't get any better than that.

You know at first I wanted to throw the rock in the middle of that restaurant and I right now I want to throw this whole mother fucking planet into the storm. I found out I'm going to have a day of tears on my birthday. Then they expect me to wait five more mother fucking months. Just what in the HELL do they want me to do anyway. I'm so sick of hearing I owe, I owe so off to work I go. If I'm Snow White in this story line where the fuck are my seven dwarfs? Where are my seven brothers anyway's? While I walk out here they get to live in oblivion to just what is really going on. I told my children if your not going to take the the time to read everything I put together, if they aren't willing to find out who there mother really is inside then don't you judge me. Don't you make choices for me. If you can't see the whole picture or even peek around the curtain then you opinion of me doesn't matter at this point. It's not real, what you see on the outside of me. I don't know how many times I have said to my children, even when you think I'm not listening I heard every word. Their is nothing more I need to know. Just when are they going to understand, I get it? Until I got it they aren't going to see anything. So here I sit in this lil blue house with all the lil children. With all the lil mothers. Some day's I just can't tell the difference. So I sit in this corner a typing my life away. I said to someone today, if you don't ring the bell in this house, how ya gonna get inside? I'm ready to plow this MOTHER FUCKING PLANET MYSELF. JUST FUCK THESE MOTHER FUCKING BROTHERS ANYWAYS.

A Bunch of pussy boys I like to call them anyways. I mean just how much SHIT am I gonna have to muck through? Am I gonna have to follow. Thats pretty much what I'm doing out here. I'm just following all the SHIT trails. What you think pounding the pavement shoveling the SHIT out of my Path is fun? This ain't no paradise out here. Free time, Free money, yeah that's the life I live. Right? Just what the fuck am I whining about anyway? It's so easy come on you can do it, you can navigate your way around this fucked up system, where the numbers just don't add up? Your so smart, you got it all figured out? Right? Oh your so righteous, you worthless piece of shit anyway? Prove your brothers wrong? Come on I dare ya? Oh these brothers are so pussy whipped they don't even know. Who's hand is at the other end of that whip anyway's? Just who the fuck brothers do you think you are anyways? You leave your sister standing out in the storm. You tell her, you go ahead and figure this out anyway's you uneducated crazy piece of shit anyway's. Just who the fucks sister is yanking your chain anyways? Who the Fuck Demon dog's do you think you are? Just who the FUCK IS HOLDING ONTO THE REINS while you all fuck around with someone else? Who the fuck do you think holds the shit together while you lose it, like a bunch of whiny lil pussy boys? Just what sister you gonna stand for when the shit hit's the fan? You want truth? You want JUSTICE? While you all stare down your noses at your lil sister. Ya want a sister who can hold onto the reins? You wanna a sister who has weathered this storm a time or two? Do you want Snow White or Cinderella? The way I see it one had a wicked witch a chasing her down, and the other well, she had a a bitch for a step mother too. Now just why the fuck would I ever choose this life, this paradise I live in, amongst the family IC with Angel wings on there back, if I fucking didn't have to? The way IC it I'm ready to fly. I've made that very clear. Oh yeah, that's right you all want proof of life? Isn't that what it's really all about proof?

Okay, let me see if your life is such a bed of roses, then why do you even tune in? Why do you bother? Your just waiting to see where this goes? Well to tell you the truth, this doesn't go anywhere. I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've felt like that for oh so long. I felt stuck. That no matter how much I wanted to go, I felt stuck. To find out they want to stuff me like a pig with a apple in my mouth can be pretty motivating some days. Others well not so much. SUEY! What is it about those three lil pigs and 3 lil houses I see. What door do you choose? The one with the straw? The one made out of lil sticks? Or how about house number three, the one made out of bricks? What if I told you you're living on a house of cards?  Now let me ask you, just what if this house of cards goes down, what's your back up plan? Do you even have a back up plan? I mean if this house of cards comes down and your time is up, what'ya gonna do? When the shit hit's the fan do you want a sister to stand beside you who has been around this block a few times? One who has told you the truth about everything from the start? One who has made an agreement and it's time to pay the piper for this place I like to call HELL LIVING IN YOUR ILLUSION OF ALL THIS PARADISE!. I see quite clearly, just what's coming down that pike. This is no small debt to pay for all this gratitude I give everyday living in this cement paradise. Oh I'm so thankful, for all you brothers have done for me. No Really, I'm so grateful for all righteous indignant knowledge you instilled in me. There are some things in this life I choose not to follow right now. I mean what's the point anyway? She's always been a crazy bitch anyways. Well thank you for that brother. Now ask yourself just who the fuck drives me crazier, my brothers or my sisters? All my life I've gotten from the mothers, the fathers, the brothers, the sisters. I don't know maybe I am a MARTYR after all? Oh she's such a martyr. Always tooting her own horn. Dancing to her own music, singing her own song's. She's always walked to the beat of her own drum anyways. Just let her go, she's crazy, right? I mean you know what else bothered me about those video's that not one person connected one dot. I did those a few months back, over a few day's. With all the interruptions I had with technology and people. I never exploded one time. Deepest moments of my life knowing what is inside my head and I haven't lost it yet. All those stops and start overs. No one even put together that I am at peace with myself and my choices I have made with my life. I am at peace or else I wouldn't of put it all out on the line. I don't wear any mask's, I don't carry any weapons but I sure do say some pretty scary words. Some day's I don't even know how deep they are going to take me before they pull off this tape this label? When are they going to let me speak? I mean what is everyone so afraid of anyways? I have heard from so many books, that the end is coming and it's a woman this time. HELL I didn't even have any idea about anything like that. I didn't have a fucking clue. You can say I've been pretty naive or am I just a clueless lil bra'd? Maybe I'm just to nice?maybe I'm just tired of getting pushed around? My family has been teaching me to push back. I have lived with in the boundaries, and all these rules long enough. Ya know you can't make everyone happy all the time. I'm gonna piss a whole lotta people off. From all over people are gonna be pissed first, then it's going to finely sink in, it's going to finely dawn on you that shit is going to hit the storm. What can I say some triggers hurt. They don't feel very good. That first trigger of emotions, then as it dawns on you a lil further, what's that I hear? Are those flood gates I hear? Do I hear A Crash? A Boom? A Bang? Or is it going to be a crackling sound as things start coming down. You know I stand amongst those stars, that twinkle in the night. All those lil gem stones you hold so dear. Even my daughters pass code is look up. She hasn't read anything. Funny how we three just seem to follow along in my so called miserable lil life.

03/14/2016

Wow! What a night last night in this house. I felt like a steel ball in a video game trying to avoid all the drama a going on around me. Karrisa such a sweet one was in rare form that bi-polar isn't any fun for her. She was getting like a paranoia. Well actually yes very paranoid. Someone gave her back her tobacco bag she gave away the other day. She thought she had did something wrong. I had to explain five times and keep breaking it down for her until she finally got it. It was like bouncing a ball back and forth. Finely I explained that it was returned out of friendship not malice. That with her high's and low's and all the crazy energy going on around her that we understood quitting smoking in this house is a unrealistic expectation. Finally she was happy BUT a lil while later Tina and me were chatting in line about something else and because I didn't stop right then and there and placate her paranoia it grew and grew in her head. Someone comes to me to tell me about it and I explained there is no issue. Then I walk outside to light up. I don't sit still to smoke. I walk I pace. I walk away and process my thoughts. I look up and the whole road is shut down hit and run. One man dead, a mother and father dead. They left behind a fourteen month old. I walked away try to escape but the others were pretty lit up about this. The house was charged. In the truck Tina all hot under the collar as she tells me of another accident two day's ago, a car two buildings down hit a business on the corner.

Then low and behold here comes lil Jessica, now I haven't decided how to handle this one. You see I discovered my missing bag of tobacco in Tina's truck. I hadn't been in it for a couple of weeks. I don't think tobacco bag's can walk that far do you? If I say something to staff she will be out forever. Way to harsh for a bag of tobacco. She get's in the truck with her boyfriend Cory on the phone. He's in rehab. He's been off heroine but his parent's are upset about the pot so they kicked him out. He was upset because she asked to call him back? He's got his panties in a wad because he's in rehab guilting her. Laying the pile of shit on thick. For forty five minutes she tried placating him. He doesn't get it this young mother will go back out and use if he doesn't stop piling his shit on her. I wanted to drop kick her and that phone out of the truck.

I see allot of desperation in these women. Another one my lil Patina, we had a talk. You see she had a place. She did what she was supposed to do and the landlord didn't document the deposit. Now whenever she talks to this guy trying to make him happy by updating the status he get's upset and all I hear is me, me, me, I, I, I. He's all upset about his stuff being and storage and weather it has a garage. All I hear is her placating trying to calm him down. Oh Patina, do you really want that in your house? Is it really worth it? Patina's issue is she doesn't know she's worth it. The crap we all put up with trying to find LOVE. We are so attracted to ones pain and trying to manipulate it to have a roof and food, we have really gone down hill. Our children see this. Oh don't blame the mothers, we mothers are only human and we can only take so much. It has been so long since anyone felt unconditional love that no one knows what it feels like anymore.

We pulled up in front of the circle K and there was a guy juggling in the parking lot. Tina was actually worried about her high waters on laundry day and how she looked. Tina this a guy juggling in front of the circle K, aim higher sunshine. Her self esteem is buried down deep. She is coming out of her shell. We were talking the other night, it turn's out she had a brother named ENOCH along with her uncle. I laughed. I explained with about a hundred interruptions of everyone coming up to the truck just what is really going on, she wasn't happy. Even when I told her why she is a magnet like me for bad luck. I explained that in the book of ENOCH there were women warriors and we chose to do this for our children and the planet. She was not happy at all. Even though when I explained to her why she has the outburst of anger, what that is all about. I explained her passion for eagles and about spirit animals, her passion for the veterans, and let's not forget her passion for those lost boys. I explained some of the strange stuff she has told me that happened to her. Like having a nightmare of being in a church and three things were scratching it's bloody nails against the window trying to get her. See Tina they can't get you, because of who you represent. They want you, but they can't get you. That's what that bad luck magnet is all about. To take down God's Angel's. She processed this and the next day she came back and she said she heard the word PROTECTOR. You got it. That's why you get so upset when you think someone said something about your children. Now Tina is over the top on this one, but at least she understood. Still not happy about September being so far away.

Let's not forget Tracy. Now I adore Tracy. I see inside this down deep the kid glove approach didn't work the first time, so before she loses it completely it's going to be time for another talk. Works allot of hours and is always borrowing money and broke. This is the one with the ex-husband who is renting a room and she gives him money to pay his rent and have somewhere to lay his head and put his stuff and when she wanted a couple of day's off he applies the guilt and pressure. Fix this Tracy. Her second job she had to get hired for and he tries to steal a laptop. Loses her job and so does her other son. Sometimes you just can't fix broken Tracy. Tina's about to go to staff over this issue and then some. I don't blame her but blackmail isn't the way to go. Tina tried it and Tracy laughed. She's good, I have to say but I know just what the achelius heal is here. I don't want to have to use it but we will have to wait and see.

When I got to the church last night I wanted to sit in the middle of the floor, pull my knees to my chest and bury my head in my arms, actually cover it. Instead I walked in set up Elanore made sure others were getting settled, I laid down to shut my eyes and process, and I crashed. I hate doing this. No sleep med's. Now I didn't need these anymore before I came in here but now I do. I was awake at 2:30. It hurt between my shoulder blades. I was hoping a muscle relaxer would help and let me sleep for a couple of hours. No such luck. I thought I wouldn't need my earplugs, I was wrong again because Patina's man started calling in the middle of the night. First I yelled turn it off. Then after a few times of it ringing I tracked down that phone. I don't understand what these men think these women are gonna do from inside in here when things fall apart? I always wanted to get a shot gun and hang it over the fireplace with spent shot gun shells on the shelf. I wanted to put boys names on them. My girls were not impressed. Hey their father wasn't doing it so why not me? He doesn't have a clue what he's holding in the palm of his hand. Looking back this guy never did have allot of respect for mothers. The only reason I signed him to half custody before we completed the divorce is so my children would have both parents in their lives. I don't mind putting the fear of God in these boys. I'm thinking I should do that in this house until these women can learn just what is acceptable and what isn't. Luckily men don't cross the line inside this house. Well except George and a poet. It is George's jungle after all.

When I got to class this morning I was in no mood. I looked at Eric and I said just try to motivate me today. These women were on fire last night. I noticed that when I watched the news for a few today, it was the weather. Flooding in the South and a seven trains de-rail. I'm shaking my head and Cynthia says out loud, doesn't anyone believe in God anymore? I laughed, because I was just thinking the same thing. If God's wife is the energy of this planet do you really think he's going to let you all burn her out? Hell yeah, he understands her moodiness lately. We have poisoned our sea life, our water, our land our animals and our dirt and fertilizer and the air, just how much farther is this going to go? I wrote awhile ago about a seismic shift of some sort, that was before I knew about those fault lines under the sea. Before I knew about the meteor hitting the planet, and let's not forget the power outage. Is it coming from Russia, this E.T. I spy with my lil eye or is it going to be GOD and his WIFE a coming back? When I wrote this I didn't know their were so many facets a coming into play. I didn't think about all these different layers I see upstairs and so many layers right here on the ground.

I know my days are drawing near until I'm back outside. This thought came to mind this morning in class. When someone knows a woman is sleeping outside, that would be open game right? Just how vulnerable am I in this animal kingdom I live in? Just who's prey am I gonna be? I know of allot of people who are gonna want to skewer my ass. They are going to want to shut me up somehow. I haven't been very good about holding anything in lately. I don't care who knows who I am anymore, it's been funny to see the look on some of these peoples faces as I ask questions and connect the dots. I like to have a lil fun with it. Messing with people, shaking a few tree's, ruffling a few feathers. I always walked around any barrier and I didn't even know I did that until last week. I hadn't even realized I walked around something pretty scary in that vision with my daughter. I just accepted I wasn't ready. Now I am and I feel like I'm chained to this dog house. I saw my first and only aura above someone's head I have no idea how long ago that was, weird I didn't even really flinch when I realized what I saw. I mean it's not like I have ever seen anything like that before. Apparently I've got some experience with demons, who knew? Not me. I think about being grabbed by the throat and I remember my brother Todd grabbing me by the throat when I was little. I can't get a clear picture of this, but for some reason my brother never scared me. Ask me if I would of let him around my daughters had he been alive and the answer would be no fucking way. After all he went through their was just no fixing that. i'm happy today he wasn't around his daughter. Shari's life would of been a mess. My mother said he looked like a vampire in the hospital and he would of been one feeding the LOVE off of our children. He was broken long ago. To break a child's spirit is not okay. Today my brothers car accident is a blessing in disguise. He took it on so my children wouldn't have to. His life was already a sacrifice before he got here and he didn't even know it. After this no more sacrifice for our sisters or our brothers. Now what do I do about this September barrier?

I understand why these women want the real thing, I would give anything for the real thing and of course my family wants to draw this out. I already agreed they could use my body from here on out but their are day's I want it back. My goal today, my first goal is the rapture. My girls don't have faith in me that I know just who they are. If they won't listen well it's going to be a tough love time. Alex want's to up the anty, I don't care how old she is, I will to. This kid glove shit with this one are coming off. Alex always wanted to grow up before her time. She tried telling me that I always tell her she's wrong. I said not true. I tell you all the time how proud I am of you actually both of them all the time. I tell them what I see in them but this one respect and not listening when I say stop, she's just like my mother. She just can't let it go. She can't stop being like her father. He taught her this about herself whenever she had emotions. Emotions are rude. Oh please she will be a basket case in no time if she doesn't learn that emotions are good. Hey if he doesn't want to deal and avoid that is his choice. I figured out he is my whipping boy in this story line. Someone should of whipped that boy a long time ago. Hell these are just words, I haven't actually whipped anybody yet. I put my anger on paper still. With these women in here well somehow the opportunity will arise to have a talk. I just need to process for a lil while. Oh Hell, is this the point with Alex, that if I can't get one in line how am I going to handle more? I'm not actually. For all I know hopefully it's just Alex that is so hard headed. I'm not going to future trip, I don't have that fear anymore of young women, or any woman for that fact. To handle what these girls are going to go through or what they are going to go through is not going to be easy. I don't expect anyone to give up there lives. If the ADHD child is the Indigo Child I see then I am grateful for they're mothers everyday of my life. I remembered a few days ago when my mom and sister used to make fun of me that I wanted twelve children. I have no memory of this. I knew my whole life only two. I'm thankful they are all strong young women. Hey it's about time some women kicked some ass.

My favorite ladies brought in meat balls for dinner and that made me real happy.  These two ladies they can cook. I can't wait for the day when I can pick my own food. I hate mushrooms. Hate them. I love mushroom hunting. I loved crabbing as long as I had on thick gloves or someone else removed the shell. I love fishing as long as someone else baits my hook and takes the fish off the hook. Then from their I hand over the reins. I don't want to see the eye's hear the screams. My father in law told me the last time he went hunting. He took his game down and when he got to it it was still alive. They looked in each others eyes after that he was done. Except fowl. To shoot a cow in the head? To look in the eyes, no thank you, not me. I don't care how it get's to the refrigerator, as long as it get's there. I understand it is our food and I'm to picky. I'd starve so I can't give up my meat. I like my iron, I like my protein, I like my minerals. When I saw my grandma when I was like six years old with a chicken on the counter, it took me ten years to eat chicken again. My food intake is very limited and so is my diet. It's only been the last few years that I have expanded that pallet. Actually it was right after I separated from Greg. Greg's restaurants were smelly and made me sick, the things I saw. The flies around the ducks a hang in in the window, no thanks. I didn't have Greg's food issues anymore and it freed me. No more pressure to perform.

My mother never fed me vegetables. (Vegetables could of solved so many problems and issues you don't even know)Unless it was from a can. Gag me. Slimy, I don't like it. I won't eat raw spinach or anything like it. I don't like olives either. No celery, no not me. No green peppers, no red peppers, no onion's to slimy. I have discovered that I like the flavors however. I especially like the spicy stuff. Just no chunks. Chunk's make me sick. If I saw a black dot in a tater to I'd dry heave. Let's just say I have improved. Still have a hard time eating a brown spot on a chip or banana. I don't like my food bruised and beaten. I can't get to know my food. I can't take a life. I leave that up to the boys. They are disgusting pigs anyways. Some times it does come in handy. Greg and Alex can do this no problem, but not me and Kiley. This food killing is hard for her too.  It pisses me off when someone else pushes their food issues off on me. Like they want me to watch the process. No, I know my limit's.

I like garden's but if I see one snake I don't step back in that garden minimum two weeks. Even then I have boots on. Snakes are gross and disgusting. They shed their skin. Gross! I hate snakes. I hate them. I can't even see how people eat fried skin. Ish! Fat, I hate fat on my meat. I cut it all off. Up until a couple of years ago I could not touch raw fowl. I only eat white meat. Speaking of snakes, who is this Lilith? God made a woman out of dirt without Adam's rib and I heard it didn't go so great. Another name to look up or ask someone. More investigation I see. I want a bath. I have a feeling my next bath will be a blood bath but after that I want a bath. I don't like how small the bathtub's are bow. They are to shallow. Not deep enough. I get cold and the water cools off to fast. Their was only one time in my laugh that I liked to take bath's. I mean really like a bath. I like a drop of fragrant oil to soften my skin. I like my bath a lil on the hot side.  Hot oily and florally smelling. At times I like the musky smell too. Nothing like that natural musky smell to heighten the senses. Why do people fight their instincts? We learn our instincts from our mothers first. Always that bond.

03/15/2016

Only by doing something different do you discover new things.

To be a good parent you have to piss off your children every now and then. If your not you are not doing your job. you set the boundaries. You set the rules.

Something else about that bible I have figured out. Empathy, in order to have empathy you have to put on the characters shoes. Now with Sympathy you can relate because you have been through it. When you put on the different shoes of some of these characters it helps to feel the emotion. When you feel the emotion or you can relate you don't have to tolerate. You can have acceptance of someone else.

I noticed that even the people that don't follow religion they still have ingrained in their mind some of the rules. Take for instance in certain religions you have to follow and live by certain rules created to be in the club. If you do not or cannot you are outcast or you don't get to reap the full benefits the full rewards like the rest of the gang. You were given conditions to receive God's unconditional love. Now I ask how that is unconditional? Why would God create something like that in the first place? That isn't attainable. It sets you up to fail right from the start. How right is that anyway? They guarantee you a place in heaven if you abide by these rules. How can man guarantee a place in heaven? It's not his home. That home is his wife's kingdom for her children not yours. Talking about that organ again that heart. Science has taught us that emotions pretty much comes from the brain. Not true, emotions come from the heart. We process our information through the brain. Like when I process my anger, I have to walk away and figure out what triggered it. Was it the words? What about those words? Where have we heard them before and how did it make me feel then? Plus timing is the integral part to, then don't forget about the setting. What about the setting, the recall that seems so familiar? Then after I process that and my feelings about it, I have to accept that it made me feel angry in the first place. From there I know what direction to move in or I let it go for another time. At least then I have awareness of my cause and effect. It would be nice to just say to someone now that pisses me off and talk about it with that person but at this point in my life I don't have that person. To many people are to reactive. They can't step outside themselves to see things from a different perspective by putting on someone else's shoes for awhile. By caring enough to put on someone else's shoes to adjust someone way of thinking to make it better, without selfishness is great. to figure it out together to solve something without taking something so personal. You can't always take and make something personal when you see the bigger picture.

I heard their is a study somewhere out there on loneliness. Loneliness is worse than smoking. It increases the chance of a heart attack by 14 percent. You can still be in a relationship and be lonely if each others needs aren't getting met. That is why married people live longer. When I was a child my lil dog filled that hole in my heart. I didn't figure out until later in my life that I slept around my dog. I didn't even notice. Then they would sleep on or curled up in me. When you sleep you recharge your internal battery. When you sleep with someone and both your needs are being met you recharge that battery so much faster. When you are both sharing your lives together you have one battery. You both recharge together. I have figured out that is part of the healing touch. To trust someone to touch you and heal you through trust is huge. You heal each otehr that way. Two is a llot stronger than one.

When I was married to Greg, after we moved to California we downsized from a queen to a full size. Every night I'd be curled up in the corner or fighting to not fall off the bed. I awoke one night and I reached behind me and it was a couch pillow. I jumped out of that bed yelling, this whole time and all these nights I'm falling out of bed because of all these pillows you have piled around you? I had asked him not to use the couch pillows in the first place because he is ruining them. We had a California King size bed later in our marriage. One night I'm on my side of the bed and I'm trying to turn over on my side and I reached behind me to see what's holding me down and it's Greg's pillow. He told me I couldn't move it because he is resting his hand on that pillow. If I touched my hand on his stomach he would tell me to move it because I am scorching his skin. When I sleep facing someone the leg that faces up is bent over the person I am sleeping with, I couldn't curl up to Greg because it hurt his lower back.

Now when I slept with my next boyfriend after my divorce, I connected with him because he was so affectionate. I hadn't been touched in so long that I didn't realize how good it felt. It recharged me. Carey literally slept with his head on my back. I slept through it. When my Mother or Greg upset me and I'd be losing it emotionally Carey would try to come near me and I'd back up. I don't like to be touched when I'm upset and I didn't like to have to have someone there for me. I didn't know how? I didn't know what healthy touch felt like. To touch someone to heal and not take something away was huge for me. My mom didn't touch me unless it was out of anger or her skinny belt when I drew a chalk rainbow on the wall in Oregon, and my husband of I don't know how many years only touched me for sex or to manipulate me to get what he wanted. Carey would have to chase me down just to hold me when I hurt inside. That is why when I had children, I was always touching them or we'd pile up on the bed or couch all curled up and entwined together. That is why children touch the skin of the mother when they feed or why they like that soft blanky. Kiley might of sucked her thumb but she had her blanky too. How do we touch those we love? What are they learning about the healing touch? What do we know about the healing touch today? So when I say I get it, I get it. We all wanted to be touched by LOVE. That is a part of healing and recharging.

Now take a look at who we sleep with at night, who we lay our heads down with. Do you feel safe and comfortable or is sleeping with that person a drain on us? Some men for me I discovered, especially my whipping boy Greg, did not understand that it is the lil everyday things you do for your partner in life that determines your sex drive. It's not a score card, like guys think I took out the garbage today, now do I get a blow job? Taking credit and payment at the same time is not balance in a relationship. This stuff comes from the heart. Fill the heart, fill the bed. We are so busy getting our own needs met that we forget their is even another party. I told Patina this morning, you need to learn to play nice with others, when your in this house. She threw a temper tantrum the other night because a woman was rinsing the silverware that I was loading in the dishwasher. She went on about how it is her chore and she doesn't want any help. she wants to do it herself. She looks at me angrily and said you are getting on my nerves. I looked at her and said you are not a team player, your not the only one. It is my chore too, then I said and by this you are getting on my nerves. That if someone out of the kindness of their own heart want to help me out and they aren't in my way then have at it. All the power to her. Patina made this other woman feel like she had to apologize to her for helping. The only one who needed to apologize for their behavior was Patina. People don't get you are not the only one. The world and every situation doesn't involve just one person. It would be a pretty lonely place to be in.

I was thinking about my skin and how I could really use the sun to clear it up, I don't have skin care anymore or do I want to carry it and keep track of it. It made me start to think about skin cancer, my grandpa and my mother. The sun used to be something good, but we have turned the sun bad. We are all protecting ourselves from the sun. Truth be told the sun heals and provides nutrients for the planet. It warm's, it soothes, it heals. We get to see the sun everyday, since this planet was here. We have poisoned it with all this pollution. We have burned away the filters so the UV'S are higher and now we burn easier and get more skin cancer. Now we have to create more products and more garbage to protect against the sun. The sun gives this planet energy. That energy is God's wifes representation here on earth.

How do you know if something really is there if you can't see it, feel it or touch it? You have to rely on the other senses to find the answers. For instance, let's take those nano's I think I talked about. Those sink holes. They had dirt in them before, and now they don't. Visual, that would be a visual. A person place or thing that disappears. Where did it go? Those sink holes are related to those ants, it's either molecules or something that we can't see with the naked eye, but proof is we had dirt and now we don't. It's gone. The other sense is smell. Can you smell it anymore? What did you smell in the dirt before that? Did it smell tainted or fresh? When you touched the dirt what was the consistency, smooth, gritty, grainy? What are the elements it takes to feed the dirt? The elements it takes to cleanse it again? What are we feeding our dirt and just where in the hell did the dirt go anyway's? This is another part of mother nature that is eroding away and being poisoned, by that E.T. and Satan. These are the two brothers I see that are not to lie together in EVIL and EVOL that I see. By the way when you look at a ant farm what it is that you see? Tunnels and holes right? Here it affects us through cause and effect.

As you have noticed I sure do have a lot of swear words lately. I can't even believe I write or think it. I've never used the word Jesus Christ and Mother Fuck so much in my life. Now the word horror really pisses me of to no end. This word is misused and mislabeled so many times I see. The topic actually came up in the house a few nights ago. One young girl said something about a location, and I felt her walk out of the room behind me. I said to Tina, did I really just here that? Someone else started passing judgement on this one. I said hey we all feed ourselves somehow, and she didn't put herself out there, someone else did from her past. Some of us don't understand the burden of that label. Especially when it's not true or we don't see or know the whole story. Even if I did it wouldn't matter. To judge someone is not the point. To figure it out every lil detail and how they got their isn't even the point. Remember we accept people at face value in this story. They tell me what they want me to figure out. Someday's I don't like the way I'm told either. The truth isn't always a pretty picture especially when you have been lied to for so long you don't know who to trust. Trust is a huge issue in this story to.

When I got in that semi, I had to have trust in him and that family upstairs. I had spoken to him for quite awhile a few nights ago at that red rock. I guess I shouldn't of been alone with the snake in the first place, but part of acceptance in this story is to have trust. Trust that their is a purpose. I still have to take a look at this Lilith character, I guess her point was big enough to make it in those big books. I have found out so much more being guided to other things I didn't know about. Every time I find something it's like, HHHHMMMMMM! All be DAMNED. I wonder what the point of this LiLith? Is it true? Just what is Lilith's point? I'm thinking if she was left out she must of had a pretty big point? Just who did LiLith represent in the story anyway's? I think I got one more sister, one more mother and one more player I didn't know about. If she was created by God, and dirt without Adam's rib, she must of taken the heat for something and if she is made out of God she would be more GOD LIKE right? Closer to the top. I've been thinking of the other word that triggers me something awful. Cunt! Seriously? Maybe God made her to take the heat and be stronger for a reason? That would make her closer to this planet and the energy and that SUN. I'm liking where this story line goes. If I'm Colleen another C word, is this Mother I see, is she the CUNT. Is she the Queen Cunt of all this land? Is she really the Mother of this Country Pride I've been looking for? Is she that woman in that medieval white dress?

Smile! My fucking ass! The smile and the abuse of the smile. This one pisses me off. Men think it is just fine to walk by a woman and say smile. Some say it nicely, sweetly and some say it like it's a command. I've been fired for not smiling at some punk ass kid right after he pulled a power play just to be a asshole a dick you might say. Then he wouldn't let the cook give me my food, unless I looked at him and smiled. Needless to say, we see how well that turned out. Men use it as a pick up line to grab your attention I guess? Pisses me off again. Maybe I don't want to be flirted with or bothered. Maybe I'm just in deep thought on something I have to remember? Being a server this happens all the time. My mind is always ahead of my moves. My mind is on the timing of everything and some asshole thinks it's cute, when I'm just trying to do my job. Even then who the hell are you to tell me to smile? I'm not your puppet on a string. Especially if I'm not serving you and I'm know where near you, what I do doesn't affect you in any way. Some people have to make it about them to feel better about themselves. If your a woman and if you don't, well your just a bitch. Another stereotype I might say. They label me, well I stereotype them. Why don't you try giving me something to smile about instead of manipulating me to smile? Do men walk by men and do this? Fuck no, they don't.

OMG! Are you Fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I just looked up on Google Lilith and the bible and I read it. OMFG! That is everything I've been talking about and I didn't even know it. My sex drive and orgasm's. my divorce. How everything turned weird. The snake and half woman? Really!!!!!!!Are you kidding me? A demon woman with wing's who's here to protect her pride. That word Cunt and this is the demon side of me. I'm God's DEMON mother on the top who's here to save her children from whatever darkness want's them. If I'm this mother, then just what darkness wants to take my children? You know I've been thinking lately to just what the fuck did I agree to? I kept saying mhmhmh! Yes I see. Now I'm purdy sure I would not of agreed to this. Just what all did they tell me as they walk me into just who it is and what Mother I represent. I never knew there were so many mothers up there representing me. Hell I didn't even know what represent meant when I first said this stuff.

My mind keeps going back to what I wrote to that man at warrior number two. I wrote I need warrior number one. I also remember something like no one touches him. No one touches him and he makes sure no one touches me. That was when I agreed to take the poison in. That was before I new there were so many different kinds of poisons, even in the energy. Like whoever this is that practices black magic? Poison in our word's our medicine our land our food our water our sea life. That got spread around through my family this time in so many different ways. A lot of what I agreed to I didn't know I had already been through it. I remember wondering if whatever this E.T. is if she's pregnant? I already knew it had something to do with our eggs and our babies, but what if there is a female bitch out there who wants to have babies? Or did she already? Is that why I had to orgasm so many times on that land to poison it? I remember writing I don't know if I'm hurting it or calling it out. The power of the orgasm, the power of the scent, the power of the energy, the power of the smell. The power of the rattle snake I hold in my right hand. The power when I shake my whole body. The power in my chant, the power in my prayer, the power in my rock, the power in my diamond that I hold inside of me. The power in my blood. The power of that essence I carry inside of me. I got the Holy Mother, The Holy Demon, The Holy Father in side my lil body. I carry the light the HOLY Light inside of me. This lil Mother has more than one set of wings on her back. You might not see them, but I assure you they are there. You want to make an ass out of me. You all assume it's me. The dark one, the demon, his demon, his angel, is that whose bitch I'm gonna fight?  Is that who's bitch I'm gonna throw down with? NOW I ASK JUST WHO THE FUCKS MOTHER DO YOU THINK I AM? AM I EVES MOTHER, THE ROCKS MOTHER, THE DEMONS MOTHER OR THE ANGELS MOTHER? WHAT SIDE OF THE FENCE DO I STAND ON? NOW I ASK YOU THIS WHAT GREEN TREE DO YOU FOLLOW? THE MONEY TREE OR THE TREE OF LIFE? WHO'S LIFE DO I HOLD IN THE PALM OF MY HAND? WHO'S BALLS DO I CARRY ANYWAYS?

Wow! I was thinking about how to turn a demon mother into a positive. For starter's if their is a demon mother, in order to be a mother well you gotta have a father. Let me take you off in a different direction. Remember when I said out here I don't pick anything? Things happen kind of randomly at times. The oddest things and the oddest numbers. Coincidence? Maybe. Who knows? Well I got served 11 BBQ meatballs from the ladies. Well I ate every last one they tasted real good too. Well every time I discover something new about myself about another relative, I didn't even know existed. So I got to looking back, if I am the mother of 12 daughters and if I see all different sides of these children, I'd have to say what I see ain't so bad after all. I have seen 12 lil fairies, I see 12 lil angels, I see 12 lil monkies, I see 12 lil indigo girls, I see 12 lil demon dog's. I see 12 lil lion's, I see 12 tigers, I 12 bear's, I see 12 lil demon kitty cats. I see a ring of fire of 12. I see 12 light's. I see 12 stars. I see 12 lil gem stones, I see a lotta red in those rocks. I see a lotta Fire a whole lotta spirit a whole lotta soul in those rocks. I'm liking those numbers, I'm liking those odds. Now that I Know I'm a demon bitch and I know who's bitch I am. I'm okay with my lil family, I'm okay with the full house. I remember I said to Kiley I can hold out I can hold on for you I can shine baby girl, for you I can shine. Now I know that this ones light shines enough for those eleven. I know Alex represent's the rock of these 11 and that would make her rock pretty God Damned Fucking Rock. I meant to say BIG FUCKING ROCK IN THAT ONE. That tells me that my light is strong enough for Kiley then my light is strong enough for twelve. OH HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT THIS IS GONNA HURT. JUST WHAT IN THE MOTHER FUCKING HELL DID I AGREE TO ANYWAY'S? OMFG! That mean's those mothers upstairs have some demon in them too. Right now I'm pretty thankful for LILITH. Of what we have coming up, the challenges ahead after this is a start over, after the way women have been suppressed and treated for generations, YOU GOD DAMNED BET THAT GOD PUT SOME DEMON IN THESE LIL BITCHES. Ain't nobody gonna play or fuck around with these children. NOT BY GOD< NOT BY THE MOTHER> Not another mother fucking soul, not another god damned mother fucking brother. not no more will these women be boxed in. These 12 lil monkeys are gonna kick some ass. At least my girls will have a clue what is going on. They will have a heads up, my worry is those girls will be lost and not have a  clue. At least my girls got to have a clue. Oh Dear God look over them. Holy Mother protect them and guide. I said not one freckle not one dot and I meant every mother fucking word. NOBODY TOUCHES THESE TWELVE. That's my fruits tree. There I said it I call it. I put it all out there. I put all my dirty laundry out there on line. All I gotta do is write it and call it and it's mine. That's the way it works. I'm liking this family tree after all. Behind every mother is a sister. Behind every Father is a brother right on down the line. I always thought of myself as a Heinz fifty seven but what am I now? What number am I now? Don't forget about those twins.

03/16/16

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse they hit me with another reality last night. I wassitting in the beast with Tina and in my head I'm yelling Holy Mother Fucking Christ are you kidding me? Then I was calling every scholar out there Idiots. Not one of you, not one ever thought that this is the curse of the Mother not just the Father. When I read up on LiLith the one that was Adam's wife after whatever went down in that garden I saw Lilith's fate. I saw label, rejection and purgatory. I saw children cursed, I saw sexual deviant accusation's then I read something in that story about Adam's fate after the garden. Then I heard sisters purgatory. I have to get my sister out of her purgatory that my mother put her in. Really? If I don't not only my daughter Alex which is causing depression in boy's and that fate would be a domino effect to all those other red heads. That is the domino effect I saw in the beginning. Thank's. LiLith and JC have way more in common than you think here. I am pretty angry right now. These are the consequences of crossing those two. They have a plan however, so how do I wake up these brothers? My sister's children, my brothers daughter and her son's. Katie, it will all go down hill very quickly. Direction's which direction do I go now?

One other thing, I am tallying up everything that I see here. I am now keeping score. So Talley Hoe you little bitch brothers of mine.

I just got done with class and at the moment I can't even explain my emotions. Just how the fuck did it ever get this far? How can any of this that I see going on around me justifiable? It's my emotions they want what the fuck they got it. I'm furious, I'm so furious I want to cry. I want to just break down and ball my eyes out and scream and wail. Last night after they told me just who this demon represents? I wanted to and in my head I put up my hands in a T and I said time out! Just stop I don't want to know anymore. Just what did I commit to anyway's? How far is this gonna go anyways? I have no idea what is expected of me after this is over? I actually called out to take on 10 young women? What do I do with them? I haven't a fucking clue. How do you start a whole planet over? I have no fucking idea? How can I agree and call out taking on young women I never met? Why would I do that anyways? I finally dawned on me that if they are the twelve fruits then Oh Hell NO, then nothing can happen no matter how insane I sound. That domino affect I saw in the beginning is those twelve fruit tree's withering and dying along with this planets food. I'm not sure how it connects scientifically but spiritually that is pretty huge. I don't have a fantasy life and I'm not having delusions about a end in sight.

I've been awake since 3 a.m. I crashed again last night after two things happened right around me, a friend is talking about black beauty's. Something they gave our service men to keep them awake for days on end and when they got out after the war, no help for them. Addiction issues on top off hallucinations, P.T.S.D. and all the blood shed on top of that, WOW! That is allot. Well that Black Beauty made me think of Becky at T.A. Then it made me think of that black heart. Earlier that day I got off a bus, and painted on the ground is a pink cross with a pink heart under it. I don't normally go to this stop, this is an unusual spot to see this. The second thing I'm watching is two of the witches from two different walks of life going at it. One is the batty blue fairy lady and the other is the very sweet old lady witch. That one can stir a pot real good. She's an old soul. Well they both are actually. Neither practice magic it's just the personality God gave them under the mental illness. They are strong and shrouded in darkness. These two were acting like to very lil bickering girls. Fierce and passionate, yet spiteful, They carry a grudge.

It hit me about that black heart. I have to somehow turn that black heart red, but I don't know how. I don't know who's black heart it is? I don't know if it's the poison in the food evil or the turning the LOVE into EVOL black heart? Like does everything this one touches turn's to dust? Who represent's this black heart? Is he good black heart? One of God's? One of my brother's? Or  is it my black heart?On my way into class this morning, I had visions of grabbing brother red by the throat. I mean come on if he's ahead of me on this, then he had to of known just where this was going to lead? Oh Brother where art thou, my ASS!  Just what did I walk into anyways? What did my children walk into? What is his children walking into? Is this why my ex and my daughter keep tamping me down? Aside from the fact I have to explain to my daughter that, her father.. Well how do I tell her just what the implications of the wrong label placed on assertive and aggressive behavior can do to somebody? To apply that to natural emotions that are okay to feel? That it's okay to stand up and say no! You are wrong if someone puts the wrong label on your behavior. That is her identity that she needs to protect herself. When you strip someone's identity, you strip the soul. I have to tell her it's okay to stand up for yourself, to defend, it's just not okay to go on the attack with the intent to take someone out. There may come a day she needs to understand the difference. What if she has to defend herself? What if she thinks defending herself is rude? I can't let her go on thinking it is okay. I need her to know this now with what I see coming up. She's going to have the fight of her life being so far away from me. How do I tell her it's a bad lesson to learn, but in the end result, even the bad sign's turn out to be good? How do I explain that one? I mean without sounding more nuts? I'm only human and a mothers heart is my achelious heal. They already would just think I'm making a excuse for something bad that happened to me. I make no excuses. My side of the street is clean.

I've been thinking about the word fate. Am I fated for this? Are my children living fated lives? What happen's to my evergreen tree and my lil dove if this goes wrong? How do I explain to these fathers, sorry I couldn't wake you up in time? Not just these brothers down here, but my ass is grass when I get upstairs. We thought it was just about the father. That is not true. If this curse is her's and these are the repercussions of all these lie's and misrepresentation, then quite frankly after what just lil they have shown me, I don't dare go upstairs alone and explain this. Then have to apologize for the things I've yelled to them upstairs. It's different when you behave this way and get the job done, compared to going up there with my tail between my legs. You think I gotta thrashing from my mother and sister down here. That isn't anything compared to what they would do to me up there. I want to walk away but I can't.

My instructor gave us assignment to write a letter thanking a manager for a interview. I was so spitting mad when I walked in, so I wrote a thank you for the interview, but upon further inspection our mission statement's just don't match up after all. So just lose my number, don't call me kind of thing. I don't want to work for you your an asshole. Hey! After what I learned one day of non participation was mine to take. I'm crabby! I'm never crabby. I'm always cheery and pretty happy, but some things I just don't want to know. Even if it something I need to know about myself and my family. Like can't some things stay in the closet? I hate surprises, but can't one bad thing not knowing, be one good thing finding out? Like a good surprise? I've got this potty mouth now. I've been mad for a couple of day's. No one around me would ever know it. I'm pretty good at categorizing but some day's even I want to hit delete. Hell, some day's I just want the golden carrot. My just reward. If I'm the sweet pea and the honey pot then just give it to me and get this over with. I'm pretty tired of being jacked around. Our bodies are connected to the heart, the heart connect's the soul. I think the heart is the mothers heart and the soul is the fathers. That must be what they represent.

Some of my notes I took earlier. With LiLith they assume the worst but hope for the best. I think the EMUSSA is the Mothers curse. The other is about that buck. Raise the quality but lower the price. So everyone can have a buck to eat. I think this has to do with low quality food and high quality prices. Their is no balance. That pendulum is off balance. No balance no justice. No nutrition. Everything is off kilter out here. So much grey matter I see, a shoveling through all this muck. I see a lot of darkness going down, and that dark cloud being washed away with the tide. I remember when I watched video four or five, I said something about storms all around me? I don't think it has sunk into me just what the significance of that really is. They keep bringing up the storms. It started out three storms but now I don't know. I've been in a few storm's in my life but I've never actually been in a storm. Does that make sense?

03/17/2016

They have been talking a lot this morning. So much to go over and process and I didn't take any notes today to remind me of my thought re-call. Kind of like a rewind in your head. I hope one day to just pull the file and then zing. I got it! I got it faster. Sometimes the way to show me is just way to slow for me. Sometimes they take me back through the same scene to point out something different I didn't notice before. That is the movie point of view they do for memory re-call. Then their is a more physical one, I have to physically go to a place over and over so that I can see, hear, and participate in the process. Only when you participate in something can you truly know how it feels. I guess that is why I said put on my shoes for just a lil while. That is why I am so honest about how certain things made me feel a certain way. So I could understand it and not just in my mind understand but I had to feel the emotion. Their is a wide range of emotions I don't even know words for. Until you are aware of something, then you don't even know their is something to notice in the first place. After that you start to notice patterns. The things that are the same and different. It could be something you notice in someone else that is different. In order to notice something different, something had to of stood out. Something a lil different that caught your eye. Some people see something different and they repel they want to run. It may make you just shut the door and not take another look. Sometimes you just shake your head, because you can't believe what you are seeing is for real. Then you actually hear the words or read them even and you say to yourself. That can't be? I thought some things were a little odd? Like somethings don't quite add u, that if I let go of all my fears I really can live a full enriched life that you always wanted to have? Without things being so hard. Like your always watching your own back, and your just tired of dealing so you settle for something less because it's easier. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Some one afraid to take the risk? If you don't take risk, try something out of your own comfort zone can you truly see what's on the other side.

You know it started to clue in to me that, uhm hey I think I have alil demon inside me? That was pretty hard for me to accept. Then it started to Dawn on me, of course God has a Demon in this fight. Then for them to tell me LiLith was viewed as a Demon. What ever Adam did it impacted not only Eve but his ex wife LiLith. Did he go back to LiLith after the garden incident and just what burdens did he place on her? What did she take the blame for? Or was she just austercized by society and all the good she tried to do it was misinterpreted and labeled a demon? When I realized that Greg was making Alex feel guilty for having emotions and manipulating her that way. I was angry because ADHD kid's are emotional. You think I don't know that just trying to talk to that guy any inflection or movement is seen as bitchy and hostile no matter how much you down play it. To make someone feel bad  for being angry about something that is justified is good anger. Society labels anger everyday every where and it is not justifiable to be angry at someone who is manipulating you and labeling you and making you feel bad for yourself for being you. For standing up for yourself. I told her that if someone crosses the line with you, and it's your body, your energy it is going to take to fix it, especially that label. Always being on guard and defensive for no reason, except that someone else put it there and left you carrying the bag. I could not have her go through that. That is her self worth. Her own father is using that so he doesn't have to deal. So he can just make it go away and not deal with it. It my be the easy way out t for him but what about her daughter? You don't know how many times over the last few years that my daughter's conversations talking about their father that I have said, Really! OMG! Yes he did that to me, but I never thought in a million years he would do certain things to his daughter, because he didn't feel like it.

Kiley was about 15 years old, she worked at her fathers office, she got good grades and had never been in any kind of trouble. She was also going to church. She left her back pack at the office which is just ten minutes away for him to go back and get. He said, no. This was like the first time that had happened. She clean's his house, she takes care of all the animals. He told her she needs to be more responsible. He has not a clue what she went through with Ann because one may of fought Ann but this one just accepted and kept the peace. She scrubbed and she cleaned on command. Ale's room constantly got searched. Alex has worked since she was twelve years old and she has paid for all her own stuff. Usually hair stuff and even tampons. If Ann found one item that didn't belong to her like a lolli pop for instance, Then Alex was a liar and a thief and on restriction for a month. They created a chore chart they used numbers like 100,000 per chore. Alex had to earn so many points to go to work. Alex usually had two and three jobs, always working. Alex loves people and money. It is a good fit, she knows the value of money, but to take down a kid just because she wants to go to work, take her car, her stuff that she is paying for is wrong. This is woman who sat down my daughter and before she even moved in told her that it is not Alex's house but hers now. Her father allowed all this. She was a really good kid. She was responsible. To take responsibility away as a punishment and keep a tally of every unjust by the 100,000's is wrong. I assure you when Alex was home she cleaned and worked in the yard. No down time, so of course when she can be home she didn't want to be.

My girls kept complaining about missing towel and all this missing stuff. Ann's daughter got the master bedroom with the bathroom right off the bat. When they moved out the toilet lid was broke off and the floor and walls had to be re-done because of the damage. Let's not forget the pile of wet towels. Did I tell you Ann was in charge of taking away the points too? One time the Girls were all at home and before the parents left to go out there were five apples. When the parents got home, the five apples were gone and Alex got into trouble. Five girls, five apples with hardly any edible food in the house, you do the math? I never let my children be any man's bitch in the house. Something needed to be done, I did it. Even after their children I cleaned. My point is, my children did not take the heat for me. Instead they took the heat for me and my family in other ways, and their journey hasn't even started in this life. I would say barely.

Men blame emotions on women by saying, must be that time of the month? When no really my time of the month has never affected my emotions. Remember I had become real good at holding in my emotions. Just standing there and taking the blame, when in reality the problem has alway's stood in front of me. Now I don't know if that black shadow has anything to do with this but I'm thinking it does. I might of shrugged my shoulders and walked around it before, after I figure out if that black shadow is my mother? Quite frankly even I don't know what to do with all these mothers. Up here and down there. I should of known that LiLith wasn't just a mother Demon that after God created it, SIN took over for those the closest to it. That SIN hit those women pretty hard. Not only is she my sister sitting in purgatory, but I've got another Mother up there and she ain't non to happy about any of this. The moment Adam blamed LiLith, OMG! OMMFG! What if Eve went to the snake because Adam betrayed Eve with LiLith in some way? What if these two have been sisters over and over throughout lives? Even twins. For me to find out there is a Demon Mother involved, I understood it, of course they would send the Mother of all Demon Mothers for this fight. When I got the tattoo of the Angel on my shoulder, I never really thought of what sit's on the left shoulder. Do I have a DEMON MOTHER standing there? I mean for pete's sake what in the hell do you do with a Demon Mother? Maybe I should know the answer to this, after all I figured out that schizophrenic cloud sitting over my mother is God's Demon? I've been watching her my whole life. My girls said mom, when you do that thing with your right hand like grandma Zina we know there is going to be trouble. It makes me wonder am I going around trying to undue what my mother did? The horrible things she has done to people, I didn't want anything to do with her. She was so evil, if she thought you crossed her. Even if she didn't meet her part of the contract, she would make people suffer for even pointing a finger her way for her own destruction. Greg wanted her around my children when I wasn't around. I was fine when one of us was around or for short periods but not a whole two weeks of her, alone with my children. He just wanted my mother to baby sit and pay for the school clothes on clothes on her limited income living in a trailer in Chehalis. I wanted my mom in my children's lives but not without me, because I could keep an eye on that one with my children. When she opens her mouth sickenly sweet acting all concerned about someone, you knew there was going to be trouble. My Mommy like people weak around her. She liked to lure them in, offer a smoke or drink, maybe coffee, a pill here a pill there even. My mom liked to find out just what they need and be a cheer leader and help them out. When the chips start to fall, she strikes just to get the upper hand. To get control. My mother liked the struggle people went through while she pulled the strings and made them suffer. Of course her making them suffer and pulling the strings was all behind a curtain. N one else knew but me and my sister did. It got to where we could call her next move and the next move. When she stole something from you, it was usually something that was most valuable to you. It didn't matter what you had she wanted it. She will not leave you alone and stop hounding you just to get it.

She would even sit me down with her friends if I had something they wanted. It could be my favorite thing, but if one of her friends wanted something by God they were going to get it. Just to get this long drawn out game over, I'd just hand it over. My mom would laugh and be so excited for the person. You see my mother liked to provide for others, but just who's back that comes off of? Usually mine. If I didn't hand it over and smile then I was a bitch. Remember she is a opposite. Fucking Mothers anyways. I noticed everyone is so angry at the mothers whether it is justified or not. We forget people are only human and they can only take so much, but when the one that burn's you strikes the match, it just isn't acceptable to me anymore. You see Greg wanted a high quality wife but he handed me very low quality equipment and expected me to turn it into Gold. I was like a mouse in a lil wheel. I would go and go and go and all I was doing was burning fuel. You don't feed that lil mouse and give her a break. Just let her be without always poking the finger saying more more more.

What you can't keep up? Well your just a lazy bitch. Food? What you want food and water? Maybe a break? Let me check my clock and see if I can squeeze that in between the fishing and nap time. You know your looking a bedraggled your gaining a lil weight, you might need to exercise more. No you can't go to a gym, you can do sit ups at home. It's cheaper. You are not worthy, you skanky lil bitch. You are worthless to me now, your fire is gone. By the way can I get a blowjob? I'm tired. I went to work. Where is my just reward for working all day? I mean I'm the man of the house and I'm entitled. You are the wife. All I have to say is this "no lovin out of the oven, no lovin in the oven". Hey it's not my idea they took me back. Greg used to like rim job's. One time after Greg got out of the shower, he asked and I went to oblige, and do you know what I saw? A shit ring around his ass. That is what I don't get, men want a rim job, but they aren't willing to shove that bar of soap up their asses. If that's the case then you can kiss the rim job goodbye. While your at it, shave it.  I'm not licking up your shit remnants and boe dagget's.  God Dabbit anyways clean your shit up. What I started to notice is that after the sex who has to get up and wash themselves off? Men do this like it is an honor to clean up their shit. That precious lil white slimy and at times clumpy seed of life. That is pretty much how the generations of women feel or have felt over time. Might be a crude analogy, but hey what can I say the truth hurts. Everything you do outside that bed affects everything inside. It's not a tally, it's just a fact of life. You want Love then feed her Love. Not the bullshit and lies.

I have noticed that the shit is getting closer. That's right I said, the shit. Might be hard to believe but when I was out there I noticed sign's in the garbage and sign's in the shit too. On so many different levels you don't even know. We have a woman in the house, I'm not sure what her mental illness is, (I'm just talking about the mentally ill women at times, their are plenty of women who come in here and they are not mentally ill. I'm just pointing out things I notice) She has IBS and she couldn't clean herself up very well along with the bathroom. I don't do well with this at all. This one needs a home with help. This is not the place for this. A couple day's later I was watching her on the bus and I'm listening to her speak to her brother. She said, the only reason I'm sick is because I'm here cleaning up your shit. She had a bad cough at the time. I was thinking the same thing myself lately, so I knew she was a schizophrenic and I understood just what she meant. I had a cough at the time too and I was thinking of the poison in the air. When you go deeper than the fact that she's sick and talking to a brother, she is mentally ill and covered under God's shroud of darkness, hiding under the burden of mental illness. Whatever Adam did in that garden to Eve it is impacting everyone around her. Is this what blame does? Has blame become the determining factor on who carries the pain? Cause and effect is not only in our energy, our mind,s our heart's and our bodies, it weaken's ones soul.  What did Adam do to his sister? What did Eve do to deserve this punishment? Does the punishment fit the crime? Is it justified?Why couldn't Adam carry the burden for Eve? What of that anyways? What kind of man walks away from Eve when she asked for help, and point blank said something is wrong? What if Adam just turned your daughter away when she asked for help? Now ask yourself this, If Adam and Eve represent Cane and Abel and history is repeating itself again who are you going to trust to have your back this time? I mean how did that scenario work out last time for everyone? People always talk about that garden. I didn't even know the story of Adam and Eve or LiLith. It's really not in those bibles is it? The missing pieces.

Man Made Sin, that Demon Mother. Man made religion, with guidelines and rules, but you got books with only a part of the story. By the books being created with Ego, man is greater women is less than, it started out with a misconception and a lie. Leaving a major player out of these book's is huge. Because of cause and reaction man created The Mother Demon. Now we have demon mothers hidden under the guise of mental illness. Who are here to protect her children. Then let's not forget Mary, the prostitute who was J.C.'s wife and Mother of his daughter. Now we have created EMUSSA. Now I have a Demon Mother and Mother Earth inside me. After everything I have been through and learned about me and these mothers, why I am here, why they have put me through this and shown me my life parallel through there's as they walk me through back through mine. I don't blame them for they're anger One God Damned bit. I had to take out my book of Angel 101 because it was just to heavy for me to carry. I didn't even know that by that night I was going to have a disc the one on the right go out. My family has taught me to pin point my pain now. Just what spot hurt's where and cause and effect through the rest of my spine and muscles. It feels like a huge knife that somebody wedged between two disc. I just want to remove the knife and push it back in and move forward. I can't do that however. I have to find someone who can adjust me and pop it back in like Michael. My insurance doesn't cover it. If I don't get this done quickly my muscles turn to huge knot's around my spine and when it flares up the whole thing is on fire. When it get's like that I can't pinpoint the pain.

When I started this journey my whole body was like this. My whole body hurt inside and out, except my mind. Aside from the migraines and sinus migraines my mind has been clear and I have been able to sustain a lot, because they keep me moving, they kept me fed, and they nourished me by loving me, understanding me and not judging me. When someone tells me what I need to do to fix my life, do you understand that I know the hand that feed's me. It's called Unconditional LOVE. They let me be me and through them I love myself. When you know this inside about yourself, just who's family you carry in your heart and just what that represents, well honey, that represent's LOVE. Their Love isn't going anywhere and neither is mine. Even if I wanted to they wouldn't let me. That is Faith. My family is all about the Faith.

I am so sick of these advertisement's and timers always popping up and interrupting my train of thought. Speaking of trains. I'm watching a train wreck going down right in front of me. One thing I live by is that if it doesn't have a negative effect on me and no one else is being bullied, I don't cause someone lose to lose their roof, the're family, they're life.  I've been there I get it I understand this addiction bug. I'm taking a gamble on this one but I decided after what I told her about some of those demons doing push ups in the parking lot are real. She knows this and she has to fight her own battle. No one can do this but her. One thing I clued into is that she is good, but her load is so heavy. Her mom died not to long ago and that was her turning point. She is lost without her. If she won't listen to my words then there is nothing I can do but putting her outside is not the answer either. She's barely hanging on and I noticed some changes not so good in her physical appearance in just a couple of weeks. The thing is with me is that I never assume the worst about someone. They have taught me to watch and see. Sometimes when you stand outside and really look at the whole picture, you see something beautiful in that train wreck. I see a strong woman, who is a warrior. This one wants only the best for her son right now and he is safe while she figures this out. That is what is important. That she is safe. This one will come back stronger than ever. Hey what do they do in the service? They tear those boy's down and they pick them up. They make them stronger. They keep doing it until they not only know they can, but show they can. Those men just don't make it. They become it. When you find your lion, you find your heart. Right now my brother, my lion is out to pasture with the rest of the herd. The other brothers, who all have shit for brains and when this is over I'm going to stomp every last one of them.

You know what else I do. Even when I break up with a boyfriend I go back for sex. You learn a lot about a person no strings attached sex. Don't get me wrong I'm only human and a woman has needs. I'm not some lil girl either. Why go start over with someone you have already trained? If he know's how to push the right button's then, hell ye's I'm all in. Nothing like a roll in the hay to relax you. I get a whole lot of education and I get something out of it. What I have learned by doing this is pretty priceless. That would be the true colors of someone. Get a guy with his pant's down you have a guy with his guard down. Hey men do it to women all the time. I think this is how I have avoided STD's and one night stands. I'm so thankful I never wore shot glasses for eye glasses. To wake up in the morning I'd be horrified to find out I had sex with someone I didn't even know, let alone even like that way. To clean up some strangers spooge, Oh God! Holly Mother! Hell no! Not me! No thank's! Looking back I kept my numbers low, but my mileage well you can say that is sky high. I still turn over and purr like a kitten. If he's got the know how and know all, I can endure that power drive. Sometimes I like it soft, some times I like it hard. Other times a slow hand with a firm hand to move me right along. I like to bite, I like to nibble. You work me up and take care of me, well turn about is fair play. If you have a guy that doesn't get turned on, turning you on, then you have a problem. If you have a guy who treats you like low quality and expect's high quality you have a problem. If you don't have a great sex life with someone that you fully trust in every way then I can bet you have a problem in your relationship. If I can't trust the man I am with to tie me up then I don't need to be with him. We are not a match. I only bring this up because that demon dog who raped me wanted to tie me and I realized that has to do with trust. I couldn't trust him to follow the boundaries and keep me safe. If you don't feel safe with someone then don't be with them. I was just making a point, it doesn't mean go out and tie someone up and have sex. My point was the trust. You have to trust yourself and the choices you make, as well as the person you are with. Sometimes the cause isn't worth the effect.

03/18/2016

Another holiday and birthday without my daughters. One is in Thailand with mono. She needs to stop kissing so many toads. It sucks that I can't be there, what I wouldn't give to take care of her while she is sick. That is a mothers job ya know? The other is in L.A. having the time of her life, she's been volunteering at the fashion shows. This is very good for her. She leaves soon for Barcelona. That is to far away for me. Two of my daughters in other countries and their is not on God Damned thing I can do about it. I want them to fly but not to far away. Not at this time. First Alex went to L.A. and now Kiley. Alex went to Barcelona a few years back and now that is the place Kiley pulled out of the hat. Yup, that is a random selection I would say. I'm not ready for her to run with the bulls. I want to keep her safe under my wing, no one else's just mine.

You all think that this some delusion I am having? Some kind of blame game not wanting to take responsibility or look at reality? Try finding out things are more real than even I knew about. I'm tired of them bating me with my children and these fathers. Telling me to hold out just awhile longer. I'm tired of having a family I can't see and touch. If you think I don't understand what it feels like to be alone? Think again, I know what it's like to be with someone that you know really isn't for you. You think I should be thankful for all this knowledge that has been bestowed upon me? No one to talk too. No one that you fully trust. I do know what it is like to settle for second best. I know the end result of that and I don't want to go back. Today for this one moment, I just want to go home, today I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to stand alone. Today I don't want to stand. Knowing my luck someone is going to piss me off again. Probably Alex, right on cue as usual.

My mind the last few day's keeps popping back to two scenes. The time I was getting some work done on my ears. The work I had done tells me what is happening to the rest of my body. They said my muscles were stiff as a board and hard as a rock. The term petrified wood keeps coming to mind. I mean if I am he tree of life, and I kept seeing a finger nail chipping away at the bark on a tree, well I have to accept that scenario. Now I just have to keep it under control. If I don't the flare up feels like fire all the way down.

Then my mind keeps going back to another scene. Me and Greg were legally separated and he didn't have custody of the kids. I walked into a parent teacher conference a few minutes late. I sit down to listen to the school counselor telling everyone how Greg has custody of these children. Imagine my surprise. This was news to me and he is doing nothing to fix this scenario. If I say something I would sound defensive. I'm just watching Greg acting all cool, then it get's even better. At night once in a blue moon, I would pick up a magazine and try to tune everything out. Alex and Kiley were not gonna have any of that. It would turn into a game of peek a boo, only I would pop out from behind the magazine and say "go away" they would take of screaming and running. I don't say a word again as I look at Greg going along with this and twisting things around into a lie.

Since the beginning of Alex being in school I had met and or called the teachers to discuss Alex and getting her to focus for all this homework. They don't diagnose children until a certain age, I believe it is 8 years old. Not one teacher or school counselor, told me they thought Alex was ADHD. They kept twisting it, sale more cookies, try this, try that, their must be something your are doing wrong Colleen? I had it right all along they did not. They were assessing her and diagnosing her all these years and not one communication with the mother. I already switched some things around and started doing hooked on phonics with them. Other games to get her to learn. I realized a long time before my daughter is a hands on learner, not a classroom sitter. All five teachers and counselors assessed her to go get treatment. I immediately got her into a specialist in Bellevue, but I fought Greg all the way. You can't keep putting a child on and off theses drugs and not communicate and he wouldn't talk to me just use my daughter to suffer so he can make himself feel better. It makes me angry that the teachers weren't being up front with me. They were evaluating her and they did not have the right to do that without my knowledge. The school does not have that right. It closes lines of communications and it creates havoc that could of been handled so much better. Stop trying to teach these children the same under one curriculum that is only benefiting a certain number of children. Stop with the special names for the special classes. The two things Alex struggled with was math and science.  She had to get tutors for this after already spending all day in class, with homework, more schooling, all around getting to work. Alex has had a full plate all her life, if what they are showing me about myself through her then I don't want her to have a life where everything is just so hard. So many times looking back, I kept asking myself why are things that are so simple three times the amount of work for me? I do my part, I followed the rules only to have to keep re-doing things. That dark cloud a following me around that I didn't know about. She is not going to go through that. Not if I have anything to do with it.

My mind kept popping back to something else that has happened to me in the past. Another case of mistaken identity you might say. A few years back a guy friend in A.A. told me he saw my picture on a porn site. I thought no way. The only time someone tried to record me was my ex-husband. I found the camera on and turned it off and said no way. I got on this porn site and wouldn't way know it, it was a photo of a woman who looked just like me. I was the way I used to wear my hair and make up. It was the same eyes, my body hell it looked just like me. One thing I knew I never posed for a picture, especially in that outfit. All I could think back then and now is all the times my stuff has been stolen, sold or disappeared. I knew then either a woman looks just like me or I was photo shopped.  It makes me angry that I even had to figure out how to clean it up, something that someone else did. Then I have to take the time if it is even fixable. I shouldn't have to do that and neither should anyone else. Everyone has a right to privacy. We fight for our right for privacy then we have become such a gauntlet of information that you can't escape the case of the misguided identity. You always have to explain yourself for something that isn't even you.

Take famous people. They do their job and provide entertainment, but people go to far. We cry out when someone goes to far getting a photograph. You get stalked and followed and they have more rights than you do. Then we stand back and put our heads down as we hide behind the magazine lapping up all that juicy gossip of someone else's made up version of potential downfalls. Those droids, should be outlawed. Anyone can hook up a camera device or bomb. I don't know about you but if it's my land I should be free to run naked if I wish to without someone else turning that into something bad. I admit it, I love outdoor sex. The smells the danger, the freedom of breaking the rules all for a lil heated loving. Having sex is natural, so shouldn't it be natural to want to have sex outside. We are all such nosy nellies. We want to know, we might like the information, but one person put's it down and twist it around and we all turn fickle.  My ex husband and I had sex at the zoo in front of the elephants before we had children. That elephant keeps popping up in this story line. I hope that elephant is a good sign. Being homeless and if you are with someone their is nowhere to go. Pedophile goes on your record for life. You get labeled a child predator, for being human. Don't think I'm skipping over the predators, because I am not. My point is that it is another right we don't have a right to. Imagine having a wife and you can't touch her when you need her most. Imagine being the wife and needing that touch, that understanding for the release that bond between two people that we make so dirty.  So you don't release and then that on top that of everything else builds up. Then we explode on someone else who doesn't deserve it. Losing the right to privacy especially when you have done your job and people aren't happy with that, they want more and more.

03/18/2016

Well they did it again? Another morning spent trying to get something accolmplished. Hey these are their rules not mine. After putting in my time in a place I didn't need to be at, no instructor to tell me what I need to watch, create or make up. I went over to the next building to get one of these handy dandy tracker phones. The flier said at this office on this day at this time. I walk into DSHS in Auburn, only to listen to a receptionist tell me something over and over and over and I only asked once. Finally I said "I got it! I got it a long time ago so you can stop saying "On no not us, we don't do that anymore. That is not our contract, we let that go a long time ago. I go " I got it not your program not your contract maybe out in the parking lot. I heard you the first time around so stop repeating yourself. Wow! People just jump on the defensive covering their own ass, ass they pass the buck around. Out of smokes. I forgot the tubes in the suitcase locked in a trailer church parking lot. God only knows where and I don't even have the code to get to my own stuff. I get to the bus stop and it hit me, that belt that braided belt that Alex gave me. I forgot it was braided and all entwined, I think it was a four piece braid, it's called a fishtail. I learned how in beauty school.

I was sitting in work source trying to apply for a server job, I wanted the job I wanted it real bad, but all I could do was look at the mission statement. I couldn't get passed it. I broke down and I started bawling my eyes out again. It was the uniform. They aren't going to like my belt or the story behind it. How can I tell them that belt is another part of my heart. How can I tell them I discovered this belt is the colors of the flag and just what that flag means to me now. I don't even know if I can go back to the blue and white sweater I used to wear on sunny day's. Oh I need the job and I need the money but to wear a uniform again, especially one that asks me to take off my belt? Then I thought about the clothes I'm wearing, the select few I have now and if someone asked me what I would buy if I could by whatever clothes I want?My answer would be, nothing. It might be  just a couple of sports bra's in select colors that just showed up, I didn't pick them. They picked me. It might be a few wife beaters and now in select colors. One showed up just my size it was red, with a butterfly spreading it's wings in black. Now it has one bleach stain and I don't care, because those tank tops they picked me, I didn't pick them. My torn up levi's and even my red and black boots that I don't want to take off, but in just a day or two I will not have a choice. Those boot's picked me. I didn't pick them.

When this started I made a key ring out of small binder clips that came in all colors at V's house. I put the key to my storage unit on it and I hooked it on the belt buckle of my pants. I wasn't losing my pant's or so I thought at the time. Hey I still got my key's. I hooked it down with a safety pin. I followed heart's feathers and rainbows all along this journey. Then these hair bands kept falling in my path. These bracelets these rings. A native eagle beaded in red white and black showed up. It's like one of those cowboy thingy's the cowboys wear around there neck. On a rope or twine. No it's not soap on a rope. All my coats lately, mine are all in storage and well everything is fine tuned. I pick my clothes out by the weather and laundry. I didn't pick this attire they did.

I haven't got a dime in a pocket book. Hell I don't even carry one. Even the beaded bracelet and necklace I wear that say's words like cherish and love and honor. I don't think the word truth is on there but if I could put it on there I would of. I thought about the resume I sent out to work at a espresso stand, and I don't want to sit in a box. I feel like my family is trying to hide me and I don't want to hide. I don't care what I wear, I don't care what I look like, I might be a contrast a contradiction, but hey society separated God from the native people. I don't care what people think, quite frankly, I like myself just fine. So when someone asks me to take off my belt they better have a good God Damned reason better than mine. Right now I can't think of one.

I'm angry also because I was looking forward to a finger licking pussy of a good time with a side honey dipped cocksicle being served up to me,  Nothing like the taste of honey, the best part is licking all that honey syrup off the tip with my tongue.  I like to lick the stick clean. NOOOOOO!!!! Not my place not my time. It's never my time and I want to play when I want to play, where I want to play and how I want to play. Thy will not mine shit ya know? It really pisses me off taking care of things all on my own. I'm a big girl now, I mean really what more can they show me anyway's? Today I want actions not words.

I just got angry and hung up on someone. Some people who have been around this whole time just don't get it. My patience are done. I am the most capable person here and I can't find a job and get on with my life. People don't get I have to make more than minimum wage. I have a debt to pay off and I found out so much more about that debt. I don't mind paying it not at all, but that is one of the reasons I worked as a server. So I can afford to live and eat. So now I have some information out there that I can't do anything about. It's blocking me and it's not right. They make me look back at all the times or someone else's life has been ruined with all this misinformation of technology. They put me here to see my barriers, to see just what is wrong with this technological issues people have.

You know I wrote that last paragraph about sex to make another point. Privacy. The thing everyone takes for granted. Just because I said I like to spice things up and play outside. Spice it up once in awhile. We are all so locked inside the boxes. We are locked inside our houses, our churches, our minds. We made sex bad. We make women who like sex whores and locker room gossip amongst the guys. Just because I said that it doesn't mean it is open season on me and you have the right to attend or watch. Take pictures, whatever. It's my life and we have persecuted women for centuries for even liking sex and talking openly about it. Taboo right? Sorry grow up out there. How would you like to be judged on your sex life. What I have learned is that God gave us three orifices to enjoy in the privacy with someone we love, but no. People dirtied it up along with the bibles. Right away rules to get closer to God. Who the fuck decided this a man, a pious man at that? If you want to have sex with the asshole then go right on ahead. Clean it up and don't dip that stick in any other orifice until you wash it off. Play away, just be responsible. What the fuck right does someone have to take something that God gave us and place rules on it. How we use it or if we even are allowed to use it. If JC really was with Mary Magdalene his wife, he knew who she was inside. He saw the truth, he saw her fire and he did not care what anyone else thought of his wife. She was His and His only and she sat at the cross while he suffered and died. JC rose above it but I guess man can't. What right do any of you have to tell someone that they want what you have and if they can't have it they are going to destroy you? I see people do it everyday in every walk of life. I sure a man I don't even know thinks I am up for grabs and he's going to give this Bitch just what she needs? Nope not for one minute. After putting together all the crazy lines men have crossed with me over the years, I have decided it's mine and you can't have it. I can talk the way I want. Hell men do it to women everyday, the sad thing is that is they're sister they are saying it to. (No I don't have some kind of JC, Mary Magdalene fantasy, it's just a perspective that they show me)

This concept that man is greater than woman started in all these big books centuries ago and that poison grew and grew. It is a basic concept in every walk of life between man and woman, in a relationship with a significant other, a marriage, your sibling, your niece, your sister, your mother and your aunt's. You disrespect one women, you disrespect them all. That is just the way it works and that is what they see. Are you strong enough to rise above it? Or do you want to let all these prejudices continue on? From what I see after I die, it will be open season on our daughters. We hit them, we slice them and dice them with razors and glass. We belittle them, we call our daughters whore's for developing breast. Something even she doesn't know what to do with. So we tear them down and label them whores and sluts right off the bat. Instead of teaching them, their body is a treasure. It is a gift of life for someone someday. We put parameters on that to. We place our fears upon on children right off the bat. We make them feel shame and then we sell them to the highest bidders. Take that bitch, out with the trash you go. You men all want an animal in the bedroom so you say. What you really want is a model, a cupie doll, a porn star. Someone who acts and fakes it all for you and still looks pretty getting you off. Our kings in the bedroom really have something to be desired. We have young boys who want to hit the floor running and pound into women fast and hard so they can feel like a rock star. Never did much for me. Couldn't feel my husband when he did this move anyway's. As the men get older the dicks get softer. We again have to be patient and understanding. We take the brunt, we take the grunt and say "oh thank you, that was so nice". How was my cum face? Did I make you happy?  Did I serve you well, your highness? You people think if I get hit again I deserve it for speaking like this? What the truth? You men can give it and dish it out but you pussy boys sure can't take it back can you? You label a woman a whore but then you use them. Double standards is another word for entitlement. Am I whore or a woman because I speak like this? I am a woman and God gave me my body and all of it's parts. He  gave me my voice and he has shown me just what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes.

 Probably think you have the right to watch me if I ever had sex outside? What I deserve it and you want to come along and gawk? I never did say I was a voyeur. I was talking about privacy, remember? My ex husband used to come along and turn on porn every time I tried to shut down and watch TV in bed. It was his way of telling me he wanted me to be like that. Now that I'm a lil older looking back, he had that right beside him. He never cared to look at what it was that he had. He didn't invest in me, he didn't participate, Greg just showed up and left me to clean up the mess. The only pride Greg had was his ego, not family. Greg's pride was all about him and what others saw. Another thing try to remember what I spoke about earlier, the stress that this system is causing the men to lose their virility, their boners, and there zest for life. That mojo and losing it can cause a lot of damage to someone inside who can't perform anymore. I'm so not taking the heat on this one. Just some more food for thought.  Ta Ta.

03/19/2016

I almost lost it this morning. I was biting my tongue so hard I started to shake. One of my pet peeves is when I see someone else using any excuse for their bad behavior. I went around and around with a woman. I will call her madam S. She is very mentally ill. Very bipolar, and very manipulative. When I see that someone else can so keenly manipulate someone and hit below the belt just so they can continue their poor behavior then I know they know right from wrong. She was in my way and I continuously asked her to move her green apple and knife to the other side and she started dancing. That mouth starts moving and those jaws start flapping. Reminds me a lot of my mother. She's real good at this. So many times Me and my sister would look at her and say "what in the hell does that have to do with anything?' particularly the issue at hand.

I have discovered that when people are really hurting and they need more help than others they have a fear of rejection. They are embarrassed themselves because sometimes they can't do the simplest things. So instead of asking they throw a rod in your spokes, to make it seem like it is your problem. Some use guilt and shame, some just take away whatever they already offered and leave you empty handed because you drew the line.

It's the ones that when you ask them to do or not do something, they take it personal like you are telling them they are wrong. It doesn't matter what it is they can't handle especially the mentally ill who have been misunderstood and beaten down by society. Don't let someone bait you to take you down, particularly the mentally ill. Not only do they not understand, not all just some, but when you walk away from a confrontation are you going to let someone less capable take you down? It makes me angry because in this house some of these women can be trigger happy and quick to blow at the least situation. How about try not to let the punishment and crime get out of balance. Rise above it change comes from within. Keep your side of the street clean. That doesn't mean be a doormat to someone else's abusive behavior. Some people in life just aren't very rational. Lead by example. Aspire to inspire.

Something keeps popping in my head about people stealing from one another. Some do it out of desperation to feed themselves something. We all feed ourselves something, especially this time around. It's a wall a defense mechanism. Others steal out of spite, envy, jealousy and hate. They are tired of struggling and tired of going without or for others everything is just so hard and they just don't care anymore. These are the ones that are so beaten down they just don't care about consequences which means they don't care bout themselves. If you don't know who you are and if you don't care about yourself then how can you offer help to others? I would say that glass of milk is empty just like that heart. This doesn't just happen out here as I move amongst the homeless, I see it in homes as well. It's just easier to hide inside those four walls. What do you want your family to see when they look down? Someone who is rich and entitled or someone who is poor but has a full heart. They don't care how successful you are with your toys, they care if you share your toys.

It is amazing how things just show up in my life that they want to show me. On my facebook for instance a video showed up on Ancient Civilizations. Another one of those fact finding documentaries that gets to the heart of things. These are the types of shows that show you a deeper different perspective. I ask you can you have a perspective on something if it was conveniently left out? Got learn what is out there first all the good bad and ugly to find the Truth. It is not true if things were left out. Some of it is but there are definitely missing links, missing people, missing places and even items. I don't remember so much from high school as you can tell grammar and punctuation, (some of it is me typing as they speak through me, some of it is these God Damned key boards and slow servers) The other is geology and history. I have discovered duh! I am ADHD not only did I wonder why I would ever need to know this stuff, but I can't sit in class either.

One of the things that came up, "if we don't know where we are or where we came from then how do we know where we are going?" Then something in the Book of Thomas came up. "The disciples said to JC, tell us how our end will be? Have you discovered the beginning that you look for the end? For where the beginning is, there will be the end. Blessed is he/she who will take his/her place in the beginning; He/she will know the end and will not experience death.

Now I love that I said to the policemen sometimes you have to go back to the beginning to fix what is broken today. Humanity vs. Amnesia, did you know that after a war and someone wins it cuts our knowledge in half right up front because we never looked at the losses point of view. We've been doing this for centuries and centuries. We only get half of the story and leave the rest out and as each year goes on more fact turns into fiction or it is forgotten. Funny I just wrote about three orifices and three origins and they speak of this too just in a different way.  If history is written by the victors, then what do we know about the human history of our ancestors. History became Mythology about 6000 years ago. Stonehenge is much older than we originally thought by more than a million years and some dumb ass thought to reconstruct it 1954.  Really? People are always fucking with history with the excuse of good intentions. To me their is no good excuse. You alter history, you alter truth people. Then it went into Anakin and other giant races with proof of life and it is left out, pushed to the side in disbelief or to protect us from our own truth. What reason is there to deny your ancestors and all they went through. When you do this you deny pieces of you and your heritage and family.

I knew those giants represented something. I learned not to long ago about the giant heads in heaven and giants sitting on thrones. Now I see other ancestors who actually had different shape heads and bodies and now I know even more about not only humanity but that the E.T. have been here for a long time. Well before us. Remember it is God's universe he knows all. Hell he's got a huge tribe of angels on all different levels reporting to him. Again it just popped in my head, "I'm not going back up there and saying I failed, sorry mom I killed part of you off, or if I don't succeed will my mother die too?" Not if I have anything to do with it. I want that dark cloud lifted off her head before she goes home. Good or bad that is my mother not yours. If that doesn't happen then she will be honored knowing she sacrificed her heart, her body but never her soul. My mother is just a shell on the outside of who she really is on the inside. I realized today that by my family placing me here, that because they have shown me the underlying personalities of what these women truly are on the inside. They have shown me His lost sheep. Oh yeah in this story line it's my flock I see. I have learned his sheep were never lost, just forgotten about by society. Don't think I forgot about you boys I see you too. I have discovered I have lots of brothers. Just a bunch of jack asses I see at the moment.

The bible never defined who the giants really are. They left that out. Then it moved into the Southern Africa War of 1809-1902. Talk about BOOYAA! The trinity of globalist for control of the Gold. Dumb shits anyways. Wow, I see another trinity that has certainly helped our demise of all nations. Oh I'm sure it's not just here but as far as I have found, we are repeating a whole lot of bad history and you have learned nothing from it. The three involved: Vatican City - religion, City of London - Finances, and Washington D.C. Military. Wow a whole lot of crossing lines here all for greed, later I discovered another wealthy man who may have been behind this at the time. Kruger some guy who all of a sudden attained a lot of gold. He stole it from a train of gold that was never seen again.

Four hundred seventy thousand men from the british empire gathered 60,000 farmers and 60,000 African Natives. They were sitting on gold mines. So they put them in camps until they died off and the same with the African Natives. Let's not forget they took over the land. It seems no one really knows about the African Tribe and their demise, little is know because they were written off and forgotten about. Scorched Earth Policy is where they burned the land and animals and took women and children hostage. Concentration camps started here not with Hitler after all. This was the future of Great Britain and North America.  Mining started in North America and South Africa and Australia all around the same time. Those sink holes I see. They represent.

It was shown how in some of these caves and even at the bottom of a sinkhole. That the walls were smooth like they were done with advanced technology like a laser. It took me back to cause and effect. Our resources being stripped not only by man but outside resources like E.T. I had already been wondering if some of the dark shadows that some people misplaced E.T. for demons that it has caused a lot of confusion of who is the good guys and the bad guys. Centuries ago even the ones who wrote the bible weren't sure. How can someone write a book and not be there, but they ran on assumption. The lies grew and the facts forgotten. Oh yes and the Government is the one who is hiding and locking up some of these caves. So yes they know. It's to scary right? What are you going to say to God when he hits the planet? Sorry God, I wasn't strong enough. I didn't have faith in you after all. It was just to scary to look outside the box of religion and rules and laws. I didn't have faith in my home in heaven and my family.

I thought I was done with the Lakotas and Dakotas but someone posted another video. It was about ten minutes long. It was called Lakota History of Our Sacred Way of Life. The white buffalo, she represents change, the earth will begin to change, man of greed and power will cause the people a great deal of suffering and worry. (try stress and death) She works with The North, East, West and South. she works with great spirits and Mother Earth. BOOYAA! She is a blessing but a warning. So apparently I wasn't done with the Lakota side of things. Aside from the peace pipe to connect with your ancestors and animal spirits. Don't forget about those horses I heard running up behind me.  I wondered why a white woman this time? I said in the beginning I didn't know what category or box to check anymore. I now know what the white represents in the white buffalo. I already said I will not let man decide how lil native I am. All my animal guides and spirits are white. I was told that years ago by a native woman, and I never understood the white part. Why all white? I already covered the, yellow, the black, the red and white. I already said I gotta lil black in me after all. I just didn't know if it was demon or E.T., or that black shadow or a native spaniard I see. The yellow is the sun. I represent the sun or is it the middle East or both? I have a lil red native blood, plus the red in my body and heart. BTW yes I bleed. I don't just represent the colors of this flag I wear upon my ass, I represent all the colors in that rainbow. I also discovered the more I learn the stronger I become. The stronger EMUSSA becomes, because I said I see three storms. I figured me, Alex and Kiley. We represent a trinity. With every trinity stands a father and those fathers are my brothers. That father of seven has three fathers here on this ground and upstairs. Somedays I love the part of "no one said we had to come from one family here on this planet." Everytime I learn something new it makes me excited but I still want to stomp their asses. These guys are all educated in one way or another and they are all to scared to look outside the box. Family! What are you going to do with them anyways? Chicken shit's and scaredy cats is what I see right now. Everyone wants change, not one person can say they are happy with what they see in other nations. If you are then it's your soul not mine. That door is going to close for good this time. Hey they ain't putting me through all this shit for nothing. They aren't making me this strong on the inside and outside for nothing. They aren't showing me the true colors of my family for nothing. They aren't showing me what is wrong in every big book except the blue book. That blue book had it more right than any bible. That blue book represents, traditions and brothers and sisters with a check list of how to attain the promises. Happiness Joy, and Laughter are coming after a exhilarating fight. After I cleaned the fallen Angel out of that pipe I was energized and exhilarated at the same time. I didn't know what I did granted, but I had faith with me.  With faith comes family with family comes heart. When you truly have that you have a home upstairs. You lie to yourself you lie to them to. Remember it's not just the Father like you thought, don't forget who gave you energy and life. No mother, no father, no children. Then what are you left with?

Do you want your children born from here to eternity with a clean slate? We were this time but not after the first heartbreak. After that we get sick in so many different ways. Do you want that for your children and grandchildren? The way I see it it's not a clean slate but a curse that starts over and over through the generations. One way or another either we have suffered or our brothers and sisters are suffering. I have been tempted to go back to that truck stop and just sit on that red rock and see if I feel anything like others do? Like my friend Dave did. Just what is it going to take to weaken it or bring it?

03/20/2016

Freedom! You know this one makes me cry it's a hard one to talk about. You know I don't know if I'm stuck in Cinderellas purgatory or what but just when the fuck is this going to end anyways. Someone asked me a long time ago, if you can have anything in life you ever wanted what would it be? Not those exact words he threw in the money part not me. This money shit just pisses me off. Looking back I kind of felt baited by that question. Turn about is fair play. Men bait women with this all the time. Then when a woman says yes well it's hook, line and sinker after that. Men use it to lure a woman then they club the women with it time and time again. Shame on you you lil whore anyways you only loved me for my money. Of course not I would never go out with you anyways, you piece of shit. You animal, you didn't bring yourself to the table you brought the money. Of course I'm in love with the money not the man. SO then the women discovered the real reason they didn't like the man is because he's not really who he says he is once you look behind all that green. That never ending money tree. The one my ex thought existed. You marry for the money it's the money that is making it ugly. For both the man and the woman. When you marry for money or date someone for money that green turns things really ugly in so many ways. Especially when your trying to part ways. Money can really be abused in so many ways. Money really is the seven deadly sins in this life I see it now. If I had a job and had money no way would I still be doing this everyday and night. Especially after last night.

It's bad enough being forty seven years old and having curfew after curfew. Be on time for meals if you want to eat. The leg work and time on that is huge. You see this transit center doesn't have any stores to hit a deli department close by. Someday's I do a power lunch of donuts and a double shot small can of espresso to keep me moving and not crash. Donuts soak up the stomach acid and well donuts are my go to snack. Other than that I didn't eat sweets or sugar for years and years. Back to last night.

We can be on the property of the church by 8:30. Chores start in that blue house by 7:45. Now if you sign up for a evening chore you gotta be back to do it. That's the deal to stay here is to clean up the mess. So many women sign up for a chore and disappear. SOme nights however you have a small house full of women from all walks of life. You have to pick up your bags for someone to clean and if you have a morning chore those bags are going to be in the ways of someone. The house is still hot from the oven and food. All these people it's a hot mess of bumper to bumper bag's. So I dodge this bullet if I can. Things can get tense. I get my chore done early and if they need me to do something extra of course I oblige. Geneva starts early trolling for volunteers. Some nights Geneva butters you up and other nights she's just taking names and checking on the numbers.

Last night we had to go to a different church for one night. I ran a last minute errand. On this bus line the errands can take a couple of hours round trip. I returned satisfied but before I left I put my stuff in Tinas truck. I would be cutting it close and I didn't need to put someone else out by making them responsible for my bags. Tracy and Jessica have moved in to this truck. So I do my usual car hop method and get in Judy's car. Now when I say Tracy and Jessica moved in I mean they moved in. Tina's truck was so packed and my stuff is under it all. Tracy slept in the truck pretty much all day. I noticed a pattern with this one. This one is starting to have a negative affect on four of us now. I'm not adding to I'm not taking away. Hell I'm trying not to participate but this one has been right behind. It doesn't care what roof it is. If she's got a roof she's will do anything to keep it. She will jump through hoops this one.

Cindy doesn't understand the directions getting there and well I knew she was going the wrong way and she wasn't going to listen to me anyways. She almost killed us like four times. I finally said let's just get this out in the open. It's not your night to drive your having a bad night, and well Judy's almost having a silent heart attack. She just got this car she can't see at night to drive so she has to handle things silently. So I added and well so Judy's about to have a heart attack. Your both stressed right now. I don't wear my seat belt anymore. Most transportation systems don't have or require seat belts and well other cars I'd be lucky to find one. I don't know if a blessing or not that I'm in the car but if they want to take me out this way so be it. Highly doubtful, I've been in quite a few car wrecks looking back. I figure if they want to knock me out and have me sleep through this then okay, so be it. Take me out real quick like. The impact all at once so be it. Now I don't want that I want to be awake and right now I realized the only thing that dark cloud does is sap my energy. It pulls me down and puts me to sleep. Thy will not mine so I don't sweat the small stuff.

I get to the church and I realize this is the first church I stayed in. This is the one I snuck out and prayed at the rock with my right hand in the air and I smoked three cigarettes. Me and Tina were standing behind Judy's car and she tried handing me the keys to get my stuff out later on. Judy's hearing aid doesn't work very well. She walked away confused when I tried explaining that my stuff is in TIna's truck. The one I ride in at night. I looked at Tina chuckling and shaking my head I said "look Tina, now you got my old lady all confused. We are messing up her routine for Tracy and Jessica. Now Tracy has a swollen soar on her face. Infected, oh yes. She sleeping in the truck I sit in and she hasn't gone to the doctor and this started like five days ago. I told Tina, Damnit anyway's I just got Judy trained and now this.

Every church I go to I walk out to the road to get my bearings. I usually smoke out there look around at my surroundings. The four corners, street names and different directions. I now always look up at that moon trying to survey how I feel compared to the moon. Me and Tina were walking out and here comes Audrey setting some unrealistic rule that she couldn't hear in the first place. This one goes to the extreme on everything and she doesn't listen to a word you say. In her mind she's already going off in a different direction and conversation she thinks you just had.

The last place the rule was no going in the kitchen at all for us guest. No drinking fountain but we get our water out of the bathroom. You walk through another small room to get to the kitchen counter without going in the kitchen to get to the pitcher of water they started setting out. I step three steps into the dining area and Audrey starts yelling " now Colleen you can't step in here. New rule from the top. Just got the call. No one in this room once so ever but staff. My reply after five nights of doing this was, "Audrey for five nights I've walked to get a glass of water without going into the kitchen, and now stepping up to that counter to get water is breaking the rules. Still not in the kitchen Audrey. So now every night that it is Audrey's shift, she locks this room down tight. No one may enter this space. Audrey said well Colleen we have our stuff. I come back Audrey in so many of these churches you sitting in the room with us, and you didn't have a issue then. So I took three steps back and stood at the sliding door while I got served my glass of water. Then the next night I hear from someone else that I was in the kitchen. For Audrey to get a hearing aid it will cost her three thousand dollars that she does not have.

Me and Tina were walking out through a empty parking lot to go to the road because I had not a clue where I was at or how to get out of there the first month I was in this town. Audrey is running down the parking lot yelling with her arm waving in the air, "oh Colleen, Tina you can't go over there? You can't walk off the property or leave once you get here. You can only stay in this little area. I was holding back but I did get out loud enough for Audrey to hear me and she would of if she could stop talking long enough to here. Audrey has a built in defense mechanism. That clause, that denial to protect her ass. I said " are you kidding me?" We only have to be in the door by ten o clock. Never have we not been able to come and go. I'm 47 years old and I follow your rules but you change mine? I don't litter or damage anything. Audrey didn't hear a word I said. So I walked away and Caroline who just happens to be here also. Carolyn is a blessing to me. She answers a question with subliminal messages and signs to keep things cool. As I walk up to Carolyn who was patting a drunk woman on the back. It was another emotional roller coaster ride of guilt and shame for this all of her life. From the day she told her mom the truth she was castrated by her mother. Only child Lesbian this one, always apologizing for being herself and going way overboard on the gratitude if you do something for her. I cut her hair. Still haven't been paid. It turns out cant pay me until after the first of next month. This one is a risky credit line. Being drunk in this house is not a good fit.

I said to Carolyn, "are you kidding me." This part is not in any contract. We come here because the other church had plans last night and needed the room. They brought over our bedding, cots and mats but nothing else. I wasn't carrying anything extra for two days. I left it at the other church. we are told that this church wants us to set up tables and chairs in the morning. I have no issue doing it not at all. I do however have a issue with everyone getting woke up 45 minutes earlier to do this when in reality these women sit here doing nothing for 30 to 45 minutes every morning after wake up bathroom and chores. They hurry up and wait syndrome. I drive Judy's car in the morning to drop Cindy off early, so I get to leave and get coffee if I'm low. Not these ladies. No coffee.  Making coffee with Audrey is pretty stressful. It stresses her out anyways and the rules change around it anyways. So you see what happens when a woman can't hear? It impedes on so many. Something so simple to fix and I know she wants it fixed too. She can't help it but Audrey's life would be a whole lot less stressful if she could hear and so would ours. It makes me cry, this one breaks my heart. On the other hand, I want my freedom back. People think you have freedom when you are homeless, and they do not have a clue. We take this for granted and so many people out here do not have freedom. Freedom to be for just a lil while. My time is someone else's all the time and I don't like it one God Damned bit.

Oh Yes, Carolyn said, "Colleen lets just say I am here tomorrow night and I was walking you'd be able to come and go until curfew. I knew then it was Audrey again, getting her panties in a wad because she can't hear things right. Now earlier when I walked in to the church they had like a lil play area set up on stage. It was a cave with a rock pushed aside from the opening. It said " Jesus is buried in the tomb." I saw that and chuckled, I said to myself, "I'm sleeping on that stage off the cold linoleum floor in front of that rock. I even took out my electric candle and I set it in the opening. When I came back in Madam S who got kicked out yet again that morning. The one that I had words with has just set up with her right by mine. I had nothing else to do and neither did anyone else my group usually take off to a store after we set up. I was thinking of doing this last night but no I can't leave the property or cross these lines. What did I do with Audrey. Nothing, I get it. What am I going to do with Madam S nothing. It is just so not worth it to even go there. I realized last night that they upstairs by being around people that are nuts it's just pointless, walk away when you can. Let it go for as long as you can. As long as I'm not misplacing my anger, I'm okay with that for now. Someday I am going to snap.

I remembered last night driving over with Cindy's driving that even if I wasn't aware of it. I felt a doom, a dread, like no matter what I did, I could not revive myself. I felt heavy, not depressed. Why would I pray for peace at that time anyways. I don't have voices I had feelings. I had emotions that I squashed down. My whole body hurt especially the migraines and the fear of the pain and not having anything to take if I woke up with one. I had worked plenty with a migraine. What would put people in the hospital I was so used to it. You can't stop life for a migraine. I couldn't get but 6 Imitrex or Relpax, just pain pills. The Motrin and Ibuprofen would cause my stomach to be on fire. The pain med's as long as I drank a glass of milk or ate a banana it had a short term effect on my stomach. I still took all that first before any pain med. I always started out the lesser of three evils back then.  It was after my divorce I hit a pain clinic and well that was a fiasco if I ever saw one. Never again. I choose the least and fastest effective with the least amount of burning someday's. After awhile of being in pain even if it's just an eight day's of 8 drives you insane in my head. I do my best to have back up pain med's directly on me. Nothing great but in here some things just disappear or it gety's altered. Like my cough pearls melted those lil gel caps and my magnesium prescription turned to dust. Can only get the allotted thirty.

Tina sent me a messgae on IM that she popped my comment cherry on this blog. The irony in that comment is pretty hilarious. I remembered that I was on Cherry street in Seattle when the East Indian man was either taking my picture or video taping me. Still not sure if the point was the cherry or the East Indian man or a meth house? I let the meth go. The timing of the cherry comment was pretty hilarious. What wasn't so hilarious was the IM message Cindy sent me. First one kind of made me mad. A girls list of rules to have serenity. Uh No, again a list of rules on how to be a passive doormat for girls. The other one was a video that I started to watch last night. The one on the robot who looks very human having a conversation and meeting you needs. Here we go again replacing human contact for people. I had seen enough and turned it off last night. I'm sitting in a hot box and I have learned my limits of just what I can take and what I already know is going to be a stressful night.

When Cindy sent me this. I opened it saw what it was and walked away. Still not willing to go there. I'm walking out and Cindy says something about the video just as I hit the door. My pathway just opened and I wanted to walk away but what she said struck a cord inside me. She said "yes they want to start using them in the medical field. I tuned, Really? So again we are replacing doctors and human contact for people. No matter what a computer is never meant to replace a person but add to your life and in some professions this is one I see something very wrong with. It is a direction that I don't like to see. When I was walking down the road smoking and walking away I remembered when I used to look at technology as a good thing. To me technology has taken a turn for the worse yet again. It is destroying us socially, professionally, privately. Leaves us with such a mess to clean up. This mess of information will never be clean for anyone because well when technology breaks the rules on a limitless parameter forever you are never clean. When it fails you and holds you back or down it has just turned my injustice into a justice. A goal to destroy it now for me. This limitless technology is selling you a bunch of goods on improving and being a asset and it has taken down so many people just for being human. No one else see's a issue when we see it because we have excepted all this technology rep;lacing us to make life easier is a illusion. Then they want to replace doctors and surgeons. Might as well now people? In case you hadn't noticed this fickle pickle we have excepted is way off kilter. They created the addiction and put such a fear in addiction they create a panic in the un-addicted. No ones pain is really being treated and the stuff that's natural and can help people and give choices they the Government has their hands in the cookie jar. We all know throughout history that as soon as the Government gets control of something, they tax it they poison it to death, they erode it's original use by lieing and putting a bad label on it. They actually poison us to re-create it for the masses. They create the fear, the create the demand and the black market all for profit.

Our doctors have such a fear of doctoring and helping people already and we are excepting it. So yeah why not let them be our doctors and do surgery and keep treating us all the same? We are being pushed in to information technology being so great that it has outgrown us and our planet is the cause and effect. All for the money tree in information and technology. The Government and the wealthy investors and the ones who are all about by and sale have been slowly replacing your planet. Mother Nature is free, her valley's and mountains were all given to you to feed you for free. What really is the point of all this anyways if we are allowing ourselves to be replaced by all this technology. Technology is pricey and it creates a lot of garbage. What is the point of people even being here. They won't even need the money or the people anymore? As we lose things we are all so buried under the bullshit in the Government that they create the loss of jobs by allowing the price of our food, land and homes to sky rocket all to keep the money rolling in. Then to boot they label us and stick us in a box and put a price tag on your head, for needing help. The boxes so small and all the colors of skin and categories we are placed in our getting smaller and so is the human race. Government is hand in hand in the technology that what they used to mandate and create parameters for they have released to the public and contracted it out. All with a disclaimer when you walk in the door. Disclaimer, disclaimer is every where out here and we all sign contracts and when we sign on for anything the disclaimer pretty much voids you and your rights in the end. Total contradiction and we just keep signing on the dotted line.

So yeah in that last place I went into that I had to get a lawyer and a judge. I burned my finger in the shape of a moon burning a small piece of gauze on Gary's home front. I bit it and popped it and I smeared it across my name. No one saw. That is where I learned they have to put a label on you before you leave no matter even if it was like the doc said. Hell I'm from Burkley I think its great you pray at rocks and wear feathers in your hair. There really are worse things in life right? This is unusual yes, but your having a spiritual experience the doc said. Your not endangering anyone and you are not a danger to yourself. The downfall is he had to put a label on me for having emotions, because its the law. The people around me that I associate with really haven't even hit the tip of the ice berg on what really goes through my mind. What all I discovered in one day.Weather I wanted to know or not they are going to get there point across. No one see's anything wrong with any of this, except me? I don't know maybe I'm just the nut in this house? Maybe it's just all in my imagination too? It's weird how when you put all the pieces together, you start to see a clearer bigger picture? I either have a very vivid memory or a very vivid imagination?

Another thing I learned last night is they are teaching me to focus in the chaos. When I would write my thoughts and pictures and connected the dots, I could sit in the center of all the chaos on the floor and write and tune them out. Hey at times if they aren't bothering me, I have learned not to make contact. Not being rude just focusing in the chaos.

Avicil, Wake me up. Sometimes to find this group I search for inviticus, I forget what that means.
Some things that hit me last night was lupus. Three or four nights ago I started thinking again about my dad having lupus. What about his Lupus I wonder. I'm not ready to look at this, my mind was off in another direction. Sometimes they pull me in deep thought on some pretty heavy topics in a short amount of time. They hit the right buttons that trigger my emotions. Sometimes when things dawn on me it's not good news or it pisses me off. Or sometimes I get happy, full of faith, faith can get pretty cocky. Then two nights ago I meet a new woman here with Lupus, then last night I meet someone else with Lupus. She's showing me her scars even. Deep scars and I remember my dad, that beard he grew. I had to ask, aren't their two different kinds? One of them flares up your internal organs, It is a autoimmune disease, not 100 percent sure on this what autoimmune fully means but I got the point. One of it's other names for this is Wolf Disease. I got it. I get it. I've heard enough on this one. I guess auto would make it automatically there? Perhaps. Is it a good sign or a bad one? Do I even want to know that it was my dad's fate to have Lupus because of me or my mother? If all these people's disease's are because of me? Why would anyone come here and agree to take something like that on for me? Who would do any of this for me? Why would my Mother make me get the point no matter what? Good or bad I got the point after all? Why would my sister here agree to take this on for me? So allergic to everything and it hurts her inside and out. Why would she agree to this? My brother oh what he took on was so much worse. Why? What did I do that was so bad?

I always knew something was very wrong. Like the opposite effect. I realized last night you know I have never experienced unconditional Love myself at least not here anyways. Sometimes even I get tired of striving for something I have never felt, touched or smelled. At least not that I can quite remember anyways. It's like I can almost remember but not quite. I never looked Him in the eyes. I sized up his outside the first time around. Never really looked again. I felt Him but I did not see just another surface exchange. I was always on the go and if I had a chance to escape, I escaped. To turn off, to shut it off alone for a minute. I could have that Menthol Marlboro Long done in three and heading back in the door. It helped. Actually I did look again. He was bald. I started listening not so much looking or seeing. Then it was more about the body language and the expressions I started to notice. Funny thing was whenever I saw Him outside I never recognized Him as the same man I would talk to once in awhile in that restaurant. He looked totally different. Outside is more his element. For the longest time I didn't connect the two men and when I did, the first thought was not another pain in my ass.

I still didn't connect the numbers and the girls. I guess sometimes I'm kind of slow. Or maybe they are I don't know. I've been pretty busy. I got the twin's, seven, ten and twelve's. I got the four's. What about the three six and nine. I heard someone say the three six and nine are in the bible. If it's in one well I'd like to bet that those numbers are pretty relevant in all of them. I got Patricia who is the apitomy of scary. I can strike back I've clued in. This one explained that 1/3 to 2/3 ratio in the end. Oh yes, Revelations. That woman can turn that Bible and make it evil on a dime. Another schizophrenic spelled w.i.t.c.h. at me awhile ago, so of course Patricia thinks I'm a witch. Witch's are pretty scary in the bible. They are forbidden pretty much. I know someday soon I'm going to have to tell Patricia, who do you think is one of the biggest witch's of all? Some people really need to look in the mirror anyway's. I don't even know the bible in order to know how to use it against someone? I'm just acquiring and inquiring when something pops up.

It dawned on me last night the other ways I have been awoken in the night. Aside from my mother turning on the light outside my door, stomping her feet and hacking away. Slamming shit around. For awhile it was the native woman and the wolf, then the demons crawling around my room, I think they are or E. T.'s shaking my bed. Whispering my name and waking me up. I remember learning to ignore them. Then I would wake up trying to scream and instead loudly screeching on a inhale, backing away from something but never knowing what it was. The fat lady who fell through a ceiling and a orange cat in my room staring at me while I slept. She wasn't even in my room but I didn't like Queeny to well after that. I'm not sure when those stopped or if they have. They must of a room full of women would notice. As a teen waking up and knowing something happened but I never knew what. I was like 17 or maybe 15 I'm not sure. I was asleep and I got woke up by a rustling of paper at the foot of the bed. I turned on my lamp and crawled to the foot of the bed I peeked over the ledge and then bam! a couple hours later I woke up I was sitting at the head of my bed with my back on the wall looking at the clock. It was a couple hours later I know that. I wondered what I did. I knew children when they sleep and when they dream they go to another land another dimension.

I mean that makes sense right? Why wouldn't they? If they are a spiritual being, a child of God and the Holy Mother then if they just left why wouldn't they go back to the family they came from? They just crossed over from another dimension. I like that thought don't you? What you think children's live's just come the male and female? You do have a natural knowing somewhere deep inside you that you didn't just start life from that shell you where on the outside do you? Is that even logical? That's right some of you still think JC was the only reincarnation. HHMM! Tough crowd.

So pretty much they are lightening my load as I go on this journey. They are making my burden's lighter through Faith but, even Faith can only go so far. I wouldn't be so pissed off if I could just go back to work on my own with my own money and walk away. I don't like being dependent on anything. Michael even proposed awhile ago. We are sitting outside somewhere and he says you know we can get married and you can receive veterans benefits too. I choked on my own saliva. Are you fucking kidding me. This is the benefit of being a veteran, what I'm looking at right now this is the upside in my life? Now I wasn't going to marry Michael anyways, but I'm not marrying someone for benefits that would require me to live in all this grey matter way below the belt. It made me think that some women would actually marry someone for benefits. I don't know about you but that benefit package and money from the State really ain't all it's cracked up to be. I'm a fully capable intelligent woman and I see all to clearly how these numbers just don't add up. except a big pile of horseshit that is what I see.

Trust, what about trust anyways? Trust what? Trust in what? I don't see one God Damned thing that makes me really want to be here anymore. Even Trust can only go so far. Trust in these so called great spirits? I haven't seen a spirit anything in a long time. I mean I feel them. The spiritual moments a hawk or Eagle will fly overhead. Looking behind you and realizing that was a real spiritual moment. Enough of all this spirituality already I want the real thing. Hey I'm allowed to be angry and scream and yell all I want in my head. I can rant and rave and throw my arms up in the air and say oh come on? Are you Fucking Kidding me? Mother fuck this shit anyways. I don't want to participate no more. Hell you all have the Seattle Sea hawk's, go get those guys. They are built for this shit, getting hit all the time and getting back up. They know how to block not me. I said you don't need weapons for this all you got to have is heart. Chicken Shit Pussy Boy's anyways. To afraid to look inside yourselves.  My family was pissing me off even before I knew they were there. Fucking Bitches anyways. I don't care what they have shown me. I don't care how tasty and enticing they make him out to be. Enough is enough already. I may not of known what was going on in the beginning or just who this really was about, Those Mother Fucking Sisters have had a hand in this for quite sometime now even before I knew who they were. I wasn't even aware they were there in the first place. Took me awhile to figure out brother red, I;m not sure I knew or who him was when I was on that gold mound that day. The day I realized just who was controlling my small intestine and my orgasm? He never did finish the answer to my question before I went into the throws of passion. No guy is welcome to even talk about this part of my body let alone know about it. That was so not okay with me. Not my small intestine being controlled by a guy. Not okay, but I had to let it go. Part of acceptance into the unusual in this story line.

That conversation when I explained how he may not of been alone with me when I thought we were alone. I'm not sure if I knew about the brother thing at the time but Michael's reaction was priceless. I couldn't stand I was laughing so hard. Hey it could of gone a lot worse. he was not happy but he didn't take it out on me. Maybe it was the familiarity of swinging the fist in the air when the realization of what I am saying hits you because he got it. It might of been the familiar rant of "Oh come on, you've got to be fucking kidding me?" I could relate. I explained that at least you were there for some of the most extraordinary orgasms of my life. I even explained that forty minute orgasm when I tried to stop it by getting dressed and doing my hair. They just wouldn't stop and their was no one there. I wasn't touching myself. Phantom sex is pretty awesome. Don't knock it until you try it, but then again, I thought I was alone too. Imagine learning that even during sex I am not alone. To find out your sisters and brothers are there too? That was a hard one to let go.

Then when I would out of the blue get this feeling between my legs that kept growing and growing, getting bigger and bigger as the pressure built up over time. They were showing me how men would react toward me when I felt this way. It was like a huge pressure, not so sexual. I don't know. When I asked Michael like months later, or rather told him what that feeling felt like to me. He explained that is how guys feel in high school. He asked me if I ever noticed any guys in school walking with their books in front of themselves? Nope, not really. I dated a guy who was three years older than me and out of high school by the time I met him. So no I never really noticed the guys like that. Their was one. I got a visual of the conversation he was having with someone else, but he never took the bait to talk about his girlfriend in the sack. I liked that. Back to Michael, so basically it was explained to me how guys feel and the easiest least thing can set them off. I know what horny feels like but this was some of that but more pressure. This could go on for days at a time, I try to avoid that if I can. I guess the best way to explain from a girls point of view, I felt like I was in heat. If a woman can actually be in heat, I was in heat. I didn't act out on it. Didn't touch no one. I did not dare touch a man except Michael when I felt this way. I could get my release. My fix, my drug. No not even. I remember when my mother told me once you have a orgasm their is no going back. I al;ways thought what a odd thing to say. Yeah I was pretty used to the most unusual things being said to me and around me and I just didn't react anymore. To much of a good thing isn't good? or in this case, is it? As long as I don't cross some lines weeelll, I don't know maybe? I do have a free pass ya know? I mean if I pull this off I get a clean slate and so do my girls. All the way down that line. The buck stops here, but no one said I can't venture out. I said I was willing to do anything to save my family. They aren't putting me through this for nothing. Fuck being faithful sucks sometimes. Michael is a problem. I don't ever venture out when I sleep with someone especially if I'm still sleeping with someone I already broke up with.  I need Michael in more ways than one way right now and I can't just hand myself over to someone else. I like having sexual freedom with one person. I don't care if others want to. Hell go out and play. you only live once. To be committed and in a monogamous relationship is all good to me. As long as my needs are getting met sexually, with a added cherry on top of that then I'm all in. Nothing like desire when you look someone in the eye. They just know by the look in your eye that they are the bait this time. I've been told more than a few times I get this look and they get weak in the knees. I forgot all about those times. I remember now. That look when the man becomes my prey and they aren't going to fight me on this one. Hey even women know desire. Nothing like that animal attraction when your eyes connect and you are in full agreement that this is going down. You feel it in your bodies, in your muscles. Especially in your loins. The loins are on fire and you feel a pull, oh it feels oh so familiar. Now the thing with Desire is their is no going back on Desire. You are all in with Desire or you get the fuck out. Desire is tired of the just the feeling's and the games. Sometimes even Desire needs the real thing. Desire likes to let it all go. Even Desire gets tired of being jacked around.

To have desire toward someone else is good as long as it is mutual. To want to overpower desire is bad. For instance, when that Demon Dog raped me. I remember him trying to overpower my mouth. I have a tiny mouth and if you are shoving something in my mouth forcing it and over powering me with your mouth. I don't like it I can't breath and I told him that. He wanted to know why I won't let him kiss me? I point blank told him why. He actually blamed me for forcing him to have to rape me. I looked at him and I said if that is what you want from me, then why are you over powering me and forcing me? Looking back I can see why raping me wasn't so much fun anymore. When you overpower someone and you take pleasure in someone else's pain and they don't that is not about sex but power. People think desire is bad because they think desire is sinful. It is not to have mutual desire with your partner is a good thing.

After desire comes Lust. Lust is not bad. It is how you lust that makes it bad. To lust after your partner is a good thing. Lust brings desire out of her shell. They do go hand in hand if it is healthy. To lust after someone who doesn't lust you back and you can't back off then we have a problem. People are not free to forcefully take something that does not belong to them. If it is not given freely it is not yours. Man put guidelines and rules on Lust, Not God or the Holy Mother. From this whole Adam and Eve thing lust was brought on by the woman and it is her fault to be so desirable to another man? Hey I got a demon mother mother nature, I'm his wife, I'm his daughter you don't think they didn't make women this way if they didn't have a good reason did you? Their is nothing wrong with Desire as long as it is freely given and freely received. Balance people. We are so far off balance. As women get older our sex drive gets stronger. With that I have always been very selective. It wan't so much the looks for me but the Lion I see inside. Let's not forget about passion. Passion goes on and on even when you leave the bedroom. Passion is hot and steamy.

03/21/2016

A few things have come to my attention again the last few days. You might think I tell you everything that happens everyday. Not even close. Life is pretty stressful when it's not your own. I mean really I want this shit over with. When you are a Mother especially one with a crooked halo like mine. I mean can I really do wrong here? I know the things I don't want to do. That would be to go back in a box on every level of the mind. Did exactly as they asked even if I could see that my actions aren't going to result in positive consequences. They always let me know in their own way that my ship is going down and I'm not going to like this step. Yeah! I knew what was coming at times even before the shit hit the fan. Of course I didn't particularly like the way they told me. Really the answers are in the shit. Mother Nature's shit, The fertilizer shit we get fed everyday. Oh the poisons in just one lie. Cause and effect really suck here. The shit with our water and septic systems. The shit this system is made of and last but not least my shit. Mother Fucking Assholes anyways. I was talking to the ones upstairs. I hate it when they push the boundaries and limits myself. Nope Colleen you've got to deal with your own shit as well in this one. I say "oh hell no." Maybe later but not now.

No one wants to die, even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there, and yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for new.

Steve Jobs

In truth it is only our shells that die. We go on and on. We've just created so many boundaries, rules, and classifications that all those rules you follow create fears. You are made to fear something you don't even know about. Oh the brainwashing I see that has happened here. I think one of the things I am picking up here is that Satan and evil and EVOL has transcended into technology. You don't think technology has subliminal messaging? Take that guy who drove the Uber car and he blamed technology. Wow! That was a bell a ringing in my head. Remember I only get bits and pieces of the news here. Has anyone ever asked themselves just why couldn't evil transcend. They turned our Love around and made it Evol. Woman is taking the heat for the Apple and what ever else transcended that day. Women are the evil ones. They turned our children our boys against us from the start and now we are losing our daughters and our homes. Why can't evil get technical? We have become technical. We nit pick the crap out of each other, everyday. My God people lighten up.

Another thing that came up about being gay that keeps popping in my head. We blame being gay for pedophilia. That is so narrow minded it's not even funny. Statistically speaking our predators are straight. Some one said 10 percent of the people are gay. That would make 90 percent not. Oh the Boy Scouts not very christian I would say. Being a good person is about morals, principals and values, and traditions. Traditions brings people together in celebration of life. That is what you carry inside you. We all have a heart don't we? Lighten up people. Stop being so hard on yourselves and each other.

Do you really think that God and the Holy Mother didn't know in the first place what our body parts are and what we were going to do with them? I mean really that is human nature. Just because you enjoy those edrogenous spots it's doesn't make you gay or a Lesbian. We put the label on body parts a long long time ago and because we enjoy what our parents gave us that again makes Sin bigger. By this happening we have removed the freedom in Love. Since when is Love not free? As long as it is mutual and freely given to each other in a beautiful exchange of energy that is the magic in LOVE, Love grows. Freedom grows. Freedom rings. In Freedom we find truth. Truth in our Love again.

You know I thought about some of the names of the people in the news lately. The criminal cases, just the names alone is a sign and so are the crimes. What about the guard in a prison who got attacked and the cameras went out. You know we rely to much on technology for our safety, Cameras give you a picture but they do not protect you in the moment. No ones word is good anymore. Have to have a recording, a record, a picture. More laws in that one. More ways to destroy someone. More technology cost more money.  Just what is all this technology really costing us anyways? Out technology has out weighed the good. It is taking us down by making us so dependent on it.

Just like the pills. The ones that control our emotions so we don't feel. Got a whole mess of those, just nothing to heal the pain. Getting through those emotions will solve the problem of all of those pills. We become more aware of ourselves and we become stronger. No I don't mean quit cold turkey. Awareness is a start, then once you see that create a action plan with your doctor or alternative healthcare professional. Investigate. My point is weather it's a sleeping pill, or upper downer, it is all numbing our emotions in one way or the other.

You are probably all wondering why I don't go back to speak to my mother? Oh Hell to the no fucking way. She would be another one of those people that the consequences far out way the benefits. Not worth it. My Mother is so fickle and misguided that she couldn't even comprehend just what I was saying. I would have to have a couple body guards standing by my side for this conversation. The last time we parted ways, one of us went to jail and for the first time ever in history it wasn't one of her children. Those tables turned. No one should go to jail for defending themselves. We can't even attack a attacker or someone who broke into your home anymore without running the risk of you going to jail. I was not happy at all she pulled this stunt in front of my daughter. That is why I have divorced her for most of my adult life. I always hated the word CUNT. If their was ever a CUNT in my life it was this one. Why do you think so many step daddy's walked away with just the clothes on their back. Well mostly the last one. To defend us as children against her was just not worth the hassle. We were pretty much all on our own in our family.

On the other hand I am not releasing her from any of her behavior toward us. I wasn't released and neither will she be. As far as I'm concerned I'm not lightening this woman's load. Fuck no way. I'm leaving her up to those ones upstairs. I had to walk through the muck and all this shit she put us in, then so shall she. Talk about purgatory, This woman wouldn't know humility if it bit her in the ass. I'm just to tired of that song and dance. I might see the bigger picture and understand, but I saw and heard some pretty fucked up stuff that as far as I'm concerned she can sit in her own hell awhile longer. I could be a real bitch and have this conversation and then call the paramedics to stick her in a box when she snaps. Wow! The word temptation has popped up the last few days. What is all this temptation all about anyways? Tempting but later on I might need her out here. Right now she doesn't have a negative impact on my life. My sister on the other hand not so much. For my sister that revenge would be tempting and justified but I'd like to have that conversation with my sister first.

My sister and me never could understand how she could still be alive? I mean if Karma is such a bitch then lets bring that Karma bitch on. I mean please let's see it. Oblige me please. Some times compassion really sucks. After my brother died in a car accident, I overheard her on the phone telling a friend "he is nothing but a bad seed anyways." Even in forth grade or fifth I couldn't believe she blamed him and labeled him for his life.

The cousin that he was in a car accident with lived. He was not the same. A guy kept calling the house and his speech was bad. My mom would cuss him out and slam down the phone. After so long of this she says to me, that it could of been my brothers cousin calling. I did not re-act. I wanted to cry. I felt horrible to have that happen to him and his cousin died and he tried to call Todd's mother and she behaved like that. I felt a big sense of sadness after that. My mother could never think first. She always over reacted and went to the extreme. The damage she did to him if he was calling. After awhile my mother made me angry. I knew at a very young age that all my brother ever wanted was his mother. The animosity from her to him was horrifying and unjustified. She abandoned him and blamed him at a very young age and never once looked back. Not that we could see anyways. Sometime in High School my brother would tap my mother on the shoulder and wake her up. Just to let her know he was there. She yells "God Dammit Todd knock it off. That pissed me off. How much more of a clue does this woman need? He stuck so close by her this whole time, even in death she denies him. Mental illness or not she hid it well and there comes a time in your life you need to wake up. If someone can hide this that good then whatever they deem necessary I have  Faith that she can handle it. I'm not the one to grant salvation. I don't trust myself. My goal is not to strike down anyone less than, that truly doesn't know better but hey I'm human. There was years I avoided her for fear I would punch her in the face. I despised her blood running through my veins. I don't know but two demon mothers at each others throats and that woman doesn't have a rational bone in her body. Well my words are bigger and scarier, not a fair fight. Especially I don't know cause end effect on my sister. These Mother Fucking Mothers drive a hard bargain. Ones in such deep denial and the other is hurting inside and out. Not a fair cause and effect.

I think it was my young twenty's that as I learned something new and devastating about my brother I literally felt like a two ton ball just bounced off my body and I didn't move. I could hear it and feel it. I remembered yesterday the first time I blacked out or almost blacked out was in the shower on my sisters wedding day. I thought I was sick, but looking back there were other times this has happened. It happened a lot in my marriage. I didn't say anything. I truly didn't complain. I'd have to fall out of the shower and hit the cold floor to avoid passing out.  I'd stay there until I could start to get my eye sight back. Then the shaking would come on after. I really think the last time that happened was before my divorce. That went on for years.

Forgiveness toward my own mother? What a concept. Someday's yes, I mean to be strong armed on this one. I mean, hold man kind over my head. Humanity, this planet and a side of your daughters to boot? This one would be a tough call even for me. I mean if I was the one that was truly making the call? No consequences? You'd bet your ass. This woman could turn the truth into a lie with just a flick of the tongue. She would berate and hound and beat you down. Her favorite thing was public humiliation, to belittle and prove just how tough she really is. If I didn't have to hold back anything? Shit would my anger be pointing in the right direction? Their they go again. Reminding me of just what it is I know today. Am I  the same person today? Yeah in a lot of ways I am. One thing I always did was let it go after a few years. Then just step back in until it fell apart. When my mother took someone down if she couldn't turn you, she would do anything to destroy you. She was real good behind your back at sticking in the knives and smiling to your face, like nothing is going on. It got to where I could tell anyone that I could see she wanted to take down, exactly what she was going to do to test your loyalty to her. Then your stuff is going to start to disappear. Then the lies, the threats and the law. This uneducated woman could spin the law and keep them hopping. If their was something going on you can bet my mother was involved. If she wasn't she got involved and help take down another opponent. Talk about a Evil Cunt. What she did to her best friend in a wheel chair is just to horrifying. I ask this, would you want this woman as your live in health care worker? What if someone like this was taking care of your family? Would you trust her with yours?

That was the thing Greg loved to do is use my mother as a weapon. Now Greg knew my Mother and he did not like her. I didn't blame him. I told her like any other guy I brought home, just what to expect. She is going to joke with you and punch you as hard as she can? Always the first meeting. So Greg got a heads up and he punched her back in the arm. From that day forward she did not like him. For Greg to ever say he did not have a clue how fucked my mother was in the head, would be pretty blind. I really only liked my mother around my children when they were young, and we were all usually in and out. Now I loved my mother and I truly wanted my mother to have a healthy relationship with my children but not unsupervised. Even if I wasn't speaking to my sister she was usually in and out too. Greg would drop those girls off and not really look back. Does anyone have a clue what label Greg placed on my head? Really, I never exploded. I didn't even have a clue just the damage this has done with my relationship I have with my children today? Both my girls have figured her out. Especially Kiley. At a very young age like eight or nine, Kiley would tell her if I come over you can't talk about my mother. Kiley was throwing up from anxiety and stress every morning at 6:30 by the age of five. I have Faith in how truly strong this one is. Even if she doesn't know it. I mean it was Kiley who brought me that bag of apples during that first two months. Before I even knew there was even a apple in this story line.

Alex is pissing me off again today. Talk about strong will and blocking. It's the word denial I worry about. The kind that you just really don't want to know but you know? Alex just wants all this to go away. She's having a good time and she doesn't want anything to jeopardize it. She just want's me to get a man, a lil dog and live in a house. Put a big bow on it and call it a day. Try being a daughter who is energetically and spiritually connected to me? Their are just some personality traits I just don't like. If this one represents those ten well then it puts me in a quandary.  She's not a rock for nothing but wow even if I could spell out "disrespect your mother" with a photograph of her, she would block it out. Alex wants things just so, and she wants to put me in a box. She thinks I am safer in a box. Tucked away safe and sound. Alex wants me with a guy she can trust but this one is easily swayed. She's tired and she wants to take the easy way out.
Right now Alex's point of view is, mom take a dive. Take the easy way out. This one is so scared for her mother. She knows something is coming up, hell they both do. I have always had Faith that somehow things will just all work out. That it will all be okay. Now that I see just what I see, the bigger picture is going to be spectacular. Like nothing you have ever imagined in our life time. These girls are going to have a blast of a life. Keep the Faith. This Mother will feed her children her milk. Written in the stars, written in stone and signed in my blood. This is my family. My family was here first and my family is here to stay. This Mother is the Four Square, These women are the Trinity. Now double up or double down. Bottoms up! She's the one. She's the Joker, The Diamond in the rough. She's the white Hawk, The White Feather, The White Lion, The White Ram. This Mothers fire is coming back, so are her wing's, so is her light. So is that a black heart I see inside of me? Is this really about my red heart. Oh yeah, in case you didn't notice my heart represents the black heart, the red heart and the white heart. It's just my ass that represents this Nation. You know that red white and blue flag people have abused and forgotten about. As it's burned, stomped on and disrespected. As long as you have Faith, you have your colors. Faiths colors don't run.

I also discovered that some of these demons we carry on the inside or in the parking lot, you choose. You know the ones I'm talking about. I discovered as we slay some of these demons, those are our dragons from another lifetime. Some of these demons were never meant to take us down but make us stronger for the big day. This is payback for all those bones my family sacrificed. You know all those skulls you think are so evil? Those skulls are inside us. They are a part of yesterday and today. Man turned skulls evil not God. Our bones go back to the ground and replenish the earth. Skulls does not mean death. Skulls mean a new life a new beginning. Don't let Satan or whatever fear you have inside you hold you down. Anything they turned Evol we have the power to turn it back around. That is the key to freedom, enlightenment and happiness. It starts inside you. Turn that frown upside down and that negative into a positive. Some lessons are just teachings. You can't make a change until you become aware. Don't get caught up in all the riff raff, all the small stuff. Rise above it. Now that I have enlightened you that JC really is human. He was just a man. Just a man like you and me. Even JC get's tired of hiding and living a lie. Let his daughter out of the closet, let his wife step into the twilight. Let the power of Truth set you all free. Let's stop abusing Truth. Stop fighting Truth. Let's set Truth free. Truth should of never cost not one God Damned Dime. Truth has always been free. We put a price on Truth. SO did the Evil one and his henchmen. That tribe of Satan's Fallen Angel's. Truth get's set free and Satan goes down once and for all. Power in words, power in prayer feeds the heart.

03/22/2016

Our lives improve more when we take chances - and the first and more difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

Walter Anderson

Last night I got to thinking about Sin and purgatory. They have taken me a lil deeper. Then they were showing me more pictures of me and my ex husband and boy was I spitting mad. I don't know why I didn't speak up more back then. When I was being accused of something that was just his opinion. Like every weekend in California Greg just had to get out of town. I might of told you this one, or wrote it somewhere else as I connect the dots. I had to do all the errands prepare all the food, pack everything we will need and get it loaded. All so Greg can have everything ready. Usually when we traveled I had two or three other people with us. Greg's guy friends. It was like being married to five men. It never occurred to Greg that hey I work. I work long hours or two jobs. I don't shop hardly at all. I permed and cut my own hair to save money and if someone gave me clothes and if it wasn't my style or to big I altered it to my style. Usually when we traveled I was the smallest one and I was usually packed in like a sardine in a can for long hours. My car is not air conditioned at the time, because the year I bought my sister said, what like your going to move to California or something?

I got out of the car sat down for a few minutes and Greg looks at me and said I was being rude by not helping. That was Snake River in California. They keep taking me to this scene and others very similar. They were showing me when we went mushroom hunting with Greg's parents. I had climbed down a cliff over looking a river. Greg knows I don't like heights, but I did it anyways. The tree curved upwards a few feet down, so climbed into the groove between the tree and the cliff and when I looked up under the moss I could see all these masataki. It was a stretch but I got a pillow case full. I'm talking to Greg as I navigate getting back to the top with a full pillowcase, I get to the top and Greg is no where to be seen. He left me there without saying a word. He left me hanging literally. I had never been in this forest before. I really had no idea where I was at. Do you have any idea how much those mushrooms were worth, I could of been raped or robbed, and he didn't think twice about his actions. I also discovered why I didn't say anything. When I just called him out on his actions on this last example. I said, "Greg how could you just leave me out there?" This is where things would become my fault. Greg wouldn't take any responsibility for his actions, so he got real good at saying, "no Colleen, now look what your doing?" You laying the blame on me. He would twist it around by laying blame on me for having a re-action to his negative behavior.

It made me think about when someone is abandoned, neglected and emotionally abused in a relationship how much damage does that really do to someone inside. It didn't matter how I worded things before I brought anything up, I was wrong for having feelings. I have discovered my feelings were justified after all. I may of come from a fucked up family but I knew the difference between right and wrong. I heard the word child abuse and I sat my ass in counseling. I wasn't passing that on. I went to group counseling and pre-marital counseling at my church by myself. I got Greg to go to two one on ones with me. When I told my counselor about my mothers extreme punishments, he said, Colleen Run. With this same counselor with Greg, I remember he looked at Greg, and Said, "how do you think things get done around you, by magic?" He treated my girls the same way and they don't realize it so if I even try to just explain anything they think its about blame. I literally have to say remove your father from the picture and put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if it were you? Cause and re-action how would you feel if someone is manipulating your children so much they won't even take a look at who I am. Not what someone else made me out to be. Truth be told their was never any reason for it. I like things peaceful. I wanted us to both parent even after the divorce to be a team but he wouldn't have any part of it. I'm just giving examples about me for my children to learn from someday. When you make Truth a lie, you make her a liar.

It also took me back to when saliva hit me just right in the back of my throat. I was embarrassed but I couldn't inhale to cough even. Greg walked away from me and left me behind the shopping carts on the floor choking and trying to breath. Would you walk away from your significant other or spouse if she were choking? Is their really any good excuse?

It occurred to me walking home yesterday that Sin has an awful lot of power. That we the people who put stock in Sin are making it grow bigger and bigger and they are giving it power. Man or Sin Or Satan keep Sin alive by creating the ego and the rules of Religion. You know the ones that created rules for you to be closer to God? The one that made rules for man to get into His house? When this happened it gave us permission to point fingers at the others that they felt were sinning by not living within these rules and guidelines that he did not create. We did. The more we keep doing this the more we separate man kind. This is the biggest separation and it is very abused everyday because we have been led to believe a bible, that has been changed so many times, keeping some facts and tossing the other facts out. That was how we created assumption. That when we packed up this one book that we took from other books here and there it makes the whole story of what God intended, not true.  Their is History, but when we change History we change the truth. As human we like things compact and broken down so someone else can tell us what to do and it is just easier that way right? Then ask yourself is it really easier to keep Sin Rampant? Awareness is the key here. Now ask yourself is some of this behavior very God like? This Sin is keeping that dark one growing bigger and bigger. Cause and effect this action alone of Judging has been compounding over the generations. It is holding us down and making us less powerful and the dark sides I see here stronger.

The more we hurt, the more pain and suffering we are in makes them stronger. By our emotions being numbed and told they are bad or some form of mental illness so they put parts of us to sleep without really healing any pain. Pain in the body and mind and heart can make you paranoid of the pain, paranoid of not being able to function, then we have anxiety, then we needs anxiety pills then sleep pills. Something that suppresses but does not heal over time makes our pain more compounded over time. They are controlling our medicine, the pricing, our food our poison and how we process it in our bodies when we have a allergic reaction, then we are taught to tolerate the side effects. The cost of healthcare and procedures and how and when we are treated and how we are paid and our doctors are paid is just one cluster fuck of a mess that wreaks havoc on our systems and our bodies and our minds.

Now lets talk about that purgatory. Who created purgatory anyways? Was it the Catholics who placed guilt for not following their rules? Purgatory sounds pretty scary right? To be stuck in suffering forever. A zombie like mind stuck on repeat forever and ever. Like a record skipping and playing the same thing over and over in your mind. In the beginning even before this started, I felt like I was living in someone else's purgatory. I didn't really believe that God had a place like this in all those layers and dimensions in heaven. I mean do you really think God would have a place like hell in His house? Doesn't sound very Godly to me. He would just kick them out. He got His minions for that.

No, purgatory is a Hell side of things in this dimension. This purgatory here on this planet is in our minds. It's a scare tactic to keep your asses in line. Put there out of fear. Now don't get me wrong their is a purgatory in Hell but not upstairs. The illusion is the generations of generations throughout history compounding that fear and we keep passing it on and on everyday. Purgatory is another word for guilt and shame. Has anyone here made you feel guilt and shame for something here and you accepted or it keeps hanging around in your head? It just keeps popping up making us feel really bad about ourselves? See how guilt and shame burrows it's way under your skin and in your mind, then we get re-active and defensive about it? We get confused and all out of sorts,for something that evil created not Love. Regardless of your intentions, if your good intentions tear someone down and make them feel less than because you think they should, is that your job in the first place? To tell someone how to walk this journey? Making you aware of your actions, I hope makes you think twice about what you place on someone else. Stop making people feel guilt and shame and take the power out of purgatory.  Release your brothers and sisters from their suffering.

I was thinking about how JC was put in some other countries jails, locked up in a few places. All because other King's thought they had the right to control JC's fate. Didn't King's just randomly choose religions and they fought wars about religion and their countries, so they took it upon themselves to decide His fate. A poor man who had not really done anything. He was peaceful, but he was different. So in the last place he was at he was whipped. For what? So man can have power over land. Power over determining what God's plans and History really is? They had someone that was peaceful telling them the truth, but fear and greed stepped in the way. I mean why should he speak to them, they already made up their minds to punish Him. Reminds me a lot of our justice system now. All these laws and fines. Cost and timeline on procedures making these laws and processing them in the time and the manner they choose is not justice anymore. That man was a human being who told you the truth and caused no harm, man did. Paranoia grew rampant and we killed Him. We tortured Him. How Godly is that? What right did anyone have to choose JC'S fate in the first place? After that things turned real bad. This may look good to you right now when you look outside, but all this help is a illusion that is killing us off.

I think we went from Adam and Eve, ya know we created the lesson of Truth and blame? Then truth always has to fight that label. Even I wondered why Eve caused this and ate the poisonous apple of Sin. Then you know women became less than, they took the blame, and carried the shame, the guilt inside. Ego you don't cross the man. You don't cross the Father. You cross that Father, that husband, that brother then you have sinned. What if that Father was abusive? What if that Husband was abusive? What if that brother was abusive? What if his ego was so big he took the house of cards down? Their is only justice in Truth, their is no justice in lies.

Then let's go back to JC, who comes here to try and straighten shit out, and no one would listen. People took bits and pieces of Him along with those birds a picking at his flesh, in the hot Son. So then with each little piece they created Truth. Right from the truth man kept going with Ego and continued on with the women taking the heat. To the point of our last time around. Piss God off once, Piss off His Wife, Piss God off twice Piss of His Wife two times over. Do you really think they are going to let this go on thinking that Brother stands above the Sister? As you have burned out these Mothers candles, they are eroding away and slowly dying out here. Along with your Mothers Love. That is right, your Mother only has so much energy to go on this way. What happens as she becomes less and less and disappears? Grow our babies in test tubes and special orders? Not necessary to copulate anymore. Right? Without your Mothers essence, from her gene pool, you lose the Love that connects you to this planet. That is why we keep coming back. For her, we come back for her and you don't even know it. You lose this planet, you lose the Love that feeds you. You lose that special Touch. You lose the Mothers Touch, that only you can get from her. No Mother, no milk, no rivers no oceans no lil fishies. Sperm won't be necessary anymore and neither will man. Neither will you have mountains and valleys. No moon, no sun, This is the planet that opens your eyes to those twinkling lil stars. This is prime view I would have to say. Do you think heaven see's our stars from this point the same as you do standing on this rock? Nope you have to come here for this view. This view is a one of a kind view that you just can't get anywhere else.

 We keep coming back here to fight Evil and Evol so each time we keep arriving up there we transcend higher and higher. It's dragging us down, it's gotten harder and harder to transcend. No balance, no transcendence. As he gets sicker we get sicker and we become more dependent on them for everything. They put our minds and bodies to sleep so we won't notice. This planet is not some fantasy land I created in my mind. Hell I can't even make this stuff up. I'm just not that creative, I know, maybe I have osmosis? Maybe I just created a real big fantasy life inside my head? Maybe it's my families way of teaching me about the monkeys and those nuts I see. Is this a story about the bananas and the butts this time? Is it the banana tree I see or the elephant tusk?

OMG! Some man just pissed me off. People expect to have a smoke free environment outside. People can't smoke inside right? What about the air we breath in everyday? The Government put the poison in the smokes, which causes all this cancer. Our own Government is allowing our air quality to be poisoned everyday. Now we are fighting each other blaming each other for all this sickness, all this cancer, all this poison. Does anyone else see how it is even logical to keep squabbling about the smaller issues, let's look at the bigger issue of just what is causing it. Fix the bigger cause the smaller issues dwindle away.  The way we are going is not a good direction. Squabbling and fighting amongst each other. You want to lessen the power in the evil of our corporations, stop using the service. These services they say are here to help us as they nickle and dime us, our bones turned to ash. We waste away. The services they provide out way the benefits we receive.

They showed a list of values in class. Then they had us separate each value by our personal life, our work life and our people life, (social life) I was having a hard time categorizing these things, because I think having values is important in all categories. I tell Eric this, his answer was "Colleen you can't have all of these things in all categories everyday." It's just not possible, not today anyways." M eye got caught on Health benefits. That word health benefits stressed me out instantly. It was categorized as a value under employment. Health insurance, that categorizes you in one box, places your value and worth in another box. They decide what your healthcare and choices on everything is. How much we pay out vs. the benefit we receive. Stressful to me anyways and a whole lot of others who were just like you because you thought it would never happen to you. That you would always be covered. The less covered the higher the price tag on that label and your quality and your self worth. I looked at Eric and I said, "Well Eric it looks to me if you had everything else in your life on that list in all three categories, I'd just bet you wouldn't find the need to put healthcare as a value. It should be a given.  I mean Eric if we all could have a quality life like that we wouldn't need healthcare anymore. Remove the power of healthcare. Devalue you raises the price tag. Value you and remove the cost and power in that price tag. Won't need the services and the pills and all the high cost and high stress. We won't need all these rehab's and homeless shelters. We can burn them out. Remove the need, remove the demand, change the parameters, remove the power in healthcare. This healthcare system is a oxymoron if I ever did see one.

Know what the topic was today? Turning a negative into a positive. Funny that, I'm taking a class through the State teaching me of all people, how to turn a negative into a positive. Sound familiar? This is a six week class, four hours a day. Three hours in class and a hours homework every night. All four of us different degrees of homelessness. Monday through Thursday and if you miss a day you can come in and make it up on Friday. I missed Thursday, I sent a e-mail that he didn't bother to open and read, I came in on Friday, did what I could do for the class on the computer, I put in my time. I followed the rules. On Monday Eric tells me "Oh Colleen I forgot to tell you guys, that I was going to be out of town that day. So you have to make it up again this Friday. I looked at Eric and I said "I can't do that," I'm driving someone to the hospital to have a procedure done she scheduled it three weeks ago. He ask's me "what time?" I don't know what time, I didn't think to ask, we live together, we drive together and I had the day off. I was free to do this. It didn't matter. Then he say's "well figure it out," because if you can't be here between 8:30 and 11:30 you can go to Highline in the afternoon. I have no idea where Highline is. I walk out of the class and Rob tells me it's in West Seattle. Are you kidding me? Now what makes me mad because Eric throws around the word integrity. Especially about committing to that extra hour homework to get in our 96 hours. I told them in the beginning this programs expectations and time commitment and dedication don't match up in reality of what people who are already stressed out. They have to try to get here and have a place to do homework at night, plus get to all the other appointments. Catch a bus try to get a meal. Some drink, some do drugs, legal and illegal. Some are mentally ill, well a lot are. Pain affects us all differently. Some of the issue's are all these land lord tenant scum lords and strong arming people that are weaker. Some don't have families and some just fell through the cracks. For being human. The human are being blamed for snapping under all this pressure. Look inside your home, do you see anything really different. The only thing that stands between you and these homeless is a wall.

It's a great class but we wouldn't need it if people could live a quality life. We wouldn't need the food cards and all these marked up prices and consequences to use it. I get why some, not as many as you think swap the ebt for drugs. They aren't given a choice. They aren't getting help with these doctors. Take away the bigger power, make it weaker, all this lil bullshit will work it's self out. Then the people can get their power back on the inside. Empower on the inside gives you power on the outside.

03/23/2016

Maybe telling you what happened will lead me in a direction. This is a wonderful example of someone blocking you when you even start to ask a question. They answer it going off in the wrong direction completely. We have new guest. Her first night I helped her on where to get her bedding and cot. I directed her to the most inconvenient place, usually the furthest away from where we actually sleep. She was the one who told me she has Lupus. What do I call this lil piece of work? How about Madam Wolf.

Madam Wolf has been a guest for about five nights. Already this one is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I had mentioned earlier that I get Elanor's bedding and cot for her each night and I put it away for her in the morning. She see's me unloading and loading the extra stuff for the older women, especially Elanor. Madam Wolf beds down right by us. The next night I see Madam Wolf carrying in extra cots and mats. As I'm walking in the door with Elanor's bag of bedding and mat's I watch Madam Wolf toss down mats where Elanor usually sleeps. I thanked her, and I said "I appreciate the help." The next night I get about 6 loads of stuff from the trailer and I set it by the door. I start to walk across this huge room with the cot strapped over my shoulder (these suckers are heavy) and I see her drop a cot in Elanor's spot.

I thanked her again for the help, and I started to say I bring this stuff in for Elanor, and she interrupts me and starts to tell me that, "no she does." I look at her and I said "that wasn't my point, but since you brought it up, I bring in Elanor's stuff every night and morning. I've been here for a long time and so has Eleanor. I was going to ask you, to let me know when you do this, because it would really save me a trip. You know be considerate not so defensive.

I walked away wondering just what that was all about? Then I let it go. The next morning,I walk over to someone as they were talking to someone else. It was a conversation about someone who filled out a positive notice sheet. It's that piece of paper where you write on their something that you noticed, that someone did for someone else, out of the kindness of their heart. Madam Wolf was sticking one under the door for herself. Made me think of last night when Jody's name was crossed off a choir chart for a job she did that morning. The name was replaced with Madam Wolf's name.

I do not get why people can't just leave well enough alone? To be lazy enough to erase someone else's choir and take the credit for something you didn't do in the first place. Then to haul in heavy stuff to get the attention and prestige. Why do people have to wreak havoc in others lives? For as long as I have been here I have helped others who aren't as capable as moving around as I am get their stuff so they can have at least a comfortable place to sleep.  This flock of sheep might have a wolf in the mist every once in awhile, but their is something I noticed a long while ago as the women were rolling in out of the door a pattern start to form. I wasn't the only one anymore unloading and setting up beds for the others. These women were getting outside of themselves, they were pulling it together and things were starting to happen in sequence. The ones who hurt worse got set up first, and the ones who didn't hurt as much waited. Even with the so many having quicker turn overs were participating in others lives in a positive way. It makes me cry to see how much Love these women really have inside them. They crave love and that is the sad part. Love should be freely given. Our Love that we give today is not free. We have to many strings attached and to much overhead.

Personal Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one else is looking. I don't know about you but it's to exhausting to hide and lie. You don't think I'm not tempted to go steal something and return it on a card and just get me some smokes? I have figured out a way to do this. Part of being out here is learning all kinds of new stuff. I used to be the kind of person who wouldn't steal not even from a big corporation. I figure someone somewhere built this establishment from the ground up. Now not so much. I don't give a fuck anymore. I can justify this one. I mean the mark ups on prices is so ridiculous. The service is unacceptable. These corporations make it about all the stealing that is going on, all this crime. These thieves these shop lifters are the cause of these prices, the insurance alone is killing us.

So how can I turn this negative into a positive, Why don't we get rid of corporations. The real thieves. The ones who have such a sky high mark up in prices. They set the standards for the average price around. You know they are the leaders of the trade? Then lets turn it around another way. The ones who the pay minimum wage and offer these nickel and dime benefits. Low quality at a high price. We should be so thankful, right? Do you know who pays the price for all the generosity they give us? Is it the consumer, or the minimum wage employee who has to take the heat when the chips fall? The mission statement and Quality control don't match up to this high cost of living they create. The high cost of insurance rates take a look right here. Who has the money and the legal power to really set the standards on this high cost of living at minimum wage. The ones who work down here closest to the customers, the ones who make the least and work the hardest are the most disposable. Those customer service reps are a dime a dozen for them. When something falls apart from all this consumer stress hell we walk in and they snap, we are fired and all we wanted to do was go to work do a good job, kick up our feet for a lil while but no, if we're real motivated to pay your rent. For example poverty price for rent in Renton, Wa. is $1,100 and lower. Good luck finding that shit hole. With so many parameters and obstacles to dodge and duck under. Cuz ya know they want three times the amount of income for that. So ya got to hop on the bus and get to job two? Does this sound right to you?

The corporations make us feel guilty for not being able to afford all that mark up. What is wrong with us? We must not be educated enough? Their must be something wrong with you that you can't meet this unrealistic expectation? You must be lazy? You must be doing drugs? Your just not motivated enough? You have a family, you want to see your kids. When you finally do get a break, your on over load and the time you spend with your family becomes to much. They become a burden. So you act out or go numb up, so you don't have to feel like such a loser. Maybe the stress is just to much and your depressed so you take more pills to help you not to feel depressed but to lift you up. To numb your pain inside you. Let's not forget the anxiety. What can't rest, can't sleep, can't shut down? To much to do and not enough time. To meet all the demands of being a good parent like you had hoped to be when you grew up, instead we repeat history and we keep going down. We stay suppressed, we stay depressed so they can make us feel guilty about not giving more skin off your back to fill their pocket books. These numbers don't add up do they? We could be so much happier if we could get balance. Balance in our pay, along with balance in the cost of food and quality. Even poison cost money. Balance in the cost of our homes and mortgages. Balance in the cost of land. Balance in technology, instead of all the garbage we create re-inventing the wheel. Balance in health care services. Balance with the cost of resources in other countries. Take away the power in these poisons by taking away any reason we would need to kill each other. Remove the power by having balance, in everything.

I started laughing to myself on the inside of me. The thought crossed my mind how the Government has bunkers for them and other Government officials families, because they are so important that in the case of emergency or natural disaster we will still have our Government officials to keep control and some kind of semblance of order right? Because well these people are important people, they have served the people well during their time of service, right? Now ask yourself if an Extra Terrestrial came and did a full on attack on our planet,do you really think they care who our Government officials are? Do you really think that if they had any contact with any of our Government officials and befriended them, and made promises to save certain people that they would really have any reason to keep that promise? We are the sheep. They are so far advanced compared to us humans. What benefit or knowledge would a E.T. have to want to keep the human race?

It made me think of the other side of that. They hide in the bunkers, do you really think that if God hit this planet, that he is going to ask for the leaders of these countries, and bless them for a job well done? Well done guys taking on National Jobs to represent your people, and the State rep's and on down that justice system, all you people at the top what are you going to say when God ask you why you should get to go to heaven? Did you feed or poison his flock? Do you think he is going to even ask for a discussion or a panel to ask them these questions? Do you think he doesn't already know the answer to that question? You represent God, your country, your people, when you serve the people. God's and the Holy Mothers Children. Did you have a hand in killing their children and making choices and passing judgments upon lives that wasn't your decision to make in the first place. Do you think those parents are going to like the price tag you put on their children s head. All for profit and gain, that stripped their children of dignity, honor and pride. You know when you open your mouth Government Officials, you spin the lie into truth so well.

Now ask yourself about that big plan if E.T. attacked who would you want behind you? Who would you trust to back you up, protect you, fight for you, keep you safe, our Government or that family upstairs? I mean after this is over and everyone discovers that family upstairs doesn't discriminate. They don't care about the color of your skin, your pocket book or house. We are going to find out what it really means to not discriminate. Like our Government and Corporate America said it doesn't do, by placing us in these boxes, categorizing us, adding us up and shaking us down. Determining our value by that green stuff. That family upstairs don't discriminate when they pick out the trolls, and shake those bad apples out of the tree's. They don't care what kind of snake you are here. Yes I see a real lesson on our parent's lifetime warranty of no discrimination here ever plan. We are going to see just what that really means when the shoe is on the other foot. You know I get his real high pitch sing song voice when I sing in my head "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven."

You know my sister and me have had a few conversations where my mother always talks about the family. She say's "the family" like we are some kind of mafia. Me and my sister we just couldn't see it. The last time I saw my daughter, she said something about the way Grandma Zina does that thing with her right hand and that I am starting to do that. Maybe my family is like the mafia after all? I have realized that when I am talking to them, receiving information or being the go between the planet and heavens that it's usually with my right hand in the air and and my left hand toward the ground. The only time i switch is if my muscles are tired. So when I speak my right hand is in the air. When I make a point I don't point the finger at people but up in the air. Which means when I am speaking, I am making the sign of the cross with my right hand.

03/25/2016
Today is not my day not in the least bit. I had to call a time out start over and walk away. Sinus headache, migraine and God dammit my back hurts. Nothing I have is working on anyone of these three things. I try to pay attention to my body and prevent this pain from happening to the beast of my ability each day.  For a few days their I felt pretty good. Michael adjusted my back a few days before and caught it at a good time. The last time he adjusted me and worked on me it was right at the beginning of things kicking in and getting this bad. I noticed that in the past when I felt something coming on that living with Michael was an asset. He was available to work on the tissue around each disk before it blew up and solidified in to cement muscles with huge knots. Same thing on my neck and migraine spots. We have done a lot of preventative work on my muscles and his. Now I can only see him once in awhile, I don't have my handy man anymore. I hate the doctor's the pharmacies and the leg work getting this stuff. I hate not having a place to put my medications. I don't have anything really but I have to keep track, keep it on me, and rotate it around all the time.

So much has happened and been discovered in the last couple of days. I haven't been able to sit and write and get my emotions analyzed or to even vent. you do know that when I get angry I'm just venting when I'm angry. The one thing I could do with Michael is that when I am upset, I will stand in the middle of the room venting and pacing. I let him know right up front, don't solve just need to vent. At times if I would start talking and then if things were starting to build up I'd start to do this and Michael would look at me and ask, let me see, your just venting, don't solve right? I've only hit two people in my life out of anger, the girl from Burger King and my mother. Both of them had fair warning. I said, get back and stop a couple of times, they moved first not me. As far as I can see both times was justified. Getting violent is not my first choice in any dynamic.

I realized yesterday when they were showing me things with Greg and Zina that I have been conditioned to not re-act. To not re-spond or say anything. My sister and me both realized we married our mother. More successful and men. The thing they have uncommon is that coldness, that missing link of compassion or sympathy, or even empathy. Major emotional abusers who could turn things around on you for barely even flinching. The one thing I learned when I didn't give notice and just when into re-hab the first time. I hadn't done anything at all for four months. I kept getting migraines and I didn't realize until now how much my back hurt. I took two percocet and I realized I felt like a lion. I went into re-hab to gain some tools on how to handle this feeling of being out of control. That craving for more. I knew one thing I couldn't be a good mother with this. I didn't take anymore, Greg kept trying to put me in detox before I went in. He felt I needed to detox. I didn't see how, aside from my migraines and my pain I felt fine and I didn't have any withdrawals. Greg literally sitting there looking at the detox counselor telling him how I need to be detoxed. I discovered right then and there that I didn't want Greg involved in my re-hab or my A.A. because he was going to be manipulative with me about it. Read up some and tell me when I need to do a step nine. The one where you make amends for your side of the street. He was going to determine for me how and when I was going to do things. You know what the biggest trigger is getting sober? Emotions. I realized then he was going to try to control my emotions and if he couldn't manipulate me he was going to manipulate others. I just had two back to back surgeries and a six week migraine. Along with being handed a spousal stipulation from Mary Stone. A document she drew up telling me I couldn't go behind the counter at my office. It was a list of rules stating I can only enter through the front door and I had to stay in the reception area. Plus she wanted a percentage of our business. Greg thought it was a great idea even though he didn't say a word the whole time.Day before my first surgery. Greg manipulated me into that meeting to. He didn't say a word he just said that Mary insist on talking to me before surgery about our business and what she found. I very calmly said to Greg in the car, I am not signing my name off of our business and I am not signing it away. The next morning I had surgery and Greg was supposed to come home at lunch to feed me. He showed up after 7 p.m. that night with salmon. He said, "it was her idea since they were having lunch together and he couldn't make it home.

I told that re-hab I didn't want him there, my counselor agreed and someone higher up made the choice for us and let him in. When I walked out I wasn't considered a high grade anything. I was on the lower end of the pendulum of the addiction scale. I tied one on about every two months and even then it was only a few times. It was a short period. Did I tell you that when I started going out with my girlfriends that I would come home and both my children would be crying. Greg would have his bedroom door shut, with the bathroom fan on and a pillow over his head and his arms over his ears. They took me back through scenes early on that have shown me that every time I have ever asked him for help he said no or sabotaged it every time. So when you ask for the small stuff and you don't get help, then things and life get bigger and harder and you ask for help again. No help just excuses why and usually he piled on more. That is what I realized is happening to people all the way around through the generations. Compound interest, heavier load building up, then the pain compounds and manifest itself in other ways inside our bodies. Society in general with all these taxes, fines, and fee's that is compounding on us. No balance.

Stepped out computer shut down. Frustrating another 15 minutes gone. I am listening to Avicii, Wake me up. I like the rrhythmand beat. It drives me inside. I guess I tell you this stuff I tell you because I see what is coming down the line. I am telling you the reality of the direction we are heading into. Try this one on for size, try feeding yourself on $180.00 a month. No hot coffee or hot food, To carry can's they take up room and are heavy plus you always have to have utensils and a can opener. To carry fruit you should eat that right away. It goes bad or get's beaten and bruised. Don't forget no stoves or grills to use. Plus you have to have charcoal or propane. More to carry plus, you can't buy that stuff on a ebt card. One saving grace is 7'11 can charge you for a raw pizza and they will cook it up. For me I can't do that, it is only me. I'd have to get there or figure out a way to store it. For others it helps allot. Otherwise we shop out of the deli section and you try buying that expensive healthy food. The pre-made sandwich's are like six to 8 dollars. Salads the same thing. Even a small salad is three to five dollars and I mean small. Everyone makes a big deal about these ebt cards and these ebt cards are the least of out problems.

Sometimes George and I go at it, not seriously. I can't get him to understand that it is not necessarily the last person who used the toilet the one that caused the over flow and flood. It's the congestion built up further down the line all the way back to that septic plant and all of these water conservation rules and laws. Fix the problem up the line at the top and you fix all this small shit. Like our EBT food cards which just creates more garbage in our land fills, like our land, our dirt our food our water and this system, the broken links in our Government and everyone else's. All across these Nations. All they care about is profit and us the people taking the blame. We are blaming and pointing our fingers to each other instead of up. We blame each other for all this addiction instead of pointing the finger up that line. Where the issues really stem from. Then all this mental illness that is quite a load. The abandonment because no one can handle all this mental illness. Their is so much now we don't know what to do with each other. So we let them go. Everyone has a braking point. These people started carrying a lot of weight before they got here.

It piles up and builds up and builds up. We are lost and empty, we are hungry. If we feed the love to each other we won't need those pills and drugs. Our hearts will start to fill and we can feel the love , learn to trust the good again. Just because our system is better than most it doesn't mean it is good enough. Other countries might have it better in one way but not so great in other ways. I see a lot of suppression and compounded interest out there. I'm telling you you all need to let the money go. Especially you Government Officials. God don't care and neither does that Holy Mother care if you had a service job. They care how you served. They care how you fed your people. How you treated others going down that line. Did you treat that plumber like shit, and your mail man like a door knob because you could? People are not considerate anymore. I watched a man stand back to let three women on the bus. I was the third, I was the only one who even acknowledged or said thank you. If I cross a street and even if I had the walk sign if someone paused on a turn to let me cross, I try to give them a smile, a nod or a wave of thank you.

On Wednesday night George came in and popped my head phones off my head. I was exhausted. He asked if I wanted to work for a day and make some cash as a server? I had class the next day but I can do a makeup day on Friday. I have some flexibility and I was broke and burned out on this broke thing. This tobacco is a pain in my ass.I know you all think I shouldn't smoke being homeless, but hey I make it as cheap as possible. Think about what you spend a day on frivolous stuff. I don't spend on frivalities. I don't have the money and I ain't going to carry it. When you add up what I actually spend on Tobacco it really isn't that much, it's just that income to outcome ratio that hurts. I have gotten a check two times while I have been out here. I don't blow it. If I eat out it has been a Wendy's kids meal like two times. Last night I treated myself to a whopper. I love my whoppers, but I would love a real hamburger. Hamburger used to be our cheap meat, but you have to eat at places like Red Robin and that is like ten bucks for a burger. To make them at home, I buy the least amount of fat possible. It's pricey to eat junk food healthy. No balance.

On Wednesday I got a shower in and laundry. So I had three bags that day. The whole process is like five hours. Just getting to this motivational class that's four hours a day I figured up transportation and time and energy it's about 7 to nine hour investment of my time. Can someone who is even less homeless than me do a motivational class for six weeks? It's not going to work out, I've tried to schedule around it just getting a Obama phone and it's been the biggest pain in my ass. How can someone who rely's on the times and locations get this class done all for a hundred and eighty bucks a month? It's a good program I just haven't quite figured out a balance to make it work better for all. I'm working on it.  Follow the money you get to the bullshit and the heart of the matter. That black heart I see out there with all the money an investor has something to do with this. Notice on the story I told you about the man Kruger who stole the gold train? Everyone focused on the train instead of the bigger issue. I learned from that segment, that tunnels were being dug and already existed by lasers and advanced masonry for our times. You do realize that something has been stripping our resources from our planet for generations? Kruger may of stole it, but where did it really go and who was it really for? You know that isn't the only time or place. I'll bet those diamonds and other mines resources weren't just used for the people on our planet but  someone else out there? I do believe their were some alien figures in the bible after all. I believe they are still here and they have a huge hand in our resources, our technology going in the wrong direction, our medicine and our poison's. Stop pointing to each other. Look up to the real issue here.

I knew when I got to the church on Wednesday night that that I had a lot of sorting and hauling to do. Plus getting everything put away the night before. Wake up time for four of us was at 4 a.m.. I was okay with that I'm awake most times anyways. I knew what I had to do to be ready and out the door by four thirty. Sara , was giving us a ride. Thank God for Sara. The only thing about Sara is that she believes in being extra early for everything, plus some of her past experiences with these ladies coming from all walks of life their is usually a straggler or two. We were extra early for our start time at 6.a.m. Let me go back to when I got to the church.

I used to sleep under a table out of the overhead lights but someone moved it. So I migrated to a hall way with a glass door and a light on in the hall. I use my eye mask, but I can't wait for a dark room again. I tossed my mats down and my bedding bag. I come back in the door and The Blue Fairy God Lady, has planted herself right at my feet with a chair right in between us. She just blocked my access to the bed. I needed the space to sort my stuff out of the way. I didn't have to but I very nicely explained to her that I need her to move down that on top of my three bags I have to bring in the rolling suitcase. My back was killing me on the right between my shoulder blades. I have been watching this one and I just wanted a easy evening without all the bullshit. Her come back was that I have all that space down there, I'm like what 12 inches? She started calling me miss superiority. OMG! I ask someone nicely who has impeded on my space and I'm taking the heat. She starts spitting her tongue out and making weird faces. Just the weird things she said. I had had it. I walked away losing it. When I lose it, my arms start going back and forth in a straight line. I'm yelling that's it ! I;m done! Audrey and Caroline jump, and Audrey was trying to get her to move down. I'm behind the wall so no one else would see me lose it. I looked at Caroline and I said, "What in the Hell? These women are so batty and they just keep coming back around.

I have a new name for this one and it is Ms. Troll. She plant's her feet on the wall opposite of her. I step over her three times again and then I needed to move the heavy rolling suitcase, and if I lifted it I didn't trust myself not to drop it on her. My back hurt and quarters were tight. I ask her if she can please move her legs. She spits her tongue out at it me and starts saying cold dark things. I squatted down and I looked her in the eye. She was not in there. I realized she enjoys getting under peoples skin. She gets enjoyment from it. She is aggressive and she does it on purpose. I looked her in the eye and I said well aren't you a little troll?  Staff had her move away from me. I knew some of this mental illness I see was a demon. I wasn't so sure this one was one of God's anymore? I was cluing in that some of these women who were sweet, especially the sickeningly sweet, are really nice people. Well they want to be but It made me think about some of us just being magnets for bad luck. Some of the shit that has impacted us wasn't just from God. It will back fire as afar as God's big plan but in the mean time what is sitting on some of these women's heads is hurting them. We might not see it on the outside but is definitely has had a bigger impact, a negative impact on these women and others around them.  Plus Madam S was back the one who just can't stop tattling on herself and making her own bed. The one who was seen stealing is back. The excuse is that staff didn't see her but others have and they have no reason to make up something like that. One didn't even remember what she saw when she woke up in the middle of the night until way later the next day. Mental illness or demon?

We got to Seattle Center yesterday morning. I had to bring my back pack. I didn't know what kind of day it was going to be or even where I am going. It was heavy from all the school papers and books. Plus food and stuff I would need for the day. It wasn't a server job, it was a seminar called, Get Motivated. I was pretty much a gopher girl. I had done this work before, but usually from the set up end through the seminar. We had no training and I caught on quickly to what we were selling and the cost and programs. The rest of the day was motivational classes on the buy and sell of motivation seminars and the buy and sell of money. It was great motivational stuff, not that I tuned in to much to the rest. Pay for this seminar and we motivate you to pay for more and save you money all the way for this one time offer. I noticed most people paid with credit cards. Most people really were there because they were stuck in a system, tired of being broke, and they were ready for a change.

One of the things I like to say, if you want change, you have to make change. In this case, they might be buying the motivation and the people telling their story how they did it. Made their nitch in society work for them. This is nothing new what they are really selling? Money, selling money, making money and managing money. Going on for centuries. All around us. The other part is buy and sell real estate and land, Build, build build. Grow grow grow. The real estate market has outgrown the people and the land. What happens when it's gone? Not much left now. Once we fix things on the top this real estate stuff will work itself out. The cost for a home out weighs it's actual value due to all the mark up. We think it is acceptable to build lil buildings for the homeless, it is a band aid. I like them but our people shouldn't be living in bigger dog houses so others can live in a mansion. Especially when we have all this over priced empty real estate now. It just isn't except able. Not to me and not for my children either. What I have been through and seen, I know even deeper what is going to happen if we don't get this right. I got a clear picture of my prayer last night.

I was on the last bus of the night. It had turned out to be a emotional day after all. At the seminar I realized I was handing out food and water to the clients and some children. From all races and walks of life. I almost lost it in the middle of the floor. Even on the bad days they pull this shit on e and show me why my days aren't all about me but others. I get that I always got that, it's gotten me through this. Helping others less than and seeing what they want me to see, but I am tired and burned out. You don't know what it's like to not throw on your favorite big socks, a big sweater or sweatshirt and your favorite pair of leggings under your favorite blanket on the couch and just be comfortable and having a moment to shut down. We don't get that. My clothes are out of necessity. I am minimum everything. On the few times I got to sleep in a Hotel room in a bed, I crash. I don't get to spend time watching TV on my own and catching up, napping and waking up slowly. I don't even know how to do that. Always time to go. Got to be up and out everyday. Always on someone else's timeline even when I get out.

The other thing that the four of us homeless women got to do was stand on a balcony and we threw red, white and blue beach balls down on the audience. It was fun. At the last registration we didn't have a lot of registries and they started playing music through the speakers. It was Katy Perry, Roar. I wasn't doing anything so I started dancing. I didn't care if I was up front of the stage. I didn't care who saw me. That song came on at the perfect time. I used to sing, I am woman hear me roar, here me throw your ass out the door.  All I care about is throwing a few things off this planet that doesn't belong here in the first place.

I was crying because they took me through so many scenes of me trying to tell Greg something or ask him for help. I realized then, that he never listened to me when I spoke. Not one time, it didn't matter what it was or what I said. I started bawling in my head screaming for him to hear me, I was screaming please, please, please, I was down on my knees with my arms out to my sides and hands bawled into fist, my head tilted up to the sky. Screaming please, I don't want anyone to suffer anymore. I don't want any one to hurt anymore. I don't want anyone to feel this abandoned, this alone, this invisible in this life. I don't want anyone to be hungry. I understand what it means when I see that to be hungry isn't just about the food, medicine and water. It's our hearts. Empty hearts, empty souls, our spirits die. I don't want those I see now to hurt in anyway, If this is the fate of our children I see through me then please please make it stop. Let him hear me, just once let him here me.

03/26/2016

I've had a bad couple of days. Thursday evening on the bus I realized my whole face hurt. I didn't have any water on me so I just had to deal. (by the time I hit the bed my whole in flamed and I had a migraine on top of my sinus pain) We had been on the bus for over an hour and Tracy's bladder was ready to burst. The restroom at the outdoor mall was vandalized and so they decided to close it. It sounded to me like they were considering not to open it again. They blame the homeless. They are just a lil ways off the transit center. It could of been anyone, but it's the homeless person's fault.  It could of been kids. I mean it is a outdoor mall. I could see how a homeless person could be angry at a restroom. Not the restroom itself but the fact that you no longer have the freedom to use one. All this shit we do for the homeless is just creating more of a problem and more garbage and more blame. This solution isn't a solution it is a band aid that people saw coming years ago. Our middle class is falling people, they are quickly sliding into that lower class category. Then after that you get boxed in and categorized some more until you have become such a burden of society that no one cares anymore. They don't even care if you disappear. Good ridden's to you, right? You should of never done what you did to put yourself there in the first place, right? Your pulling us down making us look bad.

People don't want to wake up they don't want to deal, with the truth. Some of you agree with some of what I say but not the rest. I had a woman tell me that when she went camping she peed around her camp spot. Marking it. Then I told her some of what I did in the beginning. She's ready for it, however she actually said that she doesn't believe in the fact that I marked my territory. When I peed on the talon after I buried it. I just shook my head.

I over heard a mentally ill woman announce that it is her job to tell people they are going to hell. Then she went on to say that's what a good christian does. I asked her this, "don't you think that is JC's job? She said, "no, it was her job. I walked away and shook my head thinking and that is just the issue I see. Christians a religion created by man right from the start gave people a reason to judge each other and take it upon themselves to decide for that family upstairs who gets into their home. Time to evaluate yourself and your true beliefs. To evaluate what you really feel inside. Now ask yourself does it really match up? You might wonder why I said JC and not God? He is His Son not yours. He represents that God upstairs.  He represents His Father, not yours. Not your King, His King. I couldn't believe the irony when JC was being transferred from jail to jail, the part where he pretty much didn't speak.  What would be the point, because man had already made up they're mind. They weren't listening they wanted to follow the rules of man not God. Man created Sin. If man created it, it is an illusion. The man made version of Sin does not really exist. God's word of Sin was actually pretty simple. Man made it hard not that God. Man made it complicated the moment they created all this separation. All the way down that line is discord and discontent.

The family was separated right from the start. Man and woman became separate entities. They had barriers against each other right from the start. How are people going to have healthy relationships today if we condemned the woman and mother from the beginning? We ostracized the Mother, His daughter right from the get go. For being human. No matter what happened in that garden, how can you still judge Eve? She was human and we all have our breaking point at sometime in our lives. When are we going to let that one mistake go? No one ever thought to put themselves in Eve's place? A lot of pressure right from the start of that lifetime. She was judged for feeling abandoned and alone. I think Eve was pretty hungry. I think Eve was feeling empty inside. I think the serpent saw that in her. Satan fed her that poisonous apple. You don't always see poison, in that dark energy. That apple is a symbol for that poisonous apple we placed in so many fairy tales. It was always the bad witch who tempted her. I noticed no one really took notice that Snow White had seven dwarfs behind her. She had a roof over her head and she was happy. She had a family again. People could get how she was tricked and poisoned but no one understands why Eve ate the apple? No one tried to understand just how she was feeling inside. I'll bet that at first Eve felt love but then something happened that made her feel unloved. I think Eve's heart was empty. This didn't just happen overnight people. Something like this takes sometime. How are we going to have healthy relationships now if we poisoned it in the beginning? I shouldn't be surprised. You separated Mother Earth from God too. As soon as religion and greed came into play, We separated the two.  When we separated Mother Earth from the Father it really created the mess we are in today.  Things have gotten so twisted up and turned around, that money and hurt feelings replaced God. Money and greed replaced Mother Earth. The clock is ticking. You might not know this or want to see but we are sitting on a time bomb.

You might think that this is that Demon Mother talking here? Like I'm so evil? I'm trying to trick you, right?  Being God's Demon and Her Bitch carries a heavy load. When your God's Demon, you have morals and principal, a code of ethics you might say. It's not like I can just go off and start hurting and killing people. Go on a rampage, no thank you. My family hits send, they are just waiting on you for this party to go down. I'm ready for the rodeo ride. I don't give a fuck how bad my back hurts today. I'm ready for this rodeo ride. My family will take care of me. They will know what to do to heal me. To get me moving or else a brother or sister will help out. Whatever I have to do for them to bring it.

03/28/2016

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every Truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."
Ivan Panid

I don't know why I chose that one today. It was just one of the many things I wrote down earlier. Today I don't know how I feel. I know physically. I'm very aware of the physical side of me. To have scoliosis is like e flower with only two petals. One on my lower right disk between my shoulder blades protrudes out to the right. That shoots out in a straight line in four places the last spot is that tendentious spot. Four knots to the right. On the left about two disc up, protrudes out left. Shoots out in four spots, all four knots that end in that tendentious spot on my outer left arm. Let's not forget when it starts to spiral and shift up right and down left. It pushes on that degenerated disc to the left of my neck, then it triggers the knock out, up and on the right. Then it extends back to the left. From there it bounces up to the last disc on the right going into my occipital bone.

Now head North of the spiral between my shoulder blades. It knocks rib out on the upper left, and zig zags all lil lower to the right. Going lower it bounces back and forth two more times. In the lower back it causes three pain spots from left to right. It feels like a corset down my spine. Like some one laced me into this spine. I want out. The insurance company wont pay for my magnesia. An extra nutrient that some like me could use extra of, but they will pay for their select group of pills that someone who isn't even a doctor gets to choose for me. More poison. Know what my other option could be, is to get the surgery? Yeah so my spine can look permanently the way it did 9 months ago or was it ten? I forget. I have way better days with it than I do bad, and as long as I can keep things to a minimum then I will. It just kills me when a doctor looks at me and tells me, I'm not really hurting. Maybe the problem with me is that I can still smile and move like I'm feeling just fine, What hurts the most is when you tell someone, I hurt. Today I hurt. People will still look at me like they don't hear me or believe me. All because I've gotten real good at hiding my pain over the year. I was made to feel guilty like I was putting someone else out, or I was told I was lying. Even when I hurt, and I come out and say it and people still question me. Like they are getting to decide how much my pain level is and just how much I can take.

 Pain isn't always something you see on the outside. When you think about it pain is pretty elusive. It's not exclusive. When you can't see something things can be pretty deceiving. I was so thankful I was able to get my spine worked on and adjusted twice yesterday. I had spoken earlier to Kiley for Easter. Before I got on the phone I was fighting the tears. To hear her voice again. I wanted to hear her voice but I didn't want to hear her voice. Then another bullet to the heart, she tells me she's not only leaving for Madrid and Barcelona but she's going to Germany too. I have to play it cool? Jesus Christ are you FUCKING kidding me? Mother fuck, I have had enough. The good news is no sharp pain today in my spine, Just muscle pain all the way down. It's down to a ache. The sinus migraine I woke up with has receded and today my thighs don't burn so bad. My doctor wrote me for a sinus spray instead of me having to take pills, a month ago. The insurance no longer covers it. The pharmacy is just now getting the information together. I wonder why I hate going to the doctors and pharmacies? To much stress to much leg work. I'm wondering if it's even worth the hassle for anyone anymore?

I don't want to sit in this shit. I don't want to be here. Everything is a process. Part of the plan is to where me down, so I will give up and walk away. I just want a job and a normal life. I want my life back, even if it wasn't much. It was my life and I want it back. I just didn't know that that rug was pulled out from under me long before I came along. My life really was like a video game and I didn't even know it. Looking back an awful lot of people asked me, what are you doing here? "Your not supposed to be here."  "This wasn't supposed to be your life." Maybe if they had let me in on this great big plan, things might of been different. I wonder if I'm the bait or the decoy? I didn't sleep again last night and today I don't care what they have shown me with Greg from my past, I'm to tired to be angry or even care.

One thing did occur to me, with Eve. What if she was naive? Like she just didn't know. I don't know know if I'm naive or to trusting of people? When you treat someone as you see them, what they want you to see I mean. How do you even know your gonna get bit if no one told you? If it is true that Adam was married, then he had more experience than Eve. He had been around the block. He knew more. Even in a partnership when you start out you start together. You learn together. What to do in this case? Who should of been keeping an eye out and showing her the ropes? Who should of been there to show her the pathway? Who should of been there to walk with her until she got her bearings? How is she ever going to be able to protect herself if he abandons her and leaves her to fend for herself? Makes me wonder about this naive stuff. I had a conversation with Jessica. She got in a car with a guy so she could eat her hamburger inside and out of the rain. She accepted. Then it hit me. It shouldn't be like this not being able to trust people and have to watch your back all the time. You know be on guard. Their is nothing wrong with wanting to trust, it's to bad that we can't. I always trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. If you first meet someone and you don't really get a chance to get to the next step. Not enough time for example, then how can we have trust? How did I ever trust people after all I have been through, my whole life? It takes awhile for some to show you their true colors. Those are the deceptive ones. Those are the predators. I don't want to live in a world where we don't have trust.

I still trust that family upstairs more than I trust any family of mine downstairs. They are a lil to close to that fire. The wrong fire and they don't even feel the heat. They've gotten numb and used to the pain. They are blind and they are not awake. Today I am to tired to care.

03/29/2016
Jessica Lowndes Deja Vu. Yup I'm having another on e of those deja vu moments today. It's dawning on me my pain level and my emotional level. While circling back down the drain with all this stress in this health care nightmare. I like to call it Hell. The insurance companies create the supply and demand on our lives. They create the stress and the demand all the while controlling how we are gonna take our medicine today. I always told Kiley, if your not gonna take your medicine then don't bother me with your sick behavior. You know that whiny I don't feel good kind of day that controls how you feel, both emotionally along with the pain level and discomfort inside.

Right back around to that medicine. Now I admit, I woke up with a sinus migraine. I took the sinus sudafed generic already and while on the bus I discover I have another migraine. I already knew I hurt on the lower left side today, but today I got that stabbing pain between my shoulder blades now. I had hoped that ultram would of prevented this. No it's worse actually. I hate it when the shit I have doesn't work because I don't want to enter the doors of Hell through that Emergency room door. I had been to that hospital a few times with the other ladies in that blue house. I didn't like how they literally treated people like pigs in a troff. Even the behavoir of the nurses is pretty atrocious. I came here with Nancy and she was literally sliding out of her wheel chair onto the floor and they just walk away and leave her. I was left to slide her up in that chair and tuck her back in. Nancy would wake up for a moment and adjust herself then she'd get weak and couldn't hold herself up. I knew Nancy needed some fluids besides all that caffeine that dehydrates her. Plus I was clueing in to the meth.

They have you wait in the center in back. Neon bright room. Still more comfortable than the waiting area. Someone calls you in to take your vitals, Right there the process begins. I have never met a more rude bunch of women. These ones are pretty jaded. I get jade. I'm pretty jaded to. What does it feel like to be jaded? Well let me see, I see Jade as someone who feels like its pretty hopeless. Jade's are pretty hard rock wise. What color is Jade? I think Jade is green and Jade is pretty pissed off. Jade hurts. Is Jade green? Actually I'm not sure. What country does Jade represent? I don't know, but I know I got this pain in my neck today. Jade wonders what's the point of all this pain anyways. Today I don't see things as hopeless. I see things more clearly as I sort through all this pain. This pain in my head versus my body, versus my emotions. It's not Hopeless but I'm pretty pissed off, however these nurses I get it but they are in the service industry and you do not size someone up right away and think you have all the answers already.

I discovered a issue I used to run into. The nurses the triage nurses set the tone. You can be telling the truth. I could tell her what my pain was and what was causing it and what the diagnosis was. She wanted to argue. I wasn't rude, out of line just a matter of fact. Then she pulls up my chart and says " I see here that youv'e been to the doctors already today?" Nope, no I have not. I know what me and my doctor discust the last time this happened and we discussed the time before. I just didn't want to do this song and dance, right off the bat. I went through hell with Cindy and her anxiety in the parking lot just to get through the door and it cost me a pack of smokes. Out here you don't have friends so much as favors. Each favor cost you. If they know you have something favors are not for free anymore. If favor runs a credit line, I don't want to be in debt to anyone.

I realized something about friends and favors. Favors and friends used to go hand in hand. It's an endless credit line of friendship that no one really keeps a balance. Out here it's just not like that on both ends of the pendulum and it's really sad. Alydia Rose.it was her that I learned something on. I cut her hair for free. I believe if you look good, you feel good. It boost someones spirits and it wasn't going to cost me nothing but a lil time, to help a friend fell better about herself in this lil blue house. It might be a blessing but it's a double edge sword too. It's exhausting to be homeless and sometimes you just need a break. Cut someone a lil slack. Well that's what true friends do. She came back to me and tried to give me her only shears because she felt bad about not paying me even though I was never charging her. She knew I cut hair and I didn't have a pair anymore. I realized then that, people don't realize that friendship is supposed to be free. I told her so. I said "Alydia thanks for the offer but," she interrupted me and said "but we are friends and you did something nice for me." I know "Alydia because friendship doesn't cost anything." "Accept it Alydia I cut your hair for free because that is what friends do for each other." I realized then that these women forgot what it was like to have a friend, if they even ever knew.  That is why people don't have trust and get jaded because even friendship has cost them so much in life. With Cindy I just didn't want to owe her anything.

At that hospital Valley Medical in Renton I think it's called. It's the one that my doctor said was affiliated with her. I was following my instructions and procedure with her and here I am with a nurse who hasn't even read my chart. She thinks she knows what's in it already. It's not even her place to know. Her place is to take the stats and put notes in the chart of everything. Including her personal notes on this visit that she just pissed me off even more for when I hurt already. I don't think I've had a narcotic pain shot in I don't know how long. It took everything I had to even cross that thresh hold for myself. Looking back over this whole last year if not more the hell for me starts right here. The keepers of hell. They decide for you just how this is going to go. This lady has been nothing but a bitch before I even walked into her room. I wasn't going to explain anything about why my doctor pulled my chart. I knew why, she didn't. I'm not going to waste my breath or my energy on someone else who has already made up there mind.

Looking back if they ain't gonna listen, I just don't bother I shut down. I hate talking over people that ask you question after question and they don't shut up long enough for you to reply to the first question. Doesn't matter what direction they are gonna go. They don't care and they don't want the answer anyways. If their lips are still moving they never wanted the answer anyways. Then you got this one right here. She's so jaded this rude lil nurse (OMG! The song playing is Jaded. I don't pick it's on something random) I looked at her and I said "Well the way I see it, it's a good thing that it's my doctor that pulled my chart. She is after all my doctor. Trying to make me feel bad for coming to the ER in the first place. Then she tells me that " I need to wait back out front that it is a three hour wait. She said something like well we have to get to the emergency patients first. The one that went in before me was a rash on a toddler who was playing just fine. It made me wonder why if people have doctors why can't they go to them. The answer is they are either booked up or that medical degree doesn't allow them to treat you the way they want to themselves. Locked up within they parameters of these insurance companies. I would rather go to my doctor any day than do this, but she can't give me what I need. Notice I said need, not want, because I felt like I was being stabbed with a spike between y shoulder blades in two different places, along with my whole spine being inflamed with knots all the way through. Lets not forget that spike between my eyes. My thighs burned. I was told years ago to learn the difference between nerve pain and muscular pain, I know the difference between my muscular skeletal structure and how it ties into my muscles. This was not nerve pain because that Imitrex that I had already taken three times that day would of helped to alleviate this.  I turned around and I said, "yeah, because pain is not an emergency anymore, we've all gotten so used to the pain in so many different ways. Can't even get a room to lie in while you wait. They are back upped and short staffed and did not plan for a Friday before Easter. I left. I had seen enough. I knew what they wanted me to see. Deja vu at the E.R. not a good sign. My experience in the last nine months has been a poor excuse for bad behavior and bad service. Money, bureaucracy, the Government and this health care system.

They are doing it with the weed. They made it legal with the medical marijuana. They set guidelines and for a small fee paid to the state you can get one of these handy dandy cards. I was not paying another state fee. I've seen this deja vu before. They get control of something that can be good for us. They turn it into a poison as soon as they get there hands on it. By charging a fee and creating supply and demand. All under the guise of helping us and giving it a chance within there parameters and guidelines all the while taxing the hell out of it and us. They make it controversial by pitting the federal Government and the state against each other and the people pay as well. Lot's of the small business owners that tried to open a recreational  natural business. They made it hard, and bad from the start. They created the demand with the medical dispensaries who get the real milligrams of pain relief and come July the Government her in Washington is closing down the Medical marijuana, because people aren't paying that $250.00 fee anymore. The way they charged taxes to these new business owners was set up to fail in the first place. Do you know how many small business owners got raided by the Federal Government that first year. Our own Government did this. Now with the medical marijuana they are closing them and forcing the people who used it medically and needed it to have to downgrade to something less potent. It's going to be more of a struggle to get this and the prices are going to skyrocket.

We have something that emotionally can help people without all the chemicals. They have picked and prodded and created the controversy for breaking the law and parameters which they created in the first place. It's not just that I want weed, forget it's weed if it helps you. Look back over the decades of the drugs and how they were given and pulled away and charged. If it helps you look outside of me and look around you. Where are you going to get your food and medicine when this goes down? Not if. I did not say if. I said when. It's going to happen. I'm not mincing any words. I'm not twisting anything around. This system makes you feel guilty  and shame for even hurting and not being strong enough and motivated enough to keep you moving forward. I'm telling you the truth, If your plan is your Government to feed you, you better have a back up plan. If you think they even have gardens to grow your food in after this you are wrong. They grow their food in warehouses and test tubes. Like they do us.

Our nations have so much fear in each other killing each other off over resources because their isn't much left. These nations are all hungry and hurting wehy do you think they come here? We need to all pull together but expand the resources across all nations. Give and take and balance all the way around. All I hear from everyone is "oh well, that's just the way it is. Their is nothing we can do."
I promise you we are so close to going to hell right here on this planet and when this hits I promise you when our Government takes over under the guise of pooling all the food together what lil their is, do you trust them? After these shelves are empty, how are you going to eat? Does anyone else not see a problem with this. Stop poisoning my food, stop poisoning their minds, stop poisoning their bodies, stop poisoning their spirit and there souls.

LIKE I SAID EARLIER "GIVE ME BACK MY SOULS. THOSE SOULS DON'T BELONG TO YOU. IF THIS PLANET IS THE PURGATORY I SEE THESE SOULS ARE MINE TOO. NOW GIVE ME BACK EVERY GOD DAMNED SOUL YOU HOLD IN THIS PURGATORY, I CALL HELL. IF THIS IS MY HELL, THEN BRING IT. LETS DANCE. THESE ARE MY DAUGHTERS, MY BROTHERS, MY SISTERS, MY CHILDREN, HIS CHILDREN, THERE CHILDREN, NOT YOURS. NOW BRING IT. LETS BRING ON THAT FIRE. LETS LIGHT THIS PLANET UP BEFORE YOU ALL BLOW IT UP ANYWAYS. MY CHILDREN, MY SOULS. MY GOD DAMN FAMILY NOT YOURS.

Avicii Broken Arrows

I've been wondering just who these other mothers are I see inside me. You separated the spirit from the souls when you separated the mother and the father. You separated this planet from the heavens and they are connected more than you will ever know.  You separated the natives from the land and the animals from the woods with all this building to buy and sell. Are gardens are poisoned, our air, our water. They are poisoning our blood, our minds and our bodies. God Dammit people wake up. I can't make this stuff up. I'm not some love sick child who is fantasizing or has a crush. I hate this as much as you do. I don't know what more to tell any of you. Maybe I just need to go on a Greg rant. They have shown me about 20 minutes ago, how Greg has never shown me any respect. Never! Not through anything. Forgiveness for him has really pissed me off. I don't give a fuck what he thinks of me. When someone told me they slept with him or tried to get me to guess. For the life of me it never occurred to me someone would want to do that. Only through my children I love him. Other than that I don't want him to cross my path. I never did, but for my girls I did this lifetime. So God Damnation I hate life right now.

Did it ever occur to anyone that the rumors could be true about Obama planning a takeover? It's just a thought but when you think about the healthcare system and how he pushed for it and as it turns out it is controlling our lives. How we feel and the stress we are all under. Obama is a intelligent man after all. He has to know and understand that this healthcare system which has boxed us in so small and categorized us. The insurance companies controlling the pharmaceutical and the and the doctors. On top of no money and how it's not really being doled out but resourced even thinner all under the allusion of help and trying to doctor with all this addiction. With all this ailment mentally and physically. Our food and water. Banning guns and the immigrants coming in. Before I gave him the benefit of the doubt but now I'm just not so sure. Either way Obama is at the helm and he is not helping us but sinking this ship of a nation. He is making a mockery of God and his people. You all talk about it and see it going on around you, if you can't have a president you can trust then why is he still there? What are we waiting for? Is this what happens we vote by the color of someones skin instead of honor and integrity and heart of our nation? I really have no trust for him and the rest of the litter of candidates have something to be desired. When are we going to make a change? To change something we have to change the way we do things. Its time to make change happen. Get rid of all these categories and get back to the heart and get back to the people. With that we have God at the helm and we can have trust again. Faith in our system again that got ruled by money not the people they serve.

03/31/2016

Well my day of tears started last night after I opened a gift from Kiley. They don't listen or even have a clue who I am inside. I had to cry quietly in a bathroom stall because there is no where to be alone. I screamed at them upstairs fuck you, I hate you all. I feel set up and strung along. How can they ask me to forgive my ex husband and beg for his life three times before they even tell me what this is really all about? Last night and today I don't give a fuck what happens to him. My forgiveness doesn't go to him. I can't spend any time with my girls, except an hour here and there in public or a car. I hate him. Why would they show me this after and expect me to forgive? A word popped up and it was narcissus. That is the connection between my mother and Greg. I grew up with a narcissistic personality and I married one. I am not one, but people think I am selfish for doing this and stressing them out. Lucky me. I haven't got a narcissistic bone in my body. I have emotions and contrary to what any doctor or anyone thinks emotions are good. Our family gave them too us It is society who put bad labels on emotions. I am going to North Bend tomorrow. I have to figure out how to escape Cyndi and Keith because I have work to do at that truck stop. By the time I get alone in a room if their is one available even I crash and I just want to walk the three miles up there and do what I need to do under the moon and stars so I can move freely.

I try to place my anger and frustration right where it belongs. I try to give my ex the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't know or understand what this is really all about. Like I would ever choose to do this with my life or my children's. I couldn't imagine in a million years what this is really all about. I've had enough of them taking me back around with him and our past. I walked away and I never wanted to look back but they have shown me why? I don't care why anymore. I realized the long term damage this has caused with my relationship with my children. I've been sober fora year and a half and I still don't think about it on my bad days. Which really is a miracle in of itself. I'm sober and clear as a bell and right when I'm ready to step away I get pulled back in. I become the homeless one. Now I'm angry that I held my foot back from kicking him in the rib. I mean if they had told me, I would of gladly obliged. Happily so. Violence isn't my number one choice but this is enough.

Sometimes I wonder if that big black shadow is Greg after all? I want to walk away again but they won't let me. I sat listening to Eric the instructor talk about how this technology is an asset. His attitude was what are we going to do we have to meet the demands of technology? The demands they created by making us so dependent on it. Then they set up the system so people who really shouldn't have to go through these classes in the first place to get a job. I got angry, I said, "look, listen to yourself we must conform, because half of these people don't need to know all this technology for a job, the system set it up this way." All I hear from people is what are we gonna do this is just the way it is? The technology has over grown it's benefits. These people don't need to get certified or a degree for most of these jobs. It's the state that is creating this. I have nothing against technology, science, medical or the Government, it's all just out of balance, and I think it's pretty whacked. Eric was telling me "Colleen save it to the cloud." My reply, "you mean the one that's coming down?"

We need to get rid of all this state insurance that categorizes each state and you get broken down box by box. One system. If they took all this money that they send out to this program and that program and streamline it we wouldn't be in this mess. Who do we blame when the chips fall? The system the computers and or the ones who allowed this in the first place? It pisses me off that I have to sit in a sit in a class tomorrow in Auburn. When I could just get up hit the road do the sixish hours bus ride back to North Bend, hike up to that truck stop hit the woods and do my thing until night fall. My storage isn't paid for. I can't put all this extra crap and winter clothes in storage so I don't have to keep track of it and move it around me. Nope that will have to wait until Michael catches that up. Now I won't get into North Bend until late, by the time I visit with my friends I will crash. Now I just have to figure out a way to tell Keith and Cindy I'm choosing to sleep outside up there Saturday night. That never goes well. They wonder why I sneak in and out of town? So people don't have to worry or be responsible for me. I started this alone and I'll finish it alone. I already know what they want me to do, even if I could sleep in the storage I couldn't anyways. They made it work that way from the beginning. Later they worked it so I could be close by and move around in the dark of the early morning or late evening. I'll need extra clothes for this trip but I can't carry them. Every time I walk away from one of these adventures my back takes a toll.

I'm tired of waking up everyday and never knowing what is in store for me. I feel held back and held down. I'm sick of having to hike my ass back up there in the rain, snow or sun. If they would just let me make a living until this goes down I'd be fine. I can live with that, but not this. This system is unacceptable. I'm also mad because my hawk feather is in that storage and I have to trust they will place in my path any feather I may need. Tina gave me a tiny bottle of purple fairy dust. I carry it. Then yesterday I was walking out of work source and low and behold if their wasn't a wide leather bracelet with a skull and spikes. Not what I had picked out but this bracelet will do just fine for me. I even found a white ball. I had kept forgetting to get one. I lie down on them when my back hurts. When I went to the mall to find some jeans, I realized looking around that I have to start completely over on my wardrobe. I was looking at bikini's. Wouldn't ya know it I'm back into one, and I have another summer of long jeans and tank tops. Besides just where would I lie out at? I don't have that kind of time. Last summer I looked like I had a farmers tan. Dark on top and white on the bottom. It gets hot in jeans, but if I didn't have jeans on, my legs would be tore up.

04/01/2016

A home isn't four walls. A home to me is two eyes and a heartbeat. You always have a home inside His heart.
I want a relationship that turns out to be a blessing and not a lesson.

Waiting for the next bus out to North Bend. The 3:16 bus from Issaquah. This trip is going to hurt. I upped my doxycycline because I couldn't wait on these doctors any longer. It's a joke. I was wondering why the ball of my nose was turning red. It wasn't until our first sunny day in awhile that I sat outside reading a novel. It's been so long to read a book and turn it off for awhile. I miss books. The smell, the feel, the texture. People are always trying to give me books to read. I don't have the time or need something else to carry. It kinda pisses me off when people do not understand that. If I have to carry it and it takes up space and weight then please keep it. I pick up things pretty quick from the short but sweet version of a story. This time trying to stay awake and winding down, just trying to enjoy my own thoughts for awhile just isn't working out because I crash. you try carrying about thirty pounds on you everyday, not only do you get stronger but you crash the first chance you get. So I decided after a few hectic days that I'm reading a novel and I get sunburned. I never burn except the ball of my nose, the bones on my shoulder blades and in between my breast. This just happens to fall on the weekend I'm out in the sun. Plus I'll likely either get woke up in the middle of the night on Saturday or be up most the night. No sunscreen, this is going to hurt.

I was thinking on the way over here that this is the worst I have ever seen it here on earth. It brought me to the resources that have been getting mined and just for how long they have been getting mined? It brought me back to when I blurted out about Greg and how he's deep in a sink hole or something like that. Then I said something about the car falling in a sink hole and right underneath it was discovered the gold mine that was mined with advanced technology. I don't always cclue in right away to just what itis I'm seeing. Good or bad with my ex that was a clue. In the beginning I knew nothing about sink holes and these E.T.'s and our resources. What all has been getting mined since then? How much has disappeared? What the fuck is this fracking all about? What about those blood diamonds? Seriously? Am I the only one who is connecting the dots here? Just what resources do we have kleft to pull from this planet? No wonder she is burning out? Does it ever occur to anyone that those minerals were hers to keep her energized for a reason? You feed her she feeds you people. A lil is something but this is way to much. Cause and effect people.

Then our food resources and water resources. Most children today have not a clue where food comes from and it's getting pretty scarce. What makes you think you are so worthy to be fed when our food resources diminish even more? What the fuck did we all do about this earlier and what can we do to turn things around? Aside from feeding sin in our everyday lives. Buying into the guilt and shame bullshit for being human. All this addiction stress and pressure brought on my the insurance we have become so dependent on and the greed in the corporations that fed us to the lions and leave us feeling guilty for having basic needs. Food, water, medicine and sleep. Let's not forget the system may have failed it's people but I assure you that family upstairs is not going to fail us. Only you can fail your self spiritually. You might wonder why if I have so much faith in God and my family then why am I struggling to find a job and make my own money? My answer is God helps those who help themselves, then others in the process. It will work out. I just don't get paid for my job right now. Like hiking out to North Bend just to dance under the stars and either shake it up or close another pathway. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm ready to shake a few feathers. Sides this is all a learning process for me. I like to poke the bear.

04/03/2016

I was standing in line here at Kent Hope for dinner waiting for grace to be said. It hit me about it being my birthday and I received the perfect gift. Talk about a set up. It was right out of left field and I didn't see this one coming. Aside from me disappearing and walking out on Gary. I so wanted to see him and catch up. I located his new place outside. You just have to know how to follow Gary's trails. He was in rare form. He was in paranoid kinda angry schizophrenic mode. Not good. I got him to calm down and he switched gears. I was aware of the sign's to watch for. I was sitting at the foot of his bed by the door and he scoots closer and starts rubbing his legs on mine. I told him he was in my bubble and he needs to get back. I asked him if he needed to get by me? Then he said it. It was the sign I didn't want to see. I had made sure their was no reason for this to happen. He said, "it's your scent. I want to smell you. I walked away. I told him I'd be back later. I was going to go nap before my midnight excursion. I couldn't sleep.

I decided to bring the batteries that Gary needed for his radio and do a quick check in. I relized as I was roaming around in the woods in the dark, that it is bear season. It was the springtime. I started to wonder just when do bears wake up? I twirled my way  back up front. I came up behind the Edgewick Inn. I was sitting in the shadows that gave me a view of just what I was watching for at that truck stop. I was waiting for it to shutdown. I had my eye on a certain location. I was thinking about how more primal people become when they live in the woods with little human interaction. I had just sat down and I look to my left as a certain truck went by. I wasn't even looking for it. I watched from afar to make sure I was seeing this right. After awhile I walked away to get my smokes. I came back around and sat right outside that door and truck. It was also the perfect location for me to see the location I needed to do a cleansing on with river water. Talk about a hot spot.

I'm watching something unusual going down to my left and I watch two of the cars pull up and back into right where I want to be. Now I've got three things to watch. It seems our little crimes spree tonight was pulling something out from under the trailers right around my dumpster. I have no idea how no one else heard or noticed this? The shit I have seen going down watching that truck stop. I couldn't believe the irony in this location of all nights.

Truth is it was a perfect set up. Opportunity to speak alone. I just watched, thinking of just what to say to him? He was alone. At first I was happy then it made me sad, because he's alone. All I have to do is walk up. He see's me, I see him. I get up to move around and survey the land to collect my thoughts. I noticed two things to watch. I scoped things out, went to pee and when I came out he was gone. Well I had work to do anyways. I had hope again, but I lost it the next day when someone showed up at my motel room door. I didn't recognize her. I blew her off pretty much. Then later Cyndi told me it was the old owner of New Dawn Espresso stand. Well she used to be. She was a single mother who took care of her father and her own two children. Plus raised her brothers two kids all on her own from running that espresso stand. She sold it. I wondered where Dawn went? Here she is standing by coincidence at my door. She was tiny and unrecognizable and her voice was not even the same. She became addicted to Heorine. Remember everyone has there breaking point. It made me realize just what I walked away from. That I agreed to carry this burden for a lil while longer. I missed my chance. How do you tell someone that their life is going to change? Oh Yeah, it will all be okay by the end. I don't even have a clue what it is he wants out of life? Who am I to burden him?

I don't like surprises. Not for me anyways. Getting up with the strangest things standing in my room watching me or shaking my bed. My mother stomping her feet, slamming the door knob against thee wall with the hall light on. Greg getting up sneaking around to turn off the heat in the winter. The children crying or moving about the house with there sneaky lil feet.Then that mother fucking semi waking up each night Alex woke me up. I was pregnant with Kiley and we'd go sleep together in the spare bedroom. I hadn't yet remade it into Alex new room. I'd just start to doze off and that semi's roar with the loud pressure release pulling me back out of my sleep from my already in-somniated body. It wasn't even supposed to be in this neighborhood. I didn't care, just did it have to stop right outside my house? I was just about ready to go out and let that guy have it after so many mornings of this. It pissed me off and I should at least have control over something that is going on right out side my window but I don't. Linda my neighbor across the street told me he was a single father with a daughter. He was just another guy trying to make a living and not having back up. His answer was Linda, she was the sitter at this God forsaken hour. That family has shown me so much on this journey. I love that family very much. It's to bad people don't see the bigger picture.  They might not look so pretty to you, but to me it is beautiful.

So much to go back on about my weekend and timing. It fell on a weekend, it happened to fall on my birthday and I didn't have school, the weather was going to be nice. People might think I have freedom, but I truly don't. I don't pick the time or the place. I don't pick the sound or the tone of what is going on around me. I don't even pick my food or even if I have it. For me I might have it but that don't mean I'm going to eat it. Texture, somethings are just to gross to even be willing to eat it. Especially those consequences on my body and the peoples reactions when they see me throw up those slimy beans that taste so good. Not worth the misery or the embarrassment.

Keith and Cyndi said come by more often and I needed a escape a reprieve. Even if I'm still busy it's a change of scenery. It turned out they had a empty room. Sometimes things just have a way of working out. I missed these people even if there home isn't much coming to this dingy lil motel feels like home to me. The mountains, the peace and quiet and my family. I didn't tell them it was my birthday. I didn't want to take anything more than from them. One thing these two know about is hospitality. Their have been a few other nights I have crashed here, a few times I needed a shower and even if they didn't have this I'd keep coming back. These people have integrity, they have values and they have principals. When these two go to work they give everything they have plus to earn that dollar. They are like me, they give more when they walk away from any table even if they have nothing left to give. They might not have much on the outside but inside they have heart. They give more than they have ever received in their lifetime. I am thankful for every moment with them even when they make me bleed. I so owe these two people three times over. They risk losing there roof letting me stay there. It is stressful for them already so to tell them it's my birthday they are my gift everyday in my life and they don't even know it. These two know the meaning of friendship, even when they don't have it or have very lil they share what they have even if it takes away from them. I don't like to see them being taken advantage of.

When Cyndi figured it out she was torn between tearing into my room in the middle of the night, instead she was up at seven and at the store to get a cake. We already agreed on noon time plan and when I came over to grab a razor and lotion Cyndi lit a cake with twelve rainbow twirly lil candles. Keith gave me money to go get a latte at the espresso stand across the street. The one that used to be New Dawn's. I ended up standing in line at a driveup window with tears streaming down my eyes. Trying to hide it and pull it together before it's my turn. After we had Boston Cream pie at 10:45. I had been awake since five a.m. I ended up back in my room sitting on the bathroom floor crying. It seems some habits are hard to break after all.

The room was open for another night. So I didn't need a sleeping bag or blanket. I had some light cloths to layer up and it all fit in my pack. It's only April and I don't care how sunny it is that ground is cold after the sun starts to set. I was thankful I didn't have to carry that bedding from Kent or the three and a half mile trek up to that truck stop. I got a ride into town closer to QFC. I was out of food stamps and it refilled on April second. I was going to need coffee, protein, water and a diet coke. I had three minutes on my cell phone and Keith gave me twenty three dollars for a cell phone card. I let them know I'd be back by two a.m. and my usual points of entry. It was the first time telling anyone anything. Now back to that freedom. Their is something very freeing about just being able to sleep outside and not having fear. I have learned that I don't need a building to be at home. I know the lay of the land and I have my family. I tried remember what came first on this journey? Was it brother Red or was it the Father? If so which Father? I knew for sure, they asked me about my family first? I said yes. Then before I even knew what was going on there stood Brother Red. The asshole who startled me in the woods telling me he'd like to have a conversation. The brother who was inside me already without me even knowing it. It's confusing sometimes figuring out which brother and which father do I need to see.

I didn't even think he was still coming here. Kyle only did this as a favor for someone else. That's a pretty big commitment for someone to do who doesn't even need the money. That tells you allot about a person. I wasn't planning on this. I wasn't willing to step under that camera, I had work to do. I hiked at least ten miles today already and a few of those miles was going back to get the river water and carry it back to that truck stop. I didn't need any trouble with someone spotting me and here comes the police for trespassing on the very property I worked at and was raped on to do a cleansing for that family upstairs. I don't work for Him either not in the way you think.

I had so many questions I needed answered and I couldn't think of one God Damned one of them. I knew their was a reason I needed to talk to him, even if it ended badly. Hell I couldn't think of Gary still sleeping in the woods behind me and me wanting his suffering to end. I came here to do a cleansing with river water and well quite frankly what do you say in a few minutes? This conversation was going to be a long one. I had so many questions and all this time I just wanted to be there when he clued in that I know what I'm talking about and I still can't look him in the eye. I don't want to hurt him. He's been through enough. It was the perfect opportunity because I didn't need to deal with someone else's fears and I wasn't to happy with what Keith told me just the night before about stud horses and how they strap them down in a barn full of other female horses and either they are in heat or it's the pheromones that makes them snort and kick. They go nuts.

Hell I'd go nuts to. I never understood why they needed, (by they I mean man) had to interfere with this process. You know control the animal and the environment, so they don't hurt themselves having sex with their own species. While being watched. Like my private life is some freak show all so you can watch, fantasize turn a dime into a dollar. I'd be crazy too if that happened to me. Out in the wild it sounds a lot less stressful. I mean horses were having sex without being controlled for centuries. Until money came into play. Ownership, the strap, the job, the environment, and the returns. All under the guise of helping them. That is not help, that is torture. It didn't help that when Keith told me this, I was like, uhm! go back. What was that again?

I learn something everyday and I didn't want to know that. Not at this time anyways. I never thought to much about horses and the breeding process. The crazy scent's, the kicking hooves and snorting nostrils. When Michael and I were walking awhile back ago. I walked away and walked over to that spot I buried the talon. I didn't know Michael was watching me. A little while later he told me that he got this real aggressive feeling in him. He said he growled down deep in his throat and he snorted. He told me this a lil while later when I squatted to pee outside. He told me this, only he added that he wanted to come up and grab me from behind and plunge himself down deep inside me. I don't know a lot about horses but me and my sister have had a few conversations about male horses. Part of when I saw him, I didn't want to be close enough to even be there. Not after seeing Gary's reaction to me and I'm showered. One thing I have learned is to watch my step around some people. Not out of fear but out of common sense. I didn't trust myself to just talk. Not with this tail a wagging anyways. It wasn't my scent I was worried about so much as his. His scent and his markings. I didn't want to take advantage of someone else less than myself. :) That pendulum swings both ways. I'm not a fatal attraction type of person but for this moment in my life I just needed the conversation. We would both need a clear head but now I'm kicking myself for walking away and tempting fate.

Something else that got my panties in a wad was the conversation I had with Keith and Cyndi. I knew just from the things they were telling me they were catching up. We weren't even communicating but we seem to follow the same path. I don't usually do the talking because lets just put the cards on the table. Some of the shit I talk about is pretty scary, but some of the shit they talk about rings some bells and I can get the short handed version. The answers aren't always in the details but something new is another direction. This was another one I didn't want to know but the numbers just keep adding up. I thought about my grandfather. My great grandfather being from Mexico. If he is up there and I am seeing native stuff around him whatever or whoever he was here he's have to be pretty big up there. Then I started thinking about how I instantly knew standing inside Michael a male and a female. A LaKota and a DaKota and that if these were the first native signs and the first thing I picked up in Michael when I couldn't move him. Then That DaKota  great great grandfather would have to be pretty big above me. I had just started accepting a couple days ago that I'm just going to call it like I see it. If Brother Red is some kind of shaman then I'd have to be one to right? I mean I'm the one wearing feathers in my hair and crying at rocks. I'm the one shaking a water bottle and my body parts. My words might not be written in any book but then again I spotted a white female buffalo. I saw the shadow of the eagle. I was puffing on that pipe. When I do that, I don't go zing or zang, I connect upstairs. Bing! I tune in. This is a first for me too and when something hits me, I catch my breath and I freeze. I become paralyzed with all these monkeys a jumping around inside me.

Some people think tears are a sign of weakness. I mean their is a time and a place and when you first meet someone you don't want to break down and cry, because it is a sign of weakness? In the beginning I cried right out in the open with my fist in the air. No one saw me, no one heard me. Their is something to be said for invisibility. They have made me aware of my tears and my emotions behind them. Their are times I say in my head, "not now guy's, turn it off. This is not the time or place." As I have cried my tears I have gotten stronger. I have discovered the emotions behind them. By me feeling and doing things differently. I feel instead of taking a pill not to feel. They have taught me how to unload all my pain inside onto them and I have gotten lighter. My shoulders less heavy and days with very lil pain in my back. They have shown me my limits and just how much I can take. Just where it hurts inside me. I might not have security in where I lie my head at night. I might be on someone else's timeline but their is freedom in knowing it is a relief to cry to heal inside me. Their is freedom in knowing I might not always see my family or know they are there but somehow they show me the light even when I didn't even know to look for it. When one brother falls, another brother pops up out of nowhere. It made me feel safe enough to walk three and a half miles at two o clock in the morning, down the open road with my back pack on my back. I felt good about coming back home in the middle of the night. I even texted them to let them know I'm on my way back. I knew if I heard a chime in return he got the message. Hell they are night owls too and well my texts might say sent, but they go nowhere but to the outbox not the sent box. They still ding me .30 cents to not go nowhere. When I got back Cyndi had a big ole pork chop in the microwave just for me and I didn't even know I was hungry. Something to be said for this lil red headed sister of mine. The one who tries to mother me. Those Mothers and Sisters up there they just keep popping up too.

I didn't realize until it was to late that they answered my prayers. They heard me all along just as I was ready to give up. Here I am all pissed off for stringing me along. I was angry because they wouldn't give me just one conversation eye to eye. I said all along, "I am ready to step out into the light" and I sit in the shadows. Not close enough to catch his eye but I'd recognize that stance anywhere. I wasn't even aware I knew it. Not a lot of bald heads that white or shaped quite like that. Left hand in pocket, slouch of the shoulders. head bowed down. He runs his hand down his face, not happy, tired and tension.  Did he get bigger, or is that just in my imagination too?  Did I miss the chance to turn that black heart red?

04/06/2016

I can't focus. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't sit still. I keep pacing and moving around. Not good today on the neck and back. Muscle pain from the right side of my down the right side of my spine. Like a tight rope with huge knots digging in certain places here and there. I'm burned out on this neck and back pain. Always dancing around it keeping it under control. Holding off on that burning pain in my muscles.

I just can't believe I walked away. I keep racking my brain. It hit me yesterday just what they meant the night those two redheads woke me up. For once can they hit me with just what I'm looking at when I'm actually looking at it. They have this tendency to come up with answers afterwards. They kept saying, "he is an honorable man." I didn't get what that meant? Honor what? Seeing him and looking back I got it crystal clear. Just what he did when he had that rug pulled out from under Him. I will always be grateful for ever more. I knew looking at Him that he was still clueless.

I'm not sure how I would even start the conversation. I mean I would have to start from the beginning.I'm right back to the last time when I asked myself, "how do you explain any of this?"Now deja vu all over again. I"m never speechless anymore. I still gotta stick with the truth. "I never lied to you. Even when I didn't know what I was talking about." That when they asked me if they can come into me to save my family? That family was you. That when they said niece on that oil can that it's your family they were talking about.I'm the voice of dread. I'm the voice of doom. I don't want it to be that way anymore. I realized I hadn't let go of one issue. That money issue. I got a debt to pay. I don't care if it's a drop in the bucket to him. I have had this thorn in my side since way back when. Since this debt started I couldn't afford to live anymore. It was half my income and it wasn't much at the time, but it's my debt. I know after this journey I've got the lifetime of a experience in all these journals. Every emotion I was feeling at the time. Every growth spurt.

I realized the reason why they don't let me see the end all up front? Can you imagine showing me that in the beginning.? Just what that would do to me inside? It wasn't a cakewalk when they opened me wide the first time. The fear I had of those horsemen? That was chilling. The fear of that twin enoch tribe. That one was paralyzing. It was like my breath hitched. That fear of fire I've always had, then I'm reading about the rapture. Then the mother earth, all mixed into this.

I have learned one thing that this all started from two life forms. His and Hers. I know it's hard to believe. Truly two energies people. Whatever you want to call them I don't care. God and Mother Earth. It's really that simple. Why did we have to fight and drain all these resources in the first place? Why did we have to create religion in the first place? I figured out something else today. I don't fit in anywhere. Not even in this foster home of lost mothers I live in.

I don't want a man to fix this. I don't want a man to pay this price tag I got sitting on my head. I remember when this happened so many men came to me and said that, what happened to me is what happens to the men not the women. They couldn't afford to live anymore either. We blame each other but truly it's this high cost of living and low cost of income. I mean Keith hit the nail on the head when he said, "how are people supposed to feel after working a minimum wage job for years and years or two jobs, and you can't pay rent and live a normal life?" What does that do someones self worth to strip them of the dignity to live even a quality life? Aren't you tired after a forty hour work week? Pretty much people have some pretty high expectations after years of low substandard living and we are told we aren't motivated as their bodies are racked with pain and indignity. You just haven't jumped through enough hoops to catch that brass ring in the sky?

I don't have a issue explaining it. I have an issue that I even have an issue with this in the first place. If I take the easy way out, what does that teach my children about their mother? I no no matter what it will all work out. I know I will pay it off myself. I just don't want him to do that. It would be wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I know that for sure. All I can do is keep moving forward and pray for another miracle. I never really regretted leaving him behind before. I mean who wouldn't want to distant themselves after that crazy outburst and some of the crazy things that popped out of my mouth. Yeah walking away and looking back on some of it was a good idea, but this time I really regret not telling him the truth especially when I can explain everything this time around.

April 22nd, is called the Pink Moon it is the full moon. I liked the names of the other months. January was called the Wolf Moon. March was the Worm Moon. Dammit I lost the page. I really have to take the time to learn what all this moon stuff that keeps popping up is all about.

04/08/2016

Last night I realized a series of numbers kept popping up in my head. It was Greg's social security numbers. I had to take a look at what they were trying to show me? Then it hit me. The three numbers right in the middle 666. Great. I don't want to look at this. I haven't even begun my anger in what they are showing me. I just don't understand the reason. I can look at it with the dark cloud point of view? I can look at it with the energy between us? It's a good excuse but in the human emotional experience, I still wonder why? I know each time they make me look at this and go around and around with these replays. The movies of my past life. They show me something else. They want me to get to the point with him and I don't want to hurt my children anymore. Not even for the greater good of the lesson of a lie I guess. Why the fear? Why the mask? What is his fear? What is he hiding? If it's what they showed me in the beginning it's really not a big deal. If he's bi-sexual or gay and he's so confident and so sure of himself then why hide it? He knows I have had gay friends in my life. I'm just angry at the cause and effect of it. He is the one who is in that human shell. Who is he really? What does he gain by taking the mother out? What was so bad about me? What was so bad that I did to make him behave so coldly toward me? Truly I am only human and after so much stress and neglect you wither and die inside. That is what happens we lie about our love for our partner in life. To lie about unconditional love and set those parameters is a lie. I wanted a family. I wanted life. I thought Greg wanted that too.

Some other things I have leaned about myself. Tia Chi, I figured out that when I move my hands around from the heavens to this planet, that I'm moving energy around in all those lil hand gestures. It's a form a Tia Chi. It might not be something anyone has ever seen. Myself included in that theory. I never could of imagined it myself. Kind of like making a special recipe, with the herbs and spices for your family. It's a good vibration. A good feeling, a good energy. Family and traditions. We all are made up of all sorts of different particles and different energies, and essences from on this ground and up above. When you think about it that way who can really put a label on my dance? I don't hurt people or cast spells. I have figured out how to give back as good as I have got. I don't create the darkness, I just change the diameters and move it around or pass it on. Dance a jig and say a prayer. Then I give it up and let it go. I leave it up to those upstairs.

I also realized something else and that is this niave thing? This not having allot of fear? I'm certainly not afraid to die and that is freeing in of itself. That is trust that they aren't putting me through this shit for nothing. Oh my daughters are so not happy with this new me. Then again they have maybe seen me maybe a handful of times in the last nine months. They have never read anything but that poem. They wrote back to that poem right from the start. They told me they believed in me and that he will come. They showed me so much in the beginning. I have to hold on to the good and not the bad. I realized all my life someone has made me either squash my feelings or not feel. To just accept the conditions and don't feel anything. Just keep moving forward.

I told them if you want change, you have to make change. You have to do something different for once in your life. I told them I made a promise that the next time we set at my table as a family that they would have all of me this time. Not just bits and pieces. I told them I am at peace with my choices. I have faith in my family upstairs. With Paxil I felt black, I couldn't feel. So no one will tell me how to feel and tell me feelings are wrong. I explained the process of healing. They had faith in the beginning and I need them to have renewed faith in me. I will not be bought and paid for. I did not know I would have a reaction like this to money, especially at this point in my life. So many reasons I didn't step forward into the light. It would be finished. What lil freedom I have would be finished. As much as I want answers to my questions and to end this loneliness inside me. I have faith in Him to understand me. Practically a perfect stranger and I have more faith in him in understanding why I did why I did, way before it sinks into Greg's thick skull.

Because I don't know what I'm seeing when something goes down inside me I have no fear. Out here I never know who or what I am going to walk into because I have never been there to know what to expect. I don't know what I have to protect myself from when I walk into any situation because I don't know what is there. I can't freak out and be scared on this journey. I can't be paranoid or afraid because to tell you the truth I haven't a clue what I'm walking into in this hard knocks school of life I live. I might not have anyone to actually watch my back or stand beside me with these controversial things I have said but I made an agreement in the beginning to that family upstairs. They feed me not you. They pick me up. Even if you see someone else picking me up when I fall down, I assure you someone else is holding Him up. God works in mysterious ways everyday and we don't even see the small miracles that stand in front of us everyday.

I have one more question. When you have money and your comfortable, whats really missing out of your life that you even have to ask me that question in the first place? I'm a woman I have more questions. Mt story my prerogative remember that. When you have all that, what else is their to want for right? We all think money comes before love. We choose the easy way out. Instant gratification society. Would you walk away from money for love? Would you walk away from money for a better life? Would you leave money behind for your legacy to continue on. Not the one you see today but the one you want to see tomorrow?

I keep going back to this. How do you make someone believe in themselves? How do you make somebody see who they are on the inside and not on the outside? To have so much faith in someone who doesn't even have faith in himself? They call me the crazy one. When all I see is beauty in Him. I see a King that sits deep inside my heart. I see a man who has weathered a few storms in this lifetime. I see the King of Humility standing in front of me. He may have heavy shoulders and he may stand with his head bowed. I see Honor all around him. I see light around that dark shadow. I don't care what anyone says. He is everything I ever dreamed of. I didn't even know I had a vision of the perfect man for me and they showed me that the day I looked back and saw a purple aura above his head. That man had the will to live for his children and hers and hers. He never called in sick and he fed all those hungry lil mouths. I wanted a good father but I never dreamed of a great father. That is what I wanted for my children. I don't care what anyone else says that man is King to me. That man is all HEART. When I saw Him standing there alone. It broke my heart. I realized I don't want him to walk alone anymore. When they said, he is a honorable man. I see Him inside of me. I knew I recognized that nose from somewhere. I want to be tucked up under, I want to be wrapped all around Him. I want to serve Him over and under and all around Him. I never want Him to feel alone ever ever again. I want to be their for the denial, disbelief and rage when it really hits him. That what I am saying is really going to come to fruition after all. I want to be there when he falls to his knees and I want to pick him up and take him by the hand. I want to hold him close and wipe the tears away. I want to help Him through the pain. I want Him to feel the Love and gratitude I have for my brother everyday and forever more..

Butterflies and Pebbles,

And in the end darling, you realize it's about those that make your eyes shine, those deep-belly laughs. Those that believe in you through thick and thin. They are the constant vacation in your life.

S.C. Lourie

I'm thinking Humility is looking very sexy to my eye. Well from my unique perspective of the situation at hand. I'm hoping to turn that, "why does everything have to be so hard?" will turn itself right around. You know turn a negative into a positive. I figured I'd like to receive payback for everything always being so hard to, "OOOOHHH! give it to me hard." You know? " hit me with the hardest stuff you got." "Hit me with it real hard. Come on pull that trigger. Give me all you got.

Let me be your biggest addiction. Let me be your biggest drug. The best high you ever had in your life. I promise you once I get my hands on you, I'm going to devour you. When I said serve, I meant reciprocate. That service is a two way street big boy. First comes desire. The hunger, the pull. You feel the heat coming off of me, you see it in my eyes. After Desire comes Lust.

Those aren't her eyes, that's not her mouth you see as Lust wets her whistle with the flick of her tongue. They're ain't no going back from lust. Once you've had Lust, there ain't no going back. Your hooked. I'm going to devour you. You are looking pretty tasty to me right now. They've been teasing me a real long time with you. I admit I'm a lil trigger happy. Oh that energy of sweet desire and lust. We are going to fly high. Just one lil touch will ignite this fire I feel inside of me. Just one lil flick and I turn to mush. I can't wait to make you an extension of me. Of my pleasure and my pain. Some pain just hurts just so good inside of me. I can't wait for the heat and passion of that ring of fire. I can't wait for you to light me up inside. I can't wait to feel your passion, your power. I can't wait for that passion to flow inside of me. I can't wait for the waves to come crashing inside of me.

 I can't wait for that sweet hot desire to wash my pain away and fill my heart. I'm oh so very hungry, right now. I'm feeling a lil parched. My throat is real dry. It feels a lil itchy and that makes me real bitchy. You don't want me to be a bitch do you? I think I need someone who has just the right amount of tools. Just my size of equipment. Something not to small, and something not to big. I want something just right for me. Something just my size. Remember I'm real flexible again, my family loosened me right up. They taught me this dance. Well up to a certain point. I'm ready to explore a lil further. You know check out my options. Truth be told, practice makes perfect. From what they have shown me so far we're gonna have a real good time in the sac. It'll send shock waves right through you, that exchange, that transference of energy. It'll go right through you. Right from the tip of your head right out of your toes. Those rivers are gonna flow right through you. Right out of you and right into me. Come on baby, I got the heat, you got the fire. Come on baby, let's dance. I'm ready to dance. I'm ready to swivel my hips and show you my new dance moves. I'm ready to feel the rhythm, the beat and the pounding of your heart pulsing away inside of me.

04/11/2016

OMG! I haven't paid attention to the dates. I just saw the date. Some things are meant to be and some things are not. Not today anyways or else I would of been there already. What an emotional rollercoaster ride this morning. Just accepting the emotion and feeling what I feel and know that it's okay. It's part of my lesson plan I have discovered. I might talk about the tears more than anything. Their are all kinds of reason to cry and emotions to go with it. Tears of joy, tears of laughter, tears of fear, tears of pain. tears of release. tears of the load lightening each time you go through this. I feel the emotion, when I do that I start to notice a pattern in how I feel. When your  an empath you have to seperate out what your here and feel and at times I analyze the cause and re-action and at times it's about the pattern in the words I hear. The people I hear it from. One of the hardest things to realize laterly are the demons sitting on peoples heads hidden under the guise of mental illness. All I have are my words for now. I might have a demon mother in me but truth be toldI don't know what to do myself to lift it. They do upstairs and when they want me to figure out that and discover they will tell me what needs to happen first. I'm certainly no demon wrangler. I never thought about demons before. Other than what I see on those paranormal shows.

I just know I don't want to fuck with one. Well that was then and this is now. I have no fear of a demon anymore. I know who I am and I know who my family is. I know they will walk me through it and use my body and words when the time comes to cast that mother fucker out of these people. My family. Some by blood and some by essence. OMG! I can't type this hardly. I'm sitting in a library pissed off at this system already. Mouses don't click, keyboards run way behind my character keys. Slow Mother fucking servers. Going back to fix it takes more time than to just let it go. It just adds to my frustration. I swear to God if I could lift those demons today I would. For now the only way to do this is to educate people on what they are really seeing. Those people see things in different dimensions. For some stronger than others and no one understands the concept of spiritual healing. It's not just the pills and doctors that can heal these people. We go at them in a different way. First is compassion. Demons fear compassion. When we show someone who suffers it makes that person stronger and the demon weaker. When they can learn to differentiate the dimensions and accept them and let them know they are safe to see them and learn from it they can heal. That demon weakens and that person heart fills with hope with hope comes light and they are stronger with that family upstairs. Their trust grows to. Huge amount of healing in trust. Oh you so don't even know.

Demon's fear love. Demons don't want people to feel love. They want them to feel ostracized by society. So the inside of shell weakens. Those scars are hard to see. So that heart where we get fed in so many ways. Their hearts need to be fed Love. I'm just gonna go all out and say I'm ready to one huge exorcism of this planet right now.I can't step inside with so many homeless people out here. I don't engage or instigate the behavior when I see this, I try to just watch and learn. The hard part is watching and not being able to help them. So I listen and gather information as I go along this path. I want off this path I don't want to see anymore.

One pattern that really hurts me inside is the loss of dignity. Not by choice but by force. No options. It really pissed me off last weak when at the Work Source office they put key pad locks on the door. The bathroom door again. This is the place where people who receive food stamps take a class, mostly the homeless. The unemployed or physically to find a job through the state. I already caught on to why this program doesn't work. This class. It's that missing link. The missing link right before the front line of action. The one who serves the customers for example or the ones who come to receive a service for help that is offered. I happen to be standing in these offices and getting a hands on lesson in what I see going down. I am fortunate for this experience but it hurts to. It hurts my brothers and sisters. If my family hurts I hurt and their is nothing I can do about it.  It's that link I have with my family. Here and there. If it hurts me, it hurts them. I just figured that out I didn't know that. Wow! That's a new one. I wonder who's tears I'm crying for today? Which Mother I mean? The Holy Mother I know is one. The Lakota Mother is another. Even demon mothers cry, I have learned. I think my demon mother is the rage. I have't experienced rage. Not yet anyway. They are just making me aware. I'm okay with it. What Mother doesn't want rage to be on board when you fight for your children's lives?

I said to Eric my instructor. (poor guy) To think I was holding back my anger of the injustice. If you want to do something to help someone then look at the big picture. Not the one you choose to see. So you can ignore the rest. I mean how do you know if a program is gonna work If you know nothing about the clientele you serve? Eric said, "well come on this isn't the place for people to go to get ready for their day? I assure you they know that. I said, we all have to get ready for our day somewhere, don't you think they want to be presentable too?  It is mandatory for them to come here but they won't look at the cause and effect here? How would you feel not having a home and wanting to better your life and you can't even use a bathroom, or brush your teeth? Hell in this office the drinking fountains don't even work. These people live outside and they can't get a drink of water unless they pay for it or find a stream or river. How would you feel if that was you in that position? Standing their and you just want to be able to present yourself? To be clean, what right do we have to judge these people? This one really pisses me off. People don't think about what all these people went through to be here in the first place. People skipped over so much. this one hurts me inside. People think of the here and now and all they want is instant gratification. We are all paying the price for this in so many ways. Right down the line. That gives the darkness power. It makes us scared and greedy. Those fears and those lies.

I can't make them understand the indignity these people are put through everyday. Even in that blue house I spend some time in everyday of this journey you are lucky to pee without someone knocking on the door. These people don't have that. They have no where to wash up. If their was then one person messes that up and it shut's down. It is taken away from them. This hurts me because I know what my children expect of me. I know what they want and I can't provide it right now. I can't step inside the light. I don't ever expect him to pay any financial thing for anyone else and I'm sure not going to make him feel guilty for my feelings about what I see. We can't rely on one person to fork over this dime. It is time for change. That can happen if people start out just by don't ever leave a area without thinking of the other person coming up behind you. I'm talking right behind you. Don't leave someone else to clean up your mess.  From there it can grow and grow.

The injustice in all this indignity I see everyday hurts me. Someone said to me the other day, "Colleen you never get angry." I laughed and I said "Oh you don't even know. I put it out on on paper. On this blog. I write it down and I process what makes me angry. Someday's are harder than others. I try to see that if I can still walk. I can keep moving. I try for that everyday. I don't care how I get there just get me to that destination. I know I can't shut down and relax like normal people everyday. I could take a pill. My doctor would give them to me. We have that trust. I like that. She listens. I don't do that however. I am a fully functioning person. What I feel inside me is important to me. Right now the point is feeling it. Nothing has killed me yet. Especially not feeling the emotion and accepting that. I understand my emotions as they pass by me, that they don't have a resolution. Sometimes the emotion just gets you to the next step. What I do has no negative effect on anyone. My actions have not hurt anyone. I mean not the ones who didn't deserve it after all.

I mean I"m not a doormat. I am a human being. When I accept a emotion, I don't ever look for the answer to everything or anything. I just feel it at that time and then accept how far I got, and most the time I don't even analyze the emotion after that crying spurt, I just accept the emotions/answers I got out of it at that moment. My tears dry up and I feel fine. I keep moving forward. It might not be all the answers but it is the next step. Then later the dots connect into a pattern of how I feel or felt. When you feel something truly feel it. As much as you can bear If it doesn't kill you follow through. Then you get stronger when you have walked through it. You learn things about yourself you never knew.before. You just walked through something you never did before and you are still alive.  In the end result if I take that pill now when I am healing in other ways and I can still function then their is no reason to take that pill. My sleep habits don't have a huge effect on others, as much as me because I am aware if I am tired before I enter into any situation. That night the other reason I didn't step in is because I was tired. I hadn't really added up all the stress and mileage I had put on my body that day. I was afraid it would make me weaker and make me give in. I wasn't ready to give in under those circumstances in that moment. Not emotionally anyways.

All I can do is focus and do the best I can do with what I have to work with. My children do not understand because they cannot see the ones I am working with. Truly someone their age doesn't have enough life experience to be making this kind of life experience. I realize today more than I ever did before. The bigger picture of my brother. If I didn't have all this dead weight holding me down. Yeah I would of moved my feet. That is part of thinking of the person coming up behind you. I'm actually starting to see my final destination here on this planet. My children do not see the bigger picture either because they have never experienced it themselves. Right now my children don't want to look. Like me I can't fathom what the resto of the world looks like because I haven't ever seen it. It's hard for me to see something destroyed that I have never seen. Either way that is a double edged sword. Just because i haven't seen it doesn't mean I don't feel the energy. I know that where my children are they are feeling the energy and I know they are strong. Someday I want them to know just how strong I am. Inside and out. I want them to know they have back up no matter what. Weathertogether or apart.That even if I don't have money or a home. I want them to know that that is not what is important to me. It's my family that is important to me. Every last one of them. Whether I gave birth to them or not. Weather I am related by blood or essence every last daughter is mine inside me.

When this slaughter comes on I hope you hear me in time. I hope you here me when I say. I just want you stronger. On the inside. Not the outside. I want you to know that I need my brother. Every last one. Especially that dumb ass Greg. I may curse him everyday from here out on this journey. I hope he is strong enough in side to understand just what I am doing out here. I hope he is good enough inside to see the bigger picture. Whether he believes me or not. Is there so much harm in having faith inside your brother when they can't see it inside themselves. Is faith so wrong to have? I don't have fantasies. I have faith in my brothers. I hope that  when that day comes he looks at me and he see's me. I hope he see's my honor in who I serve inside me. I hope he see's the truth in what I see inside me. I hope he see's the loyalty for whom I serve. I hope he see's what trust really is. I hope he see's when he looks in my eye that no matter what I fight for my family. I fight for my children. I fight for this country. I fight for my sisters, they won't stop jumping in my head. Most of all I fight for those mothers I see inside me. I fight for my father. I fight for that son. I fight for that true light I see above me. I fight for no other father. I fight for no other family than my own. Together or apart I fight for my children and that's the bottom line. I want that rodeo ride with my family upstairs and downstairs. Their will be no more death or time apart after this one. Heaven on earth, my kingdom come, not yours. I don't care what it takes  MY FAMILY EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM WAS HERE FIRST AND MY FAMILY IS HERE TO STAY. GET THE FUCK OFF MY ROCK. Only then will my family have light.

What I don't understand is why no one else can see or even consider that Satan, The Devils Spawn wouldn't have his hands in everything and grow not only from the lie in the first book, but all the way through our healthcare and insurance. They determine our well being and part of well being is stress. Why wouldn't it come on subtly through mental illness and physical disease in our bodies? Why wouldn't it make us dependent on money with all this paranoia and fear? Why wouldn't it feed us with drugs legally and illegally? Why doesn't anyone see mental illness as a ll time high right now? That is part of putting negative labels on emotions. Then the instant gratification of the pill? In this stressed out society. I have learned that that pain scale chart doesn't really matter to the insurance companies. They don't even match up. I have learned that they are making us hurt physically and not really healing the pain but masking us is pretty God Damned Evil. Now I ask again why wouldn't this mental illness be demons sitting on someones head?

I mean come on. A subtle demon? Why the fuck not? Then they create the expense of this cost of healthcare that is the biggest oxymoron if I ever did see one. No one else see's a problem with that? It makes me wonder why the Catholic church didn't see this one? I meant they are the holier than thou ones right?  They are the slayers of demons. WTF would they not see this coming?

WTF wouldn't satan not have his hands in our bodies but outside them as well? Why wouldn't they be that conniving to be that invisible in the first place? To be in our technology and make us dependent on that as well for life? Why would demons not be smart? Why wouldn't demons be so underhanded then to make us turn against our mentally ill? Our brothers and our sisters. Why wouldn't they set up as burdens of society so we won't care if they fall through the cracks and disappear? I mean really this isn't rocket science. Make us paranoid for resources and food? All the while feeding us that instant gratification and poison in our food through salt and preservation? I mean I am the salt of this earth not them. Just who the fuck do they think they are messing with the Holy Mother and Mother Natures children anyways? Persecuted for pain and having emotions. What a way to take us down and make us feel guilty for not being strong enough that way? Everyone forgot about the heart. They talk about heart having emotions but no one really see's that like I do. I ean if my family gave me emotions I'm going to use them to the best of my ability. I tried this systems way and it just don't work for me for that anymore. I don't want a bad-aid I want a cure to my heart. My soul. I will not feel guilty or shamed for how I feel or told to turn it off and take a pill out of someone else's fear if I don't conform. I am half a century old almost I sure hope to God I have learned something from this.

In our technology the demon in that one plus whatever this IT is I see sitting in our planet and invisibly draining us of our resources? I just want the fear and guilt and shame to be lifted out of all those big books so you can be aware to make choices everyday from this day forward until that ligh shine downs on us. That way you all have a fighting chance. You all have a say in yourselves when that day comes. Please people, what I have figured out about purgatory being here on this planet. It is in our mind's our spirit's and in our bodies. We sit in cages inside and outside. We get stuck. We can't escape it. That purgatory here on this planet because of the way everything is set up. All of it is set up to fail. All I can do is set you up to succeed. So when something hits you from behind you will be stronger and you will know just what to do. My father sat in purgatory in his mind here on this planet and it got exacerbated with that bottle. He didn't have or take the chance to make amends here.

Part of healing and transcending is understanding. Going through all the emotions. My father released his purgatory and sorrows up there and it held him down from going higher once he got up there. That is where his book Sixty Two years of Misery comes from. I guess you can say I am doing that here on this planet. I have no idea what my final chapter or last line will be but I will never stop writing. Part of teaching someone is having a guide to the truth to pass on. You might expect me to make amends to my children right now and just do ask they ask so they can feel better about themselves? I assure you I have in every way. This time is the last time and it's going to be a hurdle. My children have a perception of how I should be or feel in a moment and they place it on the big picture. My children are strong, when it is time they will know. I have faith in that. It just doesn't mean I cower to my children. What does that teach them when they become mothers and they have a few notches under their belt? These daughters are my future. Even if you think this is all an illusion is that a good goal to have in this life? That my children learn to see the bad and walk away. That my children learn when to stand. That my children to represent the greatest parts of the inside of me and not what they see on the outside. That they know the difference between truth and a lie. So that someday when they have to face it without me they will know inside themselves to have Faith. Faith in their Mother because they have seen there mother have faith a time or two in her life. I want them to take the bad parts and remember how that made them feel so they don't pass that on to someone else. It's about being able to be willing to open your eyes and becoming aware. That you stand up to your fear. Not to take you down but to make you stronger. I want my children to have courage. I want them to have justice. I cried out in the car the other day with my hands in the air. I don't want my children's love to be taken for granted. I don't want them to be Cinderella children. Down on their knees. I want them to know self worth, to have it and feel it. Not to have to work so hard to please someone else. Not through their bodies but in their hearts. That is what I want for my children. I want my children not to have to endure and tolerate to be loved. I want this cloud/shroud of darkness lifted off of my head. I want my children to understand the meaning of unconditional love. I want them to fell it. I want them to touch it everyday of there life. With their eyes open or closed I want them to see me when they fall and when they get back up each day.

Back to those demons. I have learned that demons  come in all shapes and sizes. The words that keep coming to mind is this, "If someone secretly takes pleasure insomeone else's demize, then that is a problem. Especially in the name of the Father. Especially when it comesdown to the human races health and well being. That is the wrong kind of power for anyone. No matter what when I see this in massive proprtions with in the legal system and the religious sector I see a problem with that. That is either a great big demon or the biggest IT I ever did see coming on. Remember that thing with proportions. I only know what I've been through. I have only been right here globally then imagine that kind of poison being spread throughout. I only see here on this planet what they show me and just how far my power reaches out. Hell this information technology holds me back. It suppresses me. It holds me back. I don't give a fuck about my grammar, speech and puncuation because I have bigger fish to fry. Seeing the bigger picture is stressful when everything is so controlled around me. Including how I shut down and where. I can't even sit for two minutes to smoke a cigarette. It doesn't stress me out all the moving around. I accept that. They built me up slowly and showed me the point. It just makes me wonder how long would it really take me to really shut down in my own environment. Before I felt safe enough to relax and not worry about a time line. A break from putting someone else. As much as I appreciate what I have. Going back inside to shut down is not the answer. When I do that I lose rights. I lose freedoms. Someone else speaks for me that I don't even know. Someone else who hasn't a fucking clue determines my over all well being. While taking my caffeine and smokes. Feeding me their food. Not mine. Sleeping in their bed not mine. There questions why the computer and not the T.V? Why can't people understand that is the point of escape. To not answer questions. To feel safe. To just be able to just be. Not judged or someone deciding just how to fix me and labeling what they think is wrong. When truly I am fine with me. It's just the environment I'm in. It's always someone else's rules guide lines and parameters. Just like it was with Greg. I don't want someone else to tell me whats wrong with me. I want someone to tell me what is right with me. I don't mean in awe or payment of debt. You know kissing my ass. I hate that shit.

I'm talking about trust and mutual respect. To feel safe in my environment to shut down. Truth be told, it will take me minimum a few days to stop moving around. Part of what keeps me moving is that smoking habit of mine. It makes me wonder what it would be like to have my own smoking space and not someone else's? It's just a thought. I wonder what it would feel like just to be free to be me. To be accepted for being an empath or whatever you call me? I truly don't even know what to call me. People don't like it when I don't have the answers and people don't like it when I do. Hell I can't make everyone happy all the time. As much as I'd like to right now, I can't do that until my family hits send. That chain or leash or whatever you call it? Chip on your shoulder, cross or burden? It's pretty much all heavy to me. Especially the feather and that clock. Somedays I don't know what I hate more, the eagle or the hawk. The brother or the sister. The mother or the father. This mountain this rock. The heaven the stars. That essence or drop of blood. I promise I have resented each one of them some days. People don't know that about me. When Audrey said, "Colleen you never get angry." I laughed. She doesn't know the half of it. My family secrets I give to them. I have to trust them to have the answers and see the bigger picture. I have to trust them to see me through this. Trust me when I say my head really is not bowed in prayer hardly at all. No one knows how I feel inside because I give it up to them. I give them the all of every emotion by the time I get to that table with those two parents. Whichever ones they are. I don't always know. I mean the native stuff is closer here to this earth and they show me the native way through mother nature. That is the animal in me.

When my animal wants out to play, she can be frisky and cocky through faith. That is how I have fun inside of me and out here. That animal instinct is awesome once you become aware. Learn to play with it and accept it. I have to trust my animal instincts in dealing with people. Well to be a demon mother that just makes your halo a lil more cooked. A lil more flexible. I assure you God's demon doesn't take pleasure in someone else's demise.  God's demon just takes extra pleasure in pleasure. The good pleasure. The fun pleasure, especially when you push the boundaries a lil with someone you can trust to come inside of you and become a part of your heart body spirit and soul. That is one part of Love that I like. To be free in Love is the key. Especially when it healthy and pure. What comes from the heart is pure. Love is pure. Love is the shining light. As much as you might judge me for being a sexual being. My point was that to truly have mutual respect for your partner in life it is a two way street in all aspects of life. Not just the home or the office or the park but in the bedroom too. Practice makes perfect and sometimes you just got work out the kinks and come up with a mutual way to do that. Together. I didn't really get the whole soul mate thing. I think it's becoming loud and clear of just what it is they are showing me.

I guarantee you I dreaded this one. I'm human and a woman at that and I still have a hard time letting someone else pick for me somedays. Lately I have to admit they have definitely been showing me the bright side of things. A lil at a time. I mean what balls to even put this out there as I figure this out. As much as I want to walk away from him they are showing me the softer side of me. The one I didn't know what I was talking about when I said, "HHMPH! Why am I thinking of him just now.? I must be getting soft." It wasn't his body like you think. It was his body that gave me clues. It was his words. Even if they were just a few. To be not giving a choice gets my craw. By them showing me as we go along step by step, just what this really is all about isn't just me, it's him. It's everything he has inside him. It's everything he lost. It's everything he held on to. It's about what he lost and never got back. It's about that mans search and that mans journey that I see a coming up. Just how this goes down I don't know. I don't hit send.